


The Space Between Stars

by vinventure12



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adult Language, Ben Solo slowly comes to the surface, Ben has a long road ahead of him, F/M, Fictional animal cruelty, Fix It Fic, Kylo/Ben can get pretty dark, Reylo - Freeform, Starting to post on AO3, Starts right after TFA, Violence, Will add more tags as we go, You ready for a really long story?, reylo forever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:48:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 63
Words: 423,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21854767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinventure12/pseuds/vinventure12
Summary: Kylo Ren has been humiliated by the scavenger and is now hunting her for retribution. He delves deeper into the depths of darkness along his journey, while Rey soars closer to the light. Strangers on opposite sides of a war, but bound together through their destinies. Both will do whatever it takes to survive, but who will come out victorious?
Relationships: Finn/Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 60
Kudos: 116





	1. Haunting My Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't seen episode nine and don't want spoilers, turn back now and come back when you have. If you want to, that is.
> 
> Look.
> 
> The Rise of Skywalker kind of forced my hand into posting this to AO3. This story is complete and on FF.net. It had been complete for over a year now, but I think us Reylo's will need a little pick me up. I know I do. So I will try to post chapters daily or every few days. I'm basically copying and pasting from FF.net and I apologize for any blaring mistakes. I'm not really going to go through it and edit, so if mistakes have slipped through, I do apologize. But I will say, and I know I'm biased, that this fic is better than what we got from TROS and the sequel trilogy as a whole. I hope it can bring happiness to someone out there.
> 
> It is 54 chapters long, but I might split up the longer chapters, making the count go up. Again, this takes place after TFA, so no elements in TLJ are in here. I started writing it in May of 2016 and finished November 2018.
> 
> There will be strong language, violence, and smut – though the last comes later. This is basically a slow burn.
> 
> Anyway... let's begin.

He ran through the snow, pushing branches out of the way as his breath evaporated into the cold of the night. Throat going raw from the frigid air, he willed himself to keep breathing, ignoring the sharp ache. The soft, wintry breeze seeped through his long black shirt and pants, causing him to involuntarily shiver.

At least, he hoped the trembling was from the icy atmosphere and not from his undulating fear and anticipation.

A rope of thorns had wrapped around his heart, pulling, dragging, tugging him to something he desperately wanted to find, which was... what? What was it that he so urgently needed? His wavy ebony hair flew in all directions as he looked around. Lost... he was so lost in this expanse of the forest, but at the same time, knew exactly where he was going.

With each step, the pressure in his chest started to give, allowing the breath of life to fill his very soul. Focusing on sound as if it might help him, all he could hear was the crunch of his boots and the labor of his breath.

 _Almost there_ , he thought to himself.

He rounded a big cluster of trees and abruptly stopped, feet digging into the snow. Regaining his balance, he froze and stared at the figure in his view. A woman stood not twenty feet from him, her form facing away as she looked off into the distance. She remained perfectly still, as was he. Time dragged out to a lazy crawl, giving him a gift to take in her presence. As her long, grey robe and dark brown hair fluttered in the soft wind, an overwhelming feeling of belonging filled his core.

He'd always yearned for a place he wasn't sure even existed; one where his heart was full and his soul understood.

That place was her, this woman, this person he didn't even know. To him, she was a horizon to his night, a whisper in the storm, a flower among weeds. He didn't need to meet her to know her, because half of his soul was already attached to her.

Fear flowed into his veins from how much he wanted her, but here he was, wanting her anyway. No sound came from his mouth as he called out, his frustration growing from not being able to see her fully.

Captivated by her sudden movement, she stretched out her arm, hand open toward the landscape. A silver rod flew into her hands and a blue light shot out of the end.

His breathing hitched as he just stood there, transfixed by what was happening. Pointing the saber to the ground, she abruptly turned to face him, the tendrils of her hair sweeping over to the side. They locked eyes, putting his whole body in pause-mode: no breathing, no thinking, no living.

This woman... he _knew_ her.

The earth shook violently, vibrating his bones as he fell onto his back, knocking the breath out of his lungs. He rolled over and felt grass between his fingers. Grass? But he'd just been in snow....

He inhaled deeply, the air warmer than before, but still in the realm of being bitterly chilly. As he leveled out his breathing, he tucked his feet beneath him and stood to view an immense ocean, each wave twinkling in the moonlight.

His spine tingled up to his brain. Someone was watching him from behind.

Pivoting around, he found the woman from the snow studying him, like she'd seen him before, but couldn't locate the memory. Hands empty, she no longer held the lightsaber.

Wanting to go to her, he took a hesitant step forward. Her entire demeanor change lightening quick. Eyes wide with fear and body now shaking from adrenaline, she took a step away. Then another. And another. He realized she wasn't going to stop – not until her body reached the ledge that was patiently waiting behind.

He rushed to her, his arm outstretched to grab and spare her from such a deadly fall. She matched his gusto, walking back until her foot only met air. Horror etched into her expression as her hand shot out, grazing his fingertips, and then... she was gone, falling into the darkness that lay beyond.

He fell to his knees, arm still reaching out for her as he watched her plummet into the dark water. The moment she went under, his heart split in two – one side still beating, the other dead from her departure.

Breathing heavily, he waited to see her emerge.

"This is your choice," a strong female voice sounded off from behind. His breath caught in his throat upon recognizing the tone, the very one he never wanted to hear. He shifted on his knees to see his mother looking down at him, her face stone cold and older than he remembered. Slowly, he stood to face her, his eyes never leaving her short frame.

"You can save her or you can be devoured by your own darkness," she warned. Her gaze swept over to the side. He followed her line of sight to see his father standing in the distance. His soul shook, his gut stirred, and his eyes watered. Not having the strength to fight it, he succumbed to the fear and let it devour him whole.

"Ben!"

Red, crackling light flashed across his fathers face as Ben's eyes grew wide and the tears spilled over onto his cheeks. Memories of his father caressing his cheek and falling into an endless chasm of light filled his mind, tearing through his gray matter till it was nothing but mush. Hot bile stung his throat as he stepped back, trying to get away from his parents and his past. His last step was welcomed by the open air, gravity assisting the fall by pushing him over the cliff till he was submerged into the darkness of his own misery, his only companion.

Kylo Ren's eyes shot open as he sucked in a sharp breath, rubbing his tense face till it was raw. Sweat layered his skin, matting his hair and sticking his clothes to his body. He remained in his bed, looking up at the grey metal ceiling while he tried to slow his beating heart. Once he established a steady rhythm, he raised his body to rest his back against the cold wall, surveying his stark room in the process.

A closet, bed, and nightstand were the only pieces of furniture in this cold, metal box he lived in – all of them black and plain in appearance. No decorations, no color in the room. Not much to look at to distract himself from his thoughts... which were plenty.

It had been four days since the destruction of Starkiller Base. Four days of him healing from the shot he took from Chewie's bowcaster. Four days since he talked to Han Solo and killed him. The overwhelming weakness he'd felt after letting him fall into the depths of the oscillator still haunted him. He placed his hands in his hair and looked down at his sheets. He didn't understand. The Supreme Leader told him that by killing Han Solo, he would be granted insurmountable strength, which would lead him further down the path of the dark side... but it didn't. The call to the light had been more powerful since his death, like the act had somehow left a taint on his being that was impossible to erase.

Dammit, he hated himself for this weakness, for not being more powerful to stop these feelings from occurring. That ridiculous dream had brought this conflict within him back to the surface when all he wanted was for it to remain dead and buried. Placing his hands in his lap, he threw his head back against the metal wall, relishing the pounding of pain.

_That dream…._

It has haunted him for the last twenty years. Every time after he'd wake, he felt naked and stripped of all his pride. He thought back to the last time he'd had it. It must have been... a little over three years ago.

The dream never deviated from it's narrative, always starting the same: him running, being drawn to her, seeing the back of the woman's figure... and wanting her. Stars, the _wanting._ Feelings like that was one of the reasons why the galaxy was so weak: sentiment always got in the way of perfection and order.

Mind wondering back to the reverie, he could still perfectly see her catching his grandfather's saber. In the past, right before she revealed her face, he'd always wake. But tonight, he finally saw her and it was a face he was all too familiar with.

The scavenger.

But the dream didn't stop after the revelation. It had kept kept going, showing her fall into the sea below and him wanting to reach her, to save her. And what was that ludicrous warning Leia had given him?

He scoffed at the open air.

If he were met with the same scenario in real life, he would let that garbage picker drown. Just thinking about her brought on immense embarrassment of his own defeat by her hands. A girl, who had no prior training in the force, left a scar rippling across his face and almost killed him. He scolded himself for not going in for the kill when he fought her in the forest. He actually offered to teach her, taking compassion upon her for her lonely and rough life. It had been foolish to have seen parts of himself reflected within her, foolish to let his compassion underestimate her startling abilities.

That won't happen again.

She'll pay for his humiliation. He'll kill her and relish in the light leaving her eyes.

A smile stretched across his face as he got up and headed to the refresher. Focusing on getting revenge helped him push the light out of his thoughts to where he could no longer feel its pull.

 _If_ s _he thinks I'm a monster, that's exactly what I'll be._

_And I'll relish every minute of it._


	2. No One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I was writing this a few years ago, I went off TFA novelization a bit. Most noticeably, when Rey calls the saber to her, Ben stares at her in awe and says, "It is you." Obviously, that's not in the movie. Wish it was. But it's in this fic!

Luke was apprehensive to the girl's unexpected presence, looking at the lightsaber in her outstretched hand. He recognized the weapon immediately, of course – the rubber slits at the bottom, the way the light flickered across the silver metal. It was all too familiar.

Sorrow filled his being as the young girl gazed at him, silently pleading for him to take it. After a few long moments, he slowly walked to her, his beige robes swaying in the soft breeze. He stopped before her extended arm and brought his hand up to the saber hilt, raising the lost relic up to his face to examine _._

 _I_ _t still looks the same, feels the same_ , he thought to himself. He felt like his younger self again, the hasbeen legend, holding tight to the plasma blade, wanting ardently to go on an adventure.

The girl shifted her weight from side to side, the movement pulling Luke out from his memories.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, still able to have some sense of manners.

Her brows scrunched together. "Um... yes," she replied, her response almost sounding like a question rather than a statement. Softly, he smiled at the girl as he clipped the saber to his belt.

"I think I still have some smoked fish and porridge left over from the other day, if you'd like to join me." He walked past her, but then stopped and turned, realizing that she hadn't moved. Mouth ajar, her eyes remained transfixed upon him. Luke had seen this type of reaction before, the one where people would meet the legendary Luke Skywalker, only to realize that there was nothing mythical about him. He was just a man. An old man now.

No one.

The girl quickly shook her head and composed herself, closing the distance between them so she could walk by his side.

"What's your name?" he asked, glancing at her from the corner of his eye.

She looked up, then back to the long stretch of rudimentary stairs. "Rey."

"How did you get this weapon, Rey?"

"Someone on Takodana wanted me to have it. I don't know how she got it, though," she admitted. "Didn't have time to ask."

Luke nodded, trying to calculate just how someone came to own the lost relic. Many years after the fall of the Empire, Lando Calrissian had returned the saber to Luke, explaining that it had been found in a Tibanna mine. From there, Luke had kept it locked away, not needing it, for he had long become accustomed to his own weapon. But then Ben came to the academy, and Luke wanted to see his nephew wield the very saber that had belonged to his father, Anakin Skywalker. He had given the young boy the weapon, tutoring him in the art of lightsaber combat.

Teaching him the ways of the Jedi.

Luke swallowed, remembering the last time he'd seen his nephew. How he had failed him... and how he thought he would never see his father's saber again.

But here it was, swinging on his belt, tapping against his hip. When did Ben lose it? How?

His mind repeated those questions over and over again as they walked the rest of the way in silence.

()()()()()

Rey sat in the middle of the small hut, taking in the simplicity of its coziness as Luke heated the porridge over the fireplace. There were a pile of blankets to her left and a small table and chair to her right. Near the hearth were some pots and a few baskets, probably filled with various foods and spices. The hut was sparse on the inside, and she could feel herself relaxing inside its warmth.

She watched Luke grab some wood and place it into the ongoing fire, stoking it to its full potential. He then stood and opened one of the baskets, retrieving a sliver of something red. Handing her the food, she scrutinized it in her hand, giving it a sniff.

"It's a fish fillet that I smoked and dried out." He grabbed two bowls and went back to stirring the porridge. "There's not a lot of animals that live on this island. Some small game here and there, maybe even some birds, but there is an endless supply of fish." He started scooping the meal into the bowls. "I never really learned how to fish until I came here. I actually converted one of these huts into a big smoker to dry them out. Took me a few tries to learn how to do it properly." He chuckled to himself. "I would've burned one down during my fist attempt if they all weren't made of stone."

Luke walked over and placed the small bowl on the ground in front of her. He was still smiling as he sat, crossing his legs and giving out a content sigh.

Rey wanted to scold him that his content life came at the cost of those fighting this war. Of losing their lives. But she needed to make a good first impression.

She held her tongue, quieting her frustration.

She tore off a piece of the dried filet with her teeth and chewed the rough meat, finding it to be close to leather in texture. But to her surprise, it tasted quite good. It had a salty, earthy flavor that she enjoyed savoring.

Rey glanced up at Luke. He was looking at her. Giving him a shy smile, she raised up the fillet and said, "Thank you. I've never had fish before and it's surprisingly delicious." He nodded, seeming satisfied that she enjoyed his cooking.

Silence fell upon the hut as they went back to their meals. Knots wringed Rey's stomach like a rag, her nerves becoming a hindrance to her appetite. But she shoved the food down, the survivalist in her reminding her that one could never know when the next meal would come.

Bowl now bare, stomach packed to bursting, Rey finally mustered up the courage to speak with Luke as to why she came.

It was rather odd that he hadn't asked her himself.

"Your sister misses you," she started abruptly, unable to stop herself from twisting her fingers in a her lap. The Jedi Master went still at her comment, slowly lowering his bowl to the floor. Rey leaned forward. "She can't keep fighting the First Order without you. Everyday that you're gone, the Resistance becomes weaker. We need you to come back. The galaxy needs you." He lifted his somber, tired gaze. "Please," she implored.

His stare shifted down to the bowl, lips pursed shut. While there was so much hope and expectation in Rey's expression, patience also lingered in those youthful lines of her face _._

 _Please say you'll come back. I can't face the general without bringing you back!_ her thoughts screamed, growing more desperate the longer the silence continued.

His head snapped up. "My sister is not as intimidating as you think." Rey's breathing hitched, her eyes growing wide. Luke lifted his hand in a calming gesture. "Sorry. Your thoughts were... well, you were basically yelling them at me."

Her cheeks burned with embarrassment. "Yeah, I guess I was."

Luke cleared his throat. "Do you know what this place is? This island?"

"Well," Rey paused to think, "someone told me that they thought you went looking for the first Jedi temple. So... I'm guessing this is it?"

"It is."

Excitement entered her voice. "Is it really?" Her body inclined a little closer to him, curiosity getting the best of her. Luke nodded; she couldn't believe he actually found the temple.

_For being a temple, it doesn't look like much._

"Some things are not seen with the naked eye." Her smile fell as she gave him a dry stare, annoyed that he had read her thoughts. Again. "I apologize. It's been a while since I've been around another person, and this place seems to amplify a persons Force abilities. I'll try not to invade your thoughts anymore." 

Rey relaxed, but still just a smidge on guard. "Is it possible to block others from sensing you emotions?" 

"Of course," Luke answered. "As long as you can control your emotions, it's not that difficult to do. The tricky part is controlling your emotions so they do not control you."

"And what of blocking someone from entering your thoughts?"

The face of Kylo Ren came to mind.

Luke narrowed his eyes. Blinked a few times. "That would require some skill in mental barriers. And also for one to be Force sensitive... which you are. But you already knew that." He studied her more intently, the flames from the fire casting an eerie glow across his face. "I can feel that the Force is strong with you. Stronger than you probably realize." He rose suddenly, grabbing the bowls before heading outside.

Rey went after him.

"Master Skywalker," she called out, but the man didn't slow his pace.

He only stopped when he came to a nearby stream, kneeling down to wash out the used dishes before placing them on the grass to dry in the sun, totally oblivious to the sight before him. But Rey wasn't. She neared the cliff's edge, taking in the vastness of the dark ocean, watching the waves crash against the rocks nearby while breathing in the salt of the air. Down below was a tiny stretch of a beach, the soft curls of the sea crawling along the sand, stretching itself thin before being drawn back home. This place was truly peaceful and far more beautiful than the harsh sands or the blazing sun of Jakku.

 _Maybe after all this is over, I can find a place by the ocean. Maybe live there for a while._ Her throat constricted. _When would that opportunity present itself? This conflict could go on for years…._

Rey lightly kicked a loose rock over the ledge, watching as it flicked off the rocks and landed on the shoreline.

"I can't join the Resistance quite yet." Rey spun around, not expecting Luke to be standing behind her. "I feel as though I have something more to learn from being here. Something vital." His stare became suspicious. "And you have things you want to learn as well. Don't you."

"I– I was thinking..." She stumbled over her words. "I do want to learn how to control this power within me," Rey confessed.

"Do you fear it?"

She nodded. "And I don't now what to do with it. I don't know why I have it."

Luke's eyes wondered over the sight Rey had been appreciating only a moment ago, his aged face becoming contemplative. "You want me to teach you about the Force."

"I need someone to," she explained. "I just... I know if I don't learn to control it that it might end up controlling me."

He rubbed at his beard, his gaze going beyond what was before him. "I haven't taught in a very long time. I told myself that my days as a Jedi Master were over."

"Over?" Rey placed herself in his line of sight. "Look, I'm just wanting to learn some general techniques. I don't think that's asking for much. I could probably learn all I need to know in a matter of days, if your schedule is too–" she looked around at the desolate island "–busy."

"General techniques?" he questioned her. "You'd be satisfied with only learning general techniques?"

She opened her mouth only to find that she was about to say no, she wouldn't want the lessons to end there. If she were to learn about the Force, she would want the title to go along with it. A title long since glorified.

"You wish to become a Jedi?" he asked, reading her far too easily.

Rey contemplated her answer, finding a swirl of confusion and doubt, mixed with the desire to have a purpose.

The memory of Maz talking to her after that vision came to mind. _Whatever you've been waiting for-whomever-I can see it in your eyes, you've known it all along… they're not coming back. But there's someone who still could. With your help_. She assumed Maz meant Luke. _The belonging you seek is not behind you. It is ahead_. It was like Maz could see right through her. She always wanted to have a family, have that feeling of belonging. Maybe becoming a Jedi could give her a bit of that future she'd always wanted. To be a part of something other than scavenging.

Luke could give that to her.

But she knew what the Jedi code entailed.

"I do…" she hesitated.

Luke arched a brow. "But?"

She shook her head and brought her gaze up to the deep blue sky, seeing the black dots of birds soaring high above them. "Jedi are not allowed to have attachments and I'm not sure I can give up the ones I already have." Her mind immediately went of Finn. He was the first person to ever outwardly care for her well being. He came to rescue her on Starkiller, and even fought that monster in an effort to protect them. He was her first friend. She didn't know if she had it in her to give him up _._

How she longed for Finn to be here with her, giving her support where it was needed. Was he awake yet? Has he asked for her?

"What's stopping you from having such attachments?" Luke asked, challenging her line of thinking.

Rey gave him a puzzled look. "The Jedi code. It says–"

Luke shrugged. "The Jedi code is a part of a dead religion. There is not a single person in the galaxy that practices it anymore. So why should you?"

She couldn't conceal the shock in her voice. "But the Jedi code has been around for thousands of years. You can't just... get rid of it...."

"I don't have to get rid of it. The Jedi are no more."

Rey jerked her head back. "But you're the last of the Jedi. And a Master. You could bring the Order back."

The man went silent, the sound of the sloshing water filling the void. His tone just above a whisper. "I already tried. And I failed."

"So try again," Rey said insistently.

Fortunately, Luke didn't seemed fazed by her bluntness. "The last time I tried to establish a school for teaching future Jedi, it was extremely difficult to find those who wanted to."

That... can't be right. "How would anyone turn down becoming a Jedi?"

He chuckled mirthlessly. "The code was always off putting."

Rey spread out her arms, trying to get the man to see reason. "You just got rid of it, so that doesn't even matter anymore. If people knew they could have a family while training–"

"My nephew destroyed everything I had built," the man unexpectedly retorted, expression becoming hard. "He killed his fellow students. And I was too naive to see how the dark side was slowly turning him. And now you're asking me to take that risk with someone else. With you?"

"I am." Her heart accelerated. But she was able to keep her voice level. "Look, I'm not your nephew. I haven't lived the same life as him. Nor will I fail the same way he has."

"How can you be so sure?" 

She shook her head. Shrugged. "I just am. I know I have nothing to give you as a guarantee, but... I know who I am. And I will not fall."

Features softening, Luke let his tense shoulders relax as he gazed at Rey with pity. "I sense you truly believe that. But destiny has never been so kind."

And with that last statement, Rey knew the conversation was over. For now.

Luke turned, heading over to the island's stairs. Rey wasn't sure what she should do, so she just followed him, feeling a bit defeated.

"We should go down to the Falcon," Luke suggested, talking as if the previous discussion never happened. "I haven't seen Chewie in a very long time, and I can feel him becoming anxious from your extended absence."

Her spirits lifted somewhat at the prospect of getting to the Falcon and checking in with the Resistance. Maybe even talking with Finn.

As they made their way over to the steps, Rey remembered the time it took to climb them. _It's going to be fun doing that again later_ , she thought dryly. At least she would be forced to keep her strength up.

"Would you mind telling me more about yourself and what has happened to you these last couple of weeks?" he asked her with earnest curiosity. "You seem to know more about me than I do about you."

All Rey wanted to talk about was if Luke would train her or not, but she had a feeling that pushing him too soon for an answer would leave her with a definite no. So she would have to somehow entertain the old man with her boring tale of mediocrity until they reached the Falcon.

 _Where to even begin_ , she thought.

Nobody had ever really asked about her life before, other than Finn. And as she pondered the question further, she realized that the only person who actually knew the most about her was surprisingly Kylo Ren. He had seen her dreams, her fears and wants when he invaded her mind. She hadn't even told Finn some of the things that Kylo Ren now knew. And what had always bothered her the most about that encounter was what she had sensed from that man – that Kylo really was genuinely interested in knowing who she was.

Rey remembered how he stared at her after calling the lightsaber into her opened hand, how he gazed at her as if he _knew_ her _._

 _It is you_ , he had said breathlessly. Now, walking beside Luke, she had the feeling that this man was extremely curious to know who she was as well.

 _I'm no one_.

She was used to people not paying attention to her, used to going through a whole day on Jakku without talking to another living soul. How she yearned for someone to share her day with, though....

Rey took in a deep breath and started her story with the moment she was left on Jakku.


	3. Maybe A Change Is For The Best

Luke didn't say a word the whole walk down to the Falcon. He focused on listening to Rey's story while trying to absorb everything to memory. It struck him how deeply Rey became so entangled with everything going on – how she found BB-8 and Finn on Jakku, meeting Han Solo, being drawn to his father's lightsaber, her vision, the destruction of the Hosnian system, being taken to Starkiller and watching Han die at the hands of his son. Throughout her narrative, she had to pause to stop herself from becoming too emotional.

Especially when talking about Han's death.

Luke brushed at his eyes, remembering his close friend. At least he was one with the Force, and now at peace.

As Rey kept speaking, Luke couldn't stop from noticing her reactions whenever she brought up his nephew. The way she talked about him interrogating her and fighting her in the snow, he could feel the anger and hate seething off of her. Kylo Ren repulsed her; there was no doubt about that. What was interesting to Luke was how the Force felt when she talked about him. The Force was actually stronger around her. Not from the hate she was feeling, but from something else he could not place.

_Interesting…._

The girl was indeed powerful. And she was completely unaware of it.

Without learning proper control over her abilities, she was bound to do something reckless. Or harmful.

And the more she spoke, the more Luke couldn't help becoming fond of her, of admiring the strength she must have had to overcome what life had thrown at her. She truly had the heart of a Jedi, and the endurance of a warrior.

Could he... could he train her? Should he?

Maybe this time could be different. Changes could be made, new rules sorted out, ones that were more inclusive.

But the chance of creating another Kylo Ren stalled that line of thinking. Fear was making him question everything.

()()()()()

"I thought Finn and I were going to die on that horrible planet, but then I saw lights in the distance and Chewie had found us with the Falcon!" Rey threw her arms in the air as her voice rose. "We left the planet just as it started to implode and jumped into hyperspace." She looked to Luke, expecting him to be enthralled with the story, but he seemed to be deep in thought.

_Something is troubling him._

"You know I–" her voice caught in her throat as she thought of what to say. "I thought about going back for him." Her voice lost all the bravado it previously had as she cast her eyes upon the last remaining steps. "I knew Leia would probably want the chance to see her son again, even after what had happened. I did stop to look back just before I boarded the Falcon, but I knew there wasn't time to get him. The planet was tearing apart and Finn desperately needed medical attention…" Her voice trailed off as she lamely laid out the excuses as to why she couldn't rescue his nephew.

"I'm so sorry, Master Skywalker," she muttered as the Falcon's ramp was lowered, Chewie running out to greet them. Pure joy spread across Chewie's face as he went straight for Luke.

Moments before Chewie got to them, Luke grabbed Rey's arm to gently turn her to face him. He looked firmly into her eyes, trying to convey the seriousness of his coming statement.

"He's not dead Rey." Luke's grip dropped away from her upper arm as Chewie enveloped him in a big, hairy hug. He lifted Luke off the ground as he told his old friend in Shyriiwook how much he had missed him.

Rey stood there, frozen, still looking in the direction Luke had been just a moment before. All she saw now was the black ocean, its soft waves lightly brushing against the rocks of the island cliff.

 _But –_ she tried to form her thoughts together. _I saw him trying to get up, to look at me after I slashed his face with the lightsaber. He could barely support his weight on his arms. He didn't have the strength to go searching for a way off the planet. We were in the middle of a forest! I barely made it out on the Falcon!_

Her thoughts poured into her at an accelerated rate. _It can't be possible. Luke has to be wrong. He wasn't there. He didn't see what Ren looked like…_ But deep in the crevices of her emotions, she always felt like he was alive. She just never gave those feelings much merit, because she thought it would have been impossible for him to get off that planet so fast.

Rey turned to see Luke buried by a huge expanse of fur.

"I've missed you too, my dear friend. More than you know." Luke wrapped his arms around the giant Wookie, patting his back.

Emitting a long, sustained whistle, R2-D2 came gliding down the ramp. He stopped once he hit the ground and started swaying back and forth in excitement. Chewie placed Luke back on the surface of the island as he twisted toward the noise.

"Artoo!" Luke dashed in the direction of the expressive droid, his robes billowing behind him, his face suddenly years younger. Going to his knees, he placed his palms on either side of the droids smooth, rounded top.

Rey headed toward the happy reunion, taking her time to allow them more privacy. She was still lost in her thoughts as she saw the last of the Jedi press his forehead against his metal friend. As she finally closed the gap between her and the exultant group, she heard something close to the sound of soft purring coming from the droid.

"I'm sorry I had to leave," she heard Luke whisper. "But I just couldn't stay after everything that happened." Soft beeps touched Rey's ears. Artoo's gentle pleas tugged at her heart.

"Of course, my dear friend." Luke raised his head. "I promise to take you with me wherever I go, from now until the end of my days." Artoo beeped loud with satisfaction and Luke let out such a genuine laugh, that Rey felt herself smiling down at the two best friends.

()()()()()

"Finn!" Rey exclaimed as she saw his face in the holoscreen. She grabbed the communications board as she inched closer to get a better view of him. The sheer amount of happiness inside her made her smile so big that her cheeks felt like they were going to cramp. But she didn't care. Seeing him finally awake was worth more than any physical discomfort.

"Rey!" Witnessing his pure elation at seeing her made her come even closer to his image. "I'm so happy to finally see you! When I woke up, Poe told me you already left to find Skywalker and I didn't even get to say goodbye." His smile melted into a worried look. "I've been worried something happened to you. I can't get out of this bed and no one would tell me if you actually found Skywalker or not. The higher ups aren't telling us anything more about your mission."

Rey thought about the communications officer who had previously answered her calls to the Resistance base. Just like the last couple of days, he wouldn't give her any information on Finn, his only interest in hearing her daily report. But after the third time of being so rudely dismissed, Rey made it quite clear to the man that she would not give them any information on Luke unless they patch Finn through to her. After a moment of tense silence, the officer reluctantly told her he would see what he could do. Ten minutes later, Finn finally appeared on the holoscreen.

Rey relayed the experience with the comms officer to Finn.

"Ugh. That's Officer Markoos Kaling, one of the people in charge of communications and making sure our signals stay undetected from the First Order. Poe went to talk to him, on my behalf, about having me speak with you. Apparently the conversation didn't go so well." Rey grimaced at the thought of the communications station not letting Finn talk with her. And if it would be possible to never speak with Kaling again.

Rey decided to speak first about what she'd been up to and what she'd seen since leaving D'Qar. Finn patiently listened to her accounts about finding Luke and how the man never gave her an answer if he would train her or not.

"You really want to be a Jedi?" he asked, in awe.

"I don't know. I mean, I have the Force, and I want to know how to use it. I was confused at first if I really wanted to be a Jedi–"

"Why?"

"The Jedi code forbids attachments. I can't just give up the things I've gained over this last week. I do want to be strong with the Force and learn how to fight with a lightsaber so I can be useful to the Resistance, but I thought the cost to do so might be too much for me. I–" She paused and looked down at her hands on the comms board. "You're my first friend, Finn. We've been through a lot together, and you're probably the only one who understands how I feel." Her thoughts suddenly turned to Kylo Ren, but she pushed them away.

Rey glanced up to see that Finn's face had softened from her words. "Rey, you and I never had many opportunities to make friends and to lead a happy, comfortable life. Those chances were taken from both of us. I want you to know that you're so important to me, and I value your friendship above everything else." He paused as if contemplating what to say next. "If I were in your shoes, it would be extremely hard for me to give you up and go down a different path. I don't know if I could honestly do it after tasting what it's like to have a connection with someone else…. But Luke did tell you that he thought the ways of the Jedi should probably change. At least for the next little while. Maybe you could still become a Jedi and have a life full of friends and possibly even a family."

Rey was trying to stop the tears hovering on her eyelids from spilling over. Being able to talk to someone about how she felt and having them actually care enough to give her comforting advice was all new to her, but something she always wanted. It was also wonderful to hear that Finn valued her friendship just as much as she valued his.

"What if attachments really lead to the dark side," she whispered, as if what she was asking was somehow forbidden to discuss.

"I know you're strong enough to resist. Besides, I would never let you turn to the dark side." They both chuckled at his last statement. She watched as the smile slowly vanished from his face and he looked to be lost in his own thoughts. Worry crept into his features.

"Finn, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I was just wondering something." Rey patiently waited for him to continue. "After I woke, Poe told me what happened after Kylo took me out." Rey shifted in her chair at the sudden change in subject. "I know what roughly happened between the two of you, but I want to hear the story directly from you... if you're okay reliving it again." He stared at her questioningly.

Rey turned her head to the side, examining the many control buttons and knobs that lined the wall. She did not particularly like talking about her fight with Kylo Ren, especially since she just told Luke about it not too long ago. But Finn deserved to know what had happened.

She took in a steady breath and started to relay all that she remembered about her tense confrontation with their shared enemy.

Finn gasped at certain parts and visibly got angry at others, but he never interrupted her. She could tell he was too focused on what she was saying to actually speak.

When she felt like she conveyed the entire story, Rey was emotionally drained. She'd gone into more detail about the fight to her friend than she had with Luke.

After a few moments of just sitting there in the quiet, Finn finally spoke. "Wow."

"Yep."

"I mean, you kicked his ass!" Finn couldn't hide the pride that showed in his face. Rey crossed her arms over her chest, letting a little smile glide across her lips. "And I can't believe he offered to become your teacher! After everything he did, did he seriously think you'd become his apprentice?"

She shrugged, trying not to remember how desperate his plea had been. "I don't know. Who knows what goes on in that awful head of his."

"Well, at least he died right along with that horrible, frozen planet. I hated being stationed there." Rey felt her breathing still. Finn visibly relaxed.

_Should I tell him?_

Just as she was about to be honest, she heard someone talking to Finn, his head turning toward the voice. He tensed before his face fell. "Looks like our time is up. General Organa wants to speak with Skywalker personally, so I have to get off the line." Rey stammered to regain her composure. "They need us to cut the transmission and reestablish a new connection in a few minutes. Apparently we've been talking too long on this specific channel." Rey saw Finn glare off into the distance at something. She would bet her next three meals that Officer Kaling was the one telling him to end the transmission.

"Okay," Rey said through a tight throat. "I'll tell Luke to come in and wait for the holoscreen signal."

Neither of them went for the controls. They both looked at each other, not knowing what to say.

"Please be careful out there, Rey. And know whatever you decide, I'll always be your friend." He gave her a soft smile. The one he reserved just for her.

"Thank you, Finn. And don't worry, I'll be careful. Just promise me that whatever the doctors say, you follow it, okay?" she ordered sternly. "It's going to take time for you to heal and you need to be patient."

"I promise." She couldn't be sure, but she thought she saw Finn's eyes start to gleam with unshed tears.

"Goodbye, Finn. I'll talk to you again soon." She quickly pressed her hand on the holoscreen and ended the transmission before he could see her become too emotional. As she sat there for a few moments, she thought about how she didn't get the chance to tell him the whole truth about Kylo Ren. 

_Next time. I'll tell him the next time. At least he can rest easy thinking that monster is never coming back._

She sighed as she got up.

_What I would give for that to be true._

_()()()()_

After Rey informed Luke about his sister requesting to talk with him, she retreated to her personal living quarters on the Falcon. Well, living quarters wasn't the most accurate way to describe it. More like her own personal closet that she slept in. It was a small eight by eight room, with the bed taking up more than half the living area. Just to the right of the door was a sink and a small mirror that hung on the metallic, rusted wall.

There was only one bathroom on the freighter, and it was situated right across from her room. To say that it's been interesting sharing it with Chewie would be an understatement. That Wookie could shed a lot of hair. And spend a lot of time doing his "business". Maybe Rey could somehow change his diet.

_He'd probably rip my arm off, just like he did to Unkar back at Maz's._

She rested atop the sheets of her bed, eyes lazily staring up at the sparse ceiling, legs finally thanking her for allowing them a reprieve. Her hands came up to rest behind her head as she reviewed the events of the day. She almost couldn't believe how much her life had changed in such a short period of time. 

_I've met the legendary Luke Skywalker_. But he wasn't how she imagined him to be. He did have a commanding presence about him, but at the same time, he seemed to be very reserved. Even though his answer to training her in the Force was still somewhat unanswered, she did feel comfortable around him and began to trust him the more they talked.

 _I wonder how he knows that Kylo is alive?_ She considered this question for a few moments. _Maybe he can feel him through the Force. Is that how I felt he was still alive, the Force was letting me know?_

Closing her lids for what felt like only a moment, Rey finally felt her exhaustion hit her. 

_I'll just lay here for a couple more minutes and then I'll get ready for bed....  
_

_._

_._

_._

The ocean breeze hit Rey's face and stung her eyes. She drew up her hands to defend herself from the sudden pelt of air. Standing at the edge of a cliff, she looked out at the sea rippling in the softness of the moonlight. Her cloak swayed behind her, the thick fabric snapping harshly with every curl. Through the strong gusts, she took a deep breath and sighed.

 _My island_ , she thought to herself. She had dreamed about this island so often, that she knew to recognize it as just that: a dream. Sometimes she was here during the day and other times, she visited during the quiet hours of the night. She preferred to be here during the dead of twilight, for it felt more peaceful. More mystical.

As she looked out into the darkness ahead, she couldn't help but feel like she'd seen this view before. Somewhere....

_Odd. I've never visited an island before. I've only ever lived on Jakku._

She had a thought in the back of her mind, but she couldn't quite grasp what it was. It was like trying to grab and capture fog, but all it would do was become thicker the more you tried to grasp it. Mocking you for your efforts.

She heard a heavy thud and a sharp exhale from behind. Her body jumped and turned to see a man lying on his back, looking up at the sky in surprise. Maybe a bit of wonder, too. His black attire blended in with the night, the pale skin of his hands and face contrasting harshly against the darkness of the ground.

_This man was... familiar._

He rolled onto his stomach and slowly stood, facing away from her, seeming to be unaware of her existence. His presence dominated the area, her eyes involuntarily roaming over his wavy black hair and broad shoulders. She could feel the immense power this man possessed and it frightened her, but she couldn't look away.

 _Ben_ , she thought.

 _Ben?_ _Who's Ben?_

He pivoted around, eyes locking onto hers.

_Ben Solo._

_Kylo Ren._

All the memories of this man hit her mind in a violent rush of images. Her eyes went wide with fear, her mouth suddenly dry. 

_How did he find me?_

But he seemed just as surprised to see her as she was him.

Rey started to shake, taking a few steps back to put more distance between them. Fear flashed across his face. He extended his hand out to her, palm open, beseeching. Her stomach fell as her boot hit the open air. She teetered and shot her arms out in front of her to grab onto anything. Her eyes locked onto his face as he rushed to her aid.

But it was too late.

Her fingers caressed his own, feeling his touch for the very first time. And then she fell, looking up at his shocked expression. Time slowed for her as she felt his eyes sear straight into her soul. She could feel his horror, his desperation at losing her. 

_He wants to save me._

As quickly as the thought came, time went back to its normal progression, his silhouette becoming smaller as she plunged toward the sea.

She tried to scream his name, but the air refused to depart from her lungs, holding onto it with a torturous grip.

The darkness swallowed her whole.


	4. Sentiment Is For The Weak

"Ben!"

Rey shot up in the bed, hands searching for purchase, knuckles white as she grabbed onto soft pieces of clothing. Her breathing was erratic when she looked up to see Luke's concerned face, not even caring why he was there with her.

She frantically looked around the room, searching for....

"I was falling," Rey whispered, taking in big gulps of oxygen. "He tried to save me." Her voice was hoarse and scratchy, like she'd been screaming for hours on end. She looked to Luke desperately, grip becoming tighter. "How did he find me?" she nearly yelled the question at him. He held both sides of her arms, trying to ease her tense body and spinning mind.

"Rey." His voice was gentle, but his stare still held an intense worry that made Rey panic. "Rey, it was all just a dream. I need you to take deep breaths. You're on the Falcon. This is reality."

Rey concentrated on Luke's robes knotted in her fists, realizing just then how bad she was trembling. She closed her eyes and immediately saw _his_ face. The way he stared at her.

 _It looked like as if he cared about me_. She took a deep breath, brows furrowing. _That can't be right_.

"Aaaaaaaagh?" Rey opened her eyes, glancing to the opened entryway. Chewie was standing there, staring and shifting his gaze between her and Luke.

A bead of sweat slowly descended down her temple.

"I'm–" she coughed to clear the lump in her throat. "I'll be fine. No need to be worried, Chewie." The Wookie remained in the doorway, not seeming to believe Rey's poor attempt at lying.

Luke's head turned to acknowledge the Wookie. "Can you give Rey and I a moment?" Luke lowered his hands from Rey's arms and placed them on the edge of the bed. "Oh, and my sister might still be on the holoscreen. Can you tell her I'll comm her back as soon as I can?" Chewbacca nodded and turned to leave, the door closing in his wake.

Rey hugged her legs up against her chest, placing her chin atop her knees. Embarrassment started to blossom from deep within, crawling up to her face, making her flush a crimson red. The last time she'd experienced such a vivid, almost realistic dream was during an intense sand storm that left her stranded in her AT-AT for four enduring days. Her water supply had depleted, and her food had been close to being gone, but running out of the water affected her the most. She was only eleven years of age and learned a valuable lesson that day: to hoard all the necessities she could possibly get her hands on.

And there were no boundaries when it came to survival.

None.

Her eyes shifted to Luke's concerned face, making her come back to the present.

"Your shaking has subsided," he observed. "You don't have to be so tense. You should try to relax." Slowly, she placed her back against the metal wall and crossed her legs on the lumpy bed. Her hands rested on her thighs as she tried to piece together her thoughts.

"Why did you come in here?" she asked in a soft whisper.

"When I was talking to my sister, I felt the force emanating from the direction of your room. I could feel your immense fear and dread. It was almost suffocating, making it hard to breathe." Rey kept her eyes on Luke's demeanor as he went on. He wasn't trying to hide his anxiety. What does he know? "The feeling was so sudden, I thought you were in danger. So I ran here and saw your were asleep, but you were... it looked like you were having a nightmare. I tried waking you, but you wouldn't respond to my voice. I even shook you, but didn't get anywhere." His eyes studied her, waiting to see her reaction to his next statement. "Then you woke, startled, yelling out for my nephew."

Rey let out a long, rattled breath. She'd been hoping yelling out for Ben had been exclusive to just the dream, but Luke confirmed her suspicion that it wasn't.

"You were dreaming of him," Luke stated it as a fact rather than a question. Rey felt herself shudder, whether it was from the cold metal she was leaning against or from hearing Kylo Ren's birth name, she didn't know.

She didn't want to know.

"It wasn't a dream," she muttered. Luke grimaced. "I mean, the whole setting was a dream, but Kylo was real. He was really there." She knew saying it out loud sounded crazy, but Luke didn't look at her like she was losing her mind. He seemed to be analyzing.

"How do you know?"

"I just do," she snapped at him out of annoyance, but immediately regretted the outburst. Luke arched a brow as he patiently waited for her to expand further. Rey lifted a hand to her neck and gently massaged the tension away, relaxing her shoulders.

"Somehow, I could feel his presence and his emotions. I've had plenty of dreams before, but none of them had such a feel of realism." She brought her hand down to eye level and looked at the fingers of her right hand. She rubbed them against her thumb, thoughtfully. "I can still feel his skin on my fingertips." Luke glanced at her fingers, then back up to her face.

By the stagnant look in her eyes, her mind was somewhere else.

"May I see the dream?" he asked. Her eyes pinched at him apprehensively. "It won't be painful like it was for you before, and I'll stick to just seeing the dream," Luke promised. "It would help me to understand what you saw. But if you don't want to show me, you don't have to. You can always just describe the dream to me instead, if you're more comfortable with that option."

She thought about the two options, leaning more towards one.

"You can see it," she responded after a moment.

Luke raised his hands to either side of her head and gently pressed his fingers against her temples, closing his eyes to concentrate. Rey felt a pressure start to accumulate beneath her scalp, but it didn't hurt. It almost felt like a gentle massage, like the ones she would give herself when she would get dehydration headaches while scavenging for far too long. 

After what seemed like a few minutes, Luke yanked his arms away and abruptly stood. He turned his back on Rey, his stare darting across the walls. Rey was shocked at his sudden reaction. 

_Oh no. It must be bad._

She waited for him to say something, not knowing what to do and too scared to hear what Luke thought of her encounter with Kylo.

When the suspense became too long to bear, Rey finally spoke. "Luke?"

He hesitated before pivoting back around, his face pale and grief stricken. Rey felt uneasy.

"I'm sorry. I just haven't seen my nephew for a very long time. It – it affected me more than I thought it would." He took a deep breath, composing himself. "I haven't seen him look so… caring since he was a young boy. He looked like the Ben I used to be so fond of, just more grown up." Luke actually let himself smile, probably thinking back to the times when Ben was a happy, carefree boy.

Rey wondered just how long ago that was. _  
_

She didn't know what to say to Luke; she was not used to comforting others. She settled on silence. Waiting. Luke came to sit back down on the edge of the bed, his hands clasped in his lap, gazing straight ahead at the door.

"The Ben in your shared dream seemed to care about you," he began to say slowly, choosing his words with careful consideration. "He seemed horrified at losing you when you fell off the cliff's edge." She didn't have to be a Jedi to know what emotion plagued the man before her: Confusion.

"Can you tell me about him?" Rey gently asked. "What Ben used to be like, before Kylo Ren?"

It struck Rey that asking such a question might come off as rude and insensitive. But before she could take it back, Luke began to speak, all the while his body remaining still.

"I didn't spend a lot of time with him when he was very young, but I would come visit on occasion. Or Leia would have him sit with her when we talked on the holoscreen." He chuckled to himself, glancing at Rey. "You might be surprised by this, but he was a lot like his father. Not in the sense of being fascinated with ships and flying, like Han was, but more of his personality." That indeed surprised her. She couldn't picture the man who hurled her into a tree acting like Han Solo.

She kept her opinions to herself as she placidly listened to Luke's words.

"Ben would love to tell me all about the 'adventures' him and his friends would go on... how they loved playing stormtroopers and rebels. He was also a very mischievous boy, always trying to pull pranks on anyone he could find. Nothing too serious, though," he assured her. "And he got really good at mastering the art of sarcasm." Luke's face lit up before he went on. "I remember when I came to visit for one of Han's life day parties – I was helping Leia and Ben with some last minute preparations when Han yelled from the bathroom. He ran out, his hair as green as Rodian scales."

"No," Rey gasped, actually becoming enthralled with the tale. "He must've been livid!" Rey found herself starting to laugh as she pictured a younger Han with green hair. She put a hand up to her mouth to try and compose herself.

"Oh, Han was furious." Luke gradually became more animated as he continued. "Turned out, his hair had been thinning for a few years and he'd been doing everything he could to slow it down. He was using this new cream that seemed promising at the time. You needed to leave it in your hair for about an hour and wrap it in this plastic cap to get maximum results. Well, Ben somehow got ahold of some green dye and put it into the bottle, thinking that Han would notice and just not use it." Luke smiled, shaking his head at the memory. "You should've seen Ben's reaction when Han walked into that living area. He was laughing so hard that tears were coming out of his eyes. Leia and I tried not to laugh right along with him, but we couldn't help it. Han was of course Han about it, shouting and yelling at Ben, but Leia got him to eventually calm down."

"Wait. Han went to the party with green hair?" Rey asked incredulously.

"Oh, no. Leia immediately called up her assistant to try and get Han's hair back to its natural shade. But the color turned his hair a dark brown, making it obvious he'd done something to it. What's ironic is all that hair dye made him lose a lot of his hair. He tried to get out of going to the party, but Leia basically dragged him to it. You could just tell how embarrassed he was. Everyone noticed that he looked borderline bald. It eventually started growing back, though."

"What happened to Ben?"

"They took away his privilege of the HoloNet, confiscated all his virtual games. The punishment only lasted a few days, and Ben seemed willing to pay for what he'd done. He was really understanding for being only nine." Luke looked at Rey's astonished face and they both started laughing. It felt good to let go of the current stress of her life and to just sit there, listening to an amusing story.

But soon, the laughter died down and the smiles faded from their lips, the atmosphere once again growing serious.

"That young boy no longer exists," Luke stated, eyes glossing over and filling with the regret. Rey felt pity for the old Jedi.

"You need to be careful, Rey," he warned. "Whatever is going on between you and Ben, it could very well ruin you. If this is some sort of connection between the two of you, he could try to use it to sway you to the dark side or use it to find you. He wants to be fully immersed in the darkness and will kill anything that stands in his way." They both thought about Han. "If he somehow cares for you, even if it's buried deep within, he'll want to rid himself of those feelings." Luke let the implication of his words float in the silence between them.

Rey's hands felt clammy, and she found it increasingly hard to swallow. Luke stared at her intensely, trying to convey the danger she was in.

"You mean... he'll try to kill me."

"Yes," he stated.

Her mind raced with the memories of fighting him on Starkiller. She could still feel the heat from both their sabers on her face, just as he asked to be her teacher. Through her continuing to fight him, she made it clear she would never be his apprentice.

If there was one thing Rey learned from living so long on Jakku, it was that she needed to adapt to situations quickly in order to survive. This might be the most dangerous situation she'd ever been in, but surviving this long without help had to count for something.

She straightened her posture and clenched her hands into fists. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time he's tried to kill me. Besides, when he comes at me again, I'll be ready. Right?" This was it. This was the moment Luke needed to make up his mind about training her. She wasn't going to let him leave without giving her an answer.

And Luke knew that.

Rey waited with baited breath, only letting it go when Luke finally nodded his head solemnly. "If you want to learn the ways of the Jedi, I'll teach you."

"The code–"

"No longer exists," he reassured her as he went to the door. "Get some rest. We'll start your training in the morning."

()()()()()

Kylo Ren panted heavily in his dueling chambers as he swung the lightsaber at the incoming holo-projections. One by one, he sliced them in two and blocked their artificially generated blaster bolts. He let his anger and aggression seep into every blow. Sweat dripped down his nose and chin, drenching his black, long sleeved dueling shirt and pants all the way through. He'd been at it for three hours now, but refused to acknowledge the exhaustion that dragged at his feet.

_Being tired is for the weak._

He heard the door slide open and, without thinking, glanced at the stormtrooper standing in the entrance. Distracted, one of the holo-bolts slipped passed his notice, hitting its mark. Pain flared throughout his elbow, shooting up his arm and making it seize. He Force pushed the button on the silver plated wall, the projections flickering before disappearing.

"I'm not to be disturbed while dueling," he growled as he turned to face the idiotic trooper. The urge to snap his neck was overwhelming, but if he killed one more of Hux's subordinates, Hux would go tattle to the Supreme Leader about how 'unfair' Kylo was being. Even though he knew his master wouldn't punish him, he was not in the mood for another lecture on how he should work with Hux and view him as an equal.

It was nauseating just thinking of that sniveling worm being on even ground with him.

 _Maybe I should kill this trooper to get the Supreme Leader's attention_. The last time Kylo had talked to Snoke was on Starkiller. He couldn't figure out what was currently going on that his master would ignore him. Kylo hated being ignored. Reminded him too much of the past, when he was a nobody with no power and no respect.

Instead of giving into the temptation of killing, he gave the stormtrooper a venomous glower and relished in the fear radiating into the room.

"General Hux demands your presence on the bridge, Lord Ren."

_Demands? That red headed bastard._

"I'll be there when I can." The stormtrooper didn't move. "Is there something else?" The muscles in Kylo's neck tightened and the grip on his saber was so severe, he was surprised it didn't break under the pressure.

"The general wants you there as soon as possible." Kylo's hand extended, Force pushing the stormtrooper out of the room and against the hallway wall, the armor audibly cracking. The door closed after no longer sensing the trooper's presence. Kylo lowered his arm, trying to control his inner rage. He looked down at his grip on the saber hilt and managed to loosen it, noticing the crack on the left plasma vent that had been welded closed a few days ago. That scavenger scum had almost ruined it beyond repair.

He made his way to the refresher and went through the motions of washing the morning grime and sweat away. When he caught his reflection in the mirror, he stopped to examine the light pink scar running from above his right eyebrow, down his cheek, and all the way down to the top of his shoulder. He ran his fingers along the blemish, touching it lightly. Reverently.

The bacta tank had healed his wounds the best it could, but time had worked against him. He had received treatment too late to be fully healed. 

He massaged his right shoulder, feeling a tinge of pain. The bone didn't heal right and he knew it would bother him for the rest of his life. The rest of the wounds, his upper right and left arm, along with his left thigh, would all bear scars from his duel on Starkiller base. Constant reminders of how the scavenger defeated him. Humiliated him.

And had robbed him of his focus. He'd had no desire to see her dead; he never landed a killing blow. He could have. But he didn't. What he'd seen in her was the potential for a true equal... a partner that matched him in the Force.

She denied him.

Just like everyone in his family had tossed him aside, she had looked upon him and had been disgusted – which was ironic since she collected and lived among trash for a living.

With the pad of his thumb he touched his hip, running it over the ridges and jagged edges, the shiny paleness of the scar standing out against his already white skin _._ He fought the nervous swirls that braided in his empty stomach, his ears ringing as he heard the distant roar of a Wookie, remembering. His hip still ached, like the ghostly echo of the metal quarrel that ripped through the skin not long ago. He knew the pain was not physical. If it had been, he would've known how to treat it.

The mending of mental scars always evaded him.

He couldn't undo the sensations and images that were embedded deeply within his conflicted mind. They followed him everywhere, taunting and sneering at him, having him hear Han Solo shout his birth name, followed by a familiar feral bellow. The dreams didn't help with his sanity, either. If anything, it was making him worse. _  
_

But he had to move on. Put it all behind him. Only then could he become stronger, reach his full potential of power.

The past held no quarter for him.

Kylo changed into his proper battle attire and helmet, thankful that the device covered his despondent face. It offered him comfort, making him feel strong and capable. He thought of how annoyed and impatient Hux would be by now, and a little smile played along his lips. He walked to the bridge with no sense of urgency.

Not one trooper outwardly paid him any heed as they passed him, but he could feel them cower under his officious authority. In a way, their fear was the ultimate show of respect.

The main door whistled open as he entered. He started to scan the room when he heard Hux call out to him from his left.

"Ah, Ren. You finally decided to bask us with your presence." Hux strode up to him, hands clasped behind his back. Kylo didn't move as he watched Hux's skinny frame attempt to look domineering. Pride was spilling off of him, which bothered Kylo. Hux was the one person he'd encountered that was not afraid of him.

 _One day he'll be put in his rightful place. Preferably in an unmarked grave_.

"Supreme Leader Snoke wanted me to convey a message to you." 

_Supreme Leader is talking to Hux?!_

Kylo was thankful that his mask hid his shock. "You are to hunt down the scavenger girl and kill her. On your own. No aid. Whatever you must do to complete this mission, do it. The Supreme Leader will not accept failure this time." Hux paused to look Kylo over. "If I were you, I would take this opportunity to get some much needed R&R for a bit. You seem to be rather sluggish since that little girl bested you." Hux put on a face of fake pity.

"As I recall, that 'little girl' helped blow up you precious weapon." The general's face turned red, his temples protruding as he clenched his teeth together. Ren turned and left the station before Hux could come up with some sort of petty response.

_That cretin was already taking up too much of my time that he doesn't deserve._

Figuring out how to find the scavenger, on the other hand, was much more worthy of Kylo's thoughts.

On the way back to his living quarters, he couldn't help but feel uneasy that the Supreme Leader seemed to be ignoring him on purpose.

 _Is he really that disappointed in me? I did what he said, I killed Han Solo,_ he internally raged. _He should be angrier with Hux after he lost the First Order's most powerful weapon. Hux is the one who should be left in the shadows, not me!_

Kylo swore he'd get back into his master's good graces, prove to Snoke that he was a worthy apprentice. Because without Snoke, without the Dark side, what did he have?


	5. He Doesn't Deserve Respite

Luke walked back into the common living area of the Falcon, glancing at Chewie lounging on the curved bench. The Wookie shot to his feet, inquiring about Rey. Luke raised his hand to calm the worried friend.

"She's fine. Just resting. No need to be alarmed."

_At least not yet._

Everything seemed to be spinning at a pace that was too fast for Luke to process. He'd agreed to teach the girl, and he still wasn't sure if that was the right call. Choosing the path of the Force was not an easy road, it was one that had multiple detours paved with death and misery... but also the possibility of freedom. He hoped the Force would guide him to the latter, but would accept if it was his time to leave this realm. To fear death was of the Dark side.

But he did fear it for his new, much younger apprentice.

"Aaagh agh aaaaagh." _Leia keeps hailing the Falcon._

"Of course she is." Luke placed his hand on a rusted panel beside him, letting out a long, ragged breath. His energy was spent from talking with his sister before dealing with Rey's dream. And now Leia wanted to continue their conversation, if that's what it was.

Seeing Leia on the holoscreen earlier broke every ounce of determination Luke had to hold himself together. He just sat there, staring at her, taking in her aged feminine features. The puffy bags under her eyes were a testament to how tired she was, the whites around her dark pupils bloodshot from trying to hold back tears. She had smiled at him, but the grin didn't light up her appearance. Her inner pain was evident, even from lightyears away.

 _I did this to her. I couldn't save Ben, and now my sister has lost her family_.

Luke started sobbing in front of his twin. He tried to conceal most of his anguish by putting his head in his hands, but he couldn't stop the cries that escaped his lips. He considered stopping the transmission, but knew that would be a horrible idea. He had to get control of his shaking body and own up for his past failures. Finally, after grounding himself, he looked up at the holoscreen. Leia's cheeks were wet, and Luke's heart rate doubled in speed.

"I've missed you, Luke," she murmured softly. Luke wiped at his eyes, conveying the same sentiment to Leia.

Then, silence.

He wasn't sure what to say to his sister, but he knew what she wanted to hear. He knew she wanted to know about the last few months her son had still been Ben. Even though Luke had left her a brief message before disappearing, it had been vague and the transmission almost incoherent, thanks to intergalactic radiation. Naturally, she would demand the unforgiving details. But the truth was, even Luke wasn't exactly sure when everything started to implode inside his nephew. He had his theories, but only Ben could reveal the whole truth.

If Ben even knew what the truth was.

Luke couldn't tell her about the expectations that surrounded her son. Couldn't tell her that it was their father and Obi-Wan who told him of his nephew's vague destiny. Luke still didn't have all the answers. He tried searching for them in the temples, but came up empty. So no, he couldn't tell Leia everything. Ben didn't even know about it. No one did.

In an attempt to put off talking about Ben, Luke inquired about the Resistance. Surprisingly, other star systems had started to reach out to Leia after the annihilation of the Hosnian System, finding their courage amidst such harrowing times.

"They want to join the Resistance in destroying the First order. Our numbers are low and it's good that other worlds are finally realizing the real threat the galaxy is under. I just wish it didn't take a whole system being destroyed to make these leaders see reason." Leia's forehead cinched in frustration. "Billions of lives murdered in an instant." Her voice was above a whisper, her gaze cast down.

 _She had friends that died on Hosnian Prime_ , Luke thought, _and now all she has is her memories of them._

His gaze dropped to view his hands interlaced upon his lap.

"I remember feeling their terror, their helplessness," Luke explained carefully. "Men, women, children. The sudden bombardment of emotion made me black out, it was too much for me to take in. For anyone to take in." Luke would never forget that day, of feeling all those people think about their loved ones. He had swiftly witnessed wives clinging to their husbands, friends saying their goodbyes, and mothers holding their children for the last time. The anger Luke felt when he woke in his hut was uncontrollable. He had grabbed his lightsaber, ran to the largest rock formation, and turned part of it into rubble. Then, he'd gone to his knees and sobbed. He recalled when Obi Wan felt the people of Alderaan as their end came, and rebuked himself for not controlling his emotions better, like his former master.

Both Luke and Leia were quiet for some time, thinking about the unnecessary carnage Starkiller had reaped on so many innocent lives.

"Are you considering moving the base?" Luke glanced back up at Leia, trying to change the subject. He was comforted to hear that they were already making preparations for such an endeavor.

Leia explained how they were working quickly to pack up and move their base to Carlac, a planet in the Outer Rim Territories. The Death Watch had started building a base there during the Clone Wars, but was abandoned before it was completely finished. About half the Resistance was already there, with the rest to follow tomorrow to help fortify the surrounding area. When Leia started conveying the numbers left in their fleet, Luke felt the all-encompassing fear that left him unable to breathe.

It was coming directly from Rey.

He immediately bolted to his feet while hearing his sister frantically shouting his name.

And now here he stood, leaning against the skeleton of the Falcon, wondering if he could continue talking to Leia. He headed to the cockpit instead of the private comms station, deciding he would like to have a view of the island while conversing with her. He would need something to look at while he told her of how he failed her son.

()()()()()

Kylo Ren rummaged through his closet, packing extra clothing and other essentials into his duffle bag and personal trunk. His spare helmet was off, but his full battle attire was still on as he grabbed the heavy bag and threw it on his bed. He didn't know how long this mission was going to take, so he purposefully over packed to make sure he was prepared for anything. The comm link buzzed, interrupting his preparations.

"Yes?" Kylo walked over to the refresher to grab his hygienic essentials.

"Sir, we have loaded everything you requested onto your ship. It's ready for take off whenever you are."

"I'll be there in ten minutes." He strolled back to the luggage, stuffing his remaining possessions inside. Once zipped, he placed his helmet over his head and commanded the stormtroopers waiting outside to carry the bag and trunk to the idle vessel. They made their way to the main hangar bay, where Kylo finally got to see the craft that would be carrying him across the galaxy.

He briefly stopped to give the questionable ship a once over.

_I asked for an inconspicuous ship, but this looks like it won't even make it to the next star system!_

He wondered where the First Order even found such a relic – the VCX-100 light freighter. The model had been made after The Clone Wars, but hadn't been used much since the fall of the Empire. When he studied the history of the Rebellion growing up, he'd read about how these ships were made to be specifically elusive, with secret compartments and a way of hiding itself from Imperial radar. It could even fit a specially designed smaller craft inside that would detach from the freighter's hull.

_Hux is banking on this ship falling apart and me dying out in space._

Kylo seethed with annoyance, but decided to prove his adversary wrong by surviving in this tin can. He could use his knowledge of ship mechanics and engineering – which he'd gained throughout his youth – to make the ship last the voyage. Maybe even make some improvements.

As he entered and made his way to the cockpit, his mind drifted unwillingly to his father. Han had taught him as much as he could about flying, but Ben was always more interested in the engineering aspect of it all. That's not to say he wasn't good at piloting. Han would point out on more than one occasion how naturally talented he was at the pilot controls, but Ben was never as enthusiastic. He always knew Han had been disappointed in him for not being more interested in competing in one of those junior saber races he hosted.

Kylo came up behind the pilot's chair, resting his hands on the rounded top. His head turned as his eyes examined the co-pilot seat through the dark tint of his helmet.

A memory flashed in his mind.

_Ten years of age, Ben sat in the co-pilot seat of the Millenium Falcon. He gazed at the control board with fascination, wanting to take it all apart and see how it worked. But his father would murder him if he maimed his precious baby._

" _Just imagine kid, you could be the youngest being to compete in the saber race. And if you win, which I think you would, your name would be in the record books!" The excitement in his father's voice was impossible to miss. Ben looked up at him, seeing the pride shine through his eyes as Han gazed at his only son._

"Stop!" Kylo shot his fist out to the wall, making a dent in the metal frame. His hand throbbed with anger, but he welcomed it. It helped purge the memories of his younger, foolish self and bring his mind back to the his present task. The strangling guilt had been about to engulf him, like a black hole, if he hadn't had the pain in his hand to focus on.

He tore his gloves off and massaged the knuckles of his dominant hand, closing his eyes, centering himself. The coolness of his fingers gave the hot and inflamed knuckles some relief.

 _Do_ _not dwell on the past. What's done is done. There's no going back. There is nothing to go back to. There is only what lies ahead._

The scavenger's face lit up in his mind.

Kylo made his way to the pilot seat and started the ship's sequence for takeoff. He had a purpose and a mission to complete. Once he was done, the Supreme Leader would praise him for getting his revenge and for proving his loyalty.

_Killing your father should have proved that to him._

Kylo seethed at the abrupt and unwelcome thought.

_The Supreme Leader is wise; he has a plan for me. I trust his guidance._

He directed the ship through the hanger and shot out into the emptiness of space. A long, shaky breath escaped his lips as he gently removed the mask, placing it in the co-pilot's chair. The smell of the cold, metallic atmosphere inside the freighter hit his nose and chilled his throat, his eyes darting between all the stars that were laid out before him.

Floating out there in the vastness of space, alone, made Kylo feel somber. It had been years since he'd gone on a mission alone, and he started to relish in the freedom he started to feel. He knew that feeling wouldn't last, though. A deep, debilitating fear started to surface through his solemn exterior: the fear of being alone, of not belonging anywhere, of having no one to turn to. He knew that fear was his weakness, for he'd never found a way to keep it buried in the dark pit of his subconscious for long.

Sitting still, arms crossed over his chest, Kylo thought of that recurring dream. He could still feel the strong sense of wonderment at finding the girl, of running through the snow to see her. The same sensation had caught hold of him when he first laid eyes on her at Takodana, and it struck him with unease that he didn't fight against it. He had theorized that the girl was quite possibly the one who plagued his dreams, but dismissed the notion as being impossible. Still, he remembered being mesmerized by her. Admiring her. And he hadn't known why.

Then he had found an excuse to take her back to Starkiller. He hadn't even questioned his actions at the time.

Holding her in his lap on his command shuttle, Kylo had been afraid that if he let go of her, she'd disappear. Go back to whatever dream she existed in.

All the stormtroopers had just stared at the oddity of witnessing Kylo Ren being possessive over some random girl.

 _Let them stare_ , he had thought. _Their opinions are worthless_.

For most of the flight back, he studied the face that was cradled against his chest, relishing in the feel of her body against his. His eyes ran over her long lashes, her plump, red lips, her sun kissed skin. What would it feel like to touch her without the barrier of his gloves?

 _If she could see my face, would she be drawn to me like I am drawn to her_? Kylo had thought, still not looking away from her, fantasizing of her hand caressing his cheek. But then he felt sick knowing that he shouldn't be wondering about such childish things.

Kylo exhaled, letting go of the memories as he leaned over and punched in the coordinates to his destination, activating the hyperdrive. _I cannot indulge in such foolish pieces of fiction, cannot let compassion dictate my actions. She's an enemy of The Order, and she will die.  
_

He left the cockpit, entering each of the living chambers lined just outside, finding the black trunk in one of the four different rooms. It held an array of the different identities he could hide behind, his own very chest of lies and deceptions. A new change of clothes was needed to blend into where he was going, his identity needing to remain a secret. He didn't want the girl to catch wind that he was hunting her.

It could make her harder to find if she was too overly cautious.

He took off his belt, followed by his robes. Bumps spread across his naked, pale skin as the cold brushed against his body. He unclasped the silver latches on both sides of the luggage and lifted the lid. He peered at the set of rags lying on top, their light beige complexion sticking out against the contrast of the dark, inner lining of the trunk. It had been a very long time since he'd worn anything besides black, and he felt himself becoming apprehensive about wearing the light, cotton fabric.

Under his mask was where he was the most comfortable. That helmet was his true face.

 _It will all be worth it in the end_.

Putting aside his trepidation, he started to dress, the fibers of the light fabric scratching against his skin. It was tempting to forget the guise all together and go back to his soft, dark attire. But he didn't

_Besides, keeping cool in the heat of the desert would work better in something lighter._

_The climate on Jakku can be relentless._

_()()()()()_

Rey meditated at the northern most part of the island, feeling the morning sun warming her skin, letting the slosh of the waves fill her ears. She basked in the wonderment of being able to be on an island, of being able to experience the ocean in person. Here, on this planet, she didn't have to worry about scavenging old Imperial vessels or rationing her food to last more than a few days. She can now choose to be whoever she wanted to be. Who she can become was no longer dictated by someone's choices, but were now her own. So when she had woken from her rough night of sleep, she headed out to find Luke to start the beginnings of her journey in becoming a Jedi.

Rey had found him meditating on a large flat boulder, not too far from his hut, watching the languid sunrise. "It will be hard, Rey," the man had warned. "You must learn discipline and restraint, which will be difficult since you're starting to train in your adulthood." She listened and nodded with eagerness as he explained how the training would be set up to challenge her, maybe even make her contemplate quitting.

Her emotions bubbled with the excitement of a challenge.

"I won't let you down. I promise." Rey couldn't hold in her sheer joy any longer. She smiled at Luke, but he didn't return the enthusiasm. He looked up at the light blue sky, seeming to get lost in his own thoughts.

Her smile vanished in the breeze. That monster probably promised Luke the same thing once, only to go back on his oath.

Rey craned her head up, watching the island native blue birds fly overhead, their shrill shrieking becoming somewhat annoying.

"Well," Luke said abruptly, his focus returning to her. "Your first lesson can be learning to meditate, to feel the Force flowing through you."

"I've never meditated in my life," she admitted, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Unless trying to fall asleep counts?"

Luke grinned. "They both have their similarities, but are different. When you meditate, you want to feel connected with the living, become one with all that surrounds you." Luke opened his arms, fanning out to the landscape. "You can ponder questions you have and let the Force guide you in your thoughts. Don't fight the path that is laid out to you. Becoming one with the Force is of the Light side. When you start to try to bend it to your will, that is when the Dark side starts to become alluring."

Rey was trying to digest what Luke was teaching her. 

_Being selfish, dark side. Being selfless, light side._

It slowly dawned on her that it might take an incredible amount of discipline to stay in the Light. All her life, she'd only looked out for herself. She made it a priority to stay away from people as much as possible – less people in her life meant less conflict.

_I'm not a bad person, though. At least, I don't think I am. I've helped random strangers who desperately needed it._

She thought of the few times she'd found people dying of dehydration on Pilgrim's Road. She'd lift their heads and pour water into their mouths, then quickly put them on her speeder to deliver them to Niima Outpost. And then there was BB-8. She'd helped that little droid when she didn't need to.

_See, Rey? You can do this. You can be selfless and let the Force guide you._

"So," Luke continued, "I would advise that you go explore the island. Find a peaceful place and meditate for a while. Find inner peace. When you're done, come find me. I have a feeling you'll be interested in more training with the lightsaber." A coy smile played along Luke's lips. Rey beamed at him.

"But first things first," he ordered, shooing her away.

_Right. Time to meditate._

"Oh, and Rey?" She stopped and turned upon hearing him call out to her. "It will be up to you how you want to address me. Whether it be Luke, Or Master Skywalker, it's your choice."

"Wouldn't Master Skywalker be more appropriate, since I'm your apprentice?"

He didn't answer, instead going back to his immobile state of meditation. She had the sense that he didn't like the title of Master, that it reminded him too much of the past. But no one can run from their memories.

They made you who you are.

"I'll be back soon, Master Skywalker." The loose strands of her hair tickled her cheeks as she walked away from the wide, flat rock. She didn't know where to go exploring first, so she let her feelings guide her. As she headed over to the northern side of the island, she heard Luke's voice carry over to her in the wind.

"No falling asleep!"

She smiled at the grassy terrain, making her way across the unknown territory.

()()()()()

Rey stood at the entrance of a hallway, eyes roaming over a sleek and modern living area. It was of a relatively decent size, big enough to fit two sizable blue sofas and matching end tables. The walls were a light grey color, which played off the dark blue of the furniture in a pleasant and appealing way. Random pieces of art lined the walls, too abstract for her to interpret. Directly in front her was a small, square metal table with four forest green metallic chairs. The dining room flowed directly into a small kitchen, a large counter taking up most of the space in the middle.

The home struck her as beautiful, but comfy. It's a place she wished she had while growing up. All it needed was a family to match.

Something dark appeared in her periphery. She shifted her gaze back to the living room.

Rey's breathing halted mid inhale.

Dressed in all black, a tall man stood not far from her, his back facing her. There was no need to see the man's face, for she knew who he was from his strong build and wavy raven hair:

Kylo Ren.

His presence resonated within her, the inky darkness of anger and pain swimming among her gut, corrupting her once peaceful demeanor. Breathing now shallow, she dare not move, waiting for the moment he would sense her existence. But he never turned. He just kept staring straight ahead. Cautiously, Rey took a calculated and quiet step to her left, peering around his broad frame.

Her eyes caught the manifestation of a young boy lying across the couch, hands intertwined across his abdomen. He had to be somewhere around eleven or twelve years of age, for his youthful face had not caught up to his maturing stature. Eyes fixed on the ceiling, a look of gloom was etched across the boys features, light glittering across his cheeks as Rey realized he'd been crying.

Even young, the boy's angular face was more than recognizable, now appearing in the matured countenance of a sinister man. This young boy was Ben Solo, and Kylo Ren was looking straight at him.

Rey heard a door open and close on the other side of the far kitchen wall. Light on her feet, she bounced back as the sudden noise rippled across the silent room. The young Ben Solo darted into an upright position, quickly lifting his white shirt, wiping away his tear stained cheeks.

Kylo's hands clenched into tight fists.

"Ben?" A woman's voice yelled from the hall.

Ben cleared his throat. "I'm in here!" 

Footsteps traveled down the corridor, a woman entering hurriedly into the room. It was General Leia Organa, looking decades younger in her light blue dress, so different from her usual military garb Rey was accustomed to seeing her in. Hair pulled back into a tight bun, her defined cheekbones revealed a grimace as she saw her son.

Rey waited for Leia to notice her and Kylo standing there, but she paid them no heed. She only had eyes for Ben.

Panic was written all over Leia's face as she rushed to the young boy, Kylo's head following the woman as she made her way to the elegant sofa, placing her datapad on the end table.

"Oh Ben. I'm so sorry I missed the award ceremony." She sat down next to her son, wrapping him in a speedy embrace. "The Senate was fighting over this new trade bill that the Centrists didn't agree with. Neither party was wanting to come to a compromise. I was the main Populist voice and I tried to make the other Senators see reason–" Ben harshly withdrew from Leia's hold, scooting away from her, his features souring into a scowl.

Leia lowered her arms and looked miserable.

Silence ensued as mother and son stared at one another.

"Did you get both sides to compromise and pass the bill?" Ben asked, tone eerily level.

"No."

After a brief pause, Ben began to laugh derisively, eyes briefly glancing up at the ceiling. "You wasted your whole day with a Senate you had to have known wouldn't agree on a damn thing, and in return, you missed the competition and awards ceremony. Again." He rubbed his lips together, clucking his tongue as he added, "You know, since you basically live in that Senate building, you should just move all your shit there."

"Language, Ben," she scolded.

"My apologies; you should just move all your shit there, _mother_."

Shame plastered across the general's face as she looked at her stoic son. Kylo's head moved from side to side, looking between his mother and younger self, his whole body rigid, hands looking ready to pelt anything that provoked him.

"I know how important this competition was to you Ben, but–" A ding from the datapad interrupted her. She sighed in frustration and snatched the pad off the table. Her gaze stayed on the opened message longer than necessary, trying to avoid looking at her son.

"Duty calls?" Ben asked with a certain amount of venom.

Her voice was little more than a whisper as she looked apologetically at Ben. "I'm needed at the Senate building. Tai-Lin wrote it's urgent."

"Well then, by all means, go. Sounds important." His voice was cold. Distant. The silence that filled the room grew, like a living entity between them. Rey could tell Leia was conflicted as to what to do.

 _Surely she's going to stay,_ Rey thought _._ She might not know much about reading people, but she knew enough to see that the young boy was deeply hurt and shouldn't be left alone. _  
_

To Rey's utter disbelief, Leia slowly stood and adjusted her dress.

"I'll warm up some leftovers that you can eat for dinner before I go." Her stare lingered on Ben before she headed to the kitchen.

Kylo followed the woman as Ben stayed seated on the couch, studying his mother from across the room. Rey lithely hopped behind the wall before Kylo could notice her intruding presence.

"I'll make this up to you Ben," Leia said. "I promise." Cabinets were being opened and shut, and Rey could hear the clatter of items being put on the counter. Leia was out of view from inside the kitchen, but she saw as Kylo placed both palms on the countertop, leaning in the direction of his mother. Rey saw the side of his face, saw it seeping with unpolluted fury.

"You'll make it up to me?" Kylo spoke through a tight jaw. Even though Rey knew Leia couldn't see them, some small part of her was still expecting the woman to answer back.

She didn't.

Blood pumped furiously in Rey's ears, her whole body pulsating with soldering heat as she watched the man before her, unable to tear her eyes away from this very personal moment.

"Do you even remember how hard I worked to win or to even qualify for that competition?" he asked. "It had taken me years to learn the complexities of battle strategy so I could win. And I did it for you, the idolized war general of the Rebellion. But you didn't even care!" Kylo leaned further over the counter as Rey watched the veins in his neck start to bulge from underneath his skin. "And guess what? I know for a fact you don't make it up to me. You forget all about it." His eyes stayed focused on his mother as she moved about the kitchen.

Rey jumped as Kylo slammed his fist down upon the marble slab. "Don't leave!" he now begged, sounding desperate. "Stay here and make it up to me, like you promised! Can't you see how what's happening to me? How much I've started to hate you? Stop choosing the New Republic over me every fucking time they call!" Tears streamed down his face, hair sticking to those wet tracks on his cheeks. 

He let out a strangled sob, hands covering his face in shame, voice becoming softer and harder to hear. Rey strained to hear the words that escaped his quivering lips. "You were never here to notice what was happening. You and dad both had more important things to do then to actually see that I was struggling. That I needed you. What did I need to do to get you to notice? Hurt myself? Because I did, and you still didn't...." Glancing up, he looked every bit like the boy sitting on the sofa, lost and alone. "Why couldn't you just be my mom?" His voice broke, and he inhaled a shaky breath.

Rey came a little closer.

"Why didn't you or dad care about me? You pawned me off to Uncle Luke, forgot all about me. I needed you and you weren't willing to give me your time." He was pleading with his mother, but the prayer fell on deaf ears. Rey heard him, though. She understood the emotions behind his words.

 _My family dumped me on Jakku and forgot about me. I needed them too, but no one ever came back_.

The mixture of Kylo and Rey's despair was threatening to consume her into the unknown, a place where grief and vengeance fought for dominance.

She looked at this lost man with pity, the overwhelming instinct to comfort him shaming her. _He killed his father, he doesn't deserve respite_ , she scolded inwardly. But her compassion for him, in that moment, did not vanish into the stale air like she hoped.

Leia exited the kitchen with two small bowls, walking between Rey's line of vision that she shared with her older son. Kylo's eyes followed his mother as she made her way to the table, but his stare stopped when he saw Rey.

_Oh no._

Eyes wide, mouth slack, he was utterly shocked by her presence. In watching the whole scene unfold, Rey had forgot the possibility of him seeing her at that angle.

Throat seizing, denying her air, fear blossomed within Rey's chest as they stared at each other, neither moving an inch. After a few heartbeats, Kylo's expected anger clawed its way to the surface and threatened to explode directly at Rey.

"Get. Out," he said, enunciating the words with deliberation.

Rey remained frozen.

His lips pulled back into a snarl, looking like an animal ready to pounce on its prey. Rey's head pounded from anticipation, and she could feel the panic start to overwhelm her. Her feet remained glued to the floor.

She mustered the courage to speak to him. "I–"

"GET OUT!" he bellowed, his body bending from the overexertion of the scream.

Rey jumped, her heart skipping violently against her ribs as she darted down the hallway. She heard his heavy boots hit the ground as he came after her. As she hurled herself through the door at the end of the corridor, her body suddenly lurched, heat instantly hitting her face as she fell into an unfamiliar realm.

Her eyes where blinded by a powerful ray of light and she knew that death was imminent.


	6. Sharing Dreams

Kylo froze

The garbage picker... was here?

Shock painted across her face from being found out.

She had just witnessed everything that had unfurled: him acting like a spurned child, crying and pleading at his mother. Becoming lost in the personal atmosphere, he'd been completely oblivious to her presence, watching as if she had the right to.

Disbelief quickly made way to humiliation, which Kylo masked with indignation.

"Get. Out." he commanded, snarling, balling his fists.

The scavenger didn't move.

_What the hell is she waiting for?_

Under the pressure of what little control he had left, his fury threatened to explode, wanting to spare no one in its path.

"I-"

"GET OUT!" Kylo doubled over from the force of the scream, his arms bending at his sides. The girl jumped in fright, darting down the long hallway leading to his room. His black boots pounded against the floor as he sprinted after her. He rounded the corner too quickly, the sound of his body hitting the wall booming throughout the silent house. The girl sprang through the dark doorway at the end of the hall, disappearing, him close behind–

His stomach contracted, arms shooting out at nothing as his body went into a free fall.

The light blinded him instantly, the warmth of the air enveloping his sense of feeling. The descent only lasted a few moments, the right side of his body taking the full brunt of the impact, knocking the breath from his lungs. His limbs thrashed out to his sides as he rolled down a sandy hill, not able to interrupt the accelerated speed. Each time he tried to inhale, hot sand filled his mouth, attempting to suffocate him.

When he finally got control of his limbs he was able to slow the tumbling, coming to a stop at the bottom of the dune. Gagging on the sand, Kylo tried to breath normally again, getting on his hands and knees to allow the grit and spit to slide out of his mouth, sizzling on the ground. Even with his long sleeve shirt and pants covering most of his skin, he could feel sand in every crevice of his body, his palms burning from the heat of the desert floor.

He craned his head up and saw the scavenger sitting upright a few feet away from him. Again, they locked eyes, alarmed by the others presence. Kylo took in her appearance, noticing the disarray of her hair, the sand plastered to her tan skin and grey clothes. He sat back onto his heels, still breathing hard, looking at the desolation that surrounded them.

Rolling sandy hills went on for what seemed like miles, with nothing indicating that civilization was nearby.

He was alone with this girl.

The one who nearly killed him.

The one who had denied him.

The sun was already scorching any sliver of his exposed skin, salty sweat coating his upper lip and forehead. _What I would give for some water_ , he thought as his tongue slid across his dry mouth.

His gaze fell back upon the girl. She still hadn't moved. The previous feelings of anger and embarrassment towards her had dissipated from the sudden change in environment.

He was about to ask her if she was hurt, but caught himself.

_Why should I care for her well-being?_

"Where are we?" he asked, his voice sounding rough.

She raised a brow, dramatically motioning to their surroundings. "A desert."

He gave her a flat stare. "Look who's being petty."

She rolled her eyes. "It's Jakku."

"Where on Jakku?" he snapped at her. She gave out an exaggerated sigh and started to stand. He sprang to his feet, not wanting to be looked down upon, needing to be in a more intimidating position. She rolled her eyes again and scanned the unforgiving terrain.

"You think I can just look at a sand dune and recognize where we are?" she asked, irritated. Ren bent his head forward, shaking the sand from his hair with his hands. Each movement reminded him just how much grit was underneath his clothes.

"You did grow up here." He could tell he was aggravating her, and he found himself enjoying it a little too much. He watched as she untied the rest of her hair, brushing her hands over her body to get the excess sand off. He noticed how lean and toned her arms and body were _._

_To survive out here, you would have to keep yourself strong._

She glanced at him from the corner of her eye. "Stop looking at me."

"And where should I avert my gaze?"

"Anywhere else, but at me."

His eyes scanned the dreary planet, the sun reflecting off the surface and bringing him to the brink of a headache. "You're much more interesting to look at than sand."

Her head snapped at him, not believing what had just come out of his mouth. And honestly, he couldn't believe it either _._ Driving his hand through his hair, he swallowed the little ounce of saliva he had left.

 _Why did I say that? Why am I acting like this?_ For some unknown reason, Kylo's self control was being dampened while in her presence. _This isn't me. Not anymore, anyway. Ben Solo is gone._

Suddenly, Kylo heard the muffled sound of voices coming from the other side of one of the dunes.

The girl clawed her way over the unstable sand, going for the direction of the noise. He followed her, feet sinking and hands digging to find some sort of balance. He paused next to her at the top and stared out at the vast ravine, the ground littered with cracks and crevices from the dry climate. To the right he saw the outline of a woman, holding the hand of a young child. They were walking away from a ship and towards the direction of a large figure next to what seemed to be a speeder in the distance. He looked back at the ship, thinking he could make out the outline of a tall man.

"No," Rey whispered, horrified. Ren's attention went back to the young scavenger, her eyes taking in the scene as if it was something familiar.

She left him, sprinting down the hill and toward the woman and child, the pair getting closer to the larger figure.

Curious, Kylo followed behind her.

By the time they reached the strangers, Kylo was plastered with sweat and breathing heavily under his thick clothes. The sand chaffed along every inch of his skin, making it extremely uncomfortable to move. The temptation to take off his shirt was strong, but under the overwhelming sun, he knew his sallow skin would bake. He settled with rolling up his sleeves.

_No one should ever live here._

He watched as the the woman and child arrived at the speeder, seeing the large humanoid awaiting them. The older woman's dark grey cloak and navy blue dress rippled in the hot breeze, her blonde hair up in a tight bun, eyes squinting against the harsh sun. She had a soft, round face that mirrored itself in the little girl she was holding onto. There was a familiarity to the young child, but Kylo couldn't place where he'd seen her before.

The scavenger started to breathe hard, not taking her eyes off of the mother and child.

"Stay here. I'll come back for you." The young mother stopped the frightened little girl and knelt down to the child's level. She took the girl's face into her hands, planting a kiss to her forehead. The girl started to cry, holding onto her mother's arms fiercely.

Kylo just stared at the unfolding scene, realization dawning as to what was happening. _Is she leaving the girl with this disgusting creature?_ Repulsion seethed its way into his emotions, followed by anger. 

_S_ _he's leaving her daughter here_.

He turned towards the scavenger and saw a steady stream of tears falling down her cheeks.

"What the hell is this?" Kylo growled, but she ignored him. He watched as the big, fat blob strolled up to the embracing duo, looking to be impatient. Kylo's heart rate accelerated to a dangerous level, hands shaking with adrenaline.

"I'll come back, sweetheart." Kylo's eyes grew wide and his jaw went slack. The woman looked pained by what she was doing, but she was doing it anyway. "I promise." The alien grabbed the girl away from her mother as she yelled out for her. The older woman looked at the creature, nodded, and turned to walk away, not even glancing back at the child she was abandoning.

"Come back! Come back!" The girl was dragged away as she reached out, but her mother was already walking back to the ship in the distance.

"Quiet, girl!" The big creature grabbed the child and threw her onto the cruiser as she screamed in the direction of the woman. Kylo stepped forward and stretched out his hand to the distraught girl, but stopped when he heard the scavenger finally speak.

"Mom," she whispered. Ren turned around and saw her staring in the direction the woman had went.

_Mom?_

The speeder engine roared to life as he looked back at the thrashing girl shrieking while the alien held her down. Her pleas became more and more distant as the speeder went off into the unknown. 

_Wait. Is that girl…_ His eyebrows shot up in understanding.

"No," he breathed out in astonishment. _This is how she got on this hellhole? Her own mother left her here?_

The feeling of abandonment ignited his brain, flashes of his own life swelling in his mind's eye. He remembered being abandoned by his own father when he was thirteen, never seeing him again until that fateful day on the bridge. His father never tried to contact him, never wanted anything to do with him once he started exhibiting his strength in the Force. Just like everyone else in his life, he thought his son was a freak. And his own mother never tried to make her husband a better father. She never tried to mend their broken relationship. She let Han abandon his only son.

He had lost all respect for his mother after that.

"Hey!" he yelled out, causing the scavenger jump, but he didn't have time to acknowledge her. He couldn't control himself as he ran towards the older woman. "You can't do this to her! You can't leave your child on this Force forsaken planet!" Closing the distance between them, he reached out to her, only to be blocked by an unseen energy. The mother kept walking, oblivious to his presence. Still, it didn't stop him from trying to grab her, his attempts at gaining her attention making him ram his fists at the force field that surrounded her.

Hands were suddenly on his arms, trying to hold him back.

"Stop it! What are you doing?" the scavenger cried out. He shoved the hands away, needing this woman to acknowledge him. "Don't you see what this all is? We're reliving past events. We can't change any of it, because it's already happened." She sprang in front of him, trying to shove at his chest to make him stop. "You're wasting your time."

He halted, glaring at the girl's flushed face.

"Wasting my time?" His features twisted as he took a step forward, getting closer to her. "Did you expect me to just stand there, watch that whole disturbing scene, and do nothing?" he asked her incredulously.

The confusion on her face was evident, but she held her ground with confidence.

"You think this whole thing is disturbing after everything you've done?" she argued back.

He never kept track of how many people he'd personally killed, never really saw the need. But the number had to be very high. All of it, though, was for the First Order or the Supreme Leader. It had all been necessary. This, on the other hand, had been excruciating to witness.

"And yes," she said on an exhale. "I expected you to do nothing."

"Well at least I tried to do something instead of crying and feeling sorry for myself. Is that what you've learned throughout your life? To be complacent and not take control of your own future?" With hands still unknowingly on his chest, she shoved at him. He felt her strength through the push, but he was twice her size and stronger.

He barely teetered back.

The sting of his words hit her hard, and he actually regretted saying them. He thought back to their vicious fight in the snow and knew she didn't let others dictate her choices. He respected her for that, at least.

He slicked back his damp hair, licking his salty lips. He knew he shouldn't care what had happened to this girl in the past, but he couldn't find the will power to stop himself.

 _Something about this place is making me act differently than I otherwise would_.

He thought back to when he'd learned about dreams and how to interpret them when he was at Skywalker's Jedi Academy. In the realm of dreams, it was harder to regulate ones self-control, because your true inner self was more dominant in your subconscious – which was where dreams occurred. If that was indeed true, Kylo had a huge problem.

At that very moment, he could feel his old self begging to be set free. It made him seethe with worry.

"I shouldn't have said that," he finally admitted.

She blinked quickly as she gawked at him. Seconds passed before she started to relax, both staying an arms length apart. The roar of a ships engine caught their attention, the vessel soaring upward into the atmosphere, disappearing into the blackness of space. He didn't have to look at the girl to know what she felt:

Utterly defeated.

"Why are we here? Together? Reliving these events over again?" she asked, voice trembling with emotion. The fact that she would ask him for his opinion caught him off guard. He thought the girl was only capable of either insulting him, or inflicting some sort of violence.

He paused, trying to find an answer, but nothing came to mind.

"I don't know," he relinquished, placing his hands on his hips, rolling out the tension in his shoulders. "This dream feels real, though."

The sun agreed with him.

The girl walked passed him, stating that she was going to go find shade on the other side of the dunes. Ren contemplated whether to follow, or to go off on his own quest to find relief from the sun's rays. He knew what he _should_ do, but found himself trailing behind her anyway.

They trekked in silence.

He looked at her as she walked atop the sand with more grace than he would ever have. He couldn't deny that everything about her fascinated him. Her life had been absolutely unfair and terrible, but she still had so much light in her. She had refused to let it be snuffed out by circumstance.

There was also the fact that he thought about her constantly and was uncontrollably drawn to her. This need to be near her was a riddle he didn't want to solve, but he knew he should.

Eventually.

It didn't take long for the girl to find a nice shaded spot. Kylo instantly felt the cool relief of the falling temperature. The scavenger proceeded to lay on her back, her arms and legs stretched out, her gaze concentrated on the beautiful blue sky. Ren felt out of place as he stood there awkwardly, looking at the tired young woman.

"If you lay down in the shaded sand, it helps cool off your skin," she offered him the advice. After a moment of glancing around, he settled on sitting in a close proximity to her relaxing body. He felt the coolness of the sand seep through his pants and cool off his legs, but he refused to lie completely down. 

As he sat there, he stole glances of her, the silence choking him as he tried to find something to say, but couldn't.

She turned her head to look straight at him, her face unreadable. "Why haven't you tried killing me?"

"This is a dream. I can't actually hurt you here," he stated as his eyes started roaming over the dunes, catching sight of a bird flying in the distance.

"I thought you would've tried, regardless."

He actually did try when he pursued her after finding her snooping upon his memory... but he wasn't going to tell her that.

"I'm surprised you haven't tried to kill _me_ by now," he shot back, peering at her from behind drying strands of hair. "After all, I'm nothing more than a monster. And yet, you lay there on the ground, open to an attack from a stranger."

That shocked her into silence. Slowly, she sat up and faced him, never taking her eyes off his form.

He almost smiled that he was able to smack some paranoia into her, but he fought back the urge.

Neither of them spoke for a long period of time. He didn't feel like conversing with the girl anymore. Instead, he felt content on waiting for himself to wake up from this bizarre illusion. As he watched the wind catch the sand from atop the dunes, a ping in his gut told him that he was being watched. He turned toward the only human being it could be and saw her observing him with a questioning stare.

"Do you know who I am?" she asked.

 _What kind of question is that,_ he thought as he squinted at her in confusion.

"You're a scavenger... from Jakku."

"That's not what I mean." Her eyes darted in all different directions while she tried to collect her thoughts. He wondered where this line of questioning was going. "On Starkiller Base, when I called the lightsaber to me, the way you looked at me… it was like you knew me. And then you said, _it is you_." Kylo could've sworn his heart just plummeted into his boots. Seeing how none of this was technically real, it very well could have. "Please," her feminine voice begged, eyes filled with desperation. "I need to know where I come from and who I am."

Kylo saw her hands digging into the sand.

"I–" he stammered, knowing his statement would hurt the girl, but he refused to tell her of his plaguing dream. "I don't know where you come from, or who you really are."

"Liar!" He flinched from her sudden outburst. He'd been fully expecting her to be despondent, not angry. "You wouldn't have said something like that if you had no idea who I really I was!" She was becoming flustered as she yelled, and Kylo didn't like being yelled at. His frustration started to build. "I can't believe I'm even asking you. I should have known you'd lie to me. You must get some sort of pleasure out of watching me suffer." Her knees came up to rest against her chest. "Murder and lies must come naturally to a person like you."

His lethal glare tore into her, but he could see she refused to back down. If any other person in this whole entire galaxy had talked to him like she just had, they would be dead.

The fury he felt was welcomed like a long, lost friend. Anger was the emotion he'd always been more comfortable in, not that foolish concern he felt for her a minute ago. But the compassion was still deep down within him, and that was the only entity holding him back from lunging at her.

"I do not lie. And don't presume to know who I am." She opened her mouth to challenge him, but he cut her off. "I really don't know where you come from, who your family is, or why you were left here."

She shook her head, refusing to let it go. "You know something, and I want to know what it is."

"It won't help you in your quest of finding answers."

She shot to her feet, throwing her arms out in exasperation. "You're impossible! I've been alone all my life, dreaming of the day my family would come back for me, until I finally had to accept that they never would. And now you hold the answers I seek and refuse to give them to me? I was abandoned here, and I want to know why!" She wiped away the tears that were forming in her eyes. "You know, I did things to survive that I'm not proud of. I had to teach myself how to fight off thieves and perverted men that tried to take advantage of me. Unkar even tried to sell me off to one of them, but I made him realize that _that_ was never going to happen." Giving up on holding back the tears, she let them run down her rage filled face.

Carefully, Kylo rose, taking his time so he didn't startle her. He was mesmerized by her all encompassing passion, unable to look away from her animated face. His annoyance had vanished as she talked about her life, and he made a mental note to find this Unkar person.

_That piece of shit doesn't deserve to be alive._

"I know you look at me and see a weak desert rat, but I'm not weak, and I'm not powerless. Not anymore." Slowly, he came to her, and to his relief, she didn't move away. "My life has taught me just how strong I can be. I've never had anyone to lean on, but myself. I lived fifteen years on this awful planet, and not one person had ever cared about me until I met Finn."

Kylo became irritated at hearing the traitor's new name, but decided to listen to her ramblings rather than interrupt.

A laugh abruptly left her lips. "And do you want to hear the most pathetic thing out of all this? The person who probably understands me the most is you." Her statement floored him as she pointed right at his chest. "Not Finn. _You_. When you were in my head, looking for that stupid map, you saw moments in my life I've never shared with anyone. You tore through my most private dreams and hopes for your own amusement. You brought that pain of rejection that I had buried back to the surface."

She stalked forward, closing the small space between them, scowling at his sun-burnt face. His eyes stayed on her as she came close, allowing him to count the soft brown freckles on the bridge of her nose.

She angled her head upward so she could look him boldly in the eyes. "I hate you. I hate you for how little and scared you made me feel. I hate you for killing Han and for trying to kill Finn. And I hate that even after everything you've done to me, after everything you've done to the galaxy," she paused and inhaled sharply, "I don't think I can bring myself to kill you. Not now. Not ever."

He didn't make any attempts at moving away from her intense gaze. He saw how defenseless the girl was and knew he could lash out at her before she could protect herself, but he didn't. Not because he knew no real harm could befall her here, but because of what he was feeling for her in that moment. There was no anger or rage conducting his actions. Instead he felt empathy for the woman in front of him, an undeniable urge to comfort her from the pain he had caused.

 _This isn't me_ , he thought weakly to himself. _I don't feel guilt_.

But he was. He felt remorse, and he was powerless to stop it.

He noticed her face slowly relax under his calm stare. His chest tightened as he watched her eyes roaming over his face, making him feel self-conscious. He thought of his abnormally large ears, hoping his hair was covering them from sight. He couldn't recall the last time he actually cared about his looks, but he found himself concerned over them now.

Hesitantly, he brought his hand up to her cheek as she slightly flinched away from him. The moment paused, his hand mere inches from her skin. She looked at him questioningly, but didn't walk away. His face contorted into concentration as he closed the gap between his hand and her flesh, electricity shooting up his arm and into his stammering heart, warming his body from the inside out. His thumb caressed her soft skin as he let out a shuddered breath.

She was just as soft as he imagined.

Eyes wide, she stood there, immobilized, letting him continue. Extending his fingers into her silky brown hair, he cupped her cheek into his calloused palm. He watched as she closed her eyes, leaning into his touch, knowing he'd just crossed the line into addiction.

He wanted more of her, but stopped himself.

"There's no possible way you could hate me more than I hate myself," he told her. He felt her shudder against his hand, her lids snapping open. There was something about that gaze of hers he'll never find in another living being, as if in that moment their souls had made a bridge, forming a connection. Her emotions emanated across the thread, telling him that she needed more of the connection, or that he did. Though, he figured they both needed it.

Her eyes were so different now, more soft and vulnerable than he ever thought eyes could be. All semblances of her armor now gone, what remained was a girl who no longer wanted to be alone. If it had been any other person looking at him in such a way, he would've dropped his gaze. But he didn't. He moved closer, her body now flush with his, wanting more. Always wanting more.

"Is this real?" she asked gently.

He nodded, taking in every line of her face to his memory, her beauty the medicine his ailing soul had always needed. In all the universe, he knew there would never be another like this girl.

She rested her hand on top of his, stroking her thumb over his knuckles. The fact that she was willingly touching him in an affectionate manner made his knees weak.

"You–"

Kylo's eyes snapped open, his hand extending toward the railing of the bunk above. Gazing at his opened hand, he could still feel the warmth that had been against it a second ago. He brought it closer to his face, lightly rubbing his fingers against his palm _._

He was back on the ship.

He sat up on the edge of the bed, his boots resting on the metal floor. The room was dimly lit as he took in his surroundings.

When he had arrived on Jakku and landed near Niima Outpost, it had been the dead of night. As tempting as it had been to go looking for someone with answers, he had to stick with his original plan of staying inconspicuous. He would have to wait till morning, patience not being a particular strength of his. He had used his free time by looking through the many compartments and crevices of the ship, but soon found himself extremely bored. So he made the decision to get in some much needed sleep before resuming his mission.

Now there he sat, accepting the fact that he had just shared a dream with the girl he was hunting.

_What have I done?_

His mind raced with the realization of what transpired between him and the scavenger. He bolted off the bed, running his hands roughly through his hair.

 _Why did I go after her mother? I shouldn't have taken that so personally. It didn't even happen to me._

Panic was taking hold of him. He had told the girl something that he didn't like to acknowledge, not even on a really bad day.

He had told her that he hated himself.

And then he reveled in the the connection he'd felt with her, believing that it was something pure and reciprocated.

_What's happening?_

The memory of touching her was going to haunt him. Her warm, soft skin against his rough hand had felt so right, so natural. It was like he'd touched her that way a thousands time before. And then her body had fit so perfectly against him….

"Stop thinking about her!" He propelled his fist against the hard wall, tearing open his skin from the many blows, letting out a strangled scream. His head slammed into the barrier, trying to get the picture of her out of his mind.

The conflict within was on the verge of ruining him.

He sunk to his knees, cradling his head in his hands as blood dripped onto the floor. The pain throbbed, but he did nothing to alleviate it.

"She's an enemy of the First Order. The Supreme Leader gave me the personal mission of killing her. And by doing so, I will regain his trust. I will have more power. The galaxy needs the First Order to establish stability from the chaos that plagues it." And on and on he repeated the words, a mantra that he found himself not believing in its entirety.

As he sat on the cold floor, he was able to steady his breathing and calm himself. He needed to find this girl as quickly as possible before this inner conflict became a problem. But as he thought about ending her life, he could only see her face soften under his touch, feel the trust she so blatantly bestowed upon him.

_She touched me back. Willingly._

There was no fooling himself. The girl was already a problem. She was bringing out the softer side of him he thought he killed off years ago. 

_Ben Solo. That stupid, naïve child._

He didn't know how to stop having compassion for her, even if it was minuscule. He tried remembering how he felt when he caught her looking in on his personal memory, but his indignation refused to return.

A deep breath escaped his lungs as he cocked his head back and looked at the ceiling.

"Shit."


	7. In Need Of A Connection

Rey opened her eyes to see the deep, blue sky above. She lay there, perfectly still from the shock of what just took place. She didn't even know where to start processing the dream she just had. Or was it a nightmare? Both?

Her breathing became shallow as she realized what she'd done right before waking. Trembling, her hand came up to brush along her cheek and jawline. 

_He touched me. I let him_.

The feel of his rough hand had calmed her, had made her feel safe. She should've walked away from him, should've done things differently, but she couldn't. In that short moment, he'd been a different person, one she had been drawn to as sure as gravity could bring down a shooting star.

And his eyes...

In his eyes she'd seen his humanity. All the other times she'd been around him, it had been cloaked, disappearing when he wore those dark tunics to become the man others expected him to be. But she saw it in his eyes only a moment ago, in the shade of the dune, while waiting for him to lash out at her – his soul blazing behind his gaze, like a fire giving just the right amount of warmth. It had almost died, the flames extinguished as he went under the gun of guilt, shame, and regret.

She needed to see that man again. Needed that connection. 

_Needed._

Rey shot up, crossing her legs as her stare bounced between the islands that jutted forth from their place amongst the sea. Kylo was not the only thing on her mind. Being back on Jakku, even if it had been an illusion, had brought up memories.

She thought of the data chips she'd found while scavenging through the salvage yards on Jakku. She uploaded them onto the computer she'd built, most of the parts coming from a Y-wing Starfighter, the operation system allowing her to get lost in a hero's adventures. It was always a special day when she could escape her reality and pretend she was someone else.

There was also the time where she had learned about how a man and woman could come to care for one another. The holo-novels she had found were described as being romantic in summary, and Rey would sometimes dream of having that same companionship, like the couples had in their stories. She would sit atop her metal home and daydream of a man coming to Jakku to rescue her from her meaningless life.

But her hopes had quickly become jaded.

Dreams were for naïve children. Rey didn't have the luxury of remaining a child. She had to grow up and rely on herself. Survive. She hadn't thought back on those senseless stories for a long time.

Until now.

A man had stood before her and gazed at her so tenderly, that she almost felt like that young girl again _._

 _A man_ , she thought to herself. _The wrong man._

Guilt threatened to drown her in its unseeing depths. She shouldn't think of that beast in any other way except as an enemy. If she didn't, she wasn't sure if she could kill him.

And then she realized she had told him she couldn't.

Rey interlaced her fingers into her hair, gazing at the grass beneath her, disbelief spreading across her face. 

_Why? Why was I so honest with him? Why did I tell him he knew me better than anyone else? What was wrong with me?!_

She had let her anger loose and projected it right at him, not thinking of the consequences. And he'd just stood there, patiently letting her. She had a hunch that patience was not a virtue he possessed, but with her in that moment, he somehow had.

 _"There is no possible way you could hate me more than I hate myself,"_ he had said.

Rey's mind raced with possible explanations over his last statement to her, but was suddenly interrupted by a penetrating pain in her right hand that shot up her arm. She clutched the limb against her body as an onslaught of agony kept pounding against it. Her mouth opened to let out a scream, but her lungs constricted, not allowing her to breathe. Something hard hit her head and she fell onto the ground in a fetal position.

 _An attack_ , Rey thought in a daze. As she tried to focus on fighting back, the pain disappeared as if it never happened.

She gasped for air and sprang to her feet, whirling around to identify the attacker.

She was alone.

Rey examined her knuckles, expecting the skin to be gone. There wasn't even a mark. Her head had felt like someone had rammed it against a wall, but now the throbbing had vanished.

_Am I going crazy?_

None of this was making sense to her. Right when she thought she'd figured out her life, some unforeseen power changed the rules.

A shiver ran up her body as a winding gust of wind whirled around her, strands of her hair twisting with the movement, her eyelids closing as she took in a deep breath.

Then, a whisper: "Rey."

Rey spun around, startled, trying to find who it belonged to.

"Who's there?"

No reply.

_Could the breeze be playing tricks on me?_

"Rey." The voice was louder now, a girl, almost familiar.

Rey rushed up the closest hill, allowing her a wider view of the island. No one was there.

 _Maybe if I can sense her, I can find her…_

Her eyes closed and she calmed her breathing. She envisioned the island, all the rocks and hills that she'd seen moments before. Slowly, she could feel its ambience as she centered herself in its energy, her mind gliding over the terrain, searching.

She only felt Chewie.

Rey lowered her head in disappointment.

Interesting she hadn't sensed Luke on the island. Could he somehow block other's from sensing him? She wondered where he was, and then–

_Oh no. What time is it?_

Rey sprinted down the hill, heading to where she last left Luke, hoping he wouldn't be aggravated with her.

As her boots crashed against the ground and the vibrations ran up her legs, she contemplated if she should tell Luke about her dream. Everything that happened between her and Kylo was extremely private and unexpected. She couldn't deny that she was drawn to that man, but she didn't want Luke to look at her with disappointment over how she'd acted.

There was also the complication of Kylo being Luke's nephew and the tumultuous past they shared.

Kylo's statement returned to her mind. _If he truly regrets what he's done, is there a chance he could be saved? Should I tell Luke of this possibility?_

The thing was, Rey wasn't even sure Luke wanted to save his nephew. When she woke from her nightmare on the Falcon, he made it seem like Kylo was a lost cause. Part of her had believed that as well. But after the dream she just had, her resolve was faltering. And fast.

The man that touched her cheek had to have been Ben Solo, and he was buried beneath the contentious animal of Kylo Ren.

She could see Luke on the boulder in the distance, his head turning toward her as he waved for her to come to him. She needed to make a decision quickly, but her mind kept jumping back and forth between her two choices. She slowed down to a walk, trying to take her time so she could think.

Luke stepped down from his meditation rock and went to her, his face furrowed with confusion. "Are you alright?" he asked as they closed the gap between them.

"Yes. Why?" Rey was exceedingly nervous. She was sure her master could feel her unease.

"I can't feel your presence. It's like... you're hidden from me." Rey blinked, bewildered. The Jedi Master's stare bore into her, searching for the answer on her face. The intensity of his eyes started to make her uncomfortable.

"I don't think I'm doing anything," Rey said. "I don't even know how to hide myself in that way. I... I was actually thinking about asking you to teach me how to do that while I was walking back here." He was listening to her words, but his eyes seemed far away, as if he were looking beyond her small frame.

"I can't read you, even though you're right in front of me. I've never had a student learn this without being taught first." He paused and slid his hand through his beard. "Except Ben." Rey's heart skipped a beat from hearing that name, but her outside appearance didn't show her sudden alarm.

"Is there a reason you're hiding your feelings from me?" he asked. "Did something happen while you were meditating?" His eyebrow lifted with the question as he looked at her sternly. This was the moment Rey had to make a choice of either to tell the truth, or lie. Both would have consequences, but she was willing to face the outcome.

The answer came out of her mouth before she could stop it.

"No. I really don't know how I'm doing it. And nothing happened while I was meditating, except feeling connected to the island." She tried to put as much innocence into her response as she possibly could. Luke nodded. She couldn't tell if he was buying into her story or not. There hadn't been many opportunities to sharpen her dexterity in deceit while living on Jakku. Thankfully, he didn't press her any further on the subject. After all, she was a novice when it came to knowing the ways of the Force, and Luke knew she wouldn't be able to answer his more advanced questions.

"I guess I shouldn't be completely surprised," he commented. "You seem to pick things up very quickly, even if the skill is advanced." She agreed, but sensed that Luke was going to ponder on this matter some more. He didn't seem like the type of person who would believe in coincidences or luck. To him, everything must have a purpose to the larger game at play.

Her nerves dissipated as they walked back to the huts. She listened to him as he described how they would train with the lightsaber's that afternoon. Well, she would train with a heavy wooden staff first, and then graduate to a lightsaber. It was irksome since she'd already fought with a saber and had beat her opponent, who'd been twice her size.

This train of thought brought Kylo Ren back to the forefront of her mind.

"Rey?"

She glanced at the man beside her.

"Yes?" She'd completely tuned out the Jedi Master, not realizing he'd been speaking to her.

"The wooden staves are in the hut at the very bottom. Grab them for us and meet me in the clearing to the west."

"Yes, Master Skywalker." She left Luke at his own personal shelter and continued to walk down the steps. 

_Pay attention, Rey. If you keep acting flustered, he'll know something isn't right_ , she inwardly scolded herself.

She had made the choice to keep the truth from Luke. There had to be a reason she was sharing dreams with Kylo and hearing voices in the wind. She just wasn't ready to tell him about those experiences until she could give him answers.

It was as simple as that.

Except... that was a lie. Between the crevice of her denial and self-assurance sat the main reason she wanted to tell no one about her dreams: she craved to be with the man who caressed her cheek. Something about him just felt so right to her, so... _good_.

The foreboding feeling of guilt pried its way into her emotions, trying to punish her for yearning for that monster. She shut it out. That reaction wouldn't help her with the route her plans were taking. She couldn't reject having seen the light he still had inside him. There had to be some sliver of a conscience still left in that man, hidden beneath the layers of his sins.

And Rey was becoming more and more hell bent on finding it.

Her eyes adjusted to the inside of the brick hut as she grabbed the wooden rods. She'd been looking forward to this part of the training ever since she made the decision to pursue the path of the Jedi. But now, she found herself anxious to sleep.

She would search for Ben Solo in her dreams tonight, but to do that, she would first have to confront Kylo Ren.

()()()()()

The sun peeked over the horizon, painting the desert landscape in shades of red and white. Kylo stepped down the platform of his ship and squinted in the direction of Niima Outpost. He needed to find the person who reported seeing the BB unit a couple weeks ago. No one at the Finalizer's comms station new the man's name, so Kylo decided to start with finding whoever ran the backwater outpost.

He pulled the hood of his dark, brown cloak over his head as he passed between two metal columns. There were remnants of red metal debris scattered throughout the sand, indicating a battle of some sort. Numerous workstation tents were staked into the region, mainly cluttered straight ahead in the middle of the sandy vicinity. Big, gaping holes were carved into some areas of the outpost's uneven ground, evidence that the the First Order had been there recently. But still, the desert dwellers had put their work tents back up, ignoring the damage so they could get back to their meaningless lives.

The sun's rays were already beginning to warm Kylo's clothes, but the lightweight and breathability of the beige material prevented him from becoming too hot. He had requested pants and long sleeve tunics so the sun wouldn't touch his skin. It didn't matter what star system he was in; the many different gaseous stars had never been kind to his naturally pale complexion.

And showing too much skin was a vulnerability to those with prying eyes.

Kylo made his way to the biggest tent in the outpost, located in the middle of the working village. If anyone actually ran the remote outpost, it would be from the shelter that had the best view over the marketplace. He glanced at the sad excuses of people that were already working under the other tents, the torn canvases and cloth held aloft with rusted poles. Some looked to be scrubbing pieces of metallic junk, others seemed to be building or fixing big chunks of electrical hardware.

Kylo wasn't exactly sure what these repulsive creatures did here, and he really didn't care.

Once inside the wide shelter, he noticed fragments of scrap metal and engines strewed across the dusty vicinity. Placed in the center was a part of an old cargo crawler, with a window and countertop for trading goods. The only entity Kylo could sense was a creature behind the metal walls ahead. He headed straight for the open slot in the wall.

The opening was abnormally high, but Ren had no problem peering into the foul smelling hovel. He looked around the dark inside, not seeing anyone, only noticing the security monitor that showed him standing at the window. He knew from the flashing red light on the dashboard below that it was recording. He waved his hand and switched the recorder off.

The metal wiring in the window prevented him from leaning over the counter, so he delved into the creature's sleeping mind. He violently nudged the humanoid awake, hearing him yell from underneath the metal worktop. The alien jump up, staring at Kylo with annoyance.

 _A Kyuzo. Interesting_. These barbarians were known to run among many different criminal enterprises throughout the galaxy and tended to be well trained with blaster rifles. Some people would find their pink skin, scrunched up faces, and large yellow eyes intimidating, but Kylo didn't fall under that category.

"What do you want?" the Kyuzo yapped, placing his hands on the counter, not far from Kylo's reach.

Kylo's tone was even as he eyed the grotesque creature from beneath his cloak's hood. "Who runs this outpost?"

"Who's askin'?"

Kylo clenched his jaw in frustration while seriously considering other, more torturous methods to getting the answers he sought.

"You don't look like you're from around here," the Kyuzo pointed out, eyeing him suspiciously.

Kylo's right hand shot forward, grabbing the cretin's wrist as his hood fell back to reveal his scarred face. He pulled him closer, reached under the wires, and viciously grasped onto the creature's head. A sickening thud resonated throughout the tent as Ren smashed the alien's temple against the tarnished metal counter.

It hadn't been his intention to go into the fiend's mind, but sometimes, Kylo couldn't control himself when he became irate.

He searched through only the most recent memories until he came upon a name that made him pause. "Unkar Plutt," he whispered to the open air. Instantly, he registered the name to the humanoid who tried to sell the scavenger into slavery. He dug for an image of Plutt so he could confirm his appearance. As he pushed further into the Kyuzo's memories, he could hear the thing begging for mercy from the piercing pain. The pleas fell on deaf ears.

Kylo's search halted upon a memory. A big, sickening creature stood inside the metal shack, the Crolute trading with the scavengers that worked the area. Kylo ignored their dealings. He recognized the Crolute, riddled with rolls of fat.

Unkar Plutt. The one who took the girl as a child.

He ran the outpost.

Kylo was about to withdraw from the Kyuzo's mind, but hesitated when he heard the strong voice of a young girl.

_Her._

His focus was propelled to the sound as he saw the young scavenger. Her face and body were at the beginning stages of puberty, but her eyes had aged years beyond her youth.

Kylo could feel the Kyuzo's psyche start to fracture under his intense probing. He kept going. It wouldn't be the first time he'd broken a person's mind, nor the last. It wasn't his fault they were all so weak minded. And there was no way in hell he would let an opportunity like this pass him by.

He searched and searched, feeling the creature shaking under his hold. Finally he saw it – an AT-AT that resided to the east of Niima Outpost, near the Graveyard of Ships. The Kyuzo's mind confirmed that was the home of the scavenger.

Kylo removed his presence from the thug's unstable mind, bringing his face closer to the wired divide, demanding to know the location of his boss.

"I don't know," the Kyuzo said through labored breathing. Kylo let go of the cretin's wrist and grasped onto the other side of its head. He wrenched the creature's torso through the opening under the wires and raised it so the Kyuzo could look straight at Kylo's monstrous face. Snot and tears streamed down the Kyuzo's face, his horror more than tangible through the Force.

Kylo took in the fear, relishing it, becoming intoxicated by it. The thug tried to push himself away, but he was too weak and overpowered to gain any ground.

"You're lying," Kylo breathed the comment across the prisoner's face, slamming it straight down onto the counter. The skin broke open on the Kyuzo's flat nose, blood splattering on the hard surface, mixing in with the rust.

Kylo lifted the head back up to his. "Where's Unkar Plutt? And you should consider what will happen if you lie to me again."

The creature gurgled every time he tried to breath, his eyes teetering on becoming unfocused, but he was lucid enough to give an answer. "He's off world, getting a new arm... and negotiating a trade deal. He won't be back... till tomorrow."

_Tomorrow!_

Kylo snarled and plunged into the Kyuzo's mind as he compressed the creature's head between his hands. He poured all of his rage, disappointment, and brutality into the weak psyche until he felt something pop under the pressure. The alien started to violently seize and foam at the mouth as Kylo released his hold on him. The creature's body slid across the flat metal surface, falling to the floor, thrashing uncontrollably.

Kylo had shattered the thug's mind, but he wasn't dead.

 _Well, as long as he wakes up, he won't die_.

And if he did wake, he would never have the same mental capabilities again.

Kylo hoped the Kyuzo would only be mentally defected. That way, Plutt could see what happened to one of his men. Death was not uncommon around this forsaken place, but what Kylo just did to the creature would scare and confuse those who knew the Kyuzo. People don't just suddenly become insane without cause.

_Plutt can see for himself what awaits him.  
_

Kylo exited the tent, not bothering to pull his hood back over his head. Hiding himself seemed to be the last thing on his mind.

Something warm and liquid slid down his right fingers. He brought his hand up to view, seeing he had reopened the wound on his knuckles. At the moment, there was nothing he could do to stop the bleeding. For such a small injury, he didn't want to waste the energy of healing it. He lowered his arm and let the blood drip and boil on the hot sand.

He sensed numerous pairs of eyes following him and felt their palpable fear, but he kept walking brusquely back to his ship. No doubt a few of them had witnessed or heard some of what he'd done to the Kyuzo. They had been wise not to interfere.

Once inside the ship, Kylo wrapped his hand in a bandage before going to the launch controls. He was anxious to visit the scavenger's home, to see how she lived. He justified this side adventure by telling himself he had nothing to do till Plutt returned to the planet.

Alone, he reviewed the recent events. He knew he didn't personally have anything against the Crolute, but he couldn't stop thinking about how he tried to sell the scavenger off as a slave. His thoughts wondered to the memory of him finding those women and children chained up to that cave wall….

 _No_ , he reprimanded himself. _Those memories belonged to the naïve boy you destroyed. He's gone. His past doesn't matter to your future_.

As he contemplated his last statement, he knew it was not completely true. That momentous day in the cave had pushed him to leave Skywalker and find the First Order, but he still didn't like to acknowledge what had happened.

He buried that memory whenever it threatened to resurface from the depths of his past life. But every time he did, he forgot how shallow the grave actually was.

()()()()()

Kylo ambled over to the hatch on the under belly of the AT-AT and swung it open. It was dark and musty inside, but he had sensed that it was empty the moment he saw it from the ship's viewport. He had to hunch over to make his way through the short tunnel that opened to the inside, his eyes taking in the dimly lit living space as he stood to his full height. He'd never been inside an All Terrain Armored Transport before, but he had studied pictures and diagrams of their inner mechanisms and weaponry.

The inside was smaller than he thought it would be, but still large enough to fit him comfortably.

His head turned to the right, examining the hammock and shelving that held the numerous metal canisters and pans. He strolled up to the metal shelving, picking up what seemed to be a makeshift doll. It was dressed in an orange material with a beige vest stitched across the chest. Moving to the left, doll still in hand, he saw the helmet of a rebel pilot on the ground next to a stove.

 _She would idolize the Rebellion_ , he scoffed inwardly.

However, Kylo knew that wasn't the only reason the girl had made the doll and kept the helmet. Both things represented pilots, and pilots could go anywhere in the galaxy. They had the freedom she desired, but was too afraid to obtain.

He remembered being in her mind and learning that her refusal to leave the desert planet stemmed from the belief that her family would return for her. But he could sense the denial behind her thoughts. Deep down, she'd always known the truth.

Her family was gone.

He gazed past her small table and raised his eyes to the wall at the back of the room. He was mindful to raise his legs over the steel columns, watching his step as he came upon the blemished wall. The farther he ventured inside the AT-AT, the cooler the air became. Kylo recalled that a certain metal alloy had been used in the makeup of the AT-AT's, so drastic changes in temperature would not affect those inside.

_Smart of her to make her home here._

His eyes roamed over the thousands of tick marks as his fingers stroked the rough, steel wall. She had made them. One for every day she was there. Kylo was astounded by the sheer number of the scratches. That she kept doing it for what seemed like years.

 _What a torturous existence, waiting for someone to come liberate you from a living nightmare_.

Pity was not an emotion he liked to feel. Especially since it was for the girl he was hunting.

A distinct humming noise came from outside, catching his attention. It was an engine, but not one that belonged to a ship. It was distant at first, but was quickly coming closer. A speeder.

He stood still, waiting to hear if it would glide past or stop at the sunken AT-AT. He knew the Pilgrims Road wasn't far from here, but it still struck him as odd that an individual was taking a more unpredictable course.

The speeder was closer now, coming in his direction. He felt his lightsaber sticking into his back where it was held with his belt. His hand pushed under his cloak and grasped the saber hilt as his body pressed up against the front entrance wall. His broad frame was working against him as he tried to conceal himself behind a steel column.

The speeder's engine idled outside for a few seconds before being turned off. He detected an edge of concern from the individual who was now walking to the entrance. 

_Not a very common emotion out here_ , he thought curiously.

"Rey?" A gravelly, feminine voice called into the AT-AT. Steps echoed off the hard walls as a female Aqualish strode into the living area. The alien had four small round eyes, three-fingered hands, and pink tusks covering her mouth. Most Aqualish's had smooth green skin, but this one had fur lining her face and covering her hands. By the tone of her voice and the wrinkles on her flesh, Kylo could tell she was of an older age.

He peered at the Aqualish who was now scanning the room, failing to perceive his presence. She started to come towards the back, right in his direction, and he knew it was a matter of seconds before she found him. He took a step away from the wall to let himself be seen. The Aqualish jumped in fright, letting out a stream of curses in her own native language.

Her eyes swept over Kylo's appearance, trying to stand tall as to match his dominating stature.

Kylo unclasped his hand from the saber, letting his arms hang at his sides. He didn't sense any immediate threats from the Aqualish, and he noticed she still hadn't gone for the blaster strapped to her leg. He decided to follow her cues on whether or not the confrontation would end violently.

"No one who is from here has pale skin like yours. Who are you?" she asked.

"I'm not anyone important." He didn't feel like lying about who he was, and he was definitely not going to tell her the truth of his identity. Hopefully the answer he gave would be enough to the quell her curiosity.

"You seem to carry yourself like you are," she countered back, but Kylo kept quiet, trying to control his irritation.

"Where's Rey?" Her four eyes were filled with suspicion. At least, that's what it looked like to Kylo. He didn't deal with a lot of four-eyed creatures.

"I don't know," he answered coolly.

"Why are you here?"

"I'm looking for her." His face revealed no emotion as he spoke, and the Aqualish became more and more visibly frustrated. "Why did you come here?" he asked. The creature continued to stare at him in silence. Kylo wondered if he would have to break into yet another persons mind today. He was slightly disappointed when she answered him.

"I was at Niima Outpost, heard what happened there a week ago. Rey was somehow involved." Her four eyes wondered over the inside of the metal hovel as she revealed to him the reasons for seeking out the scavenger. "I heard she stole the Blobfish's Corellian Freighter." A light laugh leaked out of the Aqualish's mouth and she smiled at the thought of Plutt being cheated out of one of his most prized ships.

Kylo knew the specific Corellian Freighter she was speaking of. A set of unwelcome emotions climbed up inside of him. He focused on staying in the present as he asked the Aqualish more questions about the girl. "You were friends with her?"

She chuckled at his question. "You don't really have friends out here, but I did look out for her from time to time. I taught her some of the basics of scavengin' and hired her for work. She quickly became so good at her job, she didn't need me anymore. She's Unkar Plutt's best scavenger."

"And yet, he still tried to sell her off to someone." Kylo didn't hide his disgust over his statement.

The Aqualish seemed to visibly relax from seeing how repulsed he was over his assertion. It was a feeling they mutually shared over the abhorrent situation Rey had faced when she was younger.

"I know what incident you're speakin' of." The Aqualish scooted over to a beam running across the floor and sat down to relax her tired muscles. "Rey was about thirteen and by human standards, turnin' into a young women. The Blobfish knew he could get a lot of money out of sellin' such a ripe, young girl to the right buyer. And he found one too. But when Unkar's thugs came to take her, she beat 'em near to death with her quarter staff." The Aqualish's tone held admiration for the girl. Her hands rested on her knees while she leaned toward Kylo, piercing her eyes into his. "She then brought Unkar a few blaster cannons to trade so the deal would be severed with the man who wanted her. She even told him there would be more weapons in store for him, but he would never be able to find 'em if she were to be shipped off planet. Unkar cut off the deal and let the girl be. Even warned the other scavengers not to go near her, since she was now his most valuable worker. None of 'em needed the warnin' though. All of 'em were afraid of Rey after seein' what she did to his thugs."

Kylo couldn't help but respect the girl for her strength and perseverance. She solved her own problem without anyone's help, all the while training herself to be an expert with a quarterstaff. She knew that in order to be left alone, she needed others to view her as a threat. Those qualities demanded acclaim. Kylo was willing to give her that, at least.

The Aqualish was obviously very fond of the girl by how she spoke and smiled. He realized that even though the scavenger was left on this planet, all alone, she still had the closest thing to a friend than he ever had. None of the kids wanted to be around him once he started showing his strength in the Force at a young age. They all found out that he had the affinity of the Force, and were afraid and confused that he wasn't off training with his uncle to be a Jedi.

He had found ways to get payback without the other kids knowing it. He always had a particular gift at being mischievous and hiding in the shadows. Even at the academy, the other students kept their distance, whispering among themselves of how awkward and unstable he was. They thought he couldn't hear them, but he could always feel their emotions and perceive their thoughts. Even thinking about his Knights being friends almost made him laugh out in the open. They all had their own agendas, only recognizing him as their master because the Supreme Leader told them to.

Kylo knew they held a lot of animosity toward him for being placed at the head of the Knights of Ren.

But here was this girl, left on a harsh planet with dangerous people, and she still found someone who treated her with kindness. He'd dreamed about being on the receiving end of such generosity, but was never shown it from his peers. They had judged and sentenced him to a cynical life without a second thought. So he learned to embrace their fear and use it to become more powerful.

Now, inflicting terror into his victims was an addiction he did not wish to cure.

Kylo was brought out of his reverie as the Aqualish stood and brushed off the desert rags covering her body. "I should be goin', and so should you. A sandstorm is headed this way. Could be a big one." She stepped over the beam and headed to the exit. She grasped onto the rail lining and paused to look back at him. "When you find Rey, tell her that Mashra hopes she finds where she belongs. That girl always did look to the stars too much." Her last statement floated in the air as she left the AT-AT.

Kylo remained still for a few moments after he heard Mashra leave on her speeder. He was digesting everything she had said, his emotions jumbling from comparing his childhood to the girl's upbringing on the desert planet. Slowly, his eyes glanced over the scavenger's minuscule belongings, noticing he was still clutching the rebel doll in his hand. The noise of the sand scratching against the outside of the AT-AT filled the metal box as he made his way over to a bundle of dead flowers situated in a clear cup on the table.

He touched one of the withered petals and watched it fall onto the metal table, now dead and alone.


	8. Curiosity

Luke was proving to be a very sly and intense opponent as both him and Rey dueled with the wooden staves. They both agreed to go straight into the fighting aspect of it all to see what skills she had acquired throughout her youth. It only took a few seconds for Rey to realize that Luke had no intention of holding back.

Bruises were already blossoming on her arms, legs, and torso from the blunt blows. To make it stop, all she had to do was land one hit, but she couldn't even do that. Luke's movements were so fluid and quick, that predicting his next decision was proving to be immensely difficult.

His age had made her underestimate him.

Rey went in to strike his shoulder, but he parried her thrust, pivoted, and struck her across the back. She fell onto one knee, grunting out in pain, twisting her face in anger.

"You must control your anger. You're becoming reckless and not efficiently thinking through your attacks." Luke circled Rey while keeping the staff pointed downward. He wore his traditional Jedi robes, but took off his cloak to move around more freely. "Focus on centering yourself in the Force. Let it guide you through the duel. The Force can help you anticipate your opponent's next move."

With her arm guards, she wiped away the sweat covering her brow, wondering how long they'd been fighting. It had to have been at least a few hours. The tremors in her arms had started to make gripping the wood more difficult.

 _Actual lightsabers are not even this heavy,_ she thought sharply.

"That should be enough for today," Luke declared, his breathing not even labored. "I was able to get a good feel for your fighting style." Rey slowly got to her feet, her body screaming at her to lie down for at least a week. But she needed to push beyond her limits if she was to become stronger.

"Lets make our way over to the huts," Luke suggested. "We can have some dried fish to hold us over till dinner. And I can teach you of the seven main forms of lightsaber combat. You already implement a few of them into your fighting quite well, actually."

Rey rubbed her back as she walked beside Luke, grimacing as her fingers massaged an incoming welt. "I couldn't even get one hit on you. I can't be implementing much of anything into the way I fight."

Luke smiled at her softly. "The Force helps a lot with being able to expect your adversary's moves. You also need to remember I've been practicing for decades. Don't be too hard on yourself." But Rey had always been critical of her capabilities. She'd fought hard to be the best scavenger on Jakku and to earn the reputation of being an arduous warrior. She had felt safer knowing her abilities were revered and feared.

Now, she felt small and unprepared.

She desperately needed to become more than capable of fighting with a lightsaber. Her life depended on it. Even if she had hope that Kylo Ren could turn back from the darkness, she wasn't about to lie down and let herself get lazy. Giving up was not her style.

Once Rey was able to eat some protein and sit down for a bit, she started to feel her strength return. Her arms started to make a comeback since she could now lift them without wincing.

After filling their bellies, the master and apprentice lounged on the grassy hill outside the hut, reveling in the clear, sunny day.

"So," Luke chewed and swallowed the last bit of fish, "lets go over the duel." Rey sat up, turning toward Master Skywalker. His fingers ran through his beard as he continued with the assessment. "As I said before, there are seven main forms of lightsaber combat. Eventually you'll want to master all of them, but usually, you gravitate towards the forms that fit you the best. I'm pretty sure I can tell which you prefer to fight with." Rey was hanging on Luke's every word. She needed to know in what ways she could improve herself as a fighter.

A soft breeze tousled the grass as it pushed passed them.

"You seem to fight more predominantly with forms three and five. Form three is mainly defensive, where you keep the saber close to your body. You implemented that one very well. You showed patience in waiting for me to give you an opening, and you did parry my attacks quickly." The bruises on Rey's body felt like they were contradicting that last statement. She didn't think she'd been doing much defending during their duel.

"Form five is based on manipulating an opponents attack and using their strength against them. In the process, the opponent exudes too much of their energy while you've been preserving yours. This gives you the chance to strike back and defeat them." A sense of excitement seemed to overtake Luke's demeanor and he smiled at her. "I think this is the perfect form for you. You already fight with it extremely well, and it fits into your stature."

Rey looked at the Jedi Master in confusion. "My stature?" 

"Yes." Luke looked down at the ground and grinned sheepishly. "Every single Jedi has had to learn how to work with their own weaknesses. So, I don't want you to take what I say next the wrong way, but how lean you are can work against you." He paused, considering his words so his student would understand. "Throughout our duel, I noticed you'd try and implement another style. Form seven, which focuses on pure attack and no defense. It's all about ferocity and overwhelming your opponent to where they have no time to react. Trying to fight this way could have disastrous consequences for you. Especially if you end up fighting Kylo Ren again." 

Thinking back to her fight with Kylo in the snow, Rey knew she defeated him by unleashing her ferocity while going on the offensive. She put all her anger and desperation into pushing him to defend himself, and it had taken him by surprise. She had savored fighting that way, of overpowering her opponent and watching him fear her. But just as fast as her enjoyment came, it left after she heard a sinister voice whisper in her mind to kill her unarmed enemy. She shied away from the thought, realizing how much hate had threatened to consume her.

"Form seven is mainly used by dark side users, isn't it?" she asked.

Luke nodded grimly, and explained how his nephew always wanted to implement the technique when training. Rey had witnessed first hand how good he was with attacking aggressively.

"Jedi have been known to use the form. However, it's rarely used because of the effect on the one using it. It can lead to the Dark side if you're not careful."

Rey recalled when the fight turned in her favor. She had teetered on the edge of the Dark side; felt how addicting it could be. Even now, she couldn't deny that she craved that power again so she could strike down her enemies. She knew that the Dark side had given her a false sense of security and safety when she was thinking about killing Kylo.

"If there is one thing I know that hasn't changed with my nephew, it's that he still holds himself to a rigorous training program. He's very well conditioned, Rey. And he's almost twice your size. Being aggressive with him could get you killed if you two ever come face to face again. You must manipulate him into tiring himself out. You have to resist using your anger and hate on him."

"I understand, Master." Rey gazed past Luke at the beautiful green trees swaying in the wind. She couldn't help being afraid at the prospect of meeting Kylo in battle again. Dreams were not reality, so she did not fear them. But if Kylo happened to be standing in front of her at this very moment, she would more than likely panic, forgetting all about the hope she felt for the man.

_I need to learn more. Fast._

"Do not let fear consume you, Rey." Even though Luke couldn't feel her emotions, the fear and uncertainty was evident on Rey' face. "I'll be with you every step of the way. I won't set you up to fail. You have a natural gift with the Force that not many have had before." Rey glanced down at her hands resting on her knees. She wasn't used to compliments and reflexively shied away from them, but it did help her feel a little better.

"When we're training, I want you to push me hard. I need to learn as much as possible, as quickly as possible." Rey lifted her head and stared hard at Master Skywalker, conveying the seriousness of her statement by hardening her gaze. "Whatever training schedule you've made for me, make it more difficult. I want it to be almost impossible to accomplish."

Luke studied her intently and agreed to her demands. "Well, I was going to have you run the island stairs a few times before dinner."

"I'll make it five."

This was going to kill her legs, but Rey believed it to be necessary. Her joints cracked and her muscles strained as she stood up too fast, but she accepted that she was probably going to feel that way for a while.

"My nephew may be physically stronger than you, but you'll be more than capable of keeping up with him in a fight." Luke pivoted, nodding at her to begin as he went in the direction of his home. Rey ran over to the steps, but paused as Luke called out to her to tell Chewie to eat with them later. She acknowledged the request before taking her first few steps down the island's many stairs.

 _I can do this. I can do this_.

()()()()()

"Okay. You're doing great, Finn. Almost there." Dr. Kalonia stood at the end of parallel bars as Finn picked up his right leg to take a step. He gripped the metal rods as if they were a lifeline, intensely focusing on the doctor ahead. Poe's presence was close behind, ready to catch him if he fell – which was a lot. His upper body was already trembling with having to hold all of his weight for so long, but he refused to give up.

If he had his wish, he would make use of the parallel bars every second he was awake. But Dr. Kalonia advised him to rest for at least five hours a day.

They settled on two.

Finn strained to breathe through his teeth, willing himself to make it just a few more feet.

 _Keep going. Do not give up._

Once at the end, he collapsed as Poe caught him underneath the arms. One of the nurses brought over his hover chair and Poe helped him get situated, the whole thing making him feel weak and embarrassed.

Finn focused on controlling his rapidly beating heart as he wiped the sweat from his face. All this rehabilitation felt equivalent to hiking up the highest peek on Oosalon instead of trying to do something as basic as walking. Mood souring as it usually did, Finn wondered if he would even be able to run again. Just because he was progressing with walking, didn't mean he would gain back all functionality in his legs.

"Man, you're recovering so well!" Poe exclaimed. "Each day you get stronger and go farther. You'll be walking in not time. Guaranteed."

Poe's excitement was usually contagious, but not this time.

Finn didn't want to be going through any of this, didn't want to feel like a child taking his first steps.

He wanted to be walking. Right now. He wanted to be out there in the galaxy, fighting the First Order. Instead, he was trapped by the limitations of his own injured body. Every waking minute of every day, he was reminded of that horrific fight on Starkiller Base. Sleep didn't even offer much of an escape. That fight visited his dreams every night and in it, he saw the face of Kylo Ren, mocking him.

Dr. Kalonia handed him a glass of water, complimenting him on his amazing progress. "If you could just take off your shirt for a moment, I'd like to check your spinal implant." His hands and arms went on autopilot, because this was the protocol every time he rested after therapy. "If you could bend over slightly – perfect." Cold fingers brushed against the skin around the implant, causing him to shiver. The metal covering his spine ran from the base of his neck, all the way down to his tailbone, the thin alloy only sticking out of his skin by a few centimeters. It was mostly undetectable, the flexibility of the implant making it so it didn't obstruct his movements.

It was more noticeable at night when he was trying to sleep. But if it made the possibility of walking a reality, he'd gladly take a small amount of discomfort.

As he waited for Kalonia to finish, his mind was drawn back to when he first woke up after blacking out on Starkiller. He remembered languidly opening his eyes to the bright lights of the ceiling, feeling disoriented and panicked. He called out for Rey, thinking she was dead, thinking he needed to find her. Luckily Poe was there to keep him from immersing into a full on panic attack. His friend explained to him how Rey had defeated Kylo Ren and how Starkiller base was destroyed. Poe didn't try to hide his satisfaction in knowing Kylo Ren was officially dead, and Finn was openly relieved about it as well. But something in the back of his awareness kept scratching at him. It was the tiniest thought that Kylo somehow miraculously survived.

He figured the guy had a lot in common with a cockroach, but Finn kept shooting down those thoughts as being ridiculous.

When Dr. Kalonia came in, he was told about the implant and how detrimental it was to reestablishing a nerve connection. The lightsaber burned through the nerves just right of his spine. If it had directly hit his spinal column, he would've died instantly. After the initial shock of his prognosis was explained, plans were already starting to take shape in his mind. Not one to stay still for long, he vowed to do whatever it took to get his legs back so he could be a soldier for the Resistance.

"Okay. You can put your shirt back on." Dr. Kalonia grabbed Finn's chart and started to write down her observations while Finn covered his torso. "Everything looks in tip top shape. Your skin is healing nicely around the implant, and you're making great progress in such a short amount of time. Come back in the evening and we'll pick up where we've left off."

Poe clapped his friend's shoulders from behind, smiling at the doctor. "Okay, pal. I say it's time for some lunch. You need to keep your strength up, and I'm starving." Poe started to walk to the automated door, but stopped once he realized Finn hadn't moved.

"I want to go again." Finn kept his gaze straight ahead as he watched Poe slowly turn around.

Finn looked up at Poe, all the excitement from the moment before now gone from his friends face.

"No." Poe's voice was stern as he crossed his arms. Dr. Kalonia stayed off to the side, watching the two men interact patiently.

Finn switched on the operating controls, attempting to turn the chair around, but Poe grabbed onto the armrests to stop him. "Finn, you've been at this for four hours straight. You need to eat. If you keep going on like this, you could injure yourself more. Dr. Kalonia has explained this to you a dozen times already." Finn glared at Poe defiantly, not appreciating being talked to like an infant, but the pilot didn't back down.

And neither did he.

"I'm going again." Finn shoved Poe's hands away and tried to go towards the bars. Poe grasped onto his shoulder and something inside Finn snapped from being held back from his goal. He pushed against Poe's chest out of frustration, sending him toppling into a tray. Medical instruments crashed to the ground as Poe's arms shot out to catch his fall. Everyone in the room froze, the shock of the situation grappling onto the pilot's face.

As he slowly stood up, Poe's eyes hardened upon his friend.

"Poe-"

"Don't," Poe snapped at Finn. He straightened his shirt and jacket while trying to resist the urge to let out his anger. Hair disheveled, he made no attempts at brushing it back. "You want to injure yourself, fine. But I'm not going to stay here and watch." Poe strolled out the door and disappeared.

Finn sat in the chair, regretting the situation that had just transpired. He watched Dr. Kalonia and a nurse clean up the mess he made, hating his inability to help them. He despised feeling sorry for himself. It made him feel weaker than he already was.

"I think I'm gonna go get some air." He barreled through the exit, guiding himself to the closest balcony for a view of the outdoors. The chill of the air hit his face as he hovered out onto the little terrace. Stopping at the edge, he took in the beauty of the snow-covered planet. Unlike Starkiller base, Carlac had unique and twisted trees, with pink blossoms covering the wiry branches, giving the terrain an exotic look he'd never seen before.

He still found it ironic that he went from working on one snow covered base to living on another.

Every time he saw the snow, his mind would always think about that penultimate fight from before. He'd been so afraid when he came upon that demon in the snow, but somehow, he felt stronger knowing Rey was standing beside him. That strength was quickly taken as Kylo Ren sent her flying into a tree, his heart plummeting in overwhelming dread.

He'd heard stories throughout the years of how unstable and murderous Kylo Ren was, and now he was witnessing it first hand.

In that moment, holding Rey's small head and trying to will her awake, he'd accepted his fear and ultimate death at the hands of that monster. But he couldn't bear the thought of Rey being killed by that red lightsaber. So, maybe, he could fight him off long enough for Rey to wake up, flee, and find the Falcon. Once Kylo branded him a traitor, Finn was able to focus his anger and stand against him, accepting his impending fate.

The fight seemed to last forever, but Finn knew it was probably only a couple minutes. He could tell Ren was holding back and toying with him, but Finn actually was thankful for it.

It gave Rey more time to get away from that murderous man.

Finn touched his right shoulder, the scar of the lightsaber burn still hurting whenever he moved his arm. It probably always would. The wound went deep into the flesh and bone, and no matter how many bacta treatments, it didn't heal all the way. The pain had been excruciating and the smell of his own burnt skin had made bile climb up his throat, threatening to come out as he screamed in agony. He'd landed one hit on that bastard before finally being bested and blacking out. Ever since he woke a few days later, he'd been living in his own personal hell.

He couldn't walk, no one would tell him anything, and Rey was gone.

Finn rested his head in his hands as he thought about her. He missed Rey so much that thinking about her made him more depressed, if that was even possible. They'd been through so much together, a friendship forming out of their shared hardships. Now, she was light-years away, training to be a Jedi. He was proud of her for choosing such a noble life, but he just wished he could go down that path with her. He desperately needed to talk with her again, but since the base relocation to Carlac, the comms station was having problems setting everything up.

And to add more to the list, he'd hurt Poe by lashing out at him. He knew Poe didn't deserve to be treated that way. If it hadn't been for him, Finn would've gone insane by now. Poe was always with him when he did his physical therapy, and even moved Finn out of the medical facility to bunk with him. According to Poe, living in the med bay was not doing any favors for his mood, which was accurate. At least he felt a little more independent living away from the doctors and nurses. But he still relied on Poe's help more than he preferred.

_Poe's been an amazing friend... and I screwed that up._

Finn knew he needed to apologize for his actions, but he didn't want to go to the mess hall where he would potentially be forced to make small talk with other people. So he decided to make his way back to their room, hoping Poe would be there.

No one stopped him as he went thought the halls, much to his satisfaction.

After the first day of being awake, he quickly grew tired of people calling him a hero for the role he played in blowing up Starkiller base and saving the Illenium System. None of them knew that the real reason he went on that mission was to get Rey out of there. Somehow, finding a way to obliterate Starkiller hadn't been at the top of his priority list. He just went along with Han's plans in the end.

_Han…_

He shut that thought down before it got any traction.

Finn slowed as he came upon the bedroom door. As he glided himself inside, he saw Poe sitting at the desk against the wall.

"I didn't think you'd come here so quickly." Poe's voice held no frustration or anger, only concern for his friend. "I thought you wanted to work the bars some more."

Finn shook his head as he looked down at his lap. "You're right. I shouldn't push myself too hard." He paused, neither of them saying anything to fill the awkward silence. Then: "Poe–"

"It's okay. I know." Finn lifted his head and saw a small smile play along Poe's lips. "Look, Finn. I can't begin to understand how you feel, but I do see how your situation has impacted you." Poe turned his whole chair around as Finn patiently listened to Poe voice his concerns. "I'm worried about you, man. You keep everything in and refuse to talk to someone about what you're going through. You refuse to talk about what happened on that base when I know for a fact it's bothering you. I hear you yell in your sleep... and I know you have nightmares about the bastard who put you in that chair." Poe took a deep breath to calm himself down, but he didn't stop talking. He wanted to get everything out in the open.

"I don't want you to be a slave to that fear you have against Kylo Ren." Finn opened his mouth to protest, but Poe cut him off. "I know that man has affected you not just physically, but mentally. Hell, I'm not gonna deny that the nutcase freaked me out too. I just… I don't want your circumstances to change you into a person I no longer recognize." Poe looked around the room, looking for the right words to end his ramblings. "I miss my friend." He let out a long sigh and looked straight at Finn. "That's it. That's all I got."

Finn didn't know what to say. He'd been letting his fear hurt him and drive him to be reckless – he could see that now. And he didn't realize how much of his demeanor had hurt Poe... that his friend knew about his nightmares. He honestly thought Rey was the only person he could talk to about his anxiety, but after Poe showed such concern for him, he knew he didn't need Rey to be there. He had another person waiting to help, and Finn decided he would let him.

"Have you eaten yet?" Finn asked. Poe shook his head. "Lets go down to the mess. I'm famished." Poe smiled as he jumped out of the chair and walked out of the room next to him. Poe squeezed Finn's shoulder as they rounded a hallway corner.

"You're gonna be fine, buddy. You'll walk on your own again, and I'm gonna help you get there."

()()()()()

"How are you feeling?" Luke asked Rey as he stirred the soup over the fire. Rey was resting on the dirt floor of Luke's hut, staring up at the clay ceiling, wondering if she was alive. Her clothes were completely saturated in sweat, but she didn't feel the need to change since they were just going to do some more training after dinner. Hell, she was pretty sure she smelled weird, but she just couldn't make herself care.

"Are my legs still attached to my body?" she asked him weakly.

Luke chuckled and glanced at her. "Yes, they still are. Can't feel them?"

"I can't decide if what I'm feeling is numbness, or immense pain. We'll see if I can even walk tomorrow." Rey had ran up and down the island stairs, just like Luke commanded her to do. When she was feeling weak, she pushed herself harder. When she wanted to stop, she ignored the pain and kept going. 

"The food's ready if you want to grab a bowl." Rey grunted as she stood and walked over to the stack of wooden dishes on the table. Chewie entered to join them. He asked Rey how her day had been so far as he sat down and accepted a filled dish from Luke.

"It's been challenging, but that's what I asked for. Need to be ready for whatever comes next." Taking a heaping bite of the meaty soup, she reveled in the exquisite taste, wiping the broth that dripped down her chin. Any food that wasn't rations from Jakku still shocked her taste buds, but in a good way. So far, everything she's tried had tasted phenomenal, and as long as she never had to eat those bland provisions ever again, she wouldn't complain.

Rey swallowed before asking, "What are the plans for tonight?"

"Moving objects with the Force."

Her eyes grew wide and she barely chewed her food as she swallowed in eagerness. The only time she ever moved anything without touching it, was when she called the lightsaber to her. She recalled how she just knew that if she reached out for it, the saber would fly into her hands.

"Aaaaagh ragh aagh raaagh ragh." _Communcations have been established with the new base, if you want to talk to anyone later._

"Mmmm." Rey put her hand up to her mouth, gulping down the food. "I would love to talk to Finn before going to bed." She turned toward the Jedi Master. "Were you wanting to talk to the Leia before I get on?" she inquired of Luke, but he seemed to not be listening to the conversation. "Master?" Luke's eyes snapped up at Rey.

"Oh. Yes. I can talk to my sister first." He went back to eating his food, seeming to be in a solemn mood. Rey decided to leave the matter alone, but Chewie wasn't going to let Luke wonder in his own thoughts.

 _What are you thinking about_ , the Wookie inquired.

"Just some past memories resurfacing. That's all."

Rey scarfed down the last of the food, placing her bowl in front of her crossed legs. She was curious as to what Luke had been thinking. Especially if it pertained to his nephew. Rey did want to know more about the kind of person Ben was, but she wasn't sure if it was rude to ask Luke more questions about him.

But she just had to know.

"Master. I was wondering... if you could tell me more about your nephew?"

Inquisitively, Luke glanced at her. The anticipation of his answer heightened Rey's heart beat.

"You want to know more about Ben?" Rey nodded, her eyes shifting over to Chewie. He was looking intently at his bowl. "What do you want to know?"

Rey fidgeted with her fingers, wondering if she really wanted to know _anything_. Before she thought too much about it, she posed the question.

"Why did your sister send Ben to train with you? What happened? Because the last thing he wanted to be was a Jedi."

Luke narrowed his eyes. Rey realized that she shouldn't know that Ben didn't want to be a Jedi. Was she caught?

"It's true," he hesitantly explained. "He never had the desire to follow the path of the Jedi. But after something happened, Leia felt it was necessary for Ben to come stay at my academy and learn how to control his strong propensity for the Force." Chewie placed his bowl on the floor, abruptly standing, leaving the hut in a hurry. Rey gawked at the empty doorway, guilt lurching her gut as she scolded herself for not thinking about how the subject might affect the Wookie.

She started to go to her feet, wanting to go after him to apologize.

"He'll be fine," Luke told her. "He just needs to be alone for a bit."

Rey relaxed back down to where she'd been sitting, knowing she'll need to talk to Chewie later.

"Ben did something horrible, didn't he?" Rey's attention returned back to her master as she questioned him. "Horrible enough to scare his own mother?"

Luke nodded gravely. "Yes, he did. But he didn't know how to control his anger at such a young age. He was only thirteen when Leia enrolled him at a training facility that taught teenagers and young adults Teras Kasi, a form of unarmed combat. Leia thought it would be good for him to focus his anger into some type of discipline." Night had descended on the island, the only source of light coming from the fire that was slowly dwindling in the corner. Rey watched as the glow danced across her master's face, illuminating his sad features. "One day, the kids were taking turns pairing up and dueling each other under the supervision of the instructor. During a short break, the teacher left the students alone to tend to something."

Luke hesitated, rubbing at his neck before continuing.

"You have to understand something about Ben. He's always had this effortless ability to control the Force. And because he was so in tuned with his ability, he was also unable to block out feeling other's emotions. This either made him be a very compassionate person, or very enraged. Leia would tell me how the other kids thought Ben to be a freak, that no one wanted to be his friend once he started exhibiting his abilities. But, for the most part, Ben had a way of acting like it didn't bother him. He still went to his classes at school. Even seemed excited that Leia enrolled him at the training center. He never cowered from the criticism of his peers. But, as you can imagine, anyone would eventually snap under such circumstances. And Ben did."

Elbows on her knees, head resting atop her knuckles, Rey became entranced by the story. She was finally getting a glimpse into Kylo Ren's younger life, the life he had as Ben Solo. 

"I only know about what happened from what Ben had told Leia, who in turn conveyed it to me. Ben never talked about it to me and I never asked. Anyway, I guess the kids that were Ben's age started to antagonize him. He tried brushing them off, but one boy was relentless. He started to get physical with Ben by shoving him and eventually punching him so hard it broke Ben's nose." Rey's eyes widened, now getting a sense for where the story was going.

Luke kept his voice calm, like he was disassociating himself from the disturbing tale. "He couldn't control his anger or the need for vengeance. So while Ben was still on the ground, the boy rose into the air, gasping for breath before his head violently snapped to the side. He fell to the ground, not moving." Rey sat there in complete shock. She realized she'd stopped breathing as she took in a sharp inhale, her shoulders involuntarily shaking back and forth as her body trembled.

Luke wasn't even looking at her anymore, but watching his shadow flicker against the stone wall.

"Are you saying–." Rey stumbled over her words. "You're telling me he killed a boy at the age of thirteen?"

Luke locked eyes with her. "No. The boy miraculously lived, but never regained full function of his body. His neck never took well to the spinal treatments they administered." Rey instantly thought of Finn. "As you can imagine, the child's parents wanted Ben punished and imprisoned. But Leia somehow made a deal that if she paid for their son's medical bills and sent Ben off with me, then they wouldn't seek civil justice. They agreed, and now here we are."

"But he never wanted to be a Jedi?" Rey pressed.

Luke grabbed their bowls and strolled over to the basin filled with water at the far side of the hut.

"Not in the beginning, no." He started to scrub the bowls clean as he talked over his shoulder. "But he later felt like he didn't have any other options since he was naturally so gifted with the Force."

"What did he want to do with his life if he didn't want to become a Jedi?" Luke's arms froze for just a moment, looking at the wall in front of him as he thought about her question.

"I'm not exactly sure. Ben loved learning and he seemed to dabble in all sorts of subjects. Battle theory, mathematics, engineering, and before he left for the academy, he was studying chemistry and human physiology. He was a very smart young boy."

Jealousy tore at her.

Rey would've given anything to have had a proper education. All the data chips and books she'd found on Jakku never satiated her thirst for knowledge. She always wanted to learn more. And there was Ben, who had that opportunity to go to a school and then train under the most famous Jedi in the entire galaxy.

He had the life she always wanted, and he just threw it all away.

Luke placed the bowls and spoons by the dying fire before sitting down in front of her, making her come out of her train of thoughts. "Why all the questions about Ben?" he asked.

Rey shrugged, not wanting to go into all her reasons for being so inquisitive.

"It's just hard to fathom someone falling so hard into the Dark side. I guess I just want to understand why he did."

"The only person who knows the whole truth is Ben. I only know bits and pieces."

Rey nodded in understanding as her master looked at her compassionately, but there was also something else in his gaze. It was like he could see her true intentions for being so curious, but that couldn't be right. There was no way he'd now the truth.

"Now, enough talking about the past. Lets see how capable you are with moving objects."


	9. Exceptions Can Be Made

Legs hanging off the sides of the hammock, feet resting on the floor, Kylo woke to the sound of sand blasting against the exterior of the metal walls. At first he was perplexed by the noise, but once he registered where he was, he knew what had happened.

He bolted upright, swinging his leg over the hammock only to have his boot get caught on the connecting rope at the end. His body lurched and he fell to the ground before scrambling to regain his balance. Once in control, he ducked into the short tunnel that led outside.

Sand.

Sand was everywhere, thick clouds of it providing no visibility to the outside desert planet. Wind blasted into his face, stinging his eyes from the grit it so violently carried. Skin burning, he turned away from the exit, rubbing the sand from his features. Cautiously, he pivoted back around to face the gale storm, squinting his eyes to get a view of his ship.

He couldn't even see a faint outline.

The sand kept searing his skin and eyes as he stood there, weighing his options. He could cover his face and try to find the ship out in the middle of the tempest, but the likely hood of getting lost along the way was very high. Even if he could find the ship, he wouldn't be able to fly through these conditions.

The answer was the obvious one: he would have to stay where he was, inside the girl's home.

But first he had to close the hatch. Too much sand was starting to get inside as the winds were becoming increasingly aggressive.

Removing his cloak, Kylo began to wrap it around his face and neck, a thinly veiled piece of armor that was going to have to suffice. Wanting to spare his eyes, he would have to find and close the hatch while blind. Once completely covered, he shifted over to the right side of the exit and took a deep breath before plunging into the impertinent squall.

So many sensations hit him at once that he was shocked into immobility. The wind exploded in his ears, almost popping his eardrums as the force of the storm plastered the cloak to his face, threatening to suffocate him. His hands held onto the metal exterior as he quickly realized they were exposed to the elements. The deep, searing pain rapidly became severe, but he pushed himself to find the hatch, straining against natures power to pull the barrier closed.

He collapsed upon the ground, panting from over exertion. Unwrapping the cloak from his face, he gulped in large amounts of precious oxygen, his dizziness from the lack of air flow subsiding.

Kylo sat there in the dark for what seemed like hours, incensed over his own failure to not heed Mashra's warning.

He was in no hurry to go back into the main hull, for the situation would become all too real, and he might not be able to control himself from destroying all of the girl's possessions. The constant vibration coming from the walls was the only companion he had. But his back started to ache, rear going numb. Finally, he ignited his saber and made himself get up to walk deeper inside the AT-AT.

The inside was painted in the wanton color of his saber as he made his way to the shelves in front of the tunnel. He activated one of the light orbs and let it float to the middle of the room. Its glow was dim, but better than staying in complete darkness. Hopefully it would last the duration of his stay.

Kylo licked his lips, noticing how dry his mouth had become. All his provisions were on the ship. If he didn't find some water soon, he would be forced to trek out into the sand storm.

A small tug pulled at the center of his chest, willing him to follow it to the far left wall. When he arrived, he knelt down and inspected four rusted screws, holding a small square section of a panel closed. He waved his hand, watching as the screws and metal enclosure fell to the ground. The widening of his eyes was proof to what he felt: shock.

Inside the wall were dozens of ration packets and large metal caskets. His hands immediately shot out to one of the barrels, recognizing the familiar sloshing sound of water as he pulled it close to him.

The top flew across the room and he dipped his hands inside, cupping the water up to his parched mouth. There was a hint of a chemical taste to it, but he didn't care. He could now wait out the storm with all these supplies, the idea of trying to find the ship becoming a thing of the past.

Once his stomach became hard and full, he sat back onto his heels, panting for air.

_Now what to do._

The sheer boredom of being stuck in there for half a day quickly became overwhelming. He went through his usual calisthenics, having to modify certain aspects of it to fit within the confining space. After a few hours of intense exercise and stripping down to nothing but his pants and boots, he tried meditation – something he'd never been particularly good at since he struggled with centering himself.

So that didn't last long.

Giving up, he found himself involuntarily counting the tick marks on the wall, losing count somewhere after six hundred and fifty.

One of the more entertaining parts of the confinement was going through the scavenger's things. He was particularly interested in the rebel helmet and the name written on the outside.

Captain Dosmit Raeh of the Tierfon Yellow Aces.

He found it to be an unlikely coincidence that the captain's surname was the scavenger's name. Even though she spelled it differently, they sounded exactly the same. _Maybe Rey isn't her real name…_

But he'd seen it in her mind, and she believed the name to be hers. He decided to shelf that particular mystery for the time being as he made his way over to the workbench in the corner

She didn't have many personal belongings, but she had a ton of technical hardware. Kylo sat down, straddling the bench as he studied the slim screen display on top of a big, metal box. Wires came out of the sides and snaked their way along the ground, disappearing behind the wall next to him. A flight controller joystick sat off to the side, also connected to the box by intricate wiring. As he eyed the anatomy of the hardware ahead of him, he realized what he was looking at: a roughly put together computer.

_The girl made her own computer? Why would a scavenger need a computer?_

Earlier, when he had glanced over at this corner, he had passed the computer off as being a pile of junk.

Finding the power switch, he flicked it on, the screen lighting up to show the last thing Kylo expected to see: a flight simulation. There was a picture of an asteroid field with the words "START" flashing in the middle, with various holograms of switches and flight controls surrounding him. Ren looked around in awe, feeling impressed with the young scavenger. Her flight simulation was legit, not an amateurish attempt to just pass time.

This kind of equipment was used for people who wanted to become military grade pilots.

He stretched his arms, cracking his knuckles in anticipation. The idea of being able to play the same simulation as the girl excited Ren more than he cared to admit. He couldn't resist grasping onto the joystick, allowing the mockup flight to start.

Almost immediately, his ship came under fire as he realized he was piloting an A-wing.

_Of course._

A Tie fighter was closing in on him, so he made the gut decision to drop close to the surface of the nearest asteroid. The high mountain ranges cast long shadows over the rocky terrain as he flew past numerous dark caves. His sensors were being interrupted from the heavy metal ores all around the ship, but he at least momentarily lost the Tie among all the sharp turns and stony hills.

His mind raced to come up with a plan, but was interrupted by canon fire coming from behind. He griped the flight stick harder, feeling his grasp threatening to slip as his adrenaline spiked, making his hands sweat. Large chunks of rock dislodged from the blasts, causing him to weave in and out to avoid impact. A cave came into view, and he waited till the last second to fire his thrusters to the max and dive inside, hoping the Tie would overshoot the entrance.

It did.

However, entering a cave was not the smartest move. The cavern could end at any moment or be too small to maneuver through, but Ren kept flying inside. He knew the Tie was still trying to follow him; he just had a bigger lead this time.

If the sensors were having trouble with the mountains, the cave was infinitely worse. They were completely useless, leaving him to solely rely upon what he could see and feel. But if he was having problems, so was the Tie fighter. Fortunately, he didn't need sensors to know that the cave was becoming narrower, and he could hear the echoes of the Tie's engines bounce off the rocky walls.

He knew he had to backtrack, and fast.

His next idea was absolutely insane, but he saw no other way around it. He eased off of the thrusters and dropped to the cave floor. The ship was as close to the ground as he could get it without crashing, and he could feel the vibrations through the joystick.

Now, he waited. He could hear the Tie closing in as his hand twitched in anticipation. Finally, the fighter flew out behind him as Kylo initiated his reverse thrusters. This action seemed to take the Tie completely by surprise since the enemy's internal targeting was entirely off.

The bottom of the Tie fighter grazed against the A-wing's cockpit, passing overhead and speeding out of control. The Tie didn't have enough space to stop and went crashing into the narrow cave walls, sparks flying as it exploded.

"Yes!" Kylo celebrated, his arms shooting into the air as he was overcome with victory.

"Who's there?" a startled voice said.

Kylo jumped from the bench so rapidly, he knocked the computer off its perch. As it came crashing down, he grabbed for his lightsaber, igniting it, facing the empty room in a battle stance. He didn't like being caught off guard, which seemed to be happening more and more as of late.

But no one was there.

Breathing heavily, his eyes roamed over every surface, glared at every crevice. The hair on his chest and arms stood upright as his body shuddered from the cool air whispering over his bare skin. The only noise inside the AT-AT was that of the outside storm, but he had heard that voice as clear as day.

It was her voice.

The scavenger.

Logically, it was impossible for her to be there. No sane person would travel during a storm like this, and the scavenger did not strike him as being outright reckless. Impulsive, yes. Irresponsible in the face of this typhoon?

Unlikely.

He disabled the saber, clipping it onto his trousers as he concluded that he was alone.

Not from him, but from the girl _._ Pacing up and down the cramped quarters, Kylo's discomfort continued to worsen. The only voice he's ever heard inside his mind had been Leader Snoke, and even then, it never came across that clearly. His master preferred to speak to him through feelings and emotions, only using speech when he wanted to be clear. Communicating this way was now rarely used since Kylo could now talk to his master through holograms or a comms channel.

 _But he never sounded like he was in the same room as me_ , Kylo thought. The girl's voice literally sounded like she was standing right next to him, talking directly into his ear. And when he heard her voice, he had felt fear. Her fear.

Kylo never put much thought into telepathy. He'd read stories, some myths of communicating this way, but it usually required a connection of a certain kind.

He stopped pacing.

Looked to the mangled computer on the floor as his heart hammered against his chest, his ears filling with the rush of blood.

"No," he breathed out.

The realization of what he was proposing as an explanation made him sit back on the bench before his knees buckled.

_A connection…_

_...through the Force_.

He'd learned about those long ago during his Jedi studies, finding that they usually manifested between a master and apprentice. With Snoke, the link they had was kept superficial on purpose. Kylo always knew Supreme Leader did not want to be tied to his apprentice, nor did he desire to share feelings and thoughts with him. So trying to compare that connection with the one he possibly shared with the girl was useless.

He started to list all the signs of a Force bond that he could remember. _Feeling each others emotions, having similar fighting styles, communicating across vast distances, drawing strength from one another_ …

His hands rested on his knees as his stare concentrated on the floor. A bond would explain the dream sharing and hearing her speak so clearly in his mind, but part of him was still denying it was possible. He would've known the moment something like that had formed between them.

Wouldn't he?

He glanced behind him at the computer. Long before joining the First Order, he would practice flying on many different flight simulators. What all the programs had in common was that they automatically saved all the simulations to the hard drive, allowing you to replay them later. At the very least, the hard drive should have saved the girls most recent flights.

Kylo rotated his body toward the scattered computer parts, swiftly working to put everything back together. He was able to open the metal case and poke around the inside to make sure nothing was damaged. All the wiring seemed to still be intact, which was what he had worried about the most. He could tell parts of the motherboard had been damaged at one point, but the scavenger had crimped and melded certain parts back on, even going as far as creating her own pieces to make the thing functional.

After inspecting the rest of the wiring, he closed the box and turned on the power supply. He opened the memory files and found what he was looking for near the top. It was the same simulation he'd flown, having been done a couple weeks ago. He scooted closer to the screen and promptly opened the video. The graphics came to life as he studied every detail of the flight. Gradually his spine straightened, eyes going wide, not wanting to blink in case he missed anything.

She was doing everything exactly the same as he had done.

The A-wing flew between the mountains, dove into a cave, waited at the cave floor, and initiated the reverse thrusters to startle the Tie. After the Tie exploded against the cavern wall, the sequence ended, the main menu appearing on screen.

Kylo's face was mere inches from the projection.

It was no coincidence him and the girl had performed almost the exact same way.

A long, shaky breath escaped his tight lips as he brushed his hair back. One other sign of a Force bond was making similar decisions to the point where neither one knew who was actually in control. But that characteristic should take years to develop. So how was he already showing signs of it after just meeting the girl a week ago?

Answer to that aside, this was going to put an immense obstacle in his plans. The only way to get rid of such a connection was death, and that was exactly what he had planned for her.

Problem was, he knew what would happen to person who was left alive on the other side of the bond. They were never the same as they spent the rest of their lives searching for that lost piece of their soul that had died with their partner. It eventually drove the person to insanity and, in some cases, to take their own life.

Kylo's body shivered.

The only thing that was saving him from panicking was that knowing with those extreme cases, the ones involved had allowed the bond to consume them and had let the connection strengthen till it was rooted deep within their souls.

He needed to find and kill that garbage collector before the bond overwhelmed him. It was unfortunate he couldn't use the bond to find her since he didn't want the tether between them to tighten.

He let his back slowly lower onto the oblong workbench, placing his hands behind his head to offer a cushion. The hazy light cast the deep shadows from the columns onto the ceiling, his eyes gliding between the contrast of hues.

Kylo couldn't believe this was happening at this point in his life. Maybe when he was a teenager, something like this wouldn't have been as dreadful. He'd wanted a connection with someone else, had wanted to be understood. Prayed for it desperately.

Now he was just bitter to finally have one.

 _Everything always has to happen at the most inopportune time_.

()()()()()

Legs crossed, Rey sat on the soft dirt, the slumbering surroundings softly illuminated by the dim rays of moonlight. It had to be close to midnight or even some time passed that. Luke had left a couple hours ago for bed, but Rey insisted on staying up and Force moving the different sized rocks placed out before her. It was evident her body was hitting the peak of exhaustion as her vision was becoming blurred and a headache was starting to pulse behind her eyes.

Rey darted to her feet as Chewie suddenly spoke from behind. "Raaaaaargh aaagh raagh. Aaaaagh raaargh."

Clutching at her chest, she willed her thundering heart to calm. "Yeah, I knew it was late, but I didn't know it was _that_ late. I'll come to bed, okay? No need to start a lecture." She warily made her way to him, watching as he turned away, motioning for her to climb onto his back.

"Oh no." She stopped and shook her head. "I don't want to weigh you down. Those stairs can be brutal." Chewie instantly countered her, saying how she'd only taken a few steps and was already wobbling. Her legs did feel like they would give out at any moment, and she was absolutely dreading walking down the island's decline.

That was another reason she'd stayed out so late – she'd been trying to push back the inevitable.

If she wasn't so exhausted, she would've kept refusing Chewie's offer. But after accepting how spent she was, she couldn't. "Okay. If you so graciously insist." Her elation of getting out of descending those steps was evident by the huge grin on her face. The Wookie bent down and grabbed Rey's legs as he stood to his full height.

Chewie made a big show of swaying back and forth, pretending he couldn't hold onto her.

Rey grasped the furry shoulders, laughing into the night. "I don't weight that much!" she declared, but not at all offended. She knew it was all in good fun.

Chewie chuckled and started to walk normally as they moved down the wide stairway. As the laughter floated away, Rey was reminded of what happened earlier at dinner. She knew she needed to say something, but didn't know how to start apologizing. Her head rested on his shoulder as she overlooked the glistening water, trying to draw on the strength she knew she had.

"I'm sorry, Chewie. About what happened earlier at dinner," she whispered. Chewie glanced at her from the corner of his eye, but didn't stop walking. He looked back ahead as she hoped he would say something in response.

After a few moments, he explained that he wasn't mad at her. It was just hard to listen to stories about Ben after what he had done. Chewie had always treated Ben as family while he'd been growing up, which was why it hurt every time he was reminded of the old and lost Ben Solo. But he didn't blame her for being curious about him.

Asking questions about him was fine; he was just caught off guard at dinner.

"I understand. I'll be more mindful in the future," she murmured as her and Chewie saw the soft glow of the Falcon below. Rey closed her eyes for the rest of the journey, dozing off, only to be woken from being placed on her bed. Chewie bade her good night and left her to rest. She nestled further into the blankets, rubbing her head against the pillow, arranging herself so she was comfortable. Breathing slowly, she was languidly being drawn back down into that place of relaxation and–

Her eyes popped open.

A sudden spike in adrenaline rammed her fully awake. She sat up, looking around her bare room, sensing her feelings were not her own.

Then, a voice. "Yes!"

She leaped off the bed in a flurry of blankets, untangling her thrashing limbs and swirling around, searching.

"Who's there?" she called out.

No answer.

Obviously, nobody was in the room with her. There were zero places for someone to hide in there. There wasn't even enough of a gap below the bed to accommodate a child.

But she'd heard the voice of a man so clearly.

 _It was_ him _._

Teetering, she plopped herself down onto the edge of the bed before she collapsed.

His voice had boomed with elation, an emotion she didn't know he was capable of showing. But the experience went beyond what ears could hear; she could feel his joy as if it were her own. Felt that he was close, like she could reach out and touch him.

 _I need sleep_.

She threw herself under her blankets, going through the same process as before. The decision to bypass getting clean before bed was probably going to bug her in the morning, but she didn't care in the moment. With her mind she turned off the lights, focusing on finding tranquility. But her thoughts were racing, making it take longer than necessary to slumber.

Rey needed to see him, to talk with him again.

She needed to know that he was worth trying to save, even if everyone else had given up on him.

To an extent, she didn't deny that part of herself thought this was a lost cause and a waste of time. The memory of him killing his father was still at the forefront of her daily thoughts. But ever since that dream, she'd been trying to dissect what she'd bared witness to: the pain she'd seen on Ben's face, the way he shifted back and forth in shock. And, she couldn't be sure since she wasn't directly nearby, but his cheeks seemed to gleam from shed tears.

That was a man who regretted his decisions.

Even if she wasn't fully committed to bringing Ben back to the light, she knew that no matter who he chose to be, she would never be able to kill him.

So really, him turning away from the darkness was the only option she had to save herself.

()()()()()

The warm wind stirred up the wispy sand as Rey shaded her eyes, peering across the wreckage of the Graveyard of Ships. To the west the sun was setting in a violet sea of light, casting its dying ambiance onto the mighty and barren desert. As she pivoted around to get her exact bearings, Kylo came into view off to her left, his statuesque face studying her.

He wasn't shocked to see her.

Neither was she.

He peeled his stare away, taking in his surroundings. A long exhale escaped from his lungs as he brought a hand up to comb through his hair. "I cannot escape this place," he muttered to himself.

Rey wasn't ecstatic about being back on Jakku, either.

His eyes found her again and they stared at each other, not knowing what to say. Abruptly, he turned on his heels and stalked away from her.

"Hey!" Rey yelled. "Where are you going?"

She ran after him as he turned around to face her, now walking backwards.

He lifted his arms out in exasperation. "I'm going to wait out this dream somewhere else. Preferably away from you." He turned back in the direction he'd been heading as she finally caught up with him and seized his upper arm, making him face her. His fury filled eyes were ablaze, but she refused to let go.

Trying to come up with something, anything to say, her mind went blank. How was she supposed to make him reveal his humanity? She inwardly scolded herself for not coming up with a starting point.

"What?" he demanded sharply through clasped teeth.

"I... want to talk," she implored, albeit a bit timidly. He slightly drew away from her, like she had a disease he didn't want to catch. Rey was pretty sure he thought she was a crazy person, but she didn't care. She needed to break the ice somehow, so she might as well be blunt with him. Besides, it wasn't like he was anywhere close to being sane.

People like him rarely were.

Kylo's eyes drifted to the firm grip on his upper right arm, the tension in his face melting away as he met her pleading expression. Slowly, and without leaving her gaze, he peeled her fingers from him gently, his calloused fingers rubbing against her skin as he held onto her for a moment longer than necessary.

She dropped her arm to the side as he let her go.

"I think you need a reminder that we are on opposite sides of a war. We have nothing to say to each other." His statement hung in the warm air as he returned to his quest of getting as far away from her as possible. Like she would give up that easily, though.

If she didn't have a stubborn mindset, she would have died on Jakku long ago.

Following him, Rey made sure to stay a few paces behind. Over time, his walk downgraded from brusque to being more leisurely, making it easier for her to follow. Her eyes never left his tall frame as she watched him study the numerous wrecked ships scattered before them. With the sun now gone, the moon shinned brightly, reflecting off the necropolis of metal, helping her to see every detail of his passive face. If it weren't for the brief glances in her direction, she would have believed he'd forgotten about her completely.

From the glimpses of his expression, he didn't seem to be annoyed with her – which was an improvement. But he would barely look at her at all. Instead, his stares were long and off into the distance, the way he would tinker with random pieces of equipment making it seem like he was lost in his own thoughts.

_If I could only get a glimpse of what he was thinking…_

Kylo kept walking and she kept following, like they were in a dance both had started to memorize.

With her frustration rising, Rey was about to burst as the reality of not achieving her goal started to grow more apparent. All she wanted was a peek of that man she'd seen at the end of their previously shared dream, and he was not going to show him to her. She felt like yelling at him again, but Rey was certain he would just find that amusing.

"You're not going to stop following me, are you?"

Her attention snapped to where he stood, finding his deep gaze to be almost intrusive. The urge to cover her body with her hands was overwhelming, but she remained still. It was like he could see right into her, knowing her intentions toward him without even questioning her. But she couldn't dwell on that now. Her second chance was staring her right in the face and she needed to take it.

"No. All I'm asking for is a few moments of your time, which I would say you have plenty of in this place."

"Unless I suddenly wake up. Or you do."

But Rey somehow knew that the time she needed would be given to her. Neither of them were waking up soon. She crossed her arms and tried to stand her ground against his bombarding stare. It made her tremble. The corner of his mouth twisted up slightly – probably out of amusement – as he mimicked her stance.

"Fine. You want us to talk. You can get the conversation started," he ordered.

 _Yeah. No pressure_ , she thought smugly.

Hands resting on her hips, she glanced up at the star painted sky, praying to miraculously think of the right question to ask. There were so many things she wanted to know and time was not infinite here.

"You didn't want to go to your uncle's academy when you were younger." This was more of a statement than an actual question. She waited for him to give her some sort of reply.

"No. I did not want to go, but I was forced to."

"Because of what happened with that boy your age?" His eyes scrutinized her as he gradually nodded. She was growing increasingly nervous from realizing she was actually going to have a conversation with this man. All they had ever done was fight, yell, or ignore one another. But here, right at this very instant, he was giving her his full attention.

Palms starting to sweat and skin beginning to prickle, she tried to hide her nerves from Kylo's very observant eyes.

"When you were younger, what did you want to be?" she asked. He looked at her like she'd just gone insane, which she didn't blame him. The question sounded weird as it came out of her mouth, but she had to try and make him think of his life as Ben Solo.

"Next question." He waved his hand off to the side like he was physically trying to swat away her query.

"You aren't even going to try to answer?"

"No," he immediately responded.

"You're horrible at conversing with people."

His brow arched and he pointed directly at her lean frame. "You're the one who wanted to talk. So you can either ask me something that doesn't sound absurd, or I can go back to ignoring you." The words were laced with impatience.

"Asking about your childhood isn't absurd."

"It is because it doesn't matter. It's a complete waste of time to dwell on the past."

She stared at him incredulously, amazed at how unimportant he seemed to find his past life. "No, it's not. You had a family who loved you. Your past will always be a part of you even if you try to bury it."

A deep, sinister scowl spread across his face and Rey thought he was going to lung at her. Instead, his balled up hands remained at his sides.

"You understand _nothing_." He stalked slowly towards her while his eyes burned into her soul, gluing her in place. "You know nothing of family. Yours dumped you on this Force forsaken place and left you to rot." She backed up, trying to keep a good distance, but her back hit the outer wall of a ship, denying her safety.

Her heart rate skyrocketed. "They would've came back for me, except–"

"Except what?" he challenged, getting closer to her. "Do you know what happened to them? Why they never came back for you?" Her lips pursed together. "No, you have no idea why your family threw you away. But I know why mine did."

Rey wiped at her eyes, not caring that she had let a few tears escape down her cheeks. "Yours never left you on a desert planet," she countered. "They kept you with them, because they cared about you."

"Cared about me?" He pointed to his chest. "Do you even know the last time I had seen or talked to my father before that day on Starkiller?" He paused, waiting for her to reply. Tears still stung her eyes as he talked so openly about the day he killed Han.

"DO YOU?!" His sudden outburst startled her, and she looked away from him. Back against the wall, she was stuck as he stalked forward. "I was fifteen years old. He thought I was a freak and tossed me aside like I was a disgrace. He never tried to contact me. Not. Once." His temper started to simmer, being replaced with a sound of despair. Rey looked up at him, eyes wide with shock. The man didn't seem to notice the moisture now streaming down his face, dripping off his narrow chin.

He paced as he ran his hands through his hair, his eyes darting frantically.

"And my mother..." Kylo chuckled, containing no traces of joy. "She let him walk away from me. But then again, her maternal instincts were lacking since the day I was born."

In her mind, she'd always pictured Han and Leia as being these perfect, attentive parents who doted on their son. It was that was she would've wanted for herself. But the more she learned, the more that picture was being torn apart.

Ren was a complete mess as he kept up with the walking routine. Pain seemed to lace his face, his Adams apple bobbing from trying to hold back what she assumed were sobs. Somehow, he seemed so small, like a little boy.

Maybe that's what he's always been.

"Why did you join the First Order?" she asked.

He stopped, angling his face away from her, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

"You wouldn't–"

"Don't tell me I wouldn't understand." Her back left the cool metal, ambling in his direction. She came into his line of sight, mustering all the courage she had to push him into talking more. "Help me understand. Tell me what happened. Forget that we fight on different sides and just talk to me. Please."

He took a hesitant step away, a deep frown forming across his pale face. "You would actually forget your allegiance to the Resistance... to listen to me?"

"Yes."

()()()()()

As the girl approached him, Ren took an involuntarily step back. The whole encounter was taking a strange turn. Not to mention the constant bombardment of her emotions on his being was something uncomfortably familiar. He could tell that the bond between them was growing stronger – it was becoming more difficult to block her out.

Oddly enough, their time together started off with her wanting to talk with him. When he shot down that idea, she'd settled on following him till he cracked from unbridled curiosity. He'd let his emotions break his controlled demeanor, and realized he had tears leaking out of his eyes.

He inwardly scolded himself for talking about his family. The dream was already affecting how he acted around her, for he never would have started to cry in front of this girl... this trash collector.

The girl's proposition had taken him aback. He found it hard to believe she would try to understand the necessity of the First Order in the galaxy, her small-minded morals getting in the way. "You would actually forget about your allegiance to the Resistance to listen to me?"

"Yes," she replied without hesitation. "I want to understand why you left everything to join them." Her voice was unwavering, her stare focused.

For the first time since they arrived in this delusional realm, Ren looked at her. _Really_ looked at her.

Her skin glowed under the soft, silvery waves of the moon, making her appear ethereal. Mystical. Her attire was her usual desert rags, but her whole visage deserved to be in something more regal.

That face, though.

The bone structure was a perfect combination of femininity and power. The small nose, round face, and plump lips all evenly vying for his attention, the only feature to actually grab it fully being her eyes.

Her emotions were not easily hidden behind that confident, yet innocent face. Years of pain were evident in the crease of her brow, in the down-curve of her mouth. But her eyes, her eyes showed him her soul. They held a deep pool of restless goals, and an ocean of endless grief. As he gazed into those eyes he knew, all the splendor that was threaded throughout the galaxy would never be able to compete with what she held:

Passion.

After living such a wasteful life, the emotion was no doubt new to her, but she wore it with no intention of ever snuffing it out. It turned her eyes into scorching orbs, allowing him to read clearly that this woman would fight to her very last breath to have the life she now desired. The galaxy would never break her. Sure, she would cry and yell and claw at whatever stood in her way, but her spirit would never be taken.

She clung to that power with passion.

Passion that made her beautiful. Desirable.

There was that static again, that crackling in the air that happened when one got too close to the other. At first, it made the small hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. But now, it was enough that he feared for his life. Like if they somehow touched again, the act would swallow him whole and kill him.

And he wanted it, wanted her, in the ways a man wanted a woman.

Heat swelled through out his body, coalescing to one area in particular.

He darted to his right and rounded the corner of the downed ship, needing to hide. Quickly, he dipped his hand below his black trousers and adjusted himself before she found him.

He'd always prided himself in not getting distracted by the appeal of a woman, but in this moment, he couldn't stop his attraction toward the scavenger. Even though he'd never been with a woman, he was still very much a man. Those feelings have always been there, but he's always been strong enough to resist such passions.

"Are you okay?" The sound of her soft footsteps came to his ears. He turned to face her approaching form. It tore at his rough exterior to hear her sound so genuinely concerned for him.

He dove right into the philosophy of the Order, trying to gain control of his faculties."The First Order is necessary in bringing peace and progression to the galaxy." The scavenger stopped, patiently listening to the enlightening lesson. "The chaos that arose after The Empire fell didn't disappear after the New Republic took control. They were more useless than helpful. Criminal enterprises were gaining more power, slaves were becoming more prevalent, and the galactic economy was crumbling from debt and inflation."

The girl's eyebrows scrunched together. "So you don't believe people should govern themselves?"

"No. All planets should be under the same rule, not have their individual leaders making up a Senate. The only thing a Senate can do is argue long enough till one of them eventually dies." The girl nodded thoughtfully as she rubbed her hands slowly together. "The galaxy needs one person making the decisions so progress can actually be attained, not stifled."

"Have you always believed this way? Even while growing up?" she asked. He was always hesitant about answering questions about his past, but this one didn't appear to be too invasive.

He'd already got caught up in his own anguish over his parents in front of her. So, really, how much worse could it get?

"I have, yes. I saw first hand the ineptitude of the Senate and how it allowed the galaxy's perversions to run rampant." He rolled up his sleeves to help himself cool down. Talking about the galaxy helped take his mind off the girl, but his body had not caught up with his brain.

Kylo was still hot and tingly from his previous weak thoughts.

"What did you see that made you turn away from the New Republic?"

So far, he'd been impressed that the girl had not started to argue with him, but was instead eagerly listening to his opinions. Never in his life had someone showed such fervor in understanding him. It felt… nice. The girl was easier to converse with than he thought she would be, and he found himself growing comfortable in her presence.

Nonetheless, he didn't want to answer the question she just posed, but he didn't want to lie either.

"I… don't wish to answer that." His voice was gentle as he glanced down at the sand around his boots.

"It was horrible? What you saw?"

He nodded

Reluctantly, he thought back to that tumultuous day in the caves. His lungs took in a strained breath, glancing to the young girl standing not far from him. He didn't like the way she stared at him with pity, like he was some kind of injured animal to coddle back to health.

Annoyance took hold as he wanted her compassionate stare to drift away with the temperate breeze.

"You really want to know what happened?" he inquired of her.

"Well… I..." she stuttered. "If it's too painful–" His dark glare stopped her from speaking further, the empathy disappearing slowly from her face.

 _It's just words_ , he reminded himself _. Maybe if she knows, she'll see how much the galaxy desperately needs to be fixed_.

His hands ran through his hair while he took in the stars scattered amongst the obscurity of space. To speak this story would be to talk about his old life as Ben Solo in great detail. But just this once, he felt it was important to make an exception.


	10. Where He Belonged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took some things from the book Bloodline when I wrote this a few years ago. I loved that book, and I'm pissed that TROS retconned Leia's background, making this book more in the Legends category... even though it came out after TFA. It was supposed to tie into the ST. Whatever. I guess consistency and continuity in Star Wars is truly dead and I just need to accept it. 
> 
> With that said, this whole chapter is Ben in the past and showing what happened to make him leave Luke. It's different than TLJ since I wrote it before that movie came out.

"Land on that loading dock," Luke ordered, pointing to the right of the viewport. "Last I remember, the mechanic shop was somewhere over there. They fixed the hyperdrive last time, so they should be able to do it again."

"Again, I am more than capable of repairing it myself," Ben argued, gliding the Ghtroc 720 freighter to the wide, duracrete landing pad. "I'm basically the reason this thing is still able to fly."

"I'd feel more comfortable with a trained eye working on the hyperdrive." Luke gathered up his robe from the co-pilot seat. Ben rolled his eyes as his uncle placed a hand on his shoulder. "Even you have your limits, Ben. Best you remember that."

Ben rounded his jaw. Annoyed.

Luke went to the main deck, gathering the wupiupi coins out of the safe behind a loose panel. The town they were stopping at – Shufriit – was one of the only places on the desolate desert planet of Er'kit that had a decent mechanic shop.

"Why don't you just purchase a new ship? I've been telling you to do that for years," Ben yelled out over his shoulder as he slowed and lowered the freighter gently onto the platform. While he went through the usual routine of shutting down the engines, his uncle came back into the cockpit.

"You know I hold too much sentiment towards her," Luke said, glancing at the controls affectionately. "Your dad gave me this ship as a gift."

"He gave it to you as a joke," Ben corrected, flipping the last of the switches before standing. "You could have bought a brand new ship with all the money you've wasted in keeping this thing alive."

It was a conversation they've had hundreds of times over the last decade, but Luke would never let go the attachment he had for the hunk of junk.

Luke sighed and shrugged. "You know I'll keep flying this thing until she decides to explode on me." A smile played across Luke's lips and Ben reciprocated the action.

"Oh, you'll fly? I've been piloting this ship for us since I was fifteen."

"And you're so good at it."

Ben rolled his eyes, following his uncle to the lowering ramp. As they were about to exit, Artoo rolled speedily toward them.

"You should stay here, Artoo," Ben instructed. Artoo gave a loud squeal of defiance, something the droid was particularly good at. "Yes, I know you're bored, but the town is too precarious to bring a droid along. Especially a high functioning one, such as yourself."

"He's right, Artoo. Best you stay put." The droid let out a low hum, making his disappointment known. "I'll bring you back some high grade oil. I promise." But the droid didn't cheer up. Instead, he rolled out of sight, back into the confines of the ship.

Ben turned and scowled at his uncle. "That droid is in serious need of an adventure. Even I'm growing bored of this search for Jedi temples."

It was midday on Er'kit, the sun not taking any prisoners. As they stepped out of the ship's shadow to make there way over to the mechanic, Ben lifted the hood of his cloak, attempting to keep the intense rays off of his pale complexion. His black Jedi robes were not the smartest choice of attire for the planet's atmosphere, but it wasn't like he was going to be outside for long.

He didn't plan to be, anyway.

_I hate desert planets._

"Ben," Luke addressed him as they reached the entrance to the shop. "You should go ahead and grab a bite to eat next door. I want to stay with the mechanic as he looks her over." Ben glanced inside the rundown garage and saw the short, slender frame of an Er'kit working on a speeder bike. The species was very off-putting to look at, with its light blue skin, lanky limbs, and yellow eyes.

"You don't trust these people, Uncle?" Ben slyly smiled as Luke scrutinized him with non-amusing eyes.

"I never trust strangers. Especially here."

Ben shrugged his shoulders in a non-caring way, taking one last look inside the garage. "Fine. You stay here and babysit while I cool off inside the café."

Just as he walked passed, Luke gave him one last bit of instruction.

"No causing trouble, Ben. I mean it." Ben shifted back to see his uncle eyeing him like a parent would eye their mischievous child.

"I never cause trouble." Luke cocked an eyebrow. Ben shrugged. "Okay, sometimes I do, but it's never a big deal." He spread his arms out, trying to look innocent as a playful grin showed on his lips.

"You call pick-pocketing a security officer not a big deal?"

Ben stood tall, showing he wasn't ashamed of what he'd done. "Hey, I needed to get inside the Royal Library to figure out where the Jedi temple was located on Lothal. While you were wasting time negotiating with some aristocrat, I was getting results."

"And that almost ended badly for you," Luke stated dryly as Ben scoffed.

It hadn't been easy stalking the guard and finding the opportune moment to bump into him. Ben had been quick about finding the book they needed, but he must've taken too long. Once the guard had found out about his missing chip, he was able to see where it was being used and sent every single police droid to the library.

"Well at the end of the day, I didn't go to jail and we found what we were looking for." His uncle sighed in defeat and shook his head. "Now, I'm going to go eat and relax inside where the sun isn't trying to kill me. Come find me when they've identified the problem. If they even do." Ben turned on his heels, causing his robe to billow in the hot air behind him. The entrance to the café slid open, the rush of cold, welcoming air beckoning him further inside. Cautiously, he eyed the small restaurant, taking note of the occupants and finding another exit at the far end of the rectangular perimeter.

He found a comfort in being prepared for anything.

Ben made his way to the counter, taking a seat on a rather uncomfortable bar stool. It made a low, creaking noise, fighting against the sudden addition of his weight. He quickly moved over to a more stable chair as an elderly woman appeared on the other side of the counter.

"What can I get for ya?" Her eyes held disinterest, her voice extremely raspy, scratching at Ben's ears. 

_Probably got that way from inhaling too much of the desert sand over the years,_ he thought idly to himself.

"Do you by chance have any banja cakes?" The waitress looked down at her relic of a datapad and started to scroll through the food itinerary.

"What flavor would ya like?"

His eyes lit up, mouth salivating over the prospect of devouring his favorite kind of sweets. "Chocolate," he answered eagerly.

She tapped the screen. "Anything else?" She looked up at him impatiently.

"Any cold sandwich will do, but I want the dessert first." Ben never did acquire the patience to wait for the sweet courses, always requesting it to be chocolate. "Oh, and some water, please."

"One choc banja cake and cold sandwich with water. Got it." Ben reached for his pants pocket, taking out his small and slender datapad and placing it on the counter. He sighed in disappointment when he saw that he still couldn't get a signal. Months of hunting for Jedi temples in the Outer Rim Territories had left them with no way of sending or receiving messages. None of the planets they've visited had strong enough equipment to magnify any sort of message through space, and the immense radiation out here made matters worse for communications. Especially aboard a ship.

Ben sat there, wondering if his mother was even worried about him.

The abrupt placement of a cold cup of water brought him back to the present. The waitress eyed his glossy datapad. "You won't get a signal right now. We installed a transistor amplification system a few months back, but it was damaged in a recent sandstorm. Should be up and runnin' tonight, though."

Ben's back immediately straightened. "You can get communications off world?"

"Yup." She turned to the blank holoscreen above the kitchen expo window behind her. "We finally get to play some programs on that there screen. Helps pass the time for me, and the customers like it. If ya come back tonight, everything should be up and runnin'.

"What time do you close?" he asked eagerly.

"We're open all day and all night."

Ben thanked her for the information and sat back, eyeing the holoscreen above. There had to be some messages from his mother waiting for him on his account. Maybe even his father….

He stopped that line of thought before it gained traction, knowing it never led to a good place. It was hard trying to suppress his hope that maybe, this time, he would receive a message from Han. Instead of letting his disappointment sink him into further despair, he'd learned to never expect anything from his old man. 

_There won't be any messages from him waiting for you_ , he reminded himself.

Taking a sip of the chilled water, he wondered when his own mother would stop checking in with him. It felt inevitable that it would happen, since she was so involved in her own life. As time went on, her messages were becoming fewer and farther between.

He heard the door open from behind, making him glance over his shoulder at the two human males entering. They were of middle age, with dark leathery skin and attire that had seen better days. Dirt and grime covered their once light shirts and pants, making it obvious they worked out in the elements.

"Kaydee," the darker haired, bushy bearded man yelled toward the older waitress. "We're gonna seat ourselves in our usual spot." She waved her hand in the air, not even bothering to look up from her task of drying the numerous amount of flatware before her. They proceeded over to the table behind Ben, not adhering to the proper social protocol of lowering their voices while in a public place.

Most of what they spoke of was easy to ignore. The trivialities of their home lives and their desire to make more money did not hold Ben's attention. After a few minutes of frivolously looking over the navigational chart for the next destination, his banja cakes were placed in front of him. Ravenously, but still holding his manners, he shoved the bite-sized cakes into his eager mouth, relishing the rich flavor. They weren't nearly as good as the ones on Chandrila he'd grown up eating, but none ever were.

Still, these would do just fine.

"Have ya heard about the new shipments comin' in?" Ben recognized the deeper voice belonging to the bearded man.

"A bunch of women and children. Guess there's even an exotic lookin' Twi'lek in the bunch," the bald one replied.

Ben stopped chewing, his gaze lifting to look straight through the expo window into the kitchen. He couldn't even taste the chocolate flavor anymore as the men continued their conversation.

"She'll go for a hefty price. That's one lucky bastard who snatched her up. He's gonna get a good share of the profit." Both men laughed. Ben clenched his teeth. "You goin' over to the caves tonight?"

"Yeah. I got guard duty till the mornin'. And a buyer is comin' sometime during the night."

"Wanna head over to the gambling center after this?" One of them cleared his throat, coughing up a big ball of phlegm.

"Nah. I gotta spend sometime with Ginna or she'll think I'm cheatin' on her."

"You are cheatin' on her."

"She don't need to know that." Boisterous laughter erupted from the two men, the kind that grated against your nerves.

Ben's face was as hard as iron as his fists curled on top of the counter. He glanced down, noticing his trembling hands. His right palm itched to touch his lightsaber, but he sat there. Frozen. Some time during the eavesdropping session, the waitress must have brought him his sandwich, for it was placed off to the side.

He didn't even recall that happening.

All his focus was on the two men sitting behind him. If he didn't make himself leave soon, he wouldn't be able to hold himself back from doing something brash.

He placed some coins on the counter and awkwardly stood, knocking the stool to the ground. He darted for the exit, never looking back on his way out. Finding his uncle was the only thing he cared about.

Luke was standing next to the tall Er'kit underneath the ships belly, pointing to something of insignificance. Ben squinted against the bombardment of light and ran over to his uncle, not even bothering to shield his face from the sun. He grabbed Luke's arm and wheeled him around.

"Ben! I'm in the middle–"

"We need to talk. Now. It's important." Luke looked at him questioningly, but his face quickly smoothed over.

"Alright." Luke addressed the Er'kit standing off to the side. "I'll be back shortly. You can examine the rest, but don't fix anything till I agree. Understood?" The creature nodded and continued his task that was so abruptly interrupted.

Ben led Luke into the ship, wanting the closed space for privacy. Once Ben was confident he was out of earshot of the mechanic, he began to tell the man everything he had heard. Luke leaned against the edge of the table, concentrating on his nephew.

Ben didn't try to hide his anger and disgust, he knew Luke would have felt it even if he tried to pretend to have a calm demeanor. "A buyer is coming tonight, so we need to go to these caves as soon as possible." His uncle nodded slowly, staring at the wall behind Ben as he stroked his beard.

"Why aren't you agreeing with me? These people need our help!" he yelled, not even causing a rise out of his uncle.

"I'm not disagreeing with you Ben, but the way you want to go about this is all wrong." Ben blinked in shock. "We need to contact the New Republic and get the Republic fleet to handle it."

Ben's fingers threaded through his hair as he stared at the old man.

"Are you kidding me? To get aid from the Republic fleet, it would have to be authorized by the Senate. Those politicians are beyond useless and never agree on anything. And we can't even transmit a message off of this planet!" He could feel the rising heat in his face as he tried to make his uncle see reason. A deep breath filled his chest while he made the effort to talk smoothly. "The Jedi are separate from the Republic, giving you full and legal authorization to make this decision on your own."

Luke's face was a pillar of durasteel as he let no emotion show. "I can make the decision, and this is what I will decide we do. The New Republic needs us to be on their side, not gallivanting through the galaxy doing whatever we want. If we do this without them, they'll think we're taking the law into our own hands."

Ben shook his head, grinding his molars. "Fuck the New Republic." Luke's brows rose. Ben's voice went deep and low as he enunciated each word, painting a clear and disturbing picture."There are innocent women and children being tortured and raped and this is the route you want to take? Inaction?"

Luke rubbed his lips together, trying to keep his aggravation in check. "It's not inaction, Ben. The mechanic told me we'll be able to communicate off this planet sometime tonight. I'll immediately contact Leia and tell her what's going on."

Ben scoffed. "Well, I'm not going to wait around for you to make that call."

He moved to the ship's exit, but was stopped by his uncle grabbing his arm.

"Don't you dare, Ben." Luke was now visibly frustrated. "My word is final."

"I don't have to abide by your word since you're no longer my master," Ben reminded him sharply. "Or have you forgotten that you gave me the title of Jedi Master and a seat on the council before we left? I can act of my own volition now." Ben faced off against Luke, their glares deepening.

If Luke looked frustrated before, he was now fuming with indignation.

"I gave you that seat and title personally, deciding to wait till we got back to announce it to everyone else. If you go through with this, consider your title stripped and your seat revoked. If you tell anyone about being given the title of Jedi Master, I'll deny it. It will be your word against mine."

Never in his life had Ben ever considered killing a member of his family, but that was all he could think about in that moment.

_You could do it. You're more powerful than him. You could cover it up and no one would ever find out…._

The dark thoughts formed in the back of his mind, pushing his rage to become a physical manifestation. Ben wrenched his arm from his uncle's hold and headed for his own quarters. Upon closing the entrance, he tore off his Jedi robes, leaving him in only his undergarments. He felt like he was suffocating from all the layers and he needed his skin to feel the cool air of the ship.

His wrath ripped through his room like a tornado, leaving nothing whole or unbroken. The anger would not stop pulsating through his veins, and it demanded to be released through unbridled carnage. Sharp pain hit his knees as he crumbled to the floor, examining the damage upon which he just made.

Part of his mind couldn't believe his uncle had threatened him, but he honestly should've expected it. He'd worked so hard for so long to be able to join Luke on the Jedi council. He would be the first to join Master Skywalker, and together, they would build up the Jedi to what it was before the Empire destroyed it. His uncle had seemed so excited to have someone help him with this huge burden, and had been so proud that that person was his nephew.

Ben had thought he was to be his uncle's equal.

It had all been a lie. If he could threaten to take it all away from Ben, what would stop him from doing the same in the future?

A heavy sigh stroked his lips as he lifted himself off the chilly floor, collapsing on his hard bed. For the rest of the day, he remained in the confines of his room and weighed his decision carefully.

Go help those innocent people on his own, or keep his seat on the Jedi council, the very thing he'd wanted ever since he was forced into attending the academy.

Which one was was more important?

()()()()()

Wind hit his face and filled his ears as he glided across the dark terrain on his speeder.

It was the dead of night when he slyly crept off of the ship, waiting long enough to make sure his uncle had drifted to sleep. There had been no reason for him to stay up since the transistor amplification system was still not functioning.

Being alone in his room, with only his thoughts at play, it hadn't taken Ben long to decide on venturing out to the caves. He couldn't live with himself, even if he was a Jedi Master, knowing that he could've done something to save those slaves.

There was only one mountain he could visibly see near the town, so he decided to start his search there. The only possessions he took with him was a small canteen of water and his lightsaber.

He'd been circling the mountain for nearly an hour before he felt the first forms of life. He followed the energy trail, seeing a cave forming in the distance. The speeder roared as he hit the throttle, his nerves starting to make an appearance. The moon was only a sliver in the sky, making him concentrate more on his dark surroundings

Ben cut the engine and parked the speeder behind a boulder by an opening. The inside was pitch black and he scolded himself for not bringing his night vision binoc's. He activated his lightsaber, watching the iridescent blue color light up the jagged walls. The inside was dank and cold the further he trekked, making him concentrate on staying light on his feet.

Time passed, and he started to doubt that this was the right cave. _But I feel something here_ , he reassured himself. He rounded a corner and saw a dim glow at the far end. The lightsaber disengaged as he flattened himself against the moist cave wall. Slowly, he crept closer to the illuminated cavern, trying to calm his racing heart.

All at once, his knees gave way, and his hands caught himself on the dirt floor. The all-consuming pain nearly blinded him, diminishing his strength to hold himself upright. He felt hopeless, lost, and completely terrified. These feelings did not belong to him, for they came from the people trapped in the hellish place.

Now steeled with determination, he craned his head up and crawled his way closer to the light. He had to see what was in there.

The foul smell hit his nose and burned his eyes as he came upon the edge of the cavern. Ben started to gag, but held down the few contents that were still in his stomach. Breathing through his mouth was even worse as he could taste the stench on his tongue. He settled on inhaling through his nose, not wasting his time with trying to breath through his robe.

Nothing would be able to mask the odor.

His eyes cleared, allowing to focus on the picture ahead. All he could do was stare, wide-eyed. Disbelieving. To the right, a dozen or so women were chained to the wall. The majority were human, but there was a Twi'lek and a Togruta among them. Some were completely naked, while others were in rags. They were lifeless behind their distant gaze, having lost hope of ever being freed.

He stood to his full height and made his way cautiously over to the prisoners, trying not to frighten them. Not one person paid him any heed. Even when he knelt down in front them, not one would look him straight in the eye.

They were broken.

From the far wall behind him, he heard soft crying, like a small wounded animal. Ben reared himself upward and turned to see cells etched into the rocky wall. He neared the prison, seeing that the ground was lumpy behind the cell bars, movement catching his eye.

As Ben gradually realized what the lumps were, he sagged to the ground and clutched onto the iron rods. Dozens of children were lying on the ground, curled up in an attempt to keep warm. They were infinitely filthier than the women, having no access to a refresher in what seemed to be days. By the thick smell of ammonia, it could have been weeks.

Ben shook uncontrollably, not able to stop the vomit from shooting up his esophagus and exiting his mouth. He heaved onto the floor, one hand gripping the cell as the other went to the ground to steady him. Never, at any time in his life, did he think he would witness such depravity and outright maliciousness.

How could someone do this to women and children?

A cold palm grasped the hand that was still on the cage. He lifted his gaze to see a young girl staring at him. Her hair was so matted and dirty, he couldn't be sure of the color. Her slanted irises, though, were as black as night and were overflowing with sorrow.

"Who are you?" a voice bellowed. "What are ya doin' here?"

He'd been caught.

But Ben and the girl kept staring at each other for a few moments longer, ignoring the man's shouts. Her skinny arm went between the two bars and up to his face, wiping the tear from his cheek. Something cracked inside him at that moment. It was something that he would never be able to repair, no matter how hard he tried. It consumed all that he was, so delicate under his carefully crafted world, its viperous head ripping apart the order.

The choice.

Ben Force pulled the man into his outstretched hand as he quickly stood, towering over what he realized to be a Rodian. His lightsaber came to life and he drove the plasma blade through the whimpering creature's chest, smelling burnt flesh.

He'd never killed a living being before. The act should have been more shocking, but he felt none of that. The acceptance over what he'd just done didn't take him too far away, but deep inside himself to a primitive place that knew how to dissociate from the kind of disbelief that preceded death.

Everything after that was a daze. Even his own screams became incoherent to his ears. He was a crazed animal on a murderous rampage, seeking to fill his blood lust till his belly was full and his muscles were spent.

One after another, the blue light of his saber cut down all that stood in his way. Men ran from him, but he followed their fear deeper into the caves. They begged and pleaded and cried to have their lives spared, but Ben couldn't stop now. Wouldn't. He gutted every last one of them, their blood seeping into the dirt below his boots.

As he came upon the last man cowering in a corner, Ben heard the close sound of dogs barking in the next room. A sinister smile played along his lips. He dragged the sobbing, soiled man into the chamber with him.

The dogs were chained to the wall, much like the women were, but these animals were actually fighting against their chains. Their ribs protruded out of their sides, bones scattered across the dirt floor.

They weren't animal bones.

"Are these your dogs?" The man kept crying, not answering him. Ben balanced his weight on the balls of his feet as he knelt down to the man's eye level. One look at Ben's face made the man answer his question.

"Y-yes," he stuttered. "Please, I'm only seventeen. I–I didn't want to be here–"

Ben cocked his head to the side. "Do you think these animals are loyal to you?" he asked, ignoring the pleas. The man's brows furrowed, not knowing how to answer. "Well." Ben paused and straightened to his full stature, his eyes never leaving the youthful man's horrified face. "I'm going to enjoy finding out."

He force pushed him into the far wall, the rabid beasts pouncing upon their master, tearing the flesh from his face, ripping into his gut for the delicious prizes inside. Gurgling screams echoed off the stone, blood spraying in all different directions. Ben watched the man be torn apart, relishing in the sound of bones breaking and flesh tearing.

It took longer than expected for the man to finally die, but after he had, Ben retraced his steps back to the cavern. So many bodies filled the hallways that he didn't make any attempts to step around them. They were dead, anyway.

He started to pick up the pace as his worry began to heighten for the women and children he left behind.

Somehow, the women had freed themselves from their chains and were now herding the children from the cages.

The Twi'lek spat in his direction and shielded her body between him and the young ones. "You need to leave." Her accent was hard, making him strain to understand her as she spoke Basic. Bodies lay torn apart across the ground, but the cavern was not as convoluted with corpses as the narrow hallways. The women emptied the cells and were now making their way outside, coaxing the terrified children to the exit, telling them not to look down.

"You need my help." The voice that came out of his mouth was unrecognizable. It was deep, dark and dangerous. It reflected how he felt.

The Twi'lek stepped over the bodies, pointing down to the corpse of a human woman. "She needed your help and you murdered her in your blind rage. She grabbed the keys from one of the dead men and began freeing us, but she got in your way as you went mad. You looked at her, remember? As you pierced her with your lightsaber, you had looked at her... _Jedi._ "

Ben instantly denied her accusation.

"Don't believe me? Come. Look. The lightsaber burn is in the middle of her chest." He sauntered over the random limbs and carcasses, ready to prove the woman wrong, but stopped mere feet from the lifeless body. There, perfectly placed at the center of her chest, was a lightsaber wound.

"No…" His head shook in disbelief, his mind drunk with confusion. The events of the slaughter were running through his thoughts, but it was all a blur. He couldn't remember seeing her, even though the Twi'lek said he'd stared right at the woman before striking her down.

"You've done enough. You should now leave this place," she demanded.

Ben fell to his knees, his hands trembling as he stopped himself from touching the face of the deceased. Her eyes were open, no hint of life behind her blue irises. His breathing became more labored as it dawned on him what he had done.

"I didn't see her. I–" He lifted his head, but the room was now empty, leaving the dead as his only company.

Blood was sprayed everywhere, covering the walls and soaking the soft, sandy ground. Ben stood, looking at his bloody Jedi robes. The smell of copper and sweat lingered in the air, on his clothes, and in his hair. His chest constricted. He couldn't breath. Suddenly he was in the dark halls, running from the nightmare as he tore off his outer robes, dropping them in his wake.

They said he was evil, all those kids he grew up with. He'd been just a boy, not understanding how they could form such a prejudice against him. They had once been his friends, but somehow, they saw what was lurking below the surface. Knew he would snap one day.

He was a murderer. A psychopath. A villain.

But even under the terms that plagued him, he was still that feeble boy, not strong enough to fight off that darkness inside. But he wasn't just weak, but scared, too.

He was too scared not to follow the dark, and to weak to fight that fear.

The opening of the cave came into view just as his boot caught on a jagged rock, sending him plummeting onto the sharp floor. His head hit the ground hard, a gash opening up just above his temple. Warmth trickle down to his neck, but he did nothing to stop it. Didn't numb to the pain. He glanced around, seeing his lightsaber lying on the ground next to him. He froze, studying the saber with the small amount of light the outside offered.

He recoiled from the silver hilt, like _it_ was the one who chose to slaughter all those people, not _him_.

As he lay there, in his sleeveless undershirt and trousers, he knew his life as a Jedi was over. He'd known that was a possibility when he decided to come out there, but now facing that reality was hard to stomach. The last ten years of his life did not matter now, but there was one thing he did know: he never wanted to touch that lightsaber again.

He picked himself off the floor and walked out of the cave, not looking back at the weapon he left in the shadows.

The women and children were huddled off to the right of the entrance, but he kept walking to the boulder that hid his speeder. The Twi'lek was right; they didn't need his help anymore.

He pulled the speeder out from concealment, mounting it swiftly. His eyes gazed over the vast landscape to his right, searching for his uncle. Luke was close, coming up to the cave at an accelerated speed, but Ben didn't plan on being there when he arrived.

 _At least he can help the slaves find shelter,_ he thought.

Igniting the engine, he took one last look at the group in front of him. The girl, the one he'd shared a moment with in the cavern, was standing away from the others. Her eyes locked onto him, her face frozen as she raised a hand to wave. That young girl, who couldn't be any older than fourteen, was not afraid of him like the others. She offered him her silent gratitude, and he gave her a sad smile as he nodded, bidding her farewell.

He turned the speeder around and throttled the engine, zooming off into the distance toward the town.

()()()()()

Ben was exhausted as he came upon the café. He'd felt his uncle make it to the caves, horror and shock rippling through the Force. Luke would most likely be there for a while, trying to help the malnourished slaves before eventually coming to look for his nephew. By then, Ben planned on being in a different star system, trying to pick up the shattered remnants of his life.

The elderly waitress hadn't lied when she told him the café never closed, for a large crowd was pushing up against the counter. Hopefully he could find one of them leaving the planet soon and hitch a ride. But first, he needed to eat something before he fell over. The last thing he ate were those banja cakes. He hadn't even finished them.

He took a seat at the end of the counter where it was less crowded. Everyone seemed to be focused on the holoscreen over the kitchen window, some type of Republic News broadcast playing.

Ben froze.

If they were getting the news, the transistor amplification system was working. He raced out of the café at a dead run, going straight for his room aboard the ship. His datapad was still on his bed as he grabbed it and headed back for the restaurant. He switched it on, waiting for it to load when he opened the café door.

The inside was now in total chaos, people shouting at the holoscreen and throwing food at the broadcast.

The datapad started to ding in his hands, showing dozens of unread messages from his mother, the last one from about a week ago. He scrolled down to the beginning, still standing right in front of the door.

"That fuckin' Alderaan Princess deceived all of us!"

"Her and her bloodline should be hunted down and exterminated. They're too dangerous to be left alive."

"Skywalker and that woman have been lying to us this whole time!"

Ben snapped his head up, his eyebrows scrunching together as he glanced around the frenzied room, many fingers pointing to the holoscreen. He could make out his mother's name among the shouting and stepped closer, wrenching himself to the front of the crowd where he could get the best view of the broadcast.

He still couldn't hear what was being said over all the shouting. He waved his hand, making the volume grow louder till he could discern the reporter's voice.

"…mere twenty minutes ago, it was revealed by Centrist Senator Ransolm Casterfo that Senator Leia Organa is indeed the biological child of Darth Vader. We will now show you the clip of the unveiling that took place on the Senate floor."

Ben started to have tunnel vision, only noticing the screen directly overhead. The broadcast cut to the inside of the Senate meetinghouse as he watched a tall, blonde Senator reach inside a chest and take out what appeared to be a music box. He opened it, and Ben immediately recognized the song as one of the lullabies his mother used to sing to him.

A man's voice started to speak when the song ended, starting the recording off by saying, "My beloved daughter…" It was Bail Organa, addressing his mother. He listened as Bail voiced his worry that he might not survive the war, and stressed that he needed to pass down a piece of important knowledge to his daughter. Ben's heart raced frantically with anticipation, focusing his eyes on the screen like it was enchanting him to do so.

" _You've never expressed much interest in knowing about your birth parents. So many times, you've told your mother and me we are the only father and mother you've ever needed – and never doubt how much that means to us both. But Leia, the story of your origin is one you must know. You were hidden with us, for your own safety, and for that of your brother. Yes, you have a twin brother, though you must not seek him until the war has ended, and both Palpatine and Lord Vader have been defeated._

" _Obi-wan Kenobi took your brother for safe keeping, and I took you. We hid you both from each other, and from your father, who could not know that any child of his had been born alive. You see, Leia, I always told you the truth about your mother and how she died. But I never told you that she was Padme Amidala, former queen and senator of the planet Naboo. Nor could I share that your father was Anakin Skywalker, one of the last Jedi Knights and a great hero of The Clone Wars. But now I must tell you the worst, and you must be strong. I must tell you what became of Anakin Skywalker."_

" _You father has become Darth Vader."_

The senate floor erupted in shouting, both sides arguing over one another. Ben held onto the counter edge so tight, his hands felt like they would break under the strain. 

_It has to be fabricated! My mother would have told me something like this_. As Ben's thoughts began to race out of his control, he tried to search for his mother on the screen.

Instead, Senator Casterfo came back on.

"I have every reason to believe it is genuine. But if it is not, let Senator Organa pronounce it false."

Finally, the broadcast showed his mother. Ben waited, expecting her to get up and proclaim that it was all lies, that it was a slanderous political tactic fabricated from one of her opponents. But she just sat there, displaying a collective exterior to the public. Ben was confused that his mother could be so calm in the face of such a heinous accusation. Darth Vader was the second most hated person in the entire galaxy, right after Palpatine, and all his mother could do was sit there patiently and listen to her accuser?

After a few moments, she stood, the amplifier droids swarming her immediately. With a cold stone stare, she said, "Senator Casterfo's accusation is true. My father was Darth Vader."

Every single light in the cafe, including the holoscreen, sparked and exploded all at once. People yelled in fright and shoved each other as they tried to exit the establishment as fast as possible.

Shattered pieces of glass covered Ben, but he didn't attempt to brush them out of his hair or off his shoulders. His life had unraveled too quickly for him to hold onto any remnants of his sanity. Everything he thought he knew was now a lie. The big expanse of fury was engulfing him into its suffocating vacuum and nothing made sense to him anymore.

In the caves, he had started to accept that his path as a Jedi was over, that he would have to make a new start somewhere else. But now this news… The two people closest to him, his uncle and mother, had deceived him his whole life. He grew up scared and confused as to why he was so sensitive to the Force and why he had problems controlling his anger. And the answer had been there all along. He was the grandson of Darth Vader, the most powerful Sith in thousands of years.

 _The lightsaber… I left it in the cave…_

When his uncle had given him the saber at fourteen, he'd told him it was a special family heirloom. Obi-wan had explained to Luke that it had belonged to his father, who was murdered by Darth Vader. But now, Ben could see the whole truth for what it was. The lightsaber he had refused to pick up was that of Darth Vader's, before he became a Sith.

_All your family does is lie to you._

_They do not care about you._

_All of them have tossed you aside, never trusting you._

_But I know your potential._

_Your power can be greater than your grandfather's._

_You can crush criminal enterprises and bring order to the galaxy, with my help_.

The familiar voice caressed his emotions as he spoke to Ben's mind. The wheel of regret, sadness, and anger were as seductive and potentially unrelenting as a black hole, and all he wanted was to rid himself of such emotions.

_I am not far from you._

_Come and join me._

_I have only ever respected your power, while your family has been holding you back from fulfilling your destiny._

_You owe your family nothing, for they have given you nothing_.

Looking out into the dark café, Ben became numb. He was tired of trying to achieve his family's expectations, tired of being lied to, and tired of feeling disgusted with himself.

With that thought, he gave into the voice and let his own monster roam free among his mind. He was done feeling guilty, and the only way to free himself from the guilt was to embrace his sins.

The datapad lit up and dinged on the counter, showing a brand new message from his mother. But it was too late.

He had no family.

He grabbed the device and threw it against the wall, hearing it break into pieces.

His boots crunched on the broken glass as he exited the café and went to the mechanic shop. He Force pushed the locked door across the garage, heading to the box of keys behind the work counter to the right. The ion lock that was placed on the ships dashboard would prevent the craft from starting up and could be difficult to unlock with the Force.

But that could be easily remedied.

As he ruffled through the contents, the Er'kit came rushing into the room from the back door. "You're not allowed in here." Ben paid the creature no heed. "You still owe me half the cost for fixing the hyperdrive. I won't allow you to leave till I'm paid." The alien came at Ben, but was lifted into the air by his outstretched hand. The creature choked, and with a violent jerk of his wrist, Ben snapped the Er'kit's neck.

The body made a sickening thud as it hit the floor, its eyes open and tongue sticking limply out from its mouth.

"You won't allow me?" Ben snickered, chuckling.

With the key firmly in his grasp, he left and walked onto the ship. A high-pitched squeal made him turn and face Artoo. The droid scooted back when it caught sight of Ben's expression. Artoo bolted down the ramp and wheeled off into the darkness of night.

Ben removed the ion lock from the dashboard and initiated the launch sequence. His destiny was somewhere out in those stars and he needed to desperately find it.

The belonging he had sought for was with his new master now.

That foolish, naïve boy who went by the name Ben Solo would forever remain in those dark caves, rotting away with the rest of the corpses, where _he_ belonged.


	11. No Going Back

Rey was seated on the sand, legs up against her chest, chin resting on her knees. The lowering temperature made her shiver, the light breeze playing with the loose strands of her hair. The surrounding climate no longer held her interest. All her focus was on the man sitting before her.

Early on in his story, Rey had lowered herself to the ground, listening to every word that came out of Kylo's mouth. After seeing her relax, he came closer, sitting only a short arm distance away. The detail he went into as he spoke had surprised her since he didn't seem like the talking type. She actually smiled at him when he talked about his interactions with his uncle and being in the café. If she hadn't been paying close enough attention to his face, she would've missed the short-lived grin when he described the banja cakes.

But it had happened, and she had noticed.

She had become tethered to his emotions immediately after he described the two men entering the eatery. The ups and downs of his feelings had left her mentally exhausted, as if she'd been in those caves with him, witnessing the horrors hidden in the mountain. The breeze had helped dry her tears before they spilled over onto her cheeks.

He didn't try to hide how many people he'd killed. Even though he didn't know the exact number, he computed that it was in the dozens. Rey knew she should feel disgusted for what he'd done, but secretly, she was glad those men were dead. The woman he murdered, though, left her feeling queasy.

Then there was how he found out about his grandfather that had tipped him over the edge to embrace the dark side and betray his family. Even though Rey knew joining the dark side was wrong, she could understand why he had.

 _No wonder he tries to be honest all the time. He abhors lying cause he was lied to all his life_ , Rey inwardly mused.

It had been a few minutes since he'd last spoken, and all Rey could do was stare at him behind her soft eyes. His fingers were playing in the sand as his memories kept haunting him. Rey had no idea what to say to break the silence. All the responses she'd come up with seemed to not be enough for the moment.

He locked his eyes with her, raising his hand to relax on his thigh.

"I honestly have no idea what to say," Rey whispered, staying still. He raised his brows in disbelief. "What?"

He shrugged. "I just thought you'd accuse me of being a murderer and try to convince me how wrong it was to seek out the First Order."

A deep sigh came from Rey's mouth and her eyes drifted down to his chest. He was a killer, but accusing him to be as much was a waste of time.

He knew who he was; she didn't need to remind him.

They sat there, both comfortable in the silence that ensued.

Suddenly, Rey felt like she was floating, even though she could see that her body was still lounging on the ground. She realized what was happening: she was waking up. Her awareness spiked as she started to panic.

She didn't want to leave.

Kylo looked at her questioningly, feeling her panic resonate through the Force. She couldn't leave without saying something to him, and she frantically searched for the words to express how she felt. 

"I'm sorry you felt betrayed by your family," Rey began to say. "It was wrong for them to keep a secret like that from you. And what happened in those caves was horrible, and I don't mean you killing those men. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I'm glad they're dead. I'm talking about you seeing those women and children chained and locked away. And you killing that women is a tragedy, but I do believe you didn't intend for that to happen. I can feel your regret over killing her." Rey was talking a parsec a minute, trying to impress upon him what she thought.

His eyes grew wide as he watched her.

"The First Order isn't your destiny," Rey implored. "What you're doing is wrong. You want to do to the galaxy exactly what happened to those people in the caves. You want to enslave civilizations into following your ideals. That's not giving them freedom. Its taking it away." She paused, taking a deep breath. His face was becoming dark again, and she was so close to waking. "And you deserve to be free. Your master is enslaving you, Ben. Can't you–"

()()()()()

Kylo shot up from the bench, eyes falling upon the computer. He rubbed at his face, trying to wipe away the fatigue, being reminded that he hasn't had a proper night sleep in weeks. It wasn't necessarily because of the dreams he shared with the girl, but because of a gnawing feeling that something significant was going to happen.

And soon.

The bond with the scavenger was significantly stronger than it had been before falling asleep. He could easily feel her emotions, could get glimpses into her thoughts as he told her why he left the Jedi Order. He knew he should be furious at revealing so much of his past, but he wasn't. Talking to her had felt so... easy.

Kylo surveyed the inside of the AT-AT, wishing she were there with him. He couldn't deny how much he wanted to be with her, whether it was physically or to just be in the same space. The light within her called to him, urging him to never part from her.

It was wrong. Everything about it all was wrong.

Kylo knew this kind of sentiment was very dangerous to the plans ahead. Even if she could accept him for the monster he was and wanted to remain with him, where would he go? Back to the Resistance with her? The only thing waiting for him there was his execution. And she made it quite clear that she would never join the First Order. No, the only option he had was to remain on the path he was on.

This wasn't the first time he'd thought about deserting the Order, followed by the shame that sliced through him for giving the idea too much credence.

Weak. Sometimes he was so... weak.

Kylo stood and walked over to the water caskets, listening to his boots scrape against the ground in the silence of the room. He paused, listening to –

 _Nothing_.

He sprinted to the exit hatch and pushed it open to see the stillness of dawn.

The storm was over.

His focus started to come back as he tossed his inner light further down into the dark crevice of his apathy.

Before leaving the temporary home, he glanced back, applying the living space to his memory. He allowed himself to think of the girl one last time. Never would he feel this close to her again. Soon, her corpse would be rotting in the dirt. 

He had to keep moving forward since there was no going back. Where he was headed, compassion wouldn't be tolerated.

()()()()()

As Kylo flew toward Niima Outpost, he watched the sun rise in the far off distance, its rays coating the desert in a deceitful scene of beauty with the brilliant colors of orange and yellow. His eyes caught the faint outline of the outpost, examining the area as his heart jumped from what he gradually recognized: a small First Order shuttle. It was located right next to the main tent.

This mission was supposed to be his own.

Kylo's anger started to rise toward the person who would purposefully interrupt his plans.

Upon landing and exiting the freighter, he could sense who had arrived, causing his annoyance to heighten. He walked inside the shelter, instantly seeing one of his knights towering over Unkar Plutt. Nymeer cocked his head and smiled right at him, drawing his electrostaff away from the petrified alien.

"Master Ren. So good of you to join us." Kylo glared at Nymeer, who only smiled wider upon witnessing his growing indignation. Next to the knight's boots was his helmet. For some nefarious reason, Nymeer chose not to wear it whenever he could.

"What are you doing here?" Kylo said in a clipped tone.

Nymeer kicked Plutt in the gut, making the creature fall to the ground. The grenades and blaster pistol clanged against Nymeer's chest from the abrupt movement. On numerous occasions, Kylo had lectured Nymeer on the foolishness of strapping pyro grenades to his vest, explaining that a single blaster bolt to any one of them could cause them to detonate. But his knight never took them off.

Most likely out of spite.

"Hux sent me to make sure you were making progress," Nymeer explained. "You haven't checked in with him."

"I don't answer to Hux, nor do I have to report to him." Nymeer fully turned to face his master. His bleach, blonde hair made his white skin look close to sickly, but his height was what made him look intimidating. Not many people were taller than Kylo, and Nymeer was among the few that enjoyed such a luxury.

Nymeer poked at the creature with the toe of his boot. "Well, maybe you'll be glad to hear what I got out of this Crolute."

Plutt withered on the ground, grasping at his large mid section with his robotic arm.

"I can get the information myself."

"He has a secondary tracking system on the Falcon." Nymeer kept talking, seeming to ignore Kylo's statement. "It's basically undetectable, and he can turn it on manually from here. Looks like you can find the girl through this tub of bantha lard."

Kylo was tempted to beat that prideful grin off of Nymeer's face, but he held himself back. Truth was, Kylo had been very much looking forward to having the Crolute completely to himself. He had plans that involved an immense amount of torture, maybe some mocking, and then eventual death.

"I'll take a look for myself." Kylo glided over to Plutt and knelt down by his flat face. Nymeer backed off, giving him room to work.

"Please, no…" the humanoid groaned, but Kylo barely registered the pleas before palming Plutt's slick temples and delving inside.

Kylo was glad to see that Unkar had indeed inspected the damage he had bestowed upon the Kyuzo, which, in turn, made him fearful for his own life. Kylo dug deeper, finding that the Crolute had indeed installed the secondary tacking system on the Corellian freighter – a by product of his constant paranoia.

Kylo fiddled around the creature's mind some more, not seeing anything of critical importance. He stayed away from any memories that showed the girl, but just as he was about to exit the Crolute's mind, he saw that Plutt actually knew the scavenger's parents. Kylo took in the information. He would never use it, but he couldn't stop himself from being curious.

He pulled his hands away and stood as he gripped his saber. Igniting it, the Crolute gazed at the violent red light with horror.

"Why do you feel the need to kill this creature?" Nymeer asked. Kylo glared over his shoulder, his knight putting his palms up innocently. "Hey, I'm just thinking that we should leave him alive. He passes along information to the First Order; he can be useful out here." Nymeer sneered at Kylo, studying his master intently. "Unless, this is personal."

Nymeer had always gotten off on annoying others. Kylo was no exception. The knight always tried to push his master over the edge, trying to expose a weakness in him... which was exactly what he was doing now.

Kylo knew the need to kill Unkar Plutt was personal when it really shouldn't be. The need to avenge the girl was a weakness that was hard to cast away.

His attention was drawn to the petrified Crolute as he loomed over him, weighing his options. He didn't want Nymeer to think that he needed to kill this creature to avenge someone who was an enemy. Because if he did, the knight would then want to know what those reasons were.

With his boot, Kylo flattened Unkar onto his back, watching the creature squirm. "I want the tracking monitor on the VCX-100 light freighter. Now." Unkar didn't waste anytime staying in Kylo's presence. He scrambled to his feet, his body jiggling as he ran over to the cargo crawler.

Nymeer moved into Kylo's periphery, catching the attention of his master. "It's probably a good thing to leave those loyal to the First Order alive."

"He's only loyal to himself." Kylo disengaged the saber and clipped it to his belt.

Nymeer latched his electrostaff to his back and picked up his helmet, placing it under his arm. "That's probably more likely."

"Have the remaining knights go to the meeting place on Rattatak," Kylo ordered. "I'll let you know of my plans when we're all together."

Nymeer cocked his head to the side. "Oh? I thought you were wanting to do this mission alone?" 

"There's been a hitch in my plans."

"What hitch would that be?" Nymeer asked, feigning interest.

"Skywalker. He's with the girl."

Kylo watched the surprise form on the pale man's face.

"How do you know?" This time, Nymeer was serious. Kylo thought back to when the girl had brought up the boy he'd paralyzed in his youth. General Organa would never have told that story to anyone, but Skywalker probably would.

Especially if that person was his apprentice.

Kylo and Nymeer turned to see Unkar hustling toward them with something a little bigger than a datapad in his hand. He stopped a few feet from the malicious pair, breathing heavily. "My lackey's are putting the equipment on your ship now." He gulped, taking in a long inhale of air. "This device will show you where they are and how to get there." Kylo snatched it from Plutt, gazing at a map to a planet in the Outer Rim Territories that he didn't recognize.

"Gather the knights and get to Rattatak as soon as possible," he ordered as he went to leave, not giving Nymeer a chance to re-ask his question. He wanted to get back on his ship and review the planet Skywalker and the girl were currently on. There was no way he could take on the scavenger and the Jedi Master and come out unscathed. Even though he was annoyed to see Nymeer at the outpost, it gave him the idea to utilize his knights to achieve his goal.

The Supreme Leader would hopefully understand that.

Unkar's thugs left the ship as he walked up the ramp. He needed to get this mission done, and soon. His master was losing trust in him and Kylo's focus was faltering more and more with each passing day. Killing the girl needed to be quick, like ripping off a bacta patch.

_Don't overthink. Just do it._

He had decided upon this path and he couldn't let a small, desert rat get in the way of him following in his grandfather's footsteps.

()()()()()

It has been three days since Rey last saw him.

She didn't know the mechanics of it, but Rey knew Kylo was somehow preventing them from seeing each other. She would purposefully bypass meditation to take the opportunity to nap, always searching for him within her dreams. She never found him. Even at night, slumbering for a longer stretch of time, he was nowhere to be found. Either way, not seeing Kylo the past three nights was starting to make her feel uneasy. Like he was about to jump out from a corner and grab her.

Still, she had kept her talks with Kylo a secret from Luke. But now she was considering in reversing that decision.

After waking from the dream three nights ago, Rey was now more certain than ever that Ben Solo still existed. She could see his vast potential for good, and fantasized how the tides of war could be changed if he switched over to their side. But how to make him join her? She hadn't been able to come up with an answer. Whenever she tried, her mind would keep drifting to that moment he caressed her cheek, feeling how perfect it had felt.

"Okay," Luke breathed out. Rey glanced up as he entered the hut, carrying a small chest. His robes were dark brown and black, which matched the ominous rain clouds that plagued the sky. All morning and into the afternoon, Rey could hear the constant roar of thunder, but still no rain fell. Rey was eager to feel the water droplets on her skin, for it rarely ever rained on Jakku.

Luke placed the chest on the floor in front of her crossed legs as he eased himself to sit on the opposite side. He solemnly placed his hands atop the lid, looking down at it in reverence. "These are some of the light sabers I was able to gather from my fallen students. I'm going to deconstruct them and take the crystals out. I hope one of the crystals calls to you, like they did to my past padawans." He paused. "I'm sorry we cannot go to the Crystal Caves on Ilum to find yours." His voice was filled with melancholy as he stroked the rough wood of the chest.

"It's alright," she said softly. "I understand it's too dangerous. I still find it to be a great honor to use one of your students crystals."

Luke smiled in appreciation, looking at her like a proud father would his daughter.

Would she always try to find someone to fill that void of her parents?

"I do believe you are ready to make your own lightsaber. Rey, you're one of the most gifted students I've ever had the pleasure of teaching." She blushed, still not knowing how to react to accolades.

The chest creaked as Luke slowly opened it.

There were eight lightsabers, all of them unique, none of them looking even remotely the same. Rey watched, captivated, as Luke levitated each lightsaber between his hands. He took every single one of them apart, placing the metal parts to the right and the Kyber crystals to his left. The crystals glowed in the dimness of the hut, as if they were alive, pulsating.

Luke motioned for Rey to inspect the crystals. "Open yourself up to the Force and you may find a crystal that is suitable for you."

Rey scooted closer, her hand hovering over the crystals, shaking ever so slightly. She closed her eyes, feeling the ambiance of the island and allowing its energy to flow through her. Her hand was wrenched slightly to the side as she dropped her palm, enclosing it around one of the gleaming crystals. With a quaking hand, she brought it up to her eyes and examined the beautifully smooth stone. It was oblong in shape, with one end pointing out sharply and the other flat and even.

This crystal belonged to her; she had no doubt in her mind.

"I think that crystal will fit you perfectly." But Luke's smile didn't reach his eyes.

"Who did it belong to?" Rey asked.

Luke exhaled while stroking his beard. "His name was Alec. He was from Coruscant and was the oldest student at the academy. He wasn't as talented in the Force as you are, but he was a very good man. He watched over the students whenever I had to be away on business."

"Well... I'm honored to use his crystal."

They let the silence fill the room as Rey kept studying the stone.

"Now," Luke broke through the quiet atmosphere, "the easy part is over. Time to actually construct the saber hilt." Rey's lips curled into a huge grin, her body tensing from excitement. "You may use any of the parts you so desire. The construction of the saber will come to you as you concentrate."

Luke kept giving Rey some pointers and offered to help her, but she declined. She wanted to do this on her own.

Over the next half of the day, Rey went through every single mental state imaginable: Excitement, agitation, drive, despair, pride – they all took their turns strangling her. She'd always been so gifted with building things, but creating her saber was one of the most challenging assignments she'd had in a long time.

With a sharp exhale, she took a break and lay out on the floor, trying to calm her frustration. Luke had left her to be alone and she wondered if he was starting to become disappointed in how long it was taking her to construct the hilt. She breathed deeply, trying to picture all the many pieces of scrap metal on the floor. Slowly, her hand drifted above her, wielding the pieces to follow her command.

A clear picture of her saber came into her mind, and she moved each piece of metal into their perfect place. It was a puzzle that Rey was on the cusp of solving her excitement growing with every passing second. Lastly, her long crystal floated in the middle of the circling pieces, pulsating a strong, white light. A sudden flash blinded her, causing her to close her eyes, but she didn't need to see to know what had happened.

With her eyes tightly shut, she let the Force guide her. She clasped her hands together, gripping a hard, metal rod. She cracked her lids open, holding her saber in silent awe. She sat up, admiring the weapon. It was longer than normal, with a sleek, silver look. Five strips of rough, black rubber circled the silver rod, making it easier to grip. Both ends of the saber were cut diagonally, instead of the traditional flat.

It was perfect.

Rey darted outside, leaving her vest and armbands behind. The sun had sett and the wind chill ripped through her clothes, but she desperately needed to see if the saber would work. She didn't want to ignite it inside the small hut, for fear she might destroy some of Luke's belongings.

She raised the saber parallel to the ground, moving her thumb against the first activator switch. A beautiful shade of yellow shot out of the end, illuminating the surroundings.

"You've done it."

She turned to see Luke smiling at her. She flipped the second activator, igniting the other end of her saber. Her master stepped forward, inspecting her carefully crafted hilt. "I've never had a student make a double-bladed lightsaber. May I?" He held out his hand hesitantly as Rey passed him the weapon. He weighed it with his hands and scanned the model with his eyes.

"How did you make this with one crystal?" Luke asked.

"During the process, the crystal split into two."

"Really?" His voice rose with his shock. He gave the saber back to its owner. "I think tomorrow morning, we should skip meditating and duel with your new lightsaber. I'm eager to see it in action."

 _Me too_ , Rey inwardly agreed.

"We can't try it out right now?" Rey asked sheepishly. Luke looked to the menacing clouds overhead as she felt the wind start to pick up speed.

"Not the most ideal weather to practice in. We can see if tomorrow will bring us better fortune." Reflexively, her shoulders slumped in disappointment. _Tomorrow. I can wait for tomorrow._ "I was wondering if I could show you something about the island, though. Before we have dinner."

Rey's interest instantaneously spiked. "Of course. What is it?"

"The Jedi Temple."

Her head whipped around, confused.

"Isn't this the Jedi temple?" She pointed to the huts as Luke burst out laughing.

"Good heavens, no! The temple is actually built into the island. The entrance is near where you landed the Falcon. It's next to the big tree with the three wide branches." Rey's eyes shot to the ground, her eyes growing wide.

"The temple is beneath us?" Luke nodded. "Lets go! We have plenty of time before dinner," she blurted out.

Growing up, she'd heard about Jedi temples and how secretive they were. People would always try to guess what sort of mysteries they held, but Rey never put much thought into it. She never imagined she would see one in her lifetime. When she had arrived on Ahch-To and thought the huts were the temple, she'd been slightly disappointed, but had kept that to herself.

She chalked up the bland appearance to it being the first Jedi temple. That they probably didn't have many resources to build a grand one.

They promptly hiked down the island's stairs as Luke described the objects she would find down there: artifacts, weapons, some holocrons, and lots and lots of books. Apparently the people here had a preference for writing rather than digitally recording history. Jedi's of old would try to keep a journal of their many trials and adventures, donating them be stored in the temples.

"You should try and chronicle your life and eventually add it to the library," Luke suggested.

They were coming up to the Falcon when Rey had the perfect idea.

"I'm just gonna grab something from my room.I'll be quick." Rey darted for the Falcon's ramp and headed straight for her personal quarters. She rifled through her bag and grabbed what she'd been looking for.

Luke was patiently waiting where she left him. As she neared her master, she held up her personal journal. Well, it wasn't really a journal. It was more of a survival guide on how to live on Jakku, but towards the end of writing it, she'd recorded her time with Finn and Han all the way up to when she made it to Takodana.

"I already started writing about my experiences, but I haven't written in it for awhile. I can update it when we go inside." As they neared the stone entrance, Luke listened while she described what was in those pages.

To her left, the gigantic tree filled up a lot of the space. She never really paid much heed to the tree, but as she studied it, something about it felt familiar to her. Luke must've seen the way she was eyeing it, prompting him to explain that the planets energy was focused on that very spot.

It wasn't hard to feel the power resonating from that area, but the feeling of the Force was not the familiarity she was experiencing. The sound of a rock sliding across the ground made her whip her heard back to their destination. Luke was Force pushing a massive boulder off to the right, and ever so slowly, Rey started to notice a doorway sized cutout in the hill side.

She hurried to the entrance, peering inside. It was eerily dark, but the minuscule amount of light from the outside revealed steps leading down into the black cavern. Luke grabbed a small orb from the rocky shelf at the entrance and activated it. Light emanated out in every direction, exposing the flight of descending stairs. Rey took every step cautiously through the narrow stairway until she came to the bottom. Luke tossed the orb into the air. It flew to the middle of the circular chamber, floating in place high above them.

Lining the walls were numerous tables that held all different types of weapons and relics. In the middle were rows of bookshelves, each filled to the capacity with leather-backed novels and journals. The air smelled old and musty, but there was a comfort in this place that allowed her to relax.

"There's a doorway at the back wall that leads to more cavern's like this one, but there's enough in here to explore for now," Luke explained. Rey walked to the bookshelves, her fingers touching the leather volumes as she passed by. So much knowledge was at her fingertips, it made her feel giddy. It was a stark contrast to her having to really dig through vast amounts of rubble to find readable data-chips on Jakku.

"Is it alright if I stay down here for a bit before dinner?" Rey's eyes were still scanning the bookshelves, wondering which book she would read first. "I want to look over some of these books, if that's okay?"

"Of course. I'll grab Chewie out of the Falcon and head up to start cooking. Don't be too long, or else I can't promise there will be any food left." He was alluding to Chewie's never-ending appetite.

Rey chuckled and promised to be up soon.

After Luke departed, she made her way over to a small group of tables in front of the book shelves. She should get as much writing done before delving into another Jedi's tale of adventures. Writing her experiences came easier than she thought it would... except for when it came to Han's death. She gave her honest account of the proceedings, leaving little to the imagination. Once she started to record the events on Ahch-To, Rey had to pause. Did she write about her dreams with Ben? It's not like anyone would be reading this anytime soon, but the possibility was there. And how would her feelings come across on paper? Would the reader think she was insane for trying to bring Ben back to the light?

Rey scoffed, pushing her journal away. Her hands massaged her neck as she stretched her head from side to side.

 _Maybe reading a Jedi's own account could help me determine what to write,_ she thought.

The books on the back shelves seemed to look the most recent. She picked one at random, opening to a section that depicted quality sketches of what appeared to be jewelry. But they all had an oddness of shape; a necklace that looked more like twisted piping, headdresses that were far too big for a person's neck to balance, gold sheeted bracelets that covered the forearms. But her eyes lingered on a ring. The band was plain enough, but the crystal that was placed atop it looked to be too out of place. It was large and multifaceted, sticking straight up and noticeable, the color blacker than the night sky during a new moon. Below the drawing was some writing:

**_Kyber crystal that has been corrupted and infused with pure dark side energy. Such a relic has been used to cloak one from the Cosmic Force, but the price upon the person's mental state makes it so Sith are even hesitant to use it. It was last rumored to be on Mandalore, but no one of great respect has seen it for over two thousand years._ **

As Rey stood in the dim light, reading and listening to the beginnings of rain outside, an uneasy feeling started to rise in her chest. Her skin tingled as a shiver ran up her spine, like her body was trying to tell her something. She brushed it off, thinking that maybe it was because she was late for dinner.

Her stomach was starting to rumble.

Keeping her eyes turned down on the book, she rounded the shelving, walking in the direction of the table. A booming sound of thunder filled the room, causing her to glance up at the entrance.

Rey froze in place, letting the book fall from her hands.

Her heart hitched in her throat, refusing to let any air pass, the thoughts she'd been having disappearing as her mind went blank.

Standing at the bottom of the stairs was Kylo Ren, wearing his full regalia of black robes and foreboding mask. His hands balled into fists at the sight of her, but he made no move to grab the lightsaber from his belt.

Rey wasn't going to wait for him to do so.

She called the orb into her hand and shut it off, plunging the cavern into utter darkness. Her legs sprinted to the back wall while she tried to recall the general layout of the library. She placed the orb gently on the floor, grabbing for her saber, feet tiptoeing through the bookcases as she visualized where she was going.

Wanting to stay hidden, she wouldn't activate the saber unless she absolutely had to.

Her ears strained to hear any hints as to where Kylo was, but the heavy rainfall was masking any noise. 

Trying and failing, she couldn't get control her erratic breathing and pounding heart under control. Her hands shook as she held her lightsaber, but she willed herself to get closer to the exit, fighting through the fear. More than likely, he was hiding near the stairs, waiting for her to get close. But what other option did she have? She couldn't stay in here indefinitely; he would eventually find her. The only small hope was to sprint to the exit, hoping he was walking around trying to find her.

Mustering up the courage, she darted to the doorway, banking on Kylo being the type of person not to have enough patience to wait for his prey. Her foot made it to the third step when she suddenly felt a hand grasp her ankle. She lost her footing, the side of her head hitting against the rocky steps. He yanked her back to him as she tried to banish the dizziness from her mind.

Realizing her hand still held the saber, Rey ignited one end and swiped at his face, making contact across the side of his mask. He let go of her leg and she sprinted out into the pouring rain. Her eyes instantly saw the Falcon as she started to run towards it, but she stopped when she heard blaster fire from above.

_Luke._

_Chewie_.

She couldn't leave them, even if it meant giving up her only means of safety. Her legs hammered up the stairs as the rain soaked through her clothes, praying over and over for her friend and master to still be alive when she got there.

()()()()()

"Chewie! Go find Rey and get her out of here!" Luke yelled at the Wookie as he deflected blaster fire with his green plasma blade. Luke dove behind a boulder, kneeling next to Chewie and peeking out to see six black figures progressing toward their location. These were the Knights of Ren, which meant his nephew was somewhere on the island.

_Rey…._

What Luke thought would be a normal stroll before dinner had turned into a fight for survival. He hadn't even sensed the knights coming till it was too late. Either his nephew had grown more powerful and could hide his knights with the Force, or some of the knights were Force sensitive, trained in the skill of hiding their signature.

Chewie stood, aiming his bowcaster and firing off a few shots. One of the knights flew back into the rock face as Chewie knelt down for cover. Fire exploded to Luke's right, an immense amount of heat rolling across his face.

"Rrrraaaagh aaaaagghh."

Luke rubbed his hands against his features, feeling if his hair was still on his face.

It was.

"I'll be fine. I've been in worse situations, but Rey's in danger!" Suddenly, one of the warriors rounded the left corner. Luke shot out his hand, sending him flying into the darkness. He shot to the ground, barely missing the electrostaff that came at his head. The knight redirected the hit and Luke blocked the strike before it struck his midsection.

The fight became aggressive as the knight made Luke back up and block his onslaught of attacks. Luke waited for an opening and then Force pushed the warrior off to the side. The man landed light on his feet, obviously having some training in how to handle a Jedi.

The warrior sauntered into the darkness behind him, leaving Luke's searching gaze.

Luke glanced frantically over to Chewie. The Wookie was battling two dark figures, but seemed to be holding his own. His big furry foot landed in the middle of one of their chests, sending the knight sprawling backward. Chewie grabbed the other in a choke-hold and with one powerful tug, ripped the head straight off the man's shoulders, spinal chord whipping in the air.

Luke couldn't help appreciate having a Wookie on his side.

Upon seeing what Chewie had done, one of the remaining knights halted their advance, deciding to take on the Wookie from a distance. Luke heard one of them coming up to his side as he dodged the incoming electroblade. The knight swung it with proficiency, expertly parrying Luke's advance.

Luke attempted to Force push the warrior back, but the knight only slid a few steps.

This one was Force sensitive, and was going to be more of a challenge.

While he had a few seconds of a break, Luke's attention went back to Chewie. Him and another knight were firing at each other from behind there defensive positions, which left three unaccounted for. Luke's eyes drifted to the far rock wall, seeing movement half way up. A warrior was climbing to the top and Luke could see a blaster rifle strapped to his back.

_A sniper._

The Jedi Master didn't have any more time to scan the area as the knight advanced toward him again. Sparks flew off the elecroblade as their swords met in midair, Luke looking for the the upper hand. This knight was a master swordsmen and knew how to fight against a lightsaber. A feeling of dread washed over Luke as he saw that Chewie was pinned down in his position, unable to leave.

Luke's apprentice was all alone, and would have to fight his nephew with the little amount of training she had.


	12. Leave With Me

Light flashed across Kylo's helmet, blinding him for a moment while. The girl had swung her plasma blade right at his head. The masked malfunctioned, forcing him to let go of his hold on her. He gripped the sides of the helmet, pressing at the release mechanism as he listened to the scavenger sprint up the remaining steps and into the onslaught of rain.

The mask refused to budge.

He twisted it, scraping the metal against his skin and yanked it off his head. The slice across the helmet was ominous as he glared at it.

If the girl had applied any more pressure, she would have killed him.

Kylo pulled his shawl from around his neck and dropped both items to the floor. His mask clanked down the stairs, falling silent once it hit the cavern below. He took the stairs three at a time, emerging into the pelting rain of the storm.

The Falcon was straight ahead.

He froze, waiting to see the engines fire up. Nothing happened.

The ship was silent.

He skulked forward, striding through the beating wind as his stare snapped to the left. A small, dark figure was running up the island steps, straight for the sounds of blaster fire from above. The girl was no coward, but her heroics would lead to her downfall.

 _She should've fled on the Falcon while she had the chance_ , he thought as he went after her.

Kylo's long legs let him skip every other step, allowing him to close the gap between him and the scavenger quickly. His latched onto her through the Force and ripped her away from the stairs, causing her to soar in the air and tumble onto the steep hill off to the side. She clawed her body upright, turning to face him straight on.

Her soaked sleeveless shirt and grey capris were plastered to her body, showing her every curve and muscle as she tensed for a fight. She reignited the lightsaber, but this time, both ends shot out a citrine colored blade.

Kylo hesitated on the slope, eyeing the double-bladed weapon. He never had the pleasure of dueling against a saberstaff, and the girl held it to her side like she knew how to handle it. A sly smile played across his feral features as he stepped up to the challenge.

"Your face," the girl said, stunned. "The scar. You didn't have that in the dreams."

The churning wind threatened to topple him over, but he remained standing as he stalked forward. He wanted her to get a closer look at her handiwork, but instead, she spun around and bolted up the slope. He commanded the Force to pull her to him and was surprised when she only slid back a few feet, regaining her advancing momentum.

The scavenger was indeed a quick study if she was able to learn how to block Force telekinetics in such a short amount time.

Even attempting a Force stun on the girl was not guaranteed to work again.

Kylo hiked after her, his legs pumping as he sprinted up the steep slope. The girl disengaged her saber as she climbed over a short rock wall, darting out of sight. He Force jumped, clearing the cliff side with ease and landing directly in her path.

She slid down into the mud, attempting to halt her advancing movement before getting too close. Kylo ignited the saber as he swung down at the filthy body before him. The girl rolled to her side, his lightsaber hitting the ground, sizzling in the murky water. She swept his feet out from under him, his back meeting the hard ground, the impact expelling the air from his lungs. He deflected her incoming strike and kicked her hard in the ribs, her legs staggering to back up as she clutched at the side.

Pain flared up his midsection, like he was the one who had taken the blunt blow.

Kylo cursed to himself, realizing their connection was transferring her pain to him.

Mud covered his whole backside, causing his robes to be a weighted burden as he stood. While the girl knelt on one knee, still holding her stomach, he unbuckled his belt and tore off his outer robe. He squared off at her in his pleated under tunic, pants and boots. His left hand slicked his hair from out of his face, but the constant barrage from the downpour made his vision blurry regardless.

He attacked the girl directly, and this time, she didn't run.

Steam rose off of their blades as they both spun and lunged at each other. Kylo had to be twice as quick to duel both sides of her saber while trying to also gain the offensive lead.

She blocked the side swing to her back, redirecting his saber into the air. Her laser staff went for his knees, but he thwarted her advance. A bombardment of thrusts and parries ensued, both of them grunting against each block.

Kylo lost his footing on a loose rock, and the girl made use of the advantage by striking at his forearm. A burning ache shot up to his shoulder. Kylo hugged his arm to his body, seeing a singed hole in the tunic right above his wrist. Anger fueled his muscles as his hard swing made the girl lose hold of her saber hilt, causing it to fly against the boulder to the side. She called it back into her hand, but before she could ignite it, he backhanded her across the face, causing her to stumble.

Fire pulsated in his jaw and his vision blurred. It felt like a hammer had struck him on the right side of his face. He wobbled from side to side.

Retrieving his composure, he charged at the dazed girl, needing to desperately end this ongoing conflict.

All his life, the light inside of him had always been so in-tuned with the emotions of others. Kylo couldn't handle it anymore. He needed to be fully immersed into the dark side to prevent any sentimentality from influencing him. Killing the girl was how he was going to accomplish that.

He would finally be free from caring. Free from the _guilt._

The girl attempted to block his slicing swings, but she was too slow. He slashed at her midsection, burning her skin from her left hip, diagonally up to her ribs. She grabbed her stomach as he mirrored her same movements. He paused, gasping for breath from the torment racking his abdomen. A stream of water fell from his nose while he looked down at the muddied soil.

His spine straightened and he saw her horror-struck eyes looking at him. She forced herself to grip her saber, letting the bottom half of her shirt flap open in the wind, revealing the black saber burn and the bottom portion of her chest wrap.

The sound of engines made them both glance upward to see a fleet of First Order ships. Fear resonated from the girl as she watched the armada near the island. Off to the side, a convoy of X-wings swarmed in, engaging a portion of Tie fighters into an aerial fight.

()()()()()

"Ben."

Her voice was hoarse as she caught the man's attention. His lips curled up in a snarl, looking nothing like the man from her dreams. This was the monster Kylo Ren. When she'd first set eyes on him in the cavern, her plan of trying to reason with him had been tossed out into space.

It was all about survival now, but her body was slowly losing steam.

Loud blasts echoed over the island as the dog fights progressed above. He came at her and she tried to block him, but the blunt force of his blade just pushed her further back. He was exceptionally better than the last time they'd fought, and Rey started to realize just how lucky she'd been that he was injured on Starkiller.

This time, there would be no pleas to become his apprentice, no admissions of his desire to not kill her.

Her arms were weak and her legs were barley holding her up as she backed away from the nightmare before her. Every part of her body ached, and she was no longer able to block out the continuous sting of agony. A sob racked her body as she couldn't deny her epiphany any longer:

She was going to die on this island.

"Ben, please," she begged. "Don't do this. Killing me won't change anything." But her words bounced off of him as he kept advancing, each parry against his swings causing her to gasp out in disbelief and pain.

She'd come to care for the man called Ben. It was torture that every time she looked up at that monster's twisted expression, she saw _his_ face.

Life had dealt her a cruel blow by leaving Rey on Jakku at such a young age. She never had the opportunity to truly live like those people in her fairy tale books. There were so many things she wanted to experience before she checked out of this existence, and now, her time was up way sooner than she thought it would be.

It tore at her knowing that Kylo Ren was going to be the last person she would ever see. Killing her was going to destroy any remnants of Ben there was hidden behind that dark exterior, and that thought made her more terrified than the actual knowledge that she was going to die.

She gradually heard the clash of waves as he backed her up against the edge of the cliff, just like when they were on Starkiller.

Rey couldn't let him do this, but her strength was spent and she had no idea how to stop him from destroying them both.

But then... a thought.

"We could leave this place, Ben. You and me." His face remained sinister, but his body stopped from proceeding forward. "We could leave this war behind and go somewhere far away." A crack of lightening lit up the rocky terrain surrounding them. She couldn't believe what she was saying out loud, but she found that she absolutely meant it. It was selfish of her to be willing to leave Luke and Chewie behind, but if anyone could survive the battle unfolding on the island, it was a Jedi Master and a Wookie.

That's what she willed herself to believe, anyway.

Her breathing was heavy as sharp cries left her lips. She was crying, but the evidence was hidden behind the constant rain pour. As she sobbed openly in front of him, his face slowly slackened, as if he'd been living in an illusion and he'd just become aware of reality.

She attached the saber to her belt as her arms wrapped around her middle, the freezing wind and rain only now starting to make her shake. "I've only seen brief glimpses of you Ben, but I feel like I've known you my whole life... and I wish I didn't have to give that up." Her voice quaked as she took a few deep breaths, trying to compose herself with some sense of dignity at the end.

"If you feel like you have to do this, then do it. But I want you to look me in the eye as you kill me."

She tried to stand tall in the face of her upcoming fate, but her stomach burn screamed at her to stay slumped over. Instead, her eyes sharpened onto his, waiting for him to charge.

()()()()()

Kylo's mind was racing from what the girl had proposed.

Her offer had bore a striking resemblance to that of Han Solo begging him to come home. His resolve had faltered slightly on that bridge, but he didn't lend too much credence into Han's words. That man had abandoned him and lied to him, and Kylo had done too much up to that point in his life to turn back.

He didn't hold the same amount of animosity for the girl as he did for Han. He'd only just met her a mere week ago, and the only thing she'd done to him was scar his face and make him question his decisions. It was hardly enough to make him hate her on the same level as he despised his parents.

If it weren't for their bond, he would've thought she were lying in an attempt to save her life. But he could feel the sincerity behind her words. After everything he just did to her, all the pain he inflicted and the way he made her cry, here she was begging him to leave with her.

_No, she isn't begging me._

_She's begging Ben_.

There have been strange moments in his life where birds looked to be flying slower, trees bent at an odd shape, like they were pixelated. Not real. Now, his life was at a point where everything stopped, the rain, the wind, the fight overhead– yet he kept breathing, kept looking at her.

At Rey.

A second later, everything continued, but who he was before was now gone.

So many times over the years, he'd thought about leaving this dark life behind him. However, as he committed more and more atrocities, it made him fall deeper into the pit of his infinite self hatred. There was no way out and no one to help him with his inner conflict, but Supreme Leader Snoke.

He thought of his father on that bridge again. Ren had desperately wanted to believe that by committing patricide, he would free himself from the light that was his lineage. Killing his father would make it impossible to reunite with his family, and he needed that to not be an option in his life anymore. He couldn't have anything to fall back on.

But standing there in the rain, all he wanted was to be that little boy again, sitting in his father's lap on the Millennium Falcon, when they actually had a relationship. His master was wrong when he said killing his father would bring him closer to the dark side.

All it had really done was make the light in him stronger. He couldn't deny that anymore. Was tired from trying.

He stared at the girl, admiring the strength she was showing even though she truly believed she was going to die. His eyes roamed across her body and her now loose hair, seeing how completely beaten she was.

He'd done that to her.

Exhaustion swept over him.

He despised this person he'd become and the path he was on, but he'd kept going, thinking there was nowhere else for him to go. But now, a different path had made itself known when he desperately needed it. A path, he realized a few days ago, he'd secretly wanted to take, but thought it impossible since he believed the girl to detest every fiber of his being.

As it turned out, she completely abhorred the monster within, but yearned for the man who was once Ben Solo.

The girl, standing bravely before him, was his equal in every possible way.

She always had been.

Ren lowered the saber to his side and switched it off. A piece of truth hit his mind before he could deny it: he belonged with her, and that feeling of belonging was more pure and more real than anything he'd ever felt with Snoke. In what kind of capacity he would play in her life, he didn't know and he did not care. His very soul felt content with leaving his current path and being by her side.

A Tie fighter swooped down and fired it's laser canon between the two, flinging them further away from each other. Heat blasted against his face and he grunted as his body made contact with the dirt. He moved his jaw from side to side, trying to relieve the ringing from his ears. Gradually, he found his bearings as he teetered to his feet.

He turned his head and found Rey slowly raising herself up.

Movement off to Ren's left caught his eye. One of his knights, Theon, was sprinting towards the girl, his curved sword raised and ready to strike her down.

Adrenaline pumped through his veins and he launched his body at the knight. Seconds before Theon swung his weapon, Ren grabbed at his wrist and shoved the saber straight through the man's back. Rey jumped from the sudden appearance of the red blade sticking out of the knight's chest, scurrying back to the cliff edge, completely unaware of the impending danger.

She didn't stop.

Her hands shot out as her foot hit the open air. She tried to regain her balance, but her momentum had been too fast and she disappeared, plummeting down into the depths of the ocean.

"Nooooooo!" Ren screamed, disengaging the weapon and tossing the body aside. He ran to the ledge and sunk to his knees, searching among the dark and violent water.

He couldn't see her.

Ren's lungs started to burn, panic rising in his throat as he realized Rey didn't know how to swim.

She was drowning, and he was feeling it.

He was reliving his nightmare.

Tearing off his gloves, Ren pulled his pleated tunic over his head, leaving him in his black sleeveless undershirt and suspenders. Something off to the side shimmered, grabbing his attention.

It was her lightsaber.

He snatched the hilt and hurriedly unclasped the braces. He placed both the lightsaber's against his outer thigh, wrapping the suspenders around the two hilt's and tying them in place. He didn't have enough time to come up with a better plan than that.

Ren rose to his full height and eyed the distance between him and the sea. It was a long way down, but he didn't have a choice. He wasn't going to lose Rey mere moments after deciding to leave with her. He ran a good twenty feet away from the edge, wheeled around, and with all the strength he could will into his legs, gave himself enough momentum to launch himself into the cold air.

Wind rushed into his ears as he braced himself for impact, straightening his body to shoot down into the black water. The shock of the cold sea almost made him take an involuntary breath, but he forced back the urge. His arms stroked upwards, bringing him to the surface. His water-laden boots were making it hard to swim, but he didn't want to kick them off, nor did he have time to make sure he still had both the sabers.

Waves crashed over him, trying to pull him under, but he fought to stay afloat.

"Rey!" he yelled, spitting out a mouth full of salty water. "Rey!" He kept screaming her name but he never got a reply. Terror gripped him as he could feel her life slipping away. He dove under the water, frantically searching, praying he would see her.

Everything was dark.

A streak of lightening illuminated the sea below and for a second, he saw her floating under the water, nearing the jutting rocks. Her image was taken from him as she disappeared behind the curtain of black. He kicked and pushed himself over in that direction, his arms circling, trying desperately to find her. Something solid hit his hand and he grasped it, tugging it to him. Her body floated up against his torso as he wrapped his left arm around her waist, swimming up to the surface with his right.

A gale of spindrift hit his face as he broke to the surface, taking in huge gulps of air. Alarms rang in his mind when he didn't hear Rey gasping for breath. He searched along the base of the cliff until his eyes fell upon a shoreline in the distance.

He twisted to float on his back and positioned Rey to lay on top of him. His hand shot out, using the Force to propel them backwards to the beach. It took three more Force pushes till he skidded onto the pebbly sand.

Placing Rey quickly onto the ground, Ren shoved the brown hair out of her bruised face. Lips blue, she remained still and unresponsive.

He lowered his ear above her nose, not feeling or hearing her breathe. With his hands, he tilted her head back, opened her mouth, and forced in two sharp breaths. He then started giving her chest compressions. Unwillingly, his eyes roamed over the grotesque saber burn across her bare stomach.

He shook from the knowledge that he did that to her. That he quite possibly was going to lose her.

"Come on!" he shouted down at her.

Time ticked by and the rain just kept on pouring. Every time he cycled through the breaths and compression's, he could feel a part of himself dying. If she did not wake, he knew he wouldn't be able to keep on living. The bond between them was bending under the immense pressure of death, and soon, it was going to break, cutting him off from her forever.

Up on the cliff, he'd made the choice to join her and now it was suddenly being taken away from him.

He'd caused this to happen.

He was death, and everything he touched shriveled up and perished.

He stared at the hands pushing on Rey's chest. These were the hands he used to kill his own father, the man who helped create him. Even if he was a neglectful parent, Ren should have at least respected the man for giving him life. Instead, he let his master use and manipulate him into thinking he could never leave the First Order, that his destiny was to follow his grandfather's footsteps in bringing security to the galaxy. He knew his father was right when he'd spoken to him on that bridge, but he didn't actually accept it till right now.

"That won't save her." A young girl with strawberry blonde hair and palw skin stood in front of him, looking down at an unconscious Rey. The rain fell through her, her ghostly visage softly glowing against the darkness.

Ren stopped with the compression's, shocked and confused over seeing the little girl. Then his eyes drifted to Rey's pale features, suddenly knowing what he needed to do.

He cupped her small forehead with one hand while the other palm hovered above her chest. His heavy breaths evaporated into the chilly night air as he closed his eyes to concentrate. Envisioning the water in her lungs, Ren commanded each ocean particle to move with his hand. Steadily, his palm drifted up her sternum, passed her neck and to her mouth, the water following the meticulous movement. With a sharp motion, his hand tightened into a fist and his arm shot out into the air, pulling the water out of her lungs and falling upon the sand.

Rey's eyes snapped open as she gulped in big bursts of air, her limbs thrashing in panic.

Ren scooped her under the arms and sat her upright, letting her cough into his neck and shoulder as he held her.

Glancing up briefly, he searched for the little girl.

She was gone.

He would have to think about that some other time, though. The list of things he needed to work through was quickly piling up and he felt it weighing heavily on the back of his mind, but all he wanted to do right now was focus on Rey.

She stiffened, slowly drawing back, craning her head up to lock eyes with his. Realizing who it was that was holding her, her eyes filled with terror and she ripped herself out of his arms, scooting and dragging herself across the rocky beach.

"No. Please." He stretched out his hand, eyes pleading for her not to be afraid. "I won't hurt you." She froze, growing confused. "I'll never hurt you again. I swear it on my life."

Rey's brows shot up, her mouth slackening.

He tried to press the truth behind his words through their bond and from the way she relaxed, the message seemed to have been received.

The sudden cry that came from his mouth startled him, but he couldn't stop the tidal wave of emotions that hit him full force. He sat back on his heels, feeling the sabers against his thigh as he hung his head in his hands. Sob after sob shook through his body and he lost all sense of control. He was so overwhelmed to see that Rey was alive, that witnessing how she reacted to him cemented his one belief: he was a monstrous human being with nowhere to go.

A soft hand touched his own and lowered it to his lap. Rey gazed at him with those big, soft hazel eyes, her fingers brushing the hair from his face. Her bottom lip and cheek were severely swollen, and a light trickle of blood flowed over her left temple.

His hands hovered close to her wounds, not sure if he should touch her or not. "I'm… so… sorry…" he said in between erratic breaths.

Those words did not seem to be enough to convey how he felt, but he didn't know what else to say.

She threw her arms around his shoulders and he buried his face in the crook of her neck. He held onto her and pulled her closer, crying into her wet hair.

In the midst of the rain, there was nothing but Rey…no past, no future, nothing but their bodies holding onto one another. Time had no connotation and materials had no affluence and other events held no interest.

The continuous rubbing of his back transfixed him, making him feel like a small child as he concentrated on her small palm. She... was comforting him, even though she was the one who had drowned, not him.

He pulled back and cupped her face gently, gazing at her passionately. "Are you alright? How do you feel?" She held onto the wide hands cradling her cheeks and gave him a shy grin before wincing from the welt on her lip.

"My throat feels like I just swallowed a bucket of sand and my chest feels bruised, but I'll live. Thanks to you." Her voice definitely sounded scratchy to his ears.

Thumbs caressing her cheek as guilt spread throughout his body, his breathing began to even out. Stars, he didn't even stop to think about the amount of pressure he applied behind those compressions. He'd put all his weight behind his hands and was shocked to hear she only felt bruised. More than likely, she'll feel worse later.

He did this to her.

"This is all my fault. I–"

"Stop. Your guilt is starting to overwhelm me." Her eyes blinked in short successions as she shook her head in between his calloused hands, attempting to fight off the bombardment of his emotions. "What matters is that you saved me." Her hand slid through his hair and then came back to trace the scar across his face.

"I couldn't lose you," he confessed. "Not after you gave me a way out. Not after you... saw me."

The feel of her fingers on his skin felt so good, so _right_. "We've both hurt each other," she admitted. "But that part of our lives is over. Now we move forward. Together. Agreed?" He nodded, unable to speak. She'd used the words _we_ and _our_ and _together_. They'd be together.

For the first time in his twenty-nine years of existence, someone had genuinely included him in their plans for the future, and he couldn't believe his luck that that person was the beautiful woman staring right at him.

()()()()()

A thunderous shock-wave rippled across the island from an explosion overhead.

Ben and Rey glanced up to the massive cliff side, seeing the sky glowing in the distance. Rey'd been so caught up in the moment that she completely forgot that there was a battle unfolding on the island.

But the distraction had been a good one.

She couldn't believe Ben had saved her in the end and was now kneeling before her. The last thing that ran through her mind before she blacked out was how she'd never again see Ben look at her like he did in their dreams. Then, her mother's face flashed into her thoughts right as the dark abyss swallowed her whole.

Rey went back to studying Ben's bloodshot eyes.

Something had always been absent from Rey's life. She continued to feel that way even after she started to train with Luke. But now, with Ben's wide palms on her cheeks, she felt complete. He was that missing piece of the puzzle she never stopped searching for, and she could sense just how perfectly he would fit into the enigma that was her life.

Now she needed to make sure he stayed Ben.

If he didn't, it would break her.

"We need to get out of here," she said, new vigor in her voice. "Help me up." Ben snaked his arm around her waist and hoisted her to her feet, but her vision suddenly became fuzzy and her knees gave out from under her. Ben quickly caught her, hoisting her up in his arms and holding her close, giving her some much needed warmth.

Rey held her head, feeling like it would fall apart if she didn't.

"My ship shouldn't be far from here," he told her. "I landed it on the only strip of beach the island offered." She nodded her head, focusing on not passing out. Her body seemed to be catching up to how much damage it had taken, and it was now punishing her for letting it happen.

Ben walked over to the rocky bluff so they weren't out in the open, jogging in the direction of his ship. Rey could tell he was trying not to jostle her around by going at a slow pace, which she did appreciate... but she wanted to get out of here.

Right when she was about to tell him to start sprinting, Ben's boots slid across the sand as he came to a full stop. Rey peeked out from under her hands to see the reason for the pause: a man, standing only twenty feet away. He wore a bright orange jumpsuit with the overlay of a white vest, holding some sort of cloth against the side of his dark brown hair.

He seemed as surprised as they were to run into another human being.

Rey dropped her hands, fully looking at the man she recognized. "Poe?"

Poe stepped forward, squinting his eyes at her. A huge grin spread across his face once he comprehended who had said his name.

"Rey!" He ran to her, dropping the bloodied cloth on the sand and hugged her awkwardly while she was still in Ben's arms.

Ben's grip on her tightened.

"We were so worried about you!" Poe pulled away, rambling from excitement. "Skywalker and Chewie were caught battling those warrior guys and we didn't know where the hell you were."

"Are they okay?" she asked, heart skipping a beat.

"Oh, yeah. They're fighting with the rest of the Resistance, last I checked." She couldn't help but relax upon hearing the good news, but now she grew curious as to how the Resistance knew to come here in the first place.

"Why are you here?" she asked.

"Well, apparently Kylo Ren is still alive and kicking," Poe said bitterly. "Artoo sent us a distress call that you guys needed help against him and his knights. We flew in just as the First Order arrived. I called for more back up, but my ship had already taken a hit by then and I had to eject." Poe's eyes popped wide open. "BB-8 ejected as well and I've been trying to find him. Have you seen him?"

"What!?" Rey exclaimed. "He's somewhere on the island?"

Poe nodded wildly. Rey began to panic for the little droid, that he might be lost or worse... gone. During their adventure together, she'd grown so very fond of BB-8. Protective, even.

She craned her head up to Ben's, meeting his eyes. "I think I can stand on my own now."

"Are you sure?"

She bobbed her head in assurance. He lightly placed her feet on the sand, still holding her waist to catch her just in case she fell.

"Holy shit, Rey," Poe breathed out, eyeing her, bewildered. "You look _bad_."

"It looks worse than it is." She felt another wave of guilt and regret wash over her from Ben as she tried to make her injuries seem less serious.

But she knew they were bad.

"Who did this to you?" Poe asked, demanding an answer. "Your shirt is hanging on by a thread and your stomach... it's burned! And your face..."

She tried to close the two ripped sides of her tunic closed, but the wind kept pulling them open. Ben's grip left her waist and she glanced back to see that he was taking off his undershirt and carefully placing it over her, helping to snake her arms through the sides. The rest dropped almost to her knees, making it look like she was engulfed by an oversized black dress.

At least her midsection and part of her chest wrap weren't showing anymore.

But now Ben's shirtless torso was demanding her attention and Rey needed to look away before it became too obvious that she was ogling him.

Poe stepped up to her, pushing the question. "Seriously Rey, what the hell happened? Did you fight Kylo? Where is he?" Rey was now wishing she hadn't ran into Poe, because she had no idea how to explain the situation to him. Ben was a statue behind her, letting her figure out how she wanted to handle the growing problem.

The left side of her ribs suddenly ached and she placed her right hand over the throbbing, trying to lessen the pain.

Loud blasts and explosions filled the silence as Rey tried to find a good explanation. She watched Poe finally look at Ben. He scrunched his eyebrows in confusion.

_If only the Force could make you become invisible…._

"Who are you? I know everyone in the Resistance, but I don't recognize you." The tension in the air thickened as Rey placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Poe." He tore his questioning gaze from Ben and glanced down at her. She took in a big gulp, forcing it down her constricted throat. "This is Ben. He saved me from drowning."

"Drowning? Why were you in the water?" His eyes went from her to Ben, his blinking rapidly increasing. She knew this was not going to turn out well and she wasn't prepared for it.

"Who are you?" Poe's voice was loud as he directed the question firmly at Ben. Poe tried to take a step around Rey, but she held her grip on his shoulder while at the same time hugging her ribs with the other.

"Poe, I need you to calm down." Poe's jaw tightened as he became visibly angry. She turned to Ben, seeing his eyes take on a dark and threatening stare, which was not helping to calm the agitated pilot.

"Some of our ground troops found Kylo Ren's mask in that library." Poe let that little fact hang in the air for a moment. "You aren't with the Resistance," he stated more than questioned.

This time, Rey waited for Ben to answer. She tried to pick up his emotions, but she was now getting nothing.

"No."

"Who are you?" Clearly, Poe knew who he was, but he needed Ben to say it.

Rey moved her body so it was directly between them.

"You know who I am," Ben told him. Poe froze for only a fraction of a moment before pouncing at the man. Rey pushed Poe back, not knowing where her strength was coming from, but thankful that she had any at all.

"Stop! Poe!" She yelled over the booming sound of thunder. Poe shuffled back, looking between the two with a glint of fury in his eyes.

"Rey, you need to get away from him. He'll kill–"

"You don't understand the situation." She pointed at him, her voice taking on a defensive tone.

Poe froze, dumbstruck.

"I don't understand? This guy is a fucking monster! He tortured us both, killed his own father, and had a hand in the annihilation of the Hosnian System. Billions of people's lives are on his hands!" Hearing Poe lay out Ben's crimes definitely made her stomach tighten. She couldn't defend the awful things he's done, even though she could feel Ben's immense regret suddenly hit her.

That was when she knew that no one was ever going to fully understand what was going on between her and Ben, except for the two of them. She realized if she tried to explain it to other people, they would think he'd somehow brainwashed her or had her under his control.

Then they would try to take her away from him, thinking they were saving her.

Rey wasn't sure how it happened, but a blaster pistol appeared in Poe's hand, pointing directly behind her. Ben grabbed Rey's wrist, moving her back with him.

"Yeah, lets see if you can freeze a blaster bolt this close to your face." Poe's features contorted, his chest rising and falling at an accelerated rate. Ben slowly lifted his opened hand, making Rey think he was going to use the Force somehow... but nothing happened.

"I don't want to hurt you, but if you keep pointing your weapon at me, I will." Although Ben was trying to keep a calm exterior, his voice was deep and threatening.

Rey needed to wring this whole situation in before it became a blood bath.

"Poe, you need to find BB-8, remember?" Poe's anger started to shift to worry as she reminded him of his precious droid. "We can help you search for him."

"What?"

"What?"

Both men snapped at her at the exact same time, albeit for different reasons.

"I'm not having _him_ help me with anything!" Poe shook the muzzle at Ben, but his grip seemed to be faltering. Ben ignored the pilot as he stepped in front of Rey, his back now facing Poe, not caring about the weapon as he gently placed his hands on her arms.

He gazed at her, concerned. "You don't seem to understand just how injured you are. You need to get to the ship and forget about this droid."

Rey lifted her chin in defiance. "I do understand, but I can't leave here till I know BB-8 is safe. So you can either come with me, or you can go to the ship and leave."

Ben was taken aback with disbelief. "You think I could leave you? After everything that just happened?" He shook his head, water droplets flying off his raven locks. "I go where you go."

The side of her lips turned upward, showing the dimples in her cheeks.

"Looks like you'll finally find that droid after all," Rey said. Ever so slightly, she saw the tiniest grin form on his face.

Smiling didn't seem to come too naturally to him.

She was would have to fix that.

()()()()()

"What the fuck is going on here Rey?" the man asked in a not too kind tone. Ren turned back around to face the puzzled pilot.

His bare chest and back left him exposed to the elements, which he wasn't used to. He liked feeling completely covered, but Rey was more in need of his undershirt than him. At least Poe's blaster pistol was at his side now, though Ren could see that he was still itching to use it.

"Ben left the First Order," Rey said confidently.

His weight shifted between his legs as Poe eyed him up and down.

It was surreal to hear those words be spoken out loud, for he never thought he would become a deserter. He couldn't help but still feel very loyal to the First Order, and he had to stop himself from instinctively contradicting Rey. But now, he technically was a traitor. He had purposefully gone against his master's orders to kill the girl, and was now trying to protect her.

No matter what Snoke did to him in the future, he would never hurt the girl again.

 _Rey. I will never hurt Rey again_ , he mentally corrected himself. He was still trying to get used to using her name instead of calling her _girl_ , or _scavenger_ , or _garbage picker_ , or any of the other litanies of degrading labels he'd given her.

And the fact she kept using his birth name made him increasingly uncomfortable. But the way she would say it seemed reverent, like it was something special to her. He didn't know if he should take that away from her or not.

"Since when?" Poe asked incredulously.

"Uhhhh…" Ren watched Rey stumble over the technicalities of how long he'd been a traitor. "I guess since fifteen minutes ago?" she answered somewhat timidly.

 _Sounds about right_ , he thought as he ran his hands through his soaked hair. Poe scoffed, not impressed in the slightest.

"Look, you two can stay here and glare at each other all you want, but I'm gonna go find BB-8," Rey declared, turning on her heels and marching off in the direction they'd originally been going. Ren instantly followed suit, knowing she wouldn't give up this quest to find the droid until it was complete.

He got the sense that she was just as stubborn as him when she wanted to get something done.

He heard the pilot curse before running through the mud to catch up. "I've already gone this way. There's no way up the cliffs." Poe spoke directly at Rey, ignoring Ren's looming presence. If it helped the pilot stay calm, he could ignore Ren as much as his heart desired.

He noticed Rey starting to clutch her side more fervently, grimacing every time she moved. The way she wobbled while walking made him conclude that she had at least one broken rib, possibly two. Ren had never really interacted with women before, but he somehow new if he brought up heading to the ship again, she would snap at him.

They needed to find this droid as quickly as possible so he could look over her injuries before they worsened.

"I have an idea, but you," Ren nodded to Poe, "are not going to like it. But it will get us up the cliff side in a matter of seconds."

Poe crossed his arms, trying to hide his intrigue behind the disgust he outwardly showed toward Ren. He took Poe's silence as means to continue. "I Force push you up and over the cliff." Both Poe and Rey were flabbergasted by the crazy idea, but Ren thought it was the best option they had.

Poe started to argue about trust and the possibility of Ren killing him on purpose, but Ren cut his tirade short. "You want to find your droid or not? This is the fastest option."

"And what makes you so sure you can do it?" Poe challenged.

"I did it when I arrived here." Ren countered. The purpose for landing on the beach had been to conceal his arrival and once off the ship, he didn't want to waste time trying to find a path that led up the precipice.

So he'd taken the shorter route.

"Ben's right." Rey chirped in. "Lets do this. I can go first."

"You're actually going to go up with me," he explained. "I'll push the pilot up first."

"Great." Poe rubbed his face and stared at the ground, weighing his options. "This is just great."

Ren was growing impatient and needed to move this plan of his along. "What's it going to be, pilot?"

Poe's stare broke away from the sand and went directly on Ren.

Poe muttered something indecipherable under his breath and nodded his head. "Just do this quickly before I change my mind." 

_My thoughts exactly_ , Ren mused.

His hands came up, raising the pilot's body to levitate in the air. Force Telekinesis could drain a lot of strength from the one implementing it, so Ren decided to shoot Poe directly into the air and stop him before he hit the ground. Trying to guide the pilot slowly onto the cliff might not leave enough immediate Force energy to get both him and Rey over the rocky ledge.

He shot Poe into the cold, rainy air, watching him arch up and over the ledge before carefully lowering him the rest of the way.

Ren closed his eyes, inhaling a deep breath.

"Our turn?" Rey's excitement was evident on her innocent features, and he wondered if she enjoyed participating in such high-stake activities. Her eagerness to get up the cliff certainly made it seem like she did, and he couldn't help liking that about her.

"I'm going to need you to wrap your arms around my neck and your legs around my waist. I need to concentrate the push from both my hands and feet to make it up there." Her eyebrow arched as she appeared to be thinking over his instructions. She walked up to him, and he noticed a small limp in her right leg.

_When did that start?_

As time continued to pass and her adrenaline continued to lessen, she was starting to reveal injuries he didn't know she had acquired.

She wrapped her arms around the front of his neck, burying her head in his hair and swung her legs around him, clasping her boots together against his lower back. A small grimace escaped her lips as she adjusted herself to get a tighter hold on him.

He froze in place as she basically climbed his body like a tree. He'd meant for her to get on his back, but he must not have made that evident to her. The position she took on him felt extremely provocative, which clearly escaped her notice. It also didn't help that he was shirtless and could feel her pressed up against his bare skin.

"Will this work?" she whispered in his ear.

"Uh huh." His voice hitched in his throat, which hopefully alluded her.

Putting her position on him aside, it was still extremely weird to have someone so openly touch him. Even after everything that happened, she seemed completely comfortable in wrapping herself around him. He kept expecting her to start screaming and running away from him in terror.

The girl really was strange if she already trusted him so much.

But then again, he was odd in his own right.

"Hurry up!" Poe yelled down at them. "It's a complete shit show up here!" 

"Hold on as tight as you can," Ren muttered. Rey lifted her head, craning her face to his as their noses almost touched from the closeness. He rubbed her back as they gazed at each other. "Ready?" She nodded and put her head back onto his shoulder. He craned his head up, concentrating on the cliff above. 

He took a deep breath and put as much power behind his push as he possibly could. His left arm clasped onto Rey's waist, pulling her tightly against him as they soared up into the night. They arched over the cliff side, beginning the descent to the ground. His right palm shot out, slowing them so he could gently place his feet on the terrain.

Up ahead was utter chaos.

A full-blown battle had taken over most of the island, while the aerial dogfights had moved over to the ocean on the opposite side of where they'd been. Craters blanketed the once peaceful landscape and bodies were lying everywhere. Rey released her hold on Ren and stood by his side, eyeing their next obstacle.

Looking at the scene ahead, it seemed highly likely the droid was now pieces of scrap metal.

Ren was tempted to just swing Rey across his shoulder and get the hell out of there, even if she was kicking and screaming. But he couldn't take her away from something that was so important to her.

He pulled both the lightsaber's out of the tightly woven suspenders against his leg and offered her her saber hilt. She looked up at him as she took it, showing him silent gratitude through her eyes. Hopefully the weapons weren't too water logged and would still function properly.

Rey grasped her lightsaber, readying herself for an attack. If Rey wasn't going anywhere, neither was he.

"So, _pilot_." He addressed Poe to his right. "You have a plan?"


	13. Who Was He Now?

The good news: no one seemed to have noticed the three of them standing at the cliff edge.

The bad news: they quickly realized they were on the wrong side of the battlefield.

The First Order stood between them and the Resistance, but getting to the Resistance was on the bottom of Ren's to do list. Avoiding the Resistance, however, was very close to the top.

The trio knelt behind a group of jutting rocks, taking a reprieve from the biting wind and from being seen by a random trooper. No one spoke, which was irksome given the gravity of the situation. Since Rey seemed to really trust this pilot, Kylo had been waiting for him to voice some type of plan... or a suggestion... or even a thought. They didn't have the luxury of time, so if the man didn't offer up some sort of strategy in the next sixty seconds, Ren would forcibly take the lead.

Stars, what was he thinking? He preferred being in control at a time like this.

But he wanted to focus on keeping Rey alive.

Ren needed the pilot to come through.

From untrained eyes, there seemed to be no method to the madness, but Ren knew that the unorganized ships and troops were just back up for the main fight ahead. First Order transporters were sporadically placed over the terrain while storm and flametroopers pushed ahead, ducking between rock walls and boulders for cover as they neared heavy fire. The island was small, the land uneven from the sharp stone barriers and deep valleys, which put everyone at a disadvantage when it came to gaining vantage points.

Glancing to the left, a steep rocky hill blocked him from seeing a full view of the battle.

Ren was really starting to hate the island.

"We should move along the outside of the transports while searching for BB-8," the pilot suggested. "And keep you ears open for any high pitched binary."

Ren listened as Poe voiced his strategy, if you could call it that. Basically they were going to walk around and hope to the fates they didn't get caught... or killed. And they were doing all this for a worthless droid? Ren could understand if it was for an actual living person, but no, this was all for a BB unit that was more than expendable. Hell, he'd give Rey the credits to purchase a similar one so they could get out of here.

But something about Rey's darting eyes and thin lips told him that the search wasn't over the inflating costs of droids, but because she genuinely cared about the astromech.

Sentiment was an unwise emotion during–

Rey's palm came upon his shoulder, reminding him that he was already caught in the thick feeling of compassion he held for her. With every passing moment, the emotion became more entangled with his small sense of morality.

Shifting his eyes away, Ren could feel as her stare bore into his face. In that moment, he was sharply aware how extremely exposed he was without his tunics and helmet. He missed the layers immensely – not just for the cover they provided, but for the status they exuded. If only he still had them, he could casually walk through the ranks of stormtroopers and look for the damn droid, making this whole situation infinitely simpler.

And quicker.

"How do you now the droid didn't end up in the water?" Ren asked as they surveyed the bustling troops below.

Poe took offense to the more than logical question and snapped at him. "I just know. I would have felt something if he wasn't alright."

The pilot was not Force sensitive, so his reply came off as ridiculous and laughable. There was also the fact that droids were not technically alive, so even if Poe had the Force, he wouldn't be able to sense the well being of a bunch of electrical parts. Ren was about to give the guy a much needed lesson when Rey suddenly spoke up.

"We should start moving then," she said. "The faster we find BB-8, the sooner we can get far away from this place."

Ren sensed that the other two were purposefully not paying credence to the obvious concern of the situation: What if they didn't find the droid? Do they leave or die on this island looking for something insignificant? Well, insignificant to only him, apparently. Seriously, Ren was surprised there was anyone left in the Resistance since they all seemed to be far too heroic to realize what did and didn't matter in a life and death situation.

But, he'll admit, there'd been times when he irrationally let his emotions get the best of him and had rushed head on into a battle.

So in the end, he'd been just as foolish in the past as the Resistance members seemed to be presently.

The thought did not sit well with him as he already experienced enough epiphanies today to give him a migraine.

They kept themselves low as they circled near the edge of the island, Rey ghosting close to his side, her hand still on his bare shoulder. The wind seemed to be dying down as the turbulence subsided, relieving his face from the constant sting of the frigid downpour. Each step suctioned his boots further into the mud, almost causing him to lose balance over the terse movement it required not to get stuck.

The pilot and Rey weren't experiencing the same problem, and he deduced it was due to his bigger mass and heavier weight.

However, Rey was having trouble bending over due to the lighsaber burn to her abdomen, causing her hands to catch herself before falling completely into the gritty sludge below. Grabbing her muddied hand, Ren roped her arm around the back of his neck while clutching her waist to offer extra support. Poe, leading the small group, glanced back and crinkled his forehead upon seeing Rey rely on him.

The guy would have to get used to it, because Ren was not letting go.

Sloppy footsteps came from up ahead, abruptly forcing them to hide behind an empty transporter ship. Rey grunted as he flattened their backs against the durasteel exterior, reminding him that he needed to be more gentle with her.

They were at the back of the transport as Ren peeked around the rear, watching as a few stormtroopers rifled through the ship. They were gathering T-7 ion disruptor rifles, which made Ren glad he was on the other side of this metal wall. Being shot with one of those didn't just kill you, it obliterated your flesh and bones into tiny increments, making it impossible for your remains to be identified without the help of your DNA.

Poe came up beside him, curious as to what was making the noise inside the transporter. "Ion disruptor rifles?" he muttered. "Those are supposed to be illegal!" Ren shot the pilot a contentious glare, but the guy kept his eyes on the weaponry as he cursed under his breath.

Ren pivoted back, leaning his body against the ship. He glanced at Rey as she released the hold on him and wrapped her arms around her middle, her face falling into a pallor hue that wasn't healthy. An idea trickled into his mind. He was clueless to know if it would work, but he didn't see any other option that would allow Rey to feel rejuvenated.

Concentrating on her huddled form, he lent her his arsenal of strength, gladly parting with it while trying to envision the transfer of power going across the bond that connected them. Color instantly returned to her cheeks and lips as she jolted upright, looking surprised at the unexpected boost to her weak body.

"We need to stop them from using those rifles," Poe harshly whispered. Ren snapped his attention to the pilot, deciding he'd have to explain to Rey later as to what just happened between them.

"We're here to find the droid, nothing more," Ren scolded, his lips curling down in disapproval. His veins scalded from the boiling frustration that pumped through his body, burning his skin to give him a false sense of warmth.

"Those rifles," Poe hotly pointed behind him, "are illegal for a reason. They make organic material explode. I can't let them be used on the Resistance." Ren opened his mouth to argue, but Poe was already up and moving to the open part of the ship.

Ren stood there, shocked, not moving. _If he wants to get himself killed, fine with me_ , he told himself inwardly. One less Resistance member was a _very_ acceptable outcome.

But then Rey suddenly stood and darted after the pilot, immediately changing his plans of staying incognito and pulling him towards the terrible urge to protect her.

Ren heard the blaster fire before rounding on the fight, taking a fraction of a second to survey the scene. What they thought were only three stormtroopers on the ship turned out to be roughly a dozen. Where the rest had been hiding, Ren did not know and he didn't have time to find out.

His lightsaber twirled in front of him and Rey, blocking the steady stream of fire. The crates on the ship provided them minimal cover as the troopers pressed forward. Poe was off to the left, exchanging fire with three of the advancing soldiers. The rest were focused on him and Rey hiding behind the platocrete crates.

He looked down at Rey, seeing only one side of her saber ignited. Her eyes were focused and her body was ready for a fight. "Stay here," he ordered. "I'm going to take out the stormtroopers."

"I'm coming with you!" she countered.

"Do you know how to repel or freeze blaster fire?"

Frustration pulled at her features. She didn't speak. The silence was all Ren needed for her to admit that she still had much to learn.

Before they had a chance to get in a verbal altercation, Ren jumped from his defensive position and took the offensive approach toward the stormtroopers. The unstable red blade blocked each bolt that fired his way as he came upon the first trooper. Violently, he sliced the armored soldier in half and then shoved his free hand forward to push three more into the air. He slid to the side, lancing a trooper right through the heart.

Ren was in his element and it felt so comforting to have that rush of power flowing through him again. The Force was his to command, and right now, he wanted it to help fill his wanton needs.

He froze a blaster bolt mere inches from his face, languidly turning to view the last remaining trooper who had pulled the trigger.

The soldier shook with visible fear. Ren drank in the familiar sight, breathed in that sweet scent that ignited his brain. The trooper tossed the blaster rifle to the ground and held his hands up to surrender, but Ren couldn't stop himself now.

Without the use of his hands, he constricted the troopers windpipe, commanding the Force to apply more pressure. The soldier gurgled for air as he clawed at his throat, trying to free himself from Ren's control. It was futile.

He granted the trooper his freedom when he decisively snapped the man's neck, letting him crumble to the rain soaked ground.

()()()()()

Grave.

And not as in serious. As in dead bodies laying about in their final resting place; as in fate had just paid the fallen a visit in the form of death... in the form of the bastard called Kylo Ren.

Well, maybe as in serious, too.

Poe had killed the three stormtroopers he'd been fighting and was now standing off to the side of the monstrous man that somehow looked even more domineering without a shirt on. The guy had been a one person army, cutting through a group of troopers with malicious accuracy and not even breathing heavily during the process. Like it had all been an exercise his muscles had memorized from years of practice. His movements had been mesmerizingly fluid, but powerful and ruthless, a perfect mixture for making one man look like a battalion. Kylo really was extremely talented with that saber of his; the rumors sure hadn't lied.

Though, the performance did make Poe wonder if he was next to be cut through the midsection.

As Poe watched the man square off against the last trooper, he went cold, his eyes unable to shift away from the disturbing show ahead. The soldier had been surrendering when he suddenly started to choke and grab at his neck, scratching at his windpipe to find some reprieve. Poe glanced at Ren and knew from the dark void in those eyes that he was the one causing it to happen... wanting it to happen. The gurgling, the gasps, the scraping of armor was going on far longer than Poe could tolerate. He couldn't stand to watch even the enemy be tortured in that way. He was just about to yell out when he was stopped by the brutal snap of the troopers neck. The stomach contents rose in his throat upon hearing the sickening crack, burning the soft tissue along the journey, but thankfully, he held it down.

The trooper fell to the ground, splashing into the mud before going still.

Poe had witnessed Kylo Ren's brutality before, when he and his troops had attacked the peaceful people of Tuanul on Jakku. Poe watched him murder Lorr San Tekka and listened, helpless, as the vile man gave the order to have the village slaughtered. Hearing the villagers screams and pleas for mercy as they died had almost caused Poe to black out on the transport ship.

Gods, he could hear them even now, just like how he heard them in his dreams.

Blinking to clear that harrowing memory, he watched as Ren slipped into the visage of a starving beast, looking at the newly dead like it was a feast for his empty stomach. To have the man maskless... was disturbing. Poe could dehumanize the demon that was Kylo Ren quite easily, since he'd never seen his face. But seeing the glint of satisfaction the man had received as he tortured that trooper made Poe sick. Witnessing how demented the bastard actually was kinda made one want to go invisible and get your memory wiped.

_How can a human being enjoy doing something like that? More importantly, how can this person be General Organa's son?_

Rey stepped away from the crate, holding her fully ignited saber while staring holes into Ren's back.

She. Was. Livid.

Kylo turned to face her, his sadistic face melting into something that looked like… shame? He lowered his head, looking down at the space between him and Rey. She limped forward, looking like she was about to yell at him, but didn't. Taking it all in, Poe got an eyeball full of the pair, watching as Ren raised his line of sight and just stared down at the girl. It was like they were having some covert conversation with there eyes that only they knew the language to.

Poe was growing more and more confused.

Kylo Ren turning away from the First Order? Saving Rey? Protecting her? It all seemed completely out of the realm of reality, but Poe couldn't deny what he was seeing with his own eyes: something was going on between the two of them. Something that felt… intimate.

Intimate? That couldn't be right. It sounded too dirty. Too sexual.

From taking one look at Rey, it was clear those two had dueled and that she'd been the one losing. Kylo barely had a scratch on him, while Rey... well, Poe had never seen a woman look so beaten. By how spent her strength seemed to be, she'd put up a fight. But if Kylo had been winning, why didn't he finish her? Something else must have happened, something significant enough to cause Rey to suddenly trust the man who'd been trying to kill her.

A flash of red light shot into the air, originating from somewhere over the hill and forming a crimson dome around part of the island. It landed just outside of where they stood, enclosing them inside. It was an energy shield, and it was now blocking canon fire from the Resistance.

Poe stepped off the transporter and walked over to the pair as they studied the red stream of energy feeding the shield.

"We should try to destroy the shield generator while we're here. Doesn't look too far away." Their attention turned to Poe, looking surprised, as if they'd completely forgotten his existence. "Yeah. I'm still here, by the way."

()()()()()

Rey's anger was getting worse.

After watching what Ben had done to the surrendering trooper and feeling the waves of darkness emanating from him, she couldn't help but realize that Ben and Kylo Ren were probably a package deal. They were so entwined together that she knew it would be difficult to tear the beast away from the man. But still, she would try.

She could still sense his booming pleasure over what he'd done and it made her want to slap him. The shameful expression he sported wasn't over the killing; it was for getting caught. Stars, for someone who felt disgusted upon seeing how much she'd feared him on the beach, he sure did love witnessing it in other people. The only thing that stopped her from reprimanding him was that she was at a loss for words... and she didn't feel like getting in an argument. Not right now.

"We need to stay with the plan of finding the droid," Ben reminded everyone. "We don't have time to disable the shield generator."

His statement was logical in that they should keep with finding BB-8, but Rey could feel his refusal to aid the Resistance behind his words.

And it irritated her.

"We can look for BB-8 on the way over. I'm not letting the opportunity to deactivate the shield pass us by," Poe argued, taking a step into Ben's personal space. Ben eyed the man up and down in a threatening way.

As if Rey was done listening to the two men counter one another, she turned away and walked straight for the rocky hill. The pain she'd been experiencing earlier was now masked by the strength she'd somehow obtained, but she knew it was only artificial. Her injuries were still there, waiting to cause her more suffering.

"Rey, you can't–"

"I'm helping the Resistance!" she yelled over her shoulder, cutting Ben off before he tried to order her around.

Poe ran after her. For the first time since the beach, Ben kept his distance. She was sure he could feel her irritation toward him through whatever this emotional connection was that they shared, and Rey actually felt grateful to have it at the moment. Shooting her emotions at him was way easier than verbalizing at the moment.

Rey lowered her stomach onto the ground once she got closer to the hill's peak, crawling the remainder of the way. Just because she could walk without feeling faint didn't mean all the pain was gone, though: her body jerked slightly from a series of spasms, reminding her that she had a nasty burn below Ben's undershirt. With the grace of rag doll, she made her way to the top while the two men followed suit. Poe took up the space between her and Ben as they peered over, their eyes roaming the scene before them.

Transports lined the bottom of the hill and stretched off to the right, lining the curve of the small valley. Among the transporters were blaster cannons, but they were unable to fire because of the shield. If Resistance fire couldn't get in, First Order blasts couldn't get out.

To the left were what appeared to be the front lines of the battle. Some Resistance fighters had pressed through the shield and were now engaging First Order troops within the red barrier, going in the direction of the generator. With it disabled, they would be able to unleash a tirade of fire upon the enemy from afar, which would aid in keeping their number of casualties low.

The shield generator was placed right in the middle of the transporters, far off from the ongoing battle. Thirty, maybe fifty stormtroopers guarded the area and, readying themselves in case of a fight. It was going to take the Resistance quite a bit of time before they could make it over there.

Feeling the brush of the chilly, damp air across her skin, Rey voiced what the two men beside her were not. "There's no way we can get to that generator. And Poe," she craned her head toward the pilot. "Finding BB-8 down there would be next to impossible."

Poe's hard stare didn't leave the scene below as he reluctantly agreed with her. "Maybe the Resistance has him. You never know," Rey added, trying to console him, but finding she was not really good at it. No surprise there, given how she'd lived a lonely existence most of her life.

"We should get to Ben's ship and get out of here," she stated as the new plan. It was hard for her to admit it, but after witnessing just how vast the battle was, she knew that if they went down there it would mean death. And Rey very much felt like living.

She caught Ben's gaze as he looked over at Poe's tense, yet sorrowful expression. If thoughts could be written across someone's eyes, Ben's would read "I told you so". Yes, they had wasted time going after BB-8, but if they hadn't tried, Rey would have regretted it for the rest of her life.

Hopefully, the rest of her life didn't stop on this island.

"What do you wanna bet those are missile launchers in that crate by that transport?" Poe pointed down the hill, ideas spinning in his brain. Rey followed his hard gaze down the hill, her sight landing on an opened crate full of what appeared to be rocket launchers.

"You'd be betting your life if you went down there to grab one," Ben grumbled as he twisted to go back down the slope. But Poe didn't heed Ben's warning. Instead, he bolted down the hill as Ben and Rey looked at the pilot, wide eyed and stunned at the unanticipated production.

()()()()()

Poe ran down the steep hill like gravity had been kicked up a notch, eyeing the area around the crates for any troopers.

None were around. They all seemed to be too engaged with the battle to have bothered leaving someone behind to guard the weaponry.

 _Sweet_.

Momentum going too fast to stop on his own, his body slammed into the wide crate, rattling his senses. No time to bitch and complain about the impact; he had to get moving. He dipped his hand inside and pulled out a PLX-1 portable missile launcher.

 _Dammit_ , he thought as he opened the back. _Empty_. He peered back into the box, but there were only the launchers inside.

"Looking for these?" Poe turned to the left, seeing Ren holding a missile out in front of him. "There's another crate on the opposite side of the transport." Poe ran up to the guy and grabbed the missile from his hands. Loading the ammo inside, he noticed there was room for one more. Ren saw inside as well, and pointed Poe in the direction of where he could find more.

Poe couldn't dwell on the fact that Kylo Ren was helping him or else it might make him question whether or not this was reality, and such wasted time could get him killed.

Rey was kneeling behind the ship, keeping an eye out for any incoming troopers. After loading the second missile, Poe climbed on top of the transporter to get a better shot at the shield generator. The launcher was considerably heavy and awkward to climb up with, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. With the launcher placed on his shoulder, he looked through the scope lens and searched for the target. He needed to be quick and precise with his first shot before he was noticed.

Luckily, the rain had stopped and the wind had deteriorated down to a soft breeze, making it easier to handle the powerful weaponry.

The generator came into view and he took a deep breath before his finger pulled the trigger. His body jerked back at the sudden expulsion of the rocket, but he was able to regain his balance quickly. He watched as the trajectory veered too far to the right, exploding among a group of stormtroopers, missing the generator.

Poe was stunned by the sudden deviation since he had aimed right at the generator. Admittedly, he didn't have much experience with high tech missile launchers, which he should have realized before taking the shot. He lifted the launcher to fire off the second round, but had to dive onto his stomach as incoming blaster fire zoomed past him.

Every stormtrooper in the area had been clued in on his whereabouts, thanks to his failed attempt at blowing something up.

Yay.

A heavy _thud_ sounded off from Poe's left and he lifted his eyes to see black, solid boots close to his face. His Adam's apple jutted out as his head craned upward, seeing Ren blocking blaster fire with his lightsaber.

"The launcher has a Gravity Activated Mode to lock onto targets!" Kylo yelled. "The switch should be to the right!" Poe's fingers frantically crawled over the launcher barrel and found the switch Ren had described. He scrambled onto one knee, looking through the scope, and saw how the launcher would lock onto certain targets in its line of view. The fire was starting to become heavy as more and more stormtroopers became aware of their presence on the transporter, but Ren just kept on hindering the onslaught, never blinking and never wavering.

Poe locked the GAM program onto the generator, knowing this was their last chance, and pulled the trigger.

Poe's body jerked from the kick back, but he kept his eyes on the missile, following it as it zipped through the air. A short breath later, he watched the big hunk of hardware explode, tossing a wide radius of troopers into the air like confetti. The red shield zapped off, revealing the dogfights that were now happening right above the island.

Fire suddenly erupted before him and he felt a huge wave of heat hit his body, tossing him back onto the steep hill behind. He landed hard, his head hitting something sharp before the darkness of uncertainty enveloped him.

()()()()()

Ren jumped onto the transport, landing right next to Poe's head. The pilot had missed the first shot and now had the attention of numerous squadrons. _Damn pilot couldn't do it right the first time_ , he grumbled to himself.

He had planned on ripping the launcher away from the man the moment he arrived, but was forced to go on the defensive instead. It didn't take a genius to ascribe that the missile had come from the idiot atop a transporter... that looked like a Resistance pilot... and was holding the only weapon powerful enough to have caused such an explosion.

Ren quickly explained the mechanics of the weaponry, hoping the guy understood his fast spoken instructions. From his periphery, he saw the pilot find the switch and start to rise onto his knee. Between keeping Poe and himself alive, Ren spotted the missile flying through the air, traveling in the opposite direction of the blaster fire.

"Ben!" A man yelled in a voice he immediately recognized. His heart skipped a beat upon hearing his birth name, falling into a rhythm of sporadic palpitations that might end up stopping his heart.

The generator exploded, shooting fire, metal, and white bodies into the air as the shield evaporated. Blaster fire slowed significantly as the stormtroopers turned toward the loud noise.

Ren took this as his chance to search for the man who had shouted his name.

Resistance fighters and First Order soldiers were now mixing into a massive picture of wrangling bodies. Both sides were starting to fuse together as they pressed into one another, which would have made finding one person among them impossible. But, the green lightsaber gave the man away.

Ren locked eyes with Skywalker, watching the old man pushing his way to him.

He didn't have time to process seeing the Jedi Master as he sensed cannon fire headed straight for the transporter. He immediately launched himself into the air, tearing his eyes from the bearded Jedi and trying to fling Poe off of the transport. He wasn't quick enough, and the explosion violently pushed Poe straight back onto the hillside. When he landed right next to the crate of missiles, Rey was already sprinting after Poe.

Ren followed her.

The pilot was unconscious, blood seeping into the grass below his head. Explosions were littering the island and Ren could feel shock-wave after shock-wave hit his body, vibrating his ribcage.

"We need to get out of here!" Rey yelled over the noise, cradling Poe's head. Without thinking the decision over, Ren knelt down and flung the pilot over his shoulder. So much adrenaline was pumping through his veins that the man didn't seem to weigh much at all.

"Run ahead! I'll cover your back!" They both dashed up the hill, Ren turning every now and then to block the random fire with his lightsaber. As he made it to the peak, a sharp pressure formed in his head, almost making him lose his footing. He pivoted back toward the scene of slaughter, knowing exactly who was behind the bombarding trickery.

Skywalker was battling a group of soldiers and blocking their fire, but he kept glancing right at Ren between lightsaber swings. The Jedi was trying to Force Stun him. Ren countered him successfully. The pressure in his mind receded and he continued over the top and disappeared down the hill. He thought he could hear Skywalker faintly screaming his name in the distance, but he kept propelling his body forward.

Ren was in no way interested in having a family reunion.

"Where's your ship?" Rey shouted over her shoulder as she ran to the cliff.

"Go to the right and run along the overhang. It's on the beach, further down from here." She did as he said and he ran close behind. His legs were on fire as he finally felt the extra weight of the pilot, the used up adrenaline leaving him feeling feeble and tired.

The ship came into view along the beach, but as before, there was no path leading down to it.

They would have to jump.

Both him and Rey came to a stop, eyeing the distance down to the sand.

"I can go first and then have you follow. I'll help–" But Rey was already running and launching herself off the edge.

"Rey!" Flashes of how she fell into the ocean waves crashed through his mind, spiraling him into a panic. Before he could latch onto her through the Force, the girl had already started to slow her descent. Ren watched, amazed as she placed her feet gently on the ground, adjusting his undershirt so it was back to falling at her knees.

She was safe, having done it all on her own after only seeing an example of it once. It was astonishing, and a testament to her power and agility.

Still, he felt like he was going to have a heart attack. With his eyes still glued on her form, his mind was drawing a blank from witnessing her do something she shouldn't have been able to do. It had taken him months to figure out how to apply the right amount of power to slow a fall, and many attempts had ended with him being shot straight up into the sky.

His sight was drinking her in, being captivated–

Forget about his heart; he was worried about his short-circuited brain. Ren never got this awestruck over anything; especially a woman.

Far off sounds of cannon fire reminded him that he needed to get down to the beach. He jumped from the ledge, holding onto the pilot tightly. Rey aided him in slowly touching the rocky shore.

The pilot groaned against Ren's back, the descent probably helping in getting him back to consciousness.

Rey worriedly went for Poe, but Ren stopped her. "We can look him over once we're on the ship." She agreed, and they jogged the rest of the distance to the light freighter. Ren mentally lowered the ramp and they both entered the cargo bay, his spine suddenly shivering as he shot out his hand, freezing a blaster bolt mere feet from Rey's chest.

She dove for cover behind a landspeeder.

Ren dropped Poe onto the metal floor like a sack of fern potatoes, hearing a grunt come from the now lucid pilot. Just above them, on one of the cargo bay overhangs, was one of his knights. The knight attempted another shot at the girl, but Ren froze the man in place, flinging him across the room. The tall knight crashed onto the floor, seeming to be dazed.

Rey stayed kneeling from her position, her hand flying to her chest as if just realizing how close she came to taking a bolt to the heart.

Ren kept his main focus on the body teetering on the floor. He Force slammed the knights into the wall and locked him there. With one small gesture of his hand, the mask came off, showing the pale face underneath.

"Nymeer." Ren stalked forward, eyes narrowed. "You controlled your emotions well. I didn't even sense you were on the ship."

From behind, Poe went to stand next to Rey, whisper something indecipherable.

Nymeer bled from his busted lip as he started to laugh at his master. Ren's jaw tightened out of annoyance. "I knew you couldn't kill this desert bitch," he spat his words at Rey. "Even the Supreme Leader suspected as much. You've been unraveling, _M_ _aster_ , long before you even killed your father. Or met this _whore_." Ren's fist shot out, making contact with Nymeer's nose, the cartilage crunching under the impact. The knight's head snapped back, hitting the metal wall as blood poured from his nostrils.

But Nymeer stayed conscious and aware.

"You're… weak," the knight rasped, then winced as Ren picked apart Nymeer's thoughts, helping him to piece together what's been going on over the past few days.

"Hux ordered you to kill the girl if I couldn't," Ren stated, not expecting such a betrayal.

Nymeer sneered at his master, the dark shadows under his steely eyes becoming more pronounced.

"Of course he did. Leader Snoke made it clear to Hux that if you failed to kill her, she would need to be exterminated by other means." A sudden coldness hit at Ren's core. "Did you really think the Supreme Leader would let you go off into the galaxy on your own? Without us tracking you?" Nymeer spat out a wad of blood, dragging air into his mouth. "Now you're a fucking traitor. How ironic."

Ren grabbed the knight's collar and got right into the man's face. "What else does the Supreme Leader know about the girl?" His question was venomous, and the knight stared directly into his threatening eyes.

"Oh, _Ben_." Nymeer's lips curled into a menacing smile as he said his forbidden name. "He knows everything. He knows how much you care for the girl; he knows she calls you to the light. He knows that if she were to die, it would ruin you in the best way possible... But that's the point, now isn't it. Such power you could have possessed, but you gave it up. Sentiment was your downfall, just like your grandfather."

Ren's neck corded tight, his grip on Nymeer's collar starting to shake. How dare the man compare his grandfather's failure to–

He felt a hand on his arm, and his eyes met Rey's deep stare. Her hazel gaze implored him to back away, to seek another way of working out his anger.

Reluctantly, he took a step back, releasing the hold on the knight. Nymeer fell upon his knees, keeping his head down as blood dripped onto the grated floor. Ren's hands racked through his wavy hair as he realized he couldn't leave the man alive, no matter how much he thought Rey protested against that conclusion.

An idea came to mind, one that was beyond perfect and straight into poetic territory that Ren couldn't help but smile.

Bending over, Ren palmed the blaster pistol off the floor and grabbed Nymeer' neck, dragging the dazed man to the cargo ramp. With a single precise push, the knight shot out into the night air, hitting his back against the rock wall. Nymeer tried to regain his composure so he could flee, but Ren didn't allow him to do so.

The knight froze in place as Ren raised the pistol, aiming directly at the man's chest.

"You should've heeded my warning about those grenades, Nymeer." The knight's eyes widened in terror as Ren fired a blaster bolt at the one remaining pyro grenade strapped to his chest. The heat resonated throughout the area, enveloping Ren's body as he watched the man be blown apart, the bone and meaty flesh splattering throughout the blast radius.

The air smelled of copper and smoke.

Taking satisfaction from the cruelty, Ren lowered the weapon, thinking how he'd wanted to kill that particular knight since their first meeting. In the end, Ren always figured out how to get his way. Besides, when the darkness called, he answered.

Ren was polite like that.

()()()()()

"Well, that's one way to kill the guy," Poe murmured next to Rey as she watched Ben stride over in their direction. While she did agree that the man had to die, actually watching it happen had been... difficult. The knight had tried to kill her and would keep attempting to do so if he were left alive. The way Ben had killed him, though, was overly excessive.

Ben's face tensed, his eyes blank as he stared directly at Rey. "I know what you want to discuss, but we'll have to talk later. We need to get to the cockpit."

_Another thing to add to the list of discussion topics…._

Rey and Poe followed him up the two pairs of ladders that ascended into the main level. They walked down a narrow hallway straight for the door ahead. It slid open, revealing the tight cockpit. The communications corner was to her right, and in front of her were four seats bolted to the metal floor.

For a person who had so much control over the First Order, he sure did fly a relic of a ship.

Odd.

Ben went for the pilot's chair, starting to ignite the engines. "Poe." Poe snapped his attention away from inspecting the small area and turned to Ben. Rey registered the surprise on his face, probably from hearing his name come out of Ben's mouth. "If you walk back through the hallway, there's a ladder leading up to a dorsal laser cannon turret. I need you to man it."

"Uhhhh, I'd rather be the one flying," Poe started to argue. Ben strapped himself in, tightening the harness before lifting the ship off the beach. Rey grabbed onto the wall, balancing herself from the sudden jerk of motion.

"With the multiple head wounds you have, the only thing you're going to operate is the turret. Rey, you're the co-pilot." Her eyebrows shot up, and she exchanged a worried look with Poe. Honestly, she would feel more comfortable with an experienced pilot behind the controls, but Ben did have a point about Poe's head wound.

Ben glanced at Rey over his shoulder, giving her a serious stare. "I am an experienced pilot."

Rey glared at him, feeling annoyed that he seemed to be reading her thoughts easily.

Poe exhaled dramatically. "If we die, I'm blaming you," he pointed to Ben's back before turning and walking out of the cockpit. Rey had no choice but to sit in the chair next to the pilot, buckling and tightening herself in for a bumpy flight. With her communications headset firmly attached on her head, Ben shot across the turbulent sea below, trying to conceal their departure from the aerial fight above.

"Tie Fighter's coming up from behind." Poe's voice came through the headset.

Rey's hands scrambled over the controls, bringing the shields to full power.

Ben sharply pulled then up into the air, making Rey hold on to the side of the chair. The ship shuddered as the shields deflected the incoming laser fire. Hearing Poe firing back, she prayed that he would be able to take out at least one of the Ties.

The freighter arched backwards in the sky, trying to get behind the enemy ships, but the Tie's just followed their trajectory. Rey's stomach knotted and lurched as she could feel the planets gravity trying to toss her around, but thankfully, the harness made her stay put.

Ben dove the ship for the ocean, pulling up right before hitting the water. Rey switched to clutching the control panel in front of her, trying to stifle the scream that begged to be released.

Ben's style of flying was similar to his fighting: aggressive, calculating, and merciless, but somehow effective and in control.

Gods, she prayed to the Force he was in control.

Her body thrashed under the harnesses as the ship's belly skidded along the black water. The freighter tipped to the side, making a sharp turn to the right, tossing up the ocean water in its wake. She heard an explosion go off somewhere outside as Poe yelled into the comm set, making her cringe from the pressure on her eardrums.

Shifting her eyes to the sensory monitor, only one Tie fighter was now visible.

"I got 'em!" Poe yelled out. "Son of a bitch didn't stand a chance!"

Glancing over at Ben, every muscle in his upper body strained against the pilot controls, his focus on keeping them alive evident in his strained features. It was ridiculous to roam over Ben's body at a time like this, but she couldn't stop her eyes from drinking him in. Rey had never met a man as broad and tall as Ben, but then again, she hadn't met a lot of people in the first place. Most the people she knew were humanoids, and when she said "knew", what she meant was "had seen." She never had any friends, never had an opportunity to ogle at a man's body like she was presently doing.

Telling herself to look away, she lost all sense of propriety and didn't. Eyes wondering over his milky skin, she thought back to how smooth he'd felt against her hands when she–

Rey's head suddenly snapped against her right shoulder as the left side of her midsection rammed into the side of her harness. A sharp pain took her breath away, and she found herself seeing pockets of black dance along her vision.

Ben struggled to control the ship. "We've lost the shields!"

She registered his yelling, but the noise seemed to be far way... too far away for being right next to him.

"You need to get out of the planet's atmosphere so we can jump into hyperspace," Poe commanded. Rey's back pressed into the spine of the chair as the ship shot straight up, which made her assume that Ben was actually following what Poe had suggested. She kept her vision on the blinking lights on the control panel, willing herself not to pass out.

Alarms started to go off and she heard Ben curse beside her. "The fuel line must've taken a hit."

"Rey, punch in these coordinates so you can activate the hyperdrive right when we clear the planet." She heard Poe read off a bunch of numbers, but she couldn't think clearly enough to actually process what he was telling her. Blood was pulling from her face and going to her heart in an attempt to keep her alive. Something was vibrating... was it her body?

"We wont have enough fuel to make it to that star system!" Ben countered as he activated all the forward thrusters, and Rey knew she was in trouble when she didn't register the heightened speed. Rey weakly lifted her head and saw that they were about to exit the planet's atmosphere. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to breath and her hands fell away from the control panel, no longer having the strength to hold on.

"Rey!" Ben's voice echoed in her ears.

She couldn't turn her head to look at him, couldn't form a word, couldn't take a deep breath... but she could feel how scared Ben suddenly became. Buttons were starting to distantly be pressed, and she heard Poe and Ben arguing at each other, but couldn't make sense of the frantic conversation. She tried to take deep breaths, but it was like her body was incapable of absorbing the oxygen. She was somehow drowning all over again, even though this time, she was in her element.

Mind falling into a panic, Rey couldn't register anything around her. She thought for the second time that day, that she was going to die.

()()()()()

As Ren listened to Poe name off the coordinates, he immediately knew that the gradual loss of fuel wouldn't allow them to make it that far across the galaxy. Plus, he was absolutely positive the pilot just named off the coordinates to the Resistance base, and Ren was not interested in going there. "We won't have enough fuel to make it to that star system!"

He initiated the remaining thrusters, picking up more speed to hurl the ship out of the atmosphere.

Suddenly, his breathing became shallow and he saw Rey's hands let go of the panel. Looking over, her face had become ashen and she was wheezing frantically. "Rey!" He was tempted to go to her, but if he didn't get them into hyperspace, they were all going to die.

"What's happening? What's going on?" Poe inquired anxiously.

Ren ignored the question as he quickly punched in a path to get them to the next closest star system he could think of. It took the ships computer a few moments to calculate a safe route, but the course wasn't the only problem. Hopefully, the fuel would last long enough to get them there. If not, well....

"Rey! What's happening?" Poe yelled.

"She can't breathe. She's starting to black out." Ren's voice was panicked and he didn't care if the pilot heard his worry over the comms set. Finally, like it had taken a century, they cleared the atmosphere and Ben launched them into hyperspace, leaving the Tie fighter behind.

Unlatching the harness and throwing the head set to the ground, Ren darted over to Rey, his hands unbuckling the straps and then ripping her out of the seat. He ran through the hallway with her in his arms, passing Poe climbing down the ladder, not even giving the guy a glance.

Lying Rey down onto the lounge floor, Ren noticed that she was barley lucid, her breaths coming on sharp and quick as she tried to force air into her lungs.

"There's a med kit in the storage closet." Ren pointed ahead to the corner. "Grab it and bring it to me." Poe sprinted without hesitation, rummaging through the closet and then hurrying back to Ren, placing the long med bag next to Rey as the pilot knelt down by her head. Ren fought back his nerves, knowing that it wouldn't do Rey any good for him to fall apart right now. But if Rey died on this floor?

The pilot was going to have a huge fucking problem on his hands.

Poe helped him take off the black undershirt so he could have access to the injury more easily. He ripped her tunic the remaining way up, showing her full chest wrap as both men took in a sharp breath upon seeing the huge black and blue bruise covering the left side of her ribcage.

"That's not good," Poe muttered.

Ren felt along the bruise, sensing that she did, in fact, have two broken ribs. How she managed to even stay upright after sustaining the injury astounded him. In his youth, he'd broken a rib during a training demonstration with Skywalker. He was barely able to walk around the week that followed.

"Is there a syringe in the kit?" Ren asked the pilot anxiously.

Poe dug through the duffle and shoved a syringe into Ren's hand. Carefully, he felt for the space between Rey's second and third rib, right below her collarbone and next to her shoulder. Before he left for Skywalker's academy, he'd been studying chemistry and medicine in hopes of one day becoming a doctor. Even after he "chose" to be a Jedi, he never stopped being fascinated by human and humanoid anatomy. Even though it had been years since Ren actually read up on any medical techniques, he found the knowledge coming back to him quickly.

Which was surprising, given how he'd been killing people the last six years.

"Do you know what you're doing?" Poe asked nervously. In truth, Ben was doubting himself as well, but he tried to hide it.

"Her lung has collapsed from the oxygen spilling into her chest cavity," he explained, more for his benefit than the pilot's. "We need to relieve that pressure in order for her to breath."

He pushed the needle into her chest, making sure to not go too far. Slowly, he started to pull the air into the syringe, feeling relieved when he didn't see any blood. He had to repeat the process three more times before Rey was able to breath normally again, but her complexion was still pale, which didn't fit her at all. That skin of hers was meant to look sun-kissed, not look like she'd kept to the shadows all her life... like him.

Rey's eyes darted everywhere as she took in one deep breath after another. "You're okay. Just take deep breaths," Poe said, trying to coax Rey into staying calm while stroking her hair, giving Ren time to inspect her rib-cage. Her fifth and sixth rib were fractured, and he didn't know the extent of the puncture wound to her lung. Maybe he could heal it, but he never before tried to heal an injury he could not physically see or feel. And honestly, he felt like he could sleep for a week straight; that's how exhausted he was.

Ren might not have the energy to heal her – which made him feel guilty, since he was the one responsible for her injuries in the first place.

He addressed Poe. "Carry the med bag and follow me to the crew quarters. I'm going to lay her down in a bed so she's more comfortable." Ren took the needle out of Rey's chest and handed it to the pilot. Poe flung the med bag over his shoulder and together, they carefully made their way to a spare cabin, placing Rey on the bottom bunk.

Rey still hadn't said a word since her breathing stabilized, and that was starting to make Ren feel uneasy. Her stare was distant, looking beyond the metal walls of the ship and somewhere that mirrored the reality of almost dying twice in one day.

Ren pulled at the med bag and brought out some bacta patches. Kneeling down next to Rey, he peeled off the jell pads and placed them fluidly over the saber burn across her midsection. She winced, keeping her stare on the bunk above her, never turning or looking down to watch the process.

"Where are we headed?" Poe asked, leaning up against the wall, watching Ren as he applied the medicine.

"Spira."

"Spira? Isn't that a core world? The First Order probably has spies there."

"There are spies everywhere, and that was the closest planet I could think of under the stressful circumstance." Ren applied the last patch and closed the front of her tunic to allow her more modesty. He messaged his neck as he sat back onto the floor, glancing at the pilot above. "Also, we still have the fuel problem."

Poe nodded his head in agreement. "We'll have to wait till we land to assess the damage. I was thinking… while we're in hyperspace, I was going to look for those tracking devices. I remember that warrior guy saying they put some on your ship." Ren had completely forgot about that. Even if they make it to Spira on the limited amount of fuel left, the First Order would be close behind.

The tracking devices needed to be located and destroyed.

Ren let out a tired breath. "Yeah, those need to be found or we're as good as dead." Sensing some turbulence in the room, he glanced at Rey, watching as her brows tightened and her lip quaked. Some sort of emotional tension was building within her, and soon, she was going to burst.

Hesitantly, Poe left the room, leaving him and Rey alone together.

The soft hum of the engines was the only noise to fill the tight quarters. Noticing her inhales to be labored, he went through the motions of helping her to breath and then, he took a quiet moment to just stare at her. Her hair was matted and dark with dried dirt, her clothes were in need of being deeply laundered, and her boots had mud caked all over them. Bruises on her face were starting to show, and he was sure she had plenty more over the rest of her body.

Ren trembled.

He didn't hold back when they'd been dueling earlier. On Starkiller, he had been, since he hadn't wanted to kill the girl... and couldn't stop the compassion he'd felt for her from influencing his actions. Even after killing Han and being on the brink of insanity, he still had enough clarity to not be too overpowering towards Rey. In hindsight, being injured had weakened him enough to where he wasn't in the best shape to fight. Still, at the start of that duel, he had a few openings where he could have ended the girl's life.

But he didn't take them, because he wanted her to join him... so he wouldn't be alone anymore.

A sudden cry came escaped Rey's swollen lips, and Ren's eyes moved away from her boots to her distraught and crumpled face. Her small frame started to shake as she tried to keep in her emotions. Ren cautiously stroked her cheek and told her to let it out. She turned her head into his bare shoulder and proceeded to wail. He rubbed her back, trying to console her as he patiently waited for her to be done. So much had happened over the small span of a few hours that even he couldn't process it all.

Where they thought their lives were going had now completely changed.

Never in his life had Ren comforted another, but doing so with her was as natural as blinking. He found he didn't want to let her go.

"Rey," he whispered next to her ear when her crying started to subside. "I'm going to try to heal some of your injuries so you can breathe. May I?" He didn't now if he had the strength or concentration to do it, but he had to try.

She nodded, and he closed his eyes to center himself. He let her pain become his, feeling every bruise, broken bone, and scrape on her body. She was in such agony that he couldn't stop his eyes from scrunching and tearing up.

Narrowing in on her lungs, he willed the Force to mend the small puncture wound. He wanted to bind her ribs back together, but he felt like he was going to pass out from the amount of strength he'd already given her.

Her shoulders slackened and she let out a deep, hot breath against his bare chest. "Do you want me to help you sleep?" he asked.

"Please," her gravely voice croaked.

His hand combed through her hair as he gently went into her mind, nudging her softly into her dreams. Her muscles instantly lost all their strain, and he heard her quietly breathing onto his skin. Time didn't compute as he held her against him. He loved feeling her flesh against his and thought to himself that he could get used to that sensation. But, after a while, holding her without permission seemed wrong. So he placed her back onto the bed, took off her boots, and covered her with the spare blanket from the top bunk.

Her features looked startlingly young as she slept peacefully.

 _She could pass for a fifteen or sixteen-year-old girl_ , he thought, and then paused. _How old is she exactly?_

That would have to be one of the first things he asked her when she woke. He found himself hoping that she would be close to his age, for anything less would be... weird. Especially given how much he wanted to stay with her for, like, the rest of his existence.

 _What if she doesn't feel the same way?_

But Ren knew she did. It was growing increasingly easier to use their connection to read the girl's thoughts and feel her emotions. She felt just as drawn to him as he did to her, and yet, he barely knew a thing about her. Sure, he knew of certain events in her life and how strong she was with the Force, but would their personalities clash as they moved forward? She wanted Ben, but he didn't feel like that person anymore. Nor did he feel completely like Kylo Ren.

He didn't know who he was.

Ren heard some noise coming from the lounge and was reminded about how he needed to help the pilot find those tracking devices. It would take half a day to arrive at Spira and he would sleep better knowing the First Order couldn't find him.

Reluctantly, he left Rey's room and walked toward the one person on the ship who absolutely despised him.


	14. If You Let Me, I Can Show You Everything

Ren walked into the lounge, quickly realizing he still didn't have a shirt on. Feeling exposed, he was about to return to the living quarters when his eyes locked onto something across the lounge table. He ambled forward, his footfalls sounding off in the empty space.

It was tracking devices.

The metal hardware was small, the quality of the material extremely high tech and reliable. There were seven in total, which seemed overzealous given how two or three would have been more than sufficient to get the job done.

_Supreme Leader really didn't trust me._

Ren felt a presence enter the room and glanced to his right to see Poe in the galley entryway, observing him. The pilot's posture was tight and anxious. "How's Rey?"

"I healed the puncture wound to her lung, so she's out of any immediate danger." The pilot nodded his head in relief, but the feeling didn't last long since his features twisted into a smirk.

"I think I found all of them." The pilot pointed to the hardware on the table and walked over to Ren, keeping an arms length away. "Looks like the First Order wanted to keep an eye on you. Seven tracking devices is excessive."

Ren's eyes roamed over the small metal parts just as something struck him directly across the face, sending him to the floor. His vision blurred and his left cheekbone throbbed, but he made no gesture to rub the pain away. Craning his head up, Ren saw how Poe's right fist was shaking, his disdainful glare directed straight at him.

It was not a complicated mystery as to who had hit him.

"That's for what you did to Finn," Poe breathed out haughtily.

"You mean FN-2187?" Ren clearly struck a nerve with the pilot, which was his intention. He was pissed that Poe was able to strike him down, making him look weak. On impulse, he wanted to ram the guy into the wall until his bones were crushed from the pressure, but he settled with verbally irritating the bastard.

It probably wouldn't look good if Rey found her friend dead, with Ren being the only possible murderer on board.

"His name is Finn, not the jumble of numbers you people gave him," Poe argued. Ren slowly came to his feet, facing the pilot at his full height. Fear pulsed off of the man, but he was doing a commendable job at hiding it. No doubt, Poe was expecting some sort of retaliation. "I bet you just want to break my neck with those Force abilities of yours, don't ya?"

The pilot didn't let his fear consume him into cowardice.

A sleek grin formed on Ren's lips. "I don't need to use the Force to kill you." Neither one of them moved as they both calculated the risks of getting into a physical altercation. Being more controlled over his emotions out of the two men, Poe backed away, falling back behind the curved lounge bench and coolly placing his hands on the leather.

The air of silence was full of friction, but it didn't stop the pilot from asking his questions. "What's going on between you and Rey?" Ren kept his mouth shut, which made Poe even more suspicious. He was tempted to leave the conversation, but the ship was small, and him and the pilot would just run into each other later on.

_Better to just get this over with now._

"I'm not blind, you know," Poe contended. "I was with you two during the battle on the island. She relied on you heavily, and you actually _helped_ her. _You_." Poe couldn't hide the confusion behind what he was trying to explain. "Kylo Ren. The face of the First Order, charged with killing anyone affiliated with the Resistance. And yet, you act possessive and protective towards Rey. Why? Did your plans of killing her suddenly change? Does Snoke want her now?"

"I would never let Snoke near the girl," Ren objected sharply, conveying just how much he believed in the words. If he had any control over Rey's future, she would never meet his master. The reconditioning the Supreme Leader would force onto Rey would ruin her, just like it had ruined him.

Either that or Snoke would force Ren to kill her, snuffing out his compassion completely.

"You're the one who gave her all those injuries, though. Right?" Poe asked.

Ren clenched his jaw. He'd never been a liar, and he wasn't about to start. "Yes."

The leather creaked under the tightening of Poe's grip as he let out an uneven breath, trying to hold himself back from letting his anger dictate his actions. The control Poe showed was impressive. Ren knew the pilot had immense mental resolve, evidenced from the time Ren had extracted the information about the droid from his mind. For having no Force abilities, Poe had lasted the longest under Ren's mind probe than any one else ever had.

Besides Rey, of course, but she had the Force.

In a controlled tone, Poe said, "When we land, I'm taking Rey with me and we're getting a ship back to the Resistance." The pilot's fierce irises locked onto Ren. "You'll never be able to hurt or see her again."

Ren balled his hands at his sides and the pilot glanced right at them. "I would never hurt her," he countered.

"You already did." Those words felt like a sharp slap in the face, worse than the punch he received a minute ago. The knowledge of what he'd done to her would haunt him for the rest of his days, and he would never get over the guilt of scarring her.

Ren shut his eyes for a moment and felt wretched. His conscience, which had been unplugged for years, was awake and aching. Feeling that way was extremely uncomfortable.

Ren couldn't deny that he wanted Rey to stay, for her light breathed such pure life into his soul that he was already addicted to the feeling. He wasn't going to allow Poe take her from him, but if she made the decision to go, he would let her. "If she desires to leave, she can," Ren said, voicing his thought. "I won't stop her."

" _If_ she desires to leave?" Poe's voice rose in pitch and he leaned slightly over the the chair's back. "Why would she not want to? She's a member of the Resistance, and she wants to become a Jedi. You're a murderous psycho whose allegiance is to the First Order. Honestly, I'm still waiting for you to ignite that saber and kill us both."

Ren opened his mouth to counter the last statement, but Poe cut him off.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't hurt her." A light chuckle escaped the pilot's mouth from his own disbelief. "The insane thing is, I'm inclined to believe you when you say that. I saw too much on the island not to believe it. But I think everyone else is free game for your lightsaber."

Poe's perception of him was correct. "You're still alive, are you not?"

"Because if you killed me, we both know Rey would retaliate against you. You're keeping me alive out of your own self-interests, nothing more."

The pilot was proving to be very intuitive, and it was making Ren feel unnerved with how accurate his remarks were.

"Have you really left the First Order?" Poe asked, stare concentrated and serious.

_No._

"Yes." Loyalties were hard to break, but he was now officially a traitor and couldn't go back to his life before he'd saved Rey.

Even if a part of him desperately wanted to.

"Come with us then. Back to the Resistance base." Ren's eyebrows shot up. He couldn't believe the best pilot in the Resistance had just asked him to turn himself in.

"No."

"Why not?" Poe shot the question at him.

"All that awaits me there is my execution." _Do I really need to explain this to an adult?_

"Well, you are a war criminal, but you have so much information on the First Order that you could probably make a deal."

Ren rolled his eyes out of annoyance. "A deal? They would never broker such a thing with me. Your top ranking officials would fast track my execution _and_ make it very public."

Poe's head flinched back slightly. "You think your mother would do that to you?" The conversation went from being ridiculous to dangerous in the span of just one sentence.

Ren twisted with disgust at the mention of the general and at the very idea of seeing her again. "If anyone at the Resistance has even a shred of common sense, she wouldn't have a voice in the matter."

Poe must have sensed the change in mood, for he took a moment to back off and collect his thoughts. "You can't deny that you do deserve to die after everything you've done. You destroyed a whole star system."

Maybe he did deserve death, but he wouldn't be the only one to die at his execution.

"That idea didn't belong to me, but to General Hux. I tried to speak out against the plan, but the Supreme Leader wouldn't listen to me."

"Uh huh. I bet you tried _really_ hard to stop it."

Ren's eye's narrowed at the pilot.

Ultimately, Ren's voice hadn't mattered when he disagreed with Hux's plan. He was surprised he even opened his mouth to speak his opinion, and then felt embarrassed after he'd done so. Honestly, Ren had always known what Starkiller base was underneath, he just never thought the weapon would be used for anything other than a threat.

That was the first time the faith in his master had truly been shaken.

To destroy a whole star system was…. There were no words to describe how heinous of an act it had been. Ren had been too disgusted to even stay on the base, pushing him to retreat to the Finalizer. He'd contemplated not watching the demonstration, but he didn't want to be viewed as weak by his subordinates. Even though he could block the emotions of others from bombarding his own, there was no way to stop from feeling each and every person's desperation and fear before they died.

Billions of people crying out for help, those screams consuming him, almost making him black out on the deck. But he kept his knees locked. Stayed standing. Immediately after feeling the slaughter of so many, he brusquely walked to his quarters, tore off his mask, and vomited on the floor next to his bed; he couldn't even hold it in long enough to make it to the refresher.

After that, his life had started to unravel at an exponential rate. And when the weapon had been targeted on the Illenium system… he just couldn't go through experiencing another star system being annihilated.

Ren felt the pilot's mood change from disgust into a mixture of confusion and curiosity, which struck him as being odd.

"You're curious about something," Ren voiced. Poe scrunched his eyebrows together, looking puzzled. "I can sense your emotions." Ren studied the pilot as he exhaled a heavy sigh.

"I just can't believe I'm talking to you."

"Because of who I am."

"Because of where you come from. It boggles my mind that someone with your upbringing could turn into the person you are." Ren didn't know how to reply to Poe's statement and neither did he want to. He didn't like acknowledging Ben's past life.

"Look man, I'm gonna go find a spare cabin and get some rest. Feel free to search for more tracking devices." Poe moved for the door and left, not looking back at Ren standing in the middle of the room.

Reluctantly, Ren's mind wandered to his childhood. So many people had expected such great things from him, just because of who his parents were. At every turn in his life, he'd been compared to his mother and father and uncle.

He'd absolutely loathed it.

Everyone always pestered him if he were to become a senator, just like the great Princess Leia Organa. Or tutor lost kids and hold charity races for the galaxies youth like Han Solo. And becoming a famous Jedi was always on the table. It got to the point that whenever someone brought any of that up, he would just walk away without an explanation. After that, people started to mark him as being a peculiar and odd boy.

Ren sat down on the cushioned bench, eyes wondering over the chilly room.

He'd just wanted to be left alone, not wanting the pressure of his lineage constantly weighing him down. He had his own dreams of becoming a physician and of leading a normal, happy life. It had been all mapped out. He would attend University where he would graduate at the top of his class. Numerous medical schools would accept him into their programs and he would consider carefully as to which he would attend. Then, close to finishing, he would meet a nice young woman and they would wed once he had a generous paying job. Children would come next and they would have three….

His arm swept across the table, sending the devices hurtling to the other side of the room. Warmth had spread throughout his body from his growing anger and his hand twitched to ignite his lightsaber.

That life had been taken from him.

 _You can't have something taken from you if you never had it in the first place_ , he thought. Which, in retrospect, was true. He never got close to having the life he'd dreamed of obtaining. It had been stupid of him to even consider such a future, for nothing about him had ever been normal. His natural abilities in the Force alienated him from others and had pushed him down a path he never wanted to explore.

From the outside looking in, people always thought he had the epitome of a perfect life growing up. That was what the pilot had thought, anyway. But not one person would ever be able to understand just how lonely and suffocating his existence had truly been. With Rey, though, he didn't feel as alone.

Ren rubbed his face as he stood and walked to his personal chambers. Memories of his childhood kept plaguing him more and more as of late. The more he dwelled on the past, the faster his life seemed to be falling apart in his hands, like wet sand suddenly gone dry.

He needed to clean himself off and get some sleep. He would have to trust that the pilot found all the tracking devices, for he felt like his legs would give out if he stood one minute longer than necessary.

Rey was in need of multiple healing sessions, so he would need to wake every few hours to administer them. If he could lessen her suffering, he would willingly give up some of his own sleep to do so.

()()()()()

Luke steered the Falcon, following the X-Wings into Carlac's planetary atmosphere. The beaming sunlight reflected off of the snowy landscape, causing him to squint his eyes to see better. Splashes of pink interrupted the sleet terrain and the closer he flew to the surface, he realized the pink hue belonged to the millions of tiny blossoms hanging from the lanky trees.

A huge, fortified building was coming into view. It jutted out of the side of a wide mountain, making it look deceivingly smaller than it actually was. Luke had never been to Carlac, but Leia had described how the base had been carved into the mountain for extra protection. Luke's stomach twisted into knots at the anticipation of seeing his sister again. They'd talked over the communications channel and had seemed to have left on good terms, but seeing her in person was causing him to sweat.

"Resistance base to Millennium Falcon. You've been cleared to land on platform B2. After landing, Lieutenant Connix will be waiting to take you to the Resistance council." Luke acknowledged the instructions and started his descent to the designated landing platform. He stood once the Falcon was on the ground and made his way over to Chewie in the main hull.

With every step, Luke could feel all the aches and bruises he'd sustained while fighting on Ahch-To. Luckily, he didn't receive any life threatening injuries. Chewie however, needed to be seen by medical professionals. He'd sustained a deep gash across his mid-back when he had tried to help Luke fight off the knight that was a swords master.

Chewie was already standing when Luke entered the lounge, with Artoo waiting beside him. He tried to offer the Wookie assistance, but Chewie waved him off. Slowly, the three of them exited the ship and were greeted by a small, quaint young woman. Her dirty blonde hair was pulled into two buns above her ears, her hands holding a datapad as she stood tall, eyes gleaming once seeing the incoming company.

"Master Skywalker. We're all so very pleased that you've arrived safe and sound. On behalf of the Resistance, I can say we've been waiting for you to join us for a long time." She gawked at him, star struck from being in the presence of a legend. Luke didn't like when people stared at him like that. He never felt like a hero, nor did he want to be worshiped as one.

He internally groaned

"Chewie needs medical attention, if you could just show us the way." Her eyes widened as she scanned the Wookie standing off to Luke's side.

"Of course!" Her eyes roamed over the mayhem of people behind her. "Kara! Kara!" A young woman with jet black hair and small eyes came running up to the Lieutenant. "I need you to take the Wookie to the med bay." The girl nodded, ushering Chewie away from the small group and into the whirlwind of Resistance troopers.

"I should go with him to make sure he'll be fine." Luke took a step after them, but was stopped by the Lieutenant.

"The Resistance council has stressed that your presence is needed in their meeting chambers as soon as you arrive. I'm sorry, but I need you to come with me. Dr. Kalonia has seen Chewie before and she'll be able to take care of him." Luke tried to quail his annoyance and adversely followed the young girl with Artoo in tow. She expertly made a path through the cluster of soldiers toward the main building.

"Luke? Luke Skywalker?" A dark skinned young man stepped in front of them, stopping Lieutenant Connix in her tracks. A walking cane held the man up as he refused to budge from his position. Luke could sense his desperation to talk with him.

"Finn," said Connix. "I need to get Master Skywalker to the Resistance council. There's no time-"

Luke's ear perked up. "Finn? As in Rey's friend? The ex-stormtrooper?" Luke eyed the young man, noticing that he did match Rey's description of him.

"Uh, yeah. I'm Finn." Finn shifted his weight, feeling uncomfortable under the intense stare of the Jedi Master. Luke recalled the story of Finn going to Starkiller base to rescue Rey, and ended up fighting his nephew in an attempt to save them both. The boy had shown extreme bravery, and Rey had told Luke how she trusted Finn with her life.

Luke decided to use that trust. "You're coming with us. Lieutenant Connix, lead the way."

The girl and Finn stood there, flustered. She tried to open her mouth in protest, but the look Luke gave her made her snap her jaw shut.

Finn and Artoo kept up with their fast pace as they entered the base through one of the fighter ship hangars. The hallway walls were sleek and white, the air cold and thin. Random soldiers wandered through the cramped passageways, all of them glancing at the Master Jedi as they passed, but Luke ignored the stares. He was focusing on searching for his sister's Force signature, and was puzzled when he came up with nothing.

An uneasy feeling was taking root in his stomach, and he needed to know what was going on.

"Where's Rey?" Finn had caught up to Luke's side, looking at him anxiously.

Even Luke didn't know how to exactly answer that question. What he'd witnessed back on the island had gone against all logic. He played the scene over in his mind again: his nephew flinging a man onto his shoulder, protecting him and Rey as they ran up the steep hill, and blocking Luke's attempt to Force stun him. Did his nephew somehow turn Rey to the dark side?

He shot that question down for the one-hundredth time. He'd witnessed Ben on top of that transporter, _helping_ a man blow up the generator. His nephew had acted against the First Order, but why? What was going on?

Luke's head was starting to pound with confusion.

Connix lead them to a door at the end of the hallway. Luke could faintly hear voices coming from the other end. Before entering, Luke gave the ex-stormtrooper a convincing smile and said, "She's in a safe place." _I hope…._

He sensed Finn relax as they stepped inside the long, rectangular room. Holomaps lined the walls and a big, oblong table was situated in the center of the chamber. Someone had installed the room with so many lights, that Luke's eyes pounded from the intense shower of brightness.

He was sure he was at the beginnings of a headache.

The room instantly went quiet as all eyes fell upon him, but he didn't return their stares. Frustration rose inside the Jedi Master when he couldn't find what he was searching for.

"Where's my sister?" Just as fast as they all were to stare at him, now they turned their eyes downward. The tension grew thick in the room as no one made an effort to answer him.

Finally, a short man with slanted eyes and a flat face made his way over. "Master Skywalker. I'm Admiral Statura. We're glad-"

"Cut it with the formalities. Where is Leia?" Luke asked with more force behind his voice.

Admiral Statura cleared his throat, trying to wrangle in his nerves. "The General's whereabouts is one of the reasons why we needed to see you so urgently. You see, when your droid sent us the distress signal that you were in need of assistance, General Organa insisted that she come with the fleet to Ahch-To."

"You let her go to the battle?" Luke was on the verge of shouting at the man, but he was able to fight back the urge.

Admiral Statura stammered, replying with a quick, "No, no. We told her she couldn't. But as time went on and the battle started to become more hectic, she slipped out of here undetected. By the time any of us had noticed, her personal ship and crew were already gone."

"Does her ship have a tracking mechanism?"

"It does, but it was disabled when she reached the outside of the planet. That was the last known place she was at. We can't find her or the ship."

Luke closed his eyes as he pinched the roof of his nose. He took in deep, long breaths to try and center himself. Anger was threatening to take him, and he almost wanted it to.

A feminine voice spoke up. "Where is your apprentice, Master Jedi?"

Luke opened his eyes and glanced across the room to the woman behind the question. She was tall and lean, her blonde hair pulled back into a high bun, accentuating her high cheekbones. She was wearing the same olive green military uniform as everyone else, but Luke sensed that she was not a part of the group.

He looked perplexed at the tall woman.

"I apologize," she said. "Even though it appears you abhor formalities, I should still introduce myself to you. I'm Grand Admiral Trend of the Republic Fleet. Well, what little remains of it anyway."

Luke recognized the surname. "Vassena Trend? Aren't you a Vice Admiral?"

"Well, with the destruction of the Hosnian System, I immediately got a promotion. All of the higher ranking officials were killed, leaving me to take up as the leader." Everyone in the room went out of their way to not look at the middle-aged woman. They were all either intimidated by her, or immensely disliked her. Luke sensed it was the latter. "And this is a closed meeting, Master Jedi. The young man beside you will have to leave."

Luke held the Grand Admiral's cold gaze. "He's my personal assistant. With my growing age, I find it harder to remember certain details. While I'm on this base, he goes where I go."

A polite smile formed on her hard features, making her look off-putting. "I'm sure we can all understand what aging does to a person, but I will have to order you-"

"The Jedi are not a part of the New Republic, so your orders hold no value towards me. The young man stays." Trend's fake grin vanished and the room fell uncomfortably silent. Her eyes glinted with rage at being undermined, but she didn't attempt to talk further on the subject. She knew Luke was right that she couldn't give him orders since the title of Jedi Master separated him from the government.

"Now to answer your earlier question, Rey made it off the planet and is safe. She will contact me when she is able." He wanted to get back to the matter of his sister.

"That doesn't coincide with what Captain Cypress witnessed." Trend turned to the weathered man with the long nose and grey hair. It took a second, but Luke recognized the man from the battle on the island. Luke could sense where this was going, and he was honestly irritated that Trend was veering the meeting in a new direction. "Captain? Can you repeat what you saw?"

The captain cleared his throat and straightened his uniform jacket before speaking. "I was on Ahch-To leading our ground forces against the First Order. We were pushing through their energy shield when I heard an explosion off to my left. Stormtroopers started to fire off to the other side, where I saw Commander Dameron on a transport ship with a missile launcher, trying to destroy the shield generator." The Captain paused, wiping the sweat from his bushy brows. "A man with a red cross guarded lightsaber was blocking the incoming blaster fire from hitting them both." Luke heard Finn gasp softly beside him. "Poe was able to destroy the generator, but then a missile knocked him and the other man off the transporter. After that, I focused on the battle in front of me and didn't see what had happened to them."

Trend took over where the captain left off. "Multiple Resistance troopers reported seeing the man fling an unconscious Commander Dameron over his shoulder and flee the scene with your apprentice, Master Skywalker."

"What?!" Finn's eyes bore into the side of Luke's face, but Luke kept his features void of emotion. He figured he couldn't have been the only one to have seen Ben and Rey, and was expecting an account like this to be made known. He just didn't think it would be talked about this soon after the battle. As much as he worried for his apprentice and was confused by his nephew's actions, he wanted to discuss the disappearance of his sister more.

"I think we can all safely assume that the man with the infamous cross guarded red lightsaber is Kylo Ren, and that your nephew now has Rey and Poe Dameron in his custody." Trend was really running full speed with her assumptions. "It's logical to assume that the disappearance of General Organa is somehow tied to her son."

Luke's voice was low, demanding of attention. "I was also on the island, Vassena, and I _saw_ my nephew protecting Commander Dameron and Rey from harm."

"Well he would want his prisoners alive. They're useless to him if dead." 

"Rey went with him willingly, not as a prisoner."

Trend's sickly grin returned to her lips. "Then maybe she's betrayed the Resistance and has joined the First Order."

"No!" Finn angrily shouted, stepping forward. "Rey would never do that. She isn't a traitor." Luke rested his hand on Finn's shoulder, drawing him back. The passionate young man quieted down, but Luke could sense he was still fuming.

"If I may speak." Admiral Ackbar, the only person in the room that Luke actually knew, stepped away from the far corner so everyone could see him. "Maybe Kylo Ren has turned away from the First Order, just like his grand father turned against Palpatine in his final moments. From what I hear, Ren was genuinely trying to help Commander Dameron and Rey get away from danger." Luke gave a soft smile to his old friend, and Ackbar reciprocated with a nod. Not many people knew the whole story of his father, but Gial was one of the few who did since he fought next to Anakin in The Clone Wars. He had remained loyal to his sister, even after learning who Vader truly was six years ago.

And Luke would always respect Ackbar for that.

Trend scoffed at the Mon Calamari's remark. "Kylo Ren is an evil creature responsible for the murders of dozens, probably hundreds of people. For all we know, he was behind the destruction of the Hosnian system. A man like that has no good left in him. And I'm aware of Vader's story, just like the rest of you. He killed the Emperor to save his son." She glanced at Luke, and then turned quickly away. "Kylo Ren doesn't care for two random people. He either took them prisoner or Rey is now a traitor. And none of you can deny that General Organa's disappearance and her son being on that island are not somehow connected."

More people started to join in the discussion, most of them agreeing that Ben had taken Leia prisoner. Luke had nothing else to add, knowing that if he did, Trend would twist his words around. The only other person staying quiet was Ackbar. Luke made a mental note to talk with his friend when the setting was more private.

After learning that the Resistance had all their spies and contacts looking for Leia, Luke made the abrupt move to leave. It's not like anyone noticed since they were all arguing with Trend over how to deal with the First Order. Luke needed to come up with his own plan to find Leia, and he would need Finn's help to do so.

He had Connix lead him to his small living quarters located among the other higher-ranking officials. Finn kept his mouth shut as he walked beside him, no doubt leaving his questions for when they were alone.

Luke examined the room upon arrival. It was very plain, with a small bed, desk, and chair occupying the space. In the left corner was the door that led to the refresher. Luke was so used to living inside a hut, that this little room felt like it was too extravagant.

"So." Finn went to lean against the desk while eyeing Luke. "What the hell is going on?"

 _What the hell, indeed_ , Luke thought to himself. Luke didn't mind that Finn was being informal towards him, for it actually made him feel like a normal person again and not some mystical legend people made him out to be.

"Honestly, I'm not sure." He mentally reached out for Leia again, but was blocked. She was alive, that he knew for sure. If she had died, he would have felt her death shattering down upon him. Someone had definitely taken her, but he was sure he could cross Ben off of that list. His nephew had seemed to be too preoccupied with Rey and Commander Dameron on the island. And Ben couldn't possibly have known that his mother would go to the planet in the middle of the battle.

_Oh Leia... I know you want to desperately see Ben again, but going to Ahch-To was extremely foolish._

Finn's voice brought Luke away from his thoughts. "I need to know everything you know," the young man demanded. "Now."

()()()()()

Hux's hands clasped behind his back as he walked curtly down the polished corridor. His suit showed no signs of wrinkles, his shoes were buffed, and there was not a single hair out of place. Everything on the outside of him was in order, but on the inside, he was a fuming mess.

Reports were coming in as their ships returned from the battle on that planet with the island. The arrival of the Resistance hadn't been foreseen, but they were able to hold their position on the island for most of the fight. In the end, both sides had ended up retreating as they both realized that throwing an immense amount of resources into one small battle was illogical.

So the fight had ended in a stalemate, but that was not what had Hux furious.

There'd been sightings of Ren helping a Resistance fighter and that desert bitch he was supposed to kill. He always knew Ren never had the stomach to do what needed to be done. If history was a lesson, it taught to never trust a Skywalker. In the end, they always betrayed you.

It irritated Hux that the Supreme Leader had given Kylo Ren so much power and authority in the First Order. He was to treat Ren as an equal? He had studied and worked hard his whole life to become a general and what had Ren done? Killed a bunch of Jedi and forsook his family name. That boy knew nothing of leadership and sacrifice and yet, Ren was the one who was favored by Leader Snoke.

All throughout his youth, Armitage had struggled to be taken seriously. His father sneered down upon him for his sickly looking complexion and lanky body, wishing he had a son built more like a soldier. Hux had never been physically strong, but he always made up for it with his intellect and ruthlessness. Now, he was one of the most powerful persons in the First Order, proving to all his past tormentors that he'd amounted to something great in the end.

Hux had always viewed Ren as one of those asinine kids he'd grown up with, for that boy never knew the true meaning of struggle and earning what you rightfully deserved. Ren hadn't merited a place as Hux's equal, and he never would.

Especially now, seeing how the man was a traitor.

Hux didn't tolerate traitors.

His heels clipped against the onyx floor as he strode into the small atrium, nerves rising, preparing himself to talk with Leader Snoke. After the field reports had been sent to the Supreme Leader, a message had been received that he was to talk with Hux immediately.

A hologram appeared of the esteemed leader, but instead of it being blown up in size like it was on Starkiller, it held the actual dimensions of the eight foot man.

"General. The reports of the events on the island are most unfortunate." Hux stood silent, waiting for Leader Snoke to elaborate. "But it is not impossible to fix the situation. I need Kylo Ren found and brought directly to me."

Hux grimaced. "Supreme Leader, wouldn't it be easier just to kill him? He betrayed the First Order. He can never be trusted again." If only Ren's knights had betrayed him like Hux had told them to, then the bastard would be dead.

"When I finish with him, thoughts of betrayal will never cross his mind again. I'll personally extinguish whatever remains of that weak boy and refine Kylo Ren into a perfect weapon. What have you been doing to locate him?" Leader Snoke eyed the red headed man intently.

"We have hired dozens of bounty hunters and thousands of stormtroopers and spies searching the galaxy." Hux hesitated, swallowing. "However, it might prove to be difficult to find him since we have no holopics of his true face in the archives." At the last statement, Hux couldn't hide his embarrassment. He'd gone to great lengths to have Ren monitored as much as possible, and the guy had still found a way to erase any record of himself without being detected.

"No holopics?"

"It would appear someone went through the archives and erased them." Hux inwardly cursed at Ren. "But we've given everyone his description, and the scar on his face will surely make him stick out." Leader Snoke slammed a hand against his chair, the sound reverberating in the dark atrium. Hux flinched, sweat starting to bead on his forehead.

"Find him and apprehend him alive. By any means necessary. Kylo Ren is essential to my plans." Hux could sense that the Supreme Leader's plans for Ren seemed to be of a more personal nature, which made him curious.

"And what should we do if we find the girl?"

The Supreme Leader's deformed face took on a sinister expression. "Kill her; preferably in front of him. He needs to watch her die. He needs to learn that compassion is only but a weakness."

Hux couldn't agree more.

He bowed his head. "Yes, Supreme Leader."

"Now, about this island. Were there any reports about a sighting of a massive tree? It would have three large branches jutting out from its base."

_What does a tree have to do with anything?_

"Uh, not that I'm aware of, but I can look into it."

"Find out immediately. And if there is such a tree, I need you to send men back to the island and have it destroyed." Sending men back to the planet would be suicide, but Hux was not one to question orders.

If the Supreme Leader wanted a mere tree destroyed, Hux would make it happen.

()()()()()

Rey watched from the chilly balcony as Han walked out onto the mesh metal bridge. The small amount of light from the outside illuminated the smuggler and the dark figure below. She listened as Han pleaded to see the face of his son, the monster, Kylo Ren, to take off his mask.

He complied.

The scene shifted in a swirl of macabre colors. The chaos formed into a clear picture, but now, she was standing on the bridge, not in her own body.

She was Han.

Her lips started to move, but his voice was the one who spoke.

"My son is alive."

"No. The Supreme leader is wise."

Han walked slowly towards his son, his eyes never leaving the man before him. "Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you." Ben took a step back, looking at his father apprehensively. "You know it's true."

Ben blinked, the mask of defiance shifting to sorrow. "It's too late," his voice cracked.

"No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you."

Ben's bottom lip quivered, his eyes roaming over Han's face. "I'm being torn apart." Tears spilled over onto his cheeks as he spoke. Han's heart broke at seeing the anguish that was so evident in his son's face. "I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it." Ben's voice wavered as he tried to hold back his cries. "Will you help me?"

"Yes. Anything." Han stepped closer to his son, wanting to desperately help him.

Ben glanced down, dropping his helmet to the bridge. He unclasped the saber, holding it out to his father. Excitement coursed through Han; he was going to get his son back. He was going to start being the father he always should've been and save his son from this wicked existence.

Night fell upon the planet and the red lights illuminated Ben's face. Han watched as a vile darkness seeped its way into Ben's eyes, making his son look like a stranger. This man, standing before him, was not his son. He tried to pull the lightsaber to him, but Ben subtly fought him for control. In that moment, the risk Han had taken by stepping out onto the catwalk was about to come true: his son was going to kill him.

The red blade ignited, impaling him just below his heart. The heat and pressure from the blade overwhelmed his senses, but he kept his gaze on his son. He faintly heard Chewie roar in the background, and the reality of him never saying goodbye to his friend tore at his many regrets.

His son jammed the blade further through his chest and he gasped in pain. Ben was breathing hard as he looked into his eyes. "Thank you." The blade was pulled away, and Han just stood there in shock, gazing at his lost son.

His son.

His only child, his legacy.

When he'd been born, Han had been so mesmerized by how faultless and innocent Ben had appeared. He thought back to when Ben would take naps in between him and Leia, how they would watch him sleep peacefully, all curled up and warm. Han would stroke his soft baby skin and marvel that he could love something so small with so much of his heart. With guidance and care, Han planned on showing his son the wonders of the galaxy. He would teach Ben how to fly, never letting him fall or get hurt in the process. They would go on so many adventures together, as father and son, just the two of them.

But his son was truly gone now, and Han could not change the past.

He lifted his hand, stroking his son's emotionless face. The skin was rougher now from age, yet also familiar. But the eyes, those had changed. They were bottomless pools of darkness and even though it was futile, Han still searched for the bottom. There was an abundance of sorrow swimming behind the surface, and he wanted, needed to do something to help him.

But his time was up.

His son would never accept help from anyone. There was too much fierceness and pride in those eyes.

Too much hurt.

Han knew he was equally responsible for creating both the flesh and the monster Ben had been molded into. Fear of his son's abilities had driven him away, and now he'll never be able to right that wrong. He had failed at his duty of protecting his son, and now him and the galaxy were going to pay for it. But in this intimate moment, Han forgave him, and he hoped one day, Ben could forgive himself. Save himself.

Han teetered and fell back, plummeting down into the abyss of light.

_Leia…._

Rey shot up, hitting her head on the bunk above her. She cursed and rubbed her forehead, trying to alleviate the sharp pain. Her eyes scanned the dimly lit quarters, not recognizing where she was.

Swinging her legs over the bed's edge, she let the limbs hang there as she reviewed the nightmare. Seeing Han's death on Starkiller had been crushing, but living it like she actually was Han terrified her. Han's desperation to save his son had been so overwhelming, his failure to save him so palpable. Her eyes stung with unshed tears, recalling how Han realized that Ben was going to kill him in the end.

Was the dream real?

Initially, Rey had viewed the interaction from high above on the balcony, not hearing much of what was being said between father and son once they got close to each other. Somehow, she could feel that everything that had been said in the dream was what really transpired. Ben had cried on that bridge and had faltered in his resolve, but had killed his father anyway. That last look he'd given Han, that void expression, was going to plague her mind.

How someone could kill their parent and look like that was beyond her comprehension.

The nightmare had really shaken her, and she had this innate feeling to get as far away from this ship as fast as possible. What was she doing? How could she actually be here right now, with that monster on board?

 _You know there's still good in him. Han would want his son to be saved, and you can help make that happen_ , she told herself. Her erratic breathing slowed as she rubbed her neck, kneading the tension out of her body.

She should try to give Han the one thing he'd wanted in the end: for his son to come back.

Rey's mind brought up the memories from the beach on Ahch-To. Ben had fallen apart right in front her, sobbing and begging her to not be afraid of him. Every particle in her body felt so connected to him, that she was ashamed for even entertaining the thought of leaving moments ago. Deep down, she could still feel the resentment she was harboring against Ben for taking Han away from her. The intense events on the island had masked her feelings, not letting her have a moment to think over her actions.

Hopefully with time, she could learn to forgive him, just as Han had done.

She glanced down to the floor, her eyes catching something off to the right: A glass of water, a loaf of bread, and some sort of dehydrated meat on a plate. Her body lunged toward the sustenance and she gulped down the huge glass of water. Water spilled from the sides of her mouth as her throat was soothed by the cool liquid. She gasped for air as she proceeded to shove the bread between her teeth, her body quickly absorbing the nutrients, giving her muscles much needed strength.

And then she stopped chewing. Her midsection stung, and she remembered....

She twisted her torso around, feeling mildly sore. Her eyes turned down at her bare stomach, seeing a pink line across the skin. Faint bruising covered her left rib-cage, but the pain that had been there before was mostly gone now. She brought the bread back up to her mouth and took a bite, but none of the enthusiasm from before was in it.

Ben had given her these wounds, and Ben had been the one to heal them before coaxing her to sleep.

Her vision lifted to the nightstand, seeing neatly folded clothes and a note on top. She grabbed the piece of paper and quickly read the short message.

_**I thought you might want a new pair of clothes. Unfortunately, I only have my attire to offer. I apologize for having nothing in your size on board. I hope these work for you.** _

A huge grin stretched up to her ears as she read the note again and traced the elegant penmanship with her fingers. Ben had gone out of his way to find her something to wear and bring her food. His consideration made her feel weird, but in a good way that made her giddy. This was the man she wanted to know better and she hoped he would let her.

_Will I ever be able to look past all the things he has done, though?_

Finishing the snack, she grabbed the clothes and headed to the refresher located between the living quarters. She couldn't contain her excitement at the prospect of taking a shower, for she'd only recently started to experience such a luxury. The hot water soothed her sore muscles and she watched the dark water swirl down into the drain as she cleaned herself off with the aromatic soap.

Once done, she found a brush in the cabinet below the sink and used it to get the many tangles out of her fine hair. A tiny laugh resonated in the small bathroom as she dried her hair further with a fluffy towel. She shouldn't feel this happy and content, not after everything that had happened. But if she didn't take pleasure in the small things, the bigger problems would weigh her down into depression. Jakku taught her that.

Rifling through the drawers some more, she found a toothbrush and proceeded to clean her mouth over the next five minutes, scrubbing her enamel till they glistened. Every single part of her felt so clean, and she loved feeling this new and raw.

It was addicting.

The clothes were indeed big, engulfing her average womanly frame in the short-sleeved, black shirt and black trousers. She rolled up the pants so she could actually walk, and tied the side of the trousers into a knot to tighten around her waist. She then slipped on the socks and walked into the hallway, feeling rejuvenated.

But that dream lingered in the back of her mind, giving her a sense of reality.

The ship was quiet as she walked into the lounge. She scanned the room, seeing no one. A clanging noise came from what she assumed was the galley entrance, and her feet guided her across the silent common area.

Ben faced away from her, looking down at whatever task he was performing on the counter. His hair had that familiar wave to it, the raven locks hitting just at the nape of his neck. The dark grey shirt hung loosely from his body, as did his black pants. Black socks covered his sizable feet, making him look so… normal.

 _If only he was normal_ , Rey thought.

"Did you eat the food I left in your room?" He turned around as he brought a mug up to his lips. Her eyes widened when she saw his face. In that moment, appearing so normal and relaxed, he looked so much like his father. Her heart started to race as she remembered the dream, but the man standing before her wasn't the same one from her nightmare. That monster was in there, though, waiting to get out.

 _What if I get in his way when he does_?

"I wouldn't hurt you," he said softly. Her back straightened and Ben set the mug on the counter behind him. She'd forgotten that he could read her quite easily.

"I... had a nightmare," Rey admitted.

Ben sighed, glancing away from her. "I know."

"You do? Then... do you know what it was about?"

He curtly nodded as he leaned back against the counter, hands gripping the edge.

"So... you know how I felt when I woke up?" she asked. _Please say no._

Another nod.

Rey twisted her fingers together and chewed at her bottom lip. She felt like she'd been caught lying, and felt guilty for considering to leave.

"Don't feel guilty for thinking that," Ben brusquely instructed, raising his eyes and peering at her through his unkempt hair. "You can leave if that's what you want. I won't keep you here."

"Could you stop reading my thoughts so easily?" she snapped at him. "It feels intrusive." It bothered Rey that she didn't have the privacy of her own mind.

"I apologize." He swept his hair from his face and resumed his open position of keeping his hands on the counter. "It's difficult for me not to read your thoughts. But I'll try to give you the privacy you wish."

"Yeah... why is that? How is it we can feel each others emotions so easily?" She watched as Ben eyed her up and down, probably thinking about how ridiculous she looked in his oversized clothing. But his eyes were not filled with amusement. Something else was there in his gaze, something she was not familiar with. His cheeks started to blush and he crossed his legs while still leaning against the counter.

He cleared his throat and refocused his stare. "Well, have you ever heard of a Force bond before?" Rey shook her head, looking perplexed at the unknown term."So... a Force bond is a connection two Force sensitive people can make between each other. Through that connection, you can feel your counterpart's emotions and draw upon the other person's strength. You can even speak telepathically, if the bond becomes deeply rooted enough."

"...Okay." Rey scrunched her eyebrows together as she thought over what Ben was explaining. "And we have this Force connection thing?"

"Yes."

Jaw slackening, her eyes blinked rapidly as she tried to form a sentence. "When did this happen? How?"

Ben brushed his hair back, fully revealing his adorably big ears. But Rey couldn't dwell on that detail now. Her heart was racing from their current conversation and she needed to focus on the subject at hand.

"I've been trying to figure that out, actually. My best guess would be it happened when I was interrogating you on Starkiller base."

Her eyes pinched. "When you were in my mind, you mean."

Ben shifted, looking uncomfortable that they were talking so openly about that moment. He'd been a completely different person then, overconfident and broody. Rey had feared that man.

"Well, I hit some sort of barrier in your memories and I couldn't get passed it. Then you pushed yourself into my mind, creating this tether between us."

"And you didn't realize what just happened?" _Surely, he had to have sensed something. He has so much more training with this stuff than I do!_

He shook his head and cleared his throat. "No, but looking back, the signs were there. How do you think I found you and the stormtrooper so quickly in the snow?" Rey had never thought about that… "I somehow just knew where you'd be."

Rey curled a piece of hair behind her ear. "Okay... so how do we get rid of this bond?"

For a short second, he sent her a pained gaze before breaking eye contact. His chin lowered, shoulders slumping as he rolled his jaw. "You can't," he finally said with a hint of bitterness. "Once it's been forged, the only thing that can break it is death."

This was a lot for Rey to take in. She wanted to lash out and argue that they didn't have a connection between the two of them, but she knew she would just be denying the obvious. The dreams they'd shared, the emotions they could sense from one another, it was all starting to make sense. Who would want something like that with someone?

But as she scrutinized Ben, she could see that he did. He wanted a connection; someone to relate to. So did she, but did it have to come at the cost of being so intertwined with someone else's feelings and thoughts? She didn't even know how to properly interact with people.

Rey walked over to Ben, leaning against the counter next to him. "Looks like you're stuck with me then," she said playfully, giving him a small smile to help alleviate the tension. He relaxed somewhat, but was still tense, not matching her smile. "How strong do you think this bond is between us?"

"Honestly? Very strong." He shrugged. "I've never felt this connected to another person before."

Neither had she, but it's not like there were a lot of people in her life.

"What would happen to me if you died. Hypothetically speaking," she added.

Ben hesitated. "Not many Force bonds have been recorded, and out of those that I've read, only a handful seem to be like ours." He was skirting around her question so he wouldn't have to lie, which annoyed her.

"Just spit it out. What would happen to me if, say, you died?" Rey preferred him to get straight to the point.

His eyes lifted to the light above them as he took in a stiff breath. "You would feel like you've lost a part of yourself and, in truth, you would have. The rest of your life would revolve around searching for something you know you'll never find. It'll drive you to the edges of sanity, until you finally take the plunge into the depths of your own madness. Some of the accounts ended with the one still alive killing themselves, just so they could be free from the prison of being half of what they were."

 _Dear… god_.

Rey stared at Ben's sorrowful face, her eyes widening in horror from what he just conveyed to her. To have her mind rely so much on whether or not Ben lived was jarring to contemplate. She didn't like relying on other people, especially for her sanity. Feeling so close to him was going to come at a cost, and she had no choice but to pay it. Maybe she wouldn't mind the connection with Ben as much if she had a choice in the matter, but her inexperience with the Force had unintentionally taken away her free will.

While listening to his lesson about her sanity, something else had caught her notice that had nothing to do with mortality.

She thought herself ridiculous, but she couldn't stop from thinking that Ben was the most articulate person she'd ever met. Comparing her verbalizing skills to his, she must sound like an idiot. The man was clearly highly educated and smart, and here she was, a self-taught desert scavenger who never attended school. For the first time, she felt self-conscious about her level of intelligence.

 _Don't do that to yourself. You're a strong enough person who had to discipline and motivate yourself into learning everything you could._ As she tried to lift her spirits, some part of her still felt small and inadequate.

Stars, she needed to get a grip on her self-worth.

Ben was glancing everywhere except at her, and the silence between them was starting to grate her nerves. "You know," she paused momentarily, her mind grasping for the right words, "has anyone ever told you that you articulate really well?" His eyes bulged outward as he slowly craned his neck, shifting his shocked face down to her. "Your voice... it's very pleasant to listen to."

"I just told you that you'd lose your mind if I died, and you comment on my... voice?" Maybe she'd already gone crazy, cause he sure was looking at her like she had.

Rey shrugged and slyly went after his mug behind him, trying to lighten the depressing mood. "Then how about we both not die anytime soon. Sounds like a good plan to me." Really, she just didn't want to think about it anymore. Her intellect and quick wit were one of the most valuable possessions she had, and she didn't like to ponder over the possibility that she could lose it over something as simple as death. And not even her death – someone else's.

The mug came to her lips and the warm liquid slid over her tongue. A shock-wave went through her body. "Whoa. This isn't t caf. What is this?" Rey had no words to describe what she'd just tasted. It was the most delicious flavor to have ever touched her taste buds and she could feel her insides start to tingle from gratification.

"It's hot chocolate." Ben eyed her curiously. "Have you never tasted it before?"

"This is chocolate?" In her books she'd read about the delectable treat that was chocolate, but her imagination had never done the sweet treat justice. Here, in her hands, was chocolate. Before it could disappear, Rey gulped down the rest of the beverage. She licked her lips when she was done, relishing in the way it made her feel.

A laugh escaped her lips, soon becoming hysterical. The giddiness was abrupt, but she didn't care if Ben thought her strange.

As tears formed at the sides of her eyes, Ben watched her, amused by her reaction. "I feel like I've only just started to live," she admitted, wiping at the moisture. "I recently saw the ocean for the first time, and now I've tasted chocolate! Stars, I need to see what else is out there." Her laughs subsided, the moment coming down into something more serious.

Ben stared at her, and Rey held her hazel eyes against his, feeling herself warming up from the inside.

This time, it wasn't from the hot chocolate.

"I can show you what else is out there," he spoke deeply. "You can live a thousand different lives; see hundreds of setting suns. If you let me, I can take you wherever you want to go." That was the most perfect thing anyone had ever said to her. Rey looked at him, black eyes drilling into hers. She couldn't help but think how she'd never seen such dark eyes that held so much light within them.

This man wanted to show her the galaxy, the very thing she'd always dreamed of doing since she was a little girl.

Her hand moved to rest on top of his, his thumb immediately starting to caress the side of her palm. "I wouldn't want to experience those things with anyone else... but you."

It was a crazy thing to say to a person she barely knew, but in the here and now, she didn't belong to herself. A small part of her belonged to him, just as he belonged to her. She would never be able to take that part of her soul back, and she found herself not wanting to.

Her life was hers for the taking, and she wanted Ben to be in it.


	15. Fateful Constant

Ren was looking down at Rey, completely lost in the moment.

_Who am I?_

As he was being drawn more and more into her warm gaze, he felt something foreign tightening in his stomach. His thumb wouldn't stop caressing the side of her palm, and he found himself wanting to touch more of her skin. To _see_ more of it.

There was a possessiveness that had come over him from seeing her in his clothes, and he couldn't prevent himself from picturing his fingers catching onto the dark fabric, slowly undressing her. Everything about her was perfect to him: her light, her velvet hair, the curve of her neck....

His breathing hitched as he wrangled in his attraction. He was being overwhelmed by the exact emotion he'd been suppressing for almost two decades:

Desire.

Pulling his hand away, Ren took a curt step back. Rey's face became a mixture of hurt and confusion.

"Are you alright?" she inquired, reaching out to him.

Ren retreated from her touch. With accelerated progression, he was losing the sense of who he was in her presence, and it was being replaced by… he didn't know what. Lust was a feeling he'd always kept under control, but now, it was being blended with an emotion that was amplifying it.

Even when he was Ben, he had never felt this way.

Ever.

Ren was absolutely petrified and his face must have shown it since Rey slowly advanced toward him, the wrinkling of her brow displaying her concern. With raised hands, she neared him in a defenseless manner, as if she'd come upon a cornered and frightened cherfer.

"Ben."

His demeanor hardened upon hearing that name.

"You need to stop calling me that." His voice was low and discordant, making Rey stop herself a few feet from him. For the briefest of moments, fear shimmered across her features, but then she hardened her stare. He was trying to stop himself from being harsh with her, but he just couldn't. This was his involuntary defense mechanism to feeling fear.

"And what should I call you? Kylo Ren?" She held her chin up, refusing to back down from his sudden change in mood. "I can tell you right now that you will never hear me address you by that name. So, _you_ just need to accept it."

" _You_ need to understand that I am not Ben anymore," he bit back.

Rey threw her arms in the air out of frustration. "Then who are you?! And if you say Kylo Ren, I am _gone_." Her hand quickly sliced through the air as he felt his heart skip a beat. "The Force bond between us can be damned, cause I'm not going to be tied to a monster. You need to decide what you are doing here. I know where I stand. I told you I would leave with you and I sure as hell meant it, but I want to make one thing absolutely clear: If you revert back to who you were, I will have no choice but to stop you from hurting innocent people."

Ren arched a brow. "I thought you said you were incapable of killing me?"

Her eyes were daggers upon him. "If my hand was forced, I would. Don't think for one second that I would allow you to hurt or kill someone in front of me." 

"I'll just have to murder someone when you're unaware," he sneered.

She came at him, hands shoving at his chest, sending him tumbling into the wall. He regained his balance quickly as he watched Rey fume.

"Why can't you just be a good person?!" she yelled, her voice reverberating through the galley and lounge, echoing off the ship walls.

"When people see good, they expect good." He seethed between clenched teeth. "And I don't want to live up to anyone's expectations."

"You say that like being a good person is difficult," she countered. "It's not!"

"That is an extremely naïve thing to say!" The anger and frustration came booming out of his voice before he could stop it. Wide eyed, Rey froze, not being able to look away from his twisted face. "Now, let _me_ take a turn to make something clear to _you_. I am a monster because I want to be. I chose to live in the dark and forsake the light so I could accomplish my own goals." His breathing was ragged and heavy, but he didn't try to calm himself. "I have betrayed, killed, and tortured so many people that I don't even remember their faces anymore. Those kinds of worthless beings are cheap and mass produced, weak and undeserving of living in an organized society. Killing them was no worse then putting down a crazed dog. And I enjoyed every minute of it." Rey crossed her arms, keeping her body firmly in place. His confession didn't have the intended effect of frightening her, and that irked him.

 _Stop doing this. Stop trying to push her away_ , a weak voice inside his head pleaded.

"I thought you didn't lie," she told him.

His eyes narrowed as he attempted to read her thoughts, but she was successfully blocking him. As usual, her fast learning capabilities were proving to be incredibly sufficient.

"I don't."

"So are you telling me that your own father was a rabid dog in need of killing? That you enjoyed murdering him?"

A sudden coldness hit at his core, his muscles tightening as his neck straightened. Ren was so taken aback by her statement that he didn't know how to immediately react. Her anger over the circumstances of Han's death was evident all over her face, and he was an idiot to think that for one second she would actually want to stay with him. She said she would, but below the surface, she must not want to.

Ren knew he deserved her anger and disgust, but Rey's words made him unwillingly seethe.

Waves of regret washed off of her, the lines of her face contorting in shame. Ren stalked forward, his whole body shaking with unmitigated adrenaline, his lips curled back into a snarl. "Get off my ship." Venom dripped off of his words, but before he could see her reaction, he'd already left the galley. As he crossed the lounge, his head reflexively snapped to the right.

Sitting at the table, with a smug look on his face, was the pilot.

"Ben!" Rey ran out into the room, lurching to a stop once catching sight of Poe.

Poe's fingers tapped against the metal top in quick succession. "For a second there, I thought I would have to come in and break you two apart before you killed each other." Ren didn't respond to the pilot, and neither did Rey. He should've been shocked that their argument had been overheard, but all he felt was annoyance that he hadn't been aware of the eavesdroppers presence in the first place. His anger must have clouded his ability to sense him. "Now that we're all in the same room," Poe continued, "there are some things we need to discuss. Unless you two aren't done yelling yet. In which, I'll wait."

Ren resumed his way to the door. "I'm done talking to self-righteous people."

"We need to contact the Resistance," said Poe. That caught Ren's attention. He rubbed his face, aggravated that he kept going from one problem to another. "I was waiting for Rey to wake so we could contact them together. Oh, and I fixed the fuel leak. You're welcome."

Ren glanced to Rey. She was frantically looking between the two men. Ren waited for her to verbalize what she wanted to do. A part of him was tempted to throw himself at her feet, beg her to stay, tell her he would do anything if she just didn't leave. But his pride wouldn't allow him to acquiesce to such a pathetic display.

He'd told her to leave. He needed to stick by his request.

Rey's stare lingered on the pilot, Poe starting to look at her in confusion. Her eyes snapped to Ren. "I'm not going back to the Resistance. I won't leave you."

Mouth slackened, Ren's face lost all its strain. This girl, this stubborn woman who had relived the moment he'd killed his father, who had stood her ground as he treated her harshly only just a moment ago... was going to stay. It wasn't logical.

"What?" Poe sprang to his feet. "Rey, you can't stay here. With him!"

Ren and Rey were sill gazing at each other, not paying Poe any heed. She opened herself to him, a flood of her remorse washing into his well of emotions. She was sorry for what she'd said about his father, for she had already known just how much he died inside every time he thought about it.

"Hello?" Poe spoke, waving his hands.

Ren reluctantly ripped his eyes from Rey, turning his awareness to the confounded pilot.

"Poe, you can contact the Resistance after Ben and I are gone," Rey said evenly. "I can't risk them catching him,"

Poe scoffed. "Are you kidding me? He's a criminal! He murdered–"

"You don't have to remind me of all the things he's done." She took a deep breath. "I know you're confused, but I know what I'm doing."

"Do you?" Poe challenged. "Because no sane person would make a decision like this."

Rey shrugged. "Then maybe I'm not sane, but I think the Force is trying to tell me that my destiny is somehow intertwined with Ben's." Poe turned away, shaking his head as he pulled at his hair.

"Poe," Rey said softly, hesitantly walking to the pilot as he pivoted back around. "Have you ever had a feeling that you were meant for something more, that something was calling out to you, but you didn't know what it was?" The pilot remained silent, but from his solemn expression, he seemed to understand what Rey was trying to convey to him. "I have felt that way my whole life. I would sit on the desert sand and look up at the stars, knowing I was supposed to be out there. I could feel someone trying to draw me away from wasting my life on Jakku, but I was too afraid to find them. I let my naïve hope of seeing my family again stop me from living."

The pilot wanted to trust her, but his uncertainty was stopping him from doing so.

Rey continued. "When I learned about the Jedi and Luke, I thought that was the path I'd always been seeking. But even while I trained, I still felt like I was lost. But when Ben finally found me on the island, everything fell into place. My path and his are the same, and whatever comes our way, we need to face it together. As equals. That is my destiny, and nothing will change it. Not you, and not the Resistance."

Ren stood there, completely captivated by the sheer conviction behind Rey's words. Even the pilot was speechless, looking at the girl in defeat. He shook his head in disbelief, averting his eyes down to the floor. It seemed he was about to say something, but he turned away and left the lounge, not looking back at the two of them.

He felt her mood sadden over the need for someone – other than the two of them – to understand why she didn't want to leave him. Years ago, he'd stopped caring what other people thought of him in order to guard himself from feeling like a huge failure. Rey was still quite knew to the whole concept of having caring people in her life, and he could sense her worry over how they would judge her for embracing a destiny they could not understand.

Ren reached out to Poe's thoughts, trying to get an idea as to what the pilot was thinking. "He's trying to decide whether to stay, or to leave you," he told Rey. "But he won't contact the Resistance till you tell him to." The pilot trusted her, at least.

Rey remained motionless, showing no sign of having heard him. Comforting others wasn't an area Ren knew well, but he had an undeniable craving to see her smile. To be happy.

He should make amends for how he acted in the galley.

"Rey?" She turned, lifting her melancholy eyes to his. "May I show you something?" Perplexed, she nodded. He motioned for her to follow. After stopping by the rooms for their boots, he led her to the cargo bay and initiated the ramp to be lowered. The warm air of the planet brushed across his skin as he and Rey made their way down the exit.

"What is this?" she asked, reaching out as if she could catch the atmosphere. "I've never felt this before." Upon stepping off the ramp, Ren watched her face fill with wonder. It was still dark out, with only a minuscule amount of light starting to show from the rising sun. Thick green vines hung down from the lush branches above, bushes covering the white, sandy ground beneath them. She walked to one of the random trees, twirling and waving her arms against all the vines.

"It's called humidity," Ren explained, his heartbeat quickening. "Higher levels of water vapor accumulate in tropical environments."

"Tropical? Are we near an ocean?" Her beaming face was infectious, and he couldn't stop a wide grin from commandeering his usual stoic jaw.

Ren nodded. "Follow me and I can show you." He made a pathway through the thick foliage as the sound of the soft ocean waves came to his ears. He needed to see Rey take in the breathtaking view of the sunrise over the sea. When she had tasted the hot chocolate, he knew he had to be with her whenever she experienced anything for the first time.

They walked out of the vegetation as their boots hit the compactness of the shoreline.

The sun was already peaking out from the horizon as the beginning orange and red hues skirted across the rippling expanse of water, a blush of scarlet likened unto that of barabel fruit. Pure, white sand covered the peaceful beach, contrasting beautifully against the green tree line.

He could feel the amazement and awe emanating from Rey, and allowed himself to get lost in her experience. How blind had he become to these little glimpses of beauty? Since he'd acclimated himself to living in the shadows, torturing himself for a purpose. For once, Ren was content with not wearing his mask, for it would have distorted the view before him.

Rey fell to her knees, her hands covering her mouth. Unblinkingly, she absorbed the scenery through her overwhelmed eyes. Ren sat beside her, legs crossed and not saying a word. He didn't want to ruin this moment for her, or for him. All he wanted to do was to look at her, to memorize every single emotion that came across her sun kissed face. The sunrise was no doubt beautiful, but Rey looked absolutely stunning in the morning light, her wavy hair shimmering against the rays as Ren wondered what his fingers would feel as he combed them through those brown tresses.

But he just basked in her youthful innocence, rubbing his hands together, imagining.

Her name humbly left his lips. "Rey."

"Yes?" Her response was barely above a whisper as she kept her eyes on the dawn.

"How old are you?"

Her stare didn't waver, and he questioned if she even heard him at all.

"Nineteen," she finally responded.

He clenched his teeth together and looked down at the small patch of sand between them. He'd been hoping she was older.

"How old are you?" she asked. Her eyes were upon him now, but he didn't look up or respond. "Should I guess?" Ren shrugged. "Hmmmm… Twenty-two?" He shook his head as he glanced back up at her. He must not have told her he was twenty-three when he'd left his uncle, for if she knew, she could have easily calculated his age.

"I'm twenty-nine."

The smile she'd been sporting left her lips, replaced with astonishment. "You're twenty-nine? You're ten years older than me?"

_Just like my parents…._

He shifted his view to the glowing horizon. "It would seem that way." Really, it was ridiculous for him to feel uneasy about her age. She was an adult and it's not like anything had happened between them, nor would it ever. All he'd done was think about her in an inappropriate way, which made him feel like he had wronged her somehow.

"Why are you feeling uncomfortable?" she asked, sensing it.

"You're just… younger than I thought you would be."

"Well, you're older than I thought and I'm fine with it." She paused, studying his face as he watched the small waves roll onto the sand. "What? Do you view me as a child now?" _No, and that's the problem_. He viewed her as very much a woman. "Can we not be friends because of our age difference?" A hint of sarcasm seeped through her words as she tried to lighten the mood, but her undertone was serious.

At hearing the word "friend", his heart skipped a beat. "You... want to be my friend?"

A friend was such a foreign concept to him. It would help if he had one while growing up, but he hadn't.

He found himself feeling grateful for her, and he tensed at the feeling.

"Yes," she answered. "And I very much want you to be mine."

 _Friends. She wants me to be her friend_. He had no idea how to be one of those, and he was afraid he'd be awful at it.

From the outside, the conversation probably sounded childish, but Ren was an adult and he was taking Rey's request very seriously. His throat involuntarily constricted and he didn't want to answer her for fear of sounding emotional over something so simple.

She twisted on her knees, situating herself directly in his line of vision. As he focused on her, he could feel the buzzing of their bond as it became electric. They were having another moment, like the one in the galley. But this time, Ren didn't back away.

"Ben?" He could sense her concern over the possibility of him refusing her, which was ridiculous for her to even entertain.

Ren knew he would never deny her anything.

He exhaled long and peacefully. "I've never had a friend," he admitted timidly, "and I might not be good at it... but I will endeavor to be yours."

()()()()()

Rey observed Ben's desolate face and she failed to prevent herself from feeling pity for him. _Never had a friend…_ The more she learned about his life, the more it became clear as to how he'd fallen so deep into the shadows.

_Maybe he just needs someone to believe in him._

She lifted her hand, wiggling her fingers. "I can count the number of friends I have on one hand, so I'm very much a novice to the whole concept as well. But, I'm sure we can figure it out together."

A small smile touched his face as he nodded in agreement. "Together," he agreed quietly.

They stared at each other for a few moments, allowing the fact that they could now label what was between them sink into their thoughts.

Then Rey bit at her lip, glancing to the foliage behind him. "Look, Ben, about what happened in the galley–"

"You don't need to apologize," he interjected honestly. "I was being harsh towards you when I shouldn't have been. I'm sorry." She sat back onto her heels and rested her palms on her thighs. "I can be… a difficult person to get along with."

She snorted and chuckled as he made the most obvious statement in the universe. "I figured that out from the first time I ever met you." Images of their meeting on Takodana crossed her mind. All of that felt like it had happened a lifetime ago, when in reality, it had only been a couple weeks since that encounter.

Ben stroked his hair back, refusing to look at her again. He'd grown uncomfortable.

"You don't like when I bring up our past confrontations," Rey stated, tilting her head while observing him.

"No."

She waited for him to talk further, but he kept silent, letting the sound of the gentle breeze verbalize what he refused to. Rey hoped that as they spent more time together, he would be able to talk to her more freely. And openly.

There was still so much she wanted to know about him.

"How are you feeling?" He abruptly changed the subject, raising his head. "Your injuries–"

"I'm feeling great, actually," she exclaimed with extra pep in her tone. Ben narrowed his eyes. "Really, I am. My ribs are just a tiny bit sore, but everything else seems to have healed. You must be really gifted in Force healing."

"Quite the opposite, actually. Healing was never a strong talent of mine. I had to heal you every few hours for it to even make a difference."

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You… healed me multiple times throughout the night?" He nodded. "Did you even get any sleep?"

He shrugged, indifferent. "I slept in short bursts. I'm used to having erratic sleeping patterns."

Rey tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Well... thank you. For making me feel better."

His brows creased. "I gave you those injuries. You shouldn't be thanking me for anything."

She gave him a flat stare and smirked. "Can you just accept my gratitude instead of minimizing how you helped me?" Still, he gave no response. Rey decided to not press him any further. She needed to choose her battles with him, and she didn't want to get in an argument over something trivial.

With a deep sigh, Rey crawled back to her position next to him, relishing in watching the spectacle over the ocean.

They lost track of time as they sat on the packed sand, talking to one another. Well she did most of the talking, while he just sat there and patiently listened. She spoke mostly about the stories of her scavenging adventures on Jakku, and he seemed to be taking a genuine interest in her life. He still kept a certain part of himself closed off from her, though, and Rey wanted to know what part of him that was. Whenever he did speak, he stayed on topics that were in the present – like how she had slept for eighteen hours, or how him and Poe made an effort to stay away from each other.

Rey turned her head to the right as she suddenly heard music playing off in the distance. The island curved around in a crescent shape, and she could vaguely see the outline of buildings along the far off cliff.

"That's the city Khalon," Ben explained, following her line of sight. "Spira is a huge tourist planet, with numerous islands scattered throughout the ocean. They all have cities just like that one." Rey stood and crept closer to the waves, trying to get a better view of the town. It was still too far away, but she could make out the music a little better.

She found herself liking the soft melody and wishing to get closer look. "Any chance we could go over there?"

Ben came up next to her, peering at the illuminated city. She wanted to observe how people lived so carefree and in such a beautiful place. Maybe she could even pretend that she was one of them. Just for a day.

Ben hesitated. "We shouldn't take the chance of being recognized. Even though I erased myself from the First Order archives, there's still a chance I could be identified."

Of course, Ben was right. To venture through the town would be foolish and could put them in danger.

_But, the First Order doesn't know what I look like._

()()()()()

Finn picked up his legs, increasing his momentum as he ran through the snow, darting around one of the building clusters surrounding the Resistance base. The air was chilly and the wind had picked up considerably since he first began, but he kept pushing himself well passed exhaustion. His gait was still hindered by his mild limp, but he was getting better at adjusting his movements to the defect.

He collapsed onto the packed snow, his back on the cold ground as he gazed up at the brilliant blue sky. It had almost been a full day since the battle on the island, and he'd spent most of his time since with Luke Skywalker. Listening to the Jedi Master recount what he'd witnessed between Poe, Rey, and Kylo Ren had left Finn with more questions than answers. Clearly, Skywalker was just as confused as he was since he couldn't come up with a logical explanation as to what had happened.

One thing they'd both agreed on? Rey would never join the First Order.

To Finn, it was absolutely impossible that Kylo had turned back to the light. Could the guy forsake the First Order? That was what it sounded like from all the accounts, but Finn had heard so much of the infamous Kylo Ren while being a stormtrooper that he knew something else was going on. Finn was positive that Ren had his own agenda that was separate from the First Order and the Supreme Leader, and it somehow involved Rey.

But she'd gone with him willingly, so what did that mean? All night and all morning, his mind has been on repeat as he went over all the details and all the reports. He was no closer to coming to a conclusion than he was an hour ago. He needed to find his friends, but he felt useless from not knowing where to even start his search.

He sat up, pulling at the bottom of his sweater to wipe off his drenched face. Steam rose from his heated body, and his mouth was in need of some water as he tried to swallow what little saliva he had left.

Finn had parted ways with Skywalker a few hours ago, after the Jedi Master proclaimed he was going to try meditating some more to locate the general. Leia Organa missing was a huge mess in and of its self. Her brother speculated that she was either unconscious or something was blocking her Force signature from being detected. When they'd been bouncing ideas off of each other as to who could have taken Leia, Skywalker immediately ruled out his nephew.

However, Finn was still not completely convinced.

It could also be the First Order, but Finn had brought up a good point that they would've made it immediately known that the general was their prisoner, maybe even going as far as publicly executing her by now. They could be waiting to show their hand, but Finn knew General Hux was impatient when it came to showing the strength of the First Order. Killing a Resistance general on the HoloNet would definitely showcase their prowess.

"Oh!" came a feminine voice. Finn jumped to his feet and spun around to face a surprised Jessika Pava. "Finn. I didn't know you were out here." Her almond eyes scanned the area around them. "What are you doing?" She walked forward, her long black hair catching in the strong wind gusts.

"I wanted to run outside with some privacy." He gave her an embarrassed grin. "Didn't want people to see how goofy I probably looked while trying to get my strength back, ya know?"

"I can barely tell you've been injured, and no one would think you look ridiculous." 

"But I feel ridiculous."

Jess gave him a reassuring smile as she tried to keep her hair out of her face. "Hey, since you're here, could you help me grab some stuff from inside? My sensory arrays on my ship were damaged during the fight and I need some spare parts to fix them."

"Sure."

He followed her to the front of the building and was glad to be out of the wind when he entered the junk-filled warehouse. He stood off to the side, watching Jess as she searched through numerous columns for the hardware. Mechanics was not a talent of his, so he decided to stay out of her way while she combed through everything.

"So," she said while rifling through a box full of wires on the floor. "Have you heard anything more about Poe?" Jess asked, trying to hide her nerves, but Finn could tell she was anxious by how her voice tightened.

"No. I haven't been told anything else since I talked to you last night." Her shoulders slumped, but she quickly regained her composure as she grabbed a long cord out of the box. "You care about him, don't you?"

Jess froze and then slowly looked at Finn. He knew it probably wasn't his place to ask her such a question, but his curiosity got the best of him.

Her lips formed a shy grin as she cast her gaze down in embarrassment. "I do, but he doesn't even know I exist."

"What are you talking about? You guys are good friends." That's what Poe told Finn, anyway.

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, he technically knows I exist since we're in the same squadron, but I'm talking about... him caring for me. As more than a friend." She went to an empty box in the corner and began to fill it with her equipment.

"Why didn't you tell him this?"

A weak exhale escaped from Jess. "I wanted to. So many times, but I always got too scared. And now, I might never get a chance to tell him." Finn could relate to how Jess felt, but he refused to let himself think that he would never see Rey again. He cared for her, more than he has for anyone else in his life. Poe was a close second and he was now missing alongside Rey. The only thing holding Finn together was being able to talk with the Jedi Master. The man seemed to be wise and confident that his two friends were fine.

Finn clung to that assurance.

"Yes, you will," Finn said sternly, taking a few steps toward her. "Rey and Poe are either going to escape, or we'll find them first. You'll get your chance, Testor."

With eyes dark like a cloud before rain, she said, "I hope so."

The Resistance was more focused on finding General Organa, which was understandable. But Finn made sure to constantly check in with one of the admirals so they wouldn't forget about Poe and Rey. All of them kept explaining that if they found the general, his two friends would be close behind since Kylo Ren took all three of them. Finn knew that was just an assumption on their part, and he decided to put his trust with Skywalker instead. He had to, or his anger would drive him to start being reckless.

"If anyone could figure their way out of a bind," Jess added, more vigor behind her voice, "it's Poe. He can get them out."

A chuckle from Finn filled the silent building. "Poe? I was thinking Rey. Seriously, she kicked Ren's ass the last they fought and she's been training as a Jedi." Finn's statement made Jess smile in the dim light. "She's the one who will get them away from that psychopath."

Jess lifted the hefty box, walking passed Finn to the table, hefting her findings on the metal slab. She then resumed her search on the other side of the room.

"Someone seriously needs to kill that guy already. You think Rey could do it?" Jess crawled half way into one of the shelves, pushing a group of radar cases out the way. Finn knew Rey wasn't a killer, but if she had to choose between Ren's life and hers, she would choose to survive.

"I think if she had no other choice, she'd kill him." _I hope…_

"You know," Jess pushed her upper body out from the plethora of gadgets, "I'm surprised you aren't at the containment center on base." A streak of oil was plastered across her cheek as she faced him.

He scrunched his forehead, perplexed. "Why would I be over there?"

"Because of all the stormtroopers they have locked up."

Finn froze, not completely understanding what she was saying.

"Stormtroopers? What are you talking about?"

"You don't know?" Finn shook his head, looking at her incredulously. "A group of stormtroopers surrendered during the battle on the island." Finn's heart started to pound in his ears as he tried to listen to Jess. "That New Republic fleet admiral is calling for their executions, but not everyone on the council is on board with that idea. I thought–"

Finn darted out of the building, not caring that he left Jess behind with all her stuff to carry. He'll apologize to her later, but right now, he needed to get to the containment center.

Finn was really growing to hate Grand Admiral Trend. That lady thought she could just waltz onto the Resistance base and take control of everything. What's worse was that no one was really trying to stop her. Admiral Ackbar and Statura were both trying to undermine her, but she outranked them, which gave the two men no power. Her only equivalent was General Organa, but she was gone and Skywalker couldn't find her.

Finn's boots crunched against the compacted snow as he booked it toward one of the hangar bays. If he had left the First Order so he could be free, there had to be others who felt the same as him. There had to be other stormtroopers who desperately wanted to escape their slavery, and Finn would help them to do so.

_Vassena Trend and her orders be damned.  
_

()()()()()

"Concentrate on forming a wall around your mind," Ren lectured, but not condescendingly. His tone was helpful. "Envision it. Let the Force bind the barrier together so nothing can get through."

Beads of sweat were starting to riddle Rey's forehead as Ren felt her attempts at trying to block him out. She'd yet to successfully do it.

They'd spent the majority of the day on the beach, only going aboard the ship for food and to use the refresher. He was sure his face and arms had sustained a light sunburn, but he didn't have the heart to take Rey away from a place she clearly wanted to be in.

Shortly after he'd tossed down Rey's question about visiting the city, she began to beg him to teach her some Force abilities. Specifically Force Concealment, so she could block her mind from being invaded. At first he refused her, since teaching her would involve him to break down her barriers so she could learn. It reminded him too much of the day he interrogated her on Starkiller base.

"But this is different," she had said, trying to make Ren realize that this time she was consenting to him using the Force on her. The girl was very persistent and had eventually worn down his resolve as they trekked along the beach. Hopefully she won't have this incessant need to learn anything else from him, but in the back of his mind, he knew he'd opened Rey's curiosity.

Now, sitting in the serene spot Rey had found on the beach, Ren was bombarding Rey's mind with his own. The girl was a quick study and a natural at using the Force, but he could feel her exhaustion starting to make weak spots in her barrier. Ren receded, not wanting to cause Rey any more pain from battering down her blockade.

She lifted her shirt to wipe her sweaty brow, revealing the lightsaber scar across her abdomen.

He glanced away.

"Lets go again," Rey demanded. The sun was beginning to set, signaling to Ren that they should be done for the day.

"We should start heading back to the ship before dark. I haven't seen the pilot all day, which is making me uneasy." Ren started to rise, but Rey grabbed onto his arm, pulling him back down.

Their knees touched from the close proximity.

"Poe's fine." She dismissed his concern with a lazy wave of the hand. "And you said earlier he wouldn't contact the Resistance." Rey eyed the decreasing light in the sky. "And we still have an hour of light left. I should keep practicing." She squared off at Ren, trying to hide any signs of weariness.

But he could feel how tired she was. "Rey, you're exhausted and should rest. You can practice again tomorrow."

"But... I was wanting to practice dueling with our lightsabers tomorrow." And what do you know, here Rey was, asking more from him. "You once offered to be my teacher. So, teach me." Ren rubbed his face and sighed deeply into his hands. Rey was so damn persistent and eager to learn that he was tired just from telling her no so many times. He didn't even know why he bothered resisting, since he knew he would let her get what she wanted eventually.

"What, you have something important going on tomorrow?" she asked, placing her hands on her hips.

He gave her a flat stare through his long fingers. "No." _Just trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life now…._ His hands dropped to his lap, defeated.

"Great," Rey said, perking up. "In the morning we can practice saber dueling. Then in the afternoon, we can do more mental exercises. And if there's time in the evening, you can help me with Force pushing and pulling objects. I'm glad we could come to an agreement on the schedule _."_ They eyed each other as they both refused to back down. The girl was unexpectedly bossy, but Ren discovered that he liked seeing her stand up to him. So many people would cower from his persona, but not her.

She was trying so hard to look intimidating, but watching her sit there in his oversized clothes made her look sort of ridiculous. His lips started to open into a wide grin. It spread all the way to his ears and his eyes lit up from the serene feeling bubbling up from his core. A big, boisterous laugh filled the evening air around them and it took him a moment to realize the _he_ was the one who was laughing.

"Are you laughing at me?" Rey was trying to remain serious, but failed as her own lighthearted giggle joined his.

Ren had always been a serious person. Even when he felt happy, which was rare, his face would remain immobile, sunk into the kind of foreboding you would see right before you did something regretful. But watching Rey try to order him around awoke something inside him that had long since been dead and buried: happiness. The feeling infected his cold-calculating heart, warming his cheeks and making it so he could barely breathe as laugh after laugh rolled from his stomach and out of his mouth. All the anguish over the past few days melted away, creating a blessed relief from all the distress that had shoved its way into his life.

He wrapped his arms around his middle, trying to remedy the burn from the pulsating contractions. Gradually, he was able to control his breathing and calm himself, but he still clutched onto the joyous feeling like it was a lifeline.

His focus turned back to Rey and he saw her smiling as a tear rolled out of her eye. Immediately, he grew concerned and confused. "Are you alright?" His hand stretched out to wipe her tear away, but he stopped himself mere inches from her face. He needed to stop thinking that he had the right to touch her in such an intimate way.

"You look so goofy and happy when you laugh, it made you look so young. So… alive." And he did feel alive for the first time in years. Death had been his constant companion, but now Rey was starting to take its place.

"No one has ever called me goofy before," he pointed out. Rey wiped her face while never taking her eyes away from his. If Ren could get his way, he would want to stay on this island and stare at her for the rest of his life. But life had always been cruel to him, and he knew such a thing was unattainable.

Her eyes grew soft as the moment lost its playfulness. "Ben?"

"Yes?"

She hesitated and started to play with her fingers in her lap. Ren noticed she would do that whenever she felt flustered.

"You know I'm not a fragile little girl, right?" Of course he knew she wasn't fragile, but it was hard to not treat her as such. "If you push me beyond my limits, I won't break. I know how to adapt; its what I've been doing my whole life. I held my own against you in the snow, remember?"

"I'll never be able to forget that." Really, he never would.

She leaned forward. "I – I need to learn more about the Force. And I want you to teach me." He was about to retort, but she cut him off. "I don't like to use this against you, but you owe it to me. You cut my training with Master Luke short." Rey was making a considerably good point. "I don't want you to show me anything that pertains to the dark side. Just teach me some fundamental things. That's all I ask." Her features were silently imploring him to accept her proposal and he could sense his apprehension growing weaker.

"Are you sure you know what you're asking?" He was in no way a gentle teacher and she needed to know that. If she wanted him to push her, he would.

"Yes," she replied.

Then her first true lesson would start right now.

He drove directly into her mind without warning, causing her to slightly retreat back in pain and surprise. She grabbed her head, trying to alleviate the sudden explosion gripping her cognizance.

"Don't try to physically push me out," he told her. "You need to do it from within."

She threw up her barrier, but Ren easily made it collapse. He could feel her being overwhelmed by his sudden attack, so he started to pull back a little.

"Don't you dare stop!" Her eyes shot open, looking at him with powerful conviction. "I can do this." Indeed, he knew she could do it. She'd achieved blocking him in the interrogation room, but that was under dire circumstances. A person could push themselves to great lengths when they felt threatened.

He leaned in closer, feeling her fear and desperation, but this time it was not directed at him.

She was afraid of failing.

Even though his eyes were open, it was if he stood among the morphing images of her life growing up on Jakku. She had watched, helplessly, as a fellow scavenger was being torn apart by steelpeckers. The man had unknowingly opened a hatch that lead to the vicious birds nest, and they pounced on his meaty flesh instantly. Ren felt her horror, but Rey never turned away from the grisly image. She'd watched the whole thing.

The image changed, swirling into a scene inside her AT-AT. She was younger, maybe around ten years old, curled up on the floor. Her breathing was raspy and her lips were bleeding from their dried cracks. A storm outside had her holed up in her home, and Ren could tell that she'd been stuck inside for days without food and water. She was slowly dying.

Cold air hit him from behind, and he turned to see Rey holding his grandfathers lightsaber. She was snarling and circling a figure in the snow.

The figure was him, just after she'd slashed his face. The ground opened, separating them. She ran away into the forest, bewildered and scared.

In a blink, he was now standing over a dark skinned man laying face down in the snow. It was FN-2187, and he was exactly where Ren had left him after slicing through his back. Rey ran to her friend and sunk to her knees. With tears pouring from her sullen eyes, she rested her head onto the man's jacket.

Something vibrated off to his left. Ren looked to the forest where Rey had just come from. He drifted closer to the noise, faintly hearing a ship land somewhere behind him. There was a dark shadow forming in between the trees, his curiosity needing to be satiated as to what it was. He tried to push through it, but it blocked him. Out of frustration, he rammed his mind against it, making it weaken.

With one final shove, the shadow burst forth into a fierce ball of light.

The brightness surrounded him, crippling him among its immense power. All too quickly, he was violently shoved into his own psyche, his eyes focusing back on reality. Rey was holding onto his arms tightly, concentrating on his face. He tossed up his own mental block, but she shattered it to pieces like it was made of thin glass.

She was mentally pushing him too far back, not knowing how to handle the sudden power flowing through her. He tried to call out, tried to yell her name, but he couldn't remember how to even form words. Speckles of black danced across his vision as his head pounded and his throat stung with bile. He couldn't hold himself upright any longer. His body fell to the sand as he blacked out completely.

()()()()()

Everything around him was dark: black sky, upon a black perimeter, upon black ground. But somehow, where he stood was being lit by an indiscernible light source. He took a step, a pool of black water swishing at the ankles of his boots.

Ren whirled around. "Hello!" he called out, but received no response. His voice didn't even echo in the pit of the void.

And then he recognized where he was. He'd been stuck in here before, by his master when being taught a lesson. But he wasn't imprisoned this time. Rey had just pushed him too far into his own subconscious.

What started off as a walk turned into a jog, that quickly morphed into a panicked run. Nothing appeared to him but darkness and water. But physicality wasn't going to make him claw his way out of here, it had to come from within. It was the lesson Ren had literally been teaching Rey.

"I found you," a sinister voice boomed, omnipotent and dripping of acrimony.

Ren slid across the slick surface, trying to halt his quickening feet. Fear gripped him and held him tight, refusing to let go.

"You cannot flee from me, young Solo. I made you into who you are." Snoke's voice hissed at his apprentice. Ren bolted in the opposite direction, feeling the bottom half of his trousers becoming soaked.

_Where am I going? Where's Rey?_

"So, your sentiment for the girl has grown stronger. Such a pathetic emotion, one that I thought you'd be strong enough to resist." Ren spun around, trying desperately to sense any semblance of an outlet. "But if you kill the girl, you can come back. No punishment will befall you, and you can rule the galaxy by my side." Ren's mouth had gone dry and panic was making him breathe erratically. "You were always my most promising student, the one with the most power, but without my guidance, the light and the dark within you will tear you apart. Only through me will you gain true freedom from the conflict within."

Shame shot through him as he actually considered his masters offer. He didn't want to be alone anymore and Snoke was offering him a place back by his side, to rid himself of being pulled in two different directions. But he wasn't alone, for he had Rey now.

His eyes scanned the obscurity, wanting so badly for her to appear.

_This is a nightmare. It isn't real._

"This is very much real," Snoke replied.

Ren pulled at his hair, clenching his teeth together till he thought they would shatter.

"Kneel before me, my apprentice, and tell me where you are." Ren dropped to his knees, the water rippling out around him. The pressure under his skull intensified as his master tried to pry into his mind. Ren was slowly losing the futile battle. He clutched onto his head and screamed out in agony _._

_I'm alone._

"Ben." Rey's voice, as quiet as a breeze, floated across the nothingness. He raised his head, eyes zeroing in on a small light in the distance. He scrambled to his feet, tossing up water in his wake as he sprinted towards the flickering exit. His master's demands grew faint as he drew nearer to the brightness ahead.

"Ben!" Reys voice was louder and anxious, calling him eagerly to her. He wanted – no, needed to see her, to be with her.

"Ben!" He threw his body into the light, leaving the place of torment behind.

()()()()()

Waves of power swelled inside her as she grasped onto Ben's arms. She glared into his eyes, mentally shoving him back into his own mind, but she couldn't stop there. The power opposed her command to cease, and instead began to put too much pressure on Ben's psyche.

Flashes of his life filled her consciousness.

He was a little boy, glaring at himself in a mirror. His fist shot out over and over again, destroying the glass with his bloodied knuckles. The picture shifted, showing the outside of a wide building at night. Kylo Ren stalked up to the building, his knights following him close behind. Colors dissolved the scene and reformed into the inside of her AT-AT. Ben held her doll, peering at the tick marks on the far wall.

A quick succession of images came next: a yellow lightsaber, Unkar Plutt on the ground, Han's face, and her strapped to the interrogation table. Rey blinked, refocusing her vision back onto Ben. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and she lost the grip on his arms as he fell back onto the ground.

Shock claimed her and she became panicked as she watched Ben's body start to seize. Sharp grunts came from his mouth as his muscles tightened in his neck, preventing him from breathing normally.

"Ben!" She cried out, but he kept shaking. She climbed up his body, straddling his midsection. Carefully, her hands cupped both sides of his face and she locked her arms to stop his head from jolting. "Ben! Wake up!"

Her spine shivered as she could feel a sinister presence beating off of him, but it didn't belong to him. This feeling was uncontaminated evil, a far cry from what Ben's aura felt like to her. His body was starting to thrash around more violently, and Rey was having a tough time keeping herself from toppling over.

"Shhhhhhhhhh. Ben, listen to my voice. Wake up, come back." Her face was so close to his that she could feel his sharp breaths on her skin. Tears welled up on the side of his shut eyelids and Rey's heart broke as she watched them slide down his temples, becoming lost in his black hair. She felt so helpless in that moment. She still didn't know much about the Force to aid him.

Ben was the only one who would know what to do during something like this.

She felt so naïve at embracing that power inside of her when she hadn't been aware of the ramifications from using it.

Rey lowered her cheek so it was resting against his, whispering his name into his ear. "Ben."

His seizing slowed. She raised her head, hopeful. But his eyes were still glued shut. Her hands switched to clinging onto his grey shirt, shaking him. "Ben!" She screamed into his face. "Ben!"

He opened his eyes, locking his dark irises onto Rey.

Both of them remained still as they drank in each others company. Tersely, she threw herself onto him, nuzzling her head into the crook of his neck. Her arms dug into the sand as she wrapped her two limbs beneath him.

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea what I was doing. I couldn't control whatever the hell that was. I'm so, so sorry," she kept repeating, speaking next to his ear frantically. His arms snaked around her torso, holding her tightly against his wide frame. He breathed deeply into her hair, sending chills down her back, finding the sensation to be welcoming.

They stayed close together for a long while. Rey could sense that if she pulled away from him, he might lose the control he was gradually gaining back. It made her feel perturbed that he still hadn't muttered a word, but she didn't want to push him.

Ben's fingers were making little circles on her back, drawing her focus to his touch.

"Rey." She unwound her arms and lifted her upper body, placing her hands firmly in the sand beside his head. He looked at her tenderly as their faces loomed close to one another. "I think we should take a break from Force lessons for a while." His lips twitched. 

Rey arched a brow. "You're making a joke, after what just happened?" Ben shrugged and gave her a sheepish grin. There was something sad about his eyes, though, and she knew he was hiding something from her. "What happened while you were out?"

"Nothing," he said too quickly. He was putting on a blank face as he tried to hide his thoughts from her, but she could feel he was lying. Ben didn't look emotionless unless he was trying to hide something.

"You pride yourself on not being a liar, remember?" she reminded him.

Ben quickly sat up, grabbing Rey's hips so she didn't lose her balance. She became flustered as she quickly realized she was sitting in his lap in a very precarious position. Ben's stare roamed over her lips before snapping back up to her eyes. Lightly, as if she were a child, he picked her up and placed her on the sand in front of him.

She studied his melancholic face as he scanned the dimly lit tree line on the beach."I… uh." He cleared his throat. "I'd rather just pretend it never happened." She bent her legs to her chest and rested her chin on her knees, waiting for him to continue. But he didn't.

"That's not how life works," she muttered. "There is no pretending." He nodded his head slowly in agreement before he proceeded to recount the events to her. That vile feeling that had been seeping out from him was Snoke, and Rey found herself becoming very territorial of Ben upon hearing that his master wanted him to return. After he killed her, of course.

That little detail didn't escape her notice.

While he was talking, he hadn't looked at her once. "Rey. You need to know that for a brief moment, I considered his proposal." Her mind went blank trying to decide how to respond to that confession. It shouldn't be that surprising to hear he'd thought over Snoke's offer, since just a couple days ago he'd been very loyal to his master. It was unrealistic to expect him to change over such a short amount of time.

A small part of her was still hoping he would, though.

"Ben, do you trust Snoke?" His eyes scrutinized the landscape as he thought over her question. How he responded was very important, because if he said yes, Rey had no idea what she would do. _Leave. I would probably leave_. And she really did not want to do that.

"He told me killing Han would make me stronger in the dark side, but it didn't. He said killing you would stop the conflict inside, but I realized while fighting you, that it would destroy me. So, in the end... he lied." The sunlight was almost completely gone from the sky, the moon slowly rising over the shimmering ocean. "No, I do not trust him."

Rey let out a long exhale of relief, closing her eyes as her rising anxiety began to subside.

A deep sob reached her ears and she opened her eyes to see Ben cradling his head in his hands. His chest was expanding quickly as he took in sharp inhales of humid air. She placed her hand on his thigh to comfort him, but he didn't seem to notice.

"I don't know what the hell I'm doing," he confessed. "My life is so fucked up that I'm an absolute mess. What am I supposed to do now? Where am I to go? Who am I supposed to be?" His hands racked through his hair, allowing her to look upon his tear stained face. A sardonic laugh came from his mouth, and his attention finally turned towards Rey. "Do you know the last time I ever cried like this? Aside from the caves and on Ahch-To?" Rey suspected the question was rhetorical, so she just stared at him, waiting for the answer. "I was ten, and I'd found out that I had failed one of my school exams. I thought my life was over and I was a wreck for a solid week." His voice was a mixture of laughing and crying, like the two emotion were battling for dominance. "Now look at me. I'm a neurotic perfectionist who no longer has a plan and has more questions than answers. I'm lost, and I have no bearings on what I should do from here."

rey scooted closer to him, squeezing his thigh in reassurance. "Ben, I think you're forgetting one very important detail." He glanced at her, mystified as to what she could be talking about. "You have me. You're not alone anymore."

His breathing tempered, the harrowed look melted into something tender and as soft as the impending moonlight. Placing his palm atop her hand, Rey turned it over, allowing him to lace his fingers through hers. "Neither are you," he said ardently.

She gave him the smallest of smiles. "We'll figure out what to do, and we'll do it together." His eyes clasped shut, releasing big welts of tears down his cheeks and off his chin.

"Promise?" he muttered. The question sounded so innocent, so childlike that Rey wanted to engulf him into her arms and hide him away from the cruelties of the galaxy. But she refrained herself.

"Promise."

Their stares met again, and out of everything they'd been through, after everything they've done to each other, looking in his eyes was what resonated with Rey the most. It always did. Ben might exude a hard exterior, but she remembered the first time she'd ever seen those irises from the vantage point of an interrogation chair, noticing the sensitivity behind his gaze.

This simple eye contact was all they would ever need to connect, Rey and Ben, just a stare, no words. If the Force bond somehow suddenly became silent, their enticement toward each other would always remain the same.

A fateful constant.


	16. Bumps in the Road

"I'm sorry, Finn, but you don't have access to go back there." A Resistance guard was holding Finn back from crossing the entryway into the containment facility. The guy clearly knew who Finn was, but Finn didn't know the man at all. Ever since the destruction of Starkiller, he couldn't escape how widely known he had become.

"I know there's stormtroopers back there and I need to speak with them. I probably know some of them!" Finn yelled, but the man stood by what he said. Finn sighed out of frustration, knowing that he needed to get the clearance to be able to talk to his ex-comrades.

He contemplated finding Skywalker, but in this situation there was really nothing he could do. So Finn started to search throughout the base, trying to find a military official. One room after the next came up empty. His annoyance was starting to grow into anger until he finally saw Admiral Statura walking down the hallway.

"Admiral!" Statura turned upon hearing his title and waited for Finn to reach him. Finn didn't waste anytime with formalities. "The stormtroopers in the facility, they deserve fair treatment and shouldn't be executed. You can't let Trend-"

"Finn, it's alright. Grand Admiral Trend's demand to have the troopers executed was thwarted. It goes against what is outlined in the Galactic Constitution on how prisoners of war are to be treated."

Finn placed his hand against the cold wall so he didn't fall over from his instant relief. He took a few breaths, calming his racing mind.

"What happens to them now?" he asked.

"Well, they will be interrogated to see what their true intentions are and why they surrendered."

Finn's muscles tensed. "I want to be the one who interviews them."

Admiral Statura eyed Finn. "I don't-"

"I'm the best person to talk with them. I can relate to these people on a level none of you understand and you know it." Finn knew he shouldn't be talking to an admiral this way, but his eagerness was taking control of his mouth. At least Statura didn't seem to be taking offense from Finn's demands.

Statura sighed. "I'll see what I can do and let you know sometime today. I'm not promising anything, but I'll try to get you in there."

That was as good of a response as Finn was going to get. "Thank you, Admiral." The two men parted ways, and Finn decided that the Master Jedi has had enough time to mediate. If he couldn't find his sister after hours of searching, he probably wasn't going to. In that case, Finn wished he could help Skywalker, but he was powerless.

Finn found Luke in a dimly lit room on one of the top levels. The man's eyes rolled open, watching Finn as he entered. Bags were forming under his blood shot eyes and the man's expression looked grave. The faint smell of sweat and body odor wafted into Finn's nose. Even though the Jedi Master probably hadn't moved a muscle in hours, the man had still overexerted himself.

"Anything?" Finn inquired.

"No. Nothing." Luke rubbed the exhaustion out of his face.

"Are you sure you don't want to join in the Resistance efforts in finding the general?"

Skywalker shook his head. "No. They're focusing on finding my nephew, but he wasn't the one who took Leia. Even if he did, Ben has been closed off from me for years. I would have better luck sensing Leia than him." Finn nodded as he sat in an opened chair against the wall. Truthfully, he wanted to find his friends more than the Organa, but the soldier part of his brain was telling him that finding Leia should be the main focus. Plus, the Jedi Master seemed to need all the help he could get and Finn would feel guilty if he left the man to find his sister on his own.

"Why is it you think Kylo Ren won't hurt my friends?" Finn emphasized the monsters name, refusing to call him by the one given to him at birth.

"I cannot speak of Commander Dameron, but I think a small part of Ben might care for Rey." The thought that _that_ bastard could care for anyone surprised Finn. "I believe there is still a small amount of light left within him, and that is where his true feelings can be found." There had been no semblance of light in the man when he ordered that village on Jakku to be slaughtered. That day still lingered in Finn's mind every night as he fell into the confines of sleep.

"What makes you believe that?"

"They had previously shared a dream where Rey was in danger." Finn gripped the sides of the chair harder. "Ben showed genuine concern for her well being and tried to save her." Luke had left that detail out of their long conversation last night.

Finn looked on in confusion. "But that's just a dream. It's not real."

"In dreams, you tend to emulate a more true version of yourself since your subconscious is hard for you to control in such a place. No, Ben revealed that he cared about what happened to Rey. That is why I feared he would try and kill her, so he could snuff out an emotion he would view as a weakness." Finn wondered what type of person would choose to become void of such basic human emotions.

_The type of person who kills their own father. That's who._

"But they fled the island together." Finn could sense he was nearing the truth of what was really going on, but he couldn't quite grasp onto it. "Do you think Ren took them back to the First Order?"

The Jedi Master licked his dry lips and grasped the glass of water to his left. "It would be in Rey's best interest to not be caught by the First Order."

"So... they could be lying low somewhere? Away from other civilizations?"

Luke shrugged as he gulped down the remaining liquid. "I really hope so."

Finn scrutinized Skywalker with a skeptic stare. _If this is actually true, what is Poe doing? Why hasn't Rey and Poe contacted the Resistance?_

"All of this goes off the assumption that Ren actually cares for Rey, which sounds impossible to me." _It's impossible_.

Luke let a gloomy grin show on his features. "If I was in your position, I wouldn't believe me either. But I know what I witnessed in that dream. And he was blatantly protecting Rey from the blaster fire on the island." Finn stayed silent, not knowing what to believe anymore. "I know you want to find your friends, Finn. Even though I didn't find my sister while meditating, I did sense something else that might interest you."

Finn leaned closer toward the lounging Jedi, his attention piqued. "What?"

"My sister and her son's fate are intertwined somehow. I don't fully understand it, but that's what I could sense." And where Ren was, his friends would be. The best chance at finding everyone was for Luke to sense his sister, and they needed to figure out how to make that happen.

Finn thought to himself how everything seemed to be revolving more and more around Kylo Ren and he wondered if the guy realized just how important he seemed to be in the grand scheme of the galaxy.

()()()()()

Leia was slowly pushing her numbness away as her body started to tingle from the inside out. Her breathing was labored and her head rolled from side to side against the chilly floor. Something was causing her to feel out of sorts. Groaning, she cracked open her eyes, but nothing came into her view. 

Metal scrapped along her wrists as she brought her fingers to her face, her opened eyelids confirming she was in a pit of darkness. A hard part in the floor was jutting into her back, causing her to wince as she sat upright. Her legs were not bound, making it easier to move around. Cautiously, she felt around her small prison for anything to aid her, but she came up empty.

There was a faint smell of urine. It took Leia a moment to realize that while she had been unconscious, she had wet herself.

How long had she been there? Her back rested against a wall as she went over the last things she remembered.

 _Ben._

He'd been on the island, looking for Rey and Luke. The opportunity to see her son again had consumed all of her common sense, causing her to sneak off the base and fly straight for Ahch-To. Once arriving at the rim of the planet, things became too hazy to remember any specific details. Her ship was supposed to be undetectable, but her sitting there in the musty room proved that was false.

Did the First Order intercept her? Leia's intuition told her no, and her gut feeling was never wrong. Besides, the First Order would not operate from somewhere as primitive as a place made of stone. They liked their sleek metal ships and torture devices. Leia was in neither of those things.

Time didn't register as she sat there, left with only her thoughts to keep her sane. She'd been in worse situations and had still found a way to survive. This time was no different, except… Han had always been there to back her up.

Her and Han's relationship had never been in the realms of being conventional. There was never a doubt that they loved each other deeply, but they never had the incessant need to always be around one another. She was devoted to the Senate, and Han had to satiate his adventurous side by flying around the galaxy. They were comfortable with only being together half of the year, but that didn't mean they were always of one mind.

They would fight. A lot. Han knew how to push Leia's patience and she would say just the right thing to make him angry. The fights never affected their love and they always tried to work through their problems. Or they just buried their disagreements, leaving them for another day. Their living arrangement and relationship worked out comfortably for them... but it hadn't been ideal for their son.

In so many ways, Han and Leia had failed Ben as parents. He had been forced to raise himself since her and Han were never there. In Leia's eyes, the Senate was her main job and she had worked hard to keep it together. The whole galaxy depended on the New Republic staying intact. Or so she had thought.

Maybe if she'd been a more present mother, she would have realized that the fate of the galaxy rested with her son, not with the Senate. A bigger threat had been looming from the shadows, its watchful eyes always on Ben. Leia never paid it the attention it deserved.

The Dark side had always been inside of her son, and some otherworldly presence had been molding him into the monster he now was. Sending him off to train with Luke, after he almost killed that boy, was when she had lost Ben forever. The boy never got over the bitterness of being tossed aside, even though Leia viewed it as trying to help him control his natural abilities. And it wasn't like her husband had been helpful during the ordeal of Ben's questionable future. Han hadn't agreed with her decision to deliver their son to the academy, but neither did he offer up another solution.

Ben deserved to have better parents – ones who didn't miss numerous birthdays and fought in front of him constantly. They had surrounded him with nice things to make up for their absence, but no amount of worldly possessions could replace the love they should have given him. She'd been a neglectful mother to the one boy who would cause chaos to ripple throughout the galaxy.

There was distant echoes of doors opening and closing, footsteps coming closer. Leia quickly raised herself from the floor, bracing her weak body for whoever came into her cell.

The steel door slid open. The sudden flood of light blinded her eyes. Figures stood in the doorway and Leia raised her bound hands to try and alleviate the brightness. One of them crept into the room, the sound of their steps reverberating off of the stone ground.

Her visitor was a short, lean woman in a shimmering black dress that flowed all the way to the floor. The thin straps showed off her feminine neckline, and her black hair was pinned off to the side, allowing her soft curls to drape over her right shoulder. Her slanted eyes and high cheeks made her outward appearance beautiful, but Leia knew that this woman was one of the vile human beings she'd ever encountered.

"Carise Sindian." Leia spat her name like it was a curse, and to her, it absolutely was. This woman was responsible for outing her true parentage in front of the whole Senate six years ago. Even though Ransolm was the one who had played her father's message, Carise had set up the whole thing to try and draw Leia's attention from finding out about the First Order.

Carise clasped her hands together and gave Leia a warm, sickening smile. "Princess Organa. I've been waiting for this moment for a very long time." Her voice was smooth and controlled, but held cruel undertones that only Leia could pick up on. Carise's eyes roamed over Leia, taking in her filthy military jumpsuit and her matted hair. Moments passed by and Leia wondered if the woman came just to stare at her unkempt appearance.

"How did you intercept my ship?" Leia started the conversation, trying to get some semblance of control over her circumstances.

Carise's grin widened. "One of your aids helped me with that, since they've been working for me this whole time. You rarely go anywhere without a proper escort and when you finally did, he drugged you and contacted me. His reward has been very… generous. The lucky man never needs to work another day in his life." Leia didn't need to ask which aid had betrayed her, for there had only been one aid on the ship. Kalvin, a man from Bespin, had been her aid for two years. That man had been waiting two years for Leia to make a mistake.

"The rest of my crew. What have you done with them?" _The two pilots...._

"Dead. I wasn't about to waste resources on keeping them alive. They don't matter."

Leia kept herself composed, but on the inside, she seethed.

"Is that what Ransolm was to you?" Leia couldn't stop herself from bringing her friend into the conversation. "Someone who doesn't matter?"

Carise shrugged nonchalantly. "He was a means to an end. Somebody had to take credit for setting up Tai-Lin's assassination and honestly, you two becoming friends was an inconvenience. Taking him out of the equation was necessary in protecting the identity of the First Order. Oh come now, Leia. It's not like he's dead. Well, not yet anyway. Isn't his execution coming up? Its probably best that he dies instead of rotting away in prison. It would be a tender mercy." Leia growled at how the woman didn't seem to care for what she had done to a once respectable man. Carise was nothing more then a narcissistic sociopath who desperately wanted to be someone important again.

Talking about Ransolm brought up too many bitter feelings for Leia, so she decided to change the subject before she went down a path she couldn't turn back from. Her aid, Kalvin, must have told Carise where the bases were located. "You've known where the Resistance has been located this whole time. Why haven't you told the First Order? Are you not loyal to them anymore?"

Carise chuckled innocently. "Oh, I am still a faithful member of the Order. I've just been following my own personal goals these last few years. I knew they would find your base sooner or later, so I didn't see the harm in keeping that knowledge from them for the time being."

"And what are your goals, Carise?"

The woman looked at Leia, agape, like she was somehow supposed to know the answer to her own question.

"Why you, of course." The drugs Kalvin had given her must still be muddling her mind because the answer had been obvious and Leia had failed to see it. "You see, _Leia_ , after you had my titles stripped from me, I left the Senate in shame." Carise's face twisted into a threatening glower. "I tried to remedy my broken name while with the First Order, but at the end of the day, my nobility was still gone. My name had been humiliated." The woman paced in front of her as she listened to Carise moan about her problems. Leia didn't feel an ounce of pity for the bitch.

"I had my own connections outside of the First Order and I decided to put them to good use. I had to be patient as I waited for the most opportune moment for you to show yourself, and thankfully, you finally did. You were foolish to want to see your son, but your stupidity worked in my favor." Leia's frustration heightened upon hearing Ben be brought up in the discussion.

"So, you brought me here to kill me yourself and get your revenge?" Leia surmised. "Not the most original plan."

Carise's high cackle bounced off the walls and grated Leia's ears. The woman was receiving too much pleasure out of having Leia participate in her guessing game.

"Oh, Leia. I'm not going to personally kill you. I have something much better in store for your death."

"Do you now?" So, having her die _was_ on the list of things Carise wanted to happen. The question remained on who would pull the trigger. "What could possibly be better than killing me with your own two hands, Carise?"

The woman stopped moving and let her excitement show from her giggly demeanor. Leia had the strong urge to slap Carise across the face so she wouldn't have to look at that counterfeit smile one more second.

"At first, I thought I had the perfect plan all mapped out." Leia hardened her stare on the overly jubilant woman. "I was going to lure your brother out of hiding, knowing he couldn't pass up the chance to save his twin sister. Of course, my men would seize your twin and make you watch as they killed him slowly in front of you." 

"But that is not your strategy anymore," Leia stated.

Carise shook her head.

"No. Something far better has revealed itself to me." The woman paused, reveling in the suspense. Leia was finding Carise's flare for the dramatic highly annoying. "Did you know your son has left the First Order?" Leia's knees almost gave out as her heart stopped from shock. Carise laughed at the sudden look of surprise that was plastered all over Leia's face. "No one can find him or the girl he allegedly fled with. As you can imagine, Supreme Leader Snoke is very upset." Blood pumped loudly in Leia's ears, making her strain to hear everything Carise had to say.

_Ben left? He actually left? Or is Carise lying? Why would she lie about something like this?_

"You know," Carise continued, "I remember when I first met your son." Leia's frantic thoughts halted immediately. "He'd just joined the First Order, but before he donned that mask of his. I must say, he grew up to be a very handsome man. I'm not Force sensitive, but I didn't need to be to know how powerful your son was." The cuffs around Leia's wrists shook as she started to lose control over her anger. Leia wanted to kill this woman for going anywhere near Ben. "I know what you're thinking, and yes, me being seven years older than him might be considered strange. Did I care? No. I still made an advance on him. I couldn't let someone like that pass me by. But he was playing so hard to get, and truth be told, I would much rather be chased." Carise's stare was far away, thinking about that disappointing day. "I even wore my blue sleeveless gown, the one that accentuated all my finer qualities. But still, I couldn't convince him to take it off of me." Carise let out a sorrowful sigh. "Such a shame. I bet he's one of those men who enjoys it rough. Probably makes all the girls scream while he's bedding them. Who knows, maybe he has a mommy complex and thinks about you while he's–"

Leia shouted and lunged at Carise, no longer able to keep her rage in check. One of the men by the doorway was quick on his feet and grabbed Leia just before she made contact.

The man picked her up and threw her onto the ground. Her head hit the dark stone with a residual _thud_. Leia rolled around, groaning, trying to cast the pain out of her skull. Carise's smooth laugh registered in Leia's jumbled mind, and she wished the bitch would choke on that despicable tongue of hers.

"Everyone is looking for your son, but I plan on finding him first." Leia rolled onto her side, grunting as she lifted her upper body. Everything was out of focus, but she knew where Carise stood. "And when I do, one of two things will happen: he will either kill you to get back into his master's good graces, or he refuses and you get to watch us kill your son before you die. Both scenarios have me winning, but I'm really hoping he chooses the first option." Leia bowed her head, letting an astute sob escape her lips. She was not afraid to die, but having her son be the one to kill her… "It's like a poetic tragedy, don't you think?" Tears sprung from Leia's eyes and slid down her cheeks. "The son killing both his parents; the two people who brought him into this world. I admit, I get chills just thinking about it."

She listened as Carise and her lackey turned to leave, but then the footsteps suddenly stopped. "Oh, and don't waste your time trying to contact your brother through your magic. Those cuffs you have on are specifically designed to hide your Force signature and substantially hinder any Force abilities you might want to use." The steel door slid shut, plunging her prison into utter darkness. "Enjoy your stay, _Princess._ "

Leia lowered herself onto the floor and wailed as she cried for what seemed like days. She kept going, even after all her tears were spent and her throat was raw. Listening to that sick creature talk about her son in a way she had no right to had infuriated her very soul. Leia envisioned herself grabbing Carise's head and bashing it onto the floor until there was nothing left but a pile of blood, bone, and flesh.

Her life had led her to this very moment in this exact cell, waiting to see if her son decided to kill her or have Carise's men do the honors. A part of her wanted to believe that Ben wouldn't be able to kill his own mother, but that part of her was overshadowed by the fact that he'd killed one of his parents already. Ben supposedly "leaving" the First Order surprisingly didn't comfort Leia all that much. Her son was almost thirty years old and was too set in his ways of murder and power. The darkness had spread through him like a cancer, and Leia didn't know where to find the cure.

Idly, her thoughts swept to her husband. Leia had felt the moment Han had died, knowing that her son was the one to deal the final blow. After years of not sensing her son, she had felt him for only a few brief seconds. Anger, grief, and regret shot through her, making her sit down before she fell over. She'd never felt such vivid and intense emotions before, and they were all coming from Ben.

Her family was gone, all because of Snoke. That creature had taken everything from her and she hated him, like a slave hated their owner. She slowly came to realize that Snoke was just as much her master as he was her son's. She'd done everything that man had wanted: she had ignored Ben, pushed him aside, and made the perfect environment for him to be influenced. They'd all been played.

No one was going to come save her, for she knew it was impossible to be found. The cuffs were indeed blocking her from her brother and he was the only hope she had left. Han was not going to come bursting through that door, giving her his dashing grin and lecturing her on how she always seemed to get herself into these predicaments.

Leia was alone, with no family to aid her.

()()()()()

The sun had gone down, but the full moon was illuminating their path back to the ship. Ren was purposely walking as slow as he could, knowing that once they were on the freighter, him and Rey would eventually part ways for the night.

"And you're sure Snoke doesn't know where we are?" Rey asked, for the third time.

"No, he isn't aware of our location. I was able to keep him from seeing that, at least." He'd been surprised he fended his master off, but had failed to do the same with Rey. What was that shadow he found in her mind? It had felt familiar to him. That mysterious essence had stopped him from prying deeper in her mind on Starkiller base. He was sure of it.

"Ben?" He glanced down to see her eyeing him. "I, uh… saw some of your memories. From when I was in your mind." She was nervous and fiddling with those fingers of hers.

"That doesn't surprise me. I figured you probably saw something." _Stars, hopefully she didn't see anything too horrible_. But what else would she see? His whole life was a mixing pot of horrendous events, all from his own doing. Against his better judgment, he asked her what she had witnessed.

"You were in my AT-AT, holding my rebel doll and looking over all the tick marks I had made." He let out a sigh of relief, for that memory was not a horrific one. "Why were you in my home?" 

"I was trying to find you and I had to start somewhere." Rey nodded her head at his reasonable explanation. "Mashra hopes you find what you are looking for, by the way."

Her eyes bulged and she grabbed his arm, stopping him mid stride to face her. "You talked to Mashra? Is she still alive?"

In other words, Rey was wondering if Ren had killed her.

"I know it's hard to believe, but I don't kill everyone I come into contact with." _Only those who deserve it_.

She blinked. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have worded it like that."

Ren looked over her head, scanning the dark waves rolling onto the beach. "Your conjecture was accurately placed, given who I am and what I've done. No need to apologize." He really disliked when she used the word _sorry_ with him. Seemed like she was apologizing for being who she was.

Rey released the grip on his arm. "Did Mashra tell you anything else?" 

He shrugged. "Not much. Our conversation was rather short. She just hopes you find where you belong." She gave Ren a weak smile and he returned her expression. He desperately wanted her to say that she'd already found where she belonged... that it was with him. Both of them knew it; he just wanted to hear her declare it so it felt more real.

They resumed their course, each one taking turns stealing glances at the other. A few times their eyes would lock and they would look quickly away, giggling into the serene night air.

Ren had never felt this young before, not even when he had been young.

"I'm sorry I kept you outside for the majority of the day," she said. He rolled his eyes. There she went, apologizing again.

He fanned his hand out to the ocean. "I know you wanted to be out here, and what was I going to do? Go back to the ship and try to avoid the pilot? No, being out here was the _much_ better option. Especially since I was with you," he said playfully, which was something he didn't know he could still do. 

"Well, your better option has left you with a sunburn." He could hear the smile in her voice.

"The light and I don't really get along."

"In more ways than one, I take it."

 _Yes, in more ways than one_ , he agreed inwardly.

The rustling of the trees from the lenient breeze filled the short lull in their conversation. Ren never knew that conversing with someone could feel this tranquil. It truly did astound him that in the span of spending the whole day with her, he'd grown accustomed to her company.

_Doesn't it take more time than this to feel so lured to another individual?_

"You being inside my home was not the only memory I saw, you know," she whispered, pulled him away from his thoughts. Her demeanor became more solemn than it was before and Ren waited for her to elaborate, but her nerves held her back.

"You're curious as to what they were," he stated more than questioned.

She nodded. "I, uh, know you don't like talking about your past. You barely even tolerate me calling you Ben." He scrunched his eyebrows together, now becoming curious as to what she had seen. "I don't even know if you'll tell me about it or not." Rey watched her boots make dents in the sand as Ren contemplated placing his fingers under her chin so he could see her eyes.

"You can ask and I can choose whether or not to answer." More than likely, he wasn't going to. Just thinking about the life he had before becoming Kylo Ren made it feel too real. Rarely did he ever talk about it out loud.

He paused his thinking. All of those rare occasions had been with Rey, and every time, she had listened to him. Like, actually, genuinely _listened_ to his words.

"It was only a short glimpse, but I saw you and your knights walking up to a large building during the night," she explained. "There was a huge field to the side of it and some mountains off in the distance. You were all wearing your robes and masks, but then the scene changed when you got closer to the entrance."

Ren didn't notice that he had stopped walking, and Rey didn't either until she was a few feet ahead of him. She eyed him, curiously.

Oh, he was pretty damn sure he knew the memory she was speaking of, but he needed her to clarify further. "Can you describe the door at the entryway? What did it look like?"

"Uhhhh..." He held his breath. Rey concentrated, trying to recall one of the less important details of the memory. "It wasn't mechanical, but looked like a wooden double door. It had these carvings all over it, something I don't recognize - maybe some type of ancient language? And then these big, long handles toward the middle." She paused. "That's all I can really remember."

Ren knew that door well: it was the entrance to Skywalker's Jedi academy.

"So?" Rey prompted. "Do you know what I'm talking about?"

"Yes... but I'm not telling you."

The conversation had hit a snag.

Rey looked at him alarmed. "It's the Jedi academy, isn't it?" she said with an edge to her tone. "You really killed the other students, didn't you?" The girl proved to be more perceptive than he realized. Ren's thoughts flashed back to that testing night. He didn't want to tell Rey about it – not out of any sense of regret since he had little, but because of how she would likely react.

She stood in front of him, waiting.

"Yes," he finally responded. The bond was closed off from him, making it hard to detect her reaction. Ren scrutinized her face, but she kept it smooth and void. 

"What happened?" she demanded.

He sighed, knowing that if he refused to talk she would just keep pestering him. "Rey. This is something you wouldn't want to hear."

"I'll be the judge of that." The stars shimmered across the dark sky as Ren glanced up. At this rate, they were never going to make it back to the ship. _It's not like you were in a hurry to get back, remember_? he reminded himself. Maybe he could get away with going into as little detail as possible.

"My knights and I attacked the academy. None of the students survived," he said quickly.

Her stare was flat with a pinch of annoyance thrown in. "Yeah. I came to that conclusion on my own before I ever met you. I want to know what happened throughout the whole event."

Frustration loomed beneath the surface of his control. "I really don't see why that's relevant. I went to the academy, did what I was ordered to do, and left. Why would you want more detail than that? Why do you want me to describe those things to you?" His voice was one pitch away from being in the realm of yelling. He didn't mean to get so passionate all of a sudden, didn't understand the lump that was suddenly growing in his throat. 

Rey backed away, eyes hurt at the tone he had used. "I... I didn't know the memory would affect you so badly. You're right, what good would it do for me to know more. I'm-"

"Don't apologize." He snapped, cutting her off. She closed her mouth. The two of them stood there in awkward silence. His eyes were darting everywhere, trying not to look at her.

She reached out, touching his arm to get his attention. "Lets get back to the ship."

He nodded.

During the trek back, Ren was trying to think of something to say, but came up short. Today had its ups and downs, but it was one of the best days he had in years - probably ever, the more he thought about it. It shouldn't end this way, with her feelings hurt and him aggravated. But what should he say? He could give her what she wanted and tell her exactly what transpired at the academy, but that could do more harm than good.

He rolled his eyes at himself. _I can't even figure out how to be a proper friend. Shouldn't that come naturally to people?_ Maybe he was too old to change and he was doomed to never be able to control his emotions.

_Now there's a comforting thought._


	17. Ashes to Ashes

_You need to hone in your curiosity_ , Rey scolded inwardly.

She was walking on the beach beside Ben, listening to the comforting sounds of the water. Everything had been going smoothly until she brought up the academy. Now, things felt displaced between them. She should have known he would lash out; he wasn't very skilled at controlling his anger. He didn't yell at her, which was an improvement, but his speech had been sharp and precise.

 _And why did he cut me off from apologizing?_ That had struck her as odd. She was the one pushing him to satiate her curiosity... so she should be the one to apologize, right?

It was probably for the best not to know all the details about the fall of Skywalker's academy. Ben, along with his knights, had killed the other students.

 _Innocent people… How old was the youngest? Did he kill children?_ Her body shivered while she contemplated the questions. Part of her desperately needed to know whom he had struck down, while the rest of her wanted to stay ignorant.

It was tempting to slide across their connection and find out what he was feeling, but Rey was afraid it would open too much of herself to him. Right now, she wanted to have the privacy of her own mind.

"Rey?" His voice came from behind. She turned to see him waiting at the tree line. She'd been too distracted by her thoughts, not noticing that Ben had stopped off to the side. "The ship is through here."

"Right." Embarrassment flared in her cheeks, and she was thankful for the night to conceal it. As she approached, he pushed a group of branches to the side, creating an opening for her to duck through. She stepped through the vegetation, feeling a minuscule amount of pressure on her lower back. Ben had placed his hand there, helping her through as he closed the wall of green behind them.

 _I can walk perfectly fine on my own_.

She thought he was trying to help her stay balanced while walking upon the uneven ground, but his hand remained, even after they made it through. He was so close to her that her left side kept rubbing up against his torso. His body was so warm, so… inviting.

Rey kept walking, not knowing what to do. Knots formed in her stomach, causing a fiery sensation to spread all the way to her fingertips. She rubbed them together, feeling them tingle from the contact. Her body was reacting in a way she was unfamiliar with, but it didn't feel uncomfortable. It was a feeling she could get lost in, a feeling she wanted to explore more.

And then his hand was gone. She felt a portion of herself disappear into the damp air. Her eyes lifted to his, but they weren't there to catch her stare. He was looking off to the side, all of his features away from view.

If it weren't for her body still feeling electrified from his touch, she would have thought she imagined the whole thing. A rattled breath came from her chest as she tried to cool down her body, which was hard to do with all the humidity.

For the first time, Rey allowed herself to fully take him in. His height was a little less than a foot taller than hers, but he still towered over her. The upper portion of his body was all power, with his broad shoulders and small waist accentuating his most prominent feature. Her frame was _definitely_ more petite than his, which said a lot since she wasn't petite in the first place. Rey's height was above average for a normal human woman, her legs long and lean.

She recalled seeing Ben shirtless on the beach on Ahch-To. From the fast paced events, she didn't really have time to look him over, but she was definitely replaying it in her head now. He was all bulk and muscle, looking like a man who could beat someone to death with only a few blows. For all she knew, he probably had.

Wrapping herself around his wide frame, her hands had felt how hard and brawny his back had been. His skin had been amazingly soft with barely any hair on his milky white chest.

With his head still turned away from her, she couldn't get a good look at his appearance from this position. So she thought about the first time she ever truly saw his face. It had shocked her to witness that a young man was actually beneath that nightmarish mask. For some reason, she had envisioned some sickly looking creature with four eyes and a horrific complexion. At the time, she'd almost preferred it, because right when she got a good look at him, she had thought him handsome. It was only for the briefest of seconds and was soon swallowed up by her fear, but she had thought it all the same.

Now, he donned the scar she had given him. It truthfully made his guise a lot more intimidating and threatening. Weirdly, though... Rey liked it.

 _What's wrong with me?_

That scar would strike fear in those who saw him, a warning not to get in his way. And, the Force help her, Rey was attracted to the power and authority his whole physique represented. With a stare, he could make people scatter. How she always longed for such a gift while growing up. She never found a way to acquire it. But now, in some roundabout way, she did have it... because she had Ben.

Those thoughts scared her... but there was also an excitement she couldn't deny.

_There has to be something wrong with me._

Rey's eyes roamed down the part of the scar on the side of his jaw, down to where it disappeared under the shirt. There were more scars on his body she recalled seeing, some from their fight on Starkiller, and some she didn't know the origins. It made one thing pretty clear to her, though: Ben participated in a lot of violence. All of it, more than likely, out of his own doing.

She heard the cargo ramp being lowered. Still caught up in her thoughts, she followed Ben up the ramp when she suddenly walked right into his back. She yelped out in surprise as he turned around.

"If you want to ask me about the academy, then go ahead. But just know you won't like what you hear." He held himself like he was bracing for impact from a ferocious Drexl, when in reality, only a few questions were going to be tossed his way. "You'll more than likely contemplate leaving again, which I won't stop you if that's what you decide."

Rey considered being polite and backing down from his invitation, but the opportunity was too important to pass up. She decided to stick with a few questions so he wouldn't have to go into great detail.

"How many students did you kill?"

Ben didn't hesitate to answer. "Six."

Rey folded her arms, trying to not let her churning stomach affect her composed expression.

"How many people were at the academy?"

Ben didn't look away as he answered. "Eighteen."

Her brows rose. It was more than she had initially thought. "What were the ages of the ones you killed?"

Ben didn't seem all that eager to answer that one. The muscles in his jaw tightened and he looked at Rey like he was trying to plead with her to take back the question. She knew that no matter the age of his victims, killing was killing and they all ended up dead in the end. But... she couldn't help feeling like taking the life of a young child was a heavier crime than murdering an adult.

A sharp breath escaped his nose. "Thirty-one, twenty-three, two twenty year old's, nineteen…" He paused. That was only five. His mouth was opening and closing, refusing to articulate the last age. Rey held her breath and locked her knees. "And nine."

Everything was still as he watched her, waiting for a reaction. She tried holding herself together, she really did, but hearing that last age was too much for her. And by the way he had waited, he'd known it would be.

Disgust boiled within her and she couldn't bear to be near him anymore. She turned, walking down the ramp and into the tropical forest ahead. Was she wrong in finding out who he had killed? Should she have stayed none the wiser about it?

 _No, I need to know what he's done if I'm to stay with him._

She halted among the trees and vines, glancing at nothing in particular. Her vision couldn't register anything in her spiraling mind.

Hearing about the nine year old hit her differently than Han dying. She could understand Ben's hatred for his father, but what did a little kid ever do to him? Why did he have to eliminate all the students at the school in the first place?

...Why was she attracted to his power? It was disgusting. She was disgusting.

Their connection alarmed her that he was close behind. For being so large, the man was light on his feet and knew how to stay quiet. He didn't say anything, but she could feel him watching her.

Rey was he first to speak. "Do you regret what you've done?"

Silence.

She turned, facing him. His expression reminded her of a child who felt guilty for being caught, not for the act they had just committed. It angered her.

"Why did you go back to the academy?" she pressed further.

He crossed his arms, preparing himself for the uncomfortable situation. "If the Jedi rose back to the power they once had, the First Order wouldn't have been able to gain traction throughout the galaxy."

"And do you still believe that?"

He pursed his lips. "The Jedi ideals are unrealistic and cause chaos. The galaxy is better off without their existence."

"But I want to be a Jedi!" she yelled, neck cording from the effort. Ben glanced away. "Do you think I should die?" Her voice broke slightly. "That I deserve it?"

"No." He was contradicting himself and the way his face contorted into confusion, he knew it.

"Don't you care about anything?"

Ben gazed at her ardently through his loose strands of hair. "I care about you." That caught Rey off guard. At least he didn't seem to be conflicted over that statement.

Her lips trembled. "But you don't care about anything else, right?" He didn't answer. "Stars, Ben, I can't be the only thing in this entire galaxy that you care about." That was too much responsibility being hefted onto her shoulders. The idea of her being the only individual who could control the galaxy's most dangerous man, if he could be controlled at all, was overwhelming.

"Rey…" Her name left his lips in defeat. "I know what you want of me. You want me to feel remorse over all the lives I've taken and the things I've done, but you don't seem to realize that... I can't. Not because I'm incapable, but because it will absolutely ruin me."

She knew what he said wasn't completely true. He was mortified by what he'd done to his father, proving that there was still some light left within him.

Remorse was a natural process in life, and Rey felt like Ben was cheating by shutting down his conscience. He should be ruined by his evil choices; she didn't have any doubt about that. One fact seemed to keep eluding him, though, which was Rey would help him pick up the pieces of his torn apart life. But she couldn't do that if he refused to properly acknowledge that he'd been in the wrong during the last six years. How long could she wait for him to accept that?

Ben brushed his hair away from his face and straightened his posture. "You want clarification on what happened that night, then fine, I'll tell you."

He swallowed before continuing. "For the academy, I was in charge of the older and more experienced students. The ones who knew more about the Force and were a threat." Ben told her the details like he was reading them off from some book. His voice was factual and without feeling. Whether that was to spare her from the horrors of what he was actually saying or to hide any emotion, she didn't know. "A… young boy was in the older student's dormitory and got in my way. I made it quick for him. I ordered the knights to make the students deaths swift. When I found out one of them hadn't, I killed him. Death shouldn't be drawn out for the younger ones; it should be quick and precise. In the end, eighteen were dead - nineteen if you count my knight. The oldest was thirty-one and the youngest was four."

Rey had wanted to make him stop talking, but she'd asked for the particulars and needed to see her resolve through. He might see himself as being merciful in making the youngling's deaths fast, but Rey didn't see it that way. Mercy would have been to let them live, not erasing them out of existence.

"By the way you're looking at me, I can tell you don't want me to be here," he whispered. "I'll leave you alone." His mouth opened to say something else, but he quickly shut it. Rey watched him disappear into the darkness, the one place that Ben was comfortable in.

Rey relaxed her face. She hadn't noticed until Ben had brought it up, but she'd been glaring at him with a copious amount of hatred. Gradually, she started to pace around a group of trees while shaking her hands out at her sides. So much anger was welling up inside that she was struggling not to do something rash.

To understand Ben better, she had always endeavored to see things from his perspective, but with this... she just couldn't. And she probably never would. The option of leaving came to her mind again. He said he wouldn't stop her, but if she did leave, where would that leave him? Running around the galaxy with no one to answer to? Possibly going back to Snoke? The man obviously didn't do well when left alone, but she also didn't like the idea of being a babysitter.

Her thoughts drifted to Ben's hand on her back. There was a part of herself that felt guilt over being drawn to him, but it was useless to try and fight it. These feelings came to her like the breath that filled her lungs, all so easy and fluid. The jolt of realizing how handsome he was felt kind of like immersing herself in cold water: Once the shock was over, she got used to where she was and what she was feeling.

Rey wondered if things could get any more complicated. She knew the answer to that silly question was YES. Absolutely.

Rey's disgust, the anger, and this entire conflict inside of her conscience was starting to suffocate her till her head throbbed. All she'd ever wanted while growing up in the desert was to go on epic adventures, to be a part of something bigger than the measly existence of being a scavenger. At the moment, this struggle with Ben certainly didn't feel that way. And Rey wasn't interested in looking at the larger picture. All the things Ben had done in the name of Kylo Ren were going to haunt her, which wasn't fair since he was the monster who killed all those people. Ben should be the one disturbed by his own actions, not her.

Rey gritted her teeth together. These line of thoughts were getting her nowhere except feeding into her own frustration. At the end of the day, Rey had to ask herself one question: was Ben worth saving?

 _Yes... I believe he is_.

She might be a complete idiot for thinking it, but the power he possessed could be used effectively towards the greater good. He just needed to be guided down the right path and get off the one Snoke had set him on.

 _Snoke_.

That evil creature was the one who had corrupted Ben. If it wasn't for him, Rey was sure Kylo Ren would never have existed. She needed to point the blame in the right direction and that course was leading her right at Kylo Ren's master.

()()()()()

Ren walked through the trees, leaving Rey behind to think about what he had done. He didn't need their connection open to know that she was second guessing her decision to stay, just like she had done earlier in the day.

What really bothered him was how Rey had reacted. The way she glowered at him, you'd think she just found out he'd murdered her whole family or something equivalently horrible.

_I guess killing a nine-year-old boy would be classified in the same category._

One of the main reasons Ren had chosen to confront the older students was because out of all his knights, he had the most training fighting Jedi. Yes, two of his knights were Force sensitive, but Snoke wouldn't allow them to harness their abilities beyond some simple Force blocking.

Some of the student's names started to pop into his mind. Ren shut that down immediately. He didn't like to acknowledge that he once knew them.

Ren had never voiced it... but he didn't have the stomach to personally kill younglings. Even teenagers... was a hard limit. Once his knights had finished at the academy, he just kept walking back to the ship without so much as checking on the other dormitories. And once he discovered a knight had tortured one of the students, he butchered the man to pieces and left the chunks of human remains to rot in the wheat field next to the school.

Exterminating the young boy had been unavoidable, since the kid tried to fight Ren with a lightsaber he had found on the floor. That particular slaying had always left a sour taste in his mouth. He truthfully received no gratification from massacring the padawans. He just did what he believed had to be done. That hedonistic feeling he would experience as he killed didn't come till a couple years later, when he'd grown desensitized to the violence he would inflict on others.

Everyone either contributed to the galaxy as a whole, or they decomposed in a shallow grave. That was his new mantra.

Rey eagerly wanted him to return to the light, but what she wanted from him, he was too afraid to do. Feeling remorse over everything he.s done? _Yeah… No thanks_. The girl didn't seem to understand just how many people he'd killed over the last six years. Hell, he wasn't exactly sure of the number, but he knew it was A LOT. Regret was a wasteful emotion anyway, since it wouldn't bring back the individuals he had struck down.

Ren reached the ship and went inside the dark cargo bay. The pilot was up above feeling frustrated over something, but Ren wasn't interested in probing further to figure out what it was. Instead, he sat down on the metal floor and rested his back against his speeder.

Every part of him had meant it when he'd told Rey he cared for her. If anything happened to her, the bond wouldn't be the only thing that affected him. His sentiment for her had grown exponentially over the span of one day. Earlier, he had reflexively put his hand on her back, like it was something so normal to do, helping her through the thick brush lining the beach. He had intended to remove it, but as he felt her muscles tighten and release as she walked, his palm became glued to her frame.

Heat had spread through his bloodstream, going to one place specifically. Embarrassed, his face had flushed and he made sure Rey couldn't see his complexion. He'd wanted his hand to drift further over her taut figure….

Ren stood, not knowing what to do with himself. It was becoming difficult not to think of Rey in such a lustful way, and he could feel himself start to harden below. He paced from one wall to the other, interlacing his fingers behind his head. Breathing deeply, he tried to envision anything else that wasn't her, but nothing came to mind. His body demanded release and he contemplated actually giving into what it craved.

As a Jedi, he had lived a celibate life. He had taken it even farther than the other students by never allowing himself sexual relief. Even after he left the academy, he kept up with the practice, knowing that if he could discipline himself in such a carnal area, he could do so in other facets of his life. The bond between them was, no doubt, amplifying his feelings for her. But his attraction toward the girl hadn't started when the bond formed, for her indirect beauty on Takodana had taken him aback. He'd been lost to Rey since the moment he saw her, and had wasted time denying it to himself.

Before he could think through the decision he suddenly made, he climbed the ladder, needing to get to the refresher as fast as possible. He was going to do something he hadn't done since he was thirteen. His hand twitched in anticipation.

As he barreled into the hallway, Poe suddenly appeared in the intersection. Both men stopped, not knowing how to exactly react to each other. The pilot regained his composure and continued to the lounge. Something was different about him.

Ren strode after him. Poe reclined onto the lounge chair and stared at, what appeared to be, Dejarik on the table.

"Your clothes," Ren pointed out. "Where did you get them?" The pilot looked clean and polished in his dark pants, white shirt and blood red leather jacket. None of those items belonged to Ren.

Poe continued to concentrate on the game before him, answering Ren while never lifting his gaze. "I went into the city and picked up some things. I couldn't stay in my flight jumpsuit. That thing was absolutely filthy."

"You went into the city?"

Poe dramatically swiveled his head around, looking for nothing in particular. "Is there an echo in here?" Ren glared at the man. "I believe I just told you that. You need to work on your listening skills." Poe's attention went back to the holochess game.

"Did you take my Galactic Credit chip to pay for it?" Ren accused more than asked.

Poe's stare twisted up at Ren in shock. "You have access to credits? Why didn't you say anything! It took me hours to figure out how to steal these." Poe pulled at his shirt for emphasis. Ren's eyes widened in surprise. "And I- uh… stole some fuel for the ship. Figuring that out had taken most of the day."

Ren didn't know Poe had been that desperate to get out of his dirty clothes, but the fuel… that could come in handy. "I didn't take you to be a thief."

Poe answered him through clenched teeth. "Well, if you had said something about the credits you've been harboring, I would have paid for all of it." The only problem was the First Order would be able to find him through his credit transactions, so the stealing had ended up being the safer option. Ren wasn't going to tell Poe that, however. The guy clearly felt guilty for the thievery, and Ren was going to let him live with it.

Ren stood in the open room for a moment, idly watching Poe as the computers Molator killed one of his holographic combatants. The conversation with the pilot had extinguished any need for him to gratify himself, and he couldn't believe how close he came to breaking one of his oldest rules. If Poe hadn't have been in the hallway, Ren would be standing in the shower right now, scolding himself for giving in to an inner weakness.

"You know, I've played five matches against the computer and have lost every single time." Poe moved his Houjix into the central space. "Did you mess with the games programming somehow?"

"No. It's just on the most difficult setting." The computer moved its Strider right behind Poe's Houjix. Ren recognized the strategy immediately. "The computer is trying to bait-"

"I know how to play Dejarik," Poe snapped. "I don't need your help." The pilot moved the Houjix away from the Strider, choosing to retreat from what appeared to be a trap set by the computer.

Ren walked to the door, wanting to get to his personal living quarters.

"Where's Rey?" Poe asked.

Ren glanced over his shoulder, stopping right as he was about to exit the lounge. "She wanted to stay outside a little longer."

"Huh. I didn't know it was possible for the two of you to be a part from one another." A self-satisfied grin worked its way onto Poe's mouth. Ren rolled his eyes and left.

He entered his room, forgoing his bed. Back and forth, Ren paced between the lifeless metal walls. His self-control was back in place, but he needed to make sure his body didn't go as far as it had down in the cargo bay. These passions Rey unknowingly caused to rise within him were tricky to wrangle in.

_How do I control this?_

A soft knock came at his door. He hadn't felt anyone coming near his room. As he reached out through the Force, Rey's signature was faintly there. For the most part, she still had her portion of the connection closed off from him.

He compelled the door to slide open, revealing Rey in the doorway. Her eyes timidly roamed around the room, taking in the space she'd never seen before.

"I was wondering if you had an extra shirt I could borrow?" she asked. Of course, she probably didn't want to stay in the shirt she'd been wearing all day. Ren reprimanded himself for not thinking of giving her more garments.

He nodded and strode to his trunk in the corner. He didn't pack as many civilian clothes since he thought he would be wearing tunics and robes most of the time, so the pickings were slim. Rifling through the fabric, he found a couple of simple shirts near bottom. The choices were stark: white or black, sleeved or non-sleeved.

_White? How did that get in here?_

Ren liked seeing Rey in black. A little too much. He gave her the white shirt.

Rey knelt next to him, looking over the clothes. Something red was sticking out. She slowly went to retrieve it, clasping onto her rebel doll, looking at it with graceful reverence.

When Ren had left her home, he hadn't realized her doll had been stuffed into the pocket of his robes. He knew he should have thrown it away upon discovering it, but had placed it in his trunk instead. A part of him didn't want to let her go, even then.

"You brought this with you?" She hugged the doll to her chest and closed her eyes. That doll had been her only companion for years and she seemed to be overwhelmed by seeing it again. He clutched the white shirt in his lap, giving her a moment to enjoy being reunited with something that was so obviously precious to her.

"Ben?" Her eyelids fluttered open and her stare moved to his. "I know you believe you belong in the darkness, but I know there is still light within you. To me, you're worth saving, even after all the things you've done." She swallowed. "You're not evil. I don't think you are. You've committed evil, but you're not evil. If you were, I would be dead on that island." Ren didn't know what to say... but he was sure he was worth less than a grain of sand. "I won't stop trying to help you become the man you were always meant to be."

His stare filled with sorrow, not from knowing he couldn't be saved, but from realizing the girl would not give up her quest to see him embrace the light. "That path will only lead you to disappointment and heart break," he said softly.

Her shoulders shrugged. "Then that's the path I choose and the risk I'm willing to take. But... you won't disappoint me." A deep inhale entered her lungs. "Nor break my heart." Ben was an expert at disappointing others, but the thought of letting Rey down made him extremely nervous. And her last statement… it had sounded so intimate coming from her. 

She gave him a weak smile as she stood and Ren followed. He handed her the shirt and she grabbed it gratefully. "There is a washing mechanism on the lower level," he told her. "I can show you how to use it tomorrow so you can wash your garments."

"Really? That would be great. My chest wrap needs a good wash." Ren's mouth slackened and her eyes widened as they realized what she just said. She blushed as Ren cleared his throat, trying to alleviate the awkwardness. Sure, the girl needed clothes, but his mind didn't even think of her need for undergarments.

 _Maybe I should ask Poe to steal some for her,_ he thought.

"Oh and, uh… I've been using your toothbrush." Her trepidation was endearing. "I hope that's okay."

He gave her a reassuring smile. "Rey, what's mine is yours. Feel free to use whatever you want." She breathed out in relief and he made a note to ask the pilot to snatch Rey some much-needed necessities. He could teach Poe how to pickpocket someone so he wouldn't have to flagrantly steal, but more than likely the pilot would just refuse his offer.

Rey brought the doll into view. "Is it alright if I take this?"

"It's yours. You don't have to ask me."

Ren wanted to feel her skin before she left, but he refrained.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow then. Goodnight." He followed her to the doorway and watched her enter her room across from his. She gave him one last look as he bade her goodnight. The door slid closed, cutting her off from his line of sight.

She had decided to stay, at least for tonight. He was sure a whole new set of arguments were in store for them tomorrow, but Ren didn't care. If they were arguing, it meant she was still there with him. And he would prefer that much more than the silence of being alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so... Kylo/Ben is a much darker character in this fic than what is in canon. But the things he has done are not swept under the rug. They haunt him and Rey throughout the whole story, and there are consequences for his actions.


	18. Whack a Tree, Get Angry

Kylo Ren stalked down the dark passage as the knights veered off down an adjacent hallway. The students were in a peaceful state of sleep, unaware of the imminent danger dressed in black. Kylo's thoughts were threatening to relive the years he trained at the school, but he tore the memories apart before they gained any traction.

That life was not a part of him anymore.

He came upon the first room, the one that held the oldest student at the academy. This was who would be his most formidable opponent, but Kylo knew he was still stronger in the Force than Alec.

_No. Don't use names._

The man stirred awake, noticing the vast amount of darkness emanating from outside his chambers. With a swift mental command, the door slid open, revealing the man scrambling for his lightsaber. He stood, facing Kylo with his yellow plasma blade. Horror cut through the atmosphere as the Jedi took in the threatening figure in the doorway.

The Jedi charged, bringing the blade down at Kylo's mask. Kylo sidestepped the blow, stepping further into the tight confines of the living quarters. The man swung the weapon, but Kylo ignited his saber to parry the Jedi's attack. Their blades scorched the walls and slashed through the furniture as they fought viciously. Kylo knew this student had a particular gift with saber combat, but he was relatively weak when it came to using the Force.

Kylo plunged into the Jedi's mind, searching and finding that little crevice that tucked away a person's deepest fear. He brought the terror to the surface, hoping that the mental trick would work on the man. Kylo had practiced this technique only a few times before, but it hadn't been during a physical altercation. He was curious to see if he could do it under more stressful circumstances. From the way the Jedi fell to the floor and clawed at his body, Kylo concluded it to be a success.

The man believed himself to be on fire and was trying to stop the pain of his burning flesh.

Kylo stretched out his hand, calling the Jedi's lightsaber to him. His mind grew fuzzy as he felt something familiar upon touching the weapon. It was almost like he was on the verge of seeing a picture in his thoughts, but he quickly dismissed it.

Deep groans were coming from the ground. Kylo's attention was drawn back to the dazed man. With both lightsabers disengaged, he crouched next to the Jedi, getting ready to force the man into a deep sleep before killing him.

"Don't," the man breathed out. Pleading for his life was a waste of time since Kylo was fully committed to his plan. "You have to hide her from him. Don't let him find her." The man was clearly delirious, but the statements still struck Kylo as being odd. "Don't do it. You kill her and you can never come back."

 _Enough of this,_ Kylo thought.

With a wave of his hand, Kylo caused the man to slumber, stopping the unusual tirade from going on a moment longer. He tried to make sense of the Jedi's words, concluding that he was begging Kylo not to kill one of the female padawans.

That was the logical explanation, anyway.

Before there was time to question himself, he felt for the Jedi's spinal column through the Force and crushed that sweet spot right in the neck. The death was quick and precise, like how it should be. His adrenaline spiked as he looked upon the dead body. The power Kylo had possessed over him was a prize to behold. He held all the control over the fate of this one person and marveled at the rush of invincibility that had enveloped him. He could get used to such a feeling with more practice….

In a blink of an eye, the body on the floor changed into that of a young woman. Her brown hair was strewed out around her head, her eyes lifelessly looking off into the distance. The woman's identity dawned on him. Kylo sucked in a sharp breath of disbelief. He frantically backed up into the wall, not wanting to believe what he was seeing.

Screams started to resonate through the vast building and he could hear the panic of footfalls on the floor. 

_She's not supposed to be here! I killed Alec, not her! This doesn't-_

Ren woke in the midst of blackness, not knowing where he was. The light illuminated the room on his command, showing him that he was still on his ship. A drop of sweat trickled down his temple and into his hair as his hands rubbed the anxiety from his face.

He hadn't dreamt of that night at the academy in a very long time. Years, even. But every detail had matched his memory, all the way up until Rey appeared dead, causing him to scurry away from her corpse. That hadn't actually happened.

Ren rose from the bottom bunk, grasping onto his lightsaber, feeling a powerful need to get out of the metal boundaries of the freighter. He slipped on his boots and stopped by the refresher before walking down to the cargo bay.

The sky was overcast and the air was thicker than before, making it difficult for him to breathe and fill his lungs properly. He much preferred colder climates compared to the drowning pressure of heat found in tropical or desert planets. The humidity was already compacting the heat against his skin and he wished for a helpful breeze to cool him off, but none came. It was going to be another torturous day outside, especially if Rey still wanted to duel.

Off to his left, distant sounds of laughter came from the beach. He reached out to Rey, sensing she was somewhere on the coastline. He pushed the vines and branches from his path, allowing him a clear view of the ocean. His eyesight was drawn to movement off to the side where he saw Rey and Poe facing one another. She was wearing the same trousers from yesterday, but they were now paired with the white shirt he had given her last night. The pilot was shirtless, which didn't seem to surprise Ren in the slightest. Both were in a battle stance, their arms raised in a defensive manner.

Ren remained by the trees, observing the bout that was about to unfold. He was curious to see Rey's fighting style sans lightsaber... and if the pilot would be a formidable opponent.

Rey's fist shot out to strike Poe's midsection, but the pilot swatted her hand away and pivoted to the right. His arm swung at her back, missing it by mere inches as she bent forward to grab his leg. She pulled him to her, causing him to lose his balance and fall hard onto the ground. Rey jumped when his legs swept at her ankles, giving the pilot the momentum to stand quickly, but she proved to be faster. She darted at Poe, sliding her knees across the sand as she ducked under his swing and hit him square in the stomach. The pilot let out a low grunt and both of them paused to catch their breath.

Poe helped her onto her feet as they laughed and talked.

Ren let his presence be known as he made his way over to them. Poe was the first to see him, immediately backing away from Rey and looking nervous. "That was a good match," Ren admonished. Rey turned to him, her grin brightening her eyes. The girl was obviously proud of herself. "What decides the winning point?"

"The first person to touch the torso wins a point." Rey lifted the top of her shirt to wipe her brow. Ren noticed that he could see her chest wrap through the light fabric. _I should have given her the black one._ "That includes the back."

Ren nodded. "What's the score?"

"Rey just took the lead three to two." Poe squinted at the young girl. Ren slightly smiled in admiration. "She's shiftier than she looks." Rey shrugged, deciding to take the statement as a compliment.

Poe turned his attention to Ren, not hiding the fact that he was eyeing him up and down. "So, _Kylo_ , you wanna try your hand at it?" Ren stared at the pilot, trying to process what the man had just asked. Poe laughed at his reaction and Rey looked between the two men anxiously. "It's okay. I understand you probably don't like to lose."

Ren gave the man a flat stare. "I don't lose."

"Really? That scar across your face tells a different story." A self-satisfied smirk formed on Poe's features, causing Ren's blood to boil.

Poe unzipped his trousers, letting them fall to the sand, leaving him in only his undergarment briefs. "I'm gonna go for a swim to cool down." A devilish grin formed on his lips and he winked at Rey before running out to the waves.

Ren and Rey watched, equally astounded at Poe's lack of propriety. Ren glanced at Rey, seeing the blush on her cheeks as Poe dove into the water. This was probably the first time Rey had ever seen so much of a man exposed, and Ren didn't like that it had been the pilot.

_That guy is way too comfortable in his own skin._

After the pilot went under the current, Rey's attention swept across the shimmering water, looking longingly at the soft waves. Ren could sense that she wished to go out into the ocean, but was too afraid since she didn't know how to swim.

She looked up at him, expectantly. "Time for some lightsaber dueling? And then maybe some mental exercises?"

 _Just as I thought, another day is going to be spent out in the heat,_ he mentally grumbled.

"If that's what you want, but we're not going to duel with lightsabers." Her face fell, her bottom lip jutting out in a pout. The expression made her seem so young and innocent... something Ren never was.

"I'm not fighting with sticks again," she protested.

"Again?"

Rey sighed dramatically, amusing Ren. "Master Skywalker and I only practiced with dueling staves. We were going to try out my new saberstaff, but we never got the chance because…" Ren knew what she was alluding to.

Hearing Skywalker's name irked him, but he pushed it from his mind. It wasn't like she had brought up the name randomly. He had asked her a question and she answered honestly. Ren focused on the latter part of her statement and was surprised to find out she'd never used her saberstaff before their fight on the island. Her handling of it had been impressive, as if she'd been using the saber for years.

He motioned for them to start heading into the trees. She followed his lead. "Dueling canes are safer to use for practice," he explained. "Especially if you're going against an opponent you don't want to maim." He could almost hear her eyes roll as she walked beside him. "I'm not going to use my lightsaber against you, Rey."

She was becoming more and more frustrated. "If it's because it reminds you too much of fighting me on Starkiller or the island–"

"It's not. You can get seriously injured while practicing and I'm not taking that risk."

Maybe he was a little timid to duel her with his saber because of the memories, but what he had in mind for practicing didn't really involve a lot of dueling. It would be more form based exercises and agility training. He was sure Rey was going to hate it.

"Do you even have dueling canes?" Rey eyed him skeptically.

"No, but there are plenty of branches lying around. I'm sure we can fashion two into a dueling saber and staff." They went through the trees, but Ren refrained from helping her through this time. He should refrain from touching her. "Or I can make yours for you, if you feel too incapable."

Rey spun around to face him, looking all too serious about the challenge he passively gave her. "I'm more than capable of figuring it out. I did make my quarterstaff on my own. I'm sure I can handle a stick."

"I'm sure you can."

"I can."

"Okay."

"Okay." His smile finally broke through.

Rey narrowed her eyes at him. "Were you trying to get a rise out of me?"

Ren's lips stretched further across his cheeks. "I couldn't help it when you made it so easy."

Rey scoffed and shook her head, but he could tell by the way her shoulders relaxed and how her eyes softened that she wasn't mad at him. Thank the stars. Ren was out of his depth when it came to teasing... or flirting. Which he shouldn't be doing with her. But he couldn't help it.

They searched through the vegetation for their perfect weapons, keeping the conversation light. She relayed the start of her day, telling him how her and Poe woke around the same time and had breakfast together. The pilot offered to teach her some hand-to-hand combat after she expressed how she was hoping to duel with her lightsaber. Once Poe realized how gifted Rey was at fighting, they decided to make it interesting by making it into an actual game.

"But he never hit you too hard, right?" Ren inquired. The memory of striking her across the face on the island came to his mind, but he buried it back within his endless pit of shame.

"No, he would barely tap me. I told him he could strike me harder and I'd be fine, but he never did."

 _Good_ , Ren thought. He knew Rey would've been able to handle the hits, but if the pilot had been rough with her, he would have taken it personally. And for the most part while on the island, Ren had controlled his anger considerably well. He wondered how long he could keep that up.

He picked up a fairly straight branch, noting that the width was about the right size, but the length would need to be shortened. "So... has the pilot said to you whether he is staying or leaving soon?" _Hopefully leaving_. Ren didn't know how much longer he could handle the guy's sarcastic comments and brash personality.

"He wanted to stay a few days." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she eagerly searched the sandy ground. "To make sure that I'll be okay... and to give me time to change my mind," Rey stated nonchalantly. Ren clenched his teeth while focusing on the wooden staff in his hands.

"I found it!" Rey held the thin branch over her head in triumph, but he didn't share her enthusiasm. "What? This will work, right?"

She walked to him, holding the branch up so he could inspect it. It was thinner than his, but her hands were small, so it would work nicely for her grip. The length was the standard span of a saberstaff and the only thing that needed to be done to it was smooth out some notches. The girl had found the perfect practice weapon, so why was he suddenly in a bad mood?

The pilot seemed to believe that Rey was going to change her mind about staying, which made Ren's annoyance affect his demeanor. Even after Rey discovered all the cruel things he'd done, she was still here out of her own free will. How much more validation did he need that she wouldn't leave? Apparently a lot more, and it irked him that he needed that from her.

"Yes, it'll work." Could he sound anymore breathless? "You can use your lightsaber to smooth it out."

"Oh, uh… I don't have my lightsaber with me." If he'd been more observant, he would have known that. 

"We can go back to the ship so you can get it, but you should get used to having it with you at all times." His tone was flat and she studied his down turned face. He swung the staff at his side as he started the trek back to the freighter.

Rey stayed close to his side. "Is what I said bothering you?"

"That you didn't bring your lightsaber?"

"No, I'm talking about how Poe is giving me time to change my mind." Ren kept his stare glued to the ship, not knowing if he should stay quiet or answer her honestly. There was a certain sense of vulnerability that came with confessing how one truly felt, which was a big reason why Ren didn't like to talk much.

However, the girl had earned some sense of honesty from him.

He cleared his throat to alleviate the discomfort at expressing his thoughts. "I guess I'm just... still waiting for you to really look at me and run away," he said quietly.

"I do really look at you, Ben." They stopped at the bottom of the ramp and his weight shifted between his two legs. He felt out of place discussing such a topic, even if it was with Rey. "Poe's wrong. After everything I've learned, I'm still here and I don't plan on leaving." He finally gave in and directed his eyesight onto her. Her skin was flush, her wavy hair sticking to the sweat on her neck, but it didn't take away from her natural beauty. If anything, it accentuated it. "I guess time will be the only thing that will prove that to you." Unexpectedly, she grasped his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze before darting up the ramp. It all happened so fast and he wished he could have held onto her longer. A few seconds of feeling her skin had been cruel, but he knew Rey hadn't purposefully tried to make it seem that way.

She scaled the ladder in record speed while yelling over her shoulder, "I'll grab my saber, and you can go find us an area to train in!" Her assertiveness was impressive, especially since it was directed at him.

He couldn't stop his smile as he thought about how much he liked that about her.

()()()()()

"I was expecting this to be more entertaining," Poe grumbled, head lazily resting on his hand. "Rey, I thought you said you were going to be dueling him?" Rey struck the tree with her smooth wooden quarterstaff, letting out an exasperated grunt.

Rey hadn't been enthusiastic once Ren explained to her what the training would entail. He would teach her some basic forms, call them out to her, and have her perform them against a stagnant opponent. Rey had complained that she wanted to be pushed harder and Ren had countered by telling her the exercises would test her endurance. Rey needed to learn not to falter in her foundation while feeling the pulls of exhaustion. 

Three hours into the training and he could see her form start to weaken. To correct her, Ren would tap various parts of her body with his dueling cane so Rey could adjust accordingly. He would never do it hard, but he would put enough strength behind his strikes to irk her.

The pilot had been watching the promenade for the last hour, which was starting to aggravate Ren. The only thing Poe wanted to do was whine that he wasn't being entertained enough. "Building up muscle memory is an important step toward being able to duel efficiently," Ren explained to Poe while never taking his eyes off of Rey. Her back was starting to arch. He tapped her middle to correct her posture. She stared daggers into the tree out of frustration. Anger was boiling up to the surface as she struck the overly abused tree, making the branches shimmy up above.

"You're tapping into the dark side," he warned her. It was emanating off of her fiercely, and she was having a hard time controlling the fuming emotions.

Her wooden staff struck the ground and she turned to face him. "Well, _you_ are making me angry." Aggression laced her words as she spoke between gritted teeth.

He pinched his eyes at her. "I'm making you do no such thing. You're the one who controls your emotions, and if you cannot control your anger, that's your own fault. If, however, you do want to use the dark side, I won't stop you. You can choose where your power comes from." He couldn't stop Rey from doing what she wanted, but he was surprised by what he was hoping she would do. The prospect of having her in the darkness with him had been so alluring before, but as he spends more time with her, tainting that light would be an atrocity.

There was a well of aggression and rage buried within her from the lonely life she'd succumbed to on Jakku. She was, however, skilled at never extracting from it. On Starkiller, she'd been very close to doing so, but she had closed it up and locked it away in her subconscious. Instead, she chose to use the death of Han Solo and her severely injured friend to fuel her power.

If she had used that pit of unmitigated emotions, though, Ren was sure she would not have hesitated to kill him.

Heavy breaths came from her mouth as she squared off at him. "I don't want to use the dark side. I just wanted to do some dueling today. This," she pointed at the tree, "seems like a waste of time."

Ren eyed the splintered bark. "You think this is a waste of time?"

Rey remained silent, waiting to see how Ren would react to her blunt comment. He advanced toward her suddenly, swinging his weapon right at Rey's midsection. He'd caught her off guard, evidenced by her wide eyes and slow defensive response. Poe was even caught by surprise, hurriedly standing on the ramp in alarm.

Even though it took a few seconds for Rey to realize what was happening, she regained her composure and was successfully fending off Ren's forward assault. He hit the girl's staff vigorously, making it hit the sand before Rey could stop it. Her arms were severely weakened, but fights were rarely ever fair.

Ren backed off the attack for a moment. "First person to hit the other wins. Anywhere on the body counts." The last statement was more for her benefit than his. He wouldn't attempt to strike her anywhere but on the stomach, and he wouldn't make the blow unnecessarily hard.

Rey enthusiastically took him up on the challenge and quickly regained the offensive lead. Ren was making it considerably hard for her to strike him and he could sense her giving into her anger too quickly. "You need to control your anger," he warned. But she didn't. She fed all her frustration and pent up annoyance into each and every thrust. It surprised him how fast she had submitted to her aggression, for he thought she would have fought to keep it at bay.

Pain blossomed in his jaw and he blinked to find himself suddenly on the ground. Metal and warmth glided along his taste buds. He spat out a wad of blood next to his hands.

The wooden quarterstaff dropped to the ground as Rey knelt next to him. "I-I didn't mean to do that." Her voice trembled, and Ren turned to see her face full of panic and regret. Poe ran up beside them, watching the scene unfold.

"The move you used to strike me"–his tongue slid over the inside of his cheek, feeling the open gash that was pouring blood into his mouth–"where did you learn it?" He let more of the crimson liquid drip onto the sand before looking intently at Rey.

At first, she gazed at him confused, but ever so slowly, realization dawned onto her face. "It's one of the forms I've been practicing with over the last few hours," she responded quietly.

"And you thought I was just wasting your time." Carefully, he stood to his full height. The vision in his left eye was blurred and the landscape around him started to spin out of focus. He must have been teetering to his left, because Rey was grasping firmly onto his arms to steady him. Closing his eyes, he took a few deep breaths and centered himself in the Force. The tissue and blood vessels in his cheek bound back together, the swelling coming down considerably.

Rey cleared her throat. "I would apologize, but I have a feeling you'd just stop me from doing so."

Keeping the majority of his concentration on healing the wound, he responded calmly behind his minute grin. "I was trying to push you into using the technique. I had to make my point somehow. Don't ever apologize for defending yourself." For the most part, Ren believed in what he just stated. When you're in a defensive position, any strike on your opponent was necessary for survival.

Guilt over it gave your enemy more power over you, which you should never allow.

However, the memory of Ren Force pushing Rey into a tree on Starkiller sped into his mind. No doubt the girl was going to fire her blaster at him, which forced him to defend himself, but he should've used less power on her. After everything that he'd just done, being gentle had been the last thing on his mind. But he had grown to regret how much of his strength he'd put behind that push. In the end, though, it had been wise to take her out of the equation, leaving the stormtrooper the one to fight. Rey had been the true threat, evidenced by the scars she left on his body. Pushing her had been a tactical decision as much as it was a defensive one, but that didn't change the context of what he did.

Feeling the last of the tissue heal, he opened his eyes to find Rey gaping at his now mended bruise. He knew what that look meant. _She's definitely going to ask me to teach her that later_.

Poe took a step forward. "You know, for a second there, I thought you went crazy and was trying to kill her all over again." Rey spun around, glaring at the pilot. For some odd reason, she took the comment more personally than Ren had. "Hey," Poe raised his hands innocently. "I think that's a reasonable thought after he suddenly lunges at you and has tried to kill you in the past."

Ren could sense Rey's anger heighten. He put his calloused hand on her shoulder to calm her.

 _What is going on with her?_

He was the one that was always in the position of losing himself to his rage, but having Rey on the brink of becoming emotional, it had forced him to be the rational one. It was... odd.

"Lets go inside and cool off," he suggested. "I could use some water." He had deprived Rey of food and water while training, and now he was questioning that decision. _Maybe she's dehydrated…_

Rey stalked over to the ship, leaving Poe and Ren behind among the trees.

"What I said was meant to annoy you, not her," Poe admitted. Ren scrutinized Rey's shrinking form as she got closer to the freighter, trying to decipher her thoughts through their connection. He came up empty.

"Is she gonna be okay?" Poe asked. Ren's attention trailed back to the pilot, noticing his concern. Poe seemed to genuinely care for Rey's well-being, and Ren felt a pang of jealousy over never having someone feel that way about him. He knew Rey did, but their bond played a major role in them understanding one another.

Ren banished the childlike emotions and said, "She'll be fine. She just needs to eat something and relax for a while." Poe didn't seem to believe him completely, but he kept his mouth shut about the matter.

Awkward tension grew between the two men as they trekked over to the cargo bay. Ren didn't mind it as much, but he could detect that it was bothering the pilot. He hoped the man wouldn't try to create small talk with him.

"Soooooo," Poe started to say. _Great_. "You seem to be a tough teacher."

"I warned Rey I would be." Ren didn't feed too much into the conversation, so the topic died pretty fast.

The pilot, however, was content with finding a new issue to discuss. "She seems to be serious about staying with you."

Satisfaction dispersed throughout Ren's disposition and he purposely didn't try to hide it.

They walked up the ramp as Poe struggled to match Ren's long strides. "Then why are you still here?" Ren asked.

Poe jumped in front of him, making Ren stop and eye the pilot with contempt. "I don't trust you around her. In more ways than one." The pilot's thoughts were picturing various degrees of violence and sexual situations between Ren and Rey, none of which he would ever do to her.

Ren took a step forward, but Poe didn't back down. At least he could use his height as a means of intimidation, since the guy was a few inches shorter than him. "You think you can stop me from doing what I want?" The question was sinister, causing Poe to almost snarl in response. Ren enjoyed getting a reaction out of the guy way too much.

"No," Poe answered. "But I'd still try."

_Always the hero._

"How chivalrous of you," Ren mocked. Wanting to be done with their quaint chat, he moved to the ladder to make his way to the top level.

"You're an asshole."

Ren laughed into the open space, surprising both him and Poe. He stood on the overhang and feigned being offended, but couldn't stop his self-satisfied smile from spreading across his pale face.

Ren shrugged and said, "At least we agree on one thing." He left the pilot in the cargo bay, feeling the guy fume of annoyance and shock.

Honestly, Ren was amazed that killing the man didn't crossed his mind. Not even once. Sure, he received gratification out of annoying Poe, but his first response to a situation like that would've been torture or murder.

Maybe he was starting to lose his edge.

Ren twitched with uneasiness.

()()()()()

Rey poured the chocolate powder into the water and stirred, noticing that she couldn't get the clumps to dissolve. She let out a deep huff as her patience started to thin. _How did Ben get this to work?_ She took a sip, immediately spitting it back into the mug.

 _That's definitely not what Ben's tasted like_.

Rey's knowledge when it came to cooking and making drinks was extremely lacking. If she were asked to warm up rations, she would be the one to turn to, but actually cooking something from nothing? That process eluded her.

When she came aboard the freighter, she had veered off to the galley in a desperate need for some water. Ben had told her she wasn't allowed to have any until she had her form perfected, which peeved her beyond measure. Master Skywalker never tried to deprive her of basic human necessities, so why did Ben think he could? No one should be trained that way. Being hungry and thirsty reminded Rey too much of growing up on Jakku, and those memories never sat well with her.

And the dozens of times Ben whacked her with his dueling cane had almost pushed her over the edge of self control. She'd been so close to stealing it from his grasp and beating him with it _._

 _You asked for this. Stop complaining_ , she reprimanded herself. But something felt off about her. She didn't usually get this irritated so easily.

Now, all she wanted to do was taste the delectable chocolate drink Ben had made and she couldn't even figure that out. She dumped the mug into the sink, almost breaking the simple white cup. Her hands rested on the edge of the counter as she closed her eyes, trying to calm herself.

A voice broke through her reverie. "What did the cup ever do to you?"

Rey turned. Ben stood in the entryway, his eyes scrutinizing her tense exterior.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" It was like he could see something she couldn't about herself.

Hesitantly, he stepped into the galley and came toward her, still having the studious expression on his face. "You just… feel differently than usual." Rey didn't know how to respond to the weird analysis, so she just stated the obvious.

"Probably because I'm irritated."

Ben shrugged, closing the distance between him and the metal sink.

"Maybe…" he said as he glanced at the tipped over mug. His eyesight roamed over Rey's head to see the chocolate powder opened on the counter.

"You tried to make hot chocolate? In the middle of the day?" He said it like she should know what time it was appropriate to have hot chocolate, which she didn't. It had tasted delicious, so shouldn't she be able to drink it whenever she wanted?

"Yeah, well... I couldn't figure out how you made it."

He smiled down at her as her cheeks unwillingly began to flush, betraying her embarrassment. He neared her, his body pressing her up against the counter, making her bend backwards until her head hit the cabinet. The warmth of his torso against hers seeped through her clothes, causing her breathing to hitch and her mouth to go dry. He reached into the cabinet above her and brought out a paper wrapped bar.

"I can teach you how to make it, but I think you'll like this better." He stepped back, giving her some space as he held the bar out to her. She was flustered by his close proximity. It took her hand a moment to respond to her internal command to take what Ben was offering her. Anticipation flared out of him, and Rey wondered what was inside the brown wrapping.

She ripped the paper, inspecting the dark, compacted substance underneath. Tentatively, she brought it between her teeth and broke off a piece. The flavor was similar to the hot chocolate, but this was a thousand times more potent and sweet.

She was stunned. Frozen. Eyes wide enough to pop from their sockets. Her eyes met Ben's, his wide smile crinkling his lids as he watched her. She was helpless in stopping herself from shoving half of it in her mouth, needing more.

It was much more enjoyable to let the chocolate melt on her tongue and than chew it, causing it to come out of the sides of her mouth. Her eyes closed and she groaned out of gratification as she wiped her lips and licked her fingers.

An unrecognizable, but strong emotion blasted from Ben and flared up deep within her. Still licking her fingers and mouth, she opened her eyes and gazed directly at his indulgent expression. His eyes glossed over and he studied her mouth like it was the first time he'd ever seen such a thing.

He gulped and ran his hands through his hair. Rey could tell from his shaky breaths that he was struggling with something, but she wasn't sure what. He did have a sweet tooth, so maybe he really wanted some of the chocolate?

She held it out to him, but he shook his head. "No, it's yours. You can have as much as you want. There's more in the cupboard behind you."

"Thank you," she said between chews.

"Have you eaten any food yet?"

"Other than this?" She held up the mostly eaten bar. "No, I haven't. But I drank a liter of water." Her stomach sure felt like it had.

Ben moved over to the cabinets and started to grab a handful of bags and jars Rey couldn't identify. Pans clanged onto the stove and she observed as he poured water and a white grainy substance into the medium sized pot. She didn't know Ben could do something as domestic as cooking. They'd only been living off of rations and dehydrated food since landing on Spira.

In one fluid motion, Rey jumped onto the counter and sat on the flat surface, eating her choc bar while watching Ben handle the ingredients. "I didn't know you could cook."

A soft chuckle came from him as he opened the jar and poured the contents into a small saucepan. "This is hardly cooking. I can reheat things, but other than that, my knowledge in the culinary arts is limited." 

_Well, this is more than what I can do._

He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "Are you starting to feel better?"

She nodded. For the most part she felt more settled, but something uncomfortable was still bubbling beneath the surface. "I guess not eating or drinking anything and whacking a tree for a few hours brings out the worst in me."

He stirred the sauce as it began to bubble. "Look at what you accomplished when we did fight, though. You executed the strike perfectly."

She flatly looked at him. "I don't appreciate being tricked into hitting you. Especially in the face." She thought of when she slashed his face on Starkiller... how in that moment, she'd been tempted to kill him.

"I know how to take a beating, Rey." She didn't doubt that he did, but she had the inkling that he enjoyed the pain a little too much.

He turned away from the stove, giving Rey his full attention. His demeanor gave off an air of seriousness and Rey braced herself for a potential lecture. "So... I'm not exactly sure how to bring this up, which is why I'm just going to say it: You were feeding too much into your anger while training."

Rey exhaled dramatically. "I thought you said the choice of where my power comes from is my decision."

Ben reluctantly nodded. "It is, but you made it pretty clear to me that you don't want to use the Dark side."

"I don't."

"But you were, and I could feel how you were struggling to control yourself."

" _You_ are talking to _me_ about control?" she bit back, immediately regretting it. His searing eyes pinched and his temples protruded as he clenched his jaw. Her visage froze, realizing for the first time in a few days who she was really talking to. This man had a temper and she was pushing him when she knew she shouldn't.

Ben kept his voice even. "I know I have my own set of problems, but we're talking about you. Not me. Don't turn the conversation around." They squared off against one another, each one silently fighting for dominance over the situation. Surprisingly, Ben was the one who backed down as he took a deep breath and turned back to stirring the red sauce.

Letting in her anger and frustration had felt so easy. It even gave her a sense of strength Rey never knew she had. But once she was able to calm down, the exhaustion had set in and she felt off, like she'd compromised a part of herself for the power.

"It's, uh... hard for me to control my emotions while fighting," Rey said sheepishly. Ben stopped stirring as he listened to her quiet voice. "I even struggled on the island while dueling Master Skywalker, but today I let my anger escalate more than I should have. I'm sorry for snapping at you."

Ben relaxed his shoulders. "Rey," he whispered, twisting to look at her. She was glad to see that his expression was full of tenderness and understanding, instead of judgement and chastisement. He placed his hands on the countertop next to her thighs as he came in close, making her knees touch against his trousers. "You never need to apologize to me about how hard it is to contain your emotions. In fact, how about you never apologize to me again. Ever."

_Never apologize?_

"But I've said and done things that are rude or hurtful."

"No, you haven't. If I want an apology, I'll ask for it. Plus, if anyone can understand your struggle to control your anger, I can. I have twenty-nine years worth of it. So don't think I would ever get offended if you let it show."

She glanced down at her lap, watching as she twisted her fingers anxiously.

She just started learning the ways of the Force and she was already having trouble with regulating her emotions. What if she couldn't do it? "Ben, I don't like how the Dark side makes me feel. I don't want to use it," she confessed.

He leaned in closer. "I know, and I'll help you as much as I can to keep you in the Light."

Her eyes swooped back up to his as the shock of what he said shook her core. "You – you would? You'd help me do that?" _Does he even know how to do that?_ But she knew he did. He spent the first twenty-three years of his life fending off the darkness until he made the choice to finally let it in.

His stare beseeched her. "Rey, I would never take away your right to choose. Even if I do believe that the Light side is inferior, I'll support what you decide to do."

 _Who are you_ , Rey was about to ask, for she never thought she would hear such a statement come out of his mouth.

 _A Dark side user helping someone stay in the light. I wonder how that'll work. But_ … "What if, in the end, I choose the dark? You would just let me?"

It took a moment for him to reply. "If that is the path you want, then yes." That was not the exact answer she wanted.

Straightening her posture, she put as much conviction behind her demand as possible. "Ben, no, you have to stop me from ever choosing that."

His forehead furrowed in confusion. "But–"

"No buts. I can tell you with absolute certainty that if I ever do fall, there will always be a part of me that will want to be stopped from going down that path. I need you to promise me that you'll do whatever is necessary to bring me back." Dread filled his dark eyes as he stared deep into hers. _Is this how he feels? Does he want someone to save him, just how I would want someone to save me?_

Her hands clasped onto his arms. "Please. I need you to promise me." She could hear the sauce violently bubbling in the pan as she staunchly held his gaze. Rey was pleading to him to do this for her, and she so desperately needed him to mutter those two simple words. "Please, Ben," she added.

Her future was tied with his, but she could feel something looming over her fate. It was obscure in detail and sinister in feeling and she knew that the day she would face it was fast approaching. They couldn't stay on Spira forever, nor could they ignore the unrest in the galaxy. Their life of pretend would soon be over and she wondered where that would leave the two of them.

From the melancholy look in Ben's eyes, he knew the truth as well. "I promise," he muttered.

A big exhale of relief escaped Rey's lungs as she relaxed her head against his shoulder. Her arms wrapped around his back, pulling him closer, her body demanding the comfort of his warmth. He hesitated before mimicking her embrace, letting his fingers stroke through her coarse hair. His warm breath trailed down her cheek and she could've been mistaken, but she was sure she felt Ben kiss the crown of her head.

_What would it feel like to have those lips on my skin?_

They eventually parted, letting their focus return to preparing the meal. Rey found the flavors to be absolutely delicious and praised Ben for making it. He shrugged off the compliment as he downplayed his efforts. Poe had joined them just as they began eating at the lounge table. Ben had told him to make his own food; Rey invited him to eat what was made.

The two men sat across from each other, making the ambiance of the room tense. Rey focused on scarfing down her portion, only noticing Poe and Ben staring at her once she was finished. She should've felt embarrassed, but she was so damn hungry that she didn't care.

Ben caught her attention. "So, if you don't have anything else to demand of me today, I was wondering if I could show you something."

"Show her what?" Poe asked, his mouth full of food.

Ben tried to ignore him, but Rey saw his eye involuntarily twitch. "Sure. Is it more Force training?"

"Uh, not really... no."

Poe gulped down his food. "Hmmmm… Sounds suspicious." Ben glared at him, but all Poe did was smile as he took another bite. Rey found the little tiff amusing, but she didn't let it show.

Ben put his attention back on Rey. "We can start the washing some clothes before we head out, if you want." Rey nodded in excitement. Maybe if she bugged Ben long enough, he'd let her take apart the machine so she could see how it worked.

"Oh, my clothes need to be washed as well," Poe chimed in. "Mind if I throw them in?"

"Yes."

"No," Rey countered, holding Ben with a serious stare.

As usual, Rey won the dispute.


	19. A Fire in Your Eyes

"Nervous?" Ben asked.

The evening sun was fighting to break free from the overcast clouds, but its light was still beating down on the clear ocean water as Rey and Ben stood just outside the waves. There was a small breeze to cool off Rey's warm skin and play with her loose hair. No matter how beautiful the view, though, trepidation was starting to slip into her expression and Ben was catching onto how jumpy her eyes were.

She glanced up and caught him watching her with his black, warm eyes. This look of caring and patience was reserved for her and only her, making her feel like she was the only woman in the whole galaxy. "Well, the last time I did this I drowned, so…."

He nodded in understanding. "You want to go back to the ship?"

Rey chewed at the inside of her cheek, considering that if she did back down, she would view herself as a coward. "No, I want to do this."

His light grin made her feel slightly better. "Okay." He took a step back and eyed her up and down. She was wearing one of his black sleeveless undershirts and brown trousers, paired with his dark undergarments underneath. Her chest wrap and other undergarments were in the wash, so Rey was forced to go without any support on her chest. Not like it mattered since she barely had any breasts to begin with, but it still made her uncomfortable without it.

"Uh..." Ben began, slightly timid. "People tend to wear clothes that are acclimated to swimming, but I'm sure you'll be fine in that."

Now Ben was more nervous out of the two as he pushed his hair back and avoided eye contact. Rey looked at her attire, realizing that the amount of clothing she wore would probably weigh her down in the water.

 _Well, I'm wearing his undershorts so maybe I should just swim in those._ It wasn't like she was jumping into the water naked. And he had seen her in her chest wrap after the battle on the island. So why did she feel so nervous about wearing shorts in front of him?

 _You know what, you took him up on his offer to teach you how to swim and you will not let the matter of clothing get in the way of that_.

Before Rey put too much thought into it, she slipped the trousers off her waist and brushed them aside with her foot. Heat spread into her cheeks as she walked confidently out into the water, relishing in how warm and relaxing it felt. She stopped when the tide rose to her waist and pivoted around, wondering what was taking Ben so long to join her.

He was frozen on the beach, staring straight at her in astonishment. "You can't teach me how to swim from the beach," she called out to him. "You have to get in the water, you know." Her torso twisted from side to side as her hands glided over the sparkling water and her toes dug into the silky sand.

Ben took a step forward, and then glanced down at his shirt and pants. Rey knew he liked being covered, especially while in the company of other people. The hesitancy stemmed back to his hatred of making himself vulnerable, but with Rey, he had nothing to be afraid of.

Rey was growing impatient while waiting for him to make a decision. Slowly, he lifted his arms over his head and clutched onto the back of his shirt, pulling it off of his body in one motion. His hair dropped over his face and he shook it out of his eyes as he stalked forward into the ocean, making the decision to keep his pants on.

Rey couldn't stop from gawking at him.

He was just as she remembered from the island, but the brightness of day accentuated all the curves of his muscles and the durability of his sturdy shoulders and neck. Her eyes wondered down his robust chest and onto his constricted middle. His trousers were sagging lower from the pull of water and she could make out a v-shape curving down his pelvis….

She snapped her eyes away, feeling embarrassed at inspecting him in such an intimate manner. He probably didn't appreciate being stared at. She should respect his boundaries.

The loud splashing made it known to her that he was near, and she decided to watch him close the rest of the gap between them. His face was blank, but his eyes… they were on fire as he gazed at her. Never had she met another person that could fill the same level of passion into their eyes as Ben could muster into one stare.

He halted an arms length away and loomed over her small stature. Rey gulped, knowing she should look away, but doing so would seem akin to committing a crime.

"Ready?" he asked.

Rey nodded as her mind reminded her of the reason they were out here in the first place. She turned to walk further into the water, but Ben grabbed her waist.

"And where do you think you're going?" His voice was full of the playful tone Rey had come to like.

"Don't we need to go further out into the water?"

"How about we stay in the shallows where you can learn how to keep yourself afloat and how to properly use your arms." As usual, Ben wanted to take things slow. Way too slow.

She glanced behind at the vast sea. "But I–"

He chuckled. "You always want to jump before knowing where you're going, don't you?" Rey did have a certain amount of impatience when it came to learning. Ben was quickly picking up on that.

"When I want to be good at something, I like to get the learning aspect of it done quickly."

He smiled at her honesty. Rey mirrored his expression. "Looks like you and I have something in common, but trust me. It won't take you long to learn how to swim."

Ben started off by having her float on her back. Rey was finding it tricky to not let herself sink. Every time a small wave came over her head, her breathing became erratic and she started to panic. Flashes of drowning on Ahch-To would play in her thoughts and rekindle her fears, but Ben rarely loosened his grip on her.

He stayed by her side while kneeling in the water, keeping his hands under her body to help her stay afloat. It took her a while, but she finally got used to hovering atop the salty ocean.

When Ben proposed going deeper into the waves, Rey almost jumped out of her skin in anticipation. The further she stepped into the sea, though, the more she started to panic and question her decision.

"Here," Ben said, grabbing Rey's waist and guiding her legs to wrap around his midsection. Rey looked at him, but he was too focused on swimming them out deeper into the water to catch her gaze. Grasping tightly onto his shoulders, her hands took on a life of their own, wondering over flesh she had no claim to. The feel of his bare shoulders and tight chest slipping over her fingers… and the water lubricating the friction… and the heat of him seeping into her and running up her body made her feel reckless.

Everything was quiet and she hadn't even realized Ben had stopped swimming. Her wondering palms must have gotten his attention, for he was ardently gazing at her while his arms fanned out and his legs kicked below. If he stilled or tried to grab her, they would go under. Rey felt so powerful knowing that he couldn't stop her from touching him.

_To hell with boundaries._

Her hands continued their journey over his pale skin, beginning by going down and up his sides. Sliding over his wide chest, she had an innate desire to feel his stomach, so her fingers slid further down between them. There were so many grooves of muscle that it astounded her that a man could feel and look so strong.

Gods, she was having a difficult time thinking straight. His skin was shooting energy inside her body that was so electric, she thought her heart would stop from its sheer potency. _How is it possible for him to make me feel this way?_ Ben wasn't doing anything as he treaded water and let her explore his torso, but he was doing enough by just being there.

Her fingers swept through his wet hair, appreciating how thick and silky it felt. She traced the scar on his face, down his neck, and onto his shoulder. The blemish was a blatant reminder of who this man was or better yet, who she thought he had been. To compare their first ever meeting on Takodana to what was happening right now was hard to even fathom. He'd been so shrouded in darkness and threats, that the idea of this man being beneath that thick shadow would have made her laugh in disbelief.

But here he was, making her feel things she never thought possible.

()()()()()

Ren breathlessly spoke her name. A visceral need accumulated deep within his gut as he felt her palms ravage his skin. No one… not one single soul had ever touched him as fondly as Rey was doing right then. He desperately needed to return her touch, but he had to keep them above the water or the moment would be ruined. Rey had all the control, which was probably a good thing since his hands wanted to do inappropriate things to her womanly figure.

She cupped his face with her small hands, staring at his parted lips. He needed to know what she was feeling. He tugged on their connection gently, silently imploring her to let him in.

A strong punch of arousal made him almost black out as he realized that the emotion was coming from her. _She feels this way for me? How? When? Is it possible to be this lucky? No, there is no such thing as luck_. He had no logical explanation for what was happening, so he searched her eyes instead.

They held some type of mysterious, active fluid, a force that dragged everything in, like the undertow of a wave retreating from the shore on a tempestuous day. It threatened to drag him under. So his stare held onto her ears, her nose, her hair sticking to her skin; but as soon as he returned to her pupils, the wave emerged from within and stretched its tendrils toward his soul. Each wave was pure and full of light as it threatened to envelope him and swallow him whole. For the first time in his life, he wished to be someone else so he could believe in his mind that he really deserved this woman, for the person looking at her was not worthy to gaze at such a serene face.

As if testing his reaction, she moved closer, their noses touching. He didn't pull away because he wanted this just as badly as she did. Her head tilted and she caressed his face with her thumbs. The sound of the water drowned out the rush of blood in his ears as his heart hammered against his ribs. He prayed that she wouldn't stop, that she would close the distance between them…

Their lips barely touched, teasing him of the human contact he'd always yearned for from her. She pulled back slightly, looking at him with uncertainty. He wanted this more than he'd ever wanted anything in his entire existence, and he pressed that to her across their connection. She didn't hesitate as she locked her soft lips fully onto his.

Her kiss was a fire, first in his mouth then down in his belly, an all-powerful wave that filled him out from the inside, giving him a strength he never knew existed. Every life he took, all the rage that fueled his drive, and every minute spent in obscurity paled in comparison with the power he felt from Rey's lips pressing against his own.

His hands clung onto her back, dipping beneath the undershirt and spreading his palms on her bare back. As quickly as he touched her, they suddenly dipped under the water. He'd been so lost in the moment that he forgot he was the one keeping them upright.

He felt her immediately panic as she tried to claw her way out of his grip. While keeping one arm wrapped around her middle, he broke through the surface, hearing her frightened breaths next to his ear. He paddled quickly back to where he could stand before grabbing her face and looking at her scared expression.

"Are you okay?" he asked her.

She coughed and peeled the hair away from her eyes. "I, uh, I think I'm done with swimming lessons for the day." He scolded himself for losing her trust in teaching her how to swim. _Stupid, moronic-_ "We can continue tomorrow, if that's okay. Going under the water caught me off guard and I just need a break." She gave him a timid smile as he looked at her with surprise.

"Yeah – yeah of course. We can start again tomorrow." Stars, he prayed to every entity out there they would do this again tomorrow.

Ren brought her into the shallows, allowing her to walk on her own back to the beach. Words escaped him and he wasn't sure what to say. He feared that this could possibly be a dream and if he woke to find himself in his room, he would not be able to stop from igniting his saber and destroying every single thing in his vicinity.

Rey darted to her trousers, picking them up off the sand and turning to face him. He couldn't stop his eyes from roaming over her in his clothes. He was content with never seeing her in anything else.

She must have realized what he was thinking, for their connection was still open. Her cheeks blushed and her eyes grew wide. He sensed how much she wanted him, all of it in the most carnal ways possible.

"I need – I need to use the refresher," she blurted out before dashing to the tree line, the setting sun casting her long shadow across the sand. She harshly shut their connection, and Ren took a step back as if a door had suddenly closed on him. He watched as she disappeared beyond the vegetation, confusion growing in his thoughts.

_Do I go after her? Does she want to be alone? Is she regretting what happened? Should I have stopped it from happening?_

Ren was not a people person, nor did he know how to handle women. Rey had blatantly ran away from him, so in the very least he was able to deduce that she most likely wanted space to think over what had transpired. Interestingly, all he wanted to do was be by her side again.

His mind raced as he realized just how attached he'd grown to one, single person. All his life he'd hated being around people. Everything about humanity disgusted him; they all lied, cheated, and went out of their ways to be someone they weren't just so they could forward their own agendas. He could feel their greedy emotions and pick up their selfish thoughts whenever he was in a crowd, and it had been suffocating.

With Rey, he didn't pick up on any of that. The first authentic person he had ever come across in his life and they just so happen to be bound together. Now, though, he couldn't help but feel like things just got a lot more complicated between them.

Once back to the ship, Ren went straight for the living quarters, noticing the sounds of the shower in the refresher. He was somewhat dry, so he decided to wait in his chambers for the shower to become available. He changed into his black leather pants and a dark long sleeved shirt, slipping a split tunic over the thin material that hit right above his knees. His hair was still damp, but that didn't stop him from laying across the bottom bunk. Exhaustion quickly settled into his bones and he let his eyes drift closed as he replayed the events of the day.

If Rey ended up regretting what had happened, it would devastate him, but he would understand why she felt that way. He represented everything she desperately didn't want to become, so how could she want to be with him? He felt her desire, but only in the most superficial ways of pleasure and fleshly needs. To deny that he wanted the same thing would deny that the Force existed. But he wanted more than the superficial with Rey. What he wanted – and he realized it went against all his years of training to rid himself of sentiment – was their hearts to align and run parallel into a shared destiny. Sex was meaningless if he couldn't have her affection, and he knew that was close to impossible.

As his fingers slid across his mouth, he thought about how her lips caressed his... and how that memory was going to torment him for the rest of his waking days. It had been his first and maybe last kiss, but even knowing the heartache it would give him, he'd never take it back.

()()()()()

Ren snapped awake, shooting up in his bed and hitting his forehead on the top bunk. He cursed out loud while rubbing the pain away, noticing the light was still on in the room. He must've drifted off to sleep while waiting for Rey to be done using the refresher.

But something had made him suddenly awaken. It was a minute feeling, but it had resonated within him since the emotion was not his own. It was pure, unadulterated excitement and it had been coming from Rey.

_What is she doing?_

He walked to her room and commanded the door to open, but she was nowhere inside. He quickly checked the lounge and the galley, also coming up empty. Taking a deep breath, he scanned the surrounding area for her signature and still, he couldn't find her. Their connection was closed, but he knew he could force it open. The need to do so never came up before, as he wanted Rey to think that she could have her privacy. But panic was about to overtake him and he needed to know where she was.

_Rightfuckingnow._

He clawed at her barrier in full strength and felt it pop, the knowledge of where she'd gone immediately flooding his awareness. Now, he was definitely panicking.

Rey had snuck out sometime during the night and had gone into the city. His immediate response was to find her and drag her back before she was noticed, but he stopped as he weighed that thought. The First Order didn't know what she looked like, and the likelihood of her being recognized was zero. _But what if she runs into some other kind of trouble? Does she even know how to navigate through a big city?_

Snoke was for sure looking for him. If he went to find her, it could cause trouble.

_What the hell do I do?_

The conversation he had the other day with Poe came to mind. He didn't know why, but he knew these sudden thoughts shouldn't be ignored. _The pilot had stolen clothes and fuel, I told him about the credit chip, I let the pilot feel guilty for his thievery–_

_Wait._

"The credit chip," Ren said on an exhale.

He sprinted to his room, full out lunging for the side table. He opened the drawer, rifling through the contents, but not finding the card. The next second he was at the pilots door, commanding the Force to unlock the entryway.

The lights illuminated in the room. "Did you tell Rey about the Galactic Credit chip?!" Poe jumped frantically out of bed, wearing only his briefs and going for the blaster on the nightstand. He was confused, the deep lines of sleep still plaguing his face as he processed what was happening.

The pilot's face went from confusion, to panic, before finally settling on anger. "What the hell are you doing in here?! Get the fuck out!"

Ren ignored his request. "Did you tell Rey about my credit chip?" 

"What?" The pilot's brows pinched together. Ren charged at the man, but halted as Poe pointed the blaster right at his chest. "Whoa, back off man. I don't know what the hell's going on. So how about you wipe that murderous look off your face and explain to me what this is all about, like a rational human being."

Ren was tempted to rip the information he needed out of Poe's head and leave the guy a whisper of who he used to be, but he resisted. Instead, he clenched his teeth and breathlessly explained what was unfolding. Thankfully, Poe lowered the blaster just as Ren entertained the thought of tearing the pilot's arm from its socket.

"The First Order doesn't even know what Rey looks like. Let the girl live a little and wonder around the city. Khalon looked like a well maintained town when I went there."

Ren stared at the pilot, flabbergasted as to what he was saying. "Did you miss the part where I said the chip is directly linked to First Order funds? Or are you suffering from bloodburn?"

"I don't have that disease and yes, I heard you say–" Poe froze, finally comprehending what Ren was trying to explain to him. "The First Order can track your chip use," Poe stated, wide eyed.

"Yes, did you convey that detail to Rey?"

"Convey it to her?" Astonishment shone in the pilot's large eyes. "You didn't even convey that to me! How was I–" Ren balled his fists at his sides and left the startled pilot in his quarters. Poe was right; he had left that detail unknown to the pilot so the man could stew over what he'd done. He should have remembered to ask Poe to steal some clothes for Rey, then maybe she wouldn't have ventured off to the city.

 _Shit, shit, shit_ …

Ren entered his own room, quickly putting on his boots and thick belt so he could hide his saber hilt beneath it. He made his way down the hallway and slid down the ladder that led into the cargo bay. The ramp opened upon his command and he jumped into the driver's seat of the compact speeder. Poe landed in the passenger's side and the two men took a moment to stare at one another.

"Get out," Ren ordered.

"No." Poe snapped back. "You might need my help."

"I don't need your help."

"Well, that's too damn bad, cause you're gonna get it. Unless you'd rather keep glaring at me and waste more time." Ren's eyes pinched, but the pilot didn't back down. There was no time to argue and maybe, just maybe, the guy could be useful.

Ren entered his passcode and the speeder came to life. He guided the machine through the trees, looking for a big enough opening onto the beach. Once finding it, he hit the throttle and blasted them onto the coast, setting his sights on the illuminated city ahead.

"Exactly how do you plan on finding her? The city is huge!" Poe yelled over the rushing wind. Ren could feel Rey trying to suppress their connection, but he kept fighting for control and so far, he was winning.

"I can feel her," Ren responded as he saw a wide trail come into his view, appearing to lead into the city. More than likely, Rey had taken this exact route.

"Can't she hide her Force signature or something?"

 _So, the pilot knows some basics about the Force._

Ren slowed the speeder as he turned it onto the dirt trail. "She can't hide it from me." The deceleration of the speeder no longer required them to shout over the roaring wind.

The pilot gave Ren a quizzical look. "You're that powerful or something?"

Ren didn't answer because he wasn't exactly sure what to say. No one outside of the party involved knew about the Force bond, and he wasn't in a very sharing mood at the moment. Poe might look at Rey differently once he knew she was tied to such a monster, and Ren didn't want the girl to lose the small amount of friends she had. She treasured them, so where did that leave him in her life? He was starting to think too much about a topic that made him feel uneasy.

"Something like that," Ren muttered. Poe left the matter alone as he recognized Ren's mood of not wanting to elaborate.

The rest of the ride was silent as Ren zipped the speeder through the wavy trail, which turned into a paved road the closer they came to Khalon. Finally, the wide gates of the city came into view and Ren noted the guards at both posts as they entered the robust town.

Humans and aliens littered the streets ahead, making it impossible to maneuver the speeder. It would be easier to look for Rey on foot, so he decided to park the machine off to the side. Before shutting off the engine, he glanced at the time portal that lined up with the planets epoch schedule. It was two-thirteen in the morning. Ren cursed at the town for never sleeping.

He started to walk down a random street. The pilot followed without making a sound. Not surprisingly, Ren was taller than the vast majority of beings and could easily get a wider range of sight, but in this case, it didn't help much. He was relying on the connection to find Rey, which was getting more and more difficult to keep open. The girl was fighting him and he could sense her panic once she realized he was in the city.

Gentle pleas resonated through the bond as Rey begged him to let her stay a little longer. She was having fun, something she'd never experienced before in a town of this magnitude. He ignored her so he could focus on her location.

His mind was telling him to go left. He sprinted down an alleyway, pushing tourists from his path and ignoring their yells of offense. Ren followed his senses, which had him make two more lefts and a then a right. The last turn led him into a big, open quad. Vendors of various foods and trinkets lined the stony ground, obstructing his clean view. She was so close he felt like if he reached his hand out, he could touch her.

Ren circled a few carts, keeping his eyes sharp when he abruptly locked onto Rey's back in the distance. He didn't hesitate to run to her side, but before he reached out to her, she spun around, a hard look plastered on her features.

"You shouldn't have come here. I'm perfectly fine," she bit at him.

"I shouldn't have come here? None of us should be here! You–" He paused and took a step back as he started to take in her new appearance. A black, sleeveless jumpsuit hugged her every curve, a pair of black boots blending into the material to give the illusion she was taller than she actually was. Her light blue vest went down to the middle of her thighs and was tied shut by a brown leather belt. A satchel hung at her waist and black armbands covered her forearms. Her hair was even different as it had been pulled into a single braid from the top of her head, all the way down to her shoulder. A string of thoughts shot through his mind; the first being how she should never wear black around him.

The second: she had obviously used the credit chip.

Ren was too late.

He grabbed her arm, dragging her through the crowd as she protested. "What's wrong with you? I know I shouldn't have come here, but–"

He whipped around as he snapped at her. "That chip is linked to the First Order! They can track everything you bought directly to this city!" Rey's face paled and her mouth slackened. Ren probably shouldn't be shouting at her, but he couldn't control himself. She stole from him and came here after he told her not to. "We need to–"

A sharp pinch resonated in his neck. His hand shot up, pulling a small metal dart from his skin. Him and Rey gazed at it in his opened palm and then locked eyes. Her horrified face swam out of focus and the city noise sounded more distant with every labored breath. Ren tried telling her to run, but what came out of his mouth was something more close to a groan than any actual language.

Rey yelled his name and lunged forward as his knees gave out and his vision went black.


	20. Time For Some Freedom

Rey walked along the beach, heading toward the distant lights of the city. She wasn't sure what time it was, but she had to get out of the confines of the ship. Preferably without Ben knowing. The thought of seeing or talking with him after what had happened made her stomach tighten into knots. The innate pull to touch his skin and to taste his lips was still there. Her body yearned for more. What's worse is that she knew he had felt that need from her.

That kiss… that kiss awoke something inside her that demanded to be satiated. And the way Ben looked at her reminded her of their first dream together, though his gaze in the ocean had been a thousand times more potent. Their connection had been open and flowing as he impressed upon her just how badly he wanted her lips to lock onto his and she couldn't stop herself from obliging.

The bond flared within her, causing her to feel the vastness of his emotions. As she cradled his face and closed her eyes, relishing in the feel of him, she saw the part of him that he kept locked away, even from himself. He had always denied his humanity, but it was there and she could taste it within her own heart.

While sealed in that moment, Rey had picked up on how the Light inside Ben cared deeply and fast, with all of himself or none at all. He gave off the illusion that he could never be hurt, but in truth, he scarred easier than most. He was brutality and tenderness, all compacted into the same whisper. In his complete lack of in betweens, he was mesmerizing, and the fire within her had not been able to look away.

Rey turned onto a dirt road as a small part of her conscience ripped through her thoughts, showing Kylo Ren dressed completely in black with not a touch of skin showing. His mask, _that_ mask Rey hated with a vengeance, was mocking her for the way she felt. That creature laughed deeply at her foolishness for thinking that Ben could ever be hers, for he would always belong to the guise of Kylo Ren.

The murder of Han came imposingly to her mind.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop her tears from falling, but failing as one slid down her cheek. Her circumstances had never been fair, and Ben was no exception. Her mind wondered to her childhood fantasies, how she would pretend a prince would save her from her insignificant existence. She would leave Jakku behind and venture out into the galaxy with her other half, finding any clue that would lead her to her family.

Rey's childish dreams were still very much a part of her. And yet, she knew it was naive to yearn for such stories to come true. But Ben was the one who'd been calling out to her through the stars. Every night, looking up at the sky, it had been him reaching out for her, needing her. Beckoning. But being drawn to someone and being with them were two different things.

 _Could being together actually work between us_?

This gave her pause. Rey hungered for an emotional connection with him, but wasn't sure he'd even be willing to give her the same. Did he even remember how to connect with someone? She was shocked she was even entertaining the idea of actually, fully being with him. Doing so would make her entirely vulnerable to Ben, and she wasn't sure if she was ready for something like that. Her intuition was telling her that he might never get to that point either.

So many obstacles stood in the way of that vision: Snoke, her friends, his family, the fact that the Dark side had broken Ben's spirit and he was now a slave to that pain. He had taken so many lives and had watched people die with the very eyes Rey liked to gaze into.

The ramifications of being with him had the possibility of being very severe. She knew the possibility of losing her friendship with Finn was high, considering how Ben nearly killed him and had witnessed the killing of Han. Hopefully, she would never have to choose between the two men... because if she had to, she knew who she would give up.

Gods, she was a horrible friend _._

Rey was getting tired of thinking of Ben's sins. It was like an endless circle of self-doubt that started with wanting him and then remembering who he was, which ended with her feeling guilty for her desires and trying to live in denial.

The large gates of the city came into view. Rey banished her doubts and needs from her thoughts, wanting to get lost in the city and forget about the complexities of her life. Just for a little while.

Her nerves stood up as she noticed the guards on both sides of the posts, but she kept her strides even and her face blank. The guards paid her no heed. She let out a strangled exhale once she entered the city _. S_

 _See, you're a nobody,_ she thought inwardly. _Not a single person will know who you are._

The city proved to be very overwhelming. So many aliens and humans lined the streets that Rey was having a hard time navigating through the many shops. She was not used to being around this many people. In fact, she'd never been in a crowd of this magnitude. Stealthily, she snaked her way through the extravagantly dressed beings and pressed her back against a stony wall.

A door slid open beside her. A group of human women walked out, each one carrying a bundle of bags and laughing out into the warm night air. Rey slid inside the shop quickly, needing to collect her thoughts from the rush of outside traffic.

Her vision was instantaneously bombarded by a vast spectrum of color she never knew existed. Fabrics of many shapes and sizes lined the walls and filled up nearly all the floor space. She walked forward, hypnotized, caressing her fingers against the soft clothes and awed at the intricate designs.

"Can I help you find something?" Rey twisted around to find a female Togruta waiting for her reply. She looked older, but Rey wasn't sure what constituted old with Togruta's. The female's grey skin had intricate white lines across her cheeks and forehead that scaled up into her blue horns. Her facial expression seemed kind, though, helping Rey to relax.

"Uh… I need some clothes," Rey stated. The Togruta waited for Rey to elaborate, but she wasn't sure what else to say. The alien eyed her appearance, taking in her oversized trousers and large shirt in a disapproving stare.

"Is there anything in particular you were wanting to try on?" Rey glanced around, not seeing anything that would work with the lifestyle she currently had.

"I'm, um... a very active person... I guess. I move around a lot, if that makes sense. Do you have anything that could work with that?"

The alien's demeanor straightened, looking eager to help her new customer. "We have a large line of active wear further back in the store. If you follow me, I can help you find something suitable to your needs." The Togruta navigated them through the maze of eccentric apparel, stopping once they reached the section of less bulky clothing.

"What is your chest measurement?"

Rey stared at the alien, perplexed by the question. "I'm not sure."

The Togruta looked a bit surprised, like Rey should know of something so trivial. "Well, no worries. We can measure you. What's your standard size in bottoms?" Rey was starting to feel uncomfortable as the Togruta asked her questions she had no clue how to answer.

So, she answered in the only way she knew how: honestly. "I actually don't know my size in anything. I don't really own many clothes," Rey quietly replied. The alien was perplexed, but tried to hide it so she didn't embarrass her new customer.

"That's all right, dear. Measuring only takes a few moments and then I can help you find a whole new wardrobe. How does that sound?"

Rey grinned, not being able to hide her excitement over owning something not already worn down. "Great, actually. I really need to get out of these clothes." The Togruta gave a hearty laugh, no doubt thinking the same thing.

The Togruta ushered her over to a space in the corner and pulled out a measuring tape. "My name is Okona Naa. I own and operate this store."

Okona wrapped the tape around Rey's middle, memorizing the measurements as she went. "I'm Rey."

After being measured, Okona guided Rey through the many different racks as she tried to explain what colors complimented each other and what the most popular styles were for that season. Really, Rey was lost during most of the conversation. What she always wore on Jakku was more for survival than it was for fashion, but Okona insisted that Rey wear the most posh active apparel in stock. As long as she didn't have to be in Ben's enormous clothes, Rey was open-minded with taking on a new look. The life she had led and the rags she'd worn belonged in the past. She very much wanted to bury those memories.

The Togruta's arms were full of outfits in a matter of minutes – all the while following Rey's request for nothing too flashy – and guided Rey to a dressing room. She went through all of the different shirts, not liking how easily they showed her midsection once she raised her arms. The capris weren't any better, in the sense that they didn't have a lot of give in the material. The last piece Rey had purposely set aside for last, appearing the most intimidating. It was the black sleeveless jumpsuit and it looked terrifyingly constricting. She was tempted to skip the outfit all together, but curiosity changed her mind when she wondered what she would look like in something black. 

Rey's body slid inside the fabric, easily contouring to her slim figure. She zipped up the back and turned to see her reflection in the mirror. Her heart skipped, not knowing immediately whom she was staring at. Slowly, her eyes roamed over her body as if she was just discovering it for the first time. She marveled at her shape, the small curve of her hips, and the leanness of her strong legs. Her hands ran up her sides as she observed the strip of pleating running from below her arms, all the way down to her ankles.

To her amazement, the jumpsuit felt amazing against her skin. The fabric was breathable and it moved with her like it was a part of her body. And the color… she had to admit, she looked _good_ in black, but she wanted to add something lighter to the outfit to balance it out.

She dug through the pile of garments, remembering that she'd seen a light blue vest. Her hand pulled it from the bottom and she swiftly put it on, knowing instantly that this is what the ensemble needed. As she just smiled at herself in the mirror, Okona came up to the room and asked if she'd found anything to her liking.

Rey stepped out and watched as the Togruta's shocked expression caused her mouth to slacken. "Wow. I didn't know that body was beneath those baggy clothes!" Okona positively beamed at her masterpiece.

To finish the look, Okona picked out a leather belt and knee high black boots, which Rey was grateful for. Her current shoes were extremely worn down and past their prime. 

Against Okona's advice, Rey would only buy what she had on, which included the undergarments and new modernized chestwrap. It was odd to have the credits to pay for all it, having swiped Ben's credit chip while he'd been unaware. There was a pinch of guilt over stealing what was his, but his clothes were basically falling off of her and she needed something more sensible to train in. And it wasn't like she was going to spend an exorbitant amount of credits. Poe had said something about Ben being filthy rich, so what was a few hundred credits to him?

Ben wouldn't care about the money. No... what he would care about was that she snuck out and ventured into the city. But out of the thousands of planets in the galaxy, the probability of running into the First Order here was zero. Besides, Rey was a nobody and wasn't tied to the galaxy as much as Ben was. Her plan was simple: keep to herself and not make any trouble. It was one of the reasons she didn't bring her saber – nothing life-threatening was going to happen.

_I_ _f Ben could see me now, he would lecture me for a week._

She almost laughed at the thought.

As she handed the credit chip to Okona, she grew nervous. Would it work? What if something was wrong with it? Luckily, the transaction went smoothly, leaving Rey to figure out what to do with her old attire.

"Would it be possible for you to hold onto these for me?" Rey asked. "I want to walk around the city for a bit, but don't want them to get in the way."

"That won't be a problem." Okona grabbed the bundle and placed them in a bag below the counter. "We do close right before dawn and won't open back up till two in the afternoon, but if you have to come back tomorrow for them, that should be fine." Rey thanked the Togruta, not just for holding onto the old clothes, but for helping her see just how beautiful she could actually be.

"It's one of the things I enjoy most about my job, dear. After spending all day tending to superficial people, you were a breath of fresh air." Rey smiled at the compliment. "If you ever need anything for your wardrobe, come back here. I would love to pick out some more things for you." They exchanged their farewells and Rey walked confidently out into the city.

A lot of time was spent ambling through various shops and watching a wide range of street performers. She was so fascinated by all the intricate jewelry she came across, but stopped herself from purchasing any. She did, however, buy a satchel that she attached to her belt. It was the simplest one out of the selection, which helped Rey justify having it. Besides, she always felt more comfortable having a place to store small items while she ventured around.

At one point, she stopped at a very large window, peering at the many different humans and humanoids being pampered in ways Rey never new was offered. Some were having their nails tended to, others were getting their hair washed and their scalps massaged. All of it looked tranquil and heavenly. Reys scalp itched for the treatment she was witnessing inside.

She knew she shouldn't and she did feel guilty, but she went inside and had her hair lathered and cleaned. It was glorious, the treatment instantly relaxing her. She asked for a singular braid and watched eagerly in the mirror as they listened to her request. When she was small, she had tried to braid her hair, but never could figure out how to keep it even and tight.

Rey's countenance positively glowed as she took in her new hairstyle, for she had only ever worn it in the three buns of her childhood or completely loose.

She hopped from shop to shop, not even feeling tired from being on her feet for what must have been hours. Something sweet caught her nose, and she followed the trail to a vendor selling a wide array of hot pies. Her stomach was grumbling, and she couldn't seem to tear her sight away from one of the desserts in particular. She bought an Almakian apple pie and sat at the edge of a fountain while she devoured the succulent pastry.

Then, her hairs stood on end. A small ping of pressure hit her mind. The Force became sharp and painful as each punch took her breath away. She was confused by what she was feeling, but before she could pinpoint the cause, her head exploded in immense pain. The remainder of the pie fell from her hands as she cradled her head, willing her vision to stay in focus.

It was him.

Ben had forced himself into her mind, more forceful and less graceful than he'd done on Starkiller base. He knew she was in the city, and her panic resonated through her fast paced heart. All she could do was sit there and experience his wave of emotions. It started off with immense alarm, then contemplation, before it ended in anger. He was absolutely livid and the fury was aimed all at her.

 _What do I do? Should I go back?_ But she didn't want Ben's frustration to end the journey she began. If Rey allowed his moods to affect her decisions, she would never do anything she wanted. There was more she needed to absorb from the city, so she decided to stay and work on blocking Ben out. But the more strength she put behind closing their connection, the more Ben would match it and then some.

A realization dawned on her: This whole time she thought she had privacy, but it had all been a lie. Ben knew how to open their bond whenever he damn well pleased. Rey's animosity toward him grew as that detail kept cycling through her mind.

Well, now her act of rebellion was solidified. She was staying in the city. Ben could stay on the ship and fume about it.

Music caught her attention. She followed it, the melody taking her to an open quad lined with vendors and people. Using instruments Rey didn't recognize, a small band was playing in the middle. She wondered over and stood in the group of onlookers. Her body swayed from side to side as she let the sound wash over her and propel her imagination off into a different life of tranquility and amazement.

Her eyes snapped open, looking at nothing in particular as she focused on Ben's presence. He was in the city. The one thing she thought he wouldn't do was come find her, but as clear as the ocean water, she could feel him within Khalon's walls.

Desperation grew within her as she sent Ben silent pleas to let her stay a little while longer, but he shot down her requests. In a matter of minutes, or seconds, he was going to find her. She didn't realize the music had stopped playing and that the crowd had dispersed. She'd been too lost in her thoughts. Then, she was moving, her feet guiding her around and around until she stopped in front of a display of jewelry. She memorized the pretty ornaments like it was the last time she would ever see them.

She felt Ben eyes on her, could sense him running right at her. She wheeled around to face him, not hiding the annoyed glint in her eyes as he towered over her. His hair was blown back from all the running he had endured, giving her a clear view his fanned out ears. "You shouldn't have come here," she told him vehemently. "I'm perfectly fine. Nothing has happened." It was difficult not to scream the words at him, but his intimidating stature and fury filled stare helped stop her from doing so.

"I shouldn't have come here? None of us should be here! You-." Ben's eyes grew wide as he shuffled back, looking over her new appearance. Rey didn't shy away from his roaming eyes, but instead held herself tall with all the confidence she could muster. Ben's stare was hungry and possessive, but it was soon replaced with urgency.

The grip on her arm was surprisingly gentle, but firm, as he grabbed her and dragged her through the quad. She pulled against him and protested, but he was unrelenting in letting her go. "What is wrong with you? I know I shouldn't have come here, but-."

He twisted around, glaring at her as he brought her body closer to his.

"That chip is linked to the First Order! They can track everything you bought to this city!" Rey was utterly floored by the new set of information. Admittedly, she knew very little about banking and money, but she sure as hell understood what it meant to be tracked. "We need to-." Ben twitched and caught something on his neck. He opened his palm as they both examined the dart and the faint trace of blood on the needle. Rey looked up in horror, watching Ben's eyelids become heavy while he fought to say something, but couldn't.

His knees buckled. Rey lunged to catch him around his middle, which turned out to be more complicated than she originally thought. His body was complete dead weight, and she fell to the ground with him, her head hitting hard against the stone. His body forced the air from her lungs. She attempted to shove him off of her, but settled on wiggling out from the side, rubbing the back of her skull.

People gave her and Ben odd glances, but other than that, they went about their business. Rey's brainwaves were tossed into a whirl of frenzy, as she had no idea what to do. The only plan that came to mind was to get them both to safety, wherever that may be.

Her body was already shaking from adrenaline as she stood, trying to grab Ben's arms and drag him anywhere but where they currently were. The innate sense to duck struck her mind and as she did so, a blaster bolt whizzed past her head and hit the cart behind her. That seemed to warrant everyone's attention as chaos ensued. More blaster bolts came at her as she inched Ben's body away from the mayhem.

Her head suddenly snapped in the direction of incoming fire, her mind freezing a blaster bolt mere inches from her face. She glanced past the blue streak of light and saw a woman off in the distance with a rifle pointed directly at her. For a long moment, they stared at each other, stunned by what had just happened. Rey had never commanded the Force to freeze anything, and she was confused as to where she had suddenly gained the knowledge. As she followed the steady stream of intelligence funneling into her mind, she found the source.

 _Ben. I'm getting the information from Ben_. Rey squeezed his forearms, silently thanking him for not being completely unhelpful in his passed out state.

From just a single glance, Rey knew who the woman was and who she was after. _A bounty hunter, hired by the First Order to find Kylo Ren and kill me if at all possible_. It was like her mind downloaded the information from the bounty hunter, and Rey was in awe of the abilities she was absorbing from Ben; let alone the fact that Ben could do these things. What else could he do?

All of these thoughts zipped through Rey's mind in seconds, which was all the bounty hunter needed to regain her composure. The woman was about to fire her weapon as Poe darted through the throngs of panicked people and rammed right into her, sending the woman into the side of a food cart and the rifle scattering across the ground.

Rey saw the opening she needed and continued to drag Ben to the far side of the court, then stopped. What was she going to do with a man she couldn't even carry? She glanced up, seeing Poe wrestling to get his arms around the bounty hunter as she dove for her rifle. The woman was fast, but Poe seemed determined to catch her. Rey had to make a split second decision, and she hoped it was the right one.

She grabbed Ben's lightsaber from the confines of his belt and left him behind on the ground, running right into the middle of the scuffle. Rey kicked the unaware bounty hunter square in the back, causing the woman to hit the ground face first. "Poe! Grab Ben and get him out of here! Ill hold her off and meet you back at the ship." Poe was going to argue, but Rey cut him off. "He's too heavy for me to carry." The bounty hunter rolled onto her feet, eyeing her two opponents and the rifle that was out of reach.

Poe was torn between helping Rey and getting Ben, but in the end, he ran over to the unconscious body and flung the man over his shoulder. The woman darted after the weapon, but Rey grabbed her and tried to wrestle her to the ground. Rey glanced at Ben's limp body on Poe's shoulder as she pinned the woman against the stone, hoping she could give them enough time to flee.

The woman elbowed Rey in the face and pushed her away, frantically looking for her prize. The short joust with the bounty hunter had given Poe enough time to run into an alleyway and disappear around a corner, causing the woman to fume at Rey as she picked up the rifle.

Rey straightened her posture and squared off with the woman. With Ben's lightsaber in her grasp, she ignited it. The absolute terror that etched its way onto the bounty hunters face made Rey feel powerful beyond measure.

Right as Rey was becoming comfortable in the current situation, a dark ripple through the force caused her to look to her right. At one of the street openings stood a figure shrouded in black. His face was hidden behind a dark, checkered mask, his long A-line cloak adding bulk to his figure. Rey's eyes became glued to the sword in his hand as electricity sizzled out to cover the dark blade.

This man was a member of the Knights of Ren, a master swordsman whose talent arguably surpassed that of Ben's. Thankfully, Ben had dueled him before and knew his weak spots.

The knowledge flooded Rey's mind and calmed her fearful soul. As Rey and the knight sized each other up, the bounty hunter took the opportunity to sprint into a street entrance and disappear into the night. Rey contemplated going after her, but didn't want to turn her back on the formidable man.

Rey could feel the rough vibration of Ben's saber as it crackled with the excitement of battle. The knight charged, but halted from the sudden appearance of police flooding into the area. Rey disengaged the lightsaber and took this as a chance to bolt for one of the few open exits available. She didn't have time to see where the knight was as her focus was now on fleeing the officers and the town by any means necessary.

The empty streets revealed that most of the city had received the memo about a fight unfolding, wisely choosing to pile into the shops for safety. Dozens of human and alien eyes followed her as she sprinted past the windows, her legs beating against the stone walkaway and her arms pumping vigorously to accelerate her momentum.

The high duracrete wall that bordered the city came into view, and Rey headed straight for it. The sirens of the security guards rang into the humid air, warning her that they were quickly coming up from behind.

 _Now_.

Rey propelled into the air by focusing her push from her feet and scaled the wall in the matter of seconds. Unfortunately, her landing was less graceful since her mind couldn't think fast enough. She had slowed her fall, but not to the degree that Ben could. Her body toppled across the grass and rolled right into a tree, halting her forward speed. Stunned, she stayed on the ground, using her mind to scan for bodily injury.

There were none.

Rey sprang onto her feet and ran in the general direction of the ship, all the while thinking what other neat little tricks Ben had in his Force repertoire. 

Her satchel banged against her hip, her grip on the saber hilt slipping from sweat as she darted through the trees. She ran through bushes and pushed aside branches, feeling minute scrapes along her revealed upper arms.

Something omnipotent and foul in nature blossomed from the pit of her stomach and climbed all the way up into her mind. It was powerful and malevolent and it was trying to dig its wicked tendrils into her psyche. Rey kept running, focusing on keeping the monster at bay. Her mind couldn't process who was behind this feeling and keep them out at the same time, but the impression was familiar. Her anger, impatience and rage that had threatened her spirit throughout the day stemmed from this very being trying to take ahold of her.

Abruptly, her footing gave way and her cheek slid across the grass as the Force dragged her backward. She cut the connection off and spun to see the knight with his hand stretched out in her direction. He wasted no time in coming at her, and she ignited Ben's saber just in time to parry the onslaught of attacks. She could feel the heat emanating from the cross guard, and she wondered how Ben fought with the thing without cutting his hand off.

Rey struggled to extract the knowledge of how to use the crossguarded lightsaber while at the same time, trying to keep the pressure from clasping down on her mind. The knight was not as strong as Ben, nor was his stature as big, but he made up for it in precision.

Rey spun as she pivoted out of his advance and went on the offensive. She swung the saber in the air, spinning her body with it to gain more speed behind the strike. The knight backed against a tree and ducked away from her meticulous blow, causing her to cut through the wood and send it toppling to the ground.

Her head was pounding from the ongoing pressure, warning bells sounding off that she needed to get away from this man and back on the ship as fast as possible. Instead of aiming for the knight's upper body, she kept her strikes low since she knew the knight didn't train as much in blocking his legs. Well, technically, Ben was the one who knew that; she was just borrowing the information.

The saber swept at his thighs, barley skimming the surface of his skin. The knight hissed and immediately away, but Rey needed him completely out of the equation. Her arm shot out, and before the knight had a chance to block her, the immense push sent him flying over the tree line and into the far off distance.

Rey clipped Ben's saber to her belt and cradled her head as black streaks laced her vision. Rey's feet were taking her in what she thought was the direction of the ship, but she couldn't be sure. The sound of an engine echoed across the trees. She stopped, listening to it got closer. Her eyes squinted in the darkness, noticing a speeder on the trail up ahead.

Rey cried when she saw who was in the driver seat. "Poe!" The yell caused her head to explode, taking her breath away and making her fall to her knees. Her eyes felt like they were going to shoot out of their sockets, the pressure finally became too much to resist. One second, she was falling onto the grass and the next, she was standing in a place teeming of macabre colors of an ethereal nature, not knowing where to run to.

She became a hopeless wonderer in the sea of dread, but no matter what direction she walked, the violent shades didn't stop. A voice cut through the unknown place, sounding old and foreboding. "You'll die in this place, scavenger. Kylo Ren cannot hide you from me any longer. And once your body rots in the ground, he will return to me, complete and seeking my guidance." Rey covered her ears and squeezed her eyes shut, but she could still hear the insidious voice as clear as if it spoke right beside her. "I've been with him since he was in the womb, coaxing him into my perfect weapon. The power he possesses belongs to me, and the worthless desert rat that you are will not take my most valuable asset away from me."

Rey opened her eyes and desperately tried to run from the voice that clung to her awareness. "You do not know the depths of his depravity, the lengths he has scaled to manipulate the Force like no one before him has ever done. You will not cause his talent to go to waste." Rey was panting as she circled around, trying to find anything to stop the voice from speaking to her.

Nothing but color came into view. With hope now seeming to be nowhere in sight, she sank to her knees. "Ben is no longer your student," she whispered. A slick laugh came from the creature. Rey shivered from its vileness.

"Stupid girl. Kylo Ren has never been my student, but has always been my slave. Ben Solo is gone." A brilliant beam of energy exploded, causing the indecipherable hues to dissipate and Rey to cover her eyes. The monster hissed as it retreated into the depths, but Rey could still feel it simmering below.

Darkness, unlike any she had ever experienced, enveloped her.

"Rey," a calming voice whispered. It was the voice from the island, the young girl who had spoken to her. The one Rey had searched for, but couldn't find. "I've cast Snoke out, but his presence still remains. You must hold on, dear one."

"Please," Rey's voice croaked. "Help me."

"I cannot help you further, or he will find me. If that happens, you will be the one he seeks above all others. The need for your death will be as unrelenting as the Dark side that corrupts his soul." Rey couldn't stop from shaking, for she was afraid to stay in this black hole alone. She was a child again, wishing for her family to come rescue her from this nightmare.

"Ben will find you, Rey. You must hold onto your hope. He will not let you wither away in this abyss, nor will he ever forsake you to damnation." Rey curled into a small ball on the ground, or did this place even have a ground to lay on? Was she just floating or falling deeper into despair? Nothing made sense in this place, but she kept running the girls words through her thoughts.

She held onto the belief that Ben would come for her as she felt her light dwindle away and the darkness robbed her of all her senses.


	21. It's a Stretch, But Do You Have Any Friends?

Poe ran back to where they left the speeder, feeling Ren's weight compound onto his knees. They guy was _heavy_. And broad. And a lot. On top of carrying a durasteel house on his shoulder, the general populace was either running into the shops or making their way toward the city exit, causing traffic. 

He threw Ren into the passenger seat and hopped behind the controls. "Shit," Poe clipped out. The speeder required a passcode. His fingers twitched over the numerical pad as he thought back to when he had watched Ren enter in the string of numbers. It took Poe three attempts, but he eventually punched in the right sequence and the engine came to life.

Yelling at the chaotic crowd, he backed up and swerved between the pedestrians. His patience was wearing thin, driving him to seriously consider hitting the civilians. He held it together, finally making it through the gates with his conscience intact.

Poe took the same route back, every so often glancing at Ren to see if he was waking up or not. No such luck. The guy was completely out and useless at the worst possible time.

The more distant he put between him and the city, the more Poe worried about leaving Rey behind. But he knew switching goals had been the right call. Rey was strong and she sure could fight, but there was no way she could have gotten Ren out of there. Hell, even he had had a difficult time carrying the dead weight to the speeder.

 _Drop Ren off at the ship. Go back for Rey_ , Poe thought. _Wherever she might be._

He made it back to the ship without difficulty and proceeded to lug Ren up the ramp and into the cargo bay. He stared at the ladder, knowing full well that there was no way he could climb that with Ren on his shoulders. The body would for sure slip from his grasp and fall to the floor, maybe causing a serious injury to Ren's cranium. 

_One second thought, maybe a few blows to the head would cure the guy of being a psychopath_. But Poe knew that if he caused intentional harm to the prick, Rey would be pissed.

He groaned out his annoyance and thought of a different way up. He recalled seeing a lifting ramp off to the right and what do you know, it was indeed there.

Poe stepped onto the platform and initiated the lift mechanism, immediately realizing why it was never used. The ramp creaked and groaned and tortuously slow. Poe wondered if they were going to make it to the top before the coming of a new year.

Sparks flew next to his head as a barrage of fire fled into the cargo bay. Poe flattened onto the platform, taking his pistol out to return fire. The bounty hunter from the city was leaning in from the outside of the ship, trying to get a good shot. Poe decided he wouldn't give her the chance.

He held his finger on the trigger, making the woman hide behind the ship as Poe hopped down onto the cargo bay floor. He twisted around the corner and pushed her rifle up into the air just as it fired. The woman kicked him directly in the groin and rifle whipped him across the face, sending him to the ground. Poe stared down the barrel of the weapon and waited for the end, but it never came. The woman cursed at her malfunctioning rifle, but seemed content into repurposing it into a bludgeoning weapon.

After two strikes to the stomach, Poe grasped onto the barrel and pulled the woman to the ground. They started to wrestle for dominance, Poe finding it difficult to get his arms around her agile body so he could knock her out. The bounty hunter swung onto his back and wrapped a thin rope around his neck, pulling back to restrict his breathing.

Poe lifted them off the ground and rammed backward into the side of the ship, but the woman did not budge. Her feet were hooked around his middle and her strength was not letting up. He tried grabbing her head behind him, but she was leaning away from his reach.

Poe remembered the small utility knife he always kept on him in case he needed to fix or tinker something on his X-Wing. His hand dipped into his pocket and he unsheathed the thin blade. The burning in his lungs was becoming unbearable and he needed to do this before he passed out.

With the last of his strength and desperation, he rammed the woman against the side of the ship again, causing her head to snap forward to his right. With his left hand, he grabbed a fistful of her hair to keep her in place and then jabbed the knife into her neck, one, two, three.

The pressure on his neck disappeared. Poe gasped for air and fell to the ground, rubbing his tender neck. He pivoted around, eyeing the bounty hunter. Blood was gushing from between her fingers as she futilely tried to stop the bleeding. Horror showed in her eyes as she realized she was going to die, and Poe's wide gaze found it impossible to look away. He listened to her choke on her own blood and watched as the woman violently drifted off, until there was no life behind the pupils that pierced him.

Everything had unfolded so fast that the only mission in his thoughts had been all about survival. He'd won and he had killed his opponent, but his mind couldn't wrap his head around how brutal a death he had personally inflicted onto someone. He's never killed a person like that before - let alone a woman - and he could feel himself on the brink of drowning under a sea of self-loathing.

Somewhere off to his right, he heard the loud thump of a tree falling in the forest. 

_Rey_.

He needed to pull himself together and find her.

Poe jumped into the speeder and went in the direction of the noise. After winding through the trees, he came upon a dirt road that made navigation go more smoothly.

"Poe!"

He hit the brakes and looked to his left. He could faintly see Rey's outline as she grabbed her head and fell to the ground. Poe ran through the trees, kneeling at Rey's side to inspect what was wrong with her. Her body didn't seem to have any injuries. But she was out like a light.

_What the hell is going on? Why is everyone dropping unconscious?  
_

Poe was now in full panic mode as he realized both Rey and Ren were down for the count. He needed to get them out of here, preferably with everyone alive. Always a good goal to have.

Back at the ship, Poe maneuvered both Rey and Ren into the cockpit, having both their bodies lay next to each other on the floor behind the seats. The engines came to life and Poe was about to chart a course for the Resistance base, but paused. If they went back, Ren would definitely be locked away and put on trial for his war crimes. There was no doubt the guy would be executed... but Poe wasn't sure if that was the right call to make anymore. Poe had a gut feeling that something very important was going on between Rey and Ren. He wasn't Force sensitive, but he didn't need it to have a good sense of intuition and right now, it was telling him not to go back to the base.

Poe cursed and proceeded to scan the area for the next closest planet they could hide on. He lifted the ship into the air, deciding to shoot directly up into the planet's atmosphere. Deep groans were came from behind. Poe glanced over his shoulder to see Ren rubbing his head and trying to open his eyes.

_Great. Now he wakes up._

Upon exiting the atmosphere, a First Order Star Destroyer came out of hyperspace, but Poe was already activating the hyperdrive before any shots were fired. He put the rest of the ship on low power mode to save fuel and then braced himself for a very groggy and moody Kylo Ren.

()()()()()

Ren's back was lying against something cold and hard and unfamiliar. He brought his heavy hands up to his face, tried to talk, but all he could get out of his mouth was a long groan. His head was dizzy and he felt extremely nauseous as he remembered the events leading up to his blackout.

"Rey!" he yelled out. He darted upright and immediately regretted it. Blood rushed out of his head and vomit climbed his esophagus as he closed his eyes to center himself. Hands grasped the sides of his arms to help him sit up and not fall over.

"You might want to take it easy for a bit," Poe told him. Ren opened his eyes and glared at the man, making him release his grip and sit back against the rear of the seat. Poe's line of sight fell onto the floor next to Ren. He followed it to discover Rey unconscious on the floor.

"No, no, no..." Ren grabbed her by the shoulders, bringing her head up to cradle against his chest. He placed her across his lap, holding her as if she were a small child. Poe looked at him curiously. Ren didn't care. Let him stare.

Ren gazed at her longingly. The moment reminded him of when he had cradled her aboard his command shuttle after Takodana. A fresh scent wafted into his nose and he quickly realized it was coming from her braided hair. 

Her features were peaceful and she could be mistaken for being in a deep sleep, but Ren knew better. The Dark side surrounded her mind, preventing Ren from delving inside. Ren was all too familiar with the dark signature. This was his master's doing. Rey had felt differently to him all day, and the reason why had been so obvious that Ren scolded himself for not seeing it sooner.

Their connection. Snoke had used it to get to her. Ren hadn't even noticed.

"Is she going to be okay?"Poe asked. "She doesn't seem to be hurt, but she won't wake up."

Ren pounded against the shadowy barrier, finding that he was not strong enough to break through. Snoke had done something similar to him in his early days of training, to test if his apprentice could escape the heavy mind lock. Ren had been unconscious for two days before creating a way out. He'd been so weak upon waking, two stormtroopers had to help him back to his room. He'd never known thirst or hunger like that before.

Poe let out an impatient breath. "Do you know what's wrong with her?" 

Ren leaned his head against the metal wall, keeping his wide palm on Rey's cheek. "She's trapped within her own mind."

Poe's countenance took on a pinch bewilderment. "Can't you go in there and get her out or something?"

"No. The barrier is already embedded too deep."

Poe blinked, trying to understand the situation. "Okay... so she needs to find a way out on her own, then."

Ren shook his head. "She won't know how to do that." He needed to figure out a way to fix this, but all the ideas that came to mind wouldn't work.

"So... what?" Poe's pitch rose out of frustration. "You're just going to leave her like this? You're not going to do anything?"

"No." Ren snapped at the insolent man. "I'm trying to think of a way to help her. Maybe if you quit talking, I could concentrate."

Poe glowered at Ren. "Maybe if you let me in on what exactly is going on, I could help."

He scoffed at the idea. "If I'm having trouble thinking of a solution, I doubt you'll be able to come up with one either."

Poe leaned forward as his face scrunched up in anger. "Look man, I think I've been more than patient with all this mumbo-jumbo Force crap and not knowing exactly what's going on between the two of you, which merits some give and take here." Ren remained silent as Poe's frustration escalated. "You don't want to tell me the specifics, fine. But at least let me try and help you with whatever the fuck this–" he motioned at Rey "–is. I think we can both agree that neither of us want to see her get hurt."

Ren was tired, tired from the drugs in the dart. So tired that he was seriously considering what Poe had just proposed. The man knew little about the Force, but he wasn't an idiot. 

Ren took a deep breath. "I'm not strong enough to get through the block around her mind." Admitting to the pilot that he was too weak to rectify the situation made him feel uneasy.

Poe looked at Ren intently and slowly shook his head. "So even you have your limits?"

Ren gave the pilot a flat stare. "Everyone has their limits, but these drugs aren't helping me regain my strength any faster."

Poe rubbed his chin as he concentrated. "Okay… Is there anyone you know who could help her? An ally or, and I know this is a stretch, a friend?"

One name came to mind. "Skywalker. Possibly. I don't know," Ren stated quietly as he looked up at the ceiling.

"I can reroute us to the base if that is what you want to do."

Ren glanced at the pilot, perplexed. "We aren't headed there now?"

The pilot shrugged. "I was tempted, but I do trust Rey and... a gut feeling told me not to." Ren was shocked that Poe didn't take the chance to go back to the base. Before he could stop it, his respect and trust in the man grew a little bit more. "Finding your uncle should probably be our last option, though." Ren nodded in agreement. "Is there any way you could, I don't know, get more power from somewhere?"

"I could take Force energy from someone who's strong in the Force."

"Okay... but there's not many of those around anymore. Skywalker's school–" Poe paused, realizing what he was about to say. "Well, it isn't around anymore... which you'd know."

Ren almost laughed at the irony. By slaughtering the students at the academy, he had damned the only person he would ever genuinely care about. Force sensitives were rare, and the ones Ren knew had all been at the school.

"Too bad you don't have any cousins or close family friends who– " 

"Maz," Ren stated, mouth slacking in shock. 

Poe arched a brow upon hearing the name. "Who?" Ren locked eyes with the pilot. "Wait, the little pirate lady who ran the cantina on Takodana? The bar that _you_ destroyed?"

"I didn't exactly order Maz's castle to be destroyed."

"I bet you didn't try to stop it either."

True.

"You think she'll help?" Ren asked.

"Honestly, if you destroyed my livelihood, I wouldn't even be open to hearing what you had to say."

Ren sifted a trembling hand through his hair. "That's not the only reason she would refuse. Her and–" he took a deep breath of pause "–Han Solo were friends."

Realization formed on Poe's face. "Please tell me you're kidding."

"Nope."

"Well… not many people know about what actually happened on Starkiller base."

Ren waited for Poe to elaborate, but it seemed he needed a nudge. "What do you mean?"

Poe shifted on the cockpit floor, bringing his legs halfway up to his chest and resting his forearms on his knees. "Only a handful of people know how Han really died. Before General Organa had sworn us to secrecy, I found out the truth from Rey as we sat by Finn when he was in a coma. So, as far as I'm aware, the only people who know the truth is Finn, Rey, Chewie, Skywalker, Admiral Statura, your mother, and me. Oh, and Doctor Kalonia."

Upon hearing Harter's name, Ren's thoughts were instantly propelled back to his life as Ben Solo. A time where he'd been young and full of dreams. After school, he would stop by Harter's clinic and bombard her with so many questions about medicine that it perplexed him to this day how it never annoyed her. She always answered all of his inquiries with patience. Would even let him sit in on the surgeries she would perform. They would talk about the age-old argument of whether a human surgeon was better than the robotic ones and they always agreed that nothing could rival the efficiency of the human touch. He had always looked up to Dr. Kalonia and secretly, he had always wished that Harter had been his mother.

Ren tossed the sentimental memories aside and focused on the fact that only a handful of people new the truth about Han's death. But Maz didn't need the word of mouth to know what had happened. "Maz will know about Han's death through the Force. It won't matter who knows or who doesn't. She'll probably try to kill me if she ever sees me again."

Poe shrugged. "How about we beg her to hold off on trying to kill you until after we figure out how to wake Rey." Ren's eyes pinched at Poe. "Hey, its either Maz or Skywalker. Take your pick or I will." 

In the end, the decision wasn't a difficult one to make.

Poe rerouted them to Takodana as Ren carried Rey to his quarters, gently placing her on his bed. He knelt beside her and took her hand into his. His saber was attached to her belt, which confused him. Hopefully, Rey would be able to explain to him how she came in possession of it. He took the saber hilt and clasped it back to his side.

No matter how hard Ren concentrated or how much of his strength he put behind his push, the barrier wouldn't budge. If he couldn't get inside her mind, her body would eventually crack under the immense pressure, causing her heart to give out. He could already sense her getting weaker.

Poe entered the room, placing something next to Ren on the floor. It was a glass of water, dehydrated meat, and some packets of rations. He glanced over his shoulder to see the pilot sit against the wall by the door, eating his own portion of food he'd brought for himself.

Ren settled himself on the floor, relishing in the glass of water and starting on the rations. Poe was watching him, and Ren nodded his head in silent gratitude because there was no way he was actually going to say the words "thank you" to the guy.

"How did you get taken out back in the city?" Poe asked in between bites.

"A Lecepanine dart." Ren had recognized the sophisticated weapon in his palm before he passed out. Someone had gone to great lengths to make sure he was incapacitated since Lecepanine darts were a rare commodity.

Poe pounded his chest as he tried not to choke on his mouthful of food. "And you're already conscious? That should have knocked you out for a full day."

"There are ways around it." _If you're Force sensitive._

Poe took a few more bites of his rations as the ship hummed in hyperspace. Ren was comfortable with the silence, but he knew the pilot didn't like it as much. "You know what you're doing to Rey is selfish, right? Having her stay with you?" Ren stopped eating and gulped down what remained in his mouth. Selfish was a strong word, especially since Rey was the one who asked him to leave with her.

Ren leaned against the bed as he crossed his legs in front of him. "She made the decision to stay. I never asked her."

Poe's eyebrow's shot up. "You never stopped her either, which you should. Exactly what is your plan here? You and Rey gonna go live somewhere remote and forget what's happening to the galaxy? What you caused to happen?" The air grew tense as the two men stared at one another. Ren never put much thought into what was the next step for him and Rey, mostly because he knew what he wanted he could never have. Deep down, he always knew he would never be able to outrun Snoke for very long. Pretending over the past few days that he could had been one of the greatest lies he had ever told himself.

Poe laughed into the still air as he measured Ren's annoyed face. "You have absolutely no idea what you're doing, do you?" The silence confirmed what Poe had suspected. "Wow."

Ren's irritation finally snapped. "And what exactly should I do, huh?" His voice was harsh as his control tipped over his threshold of self-control. "What would you do if you were in my situation? I can't return to the First Order since I'm now a traitor. Sure, Snoke won't kill me, but he'll put me through so much torture, I won't even know who I am anymore. I already lived through that kind of training years ago and I have no intention of going through that again. Ever. I can't...." 

The pilot remained still, bracing himself in case Ren's anger turned physical.

"Oh," Ren continued, "but you probably want to bring up how I can go to the Resistance, like those people would actually strike a deal with me. I _know_ you know I would be executed. There's no way you're daft enough to think otherwise. And, yeah, I probably do deserve capital punishment according to Resistance standards, but I won't be the only person to die at my execution."

Poe cocked his head at the unusual declaration. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Ren rolled his eyes, glancing at the ceiling. "You want to know what's going on between Rey and I?" Ren knew he should keep his mouth shut, but he had this innate need for the pilot to understand just a sliver of what was going on. He was getting pretty fed up with hearing Poe complain every five minutes that he was lost.

"We're bonded through the Force," Ren said, tone becoming soft. "It's a connection so deep and profound, that if one of us dies, the person left standing would be a fraction of who they were before." Ren sighed, shaking his head. "Up until now, I didn't put much thought into my own mortality. If I were to die in some battle or by being stabbed in the back by one of my knights, well, at least the hell I've been living the last twenty-nine years would be over. But now... I have to worry about what would happen to Rey if I'm gone... and that concern is suffocating."

It took a few moments for Poe to collect himself before speaking. "You're not concerned with what will happen to you if she dies?"

Kylo scoffed at the ridiculousness of the question. "I'm already fucking unhinged; I don't see how much worse I could become." Ren wiped his face, trying to calm his rattled demeanor. Opening up to people was... difficult. There was a slight tinge of embarrassment from doing so with Poe, but he still wanted the man to answer his question. "So tell me, pilot, what would you do if you were in my situation?" Poe's eyes roamed around the room as he could find the answer written on the walls. The ships vibrations filled the room as Ren waited for Poe's reply.

Poe shook his head out of exasperation. "I don't know, man. The connection you have with Rey complicates things."

"Yes. It does. It-." Ren's spine straightened as he felt an insidious tingle shoot up his spine. He turned to see a single tear streak down Rey's temple, but her face remained void of emotion. The viper within her was poisoning her blood, and Ren could smell the stench of evil starting to seep through her pores. If this goes on for too long, he won't be able to help her... no matter how much power he took from Maz.

"What was that?" Poe whispered.

Ren spun around to stare at the pilot in surprise. "You felt that?"

Poe stood up, glancing at Rey in fear. "Did that come from her?" He walked over and stooped down to study Rey's face.

"The barrier is rooting itself deeper," Ren explained. "It'll make it harder for me to get her out of there."

"Who did this to her?"

"Snoke. He used the connection we have to find her. The drugs I was under made it so I couldn't shield her. I mean, I didn't even know I was protecting her from him, but since I've been shielding myself, I must have also been shielding Rey without knowing. Once I was knocked out, Snoke saw an opening and he took it." 

"Is this what the bastard always feels like?" Poe was glaring straight at Rey, but Ren knew the hard look wasn't for her.

"You're only getting a small sense of it, but yes."

"I don't understand how you can be around such a creature."

To Ren, feeling this sense of hopelessness was all too familiar and he was used to it by now. But for Poe, he had clearly never felt such darkness.

"I have felt this my whole life. It doesn't affect me anymore." Poe's eyes grew large in disbelief, but didn't ask Ren to elaborate further. He could tell Poe wanted to leave the room, but the man stayed out of duty to watch over Rey.

The emotions littering the living quarters made the pilot suddenly think of a recent memory, one that even surprised Ren of it contents.

"You killed a woman," Ren said, shuffling through the surface of Poe's thoughts. "Just before we left Spira." Color drained from Poe's face and he looked away, ashamed of what he had done. "The bounty hunter was going to kill you. You shouldn't feel shame or guilt."

Poe's throat bobbed up and down as he swallowed, remembering the feeling of stabbing the woman's neck. His blade had been dull and he could feel the woman's skin breaking as the knife damned her to her fate. "I've never killed a person like that before."

"As long as the person dies, how you do it really doesn't matter."

Poe shot Ren a look he was all too familiar with: disgust. "I watched her suffer as she died. People shouldn't die that way…"

Ren arched a brow as he realized he used to believe the same as him.

A thought spilled into his mind that was not his own, but belonged to Poe. "You've never killed a woman before?" Ren asked. Poe's fists tightened in his lap as he focused his attention back on Rey's face. "Gender shouldn't be a factor when someone is trying to kill you. Sooner or later, you get used to taking the lives of others." 

"I don't want to get used to it." The pilot didn't seem to realize how he was a walking contradiction. He had had no problems with shooting down tie fighters and blowing up Starkiller base, causing the deaths of thousands of people. But he had one fight with a female bounty hunter and that was when he started to unravel and think of his morals? Ren wasn't very fond of people with double standards.

"You either kill people indiscriminately, or you abstain from it," Ren told him. "There is no middle."

"Yeah, you would say something like that. But I guess you're used to it, aren't you," Poe stated more than questioned as he turned his head to measure Ren's expression. "You mocked Lor San Tekka before killing him, and then ordered the whole village to be massacred." Ren didn't know what response the pilot was hoping for, but if he wanted to get into a fight, he was heading in the right direction. "How could a decision like that come so easily to you? Why did you do it?"

Ren considered his answer carefully, but no matter what he ended up saying, Poe was not going to like it. He always prided himself for his honesty, so that was exactly what he was going to give the man. "That village was secretly affiliated with the Church of the Force, an extremist organization that believed in the ideals of the Jedi and the hopeful return of their power. I was tasked to never allow the Jedi to thrive, so the people there needed to die, causing any knowledge they held of the Light side of the Force to perish with them. They were also harboring a fugitive I'd been after for quite some time. They broke the law." Ren had faltered before giving the order to kill all the villagers, but he knew that they would die later on after they all were arrested anyway. It was better to not let them wait for death, but to get it over with. In his mind, he'd been merciful.

Poe's face was turning red, and Ren could sense the guy struggling to hold back his fists. "The law according to you. The New Republic didn't view their existence as being illegal."

"The New Republic didn't have much dominion over the galaxy then. The First Order had more recognition of being the true law and order of the galaxy. Their laws are what I follow." 

Poe crossed his arms over his chest to keep himself from doing something foolish. "And what of Lor San Tekka? He was important enough to bring in for questioning, but you killed him anyway. Didn't seem like a sensible move."

Ren ran his hand through his hair, remembering his err in judgment when he had killed the old man. San Tekka had more than likely seen the map, but Ren's anger over his lineage being brought into the conversation made him think irrationally. "That had been… personal."

"So does that make the slaughtering of men and women just "business" to you?"

"That's the business I'm in, so yes. That is what it is to me."

Poe studied Ren's complacent expression like he was searching for something. "No. No... there's no way that murdering and torturing people doesn't bother you anymore. If it didn't, Rey would be dead. You left the First Order for her, the very organization you idolize. And because of that, there has to be a sliver of your humanity somewhere behind your screwed up ideals."

Well… that caught Ren off guard.

Poe stood, shaking his shoulders as if he could just brush off the insightful conversation they just had. "I'm gonna wash up and get some rest. You should do the same, while you still can." The pilot strode out of the room, not looking back at the monster he left behind.

Ren sat on the floor for a little longer, feeling numb as his thoughts cycled through everything that had happened over the last four days and the chat he had with Poe. It was all too much to process. Granted, he had the time to evaluate it all, but he couldn't will himself to do so.

_Later. I'll think about it later once Rey is awake and well.  
_

Poe was right about one thing: he should get as much rest as possible before reaching Takodana. He crawled over Rey and situated himself next to her. He was crammed against the metal wall as he tried to give her as much space as possible. But the need to touch her was too much. He interlaced his fingers with hers in an effort to comfort her, which was trivial since she was unaware of her outside surroundings. In the end, the touch was probably more for his benefit than it was for hers. Maybe... maybe he needed support, some consolation that everything was going to be okay.

He studied the freckles on her face, the elegant curve of her lips as he drifted off to sleep….

"Ren," a voice whispered. A hand on his shoulder nudged him back and forth. "Ren." His eyes fluttered opened. Poe was leaning down into the bunk, staring at him intently. "We're here." The pilot inquisitively glanced down at Ren's hand that was interlocked with Rey's, but didn't say anything. "How is she?"

Ren rubbed the grogginess from his eyes and then placed his free hand on Rey's face, cupping her cheek. More of his strength had returned while he slumbered, allowing him to focus on Rey's well being with more precision. Ren's heart sunk through the ship. Rey's state had worsened over the span of a few hours. Her lips were void of color and her heartbeat was erratic, her body trying to work off a disease that was more mental than it was physical. She was in a suspended state of torture and Ren could sense her body starting to shut down.

Ren shook his head. Poe sighed, knowing they were running out of time.

Ren climbed out of the bunk and scooped Rey into his arms, holding on tighter than necessary. He walked out of his quarters, making his way to the cargo bay.

"I saw Maz walking toward the ship before I came to get you," Poe said. Ren's steps faltered, but he quickly regained his stride. He was really going to do this – he was going to confront Maz Kanata, one of Han Solo's longest friends.

Leaping over the bars of the over hang, Ren slowed his descent to land softly on the hard floor. Before he questioned his decision, he commanded the ramp to lower. Light flooded into the cargo bay and he could see the blue sky behind the numerous green trees that littered the landscape. The ramp hit the ground with a thud, revealing the obliterated fragments of the once peaceful castle, but Ren's eyes didn't roam over it for long. Right in the middle of the wreckage stood a small woman with large circular glasses and orange skin. Maz's glare was fixed on Ren, her animosity for him more than palpable.

With a deep breath and a sturdy resolve, Ren ambled down the ramp and headed straight for her.


	22. A Web Can Be Untangled

Hux tapped his thumbs together while his clasped hands rested on the sleek, circular table. The small chamber's air was cold and still, but the rambling of the hologram projections gave life to the taciturn atmosphere. Each projection showed a face at a spot above the table, the faces of the High Command of the First Order. It was an organization that was not widely known of, but still held formidable power behind a lot of the Order's tactical decisions.

Some of the members were from the days of the Empire, which made them old and jaded in the eyes of General Hux. While he idolized the Empire and all that it stood for, certain ways it had been operated had not been full-proof, evidenced by Darth Vader's betrayal and the progression of the Rebellion as being a formidable opponent in the end.

Hux stared at the has-beens with animosity, for they were the ones who lost the battle at Jakku and caused the remnants of the Empire to go into hiding. His father, Brendol, was giving a weekly report on the current operations of the stormtrooper program. It was all mostly the same drabble week to week: more children taken, the curriculum being polished, and the 'accidental' death toll for that week. He was sure his father just killed off the weakling children, making it appear to be nothing more than a mishap. When Armitage had overseen the school, he had the feeble younglings executed outright, never trying to hide the fact that he ordered it. His father, though, always preferred anonymity.

As long as the strong survived and Hux had more than capable soldiers at his command, Brendol could keep with his ways. Besides, someone had to directly overlook the program, and since Armitage had been promoted to General, he was too busy fighting the Resistance. Fortunately, at the end of the day, Brendol still answered to his son, and that gave Armitage immense satisfaction in his highly ranked status.

Even with his father producing sufficient soldiers, Hux still detested the man. _Why can't he just die already_. Brendol hadn't been looking good for some time now, and the cough that currently plagued him just kept getting worse. The white hair, sun spotted skin, and bumpy nose was not appealing to stare at, and Hux wished for natural selection to take its course and for his father to finally die of old age. Someone else was always eagerly awaiting their turn at greatness, so Hux knew finding a replacement for his father would not be difficult. If the Supreme Leader hadn't been the one to appoint his father over the program, Armitage would have booted him out long ago.

"What is the current status on locating Kylo Ren?" Admiral Rae Sloane – a dark skinned, hard eyed woman that spoke with more direction than tact – pointed her question at General Hux.

The Finalizer was still hovering over Spira, and all the High Command members had been informed of what had transpired at the city of Khalon through Cato Ren's report.

Hux's annoyance rose at Sloane's redundant inquiry. The last thing he wanted to discuss was how Ren and the scavenger rat had slipped past them. He'd already received a rather unpleasant lecture about it from the Supreme Leader.

"You know we have all our resources searching for the traitor. Nothing has changed since you've received your report, Admiral Sloane. Leave the hunt for Kylo Ren to me." Hux shut the admiral down and turned his attention to an unusually quiet Carise Sindian. "Carise, what is the status on the Centrist planets joining the First Order?"

Carise had been tasked with persuading certain systems to join the new government. So far, she had snagged a few, but Hux was needing the numbers to be higher. By conversing with the leaders of a certain planet, it gave off the impression that they still had some semblance of control over their world, when in reality, they did not. If they outright refused to give their allegiance, then Hux would take it by force.

Carise's face was smooth and refined as she gave her sophisticated smile to a group of people who did not care so much for fake pleasantries. "Hevurion has agreed to align themselves with the First Order, but... Coruscant is being difficult. They want to negotiate a neutrality deal during this whole conflict with the Resistance, which I keep telling them is not possible. They were close to joining, but with the destruction of Starkiller, they've grown comfortable with staying on the sidelines. We might have to just take the planet through military means."

Various members offered their opinions on how to handle the Core World planet, but Hux remained silent. Unleashing his troopers onto the world was of no consequence to him and he knew that with Coruscant, a military takeover was probably how it was going to go.

No... Hux was studying Carise's poised expression and well-mannered demeanor. From growing up together, Armitage knew how to tell if Carise was hiding something. She never was good at trying to hide her defiance behind the faux facade of cooperation.

"Admiral Sloane." Hux interrupted the group. "You will aid Carise in gaining the loyalties of the Core Worlds. We need all of them to join the First Order, not just a few."

"But General –"

"Is there a problem, Carise?" All evidence of propriety disappeared from her face as her holoprojection gave Hux a fiery stare. After a few short moments, Carise conceded to Hux's direct order. Luckily, Sloane kept her mouth shut on the matter.

A message dinged on his datapad and he tore his eyes from Carise to glance down, seeing that it was from Lieutenant Mitaka. Cato, the Knight of Ren that been on Khalon, was done speaking with the Supreme Leader and was ready to see him.

Hux stood and straightened his uniform. "We'll reconvene this meeting tomorrow. If any of you fail in your assignments, you answer to Supreme Leader Snoke. Remember that." He grabbed the datapad and exited the room with his head held high.

As he walked through the sleek hallways, his thoughts were propelled back to when he had spoken to the Supreme Leader after the loss of Starkiller base. Hux had been fully prepared to be executed for his short comings in defending the weapon, and had been shocked to find he was still breathing after the long lecture. Hux chalked up Leader Snoke's mercy to the secret weapon on Jakku, for if Starkiller had been the only weapon in their arsenal, his body would have been drifting off into space by now.

_At least that tree has been destroyed. Supreme Leader seemed to have been satisfied with that news._

He walked into a small meeting room, the door closing behind him as he clasped his hands behind his back. Cato was sporting the usual dead expression the man loved to wear. While the knight was shorter than Hux, he had a considerable amount of bulk and muscle for being middle aged. The dark hair and olive toned skin was starting to wrinkle and sag and Hux wondered how much longer Cato could keep fighting at peak performance.

Hux kept his voice low, but harsh. "You told me that you'd find Ren quickly and dispose of him."

Hux rarely ever meddled in the affairs of the Knights of Ren, but their goals seemed to have aligned recently and Hux decided to capitalize on their disdain for their master. He knew having Ren killed went directly against Supreme Leader's order, but no one but Hux and the knights seemed to understand how much of a liability the bastard was.

The knight glared at him, but remained still. "I will. The girl was a worthy opponent and took me off guard. Next time, I'll account for her abilities and kill them both."

"Ren is our primary target. Whether the girl lives or dies, it doesn't matter. I don't want you thinking you have a score to settle with her now. Do what you promised, and I will make sure the Supreme Leader puts you at the head of the Knights of Ren."

The knight tensed his eyes. "It's difficult to find him first when you have a myriad of bounty hunters searching for him. If that one hadn't have found them, Ren would be decomposing by now."

"I have to keep up the appearance that I'm trying to apprehend him, not kill him." Seriously, Hux felt like he was lecturing a child when he talked to this man. _Is having one brain cell a prerequisite for joining the Knights of Ren?_

"And when he is dead, how will you explain it to the Supreme Leader?" Cato asked.

"I know how to make a death appear like an accident." _Thanks to Brendol._

Cato took a step closer to the general, trying to come off intimidating, but all it did was annoy Hux further. "If any information comes up, you tell me first before the bounty hunters."

"Yes, I do remember our arrangement." The knight nodded and walked past Hux to exit the tight room.

"Before you go," Hux began to say, the knight halting before reaching the doorway, "I need one of your knights to look into something for me."

Cato gave him a look of disdain. "We don't take orders from you."

Hux ignored his defiance. "This matter could concern you and your efforts in finding Ren." The knight glared, waiting for him to continue. "Have one of them look into Carise Sindian and see what she is up to."

"You want one of us to look into an aristocrat? That would take time away from finding Ren." Technically, Carise was no longer an aristocrat, but he could see why the knight would think so. Hux chose not to correct the man on the matter. He didn't need the conversation to become more tense.

"Carise has a certain… grudge against Leia Organa. I wouldn't put it past her if she were trying to find Ren for her own reasons." The knight furrowed his brow in contemplation before finally accepting Hux's request.

"I'll assign _one_ knight to tail her, but I won't have him following her for long."

"Just a quick search is all I ask." If Carise was playing her own game without his knowledge, Hux would be furious. The last thing he needed was for her to get in the way of his goals.

The knight left when Phasma suddenly appeared in the entryway.

"Sir." Hux could see his partial reflection in her shining armor. "New contraband has been found among the stormtroopers." Hux exhaled, feeling irritated over the insubordination of his inferiors. It wasn't uncommon to find some contraband every now and then, but ever since FN-2187 defected, more of it kept showing up.

"What is it this time?"

"Somehow, one of them was able to stream the HoloNet onto a datapad." That gave Hux pause. Any form of entertainment or ways to connect with anyone outside the First Order was strictly forbidden. The only way to keep the troopers working like a well oiled machine was to not let their minds stray from what they were made to do.

Hux pursed his lips, but kept his voice calm. "Execute all that have been in contact with the datapad."

"Yes sir." Phasma pivoted and left Hux alone with his fuming thoughts. He needed to wrangle in this flagrant disobedience that was spreading among the soldiers before it caught any real traction.

_Maybe making the executions a mandatory viewing will stop them from defying the rules._

()()()()()

Finn sat at a small, square table, his eyes roaming over the white walls and the blaring lights overhead. It had taken longer than he'd expected to get this meeting. He was only allowed to talk to one stormtrooper, but he was still thankful that Admiral Statura pushed the council into clearing this interaction.

Footsteps could be heard outside the door and Finn stood abruptly to greet the prisoner. A woman of dark, brown skin and buzzed black hair walked inside, flanked by two Resistance soldiers. Her facial structure was sharp and distinct, with her full lips and large, brown eyes making her stand out against the plain room. She was still in the standard black clothes every stormtrooper wore beneath their armor, and Finn felt a tinge of annoyance that she hadn't been issued new clothes by now.

"Sit." One of the soldiers pointed at the chair opposite of Finn. The woman eyed it reluctantly. Finn smiled to try and reassure the trooper, but all it seemed to do was confuse her more.

"Please," he implored, "I just want to have a simple conversation with you. That's all." She studied his body language, deeming him to be of no threat after a few seconds of silence. Slowly, she shuffled forward while the cuffs on her wrists and ankles clanged objectively against the movement. "The cuffs are not necessary. You can remove them."

The tall soldier shook his head. "We've been ordered not to." Finn was about to protest, but was cut off. "You have twenty minutes." Both escorts left and locked the door from the outside.

Finn and the woman stood facing each other, and he found it hard not to feel slightly uncomfortable under the woman's hard stare.

"Please, sit." Finn motioned at her chair and led by example by being the first to recline.

The woman followed and took a moment to look around the room, no doubt looking for anything that could be used as a weapon. "You're Sergeant CN-7895, correct?" Her gaze snapped back to his and she nodded in recognition.

"Why did you have you and your platoon surrender to the Resistance on the island?" Finn asked.

Her jaw rolled from side to side as Finn watched her contemplate whether or not to answer. "The First Order retreated and we got caught behind enemy lines. I didn't wish for my trooper's to die, so I ordered them to surrender."

One thing that had always been stressed to Finn as he grew up in the program was that you never surrendered to the enemy. Your loyalty demanded that you die rather than submit.

He furrowed his brows in confusion over witnessing such compassion in another trooper. "You knowingly went against your training to save your comrades," Finn stated.

Something in the statement sparked her anger, and she glared at him as if her stare could kill. "What do you know of my training? You Resistance scum know nothing," she seethed.

"I'm not with the Resistance." Finn paused, mentally scolding himself. "Well, okay, I am now, but I started off as a stormtrooper for the First Order. I recently defected."

The woman's expression changed faster than blaster fire – eyes wide, mouth agape – as she stared at him in wonder. Finn was not expecting that reaction. Whenever anyone from the First Order found out about him being an ex-stormtrooper, they liked to yell the word "traitor" in his general direction. 

"You... you're FN-2187?"

His breath caught in his throat. "I go by Finn now, but that was my stormtrooper designation. How do you know that?"

She leaned forward, examining his face like he was a myth that just came to life right before her eyes. "All the stormtroopers know of you. What you did had spread throughout the ranks in a matter of hours. None of us could believe that a trooper released a prisoner and stole a Tie fighter to escape a Star Destroyer. It's something that should have been impossible."

"Well, I guess I'm proof that it's indeed possible."

"I guess you are." She sat back, shaking her head while her eyes turned down onto the table's surface. "Why did you want to speak with me?"

There were multiple reasons why Finn had wanted this meeting, one of them being to convince the troopers to join the Resistance. But his thoughts were currently darting off in a different direction that was more personal to him. "Do you remember your family?"

"Excuse me?"

Finn knew she heard him, so he kept going with the line of questions that popped into his mind.

"Do you think your parents ever think about? Do they wonder what kind of person you've become?" CN-7895 shifted in her seat, her uneasiness palpable. "When you go to bed at night, have you ever thought of how different your life would have been if the First Order hadn't taken you?" Finn's voice was quiet, but his eyes implored the woman to answer.

Her voice was shaky as she appeared to be frightened by the stream of inquiries. "Why are you asking me these things?"

Finn gulped, trying to hide how emotional he was becoming. He grasped onto the edge of the table, feeling the cold on his fingers. "I can't be the only stormtrooper to have thought these things, to have wondered if my parents wanted me or if they had freely given me to the Order." He took in a strangled breath. "You showed compassion for your soldiers when we were always told surrender was never an option. You went against protocol, knowing that by doing so was treason. In my first battle, I went against direct orders and never fired my weapon to kill innocent people. I have to believe that there are other troopers out there who are like me, and I think from the way you saved your unit, you are."

Finn was close to losing his composure, and he could see the woman struggle to hold back her own. The atmosphere was thick with emotional energy, and both him and CN-7895 were caught in the current. "Please, I need to know if you have ever thought these things. If you have ever wished for a different life than the one you were forced into."

Her arms were resting on the table. Finn was tempted to reach out and grasp them, but he didn't want to frighten her. Her answer was very crucial to his sanity and he could feel the seconds tick by as he waited for her reply.

"Yes," she croaked out. "I've thought about... my family." Finn exhaled and brushed his face in relief. He wanted to hug the woman for validating that he wasn't alone, nor was he crazy. "But what does that matter? My life and the lives of my comrades are over. We're to rot away in prison for doing what we were ordered to do."

His head shook in disagreement. "How you feel matters, more than you know. You want a new life? You want to have the freedom you've only ever dreamed of? The Resistance can give that to you... if you join them."

She scoffed at his proposition. "I would just be trading in my First Order pauldron to be a soldier under a different cause. I would hardly call that freedom."

"True, you would be required to fight for the Resistance, but when they win, you can be whoever you want to be. You wouldn't have to stay in the military if you didn't want to."

"When they win? You mean if, and it's a very big IF. The First Order's resources are enormous; there's no way the Resistance can match their firepower. In the end, we're all going to end up dead."

This woman was blunt, but not entirely wrong. There was a possibility of the First Order winning the war, but Finn liked to remain optimistic about his future. "Well, you can either go back to the First Order right now and be executed, or you can breathe a little while longer with the Resistance. We have no other choice but to fight for what we want, and what I want is a long and happy life that has no attachments to oppression. I can't get that from the First Order, so I'm going to do everything I can to help the Resistance win. And I want you there with me."

She lifted a brow in curiosity.

"No on here understands the First Order like you and I do," Finn continued. "We can help them end this war. And really… what other choice is there?" She clenched her jaw as she realized the truth behind Finn's words. It was either death or living. In the end, one was easier to choose over the other.

She dragged her hands off the table and into her lap. Slowly, she nodded her head. "But I don't want to be known as CN-7895 anymore."

Finn took that as her agreeing to be with the Resistance. "Okay. Is there a different name you would like to go by?"

"Breaala," she replied quickly. "I, uh, think it was my mother's name." 

"It's a beautiful name."

"Do you have the authority to induct my unit and I into the Resistance?"

 _Uhhhhhhh…_ "No, I actually don't. But I do know people who can help me. Besides, if they know you're willing to give information on the First Order, I'm sure they would offer you asylum."

She chewed at the inside of her cheek, rolling over the idea of having a brand new life. "I'll talk to my unit. I'm sure they'll come to see that there is no other option for us but to do this. If some of them choose not to join, though, I won't make them."

Finn grinned from ear to ear. "Then that is their choice to make, but I really hope you all do."

()()()()()

Ren pressed Rey firmly against him as he stalked closer to Maz. Poe walked next to him, keeping his hand on the blaster that was attached to his belt. Such weapons were unnecessary for this encounter, but Ren chalked up the pilot's movement as an instinctual reflex rather than Poe actually wanting to instigate a fight.

Ren maneuvered around chunks of stone and halted a few feet from the small woman. Her arms remained crossed and the temptation to lash out at him was hitting his senses in massive amount of waves. Fortunately, Maz resisted such primitive impulses and settled on glaring at him instead.

Poe was the first to break the tension. "I'm Commander Poe Dameron, a pilot for the Resistance, and we're very much in need of your help." Maz didn't even glance at Poe, nor did she answer. He sensed the pilot becoming nervous and in truth, he was as well. Maz scrutinized Ren's face, more than likely sensing how anxious he was.

"What have you done to her?" Maz demanded. Of course she would blame him. "I could feel the Dark side as soon as you dropped out of hyperspace."

Through a tight jaw, Ren said, "While your assumption is understandable, I didn't do this to her. Snoke did." Maz recoiled, but regained her composure. Her magnified pupils scanned Rey's unconscious body, but she didn't make a move to come any closer.

Maz shook her head. "I'm not capable of helping her with this."

"Directly, no, you can't. But I can. I just need more power to be able to get past the barrier placed around her mind. Then, I can guide her out."

Maz chuckled in disbelief. "You want my power to amplify your own?" Ren remained silent, trying to gage Maz's decision from her expression, but the orange alien was not giving anything away. "And if I refuse?"

Ren didn't hesitate to answer. "Then I'll take it." The 'by force' went unsaid.

Poe shifted, not knowing what to do as Maz and Ren stared at one another. Would the pilot try to stop him if he became violent towards her? Maybe, but Ren was more than willing to kill whoever got in his way of taking what he wanted from the female humanoid. However... the prospect of killing Poe made Ren uncomfortable. He hoped the pilot wouldn't force his hand.

Maz huffed. "Fine. Don't look so surprised," she told him as she saw Ren's eyes widen. "I may know the Force, but I'm not trained in it to the extent that you are. I know a losing battle when I see one." She pivoted on her heels, not waiting to see if the two men were following her or not. "We can do this down in the basement. It's the only place that survived the assault _you_ led against my castle."

Ren trailed close behind while the pilot stayed by his side. "It seems like she's going to help us," Poe whispered. "So that's good, right?" Appearances could be deceiving; Ren knew that better than most. But the last time he'd seen Maz, when he was just a small boy, she'd been a merciful woman. Hopefully, she remained the same underneath her pirate exterior.

Ren gave Poe a side-glance, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with his observation. Maz knew she couldn't match him in power, but she might put up a fight once she realized how much of her strength he was going to need from her.

The basement was still the same as Ren remembered. The long hallway had multiple rooms stemming off from the sides, and the stone floor and walls dropped the air to a chilly temperature that Ren found agreeable.

"In here." Maz turned right, entering a room teething with antiques and reminders of past lives that were long forgotten. A thick wooden table was propped in the middle, and Maz quickly cleared it of her possessions. "Place her on the table." Ren gently did so, making sure his hand was placed on the back of her head to cushion her against the hardness of the amner wood. Rey's knees bent over the short table, her feet dangling close to the floor. Ren loomed over her, brushing random flurries of hair from her ashen face.

Her skin was all wrong – it had none of the soft glow he'd come to admire, and her forehead was covered in tiny beads of sweat that weren't from hard labor, but distress.

A ticking noise sounded off on the other side of the table. Ren peered up, seeing Maz twisting the magnification of her goggles as she stood on a stool. Her sight was burning into Ren, looking at him with a purpose.

"What is she doing?" Poe inquired next to him.

Ren didn't have the patience for this. His head twisted toward the pilot, "Just ignore her." He craned his attention back to Maz to find her on the table, stepping over Rey and getting right in front of him. Two small hands grabbed at his cheeks, making him bend forward, Maz's magnified eyes locking onto his own and drinking in the information they betrayingly offered.

The interaction only lasted seconds before Ren recovered his wits and pulled back from her.

"I never believed…" Maz trailed off, lost in her own thoughts.

Ren wasn't particularly interested in knowing what she believed at the moment. "We need to do this quickly. Rey will soon be dead."

"And you along with her, I presume." Ren clasped his jaw shut. Leave it to Maz to somehow know even the most secretive of details in just one glance.

Maz got off the table and placed her hands on the crown of Rey's head as she closed her eyes to concentrate. "The dark side is rooted very deep. Even if you get in, there's a strong possibility neither of you will be able to get out."

"I can get us out." He went to retrieve a chair from the corner. "I've done it before." 

"Why do you want to help the girl?" Maz's gaze followed him, scrutinizing the manly form his body had become.

"You know why." He set the chair at the head of the table.

"I don't know everything, Ben." Ren flinched upon hearing his birth name. He'd grown accustomed to hearing the name pass through Rey's lips, but if anyone else called him that, his immediate reaction was to become violent. "Tell me, and I won't resist helping you."

He gripped the railing of the chair, hearing it creak under the immense pressure. Talking to Maz was the last thing he wanted to do, but he kept reminding himself that it was necessary if he wanted to save Rey. "I care for her," he finally revealed.

"That's not what I saw in your eyes."

She was baiting him to ask further and to his embarrassment, he did. "And what exactly did you see?" Maz's features took on an emotion he'd never witnessed on the alien: gentleness. It was a very motherly type of look, one that appeared odd on her aged face. He didn't deserve such affection from her.

"Something you will discover very soon, if you haven't already." _Damn woman always has to talk in riddles_. He preferred to converse with people who were more straightforward. 

_Like Poe_ , he thought in shock.

He quieted the ridiculous notion. "Can we get on with this now?" Ren had entertained Maz long enough, and now they needed to deal with the situation currently lying on the table.

Ren was all need, no ease. He sat in the chair, taking Rey's head firmly between his two palms. Maz's small hand rested on his forearm, opening up her strength to him.

"When this is over, you and I have a lot to discuss," Maz affirmed.

Ren gave no sign as to hearing her. Instead, he closed his eyes, searching for the wall around Rey's psyche. It wasn't difficult to find since it had grown considerably stronger than the last time he had checked. Without preamble, he latched onto Maz's Force signature, roughly draining her power into his own.

The petite alien made no sound at his intrusion, but he could feel her hand starting to shake. Thoughts and feeling belonging to Maz were attached to the strength she was letting him absorb. Ren had no choice but to become privy to the information, and what he learned was actually quite shocking.

Hundreds of years ago, Maz had a younger brother. They were alike in many ways, until he became the leader of a formidable spice cartel. His ambition and ego could not be satiated through kindness and mercy, but only through cruelty and backstabbing. Maz watched helplessly as her brother used his Force abilities to gain recognition, falling deeper and deeper into the Dark side. She went decades without seeing him, deciding that there was nothing she could do but wait, hoping he would return to her. Instead, she felt through the Force the day he'd been murdered. It had been slow and painful and Maz let herself suffer through it all. Later, she learned that he'd been killed during a coup and his body had been air-locked out into the expanse of space, leaving no grave for her to find him.

Maz reviled the Dark side, but felt pity for those who were trapped in its snare. Even now, knowing Ren had murdered Han, she felt sympathy for him. Ren recoiled from such an emotion. Having others show pity for him made him feel weak, whereas their fear made him feel strong. He would rather have Maz's full, unadulterated anger than have her feel sorry for him.

Ren focused on the barrier, trying not to let Maz's thoughts ruin his attention. He pounded against it, drawing more strength from the woman with every punch. While these types of walls were made to keep their victim from escaping, it was not entirely impossible to get inside. The barrier was weaker on the outside, giving him the opportunity to break in.

With every trap, there was always a loophole.

Leia had taught him that.

Slowly, the blockade started to budge, revealing the fabric of the structure. Desperation fueled him, and he was astonished that Maz was still standing from how much of her power he was stealing. He pulled at the thread, creating a hole he could slip into. It was small, forcing his mind to compress greatly against it.

_Just a little more pressure…._

Ren opened his eyes, staring into a black abyss, not knowing what time axis he belonged to. His feet were firmly planted on a hard surface, no sound or smell or color hitting his other senses. The place was obsolete, barren. It was devoid of all hope and light that made Rey into the beautiful woman Ren knew her to be. _  
_

Her name bellowed from his lungs, but Ren received no response. No echoes came from his voice or footsteps as he blindly traveled the flat surface. His own fear was waiting beneath, for this place was where he'd once been stuck in for days, a test put together by Snoke. He'd come to the edge of dying, but had somehow found the willpower to control the illusion and create an escape.

Being weak was for cowards and so were excuses, Snoke would tell him.

"Ben." A young woman appeared to his right. Her form softly glowed, accentuating the paleness of her skin. Reddish, blonde hair flowed onto her shoulders, and Ren had the strong impression that he knew this woman, that he had once seen her in a different form.

"You were a child when you appeared to me on that island," Ren recalled as he walked closer, studying the familiar aged outlines of her face.

She smiled as she cupped her hands together at her hip. "I was wondering if you'd recognize me if I looked older. I prefer this version of myself than the young child I died as. It makes me imagine what kind of life I could've had if I lived longer."

Ren scrutinized her form while not hiding his increased confusion. "I… don't understand. Are you a Force Spirit? Why show yourself to me on the island and right now?"

Her voice was feminine and soft, matching the elegance she exuded ."My fate is tied with Rey's."

"What fate? You already died. Your fate should be done."

The woman grew serious, leaving all evidence of formality behind. "Would you like to converse with me, or find Rey and get her out of here? Time in this place is not finite."

"Where is she?" The woman's form flashed, causing Ren to shield his eyes. What remained of her was a small ball of light, floating fast off into the distance. Ren ran, following the sphere through the fragile substance of Rey's darkened psyche.

The light stopped abruptly, hovering over a crumpled form on the floor. Ren slid to his knees and stopped at Rey's stilled body.

The orb pulsated light as the woman spoke. "I banished the heathen's voice from speaking with her, but his trap remains."

As Ren turned Rey onto her back, he clutched onto her shoulders and glanced up at the light. "You have power here? Why didn't you get her out!"

The streams of light that surrounded the sphere twirled faster, as if becoming unstable. "You don't understand. If Snoke senses me, he won't stop hunting the girl till she is dead."

"He already wants her dead," Ren stated through clenched teeth. 

"No, this will be personal and fueled with vengeance." He glanced between Rey and the hovering energy, not knowing whether he should pry further with more questions, or stay on task by helping Rey escape.

Ren chose Rey, deciding that his thirst for information could hopefully be quenched at a different point in the future.

He grasped her face gently, feeling her cold skin on his fingertips. Blame needed to be aimed somewhere and Ren chose himself as the target. Snoke had to have used his side of the bond to find Rey. It was the only explanation that made any sense.

"You blame yourself for what is happening," the voice observed.

 _Can she sense my emotions?_ Ren was growing accustomed to Rey being in tune with his moods, but the prospect of this entity also sensing his feelings was unnerving. He stayed silent, trying to focus on getting Rey to respond to his nudges.

"There's no need to decree the blame upon yourself. Once you were rendered unconscious, you no longer could shield her from your master, and my presence within her made it so he could find her quickly. Fortunately, he was not specifically seeking me out, so my existence is still unknown to him." There was an inkling of narcissistic undertones to the spheres last statement, like the being viewed herself more important than Rey.

"Your presence within her?" The more the light spoke, the more perplexed Ren became. Even though it wasn't real, seeing Rey's weak form on the ground was disconcerting, causing him to panic and not clearly assess the conversation that was unfolding. "Are you speaking of reincarnation?" Ren voiced his conjecture out loud, hoping it was not the case. The concept of reincarnation was not widely known, and no accounts have ever been recorded, but theoretically, it could be possible.

 _Well, technically, the Force can make anything possible_.

"No, we are very much two separate entities." Ren relaxed slightly. He didn't know what he would have done if he found out Rey was somehow this peculiar girl he kept meeting. "When she was born and the bond formed between you two, the Force allowed me to attach myself to her, but this is very much her own mind and body." Ren's sight darted back to the bright sphere. He quickly processed how Rey and the girl were somehow linked together, but entirely separate from one another before focusing on the most important statement the girl had made during the entirety of the odd exchange: the Force bond.

His bewilderment was obvious from his scrunched up expression. "What are you talking about? The bond formed when I was interrogating her."

The light shifted, like it was growing nervous. "No, it didn't. The Force needed your destinies to be intertwined, so it willed the connection to be so. The bond had been laying dormant from my doing, but you awakened it when you forced yourself into her mind on the First Order base."

_What the hell is going on?_

What she was saying sounded too farfetched. Wouldn't he have noticed something as significant as a Force bond forming sometime during his life?

And then, it hit him.

 _My dream_ ….

The dreams he had of Rey since he was ten, the longing to find something out in the galaxy, how immensely drawn he was to her when he first saw her on Takodana – it all made sense now. Too much sense.

And with the revelation, one fact became clear: his life had never been his own, even when he was young. How much control over his life did he actually have, or had everything been a lie? This woman had kept Ren and Rey from finding each other. He could have found Rey and spared her the hardships she had endured on Jakku and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have been consumed by the Dark side. He wouldn't have killed....

Ren spoke in a harsh, low voice. "You kept us apart. I could've found her when she was abandoned; our lives could've turned out differently than this."

"Your fall to the Dark side was necessary for what lies ahead."

His hands shot out at the ball of light, trying to grab it and strangle it between his powerful hands. It darted out of reach, but remained in the vicinity.

Ren's hard breathing and feral eyes showed the evidence of his rage. "Necessary? _Necessary?_ I killed my own father! I can barely live with myself over what I did to him, and you say that my fall was necessary? How can you just toy with my life and have no regard for the consequences?" His throat burned from the screaming, but the physical pain was more welcome than the memories his words elicited. "How could you let this happen to me!?"

"If you had known about her or if you had found her, what little connection you have with your master might never have formed," she argued. "It is essential for the future."

This… _thing_ really was a cold-hearted, narcissistic bitch. Whatever her plans were, it was clear she would ruin anyone to complete them, and Rey and Ren fell under her first of many casualties.

Ren hung his head, staring intently onto the obscurely smooth floor as his black hair framed his vision. "No," he stated firmly. "No, I'm done being a puppet for other people. And that includes whatever the hell you are." Ren peered through his thick locks to glare at her. "You need someone to have a connection with Snoke? You can go make one between the two of you. If I'm lucky, you'll kill each other over it."

"Ben…" Rey's voice whispered. He swung around, seeing her eyes flutter open as he grabbed her hand.

The hovering ball inched closer. "You cannot escape your destiny."

Destiny.

Fate.

How dare this entity speak of such things to him, like she knew his inner most thoughts and intentions.

Ren's destiny was to follow his grandfather's legacy; he'd known that shortly after discovering his true lineage. Deep beneath the crevice of doubts and questions, he knew that it was somehow still his path, but he found himself no longer drawn to it like he'd once been. It was astonishing how his perspective on life could change over such a small span of time.

He glanced harshly over his shoulder. "Fuck destiny. Now, if you're still adamant on not helping us, then leave." The globe hovered for a moment and then vanished, plunging Ren and Rey into darkness.

"Who were you talking to?" Rey asked weakly. "Was it the girl?"

Ren found her face with his hands, thumbs moving across her cheeks. "Yes, but she isn't important. Forget about her." That's what Ren intended on doing.

He helped Rey sit upright, hands going to her back to support her. Her palms touched his chest, crawling up to his neck until resting on his face. "I knew you'd find me." Lightly, her fingers twirled through his hair. Memories of their time in the ocean swirled through his cognizance. Her touch was so simple, but resonated through his secret need to be wanted by another person.

"I wouldn't leave you here. I'll always come back for you, Rey. No matter where you are." She threw her arms around his neck without warning, surprising him by her sudden closeness, which he didn't object to. 

"Thank you."

He rubbed her back, feeling the contours of her body beneath his palms. "Are you ready to get us out of here?" he whispered. As she drew back, her cheek rubbed against his, causing him to instinctively turn toward the touch. He could taste her breath on his lips, and if they had been in a calmer situation, Ren would have claimed her mouth for his own pleasure.

"Me? I thought that's what you came here to do." Rey's voice was weak, but firm in her apparent frustration to the news. "If I knew how to get out of here, I would've done so by now."

"Well, I can't provide us an escape. Only you can, since we're technically in your mind."

She sat all the way back onto her legs, taking with her the touch he craved. "But… you got in here. Can't you get out?"

He shook his head but realized that she couldn't see the movement in the dark. "No. I only got past the barrier thanks to Maz."

"Maz?"

"Yeah. I needed more power to get in here, and Maz was the safest option available."

She didn't voice the possibility of Skywalker to him, and he was grateful.

Rey's shuddered breaths were the only noise that could be heard, and Ren knew the pressure that was placed upon her was overwhelming. "I... I can't do it. Everything feels so wrong here, and I'm so tired."

His next statement was tactless, but she needed to know the full extent of what would happen if she chose inaction. "I know you're tired, and this place... it isn't natural. But Rey, your body is starting to shut down, and if you don't get out of here soon, you will die."

Silence.

Ren scooted closer, his knees touching hers as he grasped onto her hands. "All this is, is an illusion. Well, the barrier is real, but the illusion lies in you thinking that you have no power here. You do. You have more power over your mind than Snoke does. You'll have to use a lot of your strength to defy him, but you can escape."

"I'm not strong enough," she uttered fearfully.

"Yes, you are. You're stronger than you know; I can feel your power begging to be used. Look at everything you've done: you delved into my fears when I was interrogating you, you bested me as we dueled in the snow, and you beat me on the island." All three were still embarrassing defeats, but he was more than capable of setting aside his ego to spark her inner vigor. 

Rey scoffed. "You clearly won that duel on Ahch-To. All I did was talk to you."

"But your words made me stop. Trust me, you won that fight. And you're more than capable of winning this one." As far as pep talks went, Ren wasn't sure how he was doing. He had never tried to boost up another person's confidence before. Hell, he had a hard time maintaining his own, but he learned how to fake it when it mattered.

"It seems impossible," Rey said breathlessly.

He gave her hands a reassuring squeeze, hoping she would be able to find the strength she needed soon. If she didn't, he would have to try a different tactic, which involved getting her angry. And he didn't want to do that. "It's not. Snoke did the same thing to me early on in my training. I'm the walking proof that it is possible to break out of a hold like this."

Her body jolted, like it was suddenly shocked awake. "This has happened to you before?"

"Yes, and–"

Rey cut him off, moving closer to him. "I need you to think about exactly how you escaped."

"What–"

"I'm going to take the knowledge from you. I just need you to remember it." Her words poured out of her quickly, her thick accent making it so he almost couldn't understand what she just ordered him to do.

Ren sat, stunned as he processed her request. He tripped over his words before settling on one question. "You know how to do that?"

"Sort of, and I'll explain later. I just need you to think about that memory so I don't have to dig for it _."_

As he did as she ordered, he could feel her invading his thoughts, taking a part of him with her as she retreated. It wasn't as if she stole it and he could never get it back, but rather she copied the information and stored it within her own well of knowledge.

_How convenient._

To his astonishment, she giggled. The sound swept through him and he clung to how pure it felt in a place seething with dread. "You really are clever. I never would have thought to view the barrier as a web that can be untangled. I just kept foolishly pushing against it, not even thinking of trying to perceive it differently. The knowledge I could get from your mind–"

"Oh, I don't think so," he countered, but not in an argumentative way. "You're going to have to learn the hard way, just like everyone else. No cheating."

"But you let me cheat just now." He could hear the smile in her voice.

"Because I'd rather we didn't die here. Now less talking and more concentrating." Ren scolded her, but his heart wasn't in it. He could've sworn Rey mockingly saluted him in the dark, and he marveled at how quick her spirits had risen after dipping into his mind. Her confidence was sure up, but her strength was still lacking.

Ren sat on his heels as he grasped onto her arms. She mimicked his stance. "Take as much strength as you need from me," he told her. "Don't hold back and don't worry about me, understand?"

"Yes," she breathed and went still. The silence was earsplitting and the moments dragged on. He wondered if Rey was even doing anything, but by the sudden vibrations in the air, he knew the unraveling had begun.

Ren tried to breathe, but found it to be impossible. The air in his lungs was being sucked right out of him, making his insides burn for relief. When he told her to take his power, she really didn't back away. Every drop of vigor was being rung and collected from his giving soul, which made him close to falling over.

Rey's nails dug into his forearm, her heavy panting barely audible through his clattering teeth. Every atom in his body was pulsating as the fabric of the barrier started to crumble. His thoughts screamed at him that if he let her continue to drain him, he would die. But she needed to get out, not matter the cost.

Light rippled off in the distance behind her. It was a violent mixture of color that swirled through its vicinity, searching for a victim to join the clamoring storm. It was coming for them swiftly, filling the void with a noise akin to nails scratching against glass.

"Hur-ry," Ren whispered through a trembling jaw. Rey's features creased together in concentration, clawing at their only chance to escape. The vibrant horde was picking up momentum and Ren could feel the eyes of his master fixated on them both. Seconds were all they had left, seconds before the situation got a hell of a lot more complicated.

The colors were blinding and the urgency in the pit of his stomach sprang forth from his mouth in one single word. "Rey!"


	23. It's All I've Ever Known

Ren's eyelids sprang open, taking in the surroundings to find he was in his bed aboard his ship. His joints cracked as he stood and stretched. He leaned against the frame, breathing in the heavy smell of reality. A smile commandeered his lips as he thought of Rey.

 _She did it. She really did it_.

He searched for her, finding her essence out in the forest somewhere, no doubt examining every leaf and fleck of dirt the land could provide. Her curiosity was making up for the lost time she'd spent on Jakku.

Sharply, his thoughts snapped to when he had conversed with that being in Rey's mind. He wanted to believe that the girl – woman, ghost, whatever she was – was lying about everything, but denying that he'd sensed the truth behind her words was a huge waste of time.

What the being's intentions were, Ren had no idea. Neither did he know how she was tied to Rey if the girl was already dead. He just wanted to forget about the encounter, sweep it under the rug and out of existence. He didn't need another problem to deal with; not when he was already struggling with who he was and what he would do with his life.

Except... that strategy would surely come back to bite him in the ass later on. He had to talk to Rey about it. Had. To. She was unknowingly sharing her body with another life form, a fact she should be privy to. Ren wondered how she was going to take the jarring news.

Entering the hallway, he made his way to the refresher, desperately needing to clean the stickiness and musk off his skin. After he was efficiently clean and in a new dark tunic and trousers, he ventured into the galley to find Poe rifling through the cabinets.

"What are you looking for?" Ren asked.

Poe jumped, hitting his head on the inside of the cabinet and cursing as he gave it a good rub. "Rations. Your supply is getting really low. But hey, at least you have enough chocolate to feed an army."

Speaking of which….

Ren grabbed a few bars from the upper cabinet and started to inhale the sugary treat as he searched for the rest of the rations. He eyed a bowl on the counter, seeing that it was a hearty soup with vegetables and meat.

"Oh." Poe followed Ren's line of sight. "Yeah... Maz made some dinner. I brought you back a bowl. It should still be warm." The mere mention of Maz gave ren knots in his stomach. She wanted to speak with him, and he could see no way of escaping that inevitable conversation.

He touched the bowl, feeling that it was indeed still warm. "It'll probably give you more energy than the sugar you're shoving down you gullet," Poe commented. Ren turned, watching the pilot lean against the counter.

Ren ignored the pilot's jab about his diet. "How long were we out?"

"Sixteen hours."

Ren halted the choc bar at his lips. "It didn't seem that long."

Poe shrugged. "To be honest, Maz and I were getting really worried. We were starting to brainstorm a way for her to join you guys, but then Rey woke up. You, on the other hand, were out. Rey said you would probably sleep for a while, and asked me to get you back to the ship to rest. You know, I've been lugging your ass around a lot lately." The pilot gave him a smug smile. "I'm gonna have to start charging you a fee for my services."

"Just let me know the rate." Ren set aside the choc bars and grabbed the bowl of soup, along with a spoon.

Poe's expression froze, his eyes widening. "Did you just… did you just make a joke with me?"

Ren smiled to himself as he walked over to the table in the lounge. He settled himself in and started eating. It was a rarity for him to have a nice, cooked meal, and he relished in the warmth it gave his stomach. He tried not to think about how Maz was the one who made it.

Poe took the seat opposite of him, staring intently as he ate. There was a nervous edge to his outwardly stoic demeanor. "So... Maz is letting me fix up this old freighter of her's and I'm thinking I should be done with the repairs sometime tomorrow." Ren ate, listening to the pilot with uninterested ears. "When she's good to go, I plan on leaving for the Resistance." _Thank the Force._ "And I... I think Rey should come with me." That was not what Ren wanted to hear.

He wasn't done with chewing a thick piece of meat between his molars, but he forced it down his throat so he could fully convey his annoyance to the pilot. "She made up her mind. She wants to stay."

"I know. I asked her about coming back to the base with me and she nearly bit my head off. I do, however, think she would go... if you asked her to."

Ren was surprised at the straightforward suggestion. "Why would I ever ask her to do that?"

Poe scoffed, leaning over the table. "C'mon man. You have to know that what you're asking her to do could very well ruin her life. Leave with you? You? A guy who's being hunted relentlessly by the First Order and has no idea how to get his shit together?"

"I know how to stay hidden, and Snoke is searching for Rey as well. She'll be safer with me."

"No, it would be safer for her to be back at the base where she can be protected properly. You two gallivanting across the galaxy is going to get both of you caught. And killed."

Ren ground his teeth, focusing on keeping his anger at bay. "Look, I'm not going to convince her to do something she doesn't want to do. She's stubborn and won't listen to me."

"Oh, I think she'd listen to you. Do you seriously not notice how much she looks up to you? I do, and it worries me. Her attachment to you is troubling, not to mention how easily you influence her."

Influence Rey? There was no possible way for someone as innocent as her to look up to someone as corrupt as him. She was obstinate when she desired something and had a moral compass, the latter of which he lacked. "There is a very strong possibility of you changing her, and it wouldn't be for the better," Poe added.

Ren would never attempt to change one thing about Rey, but Poe would never take his word for it, so he stayed quiet. He didn't have to explain himself to someone who was just a pilot. The only thing that mattered to him was Rey. Period.

Ren stood, no longer wanting to be tethered to this particular conversation. Poe stared at him intently, waiting to hear if he would agree with his assessment. "I'm not going to tell her she should leave with you, so you should stop bringing it up – to the both of us. If you find that to be too difficult, I can make it so you'll never be able to speak again. Your choice." Poe bit down, showcasing his frustration through a locked jaw. Ren proceeded to exit the lounge, feeling a strong desire to be close to Rey. Hopefully the pilot would stop voicing those ridiculous notions, or Ren would be forced to fulfill his promise.

He left the ship as the sun began its final descent toward the horizon. The uneven terrain and the pine wood scent reminded him of when he would venture out there when he was a boy. Han had always been too busy swapping stories with Maz or with the other criminals that roamed the castle to notice his son wondering off. Ren had quickly grown despondent to the boisterous laughter and the ripe smell of the unkempt aliens. So he had taken it upon himself to find somewhere quiet, where he could pretend to be somewhere else in the galaxy. The expanse of the forest had been a sanctuary, and now as he hiked through it, those old feelings reluctantly came back.

The branches of the trees that held its leaves seemed sharper to him now. The air was crisp, smelling new and fresh. His boots crunched the shrubbery below as he walked between two high rock faces. Rey was very close, but he still couldn't see her through the narrow gap. He halted, glancing up at the group of rocks. Ren climbed the steep walkway and turned to the left upon reaching the top.

Rey stood with her back facing him, overlooking the thick throng of foliage in front of her. He stalked forward, not trying to hide the sound of his footfalls. It wouldn't have mattered if he had; he knew she could sense his presence.

She broke through the silence first. "Do you recognize this place?" He stopped a few feet behind her, his head swiveling around to take in the surrounding view. The endless line of trees and compounded dirt did not cause any specific memories to surface, not like it obviously did with Rey.

"No. Should I?"

She pivoted, revealing her void expression, her arms remaining at her sides. "This is where we first met."

His sight darted over the rocky mound and he briefly glanced back at the way he'd come up. To the left was a small ravine, the place where the stormtroopers had informed him that the Resistance was overwhelming their small numbers. He couldn't believe Rey had ventured out to find this specific place when she harbored such apprehensive feelings toward it. Or did she? Ren couldn't read her since her end of the bond was closed off. As usual.

"I can't decipher if you're alright being here or not," Ren commented, scrutinizing her. The flashbacks he was receiving from being in the area made him want to flee and pretend it never happened. Someone else had Force stunned Rey, someone else had threatened her with their lightsaber, and someone else had probed her mind.

Yeah… he _really_ wanted to be anywhere else in the galaxy but here.

She shrugged. "I'm actually fine being here again. It's weird, though... it feels like it all happened ages ago, when it's only been a couple weeks." His stare roamed quickly over her form, realizing that she was still in the same outfit from Spira. The look made her appear stronger, older. More intimidating.

He liked her new appearance way too much.

"Well, you're a far cry from the girl you once were. You're hardly helpless, and you're power has grown significantly since then."

She smiled tentatively. "And I'm not scared of you, like I once was."

He chuckled. "No, you're not." Ren still couldn't get past how odd it was that Rey didn't shy away from him like how most people would.

Her smile slowly faded as she glanced down at the dirt between them. "How have you been able to live with that vile creature in your mind for so long?" Her voice was soft and timid, not knowing if the question was appropriate to ask.

He paused before answering. "It's all I've ever known."

Rey's eyes met his, causing his insides to tighten. "I think... I think I'm really starting to see why you eventually fell to the dark side. I'm starting to understand. " An emotion played out on her face. Sympathy?

His forehead creased. "What do you mean?"

She walked to him as he wondered where she was going with these thoughts of hers. "Feeling utterly hopeless would cause anyone to break under that pressure." She _was_ showing him sympathy, it was easily discernible on her face as she got closer. It was the last thing he wanted to see from her. "Snoke _did_ this to you, Ben. He made you into a monster." He recoiled from her attempt to touch his arm as he gazed at her, bewildered. Hurt filled her eyes, but she didn't let his retreat stop her from voicing her beliefs. "He robbed you of a life full of love and friendship. You've killed so many people for him and lost who you truly were in the process."

Ren shook his head vigorously. "No. He didn't take away the life I should've had. He gave me a purpose, a place to belong when no one else would. He saw how much power I could wield and the potential I had." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

Rey blinked, utterly shocked by his confession, and part of him mirrored her reaction.

"How can you speak of him with such high praise? After... everything?" Disgust laced her words. Ren was confused that he still felt loyal to Snoke, while at the same time, knowing he belonged to Rey. Thoughts he'd been trying to hold off processing were starting to claw to the surface, causing him to come to grips with reality. "You told me on Spira that you didn't trust him anymore, but here you are actually defending him, after everything he's made you do. You killed your father for him and tried to kill me–"

"I know what I have done!"

Rey stepped back in alarm. His voice boomed off the pine trees, rippling through the air with powerful speed. Moments passed as he watched her square off at him. The pool of conflicting emotions had caused him to lash out at her and he immediately regretted it.

He rubbed his face. "I'm sorry," he voiced more calmly. "I shouldn't have.... I'm sorry."

The outburst didn't seem to deter her. "You still hold your former master in such high regard?" Her tone was critical and lined with hurt. "After what he just did to me?"

Of course the first time they're actually able to talk to one another since Spira and they start it off by arguing.

"Most of his teachings I respect, but as for the man... I don't revere him like I used to. He wants you dead, and I won't let that happen."

Rey breathed in, then out, trying to control her frustration. "If you were put in a situation where you had to choose between him or me–"

"You. I'd always choose you. Never think otherwise."

She relaxed slightly, but her voice was still hard. "I need to know when you started doubting him. Truly. No lies."

"You think I'd lie to you?"

"I like to believe you wouldn't."

"I wouldn't."

She didn't say anything. Just stared at him.

He took in a deep breath before speaking. "The destruction of the Hosnian System. It could've possibly been earlier than that, but the seed of doubt was so small, I'm not exactly sure when it was planted." Rey's eyes lost focus for a moment as she nodded her head.

"I –," he stuttered, not knowing where to begin explaining his jumbled thoughts. She glanced back up, startled that he was going to keep talking. "I've obtained power from Snoke's teachings that would never have been possible otherwise. I struggled all my life with feeling unwanted by my family, and Snoke showed me how to use those emotions for a greater purpose."

"But–"

"Stop. Just... stop it, Rey." She clamped her mouth shut. "Don't try to minimize what I've done or cast blame elsewhere. I didn't have to go looking for Snoke after finding out about my grandfather, but I did. I wanted to. I killed people because I wanted to. I tortured people to experience the power I had over them. You already know this about me. You saw what I did to that stormtrooper on the island."

Rey grew visibly aggravated, but she needed to understand where his mentality was. If she couldn't accept it, how would it be when they actually left Takodana together? "You talk of choices like you had some, but you didn't," she argued. "Snoke had his sights set on you since before you were even born. You had no freedom, you were never even alone in your own head. Why can't you see how big of a deal that is? How can you not know that?"

A thought popped into his head, giving him unease.

_Is she trying to rationalize my deeds so she can justify staying with me?_

"I do know that," he countered. "I gave up my freedom to be Snoke's apprentice because that's what I wanted."

"How can you know that's what you wanted when Snoke had been whispering in your ear and planting thoughts and emotions in your mind to make you trust him?"

"Just because you've felt Snoke's presence doesn't mean you understand everything about me," Ren sharply told her. Rey shook her head in disbelief. "I wanted him as my master, I wanted to learn from him. And I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to understand that I regret very little of the things I've done, and I have done so much. You want Ben Solo, I can feel you yearn for him, but I can't be that person anymore even if I tried. With every life I took, I killed the man I used to be. It doesn't matter if you think I was manipulated or pushed into the Dark side. What's left is this"–he motioned to his body–"and you can either accept it, or move on."

Rey had her arms crossed, gazing at Ren with such unexpected sympathy, it made him want to run back to the confines of his ship. "Your family loved you, Ben," she spoke quietly, earnestly. She opened the bond to him, letting him feel the passion behind her words. "You were once a Jedi who followed the Light. I can see it in you now, even if you can't. Snoke wants you to believe you're too broken to come back, but you can. He's to blame for all of this, and I hope one day, you'll be able to see that and return to the person you used to be."

She was stubborn in her beliefs, and Ren was tempted to grab her shoulders and shake her till she saw reason. It was like nothing he said fazed her anymore, but why would it? They've spoken of worse things before.

Something started to rise to the surface; it felt like an epiphany of some sort, the kind that made Ren shudder with anxiety.

Since his first breath, everyone in his life had their expectations for him – Han wanted him to be a pilot, Leia hoped he'd have a career in government, and Snoke wanted a loyal warrior. All of them tried to shape him into an image of themselves. All of them had been manipulative, each using a different set of tactics.

Peering down at her, he realized Rey was no different. She wanted the good spirited, sarcastic Ben Solo who was nothing more than a ghost. Part of him wanted to be that man again, to find him and beg him never to leave. But would he be that person again for himself, or for Rey?

The realization of what he needed to do screamed at him through the depths of denial.

He needed to find out what kind of man he truly wanted to be, without any outside voices trying to influence him. And this, unfortunately, included Rey.

He knew he could pretend to be what she wanted, and for a while, it would probably work. But he was disgusted by the idea of living another lie. That was what his whole life had been: living in the light when he felt like he didn't fit in with its ideals, and then relishing in the darkness when he didn't have the stomach to go all the way into the abyss.

In a way, Poe had been right. He was being selfish by never asking her to go back to her friends, but in her own right, she was also being self-seeking. She wanted him to be Ben, was asking him to come back to the light when she knew it would ruin him. It was a lot to ask of him, and yet she did so anyway.

Her eyes were studying him, feeling the conflict within, but not understanding what was fueling the inner battle. Gods, he knew what he had to say was going to wound her deeply.

_Should I think this over more –_

_No_.

He detested drawing out the inevitable, and that's exactly what this felt like.

Rey broke the silence first. "You need time to see how everything has been stacked against you. Which is fine. I can help you sort through it all." How did Ren tell her how naive and condescending she was being without it sounding offensive? Answer: he kept his mouth shut.

She sighed, the tension in her shoulders dissipating. "So... I was thinking that once Poe leaves tomorrow, we can go through the galactic maps and find somewhere to go. I'd prefer somewhere by an ocean, if that's doable." Rey was trying to lighten the mood, leaving their conversation about Snoke for a different day. Rather than her words bring him solace, it twisted his heart till it burned in his chest.

Before revealing his thoughts to her, there was one thing he needed to know. "You can really leave everything behind, just like that? You'd be content with abandoning your friends to fight the First Order without you?" Rey became flustered by such a straightforward question, unable to give Ren an immediate answer. There was an inner struggle going on in her mind, which was evidenced by her troubled expression.

"I gave you my word. I'm staying with you." Her feelings betrayed her and he sensed what she was trying to hide.

"Rey, I can tell you don't want to leave your friends."

"Can't you just believe me when I say that I want to stay with you more than I want to fight the First Order with the Resistance?" He delved deeper into her emotions, making sure to do it with finesse so she would remain oblivious to his probe.

Doubt. Confusion. Belonging. They all rumbled beneath her subconscious, fighting for dominance. He didn't doubt that Rey would ever go back on her word, but he knew that if she stayed with him, regret would soon follow. She kept denying it to herself.

"Honestly? No, I can't. I sense you keep switching between the two, and you're confused by what you should do."

She slammed their connection off, but the damage was already done. Ren had read her feelings. "Don't try to use our connection against me."

He exhaled, looking up into the darkening sky through the branches above. "I had to know how you felt. It makes what I have to say next easier, in a way." Rey's eyebrow creased in confusion as he glanced down at her.

Ren closed the distance between them, cupping her puzzled face between his large hands. He was never this forthright when it came to touching her, but felt a need for it now. She didn't flinch as his skin met hers, sending a velvety wave of amity into his core. Ren stooped down so their faces were close and Rey could see the conviction in his stare.

"Rey, I need you to know that I've come to care for you more than I've cared for anything else in my entire life. What I want from you is something I cannot ask of you, nor do I deserve it. I don't know who I am anymore, and I fear that as I try to find that out, you could be ruined in the process."

Her eyes widened with realization of what he was trying to say.

"My life has never been mine," he continued. "I've lost myself through others controlling me. I need to find balance on my own, without outside forces swaying me in a certain direction."

"And... I'm one of those outside forces?"

He nodded. "You most of all. I want to be the person you want, but I don't know how. For it to be genuine, I need to figure it out on my own."

Rey's bottom lip quivered. She shut her eyes, letting tears slide down her cheeks. "You're leaving me?" Her voice broke on the last syllable.

"Oh gods, Rey, don't cry. It would only be for a little while." Gently, he wiped her tears with his thumbs. "Please, look at me." Her watered eyes met his, mirroring his own heartache. "Search your feelings. It will tell you that we'll meet again soon. Our destinies are still entwined, and we still have much to accomplish in the future." Ren thought of the entity inside Rey's mind, knowing that it was important to tell her about the conversation they had. She needed to know that their bond dated back to when she was born. "There's something else you should know–"

Rey pushed Ren away, a fire of rage roaring behind her beautiful hazel eyes. "You want to leave? Then go! Get out of here. I'm used to being left behind by everyone, so why not add you to the list." She pushed past him, but Ren grabbed her arm to stop her. "Don't!" She wrenched free and Ren could feel the sharp pain run up her arm, but Rey showed no sign of acknowledging it. The agony shining through her eyes stopped him cold, knowing that he was the one who caused it to be there. He watched her sprint down the steep mound, her lithe form disappearing behind the rocks.

All he could do was just stand there, looking aimlessly onward. Numb were his feelings, for his mind could not catch up with what he had just done. His heart stumbled on the things that he knew, the things that he had chosen to do.

He raced after Rey, needing desperately to explain himself further. He underestimated just how much leaving would hurt her. Poe was right, she'd become more attached to him than he realized.

Ren reached the ship, hurling himself into the cargo bay and up the ladder. Shouting echoed throughout the freighter and Ren followed it to the lounge. Rey was standing in the middle, shouting animatedly at a very bewildered Poe. It appeared he was in the throngs of playing Dejarik, but clearly his attention was no longer on the game.

"–talked to him, didn't you? I told you to stay out of it, but you just had to throw your opinion out there. Well, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that he's leaving... without me! You've won! You got what you wanted while I'm left with nothing." Poe glanced Ren's way, trying to silently plea to the man for help.

Ren stepped further into the lounge, grabbing Rey's attention. She laughed, not out of happiness, but irony. "This whole time I've been telling you that I wouldn't leave. Do you even know how many times the thought had crossed my mind, but I still chose not to do that to you?" Ren sensed the question was rhetorical, so he kept his mouth shut. "You're no different than my parents! You're no different than the two people who left me on a desert planet to rot!" Her arms flung outward, making Ren think that she was very close to using the Force on him.

"That's not true and you know it," he bit back, but with no real edge. "Rey, I came for you when you were trapped by Snoke, and I told you that our separation wouldn't be permanent."

"How can you know that? Because the Force told you? Forgive me, but I'm not in the mood to meditate for reassurance."

Poe shifted in his seat, not knowing what to do. The pilot was on his own because Ren was too focused on Rey. She was slowly unraveling and it was becoming increasingly difficult to watch.

"I just don't–" Her voice cracked as her throat constricted. "I don't understand… why everyone in my life wants to abandon me. Is there something wrong with me?" In that moment, she looked like the child that had been left behind on Jakku – so small, so fragile. Something that I can't detect or fix? Cause I would. I would fix it if I knew what was wrong. I just need a chance..."

Ren took a step closer. "No. No, Rey, there's nothing wrong with you and I'm not abandoning you."

"But that's what it feels like." She sniffled, no longer able to hold back her sobs. Her hands masked her face and muffled her cries as she stood awkwardly in the room. Ren wasn't sure what he should do. He felt like comforting her, but her anger was directed at him.

Her abandonment issues rivaled even his own and he could relate to what she was experiencing. He never fathomed he would be able to make someone feel this way, and the guilt that plagued him was heavy.

"Finn never abandoned you," Ren blurted out, searching for anything to calm her. He used the traitors 'name' to add more effect behind the statement, and it seemed to have worked. Rey lowered her hands, revealing her large, shocked eyes. Even Poe looked astonished that Ren had brought up the man he had refused to acknowledge in the past.

Rey was still hiccuping from her sobs as Ren pressed forward. "He could've ran right after I took you out in the snow, but he didn't. He grabbed the lightsaber and faced me. He had to have known I would kill him, but he still fought to protect you, to save you." Rey's longing to see her friend again was strong, causing a pang of jealousy to slice through him. Ren forced himself to not give into such reckless emotion, knowing that his ego needed to stay out of the situation.

Seconds passed as her breathing slowly evened and she wiped the tears from her face. "Once you leave, how will we ever find one another again," she whispered.

"Through our connection."

She chewed at her bottom lip, doubting the fullness of his words. "It can stretch"–she hiccuped–"across the galaxy?"

"I know it can."

She hugged her midsection, frozen, looking at the steel floor.

Her eyes were distant as she mulled over their discussion. A mild form of embarrassment radiated off of her, probably from the realization of how she'd acted in front of him. But Ren didn't judge her response in the slightest.

"I need to be alone for a while," she stated.

Rey strode past him to the door and Ren respected her wishes by not reaching out to stop her. He didn't plan on leaving immediately, so he would have another chance to talk with her soon… if she let him.

He glanced at the table, realizing that Poe had sat there, waiting for the altercation to finish. The pilot rose, giving Ren an indecipherable look. Fortunately, he didn't say anything, but wisely chose to leave him in the lounge with only his thoughts for company.

Witnessing Rey so vulnerable and desperate made Ren want to go back on his decision to leave. Maybe he should've thought this through more carefully before telling her in the forest. But he didn't like dragging things out and if he had, it would've tortured him more. He wouldn't have been able to listen to Rey talk about them leaving together while knowing where his head was at. It wouldn't have been fair to her.

Still, he could feel himself faltering on his decision.

If Rey asked him to stay, Ren wasn't sure he'd have the heart to tell her no. He knew he needed this, though. He needed to be on his own to organize this new, bizarre person he was becoming. Hopefully, Rey would come to accept that and not hate him for it.

They would see each other again; he believed that. He knew when the Force was trying to tell him something, and it was telling him that leaving was the course he needed take. For her and for him. It was going to be painful and full of obstacles, but he needed to grow up, make some sacrifices, and stop acting like a child.

He almost laughed at himself. _I'm almost thirty years old and I still feel like a child in so many ways._

Ren rubbed the tension from his face, feeling the stubble of his incoming beard.

_What a disaster._


	24. Long Talks

Rey sat on the durasteel floor, the cool of the metal seeping through her jumpsuit and into her skin. Her muscles were still frozen in a state of shock and disbelief. She kept staring at the door with unseeing awareness, her inner focus replaying the events that led to barricading herself in the room.

Every molecule that made up her unpredictable life was reeling, clawing itself into her bloodstream like a poison that wanted to claim her rationality. All her thoughts were a jumbled mess, none of them making any sense to her. With her cries spent and her shaking subsided, all she could do was sit and watch the smooth door through swollen eyes.

Memories of being on Jakku kept plaguing her, reminding her just how utterly alone she had been, how alone she soon will be. _Dump. Ditch. Dispose. Throw out. Discard._ All the different synonyms for the word 'abandon' ran through her mind, for she had learned them all through the various books she'd read while growing up...

...alone...

...on Jakku...

...in her own personal hell.

Confusion hit her as she thought of Ben and what he'd done for her. He spared her life on Ahch-To and wept while apologizing, not hiding his torrential anguish. On Spira, he was gentle with her, making her feel like a woman for the first time in her life. And that kiss… gods, she felt him _wanting_ her.

Then, when Snoke had trapped her and she was dying, he came for her. He had taken the risk of being imprisoned in her mind to save her, to teach her the necessary ways of escaping. And when they finally were able to face each other and talk, he told her he was leaving her?

Rey didn't understand.

She knew how much he wanted to stay with her. She had sensed it over a thousand times since they'd been together. But out in the forest, he changed his mind about her and it had been lightening quick. One heartbeat, he had wanted to be with her, and then the next, it was gone. Over. Dead. Finished.

_How can someone just decide something like that so quickly?_

And he didn't even ask for her opinion, just said he was going to leave – that the Force wills it and that was that. Everything seemed to revolve around this omnipotent, mystical energy Rey still didn't really comprehend. She had spent, what, five minutes practicing with the Force and Ben just expects her to _feel_ it tell her something? Maybe if she had meditated instead of napped on Ahch-To in an effort to see Ben, she would be more in tune with the universe. But no, her worry had outweighed her need to learn.

There had to be something wrong with her that made everyone want to ditch her. Was her aura off putting? Did her personality repulse people? What was it!?

Abruptly, she stood, teetering as the blood rushed from her head and into her legs. She breathed as her body adjusted to the sudden movement. The walls of the ship were closing in on her and she was very much in need of the openness of the wild. Her legs brought her to the door, but she faltered before unlocking it. Scenarios of running into Poe, or worse, Ben, played through her head. Rey was still immensely embarrassed over them witnessing her act like an indignant child. Well, Poe more than Ben. He was leaving her, so why should she care what he thought?

 _I heard him enter his room a little while ago, or was it hours ago? How long have I been in here?_ She decided to take her chances and opened the door.

The hallway was dim, evidence that the ship was in low power mode for the night. She stole a glance at Ben's door before proceeding to creep through the quiet passageways. Once in the cargo bay, she was elated to see that the ramp was still down. It would've made way too much noise if it had to be lowered again.

There was something so peaceful, so secretive about wandering around in the darkness. She felt hidden away from the problems that threatened to consume her. Even though she'd always thrived in the light of day, the twilight always held a special place in her heart.

She kept her simple stroll close to the wreckage of Maz's castle. The destruction reminded her of when her life had been spiraling out of control and how everything had changed once she met Kylo Ren in the forest.

_Did that really happen to me?_

She had changed so much since then; she wondered if it was for the better.

The air was just below the threshold of being comfortable, but the cold was welcoming on her creamy skin. Her legs guided her across big chunks of disfigured rocks, letting her climb to the top of a large mound. Craning her head up, she took in the glowing twin moons that painted the sky in a silver light. The brightness allowed only a few stars to shine through, but Rey was fine with having only the moons for company. The sun and the moon; one of the few things in her life she could always count on being there.

"It's a little late for a stroll… or is it too early? I guess it depends on your perspective." Maz was climbing up to Rey's position, not taking the time to ask if it was all right to join her.

After Rey had awoken from Snoke's carefully crafted trap, she had briefly spoken to Maz. She'd been more driven to be outside than to stay in the castle's basement, and Maz seemed to have been fine with not talking with Rey immediately. If anyone had patience, it would be an alien who was a thousand years old.

"The ship felt a little too crowded," Rey offered as an explanation.

Maz made it to the top and stood next to Rey, peering at the moons with her.

"Well, then, being outside is the perfect remedy." Rey nodded. A brief shuffling noise came from the small humanoid and Rey glanced down to see Maz sitting on the grey stone. Rey definitely towered over her now, so she sat down out of a sense of politeness.

"It would seem you and I are not the only ones who can't sleep tonight," Maz said. Rey gave her a questioning look. "Poe is in the underground hangar, working on the light freighter I gave him." _Oh…_ "He told me about the argument on the ship, between you and Ben." Poe was proving to be not the most discreet person. _He must like listening to the sound of his own voice…._ "Ben is leaving, then?"

Rey exhaled. "Yep," was all she managed to say.

"You don't agree with his decision?"

 _Agree_ … peculiar word choice. Rey did not like the decision, but agree with it? She began to think over the reasoning Ben had given her, but it all seemed to pale in comparison to how she felt.

Maz interpreted Rey's silence, knowing that the subject was still too fresh of a wound to pick at.

Her core tightened, alarming her to the bundle of emotions threatening to overtake her again. After crying liters of tears, her eyes still had more to give.

 _Don't cry. You are done crying_ , she scolded herself.

"You've been through a lot since we last spoke," Maz observed.

A lot didn't seem to cover it. "I guess."

"The belonging you sought for… it would seem you have found it."

Rey chose to glare at the moon instead of showing flagrant disrespect toward Maz. "I haven't found anything." She needed to work on her harsh tone, though.

"Denying the truth will only make moving forward that much harder. I know fate when I see it." Rey lowered her sight, taking in the shimmering ripples across the formidable lake.

Fate. The last time she was here she had thought she knew what that meant. "I thought finding Luke and training to be a Jedi was where I needed to be, but you were wrong. I never truly belonged there."

"I never told you your path was to find Luke. You were the one who interpreted it that way."

Rey turned to Maz. "But… you didn't correct me when I said it."

The woman chuckled nimbly. "I do not know everything, Rey. I told you what the Force was impressing upon me at the time. It was up to you to understand the meaning."

_The meaning. What was the meaning?_

To belong somewhere was a fantasy she'd always entertained in her mind, like it was a home she could grow old in. She thought her home would be a physical place because that's what they were and hers would be no different. It would have a door that would open into a lovely room, filled with furniture, books, and happy memories. The roof over her head would provide her shelter and the walls would encompass her with the promise of safety.

Now, though, she realized her home didn't exist in a place, but a person. "I – I think I do understand. I've known for quite some time, but I guess I'm too afraid to truly accept it."

"What have you known?" Maz inquired.

"Ben. Him and I somehow… _belong_ together," she whispered.

"Dear child, you've always wanted a family and someone to love you. Not just as a friend, but as a woman. There is nothing wrong with wanting these things, and do not feel guilty for wanting it from Ben. And you can have it – all of it. Through Ben, you can have everything you have ever yearned for, and more."

Life had never been that simple to her. "But, the person he was and might still be… the horrible things he's done…"

Maz sighed into the night. "Yes, the atrocities he's committed under the name Kylo Ren will plague you both, for a time. But I need you to know something." Maz twisted her small frame so she could better see Rey. "I have known Ben since he was just a baby. When he was a boy, Han would bring him here sometimes, even though Leia never wanted him to. With every visit, I could sense the Dark side shrouding him more and more." Rey grew intrigued, wanting to learn more about who Ben once was.

"While here, Ben would never stay by his father's side for long. He rather liked exploring the forest or sitting in a corner, observing all the different creatures that roamed my castle. The boy never noticed, but I would watch him when he did this." Maz paused briefly, thinking back on those times in her castle. "The way he would stare at others… was disturbing. His eyes were soulless, but filled to the brim with entertainment. I think even at such a young age, he imagined what it would be like to take a life, regardless of how innocent they were. He fantasized about power." This was not the direction Rey thought the story would go. "The Dark side has always been strong with him, even when he was a baby and couldn't decipher between right and wrong. I tried explaining this to Han, but he wouldn't listen. He didn't like to acknowledge the ways of the Force."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Maz clucked her tongue, looking for the proper explanation. "The way he handled you in the basement – carrying you close and placing you on the table with gentleness – made me see a side of him I never thought was there."

Now, Rey was curious. "What did you see?"

"I'll let him tell you that, but he cares for you deeply. I never thought I would see that in his eyes. Not ever. The only other person that came close to invoking such an emotion from him was his mother, but with you, it was there as clear as the rising sun. He did not try to hide it out of embarrassment or out of fear of looking weak. He wore it freely, not caring if anyone noticed." Ren viewed sentiment as a weakness, this Rey knew. But he hadn't been ashamed to show his feelings for her, and that made Rey shiver.

Maz's voice cut through her attention. "You two are stronger together, always remember that."

 _But we aren't going to be together anymore…_ "It doesn't matter. He's leaving me." The bitterness in her voice surprised her and sounded foreign.

"Do not take the decision he's made personally. And from what Poe told me, the separation isn't intended to be long. Did he explain to you his reasons for leaving?"

"Something about always being controlled by other people and not knowing who he was anymore." _Has his whole life really been controlled by others?_ She contemplated the question. _If Snoke has been with him since he was born, then yes, his life has never been his own._ Rey unwillingly felt sympathy for him.

"This time alone… he needs this. And so do you," Maz said carefully. "He is right to get away from those who can manipulate him."

Rey snapped. "I am not manipulating him!" The words fanned out across the lake and into the forest.

Maz remained poised in light of Rey's outburst. "Maybe you are and you don't even know it. Either way, he needs to find himself on his own or else he will never truly change." Rey brought her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and resting her chin on her knees. Her lips started to quiver and suddenly, she was that little girl again, being dropped off on Jakku.

"The fear you have over being abandoned, you must let it go."

"I can't," Rey choked out.

Maz placed her small hand on Rey's shoulder, offering her comfort in the form of a mild squeeze. "I understand. Fear is a hard thing to relinquish, but a girl as young as you should not be tethered to such emotions. You must promise me you will work at overcoming it, yes?"

Rey nodded, purposely not making eye contact with the perceptive woman.

As Rey calmed, one thing struck her as peculiar. "Why do you seem fine with him being out in the galaxy, alone?" she asked. "You know what he's done, and I would think you would try to stop him from at least leaving."

"Me? Stop Ben? I understand and listen to the Force, but I could never fight him with it."

"But aren't you worried he might go back to the First Order? To… Snoke?"

"Yes, but this is a very important time in his life. He'll truly be alone, with no one to influence his decisions. What he chooses during this time will show you exactly who he desires to be."

"What if he chooses Snoke? That _thing_ has been influencing him his whole life and I've only been with Ben for a handful of days. What am I supposed to do if he doesn't return?" Her eyes were darting all over Maz's orange features, desperately seeking an answer to her troubling questions.

"You are a very strong woman. I think you know what you would do if he chose to go back to his master."

Even though her sanity would pay the price, she wouldn't be able to allow him to become that monster again. That decision was a hard choice to swallow.

"Rey, if things ever go that way, you know you can come to me. I'll help you in whatever way I can. Just know you will always have a place here. A place to hide… from him, if need be."

Maz's offer gave Rey enough solace to not be consumed by her dread. "Thank you."

Maz patted her shoulder before resting it on the stone. "You should go spend as much time with him as possible, before he goes. Just tell him that he cannot escape the conversation I still need to have with him."

Ben would no doubt try to find a way out of that situation. "What are you going to say to him?"

"Well, it won't go as smoothly as this conversation. Nor will I be as kind. That boy needs a firm lecture, which is something his parents never gave him." The mention of his parents made Rey think of Han and how he had offered her a job aboard the Falcon. She clung to that memory and how it made her feel flattered.

"Han…" Maz's stare seemed long and distant as she muttered her friends name. "I felt the moment he died, you know. I knew that Ben had been the one to kill him. Can you – would you be willing to tell me what happened? I sense in your emotions that you witnessed it."

"I did," Rey whispered. The last time she described the traumatizing scene was when she was on Ahch-To, which wasn't that long ago. Could she recall the event to Maz without sounding like she was on the verge of shattering into a thousand sharp pieces? A corner of her mind was nudging her, trying to tell her that Maz not only wanted to satiate her curiosity, but to also talk about it with Ben. He would never explain to Maz what transpired on that bridge, but Rey would tell her the truth. Not just about what she saw, but also about the dream she had from Han's perspective.

The tale that left her lips was easier to illustrate this time, and that made Rey shift with discomfort. Since when did death become so easily to describe? It was like a part of herself was starting to forgive Ben for what he'd taken from her, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to embrace that feeling or not. It was more comfortable to hold onto her grudge than to let it go.

Rey recognized that as the dark side and it frightened her with how she wanted to welcome it, rather than run from it.

"You're still angry with him for killing his father," Maz stated more than questioned.

"I don't know how not to be. You should've seen what he did. He wasn't wearing his mask, and his face had this relief to it that was sickening as he rammed the saber into Han's chest. He even thanked him. _Thanked_ him!"

"But you said he instantly regretted the act he committed... after Han fell."

Rey inhaled through her nose and exhaled out of her mouth, calming her rising anger. "He did, but Han's still dead. It doesn't matter how much Ben regrets it; it'll never bring him back."

"If there is even a sliver of the Ben I knew somewhere inside him, he'll find a way to punish himself for it. And he'll make it as painful and as dragged out as possible."

Rey scoffed, watching her hot breath disappear into the cold air. "I don't know how much good that'll do him. He's a sadist, and I even suspect a masochist. He enjoys pain way too much."

"From Snoke's doing, I'm sure." Maz added.

Slowly, Rey shook her head. "I don't know. Even if Snoke never came into his life, there are some characteristics about him that I think he'd still have."

"Perhaps… But in my thousand years of life, I've come to realize that it's a waste of time to focus on the "what ifs" and the "maybes". The Light side of Force is the only thing that will guide you. It will always be your ally, never an enemy. Besides, we aren't sure what Ben's training entailed while being Snoke's apprentice. It would've involved breaking him, that's for sure. That is what the Dark side does." Rey never put much thought into what exactly Ben's training had been and it made her uncomfortable to even think about it. One day, though, she would need to find out.

Maz continued her narrative, letting her hands become animated as she spoke. "The Dark side waits for you to seek it, to grow curious of its strength. It grows stronger and more insidious the closer your drawn to it. It begs you to surrender, to release all its terrible power… and it becomes harder and harder to resist. Do not dip into it. Always fight it." Maz stared at Rey beseechingly. "You'll be tested immensely, Rey, and it won't be from where you expect. Remember that the power the Dark side promises you is an illusion. When it uses you to fulfill its purposes, it will cast you aside – drained and disfigured." Maz's tone was personal and faraway, remembering a time in her life that was full of anguish. Rey didn't pry, knowing that people had a right to their own well of secrets.

"Go. Find Ben. You'll regret not spending time with him when you easily had the chance."

Rey's eyes roamed across the broken stones and water. "You'll be fine if I leave you alone?"

Maz grinned tenderly. "My dear, I am not alone. I have the remnants of my castle to keep me company."

With a grateful smile and a timid goodbye, Rey started her journey back to the ship. For the first time in hours, she opened their connection and found Ben's side to be completely open. It was strange how she was the one who preferred to remain guarded, while he rarely closed himself off from her.

Ben was in the early stages of sleep, tossing and turning in his small bed aboard the ship. Rey made her way to his room, surprised to find it unlocked. He'd left it that way as an invitation for her to come inside when she was ready to face him.

 _Breathe in. Breathe out_.

She was not going to succumb to the childish outbursts she had exhibited earlier. His decision had been made and Maz was right: she should spend the remaining time they had together.

The door opened upon her command, casting the dim light of the hallway into the dark room. Ben was sprawled out on his stomach, his arms wrapped around the white pillow beneath his head. He was still in his dark clothes from earlier and the paleness of his uncovered feet stuck out against the black attire. Lightly, she took a step inside, hiding the sound of her movements.

His eyes popped open behind his loose strands of hair, but his body remained still. Rey froze, not knowing how appropriate it was to be in there. With him. In the dark. Alone. _I should have thought this through more._

"Stay," his rough voice implored. His request was a snare unto her resolve and dug decisively through her defenses as it reeled her in. The door slid closed behind her – not by her command, but his – and draped the room into darkness. Neither spoke as she willed her heavy feet to take her to the bed. With her arms outstretched, she felt the cold bunk railing come against her palms. She took off her boots and sat down at the edge, unsure of to what to do next.

Rey heard him move and then felt his long arm snake around her waist, causing every inch of her skin to immediately flush. Gently, he pulled her further in, pressing her back against his midsection. His arms wrapped around her and she rested her head against his defined bicep.

They remained like that for a while: her body curled into his and his breath fanning into her hair. She would've thought him asleep if he weren't nuzzling against her neck every few minutes.

"I just got back from speaking with Maz. She's expecting to talk with you before you go." Ben didn't acknowledge Rey, but kept burrowing into her. "She asked... about Han and I told her what I saw..."

He paused a fraction of a second before continuing.

"Mmmmm…" he inhaled. "Your hair smells amazing. What did you do to it?" Stars, his voice was deep… and intimate.

"I had it washed in Khalon." She chuckled quietly, deciding to get lost in the feel of him. "I never knew such a place existed. At first I thought how ridiculous it all looked, but then I had my hair done and I could see why people pay for stuff like that. You really like it that much?"

He nodded against her. "Mmm hmm. I should go back to Khalon and get whatever they used."

Rey played along. "Well, now I don't regret paying for it if you like it that much."

"Technically, I paid for it, but it was money well spent." His fingers were running through her delicate hair and she could feel his fingernails glide across her scalp, making the hairs on her arms stand up. "Tell me more about your time in the city. You must've had fun since you didn't want to leave."

"I was having fun, until you, the bounty hunter, and one of your knights showed up."

A jolt made his body twitch. "My knights? One of them was there?"

"Yeah, but I fought him off with your lightsaber."

Ben was momentarily speechless. "You – you used my saber?" 

"Uh... yes. It was weird and heavy, but I was able to get the skill of how to use it from your mind. If I hadn't, I probably would've cut my hand off. That weapon is hardly practical."

He smirked against her hair. "You have to adapt your fighting style with the lateral vents." She chuckled at his obvious statement. "I wish I'd been there to see you wield it." Something about the way he said that made a tremor shoot through her body. The sensation was… welcoming.

"Rey?"

"Yes?

"Where was your lightsaber?"

 _Damn_.

"I had nowhere to hide it so... I didn't bring it. But I learned my lesson and will now have it with me wherever I go. All right? No need to lecture me." She spewed the sentence out quickly, not in the mood for a chastisement.

"Okay," was all he said.

That went… smoother than she thought it would go, thank the Force.

Getting back on topic, she continued to speak of the fight and her adventure through the city as they quickly fell into a comfortable rhythm. He listened, his interest genuinely piqued, and asked her questions so he could visualize everything she did, especially when it came to the duel. He praised her for winning, even if she did technically 'cheat' by copying his knowledge.

Her shopping excursion didn't hold his attention like the duel had, which she figured would happen. She moved onto the food she had enjoyed, describing the taste of the miniature apple pie. Her mouth began to water as she spoke, but Ben didn't hold the same affection for the dessert like she did.

"You don't like fruit pies?" she asked as she twisted around, his hold on her slackening so she could scoot back slightly. He took his arm out from under her, but his left remained draped over her waist.

"Not really. I don't like the taste of the fruit. Too bitter, and the warm texture is weird and off-putting. I always ate the sugary crust, though. That part I liked. It would always drive my mother crazy when I ate the crust off of the pie before anyone else could have some." Ben tensed, realizing that he just talked about his family in such a nonchalant way. His emotions were rapidly firing, warning him that he was close to an edge he did not want to fall from. Abruptly, he closed himself off from her.

Rey reached up, placing her open palm on his face, feeling the incoming of his facial hair. "Don't hide yourself. I'd like to hear more about your life, before it all… changed. I've told you about my time on Jakku. At this point, I feel like you know more about me than I do about you."

Her thumb stroked the part of his cheek below his eye as he took a moment to mule over her appeal. "My life, before all this…. I try not to think about it. It wasn't as happy as you might think."

"But you had a mother and a father, something I never had. Surely, you have one happy memory from your childhood."

"My parents are trivial, and just because I wasn't left on a barren planet, doesn't mean I didn't undergo a different form of abandonment," he cut at her. Her thumb paused, but she kept her hand on his face. She knew his sharp outburst was a reaction to being in an uncomfortable situation, so she tried not to take it personally.

Still, his comment sliced deep.

After a few tense moments of silence, he exhaled, grabbing her hand that rested on his cheek. He didn't tear it away, but instead rested his palm against her skin. "I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry," he murmured. Was it really too much to ask of him to recount his childhood?

 _Maybe the happy memories were just as bad as the unpleasant ones_ , she thought. _Maybe the joyous moments make it all seem too real to him._

Ben cleared his throat, pulling her attention away from analyzing him. "I do remember this one time, when I was eleven… I wanted to go to this traveling science museum when it came to the city and my… mother… promised to take me, but bailed when the Senate called her." He stopped, making Rey wonder if this was the whole of the happy memory he was recounting.

"Uh, Ben? This doesn't sound very pleasant…" She wanted him to focus on happier times, not the bad. He pulled her hand down to his chest, intertwining his fingers with hers. His grip was firm, which reciprocated to her how uneasy he'd become. Her eyes were starting to adjust to the small amount of light the door operating panel gave to the room, allowing her to see Ben's face.

He was nervous.

"Oh, it is. The ending is good, it's just…" Again, he fell silent. His muscles were tense, like they would break from the slightest pressure. _What is going on?_ "I remember going to school that day, angry and wanting to be alone. I had only been sitting in my first class for five minutes when my… when Han suddenly showed up. He wasn't supposed to be there. He had this race going on and shouldn't have been back till the latter part of the year. When he found out Leia had cancelled our excursion, he came home to take me to the exhibit. He pulled me out of class and we headed straight there."

Rey closed her eyes, visualizing an excited young Ben seeing his father after a long period of absence. It was a good picture, a _real_ picture.

"I never could understand what made him ditch his precious race to spend the day with me," Ben continued. "It never made sense, but I didn't try to question him about it. I just went along, pretending like we did that sort of thing all the time. And for once, he didn't look at me indifferently or like I was a freak. It was like I was a normal kid." She adjusted her legs, feeling his feet against her arches. Even through her thick socks, the coldness of his toes trickled into her skin. "He tried to act interested as he followed me around, but science didn't fascinate him like it did me. When we got toward the back of the exhibit, I forgot to tell him that there was going to be... well, some graphic content on display. One look and he immediately proceeded to vomit all over this older lady in front of us. Almost got us kicked out." Ben was smiling; she could hear it in his tone. As he took in a deep breath, Rey wanted to try and get into his mind to see exactly what he was reliving. She wasn't sure she could make such a technique work, but she was more than eager to test it out. But, she didn't – and not because she thought it would be difficult to accomplish. The revelations he chose to share with her freely were more precious than anything she could take from him.

"I think after that, he thought he ruined the trip somehow, so he tried to cheer me up by buying me a bunch of stuff I didn't need. I didn't stop him or tell him that his company was enough…. " With his smile now gone from his tone, he solemnly said, "That museum was one of the rare times I remember being purely happy. It was also the last time my… he and I did something together." The last statement hung in the air, swallowing up every ounce of joy it could devour and leaving behind only despair in its wake.

Rey's heart lurched, knowing that Ben's thoughts were now playing over that day he met his father on the bridge. She knew it was impossible, but how she wished she could go back in time. So many things she would change.

The few moments Ben had been silent were now stretching into several minutes. Her right hand trembled as she found his cheek, feeling the warm tears that were quietly cascading over his rough skin. She kept her animosity over Han's death at bay, trying instead to focus on the remorse rippling off of Ben's aura. The sorrow was all-encompassing and Rey decided to keep the conversation alive in hopes of relieving some of the pain.

She cleared her throat. "What graphic things were there? In the museum?"

Her question brought him back to the present as his hand rose to wipe his face. He quickly grabbed her hand once he was done. "You will think me strange if I say."

Rey frowned. "Cause I don't think you strange already?"

He chuckled through his nose. "Good point. The things on display were cadavers."

"Cadavers?" The word sounded familiar, but she didn't know its meaning.

"A corpse."

_What?_

"What? They had dead bodies laying around the museum? Who in their right mind would want to look at something like that?" Then she realized the one person who would want to was in bed with her. What fascinated Ben was really… strange.

 _I can see why Han was not too thrilled for that part of the museum_.

Ben laughed at Rey's shocked reaction. "No, it's not like that. Cadavers are used in scientific and medical research, and their bodies have chemicals in them to keep them from decaying. The museum had human and humanoid ones on display, so you could see muscles, nerves, and organs. They all –" She could sense his growing excitement at explaining the odd practice to her, so she was alarmed when he suddenly stopped talking.

"You can keep telling me about it. I'm listening; I swear." Honestly, the subject made her stomach roll in discomfort, but Ben sounded so normal, that she didn't want him to stop. She sensed that in that moment, he was more like the person he used to be, and that recognition made her soar with delight.

His toes curled up, tickling her feet and causing her to twitch. "I know you're listening. Even if what I say disturbs you."

She shrugged awkwardly against the bed. "I've heard you speak of worse things." The Jedi academy came to her thoughts, taking her ease down a few notches.

"That you have," he uttered softly. He brought their intertwined hands up to his face and brushed her skin against his lips. "Do you know why science fascinated me so much?" He asked, his warm breath washing over the back of her hand.

"No," was all Rey could respond with, her mind focusing on just feeling.

"I wanted to be a doctor."

Her eyes widened. "Really?"

Ben smiled against her skin. "You seem surprised."

She definitely was surprised, which she now realized could be perceived as sort of an insult. "Well, it's just…" her sentenced teetered off into the darkness.

He squeezed her hand. "You can be honest with me."

_Okay._

"Aren't doctors supposed to be, I don't know…. Compassionate people?" Thankfully, Ben did not take offense to her statement, but chose to heartily laugh instead.

He lowered their hands and caressed his thumb against her skin. "I used to be a very different person, but I always struggled with having compassion for others. My desire to be a doctor stemmed from the enjoyment I would receive from studying medicine. I would usually fake the caring part."

Rey saw the fallacy in that statement. "Well, you cared enough to fake it. So I could argue that you actually did care for other people."

Ren blinked and Rey waited to see if he agreed with her assessment. "That… is an apt statement. _You_ are a very smart person, you know that?"

Now _that_ sounded ridiculous. Especially coming from him. "Not as smart as you, I'd wager," she timidly said.

"Why do you say that?"

"The way you talk sometimes shows that you're highly educated."

He froze, but found his voice rather quickly. "Highly educated? Rey, I stopped going to school when I was shipped off to the academy. I was only thirteen."

"But didn't they have classes at the academy?"

"They taught basic subjects, but I was so far ahead of all the other students that I never went to them. I studied on my own, teaching myself the things I wanted to know."

She chewed at her lower lip anxiously. Well, he still had some form of education while she clearly didn't. "Ben?"

"Hmm?"

"I never went to school." Shame filled her words as she revealed that embarrassing truth.

"I know," he replied politely.

Of course he knew. Anyone with a brain would know there was no such thing as a school on Jakku. But still, she had to confess it. "Do you think less of me… because of it?"

"What?!" Rey nearly jumped from his booming voice. "Rey, no. No, I don't." His intonation lowered to a more acceptable level, one you didn't want to cover your ears from. He shifted back slightly so Rey could look at him. "Never think that about yourself, okay? You had to teach yourself everything and I find that incredibly inspiring. It would've been so easy for you to give up and put all your focus into surviving, but your thirst for knowledge drove you to learn when it wasn't necessary – when it wouldn't have given you an edge over the other scavengers."

Stars, he didn't understand how much she needed to hear that. "So, one of the reasons you're leaving isn't because you view me as a lowly scavenger?"

In one quick motion, his body pressed up against hers as he released her hand and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Her temple was pressed against his chest, allowing her a way to breathe while in his smothering embrace.

"No. You're my equal, Rey. Where you come from matters little to me. It's who you are that I care about."

 _Who I am_ …. She would've given anything for someone to say these things to her when she was younger. And now, someone finally was.

She'd found her other half where it shouldn't have been possible.

His scent wafted into her nose: a mixture of soap, sweat, and something sweet. She had nothing to compare it to, but that's what she liked. This new scent was all Ben, an identity that her nose would not soon forget. But now that he was leaving, maybe she would… "If I asked you to stay, would you?" The question came from her lungs before she could think properly. While she had enjoyed lying there and pretending tomorrow was never going to happen, she couldn't hold it off any longer.

"Yes," he said with gravity. "I wouldn't have the strength to tell you no, but please, don't ask me."

With one simple command, she could make him stay with her. The control she held in this moment was astounding, especially since it was over him. Her mouth opened, drawing air into her lungs to give the request upon its exhale, but then, she faltered. His voice...the plea... it sounded like he was truly begging her not to ask, and fearful that she actually would.

For a man who seemed so sure of his path hours ago, he was now faltering with his choices, all because of her. _No, I can't do this to him. I can't take this away from him_.

Maz's words came to mind, beckoning her to remember what she had felt throughout their conversation. "You should go," she flatly stated.

Somehow, he squeezed her closer. "I can't leave until you understand the reasoning behind my decision."

"I do understand and it does make sense. I just – It's hard for me to let you go when I just found you. I wish we had more time to spend with each other."

"We could've had more time…" he murmured under his breath. The sentence was full of venom, but it wasn't directed at her. She pulled back, needing to speak to him face to face.

"What do you mean?"

The following tale was hard to fathom. He spoke of finding the girl in her mind, not hiding his hatred toward the unknown being. The bond Rey thought she formed from her amateurish attempt at blocking Ben out had actually been formed by this girl – the one that was apparently inside her somehow.

 _Can the Force just do this to people's lives_?

Rey felt violated and powerless from having a destiny forced upon her when all she wanted was a family and to feel wanted. And Ben's fall was necessary? Rey wanted to find this girl and strike her across the face for toying with her life, and his. She didn't ask for this, so why did this have to happen to her?

The way Ben relayed the information sounded like they shared the same sentiments.

Rey remained silent for a few moments, collecting her wits and analyzing Ben's account. "Are you sure she isn't lying? I mean, who knows what her agenda is."

Ben's hair ruffled against the pillow as he shook his head. "No, she's telling the truth. I could sense it. And too many things make sense that didn't before."

"What didn't make sense before?"

"Well..." He went silent, a certain pressure building up inside of him. He was uncomfortable, with a tinge of embarrassment mixed into his ambiance. Much to her disapproval, Ben released her hand and flattened onto his back, the distance between them warning her that something was amiss. So many things she still did not know about him. Would she ever find out his secrets? Or will he take them to his grave?

Rey scooted closer, feeling his warmth radiate into her. Finally, he spoke. "When I saw you for the first time, scared and trying to get away from me, I couldn't help but be immediately drawn to you." Ever since waking up on Takodana, that event had cycled through her mind on repeat. Now, she realized, Ben was explaining his side of what he experienced that day. To say she was absolutely entranced by what he was saying was an understatement. Rey's astute attention hung on his every word.

"I know you didn't feel the same," he added softly.

"Uh, no. I definitely didn't feel drawn to you in the slightest. Your attire kinda made that impossible." Ben chuckled, which irked her. Her statement was not supposed to come across as a joke.

Somehow, even though the bond was closed, he still picked up on her annoyance. "Sorry. It's just... my battle attire is meant to intimidate, but I think if you saw me in it now, you'd probably outright laugh at me."

 _No_ , she inwardly disagreed. While she wasn't afraid of Ben, that mask still made her cringe with fear and animosity. No need for him to know that, however.

She prayed she would never have to see him in that mask again.

"Anyway," he said on an exhale, "once I Force stunned you, I was able to get a good look at you. You were so…" he trailed off.

"So what?" Rey nudged.

"Beautiful."

 _Excuse me_?

Rey lifted her upper body from the mattress, resting her weight on her left arm. "Beautiful? Beautiful?!" Anger laced her voice, causing Ben to stir in confusion.

"You can't seriously be upset with what I just said. I gave you a compliment."

"You do realize you're talking about me when I was absolutely helpless, at my most vulnerable, and completely terrified of you, right?" She spat back at him. "And you found that beautiful?"

His eyes almost popped out of their sockets. "Whoa, whoa, whoa… I wasn't talking about the whole situation; I was speaking purely on a superficial level. The contour of your face, the shape of you body – that sort of thing. Your outward fear I didn't find attractive, okay?"

Rey was not completely convinced. "I thought you liked seeing fear in others."

He sighed. "You're a different case. At the time, I ignored your discomfort so I could focus on finding the map."

 _Ugh, that map_. Rey hated that map.

She gave him one more skeptical stare before relaxing back down onto the bed. "Okay." Now, his comments began to properly hit her ears and she digested his them with a sounder mind. _Beautiful. He thinks I'm beautiful. And what he said about my body.._. "So, you find me attractive?" Rey asked innocently, not sure if it was an appropriate question to ask someone. It sounded way too straight forward and inviting.

He turned to her, resting his head on his bent arm. "You know I do," he said with not an ounce of shame in his voice or face. "Now, shall I continue with my story, or would you like me to shower you with more compliments?"

"Please, continue, but I'll be expecting the showering of compliments later," she jested, trying to reverse the edgy atmosphere. Ben gave her that big, goofy grin she liked so much, which he tamed down into a more casual smile as he spoke.

"When I looked into your mind, I saw something… something that felt so familiar."

"Was it the girl?"

"No. This felt oddly like a part of myself was with you, and I didn't understand how something like that was possible. I've studied so much about the Force, but none of my knowledge could explain what I had stumbled upon."

Rey knew, though. "The Force bond. That's what you found."

"Yeah, and looking back on it now, it should've been obvious. So you see, the girl spoke only the truth about you and me. The bond has been there your whole life, and for a part of mine."

The stubborn side of Rey was having a hard time letting the last of her doubts go. "Wouldn't you feel something like that form, though? I mean, you were ten, old enough to know when something felt different to you."

He shrugged. "There were signs, but I never would've been able to interpret it for what it was. I was gifted in the Force, but not _that_ gifted at the time." Again, she sensed his discomfort. What is he hiding?

"What were the signs?"

Ben glanced away from her momentarily, looking at the bunk above, like he could find the words flashing on the metal railings. "How about I tell you when we see each other again? It will give you something to look forward to."

"Seeing you again is plenty to look forward to." _To push, or back off_ , Rey thought. If she pushed him too hard, he would get defensive, just like earlier. "You just don't want to tell me right now, is that it?"

His eyes remained up top. "I'll tell you... one day."

 _Choose your battles, Rey. There are other things you need to discuss_. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow, sometime. Maybe the morning."

She chewed at the inside of her cheek, nervous to ask her request. "There is one thing I want you to do for me, before you go."

At this, he glued his eyes to her. "Anything."

"Teach me how to swim, without the distractions this time."

His demeanor changed lightening quick as he gazed at her in a lively manner. "Mmmm… But I like distractions. "

That voice was low and seductive and if Rey had been standing, her knees would have gone weak. She did her best to act serious, all the while feeling her heart race. "Well, I would really like to learn how to swim this time around." Thank the Force her voice didn't falter.

Ben inched closer. He bit his upper lip and Rey's mouth parted involuntarily. "If I remember correctly, you were the one who grew curious. You kissed me, I was just an innocent bystander."

 _Remain calm, remain calm_. "Innocent," she croaked out. "What a load of bantha fodder." Her jest had sizzled out to a whisper and her breathing became hard.

He coyly smiled, taking satisfaction in how he was obviously affecting her. "Rey?"

"Hmmm?"

With his smile faded, his eyes scoured her soul and peered right at the truth of her. "Do you regret kissing me?"

Admittedly, kissing him made things more complicated. That memory made her want more from Ben, physically and emotionally. How would other people take the news of their odd and undefined relationship? _Not well_ , she thought. But others opinions aside, did she regret it? "No." _No, I don't_. "Do you?"

"Never," he curtly answered.

She gulped. "Just don't let anything like that happen during the lesson. I really don't want to be afraid of the water anymore." The pounding of his heartbeat was on her palm and she could feel his hard, powerful chest. _Wait – how did my hand get there?_ She all but glared at her hand for betraying her self control.

Ben noticed her faltering and found it entertaining. "I'll behave if you will, how about that?"

"I guess that's as close to a promise I'll get out of you, huh?" Geez, her voice was shaky.

"Yep." Those long fingers glided up her forearm, caressing its way up to her shoulder, causing her flesh to catch fire from his sensual touch. Without her armbands, her skin was completely at his disposal.

If she tried to leave the bed, she might fall over from how weak her legs felt. "Is it okay if I stay here with you tonight?"

His fingers weaved into her hair and paused on the back of her head. "Were you under the impression I was going to let you leave?"

Her smile was impossible to thwart. "Am I your prisoner now?"

"I wouldn't say prisoner. More like… my guest." His grin stretched from ear to ear and Rey laughed into the still air. Yeah, she recalled where he last used that line.

It might have been too soon to joke about that particular situation, but her body wouldn't allow her to think too hard about it. All its focus was on feeling; not the past. "You like being sarcastic, don't you?" she queried. Slowly, his smile shrank down into a straight line as his eyes lost their playful sparkle.

_Did I say something wrong again?_

With furrowed brows and a far away look, he said, "I used to be a very sarcastic person. A long time ago."

"You still are. Trust me, Ben." He nodded, but the glint of humor didn't return.

Rey burrowed into him, causing him to relax against her. She was cocooned in his arms, the only place she felt warm and safe. The thuds of his heart and the breath in his lungs resonated in her ear, making her lips stretch into a content smile. She always wanted this: the warmth of another body beside her, the strength of having someone care.

Ben's chin rested at the crown of her head and he exhaled deeply before speaking. "Since you won't allow any distractions tomorrow, can I… kiss you before you go to sleep?" The reaction throughout her body was instantaneous. With the eruption of heat from her core and the tingly sensation in her fingers and toes, she pulled her head back, arching up as he locked his dark eyes with hers. His desire for her was crackling through the air, and even though Rey was tempted to know the full extent of his feelings by opening their connection, she resisted. She was too afraid his passions would overwhelm her.

No words came from her mouth, but Ben didn't need any to know her answer. Slowly, he closed the distance between their mouths, pressing the softest of kisses on her lips.

How gently he came to her. Even with his bulk and his power, he came to her… gently. Her want for him was not quantifiable, but rested deep down within her in a place impossible to compute. It was something incorporeal, but absolute. Just as some people were drawn to earthquakes, monsoons, or lightening, Rey liked that indefinable – but powerful – feeling Ben gave her.

The kiss was chaste and sweet, like something two familiar lovers would share in the comfort of their own world. Ben pulled back, the taste of his breath cascading over her tongue. She needed more – she needed her tongue dipping into his mouth, her skin pressed against his, and her hands to travel to places deemed secretive and inappropriate. Surely, he could sense those wants from her.

Ben kissed her forehead and guided her head back against his broad chest. "You're not ready to go there, Rey. And neither am I. Not yet." She sighed, the logic of the situation overriding her emotions. Going that far would only complicate things further, but was it wrong that part of her didn't care?

"Go to sleep," he whispered.

"I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"When I wake, it will be tomorrow. And tomorrow, you leave."

He gave her no response as he held her close. Rey was trying to sear the feel of him into her mind so she could call upon it when she was back at the base. She was going to feel alone and she was going to feel uncertain, but maybe the memory of the time they shared together would help her till she saw him again.


	25. What Will The Future Hold

Ren woke an hour before Rey. His eyes were already adjusted to the minimal amount of light the door panel and chrono blinked into the room. He was on his back, Rey's head resting on his chest and her leg flung over his torso. She was holding onto him tightly, a wad of his tunic in the hard grip of her hand. With her head angled up, he could see more of her face, and he took the opportunity to stare at her unhindered and unashamed.

Last night had been amazing.

It was still amazing since she was still with him. They had established a rhythm almost immediately as they conversed with one another. It felt so comfortable and natural to talk to her, like they'd had millions of conversations before that one. And her lips, that kiss… it went beyond perfection and into the realm of addiction. Her palpable arousal had instantly made him hard, which, thank the Force, she hadn't noticed. It had taken every ounce of his self control not to act like an inappropriate teenager in the throes of puberty.

Even though she was fast asleep against him, he still had the urge to do just that. Those thoughts, so primal and carnal, made him feel like a starved man that wanted to taste not just the lips of her mouth, but also the lips of her womanhood.

He focused on her young features, trying to quell this intense yearning within him. Her cheek was smooshed against his chest, causing her mouth to pucker open slightly. A small trail of drool trickled down onto his tunic, but he didn't care in the slightest. Rey's innocence was endearing to gawk at.

She stirred and Ren patiently watched as her lids fluttered open. The lights came on at his command, right as Rey glanced up at him. "Hello," he greeted.

"Hey." She wiped her mouth and looked down at his black tunic, noticing the spot of drool. She blushed from embarrassment.

"Don't worry about it," he pacified. "Did you sleep well?"

She rubbed her eyes, stifling a yawn. "Yes. Best sleep I've ever had, actually."

"Me, too." His nights usually involved him tossing and turning, causing him not to sleep soundly. Last night, though, he didn't wake once, which was a rarity for him.

Neither wanted to get off the bed, but both knew that prolonging it would only make things worse.

Rey went to the refresher as Ren went to see what he could gather for an early morning meal. He entered the lounge, hearing a clanking noise come from the corner. To his left, Poe was going through the myriad of tools in the storage closet, but stopped when he heard the door slide open. Ren briefly glanced at the man before proceeding to the galley. He went straight for a choc bar and ate it while searching for the elusive rations. After finding only a few, he made a mental note that he needed to procure some more or he was going to be very hungry while traveling.

_Except I have no money now._

"You really like chocolate, don't you?" Poe mused. Ren didn't turn around to face Poe, but rather focused on the task of opening a ration packet. "If you're not too careful, it'll go straight to your waistline." Ren dropped the ration on the counter and spun around, scrutinizing the annoying man in the entryway.

"You want to talk to me about something, or you just going to make snarky comments about my diet?" It wasn't like Poe to dance around a subject.

Poe folded his arms, growing serious. "I told you to convince her to come with me to the Resistance, not flat out leave her."

His stomach growled, demanding more sustenance than sugar. "She's going with you to the base. Why do you care how I went about making it happen?"

"I told you how attached she was to you and then you go and break her by saying you're leaving her. You saw how affected she was by it. That was a shitty thing to do."

Ren's glare pinched at the annoying man before him. "You told me I was being selfish by keeping her with me, and now you complain that it's 'shitty' for me to leave her. It's a good thing I don't care what you think or I'd die of exhaustion trying to gain your favor."

"Look man, I'm just trying to say you could've gone about it in a different way."

 _Oh, really?_ "And what different way would that be? Lead her on? Make her think we weren't going to be separated when I knew better? I don't like to drag things out; she deserved to know the moment I made up my mind."

Poe defensively lifted his hands. "Fine. Whatever. What's done is done. But you should find her and make things right before you leave."

Ren went back to the ration packet on the counter. "We already talked," he mumbled. "I made amends."

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine," Ren said over his shoulder. He popped pieces of the flavorless ration in his mouth, chewing quickly so his body could collect the calories.

The pilot's footsteps came closer. "Where will you go?"

Ren twisted around, noticing the guy encroaching on his personal space. "Not sure yet."

Suddenly, Poe shoved his hand out into the open space between them, a piece of paper in his hand. "Here." Ren looked at it dubiously before grabbing the paper and unfolding it to see what was written inside. It was a Holonet address, one that he wasn't familiar with. "That's my family's personal HoloNet account. I'm the only person who ever uses it. If you – If you ever get into trouble or need help, you can send me a personal message. I'll be discreet. I won't let anyone know."

_What._

_The._

_Hell._

Something odd lurched in Ren's stomach, making its way into his chest. It felt heavy, like a weight – no, it was more like a descending sensation, as if he had been floating and gravity had slowly turned back on. It had been so long since anything, other than Rey, had broken through the numbness or the rage and his heart couldn't seem to keep its rhythm steady as he looked at the damn piece of paper. The bond he had with Rey allowed her to see the side of himself he didn't even like to acknowledge, but made them emotionally closer than usual. Poe, though, had no reason to hand him this lifeline; he had no reason to show him mercy.

Ren was feeling… what? Gratitude? Camaraderie?

Poe watched and waited to see what Ren did with the paper. He considered crumpling it up and throwing it in the pilot's face, but… he didn't. Instead he folded it and placed it in his trousers pocket, not wanting to know the reason why he just did so.

Poe inhaled. "Whatever you do, don't go back to the First Order." Ren raised his sight to Poe's, noticing the pained expression in his eyes. "It would devastate Rey, and I… wouldn't want to meet you in a battle and have to kill you."

Ren quirked a brow. "You think you could kill me?"

"I'd try, even if it meant my death."

The corner of Ren's mouth rose slightly. "Always the hero."

Poe grinned and shrugged, choosing to play along. "Eh, you know me." Both men stood in their spots, not knowing what else to say to one another.

Poe interpreted the silence as his cue to leave, but halted after taking two steps toward the entryway. He angled his head to the side, not looking completely over his shoulder before saying, "Just watch your back out there, alright?" Poe didn't wait for a response as he hurried out of the galley and crossed the lounge, disappearing through the hallway to the private living quarters.

Everything was changing at a pace that was hard for Ren to keep up with.

()()()()()

Rey stayed true to her nature by quickly learning how to hold her own in the water.

She wore the same attire from their last swimming lesson, so Ren was properly prepared to see Rey without drooling over her appearance like a dumbstruck fool. The lake water was a lot colder than Spira's, much to Rey's displeasure, but she wouldn't let that stand in the way of accomplishing her goal. Ren was actually grateful for the chilly water – it helped him focus on not getting too handsy with Rey.

After a couple hours of hard work, Rey was now treading water in the middle of the lake like she'd been doing it her whole life. "I don't know why I was so afraid before. This is actually not too hard. I think I'm getting pretty good at this." She beamed with pride and Ren mirrored her expression.

"I would like to chalk that up to my commendable teaching skills," he sarcastically noted.

Rey splashed some water at his face.

"Hey!" Rey giggled as Ren spat and wiped his hair from his eyes. "Your novice abilities would not be able to handle a proper water fight."

"Maybe not, but I could probably beat you back to the beach." Abruptly, she dove, kicking up water in her wake. Ren's competitive personality came to life just as he swam after her, putting all of his strength into every stroke. He passed her quite easily and made it to the beach way before she ever got there, but she still gave the competition everything she had.

Breathless, she walked up onto the sand, taking the towel he offered. "Swimming like that is way more intense than I thought it would be. I mean, breathing is difficult to do and I choked on the water, like, five times before I finished."

Rey rubbed the towel against her hair, bringing out the soft waves of her tresses. "It's definitely hard to get used to, but a good exercise if you can master it." A feeling suddenly tugged on his awareness and he glanced to his right to see Maz standing on a pile of castle remains in the distance. The sight of the little orange alien brought his thoughts back to the upcoming separation that was going to take place, and reminded him of the fact that they still had a conversation to get to.

"You should go talk with her." He turned back to Rey, all traces of happiness erased from her face. "I'll go wash up and transfer my things to Poe's freighter." With shoulders slumped, Rey made her way back to the ship.

Maz was glowering at him. His mind raced with the different ways he could get out of the impending exchange, but none of them were plausible. No, he would have to speak with her, and now seemed as good a time as any.

With his shirt back on and water dripping from his trousers, he made the trek over to Maz's location. He stopped a few feet away from her, the scowl on her face having deepened.

"Sit," she demanded, pointing to a chunk of stone. Ren would rather stand, so he ignored the request. "You want my neck to cramp looking up at your face? Sit."

He pinched his nose, letting out a long breath as he sat down on the cold, dark stone. Even sitting he was still taller than Maz, but the alien grew more comfortable with his shorter position.

She stood close to him, close enough for him to lunge forward and crush her small throat between his sinful hands. Or better yet, one thought could break her little neck, marking the end to this loathsome conversation.

He'd only been away from Rey for a few minutes and he was already entertaining his violent thoughts. Yeah… the upcoming separation was going to be a trial for sure.

The heat from the morning sun was drying his hair, bringing out its waviness. Thankfully, the breeze was light and warm, allowing his muscles to relax.

Maz studied him in her usual passive-aggressive sort of way. Ren rested his elbows on his knees and balled his hands into fists, his patience running low as he waited for her to speak. He sure as hell wasn't going to start this conversation. _More like a lecture_ , he thought. Maz was going to do most of the talking since he had little to no desire to voice his thoughts.

"You have committed many atrocities, Ben Solo."

"Don't call me that," he snapped. "Ben is dead."

"Lying doesn't suit you."

"I don't lie."

Maz huffed in indignation. "You murdered Han."

There it was, the blow Ren had been waiting for. At least Maz got straight to the point.

His body reacted by tensing up, but he was still able to speak through clenched teeth. "Han was a selfish bastard and a coward."

"You think he was being a coward as he walked onto that bridge to speak with you? Han was no fool; he faced you knowing full well the possible outcome. And yes, while Han had always been somewhat selfish, the most selfless act he ever committed was trying to convince you to come home. He didn't have to make his presence known to you. He could have ran away, but he wanted to see you and talk to you."

The inside of Ren's palms stung as his nails dug into the skin. His fists were trembling, his jaw locked, and his eyes glued to the dirt floor around Maz's feet. He could still feel the stroke of Han's hand on his cheek, a gesture that had surprised him since he'd just mortally wounded the man. Han's eyes had been so full of shock and pain and… the love he still bore for his son.

Ren's body trembled and his esophagus burned as he realized he was going to be sick and couldn't stop it. Ren spun around, grabbing onto the edge of the stone and heaved his morning meal all over the ground. He coughed violently, trying to breath as his body purged itself of stomach acid and partly digested rations. Snot and tears dripped onto the dirt and stone, but Ren was more fixated on trying to breath normally than wiping at his face. He spat the remains of vomit from his mouth as he kneeled, realizing how weak he must look.

"There is still Light in you, Ben. You must search for it and embrace it." His head hung low as he shook it back and forth. "Well, then, I hope you're getting what you want from the Dark side, because it sure is costing you plenty. It always does." With his shirt, Ren wiped his face and turned back around.

Maz had her arms crossed and her hard stare was now filled with compassion. "I can feel your remorse over killing Han, but you refuse to fully let it in when you deserve to drown in it. You should not prolong this. The faster you let it in, the quicker you can begin to punish yourself and find redemption."

"Redemption?" he croaked out, his throat still tender.

"It would be a hard road to walk, but it's not impossible. Coming back to the light isn't an easy thing to do. Redemption is not a cheap experience."

His vocal chords stung as he spoke, but the pain was welcome. "You speak as if I want that for myself. I don't. Embrace the Light? Why? What has it ever given me? The very people who follow its ideals were the ones who tossed me aside like trash." The memories of being in the museum with Han clawed at his thoughts, but he dismissed it. One good deed did not negate the fact that his father was a worthless piece of shit who abandoned him to a life of uncertainty and fear.

"And the Dark side has given you so much, has it?" Maz challenged. "Do you think Rey will want to be around you if you stay so rooted in evil?" Ren had been waiting for Maz to use Rey against him.

His brows lowered, forming a menacing glint in his eyes. "Evil is just a perception."

"Evil is real and it dwells in the shadows," Maz countered and Ren scoffed.

Maz eyed him up and down. "I know you know about my brother. I don't want to see the same thing that happened to him happen to you." Her voice had softened slightly, but was still hard.

Ren almost laughed at her absurd statement. "Don't pretend to care about me."

"I care about your parents, who love you. Your mother wants her son back." At that, Ren had no vocal response, so he stood and started to walk away. He couldn't bear to listen to the woman any longer. "If you hurt that girl, I will make sure you pay for it." He stopped. "I might not deal the killing blow, but I will help whoever does, regardless of how it will affect Leia."

Very slowly and with great presence, he looked over his shoulder and said, "Careful, Maz. Those thoughts reek of the Dark side." With a self-satisfied smirk, he walked back to the ship.

His confidence faded as he licked his lips, tasting the vomit on his tongue. Everything he'd done was in the righteous endeavor to secure order and peace in the galaxy. Lives had to be sacrificed along the way to reach that goal, and that had included Ben Solo. Ren had justified all the killings, but he couldn't seem to justify what he had done to Han – he never could file that particular act under what was deemed necessary.

Just from listening to Maz's words, he'd become physically ill. What would happen to him if he actually let himself be consumed over what he'd done? He didn't even want to entertain the possibilities.

Coming to Takodana had served its purpose in bringing Rey back. Mentally, he pushed Maz's lecture into the category of insignificance, much like how background noise was easy to ignore.

()()()()()

"You sure you have everything you need?" Poe asked.

The sun was on its final hours of descent, casting their long shadows across the rocky ground.

"I do know how to survive on my own, you know," Ren replied. It was the third time the guy had asked him that, like he was a child leaving the nest for the first time.

"We know," Rey cut in. "We're just worried, is all." Ren thought it interesting she used the word "we," as in her _and_ Poe.

Ren's eyes roamed over Rey's body quickly, finding it difficult not to stare at her. Rey was wearing the outfit he loved seeing her in: the black jumpsuit and blue vest. It had been washed and dried while they swam in the lake, giving her a polished and amiable appearance.

"Oh," Poe interjected. "I left something in the cockpit for you. It doesn't really fit me, but you might get some good use out of it. I snatched it from one of the stores in Khalon so fast that I didn't look at the size. It'll help you blend in better than wearing those tunics."

"… Okay." It was really strange to have Poe be nice to him. Well, sort of nice. Ren concluded he would rather have the man be his usual, smart ass self.

Rey and Poe awkwardly stood in front of Ren, who had his back to the ship. No one knew what to say next. Minutes became days… Decades… Centuries.

But leave it to Poe to cut through the silence. "Well, I'll let you guys be alone for whatever _long_ goodbye you have planned." _Aaaaaaaaaaaand there he is_. Rey glanced at the pilot, confused over what he was alluding to. Ben knew, though, and didn't appreciate the crude undertones of the statement. Even if it was just a joke.

Poe locked eyes with Ren. "Uh, good luck man. Just – yeah…. Good luck. I'll see you around." Ren gave him a curt nod before the pilot turned and made his journey through the rubble to Maz's underground hangar.

"Looks like it's finally tomorrow," Rey muttered.

"Yup." Ren shifted his balance to his other leg, but the weight he was experiencing didn't dissipate. This moment was finally happening and he didn't even know what to say as his sharp mind suddenly decided to go on a hiatus.

"Where will you go?" He opened his mouth. "Actually, don't answer that. I don't trust myself not to come looking for you." Ren was actually not going to tell her for the exact same reason she just aired, but he let her keep thinking he was about to.

There was a topic he needed to touch on before he departed. "Rey, we'll need to keep the connection between us closed." Just saying it left a sour taste in his mouth.

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I know, but what about our dreams? What if they start up again because of the distance?"

Ren had thought of that and came up with only one solution. "I know the Resistance base is on Carlac, so I'm going to find a planet where the days and nights are opposite. Other than that, there isn't much we can do about it. Hopefully that will be sufficient enough."

Her forehead furrowed. "Wait. You know where the base is? How?"

"Poe was not very discreet with giving out its coordinates when we were fleeing the island."

Rey rolled her eyes.

Ren shoved his fists into his pockets as a few heartbeats past. "If there is ever an emergency, you can tug on the bond to contact me. I'll come find you."

"You would come to the base?" Rey looked at him, expectantly.

"No."

"Then how would you find me?"

_Very good question…_

"I'm talking about if you left Carlac, which you shouldn't. Nothing should happen to you while at the base."

"If you refuse to come to the Resistance, how will I ever see you again?"

All her questions were understandable ones, but he had no answers to give her. "Honestly? I have no idea, but I know we'll see each other again. Somehow…" After everything the Force had done with his life, it was almost foolish of him to put his trust in that power, but that power was all he had.

Rey solemnly nodded. "Ben." Gods, he was going to miss hearing his name on her voice. "Promise me you won't hurt anyone."

"Rey…" He closed his eyes while lowering his head.

"Promise me," she demanded.

Ren glanced at her serious demeanor. "What if it's self defense?"

"Then incapacitate them. You don't always have to kill people." He groaned on the inside, knowing this promise was going to be close to impossible to keep. And if he broke it, it would make him a liar. Rey had to have seen how that would play out and if she did, she really was a clever girl to ask this of him. She knew he detested lying. "Ben?"

"Fine," he submitted. "I promise." _Dammit._

"And promise me you won't die out there, cause if you do, I'll find you, bring you back to life, and kill you all over again."

He cocked his head to the side. "That's not very Jedi-like, but I can understand why you'd veer away from their rules since you're so new to their ideals." Her hand shot out and punched him in the shoulder, catching him completely by surprise. "Ow!" Even though she put most of her weight behind it, the touch didn't even come close to being painful, but he still acted like she hurt him.

"I'm being serious; don't joke around." Her lips spasmed as she hid an amused smile.

He held his hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay. I swear I won't get myself killed. Honestly, you and the pilot are acting like I'm going to go looking for trouble."

"Trouble always seems to find you, whether you look for it or not." Ren shrugged as he accepted Rey's assessment all too quickly. Her statement was an accurate definition of his life.

"You've grabbed all your stuff off the ship?" he asked.

"Yeah, not like I had much anyway. Most of my stuff is either on the Falcon or on Ahch-To." It was odd to picture her aboard the Millenium Falcon or actually flying that relic. Ren wondered if she slept in his old room…

He cleared his throat and his thoughts. "I could stop by the island and see if I can find anything."

"Don't you dare," Rey snapped. "You just said you weren't going to go looking for trouble, and the First Order could have left behind probe droids."

"There's not a single thing of yours you'd want back?"

"No." Ren peered at her, sensing her lie all too easily. "Well, I left my journal behind in the temple, but –"

"Temple?" Rey jumped from his sudden interruption. "What temple? I didn't see a temple."

"The one you found me in when you got to the island. You know, the cavern with the artifacts and books."

"That dilapidated library is the temple?"

"Yeah, the first Jedi Temple." _What?!_ "It's not just a library. There are tunnels that dig into the island – Are you okay? You look paler than usual."

Ren's mind reeled from the sudden intake of information. Skywalker had spent years dragging him along in an effort to find the first Jedi Temple. And what do you know, the old man finally succeeded where Ren thought it impossible.

However, that was not what caused him to sallow. One of the first things Snoke had demanded of Ren was to divulge everything he knew about every single temple location, whether it was speculation or proven reliable. The Supreme Leader was particularly interested in the very first Jedi Temple, but Skywalker hadn't found it yet, so Kylo didn't know where it was. Ren had been pretty sure it didn't even exist anymore.

_Why does Snoke want to find that place so badly? What's hidden there?_

"Ben?"

He broke out of his rolling thoughts. "I'm fine." _Sort of._ "I just... can't believe Skywalker actually found the first temple." It wasn't a complete lie; he just left out a few details. He masked his emotions well enough for Rey not to sense he was hiding something.

"No going back to the island, okay? Promise?"

"I won't unless deemed necessary. I promise." Ren absolutely deemed it necessary, which was why he worded the pledge in such a way that he wasn't technically breaking it. Besides, he'd already made two promises before that one and a third seemed overly excessive and childish.

Rey lightly kicked at some of the rocks at her feet. "Well, I guess this is goodbye then." _Shit_. The reality of what was happening came back all too quickly as he saw Rey trying to keep herself together. If she didn't, he might not be able to leave.

Ren slammed into her, crushing her petite form against his. She held onto him just as fiercely, digging her fingers into his back. He ran his hand through her soft, loose hair and if the choice were up to him, she would wear it down for the rest of her life.

"This isn't goodbye," he whispered. "Our paths will cross again, bringing us back together."

"Together," she breathed into his shirt. Rey lifted her head and Ren couldn't stop his lips from crashing into hers. Whereas all their other kisses had been slow and gentle, this one was frantic and demanding as they both memorized what it felt like to be totally, completely, and all around fully immersed in the feeling of being wanted by another human being.

His tongue dominated her mouth and his teeth grazed against hers with great haste. She moaned into him, causing her pleasure to seep into the marrow of his bones, giving life to where they felt hollow. Ren's lips trailed along her jaw and down her neck, nipping and sucking on her velvety flesh. Her arousal wafted into his core, making him want to take all of her right there, on the ground if he had to.

 _You wouldn't even know where to begin, you idiot,_ an inner voice told him.

While his virginity was very much intact, it couldn't be that difficult to figure out how to get rid of it. What was that saying he always heard? Your body would just know what to do, or something along those lines? He knew how it was done; he had seen prostitutes openly having sex with men in brothels or clubs. But after visualizing those memories, he realized that wasn't what he wanted to happen between him and Rey. Those had been transactions of pure, carnal roughness and he knew that he desired something that transcended the cold isolation of flesh and instant gratification.

His passions slowed and he nuzzled into her neck, feeling her hair and skin against his for the last time. He came up from the pool of her hair, cupping her round face before sweetly placing a long, gentle kiss upon her mouth. Ren's forehead rested against hers, milking in the sight of her hazel eyes. Painfully and without preamble, he stepped away from her, robbing himself of the one person he ever truly cared about. Tears were about to pour from her eyes and before they did, he turned, walked brusquely up the ramp, and wielded the mechanism to close.

From here on out, Ren was on his own.


	26. Push Through

"So… we're clear on what to tell them, right?" Poe repeated, glancing at Rey in the co-pilot seat.

Rey remained still, keeping her eyes on the blue streaks of hyperspace. They were minutes from Carlac, minutes from being bombarded with questions pertaining to their whereabouts. Poe was the one to suggest they contact the Resistance when they were outside of the planet, taking the opportunity in hyperspace to come up with a plan.

They would tell the truth about Ben – that he defected from the First Order and tried to help Poe and Rey on Ahch-To. After that, their honesty would be tossed out the cargo bay.

The story would continue with them stuck behind enemy lines, unable to join the Resistance, which forced them to seek out Ben's ship. Two Tie fighters followed them out of the planet's atmosphere, one of them inflicting significant damage to the freighter before they jumped into hyperspace. With their communications and fuel line damaged, they became stranded on an uninhabited island on Spira. Rey and Poe then spent days fixing the marred parts, while Ben stayed mostly to himself. Once the repairs were made, Ben dropped them off at the nearest city where they were able to acquire a light freighter and make their way to Carlac.

If anyone took that tale at face value, it would be a miracle. "Yeah, I got it," Rey muttered. Poe came up with the whole story, which Rey didn't mind. Her head was way too jumbled to come up with a more plausible explanation as to what they'd been doing.

The freighter exited hyperspace and Poe hailed the Resistance. To say the comms officer was excited to hear from them was an understatement. He assigned them the landing platform A2, and then Poe did something that surprised Rey: he turned off the communications, cutting the man off mid-sentence.

Rey turned to him, but he kept his eyes ahead, focusing on flying the aircraft to the base. Without glancing at her, and even though she was the only person in the universe who could hear him, he spoke in a hushed tone. "Rey, you probably shouldn't say anything about you… and him."

Her teeth clenched together. "I know."

"People at the base won't understand." He was alluding to Finn. Obviously. Poe chuckled uneasily, smiling in order to cut the tension. "Hell, it's sometimes hard for me to understand, and I was with you two."

Rey didn't laugh. "Poe, you don't have to explain this to me. I know why I shouldn't say anything."

His smile faded, realizing his attempt at lightening the mood had failed. "Okay, just... wanted to make sure."

In the ensuing silence, Rey took in the scenery of the planet she would be living on. Glittering snow covered the flat surface and the high mountains in the distance. There was not a speck of a brown dirt to be seen, and Rey's gut immediately fell. She hated the snow and she hated the cold and she hated how it reminded her of fighting Ben on Starkiller base.

_What is with these people and wanting to put their bases on desolate planets?_

The pink blossoms on the trees broke up the monotonous color of white, and Rey could at least appreciate the beauty of the lovely shade against the snow.

The freighter stayed close to the planet's surface as they glided to an outcrop of buildings next to a high mountain. Small dots of people were running outside, gathering around the platform Rey assumed was the one they would be landing on. As the faces became clearer, Rey leaned forward, frantically searching for one dark face in particular.

Pushing his way through the tight crowd and out into the front was Finn. Poe slowly lowered the ship onto the platform, allowing Rey to properly lock eyes with her friend. Every doubtful thought and fearful emotion vanished as her lips formed into the most infectious smile. Finn mirrored her excitement.

Once the ship jolted, letting her know they had landed, she jumped up to rush down to the cargo bay. She got as far as standing before Poe abruptly stood and placed his hand on her shoulder to stop her. His eyes were serious, confusing Rey. "I will always be in your corner, Rey. Remember that." His intuition was clearly warning him about something, but Rey wasn't in the mood to know what.

She rested her hand on top of Poe's and gave it a small squeeze. "I know. And thank you... for everything." Rey gave Poe one last, grateful look before sprinting to the freighter's exit. She could hear the plethora of voices echo through the cargo bay as she initiated the ramp to lower. Cold, dry air billowed around her, making her realize that she'll need to find warmer clothes if she didn't want to freeze to death.

The ramp hit the landing pad, showing the surplus of people looking at her anxiously. Finn stood right at the center, and Rey ignored them all as she darted down the ramp and ran straight into her friend's arms.

His embrace was so different from Ben's, but just as significant. Finn's arms and chest were comforting and tight, much like the hug they had shared right after she ran into him on Starkiller base. There were no passionate undertones like there had been with Ben, but only the feeling of being held by her best friend.

A big group rushed the platform, surrounding Poe as he came off the ship. Rey heard Jess scream Poe's name, but she didn't turn to see the reunion going on behind her. She was content with staying in Finn's arms a little while longer.

"I was so scared I'd never see you again," Finn whispered in her ear. He pulled back, looking her over with worried eyes. "Are you alright? Did Kylo hurt you?" She could feel her grin falter. Finn noticed, but read into the change completely wrong. "You're safe here, Rey. He'll never hurt you again."

It was going to hurt her to lie to him, but the alternative would be just as worse.

Rey nodded, not able to make her voice work through the worry that preoccupied her throat.

Security officers started to break up the crowd, coming straight for the platform. "Commander Poe Dameron," one of them called out, causing the Resistance pilots to disperse from their friend. The officer then turned to Rey, addressing her by name. "You two are to debrief immediately in room four, floor five."

Finn stepped forward, pushing Rey behind him in a protective manner. Normally, Rey would've insisted that she could stand up for herself, but she didn't know what exactly was happening. So she let Finn speak for her. "On whose orders? They just got back and should have time to rest."

"The orders are from Grand Admiral Trend. She wants to debrief them personally."

Finn scoffed, squaring off with the officer. Rey noticed how much more assertive Finn now seemed and she wondered what else had changed about her friend. "Debrief… more like interrogate. They haven't done anything wrong."

The officer didn't appreciate Finn's tone, but Poe stepped in before the spat escalated. "It's okay Finn. I knew something like this was probably going to happen." Poe and the officer peered behind Finn, waiting for Rey's response. She touched Finn's arm as she stepped forward.

"It's fine. It's just talking; it's no big deal," she reassured Finn, but realized she was also trying to reassure herself.

"My apprentice won't be debriefed by Admiral Trend." Skywalker stepped forward, exuding an authoritative presence. Rey gaped at her master. She hadn't expected to see him on the base.

Luke glanced at her briefly, not letting any emotion slip through his no-nonsense expression. The officer was unsure how to handle the situation, so he kept with his orders. "The admiral ordered –"

"I know what she ordered, but Rey is under my supervision since she's my apprentice. If Admiral Trend wants to speak with her, she can go through me." He motioned Rey to follow him. She hesitated a few seconds before falling in line behind him and Artoo. She shot Poe a worried look, but he just smiled and nodded, silently conveying to her that everything was going to be fine.

They weaved through the tight horde of soldiers, which quickly reminded Rey how much she wasn't used to being surrounded by people. Her anxiety unwillingly rose as everyone stared at her, like she was their primary entertainment for the day.

The hallways that snaked into the mountain were empty since everyone was primarily outside. Luke seemed to be leading her to a specific place that was somewhere on the top level. He turned into a room as the lights illuminated overhead and Rey saw a small, dark rug in the center of the compact quarters. A chair was next to the door, but other than that, there was no other furniture.

Finn entered seconds after they did, breathing hard from catching up to them. "I thought you'd bring her here," he exhaled hard.

"You aren't staying with Poe?" Rey asked.

Finn stepped further inside and Rey noticed the slight limp in his right leg. Then she remembered his injury... the one Ben had given him.

Her hand stretched out to him, but then fell back to her side. "Finn, your back. Are you okay?"

He smiled sheepishly. "Oh, I'm fine, actually. The spinal implant worked like a charm and hopefully I'll be able to shake off this limp sometime soon. But hey, I can walk, which is great." Rey listened as Finn told her about his recovery, making sure she looked happy during his account. But guilt was stewing below, guilt over how she cared for the man who almost killed her best friend.

"Rey," Finn looked at her concerned. "What happened to you out there?" She glanced behind her, seeing Luke silently studying the exchange and patiently waiting for an explanation. Luke was being too quiet.

She stuck to the tale her and Poe agreed upon, mostly painting Ben in an ambiguous light, but giving enough detail for them to know he didn't hurt her.

"He stayed away from you and Poe?" Finn asked incredulously.

"Yeah, he would do his own thing while Poe and I figured out how to make the repairs to the freighter." She had never lied so much in her life, and she prayed she sounded convincing.

Luke finally cut in. "So he really left the First Order, then?" Rey turned, addressing the older man.

Rey's hands started to shake, her mouth going dry. Damn, she was getting nervous. "Yes."

Those eyes of his were soft, but it felt like they could look right through her, past the thick walls and out into the snowy landscape. From being around Ben, she knew how to detect if her mind was being probed, but the Jedi Master did no such thing. This man knew how to read people without actually using any manner of the Force to do it, which, in retrospect, was probably worse.

Luke cocked his head. "He wasn't interested in coming with you to the base?"

"No," Rey curtly responded. "He wanted to go out and be on his own."

Finn snorted. "Yeah, right. First thing that guy is going to do is go back to the First Order."

"He won't," Rey injected harshly, which took both Finn and Luke by surprise. Rey took a deep breath, calming down her growing frustration and smoothing out her taut face. "He seemed adamant on not returning there. And... I believe him."

Finn's brows furrowed in confusion, but he didn't contest Rey on her beliefs. Wheels were turning in his head and Rey wondered if he was starting to suspect the truth.

"I'm just so glad you're back," Finn breathed out as he took her into another warm hug.

In that moment, she knew she should've responded with a _me too_ , but refrained. Her heart wouldn't have been in those two, simple words, and she didn't want Finn to hear the strain in her voice.

"Finn, I need a moment alone with my apprentice." Finn was about to protest, but one look at Skywalker's face told him that would not be wise. He told Rey he would wait for her in the hallway and he'd give her a tour of the base when they were done. She conveyed her excitement over the idea before Finn exited the room and the door swiftly slid back into place.

Luke jumped straight to it. "What happened on Ahch-To?"

Rey knew where this was going. "I told you what happened."

He crossed his arms, for the first time giving off an aura of impatience. "You've said very little, actually. I saw you and my nephew running up the hill, away from the battle. How did you two find each other?"

She sucked in a breath. "He found me in the temple."

"And… what? He just told you he left the Order? That he wanted to help you get off the island? Keep in mind that while you were in the temple, his knights were trying to kill Chewie and I." He could sense she was hiding information, and Rey was feeling rattled from having to converse with Luke so soon after arriving.

She ground her teeth, trying to decide how much to divulge. "No, he didn't just _tell_ me he left the Order."

"He tried to kill you," Luke surmised.

Silence.

Luke kept his voice emotionless. "Why didn't he?"

She tossed her stare downward, remembering that fight with Ben. "In the end, he couldn't do it."

Luke studied her. "How close did he get?"

She gulped. "Close."

His eyes searched her for injuries, but came up short. "You don't seem to be hurt."

 _Except the scar across my stomach…_ "He healed me while we were on Spira."

That shocked the Jedi Master. "He healed you?" She nodded as he blinked rapidly. "That's… unlike him," he confoundedly stated.

Rey became suddenly territorial over Ben's persona. "You haven't seen him in six years. How do you know what is and isn't like him?" Below Ben's threatening stare, Dark power, and decisive ruthlessness was a kind heart, one that she was willing to defend.

"The healing of others resides more in the Light side. It requires compassion." _Oh…_ "What did he do to you? Other than the healing."

Her heart was jumpy and she wished she could throttle back the conversation, but she didn't know how without making it seem she was obviously hiding something. "Nothing. I told you he stayed away most of the time."

"You're lying." The statement extinguished the small amount of confidence Rey had left, but she tried to keep a collected face. "Something happened between the two of you or you wouldn't be acting so defensive."

She crossed her arms. "I'm telling you what's important."

"But I want to know everything, not just what you deem relevant."

She couldn't hold back her glare. "Don't you trust me?"

Luke rubbed his beard briefly, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. "Rey, you need to understand that the last time I turned a blind eye to an apprentice having difficulties, he fell to the Dark side and murdered his own peers. I want to help you, but you have to be honest with me."

She tossed her arms dramatically while letting out an exasperated sigh. "But I said all there is to say! Ben stayed away–"

"Ben?" Luke gaped at her. The moment dragged on as they stared at one another. The man standing before Rey didn't look like her master, but a man that had been rocked to his core.

_He knows._

"Exactly how close did you two become?"

Rey's mouth felt like she'd just gulped down a liter of sand. She bit at the inside of her cheek, trying to control her panic. Her palms and underarms were sweaty and the moment she'd been dreading since reaching the base had finally arrived: a person she looked up to was now judging her for where she placed her heart.

She needed to leave, but her feet had somehow disconnected from her brain. The silence was all Luke needed to confirm his fears and his expression gradually melted into concern. "Rey, my nephew knows how to be manipulative, and whatever is happening between you two… it needs to stop. He can ruin you – like the Dark side has ruined him."

Rey couldn't get her voice above a whisper. "He isn't ruined."

Luke inhaled deeply before walking to her. "He isn't capable of fully caring for you. He's never cared about anyone but himself. If he made you think he did, it was for his own selfish reasons and nothing more." He tried to touch her shoulder, but she sidestepped his hand.

A switch was flipped on her emotions and her eyes filled with repulsion for the man in front of her. "Ben is your nephew; your _family_. And you're quick to dismiss him as lost? I thought Jedi believed that even the most corrupt could still come back to the Light. Or is it only on your own terms that a person can find redemption?" Luke was dumbfounded by her outburst, but his features quickly hardened into anger, an emotion that looked so foreign on his face.

She strode out of the room, not waiting for him to respond. She sensed Finn down the hall and around the corner, but before she went to him, she took a minute to steady her beating heart.

Luke was wrong about Ben.

Not once had he tried to manipulate or drag her over to the dark side. The way he had touched her, talked with her, kissed her… it was all in the most tender ways possible. And if Luke could never understand that, then... well, she wouldn't have the Jedi train her anymore. If he doesn't want to save his nephew, then there was nothing she could learn from him.

()()()()()

Ren strolled down the ramp, wearing his dark robes and leather belt as he held tightly onto his lightsaber. The freezing wind billowed at his thick attire and clawed at his skin, stinging his squinted eyes and evaporating his warm breath. A storm was crawling closer, its thick clouds denying the sun's rays access to the rocky island. If Ren hadn't have seen the sun before passing through the tempestuous clouds, he would've believed it was night for this section of the planet.

He didn't plan on being there long. He knew the risk of getting caught was great, but his curiosity was overpowering his rationality at the moment. No one was here – at least, that's what he sensed before flying through the planet's atmosphere. Ren had circled the island a few times before landing, searching for probe droids and coming up empty. Still, he was extremely paranoid and glanced at every boulder like a trooper was about to pop out and shoot him.

Quickly, he glided up the small walkway, his sight set on the dark opening in the rocky hill that led to the cavern. Correction: that led to the first Jedi Temple. His mind still basked at the thought that Skywalker actually found the mythical place.

Something felt off as he came to the opening, but he couldn't decipher what was warranting his uneasiness. With his lightsaber in hand and ignited for light, he crept down the stairs. The humming and crackling of the plasma blade comforted him as the sound echoed off the stone walls.

Ren quickly took a turn around the cavern, his observant eyes seeking anything of significance. Nothing stood out to him. Books and decaying relics were the only things here, causing his frustration to bloom in that familiar pit of his stomach. Rey did mention something about tunnels….

"See…" a voice, ethereal and light, came from the back. Kylo tensed, knowing that no living being was there. But he'd heard the voice like it had been carried over to him on a breeze. Everything was bathed in red as he cautiously stalked passed the bookshelves and up to the tunnel opening. On the ground, just off to his right, was a light orb. He commanded it to activate and it shot into the air, emitting a glowing light that was easier to see with than the red of his saber.

Pushing aside the small tinge of fear and disengaging his weapon, he walked deeper into the island while the light orb followed. With each step, the air grew colder, causing his exhales to form into thick, white clouds. The long passage opened into a much wider and grander room than the library, the ceiling arching high above him and his footfalls resonating in the expansive place.

This chamber was completely barren, but the atmosphere was turbulent, as if threatening to tear open the fabrics of reality and toss him inside. He stood at the very center, his gut plummeting and warning him to leave immediately. Ren tried to breathe as he turned –

Han stood between him and the exit, freezing every single molecule that made up Ren's tall, broad frame. He wasn't even sure he was still breathing, nor could he remember how. The face of his father was younger, much younger than when he'd last seen him. No wrinkles lined his face, and he was wearing his favorite brown leather jacket, with a beige shirt and blue trousers.

Han grinned as he walked brusquely up to Ren, who cowered away in fear. Ren stared wide eyed and braced for some type of physical touch, but none came. His father walked right passed him, his sights set on something else. Ren whirled around to view a white room with various types of medical equipment lining the walls and pushed into corners.

"Leia," Han spoke quietly as he sat next to a very tired Leia in a plush, white bed. She smiled at her husband, beaming with a pure form of joy Ren had never seen on her face before. Something was bundled in her arms, cooing, drawing Ren closer. Thick, raven hair was sticking out of the top and was attached to the face of a chubby newborn baby. Han brushed the baby's cheek with his finger, making the newborn stir and turn toward the touch.

His father gazed at the baby with so much pride, it was almost unbearable to watch. How many times had Ren wished for Han to look at him in such a way? How many times had he dreamed of seeing that expression?

Too many times to count.

"I can't believe we made this. He's so beautiful." Han never looked away from the baby, from… him – from Ben. This was Ben at the very beginning of his life and his parents were giving him their undivided attention, looking at him with all the love they possessed.

"Well, I did most of the work, but yes, we made this little boy. Our son." Han chuckled and bent down to kiss Leia tenderly. The moment was simple, but something foreign to Ren's eyes. Growing up, his father was either away at one of his races or fighting with Leia while at home. He never saw these small snippets unfold between them. It made Ren uncomfortable to be witnessing it now.

Leia placed her head back against the pillow. "Did you get ahold of Luke?"

Han nodded. "He's almost here." His father cleared his throat softly. "Ya know, he suggested the same name again."

All traces of exhaustion lifted from Leia's features as her eyes bore into Han. "What did you tell him?" Han remained silent. "Han? You told him no, right?"

Han shifted in his chair, trying to find the right words. "Well, not exactly…."

Leia sat upright, stirring the baby in her arms and glaring at her husband. "I'm not naming my son Obi-Wan and you should've told him the same," she harshly whispered.

Han lifted his hands defensively, trying to put on a cool smile. "I know, I know. It's just… you should've heard how excited Luke was to see the baby, and I didn't want to crush the kid's spirits."

Leia looked as if she wanted to strangle him. "No, you're just leaving the spirit crushing to me, aren't you?"

Han shrugged. "You are his sister."

Leia groaned and rested her head back. "Fine. I'm going to fix this mess you got us into. As I always do."

The baby moved and Leia started to shush the little bundle before it fully woke. "Maybe we should just go with Obi-Wan," Han suggested. "We haven't been able to agree on a name and the baby is finally here."

Leia's gave him a flat stare. "That isn't even funny."

Han was fighting back a grin and failing profusely. "I thought it was sorta funny…."

A few seconds passed before Leia gave in and smiled at the ridiculous man. The baby was fully awake, its eyes darting around as it tried to focus on the new surroundings. Gently, Leia started to shift the baby over to Han. "Would you like to hold him?"

Fear plagued Han's face and he sharply shook his head. "Uhhhh… I've never held a baby before. What if I break him?" He laughed nervously.

"Han, this is your son and you'll be holding him a lot. You might as well learn right now how to do it." She all but threw the little thing into Han's arms, forcing him to hold the small, cooing baby.

Han eased into the feeling of holding his son and resumed studying the innocent little face. "He's so tiny."

Leia positioned herself better on the bed and fluffed the pillow behind her. "Babies often are," she offhandedly stated.

Han started to walk around the room, awing and cooing like he was trying to talk to the baby in its native language. It didn't last long before he ditched his efforts and went to Galactic Basic. "Don't worry, kid. We won't name you after old Ben. Between you and me, that guy was a kook."

Leia sat upright. "What did you just say?"

Han turned around, but kept his attention on the baby. "Obi-Wan was a kook. We all knew it –"

"No, you said old Ben."

Han glanced up, wondering what Leia was trying to get at. "That was his nickname. Luke called him that early on…. What's wrong?"

"Ben. That's it. That's our son's name."

Han gazed down at the baby in his arms. "Ben," he muttered, finding that it fit with the baby's face perfectly. "Well, look at us. We finally agreed on something. Luke's gonna to be so happy."

"I didn't choose the name to appease my brother, it's just the right name for him. The fact that Ben is Obi-Wan's nickname is an added bonus." She stretched her arms out and Han gave their son back to his mother's embrace.

"You're gonna let Luke think that you listened to him, aren't ya?"

Leia smiled at little Ben as a glint of mischief sparkled in her eyes. "It wouldn't be so bad for him to owe me a huge favor for 'letting' him name our son."

Han let out a vibrant laugh as he gave her a look of admiration. "You're a clever woman."

"Don't forget who has the brains in this relationship."

"I never do, sweetheart. I never do." He bent over and kissed her softly.

The scene started to fade and the harder Ren tried to hold on to it, the faster it disintegrated. It gradually morphed into the comms station aboard the Millennium Falcon, with Han tensely sitting and frowning at the holoprojection of Leia.

"You can't do this to him, Leia. That kid has been looking forward to going to that traveling museum for over a year now."

"Don't lecture me, Han," she bit back. "I have to watch over Ben while you're gone the majority of the year. You don't understand how hard it is to juggle the Senate and being a parent."

Han leaned forward, rubbing his distressed face. "You said it was fine for me to go, so I went. Leia, this will devastate him and you know it. He doesn't have any friends and all he does is study and keep to himself. You can ditch the Senate for once."

"I can't. This bill the Centrists are trying to pass –" Han threw his hand forward and cut off the transmission, staring furiously at the place Leia's face had once been. He sat back and let out a deep breath, his shoulders sagging inward.

Ren watched his father for a long while, wondering if the scene had somehow froze. Finally, Han stood and dashed for the cockpit as Ren followed close behind. Chewie was lounging in the co-pilot chair and glanced alarmingly at his friend's sudden appearance.

"Reroute us back to Hosnian Prime," Han ordered. Chewie roared questioningly and Han took a few breaths before responding.

"That kid deserves better parents than us…"

"Raaaargh arrrrrg." _You two are great parents_. Chewie's reassurance did not comfort Han.

"Sometimes, I wonder if we're being too selfish, ya know? I love flying too much and I had hoped Ben would love it to, but he doesn't. I don't even know how to talk to him anymore…." Both remained silent, thinking over the statements Han just made. Chewie turned and started charting a route back home as Han sat in the pilot's chair, gazing at the streaking dimension of hyperspace.

The vision folded in on itself, which caused Ren to become disoriented and fall flat on his rear. As his hands braced against the floor, a sharp pain blossomed in both his palms. The floor was littered with glass and the small fragments became embedded into his open hands. A long counter formed to his right and a tall figure loomed above him, dark and formidable.

That man was him… in the diner… on Er'kit.

Ren deduced from the empty café and the broken glass that he'd just found out his mother had been lying to him his whole life.

Ren stood, remembering all too well what happened next. The data pad dinged and he watched himself clutch onto it. He waited for it to fly across the room, but… Ben kept staring at it. _What is he doing?_ Slowly, Ben opened the message and his mothers distraught face filled the screen.

"Ben, you've probably heard by now –" Ren covered his ears and backed up until he hit the far wall next to the entrance.

 _No, this isn't what happened. This isn't right!_ His head shook as if he could make the vision disappear by denying its plausibility.

The succession of images that came next showed him a life that never happened, a life that was so outrageously out of the scope of reality that he couldn't look away.

His uncle found him at the diner and confessed about where the blood in his veins truly came from. Luke begged Ben to stay in the Jedi Order, and he reluctantly agreed as his uncle handed his lost lightsaber back to him. Ben remained with his uncle and eventually was able to talk to his mother. Shockingly, his father had contacted him and he watched how they gradually mended their relationship so they were on speaking terms. Han would even come a few times a year to visit him at the academy, encouraging him to keep his inner darkness at bay.

Something was still calling him out to the stars, however, and it wasn't Snoke. Ben followed the feeling straight to Jakku, searching for the beacon that reached out to him. He discovered Rey, a malnourished girl of fifteen, but one who was extremely strong in the Force. Their connection was palpable from the start and it helped in convincing her to leave the barren planet and live a far different life at the academy.

Ben became her mentor, keeping a watchful eye over her training. As she became older, the line between mentor and friend began to blur. By the time she was nineteen, they were best friends and had become inseparable.

The threat of the First Order brought the Jedi out of their peaceful existence and into the foreboding war. Ben and Rey fought side by side on Starkiller base, working together to try and stop the weapon from being used. At one point, Ben was briefly taken out of the fight, and having lost her lightsaber, Rey called Ben's to her and saved them both from certain death. It was the dream he had of her since he was ten, and now it had finally come to fruition.

Their friendship grew into something much deeper and much more profound as they kept fighting the First Order together.

The images were fast and spanned over years, but Ren was able to understand them for what they were. This would have been his life if he had just opened that message from his mother – if he had chosen to stay with his uncle and not seek out Snoke as his master.

All these possibilities finally formed into one, solid picture: Ben standing outside of a medical facility aboard a ship, looking battered, bruised, and exhausted.

"Ben!" Han came darting down the hallway and ran right into his son, almost causing them both to fall over. "I didn't know if you guys made it out before the temple collapsed…"

Ben patted his father's back, trying to comfort the old and shaken man. "We made it. I'm fine, but Rey is having surgery." Han drew back, looking more worried, if that was even possible. "The power it took for her to kill Snoke almost..." Ben's voice cracked. "He almost killed her. _I_ almost –"

"No," Han interrupted. "You're not t responsible for her injuries, okay? Snoke is." Han squeezed Ben's shoulders, grabbing his full attention. "But she's alive, kid. She made it; you both did. That's what matters." Ben smiled, but the expression reach his ears. "What about Kayani?"

"I don't know," he uttered quietly.

Han swallowed, focusing more on his son's solemn face. "And what about you? The darkness inside of you…." Han's voice tapered off as Ben shook his head.

"It was stupid of me to think that by killing Snoke, I could rid that side of myself, but it's still there. Its roots go too deep." Ben's lips quivered and he shut his eyes, causing the tears to spill over.

Han embraced him, letting the young man cry into his shoulder. Ben clutched fiercely onto his father as the muffled sobs rolled out from his chest. "I'm sorry, Ben. I'm so sorry."

Minutes passed until Ben could finally find the words to speak. "What if I'm broken?" His voice was childlike. Scared.

Han pulled back, grasping hard onto the boy's shoulders. His eyes held a determination that was rarely seen. "Look at me, kid." Ben craned his head up, hiccuping back the tail end of his cries. "I might just be a smuggler and according to your mother, a scoundrel, but I know a good person when I see one and that's exactly what you are. Sure, you've had some setbacks along the way, but who hasn't. I just wish you never had any of these powers –"

"I know," Ben interrupted as his face became plastered with shame. "You always wanted a normal son."

Han was unblinking as he spoke quickly. "Yes, I wanted you to be normal, but so you'd be spared from this life you've been living. I don't know much about the Force, but I do know how the Dark side ruins people. I didn't want that to happen to you. I didn't want you to struggle." He pointed his finger in Ben's face. "But don't think for one moment that I'm not proud of you, because I am, Ben. I am proud of you for fighting and I am proud to be your father."

Ben nodded, not knowing what to say. "I love you, son," Han said truthfully.

Ben put his hand on his father's shoulder, giving him a small and genuine smile. "I love you, too. Thanks... dad."

A throat cleared and both men turned to see Dr. Kalonia. Ben immediately tensed and his face fell.

The good doctor smiled and held her hand up in assurance. "She's fine. I was able to fix the damage to her ribs and she's now resting. She should be waking up in the next thirty minutes." Ben held onto Han to keep himself upright. "There seems to be no damage to the fetus. The heart beat is still strong and there was no bleeding in Rey's uterus, but I'm still going to monitor her for a few days just in case."

Both men froze. "Fetus?" Ben asked, his face paling.

Harter looked at Ben quizzically. "You didn't know she was pregnant?" Ben shook his head and the doctor let out a relieved breath. "And here I was, about to lecture you on letting her fight while pregnant, but it turns out you didn't know."

Han shook Ben lightly, catching his attention. "You didn't sense this through the Force or something?

Ben was speechless, trying to replay the last few months in his mind. "I've been preoccupied lately; you know, with the whole war going on." He glanced at the doctor anxiously. "How far along is she?"

"From the measurements, it would seem ten weeks. You two didn't question when she missed her period?"

More prying questions came his way that forced him to think harder, when all his body wanted to do was pass out from shock and exhaustion. "I – Well, Rey was so malnourished from growing up on Jakku that she's never been consistent. I just thought…." Ben's voice teetered off as the news finally sunk in, making his face glow with elation.

Han broke through the lull in the conversation first. "I'm gonna be a grandfather." His stare was distant and a huge grin stretched from ear to ear.

Ben studied his father and clapped him on the back. "It looks that way, old man."

Han shot him a glare. "Who you callin' old, ya moof-milker." Ben smiled and laughed a truly joyous laugh, one that was rarely ever heard and was saved for only the most perfect of occasions.

Blink.

Somehow, Ren had ended up back in the library, his eyes staring straight ahead at the relics on the tables and stone walls. The removal of that scene had sucked every last drop of strength out of him and he had no idea where to begin processing what he just witnessed and felt.

All at once, a tremendous emotion boiled in his gut, and as it swelled and the pressure grew inside his body, his eyes darted frantically around the room as if he could find a way back into that alternate reality. The bookshelves started to rattle and every antique in the room began to bounce from the energy emitted. The shaking of the objects crescendo into a roar, warning him of an impending eruption, but he couldn't find it in him to care in the slightest.

Ren's fists tightened so hard, that they trembled like they were the wings of a fly… and it was when he stared down at them that he hit bottom.

The pain that struck him was cosmic, a big bang that splintered him apart and sent his atoms scrambling out of his core. All thought, all reasoning was lost and he had no other choice but to submit to its will. The scream pealed out of his lungs and the energy exploded from his chest, causing anything that was not bolted down to smash into the curved walls. Which, in this case, was everything. Wood splintered and objects shattered beyond recognition, morphing into the perfect metaphor of his life.

His screams sounded utterly foreign to his ears, but the sound of the destruction he caused was a familiar and welcoming noise. Ren was very aware he was breaking down, that the fissure had been opened by that trip down the hall and now his mind had fractured.

Sometime during the break, he had fallen to the ground and balled himself up into a fetal position. He kept screaming to the point of asphyxiation and he wished he could just stop breathing and die on the floor of the filthy place.

All his life, he'd kept himself separated from his emotions. He'd been born into a family who neglected him. He'd done horrible things and had horrible things done unto him. He had hardened himself, his mind and emotions morphing into durasteel.

This man he'd become had been wrong about shutting down, had been wrong to commit to self-containment. That possible future he'd just witnessed was a testament of how he could've had the family he always wanted, he could've had his father be proud of him and love him. If he hadn't been quick to give up on his family in that café, it could have been different.

Pushing out his feelings was not a case of strength, as he told himself so many times before. Ben had been strong in that vision, Ben had defeated Snoke with Rey's help. Ben had his father's respect, all because he chose to love and forgive.

Being emotionless had been all about survival… and he simply couldn't keep it up anymore.

With his throat raw and his lungs on fire, his screaming subsided into moans. Those didn't last long either, as he fell deeper into the pit of his own self-loathing. The cavern was silent and dark as he remained on the cold floor, staring through his droopy eyelids.

Ren hadn't shed a tear. Not one. He was far past the point of crying and fully in the territory of numb agony, with no end in sight.

_I killed my father. I killed him and he's never coming back. I murdered him to stay in the Dark._

The reasoning behind the killing seemed so small to him now when it had been such an important detail before.

A small part of him knew he shouldn't linger in the temple, but his body wouldn't obey his command to move. If someone found him, hopefully they would have the wherewithal to put him out of his misery, because it was hard for him to give a shit about his life at the moment.

 _Rey_.

How broken was he that he didn't care enough to stick around, even for her? Him dying would solve a lot of people's problems and he no doubt deserved it. But in the end, would he be able to face death, like the friend it's always been?

Gods, he really wanted to see Rey right now. Those visions of seeing her when she was fifteen and watching her grow into a woman were not enough for him. He needed to touch her, to escape in her. The life he could've had –

But didn't that entity inside of Rey say that his fall was necessary? She made it sound like it was preordained to happen, no matter what. So was what he just saw ever even an option, or was the Force blatantly tormenting him?

He inwardly scoffed at his questions, for in the end, it didn't even matter. This was his life now, and he would have to see it through till his heart stopped beating. But damn, that vision was going to torture him for the rest of his existence. Him and Rey had been together. Like, _deeply_ together. Together to the point of her being pregnant and him acting elated over the news.

And Ben had obviously loved her.

_Ben is me though, so does that mean I love her? What the hell does that even feel like?_

Ren's emotions had been turned off for so long that he wasn't sure he was capable of loving someone. All he'd ever known was steeped in blackened holes. Love did not dwell there; it only dwelled in the light and within good people.

He would be lying to himself if he denied how much he wanted Rey to love him, even after everything he'd done.

Something moved into the cavern, pushing aside the plethora of broken shelving and torn apart books. _Finally. Took them long enough_. Ren stayed still, waiting for some sort of shouting or the sound of a blaster bolt echoing throughout the chamber, but nothing happened.

Fear broke through, reminding him that a part of him did not, in fact, want to die. He'd been afraid of death on Starkiller base and he was afraid of death now. Well, a certain part of him was – the part of himself that was a coward. Through the fog of his hazy mind, he tried to decide which of the two sides was more prominent: the one seeking that everlasting slumber, or the one afraid of not existing anymore?

A hard object nudged his foot, followed by a series of beeps.

" _Are you alive_?" it asked in binary.

_No._

The annoying presence belonged to a droid, and Ren wished he never learned how to understand the dualistic beeps. The droid basked him in light, which caused Ren to crane his head toward the small, round pest. " _Are you okay_?"

Kylo sat up, ignoring the droids pesky questions. The room was in absolute chaos as his eyes roamed over the evidence of his emotional blow out. Fortunately, the droid let him be and refrained from trying to pry further.

He stood, deciding that if no one was going to show up and off him, he would need to leave the island before he had more painful visions. He dragged his body up and as he turned to leave, the droid shrieked for him not to go. Ren pivoted around, getting a good look at the tiny thing. It was a BB unit with orange and white –

His mouth fell open as he realized this droid was none other than BB-8, the same droid Rey had been willing to risk her life to save.

"Have you been hiding in here ever since the battle?" Ren asked. BB-8's half domed head nodded before he set off a series of rushed beeps.

" _Are you with the Resistance? Can you get me back to Poe Dameron? Don't leave me here; I'm scared."_ The last thing Ren needed was a tag along, but this droid meant a lot to Rey… and Poe.

"I'm not with the Resistance, but I can help you find a way back to their base." BB-8 spun in delight and darted directly at Ren. "But let's make one thing clear." The droid halted. "No questioning my methods and I don't make small talk. Understand?" If this droid was anything like his master, he would try to fill lulls of silence with a conversation.

The droid's head lowered and let out a sad coo, but agreed to the terms. "Good. My ship is outside." Ren headed for the stairs and tripped over his feet when he saw a small book next to the entrance. He regained his balance and scooped up the small, leather bound notebook, his fingers brushing across the three words inscribed on the front.

**Rey's Survival Guide**

_Is this the journal she was talking about?_

He opened to the first page and his eyes immediately went to the self-portrait she had drawn. The likeness was remarkable and he traced the outline of her face lightly, not wanting to smudge the picture. _I didn't know she could draw…._ To the left was some writing and his eyes quickly scanned the first few sentences.

**If you're reading this, then something's gone** **wrong** **.**

**You're stranded on Jakku - a barren little planet with nothing but baking sand, hot sun, and wrecked starships** ( _accurate description_ , Ren thought to himself).

**Stranded, like me.**

**My name is Rey. I've been here my whole life, scratching out a living with the lost and the broken. I don't know how I got here, or why. But I know it was a mistake – and somebody out there will make things right, someday.**

The light of the sun soared down the stairway, making Ren glance through the rocky opening. He went outside and was met with the warmth of the sun's rays on his pale face. Closing his eyes, he craned his head and basked in the heat upon his skin. For so long, he'd hid away from the light, but in that moment, it felt like it was wrapping him in warm arms and welcoming back a friend that had long since been missed.

BB-8 beeped to his right. _"Why do you think they came back and destroyed it?"_

Ren lifted his lids and glanced over, seeing for the first time the big pile of ash and blackened stump near the temple opening. He walked closer, remembering that a huge tree used to be in that exact spot.

His brows pinched together as he knelt down next to the droid, touching the tree's remains with his fingers. "Who did this?" _It couldn't have happened during the battle; there would be more damage around the surrounding area._

" _I heard Tie fighters land and then the sound of flames engulfing the tree."_

 _The First Order,_ he thought. _Why risk coming back here to destroy a tree?_

The last time Ren was here, he'd felt how concentrated the Force had been in that spot. He assumed it was one of those Force trees Skywalker liked to grow and study. That fact would not make the Order come back and destroy it, though. Nor would they know about it being a Force tree.

So many pieces to the puzzle floated in his mind, but he still didn't have enough to form a complete picture. It was frustrating, but Ren tried to push his focus back on the journey he was currently on. Rey's book was in his left hand, still on the page he'd been reading.

**–and somebody out there will make things right, someday.**

Ren was going to do right by her, because out of everyone in this broken down galaxy, she absolutely deserved a life of comfort and happiness. Somehow, he was going to make that happen.

Shame spread throughout his body as he recalled how he wanted to die in that cavern, how a small part of him still wanted to. He'd been so quick to give up and leave her. If he had perished, it would've been impossible for Rey to live a long and joyous life….

Turned out, Poe was right. He was selfish.

BB-8 and Ren made the short journey back to the ship in silence. He had to levitate BB-8 to the upper level since he didn't have the patience to wait for the lift to function properly, but the droid didn't seem to mind. Ren was pretty sure the little thing actually enjoyed it.

In the cockpit, he looked over to the temple entrance and the fallen tree one last time. Other than the infinite misery he acquired from the Force apparitions, he'd found nothing of significance inside the temple. That tree had to be why Snoke was so interested in the place, but it had to be more than just a Force tree to have caught his master's attention.

Ren would have to do some digging as he traveled.

The ship soared into the air, exiting the atmosphere and revealing the void of space. He charted a course to a planet he was vaguely familiar with and initiated the hyperdrive. Fuel was getting low, but he should have enough to get him to the next destination.

His mind drifted to his father, bringing that immense pressure back into his chest. Ren was never going to forgive himself for what he'd done, nor would he ever seek forgiveness for it. Since death was off the table for obvious reasons, he would find another way to punish himself. Something worthy of the crime he had committed.

The pain and guilt was going to rot him from the inside out, but he would have to live with it. He couldn't do anything for the dead. His father was gone. It was done. But the living…. He could take care of the living, and Rey definitely fell under that category.

Life went on.

No matter what the universe did to Ren, he would survive.


	27. Where To Go?

"And this is the dining hall." Rey followed Finn into a large, rectangular room. Tables lined the center and Finn guided them to the serving tables over to the right. They held a wide assortment of food that made Rey's mouth instantly water. "Dinner is in about an hour, but they usually keep snacks out during the day."

Rey grabbed a small, purple fruit and was about to take a bite when an unfamiliar voice broke through the room. "Finn!" A dark skinned woman with short hair and striking features strode up to him, her hard-pressed face looking aggravated.

"You're not at the training center," the woman observed.

"Oh, well, my friend needed a tour of the base so she wouldn't get lost." The woman just stared at Finn, waiting for more of an explanation. "Breaala, this is Rey. Rey, this is Breaala." Rey smiled, but Breaala didn't return the pleasantry. Instead, she eyed Rey up and down with something close to disinterest. Finn turned to Rey. "This is one of the ex-stormtroopers I was telling you about." Finn hadn't been kidding when he said this woman was tense and rarely smiled.

"Congratulations on getting your friend back," Breaala said through tight lips. "But you were the one who made this training schedule, and the Resistance put you in charge of acclimating us to how things are ran around here. You made a commitment and should stick to it – not give your friend a _tour_." Rey gaped at the woman's bluntness and felt slightly intimidated by her don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-punch-you-in-the-face demeanor.

Finn, however, squared off at her with an air of authority Rey didn't know he even possessed. "Look, Breaala, I thought Rey was dead and I would never get to see her again. You're right in that I am your superior. And as such, I'm going to be spending the day with her. I do apologize for not letting you know, but I appointed you as my second so when I had something else to attend to, you'd be able to look after the ESC without me. If you want, you can have them run through the same drills from yesterday, or give them the day off. It's up to you. But I don't want you bothering me for the rest of the day unless there's an emergency. Understood?"

The tense moment dragged on a little too long, and Rey wondered if she should leave the two of them alone. "Understood," Breaala relented. She turned and left the hall with her fists balled at her sides and her jaw locked in frustration.

Finn relaxed his shoulders, letting a long exhale escape his lungs.

"She's, uh… a lot," Rey noted.

Finn chuckled and grabbed a handful of snacks to eat during the rest of their excursion. "That's one word to describe her. She's just used to everything being on a rigorous schedule. It's how we were raised." Rey bit into the fruit, the juice exploding in her mouth and dripping down her chin. She wiped the excess away while relishing in the pure, sweet flavor.

"And she doesn't mind with how firm you were being with her?" Rey asked around her chewing.

"Nah. We were brought up to respect authority. It would piss her off even more if I was too polite to her."

"What exactly is ESC?"

"Ex-Stormtrooper Community. I thought they should have some sort of name instead of being referred to as 'them'."

"And you're really their superior?"

"Yeah, but I don't have an official title, which is okay. I don't mind going by Finn." Rey smiled, feeling a sense of pride for him.

Finn caught wind of her expression and looked puzzled. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just, you really looked like a person to be reckoned with. And you seem to have a handle on your responsibilities here." He shied away from her compliments, but still thanked her for the praise.

The rest of the tour flew by quickly. Rey immediately gravitated toward the mechanic hangar and the spare parts shed, her fingers itching to tinker and fix whatever she could find. She wondered if the mechanics would let her help them during her spare time, which she now had a lot of. After the fight with Master Skywalker, she wasn't sure if he'd be training her anymore and she felt confused over that prospect. She wanted to be a Jedi and she wanted to learn, but she couldn't be around him if he truly had given up on his nephew.

When they made their way back to the dining hall for dinner, they found Poe already there, sitting at an empty table, picking at a plate of food. Since the refectory wasn't full of people quite yet, both Finn and Rey bypassed the serving table and headed straight to their friend. His presence had been sequestered by Admiral Trend the majority of the day and Rey had worried something had gone wrong during his debrief.

Poe stood with a mouthful of food as he gave Finn an enveloping hug. Rey sat down, waiting for them to be done with their greeting.

"How was talking with Admiral Trend?" Finn asked as they settled in.

"She repeated the same questions to me over and over again, but gradually became tired of it all. She's no General Organa, that's for sure." The air became thick as the three of them thought about the general's whereabouts.

Shortly after starting their tour, Finn had explained to Rey what had happened. Everyone seemed lost without the general and no one liked this new admiral, but all of them followed her orders since she was the highest-ranking official on the base. Rey was not eager to meet the woman.

They spoke of the general and where she could possibly be, but seeing how none of them knew anything concrete, the conversation didn't last long. Rey kept contemplating whether to contact Ben, but how would she be able to convey what happened to his mother through their bond? With emotions? And even if she did somehow let him know, what would he do about it? Their mother-son relationship was complicated, to put it mildly, and he probably wouldn't offer to help search for her either.

Rey hated admitting it, but the main reason she didn't contact Ben was so she didn't have to feel him refuse to help save his own mother. She didn't need another act of his looming over her conscience.

Finn stood while glancing at the food near the entrance. "I'm gonna grab some food." He glanced to Rey. "You want me to fix you up a plate?"

"Please."

Once Finn was out of earshot, she turned her attention to Poe.

He quickly spoke before she could get a word in. "I know what you're going to ask, but the story is solid. Don't worry."

Rey rested her hands on the table and started to fiddle with her fingers. "What if Admiral Trend suspects something?"

"She doesn't and even if she did, how could she prove anything? Everyone is just so glad we're back, that no one is going to look into the matter further. They'll take our word for it, because that's all they can do. And no one would go up against you since they all know how you almost killed Ren on Starkiller base." Poe gave her a side smile. "You're racking up quite a formidable reputation, from what I hear." Rey glanced at Finn, watching him as he filled two trays with food. It was obvious he told a few people about what she'd done, and the news had spread through the ranks of gossip quickly.

She'd been hoping it would have stayed quiet.

"Well, don't go adding to the story by telling people we also dueled on Ahch-To."

Poe rolled his eyes as he downed his drink and wiped the excess from his lips. "Rey, I do know how to keep a secret."

"Uh huh." Poe was not the most discreet person and had a tendency of accidentally letting something slip.

Rey picked at her nails, trying to settle into the fact that she was now at the Resistance base.

"How are you holding up with being here?" Poe asked, his voice taking on a more serious tone.

Rey shrugged. "It's weird," she muttered. "I'm not used to being around so many people or being in such a large building, but I'll acclimate. I always do."

"You, uh, hear anything from him?"

Rey had not been expecting Poe to ask her about Ben. "No. I told you how he wanted to keep the connection closed. And I can't just hear him through it. That's not how it works." He must not remember that she had explained this to him, like, a dozen times already.

"But you can feel him, right?" She nodded. "And nothing?"

_Is there a pinch of worry in his voice?_

"Nothing. But being this closed off from him makes me anxious." She rolled her shoulders like she could somehow get rid of the itchy feeling.

Poe took a big bite of something dark and goopy. "Yeah," he said between chews. "Who knows what he'll do with you not bein' around."

Rey gave him a flat stare. "Not helping."

He gulped. "Sorry."

As dinner progressed, some of the other pilots came and joined them. It was clear to Rey that they were all ecstatic to have their commander and friend back. Rey quickly warmed up to the boisterous bunch as she laughed at their jokes and listened to their stories.

Joph Seastriker was the one telling most of the tales. He had a way of speaking that held Rey's captivation and allowed her to perfectly visualize his adventures. Snap Wexley, the oldest of the group, had a very rowdy sense of humor and was the type of person who tried to never take things too seriously. Some of his jokes were hard to understand and Rey attributed that to her sheltered life. She was sure with time she'd come to understand their undertones, but for now, she laughed and pretended she got the punch line.

Jess and Rey had met before she had left for Ahch-To, so their greeting was not as in depth as it had been with the others. It was nice to have another girl at the table, and Rey had almost squealed when she found out they were going to be rooming together. She admired Jess immensely for being one of the few women pilots in the Resistance and felt that they were quickly becoming friends.

A few times, Rey paused and looked around at the joyous group. She already felt so welcomed into their little circle and felt extremely grateful that none of them turned her away. Back on Jakku, she would laugh and joke with her imaginary friends, and then she would cry when her rational mind brought her back to reality. Now, it was actually happening. Her dream was now corporeal… and Ben was not here to see it.

After dinner, the group walked Rey through the multiple hangars, showing her all the different ships the Resistance had in its arsenal. For the most part, she was interested. She asked her questions and nodded her head and held a conversation, but Ben was never far from her mind. She wished he was here with her, but that was a silly thing to wish for. These people would never accept him; they would all try to kill him if they had the chance.

Her and Ben lived in two separate worlds, which was made more evident the longer she was on base. What kind of future could they have if their two worlds couldn't meld into one?

She wondered what he was doing and where he was going and if he ever thought about their questionable future together.

That night, as she slept on the top bunk of her and Jess's room, her mind floated through her turbulent dreams before settling into her quaint home of the AT-AT on Jakku. She'd been half expecting to find Ben there, but he wasn't. Instead, someone else was waiting for her, someone she'd never seen before, but whose presence felt oddly familiar.

A woman with light red hair and pale features stood before her, exuding a heavy dose of dominance and mystical energy. "Hello, Rey."

This woman was the last person Rey wanted to see as she remembered what Ben had told her. "What do you want?"

"You and I are long overdue for a conversation."

Rey arched a brow. "And whose fault is that?"

The woman's face remained still, revealing nothing. "You're indignation toward me is not necessary."

A sardonic laugh escaped Rey's lips. "You seem to believe you know what's necessary for other people."

"Once I tell you the truth, your feelings toward me will change." This woman was assuming a lot, and it annoyed Rey profusely.

"I doubt that," Rey sneered. The woman fell silent, her eyes grazing over Rey's hardened expression. Rey tried to will her dream to change, but nothing happened. The woman remained and Rey was going to have to listen to what she had to say.

()()()()()

Lothal was a planet in the Outer Rim Territories that did not have a strong tie to the First Order. Its day and night cycles were opposite of Carlac's, so Ren chose to begin his journey there, on a world of no importance.

The planet was home to many diverse environments including plains, farmland, mountains, spine tree forests, and seas. During the age of the Galactic Empire, the creating of mines and the emissions of pollutants had disrupted many of their echo systems. The environment had bounced back rather quickly, though, which was evident by the rolling clouds and the lush, rippling grasslands.

Ren flew toward the city of Jalath, one of the bigger settlements on Lothal. Ren wanted to blend in, and Jalath seemed like a good place to start since it was rather a large city located far from the capital. The town was divided into different working sections made up of farming, cantina's, retail stores, and mechanic shops. Most of the houses stayed to the north, making up the urban living of the families that worked the area.

He searched for a landing pad near a shipyard and found one in the outer section of the city. Before he did anything, he would need to get more fuel… with money he did not have. He wasn't exactly sure how he was going to go about doing this, but more than likely a mind trick would be involved – or a bit of threatening, preferably without the Force.

Before going down to the cargo bay, he changed his appearance so he could pass as a regular civilian. He kept on his usual black trousers, but paired it with a plain black shirt and slid on the grey leather jacket Poe had left behind. It fit perfectly, which surprised Ren.

_The pilot really must have stolen it in a hurry if he didn't notice the large size._

Ren tried to exit the ship without BB-8, which caused the droid to beep in such frenzy, he thought the round nuisance might accidentally hurt itself. So the droid followed him to the shops front entrance, somehow acting proud of getting its way, even though it didn't have the facial capabilities to show it. _Pretentious little droid…_ Damn thing reminded him too much of Artoo.

The air was on the cusp of winter, evidenced by the fact that the wind chill cut through his clothes quite easily. Ren thrived more in colder climates, anyway, so he didn't mind in the slightest that he wasn't bundled up enough to be outdoors.

The door didn't slide open from detecting his arrival and from peering inside the window, it looked as if no one was there. The sun was setting and the shop had probably closed for the day, but Ren needed to acquire some fuel as soon as possible. He preferred to be prepared for anything and everything, and that included needing to bolt at a moments notice.

_I could break in and steal it…_

Him and BB-8 rounded their way to the back, searching the side of the building for a way to get in. He remembered seeing a garage door near where he landed the ship.

A loud crash came from the inside and Ren paused, waiting to hear if another noise would accompany it. Sure enough, another one did and Ren scolded himself for not scanning the building for life forms. More loud clashes and some shouting raised Ren's curiosity. He found a door with a small, circular window and peaked inside.

Three scruffy looking men were roughing up an unarmed man against a wall. By the look of the man's greasy overalls and some prying with the Force, Ren knew this was the mechanic who owned and ran the shop. A tall, bald guy was watching the promenade and saying something Ren couldn't hear. Ren was about to unlock the door and…. and what? Save the mechanic? Kill these men?

Helping people was not a talent of his.

Ren's hand faltered over the door pad, remembering what Rey had said about looking for trouble. He needed to blend in and act normal, and the normal thing to do in this situation would be to mind his own business… right? Maybe if he actually knew what it felt like to be normal, he could make a decision that fell under the category.

He was about to turn away when he heard a high-pitched scream, which could only belong to one thing: a child. A Rodian male entered the workshop carrying a small, thrashing toddler in his left hand, and dragging a very pregnant woman in his other. This caused the mechanic to understandably try to break free from his three captors, but all that got him was a hard strike across the face.

Ren stood frozen, absorbing the scene into his swarming mind. The girl's dark hair whipped from side to side as the thug dug his hands into her creamy skin, inflicting pain on her small body. The impression Ren received upon seeing her was overwhelming and it was hard to look away.

This small, seemingly insignificant little girl was immensely powerful in the Force and had an important future ahead of her. What that future was, Ren did not know.

The woman was pushed onto the floor, trying to claw her way to the screaming child, but the man kicked her square in the stomach, causing her to double over in agony. The mechanic screamed with rage.

Ren had no idea how it happened, but one second he was outside, and the next, he was standing in the room, inconspicuously hidden behind some barrels.

"I already payed Danzan," the mechanic yelled. "What do you think he'll do to you when he finds out you're undermining him, Sheldom? Just leave! I won't say anything."

"Well, I wasn't paid. So how about we just take your little girl as a payment for –" Ren stepped further into the workspace when the bald man, Sheldom, spoke of the exorbitant price. The attention of the room fell on Ren, causing everyone to look at him in shock. The bald one was quick to regain his composure as he sneered, "This shop is closed. Get out, or we'll make ya."

"No," Ren growled. His palm twitched for his lightsaber, but he had left it on the ship so he wouldn't be tempted to use it on anyone. It had taken him less than five minutes to find someone worthy of being put in a grave, and didn't have the means of doing so. But Ren was nothing if not creative.

The guy's lip curled up, causing his crooked nose to scrunch his weathered face. "This is none of your business, sonny." The man motioned to one of his thugs, silently telling him to take care of the prying problem.

Ren didn't give the ratty guy a chance to touch him.

He grabbed the thug's arm, locking him in place as he slammed his boot into the man's knee, hearing a decisive pop. Ren went after the other two, quickly bringing them down before hearing the bald one shout over the scuffle.

Sheldom was holding the little girl, pointing a blaster to her head while the Rodian stood off to the left. The woman cried out for her daughter as the injured thugs moaned on the hard floor. The girl whimpered for her mother and shrieked when the man pressed the blaster barrel harder against her temple.

The bald man snarled, letting a trail of saliva slide down his chin. "If you even blink, I'll kill her." The mechanic joined in begging for the child's life, but the man paid them no attention. He kept his eyes on Ren.

Sweat beaded over Ren's forehead, causing his hair to stick to his skin. The adrenaline made him antsy, and he had to hold back the shaking that came with the rush of strength pouring into his veins.

He could sense the man's intent to kill her, which made Ren's heart pump frantically and his breathing to harden. Fortunately for Ren, he didn't need to move to cause the bastard pain.

It took a lot of concentration since he couldn't use his hands, but Ren commanded every muscle in the bald man's body to freeze. Knowing the thug couldn't pull the trigger, Ren stretched out his arm and Force pushed the Rodian across a table, tools hitting the floor.

He probably should've held back from using the Force, but honestly, who was going to care? Sure, there was a slight chance it would be reported to the First Order that a Force sensitive was on Lothal, but no one would be coming to check that out anytime soon. Besides, Ren had been the one appointed to hunting down Force sensitives and exterminating them, and with him now being gone from the Order, who were they going to send? No one, that's who. The Order had bigger game to go after than an insignificant person on an inconsequential planet.

Ren addressed the mechanic, a mixture of fear and admiration showing through his eyes. "Grab your daughter. The guy cannot move, I assure you."

The mechanic darted for the little girl, whose arms where outstretched toward the safety of her father's embrace. He went over to his wife on the floor, checking to see if she was hurt and letting her hold their small child.

The bald man's eyes looked around wildly, reminding Kylo of a caged animal searching for a miracle. Ren didn't want to give him one.

With a simple swipe of his hand, the guy would be dead. It would be so easy. Why not do it? He threatened this family and was going to take that little girl and do Force knows what to her.

 _Rey. The promise… Dammit_.

Ren teetered very close to breaking his oaths and part of him didn't care. The release of power was so close, that it was blindingly painful not to give into it. His body yearned to feel that comfort of invincibility that came with killing, but… he made himself back off.

He called the bald man's blaster into his right hand before allowing the bastard to move. His four cronies were making their way over to their leader, all suffering from the various injuries Ren had inflicted.

Not one uttered a word.

Ren hungrily watched as they sprinted to the front of the shop and fled the building, their fear electrifying his being. It had felt _good_ to fight someone with his fists. It made him feel more alive, more _human_. And the violence was definitely refreshing.

The high he experienced slowly disappeared, causing him to come back to the reality that there was a terrified family huddled on the floor behind him.

"Thank you," the mechanic whispered. He turned to see the grateful faces, but was at a loss as to what to say. Ren glanced at the blaster in his hand, wondering what he should do with it. His knuckles were bruised and throbbing with the beat of his heart as he clipped the blaster to his belt, deciding to keep it. "If you hadn't have helped us, I don't know what would have happened."

"They would've taken your child," Ren said bluntly.

The mechanic cleared his throat. "Yeah, I guess they would have." Silence coated the room and Ren decided that he could wait until tomorrow to figure out the fuel situation. He glided over to where he had entered earlier, noticing BB-8 in the doorway. The droid had just witnessed that whole debacle and was no doubt going to ask him questions later.

"Did you need help with something?" Ren paused, looking back at the pale-faced man. The mechanic's face was rounder than Ren's and his eyes were closer together, but his hair was very similar, albeit shorter.

The way the mechanic stared at him made Ren uncomfortable. This person was showing genuine gratitude, something Ren wasn't use to seeing directed at him.

"What?" Ren asked, confused.

"The reason why you came here. Did you need something fixed or…." The man's voice trailed off as he waited for a response.

"I was looking for fuel... for my ship."

The mechanic stood with his daughter in his arms. He took the woman's hand, pulling her off the floor.

He spoke to the woman softly. "You and Anna go up to the office. I'm gonna talk with this man for a bit, okay?" She nodded as she took the little girl and made her way up the narrow stairwell in the corner, all the while whispering comforting words to the whimpering child.

The mechanic faced him, allowing Ren to notice a bruise forming under his left eye. "I have some fuel stored in the next room over, if you want to take a look." Ren and BB-8 followed him down a short hallway and glanced at the barrels stacked against the far wall.

Ren ran a hand through his hair as he felt the need to be honest. "I don't have any credits."

The man snorted. "After what you just did, I'm more than willing to give you a few barrels for free."

Well, Ren was not going to decline that offer.

The men loaded a few barrels onto a hovercart. "You just passing through or you staying a bit?" the mechanic asked as he opened the garage door to the landing platforms, handling the hovercart on his own. Ren shoved his hands into his pockets as the cold air blew across the room.

"I was planning on staying a while before leaving. Why?"

The man pushed the cart toward the ship as Ren and BB-8 followed beside him. "You need to earn some credits?"

 _Ummmmm…_ "Yes." Ren did not like feeling poor and earning some credits sounded like a pretty good idea.

They climbed the ramp and Ren pointed over to where he wanted the barrels. "Since you're sticking around, you could work here, if you like. You got any experience fixing up ships and speeders?"

Ren let out a grunt as he placed a barrel behind his speeder. He rubbed his cold hands together as he said, "Good enough to get me by."

"Well, the pay is okay, but it's better than nothing." They unloaded the last of the inventory as Ren thought over the generous offer. He's never had a job in his life. Not one like this, anyway. He guessed he could count being with the First Order as a type of job, but that wasn't something he could exactly tell anyone.

The mechanic faced him with his hands resting on his hips. "What d'ya say?"

This man knew nothing about Ren and even though he did help his family, it was still odd to be given such an offer. Ren scrutinized the man's open demeanor. "Why are you offering me this? You don't even know me."

He shrugged. "I had an employee quit last week and I've been looking for a competent worker ever since. The pickings are slim in this town, but I have a feeling you work hard. You certainly fight like you're disciplined. And you can take the job as my thanks for what you did for my family back there."

The fuel was a sufficient form of gratitude, but the job would definitely help Ren out in his current situation of being creditless. And really, what else was he going to do while being here? "Okay," Ren muttered, not sure if he should say thank you.

"Great. Now that that's settled, lets head back inside and get warm."

Ren kept his eyes on the ground as they walked to the shop's garage. If these people knew who he really was, they would run him out of town, not offer him employment. The last time he'd been on Lothal, he had executed five Force sensitives. And even though it didn't happen in this specific town, he was sure the news had traveled fast. Hell, his reputation was known across the whole galaxy.

The mechanic's voice broke him from his memories. "Now I know my wife is going to ask you this, so I might as well beat her to it, but you should come over for dinner tonight."

Ren didn't feel like encroaching on their hospitality any longer. "Uhhhh…"

They both walked into the garage and the man closed the door behind them. "She won't take no for an answer and neither will I." The mechanic paused as his eyes grew large. "Ya know, I just realized… I still don't know your name."

"Bail." _What?_ Ren responded with the first name that popped into his head, which happened to be his grandfather's name – the one he was not biologically related to.

"I'm Jorfel Lonsmel." Jorfel stuck his hand out and Ren gulped before shaking it. The contact made him shudder, but he needed to act like an ordinary person and this is what people did when they met for the first time. That didn't stop Ren from cringing on the inside, though. "My wife is Lizari and my little girl's name is Annakal. Most of us just call her Anna for short. What should we call your droid?"

Ren briefly glanced at the orange and white astromech. "BB-8."

"Cute little fella."

BB-8 somehow beamed at the compliment.

Ren couldn't stop a little smirk from playing along his lips. "Yep, he sure is little." BB-8 didn't seem the least bit amused at Ren's jab.


	28. Closer To The Truth

Ren landed the light freighter in the grassy field next to the square shaped dwelling. He studied the white, sharp edged house from the comfort of the cockpit before shutting down the engines. It had been less than an hour since he'd saved that family and been invited to their quaint abode for dinner. He'd attempted to put on the most polite face possible as he declined the unwanted offer, but Jorfel had been right about his wife. Lizari was persistent, refusing to even acknowledge him when he said no. In fact, he never actually said yes to the invite. She gave him directions on how to get there and told him what time to arrive before ordering him to bring his appetite and his droid.

He figured she was trying to be funny with the last part, but he couldn't tell.

But she expected him to be there.

So here he was.

Ren's stomach growled as he sat in the pilot's seat, begging him to give it something other than choc bars and water. His diet had been extremely lacking over the past couple of weeks and his body was finally starting to show it. The weight loss was obvious, and it disturbed him that it was mostly from muscle mass. He'd always been strict about eating high calorie meals so he could maintain his bulky and powerful form, but he'd been wavering from the regimen as of late. And the last time he'd run through his calisthenic routine had been on Jakku inside Rey's AT-AT.

Keeping his physique strong had always been a form of self respect. He needed to regain his strength and fast.

Ren did not like witnessing his body weaken.

_Just go in, eat, and get out. Simple._

He exited the ship with BB-8 in tow, grateful that the droid was doing a sufficient job at remaining quiet. He wrapped the leather jacket tightly around his form, guarding his torso from the biting breeze as he made his way to the entrance. The temperature was very close to freezing, and even though he owned warmer outerwear, he'd grown fond of the leather jacket. He didn't know if that was because of the person who gave it to him, or because the material was of a very high quality.

Ren didn't want to delve deeper to find out.

His covered knuckles tapped on the front door, then pushed back his coarse hair as he waited. A very happy Jorfel and a warm surge of air welcomed him, beckoning him and BB-8 to enter. They stepped into the entrance hall, glancing at the two men standing off to the side.

"Bail, this is Garreaus and Terrlon. They live out back in the spare unit," Jorfel explained. "They also work at the shop, so you'll be seeing a lot of them."

"Man, Jorfel was not kidding about that scar," Terrlon exclaimed. Jorfel elbowed him in the side, causing the man to wince and clutch his ribs in pain. Garreaus glared at Terrlon before taking a step toward Ren.

Garreaus was a hard looking man, with a square face and a thin patch of black hair trailing down the middle of his head. His skin was of a creamy brown, but Ren wasn't sure if that complexion was natural, or from overexposure to the sun. The man cracked a smile and shook Ren's hand firmly, thanking him for what he'd done for Jorfel's family back at the shop, the other two men joining in with the accolades.

Ren wasn't accustomed to gratitude. He didn't know how to receive it.

The tactless one, Terrlon, came up next and was a walking contrast to Garreaus' short, broad build. Pale, tall and lanky, the man was only a few inches shorter than Ren. His hair was a dirty blonde color, with extremely tight curls that were just as unkempt as his clothes. Really, the guy looked like a typical teenager.

"So... you can use the Force?" Terr asked, a look of amazement stealing his features. The guy was also not trying to hide the fact that he was intently staring at Ren's scar.

"Uh, yes."

Garreaus spoke over Terr, stopping the man from asking more irrelevant questions. "We're glad everyone is okay. Well, everyone as in Jorfel, Lizari, and Anna. None of us care if you hurt any of Sheldom's lackeys."

And neither did Ren.

"If you don't mind me asking, why were those people at the shop?" Ren probed carefully. He wasn't sure as to the reason why he wanted more details… he just did. He also needed to know if those people were coming back to finish the job.

This family seemed way too joyous for having a target on their backs.

Jorfel crossed his arms as he began explaining. "Sheldom's been trying to undermine his boss and take over their little loaning business. Albenic had loaned me a good amount of money to start up my shop, and I make payments to him every month, but Sheldom was looking to get more for himself. He probably thought that if I feared him more than Albenic, I'd look at him as their new leader." He waved his hand dismissively. "Really, it's all just a power play. The minute Albenic finds out what Sheldom has done, that whole little group is going to be on his hit list."

Ren hesitated before asking, "So you aren't worried about Sheldom coming for you?"

Jorfel shook his head. "Nah, not really. The man should be dead by morning."

"Fucker deserves it, too," Terr chimed in.

The men moved into the kitchen, letting their idle chitchat go with them. Lizari was setting the table and Ren's mouth watered the instant he smelled the fragrant spices swirling in the warm air. Stars, he was actually excited to taste a home cooked meal.

When was the last time he had one of those?

Ren stood near the corner as they all started talking about the experience back at the shop. He took it as an opportunity to look over the small house since he wasn't interested in adding to the light chatter.

Everything was very plain, with only a minimal amount of furniture taking up the place. But since the house was small, they really couldn't fit a lot in there. As far as decorations went, there weren't many. A side table displayed some holopics, but other than that, no other evidence that a family lived here. Everything was very neat and tidy, the white walls bare and clean. This was a family that didn't need a tremendous amount of possessions to be happy, and Ren respected that immensely.

He inquired as to where their daughter was, and was told that she had fallen asleep on the way home, making them decide to just put her down for the night. Carefully, Ren hid his relief upon hearing the news. The prospect of interacting with a child was harrowing, to say the least.

They were all corralled into the dining area as Jorfel pulled out the chair at the head of the table. Everyone insisted that Ren dine in that special spot, and even though Ren objected, he couldn't weasel his way out of it without looking like a complete ass.

BB-8 stayed to his left for the entirety of the meal.

As Ren sat down, his shoulders went tight, his molars locked and for a split second, he didn't know how much more of their hospitality he could take. The smiling, the laughing, the appreciative glances – they were peeling him raw and causing his hands to shake. It would be so easy to whip around and bolt back to the ship, leaving this nice family behind in their safe and cozy home. But on Ahch-To, he'd come to realize the error in keeping people and his emotions at a distance, and had told himself he would try to change that.

So... his rear remained glued to the seat.

He kept his gloves on throughout the whole meal, though. His skin needed a sabbatical from the touch and textures of the world. If only his eyes and ears could shut off for a while.

"So, Bail," Garreaus spoke. Ren lifted the napkin from his lap and wiped his mouth, feeling the weight of his full belly. "What did you used to do before coming to Jalath?"

Ren placed the napkin back on his thighs. "Are you asking about my previous job?" Ren took two more bites of the meal, finishing what was left on the plate.

"Yeah, sure. What kind of jobs have you had, other than mechanics?" Ren's mind quickly flipped through the various stories he'd come up with, not knowing which one to choose from. None of them sounded like something he would do, but he couldn't tell these people the truth.

"No, wait! Lemme guess," Terrlon interjected, becoming excited over the prospect of making a game out of it. "I bet I can figure it out in three tries." He looked around. "Anyone want to challenge that?"

Lizari huffed and rolled her eyes. "You can't make everything a competition, Terr. Are you ever going to grow up and actually act like a mature adult?"

"Why? Being an adult is horrible. Being a child and having you take care of me is way more fun." He reached out to her, pouting. "I never had a mother…."

She swatted his hand away. "I'm a year older than you."

"Age is but a number, dear." Terrlon batted his long lashes, trying to get a reaction out of the woman. Lizari's suppressed smile finally broke through as everyone laughed. Well, Ren didn't, but he did let a small grin slip.

Garreaus nudged the tall man in the shoulder. "Are you gonna make your guesses or not? I'm eager to see you fail."

"Alright, alright." Terrlon swiped his blonde hair aside, stretching out his mouth to rid himself of that wide smile. He turned to Ren, eyes roaming over him, studying every inch of his countenance. The inspection was not wanted, but Ren kept quiet as he watched the scrutinizing stare.

"Hmmmm… Well, you seem to have impeccable manners and you hold yourself like you're important. So... I'm going to guess that you come from an aristocratic family, but you got so bored with the pampered lifestyle that you left to fulfill your adventurous spirit, only to realize how hard it was to be without your family's money. You've considered going back home, but you don't want to admit that your little rebellion failed. And now, here you are, with us." Terr stretched out his arms, his hands gliding in every person's direction.

Garreaus snorted. "If that story is even remotely true, I'll cover your shifts at the shop for a week and let you get paid for it."

"Never underestimate my intuition, Garreaus." He turned his attention back to Ren. "So, am I right?"

Terrlon looked at him expectantly.

"No."

The man's face fell with disappointment. "Dammit!" Terr chewed at his bottom lip, and muttered, "I was so sure that was your story."

"Looks like you failed," Lizari teased.

Terrlon held up two fingers, his face now filled with determination. "I still have two guesses. I got this." He popped his knuckles. "I know how to read people." Lizari rolled her eyes again, Jorfel laughed, and Garreaus teased the man on his lack of observational skills. Ren sat patiently, intrigued as to what the guy thought of him.

Terrlon snapped his fingers. "Bounty hunter," he blurted out.

"No."

Terrlon cursed under his breath, but remained focused. Ren could just superficially probe his mind to see his immediate thoughts, but he was actually enjoying not knowing what was going to come out of the guy's mouth next.

"Mercenary."

Ren was about to shoot down that guess, but paused. Mercenary was the closest job description to what he'd been doing with the First Order, and maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to go with it. It would allow him to be honest with certain aspects of his life. Even though he had to hide his true identity from these people, lying still bothered him.

Everyone was quiet, waiting eagerly for an answer. A slight smile slowly formed on Ren's lips as Terrlon' eyes widened.

"I'm right?" Terrlon asked.

"Yep."

"Yes!" Terrlon jumped from his seat, causing his chair to fall back onto the floor. Terr turned to Garreaus, his face flushed and his finger pointing at the man. "You can cover my shifts for the rest of the week, thank you very much."

"What? No, that was only if that farfetched story you told ended up being true – which it wasn't. You're gonna have to drag your ass to work just like the rest of us."

"But –"

Jorfel cut into the dispute. "Garreaus is right, Terr. He only meant it for that one story, so you still gotta work."

Terrlon groaned as he picked up his chair and sat back down, looking defeated. "Whatever. I still guessed right, and none of you forget it," he muttered.

"I'm sure you won't let us," Jorfel added.

Garreaus pushed his plate to the middle of the table so he could rest his arms on the flat surface. "So… a professional soldier, huh? Did you guard important people or something?"

Terr interjected before Ren could speak. "Nah. Look at him. A guy like that would be hired as the muscle and for intimidation. Am I right?"

Ren nodded.

"Did ya kill people?" Terr asked, leaning in closer. Ren's brows flared, as if Terrlon's candor surprised him. Ren hesitated, but eventually nodded his head again. "How many?"

"Terr!" Jorfel yelled, causing Terr to retreat slightly. "You don't just ask someone something like that."

"What? We're all thinkin' it! Don't lie and say you're not." To that, everyone's eyes darted around the room. They were all curious, but some had more tact than others.

"I've killed and tortured a lot of people. It's what I was good at," Ren said, testing the small group to see how they would react to such news. All of them seemed surprised, which was to be expected. Even BB-8 angled his domed head to look at him.

Terr gulped. "Was?"

"I've left that life." _I think._

"So you could say you were more of an assassin then?" Terr sure was proving to be the nosy one out of the group.

Ren shrugged. "I guess it was a mixture of both, but I think of myself as a mercenary."

"Did you make good money?"

Ren wasn't paid for his services, but he had unlimited access to First Order funds, which was a lot.

"Not really. If I had, I wouldn't be working at a mechanics shop out of desperation." The three men chuckled at his little joke, but Lizari was not amused and Ren picked up on that quickly.

The woman pursed her lips before jumping in with her own set of questions. "Why were you a mercenary then? If you didn't get paid a lot for it?" She wasn't trying to hide her sudden change of demeanor. The three men glanced between Ren and Lizari, all the laughter and smiles now gone from their faces. All that remained was nervousness.

Ren breathed in deeply. "It gave me a purpose and I was skilled at what I did." _And a part of me enjoyed it._

Lizari tilted her head back fractionally, as if she were trying to look down at him. "Why did you stop if it gave you a purpose?"

_My father._

"My last job…. made me see things a bit differently." He wasn't going to allude to Han, even though that's what set him on the path he was now on. Rey still played a huge part, but his father… that was the true beginning.

Lizari arched an eyebrow. "Couldn't kill someone?"

"No."

"Was it a woman?"

"I have a feeling he doesn't discriminate against a specific gender, Liz." Garreaus glanced back at Ren. "Right?"

"No, I don't. But the person is a woman."

Lizari was holding her metal cup, her fore finger taping against it lightly as she studied him. "Why couldn't you kill her?"

Being honest with these strangers actually felt sort of freeing, but he needed to be careful with how much he divulged. Was his face unreadable? He loosened his muscles, trying to appear emotionless. "Her and I sort of have a… history together."

"Oooooooooh you were lovers!" Terr blurted out.

"No."

Lizari kept talking, ignoring Terr's little outburst. "But you obviously cared about her if you couldn't bring yourself to kill her."

 _Why ask such questions…._ Ren's eyes narrowed, but Lizari's stare never faltered. "Yes."

Terr leaned across the table, moving his bowl and silverware out of the way with his elbows. "So why are you here instead of bumpin' the jollies with her and makin' some babies?"

Ren was momentarily speechless by Terrlon's lack of formality.

"Nice, Terr." Garreaus scolded the man.

Terrlon held his hands up innocently. "Just sayin'."

Ren drew in a breath before getting back on track. If he didn't, Lizari sure would. "I needed to figure out where my life should go next."

"So you're gonna hang out here and figure that out?" Terr asked. Four sets of eyes scrutinized him, trying to figure out his motives and no doubt, judging his decisions.

Ren nodded.

"Have you used the Force to kill _innocent_ people?" Lizari asked. There was no shift of her gaze, no change in expression. Ren blinked and had to take a moment to make sure he'd heard the question correctly.

Jorfel, Terr, and Garreaus all appeared equally as flummoxed at her bluntness, and none of them knew what to do but look outright uncomfortable.

Lizari's emphasis on the word innocent did not escape Ren's notice, but he was not about to argue such a thing as perspective with the woman. "I used whatever was at my disposal. So yes, I have before. Why do you ask?"

"You seemed pretty gifted with it back at the shop. Did you teach yourself?"

Tilting his head to the side, he dryly responded with a yes.

She stared at him steadily. "Who did you work for before coming here?" At any other time, her hitting back like that might have guaranteed a deflection of the question or for him to storm off, but Ren was eager to match her steady stream of inquiries. He didn't want to back down.

Jorfel lightly touched his wife's arm and whispered, "Liz, I don't think–"

Ren interrupted. "Various types of people, different organizations." Jorfel glanced at him in surprise and leaned back in his chair, taking himself out of whatever was transpiring between his wife and him.

Lizari clucked her tongue. "Sounds vague."

"It's supposed to."

"Would you classify yourself as a dangerous person?"

"Only when I want to be, but I'm not a danger to you or your family. That I can promise you. But if you do not want me here, I'll leave."

"Liz –" She shot Jorfel a fiery glance, making him shut his mouth. She went back to studying Ren as the seconds ticked by, tempting him to skim the surface of her thoughts.

He didn't blame her for being protective over her family. Her questions were meant to gage what kind of person they were allowing into their home and their livelihood, and Ren would have been shocked if not one of them were curious as to who he was before he came here.

Some sort of inner dialogue played out on her round face, said conflict being such that Lizari failed at keeping the reactions to herself.

"I believe you." That floored him since he was so sure by her expressions that she was getting ready to boot him out of the house. "I'm sorry for being hard on you, it's just –"

Ren held his hand up to stop her. "It's fine. I understand." What he didn't understand was why these people still allowed him to be here after finding out about his questionable past. Something felt off about the whole thing…. They were being way too understanding.

Lizari grabbed her belly as she pushed back the chair and stood to address the four men. "Well, I'm going to go to bed and I expect you boys to clean up." Terrlon groaned, but the other two agreed. She bade them all goodnight before crossing the kitchen and slipping through the door to the bedrooms.

Terr stretched his arms in the air and let out a very long, very deep yawn. "Well… we should go and get some shut eye, too. Come on, Garreaus."

Terr attempted to stand, but Garreaus grabbed his arm and yanked his rebellious friend back onto the chair. "You heard Liz. We need to help clean up."

The immature man let out an unnecessarily long groan. "But we're both working tomorrow and have barely spent any time together since Trydari left last week."

"You two live together," Jorfel pointed out. "You see each other in the evenings, like most normal couples do."

"But Garreaus likes to take on the persona of an old man and go to bed early," Terr countered.

"It's called being tired after a long days work. Maybe you should try it sometime instead of goofing around at the shop."

"I can help clean up. You two can head out." Ren cringed on the inside as he realized what just came out of his mouth. _The plan was to eat and then leave, not linger!_ He thought his sense of decorum no longer existed, but here it was, spilling out of his mouth like his mental guards had just sprung a leak.

"Really?" Terr eyeballed him.

Jorfel started to protest, but Ren kept going with the polite act. Or was it for real? Did he actually want to help? Better question: does he even remember how to wash dishes? "It's not a problem." _It might be._ "Besides, I'm hardly a guest since I'm going to be here for a while." An actual timetable on that would make Ren feel better.

"Perfect! Garreaus, let's get a move on!" Garreaus wasn't too thrilled over the idea of leaving behind the mess of last meal, but the guy's face screamed exhaustion, so he gave in and left with Terrlon. Ren went about the table, helping Jorfel transfer the dishes to the metal sink.

Memories of helping his parents clean up after a meal came to Ren's mind, and he found that the process was not as tedious as he thought when he was younger.

_How old was I when I last did something like this? Was I nine? It seems like eons ago._

Ren glanced out the small window above the sink, watching the two men hold hands as they walked to their place.

"You have a problem with that?" Jorfel noticed Ren's prying stare, making his attention come back to the chore at hand.

"What?" Jorfel nodded towards the couple outside, realizing what the man was referring to. "Oh… no, I don't." Ren didn't have a strong opinion toward same gender couples, mostly because he never put much thought into it. He kept to his business and let others do the same. So at the end of the day, he honestly didn't care who was in a relationship as long as they didn't try and pry into his own personal life.

Jorfel placed the last of the dinnerware in the sink, turned on the faucet, and started scrubbing away. "You were giving them an odd look."

"It wasn't from what you were implying. It's just… those two together… they seem so…" Ren was fumbling over his words, trying to find the right description and looking confused in the process.

Jorfel laughed lightly. "Different?" he finished Ren's thought.

"Yeah. Different." Jorfel offered Ren a towel to dry the plates and it wasn't long before they fell into a comfortable groove.

Wash. Rinse. Dry. Repeat.

"They are, but circumstances force you to show a side of yourself you usually keep hidden from others. Those two men have been through a lot together. We all have." This brought up more questions than answers as Jorfel alluded to them all having had shared a dramatic experience in the past. It could be how they all knew each other and by the way Jorfel was looking at the sudsy water, he was remembering what that event had been.

Ren didn't ask, nor did he pry into the guy's mind. Some people had a right to their own secrets; Ren understood that better than most.

Jorfel cleared his throat before speaking. "I'm sorry about my wife… at dinner."

Ren shook his head as Jorfel handed him a slick plate. "Don't worry about it. She was being protective, which is understandable after I revealed what I used to do."

"Mercenary," Jorfel said, trying the word out on his tongue. "I should have seen that. Guess that explains the scar across your face. Work hazard."

"Yep."

The talk turned idle as they discussed the inner workings of the shop and BB-8 watched them from a corner. The job sounded pretty straightforward: they each took turns being assigned a new case, working to solve and fix the problem as fast as possible. The quicker they worked, the more money they made, but at the same time, were expected to do a damn good job.

Jorfel told Ren that he could keep his ship on their property and seeing how Ren had nowhere else to put it, he accepted the offer and was actually able to spit out a _thank you_.

Somewhere in the deep crevasse of Ren's past were the manners he'd been taught, and they were gradually coming back to him.

()()()()()

"How about you stop standing there and start talking?" Rey spat out, feeling impatient for this woman's long overdue explanation.

Her long, white dress swayed as she pivoted to her left, looking over the various cooking utensils on the small, makeshift table. The silvery ensemble winked and glittered with as much charm and lack of warmth as their owner. The girl probably dressed in this attire to give herself an air of divinity, but Rey was not caught up in the illusion.

"It's hard to know where to begin," the woman said. She ran her hands lazily across the objects, not really interested in how they felt on her fingertips.

Rey frowned. "You could start at the beginning."

The woman glanced from beneath her turned down head. "It would seem Ben's blunt demeanor is rubbing off on you."

It irked Rey that she seemed to know enough about Ben to know his personality. _Does she see everything I see?_ "I can be plenty blunt on my own."

The side of the entity's mouth turned up minutely, but disappeared as she turned and glided over to the wall of tick marks. The silence stretched as she placidly looked over the scratches, and Rey was yet again left waiting for her to speak. "I'll start at the beginning, as you suggested," the woman said softly. She twisted, planting her form so she was fully facing Rey. "I just hope you are ready to listen."

Rey pointed to her petite ears out of annoyance "My ears are wide open."

"My name is Kayani and as Ben told you, I was once alive, but died long ago." If she really was dead, there was a good chance she had seen Rey's life _._ That was a disturbing revelation. "I've been in my spirit form for thousands of years, waiting for the most opportune time for the Force to put my plans into motion. I guess for you to understand my purpose, I should tell you of my family and the manner in which I died."

Even though her body was just a physical representation in the dream, Rey was tempted to sit down on her hammock and listen to the long tale. But she didn't want to be viewed as weak, so she remained standing.

Kayani's brow's lowered, casting a solemn shadow over her eyes. "I had loving parents and a twin brother that meant everything to me. My parents were explorers that charted the unknown territories of the galaxy, and my brother and I came along on their adventures, loving that we were among the few who were opening up new territories and discovering star systems."

The woman's voice grew more pained as her eyes became distant, remembering the fond times of her long ago childhood. "There was one planet in particular that my parents preferred to visit, taking a break from their explorations so they could take in the fresh air while letting us kids spread our legs. The majority of the planet's surface was covered by water, with only a sparse amount of islands sprinkled about. There was little to no vegetation on the island, but there was a large tree that had somehow thrived in the harsh, rocky soil."

Rey's body involuntarily leaned in as her mind clicked into place. "Ahch-To. The first Jedi Temple. That's the island you're speaking of."

Kayani nodded. "Yes, but it wasn't a temple then." Her hand swept through the air idly. "It was just an island with an abnormally large tree. My twin and I liked to race each other to see who could climb to the top of it first.

"Over the next few years," she continued, "we started to develop these abilities, and they became magnified the more time we spent around the tree. We kept this a secret from our parents, thinking that they might become afraid of the changes within us, not allowing us to go back to the island."

The woman looked to the right, her sight studying the beams as if she could distract herself from what she needed to say next. "While harnessing these skills came easily for me, my brother struggled immensely. He grew more distant and angry, and at the time I didn't know why…." For some reason, Rey's heart started pounding.

Kayani blinked rapidly, clearing her throat and letting her voice fill the AT-AT. "I was eleven the last time we went to that island. I had gone to the tree to meditate and to think of how to talk to my brother. He confronted me there, accusing me of somehow making him weaker so I could keep all the power for myself. He became violent…."

The silence expanded as Kayani took the time to get her thoughts straight. For once, Rey was not in a hurry to hear what happened next, nor did she feel inclined to rush the woman. Rey was many things, but she was not heartless. "I tried to get away, but the rage that he unleashed – I wasn't prepared for it. He overwhelmed me as he grabbed a rock and…." Kayani shook her head slowly as her voice diminished.

"The pain from the first few blows was indescribable, but my body grew numb and then I finally drifted away." Rey was dumbstruck, mouth agape and wide eyed as she looked at the sorrowful woman. To meet one's end in such a violent manner… from her twin brother no less…

Kayani's brows furrowed. "But then, as everything went dark, I could suddenly see again. Not from the eyes that were in my body, but from a more ethereal view. Everything was magnified, and I realized the energy that was encompassing me was from the tree. The Force bound my essence to it, allowing me to live, even though my body had died."

As Kayani went quiet, gazing distantly back into her memories, Rey mustered up her voice. "What happened to your brother?"

Kayani wiped at her cheeks, but there were no tears to rub away. Rey assumed it was a reflexive move as the woman's emotional state heightened. "I watched him as he realized what he'd done. He cried and grabbed my body, shaking me and yelling at me to wake up, but all he held was my corpse." Her eyes suddenly grew harsh, her voice becoming lower. "I felt for the connection him and I always shared, finding that it was still as strong as before. I couldn't hide my anger and vengeance, and he sensed that I still lived within the tree and wished to strike him down. He fled in fear and stole our family ship. As the vessel soared toward the clouds, I tried to tear his mind apart, but he countered me successfully. The ship tore through the atmosphere and before he could jump into hyperspace, I ripped"–her hand sliced through the air–"the location of the island and planet from his memory, knowing that one day, he might want to destroy it. He knew that as long as I lived, I would search for him so I could finish what I had started."

Rey watched the woman regain her steady breathing and run her hands through her long, shiny hair. "My parents returned to find me dead and my brother gone. They didn't need an explanation as to who had killed me. I watched them mourn my death and the loss of my brother. They buried me at the top of the island, creating a stone memorial in my honor. Decades and eventually centuries passed as people came and went on the island. Some of them left with Force abilities, others did not. I never knew why only certain people were affected, but in the end, the answer would not have mattered.

"It took a few thousand years until the Jedi and the Sith were formed, both sides so sure of how the Force should be used and making their own religions from their ideologies. The Jedi formed their first temple on Ahch-To since that was where their power originated."

Rey was more interested in Kayani's twin than hearing a history lesson. It didn't matter to her how the Jedi and Sith started since knowing didn't help her out in the current situation. "So, what ended up happening to your brother? How did he die?" Rey asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.

"I watched and I waited with the patience of a thousand lifetimes, but I never felt him pass. The connection I have with him would have told me the second he met his end, but it didn't. My brother had found a way to stall death and in the process, prolong his life to an unnaturally long time."

Rey took a shocked step back. "Are... are you saying your brother is still alive? He's thousands of years old and he's still alive?"

"He's over eight thousand, actually. And yes, he still lives. He was always a very cunning boy, always highly curious as to what he was capable of with the Force. Ben actually reminds me of him."

Rey's ears buzzed upon hearing the woman compare Ben to her psychotic sibling.

Dropping her voice, Rey asked, "Where is your brother now?"

"That's why I'm here, so to speak. I'm here to finally find him and rid the galaxy of his perverse evil."

"How are you supposed to find him?"

"Through Ben." Rey pinched her eyes, feeling like she was getting closer to understanding Kayani's grand plan. "You see, when Ben was only six months in the womb, his power was already so raw and pure that my brother honed in on his existence rather quickly. Ben had equal potential for being powerful in either the Dark or Light side of the Force, and if he learned how to use both, he would make for a very strong Force wielder. For just a few seconds in time, my twin let his guard down, and after thousands of years of waiting, I found him. Those seconds were enough to see what he had planned and what he desired."

"What did your brother try to do to Ben?"

"My dear, you know what my brother has done to him. Ben became his apprentice."

This was followed by a long silence. That only got longer. And longer still.

Kayani had the blank face of a sabacc player, which Rey felt like slapping right off of her.

Gods, Rey didn't even know how to process the information that had just entered her ears and ran straight into her brain. It was like the words got stuck somewhere between the place where your mind made sense of your native language and how it perceived reality. She half expected Kayani to burst out laughing and smack her knee, telling her it was all a huge joke, that Rey should see the look on her face.

Nope, Kayani's face was dead serious, just like the woman's humor.

Rey felt like dream vomiting, if that was even a thing. Her dream stomach sure was making her believe it was possible as bile rose in her throat, burning the soft tissue. The temperature rose inside the AT-AT to what had to be a thousand degrees. Rey was baking, her whole body inflamed, sweating, and her skin no doubt becoming flushed. Everything just got... hell, her mind couldn't even compute how much more complicated everything just became.

Her throat was swollen from holding back her stomach contents, but Rey was able to force out an exhale that lasted a lifetime. "Your brother… is Snoke?" Wow, her voice was barely audible, making her realize she needed to pull herself together.

Kayani's perfectly symmetrical face and round head nodded. "Yes. He formed a connection with Ben and slowly manipulated him into falling deeper and deeper into the Dark side until finally, he was consumed."

Her words brought up what Ben had told Rey and she frowned at the woman. "You said his fall was necessary. That the connection they have as master and apprentice needed to be formed."

"That connection is my way of finding him. My brother is too closed off from me because he wants to be. He isn't as closed off with Ben, because he still needs him for his personal goals. He still wants his apprentice to return to him."

"What personal goals? Taking over the galaxy?"

"That was one of them, yes, but that is not the only thing he wants from Ben. How do you think Snoke has been able to prolong his life? He takes the bodies of others. I saw that this was his true intention for Ben when he let his guard down."

Rey tensed up so hard she was in danger of falling over like a plank. And here she was, thinking that things couldn't possibly get any worse. _Premature, Rey. Very premature_ , she scolded inwardly. Her voice croaked as she asked, "Why Ben? Couldn't he just pick a stranger?"

"No, he can't. To do such a thing requires a vast amount of power, from both sides. My brother has had hundreds of apprentices, and none of their bodies have been able to last a sufficient amount of time once the transfer had been made. But with Ben, with him being so rooted in both the Light and the Dark, my twin recognized the immense potential for power. Ben being the grandson of the chosen one has plagued him in more ways than one."

Rey pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes while focusing on taking steady breaths, but her lungs only wanted to partially inflate. Ben just became infinitely more significant, but where did she play into all of this?

"Why attach yourself to me? Why not Ben?" Rey asked, unmoving.

"My brother was too focused on Ben and would have noticed me being there. I needed a much more subtle host, and I had to wait till one was born with enough power in the Force to be able to harbor two essences in one body."

Sharply, Rey snapped her eyes to the woman and gradually crossed her arms over her chest. "So you're just gonna take over my body then? Sounds very similar to your brother." Finally, some much-needed vigor was added to her voice. Frustration was a good remedy when one felt weak.

Apparently, Rey was not the only one to become angry. "Do not compare me to my brother. We are nothing alike. Not anymore. And no, I can't just take over your body. You are very much in control of your actions. I am more like a passenger and you, the driver."

 _Good._ "And after choosing me, you then formed this bond between Ben and I?"

"The Force formed your connection after I merely asked that your paths cross at some point."

"So you knew all of this was going to happen?"

"No. I came into this situation almost as blind as you. I am merely one person; I am not the Force. I cannot see how everything will play out. I have to work with what I've been given, and I couldn't let this opportunity to finally find my brother pass me by. He's unsettled the balance of the Force and has killed billions of innocent lives during his quest for domination. He needs to die, and I can make that happen. I just need you to get me to him."

Rey frowned so hard her forehead began to twitch. "And Ben is the key to finding him. It would appear he is a pawn in both you and your brother's plans. And so am I."

Kayani sneered, the expression looking foreign on a face as beautiful as hers. "We are all pawns being moved around by the Force; I am just more aware of it than you are. But make no mistake of it – I will find him and you will help me, because deep down, you know that he cannot keep living. And if he does not die, you will never have Ben to yourself. His master will never give him up."

Rey was taken aback by the woman's sudden fierceness, but her mind still remained active. A question came to her thoughts and Rey felt a strong need to have an honest answer. "Was Ben's fall to the Dark side truly necessary for your plans?"

Kayani sighed, viewing the query as absurd. "It was the most assured option of them having a strong connection."

Rey's hands tightened, her fingernails digging into her palms. "But it was not the only option?"

"Life isn't just one road."

_He could have had a different path._

"So... he could've stayed in the light and still have had a connection to Snoke? One that was strong enough for you to use?"

"The option of him falling was quicker and easier and more of a guarantee since the boy had so much darkness in him already."

Rey's eyes were sharp as daggers. "You... bitch. Do you have any idea what Ben's done? What he has to live with?"

Kayani matched Rey's tone. "I didn't force him down the path he chose."

"You didn't try to prevent it either."

"Your feelings for him grow stronger. It isn't wise for you to care for him.

"Why? Because you plan on tossing him aside after you're done with him? Are you not even interested in saving him?"

"Saving him was never part of my plan." So, the woman really didn't care about either of them. Kayani spewing about how Rey couldn't have Ben as long as Snoke was alive was just her way of trying to convince Rey to follow her plans.

"Well, saving him is a part of mine, so you'll just have to deal with it," Rey told her vehemently. "Since you've made it quite clear that I control my own mind and body, you're just going to have to sit back and watch me do what I want."

"The life you want is not possible if you don't –"

Rey harshly cut her off. "I understand your plan and I understand the stakes and even though it kills me to say it, I will help you kill Snoke. I know I can't get what I want if that creature is still alive. But don't think for one second that I don't see the truth behind your words. Ben and I are just a means to an end; you don't actually care what happens to us as long as you get to your brother. So you don't get to have a say in anything from here on out, clear?"

Kayani snarled. She actually snarled at her. "You dare–"

"Quite frankly, you have no power over me. Whatever I want, goes. And you know it."


	29. Deserters

Rey woke to darkness, feeling disoriented from the sudden shift in scenery. Or lack thereof. She blinked, letting her body feel the soft mattress and the warmth of the blankets surrounding her. Her hair was strewn across the pillow, her hands clutching onto the steel bars that wrapped around the barrier of her top bunk. Every muscle was tense, straining from the memory of her dream and the very informative talk she just had with Kayani, the girl who had taken the reins on her life without even asking permission.

Rey squeezed her lids shut and scrunched her face in anger, wanting nothing more than to scream into her pillow until she passed out from hypoxia. Everything had been laid out before her: all the plans Kayani had made, how Rey fit into her schemes, and how utterly helpless she seemed to be.

During the back and forth, she'd been more focused on how this could all effect Ben rather than herself, which was surprising given the fact she was harboring this girl and Ben was not. But now, with nothing but the soldered walls around her and Jess sleeping unaware below, she couldn't think of a single thing to distract herself from the reality that she was stuck in the middle of a war that had been going on for thousands of years. The war was not a grand one, but nevertheless, it was the most significant battle being forged in the galaxy.

And no one could see it, but her.

Through Rey, Kayani could kill Snoke. And without him, his regime would crumble. To do so, Rey would need to get close to him, and surviving such an encounter was going to take a miracle of epic proportions. Maybe she should just accept her days were numbered so she could start making peace with the life she'll never have.

 _Kayani,_ Rey inwardly sneered.

That bitch took her future away. Or, at the very least, made it infinitely more difficult to obtain. But in retrospect, the slight chance of actually having a life with Ben would never have been an option if it wasn't for Kayani. If the Force never bound her and Ben together, they never would have met. She would still be scavenging away on Jakku, waiting for a family that was never going to return.

So there Rey lay, wishing that this destiny was never forced upon her while hoping to have a future with one of the most dangerous men in the galaxy. To not have the former would mean she could not have the latter, and she just couldn't give up her connection with Ben. Not like she had a choice in her fate, but if she were given the option to start over without Kayani ever binding herself to her...

Rey would refuse.

It was tempting to deny the path she needed to take, but Rey was not the type of person who hid from a fight. Especially one as important as this. Still, the very marrow in her bones was chilled with fear, and it was going to be a struggle to not let that impact her actions.

It was impossible to go back to sleep since the last person she wanted to see was Kayani. Rey tried to relax as she stared out into the dim room through the metal bars. Jess had awoken sometime during Rey's inner dialogue and had left the room after getting ready for her day. Breakfast was probably being served, but her stomach was so tightly coiled that it left her with no appetite.

How would she be able to walk around and talk to people after discovering the truth about herself? How would she ever laugh or have fun with her friends, knowing that she had to face Snoke and most likely die in the process? Should she tell someone about Kayani, or let the weight of the truth sink her into the pit of her own despair? The obvious candidate to tell would be Ben, seeing how he knew about Kayani and her plans pertained to him as well. But… he needed this time to be alone, to hopefully find the light within himself and form the desire to return to the people who cared about him.

That was what she wanted him to find out, anyway.

Rey shifted over to face the wall, pulling the heavy covers over her shoulders so they were pressed up against her mouth. If Snoke somehow retrieved his apprentice and Ben's body survived the transfer….

The hypothetical scenario was too much to imagine, so Rey chose not to.

Instead, Rey let her mind drift to the memory of being curled up next to Ben, sleeping against him throughout the night. It had only been a couple nights ago, but it all seemed so far away, like it had happened to a stranger. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around her middle, envisioning that Ben was holding her and whispering into her ear words of comfort.

Sometimes, all you needed to calm your erratic heart was the knowledge that someone in the galaxy cared about you. Rey remembered what Ben's body felt like against hers, how his warmth had been addicting and in that moment of recollection, something fell into place within her mind. It was peaceful and resonating, and was letting her know that she would see Ben again. Right now, that assurance was exactly what she needed to recharge and feel strong about the obstacles ahead.

Two taps came from the door and Rey froze, even though she wasn't moving to begin with. Maybe if she pretended not to be there, the visitor would leave.

"Rey? You in there?"

_Crap._

Finn sounded worried, which panged her with guilt. Her friend was probably wondering why she skipped breakfast, because that's what friends did for one another. They cared.

On mental command, she opened the door and twisted around to the entrance. Finn's eyes found her immediately and what do you know, they were saturated with concern.

Finn stepped inside as the door whizzed shut. "You weren't at breakfast," he said, pointing out the obvious, his voice quiet and matching the ambiance of the room.

Rey patted her hair down, realizing that she more than likely appeared haggard and unkempt. "I, uh…" _Lie._ "My stomach was upset when I woke up, so I thought I'd rest and wait for it to pass."

"Is there anything I can get you? I can take you to Medical."

She waved her hand about, trying to convey that her 'ailment' was not serious. "I feel a lot better, actually. I was just going to start getting ready." Rey leaned over the ladder and started her descent down to the cold floor. The thick socks she wore granted her reprieve from the chill hitting her toes.

"Well, if you're up for it, some fresh snow fell during the night and I was gonna go take a look. Wanna join?"

"Outside?"

Finn laughed. "Yeah, that's where the snow is."

"But… it's cold," Rey stated.

"I know you don't like the cold and I'll admit, I'm not the biggest fan of it either, but it's not completely horrible. C'mon. We won't stay out there long. Promise." Finn really wanted to spend time with her, and Rey didn't know how to say no to him.

 _Hopefully we don't stay outside for more than five minutes._ "Fine," she acquiesced.

Finn's grand smile was infectious, causing Rey to feel a flicker of excitement, which was immediately snuffed out when her dream came back to her thoughts. She put a hand on the ladder in what appeared to be a casual gesture, but in reality, it was helping her stay upright as she became dizzy.

"I'll wait out in the hallway while you get dressed," Finn said. "Oh, and wear something warm." She didn't have many clothes, but Jess did tell her that she could wear anything of hers. And thank goodness they were about the same size.

She needed to clear her mind of the fallout from the bomb that was dropped on her during the dream, and hanging out with Finn seemed like a good solution.

Finn headed for the entryway and disappeared behind the steel door. Once Rey was confident that her legs could work properly, she quickly began to rifle through Jess's things before settling on an insulated pair of dark trousers, a white long sleeve shirt, and a puffy red jacket. She slipped on Jess's snow boots that were a size too big, but Rey would have to make do. She was about to head out when a knock came at the door.

Her heart jumped into her throat, for she knew the person on the other side was not Finn.

"Come in," she said louder than usual, and as the door slid open, her body squared off at Luke Skywalker.

He stepped inside, wearing the usual cut of Jedi robes, but these were dark brown instead of the usual light beige. Heavy bags sagged under his eyes, his face pale, making his appearance look borderline ill. Rey'd never seen the Jedi Master look this unsettled, but then again, with her lack of sleep during the night, she probably didn't look much better.

"Rey," he hoarsely said her name. "I was hoping we could talk." She'd had enough serious conversations to last her a very long time, and she was not really in the mood to add another to the list.

Her shoulders bobbed up and down, making her appear indifferent. "I have nothing else to say."

"Yeah, but I do. I just need a few minutes. Please." Luke was tired and seemed more like a normal man than a Jedi Master as he begged Rey for some of her time.

The sight of Luke was why she agreed to listen.

He stroked his beard, a nervous gesture Rey had come to recognize. "I'm not here to ask you more about Ben and how… close you two became. I'm here to ask you to continue your training." She opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off. "I know, you don't want to be trained by someone who's lost hope in their nephew, and I understand your reasoning."

His eyes darted to the ceiling as he collected his thoughts. "You're right, though. It's not the Jedi way to give up on those who have fallen to the Dark side. I know this, but Rey… if you take away my title and the stories that paint me as being this big hero of the galaxy, all that's left is a man. At the core, I'm just a person, and I struggle with holding onto my beliefs."

He sighed heavily. "In the beginning, I didn't want to establish a Jedi academy. I wanted to be left alone, to live out my life in peace. But then I saw that the Jedi needed to be brought back from extinction, so I did my duty." Rey frowned a little. She thought Luke had always wanted to build up the Jedi.

"When Ben was brought to the school, he was quiet, but quickly became my best student. I started to lean on him for help and sought his counsel when making decisions. I came to trust him with everything I built, and even though the other students were wary of him, they came to view him as a mentor and an authority figure. For the first time in years, I didn't have to take on this huge responsibility of building up the Jedi alone, because I had Ben." Rey's heart fluctuated upon hearing how much Luke had relied on his nephew. She couldn't control the sympathy she felt for this man, and her eyes went to the floor when it became too difficult to look at his pained expression.

"And then… he betrayed me," Luke said, his voice turning reedy. "He knew I was out searching for him, and he took that opportunity to strike the academy, knowing I could never make it back in time to save my students. I felt every one of their deaths, and I still feel them in my dreams."

Luke rubbed his eyes with his forefinger and thumb, attempting to keep himself composed. "Ben is my sister's son. He is my nephew. It's hard for me to believe he could be that person again after everything he's done to the galaxy... and to me. But if my father could turn away from the darkness, then I have to believe that Ben could as well." Luke did not explicitly say that he _did_ believe, just that he _has_ to believe that Ben could return. Rey immediately picked up on the difference.

This was a man who had personally lived through Ben taking everything from him and yet, he still remained in the Light. It was very humble of Luke to admit that he struggled with his ideologies and that beneath it all, he was just a person, like everyone else.

"You need to keep training and learn how to control the power you possess," he implored. "The Dark side calls to you Rey, and I don't want to see you fall into its lies. If you'll let me, I want to help you."

Luke watched and waiting for her to react to his admissions. She relaxed her arms at her sides and contemplated Luke's offer. The Dark side was a path she didn't want to take, and she knew she needed help in harnessing her abilities and she did want to learn….

And she needed to be more powerful to be able to face Snoke.

"I remember how eager you were in the beginning for me to teach you, how you desired to become a Jedi," Luke added hesitantly. "Has that changed?"

"No. It hasn't," she answered honestly. It was just being taught by someone who directly held ill feelings toward the man she cared about made things difficult. But after everything Luke explained, she could understand his struggle. Relate to it, even.

Rey nodded her head slowly. "Okay. I know I should keep training, and that I could use your help. But… don't ask me about Ben. That's all I ask."

Luke shook his head. "Rey, I don't like you keeping secrets from me."

She thought of Kayani, but she wanted to tell Ben first before anyone else. "I'll tell you everything. Soon. I promise. I just need time to think on my own." Luke gave her a concerned stare before reluctantly nodding. He didn't want to push her, so he would have to wait till Rey deemed it necessary for him to be in the know.

"Finn told me you two are going outside for a bit."

She chuckled lightly and flashed a weary smile. "Yeah, well, I don't know why. I hate the snow."

"I'd take it over sand."

Rey inwardly disagreed.

Luke showed himself out, but turned back to Rey before disappearing. "Come to the training center on the main floor after lunch. Finn can show you where it is if you don't know." Luke smiled coyly. "We never did try out your saber." He let the statement hang in the air as he walked away.

Spending time with Finn, lightsaber training with her new weapon, having Luke train her again – the day was quickly looking up considering how the night had gone.

()()()()()

**I've been a scavenger as long as I can remember. I worked for others at first, climbing into ducts and conduits too small for grown-ups. Some of the scavengers I helped were kind, like Ivano Troade and Mashra. Others – whose names I won't mention – thought I was their property.**

**I was still young when I realized that I knew how to scavenge and survive on Jakku better than any of them. They needed me, but I didn't need them. So I struck out on my own.**

**At first nobody took me seriously. But I had–**

The door to the break room slid open, Terrlon gliding inside while wiping his greasy hands on an overly oily towel. Ren closed Rey's journal, placing it on the unoccupied sofa cushion next to him.

"Whach'ya readin'?" Terr asked as he crossed the small room to the long metal table off to the side. He grabbed a Jogan fruit from the pile of snacks, making quick work of the outer layer.

Ren shrugged, not wanting to talk about the journal to anyone. Especially Terr. The guy was crude and would try to pry information out of him about Rey – specifically anything that could be labeled as sexual. Being the youngest – at the age of twenty three – put the man's immaturity on a whole different level than everybody else.

"Okay." Terr chucked the Jogan seed in the waste bin and proceeded to wipe off his face and hands on his grimy shirt. "You know why you're in here, right?"

Of course Ren knew why he was here. He didn't suddenly develop amnesia in the last twenty minutes and forget the finer points of how his life led him to being put on lock down in the break room. Come to think of it, forgetting everything sounded like a pretty slick deal at the moment. But the universe had never really cared about Ren's wants, so he wouldn't hold his breath for that miracle to strike the grey matter under his thick skull.

Ren groaned internally, holding back a snide remark and instead settling on staying quiet.

"You understand what you did wrong?" Wrong was a strong word to use, since Ren did not view himself as the 'wrongdoer.' Terrlon leaned against the break room table, arms crossed, trying to put on a stern face. The expression didn't fit the guy, and Ren wondered why Terr was chosen to lecture him on customer service. Jorfel owned the place, why wasn't he the one taking care of this? At least he would be able to take Jorfel seriously….

Ren sighed, running a hand through his thick hair, glancing at the chill box in the corner. The orange and yellow ray's of the morning sun streamed through the high window above, reflecting off the box, reminding him that it wasn't even afternoon yet and he'd already snapped at one of the customers – which he believed to be necessary. "The guy wasn't letting me explain that the problem was with the terrain sensors. He was adamant that something was wrong with the engine, but it was perfectly fine. I was trying to get him to listen to me."

Terr nodded slowly and pursed his lips. "Okay, but blatantly calling him a moron wouldn't make him inclined to listen to you."

"It should since I'm telling him how much of an idiot he is," Ren muttered under his hot breath.

"I know it might shock you, but people generally don't like to be called stupid to their faces. Even if it is true."

Ren crossed his arms so they wouldn't become overly animated. "Well, if he was so sure he knew what the problem was, why even bring the speeder into the shop? If he is _soooo_ smart, he can figure out how to fix it himself."

Terr snorted. "Oh, come on. He wouldn't have been able to fix it on his own. The guy clearly knew nothing about mechanics. He didn't even know the difference between a sonic wrench and a torque spanner."

"See? The guy is dense."

Terr rubbed the frustration out of his tight face and breathed into his hands. His head shook and he stared at Ren in disbelief. "Do you really know nothing about interacting with other people? Were you a mercenary the moment you came out of the womb?"

"No," Ren stated through clenched teeth. "I've only been doing it the last six years." Ren answered the last question, purposefully avoiding the first one.

"And how old are you now?"

Ren shifted on the cushion. "Twenty-nine."

The tall man quirked an eyebrow. "What? Really? You're twenty-nine? Man, you're old. I thought you were younger." Ren narrowed his lids, not appreciating being called "old." He was twenty-nine, not eighty.

Terr cleared his throat as the determination came back to his demeanor. "Anyway, before you killed people, you must have interacted with the living for the first twenty-three years of your life. Right? Try to remember what that felt like."

"I hate interacting with people," Ren replied under his breath.

"Holo-news flash: nobody does, but ya gotta do it." The hard cast in Ren's jaw and the strain in his shoulders was a testament to how much Ren didn't want to deal with dim-witted people. Which was basically everyone that surrounded him, with only a few exceptions. He was still unsure whether Terr was one of those people or not.

Terr glanced at the closed door and leaned in slightly, giving off the impression that he was trying to be discreet about something. "How about you and I make a little deal? Just between us and we won't tell the other two. Or Liz."

"What deal?" Ren asked, intrigued.

"I hate working on speeders. I'm much better with ships. So how about when I get assigned a case with a speeder, you take it, no matter how busy you are. And in return, I'll deal with the customers for you."

Sounds doable, but… "You like dealing with customers?"

"I can be a people person when I want to be. You, on the other hand, might just be a lost cause in that department." That assessment was entirely on point and earned Terr a rarely seen grin from Ren.

"Deal," Ren agreed. Terr stuck out his hand, waiting for Ren to shake on it.

"I am not touching those grimy mits of yours."

Terr glanced at his hands, noticing just how dirty they actually were. "But it's the only way to make it official."

"My word is concrete."

"Okay. Fine. Have it your way. Oh, and if anyone asks, tell them I gave you a stern warning to be a better employee from here on out."

_Yeah, no one would believe that._

"Was Jorfel considering firing me?" Ren was not exactly employee material.

Terrlon burst into a laughing fit, surprising Ren since the question was not supposed to be a joke. "Gods, no. We've all had our fair share of getting into it with a customer. Garreaus once punched a guy and Jorfel let that slide. Besides, the way BB-8 has been organizing all of Jorfel's electronic files has the guy wanting to keep you as an employee forever, just so he can have BB-8's help. And the way you fixed that V-35 Courier was pure magic. Jorfel hasn't seen that level of skill, like, ever. Seriously, he'd been trying to figure out what was wrong with that thing for a week, and then you take one look and somehow find it in seconds. You grow up around a lot of landspeeders or something?"

Ren shrugged. "I liked taking things apart when I was younger."

"Well, you have a gift my friend. Don't waste it."

Ren knew what it felt like to be wasteful. His whole existence was starting to slowly look that way.

()()()()()

The fire pit crackled with a threatening heat, casting the men's long shadows across the dirt field and onto the back of the house. The wintry breeze was soft, only plaguing the four men with a small amount of wind chill. Up above, thousands of stars flickered into view, showcasing their serene sparkle against the cloudless night sky.

As Ren sat in a chair that was too small for his build, he wondered which star held the planet Carlac.

He nestled his gloved hands further into the thick coat Garreaus had offered him. After work, Ren found out that Garreaus and Terr had a series of exercise equipment in their home, and Garreaus extended an invitation for Ren to join him. He was going to say no, but the hard labor throughout the day reminded him of how weak his body had become and that he needed to do something to rectify that troubling situation. So he ended up joining the man before dinner, the heavy lifting and cardio helping immensely in raising his spirits.

The smoke suddenly shifted over to his direction, making him move his chair a bit to the right and BB-8 followed. The three men were having a lighthearted conversation, but Ren wasn't paying much attention. Lizari had gone to bed early with Anna, mumbling something about how being pregnant was the worst thing in the universe.

Ren took her word for it as she wobbled to her room.

Ren was still surprised that he'd agreed to attend their little get together outside, but he actually didn't feel like being alone on his ship for once. He'd already read through Rey's journal four times, his thoughts always going to her when he was alone, making his touch ache for her. He'd rather take any physical pain than have this hollow feeling in his gut.

"Bail?" Terr had been trying to get his attention and Ren finally registered that he was, in fact, Bail. It was proving to be difficult to get used to that name.

"Huh?" Ren glanced across the flames, wondering what the man had been saying.

"What kind of tricks can you do with your magic?" Terr gave his voice a tinge of mysticism and his features looked wild with ideas.

"Using the Force isn't magic, nor should it be used for tricks," Ren said sternly.

"What are you, a Jedi or something? There's no reason to take things so seriously."

Jorfel, who was sitting to Ren's right, piped in on the exchange. "It's his choice what he wants to use his abilities for."

"What do you want me to do?" Ren interrupted, startling the three men by his sudden willingness to entertain them. The way Terr had described him as being too serious and a Jedi had set him on edge, and now he wanted to prove the guy wrong. Except, the last time Ren had actually been a fun person was when he was twelve.

Something twinkled in Terr's eyes and it wasn't from the flames. "Can you make me fly?"

They all sat there, anticipating him to say no, but instead, he decided to give Terr what he asked for. Besides, what the guy wanted was extremely simple to accomplish.

Terr's body rose slowly at first, giving him time to adjust to the fact that he was, indeed, levitating two meters off the ground.

Garreaus and Jorfel looked at the spectacle, both at a loss for words as they marveled at the feat before them. Terrlon, on the other hand, was just as chatty as ever. He kept asking everyone if they were seeing what was happening, as if he wasn't holding everyone's attention.

A coy smile formed on Ren's lips as a cruel thought crossed his mind. He wasn't sure if he should do it, but what the hell, Terr wanted to fly and Ren wanted to give the guy an authentic experience.

Terr shot straight up, making his form meld into the dark sky. The guy yelled out of pure terror, but then Ren realized it wasn't Terr who screamed, it was Garreaus. Both him and Jofel were on their feet, searching for Terr in the darkness, looking beyond concerned and in the realm of being sick.

Ren hadn't thought of how the stunt would affect Terr's friend and partner. Anyone not trained in the ways of the Force would find the propulsion horrifying to witness. Guilt twitched in his calloused heart as he felt Terr arch in the air and begin his decent downward. For the next part, Ren would need more than his mind to stop the guy from breaking every bone in his body.

Ren cracked his arm out, focusing on slowing Terr's fall. Gently, he placed the guy a few feet from his starting point as Garreaus grabbed him and eagerly searched for any injuries.

"Are you okay? You went so high and disappeared and I panicked." Jorfel came close, but didn't encroach. Ren didn't move. He braced himself to be yelled at and reprimanded. "Terr?"

Terr's glossy eyes were dazed, his hair a mess, and his skin red from the blast of cold air. He put a shaky hand on Garreaus' shoulder as his stare came to focus on the man. "That. Was. Amazing." Terr's smile was so wide, it threatened to tear his face in half. He glanced at Ren. "I need to do that again."

"Nope. No," Garreaus protested. "I don't think I can handle that again."

"But you don't understand. For a moment, it felt like I was actually flying. Fly-ing. And the rush… it was incredible."

"Maybe some other time," Ren chimed in. He didn't want to make Garreaus have a heart attack. Terr was obviously torn, but he conceded and settled back into his chair, not even attempting to fix the mess that was his hair.

The talk soon turned idle, but somehow, it circumvented back to Ren's force abilities.

"You best be careful with who you show your powers to," Jorfel warned. "There are people in the galaxy who would kill you just for having them."

Garreaus scoffed as he tossed a twig into the fire. "Yeah, that fucking monster would hunt you down and murder you. Remember what he did last year at Capital City?" Ren stiffened, knowing exactly who they were talking about.

"Yeah," Jorfel answered. "Killed five people just because someone thought they were Force sensitive."

"If you're Force sensitive, you can sense the Force in others," Ren cut through abruptly.

None of the guys were impressed by the new information.

"What are you trying to say?" Garreaus asked, his tone almost harsh.

 _What I am trying to say is that I sensed the Force within all those individuals and I had orders to kill all Force sensitives that I came across_. "Nothing. Just making an observation."

"Well, just listen to Jorfel, alright? You don't want to be showing off your abilities unless you want to be staring into the mask of Kylo Ren." And there was the name drop, which wasn't too surprising. If you didn't live under a rock, then you knew the name Kylo Ren, had heard about his reputation.

Something about Garreaus' tone sounded personal, though, which was weird since Ren was sure he'd never done anything to the man. Or did he just not remember?

Indignation wafted into the air and it was coming from all three men. Ren had always been a curious person and right now, his curiosity could not be wrangled in. Before he could think through his actions, he skimmed the surface of Garreaus' thoughts, finding –

"You were a stormtrooper. For the First Order," he breathed out, not hiding how utterly floored he appeared. Everyone mirrored his shock, but for different reasons.

After moments of only hearing the fire pop and sputter, Garreaus spoke quietly. "You can read minds, can't you?" The man didn't even try to deny his origins, which Ren appreciated.

Ren nodded, not knowing what to say, but having a thousand different questions flip through his brain.

"Well, that's… invasive," Terr said.

"I can't always stop it. Sometimes it just happens." Although, that was a lie now wasn't it. Ren had purposefully searched the guy's mind, but he didn't want them to know that.

"He isn't the only stormtrooper," Jorfel spoke as he leaned forward, seeking more warmth from the fire. "We all are. Or, I guess, were." Ren's mouth fell wide open, his jaw feeling like it should be resting on the ground. Few things had ever truly shocked Ren during his life, and this would have to be under the top five.

Number one being his grandfather, of course.

"You… are all deserters?" Ren asked while blinking at each of them.

Garreaus chose to answer. "Yeah, technically we are, but the Order abandoned us first."

There was a story behind that statement and Ren needed to know what it was. "What does that mean?"

Terr glanced at his boss and friend as he tried to wipe the cold from his nose. "Jorfel, you should tell him. You're better at telling the story than we are."

"We shouldn't say anything at all," Garreaus pointed out.

Terr rolled his eyes dramatically. "Oh, please. He already knows the truth. We might as well tell him how our desertion came about. And he has just a good of a reason to not be found by Kylo Ren as we do." The three men glanced at one another, silently talking through their eyes and expressions until Garreaus finally nodded and Jorfel took a moment to gather his thoughts.

Jorfel moved in his chair, twisting his torso so he could talk to Ren straight on. "Garreaus and I were in the same unit, assigned to the moon Cynda. The moon was mined during the time of the Empire, and the First Order was wanting to make it operational again to find thorilide deposits. The problem was, we weren't supposed to be there. So we had to work secretly, not able to obtain many mine workers for fear that The Republic would find out about us." Ren knew about Cynda and the horrible blunder that turned out to be, but he pretended like he didn't know where the story was going.

"We had been stationed there for what, three months?" Jorfel glanced at Garreaus for confirmation. The guy nodded . "Yeah, so four years ago, the mine suddenly collapsed and everything went to shit and we all ended up being trapped below the surface."

Ren remembered how furious Hux had been over the loss of the mine.

"We were down there for thirty-one Galactic Standard days, with little to nothing for food and ice as our only means of water. It didn't take long for us to realize that the First Order wasn't going to get us out. Such a rescue might draw unwanted attention. So we were left there to die, like the insignificant soldiers we were," Jorfel said bitterly.

"A lot of us died in the collapse and after, but in the end, twenty one of us remained. When we finally got out, we all swore to never go back to the Order, and none of us ever did. We still keep in contact with the rest of the guys, though. All of them have started new lives."

_Twenty-one has-been stormtroopers._

Compared to the population of the rest of the galaxy, twenty-one people was as insignificant as a grain of sand. The likelihood of meeting one of these twenty-one deserters was astronomically low, and Ren now knew three of them. Ren knew how to discern between what was a coincidence and what was fate, and this was obviously the latter.

Ren swept his hair to the side as a soft breeze tried to tousle it into his line of sight. "How did you all get your names?"

"Lizari was a communications officer on the mine and a wicked good techie. After our escape, she was able to get into the Galactic Identification Archives and create a profile for each of us. Liz was the only officer to survive the collapse, which was a good thing, because any other officer wouldn't have been onboard with the plan of deserting. But Liz agreed to it." Jorfel coughed, the cold air starting to irritate his voice the more he spoke. "She wasn't brought up in the Order like we were. She had a family who put her through the officer program. I thought it would be hard for her to leave them behind, but apparently they treated her like shit her whole life. So making the decision to have a new one came easy for her."

"What about Terr?" Ren asked Jorfel. "Why was he at the mine?"

Terr decided to speak up. "Wrong place at the wrong time. I was a pilot and was given orders to bring a shipment of supplies to Cynda. I was unloading them below when the collapse happened. I broke my right leg and arm and thought I was going to die down there." Terr affectionately looked at the man sitting to his right, taking his hand into his. "Garreaus dug me out and hasn't left my side since."

Garreaus smiled, the two men sharing a moment together. "No, I haven't."

Ren glanced away at the open display of fondness. It always made Ren uncomfortable to see such form of love from people, and he never knew how to respond to it. So he tried to ignore it by looking into the dancing flames.

"Did you and Garreaus have any specialties?" Ren posed the question at Jorfel as he gradually tore his gaze from the fire.

"I was a mechanic and Garreaus specialized in weapons."

"You thinkin' about turning us in?" Garreaus asked abruptly.

"No," Ren found himself saying. Loyalty for the First Order was still in his blood, but to turn these people in… he just didn't have it in him to do it. Besides, his loyalty to the Order was in its ideals, not with the people who ran the regime. If Hux had some defected stormtroopers running about the galaxy, that was his problem, not Ren's.

That thought alone almost made him grin, but he absconded from doing so. Inwardly, though, he skipped around in glee.

Funny how this knowledge didn't make him feel differently about FN-2187…. Ren still held out hope that that guy would somehow die since he obviously couldn't kill him. Rey would retaliate against Ren for sure if he ever hurt the trooper.

Rey....

He wondered what she was doing right then, and for some reason, a picture of her laughing with her stormtrooper came to mind. Ren's blood started to boil from such an image and he couldn't stop from feeling jealous of the man. The trooper got to spend time with Rey while he was out here, doing Force knows what. Stars, he never should have left her.

Someone cleared their throat, bringing Ren back to the present. They were all staring, waiting for him to elaborate as to why he wouldn't turn them in. "Turning you all in would put me at risk of being found as well."

_No harm in being somewhat honest about this._

"Wait, they want to find you?" Jorfel asked.

Ren nodded. "Remember the girl I couldn't kill? That job was given to me by the First Order."

Jorfel eased back, his eyes unfocused as they roamed over the dark field. "Well. Looks like all our lives have been screwed over by the same people." _More like my compassion is what screwed me over_. But Ren knew that wasn't true.

What ruined his life was killing his father.


	30. What is Love?

Days went by as Ren fell into a rhythm of working at the shop during the day, exercising with Garreaus before dinner, and then idly gazing at the stars before heading off for another restless night. He would usually wait till everyone was well into bed before venturing out into the field, treading through the tall grass and shuffling across hard patches of dirt. The flickering light of the inner city was more than enough to illuminate his path, but he rarely glanced down.

Tonight, Ren ended up in a chair by the fire pit – his body slouched, rear on the edge of the seat and his neck resting on the back. Upward, he gazed at the passing stars, all of them slowly moving and arching in the black sky. They were the ghosts that plagued the darkness, hauntingly reminding the void that there were glimmers of light amongst the morbidity of uncertainty.

These quaint excursions would always leave his throat scratchy and his face numb from the steely air, but Ren didn't mind in the slightest. Pain had always been his ally, helping him to focus and cultivate his endless supply of anger and resentment. Something had to keep him going, and it damn well wasn't going to be the Light.

So that was why he breathed through the sting deeply, fighting down the urge to cough, relaxing into the blaze of his lungs.

It was surreal not to have his lightsaber constantly on his belt and to present himself as a regular person. The last week had been strangely fine, his temperament never getting out of control and his feverish mouth never coming out to sneer at others. So far, at least. All in all, everything seemed good… and that was why he needed the pain.

While part of him did actually enjoy acting this normal, there was that sinister part of him that was left wanting. It was twitching beneath the surface, demanding to be freed to feed on the misery of others and to unleash a heavy stream of violence on the unsuspecting. The pressure was cosmic, attractive, and alive. He just wanted that release, to hold a life in his grip and squeeze until he felt their pulse stop and watch their eyes grow hollow. If he didn't find someway to liberate this pent up energy soon, he was going to explode, the shrapnel hurling towards those in the vicinity.

Ren had an idea on how to find it, but he hadn't done something like that since he was a child. Something had to give, though, so he closed his eyes and scanned the surrounding area for life forms. He honed in on a loth-cat almost immediately, sensing that the creature was close and had been watching him with its curious eyes from a patch of tall grass.

Gradually, Ren eased his breathing, focusing on connecting to the animal's mind, coaxing it to come closer to the kind and compassionate human it was studying. It took a few minutes since loth-cats were vicious little creatures, but the thing gradually started to trust him. It inched closer, looking at Ren eagerly, like he was going to give the thing a treat.

Ren ordered the creature to stop a few feet from him as his brows lowered over his eyes and his lips parted in anticipation. He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees and his fingers weaving together. His body was a menacing statue of the night, still and terrifying.

The loth-cat elevated in the air, its eyelids fluttering as it let out a constant stream of strangled moans and mewling, like it was half-uttered pleas. Betrayal rippled from the cat, for it had trusted Ren to not bring harm unto it. Next was its fear. Ren inhaled the hurt, getting drunk on the saturation of sin and focusing so hard on his victim that his back burned and his eyes strained. He was dragging the show out purposefully, but he knew when enough was enough and he decided to finish before he found it too difficult to stop.

_Pop, pop, pop!_

The small bones of the loth-cat broke in quick succession as Ren crushed the furry body. He sat back and the creature's form hit the ground with a soft thud. As quickly as he got a rush from killing the animal, it was taken from him. More like ripped out of his gut and stolen, like he didn't deserve to fill up his sinister side with the death of an innocent animal.

Usually, he could ride the high for a few hours, but he wasn't even granted a few intimate seconds to feel pleased and satisfied. Ren had enjoyed the display as it was happening, but he felt the let down once it was over. Something inside of him was ruining this moment and he wanted to find it, bash it into mulch, and exorcise it from his soul.

 _If Rey could see you now_ , a voice whispered.

Ren ground his teeth and cradled his head in his hands. If Rey had seen what he'd just done, she would have lost it for sure.

_But she doesn't understand…_

_Do I even understand? Am I a slave to the violence and pain?_

For as long as Ren could remember, he always had this part of himself, the part that craved to hurt the living. He began to torture and kill animals very early in life, the voice in his head goading him to take pleasure in his power. Threepio had walked in on one of the vicious killings and had immediately told his parents, marking the beginning of when they started to distance themselves from him.

Ren was attached to the violence in ways that complicated things, yet changed nothing at all. Rey knew it; she wasn't an idiot. She didn't know how to go about trying to change that about him, but what she didn't realize was that by just existing it was awakening something inside him that made it harder to enjoy other's agony.

Stars, he couldn't stand emotions. Or himself, if he were to be more specific. That was why he had dove into the Dark side, to rid himself of this inner conflict. Ren pressed harder on his head, despising himself. He deliberately leaned into the emotion so that it bit into his mind. Swallowing the flare of condemnation, he held it in his gut, using it as a reminder that he was a screwed up freak, down to the marrow, and he deserved to get hurt.

At this point, Ren was trembling enough to levitate out of his chair. These two sides within him were going to tear him apart some day and leave a dead man in its wake. Gods, he couldn't take it anymore. Rey wanted him to be the kind man he used to be and he wanted to be with her so badly. But he couldn't shake off this monster inside him... and neither did he completely want to.

The constant reminder of what he couldn't have and shouldn't want was killing him. And the Force knew he was already in bad shape.

Ren sensed someone stirring in the house behind him, coming closer to the door that led outside. Quickly, Ren launched the dead loth-cat clear across the field and watched it descend somewhere among the sea of grass in the distance. Rubbing the sour expression from his face, he tried to appear like he hadn't been having an internal crisis. He sat back, looking casual, and was pretty sure he was failing miserably at it.

The door slid open, footsteps coming his way. Not uttering a single word, Jorfel sat in the chair to Ren's right, shifting around till he was comfortable.

Jorfel and Ren sat quietly for a while, him getting back to his previous search of the stars and Jorfel leaning closer to the pit, as if it were emitting a secretive warmth. Looking at the balls of light made it feel like Rey could somehow see Ren and he imagined digging a hole in the freezing ground and jumping inside, suffocating on the dirt that covered him.

"You thinking about that girl, aren't ya?" Jorfel broke the silence, raising the hood of his coat over his head.

Ren craned his head, looking at the solemn man next to him. "Why do you ask that?"

Well, it's not like Terr allowed anyone to forget that Ren had a 'secret lady' somewhere in the galaxy. It was only a matter of time before Garreaus or Jorfel started asking questions.

"I've seen you, coming out here every night, looking at the stars. Only one thing makes a man do that and it's a woman."

Ren didn't answer, but the silence more than gave his thoughts away. He wondered if Jorfel had witnessed what he did to the loth-cat, but if he had, he was positive the man wouldn't be sitting comfortably beside him.

"How complicated are things between the two of you?" Jorfel asked.

Ren ticked the reasons off in his head: his master wanted her dead, he would prefer to get rid of her best friend, he took away the only father figure she ever had, and they were aligned on opposing sides of the Force – none of which were a very conducive foundation for a relationship.

"Very," Ren replied on a heavy exhale.

"Her family not approve of you or something?"

Ren almost burst out laughing, but settled for a smirk. "Something like that."

"Can I, uh, ask you a personal question?" Ren didn't immediately say no, but he didn't say yes either. Discussing anything on a personal level or even remotely emotional made his abdomen twist into tight knots. The only person he was open to talking about such things with was Rey, and the one time he did nearly made him run from the room.

But… dammit, he told himself to not be closed off from people and Jorfel was not a complete stranger. Gradually, Ren nodded and then waited for the mysterious question. "Are you trying to change so you can be with her?"

Ren's face furrowed as he contemplated the thought-provoking query. "I " Ren fumbled. "She's one of the reasons why I'm here, but she isn't the only reason I gave up what I used to do." Han came to mind, like he usually did.

Jorfel rubbed his nose. "You've been thinking about her a lot since leaving her?"

"Yes."

The man twisted so he was facing Ren. "Do you wonder how she's doing?"

"Constantly," Ren breathed out.

"Does she bring out parts of yourself you never thought existed?"

Ren narrowed his eyes at Jorfel, trying to figure out if the guy was going to ask him weird questions all night. "Yeah."

"Have you ever wondered how you lived without her before she came into your life?"

 _Okaaaaaaay, this is starting to get odd._ "Are these questions leading somewhere?"

Jorfel shrugged, sitting the side of his body back against the chair. "Just tryin' to understand you a little better."

"And do you?"

"I don't know, but I'm pretty sure I know why you can't get her off of your mind." Jorfel paused, a sly grin forming on his lips. "You're in love with her."

Ren frowned, hard. "We were together less than a week. Such an emotion takes time to cultivate and appear."

"Eh, not necessarily. You can be in a relationship for four years and feel nothing; you can be with someone for four days and feel everything. Time can't measure the quality of your feelings."

_Huh._

That was an interesting view, one that got Ren to think more critically. He'd never been interested in a woman before Rey, so he had nothing to go off of to analyze his feelings for her.

Ren cleared his throat before timidly saying, "I… I've never fallen in love before. I don't even think I've ever loved anything."

Jorfel rolled his eyes, the light from the moon reflecting off of them. "Everyone has loved something, whether it was good for them or not. And I've never liked the term 'falling in love'. Loving someone shouldn't make you feel like you're falling. You should feel like you're walking into a house and suddenly knowing you're home."

Ren just sat and looked at the guy, dumbfounded that something profound could come out of his mouth. Maybe there was way more to Jorfel than Ren assumed. "You know, Jorfel, you can be very good with words."

The guy shrugged off the compliment. "Well, I have a shit ton of relationship information stored in this head of mine." He pointed to his skull. "Lizari made me read _a lot_ of books on love and relationships since being a stormtrooper gave me zero experience in that area." He leaned across the armrest of the chair, lowering his voice to a whisper. "Don't tell her, but it did kind of help. So I can't take all the credit for my _profound_ wisdom."

Ren gave a slight grin to Jorfel's confession, growing more content at being able to talk with the man. If Jorfel could ask him a personal question, maybe Ren could do the same to him. "How did you... know you loved her?"

Jorfel took a moment to think while he slouched into his chair in the same manner as Ren. Both men stopped looking at one another and instead focused on the dark sky above, showing that the conversation was starting to grow serious. "It took me a while to realize it, but once I did, it was obvious I had loved her for a long time. What we have, it's not just surface stuff, ya know? Sure, the sex is great and being able to fall asleep next to someone and feel their body is comforting, but it's not fulfilling. That stuff is not a connection; anyone can have that."

Taking a few deep breaths, Jorfel continued, "I was a soldier all my life, trained to follow orders and to not think for myself. Lizari helped me find the man beneath the surface and it was rough at first, but through it all, I found what was real. I found her. I knew her faults, saw her blemishes, and have felt her anger. Oh, have I felt her get angry at me when I've done dumb shit. But, all those things make her who she is and I wouldn't change a thing about her. To me, her imperfections make her perfect, they make her a real person."

Ren could relate to the last statement. Rey had her faults like everyone else, but Ren wouldn't change anything about her. She was an authentic person in an incredibly false galaxy and that was extremely rare to find.

"The connection between Liz and I was effortless. When she moved, I moved and when she walked, my eyes followed. You asked me how I knew that I loved her? I loved her because she loved me during the moments when I couldn't even love myself. I did some horrible shit while being with the First Order and it's still hard for me to get over it. But she made me believe I could be a different person and she gave me that chance to prove it."

Long silence. Then: "I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or helped, but I see the way you come out here and look at the stars. Just remember, really knowing someone is something else, something that is instinctive. It's a completely different thing and when it happens, you won't be able to miss it. You'll be aware and you might want to run from it at first, but don't." Jorfel stood and awkwardly lingered for a moment, looking straight ahead at the grassy field. The man seemed to be well versed from the way he had spoken about his affections for Lizari, but it had still made the guy slightly uncomfortable to do so. To be brought up in a world that punished you for thinking on your own, Jorfel still had a difficult time letting his inner desires known.

Ren watched and waited to see if Jorfel said anything more, but the guy turned and brusquely walked back into the house, not even giving Ren a glance. Others would have thought the gesture rude, but Ren understood about needing to leave a situation before your emotions overtook you.

Ren sat there, not denying the thoughts and feelings that had flowed through him during the last few minutes. Even though Jorfel was a few years younger than him, that man had lived a fuller life in solitude than Ren ever did in his years of purpose and violence. He struggled to find any lies in the words Jorfel had spoken, but all he could sense was the absolute truth.

He would know it when he felt it and he couldn't turn away from how real of a connection he had with Rey. But the connection was not the only thing that was profound. His feelings for her were from what kind of person Ren knew Rey to be: Kind, optimistic, genuine. She saw the goodness in him when he couldn't. He trusted her, he cared for her well-being, he… loved her.

Ren inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, letting the revelation surge through his veins and fill his awareness. It was terrifying, realizing that he loved someone more than his own ego and self-interests. His goals had always been about him and now, they revolved around another. His heart was vulnerable for the first time in years and he could feel how fragile it was without its walls to protect it.

Could he do this again? Put his heart out there for another to have? Ren had essentially done that with his family, for he had trusted them, and yes, even though he denied it, had loved them. That was why the betrayal had crushed him and had formed him into this person full of hate and rage.

A question popped into his mind, one he couldn't think away. If Rey didn't reciprocate his strong feelings, what would he do?

What would he do….

He wouldn't return to his life as Kylo Ren, but he wouldn't be able to be friends with her either. It would be too difficult to be around her and to not have all of her. But leaving Rey again… man, that would crush them both. Ren tried to think back to when they were together, analyzing her every move to decipher her feelings. Sure, they kissed and those moments had been incredible, but that did not mean love.

Right?

Stars, when he saw her next, they needed to have a very long and in depth discussion. But what exactly would he say to her? Would he be honest and tell her what he did to that loth-cat? Would he run through the extent of his depravity, letting her know all the ways he could kill someone with the Force and how he had practiced on his prisoners? Would he outline how his favorite kills had been cremated and their ashes placed on a pedestal, reminding him of his ruthlessness and his murderous enjoyment?

Ren glared at the night sky and uttered one of Terr's favorite words. "Fuuuuuuuuuck," he breathed out, watching the word soar into the air on a wispy cloud and evaporate into nothingness.

More than likely, if he did confess all those things, she would end up asking him just one, single question. _Do you regret it_ , he could hear the question in her voice. And then he would end up saying something like, _regret is for fools and cannot change anything_ ….

 _T_ _hat_ he did believe.

 _How in the hell is anything going to work out between us?_ She's with the Resistance and he is basically their number two enemy, right behind Snoke. Ren's thoughts kept running in circles, making him believe that him and Rey could never actually be together. But, he would need to ask her where she stood. He would let her make the decision and if she decided no… stars, Ren prayed she wouldn't say no.

()()()()()

**Han and Chewie had their own troubles – we barely had been introduced when some old friends of theirs caught up with us. There was a huge fight aboard the freighter, one that I spent trying not to get shot or torn apart by tentacles. We escaped in the Falcon, using this incredibly dangerous hyperspace maneuver I have to get Solo to explain to me if we ever get a minute of peace.**

**I've got to stop writing and get up to the cockpit. Our next stop is Takodana, where we're going to talk to an old friend of Chewie's named Maz.**

**I took a peek at Takodana on the scopes, and it looks like the planets I've dreamed about since I was a kid. Except even in my dreams they weren't this green.**

**I wonder what we'll find down there…**

_Me,_ Ren thought. _You'll find me and then your life will become infinitely more complicated_.

Ren studied the drawing of the green planet below her final entry before flipping back a page. Rey had drawn a portrait of Han and Chewie, allowing Ren to study his deceased father's face. She had captured the likeness perfectly, with his usual side grin and his scruffy hair standing out to Ren the most.

He closed the journal, letting it fall onto the mattress as he placed his hands behind his head. In his room, aboard his ship, Ren had little to nothing when it came to options for occupying his time. That was the twenty-fourth time he had read through Rey's little guide and every time he finished it, he swore to himself he wouldn't read it again. The last entry about his father and then Rey being excited to see Takodana always made him depressed, but then hours would pass by and he would think about how much he missed her. His hands would grab her book and his eyes would betray him as he started reading it all over again.

Maybe he should burn the damn thing since it always left him feeling wrecked, but he never could bring himself to do that. It was her property and she had conveyed to him how much she missed writing in it.

He stood, all but running out of his room and exiting the ship so he could get some fresh air and hopefully clear his head. Jorfel's speeder was still gone, letting Ren know that the three men were still in the city running errands. It was the end of the week and the shop was closed for the day, giving Ren nothing to do.

_Why didn't I accept their invitation to go into town with them?_

_Oh that's right, I wanted to finish reading the journal_.

Ren internally groaned.

A loud cry came from the fields to his left and Ren recognized the scream belonging to Anna. He turned, seeing Lizari pick up the wailing girl and run straight for the house. Something didn't seem right and Ren ran to meet the woman at the front entrance.

"Is there –"

"Here," Liz said quickly as she tossed Anna into his arms. She lifted up her right palm, revealing a deep gash and blood pouring out of the wound. "Watch Anna while I take care of this." She proceeded to dart into the house, holding her arm up so her coat sleeve would catch the red liquid. Ren followed her, holding a distraught Anna under her arms and away from his body, like she had a cold he didn't want to catch.

They moved into the kitchen and before Liz went into her room, she turned and hurriedly said, "Oh and wash her hands thoroughly. She found a dead loth-cat out in the field and was playing with it. I don't want her getting sick." She then disappeared behind the door, which Anna did not approve of in the slightest.

_I should have launched that animal into a different star system._

Ren's face was scrunched up, watching the girl kick her feet and roll her head back and forth in a fit of anger. For a little thing, she sure was strong. "Trust me, I hear you. I want your mother to come back, too." He tried to maneuver the small body over the sink, but Anna kept shoving her feet against the counter, making it difficult for her to get close to the running water.

Frustrated, he placed her on the ground and watched her dramatically throw her body on the floor and have a tantrum. Ren decided to get a wet washcloth and clean her hands that way, but once done, the girl did not calm down. He kneeled down next to her, trying to get her attention, but failed.

This unusual realm of consoling a child was one he'd never been in before and he was starting to panic. Ren stretched to his full height, looking about the tight kitchen for anything useful just as Liz came back. Anna darted for her mother, wrapping her arms around the woman's legs, almost causing her to fall over.

"Whoa, its okay," Lizari said as she regained her balance and Anna peered over at Ren.

For most of his life, Ren had always used his height and build as a means of intimidation. But at the moment, he felt like he was an enormous nightmare. And Anna was looking at him with haunted eyes.

Kids and him never mixed. He tried to imagine being weighed by the constant worry over some little creature and whether it was killing itself. Yeah, sure, there seemed to be some good parts to the whole experience. Jorfel and Lizari's joy from playing with Anna was very real. But, goodness, the _work_. And the screeches that could come out of a young child's mouth could be used as a weapon to shatter eardrums.

 _I am never having children_ , he thought.

But then the memory of that vision came to mind... the one where Snoke was dead, Rey was pregnant, and he was elated over the news. He scrubbed the memory away, not wanting to think about it at the moment. Or ever.

Ren focused on Lizari's hand, noticing the tight bandage and the faint appearance of red through the white cloth.

"We don't have anymore bacta patches, so I'll need to go to the medical center in town." Going to the med center would cost money that Ren knew they didn't have.

"I can take a look at it and see if I can help," he suggested.

"Do you have medical training?" Officially, no, he did not. But he wasn't planning on using the knowledge he had for this particular situation.

"I could attempt to heal it by using the Force. Only if you want, of course."

"You can do that?" She asked incredulously. He nodded, waiting for her to make a decision. Ren could practically read her face and knew she was thinking of the money she would have to pay the med center and how they were trying to save up for the new baby.

In the end, the decision to have him heal her wasn't that difficult. As Ren unwound the bandage, he scrutinized the deep gash in her palm. Placing his hand over hers, he healed the injury in seconds, not even breaking a sweat in doing so.

Liz was amazed by the whole experience and examined her perfect hand with awe and fascination. "Thank you," she whispered. A tiny sense of pride filled Ren's chest over being able to help someone and maybe, just maybe, he was cut out to be that good person Rey wanted him to be.

()()()()()

"It's your move Garreaus." Terr reminded the man. Jorfel, Ren, Garreaus, and Terr were all sitting in the lounge seat aboard his ship, taking turns playing a game of Dejarik. Right now, Ren was watching a very interesting game between Garreaus and Terr. It was interesting because Terr was actually winning, proving that the lessons of game play Ren had been teaching the man were starting to pay off.

_There is a brain beneath that skull after all._

"Don't rush me," Garreaus snipped.

"Frustrated that I'm beating you for once?" Garreaus glared, making Terr laugh at the reaction.

Ren munched on a choc bar, trying to come up with a strategy for Garreaus to win. So far, he wasn't seeing one.

"Has anyone ever told you that if you smile long enough, it becomes permanent?" Garreaus sneered, obviously getting frustrated over the prospect of Terr winning.

Terr shrugged while still holding the grin on his lips. "I don't see why that would be a bad thing. Smiles are pleasant to look at."

"It makes you look uglier than you were before."

"What you talkin' about?" Terr feigned being offended. "I am ten times better looking now than I was before this game started."

"Zero times ten is still zero," Ren pointed out. Everyone froze and looked at him. Ren stopped chewing. Garreaus and Jorfel broke into a fit of laughter while Terr sulked in his spot, glowering at the boisterous ensemble. Ren couldn't stop himself from joining in, but he didn't try that hard in the first place.

As the game ended and Terr won, much to the consternation of Garreaus, the men headed back to the house to see if Lizari needed any help with preparing supper.

"Jorfel!" Liz called from the kitchen when she heard the front door open and close. "Did you pick up any Bantha steaks this morning?" They all huddled into the kitchen, witnessing a very frazzled Liz.

"Uh, no, it wasn't on the list."

She was stunned. "But it's the main dish tonight and you knew that! You should've bought them even if they weren't on the list."

"How am I supposed to know that? I thought you already bought some."

"Have you ever seen them in the conservator?" Ren glanced around the room, not knowing what to do during the current situation. BB-8 was playing with Anna in the dining room, letting the little girl attempt at dressing the droid in her toddler clothes. Ren was sure the little girl thought of BB-8 more as a pet rather than an astromech.

"No," Jorfel stated reluctantly.

Liz crossed her arms, giving her husband an aggravated look. "Then you should've bought some."

Jorfel opened and closed his mouth a few times before saying, "But… you didn't put it on the list." His voice sounded defeated.

"I forget things, Jorfel. It's called I'm pregnant. I'm gonna need you to go back to the market to get some."

Jorfel groaned. "Isn't there something else you could make? I already went this morning and I don't feel like making the trip now."

"I can go," Ren interjected. Before they could protest, Ren grabbed his coat and said, "I should contribute to the meal in some way. And I got paid yesterday, so it wouldn't be a problem." And staying there with an angry pregnant woman did not sound pleasing.

"Are you sure?" Jorfel asked.

"Yeah, it's not a big deal."

"As long as someone goes, I don't care," Liz said sharply, giving a glare to her husband.

Jorfel turned to Ren, not even attempting to hide his relieved demeanor. "Okay. And while you're there, you might as well buy yourself some more choc bars. Your supply is getting low."

Ren chuckled while slipping the heavy outerwear over his leather jacket. "I'll be sure to do that."

He left the warm house and made the ten minute journey into town, trying to be quick as he jogged into the market, grabbed a basket, and went straight for the meat section. Only recently had he learned how to shop for himself, since it had always been done for him his whole life. There was something freeing about doing it on his own, though. It gave him a sense of control.

As he stripped the store of its chocolate supply, he overheard a conversation happening one aisle over. "I still can't believe Sheldom killed him," a man said.

"I guess it's been in the works for a while," a woman replied. "Him having to go into hiding stalled his plans, but Albenic is deader than dead now."

"It's too bad," the man spoke solemnly. "I liked how things were ran under Albenic. Sheldom seems too much like a hot head."

"That's because he is. He's going over to the Lonsmel's house to try and punish the guy for humiliating him. Honestly, Sheldom got what he deserved –" Ren dropped the basket and sprinted for the speeder, his boots pounding to the rhythm of his erratic heart.

He pushed the speeder to the breaking point as he cranked up the momentum to a dangerous level, but even then, he wasn't going fast enough. All the neurons in his brain were firing, making his thoughts jumbled and nonsensical. His panic was real, though. He could decipher that pretty clearly.

A group of speeders were parked outside the house. Ren jumped from his before it was even fully shut down, running for the entryway. Calling his saber from his room aboard the ship, he willed the freighter's doors to slide open to allow his weapon to make it out of the cargo bay and fly straight into his outstretched hand.

He had a feeling he was too late and as he barreled into the house. He saw that he was right. The sight was gruesome: Jorfel was face down in his own pool of blood, ashen and unmoving. Liz was kneeling next to her husband, wailing, holding onto the limp body of her daughter. Garreaus and Terr were gagged and tied to their own individual chairs. Both men had been beaten, but unlike Jorfel, they were alive and fighting like hell to get free.

The scene was so much to take in that Ren didn't have time to properly process what he was looking at. The six – no, seven – men standing in the room turned to him as he ignited his lightsaber.

Everyone froze, and every soul in the room immediately knew who he was.

And Ren was going to live up to his reputation in the most violent and horrific way he knew how.


	31. Drink Your Problems Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: graphic violence ahead. GRAPHIC. You've been warned.

The first thing Ren did was Force Stun Sheldom, because that piece of shit was going to get preferential treatment when all was said and done. Next, with the twitch of his head, he snapped the necks of the only three thugs that held a blaster. Now, three lucky souls remained, looking at him like he was death incarnate.

Well, in this case, Ren supposed he was.

The three men darted for the door that led to the field out back, but Ren swept his arm out, making them fly into the wall instead. He stalked forward as one of them went for a fallen blaster rifle. BB-8 rolled up to the man, zapping him before he could grab the weapon. With one quick swoop, Ren beheaded the bastard, listening to the head roll across the floor.

Ren turned, seeing for the first time how young one of the thugs was. The kid was no doubt just a teenager, still in that awkward phase of arms and legs being too long to match his stout torso and round baby face. Ren smelled the urine before he saw the evidence on the kid's pants, watching the boy falter back in fear.

"I – I didn't want to be here. I didn't know they would do this. Please…" The kid let out a guttural scream as Ren cut the boy in half. The torso fell away from the legs, the boy withering on the floor from what was going to be a slow and excruciating death. Not even the cauterization from the saber could stop the boy's bowels from dumping onto the floor and Ren made a show of stepping on the bloody pile as he casually walked to his final target.

The last man left finally got his wits about him and made one last effort for the door just as Ren stretched his arm out and –

Lizari's wails cut through Ren's bloodlust, making him turn and look back into the horrific room. Terr had somehow gotten loose and was quickly untying Garreaus. The distraction gave Ren's target enough time to make it outside and he had a choice to make: go after him, or stay and help the people who took him in.

Ren crept back into the room, noting that the halved young boy on the floor had died faster than he would have preferred. Liz, Anna, and Jorfel were still in the same positions he'd left them in, but he stopped as Terr dove for a blaster and held it steadily at Ren's face.

"Don't. Fucking. Move." For the first time, Ren saw the conviction behind Terr's bloodshot eyes.

Garreaus knelt down next to Liz, trying to look over Anna, but the woman wouldn't let go of her daughter. Ever so gently, Garreaus placed a finger on the little girl's neck, checking for a pulse.

"She's still alive!" he exclaimed. Terr briefly looked their way. Ren stepped forward, catching Terr's attention and resuming to shove the pistol closer to his face.

Realizing his lightsaber was still ignited, Ren shut it off so those left alive felt less threatened by his presence. "I can help her."

"Yeah, right." Terr snarled. "You kill people, you don't help them."

"Let me try to heal her." With those words, Liz swirled around.

"I don't –"

"Shut up, Terr!" Liz screeched before she looked pleadingly in Ren's direction. "Please, I'll do anything you ask if you just save her. Anything. Just please," she cried out. "Don't let her die. You healed my hand earlier, I know you can save her! Please!"

Ren took two long strides, closing the distance between him and the distraught woman, not even giving Terr a second glance as he fell to his knees. Garreaus eyed Ren's every move as he held onto Liz's shoulders, helping her to stay upright. Liz was still clutching onto Anna, burying the girl's body against her chest.

Ren put his hand out to touch Anna's arm. "I need to see where she's injured," Ren said softly.

Carefully, Lizari lowered her daughter onto the floor and Ren's blood instantly drained from his face. A blaster wound, straight to the chest and near the heart. Maybe on the heart, for all Ren knew. Never had he healed such a vital organ before, and he needed to work quickly, for the girl did not have much longer to live.

Ren was surprised by the great chasm that opened up in the center of his chest, burning his heart asunder. If this girl passed, he was going on a rampage that wouldn't stop till every last criminal in this Force forsaken place was in pieces. Hell, he was probably going to do that anyway since Jorfel was lying dead off to the side, the body gradually growing cold.

Pausing before he started, he prayed to the Force, his fate, destiny, fucking anything, that he would be able to save the little girl and spare this woman from having to watch her whole family die in front of her.

Lizari's sniffles and short bursts of sobs were the only noise in the room, but Ren was having a hard time hearing them as he told himself over and over in his mind that he could do this. His hand – easily triple the size of Anna's small sternum – covered the girl's wound.

Energy.

He funneled all of his energy out of his palm and into the girl's body, projecting a picture of her wounded heart into his mind. Her right ventricle had been nicked, causing a trickle of blood to spool into her pericardial sack and compress the heart. He commanded the blood to enter back into the ventricle, letting it be pumped back into her body while not allowing it to escape back out of the wound. The heart muscle started the process of mending itself back together, following Ren's orders with finesse and finality. The wound was closing, the skin was mending back together, and the bone was quickly reconnecting.

Meanwhile, Ren was getting very close to blacking out. The blood pounded in his temples as he wheezed, trying desperately to catch a breath, his whole body starting to throb from the loss of energy. But he didn't dare stop. With his focused glued, he waited till he heard the girl cry out and once she did, he scooted to the wall before he fell over.

BB-8 rolled over to Ren, as if the droids presence could somehow help him stay in the present. His mouth was dry and he felt too warm, but he shivered. Voices were fuzzy as he recognized Terr and Garreaus both trying to get Liz and Anna from the room so the young child wouldn't see the carnage that plagued the surrounding area.

"You all need to leave," Ren croaked out, everyone's attention flipping back to him. "Anna should be seen by a doctor or a med droid." His healing abilities were nothing to brag about, so a professional really should see the girl.

Garreaus stared at him sharply. "We don't have a ship, and we shouldn't go to the medical center in town." He turned to Terr, speaking directly at his partner. "We could try to make it to Capital City –"

"You should get off world and make your way to Carlac," Ren insisted. "The Resistance can take you in."

Terr stuttered in surprise. "But, we were stormtroopers–"

"They already have a stormtrooper among them, so going there shouldn't be a problem" Ren said in a raspy, tired voice. "His name is FN – his name is Finn. Ask for him specifically and he'll help you."

"We have no way of getting there," Terr pointed out.

"Take my ship. I'll find other means of leaving the planet."

"Why are you helping us? You're Kylo Ren," Terr stated, as if his name conjured up an explanation as to why he seemed confused.

Ren's tone lowered to a whisper. "I used to be. I didn't lie when I told you how I came to be here."

"You... you really left the First Order?" Garreaus asked, eyes wide. "For that girl?"

Ren nodded weakly. "And other reasons."

There was a long period of quiet with only Liz's soft cries humming in the air. Anna had her head on her mother's shoulder, her gaze on her father's body. The little girl was quiet, and Ren wondered if she could make sense of the scene she was so intently studying.

Garreaus spoke abruptly to his partner, his voice cutting through the long pause. "Terr, go pack our bags. I'll stay here and help Liz."

"Got it." Terr rushed past Ren and headed straight out the back door, seeming to be in full soldier mode.

Garreaus took the helm after that, directing a very dazed Liz and her daughter into her room, leaving Ren alone with only corpses for company.

_Jorfel…._

Ren glanced to the side, looking with woozy eyes at the wide pool of blood that formed a halo around the man's body. He recalled what his friend had told him, many nights ago when they were alone by the fire pit.

_I loved her because she loved me during the moments when I couldn't even love myself. I did some horrible shit while being with the First Order and it's still hard for me to get over it. Liz made me believe I could be a different person and she gave me that chance to prove it._

Jorfel's time of existence had come to an end, and now his children had been left fatherless and the woman he loved was now a widow. There was an injustice to all of this, one that begged to be rectified and Ren wanted to be the one to do it.

"Bail," Garreaus said and Ren's eyes swooped up. He hadn't even noticed that the guy had entered the room. "Or, Kylo. Shit, I don't know what to call you."

Ren stood on shaky legs, but he could already feel his strength returning. "Ren is fine."

Garreaus nodded as he wiped the silent tears from his cheeks. "I shouldn't be asking you this, but… can you… put Jorfel on the ship. Liz doesn't want to leave him behind and I just can't…." His voice drifted, unable to finish the sentence.

"I can do it," Ren assured the man. His thoughts drifted to Liz, his worry over her delicate situation finally hitting his awareness. "You, uh… need to make sure that she isn't cramping or bleeding, understand?" Ren didn't want to go into an explanation as to why that would be bad for her, but from Garreaus' curt nod, the man seemed to understand why. "Don't let her move too much or lift anything."

"She won't let me take Anna from her."

"Just –" Shit, if Ren was in her place, he wouldn't let go of his child either. "Just make sure she doesn't put too much stress on her body, alright?" Or she could go into early labor, which was another reason why they should get to the Resistance quickly.

Once alone, he went over to the small sofa and grabbed the blue blanket draped over the back. He laid it flat on the kitchen floor, the only place that was not marred with blood. For the next part, Ren took off his coat and leather jacket. He knew that he was bound to get blood on his arms.

Gently, he rolled Jorfel over, scooping him up before the blood could touch the man's back. The fluid drenched Jorfel's front and most of his face, but Ren didn't let his eyes linger. He placed his friend on the blanket and proceeded to wet a kitchen towel to clean Jorfel's gray features.

_His family shouldn't see him like this._

The wounds to the man's abdomen were not from a blaster, but some sort of blade. The killing had been personal and Ren was beyond sure that Sheldom was the one who dealt the blows. With Jorfel wrapped up tightly and in Ren's arms, he took his friend to the cargo bay of his ship. Ren put him down next to the speeder, letting his hand linger on the body.

"Thank you, for giving me a place to stay… for being my friend – for giving me a chance. Your family will be safe. I promise you that." Ren gave the blanket two pats before standing, looking one last time at the outline of the body.

Tearing himself away, he walked quickly down the ramp and saw the rest of the group heading towards him, BB-8 in tow. They all stopped as they met halfway, no one knowing exactly what to say.

"You're sure the Resistance will take us in?" Garreaus asked, sounding worried.

"They will. If you can't contact Finn, look for Rey. She's–" Ren faltered, not knowing exactly how to explain who Rey was.

"She's the girl you have history with," Terr surmised.

Ren nodded. "Yeah, she is. If you're worried about rank, General Organa can help you as well. She founded the Resistance and is their leader, essentially."

"We know who General Organa is." _Of course they did_. "I can't really fathom a person like her helping us," Garreaus honestly stated.

Ren gulped, deciding to ease their minds by telling them the whole truth. "Tell her that her son sent you. Maybe that'll make her feel more inclined to help you." Or not, seeing how Ren killed Han.

The two men were baffled while Liz remained out of it, not showing any signs that she'd heard him. "You're her son?" Garreaus questioned.

"My birth name was Ben Solo." Only the higher ranking officials of the First Order knew where Kylo Ren came from, so it wasn't a complete surprise that these deserters didn't know his true origins.

The revelation of who Ren was was overshadowed by the fact that Jorfel was dead and Liz was not doing well. So as the shock drifted away, Garreaus leaned toward Ren, keeping his voice low. "Liz said she was cramping, but I don't know if she's bleeding. She goes in and out and it was hard to talk to her."

Ren breathed in deeply and scrutinized Liz's pale face and distant eyes. He came in front of her, but her stare remained stagnant. "Lizari?" She didn't move. "Is it okay if I touch your belly for a moment?" No answer, just her squeezing Anna closer. Ren softly placed his open palm on her midsection, searching for the life of her baby. The heartbeat was normal and he wasn't under any duress, thank the Force.

"Your son is strong and is doing fine," he told her.

Slowly, she raised her dark eyes to his face. "My… son?"

Ren nodded slightly.

"I didn't know it was a boy," she weakly said. "Jorfel wanted it to be a surprise." And that was when her knees gave out and she dropped to the floor, all three men diving to catch her. Terr grabbed Anna from her arms and Garreaus pulled the woman to him as she sobbed into his chest.

"Get her on the ship. Jorfel's in the cargo bay, if she wants to sit with him," Ren told the men. Garreaus swooped Liz into his arms and Ren grabbed their bags, placing them just inside the cargo hold.

The two men glanced back at him, not knowing what else to say. Goodbyes did not come easy, especially for a situation like this one. They had found out their friend was Kylo Ren, a man they'd fiercely hated, but who had saved their lives not even an hour ago. So the men just nodded their farewells, and Ren turned and shuffled off the ship. He forewent gathering his stuff from his room before they left. None of it was important. He had his lightsaber and that was all he needed.

He should to let go of Rey's journal, anyway.

BB-8 beeped down below, telling Ren his desire to stay. "This is your only chance to get back to the Resistance. You want to pass that up?" The droid remained silent. "Yeah, I didn't think so."

Ren didn't want to watch everyone leave, so he made his way back to the only living person left inside the home. He had some retribution to deliver on a platter full of pain and torture, his favorite kind of delicacies.

Sitting in a chair across from Sheldom's unconscious body, Ren was almost giddy with the excitement of knowing he could do whatever he wanted to this man and no one would ever know. His inner monster scratched to be free and this time, Ren let it out of its constricting cage.

Sheldom woke with a jerk, seeing Ren lounging casually in the chair, making him crawl back in dread. He didn't get far, seeing how the wall was five feet behind him.

"You," Sheldom breathed. Gods, Ren loved how his reputation could strike such sweet fear.

Ren gave the man a smile, which was about as warm as ice. "Well, now that formalities are out of the way, I am very much going to enjoy watching you die."

Sheldom's mind exploded in pain as Ren savagely searched for the information he wanted. He zeroed in on Sheldom's undulating fear, letting the terror seep into the man's conscious mind. Sheldom screamed, wrenching his clothes from his body till he was only in his undergarments. The man clawed at his skin, blood seeping out as he tore apart his own flesh.

 _Bugs. Out of everything to fear in this decrepit galaxy and this pathetic piece of human trash fears bugs_.

Ren amplified that fear by making the guy believe the tiny insects were crawling under his skin, munching on his bones, humming in his brain.

As Sheldom clawed at his outer dermis, Ren's mind calmed, a proud smile stealing his lips. This time was his. He owned this. There would be, however long it took him to do what he wanted to this fucker, peace from the conflict that tore him in two. In doing this damage, he healed himself, if only for a short while… but it was worth every second.

He'd deal with the aftermath later.

Something shiny stuck out from beneath the man's pile of clothes and what do you know, it was a bloody dagger. It was like fate was on Ren's side for once, giving him the most poetic way to end the guy's life.

The black knife levitated off the floor, catching Sheldom's attention. Lunging for it like it was a lifeline, the man snatched it out of the air and rammed the dagger into his protruding gut – over and over and over again. Sheldom's screams were a symphony and Ren was the ever-watchful conductor, helping his masterpiece become a melodious experience for all who viewed his work. Unfortunately, Ren was the only member of the audience in attendance, but sometimes the best shows were the ones that happened in private.

Bright, red blood poured from the wounds, but Ren wanted to see more of it running out of the guy. He planted a thought into Sheldom's head, and Ren didn't even react as the man jammed the dagger precisely into his own throat. Wide eyed, Sheldom took the weapon out with a gurgling grunt, blood shooting out and painting everything in close proximity red – and that included Ren. He was directly pelted in the face with the sticky substance, but he didn't even twitch at the impact. The viscous liquid ran warm and slow down his face and off his chin.

Choking on his own blood, Sheldom slumped to the floor. Ren's favorite part was fast approaching, and he dared not blink, lest he miss it. It was that moment, that second, before death took them when they would always realize that they were indeed going to die. The hopelessness, the grief, the shock – it would all soar into their eyes, a silent plea for help in a situation beyond their control.

It was such a personal gift to behold; a reverent moment birthed out of an act of violence.

And there it was, shining through Sheldom's wide eyes.

The light of life that was prominent behind the man's stare vanished, a testament that the guy's mortality was resolute and firm.

Ren wasn't sure how long he sat there, staring at the body below. Enough time had gone by for the blood to dry on his face and crack whenever he twitched. He rubbed his fingers together, bringing them into view and studying them curiously. No sensation registered in his brain. In fact, his body and emotions were numb, making Ren feel like he wasn't actually there. But his eyes told him that he was still real.

With his brows drawn and lips nothing more than a slash, he went to Jorfel and Lizari's bedroom, entering into their own private refresher. The man in the mirror was animalistic and rabid, but the eyes… they were a soulless pair of white orbs that didn't belong on such a vile face.

One thing was for certain from the reflection: he was saturated with blood and he needed to get clean.

Ren ditched his attire, going through the motions of bathing under the warm shower and drying himself with a dull towel once done. He rifled through Jorfel's clothes, finding a pair of black trousers and a dark shirt that fit him almost perfectly. The shirt was a tad too tight, but it would have to do. In the closet, he found a belt with an attached blaster holster. He added it to his appearance, tying the holster to his upper thigh so it would keep steady. With his lightsaber clipped to the belt and his boots on his feet, Ren exited the tidy room, not caring that his hair was haphazardly done.

Out in the battle torn room, he picked up a discarded blaster and gave it a new home at his side. Putting on his leather jacket, he slipped on the overcoat, bundling up for the frigid temperatures outside.

Ren hadn't noticed before, but the place smelled immensely of copper and burnt flesh, a fragrance he'd gotten so used to over the years.

Suddenly, Ren was looking out the round window above the sink, not remembering having taken the short journey to the kitchen. Then he was outside, trying to decide on which of the thugs' speeders to take. Rubbing his eyes, he grew confused over not remembering how he got from one place to the other. How could he not remember? Was his mind breaking?

_Beep!_

BB-8 rolled into view, genuinely surprising Ren back into focus. "What are you doing here?" His voice was weighted and reedy, sounding alien to his ears.

" _You shouldn't be alone."_

"And you think the presence of a droid will quell my loneliness?" BB-8 didn't answer. Ren couldn't stop himself from taking out his frustration on the astromech. "Your functionality must have the range of a fucking toaster if you've decided to stay here instead of going where it would be safe. Did Poe purposefully change your programming so you would be this inane?" He stepped forward, but BB-8 didn't back away. "I don't want you here!" Ren screamed, letting his arms become animated. He rushed at the droid, finally making the thing move away in alarm. "I don't need you! I don't need anyone! Go! I don't want you here! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

_Alone…_

Ren's upper lip was curled back, his chest heaving the chilly air from his lungs, his body trembling with adrenaline. Even though BB-8 had rolled back a few feet, the droid was still watching Ren, not making a move to vacate from his presence.

Ren buckled and fell to the ground, wrapping his arms around his middle and rocking back and forth, groaning like he was on the verge of being sick. He refused to cry, to break down and let his emotions get the better of him. But… damn, he really didn't want to be alone.

He tried to tell himself he didn't need this; he tried to pretend he didn't need to feel someone beside him, that he wasn't eased as BB-8 refused to leave… that he didn't yearn to feel a warmth or weight against his body. But that was, of course, all bantha fodder.

Ren needed it all.

With the death of Jorfel and the revenge he had exacted, Ren craved the closeness of another, needed to feel arms that gave him an embrace. He had to have a beat of a heart against his own. He needed Rey to give him all these things. Why did he have to come to this place? When was he going to see Rey again? The Force had impressed upon him that they wouldn't be apart for very long, but it felt like centuries since he'd last seen her.

BB-8 rolled up to him, stopping mere inches from his knees. Ren glanced up, his expression appearing younger than it had in a long time. "You know who I am?"

BB-8 nodded and beeped, _"Kylo Ren."_

"Why do you stay, then?"

" _I think you are in need of some company, without the pressures of talking."_

BB-8 and Ren had barely conversed during the last two weeks, but the droid understood him without needing an explanation. The droid was perceptive, just like its owner.

The swell of gratitude was overwhelming, and Kylo had the compulsion to hug BB-8 – which was ridiculous since BB-8 was a droid and Ren deplored most hugging. But the little thing seemed to be more human than most actual human beings and that comforted him.

Ren searched through the landspeeders, finding one that would fit two people. He levitated BB-8 into the passenger seat and then climbed behind the controls. It was a two-hour journey to Capital City, where he would hopefully find transport off planet. Activating the speeder's shields so he wouldn't be pelted in the face by the cold air, Ren zipped to the main road, not daring to look back. He needed to keep going forward, for there was nothing left for him in the past.

So why did he feel like he was going in the wrong direction?

()()()()()

"Make it quick," the burly man said as he shoved Leia into a refresher stall.

She wheeled around, glaring at her guard. "My stomach's upset, so I might be a while."

The man huffed and closed the door, leaving Leia alone in the six by six room. She was still in her jumpsuit, which looked more like a sack on her now small frame. Only one meal a day was given, and the food barely even earned to be called that. More like scraps, if Leia was to be accurate.

The years of going through menopause had left Leia with a curvier body than she preferred, but now, she wished she could have it back. Her weight loss was worrisome, making her feel weak and feeble and all around vulnerable. She'd rather carry around the extra weight from before than walk around in this skin and bones. With no extra padding, sleeping on the hard floor was practically impossible as her joints rubbed painfully against the stone.

 _Maybe this new place will come with a bed_ , she wondered, trying to figure out where they had transported her to. It was a different planet, that she knew for sure. Even though her head had been covered the whole time, she recognized the sound of a ship's hyperdrive being activated.

Leia surmised she was underground, the trip in the elevator and the feeling of descending a few stories the most telltale signs. There would be no windows down there to help her decipher the new destination. It was freezing, though, letting her know that the planet was going through their winter cycle.

That didn't narrow down the list all that much.

But, the last couple of weeks – or was it longer than that? – Leia had started up a new strategy of getting out of this hell hole. Early on, they had given her a bucket to do her business in, but her guards quickly realized how that punished them as much as her. Now, she was allowed three refresher breaks a day and a shower every three. Guess they were getting tired of her rank smell. Pity, cause Leia was going to miss their disgusted reactions every time they walked into her cell.

Her cuffs were her main objective every time she was left in the refresher since she couldn't try to get them off in her cage. Cameras were always watching her there. It was unwise of them to not put such provisions in the refresher, but Leia figured that no one wanted to watch her sit on a toilet.

A mistake Leia was going to very much exploit.

She sat on the closed lid and concentrated, feeling the blocking power from her heavy restraints. There was always a loophole out of any situation and this was no different. It was harder to find, yes, but it was there, waiting to be discovered. Leia had felt herself get close during the last 'fresher break on the ship and she was determined to find it right now. She was so done being held by that bitch, and getting these cuffs off was her ticket out of here.

Leia pushed, pulled, clawed at the pulsating power, feeling something give in the process. She followed the weak thread, tugging on the chord –

_Clink!_

The cuffs opened and made their descent downward. Leia caught them before they hit the floor. Her head cocked up to the door, waiting to see if a guard was going to come barreling inside.

Nothing.

Leia's heart pounded like it was going to explode from her ribcage and she instantly broke out in a cold sweat. She wanted to revel in her triumph and rub her sore wrists, but time was not very giving at the moment. Centering herself, she searched for Luke, all but yelling inside her mind and begging him to find her.

Luke instantly shoved back, sending her comfort that filled her soul to the brim. Leia covered her mouth to stifle her cries, basking in the knowledge that her brother was coming for her. He was sending her a plethora of emotions: haste, determination, love.

The pounding from the door made her jump and almost scream. "Hurry it up or I'm coming in there to get ya!"

Leia needed to put the cuffs back on, but paused. Would Luke be able to find her if she was wearing the restraints?

He sent her a wave of reassurance, letting her know that he knew exactly where she was. Even if she were to be moved, she knew how to get the cuffs off. It was only a matter of time before Luke came to get her out.

For the first time since being taken, Leia was filled with elation.

Carise's plan of finding her son and having him kill her was never going to happen.

_Thank the Force._

()()()()()

Ren sat at the bar, finding respite in the drinks he was downing. He usually abstained from alcohol since it clouded his senses, but who the hell cared anymore. All of his past encounters with getting buzzed had always ended horribly, but the 'horribly' part already happened and he needed to somehow ease the ache in his chest.

When him and BB-8 arrived in Capital City, Ren went to the section known for its criminal enterprises. You didn't go there unless you needed a hookup or you needed to disappear. The club, with its booming music and adult themes, seemed like the perfect place to go for someone who wanted to be left alone. He would have to see if his assumption was correct. Plus, finding a discreet way of transportation had been easy for him to find. The guy in charge told Ren he would have to work for him in exchange for transportation anywhere in the galaxy, but it wasn't hard for Ren to agree to the terms. No doubt the guy wanted him for muscle because what else was he good for?

Meanwhile, BB-8 had remained quiet, following Ren the whole time and parking its round body next to Ren's stool below.

Not having many credits on him, Ren mind tricked the bartender into keeping the drinks coming. He didn't even know what the majority of them were, but they burned his throat on the way down and that was what he wanted. The taste and color was irrelevant; he was after the drinks effects.

On the other side of the club, the dance floor was tweaking with half naked women performing on platforms and a plethora of species jumping to the beat. No doubt riding the waves of Spice and alcohol and the dirty deeds they had done behind those black curtains in the corner.

The events over the last few hours were still reeling through his brain. Everything had been going good and then in a blink of an eye, it all went to hell. He'd grown comfortable in the life he had established and of the… friends he'd made.

Gods, the way they looked at him when he ignited his lightsaber made Ren cringe. The truth was that sometime since he first met those people, a shift had happened in his heart, a shift that he hadn't noticed till quite recently. He cared. Dammit, he _cared_ about those people and it had happened so quick and fast that he hadn't even felt it at first.

Jorfel was dead and he was never going to see the guy again, never going to talk to him. The man was never going to see his daughter grow up or his son be born. Lizari was probably going to always think about the last thing she ever said to him and dream about the last time they'd ever made love, only to wake up to the reality of a nightmare.

Ren took a long drag from his drink, not wasting his time ogling at the seductive scenery like the rest of the men were. This place was for people who had certain tastes in the carnal. Ren was not one of those people, but nobody knew that. On the outside, his tall, dark form and deep scowl made him blend in with the other criminals and that was all he cared about. He could sit at the bar, nurture his thirst, and not be questioned or disturbed because people here knew not to get into each other's business.

Or so he thought.

A red haired woman shimmied up to his left, sitting in the high stool next to him, purposefully revealing too much of herself in the process. Ren was looking at her out of his periphery, her breasts popping out under the pressure of her gold shimmering shirt, the short black skirt more than useless at covering up her thighs. She swiveled toward him, letting her legs open wide, trying to get his eyes to look at the prize below. Her manicured hand rested on his thigh, inching closer to a certain something beneath his trousers.

Ren froze, baffled by the woman's audacity and the fact that a woman, other than Rey, was touching him.

"You look like a kind gentleman. For the right price, I could give you a good time."

Ren turned, letting the woman get a full view of his scarred face. Her sharp recoil gave him satisfaction, which would have been amplified if she had let out a terrified scream, but he couldn't always have the finer things in life.

"I'm not kind, or gentle," he sneered.

Pedantically, the woman lowered her feet to the ground and backed away, keeping her eyes on him as if he were going to race after her if she moved too fast. He listened to the patter of her heels as she got as far away from him as possible. Grabbing his glass, he swallowed the alcohol like it was water and then placed it back on the wet bar, motioning to the bartender to give him another.

"You don't swing that way?" A man asked as he took the previous spot of the prostitute. "There are men willing to give you what ya want."

Did Ren have a sign on his back asking people to come talk to him? Because he was pretty sure the vibes he was exuding did not come off as very inviting. "Not interested," Ren grumbled.

The guy chuckled. "Well, I'm not sellin'. Just giving a friendly suggestion." Ren turned to the man, making his annoyance hard to miss. The guy was short, fat, and balding in a rather unappealing way. His nose was too large for his small face and those beady eyes reminded Ren of an insect's. All in all, the man was the least threatening person in the whole place.

"Heard you're lookin' for transportation off planet?"

Ren was perplexed that anyone was actually talking about him. "Not anymore. I already found it."

The man smiled, showing his yellow, cracked teeth. "Well, I have an offer for you, one that's better than what Tyrkade gave." Ren just stared, waiting for the imp to continue. "I'll double the pay, and you'll only have to work for me for a week."

"Why would you offer something like that?" Ren asked, thinking there was a catch.

"The job could get a bit messy. It would require... violence." The _and killing_ part went unsaid, but Ren caught the undertone. More money for less work sounded too good to pass up, and he had never shied away from exacting cruelty on others. Except to Rey…. "Have you had a job like that before? I need to know that you'd get the job done."

"I was a mercenary." Naturally, he left out his previous murdering rampage, the fact that he killed his father, and his past as the ruthless man known as Kylo Ren. Actually, why leave out those facts? If he told the guy those things, he would no doubt get the job.

But Ren kept his mouth shut, trying to envision the new life that awaited him. Was he starting fresh, he wondered. He mulled the prospect over. Considering how he just slaughtered a group of men while relishing in their pathetic pleas for mercy, perhaps the term he was searching for was next, rather than fresh.

"Perfect." The man sounded chipper. "You should have no problem with the job, then. Interested?"

Ren shrugged. "When do we leave?" A nudge in the back of his mind was trying to get his attention, but his judgment was too clouded to give it any merit.

"Eight hours, right before dawn. Come to the closed down quarry two miles east of here. I'll be waiting for you inside the main building." The guy eyed Ren's drink before adding, "You might want to be sober before coming. The job would start immediately and is very demanding."

 _Good to know_ , Ren thought as he downed the glass, watching the man wonder off out of the corner of his eye. Seeing how he would be staying at the bar till he had to leave, Ren highly doubted he was going to be sober. But the man wasn't hiring him for his brain.

He regarded BB-8 below. "Looks like we found a better job."

" _The job might pay better, but is the price worth it?"_

 _For Force sake_ , Ren thought as the lights flickered and the music roared. The principles of others were so inconvenient, especially when one was a monster.

The price may be exorbitant, but it was worth it if he could get as far away from Lothal as possible. It's not like killing a few more people was going to push him over the edge and break him… right? All things considered, it was possible he'd already fallen off the ledge, possible he was already sliding down the mountain of his own destruction, bumping against boulders and trees, ricocheting and breaking bones, a mortal blow awaiting him.

How much easier his life had been when he wasn't making the decisions.

Snoke had ran his life, giving him freedom from the burden of figuring out his next move. There had been a comfort in knowing that someone else was pulling the strings, and deep down, Ren craved to have that again. True, he didn't always agree with his master and Ren put some of the blame on the man for making him kill his father, but maybe… maybe being back under Snoke's tutelage wouldn't be so bad. Ren had wanted to be immersed in the Dark side and Snoke was just showing him how to do so. Maybe –

 _No_ , he scolded himself. _You're not going back to him_.

How drunk was he that he would actually consider such a thing? He killed his own father for that man; there was no way he could be taught by him now.

Besides, the torture he would undergo by Snoke's hands was not a great thing to experience. Unless a miracle somehow fell into Ren's lap, allowing him to walk back into his previous life without undergoing reconditioning, then it was definitely not worth it.

Not to mention Rey would kill him if he ever returned to the First Order. He couldn't put her in that position. Ever

_Rey…._

He wasn't sure if it was the club's atmosphere or the alcohol, but his body was greedy to have her. He just wanted to get lost in her, forget all the complications that came with his life and pretend to be someone else.

 _Maybe a few more drinks'll make me forget who I am_ , he thought as he drained another glass.

()()()()()

Ren and BB-8 were able to find the quarry and make their way to the big main building at the center. Smaller warehouses jutted out from the surrounding rocky hills and Ren had a tough time maneuvering the speeder across the extremely uneven terrain, but he made it in one piece. His head was pounding, though. When was the last time he slept? Or ate? Felt like years ago.

Walking to the building, it was proving difficult to clear his mind of the fuzziness from the alcohol. Even with the Force, he couldn't quite get his head together. First thing he needed to do was find somewhere to lie down for a while and recoup. If the imp wouldn't let him, he would just compel the guy to allow it.

Ren met the short man at the entrance and BB-8 stayed close to his side, acting unsure of this next journey. Entering an elevator and going down to the basement was the first thing to strike Ren as being odd. If they were leaving the planet, why were they going below ground? That nudge from earlier was back with a vengeance, cracking his skull in half and screaming at him to turn around as he exited into a long hallway.

Something was wrong, but he couldn't figure out what. The small man stopped at an opened door at the end and motioned for Ren to go inside. Curious, he did, but he didn't make it that far before he froze.

Twenty, maybe thirty men lined the back wall, all armed with blaster rifles. A woman with jet-black hair and slanted eyes stood in the middle, her personal army waiting patiently behind her. Her elegant blue dress didn't quite fit with the violent ambiance of the room, or her feral expression. The closer Ren studied her, the more he was sure he'd met this woman before. He also grew more certain that he was not sober enough for what was about to go down.

_I should have taken the fat man's advice._

The door suddenly shut and locked behind him, the imp man remaining on the safe side. The safe side.

"I've been searching for you for a long time, Kylo Ren." Her voice crawled across his skin, making him shiver. And not in a good way. Ren clenched his teeth. "Please, come more into the room. You have nothing to fear from me."

He arched a brow. "The arsenal behind you says otherwise."

The woman laughed lightly. "They're for my protection. You're a very dangerous man." Gradually, Ren walked along the wall and stopped when he was across from the woman. BB-8 remained by the door.

Ren was pretty sure he knew what was happening, but the need for the dramatics was what confused him. "So, the First Order finally found me."

"I am a part of the First Order, yes, but they don't know you're here. As of right now, they're searching for you on the wrong side of the planet." _Really?_ "This little visit is personal."

For some reason, Ren grew more concerned. "How did you find me?"

The woman glowed with pride. "I placed my informants in the cities you've recently been to. Apparently, you went on some sort of rampage in Jalath, even going so far as to bring out that lightsaber of yours. My man tracked you down, figuring you would try to flee. So he gave you an offer to transport you off planet."

The thug that got away….

He must have ran his mouth to anyone who would listen that Kylo Ren was on Lothal. "Why exactly am I here if you have no plans to turn me over to the First Order?"

The woman waved to one of the men and he quickly left through a side door. "Do you not remember me?" She did seem familiar, but he couldn't quite place where they had met. "We were introduced at a party, right after you joined the First Order."

And then it clicked. "Carise Sindian."

Her self-satisfied smile took up most of her face. "That's right." The side door opened, the man that had previously left now back, dragging a belligerent person into the room. The individual was cuffed, face hidden behind a black bag, and no doubt gagged from the sounds of her muffled screams. Well, Ren was pretty sure it was a woman since the screeches were of a higher pitch.

The guard and the prisoner stopped next to Carise, allowing Ren to get a better look at the prisoner's filthy jumpsuit. The cut and color of the attire looked military.

"Now, to get down to business." The prisoner stilled upon hearing Carise's voice. "I brought you here to kill someone for me."

_What?_

Did Ren's hung-over, slightly drunk mind hear that correctly? "You went through all this trouble to find me and bring me here just so I could kill someone for you?" The prisoner reacted almost immediately when she heard Ren's voice. Her head snapped to his direction and her screaming became wild, so much so that the guard punched her in the abdomen, sending her to her knees and shutting her up.

"This isn't just anyone. This woman ruined my life, and you killing her is how I'm going to get justice."

He almost laughed at her. "If it's revenge you want, killing her yourself would be much sweeter. Trust me," he said off handedly.

"Oh," Carise said slyly as she grabbed the bag on the woman's head, "I think you'll be very interested in killing this particular person."

In one fluid motion, the bag came off the prisoner's head and Ren's breath stopped in his chest. He didn't try to regulate his facial expressions and he was sure the surprise was evident on his face. His mind had always been a huge engine underneath his skull and now was the moment it chose to stall, jerk, and turn off.

Life had a way of putting Ren in places he never thought to expect. Under no circumstances, not even the worst nightmares his subconscious could conjure up, did he think he would be in the position he was in right now.

He stared into the horrified eyes of the one woman in the entire galaxy he had hoped to never see again, the one woman who betrayed him and drove him to leave everything behind six years ago. This woman, whose tears flowed down her cheeks and into her tight gag, was his mother, the woman who gave him life… the one person who brought out the worst in him.


	32. I Hate The Cold

Rey walked out into the wintry sun – which was too weak to move the temperature much, but bright enough to make her squint till her pupil's adjusted properly. Every step crunched underneath her boots as she followed Finn further away from the base where the snow was perfectly level and untouched. The terrain was sparkling, like thousands of diamonds lying out to welcome the sun's rays. The pink-blossomed trees lined the area, mixing its colors beautifully with the white and shimmery scenery.

So what if the view was beautiful? Rey was still not a fan of the cold. Finn grabbed a handful of snow, patting it into a small ball before throwing it off into the distance. Rey copied him, noticing how sticky and malleable the substance seemed to be.

"When I first got here, I loathed being on another snowy planet. But this one is so much more beautiful than Starkiller," Finn explained, breathing in the crisp, fresh air. "Could be because I like the people here a lot better. But still, I'd rather be here than back in my old life."

"You never went venturing out while on Starkiller?" Rey asked as she threw her snowball, noting that it didn't go as far as Finn's. "Thinking back on it, the forests seemed quite lovely. Of course, I didn't really notice it then." Because Rey was fighting to stay alive… and slashing open Ben's face.

Details.

Finn shoved his covered hands into his coat, watching Rey as she went through the motions of creating another snowball. The process was surprisingly relaxing. "Nah, we weren't allowed leisure time. Our whole lives revolved around a schedule. Never really had time to explore around the base."

Rey knelt down, rolling her ball through the snow, watching as the powdery substance stacked to the sphere and made it bigger. "How are you adjusting to all this then?" Rey nodded to the base behind them and Finn bent down, packing more snow onto her now sizable ball.

"It's different, but good different. I actually feel like a person here; like I matter. It's weird not to have a concrete schedule, but working with the ESC helps occupy my time."

"How are they coming along?"

Finn's face lit up with excitement. "They're actually doing great. They all seem committed to being part of the Resistance, which is good cause I didn't want to see any of them locked up." They pushed the ball across the ground, making it now half the size of Rey. She couldn't believe such a wet substance could stick so well.

Finn frowned while helping her, growing quiet as he was deep in thought. "What's wrong?" Rey asked.

His brows popped up, scrunching his forehead as he glanced at her. "Oh, nothing's wrong. It just still baffles me that there were other stormtroopers who thought like I did. We all grew up together, but none of us ever talked about it. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had…."

Finn wondered if his life would've changed sooner, but more than likely, he would have gone through reconditioning. Rey was sure that's what he was thinking. "Well, you're here now. That's what matters." She patted him on the shoulder assuredly, giving him a friendly smile.

"Yeah…. How are you doing?" He glanced at her, trying to steer the attention away from him, but also genuinely curious as to how she was handling everything. "You know you can talk to me about what you've been through, right? You don't have to keep it bottled up."

"I know and I will. Soon. I'm just still trying to process it all. But, I'm doing okay." Her voice was quiet and was not at all convincing.

They had stopped rolling her gigantic snowball and were now sitting next to each other, staring over the angelic terrain. Snow fell from a tree close by, its snowy dust being picked up by the hushed breeze and swirling across the white field before them.

Rey was a model of concentration, thinking over the war that was now significant to her existence.

She broke the silence. "Hey, Finn?"

"Hmm?" He replied, turning to her.

She didn't return his glance. "If you, uh, had the chance to stop this war… would you take it?"

"Well… what's the price?"

"Your life," Rey muttered with a hint of bitterness mixed in. She couldn't look at Finn while thinking about the immense trouble she was in. Watching her friend just reminded her of all the things that would be taken from her. But wasn't it the other way around? If she died, she was the one who would be taken from them… from Ben.

Rey's death would mean Ben's ruin. There was the very strong possibility that he would fall back into the darkness without her and cease being Ben all together. _Damn Force bond._ The connection was either extremely useful, or caused a lot of trouble.

Finn breathed out heavily. "That's a steep cost. Any chance it wouldn't have to be paid?"

Rey shrugged as she wiped her red and runny nose. Just another reason she hated the cold. "A small chance."

Finn went back to staring ahead, letting the small breeze fill the short lull in conversation. "I guess one person's life is insignificant compared to the rest of the galaxy," he stated logically.

Rey twisted her head to finally look at Finn. "So… you would be willing to sacrifice yourself? Leave everyone behind?"

He met her gaze abruptly, his brows furrowed tight. "Rey, what's going on? And don't tell me it's nothing or that this whole scenario you're spilling is hypothetical." Her lower lip quivered, her eyes squeezed shut, and she wrapped her arms tighter around her legs. _No, you can't lose it; not now._ But she couldn't hold in her despair any longer.

After the first few sobs jolted her body, she felt Finn scoot closer and wrap her in his arms. The gesture was protective and nurturing and familial, something she desperately needed to experience at that moment.

Finn knew how much to give and take, and Rey couldn't believe how great of a friend he was when he grew up so isolated from emotions and genuine friendship. He was so much better at this than she was. How horrible of a friend was she that she would choose Ben over him if the choice ever arose? She didn't deserve Finn, but she greedily took the comfort he offered, even though she knew she shouldn't.

He rubbed her back as her tears stained the front of his icy jacket. "Please talk to me. I want to help," he whispered next to her ear.

She told herself she wouldn't tell anyone about Kayani until Ben knew, but she was already crumbling from the sheer weight of her new responsibility.

So, after her tears were spent, she told Finn the truth. However, she kept out everything that pertained to Ben, mainly staying with the superficial facts that Kayani was attached to her and the girl needed Rey to get close to Snoke. Rey didn't hide how crushed she appeared, and she couldn't deny how freeing it felt not to hide her emotions anymore.

Finn questioned that it could've all been a very visual dream, but Rey was adamant that it wasn't.

"Who knows if this thing is even telling you everything?" Finn said hotly. "You can't trust anything she says." He kept speaking, trying his best to comfort and cast doubt on everything Kayani told her, but Rey knew the truth. Ben and her fit into the girl's plan too perfectly to deny it.

But Rey deeply appreciated Finn for looking at the situation from all angles. She even cracked a smile at seeing him get so passionate about how he wouldn't let anything happen to her.

Stars, she needed this moment with Finn. Had she really been planning to wait to get this secret off her chest until she saw Ben? How idiotic that now seemed. Finn had been the perfect person to tell first, because he was trying to console her instead of trying to take control.

Ben had probably not been the best first choice to tell. Rey had a feeling that his first reaction would have been to get angry – not at her, but at Kayani – and then try and lock Rey in a room for the rest of her life.

No, telling Finn had been the right call. He was completely focused on her and what she wanted to do. To him, her opinion mattered. She wasn't sure if Ben would even consult with her before taking matters into his own hands. He was the type of man who acted first, then asked questions later. If ever.

Silence overtook the moment, neither of them knowing what more to say. Rey had her head on his shoulder as they were both looking over the reflective landscape.

"You know, the planet is beautiful," Rey admitted.

"See? I told you so," Finn replied as Rey heard the smile in his voice. "Rey… you know you don't have to do this alone. The whole Resistance would back you, and I would never let you go into a fight alone." Upon hearing the word "alone" she thought of Ben.

So much gratitude swelled in Rey's chest that she felt like crying again. "Thanks," her voice cracked. "You're a good friend Finn."

"So are you." _No, I'm not._ "Have you told Skywalker all this?"

"I wanted to wait a bit. You're the only person who knows."

"He can help you a lot more than I can."

She shook her head against his shoulder. "I don't think that's true. Can you just keep this between us for now? Please?"

He backed away from her slightly, looking down at her with serious eyes. "You need help with this."

"I do have help," Rey countered. Finn lifted a brow. "I have you." She smiled at her friend before resuming her comfortable position against his shoulder. He relaxed, resting his head on top of hers.

()()()()()

After lunch, Rey returned to her room where she changed into clothes that were more appropriate for physical activity. With a pair of blue capris and a gray tunic, she was more than ready to duel with her lightsaber.

Walking down the metal halls, there was a spring in her step that wasn't there before. She was more at ease having told Finn the truth – well, most of it anyway. Sometime soon, she would need to find a moment to tell him about Ben, but for now, she wanted to enjoy the friendship he so willingly gave.

A woman's voice came from behind. "Rey?"

Rey stopped, twisting around. A taller than average woman strode up to her, her face rigid and her blonde hair in a tight bun. From her polished military uniform and the way she glided with authority, Rey knew who she must be.

"We haven't been properly introduced," the woman said firmly.

Rey's spine straightened. "Admiral Trend, right?"

"Correct. I was hoping I'd be able to talk with you about your time with Poe and Kylo Ren." Trend's eyes caught movement behind Rey. "Ah. Master Jedi." Luke walked up to the two women, keeping his face impassive to the whole encounter. "You seem to show up at the most opportune moments."

"It's a talent I like to cultivate. My apprentice has training to do, if you'll excuse us." That was Rey's cue to turn and follow him down the hallway, leaving a frustrated admiral behind. Rey didn't want to get on the woman's bad side, but something was telling her she already was, even before they had spoken.

The training center only had a few soldiers at the far end, practicing their fighting skills on the padded mates. This left the sparring floor completely open for use. Luke stepped off to the side, gathering something off the floor. In his hands, he held Rey's quarterstaff and the pistol Han had given her back on Takodana.

She was taken aback with surprise, but quickly grabbed the remnants of her possessions. "I thought I lost these…. Thank you."

"I thought you might like them back. And listen, you don't ever have to talk to Admiral Trend if you don't want to. You're my apprentice and she knows I don't want her talking with you."

 _But… she's an admiral._ "Does being a Jedi set you apart from The Republic, then?"

Luke weighed her question. "Partially. If you break any laws, you're under the jurisdiction of the New Republic. Only a Master Jedi is fully separated from the government and must adhere to the Jedi council for disciplinary action. That's what's written in the constitution of the New Republic, anyway."

She gripped her quarterstaff harder. "So unless I do something illegal, Admiral Trend can't do anything to me?"

"No, she can't."

Rey nodded in relief. "Good to know."

Their sparring started off light at first, but quickly turned more competitive without it getting too out of hand. Both were using their lightsabers, so that made them more conscientious of their swings. Rey cycled through the forms Luke had taught her while mixing it with the forms she'd learned from Ben. It was actually proving to be a good combination.

"You're considerably better than the last time we dueled," Luke said through labored breathing, hand on his hip. "Did Ben teach you some techniques?"

"Some." Rey left out the part on how she had downloaded his fighting style and was slyly trying to implement it into her own. She must not have been that cunning about it since Luke was obviously noticing. But he didn't press her any further on the subject, which she was thankful for.

Days went by as Rey fell into a schedule. Dueling in the mornings, manipulating objects in the afternoon, and meditation a few hours before dinner. And when she had free time in the evenings, she'd either spend them with Finn, or on occasion Poe. At first, she would drag them along with her to the mechanics hangar, helping the personnel with fixing up ships of various models. According to Poe, she was being too friendly with the men there. She didn't understand what he was getting at since she was being her usual, nice – sometimes socially awkward – self, but Poe emphasized that she was unknowingly flirting with the officers. That made her feel very conscientious, so Rey cut back on the hours she'd spend getting elbow deep in grease.

Poe was quick on finding her something to occupy her time in the evenings. He had a mile long list of holofilms that her and Finn just _had_ to watch in order to become cultured and understand more of his jokes. They were usually able to squeeze in two before curfew, but the list didn't seem to get any smaller. At this rate, it would take them years to watch them all.

Rey was allowed one day off a week from training, and her and Finn planned on spending them together. Last weeks furlough had consisted of watching holovids, venturing outside, and him timing her on how long it took to build a radio out of spare parts. Rey's time of thirteen minutes, sixteen seconds was now a new record to beat among the other engineers, and she was immensely proud of it.

Today was to be much of the same, but they decided to start off with watching a few of the holodramas from Poe's recommendations. It was getting close to the afternoon and they were both sitting on her bunk, a datapad in Rey's hands as they tried to decide what to view next. It was a day filled with leisure and relaxation, something Rey was not used to, but had quickly come to like.

"Have you seen Chewie yet?" Finn inquired as he shifted to get more comfortable. "He got in a few hours ago."

"I tried to see him after breakfast, but he wasn't in the room they gave him. I'll just see him tomorrow." She clicked on a title, reading over the unsavory synopsis before deciding to get back to the search.

"What are you in the mood for?" Finn asked.

"Anything but romance," Rey stated, not needing to be reminded about Ben right now.

"That's gonna be hard, seeing how there's always a romance in every holofilm and drama," Finn pointed out, opening a bag full of salty and crisp snacks.

Rey internally groaned, knowing he was right. She kept scrolling down until Finn picked a mindless action film that Rey didn't have to pay close attention to. The plots for these movies were rarely intricate, and given how hard her training had been all week, her mind could definitely take a break from the complicated. Her and Luke had been working rigorously in trying to locate Leia, but even with Rey's added power, they were not making much headway. Luke was becoming more frustrated, and she learned quickly not to talk to him when he was in one of those moods.

Rey listened bemusedly to Finn as he pointed out how unrealistic the action sequences were and how certain shots were impossible to accomplish with a blaster pistol. She rested her head on his shoulder, listening to him prattle on about realism.

Rey must have fallen asleep because her eyes shot open when someone started banging on the door. "Rey!" Luke yelled from the other side. She glanced at Finn, noticing his woozy eyes as he woke up from the sudden noise. They looked at the pad, the film obviously long finished as the screen was now black. Luke shouted her name again, this time with an edge of worry in his tone.

She mentally unlocked the door and it slid open, a stressed Jedi barreling into her room. The fact that Finn was sitting beside her didn't even phase him in the slightest. "I found Leia."

"What?!" Finn and Rey exclaimed at the same time. Both jumped from the bunk, now fully awake with adrenaline.

Luke was frantic as he hurriedly said, "She's on Lothal. We need to leave immediately. Hurry and get ready."

Rey dove for her boots, slipping them on her feet quickly before grabbing her belt. "Does the council know?" she asked, buckling the belt around her waist. "Are they letting you leave to get her?"

Luke batted his hand through the air. "I'm not wasting my time getting their approval. I'm taking the Falcon and they can't stop me." Rey put her blaster pistol at her side and clipped her saber to the leather belt.

"I'm coming, too," Finn interjected.

"Fine, but bring a coat. It's winter on Lothal. Hurry and meet me at the Falcon." Luke wheeled around, only to stop as Poe ran into the room. The pilot was anxious, which mixed with his confusion when he saw both Finn and Luke in her room, but he brushed it off.

Poe took a deep breath, clearly winded. "You guys gotta see this. You aren't going to believe who just showed up at the base."

"We can't," Luke sternly stated. "I know where Leia is and we're leaving to get her."

Poe perked up immediately. "What? Where?"

"She's on Lothal and no, I'm not telling the council."

Poe went stock-still, his mouth slackening in a way that conveyed more than just shock. "She… she's on Lothal? Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Kylo Ren is on Lothal." Poe dropped that piece of knowledge without any warning.

Luke tensed, and Rey swayed with confusion. "How do you know?"

"Well, that's what I'm trying to get you guys to come see. Apparently, he's been living with these people who just showed up asking for asylum. The only thing I can get out of them is that Ben Solo sent them here and they needed to talk to Finn, Rey, or General Organa. I ran here after they told me that, but you need to hurry before Trend gets there. She's in a meeting, but we don't have a lot of time."

Rey grabbed a coat, bypassed the stunned Jedi Master, and clutched Poe's arm. "Show me," she demanded. Rey darted and maneuvered through dozens of people, not even apologizing when she ran into a few. They entered the hangar and Rey recognized Ben's ship within seconds. Only a small amount of personnel were there, which consisted of a few petty officers. Out of breath, Rey glanced around, searching for the people Poe had described on the way over.

Poe recognized her confusion. "They're still on the ship. They won't come off until they speak to one of you three."

"They let you in there?"

"After I proved over the radio that I knew Ben, they let me board, but only me," he explained as they hurriedly walked to the comms station. Luke and Finn caught up to them, but Rey was too determined to pay them any heed. Poe hailed the ship, explaining to the newcomers that two of the three people they requested to speak with were here and wanting to board. Rey craned her head to peer at the cockpit. A tall, skinny young man with blonde, shaggy hair was looking down at her, his eyes gradually getting wider.

The ramp started to lower.

Rey darted to the opening, not waiting to see if she was followed. What she witnessed next to Ben's speeder made her feet halt and her heart plummet. There was the outlines of a body underneath a blue blanket and a woman curled up next to the corpse, her hand resting on the body's torso. A man of burly build and tanned skin locked eyes with Rey while holding a small girl against his chest. His hair was dark and the sides shaved off, leaving only a thin patch running down the middle of his skull.

He looked absolutely bereaved, evidenced by his tear stained cheeks and his red eyes. "Are you Rey?" he asked quietly.

She nodded. "Yes." The door above the cargo hold opened and the tall man climbed down to join them as Rey heard footsteps come up the ramp. "Why are you here? I was told you know Ben." Obviously, whatever the reason they were here was a horrible one since there was a dead body aboard the ship.

_Please, don't tell me Ben killed that person…_

The tale that was told was a hard one to accept, but Rey didn't dare interrupt the man who introduced himself as Garreaus. Rey's emotions bounced all over the place: she was thrilled a loving family had taken in Ben, despondent that he had used his Force abilities to help the family, and mad that he had slaughtered a group of people. Even if the people were thugs, some of them were probably more innocent than others.

"Well, I'm pretty sure Sheldom was still alive when we left. I think I saw him breathing, but I can't be sure," Garreaus added.

"Sheldom is the man who killed your friend and was the gang's leader?" she inquired.

"Yeah," Garreaus breathed out. _Then Ben definitely left that man alive so he could deal with him later._ Rey tried to imagine how Ben killed Sheldom, but even as her mind came up with the worst possible scenario, it was probably not even close to the reality of what actually happened.

"He spoke of you sometimes," Terr, the taller man, solemnly interjected.

Rey's mouth went dry. "He did?"

"Yeah. I overheard… Jorfel talking to Liz about a conversation they had. He got the impression that Kylo cared about you. A lot."

Rey flushed, feeling all eyes studying her. The cargo bay suddenly felt a lot smaller than it actually was, and her chest was having a hard time expanding. Over to her left, she could sense Finn staring her way. She glanced over, seeing him look at her like he didn't know who she was.

She wanted to vomit.

Voices were getting louder outside the ship, meaning Trend or someone of authority had finally shown up. Wanting to be anywhere but in the cargo bay, Rey hurriedly climbed the ladder, ignoring Luke's protests. She dashed to Ben's room, needing to see something of his to make this feel real.

Everything was as she remembered: his trunks were off to the right, his bed was perfectly made, and not a thing was out of place. It was all organized to Ben's orderly expectations. Except there was a book was on his bed, a book that looked very familiar to her hazel eyes.

With trembling hands, she picked up the leather binding and sat on the mattress, flipping through the pages of her journal... the one she left on Ahch-To. Ben had gone back to the island after she firmly made him promise not to. If he professed to these strangers how much he cared for her, then why did he lie to her? Did her opinion not matter to him?

Poe stepped into the entryway. "Skywalker and Finn are talking to Trend. She seems willing to take them in, given the fact they deserted the Order years ago. You'd think she'd be more sympathetic to them having a child and a pregnant woman with them…" his voice trailed off.

"How is the pregnant woman? Lizari? That's her name, right?"

Poe nodded. "Dr. Kalonia is looking her over, but she seems to be physically fine." Emotionally, she was probably going to be ruined for a long while. "How are you doing?"

Rey shrugged, not really sure how to answer. She was still hurting over the look Finn had given her. "I'm okay."

Poe didn't inquire further and they both let the silence drag on for a few minutes, neither knowing what to say. Skywalker finally appeared, telling them that they needed to leave before anyone noticed what they were up to.

"I'm gonna come along, if that's alright," Poe offered.

"You might get backlash from doing this," Luke refuted as they made their way to the cargo bay.

"It'll be worth it as long as we get the general back."

"It's your decision," Luke said indifferently.

Dr. Kalonia was packing up her supplies while Finn leaned against the wall, watching Rey with wary eyes. Everyone else was gone, taken to the med bay for further assessment with the med droids. Rey stood on the opposite side of the ship, trying to keep her eyes away from Finn.

Luke talked with the doctor, asking her to join them in getting Leia. That came as a surprise, seeing how Luke wanted to keep this venture hush-hush, but from the way the doctor reacted, Rey could tell that she was fully committed to the secretive mission. Rey was praying that no one was going to be in need of the good doctor's talent, but it was comforting to know she was there just in case.

They waited till specific members of the council were gone before leaving the light freighter. Poe and Dr. Kalonia ran off to grab more medical supplies while the rest journeyed to the next hangar over. Skywalker told them he was going to get the hangar doors open, leaving Rey to wonder how he was going to do that if the controls were being guarded, but she didn't ask. Part of her didn't want to know.

It probably involved a mind trick.

Her and Finn boarded the Falcon and went to the lounge, waiting for everyone else. The silence between the two was tense and awkward and Finn was refusing to look at her. She pretended to be interested in one of the communication consoles on the wall, but her brain wasn't registering the flickering buttons.

Finally, she got to the point where the quiet became too overbearing. "What are you thinking?" she asked lamely as she turned around, seeing that he was sitting on the lounge seat.

With his arms crossed and jaw locked, he gradually met her stare. "You haven't told me everything about what happened on Spira. In fact, I think both you and Poe lied to me."

Rey chewed the inside of her cheek and started to pick at the bottom seam of her grey, sleeveless tunic. "It's complicated."

"Looks like _Ben_ had an easy time explaining it to a couple of strangers. I think you can figure out how to do the same."

Rey opened her mouth, but closed it when Poe, Skywalker, Dr. Kalonia, and Chewie walked into the main hold. It would seem Poe took it upon himself to grab another recruit, but Rey didn't mind. Out of everyone here, she probably got along with the Wookie the best.

The conversation between her and Finn was going to have to be put on hold until they could find some time alone together.

Rey went to her old room aboard the ship, not wanting to talk with anyone or even see how Chewie was doing. It was a few hours to Lothal and she wanted to use the time to be alone and think over what she should tell Finn. She knew she had to confess the whole truth, but going about it was going to be very crucial to how he took it. Or maybe it wouldn't; sometimes words mattered more than tone.

Her thoughts went to Lothal. How were Leia and Ben both there? From Garreaus' account, Ben had no idea Leia was on the planet. But something just wasn't right; something was missing.

First thing they needed to do was find the general and get her to safety. Then Rey was going to search for Ben on her own, and nobody was going to stop her.

()()()()()

The Falcon zipped through the eerie atmosphere, coming up to what looked to be a quarry off in the distance. Luke landed the Falcon behind a rock configuration, using the natural formation to hide the large ship. Chewie and Harter stayed with the freighter, prepared to get them if they needed a quick getaway.

The wind outside was starting to graduate from a breeze and into full on gusts. A storm was coming in; Rey could smell it in the air and feel it in her joints. Her heavily insulated black coat offered her body reprieve from the wind chill, but her head was fully exposed, causing her facial muscles to freeze.

 _I hate the cold, I hate the cold, I hate the cold,_ she thought, the words a mantra in her anxiety ridden mind.

Skywalker took the lead, guiding them to the main building in the middle of the quarry. They didn't see any guards posted on the outside, and as they entered the warehouse, not a single person could be found. But Rey could feel life forms. Dozens of them, in fact. One of them was very faint, but she was sure it was Ben.

He was somewhere in the building, but she couldn't pinpoint exactly where.

Rey tugged at their bond to get his attention, but Ben didn't respond.

Rey was torn on what to do. Should she stay quiet, or say something about her and Ben's connection? Could she even get her voice to work? Rey was internally freaking out as she tried to understand how Leia and Ben came to be in the exact same place at the exact same time.

"Guys!" Poe whispered harshly from a doorway in the corner. "You need to see this!"

The group bolted over and entered a security room, small flickering monitors lining the wall. Poe pointed to one of the side holovids and Rey's knees almost buckled from the image.

Leia was being beaten with a stun baton as a woman seemingly laughing at the torture. On the other wall stood Ben, watching the show with barely any emotion. His widened eyes were the only proof that he was shocked by the violence, and Rey wondered why he wasn't helping his mother. But then Rey realized that there were _a lot_ of armed men in that room and doing so would be equivalent to committing suicide.

Or was he a part of all this somehow? That thought was almost vomit inducing.

Rey spun around to talk to Luke, but he was gone. She sprinted after him, following his signature through countless hallways and down a flight of stairs. _How big is this building?_ From the outside it didn't look to be too large, but running through it made it feel immense.

Rey's breathing started to pick up, her heart pounding in her ribcage. She rounded a corner to see Luke running toward an unconscious Ben at the end of a long hallway, his saber ignited in his hand. Instinctively, Rey Force pushed her master before she could find out if Luke would really use the weapon on his nephew.

With her eyes glued ahead, she rushed to Ben to make sure he wasn't gravely injured. The blood beneath his head stated otherwise.


	33. Out of Luck

The only thing Ren could do was stare at the scene unfolding before him. He didn't even know where to begin processing the hurricane of emotions rampaging within, but at least his mind was still capable of coming up with two questions, even if they were unimportant.

One: How did his mother even come to be here?

Two: What the hell was going on at the Resistance?

"What is this?" he asked through a set jaw, his eyes bouncing between Carise and his mother.

Carise smacked her lips. "Isn't it obvious? This is the way back into you master's good graces. Just imagine the reward he'll give you for killing the general of the Resistance."

Ren didn't have to imagine; he already knew. This was the miracle he needed that would allow him to return to the First Order with his mind intact and no punishment befalling him. The phrase 'be careful what you wish for' was never so poignant as it was at this exact moment.

On the surface, Ren made himself appear as collected as a hyperdrives motivator, his components all in order and welded in place. But beneath, he was seething, evidenced by his tightly balled fists. "What makes you think I want to go back?"

Rey suddenly tugged harshly on their bond, but Ren had no other option but to ignore it. Out of the whole two weeks they were apart and she chose now to try and contact him? Horrendous timing.

Carise giggled, rolling her eyes dramatically. "Please. A man of your skill set must be dying without a purpose, without a way to use those abilities of yours. You made a mistake by leaving, but by doing this for me, you can make everything right again."

Ren's mind, let alone his tired body, was definitely not present enough to handle this right now. He felt like he'd been ran over by a herd of banthas, but his mother… stars, she appeared to be in worse shape than him. Taking a few seconds to _really_ look at her, Ren saw a feeble body, matted hair, and despair etched into her eyes, the same dark eyes he inherited.

"Do you have any idea what she's done to me?" Carise darkly queried. Ren almost rolled his eyes as theatrically as Carise.

Everyone knew what Leia had done to her, mainly because Carise had been incapable of not constantly complaining about it after it happened. It didn't take long for the news to reach Ren, but by then, every snippet of Ben had been beaten out of him and his reaction had been impartial.

"I do," Ren simply stated.

"Then you know why I want you to kill her."

A son murdering his mother… such a thing was beyond the normal parameters of cruelty – if such a thing had any boundaries at all – and was exactly the type of scenario Ren would think up. Hell, he basically enacted it on his father, but for some reason, bestowing this ruthlessness upon his mother seemed way more personal.

Abruptly, Leia made a dash for the side door, only making it a few feet before the guard snatched her by the hair, snapping her head back and causing her to grunt. Her body followed, her feet fighting desperately to find purchase. The guard whipped out a stun baton and before Ren could even blink, wailed it right across her back, sending the electrical shockwave through her muscles. The muffled scream was heart piercing and Ren watched as she fell to the floor, moaning and curling up to protect herself from the beating.

Carise's triumphant, cackling laughter bordered on hysteria, which might have been disturbing if Ren wasn't surrounded by thirty men and just witnessed his mother being electrocuted to the point of semi-consciousness.

"Idiotic woman," Carise sneered, glancing down at Leia like she was a rabid dog in need of being punished.

The whole event made Ren's body respond by snapping his spine straight, his veins vibrating through his bones, his brain blooming with a buzz that not even rationality could get near.

Carise seemed to be on one hell of a power trip as she kept talking, which was all well and good for her ego but ultimately meant nothing to him. Ren kept staring at his mother, not registering a single word of the woman's long tirade.

There was, he firmly told himself, nothing cosmic or pre-ordained about being in this warehouse, other than the fact he hadn't seen his mother in person for over a decade and now here she was, offered up to him like an animal awaiting the slaughter. Yeah… there was absolutely no divine power messing with his life at the moment.

None. At. All.

_Shit._

Carise motioned to the guard and Leia was hoisted to her feet, pulling her along as the pair came toward Ren. The shuffling of their boots on the hard surface was a soft noise that seemed as loud as someone screaming. Or was that the humming of the blood in his ears?

As his mother was brought closer, the few working neurons in Ren's head made his foot take a step back, but his heel and spine immediately met the wall behind him. There was nowhere to go. Maybe the alcohol was starting to wear off or the shock of everything going on brought him to the present, but Ren was finally able to register just how cold the basement was. As a result of the plunge in temperature, the wall against his back was frigid and he could feel the cold from the floor seep into his boots. His eyes picked up his breath – a cloud without a sky.

The guard tossed Leia at Ren's feet and then reclaimed his spot by Carise's side. "So, what's it going to be?" the woman asked impatiently.

Ren was having a mind splitting time trying to assess just how deep in metaphorical shit he was in. Leia was a mere stride away and he couldn't tear his corneas away from her own haunting eyes. Neither could look away, even though both wanted to. Time was just a collective number compared to the galaxy at large and right now, it seemed to be counting down. To what, Ren didn't even know.

However, he had a thought that what he chose to do within the next minute of his existence was going to be life altering, more so than when he decided not to go through with killing Rey.

Memories ripped at him, the ones he had of his mother before he was banished to that ridiculous academy: her yelling at him for killing animals, the way she called him a monster behind closed doors, how she always chose the Senate over him, all the times Threepio reheated leftovers for dinner because she wasn't there…. How could he not think of a single good memory of her? Did he even have any?

Did she have any of him?

Pretty early on in life, he'd given up seeking her affection because he'd been too tired of experiencing the constant rejection. He hadn't dared discuss his fears and failures with her. Even when she did make her attempts at parenting through the lectures, comparisons, and brow-beatings, he was too far-gone for any of it to matter.

He'd been too far-gone for a long time now, but somehow, there'd been an awakening that was slowly resurrecting who Ren used to be. His altruism was booming too loud for him to ignore as he gazed at the defenseless woman on her knees, staring up at him.

With a clarity that was shattering, Ren realized that he didn't have it within himself to kill his own mother. He despised her on the same level he hated himself, but even then, he couldn't take her life away. Her life needed to remain intact; he owed his father that much, at least.

The breath he exhaled lasted a lifetime as he rubbed the exhaustion from his prickly face, leaving behind the anger. How dare Carise put him in this position. The last thing he needed after drinking for a day straight and getting zero sleep was to be reminded how ruined he was, because for a split second after Carise had offered up his mother, Ren had actually considered doing the unforgivable. The thought of killing her and getting back to his master's side had popped into his mind and he was ashamed that it had even gone that far. His soul was fractured permanently, his mind splintered into dozens of pieces, and he hated knowing how irreparable his entire being was.

Rage weighted into Ren like gravity, and he felt its inviting heft ground him, invigorate him. He knew this feeling intimately well. It always raped him of grace and left him in the coziness of twilight. This was the type of fury that had sliced that boy in two and had squashed the remains below his boots. This was the kind of viciousness that had made Sheldom stab himself till Ren bathed in the blood that spewed from the man's jugular.

Ren was a quarter of an inch away from losing it, but he needed to play this situation precisely if he was going to get Leia and him out alive. Such a feat required patience and planning. But then, he opened his mouth and that was when everything took a nosedive straight into the realm of you're-going-to-regret-this-later.

A hard expression bled into Ren's face, sharpening his eyes. "Oh, Carise." He coldly laughed, perfectly aware that he looked like the definition of a maniac. Actually, he was one. "You know, I remember you at that party. Throwing yourself at every man in the room, looking cheap and easy in your tight dress." Honestly, Ren couldn't recall what she was wearing, only how she had acted. But if he was wrong about her attire, he knew it was going to annoy her.

And it did. Her face was way too easy to read, showcasing just how weak minded the woman really was.

Meanwhile, Leia remained on her knees, watching her son with deep fear and confusion.

_Do I dare continue?_

_Yesssss,_ his monster hissed. "You're a whore." Never had such an insult left his mouth, but his demon nodded in approval, goading him to keep speaking. "And you aren't even a clever one. You want your revenge? You should've killed the general yourself, like a normal person." As he kept going, Carise became a focal point for his fury and self-hatred, an object to work out his feelings, making his fingers involuntarily twitch for his lightsaber.

There was malice in his voice, as well as murderous inevitability. "Instead, you waste my time by bringing me here. So, here's what is going to happen." The woman's face was tinted in deep ire and Ren was sure he could see a rather unappealing vein popping out of her forehead. "When the dust settles from this encounter you've meticulously concocted, I'm going to look for you and make no mistake that I will find you. I am going to _savor_ butchering you Carise, but only after you get on your hands and knees and beg me for mercy, like the bitch that you are."

The room grew so quiet that even a hair falling to the floor sounded like a grenade detonating. No one moved, and by Carise's shocked expression, he was sure she forgot to breathe.

Ren was getting hot under his layers, his anger finally making him feel feverish. His skin was ablaze, his blood fueling the flame, and his bone marrow the spark that created it all. Sweat beaded from his pores, attempting to lower his temperature, but failing.

Ren licked his lips, feeling how chapped they had become. "Let me put my answer in simpler terms so you can understand." Because clearly she was having trouble deciphering the timetable of her own demise. "You're the person I'm going to kill, Carise; not the general." That little fact hung in the air like a noose looking for a neck to snap and Ren was going to guide it over to the elegantly dressed woman in the middle of the room.

Leia gasped loudly against the gag, which made it sound more like a chortle, but Ren knew what she was going for. Her owlish-big eyes conveyed how floored she was and slowly, Ren started to feel the same.

It was like a curtain had been pulled back, revealing that thirty men were armed and pissed and waiting for the cue to be unleashed. He had completely forgotten about them as his mouth uncontrollably spewed threats and obscenities like his words were in a whirlpool without an end.

Aaaaaaand this was one of the reasons Ren didn't talk a lot. Whenever he did, he always managed to make the situation worse and spill his opinions everywhere, coloring everyone vengeful. He didn't even need to read Carise's mind to know she was two seconds away from calling on her army, directing them right at his dogmatic ass.

It would appear that the situation was speeding up exponentially, and he now needed to move onto plan B; except he didn't have a plan B. Usually his plan A's worked because they were all about going straight to violence and overpowering his victims.

Plan A was not going to work unless he had a desire to meet death for a drink later, which he did not. His adrenal glands were working overtime, giving his mind the fight or flight options. Even though his ego didn't want to participate, he came up with a plan B that was so unlike him, he inwardly cringed when thinking it.

Run. He was going to run. More like sprint, but as long as his legs got him to his speeder, it could be classified as scampering and he didn't care.

Time slowed to a languid crawl as Carise opened her mouth, about to shout the order to kill both him and his mother. On an exhale, he concentrated all his frustration and power through his hands, pushing out with an extreme amount of Force that hard-pressed his spine into the wall and left him gasping.

Carise and her entourage were bulldozed right off their feet and straight into the wall, causing a quick succession of bangs, cracks, and grunts.

Ren didn't linger to ogle at his achievement.

Grabbing his mother roughly, he tugged her to the door, mentally unlocking the mechanism and darting through the exit as BB-8 followed. Leia had to have serious whiplash by now, but it was better than being dead.

The door slid closed, but he needed to give them more time to get out of the warehouse. Still squeezing Leia's arm, he wheeled them around to the door panel and placed his free hand on the buttons. Never has Ren been able to master the art of Force lightning, but he had gotten close a few times. He could create a small electrical current, appearing like sparks flying between his fingertips. It was the evidence that while he thought to be completely under the dark side's waves, the top of his head had always been sticking out of the surface, stubbornly defying his wishes.

He sent a current through the wires covering the room, short-circuiting the ways to get inside. Unless they had a very skilled electrician in there, they weren't getting out for a while.

A blaster suddenly went off right next to him. Leia had somehow freed herself from the restraints, grabbed the blaster from his holster, and killed the stunned imp at the end of the hall.

Wide-eyed, Ren stared at his mother for a moment, watching her lower the gag so it was around her neck. She glanced at him, not showing any form of surprise to be in the presence of her son. Her face was serious, exuding the military general he knew her to be.

"Let's get out of here," she said evenly, voice scratchy. Leia darted down the hallway with BB-8 and Ren following, both passing the dead imp like the insignificant man he was.

While Ren went straight for the lift, Leia went right, opening the door to the stairwell. "The stairs would be a better option," she stated, making him stop and clench his teeth. Leia was right, of course, and that irked him. He needed to get her out of here and then part ways as soon as possible. This time, he would be more careful in who he solicited transportation from.

Maybe he could find a job more suitable to his skills. He could possibly get away with freelancing his talent by going back to what he did best. Someone with his kind of power was always in demand in the right organizations. And seeing how he was a predator, job satisfaction was a given.

Focusing on levitating BB-8 next to him, they darted up the stairs, the droid flying close to his side.

Climbing the flight of stairs was difficult since Ren was winded from the amount of power he exuded a minute ago, but his mother was having a much harder time. She was slowing considerably and before he could grab her, the door beside them opened and he was suddenly wrenched into a long hallway, causing BB-8 to collapse to the floor with a loud thud.

Ren cut off the connection, finding his footing quickly and igniting his saber in his right hand. At the far end of the hall was Cato, wearing his preferred checkered black mask and heavy black battle attire. And in his right hand was the darksaber: a flat, thinned, and slightly curved blade that was blacker than the void of space.

"Quite the weapon upgrade," Ren snarled

"Killed a Mandalorian for it, but I'd say the challenge was worth it." Cato's mask distorted his voice as his head moved up an inch, looking behind Ren's broad form. Leia and BB-8 had come through the stairwells exit, halting when catching a glimpse of the knight at the far side. He could practically hear the wheels turning in Cato's mind and Ren realized he would have to protect both him and Leia… and BB-8.

Right before the men jumped into the brutal duel, they both froze.

The Force signature they suddenly sensed was undeniable, causing Ren's veins to stiffen and his heart to constrict from the pressure. Cato, being the smart knight that he was, disappeared down an adjacent corridor. Footsteps came from the passageway to Ren's left and then abruptly stopped. His breath grew more uneven as his head moved by inches, his eyes taking in the Jedi Master to his left.

Power hit Ren, so much so that he didn't even have the strength to block it quickly enough. His body slammed viciously into the metal wall at his side, his head cracking on impact and beating his grey matter into useless mush.

Yelling. Voices. Running. Someone dragging him across the floor. Did Carise's men get out of the room already? But why would they be dragging him when they wanted him dead? Even his uncle wanted him dead. Hell, _everyone_ wanted him dead.

 _Mom_.

Where was she? Ren's senses were sluggishly rebooting and everything seemed distant as he attempted to open his eyes, but his lids weighed more than a tauntaun. His hands were gliding across the ground and he could feel the cold seep through his gloves. He didn't even remember falling to the ground. Did he blackout? How long has he been down? Was that him that was moaning?

A door opened, then closed. Even behind closed lids, he could tell the room was dark. The scent of chemicals was robust as he inhaled, the toxic air stinging his nose and throat raw.

Someone was saying his name, his _birth_ name and his preferred one. Actually, multiple people were saying his name, and not in a kind way.

"I thought he was trying to kill you," Skywalker whispered.

"I told you he wasn't!" Leia whispered fiercely. "If Rey hadn't pushed you away, you would have killed him! He saved me Luke. He was given the choice to kill me and he chose not to do it."

"Maybe he wanted to wait to–"

Ren tuned them out, instead focusing on a conversation that was literally taking place over his drowsy body.

"You need to get away from him," a man muttered, the voice unknown to Ren.

"He wouldn't hurt her," Poe countered.

_Poe's here?_

"All he's ever done is hurt people. And kill them!" The man hotly argued while keeping his voice at a hushed tone.

"Finn, he won't hurt me." _Rey!_ He moaned as he tried to call out to her. Even though her voice was rushed, it sounded feminine, airy, and smooth on his ears. Cold hands cradled his face, rubbing their icy thumbs over his cheeks.

"Ben," she said. Strength was being siphoned into him and with a jolt, his eyelids burst open.

He immediately zeroed in on Rey's hazel eyes, like his own knew exactly where hers would be. In the dim light, he drank in her round face, golden skin, and plump lips. All of her features were a thousand times better than anything his memory had given him over the past two weeks.

Half of her hair was tied back, while the lower half hung loosely, falling almost into his face. Ren's hand ran through her silky tresses, needing to know that she was real and not an illusion from some nightmare. His hand became greedy as he palmed her cheek.

"I was starting to think I'd never see you again," he said in a cracked voice.

"Me too," she whispered with a sad smile.

Rey was here. She was actually here, touching him with the affection he'd been dreaming about his whole life. Gods, he couldn't look away from her, couldn't register anything but her, and all he wanted to do was feel those soft lips caressing his.

He was about to pull her into him when Poe abruptly appeared above her, peering down at him with a sour expression.

"Whoa, man. You look like shit." And he felt like it, but it wasn't from the physical wounds he had sustained. He'd been so incandescently happy upon seeing Rey that when Poe came into view, his emotions came crashing down to reality at lightspeed, leaving him in a million broken fragments.

"Here," Rey said as she grabbed his shoulders. "See if you can sit up." Ren winced, clutching onto his right side while collapsing upright against a wall. Removing his hand, he and Rey glanced at his bloody palm, her eyes growing increasingly worried.

She raised his shirt, looking over the injury. "Looks like a blaster wound. When did you get hit?" _When, indeed._ He couldn't recall being shot at, but the only time it could have happened was when him and Leia were running from the plethora of men who were packing heat. The high octane of adrenaline must have made it so he never felt his side get wounded.

Rey placed her hand directly on the hole in his skin and he felt the dermis start to mend together. Curtly, he grabbed her wrist and gently took her hand away. "Don't," he told her.

Her forehead creased in confusion. "You need to heal the wound and I should take a look at your head. There's blood in your hair."

Ren shook his head vigorously, willing his strength to return. "No, I don't want you to heal them." He couldn't take an ounce of power away from her, even if she was offering. She was going to need all of it if she was going to make it out of here alive.

Rey protested, but Ren ignored her. Against her warnings, he stood, putting on a convincing front that he had the might to do so. But the mixture of his head wound and the hangover was causing his head to pound with every heartbeat.

Healing always had to be strategic: mend the wound and somehow wait for your strength to return, or battle through the pain and use your remaining strength to fight. Seeing how the situation was dire, Ren held off on the healing.

Rey had a firm grip on his arm and he looked down at her small hand that couldn't even wrap around his bicep. Where was his coat? It must have been taken off sometime during his whole blackout episode. He now only had the leather jacket for warmth.

The room was aggressively quiet, all eyes on him. Ren rabidly grew claustrophobic, like he'd been buried alive and was breathing only dirt.

_Did all the air up and vanish from this closet?_

The room they were in was some sort of utility closet, a table pushed up against the back wall and shelving lining the sides. Bottles of chemicals, boxes, and gadgets took up every inch of flat surface, making the place appear cluttered. While looking over the surroundings, Ren made an itinerary of every single person there: Rey, Poe, Leia, Skywalker… and the trooper. That man was deathly glaring at Ren, his blaster rifle strategically pointing right at him, but appearing casual about it.

Skywalker had his palm on the door, eyes closed and focusing on the wondering men outside. From the footfalls and muffled shouting, they were now out of the basement and on the hunt. Ren could sense what Skywalker was doing: he was fogging the minds of the people who passed the door, making their eyes only see a wall and walk right on by, unaware their prize lingered inside.

Leia had ditched her persona as a general and was now gazing at him passionately. She took a timid step forward, Rey still holding onto Ren and remaining at his side.

"Don't," he firmly commanded at Leia. She froze, her eyes becoming visibly glossy. Cold anger hardened his face enough to make his scar stand out in a light, pink line against his pale skin. The change in demeanor was so sudden that Rey abruptly recoiled, not knowing how to react.

Ren didn't want to talk to his mother. Yes, he saved her life and did not want to see her die, but the depths at which he loathed this woman stretched into infinity. On top of that, looking at her made Ren think about his father on that bridge, and a small part of himself was yelling to grovel at her feet and beg for forgiveness. Fortunately, he held off on enacting such a display. Apologizing for murdering his father was such a small gesture, that he didn't think it would even be worth an attempt.

"Ben," Leia whispered fervently.

"That boy is dead." Ren's voice was a timbre lower, sounding insidious. Skywalker's head craned slightly to the exchange, his ear listening as his eyes remained closed, concentrating on keeping them hidden.

"No, he isn't." Leia took another step, making Ben retreat further away. "You saved my life."

Ren dragged a hand through his hair and thought how good it would feel to put his fist through a wall. "Which I am starting to regret the more you keep talking to me."

No one said a word.

The shock on each of their faces was blinding and he turned away before it made his headache worse. Ren went to the table, placing his hands on the edge and hanging his head low. The chain on his mood swings had been broken and now he was finding it close to impossible to control his tongue. Being crass with Carise had opened the gates to being insensitive. But hadn't he always been insensitive to others, though?

A soft weight came on Ren's shoulder and he craned his head to see Rey standing close to him, closer than what was deemed appropriate. "I'm proud of you for saving your mother," she admonished quietly, giving him a small hint of a smile.

Her green eyes were drawing him in and that nudge from earlier took up its usual spot of residence in the back of his mind. It was pushing him to confess what he felt for her, to tell her how he dreamed about her since he was a small boy of ten. His heart raced and he knew everyone was watching them, not even trying to hide the fact they were eavesdropping. The room was small, so even if Rey and him spoke in whispers, every word would clearly be heard.

But the last time he ignored the prompting, _this_ all happened.

Well, Ren had never cared what people thought of him. Why start now?

The muscles in Ren's face relaxed, making him appear softer than he felt. "Rey, I need to tell you something. I…." His voice gave out as he stared at her deeply.

She removed her hand, letting it rest at her side. "If you're trying to admit something to me, I already know."

 _What?_ "You do?"

Her face hardened slightly. "I already know that you broke your word to me." Ren blinked quickly and frowned, which gradually turned to confusion. How did she know he hadn't kept those promises?

As if she read his mind, she said, "Your friends arrived at the base before we left. I found my journal in your room aboard the ship, which you must've grabbed when you went to Ahch-To." She searched his face for a denial, but his silence was more than enough to show her the truth. "Then Garreaus told me what went down at their place. He said Sheldom was alive when he left." Ren cursed inwardly. He thought none of them had noticed that.

Rey hesitated before asking, "What did you do to that man?"

Ren kept his voice even as he replied, "Nothing he didn't deserve, and he deserved far worse than what I did to him."

If Rey were the type of person to use colorful language, she would have sworn out loud. "How long did you drag out his death?"

His head swiveled over the useless junk on the table, thinking how he didn't intend for the conversation to go this way. He always thought it was funny how people tended to think you could drag out death. To Ren, death was always quick. One second, your heart was beating and then the next, it wasn't. What was dragged out was the pain and anticipation of dying, which happened to be Ren's favorite entertainment.

"Ben?" she pushed.

He didn't look at her as he grumbled, "He didn't go quickly. And before you ask, yes, his death was painful and yes, I did enjoy it."

Ren was too afraid to see the expression on her face, but he could sense her mixture of disappointment and frustration.

"I guess you made yourself into a liar, now. You knew you wouldn't stick to the promises you made me, but you made me believe you would anyway."

Now that stung. Ren hated being called a liar, and he hated that she was right.

He whipped around sharply, taking her by surprise. In his periphery, he could see everyone except Skywalker watching them. The moronic stormtrooper was even waiting for Ren to touch Rey so he had an excuse to shoot him, which vaguely reminded him that he was without his lightsaber. "Those were impossible to keep and you knew that," he curtly retaliated.

"Impossible?" Rey's eyes shot him a fiery stare. "I asked you not to go to Ahch-To, and not to hurt anyone. It's not like I told you to stop blinking!"

"Are you forgetting the third? I'm still breathing, aren't I?" Ren had always been a hothead, but he thought he was doing a considerably great job at not raising his voice at Rey. She, on the other hand, kept her tone bursting of daggers.

Her expression turned volcanic. "For now. Can you not hear how many men are out there?"

Ren looked around for a life raft, and got a whole lot of eyes staring back at him. "I saw them, so I know how many are out there. I've had worse odds."

"You're being reckless," Rey bit out.

Silence.

Then, "No, I'm being confident. I know what I'm capable of and we can make it out of here. Alive." He was silently hoping for the stormtrooper to die during their escape while the rest of them made it out, but he wisely kept that wish to himself.

Rey's brows rose as she gave his tall frame a once over. "I don't know if you realize this, but you're not in great shape. The wound in your side is making you paler than usual, and you look like you haven't slept in days."

Ren shot her a level stare. He didn't appreciate being passively called weak. "I'm fine."

Rey rolled her eyes. "Don't try to be a hero."

"That word should never be used to describe me."

Finn scoffed, making everyone cast the attention onto him. "No kidding."

Ren would gladly give up one of his kidneys just so he could kill the bastard without having to deal with any repercussions. "Is there something you need to say, _trooper_?" Ren asked as he ground his teeth.

Finn was wound tight, wanting to take the pent up pressure out on Ren physically and verbally. "Yeah, actually. I had to learn how to walk again because of you."

"Oh. My apologies," Ren sneered. "I should've made sure you were dead so you wouldn't have to go through such an ordeal."

_Whack!_

Fire exploded on the left side of Ren's face, his eye stinging with the force of the slap. The shock from the sudden pain made him freeze for a moment before shifting his sights onto Rey.

It would seem she'd grown attached to her stormtrooper over the last two weeks, so much so that when she'd heard his harsh comment, she was unable to control her anger. Guilt was riddled all over her features as she covered her slackened mouth with her hand.

The silence stretched as wide as a canyon until finally, Poe intervened. "Okay." The pilot took a step forward. "I think we all just need to calm down for a moment." Finn pulled at Rey's arm, trying to get her away from Ren, but she wouldn't budge. Her and Ren were locked in the current of the situation and he watched as her eyes filled with tears.

"I – I am so –"

"Stop," Ren muttered with a gentleness that surprised even him. "What did I tell you about apologizing."

Rey's eyelids popped wide. "How can you say that? I hit you."

He shook his head, knowing that the slap she'd given was more like a caress compared to the other times he's taken a beating. "You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry I upset you." Now everyone joined in with looking stunned. Even Skywalker, who was having a hard time staying by the door, had his mouth hanging open. Ren could tell Leia wanted to come closer, and Poe actually pinched himself to make sure this was all real.

Ren didn't give a fiery heap of bantha fodder what the trooper was up to.

"We need to leave," Skywalker cut in. "They've moved on from searching this floor."

That seemed to wake everyone up to the situation that was unfolding outside. One by one, they gathered by the door, except Ren stayed where he was. Rey eyed him, alarmed that he wasn't by the exit, but it was his mother who spoke up.

"What are you doing?"

He didn't answer or even glance in her direction. Ren took his steps deliberately slow, coming up behind Rey.

Skywalker contacted Chewie, conveying to the Wookie the plan to meet on the rooftop with the Falcon. Ren's heart skipped a beat from dread. He hated that ship and partly blamed that piece of junk for taking his father away from him, which was stupid given the fact that the smoldered parts of metal weren't even alive. But whatever, he wasn't getting on that freighter anyway, and he was pretty sure Rey was starting to sense his intentions.

Trying to be discreet, Rey slipped him his saber hilt and he positioned it in his gloved right hand.

One after the other, they bolted from the room, Ren purposely taking up the rear during the frantic trip. While ascending the stairs, he reflexively put his hand on Rey's lower back, using the excuse that he was helping her up the stairs. But honestly, he just wanted to touch her. From Rey's sudden jolt, she felt his touch, but didn't swat it away. Instead, she moved closer to him.

The stormtrooper kept glancing behind, his frustration obvious and giving Ren a high of satisfaction. But then he remembered this might be the last time he felt Rey on his palm and the gratification melted into anguish.

They made it to the roof, big swells of wind hammering against Ren and causing him to shift his balance so he didn't fall. How long had he been in that warehouse? He was sure it wasn't over an hour, and yet, the weather had changed dramatically in such a short time. Black, ominous storm clouds were rolling toward the quarry from the west, covering the dark, twinkling sky. To the east, light crawled languidly onto the sky's canvas, brushing it with strokes of blue and orange. The sun was still hidden behind the far off mountains, but Ren could feel it jumping with the excitement of gifting the landscape with a new beginning.

Through his tousling hair, he saw the Falcon hovering at the edge of the building, its ramp down and waiting for them to board. He was suddenly bombarded with the memories of finding the Falcon on Starkiller, walking into the cockpit and thinking of the times when he was younger, pretending to pilot the freighter through a horde of tie fighters. Then, as clear as the sky to his left, he could see his father walking onto the bridge to meet him halfway. The image was so real that it ran rampant through his emotions, tearing through his apathy and leaving behind his sickening empathy.

Skywalker quickly ignited his saber and destroyed the door panel, locking the entrance behind them. It was only a matter of time before someone noticed the Falcon hovering idly by the building.

They sprinted to the ship, the violent gusts swirling around them, icing their skin. Ren slid to a stop, his eyes burning from the airstream, but unable to glance away from the ship ahead.

Rey noticed his pause and turned while everyone made it onto the ramp. They all studied the perplexing scene on the roof and Poe yelled something indiscernible over the turbulent weather. Leia wanted to go to him, but Skywalker firmly held her arm.

"Ben!" Rey shouted, her hair floating to the right. "Come on!"

Ren knew where that ship would take him and he refused to go there. Nothing ideal was waiting for him at the Resistance.

"I'll find my own way off the planet," he shouted over the gale storm. "I'm not going to the base!"

Rey's eyes lit up, a fury shining through them that made Ren shiver. Or was that the wind chill seeping into his bones? She hurriedly walked toward him, her jaw clenched and her hand squeezing the saber hilt angrily. For a second, he actually thought she might use her weapon on him – that was how livid she appeared to be.

"You're getting on that ship with your own two feet, or I'll drag you on there myself!"

He shook his head. "There's nothing for me there."

"I'm there," she countered, her voice cracking from a constricted throat. Her anger was breaking down into desperation and it was extremely difficult to not give into her demands, but he remained firm.

"You know they'll kill me for everything I've done. And then where would that leave you?"

"Don't try to use me as an excuse! We can figure out a way to keep you alive. You're just afraid of facing up to everything you've done, but sooner or later, you're gonna have to. So you might as well do it with me around so I can help you through the guilt. Let me help you!"

Men were banging at the door behind him and Rey glanced at the closed entrance. "We don't have time for this! Just get on the ship and we'll figure everything out later."

Ren's feet wouldn't move. "I always tell myself I'll figure it out later, but this time, I already know what I want to do. I can meet up with you later on." Ren's facial muscles were seizing up from the cold and he welcomed the reprieve from the torture.

Rey harshly grabbed a fistful of his shirt, trying to shake some sense into him. "There won't be a later on! Can't you feel it? If you don't get on that ship, we'll never see each other again!"

Maybe that was what the past two weeks were trying to tell him: that Rey and him could never work and he needed to accept that. Her life was the antithesis to his dark existence and were impossible to join together, like oil and water. Maybe all those times he felt like their destinies were entwined was just him wishfully thinking that he could be with a woman as exceptional as her.

Rey's mouth slackened, a whole lot of what-the-hell-are-you-thinking forming into her expression. "You can't do this to me again. So if you're not getting on that ship, then neither am I!"

"Rey –" The prick in his mind came back, telling him to get Rey to safety.

Tersely, Ren Force pushed Rey to the ramp, Poe and Finn catching her before the landing became extremely hazardous. Ren jumped back just as the darksaber slammed down where he'd been standing. With his saber ignited, he blocked the onslaught of attacks, his mind purely focused on the threat trying to kill him. There was only a few seconds of dueling before the rooftop door finally opened, soldiers flooding out of the exit and firing at him and the Falcon. Ren ran to the side, his lightsaber attempting to block the blaster fire as he jumped off the buildings ledge, feeling a sharp sting in his left shoulder blade and right calf. He kept his mind on using the Force to slow his fall, trying not to be distracted by the new injuries.

But damn, they were too excruciating to fully ignore.

With Ren's strength already extremely spent, the fall was less than graceful, the shock of hitting the ground shooting through his knees and vibrating his teeth.

His side and back were aching to the point that it was hard to breathe through the pain. He grabbed at the side wound, twisting the flesh and using the painful anger to fuel his focus. Cato landed in front of him and Ren braced himself quickly for the succession of blows.

Ren was put on the defensive, parrying the swings and thrusts from the very capable knight. His performance was grossly below expectations, which unnerved him. Up above, the Falcon maneuvered away from the blaster fire, but didn't leave the quarry. It was twisting and turning, trying to stay close to him while firing at the enemy.

Cato took advantage of the distraction and lunged at Ren's exposed right side. The sharp slice took his breath away, but he didn't have time to assess the damage. From the heat spooling over onto his leg, he knew the wound was bad.

The fight was being drawn out into the open, catching the attention of a few soldiers. Ren had to block their fire and track Cato's blade at the same time and all of it was proving to be too taxing on his already throbbing brain. Luckily, the Falcon flew by, firing at the rooftop and causing half the building to collapse, giving Ren time to focus solely on Cato.

Their sabers locked and Cato twisted, wrenching Ren's hilt from his grasp and leaving him unarmed. Ren ducked, jumped and skidded out of the way of both sabers. He grabbed Cato's wrist and twisted to plant his elbow right in the knight's mask. Involuntarily, the knight dropped the darksaber and it slid off to the side against a boulder. Cato hooked his foot against Ren's heel and pulled, sending him to the ground with a loud grunt.

Ren outstretched his hand, calling the blade to him, but Cato proved to be faster as he drove Ren's blade right in the direction for his heart. The darksaber was not going to make it to his hand in time. So with no options left, Ren lifted his hand to block the crackling blade.

It was a move that was rarely used and never practiced – which was understandable, seeing how no one in their right mind would voluntarily put their hand against a lightsaber. But this was Ren's only option, so he had to risk it.

Heat blasted into his palm, but thankfully, the saber did not cross through his flesh. While straddling Ren, Cato leaned into the saber, causing it to disappear further into his hand. Ren gritted his teeth so hard, he was surprised they hadn't shattered. The pain in his palm was equivalent to holding your hand directly over a fire, but he didn't dare flinch.

As his endorphins kicked in, he soared to a nice high that made him glow with what felt like health, but was really evidence that his body was in a lot of trouble. There were injuries everywhere and he knew he shouldn't be feeling this way unless his body was starting to shut down. It was essentially the high one received before death took them, and for the first time during the whole ordeal, Ren realized that dying was a very big possibility.

Was this what his victims felt in their last moments? The thought echoed in his mind as it lingered.

Rey tugged on their bond and in his desperation, he wrenched it open. Without asking and not knowing her intentions, he stole a portion of Rey's power and put it all behind a Force push. Ren's saber flew off into the distance, leaving Cato on top of him. Ren twisted his hips and the two men wrestled for control, their forearms and biceps straining as they rolled around. Usually Ren was good at the ground game, but given how his muscles had liquefied, he was close to useless. Even his clothes felt like heavy chains around him, drawing him further into the ground.

His will to keep going was there. His body was not.

Cato punched Ren's bad side, shuffling his internal organs and causing his eyesight to blacken momentarily as he wobbled to his full height. The high was now gone, putting him in full crash territory. The knight's hit had stunned Ren long enough for the man to find the darksaber and come at him. As Ren tried to dart out of the way, his mind moved too sluggishly for his body to respond. The unholy blade sliced at his upper arm and Ren knew the situation was dire when he didn't even feel it.

His actions were very much like a glass tumbling off a table, shattering and spilling in slow motion, unable to hold himself together anymore.

Ren anticipated Cato's next move completely wrong as he went in the opposite direction. His chest ignited into an inferno and every molecule in his body was shocked into submission. The darksaber slid into his sternum and pointed out his back, burning through his jacket.

There was pain, like the kind you experience when your throat burned from the cold air. Then there was PAIN, the type that you lived through when being shot by a bowcaster. This was **PAIN** , and the feeling numbed out the rest of Ren's senses.

Ren didn't feel his hands grip around Cato's, didn't register the pressure on his knees as they hit the ground. He didn't shudder, didn't process, didn't blink. His mind was falling, completely subject to the laws of gravity and descending at a speed that was uncontrollably gut wrenching. The destination was tantamount to death's door and he was going to be barging through it pretty soon.

Cato was on one knee as he plunged the blade further, the hilt pressing against Ren's chest and making him gasp. On his knees and out of luck, Ren looked up, glancing past Cato's odious mask and at the red rim of the sun against the mountains. The wind had calmed sometime during the fight and the storm clouds had veered off in the other direction, blessing Ren with the opportunity to feel the sun on his face one last time. How trivial he felt in that moment, his petty ambitions and strivings paling in the presence of the exalted elemental forces of nature and transience.

Death was full, while man remained so small.

On the Dejarik board of his Force-forsaken existence, the pieces had been lined up, the play already preordained. So many times in his life, Ren had thought he was choosing his own path, but he wasn't. The way he went was already decided for him and had led him here. Free will was an absolute illusion and Ren had been unbelievably naïve to think that he was an exception.

Fear flooded Ren's face, the same fear he would witness in all the people he had killed. There was no bargaining or pleading for more time. His life was now on a countdown to his end.

No amount of healing could bring him back from this. This was a mortal blow, a stain on his chest he couldn't wash away. The energy required to heal the wound would surely kill him faster, and he wanted to stay alive as long as possible.

Suddenly, Cato was violently tossed back into the air, the darksaber going with its master. As Ren fell back, he just laid there as a crushing pressure made his heart hurdle and his mind fog. Wide-eyed, all he could do was gasp, quick fluttering breaths beating against the blood rising in his throat, causing him to spit it out all over his face.

Each inhale made him feel like he was being stabbed all over again, but his body refused to let him go without oxygen.

One after the other, he saw faces. Each one of his victims appeared to him, watching as justice was enacted upon the man who murdered them. He thought they had long been forgotten, but his subconscious must have been storing away their images so they could be used at this exact moment.

Ren was living through the hopelessness each of them had experienced, and he couldn't stop the guilt that devoured him. Ren had always been unrepentantly wicked, but now, he wished he could take it all back. He had refused to kill children, but what a lie that all was. Every person in this galaxy was a child to someone, whether he or she was five or fifty. The village on Jakku had to have had children there; Ren just went out of his way to not look too closely.

His vision started to darken, his breathing becoming more labored. His thoughts drifted to Rey. Loving her was the most exquisite part of self-discovery and he regretted not telling her that, regretted not getting on the Falcon when he had the chance. If he just followed her onto the freighter, none of this would've happened. Maybe they could've found a way around his execution…

Damn. Rey was never going to be the same after his heart stopped beating and he couldn't do a thing about it. He was going to leave Rey to the curse of being alone while being surrounded by people. Maybe her stormtrooper would be enough to help her; maybe she could find some sort of comfort in him.

Ren was about to die alone by the same wound he inflicted upon his father. _How fitting,_ he thought. An ironic smile plagued his lips as he felt his heart pull the remaining blood from his head. While his mind went through the steps of shutting down, his neurons started to fire, bringing up memories that had long been buried.

He was six and had just awoken from a nightmare. Having wet his bed and overwrought with fear, he crept to his mother's room. Opening the door, she saw his illuminated silhouette against the hallway light. He thought she was going to be upset that he'd woken her, but instead, she gave him a loving smile. She helped him get clean and change his sheets, and just when he thought she was going to leave him to his despair, she offered her son the empty spot next to her in bed.

"The monsters aren't real, Ben," she whispered in his ear. "And even if they were, I would never let them hurt you."

His mother held him all night, guarding him from the fiend that poisoned his thoughts and dreams.

 _Ahhhhhhhh…._ Ren could feel his mother's arms through the good memory. It was comforting and warm and filled with love. Like all children, Ren had loved his parents unconditionally, until his neglect became a condition he could not look past. Leia had ignored him for most of his existence, but no amount of hate could mask how he cared for her. His last thoughts revolved around his mother – not Han, not Rey – and how he would never get to apologize for killing the man she had loved.

A guttural screaming of his name soared through the air, but Ren couldn't decipher who it was from.

His heart slowed, his eyes shut, and his body felt like it was floating. All feeling was now numbed, like his body was giving him one last breath of peace before he ceased to exist. It was sardonic that he had always been searching for this feeling, and the one place he found it was right before the end.

Death, who had always been his ally, was now coming for him, betraying him at his most vulnerable. This entity, this black shadow had robbed him of his innocence and was now going to take his substance. His body was going to become fertilizer upon this cold, harsh ground.

 _This is it_ , he thought _._ Panicked, he tried to open his eyes, but it was too late. They had become black walls. The vortex latched onto his soul, sucking him down no matter how much he tried to pull himself free.

"I'll always be here for you, Ben," his mother reassured him. He felt her smile against his cheek and he nuzzled closer to her warmth, feeling her embrace tighten around his small body.


	34. Wake Up

Rey bolted for the Falcon, the windburn resonating on her face, her hair at the mercy of the storm. The strong gusts were making it hard to breathe, like somehow the air pressure had dropped and was now sucking the vital supply of oxygen from her lungs. Glancing to her left, she noticed Ben was no longer by her side. She ground to a halt. Whipping around and brushing the strands of hair that snaked around her eyes, she saw Ben, not moving or even attempting to make it closer to the freighter.

He seemed entranced, his eyes glazed over. He couldn't look away from the Falcon… from his father's ship.

There was guilt in his gaze and Rey knew he was afraid to board the ship that held so many memories of Han. "Ben!" she yelled over the violent weather. "Come on!"

His attention fully bolted onto her and her whole body trembled, not from the cold, but from how his face melted into the expression you get right before saying goodbye: he was heart broken. "I'll find my own way off the planet. I'm not going to the base!"

Putting her pent up anger into clutching her saber hilt till her fingers cracked, Rey hurriedly walked up to him, needing to snap him out of the past and into the calamitous situation of the present. "You're getting on that ship with your own two feet, or I'll drag you on there myself!"

Why was he doing this? Did he not want to be with her? Rey couldn't watch him leave again; she didn't want to sleep alone anymore, nor wake up to find him not next to her.

His time of self-discovery was over because dammit, she said so, and he was getting on the Falcon either through the use of the Force or being talked into it. Actually, there was no time for talking, so maybe she should just go straight to the Force part.

Strongly, he shook his head, his black hair sticking up against the turbulent storm. "There's nothing for me there!"

Rey blanched. How could he say that? "I'm there!"

_Isn't that enough?_

"You know they'll kill me for everything I've done. And then where would that leave you?"

"Don't try to use me as an excuse! We can figure out a way to keep you alive. You're just afraid of facing up to everything you've done, but sooner or later, you're gonna have to! So you might as well do it with me around so I can help you get through the guilt. Let me help you!"

Loud bangs came from the door behind Ben, making Rey become desperate as her heart hammered and her throat tightened. She was sure her nose was running, but there was no time to think about how unattractive she appeared.

"We don't have time for this. Just get on the ship and we'll figure everything out later!"

"I always tell myself I'll figure it out later, but this time, I already know what I want to do. I can meet up with you later on." As the air left his lungs and his mouth formed the words, Rey could feel the underlying truth of the statement tear at her gut.

Grabbing at his black shirt and getting on her toes, she shook his broad and formidable body. He barely moved and she was reminded just how much bigger he was than her. "There won't be a later on! Can't you feel it? If you don't get on that ship, we'll never see each other again!"

Ben didn't answer or even try to argue. Rey's jaw dropped, realizing that he did know they would never see each other, and she was floored that he was still not moving. He was choosing to leave her forever, but he was gravely mistaken if he thought she would let that happen. "You can't do this to me again." Her tear ducts stung as they formed the evidence of her loneliness, but the wind quickly whisked them away. "So if you aren't getting on that ship, then neither am I!"

"Rey–"

The rush of air almost popped her eardrums and her stomach hurled as she went flying through the air. Hands roughly caught her as she gasped from the sudden impact, knowing that her arms and back were going to be covered in black and blue welts. Her head whipped back, hitting someone square in the chest and making them grunt. The scene finally became clear as Rey noticed everyone scrambling from her sudden appearance on the ramp, but Rey looked past them to see Ben fighting the same knight she had dueled on Spira.

Then the rooftop door slid open and everything plummeted from bad, all the way down into the depths of an inferno.

Blaster fire came their way as Rey made an attempt to jump off the slope and join Ben in his fight. She got nowhere as Poe dragged her determined rear up the ramp, all the while slightly aware that Luke was doing the same to Leia.

"No! I have to help him!" Rey screamed, throat burning.

"You go out there against thirty men and you'll get yourself killed!" Poe countered. The ramp closed, but she was still trying to claw her way out of the taut arms constricted around her chest. She kicked against the freighters wall, sending them sharply to the ground, her straining body pushing all the air from his lungs as she fell on top of him.

Regaining her footing, she made a dash to the ramp controls and–

Groaning made her glance back to see Finn clutching his bleeding leg on the floor. Nearby, Leia and Luke yelled at each other as he tried to get his twin into the lounge area, making them oblivious to a member of the group being injured.

Rey froze, not knowing if she should get the ramp open or help Finn. Everything was moving way too fast for her to come to a proper decision.

 _Crap, that's a lot of blood_ , she thought as she watched Finn put pressure on the wound.

Her feet guided her to Finn, and she pulled him up onto his good leg. Poe came on the other side and they dragged Finn into the confines of the common area. Dr. Kalonia rushed over immediately, working fast to stop the bleeding.

The ship burped and shuddered from the onslaught of fire, and Chewie yelled that he needed someone on the dorsal cannon. Poe and Rey locked eyes. "Go be Chewie's co-pilot. I'll man the dorsal cannon," Rey ordered quickly.

She ripped off her coat, tossing it to the floor as she sprinted to the lower turret, welcoming the cool air on her heated skin. Falling into the chair, she initiated the sensory board and immediately started firing at the rooftop. Her arms strained against the controls, the concrete grip unnecessary since it wouldn't help her fire any faster, but she had to put her stress somewhere that wasn't her spiraling mind.

Ren was fighting the knight below, and Rey's stomach clenched as she immediately realized he was losing steam.

Fast.

Chewie soared away from the warehouse, twisting in the air and making a dive back to the ground. Rey lost sight of Ben for a few moments, but he was still standing when he came back into view. He was trying to balance blocking blaster shots from the roof while dueling the knight at the same time, and it was obvious to anyone with two eyeballs that he was struggling. His forms were getting sloppy and his arms were lowering his lightsaber repeatedly, giving his opponent more of an opening. Rey aimed and rained down fire upon the roof, destabilizing the old building and causing half of it to crumble in a pile of dust and sparks.

The Falcon soared back into the air, and again, Rey had to wait to see Ben. She grabbed the headset and ordered Chewie to land as close as he could to the fight. The Wookie didn't argue, which was good since Rey was suddenly bombarded with a lot of pain. Sweat covered her skin as she bit down hard on her lip, stifling a scream that would be harrowing to hear. Everything hurt: her back, joints, head, and organs felt like they were being put through a grinder, and even that was not enough of a comparison.

Gasping and raking her fingers over her agonizing body, she comprehended that the pain was not her own: it was Ben's. He couldn't keep fighting like this, not if he wanted to live through the next few minutes.

As Chewie flew them back around, she stayed behind the cannon's controls just in case more fire power was needed. Her pupils locked onto Ben and the knight, their distant form's wrestling for control on the cold, rocky ground. The knight stabbed Ben's blade downward and Rey watched in horror as Ben suddenly stopped the saber with his palm.

The fact that he was doing something so miraculous was overshadowed by the intense burning in Rey's right hand. Their connection was thinning, transferring the remainder of his pain to her.

_The bond…._

She opened herself to him, yanking on the otherworldly chord that bound them together. He roughly extracted her strength and she gladly parted with it. She tried giving more, but he only took enough to push the saber from the knight's grasp. The Falcon was seconds from landing as the scene slowed to a ghastly crawl that made it impossible to tear her corneas away from.

Ben wobbled upon standing and the knight slashed at his upper arm.

At that very moment Ben lurched the wrong way, leaving his upper body completely exposed. The black blade plunged directly into his chest, sticking out through his back and making him go to his knees. It was a hideous revelation; a realization that what Rey had been sensing earlier had come to fruition, arriving in the form of finality.

Rey's heart exploded, fragmenting in a fury of fire within her chest, the pressure making it hard to breathe, but not impossible.

Her scream was raw and untamed, letting her wrath filled power lock onto the knight and rip him violently away from the man that was her other half. Ben fell back like a stone, not even putting his arms out to slow his fall. He was dead weight, barely alive, struggling for oxygen.

The following sequence played out in a series of minutes that lasted a millennium: the Falcon landing, Rey running over the uneven terrain, his name escaping her lips, her tripping over loose rocks as fear overwhelmed her. The blaze in her chest was now gone, relaying to her that Ben was going numb.

Rey crumbled to the dirt, the small pebbles slicing into her knees, not that she really noticed. All she knew was the gruesome image lying before her: Blood everywhere, oozing out of Ben's chest, his face splattered red, the liquid dripping from his mouth. Rey's heart was screaming in agony, but her ears quickly told her that the shrieking was coming from her lungs.

Death was coming; she could sense its shadow. But the ethereal enemy wasn't coming for her… it's goal was Ben.

Hands shaking, she put pressure on the chest wound, feeling the blood pulse between her fingers. Without even knowing what she was doing, she could perfectly see the damage that was inside. While the medical nomenclature was a massive hemothorax with lacerations to the aorta, right pulmonary veins and superior vena cava, one thought cleared all that up immediately:

Ben was going to die.

Rey didn't have time to bask at the amazement of somehow using Ben's knowledge to know the extent of his injuries. Reality overwhelmed her.

Poe suddenly appeared, hoisting Ben onto his shoulders and running full throttle back to the Falcon. Rey followed, noticing that Leia was at Poe's side, grasping onto Ben's limp and swaying hand. They barreled into the main hold, Luke helping to place Ben carefully on the floor.

Rey's mind was immensely pressurized, the connection between her and Ben preparing to snap.

"Chewie!" Luke yelled towards the cockpit. "Get us out of here!"

Dr. Kalonia cut open Ben's shirt, revealing a narrow scorched wound on his sternum and blood staining his revealed pale skin. The injury appeared to be small, but stars, Rey felt like it should be the size of a grave. Rey stood off to the side, looking down at the unfolding scene.

Leia knelt by Ben's head, shedding quiet tears and looking at Ben's body in horror. Dr. Kalonia froze up, scrutinizing the injury with the knowledge and expertise no one else in the room possessed. She fumbled through her med bag, putting small, circular patches on Ben's chest. A holo-image appeared above him, showing and playing the erratic beats of his heart.

Harter glanced over the image, then to the wound, until finally settling her sights on Leia. "Why have you stopped?" Leia borderline yelled at the women. "Do something!"

Dr. Kalonia shook her head slowly, opening and closing her mouth while fumbling for the right words. "Leia, he needs open heart surgery, and I don't have that kind of medical equipment with me. It's–"

The monotone note of the hologram froze the whole room, everyone's head snapping to the image. But Rey couldn't see anymore. Technically, she could, but her brain couldn't register the picture below.

The connection between her and Ben finally broke, the ramifications piercing her mind and constricting her lungs. She fell to her knees, vaguely aware of the yelling and the chaos that suddenly claimed the room. Harter was attempting to shock Ben's heart back to life, but Rey knew… she knew it was over.

After a few attempts the doctor realized the fight was futile, so she backed off, trying to comfort Leia, but the bereaved mother grabbed her son's face and cried into his bloodied hair.

Rey stared, not fully understanding the sudden dread that startled her. This wretched happenstance had finally come in the form of Ben dying, of him leaving her permanently. The breakdown in the structure of her reality was now manifesting. For as Ben was now dead, so did she suffer a thousandfold.

There was emptiness at the pit of her stomach, one that could never be filled no matter how much sustenance she packed into it. It was a loss that could not be found, a cold that could not be cured, and a thirst that could not be quenched. A chunk of her mind seemed to be missing, leaving her confused, like she had just walked into a room and forgot why she was there. No matter how hard she thought, she would never be able to remember.

Then, with the ounce of awareness left within her, she realized that this was the insanity Ben had spoken of. It didn't hit her mind with powerful force, but with a subtle sleight of hand, a slow burn that was not immediately harrowing. The desolation, while it didn't seem too punishing at the moment, would drive her mad if it never went away.

_I can't live like this. I can't do this._

Rey's sorrow was pervasive, as concentrated as a black hole, and as immeasurable as a new days skyline.

Luke tried to console Leia, but her wailing did not falter. Poe leaned against the lounge table, staring distantly at Ben's corpse, blood all over his right shoulder and torso. Finn settled off to the side, head down and eyes closed.

On her hands and knees, Rey crawled to Ben's ashened body, gluing her eyes to the sickly wound that killed him. Cautiously, Rey covered the injured flesh with her own bloody hands, her eyes welling with tears when she didn't feel Ben's heart beat. She was powerless against fate and the consequences of free will, not knowing how to bend the domain to her demands.

And yet….

She had to try. If she didn't, the regret would rot her insides faster than the cold hollowness of grief. Time was way too finite and Ben's death was the means in which Rey comprehended that fact. She'd only been able to spend a handful of days with him and as the end came, it turned out not to be enough. She could have been given eternity with him and she still would've greedily wanted more.

Closing her eyes, power shot through her hands, sending a shockwave of invisible electricity that caused everyone's hairs to stand on end. The lights in the main hold flickered and were unable to stabilize, because she dared not stop the transfer of Force.

"Rey," she heard Luke's worried voice. "It won't work. He's gone." His hands went to tear hers away, but she territorially swatted his attempt aside. "You need to stop," he said more resolutely. "Doing this could very well kill you." When she felt his touch again, she couldn't prevent her denial from flinging the Jedi Master across the room. Her eyelids remained shut, but she could sense the shock on everyone's faces.

 _They don't understand_ , she told herself. _Destiny owes me this. I went through hell living alone on Jakku. I deserve to get what I want for once!_ She didn't want to be forever in pain, walking through the galaxy as a dead woman because of a fate she couldn't control. So, she would have to manipulate events to her liking.

" _Rey!"_ Kayani shouted through her thoughts. _"You're draining yourself of too much power! You cannot change fate; it is always absolute."_

" _You said you needed Ben to get to Snoke. If you don't have him, your plans are over."_

Alarms started to go off, conveying that the freighter was in serious trouble of combusting.

" _We can find another way, but if you die, all is lost! You don't have enough power to bring him back!"_

" _Then I'll just take the power from you."_ Rey clawed at the entity that damned her to this path and ripped at the formidable walls guarding Kayani's power, plummeting inside the well of potent fire. Rey breathed in the blaze, fueling her strength, and exhaling it into Ben's chest. Her command was simple, but dominant: heal the wound to his sternum and make his heart start beating.

" _No!"_ Kayani howled. _"You're taking too much! My brother will see! He'll know we are connected!"_

" _I. Don't. Care."_ Rey enunciated the words with deliberation and hostility.

Luke was yelling at her to stop, which was more like background noise at this point. "This will kill you!"

"Kill her? If she keeps going, we're all dead!" Poe stated, voice anxious. "She's ripping the Falcon apart while in hyperspace!"

A sense of urgency grew inside Rey, as if time was telling her the longer Ben remained dead, the harder it would be to bring him back. Her panic was the only verve between them, her heart the only one that beat, her lungs the only pair that breathed.

Her power traveled in between and among his molecules, her desperation energizing them, electrifying them with the life she was so willing to give up. As energy began to leave her and diffuse into Ben, Rey started to breath hard, her chest pumping, her mouth falling open, her tongue dry from the exertion.

She was so close, she could feel the revitalization on her fingertips, sense the impossibility of resurrection in her soul. Their connective chord was winding back together, both sides reaching out to meld the lively fibers into one, strong cable of solidarity.

Almost…. The tendrils stretched and –

Rey jerked back, soft arms catching her fall as she collapsed candidly into an embrace. She wheezed and her muscles shook as if disapproving over their sudden loss of strength. The alarms snapped off and the lights steadied, relaying to the passengers that the ship was presently safe.

Forcing her eyes open, Rey glanced at Ben, her gut twisting in anticipation at what she would see. The holo-image spiked and the circular patches beeped as his heart started beating, auditory evidence that Ben was indeed among the living again. Ben's color changed progressively fast, all that was matte and dull and that terrible hue of death was now showing a hint of pink on his naturally pale skin. His chest was completely mended, his skin appearing smooth beneath all the blood.

Rey didn't have any strength to cry out, to shout or rejoice over accomplishing the impossible. Inside she was soaring with elation, skipping with the joy of reviving Ben. But she quickly lost elevation as she realized Ben's chest injury was not the only wound he had sustained.

No one moved… or breathed… or blinked. The shock was rampant and Rey was about to whip everyone back to the present when Dr. Kalonia finally got her wits together. She superficially assessed the rest of the damage, keeping her eyes on the new patient as she flung out orders. "Poe," Harter spoke evenly, making the pilot snap his distant attention to her. "You have medical training, right?"

"Uhhhhh, just the few courses we were required to take in flight school," his shaky voice answered.

Harter started taking Ben's boots off. "It's better than nothing and I need more hands." Poe strode over and kneeled next to the doctor, helping her to strip Ben of clothing.

"I can help," Leia offered through a hiccup of sobs, caressing Ben's hair like it would somehow comfort him. Luke grasped his sister's shoulders, looking stunned.

Harter shook her head as her hands worked quickly. "Family and friends shouldn't be involved in a situation like this." At that, Poe froze for a fraction of a second, his mouth opening like he was going to say something. Instead, he brushed it off and resumed sliding the jacket off of Ben's shoulders.

While Finn held Rey in his arms, Rey's head remained turned toward Ben, waiting for him to open his eyes. He didn't. He still had many wounds to be treated, and Dr. Kalonia and Poe were working fast to stop the bleeding. Rey watched as tears streamed across her temples, sliding into her ears and hair. She was looking for signs that the life force she had given Ben wouldn't hold, that the harrowing gray would return and signal deaths renewed clasp.

It never did.

Events blurred as wounds were cleaned, sutured, and bacta patched. Needles pricked Ben's skin, connecting him to a clear liquid Rey wasn't familiar with. Luke helped the process go quicker by healing Ben's head injury and the one on his calf, but then backed off to let medical treatments take over.

"What are his chances of making it back to the base?" Leia asked, her voice cracking. For the first time, Rey noticed just how horrible the woman appeared, but Rey selfishly wanted Dr. Kalonia to keep all the attention on Ben.

"He's lost a lot of blood and his blood pressure is extremely low. I won't know if he sustained any brain damage until he either wakes up or we get him to a med bay so I can get some scans going."

"But will he make it?"

"I don't know," Harter breathed, letting her exhaustion roll off her shoulders. "But he appears to be stable... for now." Suddenly, the doctor was peering at Rey in wonder and confusion. "You saved him."

Yes, she saved Ben, but damned herself in the process. Snoke knew about her; she could feel it. Rey had been a beacon among the dark as she took Kayani's power, leading that vile creature to the truth of whom she was harboring.

The hunt had now become personal.

Rey cowered from all the eyes that bore into her and when she looked up, she saw Finn staring down. His expression was impassive and she was too weak to sense his underlying emotions. "I'm sorry," she whispered, not knowing exactly what she was apologizing for. Saving Ben when Finn wanted the man dead? Lying to him the last two weeks? Taking advantage of his friendship? The list went on and on and on….

Rey choked out a cry from the weight of everything crashing down upon her, stretching her emotions thin. "I couldn't let him die, Finn." Stars, her voice sounded noticeably pathetic. "He promised me," she dejectedly said as she burrowed her face into his chest, hiding herself from the universe. Finn firmly held onto her, bringing her closer, comforting. "He promised…" Rey's lids closed and with exhaustion melting into her bones, she couldn't fight the sleep that claimed her, tossing her among the turbulent dreams of loss and longing.

()()()()()

The first thing Rey noticed was how warm her body was, so much so that she was sweating from being in her own personal sauna. She was wrapped in a cocoon of soft blankets, and her exhausted body was sinking into a soft and welcoming mattress. Inhaling, the air smelled different than the scent of the Falcon she'd come to know. The air here was thin, cool, and chemical.

Lifting her eyelids, Rey was greeted by a white wall inches away from her nose. Rustling the covers, she rolled around and saw Poe sitting on the bed opposite her. His spine was against the wall, his legs bent to his chest, and his arms resting casually on his knees. With his eyes closed, she would've thought he fell asleep in the uncomfortable position. But by the way he sighed, she knew he was awake.

"Where's Ben?" she inquired, sitting up and swinging her legs over the edge.

Poe opened his eyes, taking a moment before answering. "He's in the medical facility. And before you dart out of the room, they'll let us know when we can see him."

Poe said _we_... as in both of them. Was he eager to see Ben as well?

"They?"

"General Organa and Skywalker. They've taken responsibility for him while he's here."

"Is he awake?" As the words streamed out of her mouth, Rey knew he wasn't. Their connection was more entrenched into her being and while she felt his life beat within her heart, his mind was detached from her own.

"Last I heard, they were purposely keeping him drugged so he stayed asleep. But that was hours ago. Maybe he's awake by now. I know the general was eager to speak with him."

"He's still unconscious," Rey muttered.

"That bond of yours still workin'?"

Rey nodded. "I don't know how to explain it, but it's a lot stronger now."

"Probably because you used the Force to bring him back to life."

She shrugged, finally noticing the rations at the end of her bed. "Probably…."

Poe followed her line of sight. "I grabbed those for you. Thought you might be hungry."

Rey was starving. She lunged for the wrappings and tore them open, sinking her teeth in the flavorless bar. Guess Poe was gonna have to watch her guzzle the calories down, because she was not going to stop to find her manners.

After the third packet, she asked, "Where are we? This doesn't look like the base."

"It's a Resistance Cruiser. General Organa gave the order to move bases, since the location had been compromised." Poe stood, crossed the room, and grabbed a canteen of water off the corner table. He handed it to her before going back to his previous position.

She gulped down the cold, silky liquid and wiped the excess from her chin. "How long have I been asleep?"

Poe shrugged. "A day. Maybe longer." Something was off with him. Rey couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was. His usual boisterous voice was flat, the light in his eyes now dull. If she didn't know any better, she would think he was miserable.

Rey slowed her chewing. "Where's Finn?"

Poe averted his eyes elsewhere. "On the ship somewhere – maybe on the base below. I don't know…."

"Have you talked to him?"

"Somewhat," he murmured. Rey scrunched her eyes, noticing that the left side of his face seemed to be more swollen than the right. Was his skin turning a shade of purple?

"Poe. How did you get that bruise on your cheek?"

He craned his head back, glancing up at the ceiling. "Guess."

Rey froze, realization clicking into place. "I'm gonna go find him," she grumbled as she searched for her boots, finding them by the door.

"He doesn't want to see you." Rey paused, seeing the desolation in Poe's demeanor. He shook his head as if he could make his thoughts disappear. "You know, as I watched Ren die, I actually felt... sad." His stare moved gradually before locking onto hers, pinning her in place. "You would think I kind of cared about the bastard, right? He almost killed Finn... and I had to watch him struggle to walk and sleep through the night because of it. And there I was, _sad_ that Ren had died, sad that I wouldn't be able to thank him for saving BB-8." Poe's self-hatred melded deeper into his face. "I can't imagine how betrayed Finn is feeling right now. Fuck, I'm a horrible friend, aren't I?"

"If you are, then I am, too," Rey muttered, picking at the hem of her shirt.

Honestly, Rey knew just what kind of friend she was – she'd known that fact for a while and had even come to accept it as a huge flaw in her character. But Poe… it appeared he was just now realizing what kind of person he was, and he was deducing that he was a bad one.

Which wasn't true, but it didn't seem like the man wanted to be comforted. And Rey wasn't particularly skilled at the one-on-one stuff.

She resumed with making herself look presentable to outside eyes while Poe kept staring passed the ship, staring at a part of himself he did not like.

"I told you," Poe cut through the melancholy silence. "Finn doesn't want to see you."

Arming herself with her usual weapons, she exhaled an expedient sigh. "Well, I'll go looking for Master Skywalker or General Organa then." The exit opened, revealing the reflective walls of the hallways. Rey paused, turned, and addressed Poe. "Are you coming?"

He frowned and looked at her. "Why?"

"Because even though you hate admitting it to yourself, you do want to see how Ben is doing. So stop denying it and come with me."

"They said they'd tell us when we could see him," Poe pointed out.

Rey raised a brow. "You always follow orders?"

()()()()()

In a manner of speaking, the word "in" was not a highly important or profound term. Its definitions, according to the Basic language, were the following:

Used to indicate location or position within something, or used to indicate that someone or something belongs to or is included as part of something.

It was used offhandedly in a sentence, the speaker not putting any thought into the preposition. No one really knew the etymology of the word. Basic was such an old language, that "in" never had its origins recorded – most likely because the word was so unimportant, nobody cared.

But to Finn, that word meant everything.

Outside, under the canopy of thick vines and tall trees, he sat on the warm ground, taking in the vitality of the jungle. The humidity was unrelenting and he wished they could have chosen a drier part of Raxus as a base, but his mind was too preoccupied to really care. The events over the last day cycled through his thoughts, plaguing him with a truth that was so cruel, it had to be real.

Rey was in love with Kylo Ren.

In. Love.

Using the word "in" before the term "love" amplified its emotional impact, and made Finn want to vomit his breakfast onto the moist ground beneath him. If he hadn't witnessed those two interact with one another, he wouldn't have believed such a thing was possible. But it was. The way Rey gazed at him, how territorial she became when Ren was unconscious, the way they fittingly moved together….

It was like those two had known each other their whole lives.

And Kylo Ren... That piece of human filth obviously worshiped the ground she walked on, absorbing Rey's beauty like she was an oasis to his harsh, desert existence. That guy was so outwardly smitten that Finn had been tempted to grab Rey and hide her from that monster's seducing snare.

_What the hell happened on Spira?_

"It's difficult to explain," Poe had told him after they transferred Ren and Rey to the Resistance cruiser. _If I had a credit for every time someone made me feel less than capable of understanding a situation, I'd be richer than the Intergalactic Banking Clan._

The conversation with his 'friend' had quickly escalated from sour to confrontational after Poe started to defend the miraculously resurrected man in the med bay. Finn brought his shaky fist into view, studying the swollen knuckles of his right hand. His dark skin hid the evidence of his violent outburst, but he knew his body and felt the simmering pain every time he flexed his fingers. Guilt started to –

 _No. Poe deserved it. He knew what Kylo had done to me and had the audacity to defend him. If anything, Poe deserved worse than a right hook to the face_.

Finn had never felt the sting of betrayal so strongly before and it unnerved him how vengeful his thoughts became. He wanted to hit Poe till he bled, scream at Rey till she cried, and kill Kylo for making him part machine.

He had endured, been broken by the First Order, and understood hardship. But now, sitting here alone and friendless, Finn had somehow lost himself, lost the life he thought he had. Everything had been a lie, those closest betraying him and siding with the most heathenistic man in the galaxy. Kylo Ren was a ruthless monster and somehow, he had stolen the two closest people in his life.

Poe had brought him into this world and in a sense, was his savior. Without him, Finn would never have left the First Order. He would be a mindless drone among a sea of white armor, two letters and four numbers the only feature defining him from his fellow soldiers. While Poe had been his first friend, Rey had been the one to bring out the man he was now.

Sometimes, the person you'd take a bolt for was the one behind the blaster.

The horrible part to all this? Finn was desperate to know how Rey was doing. While holding her weak body aboard the Falcon, he'd been conflicted over whether to comfort her or drop her body to the floor, leaving her alone to fend for herself. But the two weeks spent together had overridden his punishing thoughts, and Finn held her through the duration of the flight to Carlac. He even cleaned the blood from her hands and transferred her to the Resistance Cruiser before Poe had tried talking with him.

 _What is she doing right now? Is she with him? Talking with_ him, _laughing with_ him _?_

Their interactions won't be lasting long, however. Word on the base was that Kylo Ren was to be executed, as quickly and swiftly as possible. Finn was not sure how to feel over the news. He wanted the man dead, but knew it was going to hurt Rey.

Finn closed his eyes, breathing in the thick air. Even though the ESC was waiting for him, he didn't want to go back to the base. Everyone was talking about Kylo Ren being General Organa's son, and they were all conflicted if they should paint the general as a liar or not. The only saving grace was that at least the council had known, so they all didn't feel completely betrayed.

Finally getting his faculties together, Finn journeyed back to the expansive building, his leg mostly healed from the bacta treatments. No doubt Breaala was going to hound him with questions when he got back, none of which he'd answer.

()()()()()

"Leia, I think you should wait a little longer before waking him. He's still healing and–"

"I don't think a conversation is going to injure him further," her sharp voice cut her brother off.

Leia sat next to Ben's bed, holding his huge hand and being careful not to disturb the IV under his skin. Her son had been restrained with Force suppressing restraints, one on each wrist and ankle. They were attached to the new railings that lined the bed, but Leia had an inkling that even specially designed cuffs wouldn't hold her son for long.

"You mistake the power of words. And what makes you think he'll even talk to you?"

Stars, her twin was really annoying her with all the repeated questions.

"I'm his mother," Leia stated factually, as if Luke somehow forgot that detail.

"Exactly. He might've saved your life, but he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with you." The words tore at her, but she made no show of it. She thought back to that utility room on Lothal, how her son glared at her with contempt.

"I just – I need to talk to him," she murmured, brushing a strand of raven hair from his face. It was a blessing to have him asleep, for he could not refuse her touch. It was cheating in a way, but her son was so full of hate and pride that he would never allow her to touch him so affectionately under normal circumstances.

Luke exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Leia, he isn't the person you remember."

"Do you think I don't know that?"

"You seem to be in need of a reminder. He murdered Han –"

"I know what he's done!" she snapped at Luke while remaining at Ben's side. "Do you really think I would live in denial? My son is a monster, because I let him become one. I know you place some of the blame on Han and me for being horrible parents, and I'm not going to fight you on that. Not a day goes by that I don't regret pushing Ben away. He has killed so many people; he killed…" her voice teetered off, unable to say Han's name out loud.

_Snoke. It was Snoke who did all this._

The quiet stretched before she found her voice again. "I am going to speak with him, even if the conversation turns ugly."

"It more than likely will and the last thing either of you need is to yell at one another… like you always did."

Leia rolled her eyes. "It might seem odd to you that some people communicate that way, but that's how we end up talking to each other."

"You say that like it's normal. It's not, Leia. And you know Ben never responded well to the yelling."

Leia bit her lip. "I know…. He was always more sensitive than Han and I."

The door slid open as one of the nurses entered. "Excuse me, general? Rey and Commander Dameron are asking to come inside."

Leia straightened upon hearing Rey's name. "You can bring them in."

Poe was still the handsome, young man Leia remembered, but Leia was more focused on the young woman by his side. She was beautiful, with an innocence that made her features glow and her eyes soft. But she carried herself with strength and power, her lithe body ready to pounce on anything that stood in her way. It was obvious why her son cared for such a woman, which panged Leia with jealousy. She tampered it down, focusing on how grateful she was that Rey had put her life on the line to save her son.

"How is he?" Rey quietly asked, as if raising her voice would wake him.

"He's gone through two rounds in the bacta tank, and he'll be left with scars. But he's alive." Leia answered before going over to the young woman and embracing her, spilling her gratitude into how tightly she held onto the girl's slender frame. Drawing back, Leia's eyes became passionate and she was impressed that Rey didn't look away. "Thank you for saving him. You're an incredible young woman to look past everything he's done."

Rey smiled and reddened, not knowing how to take the compliment. Leia gave the girl her space by going back to the chair and taking her son's hand.

"How long is he going to be kept like this?" Rey asked as they all turned their attention to Ben. Even though he was asleep, there was a tension in the air that no one relaxed into. They were all staring at the man cuffed to the bed, expecting him to rise up and turn into a tornado of violence. It was if he were a bomb with an unidentifiable detonator and an unknown timetable ticking behind those eyelids.

"Harter is on her way to wake him. Leia and I are going to talk to him first," Luke explained, keeping distance from the bed, but making it clear what he wanted to do.

Leia twisted her torso around, hardening her eyes at her brother. "I want to talk to him alone."

Luke shook his head. "I'm not leaving you in here with him."

"Yes, you are," Leia commanded before sweeping her stare to the other souls in the room. They were obviously uncomfortable with witnessing a bout between brother and sister, but Leia didn't have the strength to care. "You all can wait outside and watch on the monitors if you want."

"Leia…."

"Luke."

Leia wasn't going to relent, and Luke knew it. He pointed at her as he said, "I'm coming in here if things go bad."

Leia agreed to the terms since it wasn't a bad condition to put in place. She barely knew the man lying before her, but she had to talk with him to see how much of Ben was left.

Luke, Rey, and Poe left as Harter entered the room, removing the IV from Ben's hand and looking over his vitals one last time. Once alone, Leia sat and waited, the anticipation of seeing her son's eyes making her heart pound with uncertainty.


	35. Congratulations

It was as if a soft wind blew over the land of Ren's mind, brushing the grass of his thoughts till they swayed against the light of awareness. The gusts grew heady, rustling the landscape of long ago memories while bypassing more current recollections. Still, the storm was penetrating, making him aware of the many aches triggering all over his body. And yet there were great patches of numbness, mostly in his emotions, but some extended to certain parts of his flesh. Gradually, he could feel the measures of agony, the tingling in his muscles, the sting of his jerks and twitches. The swaths of his skin were having a difficult time discerning between the pain and the pleasure he received from the dull torture.

From this conflict, he was reminded of everything that had happened on Lothal.

Did he regain consciousness before dying? Ren realized his fingers were stroking something soft and fluffy, which was not how the ground below his broken body had felt. Brusquely, he attempted to move his hands to his chest, but was thwarted by something hard around his wrists.

Damn, he was extremely groggy, his eyelids lifting against the weight of what felt like the entire universe.

Groaning, his eyes finally took in the white walls and glaring light overhead. Blinking quickly to help his pupils adjust to the brightness, he glanced down at his arms, seeing the soft blue glow of the cuffs casting the hue onto his skin. Further below, the same types of restraints were on his ankles, attaching to the side railing of the ivory bed. Eyes roaming around, he realized he was in a medical facility, which did not narrow down his current location in the slightest.

He tugged against the railing that shouldn't be around the bed's perimeter. The welding evidence was blatant, and Ren knew they had installed the rods just for him.

_How thoughtful, but a waste of time._

The restraints were Force suppressant cuffs and he had figured out how to get free of them years ago. Escaping from four of them at once was going to be a challenge, but he was up for it. He really needed to peer under his white tunic and scrutinize his chest, because he was having a difficult time believing this was real.

He should be dead. Simple as that.

The sound of shuffling from the side made him glance –

Every molecule in his body froze, his electrons no longer orbiting their respective nuclei, but halting in the cloud. Nothing worked; no electricity flowed through his brain as his operating system halted to a crashing stop, slowly rebooted, and took in the presence he was currently staring at.

Leia walked to the chair at the side of the bed and sat, watching her son intently. His eyes could see her tired and weathered face, but his mind was somewhere else – it was with his father, peering at the man's shocked expression as he drove the saber deeper into his chest.

_This can't be real. This isn't happening._

Ren shifted his sight to the ceiling, his heart hammering in his chest, trying to burst free from its cage so he could die and get out of this miserable confrontation.

"Ben," Leia whispered.

Ren was in a fairly comfortable room at a fairly favorable temperature and yet, he felt as though his skin was being burned off his bones. _Am I in a vacuum?_ He was finding it difficult to get oxygen into his lungs.

"How are you feeling?" that woman asked.

 _I'm feeling like I'd rather gauge my eyes out with a spoon than be here right now, but other than that – actually no, I am not doing great_. "You're probably feeling a bit sore," she pointed out.

 _More like_ a lot _sore_. Reflexively, Ren tried to move his hands to his ears so he could muffle her voice, but was of course prevented by the Force restraints.

Leia noticed his aggravation. "You understand why those need to be on you," she stated, no hint of a question in her tone. _Worried that I'll go on a murderous rampage?_ The thought raised the corner of his lips slightly, but then quickly turned into a frown, which was confusing. Interesting how murder didn't have the same ring to it as it used to.

"Are you going to talk to me?"

_No._

"The faster we get this conversation over with, the sooner I'll allow Rey to see you."

_Well played…._

Leia was using Rey against him, knowing that he'd desperately want to see her and pretty much do anything to make it happen. _Conniving…._ Him and this woman had more in common than he preferred to admit.

The thought made his mind laugh in a nasty crack as he took in the situation. Thanks to Snoke's careful training, mind probes, and missions, he felt like he could survive a lot of torture: mental anguish, bodily pain, humiliation, degradation, thriving in the void of hate and destitution.

_Been there, lived through that._

Except listening to Leia's aged voice brought him to a whole new level of torment that he was unfamiliar with.

_Grovel. Beg for forgiveness for what you did to your father._

_No,_ he snapped inwardly. Apologizing for murder changed nothing, but that was not the only reason he was choosing not to. If he did, he would lose the hold he had over his emotions; he would crumble and break in front of her, clawing his way into her arms and pleading for a comforting embrace. He didn't deserve such a thing from her, nor did he like to admit that he wanted it desperately.

So the memory he received before he had blacked out would just have to suffice his childish needs for the rest of his life.

Dammit, he needed to see Rey, though. Zoning in on their connection, he found her side to be closed. Ren almost growled in frustration. He just wanted her to let him in completely, but she still wouldn't allow it. Even after everything that had happened.

Pushing and scrutinizing the bond, Ren noticed that it felt… different. Like it was more embedded into him somehow, but what had changed? Why was it stronger? And there was something else there, too. Like… a different energy? Force signature?

_What the hell is going on?_

Ren cleared his throat, deciding to go along with the pointless game so he could talk to Rey and get answers. "I should be dead," he stated hoarsely.

"You did die, actually. The injury to your chest was too severe for Kalonia to treat."

_Harter had been there?_

Ren waited for Leia to continue, but she didn't. She wanted him to ask more questions, get him to talk – but that was the point, now wasn't it.

 _Manipulation has always been one of her talents_. "How am I alive?" Death was the conqueror of all that was living, greedy down to the last soul it devoured, refusing to spit its meal back out to the universe. So the fact he was breathing did not make sense.

"Rey healed your chest and brought you back."

Neck popping from the sudden turn, he looked at his poised mother. The answer was given off handedly, like she was reading a destination off a star map or making an observation about the weather.

"That's…" …what's the word, "impossible."

Leia shrugged. "You're alive, so apparently it is very possible."

"It shouldn't have been. Attempts to revive someone with the Force have never worked and usually resulted in the person's death."

"Rey is still very much alive, although she was extremely weak after the whole thing. She slept for a full day. And I... can never repay her for bringing my son back to me."

Ren scoffed. _Here we go…_ "Your son?" He made a show of looking around the quaint medical room. "You have a son? I don't see him anywhere."

Leia's eyes narrowed. "Now is not the time for your sarcasm, Ben."

The restraints clanked as he tensed. "That's not my name."

Leia scooted closer, her upper body resting against the railing. "Yes, it is. I am your mother –"

"No, you're not."

Leia was close enough that the heat from her body easily registered against his arm. Or maybe that was his own blood boiling, cause the sensation was spreading throughout his bloodstream.

Leia's jaw tensed. "I gave birth to you."

Ren's mind ignited, his scarred face distorting with anger. "You want a congratulations? A pat on the back? A medal for achieving something women have been doing for thousands of years? I have half your DNA, but don't think for one second that makes me your son," he venomously spat at her. His limbs strained to get free as his mind concentrated on the cuffs. If he spent one more second tied down, he was going to outwardly rage against this sterile room.

_Pop, pop, pop, pop!_

The cuffs opened and he flew out of the bed, rebounded off a table, knocked over a chair until finally bouncing into the wall. His joints cracked from the sudden, sloppy movement, but he didn't care how ridiculous he looked. He just needed to get out of that bed, even if his muscles shrieked in protest. It was apparent his body was not at full strength yet, and if the amateur acrobatics weren't enough of a sign, his wobbly legs sure woke him up to that fact.

Ren didn't go for the door, knowing that if he tried to escape, he would be killed – or worse, locked in a room with his mother. _Oh wait…_

He peered below his shirt, seeing nothing but smooth skin on his chest. So the wound _had_ completely healed.

Yay.

"I know my son is still in there. Just let me help you, Ben," she implored from across the room.

Spinning around, he faced her straight on. "I don't need your help. I'm twenty-nine years old, my need for a mother is well passed."

"You're thirty."

…"Excuse me?"

"You're birthday. It was yesterday." Ren wasn't aware what day it was according to the Galactic Standard Calendar, but Leia wouldn't lie about something like that. The last time Ren had celebrated or even thought about his birthday was when he was eleven, so it didn't come as a shock that he completely forgot about it.

Wait… did he die on his birthday?

_Good. That day can be marred for all I care._

Ren swatted his hand through the air, brushing the inconsequential information aside. "Fine. I'm thirty. The point is you've never acted like my mother, so don't start now. It comes across as pathetic."

Leia's temples protruded, her increasing frustration becoming evident. "Dammit, Ben, I am your mother. I fed you, clothed you, put you into the best schools, and bought you everything you needed. I protected you –"

"Protected me?" Ren couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. "From what exactly? The monsters under my bed? The ones you told me didn't exist? You must feel rather foolish now that you know they actually did."

Leia rubbed her lips together, exhaling in an attempt to center herself. "I did the best I could with what I had. You think it was easy raising someone like you by myself?"

Ren laughed, but it was not of the cheery kind. "And there it is. The admission that you thought I was a monster."

"I never said that."

"The insinuation was pretty fucking clear."

"I never thought you were a monster. I just didn't know how to raise someone with your abilities, with your affinity towards violence."

"Maybe if you told me the truth about my grandfather, I would've understood the darkness within myself," he countered.

Leia nodded solemnly. "I should have told you the truth. I admit that, but you were not an easy child to talk to. You never made anything easy. You never opened up to me, never went out of your way to try and talk to me, you –"

"BECAUSE YOU CHOSE THE SENATE OVER ME EVERY FUCKING TIME!" The scream came out of him hard and severe, making him rattle in his skin, the roar of oblivion overtaking his rationale till all he saw was red. "I'm the child – I am! I shouldn't have to seek out your attention! You should've wanted to spend time with me; you should have wanted to watch me grow up. You should've made dad stay instead of leaving. You never tried to mend that relationship between the two of us. You never –" Before things went completely out of control, Ren snapped his mouth shut, pivoting around to glare at the wall. He stopped mid twist, catching sight of him and his mother in the reflection of a mirror. She was frightened of him, a look he knew all too well. But it was the sight of himself that he zoned in on. His black eyes glowed with an unholy darkness, his upper lip curled back, revealing him to be more savage than man.

Rage built up so fast and so quickly, he wasn't able to control it before it broke free. Rearing his head back, he slammed his forehead into the glass, shattering his reflection onto his bare feet.

Events were foggy from there, since his anger sloshed in his ears and the head wound shook his brain. Leia had screamed in horror, trying to get to him, but was pulled out of the room by a very agile Skywalker.

Left to his own devices, Ren knew exactly where his head and needs were going as his hands tightened into fists. He screamed while he struck the remaining glass to the floor and grunted as the cyclone of destruction devastated the room. The quarters was laid to waste, bloody impressions of his knuckles painting the walls in dots and streaks of red. The burning in his lungs pleaded to let the oxygen stay in the pair long enough to be absorbed, but he didn't relent. He was starving himself of life, physically and emotionally. While suffocating killed the body, mental hypoxia slaughtered the man he used to be.

As he kept going, the blood dripped down his nose and lips, red tears falling from his chin and onto his white tunic. Ren didn't register any pain; no fleeting judgments of his actions came to mind – all that resonated was rage, but not all of it was directed at his mother. That monster in the mirror had revealed itself and Ren hated and loved him, all within the same breath. He hated it for making him into a killer, loved it for letting him feel the power and pleasure that came with subjugation and death.

So many people dead… because of him.

So.

Many.

 _How do I live with myself?_ The _how_ seemed like a colossal feat, one not even he had the strength to endure.

Ren's legs finally gave out, parking his rear on the one part of the floor that wasn't littered with broken medical equipment. Every single muscle fiber twitched, making his body shake uncontrollably.

This toxic interplay with Leia had been too much as it drove him to an edge he couldn't back away from. Ren couldn't believe he'd let her manipulate him into speaking. He should've kept his mouth shut, but when she hung Rey in front of him like bait, he all too willingly bit.

Hate was not a sufficient enough word to describe his feelings toward that woman. The wailing he performed did not make him feel any better as his brain remained clogged with emotions he didn't know how to decipher since he never dared to clean out that rank conduit. The internal screams that viced his heart were getting in the way of reason, turning his logical reserve into an energy shield that froze him inside of himself.

Has he never really delved deep into his emotions, or has he always been this stagnant?

This was why Ren needed the pain. He was stuck, unable to connect his heart to his grey matter, both parts of himself living in a perpetual state of dissociation. Living had always been on a certain plane of detachment, dragging him higher into the black storm clouds of confusion. Pain was the only real thing that connected both parts together, making him feel healed.

Well, Rey had the same affect on him, but he had an inkling Leia wasn't going to allow her into this room any time soon.

_I'm a thirty-year-old man and my mother still finds a way to punish me for having a temper tantrum._

_Of course._

()()()()()

Poe exhaled while rubbing his face, trying to get the image of Ren slamming his head into a plate of glass out of his thoughts. Beside him, Rey covered her slackened mouth, eyes glued to Ben as he utterly destroyed the private room. The numerous quarters between Kylo and them muffled the devastation, but still, the noise was easily registered without the monitor. Blood covered Ren's face and hands as he beat the wall with bare knuckles, actually making dents in the metal. Poe knew the guy had anger issues, but shit… this bout was all unpolluted rage, something Poe had never seen.

Luke dragged a dazed Leia into the monitoring room, all the while hearing the woman mutter, "Why would he do that? His face..."

Other than the general's soft murmurs, no one knew what to say. Luke was too focused on his sister and Rey couldn't look away from the horrific display on the monitors. Harter was wise to stay back, letting the family deal with their issues, but still kept an eye on Kylo just in case he caused himself severe bodily harm. So maybe it wasn't that they didn't know what to say, and more that everyone was absorbed within their own thoughts.

 _Yeah, that's more accurate_.

Poe's attention went back to the image, watching as Ren finally grew tired and sank to the floor, looking so emotionless it was strikingly disturbing. After all that fury, how could someone's features suddenly turn blank?

The far door slid open, eight Resistance guards filling the room with their bullying stature. There was only one reason for this many guards to enter: they were taking Ren somewhere, and it wasn't for some fresh air.

The reason for the firepower was not lost on the general, who immediately positioned herself between them and the door leading to the medical quarters. "You can't take him. He's still healing," Leia said defensively, her voice now strong and decisive.

"Well, you shouldn't have woken him," the tall, older man stated. Poe recognized the guy, but couldn't place a name to his firm features. "And the council has come to a decision as to what to do with him."

"What?!" Leia's voice rose in disbelief. "I wasn't aware the council was meeting."

"You're the prisoners mother; it was agreed to keep you out of the deliberations," he explained like he was talking to a child. Such blatant disrespect for the general was astonishing, but seeing how she kept the fact that Kylo Ren was her son from everyone but the council, Poe figured people would be pissed. The only gossip going around the base was that piece of knowledge, and no one was happy about it.

The man's stare swept over to the monitor, frowning at the odd image. "What the hell happened to his room? And why is he bleeding?"

Leia ignored the questions. "What has the council decided?"

"The prisoner has the right to hear the sentencing first."

"Sentencing? There hasn't even been a trial!" Poe exclaimed.

The guard ignored Poe's outburst and turned to one of the fellow officers. "Go in there and get him."

"He can't go to the council looking like that!" Rey yelled. Hell, if he walked through the ship with blood all over him, someone was bound to shoot him out of fear. Poe always loved the fact that everyone was free to carry their weapons around, but now, he wished the rules were more rigid.

"It's his own fault for looking the way he does." The man addressed the unmoving guard. "I told you to go in there and get him." From the way the soldier tensed and froze, he was too terrified to go into that room. Which was understandable. Ren appeared like he'd just stepped out of a nightmare where he had ripped people apart with his bare teeth and bathed in their blood. Seriously, that head wound was bleeding _really_ badly.

As the general and Dr. Kalonia argued with the leader, Poe had no idea what to do. From the soldier's tone, he could deduce that Ren's sentence was not of the 'keep breathing' variety.

Poe suddenly became baffled that what Ren had predicted was now coming true: no trial, fast tracked execution, his mother not getting a say in the outcome. It was legal for a military committee to choose the sentencing of a war criminal, but the addendum had never been put into action… until now.

Poe had always been loyal to the New Republic and the Resistance, but he couldn't let something like this happen. He watched the arguing escalate as his brain searched for some sort of loophole to get Ren out of being executed. So far, he was coming up with a whole lot of nothin'.

_How can they decide to kill him without even trying to make a deal? The guy has got to know so many secrets, some of which could help win this war._

Also, and this was a hard fact to admit, Poe did not entirely wish for Ren to die. Once upon a time, sure, he had, but now…. Man, Finn deserved to beat him till he lost consciousness. His feelings were so betraying the person Poe always tried to be.

_Crap._

Quickly, Poe darted behind the general, ignoring the yells that were directed at him. He ran through the main medical facility, making his way to Ren's room and putting in the passcode. Careening into the quarters, he halted, taking in the scenery of red and white and all around madness. The room looked way worse in person, but his eyes settled on the broken man sitting in the middle of the floor.

()()()()()

Being this numb was starting to become a standard emotion among Ren's many.

In the pause, he felt the past and present shift, the man he used to be mixing with the one he currently was. There was no way to comfort the lonely, confused boy he'd been back then, even though he wanted to demand that his mother do so. The Force could make many things happen, but going back in time was not one of them. Ren understood that the laws of the universe could not be swayed.

Poe staggered into the room, breathing hard and looking stunned at all the damage. The pilot took a moment to compose himself before saying, "White is really not your color."

Ren glanced down at the white tunic and trousers, noticing all the blood that now stained the once pure fabric and becoming aware of the stream of red coming from his forehead. Wiping his face, he smeared the viscous liquid over his features and hair, making him appear like he'd dunked his head into a bucket of blood. The flavor of copper lingered on his taste buds as he cleaned his teeth with his tongue. His skull pounded with the concentric pulses of bright white pain, tingling down his spine, coming back to the receptors in his brain.

Bracing his hands on one knee, Ren stood, his feet stinging as they met the floor. As he shifted his weight, bloody footprints marred the glossy finish, meaning there were shards of glass in his skin – but truthfully, what did it matter? His body absorbed the pain in the self-punishing way he intimately treasured.

Inspecting Poe's demeanor, Ren noticed a bruise on the guy's left cheek that stretched under his eye, blackening the skin. He mechanically rubbed his hands on his trousers as he asked, "Who bruised that ugly face of yours?" Ren was impressed by the calm tone of his voice, given how dramatic it had been minutes ago.

Poe gave him a flat stare, but it was contradicted by his thinly amused grin. "Looks like death hasn't changed how much of an asshole you are."

Ren smiled a little at that. And then grew serious. As much as Ren enjoyed their little spouts, he needed to air a request. "I need to speak with Rey."

"I'm sure she'll come in here after she gets over the initial shock of watching you obliterate the room."

Ren's eyes widened _._

Rather than waiting for him to respond, Poe strode past him to the refresher door at the back wall. "You need to clean up. The Resistance council is requesting your presence."

"Ah." Ren closed his eyes and bowed his head for a moment, knowing exactly why the council wanted to see him. "They want to see the look on my face when they tell me I am to be executed. Who cares what I look like then?" he said drily.

"Just get in the refresher, man." Poe's assertiveness over getting clean was unusual, and Ren gave him an odd look as he went into the small washroom. The pilot closed the door behind them, both men's broad bodies taking up most of the space.

"There are no cameras in here, so we can talk freely. Do you have anything you can give the Resistance so you can get out of this?" Poe asked in a rush.

There was a beat of silence as Ren's cerebral cortex processed the man's quick words. First, surveillance really should be placed in washrooms. Prisoners tended to take advantage of such idiocy. Who cares about privacy when there was a war going on? And second: "You mean information?"

"Yes."

Ren sighed, knowing such things were futile. "They're not going to stop my execution, no matter what I say." His brain had fallen into a state of learned helplessness since he realized he had zero control over his fate. It had been a hard lesson to learn – one he had to die for in order to absorb. _Never had a studying session_ that _extreme before…_

"Geez, are you still suicidal?"

Ren stiffened. "Suicidal?"

Poe waved his hand through the air. "Well, you acted that way on Lothal."

Ren's eyes slimmed. "I wasn't trying to purposely die."

"Whatever. The fact is, you did and you didn't have to watch Rey almost kill herself trying to revive you." That sentence stung. "Would you really leave her again?"

Ren's lips thinned out as he spoke through clenched teeth. "I'm not really getting a choice in the matter, which is why I never wanted to come here."

"Maybe you have more of a choice than you think. Just tell them something of importance, something that would force them to give you a deal so you can stay alive. The guards outside are too afraid to come in here, so that might buy you a little time."

Poe was frantic and it was odd to see the man genuinely trying to help him. "Why do you care what happens to me?"

"Because…." Poe paused, looking around the room as if he could find his thoughts written on the pale walls. "Because BB-8 told me about your time with that family and what you did for them. And you saved my droid and kept him safe when you didn't have to. I'm grateful for that." Poe took a deep breath before getting _really_ serious. "Look, I've grown up watching how horrible people can be. This war has devastated the galaxy, and it's been extremely difficult to find hope against an enemy that has unlimited resources. The fact that you, of all people, left the Order has to stand for something. And from what BB-8 said and what I've witnessed, you're actually trying to be a good fucking person. So, if someone as vile as you can actually see the error in his ways, then that gives me hope that not all is lost in this cruel universe."

Ren had given people many things, but hope was certainly never one of them.

Poe went to the cabinets, grabbed a white towel, and pinned it to Ren's chest, making him brace his balance against the sink. The pilot looked him in the eye and said, "Now clean up and think of a way out of this."

Ren felt something blossom in his chest, and this time, it didn't have anything to do with anger.

"Poe?" The pilot stopped before opening the door, glancing over his shoulder. Ren needed to say something since this might be the only opportunity he had to do so. He wasn't good with apologies. Or talking. But he wasn't a coward either. "I'm sorry... for what I did to you on the Finalizer," Ren whispered, too afraid to get more specific, on account of his voice almost breaking.

"We were on opposite sides of a war. I understand why you did what you did." Poe swiftly left, his footsteps drifting further away as each second passed.

 _Damn._ If circumstances were different, Ren could very well see himself becoming friends with that guy.

Ren swiftly went on autopilot as he jumped into the hot shower, healed his wounds, and dried off. In the mirror, his body had acquired new scars, each one having their own story that played through his thoughts. He studied his right palm, the skin no longer showing the familiar lines, but now displaying the thin and wrinkly scar tissue of a healed third-degree burn. Balling the hand into a fist, he felt a minuscule amount of sensation, which was evidence that the nerves had been severely damaged. He slicked his wet hair back with both hands, transferring his attention to getting dressed.

The only spare clothing was what he found in the cabinets – another set of white tunics and pants. But it was either that or walk out of there naked.

Footsteps were approaching the refresher fast and Ren quickly wrapped the towel around his waist when he sensed who it was.

Rey shut herself into the small washroom, gazing at him with fiery eyes and a wound up demeanor. She was clearly mad, probably over the fact that he died and had endured feeling their bond break. Or that he essentially lied to her when he agreed to those ridiculous promises. Or that he had tried to leave her again by refusing to get on the Falcon. Or… well, the list seemed infinite.

So many things Ren wanted to ask and apologize for, but he couldn't stop his bare soles from closing the distance between them. He crushed her against his exposed chest, grabbing her face and bringing her lips to his. It was sloppy and teeth clashing, both pouring two weeks worth of loneliness and heartache into their wandering hands. There was anger behind her passion, making her substantially more attractive than she already was – and didn't that brand him a crass bastard for loving it. Her nails dug into his back, scoring his skin and bringing him somehow closer to her. Plunging his tongue inside, she moaned as he tasted her pleasure and he felt himself harden below.

He dipped to her neck and slowly, inescapably dragged his mouth over her vein, feeling her pulse quicken against his lips. She arched into him, pressing her body into his hips, causing him to growl and pin her against the closed door. The feeling of her on his hands, even though it was only her clothes, was intense, drowning out all other needs that didn't fall under the category of being with her.

Rey's hands slipped down his sides, crawling to his towel, dipping under the soft fabric….

With an unhappy curse, Ren locked his hand on her wrist, relishing in her palm against the part where his leg met his hip. She was so close to touching his masculinity, but if she did, he would never stop till he devoured her. And since time never seemed to be on their side, he needed to confess his feelings before he was taken away.

Ren kissed her softly and lingered the contact as he carefully pulled her curious hand away so his towel didn't fall to the floor. When he pulled back, there was a sizzling moment as their eyes met, their labored breathing mixing into the air. He swallowed. Hard. "As much as I want to keep going, there is something I need to tell you." Rey's languid eyes were starting to focus upon hearing his voice… and from their interaction being cut short. "I know you're mad and I know how much you want to yell at me for being stupid on Lothal, but I need to talk first."

She opened her mouth to protest, but he talked over her, bringing up his palms to gently hold those soft, sun kissed cheeks.

"Remember our first dream together? You accused me of knowing who you were because of what I said before we dueled on Starkiller?" Rey nodded, entranced by how quickly and ardently he spoke, appearing so open and vulnerable. "I had seen you before, but never physically. Ever since I was ten, I've dreamed about you." Rey's eyes widened. "The dreams more than likely started the day you were born and this bond was forged. They always started the same, too. I ran through a forest covered in snow, running till I found you. You were facing away me, so I was never able to properly see you. You would then called my grandfather's lightsaber into your hand, catching it and igniting it."

Her hands dug into his waist and he drew closer to her from feeling the contact. Ren hunched over, their noses almost touching, the fact that he was a flick away from being naked never leaving their minds. "I've had this dream most of my life, but I never saw who you were, not until after everything happened on Starkiller base. By the way the lightsaber flew into your hand and from the surrounding landscape, I knew you were the woman I kept seeing. Everything connected in that moment."

"How–"

"There's more," Ren cut her off, coming closer. If he kept this up, she was going to meld into the door. "I should've told you how I felt in that closet on Lothal, but I got sidetracked and ignored the prompting to do so. As I died, I regretted not taking that chance when I should have. I regretted not getting on the Falcon with you. I have regretted so many things about my life, but I have never regretted knowing that I love you." His thumbs stroked her velvet cheeks, their eyes locked and transported them to a plane of existence where only they remained.

"I love you," Ren's voice cracked as he repeated himself. "You gave me hope in the darkness that I could come back to the light, and while I've been denying it for a long time now, I do feel it inside me. You believed in me, listened to me, saved me. I look at you and see the rest of my life in the way you walk and laugh and live. You speak, and it somehow grounds me. You smile, and I find a purity I never knew existed. Your life is so full of light that I willingly let it draw me in, because being with you... it's like I've found something I lost within myself a long time ago."

Gods, he was getting emotional, but it was too late to turn back now. "My life has been dark, depressing, and so very violent – but amidst the depths of that chaos, there you were. I was lost to you the moment I saw you on Takodana and I would never take that back. I thought of love as a weakness, a fault that would ruin me. But now, I see how much of a lie that was. I know in retrospect, we've only spent a handful of days together, but how I feel about you is so strong, I don't need more time to distinguish the truth."

Other than her large eyes, Rey was stoic, lost in his stare as much as he was lost in hers.

"I don't expect these feelings to be reciprocated." How he wished they would be. "And I will be fine if they never are." No, he wouldn't. "I don't know what will happen when I stand in front of the council." Yes, he did. "So I needed to tell you before –"

Abrupt banging against the door caused Rey to jump into him, his arms quickly encompassing her. "You have a minute to get out of there or we're coming in," a masculine voice proclaimed. The unwanted interruption caused Ren to daydream about ripping the man's throat out, but Rey's soft voice extinguished the urge.

"No…." Rey whispered. Her enduring eyes were quickly replaced with shock. She craned her head up, grabbing his bare shoulders, looking at him wildly. "You need to escape; get off the ship and get far away."

Running his knuckles across the curve of her face, he pointed out the truth. "I'm powerful, Rey, but not that powerful. There are too many guards. I wouldn't get far before they killed me." Rey kept muttering different things he could do, where he could go, how to steal a ship. Her mind was thinking of every possible solution, but him? He was memorizing the way her lips moved, the contours of her round face, the dimples in her cheeks. It surprised him how calm he felt, knowing that he was going to do the death thing all over again. But he knew resistance was futile, and it broke him to see Rey refuse to accept that.

She fell silent as his thumb moved over her red lips. "Listen, whatever happens, you can't intervene. I don't want you to get hurt," Ren said with horrible gentleness.

Her eyes became steely. "If our situations were reversed, you wouldn't try and change the outcome?"

Good point. Very good point.

"Rey –" The door opened, showing a very frustrated officer. The man was taken aback to see a woman and a half naked Ren in the refresher, but quickly composed himself. "You," he pointed at Rey. "Out." Rey grabbed Ren's hand and squeezed, letting go only when she walked too far way to hold on. "Put your clothes on," the officer commanded and shut the door, cutting Rey off from Ren's vision.

Watching her leave had lit his heart on fire and the pain was excruciating, but it was real in a world full of deceit and that had to count for something... now that he was at the end.

()()()()()

Actions blurred together after Rey left, but the longer Ren was escorted through the hallways, the quicker he went from an automaton to being semi-aware, his senses coming alive one minute and checking out the next. The footfalls of the soldiers surrounding him sounded like bombs dropping, the tingling of his legs making him feel like his body would fall in on itself. Every inhale was a typhoon. Every beat of his heart was a punch to the chest. Every gulp was a ball of nails trailing down to his stomach.

Ren kept going in and out, not remembering how he came from one point to another. When the situation came back into focus later, he found himself sitting at the end of a long table, members of the council staring at him with judgmental eyes. His bare feet rested on the cold, metal floor, because why give a soon to be dead man shoes?

He quickly took note that his mother was not in the room. Probably for the best. He didn't need to breakdown at a time like this.

"Kylo Ren." A blonde woman with a sharp face addressed him from the other end of the table. "You are a war criminal who has taken part in countless murders and the destruction of the Hosnian system. The council has deliberated over your fate and has decided to sentence you to death, with you being allowed to choose the method. We are not interested in making any deals with you. The families of the people you murdered deserve justice, and we're going to give them the comfort of knowing you can never hurt another living soul ever again."

Well… there went the possibility of bartering information for his life. Ren refused to cower in face of such a sentence, but his stomach twisted till he could feel the burn of acid in his throat. Shutting down the urge to vomit, he looked the satisfied woman in the eye.

"Why am I here if there is nothing I can do to stop my execution?"

"We wanted to give you the chance to clear your conscience and tell us everything you know about the First Order."

Ren gaped at the audacity of these people. Give information away for free? Hell. No. "I think I'll take my knowledge to the grave, thank you." he sneered.

"I was expecting you to say something like that." _Who the hell is this woman?_ Ren didn't recognize her from any of the Order's intel, but she carried herself like she was important and all the figures in the room followed her lead. He skimmed the top of her thoughts, searching–

Ren stilled.

The memories he found were harrowing and before he could stop himself, his compassion stretched out to this woman – the very woman who fought hard for his execution. He could use these memories against her and show the council that she was unfit to lead them, but his mouth didn't open. Even if he did reveal her secrets, it wasn't going to stop where he was headed.

"When is my execution?" Ren asked with a pale voice.

"We can give you time to say goodbye to your family and then carry out the sentence."

 _Or, I can get it over with right now and take as many of you people with me_.

Ren was not one to wait, and he would prefer his life to end in a flair of violence only he could deliver. While he wouldn't divulge this blonde woman's secrets, he was content with killing her since she was more than willing to end his life. Hopefully his death would be quick, unlike last time. He didn't want Rey to suffer.

Before he could move on his plan, shouting came from outside the room before Luke and Rey rushed inside. "This is a closed meeting," the blonde proclaimed, irritated. "You're not allowed to be here, Master Jedi."

Breathing heavily, Skywalker said, "You don't have the authority to execute him."

"Excuse me? The council has –"

"Before he joined the First Order, Ben was given the title of Jedi Master. By me." That shut the woman up quick. "Under the constitution of the New Republic, in the fourth amendment, it states that all Jedi Masters adhere to the Jedi council for any disciplinary actions, no matter the crime."

A whole lot of confusion spread throughout the room. "No holo-message was given to the Senate stating that Ben Solo was made a Jedi Master."

_What are they doing? This is a waste of time!_

"I must admit, I'm old and am prone to being forgetful, but I do have proof." Skywalker slid a device into the room's operating system in the wall, pulling up a holovid that was split into two screens: on the left was Skywalker, and on the right was Leia. By their familiar aged faces, this was recorded recently.

"This video was taken weeks ago, when my sister and I were able to talk to one another for the first time in six years. There's only one particular part you need to hear, so I won't waste too much of your time," Skywalker said derisively, pushing a red button on the wall.

Ren didn't want to watch, but he couldn't look away.

In the projection, Skywalker rubbed his eyes, looking exhausted as he spoke. "We had a few leads on some Jedi Temples in the Outer Rim Territories, so I brought Ben along to help me search for them. I thought it would be good for him to get away from the academy for a while."

Leia's brows scrunched with confusion. "Why?"

"Ben starts to get restless the longer he's there. I thought some adventure might help get it out of him." Silence ensued, Leia studying her brother as the Jedi inhaled a dragging breath. "I made him a Jedi Master, you know," he muttered.

"You did? He – he was ready for something like that?"

Skywalker nodded solemnly. "As ready as anyone can be. There was really nothing else I could teach him, except ways to regulate his temper, but he seemed to have gotten better at controlling himself. And Leia, I was just so tired of doing it all on my own. I needed help and Ben was the most gifted of my students. So before we left on the journey, I gave him the title." As Luke reflected, a gleam of joy shined in his eyes, almost causing him to smile. "You should have seen his face when I did. He was the happiest I'd seen him in a long time and he–" The video cut out, plunging the room into brash silence.

Ren remembered receiving that new designation, and yeah, he'd been ecstatic to get it. It was the one goal that made him wake up in the morning, go through his training, and endure being ostracized by his peers. Oh, but how he wanted to go back to that moment and slap himself senseless, beat himself to the ground and yell that none of it was worth it.

If he'd known what awaited him in adulthood, he never would have bothered smiling in his youth. Or made pointless goals.

"You can't seriously think we're going to take this video as proof," the woman cut through the troubled atmosphere.

"Look at the time stamp. There was no possible way for me to know how valuable this video would become, so why would I have lied? Ben is under my authority, not yours. And frankly, I'm surprised you've been put at the head of the council after everything that has happened to you, Admiral Trend."

Ren had been watching Trend's anger redden her face, but at hearing what Skywalker just stated, he slowly swept his eyes to the old man.

_He knows, but is he going to reveal it to the council?_

Confused faces looked to the admiral. "What is he talking about?" Statura asked, everyone awaiting an answer.

Skywalker's brows rose, feigning surprise. "She hasn't told you? Her whole family was killed during the destruction of the Hosnian system: her husband, three children, her parents. You're just as biased to this whole situation as my sister, but you weren't going to let anyone know that. Were you?"

Silence... then the room erupted in voices. Trend murderously glared at Skywalker, ignoring the stream of questions. Ren glanced between the two, flabbergasted that the Jedi Master revealed the very information he'd chosen not to. And they call him heartless? Skywalker didn't even look conflicted.

"Rey, take Ben out of the room." Skywalker's command intermixed with the swirling arguments. "I'll meet with you two later." But Rey didn't have to go far as Ben darted out of the chair, very keen on getting the hell out of the hostile meeting. If his only chance to stay alive was to adhere to Skywalker's help, then he would take it. Pride be damned… for now.

"Congratulations, _Ben_ ," Trend spat as Ren paused before leaving, staring over his shoulder. The room quieted to a low hum, whispers filling the background noise. Rey grabbed his arm, attempting to get him out of there, but his ears wanted to hear what the woman had to say. "You get to go on with your life, never receiving official punishment for what you've done. While you roam free, your victims lay rotting in the ground, never to see their families again. I hope their faces haunt you for the rest of your sinful life."

 _Don't worry_ , he inwardly said as he let Rey pull him into the hall. _They will._


	36. Just Alone

Rey pulled Ben by the arm into the hallway, dragging him out of the meeting before hearing anything more from Trend. His feet slapped against the sleek ground, a stark contrast to the thud of her boots, which were in sync with the beating of her thundering heart. By the way Ben relented to Rey leading and how colorless his lips had become, she surmised that he was going into shock.

Rey didn't realize she was taking them to her temporary quarters till they were halfway there, but that was the only private place she knew of. On the way, every single person stopped and stared, some flattening against the wall and others running back to where they came from. No one knew what Kylo Ren looked like, but they must have noticed the scar on his face.

How would they even know about that?

 _The guards and medical staff must have told people,_ Rey surmised in her head.

Whatever, it didn't matter that everyone at the Resistance recognized Ben. He was staying and would remain alive, they would just have to get used to it.

When they entered her room, Ben darted straight for the refresher and starting dry heaving into the toilet. The rations he ate before being escorted to the council was barely a morsel of food, so there was no substance for his stomach to expel. But the use of the commode was more out of reflex than actual convenience.

Rey moistened a hand towel and squeezed down between him and the shower, placing the cold relief on his neck and tucking his hair behind his ears. Patiently, she watched his shoulders and back roll with every lurch, his knuckles whiten from his tight grip on the bowl, and his eyes shut firmly from the reality of what he was doing. Rey rubbed his broad back, giving him the only comfort she could think of in a moment like this.

His gags and gasps were hard to withstand, but Rey wasn't going to leave him. Gradually, the retching ended and Ben sat back against the wall, eyes closed, breathing deeply through his slim and still pale lips. Rey went to her feet and grabbed the canteen from her bed, filled it with cool water and handed it to him. She didn't expect him to take it, but he gulped the frigid liquid as they both resettled to their previous positions.

Rey slid the cloth from his neck and tenderly wiped the sweat from his face.

For a fleeting second, Rey wondered if this was what it was like to be a mother: comforting your child while sick, worrying about their every waking moment, fearful that someone would take them away from you. Guess she won't know till she became one.

_If I become one._

Not a bone in her body was coded for acting motherly, given how she never had parents to learn the nurturing skill from. Besides, her uterus was probably a barren bag of dust, incapable of creating tiny humans. When was the last time she had her period? A year ago? And she could see Ben never wanting to have children –

_Okay, slooooooooow down there, Rey. You don't even know what's going on between the two of you. You should focus on getting through the next few months with him… or, like, the next ten minutes._

_Why the hell are you thinkin' of babies? Focus!_

As Rey's inner dialogue flipped and tumbled through her thoughts, it all suddenly halted as Ben grabbed her wrist, stopping her from washing his cheek. Opening his dark eyes, it was impossible not to be sucked into their gentle current.

Removing the cloth from her hold and placing her palm over his heart, he hoarsely said, "I'm sorry." Rey knew he wasn't apologizing for the show he had put on a minute ago. By now, they were more than comfortable with revealing their vulnerabilities and weaknesses to each other.

"Why didn't you try to escape?" she whispered. "You knew what would happen to me if you died."

His exhale was the evidence of his exhaustion. "What would you have had me do? Rey, there were soldiers everywhere, I was without my saber, and I'm exhausted. If I tried to get out, I would've been killed."

"So… it wasn't that you wanted to die, right?" A shot of anxiety quaked along every nerve in her body, an aftershock to this whole traumatic experience. If Ben wanted to die… how would she even bring him back from that?

"You're the second person to think I'm suicidal," he muttered. "No, I don't want to die." He didn't sound very convincing. "But you must know... I deserve it."

Her heart rocketed into her throat. "Ben–"

"I saw them," he said abruptly, his eyes filling with sheens of agony never before seen. Especially from him. "Right before I died."

In a breathless voice, she asked, "Who?"

Ben's furrowed brows lowered, shadowing his eyes. "The faces of all those I've killed… the ones who were innocent," he deeply whispered. "I do deserve to die for what I've done, but I'm too much of a coward to offer them justice."

He rubbed his eyes with his free hand before continuing. "Their faces are there every time I close my eyes, every time I blink. They're reminding me…" his voice tapered off.

Rey waited, but the seconds that ticked by proved Ben was getting lost in his head and she wanted to keep him in the present. "Reminding you?" she vocally nudged.

His pupils focused back on her. "Of who I am."

"Were," she corrected him as she scooted closer, feeling his life beat on her open palm. "Who you once _were_."

He squeezed her hand. "I'm still very much the person I was before." Rey shook her head vehemently, but stopped when he brushed his fingers down her cheek and across her jaw. "You need to accept that, or we're going to have a very difficult time moving forward from here."

_No._

"No. You're Ben. You're not that monster anymore." Rey knew how cruel and violent he could be, but that was all from Snoke's doing. That creature made the demon that coiled around his heart.

Ben stroked her hair, running his fingers through her half loose waves and tucking them behind her ear. Then he kept his eyes locked with hers, letting the pause fill the lull. His brows rose up and dropped down, as if he was thinking something over in his mind. Or having an epiphany. Slowly, he said, "I think I'm both those people. I'm starting to see that now."

Rey still refused to believe that, and even though Ben's touch was extremely distracting, she firmly held onto her convictions.

Rey's eyes were like two marbles in a big glass jar, darting across his ashen features quickly. "You can get rid of the darkness within you–"

"I can't," he said as he lowered his hand.

His response rattled her. "I'm gonna prove you wrong."

Sadly, he smiled. "I really hope you do… and I want you to know," he went on as his lips evened out in color, "I would never hurt you. I know you saw what I did in the med room, and I would never get that way with you. Ever. When I say I love you, it means all of me does. Not just the good, but the bad as well."

That proclamation rocked through her, shooting up into her heart and muddling it from fully processing her own feelings. Rey had been so adamant on trying to keep Ben off her mind the last two weeks that she never delved into her own flurry of emotions. Clearly, he had done the opposite.

What is love, anyway? She had never experienced such a foreign concept.

Ben sensed her apprehension and stared at her apologetically. "I'm sorry… I made you uncomfortable."

"No, no I'm fine. It's just… I… am not sure about my feelings… for you." Ben showed no hint of being shocked. Actually, it seemed like he had expected her to confess as much.

He gave her hand a squeeze. "It's okay, Rey. Really. As I said in the med bay, I don't expect anything from you, and I don't want you to feel like I've placed you in an awkward position."

"I think I just need time to figure everything out."

"Take as much time as you need."

She gathered her inner confidence before revealing her desires. "But… I still like the things we do." Indeed, she _really_ did. That was one thing she hoped didn't change.

His head tilted slightly. "The things we do?"

"You know what I mean."

A coy smile played on his lips. "I'm afraid I don't, and you're being rather vague. You should know that I'm the type of man that requires specifics… or an example."

Rey's eyes narrowed. "You've always been good at picking up undertones."

Ren shrugged innocently, the wide grin stretching further across his cheeks. "The skill has evaded me recently."

"How recently?"

"Twenty seconds ago."

Rey studied the features that had been softened by his infectious smile. There was no vile demon behind his stare, no taut muscles in his face, and the constant strain in his neck had vanished. All of this was temporary, of course, which struck Rey as a tragedy. This was Ben, the man before he'd been enslaved by Snoke.

Why can't he just stay that way?

Ben frowned, noticing the odd way Rey scrutinized his face. "Or you can yell at me, if that is what you prefer."

Rey blinked. "What?"

"You're mad at me for everything that has happened," he reminded her. "I was just teasing about needing an example. If you want to yell–"

"I don't want to yell at you."

"You sure about that? I'm quite accustomed to it, so it's fine."

"I would like for us to have the type of relationship where we don't yell at each other. But I'll probably give you a stern lecture later… after I get over being elated that you're alive."

"Of course," he whispered while he bowed his head slightly, as if he were giving her permission to do as she pleased.

"Soooo…" Ben drawled. "Relationship?"

Heat bloomed on Rey's cheeks. "Yeah. We're friends, aren't we?"

"Yes… but friends don't usually kiss each other."

 _No, no they do not._ Rey could've lived under a rock her whole life and she still would have known that little fact.

She focused on Ben's thumb that was gently caressing the top of her hand. The more she gave into the feeling and watched, the more her cells started to vibrate with a need that was frighteningly comfortable.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

"Your hand…"

He glanced at the hand that held hers, briefly pausing his thumb before continuing the stroking with a new purpose. The touch was firmer and glided over a wider width of her skin, burning the sensation into her brain. Ben clasped her small hand between both of his, bringing her palm up to his mouth and rubbing his lips against the sensitive skin while closing his eyes to drink in the experience.

Rey stopped breathing.

"In that council room," he whispered, the heat of his breath draping over her palm, "I thought how I'd never get to do this to you." Snapping his eyes open, his stare drilled into her. "Do you like what I'm doing?" His voice was husky, deep, dangerous… but not the kind you ran from. It was the kind that held you captive, filling its will into your heart till you were saturated with the same mesmerizing desires.

Ben's stare was animalistic, like he wanted to devour every parcel of her body, and Rey was more than willing to give him absolute reign over her being.

She swallowed, realizing that she had produced so much saliva that she was close to drooling. There were no memories to compare this moment to, because Ben was the first man to ever touch her in such a sensual way. Her body was responding in ways that were foreign: blood warming as she sat still, skin flushing without being in the sun, heart hammering from no exertion and… a slick sensation forming between her legs.

"You should stop doing that," she whispered weakly and with zero conviction.

A deep laugh rumbled from his chest as he looked at her from under his brows, an evil little smile on his face. "Why?"

"You know what it does to me." Her breathing hitched as he pulled her closer, his lips sliding up the inside of her forearm. The two held eyes. Some unknown elixir made his luminous, casting her with a spell of need.

"Do I know?"

He moved a hand to her upper thigh, brushing at her capris with his forefinger, as if tantalizing her with a simple touch. But then he spread his wide palm open, moving up and down from knee to hip. Lips on her arm, hand on her thigh, she couldn't think straight or even remember how to spell her name. Through his light petting, her core started to sing, the pleasurable music harmonizing into her skull and down each of her nerves.

Ben's lips turned up in amusement while his predatory eyes roamed down to her heaving chest. All sense of formality aside, he let his desire show through his craving stare. Her immediate reaction was to cover her chest, even though it was already covered in two layers of her usual grey tunic and chest wrap. Every time a man stared at anything but her face, their lust showed in the way their lips curled and their eyes glazed over and it always made her stomach churn in distress. Ben had a similar expression, but what was mixed with his yearning gaze was something no other man had: adoration and patience. He wanted her, yes, but he didn't make any inappropriate moves on her body.

To let him touch certain parts of her, she would have to make herself vulnerable. Did she want to do that with him? "You – you can touch me there… if you want," she breathed, answering her inner question by letting her mouth do the thinking.

Ben froze, halting his light petting and looking at her with wide eyes and a lazy jaw. She blushed deeply, mortified that she had actually said that out loud.

_What was I thinking? I never should have –_

Ben's spine snapped straight and an indecipherable expression came over his face. Actually no, that wasn't an expression. It was a mask. He'd gone back into hiding within himself, not letting a flicker of emotion splay across his features. Though his eyes seemed to have a hint of anger in them, she couldn't be sure.

"What –"

"Ben!" Luke's voice billowed through the room.

_Oh._

Rey cleared her throat before replying to the closed refresher door. "We'll be out in a minute!" She half expected Luke to barrel into the small wash room, but he didn't. No, partaking in such dramatics was not how the Jedi Master preferred to handle situations. He would wait patiently out in the quarters, inconspicuously conveying to her how opposite nephew and uncle actually were.

Rey abruptly stood as Ben let her go and followed her lead. Her cheeks flushed again when she recalled what had happened moments before.

"Rey," Ben whispered as he neared her.

"Just forget it," she muttered harshly, moving toward the sink so she was out of his reach – which was impossible since the refresher was so damn small. Before he grabbed her arm, she flew for the exit, evading any further entanglements that compromised her rationality.

On the way out, she tripped and caught her balance quickly, the humiliation seizing even her basic motor functions. The little tumble would have usually bothered her, but whatever, she'd lost her mind so her pride was hardly a concern at the moment.

It was remarkable that embarrassment was a lot like the cold air of Carlac: You felt it down to your bones, it gave you the chills, and made you want to cough so your throat didn't seem as constricted. Oh, and it flushed your cheeks; couldn't forget that one.

Luke waited in the middle of the room, his eyes tight as he witnessed Rey darting into the confined space while Ben languidly stopped behind her. The last thing she wanted to deal with were questions about the two of them, so she started the conversation before the Jedi Master got the chance. "That meeting went quicker than expected."

"There were some who wanted to give Ben a deal in exchange for his life, so most of the terms of his stay had been written down already. If they want to add anything else, they'll contact me, but I agreed with everything that was requested."

"What did they say?" Rey asked.

With shrewd eyes, Luke's studious expression bounced between Rey and Ben. After a moment of pause, he took in a long breath. "The Force is different between you two. When did the bond form?"

Rey's heart leaped in her throat, cutting off precious air supply. _Is the connection that obvious?_

"When she was born," Ben deeply responded and Rey could only imagine the face that went with that bottomless voice. She would've turned to see, but her torso was frozen.

Luke winced. "That's not possible."

"Well you can take it up with the entity living within her."

_Oh no…_

Luke was beyond the point of shock and now in the realm of being absolutely speechless. He didn't move, didn't twitch, and maybe was still breathing, but it was hard to tell since he was wrapped in multiple layers.

Rey was still respiring, though. And hard.

_Ben doesn't even like talking to his family and now is the time he chooses to answer one of their questions?!_

"What? You don't know?" Ben stepped to her side, looming over her frame so he could catch her attention. "You didn't tell him?" he asked her with a trickle heat.

_He cannot seriously be mad at me!_

"You need to explain what's going on here, Rey," Luke demanded with authority. Both men's eyes bore into her, making her feel like she was going to combust into a great ball of flame and incinerate out of existence.

"Okay," she raised her hands defensively, taking a step back from the expecting men. Taking a deep breath, she made a plan that they were gonna have to accept, because she did not want to repeat this story a hundred times. "I'd rather explain everything when everyone is together, though."

"Fine," Luke immediately responded. "We'll meet in Leia's office aboard this cruiser in two hours. But I want the whole truth, Rey. Not just what you deem important."

Rey swallowed. "I know, I know. I swear, I'll tell you everything."

Luke studied her before nodding. "Now, I need to speak with Ben. Alone."

Her head shot up to glance at Ben, but all she received was his temple protruding profile. He was eyeing his uncle and not even hiding the disdain seeping out of his features. She was about to protest, but Luke interrupted her with another order to leave and meet at his sister's office.

Carefully, she walked to the entryway as if there were unknown pressure points in the floor that would explode from her leery steps. Before leaving, she looked back, catching the harsh gaze of Ben's eyes. They softened slightly as they locked onto hers. She curtly nodded, silently imploring him not to do anything that fell into the parameters of being violent… and that included his words.

Out in the hallway, she headed for the comms center of the ship. She needed to focus on contacting Finn and somehow convincing him to come up here.

()()()()()

Luke scrutinized the man before him, breathing in the deadly air that swirled around the stranger. Ben's face was cast-iron tight, his body even tighter as he crossed his thick arms over his chest. Cruelty was etched into his eyes, a type of cruelty that was not bound by conscience or a sense of grace, but rode on lamentations of dark deeds. Those eyes have watched as countless beings were tortured and killed… they watched as Han Solo died.

This was not his nephew.

Physically, the man had packed on at least seventy pounds of muscle since the last time Luke had seen him, giving him an appearance of strength and intimidation. The face was wrong as well, but it wasn't because of the scar. The glower was something that seemed permanent, like the man hadn't experienced a lick of happiness throughout his whole life.

But there had been happy times. There had been moments where Ben had smiled. Even when things had been... complicated.

Ben, as Luke remembered him, had been an awkward kid while growing up at the academy. He never tried to fit in with the other students, instead content with being a loner. The only reason they respected him later on was because his power grew with age. People feared what they couldn't fight.

Anger crept into Luke's emotional grid, trying to poison him into doing something foolish, but the feeling diffused into the self-control that clothed him. "You look different," Luke stated.

Ben arched a brow, but kept his demeanor the same. "A scar across the face would do that," he replied coolly, like he wasn't mad it was there.

"The people who came to Carlac on my ship... are they alright?" Ben asked, his hard eyes melting minutely.

"They're fine. They're situated on the base below. I believe the mother and daughter are trying to find a place to stay that isn't in the middle of a war."

Ben nodded as he heard the news, but he kept his face complacent. "Who on the council didn't want me dead?" 

"Why do you want to know? Are you going to convey to them your gratitude?"

Ben just stared. Luke scrutinized his lifeless face, remembering the smile he used to see on his nephews lips. Tried to envision it on his cold features.

He couldn't.

"I didn't think so," Luke added. "If you want to stay on base, there are conditions that need to be met. The first being that after the meeting today, you will undergo a psych evaluation."

"No."

"It's non-negotiable. And you're going to answer every question honestly and show the doctor respect."

"And if I don't pass?"

"You won't be allowed on base and must stay up here." Ben's eyes pinched. Luke continued. "After the evaluation, I'll take you to the med bay where a tracking chip will be placed in your arm. If you leave the cruiser unauthorized or go three miles outside of the base, the chip will release a drug into your bloodstream that will paralyze you."

"Not kill me?"

"Unless you try to hurt another person, you're not to be harmed. I made that explicitly clear. Rey and I are responsible for you while you are here. If you do anything illegal, we will be held accountable right along with you."

"Rey has nothing to do with this," Ben said sharply.

"Because she's my apprentice, they don't see it that way."

Ben was breathing heavier now, but still had a leash on his temper.

"Next, you'll give the council all the information you know about the First Order. All of it. Whatever they want from you, you will do it. If any of the council members or your mother gives you a command, you follow it."

"She isn't–"

Luke waved his hand through the air. "You want to pretend she isn't your mother? Fine, but you'll show her the respect her rank demands. If she orders you to do something, you follow through."

"I'm not a child."

"Really? Adults have more control over their emotions than what you exhibited in that medical room. You are a child, Ben. You are a child living among men, and it's about time you grow up and realize no one has a perfect upbringing."

Ben's right eye twitched, but he remained still. "You ever think if you didn't stay on that rock for six years, maybe the Resistance would be fairing a lot better than it is now?"

Luke sighed indignantly. "You always did have a sharp mouth and keen intelligence, but we both know you're just trying to hide the fact that you're an empty shell of a person now. In the end, that's all the Dark side will give you: nothing. And with nothing, your soul has starved and died."

Annoyed didn't even begin to describe Ben's expression, but Luke had him by the short hairs, and his nephew knew it.

Luke wasn't bothered in the slightest as he carried on. "When this war ends and if we are both alive, I will enact upon you a punishment befitting of your crimes."

Ben's brows shot up. "You going to kill me? That's not the Jedi way," he mocked.

"You throw my ideals in my face like it's a cage restricting my choices. But between you and me, who's the one imprisoned here? Do not think for a moment you are a free man."

As the silence drifted on, Luke knew Ben was entertaining all the different ways he could kill him. It was apparent behind the hostile stare that didn't relent.

What Luke needed to say next was sure to make his nephew more enraged, but Luke had zero propriety when it came to this boy. "Whatever is going on between you and Rey needs to stop."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. It's not healthy for her to grow close to you."

"This bond makes your request impossible."

Luke tilted his head as he lectured Ben as if he were a student at the academy again. "You think you're the first Force user to have a connection with someone else? You're not. Those people didn't let the bond get too deep and they certainly kept their personal feelings out of it."

"Personal feelings?"

"It's obvious Rey cares for you, and she shouldn't. We both know what kind of person you are. You slaughtered the students at the academy – your own peers. Do you know how old the youngest student was?" Ben trembled with fury, his lips thinning into a line. "Yeah, you do, don't you? How old was she? I'm not leaving this room till I hear you say it."

"Seven," Ben's voice cracked.

In a haughty voice that was not going to play well, Luke said, "Seven. Years. Old." He stepped closer to his nephew, craning is head back to meet him in the eye. "Did it empower you to kill a child? Or did you find that satisfaction when you murdered Han?" A lick of anger went off in his mind like a match strike, telling him to punish Ben for all his wrongdoings in the most violent manner possible. But instead, Luke turned and walked to the exit, breathing deeply as if he could expel such aggressive feelings and thoughts.

Ben was red in the face, raw hatred coloring his demeanor and making every muscle in his body twitch with the promise of retaliation. If his nephew became anymore enraged, he would have to be peeled off the ceiling.

Shame flooded Luke's tenacity, alarming him that he'd let his emotions dictate his words. He never should've said those things to his nephew, not because it made Ben angry, but because it made Luke want to seek vengeance for his deceased students… and his dead friend.

But unlike an animal, Luke could control his physical actions.

"Stay here until I can find someone to escort you to Leia's office." And then Luke was in the hallway, his feet taking him somewhere he didn't even know.

_How am I going to find someone who's willing to escort Ben around the cruiser or the base?_

The answer was easy and one he didn't like: Rey was the only person who would want to do it.

Actually, she might not be the only one. Commander Dameron seemed comfortable around his nephew, so maybe he could get the pilot to help.

Rey and Ben's time together needed to be monitored and cut in half. Ben could very well corrupt the girl and Luke was not going to let that happen.

()()()()()

Ren sat on the sofa, slouched slightly with his arms crossed and his boots firmly planted on the floor. Poe had brought him some of his clothes from his light freighter, giving him a black long sleeve shirt and trousers, his usual gettup as of late. All of his battle attire had been confiscated, but it wasn't like he was about to walk around this place wearing those robes. Luckily, his boots were still on the Falcon and were now comfortably on his soles. His feet had always been abnormally large, so finding a pair of shoes that fit perfectly had always been a challenge.

Ren wiggled his toes, letting himself revel in something that felt familiar.

If his lightsaber hadn't been lost, he would be feeling like his old self again.

Well, maybe.

 _Like they would let you carry_ that _around._

Glancing to the side, Poe was sitting on the floor by the door, parts of the blaster rifle circling him like a protective barrier. The pilot was cleaning his weapon and inspecting the metal fragments closely. Ren had initially been surprised that Poe had brought a cleaning kit to the meeting, but the shock had quickly turned to envy when Ren started to become anxious and wished he had something to occupy his time. Instead of just sitting there.

Waiting.

Skywalker sat on the sofa across from him, eyes closed and appearing to be asleep. More than likely the Jedi didn't want to be reminded that Ren was in the room.

Leia was next to her twin, and even though Ren made a valiant effort not to look at her, his eyes disobeyed him every time he glanced in her direction. He always found her staring at him. He could feel her retina's on him now, watching as he pretended to be enthralled by Poe's monotonous task. She was probably waiting to see if he would go on another psychotic rampage that would leave him and the room bloody.

Rey's incessant pacing from behind didn't calm his nerves any. Finn was fifteen minutes late and he could feel her anxiety at the prospect of him not showing up. Groaning internally, Ren just wanted to know what Rey was keeping from him. He tried to get it out of her as she escorted him to the office, but she wouldn't say much. All she alluded to was that it heavily involved him, which reaffirmed that there was way more going on than he initially thought.

Plus, she was still mad at him for the events in the refresher. Although, he wasn't exactly sure why. Did she regret the offer she gave him? Honestly, his brain had shut off when she gave him permission to touch her in such a private area. Then she snapped at him and left, leaving him confused.

Ren had no previous training when it came to women and now he kind of wished he did.

He sighed as his thoughts drifted to what came after the refresher incident. So many demands that had to be met for him to stay here: A tracking chip in his arm. Keep his temper under control. Undergo a psych eval. He could only imagine the questions that were going to be asked.

Today was going to be a long day, especially since a couple hours ago he'd been dealt a death sentence, was saved at the last minute, and nearly passed out in the refresher from the realization he was going to live. Gods, he was exhausted and running on the fumes of the few rations he'd been able to scarf down.

Ren tried preoccupying his mind with the feeling of his lips against Rey's palm… the softness of her skin in his hands… the flush that blossomed on her cheeks. She was usually a focal point in helping him to calm down, but right now, it wasn't working. Too many people were in this room, people that made him tight in the head.

He speculated on what Rey was going to reveal soon, but didn't get very far as his muscles tingled with a pretense of foreboding.

A click in his mind was trying to tell him that he was headed for a collision of some kind, but the wall was in the form of knowledge and the aftermath was going to be based on how he handled whatever news he heard in the next twenty minutes. Was he going to ram himself into this metaphorical obstacle or lay softly against the hard edges? The bitter darkness within was always waiting to wreak havoc, but he wasn't going to allow it because Rey was here.

And besides, whatever she said couldn't possibly be that bad.

Right?

"He isn't coming, Rey," Ren breathed out, fighting against the urge to claw at his own skin. She needed to calm down or she was going to cause him to have an anxiety attack.

Clenching his fists tight, Ren lost himself to the stinging pain of his fingernails puncturing his skin, permitting him some relief from Rey's emotions. Having both sides of the bond closed was basically useless, given how he could feel her so easily at the moment.

Rey kept up the pacing, wearing the metal with the soles of her boots. "I just want to wait a little longer," she responded.

 _Well, I just want to get this meeting over with_ , he hotly thought.

Ren's frustration wasn't pointed at Rey, but at the trooper for abandoning her and skipping out on this lovely get together. He hated the guy, but he knew the revocation of his friendship with Rey was hurting her deeply, which made Ren feel protective and aggressive all at the same time.

The door slid open and Finn strode in, his eyes immediately locking onto Ren's, both shooting each other a short-stacked glare. "Finn," Rey said as she tried to touch his shoulder. He brushed her off, moving behind the general and Skywalker, leaning against the wall without saying a word. Rey composed herself quickly, but Ren felt the sting that came with the denied contact.

Dammit, he wanted to yell at that trooper to apologize and be Rey's friend again, even though Ren wanted nothing to do with the bastard.

"Okay," Rey muttered as she sat next to Ren. "Well... thanks for all of you being willing to be here and to wait for me to explain... everything, I guess. I know you all have questions and I wanted everyone in the same room so I can air everything out in one go. I, uh, don't know where to start, exactly… so guess I'll just start at the beginning."

No one interrupted; they were all too enthralled with the tale Rey was weaving. Snoke being thousands of years old? Having a twin sister he murdered? And the sister being the entity attached to Rey? It was A LOT to take in, and if Ren's mind could actually form a question, he was sure he would ask it.

"You didn't know this about Snoke?" Skywalker pegged the question at Ren when Rey was finished.

"No."

"Don't lie."

Ren almost growled in response. "I'm not. Supreme Leader didn't tell me everything, so this is all news to me as well."

"Supreme Leader?" Leia said, repulsed.

Ren ran his scarred hand through his hair roughly, making a note to somehow get some gloves later. "Snoke, whatever. Who cares what he's called."

"He isn't to be called Supreme Leader," Leia squared off at him.

"Fine. I shall endeavor to rewire my brain so I don't have a slip up. Satisfied?"

His shortness with Leia turned awkward since no one knew what to say next. But you could always count on Skywalker to swoop in and save the day – or meeting, as it were.

"So, Kayani wants you to find Snoke through Ben so she can kill him," Luke reaffirmed, leaning onto his knees and studying Rey intently. They all composed themselves rather quickly, all seeming eager to get back to relevant issues.

"Yes."

"No," Ren interjected, locking onto Rey. "This is–it's ridiculous. No. You're not getting anywhere near Snoke."

Luke eyed him. "If Kayani can kill him–"

Finn cut in. "And you all are just going to take the word of a dead girl no one has ever heard of?"

Dammit, Ren agreed.

Rey shook her head. "She isn't lying, Finn. I told you, I can feel her telling the truth."

"Wait," Ren held up his hands and pointed at the trooper. "He knows about Kayani?"

"I told him after I found out," Rey muttered. Finn smiled slightly, taunting Ren… and it was working.

"When does Kayani want you to find Snoke?" Poe asked, now standing in his designated corner.

Ren swiped his hand through the air, his aggravation pouring out of his voice. "She's not going to find Snoke. Are you people insane? None of you seem to realize how powerful he is."

"You do," Skywalker pointed out.

"Yeah, I do," Ren sharply agreed. "He will kill her. _Kill. Her._ "

"If you and I are there with her, maybe she'll have a chance."

Maybe.

Luke wanted to bet Rey's life on a maybe? Ren stared at the man, dumbfounded at the absurd suggestion. _Has Skywalker fucking lost it? Is this what they teach these morons at the Resistance? To fight a battle they can't win?_

"Ben can't be anywhere near Snoke. He can't come with me," Rey stated loudly in the beginning, but her voice became a whisper by the end.

Ren shot her a confused look, and he wasn't the only one. His brows knit so tightly together that his forehead twitched. "What are you talking about? If anyone went with you, it should be me."

Rey cleared her throat, looking down at the floor. "I... Well, there's more to the story that I haven't told any of you." She inhaled, then continued without pausing, like she was a locomotive with no brakes. "Apparently, Snoke has been alive this long because he somehow… transfers his essence into another person's body. The main reason he's been taking apprentices is to make them strong enough in the Force so the transfer can be successful. And before any of you ask, no, he can't just take a random body; the person has to have great power for it to work. None of the vessels last long and Kayani thinks it's because both sides of the Force are not prevalent within the hosts."

Rey met Leia's eyes, feeling more comfortable with explaining it to her rather than Ren. "Snoke has known about Ben before he was even born; he sensed how strong he could be in both the light and the dark. I think having been born of the Light side, but knowing the Dark, he became the perfect option. He used Ben's power to help build up the First Order and get him prepared for…" Rey's voice trailed off, but they all knew what she was alluding to.

The stretch of silence that followed was as long as a Super Star Destroyer.

Ren rarely had out of body experiences, and this was definitely one worthy of being added to that short list. His lids didn't blink as he looked at Rey like he'd never seen her before. Gradually, she turned to him, her eyes pained with what she had revealed. Everyone – EVE-RY-ONE – was staring at him, wondering how he would take the news that he, in fact, _had_ been used the whole time.

Somehow turning invisible was exactly the kind of balm he needed at the moment.

Of all the thoughts billowing in his mind, one screamed louder than the others: it was all a lie. Snoke had cunningly preyed on Ren's need to fulfill his grandfather's destiny. To have a purpose. Ren had been an animal in a cage, being fed till he was plump and fat and ready to be slaughtered when the time was perfect.

His father had been right: he'd be used till Snoke got what he wanted and then be crushed in the end.

Part of Ren had known he was being expended, but he always thought it would be worth it, as long as he was able to use Snoke's training to become stronger and delve deeper into the darkness. Now… it had all been for nothing. All the people he murdered, the vile things he had said, the lengths he stretched to be on the Dark side – it was all meaningless now.

Meaningless.

Skywalker was right. Beneath the power and the conviction, he'd been left with nothing, because the Dark side only took, it never gave.

To believe wholeheartedly in a lie was the ultimate show of weakness and now everyone knew him for what he was: a weak man that was ruined by his own choices.

Ren's glossy eyes snapped to his mother. She was covering her mouth and fighting back tears, but she didn't look away. The expression on his face was one of vulnerability, a child lost and quietly imploring this woman to help him find his way. But he took too much from her to deserve such assistance. Because of him, she lost the man she loved and the only child she ever had.

And… shit, the hate he carried for her was still there, still festering beneath the surface, beating him into disfigurement.

"Did you know about this?" Skywalker asked softly.

Ren tensed and glanced at the Jedi. "What the fuck do you think?"

They all took that as a no.

"Okay…. Guess that means we need to keep Ren out of First Order hands," Poe pointed out. "More than likely, they all think he's dead, so that can work to our advantage."

"Everyone here knows he's alive," Finn countered, rubbing his hand back and forth on his skull trim. "Word will travel to the First Order and spread through their ranks quickly, if it hasn't already."

Oh, the First Order knew. Ren could still feel the weak bond he had with his master. Unfortunate how that stain didn't leave when he died. It was almost like fate left it there on purpose, mocking him for how deplorable he let his life become.

"The First Order will find out soon, anyway," Luke said while stroking his beard. "The council is going to make it public that Kylo Ren has defected and joined the Resistance. They were wanting to use him in some new propaganda."

 _That_ plan shouldn't have surprised Ren as much as it did, but apparently his brain matter wasn't as sharp as it used to be. He should've known he'd be used as a pawn since apparently that was all he was good for. Trying to find a loophole out of the obligation, he reviewed what kind of options he had.

Which were, like… none.

Hauntingly, his childhood dream of being a physician and leading a simple life came to mind, which tore at him even more. "I'm still here, you know," Ren grumbled. "No reason to talk around me."

"Don't like being ignored?" Finn asked. Ren glared at the breathing piece of bantha fodder.

"Did you ever read anything on Ahch-To that spoke of Snoke or Kayani?" Rey asked the Jedi Master, ignoring the little row.

"Not that I can recall, but there were books I didn't get to reading. There could be something in the temple…"

Ren zoned out for the remainder of the discussion, even when the conversation circled back to him. Probably would've been a good idea to offer up his own opinion on the whole somebody-wants-to-steal-your-body revelation, but his neurons weren't functioning properly. He felt as if he were floating, his body adrift, his head somewhere other than on his broad shoulders. Could be he was still not at full strength and that was what caused the commotion in his brain. Or it could be the fact that his whole life had zero value.

_What a waste to have even been born._

The weird part to all of this was how numb Ren had become. No anger. No lashing out. No yelling. He had chosen the life he led. He had volunteered for all of it. He had always been a passenger, subject to the driver's impulses as to speed and destination. Why try to fight for control when he never had any? Giving in was just expedient and less tiresome in the long run.

Tired.

He was so very tired of all the fighting, and it was out of his nature to let go of his pride completely, but here he was, considering it. His intellect was no longer a ruler of the realm, but a subject. Emotions were all that flowed in his veins.

"Ben?" Skywalker asked, and from all the studious stares, Ren deduced the Jedi had been trying to get his attention for a while.

"What?" Ren countered with none of his usual zeal.

Skywalker frowned. "Your evaluation is in ten minutes. Poe's going to take you."

"I can take him," Rey stated as Finn moved for the exit. She popped up from the sofa, eyeing her friend. "Where are you going?"

Finn shrugged. "The meeting seems to be over, unless there's something else that needs to be added?" The silence was dense. "I need to get back to the ESC."

 _Ah, yes, the stormtrooper club. Gotta stay away from_ that _group._

The man left and Rey listed forward before glancing at Ren, like she was trying to decide whether to go after the trooper or stay with him.

"Go. I'll be fine," Ren told her. Rey darted out of the office, calling out for her friend.

"I don't know if it's a good idea for Ren to get the evaluation after everything that just came out," Poe said with caution, obviously noticing Ren's despondency.

"I'm fine," Ren repeated evenly. Interesting how Poe was the only person in the room who appeared to care about his mental state. But that was how it always went with his family, now didn't it. They never really showed that they cared.

 _To be fair, it's not like you ever gave them your affection,_ a voice argued in his head, making an apt point.

Ren stood, adjusting his shirt over his trousers.

"I don't want this meeting to mess with your head and cause you to fail the psych eval," Poe stated honestly, his expression full of worry as he walked up to him.

"If Ben fails, it will be because he should. It won't be because of this meeting," Skywalker said prosaically. Leia remained quiet beside her brother.

"Such compassion, _uncle,_ " Ren bit out, shocking the man for identifying him as family. Ren grinned with an edge, juxtaposing his features with his smooth voice. "Remind me again why you and I always had a hard time getting along? Was it because you're a self-righteous hypocrite? Yeah, I think that was it."

Pivoting quickly, Ren left the peeled stares behind, stopping a few feet into the hallway. The trooper and Rey were talking further down and Ren had a feeling he shouldn't get involved. He had a tendency of making things worse.

Poe came out, thankfully guiding him in the opposite direction as Ren memorized the layout of the journey. Oh, he was going to fail this ridiculous test, no doubt about it. So he might as well get used to living in this metal hovel that was straight out of the Clone Wars.

Ren kept up the steady pace, putting one foot in front of the other. Then repeated. Then repeated. More and more people piled into the corridors until he became just another drone among the many, albeit a smidge taller than most.

Not long thereafter, Poe left him in a room that was the size of a closet. His thoughts stayed behind to keep him company, but really, Ren was alone… alone to think when he just wanted to shut down… alone to wallow in his familiar self-hatred…. alone to witness his iron resolve start to break.

Just... alone.


	37. We'll See

"Finn!" Rey hollered as she ran after him. "Can you just stop and talk to me for a second?" She grabbed his arm and tugged him around, his demeanor clearly irritated.

"What?" He snapped at her, shrugging out of her hold. "What do you want to say?"

People passed by, shooting them curious looks, but giving them a wide berth to talk. "I… I just…" Rey stammered as her thoughts jumbled into a mushy mess.

"Rey, I need to get back to the base." Finn turned to walk away, but Rey couldn't let him go.

"I miss you," she proclaimed desperately, causing him to stop and look back at her. Closing the small distance between them, she stared directly into his eyes, wanting him to see the truth behind her words. "I miss you, Finn. I am so, so sorry for how everything came out and for lying to you. I was a coward and too afraid to tell you the truth because I thought you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. And I really needed your friendship. None of this is fair to you, I know that. I can –"

"He tried to kill me," Finn interrupted hotly. "He killed Han and you're over here acting like your best buddies."

Rey gulped, knowing she should be honest. "I'm his friend," she muttered as he scoffed. "But I'm your friend, too. I care about you –"

"Don't lie."

"I'm not lying!" Rey bellowed, taking Finn by surprise. Breathing deeply, she went on. "You're the first friend I've ever had, and we've been through so much together. We fought together. Laughed together. Struggled together. I can't – I won't let you stop being my friend. You're too important to me. So I'm going to bug you till you can't ignore me any longer." Rey stood confidently, watching as he sighed and glanced at the bright ceiling.

"But you and him…" Finn whispered. "You're a package deal, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're together," he stated.

"Together?"

He rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah, we're friends –"

"You're more than friends. The way he stares at you when you aren't looking tells me he wants to be more than just friends with you… if you aren't already." Rey wasn't sure how to respond to that. "I'm really struggling to understand how you can be so accepting of him after everything he's done."

The sudden dread in his eyes startled her. "There's a good side to him, Finn," Rey explained gently. "He hides it from everyone because of his pride, but the person he used to be is still in there. Snoke made him into the monster you and I fought on Starkiller base. If you had that creature in your mind your whole life, pushing you to the Dark side, could you honestly say that you would have resisted him forever?"

Finn's expression went from repulsion to contemplation, sparking a small flame of hope that she was getting through to him. "It doesn't change what he's done. He was an adult when he chose to join the First Order. He grew up knowing right from wrong. His actions are on him."

"And how many of your stormtroopers have killed innocent people? How many of them have followed orders just as blindly as Ben did?"

Finn's face morphed into raw anger, an expression that didn't fit who he was. "Don't bring them into this. We were indoctrinated from a young age and basically brainwashed –"

"So was Ben, but he received personal attention from Snoke," Rey griped in, not backing down. "I think if you looked close enough, you'd see similarities between you and Ben –"

"Don't compare me to him. You people think you know that... that... _thing_? I've worked for him. You have no idea how ruthless he can really be."

Stars, this conversation was quickly getting out of control, going in a direction Rey didn't intend.

Rey took a quick moment to collect herself. "I understand how –"

"No, you don't. He's a ruined man, Rey, and you shouldn't have interfered with his execution." Finn breathed in and muttered, "But he won't last long on the base anyway."

Rey couldn't help but get defensive. "You would just love to have an excuse to kill him, wouldn't you?"

"I don't need an excuse. I think a lot of dead people constitutes as a reason."

"You want him dead even after just learning what it would do to me?" her strained voice asked as Finn looked away, ashamed.

"I don't want that for you," he softly admitted.

The traffic in the hall was becoming denser, but no amount of bodies was going to get Rey to move. In one fluid outtake, the vigor that was poised in them both evaporated, leaving two tired and sorrowful people behind. Finn wouldn't look at her, wouldn't even give her a glance.

"Look, I need to get back," he uttered.

The voice that came from her mouth was more child than woman, but she didn't care how pathetic it sounded. "But… I want to talk and try to work this out."

Finn moved his head back and forth. "As long as he's in your life, I don't know if there's a way to work through this."

"What if when you and I are together, he isn't there?"

Finn let out a sad chuckle, his eyes digging into the floor. "Rey…"

She touched his arm. "I know it sounds ridiculous. But I don't care. Just think about it."

Lifting his gaze, he regarded her for a long moment. "I don't know… the fact that you're with him makes it hard to be around you."

"Oh," Rey dropped her hand back to her side. "So… I'm also the problem," she whispered solemnly, her fallow heart beating erratically in her chest.

Finn nodded, averting his gaze back to the floor. "You're doing well, though… right?"

"Yes," she muttered.

_Except for the fact you don't want to be around me._

"Good. That's… good."

Finn didn't lift his head.

He couldn't look at her.

"I gotta go," Finn mumbled with numb disregard. "Take care of yourself." He pivoted and brusquely walked down the bright hallway, disappearing around the corner.

Rey stood there longer than necessary, staring at the end of the corridor as dozens of unsuspecting crew members walked by.

Part of her questioned why she was fighting so hard for a friendship that didn't want to be reciprocated. But the lonely, little girl from Jakku told her not to acquiesce so easily. Finn was precious to her; he always had been. The ease at which they would talk and laugh with one another was a gem Rey didn't want to give up or lose.

Rey put on a stoic face and headed to where Ben would be. She was an adult and was more than capable of making a plan to get Finn back by her side. Her mind was collective, her plans filed in order, but her throat and stomach clenched with stress. Even though she seemed at ease, all she wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry for what she more than likely lost forever.

She wanted to yell out for help, but knew she couldn't. Choices that she had made were nobody else's concern, and the consequences were hers alone to bear.

()()()()()

Ren sat in a chair that was too small for his tall frame, looking at the rust marks that lined the wall and ceiling of the stark room he'd been shoved into. His head tilted back, studying the one erosive stain that actually resembled something familiar. The circular mark reminded him of the process of cell division, more specifically the part where the spindle fibers attached to the chromosomes that lined up in the center. Before realizing what he was doing, Ren imagined the rest of the sequence: The chromosomes would then start to move to the opposite ends of the cell as the spindle fibers shortened. As they reached the ends, the nuclear membranes formed and then cell division –

The door slid open, an older Harter Kalonia walking into the chamber, holding a thick binder at her side. Ren straightened quickly, making the chair creak in protest at having a man in a seat designed for a child.

Or maybe the chair was of average size and he was just freakishly big.

Harter moved fluidly to the chair on the opposite side of the table, placing the binder down with a heavy thud before sitting. The doctor always had a certain love for the old ways, so it didn't come as a surprise that she didn't bring a datapad.

Taking out a pen from the inside of her brown vest, she snapped it to attention and wrote something down in her big book of secrets. The woman had aged, the skin below her chin now sagging and weathered lines crinkling around her eyes. Memories of being at her clinic grappled Ren, holding his attention with a strangling hold. He had once held this woman in high regard and respected her immensely, probably more than anyone else from his past life.

Which was why he didn't want her to be here. "I want a different doctor," Ren demanded.

Harter paused, resting the pen on the page and studying him quietly. "Why? I do have a degree in psychology and have given dozens of psych evaluations before."

"I don't question your credentials. You're more than capable of doing this, but I don't want it to be you asking me questions."

"Because I once knew you?" Ren shifted slightly, folding his arms across his chest. "That was a long time ago. And besides, no one else would willingly get in a locked room and ask you personal questions that could potentially set you off." There was a small hint of a smile on her lips, as if there was an underlying joke to her statement.

"Before we start," she went on, " there are some things that need to be clarified. On paper, you will always be known as Ben Solo, since that is your legal name. But what would you like to be called on the base?"

"Ren."

"Okay." She wrote his response down. "Now, there are some details I need to go over with you before we begin. All your crimes have been pardoned, including any crimes you talk about during this session or vocalize in the future. Next, I am to tell you that you still have access to your inheritance and your titles are still in place. You are an _heir apparent_ and will be invested with the appropriate title of prince when New Alderaan is settled with monarchial ties to the original one." _Oh yes, the part of my life I never really cared for._ "As far as I know, a planet in the outer rim has been put up as an option and already has families from Birren populating it."

 _That_ was certainly news to Ren. He might be getting the title of prince way sooner than he thought. He'd always banked on being dead before anyone with an ounce of organizational skills found a suitable planet, populated it, and went through the time to petition to be recognized as New Alderaan.

"Of course, this is all dependent upon your cooperation with the Resistance and that you cause no one harm while being here," Harter added.

"Of course," Ren responded dryly.

Harter pushed a paper and pen in front of him, explaining that he needed to read over the agreement and sign it before they continued. Ren scanned the contract, most of the terms having already been explained to him by Harter and Skywalker. However, toward the bottom, it was stated that if he broke any of the rules he would be handed over to the Resistance council and Skywalker could not interfere. It might actually be a better idea to fail the evaluation on purpose so he could stay up here, because down on the base with a bigger population of Resistance soldiers, Ren was bound to do something _really_ stupid.

But… his time with Rey would be extremely limited on this ship.

Picking up the pen with his dominant right hand, Ren placed it on the signature line and paused. "You have to sign with your full legal name," Harter said as if she could read his mind.

_Perfect._

Ren fluidly put his past identity to paper, then took a moment to gaze at the name that was foreign to him.

_**Ben Organa Solo** _

He rested back against the spine of the chair, sliding the pen and paper back.

Harter filed the document into a folder. "How are you feeling right now?"

"Fine."

"You're not annoyed at being forced to be in this room?"

Ren shrugged. "I don't really like talking about how I feel or the events of my life. But really, who does?"

"Why don't you like talking about your feelings?"

Ren outwardly groaned and glanced at the familiar rust spot. Three questions in and he already felt like ramming his head against the wall.

Dammit… if he wanted an ounce of artificial freedom, he had to start giving answers. And Skywalker would know if he half-assed his way through it.

He cleared his throat. "I've always viewed feelings as a weakness."

"All feelings or just specific ones?"

Ren leveled out his head, settling in for the very long exchange. "Expressing or showing emotions has a certain vulnerability attached to it that makes me uncomfortable."

"Do you prefer to ignore your emotions then?"

He stretched out his legs, crossing them at the ankles. "As much as I can."

"What happens when you can't?"

"You saw what happened to my room in the med bay."

"So you always get physical when you can't control your emotions."

"Or I just don't feel anything."

"Like you become mentally numb to a situation?" Ben nodded. Harter scribbled something down. "When do you not feel anything? What kind of situations?"

"And if I don't answer that question?" Harter just stared at him, waiting. Ren worked his jaw and breathed in before answering. "After I kill someone, usually."

Harter didn't even blink at his response. "What about during?"

Ren shifted in his chair. "It's intense, kind of like a feeling of euphoria... I guess. Like accomplishing something no one else can do." Admitting that was... disgusting, which confused him.

Harter took a longer moment to write something in her binder. "Do you enjoy killing sentient things?" she asked, still scribbling down her thoughts.

Ren snorted. "You want me to fail this test?"

Harter paused and glanced up. "What I want is irrelevant. But why do you ask that?"

"These kinds of questions are what you ask psychopaths."

"Do you view yourself as a psychopath?"

Ren rolled his eyes. "I view myself as a person who is given orders and then completes them."

"And those orders have to do with killing people?"

"Yes."

"Do you find a sense of satisfaction in taking the lives of others?"

Ren sighed, knowing Harter was just going to keep rephrasing the question till he answered. But what the hell. He was positive he failed the evaluation already. "Sure. It can be satisfying."

"Have you ever tortured or killed animals?"

"When I was younger, I did." _And I killed a loth-cat a couple weeks ago…._

Harter sat back, leaving the pen on the binder. "What was your first time like?"

Ren chewed at his inner cheek, remembering the event with perfect clarity, even though he'd been six years old at the time. "I, uh, became physically ill afterwards. I couldn't keep any food down for days and I rarely left my room or talked to anyone.

"But you kept killing animals?"

..."Yes."

"Why?"

"I grew more curious about the weird mixture of feelings it gave me. I felt guilty, but also this superiority that was pleasurable. With more practice, I became more comfortable with it."

"What part about killing do you find enjoyable?"

Ren's mind drifted to the cave, to the Rodian that first found him there. The alien had been angry to find an intruder, which quickly turned to disbelief when Ren called the filth forward. It ended with terror and horror and then the process repeated with each and every person Ren slaughtered. It had been his first real taste of power and he'd wanted it permanently, so he went searching for it.

But expressing this out loud was not something he was comfortable doing. "The power I hold over someone and seeing their fear... it's a rush, I guess."

The kid in Jorfel's home came to his thoughts next. Ren had been wickedly satisfied that the boy had coughed up blood and gasped, his eyes peeled with righteous fear, the kind you only read about in gruesome stories.

Fuck, he was a demented monster, wasn't he? At least he had enough of a grip on his faculties to know that much.

"Do you have a code you live by? Like a set of rules?"

Does anything faze this woman? "Not really." But then, he remembered something. "Actually, maybe. I don't like to kill children."

Like that somehow made what he did for a living more tolerable.

"Have you killed children before?"

An ache in Ren's chest scorched and tore at his heart. It must have been phantom pain from the blow he took from the darksaber. Either that or he was getting emotional... Reflexively, he rubbed his sternum. "The youngest I've ever personally killed was nine."

"How was that experience?"

"It wasn't particularly pleasant," he answered smugly.

Harter flipped through some pages, stopping once she found what she was looking for. "Have you ever cared for someone else, other than yourself?" Her tone was even, with not a drop of condemnation. The doctor really was a true professional.

"Yes."

"Who?"

That was when Ren showed a modicum of reaction, just a flicker in his face before the uniform expression resettled on his features. "Well, like all children, you start off caring about your parents because you don't know any differently," he said, attempting to give a reasonable answer that didn't reveal too much.

"Okay… but have you ever willingly chose to care about another person?"

Ren narrowed his stare, wondering if the council told her to ask these specific questions or if it was actually part of the evaluation. "Maybe. Who's watching this right now?"

Finally, the doctor showed a fraction of surprise against her phlegmatic exterior. "Members of the council, Master Skywalker, and Rey. As far as I know. Now, this person you care –"

"I don't want to get into specifics about that."

"Why not?"

Ren shuddered as he tried not to get too short with the woman. "It's personal, but I think I know what you are fishing for. I have cared about someone else more than myself and have put their safety above my own. Is that sufficient enough for you?"

Harter acutely smiled, but didn't revisit the subject again. The evaluation dragged out, some questions making Ren laugh while others made him squirm in discomfort and confusion. Putting words to feelings was a distasteful process and it stretched his patience beyond the edges of the universe. His soul had always been too deep to explore and he more than preferred to stay in the shallows, but Harter kept pushing his head below the current, tiring him out from the constant drowning.

If there was one thing he took away from the whole experience, it was that he did not understand who he was anymore.

"Well," Harter closed her notes and stretched her arms above her head. "I don't know about you, but I'm tired. I think I have enough here to report back to the council with."

"What are you going to tell them?" Ren asked as he stifled a yawn and he wondered if his rear was ever going to regain feeling again. Thirty minutes into the excruciating interview, that part of his body became numb and he was eager to walk around.

"I'll give them my opinion and they'll make a decision based off of it."

His stomach clenched. "What is your opinion? Or am I not allowed to know?"

"I don't see why you can't." Harter placed her overworked pen inside her vest. "You have sociopathic tendencies that make you struggle with empathizing with others, and a sadistic nature that has formed into an addiction of hurting living beings and yourself. Pain is something that helps you cope, especially the physical kind."

Well, Harter's bluntness sure hadn't faded with age. "So… I failed the test."

She tilted her head. "Why would you say that?"

"If I was in your position and knew all that stuff about someone, I wouldn't let them be around other people," Ren answered honestly.

The doctor leaned in closer, her voice shifting to a tender tone. "But you are capable of compassion; you just hide it really well underneath your more troublesome attributes. You care a lot, actually. I think you struggle with these two sides of yourself and because of that, you feel weak, which drives you to seek pain or do something extreme."

None of this was news to him, but people tended to focus more on negative attributes than the positive ones. "Soooo… I passed?"

"To me, there is no pass or fail with an evaluation. The main thing the council wants to know is if you will harm anyone on base… and I don't believe you will."

_Really?_

"Why do you believe that?"

Ren didn't even believe that about himself.

"I think there are certain people you don't want to answer to or ruin your relationship with. You hold a specific person in high regard and you wouldn't jeopardize your first fulfilling relationship." There was a short bout of silence before Harter gathered her things and headed for the door.

"Harter?" Ren muttered. She twisted around, her forehead furrowing from his query. "Thank you… for trying to save me after Lothal and for tending to me afterward."

"You're welcome, but honestly, that girl of yours did a lot of the work."

"She isn't my girl." The doctor smiled in that all-knowing way she did and he glanced away. For a brief moment, he was that child again, the one that spent hours at her clinic and bothered her with one ridiculous question after the other.

Those memories nearly broke him as he sat in the small, uncomfortable chair, feeling her eyes bleed into him.

"There is one last thing I'd like to know. Out of my own curiosity," Harter said. Ren's eyes lifted, peering beneath low brows and disheveled hair. "The rust stain on the ceiling directly above you. What does it remind you of?"

"Meiosis."

Harter cracked a laugh and he could have been wrong, but her eyes seemed to gloss over, shining brightly against the overhead lights.

"If you ever want any medical books to read, I have plenty I can let you borrow," Harter offered. "A mind like yours should be cultivated, not wasted."

Ren nodded and then she was gone.

()()()()()

Ren was as cold as the blood that ran through his bones, even though he was in a warm bed, trying to find some sense of slumber. Tossing and turning, he couldn't get comfortable. His mind was replaying the whole day over and over again, the highs and lows of the events causing his muscles to seize and his core to run frigid. He was afraid… afraid that if he slept, he would wake up to find that he was being escorted to his execution.

_Is any of this even real?_

It didn't seem like it was, but as his eyes roamed the dark room and his nose smelled the cold metallic air, it sure did _feel_ real.

To top off his concern, he had to wait till tomorrow to hear the council's decision on his placement. _Maybe they'll deliver the news with a knife to my back_ , he thought inwardly. Even after he signed that agreement, he still didn't trust those people.

 _I proudly bring you anxiety, sponsored by none other than Ren himself_ , he thought sarcastically.

Sighing, he positioned his tall body on the narrow bed, bending his knees so his feet didn't hang off the end. He prayed he would be able to fall asleep before he fell apart. At least the mattress was plush and not hard. He hated–

Poe groaned loudly from the other bed as he stood abruptly in the dark, BB-8 turning on from his master's sudden movement. "I can't sleep with all the noise you're making over there," he whispered sharply, leaving the room with the droid in tow.

Ren didn't realize his restlessness would aggravate the guy, but every person had different criteria as to what annoyed them.

And actually, this worked in Ren's favor. He detested that Poe was assigned to essentially babysit him throughout the night. It would appear multiple members of the council feared he would come find them and slit their throats as they slept. Really, Ren had better things to do with his time.

_What time? Other than blabbing First Order secrets, you literally have nothing else to do._

This place was going to kill him with boredom.

 _How dull_.

And the damn chip in his arm hindered the places he could go, causing him to be in an invisible cage of his own insanity. Of course, Ren was already concocting a plan to remove it without anyone knowing. Hopefully Harter was serious about those medical books because the device had been placed under an artery and he didn't want to dig it out blindly. It was going to be a painful and slow process, but it would –

The door opened, light pouring in from the outside hallway and revealing the outline of his visitor.

"Rey?" Ren sat up as she walked inside.

Rey's loose pants and white shirt enveloped her body, but Ren found the look more than agreeable. Adding to her appearance was her wavy hair, which was completely down and draping her shoulders, begging to be touched. "Poe said he couldn't sleep in here with you sighing every five seconds and rustling the sheets every time you moved. So… he proposed we switch rooms."

_Bless that pilot and his intuition._

Rey was the nightcap Ren desperately needed.

Ren grinned without reserve, but then Rey sat on the opposite bed and his smile faltered. There was no way he was not going to sleep next to her and he wondered if she would deny his closeness. Studying her face, her expression was solemn and contemplative and Ren knew exactly what that meant.

She was going to have a serious conversation with him.

Ren swung his legs over the side of the bed, his feet resting on the floor and his eyes watching her every move.

"I, uh…" Rey fiddled with her fingers in her lap. It was a nervous habit, and Ren didn't like her being uneasy around him.

"If there's something you need to say, say it. I won't get mad." He braced his hands against the edge of the metal frame, like he was going to bolt upright at any moment.

Rey squared her shoulders, confidence seeping into her demeanor that wasn't there a second ago. "I have something to say about how you interacted with your mother in the medical room."

Silence… and then more silence.

They stared at one another, Ren clenching his jaw as his blood pressure spiked. He didn't want to offend Rey, nor make her mad… but he did not want to talk about his mother.

Ever.

"You don't want to talk about it," she stated.

"No."

Rey nodded, but refused to back down. "Fine, you don't have to, but you're going to sit there and listen to what I have to tell you." She swallowed and then continued. "I know I don't have parents and at the end of the day, I don't know everything about your childhood. Part of me thinks it isn't my place to tell you anything, but if we're going to be spending a lot of time together, then I want you to know what I'm thinking."

She opened her mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. "What I saw transpire in that room was horrifying to watch. I have always known you had that kind of rage in you; I saw it while we were on Ahch-To, but to actually see it again…. Well, it shook me. Especially since your mother was in the room with you."

"That woman has been everything but a mother to me," Ren said with as much calm as he could muster.

"I know… but," Rey took in a breath, looking down at her knees, "you killed the man she loved and didn't even try to make amends for it. You owe her, maybe not for being your mother in terms of biology, but for murdering a person she cared about."

She locked onto Ren's tight face. "Look, I'm not telling you to try and mend your relationship with her, but you need to talk to her and apologize."

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he sighed. "Apologies… do not change what I've done."

"No, but it's worse if you do nothing. And I think you know that."

As much as he didn't want to think about it, Ren knew she was right. He'd always known that he needed to own up to what he'd done, and he would have to do it in front of Leia.

"Will there be any consequences if I don't do this?"

"I was fully prepared to tell you that I wouldn't talk to you till you've talked to her, but I don't want to treat you like a child. Also, I would be inadvertently punishing myself." Rey's smile didn't reach her ears, the sadness inside preventing her from lightening the mood.

He knew what she was thinking about – or better yet, who. "You considered Han a father figure, didn't you?" Ren whispered.

…"You know I did."

Her interrogation came to the forefront of his thoughts. "There's a part of you that still hates me for what I've done."

Rey glanced away as she answered, "Yes."

Ren nodded slowly. "I don't blame you for feeling that way, but I wish you wouldn't." She looked at him, perplexed. "And not because I don't want you to hate me, but because an emotion like that is a disease that can ruin you. It ruined me. Besides, I hate myself enough for the both of us."

She snapped back to attention. "You aren't ruined."

"I am, but thanks for believing I'm not… And Rey?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry for taking him away from you. You were the child he always would have wanted," he whispered reverently. Rey couldn't meet his eyes as she fought off the sudden clasp of emotions. "Is there anything else you need to say?"

Rey sniffled and swiped at her eyes before looking at him. If it weren't for the slight redness of her corneas, he wouldn't have guessed she had started to cry. "Yes, actually, there is something else. You say that you care about me, but why are you so quick to leave me?"

The question took Ren aback. "I'm not. I don't want –"

"But you were quick to decide to leave me on Takodana. And then when it was apparent you were going to be executed, you didn't even put up a fight. You just went with it. I watched you die on Lothal; I felt it. That emptiness inside was vast and painful and you were willing to put me through that again? How can you just… do that to me?"

Ren scrubbed his face so hard his nose started to tingle. "I never purposefully sought to hurt you. You have to believe me."

"I know you weren't purposefully doing it, but I need you to think about me if you ever get caught in a dangerous situation again. Your life is not the only one on the line."

A prickle of tension ripped at the nape of his neck, humbling him. "You're right. I didn't take you into account and it was selfish of me not to. I – It doesn't mean much, but I am sorry." He glanced down. "I'm sorry for a lot of things, it would seem."

She shook her head, tossing her hair across her face. "It does matter. Apologizing. I know you don't think it, but it does."

Ren slumped, admitting to her how he felt. "More should be done, though."

Rey blanched, seeming more disturbed than shocked. "Is that how you feel? That more should be done to you in terms of punishment?"

"Don't you?" His face contorted as he grew more passionate. "I've been pardoned for everything I've done. I believe that people should be punished for their wrongdoings and now I see that I've been doing terrible things for a very long time. But I somehow get a pass?"

"Do you even want to be here?" Rey countered.

Ren had been given a second chance, one that he shouldn't squander away like the first time. However, the hollowness deep in his gut made it so he could hardly rejoice. If Snoke didn't kill him, his prevailing guilt would. "Rey… I don't know how to live with myself. I'm weak, I've never been anything else."

"Maybe living with what you've done is punishment enough. And if you can't find a reason to keep going, then keep going… for me." Imploring him till he became lost in her hazel eyes, she added a soft spoken, "Please."

"Honestly, you are the only thing that kept me going today. I know I shouldn't use you for such purposes –"

"I don't mind," she interjected.

Ren chuckled lightly. "I know you don't, but we're treading in dangerous territory. Or at least I am with how much I want you." His eyes widened at what came out of his mouth. "Uhhh, I mean care for you. How much I care for you."

_Smooth._

Rey stilled, watching him fumble over his words. "You… want me... like that?"

He gulped. "Of course I do."

There was a slight pause as Rey's eyes darted around. Then she said, "I… wasn't sure, because of what happened in the refresher earlier. I said… what I said and you just looked at me. I was so embarrassed and I thought that you might not –"

"That's why you snapped and left quickly? Rey, I'm very much a man and I very much want to be with you. Trust me."

"You do?"

"Yes!" Ren basically shouted, causing her to jolt from his sudden outburst. "My apologies. I didn't mean to be so loud, but Rey, you are a very attractive young woman."

Rey spoke through what was clearly a tight throat. "I am?"

"I've told you before that I think you're beautiful. Do you not believe me?"

She shrugged. "No one has ever told me that before."

He stared across the room at her. "And you're still finding it hard to believe me, aren't you?"

Rey didn't answer, which more than told him how she perceived herself. "I'll keep telling you how beautiful you are till you cement it as fact. How about that?" And he was going to deliver on that promise.

"If you want to, then I guess I can't stop you," she muttered bashfully.

"You can stop me from doing many things, but this won't be one of them. Now, are you going to stay on that bed all night?" His voice dropped low. "Cause if you are, I'm going to come over."

Her smile was timid and innocent and Ren loved the blush that was on her cheeks. As she came over, he reclined back and opened the covers to allow her to slide inside. He had to push his back against the hard wall to make room, but Rey's softness as he curled his arms around her was more than enough to make him forget the rigidity from behind.

Nuzzling her face against his chest and with the lights off, she rested her head on his bicep and breathed deeply in content.

They talked long into the night, both relaying their experiences over the last two weeks. When it came to the more difficult events, like Jorfel's death, Ren kept it short and Rey knew not to pry for more details. The only thing he withheld was the vision of the possible future he could've had if he didn't join the First Order. Talking of such things would drag him to the brink of despair, and he didn't feel like jumping from that emotional cliff at the moment.

The mood lightened when Rey took over the conversation. Hearing her describe the friends she had made and the life she established on the base actually made him happy for her. After a long life of seclusion, it sounded like she found a place that gave her the fulfillment she always yearned for. Although, if you looked beyond her bouncy tone, he had the sense that all the happy chatter was… hiding something.

For no particular reason he had an image of the blue woven throw blanket that hung on the back of his mother's blue sofa in his old blue living room. Leia had gone through a phase of coloring everything in the house different shades of blue until Han finally put his foot down that the place was starting to give him migraines.

But that damn blanket… Ren couldn't get it out of his mind. That simple spread was never to be used for warmth, and the Force help you if you ever tried to lounge with it. That blanket's sole purpose for existing was to hide the red stain Han had made when he accidentally spilled pasta all over the place. Threepio had scrubbed for days, but it never came out. He never understood why his mother didn't just buy a new couch since they certainly had the money to do so.

Just like that simple blanket, Rey's voice was hiding some kind of stain on her emotions, and he had a very good guess as to what it was.

He looked down at her to grab her attention. "You spent a lot of time with the trooper during those two weeks?"

There was a stretch of silence.

"Yeah, I spent the most time with him. We had a lot of fun." She stated factually, her voice now even and quiet.

"What did you two talk about after that meeting today?"

Rey's stare was still down as she remained silent. Then, ever so acutely, her bottom lip quivered. Given how dimly lit the room was, he could have been mistaken, but he felt her piercing sadness and it was deeper and more overwhelming than he initially perceived.

"Hey," he whispered, putting his finger beneath her chin and leaning her head back. She was crying and attempting to hide it, but he didn't let her look away. "You don't have to hide from me."

"I don't like to cry."

"Does it have something to do with the trooper?"

She nodded, her tears feeling warm as they fell on his arm. "I feel like I have to choose between you two because neither of you get along with each other…."

"You don't have to choose. If you want to be friends with him, I won't stop you." Interesting that he actually meant that.

"It's more that he doesn't want to be friends with me. I –" She let out a short sob. "I don't like when people leave me."

His chest ached at the tone of her voice and the fact that there was nothing he could do to relieve her suffering, except hold her. More should be done, though. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'll never leave you," he said as he wiped her tears away. "I won't do that to you again."

"That does help. Thanks." She cuddled into him and he embraced her tighter. Her breathing evened out before she asked, "So... you're a prince?"

He laughed into her hair. "Not really. I only get the title if the planet becomes New Alderaan."

"Dr. Kalonia made it seem like there was a good possibility of that happening."

"We'll see." They both settled in for the night, his chin resting atop her head.

His thoughts kept searching for some type of solution to her ongoing problem with her less than deserving friend. Maybe he should talk to the bastard, try and create some type of middle ground for them. As much as he wanted to kill the guy out of disdain, he would refrain from doing so.

Break his legs, sure, but not kill him.

Ren's thoughts abruptly turned to another person he needed to eventually speak with. "Rey," he said softly.

"Hmmmm…" she replied sleepily.

"I'll… I will talk with the general. I know that I should."

Rey wiggled her way up to his eye level, staring at him through heavy lids. "Good." Moving in, she kissed him. The touch was chaste and simple, one that would be given between two people that were completely comfortable in each other's company. Nestling back against him, he became sharply aware of her body… pressed against his. He adjusted his legs, attempting to hide his arousal from her. From her light snoring, he concluded she was none the wiser.

How much longer could he go without making an advance on her? Time would tell, but if she kept coming to sleep with him during the night, he probably wasn't going to last very long. He had told himself he wouldn't do anything unless he had her full affection, but that rule was gradually chipping away the more he was around her. Besides, a girl like her could never love a sadistic man like him, so waiting for that to happen would mean he would never get to fully be with her.

The idea that a person could have everything they wanted in life was such a fallacy.


	38. Finding My Way Back

_Eight thousand, three hundred, forty-seven years, five months, twelve days, two hours, nineteen minutes, and twenty-three seconds..._

Time had always been a construct living beings created to count the life they had left to live. Factually, according to the fabrics of the universe, time was infinite, long lasting, and eternal. How to actually combine the two was a mystery man would forever be trying to solve. Some had come close, poking and prodding and pushing the limits of the Force till they died from the consumption of their own failures.

Not him, though.

He had found a way to deviate from the misconception that mortality could not be cheated, could not be beaten by gracious power and the drive for freedom. Life was not a draining loss into the eternities, because it was malleable, not fixed.

Soil, not stone.

Which was something for which he was grateful. If time had been set, he would have died hundreds of lifetimes ago, just like every other pathetic being in this galaxy.

Immortality hadn't been Snoke's goal at the beginning.

He had wondered throughout the galaxy, well into his middle-aged years before fate bestowed upon him an opportunity so ripe, it would have been criminal not to pluck and devour it. The first body he ever stole had been a messy and transformative process, and it had all been accidental.

Not one for getting close to people, he melded into the shadows, keeping to himself like a leper who was too skittish to be seen. Fear was his only familiar friend – fear of him and of others. The powers he possessed terrified even him, leaving that part of himself untrained and hidden.

Foolishly, he lingered too long in a village until the townspeople's anxiety toward his presence went from a soft fizzle and into a full-blown fire. Burly men found him and beat him, awakening an anger inside that was so blindingly pure, he hadn't been aware as to what he was doing. Fixating on a foreign pulse of power, he realized one of the men was sensitive to the powers of the universe, much like him.

Locking eyes with the hefty man in the back of the promenade, his essence swirled among the fabrics of reality, skipping through dimensional colors before resting back into the familiar realm of the galaxy. Callously, he crushed the man's soul and replaced it with his own, because whatever your core was, whether be virtue or sin, you never wanted to meet death.

Which was why Snoke gave in and cheated.

The reddish-blonde, freckled faced body he'd come to associate with himself was dead in the mud as the men triumphed around him with boisterous hollers and hearty laughs. But the only reason his body had transitioned to a corpse was because he had willed it so, not because of anything they'd done.

Snoke slaughtered the men where they stood and then buried his body atop a nearby mountain.

The rapid aging had been alarming, but through cultivating his talents, manipulating the unsuspected, and diving deeper into the well of the Force, he learned how to keep surviving. Quickly, he realized he fed off the deeds of darkness and that he shouldn't shy away from what he was so skilled at enacting upon his enemies.

Learning how the body and soul worked in tandem had been a process, but he perfected the transference of Force energy the more he took on apprentices. Through those experiences, he discovered that the qualities of the soul were not dissimilar to the components of the human body. The physical form had a number of useless parts, such as extra teeth, the appendix, the tailbone – which were at best gratuitous, and at worst capable of malfunctioning and causing havoc unto your health.

Force intelligences were the same. They, too, had useless parts that hindered a being from reaching their true and everlasting potential. Hope, belonging, love… friendship and justice and kindness… all of it an ethereal disease that spread morality into the hearts of the living, interrupting the soul's innate craving for evolution and growth.

Once realizing this, he was able to stay true to his core, letting himself progress in the right direction.

Millenniums passed as he observed all the wars that tore into the galaxy, infecting the population with more crime while people of influence turned away from the suffering. The cesspool of hypocrites did nothing to bridge the gap between the haves and have nots, did nothing to organize life into a well working machine of compliance and like-mindedness. Everyone wanted individuality, art, and freedom, all the things that ruined stability and comfort.

So he watched and waited with a patience that rivaled the beginning of the universe. After Palpatine, he took his chance for greatness, casting his vision for a just and order galaxy into existence. Given how Palpatine made a near perfect society, Snoke took a lot of the brilliant man's ideas and changed the ones that had failed.

Namely, putting too much trust in a Skywalker.

But one of the finest gifts Palpatine ever left behind was the observatory on Jakku. Modifications were being made for Snoke's plans. If the weapon could operate exactly how he theorized, he would no longer need students for survival. He would find true immortality while being able to control the entirety of the Universe.

The soft, gold slippers on his bony feet brushed along the ashen stone as he paced throughout the ancient cavern. Musky air swirled into his shriveling lungs, the hint of burnt flesh tagging along for the journey through his nostrils. The middle of the chamber was where the evidence of his anger lied – unmoving, but still breathing. To kill him would've been a pleasant experience, but certain persons were not expendable at the moment.

Even if they had betrayed him.

The order not to kill Kylo Ren had been clear, and yet jealousy had been the cause of this coup. The knight had learned his lesson and would be given a second chance, because Snoke was a merciful master and could secretly empathize with the petty emotion.

Would he forget the undermining?

Not in the slightest.

General Hux had also been behind this mess, but Snoke had remained mute to knowing that particular fact during their last meeting. The general knew that he knew, and sometimes silence was louder than torture, and a lot more menacing on the psyche.

A ping of pain shot up Snoke's spine, screaming throughout his skull. This body would soon fail, rot and deteriorate. Snoke desperately needed to get his apprentice back. No one, not even that scavenger filth, was going to hide Kylo Ren from his fate. However, he was grateful for that desert rat. Without her, his apprentice would have died, leaving Snoke to his own ruin.

Before he kills her, he'll need to thank her for the selfless act of resurrection she performed on the body that was slated to be his.

And thank her for revealing the whereabouts of his twin.

During his apprentice's resuscitation, his sister's power had pounded against his mind, unwillingly greeting him across their ancient connection. And Snoke obliged by opening his awareness unto her, welcoming her with conniving intent. Kay's energy had pulsed through his being, allowing him to glimpse through her sight and know exactly where she was hidden. It was only a brief moment, which didn't give his sister enough time to gather her faculties and attempt to hurt him, but it did allow Snoke to rifle through her strategy.

In that breath of time, he saw her intentions and was astounded by her unique and imaginative plan. It was clever to attach herself to another being and create a bond between the scavenger and Kylo, whereupon she would then use said connection to find him. He almost respected her resourcefulness.

Almost.

Pacing in the decrepit body, it was hard to put into words what he was feeling. He hadn't expected to feel anything once he finally found his twin, but he was experiencing… something.

Up until this moment, his immortality had been executed flawlessly, making him invincible against the most unbiased of entities: death. There was satisfaction to be had in achieving the improbable, of perverting the natural order of the cosmos. Thinking of such a feat usually brought about a malicious happiness that on occasion made him smile.

Now, he started to feel… emotions he hadn't felt in a very long time. These emotions then produced memories, ones that appalled him.

Snoke hadn't been blessed with being gifted like his sister. Hard work and maximum determination was what it took for him to move even a pebble and his twin knew it. She would flaunt the ease in which she used her abilities, laughing at him when he couldn't match her strength, revving up his temper till he couldn't form words or even breathe correctly.

As the shadows touched the center of his chest from these recollections, he felt empty, but complete. Murdering her had only been a fantasy, but then he had awoken to find her head smashed into the dirt and blood and tissue staining his arms to the elbows. And there he was, holding a rock over her corpse.

He just wanted her to understand his frustrations, wanted her to see that he wasn't weak like she thought.

She'd been so proud of herself for being talented and he wanted some of that pride, because it had been impossible to find it within himself.

They had argued and he'd murdered her out of spite and anger… and some jealousy, too. It ended as quickly as it began and looking back on it, Snoke was always ashamed that he'd held her corpse and cried over what he had done.

The pride he now held for himself would never have allowed such a weakness to surface.

Once cultivating his true self, he searched her, knowing she would try to kill him in the future. Taking control of the galaxy was just one more way of making it harder for her to find him, which was why he needed someone he could control to bring his vision to fruition. That way, he could remain in the shadows while pulling the strings from afar.

Kylo Ren would do battle in a way he could not, weakening the Resistance and the galaxy at large with his violent machinations and lithe figure. Because of that, Snoke wasn't going to let his best warrior go. He'd been sculpting that boy into a weapon since birth, something he'd never done before. And to be of the proper influence, he needed a bond between him and the boy, which was another tool he'd never utilized till now.

It had been surprisingly simple to establish such a connection with a new mind. If the Dark side hadn't already been prevalent in the boy, it wouldn't have been possible. That early connection cemented Snoke's belief that the Dark side was within the hearts and minds of all beings at birth; it didn't just appear as one got older.

Snoke thought back on his many apprentices and how weak they all had been. None of them lasted long, which led him to theorize that having a vessel prominent in the Dark and Light would grant him more longevity. All he'd ever used were Dark side users, and since the transfer method relied purely upon darkness, his one attempt at using a Light side user had failed. Overall, his newfound theory seemed to be sound, and he was very eager to get to work on making the concept legitimate.

His apprentice would return unto the fold, because the blackness of Kylo's heart was only comfortable in the dark. Night had always pushed out day, and once Kylo Ren realized that, he'll beg Snoke to take his body so he could see to it that the Jedi never rise again – and in turn, fulfill his grandfather's destiny.

Albeit, not how the boy thought he would. But Snoke kept that fact to himself, letting his apprentice think he would live to see it through.

Now, Snoke just needed to prioritize who to find first: the boy, or the scavenger? Their bond would no doubt prove to be a weakness, their strong feelings for one another would surely be their downfall. Such emotions sickened Snoke, but it was no surprise that his apprentice had indulged in those superficial compulsions. Kylo Ren had always yearned to be wanted, to be loved, to be desired.

Snoke's knee wobbled and almost buckled from the unexpected feebleness. He still had some strength left in this frame of bones, but would it be enough to last a bit longer?

He was eager to find his apprentice, his grit beginning to thin. But meditation had revealed to him that the boy would somehow to come to him. Searching this feeling, Snoke was reassured that he would have the body he wanted; he just needed to wait.

And as it just so happens, patience was his strongest virtue.

()()()()()

"Again," Hux ordered.

The stormtrooper initiated the electricity to flow through the interrogation chair, causing Carise to tense from the torture. Her teeth tightened and her groaning came out in rasps as blood trickled out of her mouth from where she had bit into her cheek. The beautiful, blue dress was now diminished into rags, her sweat and blood staining the expensive fabric.

Hux nodded and the trooper flipped the switch off, causing Carise to sag and pant out her exhaustion. She looked to be upon the brink of death, but even as her neck lost the strength to hold her head up, she never begged for mercy. Maybe she was stronger than he thought.

"Leave us."

The room cleared, leaving a clean and polished Hux alone with his childhood acquaintance. He walked around the interrogation chair, eyeing her up and down. "You disappoint me, Carise. Your need for revenge has made you into a traitor."

"I… have never… supported… the Resistance," she said through heavy breaths, a drop of blood trailing from her chin, down her neck, and between her cleavage.

"Oh, I know you've never supported their cause, but giving credence to any other group that does not align with the First Order is treason. Even if that group is your own self-interests." Hux thought of his conversation with Supreme Leader from earlier, how he just looked at Hux with those all-knowing eyes. It was a mercy he was still alive, but he knew he was riding the wave of his last chance. Another mishap and Hux was out.

As much as it pained him, he would find Kylo Ren and bring him to the Supreme Leader alive. He just had to find the new Resistance base.

Standing in front of Carise, Hux clasped his hands behind his back. "What to do with you, Carise…. What. To. Do."

He thought upon their childhood together, how they were forced to interact at parties and social events. He deplored attending those get togethers, but his father always dragged him along, even though he was a bastard son. The looks he received, the sneers behind his back, and the jokes about his lanky disposition drove him to seek for greatness, to prove that he was somebody.

Carise's father had been good friends with Brendol since The Clone Wars, so she was expected to accompany him to many of those occasions. Their parents had even gone as far as to plan their marriage, but Hux shot that down with a mouth full of ire.

Him and Carise have always had an interesting relationship, one that comprised of helping each other get what they wanted while having a lot of sex on the side. It had been years since they'd been together, but Hux knew Carise more than got around.

He walked up to her, grabbing her face so she could look at him. "You humiliated me in front of Leader Snoke. I'm close to being replaced, thanks to you. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Fire showed in her eyes as she tried to snarl. Holding her head in place, Hux backhanded her, making her cough and choke on her own blood.

"I said, do you have anything to say for yourself?" he breathed into her beaten face.

She choked out a sob. "I'm… sorry."

Releasing his hold, her chin hit her chest, a moan escaping her weak lungs. Noticing blood on his hand, Hux wiped it clean on the only part of Carise's dress that wasn't already stained.

Hux straightened his uniform and pushed back his red hair. "Because of our history together, I'm giving you one more chance, Carise. One. More. You fail and you're dead. Do you understand?"

Her head rolled and he took that as a yes.

Their shared history was only part of the reason why Hux chose to keep her alive. The other was because The Core Worlds were used to corresponding with her. While those planets had a tendency of ignoring his messages, they responded to Carise with haste. The woman could be charismatic when she wanted to be, which was a good resource for galactic relations.

Allies were important to the winning of a war, as was keeping the most likable players. Having immense resources and recruits gave Hux the tactical advantage that allowed him to meet, engage, and lessen the power and size of the enemy. Allies were a strategic advantage, and the people whose interests aligned with his cause helped with loyalty. Even if the end goals did not exactly intersect. The only problem with allies was that, unlike the recruits, they were harder to control. It was only a matter of time before there was a hiccup in procedure.

Carise just needed to be reminded who her allegiance belonged to.

Hux walked to the stormtrooper posted outside the door. "Get her in a bacta tank and healed up. I don't want any evidence of what happened here on her body."

Carise's charisma wasn't the only thing that got a world leader to listen.

Magnetism only got a woman so far, nowadays.

()()()()()

Leia sat in her office during the early hours of the morning, a mug of hot caf on her organized desk. Her hair was braided in her trademark halo, makeup on her aged face, and her military green jumpsuit not yet wrinkled from the long hours of use that awaited. Surprisingly, the Resistance had stayed organized while she was away. It was hard to admit that Vassena was the reason. The woman had kept the Resistance working efficiently, which irked Leia since she despised her.

Trend had barged in, took control of everything Leia had built, and bossed around the council with enough intimidation that they didn't question her. It was borderline manipulation.

And then there was the fact the woman tried to have her son executed. Such measures had left her feeling indifferent towards Trend, mostly along the lines of Leia imagining grabbing her by the hair and launching her out of an air lock.

Trend had gone after her son. Her only child. Her little Ben.

And yet, his hate for her was rooted deep. Leia could see it in his eyes every time he looked at her. She didn't know how many more of those stares she could take.

She'd been incredibly disturbed with how he'd rammed his head into that mirror, not even batting an eyelash at the pain it undoubtedly caused him. Leia had no idea how to help him heal from the damage Snoke had inflicted. Part of her was too scared to even try. What if Ben never returned? What if there really was too much Vader inside of him?

Could she really look past what he did to Han?

Leia knew that Snoke was responsible for distorting her son's thoughts and for driving him to kill his father, but there was a sliver deep within her heart that hated her son for what he did. As much as she tried to deny it, it was there, waiting to ruin her.

But she couldn't dwell on it. Doing so gave the toxic emotion too much power.

On top of all her duties at the Resistance, Leia needed to find a way to help Ben. But as she sat there, going over all the meetings she had lined up and the remaining senators she needed to speak with, she felt like she was being forced to choose between her son and politics all over again.

A soft knock came from the door. Leia gave permission for her visitor to enter.

Admiral Statura came in hesitantly, his military uniform rustling against his movements. "General, the council will be ready to meet in an hour."

"Good. And thank you for getting that together on such short notice. Do you know if Admiral Trend will be there?"

"I'm not sure. No one has seen her since she went into her quarters yesterday. I knocked at her door, but didn't get a response. I sent everyone a message about the meeting, but kept her out of it. Do you want me to send it to her?"

Leia shook her head. "No. I think she should have a few days off." More like a year. Or forever. "Thank you, Admiral."

Going back to her datapad, Leia resumed reading the reports she'd missed during her captivity. For the most part, the First Order was quiet, which didn't surprise her after they lost such a major weapon. But still, she felt uneasy about the silence. They were plotting, and –

"General?" Leia glanced up as Statura moved forward. "You need to know how sorry I am for everything that happened yesterday. I… I understand if you feel betrayed for what the council tried to do to your son."

"From what I heard, you and Ackbar were the only ones who opposed the order for execution."

"We were, but we should've done more. Maybe I could have persuaded –"

"There was nothing you could've done," she interrupted. "It was a majority vote, and Vassena was the one who brought it to the table." Leia couldn't believe such a decision was based on a majority rule instead of it being unanimous. It was one of many things that slipped into the constitution on the back of another long bill, a method Leia deplored because the Senate needed to be trustworthy, not guileful.

Now that she knew about the addendum, the fix was a priority _._

_Except, the New Republic was a shadow of what it used to be._

The man shifted his weight from one leg to the other. "Still…."

The sweat on Statura's brow made it evident that her friend and confidant was ridden with guilt. But Leia understood that everything that transpired yesterday was not his fault. "I know what my son has done, and I understand why individuals would be calling for his death."

Statura shook his head slowly. "But the decision happened without your knowledge," he stated quietly.

"Yes, it did."

He searched her composed face. "Are you going to seek any repercussions?"

Leia chuckled, because she had put much thought into punishing those who had wanted her son's head. Most scenarios involved her slapping a bunch of council members, but such toddler reactions wouldn't go over very well. She could fantasize, though. "If we weren't in the middle of a war, I would… but no. I appointed all those people to the council for a reason. They are among the smartest and most strategic minds I know. And that includes you."

"I'm sorry, Leia.

"I know, and I don't blame you for any of it. If anything, I'm proud of you for sticking by me." Statura stood a little straighter. "And I still need you for counsel and advice. I hope you're still up for hearing me air my frustrations from time to time," Leia said as a grin played on her lips.

"Of course I am," Statura stated with pride. "I'd follow you anywhere, general."

()()()()()

Rey shimmied up to where her head could rest on the pillow next to Ben's tranquil face. His arms were heavy bars around her torso, making it difficult to move, but she was eager to study him. This was an important part of her morning routine: wake up, lay close, and wonder why his appeal never looked this young and innocent throughout the day.

Ben's long, narrow face ended with a sharp chin, and Rey was oh so tempted to rub her fingers against his jaw, wanting to feel his morning stubble. Instead, she counted every mole and every line that was etched into his skin, her stare lingering on the scar that bisected his face. He wore it well, the evidence of their violent encounter. It was very much a part of him, blending into his appearance to the point where it wasn't the first thing Rey noticed whenever she saw him.

But in these quiet moments, it always brought up the memory of how it got there.

Lightly, Rey brushed his hair away from his neck, getting a full view of his fanned out ear. She found it endearing how he made an effort to hide them, always making sure his soft curls covered what he believed to be a flaw. Rey liked his ears, though. It made him look more human, and that comforted her.

Resting her hand down between them, Rey thought of how they hadn't seen a lot of each other over the last week. During the last five days, Ben's time had been heavily sequestered by the council, divulging anything and everything he knew about the First Order. The mornings and nights were the only time they were able to see one another. Rey ended up being the one who did most of the talking. She knew he didn't want to go into detail about his day by the way his jaw hardened and shoulders tensed. So Rey rarely asked.

Shifting in bed, Ben rolled around and took the covers with him, wrapping his body in a snug cocoon.

Rey sighed.

Ben had the annoying attribute of being a blanket thief throughout the night. Usually, she would just tug at the sheets and Ben would eventually loosen his grip. But this time, Rey was content with feeling the cool air on her drenched body. Turned out, Ben was a human furnace, rivaling even the hottest days on Jakku. It was a mystery how the man had lived this long without combusting into flame.

_No wonder he loved cold climates._

Rey's sweat dried rather quickly against the frigid air, causing her to shiver. She went to work prying a part of the blanket out from under Ben so she could borrow some of his bustling warmth. As she pulled, his shirt wadded up to his shoulder blades, giving her a good view of his creamy back. Ben was careful about keeping himself covered around her, even during the night. There were those few glimpses in which she saw him without a shirt, the most prevalent being in the ocean on Spira.

_Mmmmmm…_

Come to think of it, she'd never actually received a good view of his back. Not even during all the fighting on Ahch-To. And Ben's back was a _very_ good view. But what were the streaks on his skin?

Through the dim light, Rey could make out faint, white lines. Her curious fingers caressed the marks, knowing by the raised skin that they were scars. Scooting further down, eyes straining, she saw that there were an alarmingly high amount of them. Some were long, some were short, and she couldn't stop her fingers from feeling each one.

Her mind wanted to know the story behind each and every mark.

"Rey," Ben breathed. Rey snatched her hand away, remembering how he told her she needed to keep her roaming hands to a minimum while in bed together.

Rolling back around, he looked down at her with heavy lids, his eyes glazed over by sleep. Or… was it sleep that was making him look at her like that? No… no, it wasn't. She was getting better at deciphering his gazes, and this was one of the I-want-you kind.

But he never did anything about it, and her frustration was growing to the point of desperation.

Rey rubbed her body against him. He closed his eyes and groaned. Something hard pressed against her belly, firing up a heat deep within her core. Rey was inexperienced in life, but she knew enough about basic anatomy to know what was going on below Ben's waist.

He wiggled away from her, melding so close to the wall that if he went any further, he'd be wearing the metal as an extra layer of skin. "You shouldn't do that," he whispered with a whole lot of do-it-again in his eyes.

"You liked it," she teased, closing the margin between them by placing her chest against his.

"That's why you shouldn't do it," he said hoarsely as he pulled her closer, his body disobeying his request.

"But"–she gave him a languid kiss–"I liked it."

In one quick, fluid movement, Ben parted her legs with his knee and positioned himself on top of her, leaving her mind to play catch up as to what was happening. Her body seemed to be aware of the setting, however, as her arms wrapped around his broad shoulders, gluing him to her willing frame.

Holding him, Rey briefly thought of the pain he must have gone through while receiving those scars. She wanted to lend him some of her strength, give him shelter in her arms from all the harrowing memories of his past. As she stroked his hair with one hand and his revealed back with the other, he lowered his head to her neck.

In the comforting silence, Rey felt the past and present blend together, but she knew it was all just a mirage; she had witnessed enough of those on Jakku to recognize the false feeling. There was no comforting the boy he once was – nothing could sugar coat a person's experiences. But she had the man that boy had grown into and for a brief moment of fantasy, Rey imagined that she would never let him go.

Nuzzling into her morning hair, Ben's nose trailed up her neck, stopping at her ear before going back down again. "I love waking up next to you," he whispered, his breath warming her skin, his words melting her heart. "You're so beautiful."

Arching her back, she elicited a grunt out of his lips. Rey relished in the knowledge that he could react to her in such a pleasurable way. Around Ben, Rey was a woman – not a scavenger, not an apprentice, not a pawn in a deadly game. She was just a simple woman, who was sincerely wanted by a man.

Pushing his shirt fully up to his shoulders, she tugged forcibly, letting him know she wanted the barrier off. Ben grabbed her arm, making her stop. "Come on," she protested. Well, more like whined. "Is there something wrong with wanting to see more of you?"

Ben chuckled. "I thought we agreed –"

"No, I didn't agree to anything." Ben drew back, resting his weight on his forearms, gazing down at her. "You were the one who set these boundaries."

"Do you know what would happen if they weren't there?" His tone sounded like he was stating the obvious to a child, and Rey didn't like when he treated her like an unsullied little girl.

Even though she kinda was.

Every night she spent with Ben, the more Rey wanted to rectify the situation that was her inexperience. "Yes, I do know what would happen, and that's what I'm kind of going for here."

Ben smirked. "I feel like we've had this conversation before."

"We have. Like, five times already." Rey sighed out her frustration. "Sometimes… I feel like you treat me like I'm a kid or something."

"What?" Ben sat back, resting his rear on his heels as Rey's legs remained sprawled out on the bed. Placing his hands on her calves, he rubbed them up and down in a way he probably wasn't consciously aware of.

Rey rubbed her eyes. "It's just… you make these rules we have to follow and sometimes talk to me like I'm a child. It makes me feel belittled, to be honest."

Ben froze, and then slowly frowned so hard his brows almost came together. "I… uh… I don't mean to make you feel that way. Sometimes, I get so fixated on how young you are –"

"I'm an adult."

"I know, but –"

Rey raised her body slightly with her arms as her annoyance cut him off. "I've been an adult since I was five. I didn't have anyone to take care of me, except me. I had to do –"

"Rey, I know. That's not what I mean." He leaned in. "You've gone through more than most people have in their entire lifetime. What I'm trying to say is… there are things you haven't experienced because of your life of isolation. The galaxy is a big place."

Rey narrowed her lids. "You're alluding to sex, aren't you?"

Ben choked on his own spit, which threw him into a coughing fit.

Rey waited for him to regain his equilibrium.

"Well," Ben smacked his lips, "I appreciate your candor. And yes, that would be one of the things I'm 'alluding' to."

"You know, pointing out how naïve you think I am comes off as patronizing."

Ben scrubbed his face with his palms as he breathed deeply out of his nose. "I am not being patronizing."

"No?" 

Ben scrutinized her unyielding stare while licking his lips in thought. He grabbed the hem of his shirt and swooped it off, tossing it onto the floor.

Rey's eyes betrayed her irritation by eating up every curve and valley of his chest, wondering down to his very low waist band that revealed the V of his pelvis. A spark of craving licked up her spine, shooting heat between her legs.

"You're trying to distract me," she said, her voice cracking.

"I'm not _trying_ to distract you," his husky tone vibrated from his chest as he crawled up her body. "I _am_ distracting you." He leaned in and she tilted her head to fit him perfectly against her lips. His kiss was fond, a tether between the two that truly meant something more than just lips meeting. The sweet meld was deep and necessary, making her feel like she was at last coming up for air after an age of living underwater.

Ben's hand weaved into her hair, giving a sweet tug as he dug deeper into her tresses. Sweeping her palms over his back, his skin was criminally smooth – albeit for the scars – as she soothed him into resting his full weight on top of her. Her knees were up and legs cracked wide to accommodate his heft, but all of it felt so natural, so right to do.

Without warning, he grinded against her core. Rey gasped from the sudden roughness. "I'm sorry," he said hoarsely between kisses. "I couldn't help it."

"Keep going."

Ben drew back, looking absolutely dazed, his breathing now full fledged panting. Before he could object, Rey kissed him. She didn't want to think or decide or contemplate, because she couldn't have done those things even if she tried.

Wrapping him in her legs, he moved against her again, trying to hold back his moans as he kept going. She needed that breath he was holding. It belonged to her, and she wanted him to groan so she could have it back.

Lifting her hips and meeting his rhythm, the friction down below gave her pleasure she never knew existed. Passion pulled them closer, transferring his lips to the sensitive flesh at her neck, sucking and biting as the grinding became more intense.

All this contact truly meant more to Rey than what was just going on with her body. She was sharing this moment with a special someone that consumed her thoughts, rocked her being, and awakened her individuality. Every nibble on her ear, every touch of his hand was electric, cosmic. She felt it everywhere as it stirred her emotions, her heart, her very soul.

Ben's hand dipped below her shirt, wondering up her ribcage, zeroing in on its target –

 _Tap, tap, tap_.

They froze, his hand halting at the edge of her chest wrap.

"Master Ben?" Threepio called from the other side of the door.

"Shit," Ben cursed and raised his head to the door. "What?" he yelled out, not hiding his aggravation.

"May I come in?"

Ben sighed and looked down at Rey before peeling himself off of her.

"Hold on," he said to the door, and then eyed her.

"I'll go into the 'fresher and change into the clothes I brought over," Rey said gloomily.

Ben helped her up, both looking at each other longingly. Grabbing her face, he kissed her lightly and then rested his forehead against hers. As they parted, Rey felt the cold of the room, an unappealing feeling compared to the warmth Ben had given, both physically and sensually.

Her head was still dizzy from being so close to him.

Going into the refresher, Rey took her time changing and combing out the knots in her hair. She had no idea what his family droid was doing here, but she wanted to give him privacy to deal with whatever was going on. The murmuring only lasted a short minute before the room fell silent.

Ben knocked on the refresher door and she told him she was decent. Once the barrier slid up, it was revealed that he was still shirtless... which was totally fine with her.

"Is everything okay?" she asked before starting to wash her face.

Ben ground his teeth before speaking. "You know how I've been trying to see the general over the last week?"

Rey splashed her face with water. "Yeah."

"I guess Threepio is now her personal messenger droid. He came to tell me that she's going to be tied up over the next few days."

Rey dried her face and looked over to see Ben's distance stare. "You think she's avoiding you?"

He glanced over. "If she is, I don't blame her." They fell silent as she began brushing her teeth, making sure not to make a mess in Ben's neat and organized space. "You should go soon. Wouldn't want someone to see you leaving my room."

Stars, wasn't that the truth. People were already talking about them, no need to give them fuel for the fire of gossip.

Rey spat and rinsed. "You're lucky you have such a nice room, even if it is among the officers. Mine doesn't have a refresher in it," she said, looking around at the decent sized shower, the roomy counter space next to the sink, and the clean toilet. Rey wasn't complaining by any means. She'd gone her whole life without a washroom. She was merely making an observation to keep Ben's mind off the fact that his mother was ignoring him.

Ben frowned. "It doesn't?"

"Nope. The 'fresher I use is a common one."

His brows flared. "Common. As in males and females share it?"

 _Uhhhh…_ "Yeah. That's what 'common' means."

He glanced down at the bag next to her feet. Rey brought it every night when she came to him, that way she didn't have to sneak back to her room in the morning and risk someone seeing her. Jess never asked why she didn't sleep in their room, which she appreciated. Her roommate had to be suspicious of what was going on, but kept it to herself. Poe, on the other hand, knew where Rey was going every night. After all, it was him who told her when to go to Ben's room and which route was less likely to get her caught. Rey had an inkling the guy had dabbled in his fair share of midnight rendezvous.

 _Poor Jess…._ Her infatuation with Poe was so obvious.

"You should use my refresher whenever you need one," Ben suggested. "It would give you more privacy."

Rey started to pack up her clothes and toiletries when she said, "You just don't want me to share a bathroom with other people."

"No, I don't want you sharing a bathroom with other men."

Rey scoffed. "Please. All the other girls have been perfectly fine and I will be, too." She zipped up the duffle, but Ben was the one who picked it up, like she somehow couldn't do it herself.

"You underestimate your appeal. You're the most beautiful girl on this base and trust me when I say I know what men think about when they see you. No need to tempt them more by showering in the stall next to them."

She rolled her eyes. "Nothing has happened –"

"The showers are timed, right?"

Rey looked at him, confused. "Yeah."

"If you came here, you could take as long as you want. I know you love the hot water, and mine seems to be unlimited."

Rey analyzed his insistent face, sensing that he was holding back on being forceful. "You're really good at getting your way, you know that?"

He came closer, hope blooming in his expression. "Does that mean you'll come here?"

Having access to her own private refresher was way too appealing to pass up, Rey realized. _Well, it would mostly be private._ "Yes, I will. But I have to warn you, I shed a lot of hair. It's not going to be ideal for your drain." She lived for the times she got to take a shower each day, but dealing with all that hair in the drain? Yuck. Not ideal. Not in the slightest.

Ben encroached on her space, his swollen, reddened lips smiling because she'd caved into his demand. "I don't care. And I think you forget how much hair I have, too."

Yeah, he did have a lot of hair. So maybe sharing a washroom wouldn't be too bad…. The only problem was Ben liked to keep everything extremely clean and tidy, while Rey's space always looked unorganized. Guess she'll have to learn to clean up after herself.

Rey followed Ben into the room, getting an uninterrupted view of his back.

"Hey, how did you get those scars on your back?"

Ben stopped halfway to the bed. Rey inwardly scolded herself for not regulating her tongue. It was a waste of time to ask such things. Ben rarely spoke about anything from his past.

Choosing to let it go, she walked passed him and picked up her comms link on the floor by the bedpost.

"When I joined the First Order, I had to be… broken or worn down, as it was put," he stated delicately.

The shock that he answered her stole Rey's voice for a moment, but as she twisted around to face him, her vocal chords rebooted back to life.

"Broken? Like an animal?" she asked, disgusted.

He walked over and placed her brown overnight bag on the bed. "Somewhat."

The Force help her, but Rey needed more details. If Ben was willing to give answers, then she was going to keep asking. "What did the process entail?"

With the bags handle still in hand, he picked at the fabric. "Beatings, torture, mental stuff I don't even know how to describe. It all got the job done."

And to think he had volunteered for all of it.

"Those scars weren't from someone's fists," she pointed out.

He shook his head. "No, they're either from a blade or an electro-whip. I'm not entirely sure; it all just blended together. Sometimes I was allowed to heal myself, other times I wasn't. Hence all the evidence."

The conversation paused, and then Rey asked, "You wanted to go through this?"

His nod broke her heart. "I requested it. I was done being who I was. I wanted to be someone else, and Snoke gave me that." Ben lowered onto the bed, looking down at the floor beneath his feet. "I'm not going to lie, though. I questioned my decision a lot in the beginning, especially during the parts where I felt like I was dying."

"But you stuck with it."

"I had nowhere else to go, so I stayed." His eyes, now lifeless, gave her a view of the void she knew was inside. Kneeling down in front of him, she rested her arms on his knees, her stare drawing his attention.

"That's not true anymore, because now we have each other." Rey went in and kissed him chastely, feeling in that undeniable moment that her soul had found its mate.

Even though Ben's life was more twisted and disturbing then her own, Rey could relate to how Ben had chosen to stay in his predicament based on the belief that there was nothing else out there for him.

Now, he needed help in finding his way back.


	39. Reunion of Sorts

Ren sat on the edge of the bed, his sight roaming over his new room on the base. It was plain, like the one on the cruiser, but the walls were a metallic silver rather than white. Poe had acquired him a good amount of clothes, all stuffed in the closet and dresser to his left. Black was the running theme of the attire, which more than satisfied his aversion to light colors.

Rey had left only after Ren convinced her that he was all right. He was sure she didn't believe him. He didn't even believe himself. Drudging up his time with the First Order had brought about conflicting feelings: he missed living as Kylo Ren, and at the same time, he wished he'd never gone through the process to become him.

Ren headed to the refresher, stripping off his loose sweats and leaving them on the tile floor. The air turned thick and humid as he stepped under the hot spray, going through the motions of lathering his hair and body. Placing his hands against the slick wall, he hung his head underneath the water, letting it cascade down his nose and jaw.

Then, after years of discipline, he gave in and touched himself.

Getting that physical with Rey made it impossible to resist the urge to pleasure himself, and he couldn't think of a good reason not to. Ren thought of Rey throughout the whole process. After it was over, guilt tore at him for using her to meet such carnal needs.

Ren was still hard after he came, another release begging to get out, like this suppressed part of himself was trying to make up for lost time. But he withdrew his hand and concentrated on getting his thoughts together. He wasn't the type of person to give into such cravings easily, and he hated himself for being weak.

But… Rey had been so resplendent under his body.

_Stop._

Closing his eyes and breathing deeply, Ren replayed the last week in his mind in an effort to get his head out from below his waist and onto his shoulders.

Question. Answer. Question. Answer.

Some more questions.

Some more answers, with maybe a snide remark thrown into the narrative. Those five days had been impatiently repetitive: ten hours of being confined to a tight room, taking his meals at the small table he rested his arms upon. At the end of each day, it was a miracle his rear hadn't sustained permanent nerve damage from all the relentless sitting. His request to get up and pace around during the process had been denied – probably because it made him seem more aggressive. Which was maybe one of the reasons why he'd wanted to wear his soles into the steel floor.

All of the lazy stand-still had tested Ren's patience, for he'd always been someone who was constantly on the move. The inactivity and being locked in that room had reminded him too much of the bureaucracy and politicians who were more than worthless at improving the galaxy.

The Resistance already knew most of the First Orders inner workings, with him adding specific planets they got resources from and where the Star Destroyers preferred to dwell. He would keep his answer specifically to the question, never embellishing or going into explicit detail. It did surprise them to hear that the Order had already established a line of contact with the Core Worlds.

Ren wondered how the Resistance was going to handle that piece of worrisome information.

Once he was told he could leave the cruiser and go down to the base, there were things he still hadn't revealed to them. But hey, they didn't ask the right questions.

He expected a summons back to the interrogation room any day now.

The only respite to the sessions was that Ren got to sleep with Rey in his arms and woke the next morning to her snuggling against him.

Ren's arrival on the base had happened well into the night. Most of the day personnel were already well into their slumber, leaving the few night troopers to have a gander at the mythical man. Poe gave him and Rey a tour of the place. Ren had put on a face of interest, but really, he was dispassionate about the whole excursion. His disbelief of actually being on a Resistance base overshadowed the fact that he should be learning the layout, since he was going to be living here for a while.

At the end, Rey and him had to part ways. Ren didn't even try to hide his disapproval. But Rey wanted to see Jess and catch up with her.

Since the two girls were bunking together, wouldn't they have more than enough time to talk later?

But Ren kept those thoughts to himself as they left him in his own private quarters in the officers section. The council hadn't wanted to put him among the mass population of soldiers and at this, Ren didn't put up a fight. His own private quarters with his own refresher? No argument from him.

If they dangled more incentives like this in front of his face, maybe he would be more inclined to be a proper human being while residing here.

Until then, he needed to figure out how to sneak Rey into his room. It went against the no-commingling-after-hours policy on base, but he held close to no respect for the Resistance and their rules.

Like a wish fulfilled from above, Rey came to his room before he fell asleep, pride showing on her face over not being caught.

Ren had meant it when he said he'd meet her for breakfast, but now that reality was just beyond that door, it was hard to get his body to the exit. Not one to ever skirmish from a fight, he found himself now dreading being among the ire of so many people.

With a towel wrapped around his waist, Ren sat on the bed, lost in his thoughts long enough to miss first meal.

He eventually stood, his stomach growling in disapproval at the decision not to feed it. He would have to ignore the protests, because during the last couple of hours of contemplation, Ren decided there was someone he needed to talk to first. As he pulled on his trousers, a sharp rap came from the door. It opened without Ren's approval, allowing Poe to walk into the room like he owned the place.

BB-8 rolled in, saying hello to Ren in a beep that sounded way too chipper.

"Getting dressed?" Poe asked as he watched Ren slide on a shirt. He'd forgotten that the door had been programmed to be unable to lock, and Ren made a mental reminder to get dressed in the refresher from now on.

"You are more observant than usual," he responded dryly, getting into the closet to grab a pair of socks and boots.

"Good thing I didn't let Rey come get you or you two might've been stuck in here for hours."

Ren paused and slowly turned around, boots and socks in hand. His eyes pinched as he said, "It's not like that."

 _It_ was _almost like that this morning_ , an inner voice mocked.

Poe didn't believe him. "Uh huh. Sure. From one guy to another, just make sure you don't get caught sneaking around at night. Or I guess I should make sure Rey is still using the route I told her about, since she's the one who always comes here. I doubt you two want to do anything in front of Jess –"

Ren cut him off. "Is there a reason for this unwanted visit?"

"Actually, there is." Poe pointed at BB-8. "Meet your new chauffeur. I can't keep taking you everywhere; I do have a life, you know."

Looking at the duo, Ren almost laughed at the absurdity. "I don't need a babysitter," he said as he moved to the bed. "The chip in my arm is sufficient enough."

"But look at how adorable he is. All the girls on base faun over the little guy."

Ren sat and started to sheath his feet with the socks and boots. "You might use the droid to pick up women, but that is the last thing I want to do here."

Poe set his jaw, his demeanor growing serious and matching his low tone. "Look, there is talk that there's going to be an attempt on your life. Could just be made up, but I can't be sure. Most people here are afraid of you and won't get in your way, but there are some who want to get revenge for what happened to the Hosnian system. I'd feel better if you let BB-8 be with you during the day."

Ren remained seated as the droid looked at him expectantly, silently pleading even though he had no expression to show it. "How is a droid supposed to be useful to me if I get cornered?"

" _I helped you in Jorfel's home when you went after those thugs,"_ BB-8 beeped _. "I can be useful."_

True, the little guy did zap one of them, giving Ren an advantage.

Poe moved closer to the droid. "People underestimate BB-8 because of his size, but he has some tricks in that metal cylinder of his. Also, he can alert us if something is happening."

Ren sighed, running a hand roughly through his mostly dry hair. Considering that he more than anticipated some form of retaliation, having a witness wouldn't be such a horrible idea. As long as he wasn't the one who started the fight.

" _I won't try to talk to you, I promise. I remember how you preferred silence._ " BB-8's binary was fast and anxious and Ren could tell that the droid worried for his safety – just like his owner.

"Fine," Ren relented, thinking that BB-8's company was better than an actual person.

"I knew there was a reasonable person below all that pride," Poe said satirically. "Got any plans today?"

Ren stood and walked into the refresher. "Yes." He grabbed his toothbrush and began scrubbing his teeth like there was an inch of grime coating the enamel. The bristles on the new brush were already flattening, reminding him that he needed to cool it when it came to dental hygiene.

Ren scrubbed harder.

Poe appeared and Ren watched the guy through the mirror as he leaned against the wall. "Are you going to elaborate, or am I supposed to guess?" Poe met his stare in the reflection.

Ren didn't answer.

Poe interpreted his silence as refusal to talk. "Will it get you into trouble?" the pilot asked.

Ren spat, sloshed water in his mouth, and then spat some more. "No," he said before drying off with the hand towel. "I'm just going to go talk to someone."

"Someone, as in…."

Turning and orienting his weight against the sink, Ren said, "The stormtrooper."

Poe blinked. "Sorry, I must've hear you wrong because you couldn't have possibly just said the stormtrooper."

Ren nodded. "No. You heard correctly." He walked past Poe and went to the closet to grab the comm link he'd been issued. The piece of scrap metal couldn't transmit outside of the base, but he could tinker with it to boost its capabilities.

But he wasn't going to. No one out there he wanted to contact.

"Yeah… I'm thinking you should probably outsource that… preferably to someone who is less inclined to murder him," Poe argued, trailing after him.

"I'm tired of seeing Rey sad over someone who's been treating her like bantha shit. So I'm taking care of this myself," Ren said as he went out into the hall, making a hard right.

Poe's footfalls and BB-8's whizzing were close behind. "And you think talking to him is going to fix their relationship?"

Ren stared straight ahead, passing a few officers who wouldn't meet his stare. "Why not? I'm the reason he doesn't talk to her."

Poe sped up to walk by his side. "Okay… I'll go with you."

Ren went left down a corridor, not knowing exactly where the stormtrooper would be, but he was going to start by going in the general direction of the training facility. He didn't want to ask Poe for directions. He needed to appear like he had everything under control. And by the fact that the pilot wasn't correcting his path, Ren deduced he was taking the correct route.

"I thought you have a life to live that doesn't revolve around me?" Ren said offhandedly.

"I can finagle my schedule around," Poe insisted.

As they went through a wide door, Ren's senses immediately heightened from the crowded hallway. Walking into the horde, his scrupulous vision picked up movement all over the place, shooting his paranoia with an extra dose of panic. He hated non-threatening crowds – not just because he picked up their thoughts like a radio frequency, but because he was less capable of sensing an attack.

Loose clothes flapped from fast-footed bodies, their shadows darting around from the blaring lights above, casting shadows that looked like people with blasters. Or grenades. Or all kinds of sharp and shiny things.

Ren preferred a more open setting to fight in. That way, he had a shot at sensing the danger easily. In here, at a base he was unaccustomed to, people had resources he was unfamiliar with and that made him twitchy.

Gods, he missed his lightsaber. He would've even accepted a blaster at this point.

"Nothing is going to happen," Ren assured Poe as they bumped and shuffled through the dense bodies. "I'm not going to do anything stupid."

"You mean stupider."

"Semantics," Ren said impassively.

Grabbing his arm, Poe stopped Ren and yanked him to the side, out of the direct heavy traffic. Ren's first instinct was to lock onto Poe's arm and break the elbow with an upward thrust, but he skipped the idea. He still didn't like to be touched, and it would appear that violent impulses were hard to kick.

Man, when was the last time he beat someone? Like, with his actual fists?

Ren's knuckles ached to be unleashed.

Getting into his personal space, Poe locked onto his eyes. "Swear that you will not hurt him. If he comes at you, you don't fight back."

 _No self-defense?_ "I'm just supposed to let him hit me?"

Poe's expression showed a whole lot of "duh". "After everything you've done to him? Yeah. Now swear to me you won't hurt him, or I'm coming with you."

Too many people were catching on to how he cherished keeping his word. Actually, scratch that. Two people were catching on, but that was already two too many. "I promise, alright? I won't hurt the guy."

The pilot gave him a stern stare, the kind a suspecting parent would give to their shifty child. "If you do, I'm comin' after you."

"I do not doubt that."

Taking a deep breath, Poe stepped back, nodding his head slowly. "Okay… good. But keep what you have to say short and try to make it so you two can stand to be in the same room as each other. We all notice the death glares you two exchange. It's rather uncomfortable for the rest of us."

"Wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable."

"You sadistic bastard," Poe said, his mouth seizing as he fought back a grin.

"Actually, I am a legitimate son. But you got the sadistic part right."

"Well, how about you drag your sadistic ass to lunch in a couple hours. Wouldn't want Rey doing it for you."

"I'll be there."

"You better," Poe muttered as he turned and walked the way they came, taking a right to head to one of the hangars. Ren resumed his search with his new little companion, finding it to be a little more complicated than he presumed to find the trooper.

On a part of the base that was far away from his quarters – or sanity – he found FN-2187. It had taken some asking around, and for someone to not shy away from him, to finally be told where the guy was.

Striding up to the door, Ren didn't wait or second guess his decision.

This confrontation wasn't only needed, it was necessary.

()()()()()

Finn flipped through the profiles of his troopers, going over the reports on how they were acclimating to their new jobs among the Resistance. Thanks to the rigorous training brought to them by the First Order, each soldier had a specific skill set and was now putting their knowledge to good use.

In the beginning of the ESC, Finn had basically just been their babysitter. Now, he was officially their superior, helping to place them in jobs that were suitable for everyone.

Everyday, Finn went through the rounds of visiting each individual, following up with their commanding officers to make sure their transitions were going smoothly. On more than one occasion, a fight had broken out and Finn had been called in for damage control. So far, only Resistance soldiers had been the instigators. Finn hoped and prayed the roles never switched. The last thing he needed was for more people to become prejudice against them.

Overseeing the integration of the stormtroopers was taxing and took up the majority of Finn's time, but he found an immense satisfaction in helping those he could relate too. This life was new and different than anything they had ever known, and he wanted all his soldiers to excel at their second chance.

If he could help them with that, Finn would be content.

Well, mostly. Rey still plagued his thoughts.

The steel door slid open without any prelude of a knock. Kylo Ren stood in the entryway. The man's face was cold, with only a hint of hatred behind those dark eyes. It confused Finn to see BB-8 by his side, but he decided to keep the questions to himself.

"Look at you, moving up in the galaxy, getting your own private _closet_ ," the man sneered.

Closet was pronounced harshly, the word heightening Finn's aggravation to the ceiling. Or up into space.

"What do you want," Finn all but growled as he placed the datapad on the desk.

Ren arched an eyebrow, amused by Finn's reaction to his presence. Not one to ever act predictably, the guy took a quick stroll around the room, which consisted of two steps to the right and two steps to the left. Kylo hadn't been exaggerating on how small the space was, but Finn was grateful for whatever her could get.

"This place is just as sparse as your loyalty," Ren griped as his calculating eyes moved around the naked walls. Finn ignored the obvious jab, instead choosing to stay seated, waiting for the psycho to reveal his intentions for coming here.

It sure as hell didn't consist of reminiscing about the First Order.

"Mind if I take a seat?"

"Yes."

Ren parked his rear on the rickety chair, annoying the trooper with a flagrant disregard for his answer. BB-8 rolled up next to him, its small domed head whirling between him and Kylo.

"You and I need to talk."

Finn's lips thinned. "And here I thought you came to finish what you did to me on Starkiller."

"Tempting… but no." Kylo sat back, arms crossing over his chest, lounging in a way that made it seem like he was going to be there for a while. "This get together has to do with Rey."

"Get out," Finn snarled.

Ren crossed his legs ankle to knee. "Or what? You'll force me?"

"I'm not talking about this with you."

"Rey misses you and you need to stop being an ass towards her."

Finn was flabbergasted by the accusation. "You're accusing me of being an ass?"

Ren shrugged. "Takes one to know one."

"If Rey wants to talk with me, she knows where to find me."

"Yeah, like she's going to do that with how hard you shut her down the last time."

"So you took it upon yourself to intervene for her?"

"Since I'm the reason you won't even look at her, yes, I chose to intervene."

Finn's stare narrowed. "She doesn't know you're here, does she?"

"No, and I want to keep it that way. So how about you go and apologize and be friends with her again," Kylo said, like it was something so simple to do.

"Why do you even care? You don't even like me."

"True, but I care about her."

"So, what… I'm supposed to hang out with her and ignore you're even there? Am I just supposed to forget who you are? What you've done?" The raw mechanics of how Kylo lived his previous life sickened Finn down to the marrow… probably because he actually had a strong conscience, unlike Ren.

Also, Finn would have never murdered his own father.

Kylo's lips thinned. "I didn't take you to be a pious person. If you recall, you were once a member of the First Order, too."

Finn's eyebrows shot up, wrinkling his forehead and peeling his eyes wide. "I've never murdered anyone, unlike you," he said in a raised tone.

The eyes of the bastard didn't so much as focus on Finn as bore right through to the back of his skull. "You were at that village."

Finn bit back. "You know I never fired my weapon – that that was the first time I was out in the field."

Ren rolled his eyes, a childish gesture that somehow made him seem more human. "And I'm supposed to know everything about your life? You're a stormtrooper, a nobody."

Finn regarded the guy steadily. "I think I'm more than a nobody to you, given the fact that you hate me. You could've killed me so easily during that fight, but you played me instead."

Ren's arms tightened around over his body, like they were the only barriers keeping him from lunging at Finn. "You were a traitor –"

"Traitor?" Finn exclaimed as he leaned forward, resting his weight on the desk. "You still playing that tune? If you haven't noticed, you're a traitor, too." A thought that had been percolating through his brain from watching Ren interact with other people resurfaced. And he couldn't find a reason not to voice it. "Terr, Garreaus, Liz… they're all traitors, but for some reason, you're the most hostile towards me. Why is that?"

Ren's temples protruded and Finn could have sworn a knuckle cracked from how tight the guy's fists curled. "Go apologize to Rey."

Finn tilted his head, feeling satisfied that he somehow got the upper hand during the conversation. "And if I don't?"

"Then I'll make you. You haven't seen how much this rift between the two of you is hurting her. I have to watch her cry over you, and I would prefer that to stop."

That piece of info was as jarring as a slap to the face, but Finn tried not to let it show. "You know, threats won't incline me to be her friend." But sure as fodder his guilt would, cause he really didn't want to be the reason Rey cried.

"I know. But you want to be her friend again, so therefore, you will be. You don't like knowing that you're the cause for her sadness." Finn tensed and Ren grinned unpleasantly. "And yes, I did read your thoughts for that little tidbit of information."

The wicked smile spread wider, an expression that looked more creepy than arrogant. Finn's stare didn't waver. "This doesn't change anything between us," Finn declared as he started to consider if he could handle being around this monster while hanging with Poe and Rey.

"I don't want it to, but I expect us to tolerate each other from here on out. You can go about hating me all you want, I really don't care."

_Good, cause that won't ever change._

"Are you and Rey really just friends?" Finn asked before he could sensor his mouth. The answer could either be good, or make him want to vomit.

Ren showed no offense, so either he was a magnificent actor worthy of making it big, or he had already prepared for this particular inquiry. "Is that what she told you?" Finn nodded. Kylo unfurled his arms and rubbed his hands against his thighs before resting them on his knees. He shrugged. "Then that's what we are."

"But you want more, don't you?"

Guiding his elbows onto his knees, Kylo listed forward, watching the trooper below lowered brows. "Talk to Poe and talk to Rey. Fix it." He stood, going for the exit, BB-8 staying close to his heels.

"Watch your back out there," Finn said. Kylo stopped, glancing over his shoulder. "Some people on the base are gunning for you."

"I can take care of myself, but I appreciate the concern," Ren said with contrived gratitude.

"If you die, Rey will be a walking ghost. So actually, the concern is genuine."

_It just doesn't originate with you._

Kylo chuckled, like he'd heard what Finn had thought.

_Can he –_

"Only when you make the thought really clear. See you around, buckethead."

The door shut, leaving Finn alone.

Not only would Finn have to deal with being around that prick, but now he'll have to worry about the man reading his thoughts. But he would have to put up with it, because he couldn't keep living like this. With each passing day, Finn saw the error in how he'd been treating Rey and Poe. Sure, they lied to him, but after trying to deny it, Finn understood why they had.

Finn and Kylo Ren had a tumultuous history… but so had Poe, Rey and Ren and they all somehow looked past it.

Taking a deep breath, he hung his head back, allowing him a clear shot of the matte ceiling above. It wasn't even the afternoon yet, and already his bones felt like they were being weighed down by lead.

()()()()()

The cold, stagnant air of the hallway felt good on Rey's face, her sinuses clearing, her mind relaxing. It had been hot in the training center as she spent hours working through various forms and dueling with Master Skywalker. Thanks to all kinds of heavily forged neuropathways, her agility and reflexes were becoming sharper, her limber body starting to follow her commands with electric speed.

Rey hoofed her way to the mess hall for lunch, trying to ignore the curious glances that shot her way. She could hear the whispers, see the muddled conversations that always started up when she was around. Ignoring the stares had been her first reaction, but the more it happened, the harder it was to do. Information spread throughout this place like wildfire, and everyone was speculating about her and Kylo Ren.

Rey's muscles ached with every step, but the discomfort just reminded her how strong she was becoming. She focused on that piece of knowledge as she neared the dining hall entrance.

"Rey?"

She halted mid stride, causing someone to walk right into. After exchanging apologies, she wheeled to the left to see a timid Finn. His hands were shoved into his pockets, his shoulders slumped in a way that made him look out of place.

He was nervous.

"Finn… hi," she spoke lamely as he closed the chasm between them. Staring at him, he shuffled from side to side, his discomfort becoming more apparent.

"I, uh, was wondering if you had a minute," he said as he motioned her off to the side, both struggling against the tide of hungry soldiers wanting to get to the cafeteria.

"How are you doing?" Finn asked once they found a quiet corner to converse.

"Good. I had training this morning and it went really well. I'm getting a lot better with my lightsaber. So, yeah… I'm doing good," she reiterated awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.

Finn glanced around, taking in a drag of air. "Look... I'm sorry. Really, I'm just... really sorry."

It took a few seconds for her brain to catch up with her ears, but once the two connected, Rey's heart rocketed into her throat. "You're… you're apologizing?"

Finn nodded. "Yeah, I am. I've been thinking of myself throughout all of this and haven't taken into account how complicated this must be for you. I don't understand how you can trust Ren... but I do know I can trust you." He paused before softly adding, "You're a good person."

But she wasn't, not when it came to him. "Finn, I am so sorry for keeping the truth from you. I really am."

"I know and I understand why you did." They fell silent and she watched his throat bob up and down as he swallowed. "You, uh… wanna still be friends? Cause I was hoping–"

"Yes." She gripped his arm firmly, her smile almost cutting her face in half. "Yes, I do. And I'll talk to Ben and sort everything out –"

"No need. Him and I talked."

Rey blanched, then quickly inspected his body for injury. After concluding that Ben didn't try to kill him, her voice came back to her. "You… what? You went and talked to him?"

"Actually, he came and found me. He didn't want you to know that, but I think you should. We… talked a little and came to an understanding, of sorts. We both agreed to tolerate each other. But I have to be honest Rey, I don't think I'll ever like the guy and I hope you don't expect me to."

She shook her head sharply. "I don't; not after everything that happened." There was a lull before she threw her arms around him, smiling into his chest as he returned the welcoming gesture.

"Is this a reunion? Nobody invited me." Poe said from behind, feigning offense.

Rey slid out of Finn's arms and backed away, letting the two men face each other on equal ground. "Hey, buddy," Poe greeted.

"Hey. I was gonna come find you after I talked to Rey," Finn said in a shaky voice. "I want to apologize for punching you –"

"It's okay, man. I get it," Poe said, his eyes full of understanding.

Finn's eyes watered, but he kept his composure. "So…" He cleared his throat. "We good then?"

"Yeah, we're good." Rey beamed as she watched the two men clasp hands and then briefly embrace. Everything was gradually coming together and even though Finn said he was never going to get along with Ben, Rey still had hope for that to change.

"Come eat lunch with us," Finn said as they stepped out of the hug.

"I already ate, but I'll come sit with you guys. I gotta go do something really quick, though. Save me a seat." Poe eyed Rey before heading off in the direction of the kitchen and she grew excited over the little surprise they had planned.

()()()()()

The mess hall was a large, square room, with long metallic tables and benches taking up most of the open space. Even though it was the peak of lunch and people were having a difficult time finding a seat, Ren sat alone at a table fit for twelve. It was like he was nine all over again, all the kids too afraid to get within ten feet of him. Well, BB-8 idled patiently down below, but seeing how he wasn't sentient, the droid didn't count.

In the end, the soldiers standing and eating their food were the ones who were suffering, not him.

Not him.

Focusing on the mound of nourishment on his tray, he began to go through the motions of eating.

Chew. Swallow. Chew. Swallow.

There was no savoring, no acknowledgment of texture. He ate for energy, not for joy.

It had been almost two hours since the conversation with the trooper and as he shoved the calories into his mouth, he couldn't get one particular sentence out of his thoughts.

" _Terr, Garreaus, Liz… they're all traitors, but for some reason, you're the most hostile towards me. Why is that?"_

_Why is that…._

As reviling as it was to admit, the guy had a point. On Lothal, when he found out his friends were all deserters, he didn't feel the same amount of anger towards them as he did with FN-2187. He accepted those people rather quickly, actually.

Is it jealousy?

Rey and the trooper had become close over the two weeks Ren was gone, but he didn't sense any sort of underlying attraction between the two. If he was jealous, it was over the fact that the vagrant got to spend a great deal of time with her while he was elbow deep in grease and speeder parts. But the envy over that could only go so far since Ren was the one who left her in the first place.

He'd lived in this body, owned the same mind, and recognized his own narrative over the past thirty years and somehow, he still didn't know why he felt the way he did in certain situations. Was it because his time had always been occupied and wouldn't allow him to internally reflect? Or was it because he'd always been unknowingly naïve and frozen with the emotional grid of a child?

… _. Hmmmm… it might be the latter._

Without reason, Ren looked up, seeing Rey and the trooper walking over to him with their own trays of food and drink. Rey's demeanor was glowing, with only a hint of trepidation in her step. The cause was obvious as the stormtrooper walked closely next to her, studying him warily.

Looked like Ren had made the right call to talk to the fucker. Now, he needed to put on a performance that he was actually fine with having the trooper around.

Rey came around to sit next to him as the trooper sat on the other side.

"Is it okay if Finn sits with us?" Rey asked as she settled in.

Ren swallowed the last bite, "Yep."

The two men stared at each other as Rey inspected the silent exchange. Once she deemed them non-threatening, she started chatting about her morning of training.

"Hello, ladies," Poe interrupted as he strolled up. "And I mean you two," he added as he eyed both Ren and Finn.

The pilot was holding a covered plate, but before he revealed what was on it, he threw something at him. Ren caught it before it hit his face and held it up to inspect the grey leather material.

"My jacket…" Ren breathed, flipping it over to see the patch on the back. The leather square was slightly lighter than the dark grey of the jacket, but the hue was close enough to where you wouldn't notice the difference unless you inspected it closely.

"Got it fixed for ya. Happy birthday, man." Poe revealed the plate as he placed it next to Ren's tray.

It was four small chocolate banja cakes.

Twisting his head to the left, he gave Rey a questioning stare. "Poe said he had some pull in the kitchen, so I told him these were your favorite."

_She remembered…_

Stunned into speechlessness, Ren's heart warmed, swelling almost beyond the capacity of his ribcage. This act of kindness cut through his dim emotions, lighting it with an ambient glow, carving a pure path through the darkness while using the illumination of an uncompromising good deed. This feeling was not something he was familiar with, so he wasn't sure how to react.

On an operating principle, Ren nodded his head, put on the jacket, and said a soft, "Thank you."

"You're welcome. And just to put it out there, my birthday is in three months," Poe said with a cunning smile as he sat across from Ren.

Ren chuckled willingly, his smile more than authentic, making his face relax.

"Happy belated birthday," Rey said by his side, placing her hand on his thigh and giving him a comforting squeeze. He grasped her hand and held it, but couldn't glance at her. This simple gesture of cake and a gift was moving, and adding Rey's soft eyes into the mix would make him too emotional.

Wait… When was Rey's birthday? "It's not for a long time, toward the end of the year," she said.

Apparently he asked that question out loud.

Realizing he was staring intently at the cakes, he offered Poe and Rey a bite, but they both declined. He didn't go as far as to do the same with the trooper. The guy's eyes bounced around as he ate his food, purposefully staying out of the conversation as he tried to get comfortable with being there.

"Are you even going to have any room for dessert?" Poe pointed out, nodding at Ren's mountain of chow. "You have quite a mound of food in front of you."

"He eats the dessert first," Rey said as she took a bite of her sandwich, smiling as she chewed.

"Good thing, cause I doubt he would have room after eating three sandwiches, two maize rolls, and…" Poe leaned in, searching for anything else. "Are those warra nut cookies?" Ren nodded as he took his first bite of cake, savoring the sweet chocolate and velvety texture. "When was the last time you ate anything? A week ago? I've never seen you eat this much."

Ren shrugged and swallowed. "I only had a set amount of food on my freighter. It wouldn't have been wise to eat everything in one sitting."

"So you're going to eat everything on the base?"

The corner of Ren's lips rose as he masticated, remembering how Poe disapproved of his diet of chocolate bars when they were on Spira.

After a few more jabs in his direction, Rey cut the pilot off by resuming what she'd been speaking about before Poe showed up. Before Ren could voice his worry over using actual lightsabers for practice, Poe put in his two credits.

"You beat Skywalker? While dueling?" Poe shook his head in disbelief. "Nah, he definitely let you win."

Rey put her sandwich down. "Girls are just as strong as men, if that's where you're going with this."

"Oh really? You wanna arm wrestle right now?" Rey pursed her lips. "No? Didn't think so."

"I didn't mean we are literally stronger than you."

"So you meant it metaphorically? How does that work?"

"I – oh, there's Jess." They all turned their attention to the entryway, and Ren deduced that the girl with the long, black hair and roaming slanted eyes was Jess, Rey's roommate. Poe swung his legs over the bench, waving to get her attention. She smiled and came their way.

"I'll be right back. I should probably warn her you're here," he glanced at Ren before jogging off and meeting the girl halfway, stopping her as she gave him a confused look.

"Do you think women are weak?" Rey asked. Ren whipped his head around, meeting her inquisitive eyes. Finn stopped eating, no doubt wondering how Ren was going to answer the question.

"Well, physically compared to men, women are at a disadvantage. But that doesn't mean men are always stronger. You've beaten me before, remember?"

"You'd been shot, though," Finn said, looking surprised he even added anything to the conversation.

That made two of them.

"She beat me on Ahch-To as well," Ren stated evenly.

Rey rolled her eyes. "This again? I didn't beat you. All I did was talk to you."

"And is using your intelligence also not another form of strength? I think it is."

"What exactly happened on Ahch-To?" Finn asked. Neither Rey, nor Ren jumped at the opportunity to give him an answer, which only made the trooper come to his own violent conclusions.

Poe cleared his throat, catching their notice. "Ren, this is one of my best pilots, Jess Pava."

Ren locked eyes with the young girl, her brows furrowing before her eyes peeled wide at the sight of him. Ren was rather comfortable when he received these reactions, but this time, he wasn't. Something was... off. "Some of us call her by her nickname Testor, though," Poe added.

The girl remained frozen, her eyes unblinking as she took him in. All the staring made Ren uneasy.

Poe offered her the spot to his left, which sandwiched the pilot between Finn and the girl. Jess's movements were robotic as she sat, never looking away from him. Usually people were shocked to see Ren and they had difficulty meeting his gaze, but not this woman. Ren's pupils bounced around between Rey and Poe as they engaged in their previous discussion, but he kept coming back to Jess, always finding that her sight never wavered.

Her emotional grid increased rapidly, making his heart race from the bombardment of her unusual feelings. Disappointment was at the forefront, which didn't make any sense given the fact he'd never met this girl before. Therefore, her standards of him should be low. Right?

Tired of the staring, Ren mimicked her, hoping to make her too frightened to keep up her disapproving ogling. Her eyes watered and her brows twitched as if to keep from crying, which didn't work. A tear escaped and only Ren noticed the distraught expression etched onto this girl's face. Everyone else was too busy arguing over the differences between men and women.

She probably had family in the Hosnian system. That had to be it.

Taking in the depths of her stare, he noticed how black her eyes were. So black, that it was impossible to tell where her pupils ended and her retinas began. The only time he'd ever seen such dark eyes was –

Ren's face fell at the impossibility that was staring right at him.

"Do you remember me?" Jess asked, her shaky voice cutting through the conversation happening around them.

"Jess?" Poe exclaimed in alarm. "What's wrong?" The pilot noticed how Ren and her were fixated on each other. "You know him? But you told me you never had any dealings with Kylo Ren before."

Ren's mind was transported back in time, back to when he was in those caves, clutching onto iron bars as he fell to the floor. As clear as the ocean waters on Spira, he could still feel that young girl rub away his tears, her black eyes an abyss of torment and sorrow.

Here, now, in this halting moment, his sins were laid out to be inspected, the depraved things he'd ended up doing exposed as a brilliant spotlight shined forth from her eyes and blinded him with unwanted recollection.

His brain throbbed from the memory, and considering how hideous the flashback, it was the gentlest blowback that could've happened to his gray matter. Short of being stabbed in the eye repeatedly with a pole.

Her eyes squinted. "You do remember me. I can tell by the way you're staring," Jess said quietly, ignoring Poe as he attempted to get her attention. With roaming eyes, the girl took in his heft and the scar that ran down his face. "I don't… understand. You're Kylo Ren?"

Rey said his name, but he remained focused on the girl, sweat blooming underneath his dark clothing. "I am," he replied hoarsely.

She was confused as she shook her head. "But… you – you saved me. You freed us. How… why…."

Ren leaned forward, the table digging into his midsection. Even after all these years and having only shared a short moment with this girl, he felt… protective of her. He didn't want her to be afraid of him. "I wasn't Kylo Ren then."

"Then how did you turn into… this?" she asked as her eyes questioned his form.

"It's a very long story, and it wasn't just one thing," he said through a tight throat.

Her stare grew distant, recalling ugly events that Ren had hoped would fade from her mind with time. "You know," she whispered faintly, "every time I go to sleep, I always see your face." His mouth fell open slightly, his heart thundering in his chest. "In a way, it comforted me to know that if a person went to such lengths to save us, then maybe the galaxy wasn't as ugly as everyone thought." Jess's stare suddenly bore into him. "You were my savior, you know that? While everyone was afraid of you for killing all those men, I wasn't. I wanted those bastards to die, and you gave me that. You gave me my life back."

Ren was falling into an abstract hole that led to an alternate dimension, a place where torture didn't even begin to describe the pain that strangled him. Hot coals were being poured into his chest cavity, burning his heart asunder, pumping ash into his veins.

He couldn't breathe.

Jess wiped the tears from her cheeks, her expression finally hardening into disappointing hatred. "I thought you died in that assault on Skywalker's academy, but you've been this monster the whole time." She glanced down at her hands in her lap, and then whispered, "The galaxy really does rob you of hope. Eventually." With that revelation, she clamored to her feet and stumbled to get out of the mess hall as fast as her legs could take her.

Ren didn't remember leaving the table. All he knew was he had to explain himself to this girl, had to make her understand… what? That her beliefs were a lie? That her savior was really a demon that helped kill her friends and aided immensely in starting a war she now fought in?

Poe yelled something, catching the attention of everyone in the dining hall.

Ren grabbed the girl's arm as they neared the exit, but she spun around and slapped him straight across the face. Wrenching herself free, she seethed, "Don't fucking touch me," and then left, Poe running passed him to go after her.

Left with only the sting in his cheek, Ren couldn't move. Thoughts did not form, only his emotions remained. Jess's eyes didn't just break his heart, but also darkened his soul. He'll never forget the anguish in her eyes from those caves, nor how she looked at him at the table only a moment ago. It was a fog that would forever linger in the depths of his mind, growing thicker with time.

He'd trained himself not to care if others were disappointed in him, but now, Ren was that child again, seeking out someone else's approval.

Balling his hands into fists and glancing down, he realized it wasn't his body he was staring at, but a prison. He was stuck under thick skin and tethered to a mind that weighed him down with an infinite supply of gruesome memories. There was no escape. No relief. No end. This was him. From here on out, he was serving a life sentence inside a corpse.

He was suddenly aware that the vast room had gone stone quiet. Everything with a heartbeat was now intently staring at him, which made the rage build inside. Voices began to swirl in his mind, the harrowing thoughts of others overriding his own. As much as he wished, he never could fully turn this side of himself off, never could stop from hearing people think of him as a freak.

A creep.

A monster.

There were many reasons for him to keep a low profile, but the rapid takeover of emotions moved him to seek out a form of cathartic violence. He was powerless to control the burst of energy that came forth from his being. On a quick surge, the serving table to his left flipped into the air, cracking viciously against the wall as the lights flickered and popped up above. Glass and sparks showered everyone in the large chamber, causing people to scream and seek sanctuary underneath the oblong tables.

All this was done without him even twitching.

Rey called out to him, but Ren was already gone.


	40. Not The Best Time

"Jess!" Poe called out, running through the long hallways and narrow corridors. Somehow, her capabilities of running had upgraded into an award-winning sprinter. By no means was Poe fast, but he was a guy, so he figured he'd be able to catch up with her by using his bigger mass of muscles.

That was a no-go.

He caught glimpses of her fast figure and from the direction she was taking him, knew she was going to her room. Not exactly the most secretive place, but given how she seemed to have just received the shock of her life, she probably would immediately rush somewhere familiar.

Knees grinding as he quickened his kinetic velocity, Poe thought back to the bizarre exchange in the mess hall. What caves were they talking about? Ren somehow saved her and a bunch of other people? Doesn't seem very like him….

He turned down the correct hall, heading straight for her door. It was locked, which wasn't a total shocker.

Poe pounded his palm against the steel, his skin stinging from the harsh contact. "Jess, open the door," he said evenly, but with a bite of demand to his tone.

"Go away!"

"Jess, just open the door."

"Leave me alone," her voice came out, strangled.

Yeah, he wasn't going to follow that request. "I'm worried about you. I don't think you should be alone in there."

"Like you know what I need. You don't know anything."

Shit, she sure was right about that. "Yeah, true. I don't exactly know what the hell happened back in the mess hall, but it's obviously serious. I know that you're upset and I just want to help."

An antsy silence prevailed for a few moments.

"Jess, please. Just let me see you so I know you're okay." Poe leaned his head against the cool door, waiting and praying it would open. Him and this metal barrier were becoming a little too intimate as he counted every indent and scratch–

His forehead streaked along the rising entrance, leaving a red line above his brows. Jess's reddened eyes were glaring at Poe, her posture more than giving off the vibe of what-the-hell-do-you-want.

"There. You saw me. Now leave."

Poe shook his head. "I don't want to."

Jess eyed him up and down like he'd just told her he was going to take up circus performing. Or dancing. "I didn't think you'd care this much."

Her assumption stung, but he didn't show it. "Are you kidding me? We're friends. Of course I care."

Jess rolled her eyes as she turned to walk back into the room. "I swear, you must be the only blind person on this base," she mumbled all too clearly.

"Blind?" he asked, entering her and Rey's space. The bunk was to the right and he could tell Jess slept on the bottom because of all the pictures adhered to the wall. Rey's top space was tidy and made up, evidence that the girl barely spent any time there. "To what? Are we not friends? Did I somehow hallucinate all those times you had my back?"

Jess leaned against the dresser, folding her arms defensively. Though, why she was getting defensive with him he had no idea. "No, you didn't hallucinate."

Poe spread out his hands, semi shrugging. "Then what?"

"Nothing."

He took a few steps closer. "No, there's something. And I'm not leaving till you tell me."

Obviously, Poe didn't like being left out of the loop.

"I thought you came here to find out how I know Kylo Ren?"

"Well, yes, but then you brought this up and now I'm wondering why."

Jess sardonically chuckled, which was really unlike her. "You really don't know?"

"Know what?!" he asked in a raised voice. Poe took pride in knowing every little secret on this base and if he had somehow–

"I like you. And as more than just a friend."

...Huh… how did this fact escape his notice?

Jess shot her arms out in defeat. "And yes, I do know how childish that sounds, but I don't know how else to say it."

Standing there like a buffoon, Poe needed to say something, anything so it seemed like he was cool about all this. But the only thing he could muster up was a weak, "Oh."

Poe thought back to how he had numerous short-lived flings, most of them ending up with the girl confessing her feelings for him. He always shut those down because unlike them, he'd known what was going on was just casual. But to have a close friend say something like this to him? It was weird… mostly because he didn't get the same idea of letting her down easy, like he'd done so many times before.

He actually wanted to hug her.

Jess scoffed hard. "Yeah. Oh. Now get out of here."

"I'm… I'm sorry, Jess. I didn't know."

Would it change anything if he had?

"Probably because you were too busy pining after women with long legs and a perky bust," she stated bluntly.

 _Whoa._ "Excuse me? I do not 'pine'. I don't know where you get your information–"

"So you and Connix never happened?"

Poe hesitated, his brows going tight as one hand came up to smooth back his hair. A flash from the past glared in his mind, making him recall how he'd once tried out a serious relationship when he was back in flight school at nineteen… and how things derailed with his ex as quickly as a speeding blaster bolt.

Luckily, once they parted ways, they never saw each other again.

His heart relentlessly thundered, both from the memory and from whom Jess accused him of being with. What sucked the most? He couldn't lie to her. "That was one time and a serious lapse in judgment."

Jess glanced to the left, looking distantly at the bunk bed in an attempt to compose herself. "Do you know how people view you around here?"

Her stare came back around, revealing nothing. "That I'm the best pilot in the Resistance?" Poe guessed.

"That you have an ego the size of the Universe."

He suppressed the "hell yes, I do" response he wanted to make, instead going for something that made him sound more mature. "Unlike most people with an ego, I actually have talent to back it up."

Jess barely grinned and then it vanished, but Poe had caught it. "I know you do, so the fact that you're arrogant has never bothered me. But then you throw in your charisma, humor, and handsome looks and no one on this base cannot not like you."

The compliments seemed out of place, like she was almost baiting him to agree – which he was pretty sure he shouldn't do. "Ummm, thanks?"

"Do you know what all those things have in common, though? It's just surface stuff. The things that draw people in. I've seen more from you and that is why I fell for you." Jess grabbed her head and breathed.

Brows knitting together, Poe couldn't believe what he was hearing. He'd always been a simple man who hid a thousand feelings behind the cleverest of humor… and somehow Jess saw 'more'? That can't be right. It wasn't that Poe was incapable of feeling emotion or showing it; it was just he didn't think anyone actually cared to see it. The only person who was ever interested in really knowing him was his mother, and she was long dead.

"I can't believe I'm actually telling you this, but part of me doesn't care to even hide it anymore," Jess said between breaths.

"Jess, I'm–"

She put her hand up to stop him. "I don't want your pity and honestly, I'm done seeking your attention. I know nothing is ever going to happen between us and I'm gonna move on before more of my life is wasted. So you can go on your merry way and make your rounds on the base. And before you even try to deny it, I do hear the gossip. Now, I'd appreciate it if you left me alone."

Except Poe was just the right flavor of asshole to not concede to such a request, so his boots stayed glued to the floor. "I want to know what happened to you in those caves," he demanded. For some unknown reason, he wanted to hear every harrowing detail, know everything she went through, because… dammit, he wasn't sure why. And trying to demand that she spill the tale? Dick move, through and through.

But he _needed_ to know.

Jess motioned to the door. "Go ask your new friend."

"He doesn't talk much, so I doubt he'll tell me anything."

"You're out of luck, then, because I never talk about it. Ever."

Just then, a winded Rey and Finn burst into the room, both freezing upon feeling the tense atmosphere. "Ben is gone," Rey stated.

Poe tensed. "What? He can't just be gone. He has that damn chip in his arm."

Rey's eyes were grave, the fear she exuded palpable to even him, a mere human with no connection to the Force. "I can't find him anywhere and his Force signature is hidden."

"What about your bond?" Poe pointed out.

She shook her head. "Nothing. I can't get through. We need to find him before the MP does."

"The MP? Why–"

"He ruined the mess hall," Finn chipped in. "Like, trashed it."

Poe rubbed his face and groaned louder than necessary. _So. Fucking. Typical. That man needs more than a chip in his arm; he needs a brain transplant so he doesn't go full on crazy._ "I'll help you find him." He glanced back at Jess before leaving. "This conversation isn't over."

She shrugged like she didn't care, which cut at him deep. "Pretty sure it is."

He rolled his jaw and forced himself out of the room, following Finn and Rey down the hall. If Jess truly believed they had nothing more to say to each other, she was going to be shocked when he started pestering her relentlessly. He was a friend to everyone on base, but there were only a select few he would actually stick his neck out for.

Jess was on that list, and he wasn't taking her off.

()()()()()

An old, weathered man with feathery, white hair appeared on the holoscreen, his jaw set and his eyes none too pleased. "Princess Leia," his gravelly voice said. "I've been told you've been trying to schedule a meeting with me over the last few days."

 _More like the last week, you two-faced piece of druk_.

Leia stood before the image of Senator Colvinc Tisnew, her arms clasped behind her back and her expression stoic, hiding her deep routed annoyance. Other members of the council – Admiral Statura, Major Ematt, and Admiral Ackbar – were in the communication room, watching the screen from an angle that kept them hidden. Among them was also Vassena Trend. Even though she wasn't an official member, she did add what was left of the Republic fleet to their cavalry. Such numbers were important to maintain, and if she left, so did the soldiers and ships.

Her invitation to be here had been a formality. Leia'd been hoping she wouldn't show, but she did.

"Senator Tisnew. You look well," Leia falsely greeted.

The man's shriveled face soured. "Don't give me fake compliments, Princess. I'm seventy-one years of age. I look as well as a luggabeast when left out in the dessert sun all its life. What do you want?"

"I understand you've been in contact with the First Order," Leia stated with zero hesitation. If the senator wanted to get straight to the point, she wasn't going to deny him.

Tisnew paused, narrowing his eyes before saying, "How do you know that?"

"Kylo Ren has left the Order and joined the Resistance. He informed us that you've been talking with the terrorists."

"Interesting you call your son by that name and not the one you gave him at birth." Leia stiffened. The Resistance had put out a statement stating that Kylo Ren defected from the First Order, but said nothing of where he truly came from. But, realistically, the news wouldn't stay on the base for long. "Oh yes, Princess. News travels fast in this galaxy. Guess the boy takes after his grandfather. Nice to know that malicious gene skips every other generation, in case he gets a girl knocked up."

_Colvinc has become increasingly tactless with old age._

"What has the Order asked of you?" Leia asked, ignoring the jabs that were supposed to get her off balance. If he was trying to hurt her, he was going to need to do better than that.

Tisnew's face shifted into boredom. "They want the Core Worlds to pledge themselves to their cause. I'm sure your son has already told you that."

"But what have they offered you?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"We're on the same side, Colvinc. You fought in the Rebellion against the Empire, and now they're back in the form of the First Order. They destroyed the Hosnian system–"

His sudden anger cut her off. "I'm well aware of what they've done. My daughter was on Hosnian Prime when it was destroyed. And what did your little Resistance do to stop it? Nothing. You, Princess Leia, are as much responsible for this radical group coming to power as your son is. I don't even understand why you're still leading that small army."

If her and her son were to blame, the inept senators of the New Republic were also at fault. And what do you know, she was talking to one of them. If Coruscant's Prime Minister and his cabinet hadn't been killed in the Hosnian system's annihilation, this meeting could've been conducted with a more reasonable person.

Maybe.

Leia ground her teeth and pinched her astute eyes. "While in the Senate, I voiced my disagreement to let pass the Military Disarmament Act in the wake of signing the Galactic Concordance with the Galactic Empire. I knew the Empire had retreated into the Unknown Regions and couldn't be trusted to abide by the treaty. I urged the Republic to take the threat seriously, but I was looked down upon as a paranoid warmonger. With only a small Republic fleet, it was only a matter of time till the Empire exploited our military weakness."

"I agreed with you, Leia, remember? But I chose to try and change things from within the Senate instead of running off and forming a renegade group."

 _But there was no changing the Senate's mind since the Centrist Party was secretly in cahoots with the First Order_ , she wanted to scream. Instead, she stayed semi-civil. "And why stay to fulfill the rest of my term? After the news of my biological father broke out, no one would listen to me. Not you or anyone else that was a part of the Populist Party."

The senator scoffed and waved his hand around. "Your efforts to create an army is a joke. Your numbers are nothing compared to the Order's."

"Is that why you're considering joining them?"

Colvinc reclined back in his chair, his long exhale manifesting his deep exhaustion. For the first time since the meeting began, he looked ragged and older than his age. "I want to talk with your son."

 _That_ certainly caught her off guard. "No."

"Then this meeting is over." He nodded to someone out of view to cut the feed.

"Wait." Leia thought about how much her son abhorred politics and hated talking in general. Putting the two things together would absolutely end with Ben and her getting into another fight. Which was nothing new, by now.

"When do you want to speak with him?" For the sake of the galaxy, Ben would have to pretend to be a diplomat.

"As soon as possible."

"We'll contact you within the next few hours."

The senator gave her a pensive stare before saying, "I'll be waiting."

The video went dark and Leia rubbed the back of her neck, trying to get the cramp from giving her a headache. She was way too old to be acting as a general and dealing with the politics she'd left behind.

Now add Ben to the list and she felt like she aged a century.

"He's going to cave to the Order soon," General Ematt pointed out. "The fear was guarded, but it's there."

Leia stepped down from the small platform, heading for the only table in the room.

"Yes, but what's he afraid of?" Ackbar pondered. "Starkiller has been destroyed. Other than a high number of stormtroopers and some Star Destroyers, nothing poses an immediate threat to the planet."

"Maybe they do have another major weapon in their arsenal," Leia mused, finding an open chair and scooting in close to the small table. The others joined, and thankfully, Trend sat as far away from Leia as possible.

Statura shook his head. "Ren didn't say they did."

Knowing her son, he'd kept his answers short and revealed as little detail as possible. "And you asked him the question directly? You asked him if they had any other weapons like Starkiller?"

"Yes, and he said no," Statura answered.

"Either he's lying or he really doesn't know," Ematt added as he scratched his grey beard.

Statura whipped out his datapad, getting ready to send a message. "We should question him again when he's brought up here. I can give out an order for him to be found and–"

"Not yet," Leia interrupted.

"But… Senator Tisnew wanted the meeting quickly."

Leia was still apprehensive about bringing Ben into all of this, and not just for the fact he was hot-tempered and didn't like politicians. Trust was an issue; it always had been, even before he went radical. There'd always been something off about her son, like his eyes saw too much, but divulged nothing. She didn't think he'd turn around and give information to the Order… but she had to muse that it was a possibility.

Also, he'd been trying to get a meeting with her all week, which made her really uneasy. What did he want to say to her? Was she ready to see him? She didn't want to witness him going nuclear and hurting himself again.

"Give out the order in an hour," Leia ordered. "I don't want Senator Tisnew to think we're desperate."

General Ematt clearly disagreed. "But we are desperate." He leaned over the table, resting his arm on the metal top. "Everyone in the galaxy looks to the Core Worlds for leadership during a time like this. And they have the biggest planetary army in the galaxy, which would help our numbers if they joined us. We can't afford to wait. The First Order is already–"

Leia met his challenging tone. "An hour won't change anything, and I told him we'd connect with him within the next few. We won't go over that time frame."

Lieutenant Connix unexpectedly strode through the automatic door, her eyes darting wildly around the room before falling onto Leia. "General, there's a problem in the dining hall on the base. It has to do with Kylo Ren."

Leia stood, the chair clanging loudly onto the ships floor. She thought she would have a little more time before Ben did something foolish, but as usual, he just had to make an effort of proving her wrong. And at a time she needed his help.

While all the council members tensely stood and listened to the report with baited breath, Trend remained seated, her eyes staring down at the table. The only thing that made it appear like she was still somewhat lucid was the fact that her lips slowly and obviously curled up into a self-satisfying grin.

It went without saying that Leia wanted to waltz over to the women and viciously rip out that perfect bun from atop her blonde head. But that was hardly the intermission others needed to witness.

()()()()()

Beat by beat, Ren's boots hit the floor, the erratic breathing matching his fast footfalls. Making his way through the hallways, he wasn't exactly sure where to find relief, but he knew in what general direction to search. The torrential replay of the events in the dining hall rammed into his brain again and again, threatening to make him spiral deeper into a pit of tainted memories.

He wasn't completely sure where he was, but as he passed an intersecting hallway to his right, he had a strong prompting to turn. But with a quick glance, all it would lead him to was a door that certainly didn't take him outside.

He hastily moved on, regaining his speedy momentum.

Ren made a hard left, coming face to face with Terr and Garreaus. He paused for only a fraction of a moment. "Hey man – Whoa!" The men parted, letting Ren through their barrier of bodies. When he got all bulldozer like this, you either got out of his path or he mowed you into the hard floor.

"Where ya going?" Garreaus yelled as Ren disappeared.

The walls and air of the base constricted his throat, putting immense pressure on his chest and slowly sending him into the agony of ravaging hypoxia. Relief was only to be found in the outdoors, but even after the fresh oxygen attached to his hemoglobin, he'd still be jammed within his thoughts. Maybe… maybe it would give him some kind of relief, though.

At least, this time, he'd been able to eat all of the banja cakes before becoming groundless.

Barreling into a random hangar, Ren was soon immersed into the vast jungle and thick humidity. The peak of the afternoon sun shined down onto the planet, which was unfortunate since he hated the light. Nighttime would have been preferred at a time like this, but it's as if the Universe was withholding such comforts in an attempt to punish him for his demented transgressions.

Sweat already started to bead on his brow. Ren tried wiping it away with his sleeve, but the leather just smeared it across his face. Taking off the jacket would help cool him down, but for some reason, he didn't want to part from it. The newly fixed present was anchoring him to the remaining remnants of sanity, and he really needed to keep his faculties together. But would it matter if he exploded out here? He'd caused such a mess in the dining hall that he was life-bettingly positive there was trouble just around the bend – the kind of trouble his uncle probably couldn't spring him from.

The council was looking for any excuse to get their judgmental hands on him. If he even sneezed too close to someone else, they would take it as a threat and ring him up for misconduct. He'd been on the base a grand total of not-enough-time, but even with that fact, he felt like giving himself a pat on the back since he lasted longer than he thought he would.

 _Congratulations_ , he told himself since no one else would.

With both hands, he slicked back his thick hair, tugging on the strands as he kept repeating the process. He suddenly noticed that his legs had stopped walking, halting his body before he went too far and activated the chip in his arm. But he didn't need the chip to paralyze him, because he seized up and crumpled to the ground all on his own.

With his rear planted on the moist soil and his legs crossed, he rested his elbows on his knees and cradled his head in his palms. It was a very childish posture for a man as large as he was, but he couldn't help that his demeanor reflected how he felt: vulnerable, undeveloped, and small.

Stars… he felt tiny. Tiny among the tall trees. Tiny in this quaint clearing. Tiny against the impending collision of all the colors and textures surrounding him.

People on the base didn't see him that way, because most were afraid or thought of him as... _What was the word that came to their minds most often?_

_Creepy._

They thought him to be creep, which reminded him of the Jedi academy _waaaaay_ too much. He always preferred the term eerie, but one couldn't choose the vernacular used by others.

Even with his reputation, the looming ruthlessness, and the mask that he wore, Ren had always felt a sense of vulnerability and uncertainty as to who he was. And now that more people would know of the events in those caves, he felt bone chillingly naked.

The likelihood of ever running into that slave girl had been astronomically impossible, and yet here he was, freaking out over being reminded of what he'd done while being Ben Solo. Somehow, he had deemed being violent and murderous under the name Kylo Ren as necessary and unavoidable. But killing so many people while associating himself as Ben had been borderline sacrilegious.

When was fate going to take him off its hit list? He was getting sick of all the unwinnable situations he was being put into as of late.

 _You put yourself here_ , he reminded himself.

Or maybe… Snoke really was the cause of his ruination.

Sitting with only his thoughts, Ren glanced up, noticing the trees bunched tightly together. The lush green branches and vines interwoven, giving off the impression of beautifully strung lace. His mind raced to Rey, envisioning her in a rich, lace green gown that showed off her femininity and power. The color would compliment her brown hair and light skin….

At this very moment, she was probably disappointed at the chaos he'd unfurled back at the base. Part of him was, too. But her opinion mattered more than his did, because unlike himself, Rey could leave him at any moment.

His heart called out to her during the silence, reaching for her through an endless dream of another life… a fantasy. Everything was a fantasy when it came to her, because he knew he didn't deserve to have her. Not like he _could_ have her, even if he tried. There were so many miles between his feelings and hers, and that would never change.

Dammit, where were all these people who wanted him dead? He could use an outlet right about now. It would be cruel if the plots to kill him were only just a rumor.

Abruptly, he jumped to his feet, wheeling around to look into the dense jungle. Two beings were getting close, zeroing in. Upon recognizing their signatures, Ren relaxed, but kept his eyes alert.

Garreaus was the first to enter the small clearing, with Terr close behind, complaining about how he had a small cut on his hand from swatting away a thorny vine. As usual, Garreaus seemed to be tuning him out.

They quickly caught sight of Ren. He must not have appeared completely sane because both men froze, studying his body language. "What are you doing here?" Ren asked, his voice deep, guarded.

"We, uh…" Terr met Garreaus' eyes before bouncing back to Ren. "You didn't look so good when you ran out of the base, so…."

"You came to make sure I didn't kill anyone?"

"We came to make sure you were okay," Garreaus corrected.

Ren narrowed his eyes upon the pair. "Did you not see the dining hall?"

"Dining hall?" They both glanced at each other, confused. "We came looking for you after you ignored us. What happened in the dining hall?"

"The electrical malfunctioned. And there's glass everywhere." _And I'm the one who caused it._

"Uh, okaaaay." Garreaus inspected the small alcove, coming to the conclusion that asking any more questions was probably a waste of breath. "How about you come back to the base with us, instead of staying out here… by yourself."

Crossing his arms, Ren walked over to an entanglement of vines, peering closely at the striking emerald hues woven into the plants skin. For a moment, he got lost in the beauty, drinking up the color others would deem mundane, but that sang to him in a way that was captivating. He was so accustomed to the bleakness of metal and space that he'd become blind to what the Universe had to offer.

He had fleetingly saw it before he died, but hadn't thought about it since.

Nature had never lived for itself, its core fundamentally unselfish. Rivers didn't drink its own water, air didn't breathe its own oxygen, and trees didn't eat their own fruit. The sun never shined for itself and a flower didn't smell its own fragrance. All those things lived for each other, a concept Ren had never lived by, but was the rule of nature. He'd always been self-serving, but had done some self-effacing acts as of late.

So where did that place him on the spectrum between altruism and greed?

Running his fingers down the thick vine, he said, "I haven't seen you guys since Lothal."

"No… you haven't," Terr answered, the worry in his voice blatantly obvious.

Ren turned, surprised and confused at how genuine his curiosity was. "How are you adjusting to this place?"

"Better than you, I'd wager. Seriously man, come back with us."

He looked heavenward at the small rays of sun shining through the foliage. "Mayhap I'll just stay here. But thanks."

"Mayhap?" Did Ren really just say that? It was such an ancient word in Basic, used in the place of perhaps. Maybe he really was weird... "Geez, you're strange." _Yes, I know._ "No one talks like tha–" Garreaus elbowed Terr in the ribs, making the guy fall silent from the sharp pain.

Garreaus quickly took over. "I don't know if you should be alone, man. You seem… off."

"Yeah," Terr agreed through a strained voice while holding his side. "More than usual."

It would appear his off-putting nature was out in full force today.

A whizzing noise came from the left as BB-8 whirled right over a small bush, coming to a stop inches from Ren's feet. The little droid had followed him out here. _"There's a group of men searching for you, and they aren't with the MP! You need to get back to the base."_

Just as the droid finished, Ren's neck prickled him to attention, causing his eyes to search the foliage behind Terr and Garreaus.

The first man appeared within seconds, looking at the group with first shock, then satisfaction. Immediately, Terr and Garreaus moved so they were to the right of Ren, standing close enough to appear like his own personal bodyguards – which he didn't need.

One by one, five men of various sizes and stature came into the tight clearing, each holding a variety of melee weapons. Ren thought the arsenal to be extremely reckless, given the fact that every member on the base could carry a blaster. The judgment quickly coalesced into offense. Did they really think those weapons would be sufficient against him? Do they even know who he was?

But one look into each of their eyes told him that they wanted the fight to be up close and personal, because that was the best way to derive vengeance.

Ren took a small comfort in knowing he wasn't the only irrational person on this base… and that he was going to put his fists to good use in a matter of minutes. Or seconds.

"Just what I was waiting for," Ren said to the lineup, feeling like he'd been offered a way to work out his frustrations. It was difficult to hold back the smile, so he didn't.

A tall, brown skinned man came to the front, a metal baton clutched firmly in his left hand. "You never should've been allowed to live. After everything you've done, people deserve justice," he said through clenched teeth.

Ren arched a brow. Funny, how everyone thought they had a right to directly enact justice when, at the same time, they backed a government keen on the judiciary proceedings of criminals. "Oh, did I kill someone you know? A sister? A parent? Your child, perhaps?" The man angrily stepped forward, but one of his friends grabbed his arm and held him back. Unfortunately, no one was able to hold back Ren's sharp tongue. "I've slaughtered so many people, it's hard to keep track anymore. Sorry to tell you, but I don't remember your relative."

Ren wasn't sorry.

"You're a fucking lunatic," the unraveling man snarled while the rest of the group glared at Ren like he'd also murdered someone they knew.

He probably had.

"I don't disagree," Ren said smoothly.

The leaders eyes roamed the area, settling on Terr and Garreaus to his right. "You gonna hide behind those two cocksucking stormtroopers?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Terr griped as he held his hands up defensively. He opened his mouth, but then shut it, as he seemed to be adding something up in his mind. "Actually, those two words describe me very well. Just put an "ex" in front of stormtrooper next time, thanks." Terr ended with a grin.

"Fuck you," the leader raged out.

Terr laughed like he'd just heard a joke. "I don't fuck women like you, Dilkev. Sorry."

The man's mouth fell open in shock, leaving him momentarily speechless by the insult. Ren was in much the same way, except his eyes were about to bulge from their sockets as he looked over at Terr, wondering if the man was crazier than him.

"You know this guy?" Garreaus whispered.

"He works in the same hangar as me," Terr explained to Ren and Garreaus.

Dilkev composed himself, his grip tightening on his weapon. "Always with the jokes, but I'm the one with more man power than you. What? Gonna complain the numbers aren't fair?

Terr rolled his eyes. "Of course they aren't fair. You would need to bring ten more men for this fight to be even. Or did you forget that you were going up against Kylo Ren? You're all a bunch of idiots." Ren pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering how in the hell Terrlon, of all people, was helming this conversation.

He would prefer less chatter and get straight to the part where he killed these men and left them dead on the dirt, where they could decompose comfortably. But, as much as he wanted to, Ren could not afford to intentionally hurt anyone on base. Therefore, Terr needed to shut his derisive mouth.

"Terr," Ren whispered harshly. "Shut. Up."

Dilkev and his men laughed as they swung their clubs and taunted him. "You scared, Kylo? Not strong enough to take on all of us? Or are you worried your mother will ground you for getting into a fight."

Fists balled, mouth clenched, and blood scalding his veins, Ren listed forward, but froze. He was close, so very close to losing control, but then he remembered what Rey had told him the night his execution had been cancelled.

" _I know you weren't purposefully doing it, but I need you to think about me if you ever get caught in a dangerous situation again. Your life is not the only one on the line."_

While he didn't really classify this as a dangerous setting, Rey would. She was right: Ren didn't take her into account in situations like these, but living a lifetime of being selfish didn't just go away overnight. Or even after a few weeks.

Looking at the men who were more than willing to stop his beating heart, Ren really wanted to return the spirited vigor. He couldn't, though. No matter how much he wanted to draw blood, he knew that with his connection to Rey, she would more than likely feel every blow he received. And he figured that there was always a possibility of him being killed.

Though, from this group of eager morons, the odds were one in a trillion.

The chances of Ren killing them all? One in one – which would put him in execution territory.

This moment of cognition was what led him to take a hard step back, conveying to the group that he didn't want to participate in what would have been a gratifying release.

"Coward," Dilkev spat out.

"You know something, _Dilk_." Terr enunciated his nickname threateningly, getting the full attention of the masculine promenade. "You're name sounds very close to dick. Anyone ever tell you that?"

And that was the last comprehensible word anyone got out for a while.

Dilkev reek-rushed straight at Terr, but deviated at the last second to Ren, who froze for a fraction of a moment while trying to decide what to do. The choice was made for him when Dilkev caught Ren in the middle and pile-drove him back against a thick tree, making the huge sapling tremble in frustration. Everything broke out into a mad scramble as Terr and Garreaus took on the rest of the group willingly, throwing punches that were precise and jaw-breaking.

BB-8 was nowhere to be seen.

The rough impact on the tree caused Ren's head to snap back against the splintering bark, rattling his brain and his body from the crown of his head, all the way to the tips of his toes. In spite of the dent he was sure he left in the wood, Ren just shrugged off the pain and grabbed onto Dilkev's dark patch of hair for some control. Without blinking, he brought the guys head right down in contact with his knee, causing a geyser of blood to spray all over them both.

Surprisingly, even though the man's nose was broken, Dilkev's response was just as fast – he returned the abuse by kneeing Ren in the groin so hard, he gagged and clutched onto his manhood. Still standing, which was a miracle, Ren noticed another guy coming at him. He Force pushed both Dilkev and the incomer into the circling trees. Sure as shit Ren needed a breather, because nothing made a man's vision turn blotchy like having his balls in a head-on collision with hard bone. He could take plenty, but not one single male in the universe could ever get used to getting hit down below.

Willpower and some healing had him overcome the groin agony quickly. Focusing on Terr and Garreaus, they had knocked out one of their opponents and were holding their own against the conscious two.

"Relying on the Force is a crutch move." Dilkev was already up, and besides the bleeding from his nose, looked very together. The guy's strength was actually commendable; his cheap crotch shot was not.

At least the other guy was out for the count.

"I can kill you without it," Ren replied as he picked up the metallic baton the man had dropped.

Dilkev came at him, dodging Ren's swings like he had some training on how to do so. The man caught the baton midair, but Ren had been expecting it and twisted the man around, putting him in a chokehold with the rod pressed against his throat. Dilkev jerked sharply and a sudden heat exploded in Ren's side, making him release the baton.

As Dilkev crumbled to the ground, gasping for air, Ren saw a sizable utility knife protruding from his right side, just below the ribs. Sliding the blade out with a grunt, he tossed it into the jungle and kicked the guy square on the back. Rotating him around, Ren straddled him, but before he could unwind the punch, Dilkev drilled his thumb right into the meaty wound. Sucking in a breath, Ren grabbed onto the man's pain inflicting hand… but instead of pushing it aside, he drove Dilkev's thumb even deeper.

Ren viciously smiled and laughed at the stinging pain, drawing a very disturbed look from his opponent.

Torture, in whatever form it took, came down to being an overload of sensations – something Ren didn't usually get from living day to day. However, the beatings and torture were not all about the physical, but how for a few brief moments, he was connected to these people in an intimate manner that he couldn't get anywhere else. It just went to show he wasn't only in it for the infliction of agony and the mind games. After all, enmity, like humanity, started from within, and all the pent up aggression and loneliness had to go somewhere.

Leaning forward, Ren darkly said, "You seem afraid." Dilkev grunted as he fought to free his hand, but Ren was having none of it. His eyes were wild, untamed, and the only thing separating him from an animal was the fact he was clothed. "Don't like what you see? How about I thumb your eyes out and feed them to you. Maybe that –"

Ren's head exploded from a bombardment of pressure, blinding him and making his form go limp. Vaguely, he felt his body fall to the ground and become a cushion for someone's boot. With his brain heated and pounding, it was difficult to muster up a single thought of how to fight back. So he just grabbed his head and curled his body inward to reflexively shield himself.

" _Ben!"_ Rey's voice resonated in his mind. She had forcibly opened his side of the bond and in doing so, caused him to be momentarily incapacitated. _"Oh, god. We're coming! I'm almost there! Don't hurt anyone!"_

The low oxygen levels to his brain, which alarmed him that he was close to blacking out, overshadowed the fact that Rey was speaking to him telepathically.

Multiple clubs were now pounding against his form, which meant something was wrong with Terr and Garreaus. A high pitch beeping cut through the walloping, and Ren opened his eyes to see BB-8 ram right into one of the attackers, whip out his small flame, and light the guys pant leg on fire. The man was quick to put it out, and then promptly struck BB-8 with his wooden club, making a dent in the small droids body.

Ren cracked at that point, the fury and bloodlust seeping into his psyche and he welcomed it like a spice addict welcomed their next fix. Addictions and compulsions were nothing but an orchestration of distraction, masking the truths that were unpleasant, but ultimately undeniable. This callous nature of hurting others was as much for his benefit as it was for the receivers: by hurting them, he restored himself to his rightful state.

The beating stopped immediately as Ren tucked his knees under his belly and lifted himself with his arms. On all fours, his head hung low as his ragged breathing escaped his lips. The air had turned hostile, the vibration of the impending outcome buzzing the molecules of his figure, his thoughts and hearing growing distant. Rey was yelling in his mind, but the words were indecipherable as his skull turned into an echo chamber.

He turned his head to see the three remaining men frozen mid strike, there eyes wide with a fear that transferred much needed strength into Ren's legs, allowing him to stand. Face to face with Dilkev, the man struggled against the invisible restriction on his throat, and Ren permitted himself to feel every pain and lick of fear that entered the man's consciousness.

Gravity shifted, levitating the men a foot off the ground, loose dirt and rocks floating around them. The wooden club in one of the men's hands splintered down the middle, the shards floating along with its master. The other two held metal batons that bent and dented in unnatural ways.

All of this lethal energy was coming from Ren, and yet, he didn't understand how he was able to do these things without giving specific commands to the Force. All of it just was, like it had been when he almost killed that boy when he was thirteen.

Watching the men as they turned blue in the face, the joy Ren felt was unmistakable, but the unfamiliar guilt was even more irrefutable. He actually felt some… guilt over possibly killing these men, while at the same time content with their lifeless outcome.

They wanted Ren dead, but a part of himself empathized with their reasoning behind the violence. Maybe he did kill one of Dilkev's relatives, and here Ren was, mercilessly rubbing it in the man's face like he didn't care.

Somewhere over the past few weeks, Ren had started to value sentient life again, and he hadn't noticed till right now.

Ren's emotional reorientation was extreme, his interior grid turning upside down on itself. He was drowning in his own self-discovery, not wanting to accept that he'd let such a weak feeling take up residence inside his small pool of morals. But then, this was how people felt when they finally got a clear picture of themselves after aeons of sublimation.

Not exactly a happy place to be in and it was hard to witness, but after giving the unearthing credence, it was hard to leave behind.

Ren pitied these men, and he would show them mercy.

Cutting himself off from the flow of the Dark side was easier than he'd initially thought. The men dropped to the ground, coughing and gasping while rolling around in the dirt. Ren's legs gave out and he directed the fall onto his rear, somehow finding a way to sit upright. He took this opportunity to gaze around, surveying the damage.

Blood was everywhere, glossy and crimson in the afternoon light, wafting into his nose. It was as if a bucket of paint had been cracked minutely open and spastic-splashed all over him, the ground, and the other men. Terr and Garreaus were sitting off to the side, bruised and bleeding like the rest of them. It was a wonder they were all still alive. Well, the leader he'd been brawling with didn't look so good… or sound so good. The guy, now unmoving on a bed of his own stupid decisions, had his eyes staring up at the trees, his wheezing becoming a theme song for how bruised his chest had become.

Ren's entire body throbbed along with the beat of his own heart, the main sensation being in his side where he'd been stabbed. Breathing in the hot air that smelled like fresh dirt and copper, he hurt all over and felt a lot better at the same time. Even though he didn't kill these men, he absolutely enjoyed hurting them.

Guess he wasn't completely cured of being a monster.

Easing onto his back, he let his palms feel the tepid dirt as he looked up at the entangled branches above. In the reality of the moment, Ren let himself accept that there was no ridding himself of the darkness, nor the light. Neither would ever leave him, even though he'd always secretly wished one of them would. This was the moment he realized that in spite of how hard he ran from himself, everywhere he went, there he was: a person who lived with one foot on land, and the other in the sea. And if he didn't want to be pulled apart by both of the opposing forces, he was going to need to figure out a way to create balance.

A laugh bubbled up from his chest, billowing from his cracked lips. Grabbing his head with both hands, Ren rocked back and forth, the amusement of the situation driving him to laugh till his stomach burned. He was slightly aware that Rey was kneeling next to him, trying to pry his hands from his face, but getting nowhere.

This knowledge went beyond living as Ben Solo and Kylo Ren simultaneously and into the fact that his power, the essence that made him up as a person, was from the Light and the Dark.

His whole life he thought he had to choose between the two sides of the Force, because that was what he'd always been taught. But he wasn't born to live with one over the other; he was meant to embrace both. Together.

The comfortable truth that prevailed within Ren made him laugh even harder, for the obstacle and the answer had always been obvious – he'd been living life blindfolded while trying to walk through a maze in the glaring light of day. By discarding his preconceived notions that were covering his sight, he could see. He could finally see.

As always, the epiphany's timing was impeccable.


	41. Close Call

The walls of the private medical room offered Rey a reprieve from the bustling state that was outside the door. It wasn't often the med droids and faculty received multiple wounded individuals on the base, especially with one being in critical condition. Ben had almost killed that man named Dilkev. Luckily, the military police showed up right after her, Finn, and Poe had found the disheveled scene.

Rey remembered how Ben had been laughing, rolling on the ground like he couldn't contain the last of his pent up energy. Rey would have preferred him to be withering in pain, because she couldn't understand what he found so amusing. Did he still get off on violence? Did he find almost killing a handful of people funny? It was upsetting to see him act in such a way, but then his bouts of glee had finally subsided as he was strapped to a hover-stretcher and hauled to the med bay. The silence and distant stare that prevailed upon his face was even more disconcerting. It was baffling how one person could go from an extreme high, to an extreme low in a matter of seconds.

Rey had never met anyone that could do that. She'd read about them, and usually they were classified as being insane.

Now, glancing over at his reclined form on the plush bed, Ben was… content? The lines in his face that were always subservient to his tense nature, now seemed relaxed, his eyes no longer full of that shade of anger that was so familiar. What happened out there? She'd never seen him so complacent, not even with her.

This was a riddle she didn't have all the clues to, especially since they'd barely spoken to one another since she found him.

The door slid open, a very annoyed Luke striding into the room, his robes rustling behind. His steely eyes went straight to Ben. "You refused to go into the bacta tank?"

Ben sat up, clutching his side as he put his back against the sterile wall. "I can heal myself over the next few hours. The others needed it more than me."

"How giving of you," Luke said flatly.

Rey spoke up before they started snapping at each other. "What did the council say?"

Luke's studious eyes lingered on Ben before gliding to her. "Ben has been put on probation for the stunt in the dining hall."

"Just probation?"

"Given how the council went behind Leia's back to get Ben executed, this is their way of making it up to her."

"They can't be as forgiving with what happened in the jungle."

"Because BB-8 recorded the whole incident, the council was able to see that Ben didn't start the altercation. While the use of the Force at the end was concluded as being excessive, the majority of them agreed that he had the right to defend himself." The Jedi Master glanced back at Ben. "Just so you know, if one of them had died, the outcome would be very different."

"What about Terr and Garreaus?" Ben asked, brushing off Skywalker's last remark.

"Terrlon was also dealt probation, since he provoked the fight."

Ben scoffed. "I'd hardly call that provocation."

"I actually agree, but I can't do anything for him."

"What will happen to the five guys who attacked them?" Rey cut in.

"They're being court-martialed."

That was… unexpected. Out of the corner of her eye, she could tell Ben was smiling. "Seriously?" Rey asked, her voice an octave higher with surprise.

"They went there with the intent to cause Ben bodily harm and/or kill him. They're fortunate the punishment isn't more severe. They could've been tried and sent to prison."

Rey was still shocked that they received any punishment at all. But then again, Leia was probably infuriated that a group had tried to kill her only child.

Luke moved closer to his nephew, his gaze serious. "You're going to come train with Rey every day from now on."

Ben's forehead furrowed, his eyebrows hooding over eyes that blazed with consternation. "Excuse me?"

"You don't have to participate –"

"Good. I won't."

Luke pursed his lips. "You just have to be in the same room as us. No more doing whatever you want around here."

"Yeah, cause I had so much freedom surrounded by thousands of people who abhor me."

"All from your own doing, Ben. Remember that." Luke turned his attention to Rey. "We can resume training tomorrow morning, if that's alright."

She cleared her throat quickly and said, "Yeah. That'll work."

Luke nodded and headed for the door, but Ben's voice stopped the Jedi Master from leaving. "I've been trying to speak with the general this past week. Do you know why she won't see me?"

Rey was taken aback that Ben asked such a question to his uncle, which showed that he must be getting desperate to know what was holding his mother back from speaking with him.

Ben did care, and that gave Rey a sliver of comfort.

Luke breathed deeply, his expression actually showing Ben a spark of compassion before saying, "Leia's been tied up with trying to persuade the Core Worlds not to join the First Order. As you can imagine, it's taking up most of her time."

Most. Not all.

Ben nodded and Luke left, the room falling once again into silence. More than likely, Luke knew his sister was avoiding Ben, but Rey wasn't going to say that out loud. From Ben's remote face, he knew already.

Rey went about touring the small room, looking at the various equipment, even going as far as trying to open a cabinet. It was locked.

Not knowing what to say to Ben, Rey was once again reminded how poor her social skills were.

"I know you're mad at me," Ben whispered, freeing her from breaking the ice.

Rey glanced over, seeing that he was looking down at the pale blankets.

"I'm not mad at you." _Not anymore_. Truth be told, she'd been furious before BB-8 released the recording. Rey had immediately jumped to the conclusion that Ben had sought out those men and tried to kill them in an attempt to make himself feel better about the whole Jess debacle. Stars, Rey was still coming to grips with _that_ whole thing.

Ben looked up and over, his strands of raven hair falling into his eyes. "Honestly?"

"You didn't start it. You defended yourself."

"If there wasn't a video proving that, would you still believe me if I told you I didn't initiate it?"

"If you told me you didn't, I'd believe you." Rey answered without hesitation. The problem was, he hadn't told her anything. No 'I didn't start it' or 'I can explain…' So naturally, her imagination roamed wild and free, and it hadn't helped knowing what kind of man Ben could be.

"Did you feel much of the fight? I'm sorry if –"

"I did in the beginning, but I was able to block most of it out." Rey's spine phantom ached remembering the unexpected experience. She'd been running with Poe and Finn through the jungle and then suddenly, she was on the ground, gasping at the blaring pain. Determined to keep going, she successfully dulled the sensation, allowing her to focus her energy on breaking through to Ben.

Ben smiled and then motioned for her to sit by him. A warm tingle shot through her body. "Are you okay?" Rey asked while eyeing him closely and parking her rear next to his. "You seem… I don't know… different."

Ben grabbed her cool hand, kissing the back while chuckling in a way that seemed carefree. Something was definitely off. "Seems like everyone is either really observant today or I'm getting worse at hiding my emotions. Do I seem worse to you?"

She squinted and then tilted her head. "No, you don't. It's hard to pinpoint, but you seem at ease, in a way. It's weird."

He rested their locked hands on his lap, his eyes watching as he traced her fingers idly. "Because I'm always tense?"

"Well, yes, there's that. But I was gonna say it's weird because you just got in a fight where you could have died."

His head rolled back and his eyes mimicked the movement. "I wasn't close to dying. Trust me."

Her eyebrows rose as Lothal came to mind. "You have a bad track record of overestimating yourself."

"You can't become stronger if you always underestimate your abilities," he said as he tucked a hair behind her ear, drawing her into his blazing eyes, noticing how he hungrily looked at her lips. "But I want you to know, I held back from initiating anything because I thought of you. Taking you into account changed my outlook."

"Are you telling me this to get some type of reward?"

He moved in slowly, bringing his head down to her level. "Maybe…."

Rey lifted her chin, connecting their lips as Ben moved against hers in a curious childish delight. Dipping his hands beneath her bottom, he full on palmed her rear and lifted her onto his lap, his mouth going for the thin skin of her throat. Lulling her head back, Rey entangled her hands in his hair, coaxing him to keep going. With his hands now splayed on her back, he pushed her body closer to his, her chest very close to his eye level.

Everything about Ben felt warm and familiar, solid and safe. She wanted to cling to every part of him, bury her face in the crook of his neck, shut her eyes from the outside galaxy so she could commit to losing herself in this electric feeling.

But they were in a medical room… with no lock on the door… where someone could walk in at any moment.

Ben laughed and kissed her lightly. "I can sense your sudden anxiety and I agree, we should probably stop… but I don't want to."

Rey ran her fingers down his face, always paying extra attention to the scar she branded him with. "I don't want you to stop, either."

Eyes tightly shut, he groaned and placed his forehead against her sternum. "The things you do to me, I swear." They stayed in that position for what seemed like minutes: Ben's arms wrapped around her, his breath seeping down her tunic, her chin resting on the crown of his head. If it wasn't for the fact of impossibility, she would have started to wonder if he fell asleep.

"Ben?"

"Mmmm…" his response vibrated against her chest.

"What… what happened out there?"

He pulled back, throwing his hair to the side with a quick head toss. "I was going to ask you the same thing."

"What?"

His hand kept traveling along her cheek, neck, and collarbone, making it difficult to pay attention. Rey wasn't sure if he was doing it on purpose, because unlike her, he appeared lucid. "You spoke to me telepathically. How did you know you could do that?"

"Oh." She thought back to her running through the jungle. "Umm… I didn't know, actually. I broke through to your side of the connection so I could find you quicker and then I just kinda knew it was possible."

Stopping his hand on her neck, he asked, "Would you be up to trying it again?" The bond suddenly became lighter and less rigid, which meant his side was completely open to her. Inhaling, she allowed herself to be vulnerable and let their essences intermingle.

" _Rey,"_ he said without moving his lips.

Her eyes bulged. " _I can hear you."_

Their thoughts abruptly became spastic, jumbling up to the point where they no longer made sense.

Ben's grip went to her hips as he searched her face, laughing at being able to do the impossible. "Sorry. I got too excited and lost concentration."

Eyes crinkling from hearing Ben's unruly laughter, she joined him, her smile covering her face in the process. "Me too. It's kind of difficult to interact that way."

He quieted down and locked onto her eyes _. "Thoughts are not very corporeal and are extremely fleeting. It requires focus to be able to talk like this."_

" _It's really strange."_

" _We'll get used to it the more we practice."_ His eyes glowed with wonderment. _"It's really amazing, if you think about it. Only a handful of people have been able to converse telepathically and now we are among the rarity."_

His excitement made her cringe slightly, because she didn't feel his same level of joy over the newfound discovery. It was intriguing, yes, but she liked how things already were.

Ben caught onto her rigidity, his face falling into complacency. "Or… do you not like speaking that way?" he asked out loud.

She shrugged, placing her palms on his chest so she could start fidgeting, but he grabbed both and held onto her. "I'd rather live in reality than in my mind, if that's okay."

"Oh… yeah, we can do that." Ben cleared his throat. "If there's one thing we're good at by now, it's keeping the connection between us closed," Ben said in a joking manner, but Rey didn't catch on with the flippancy. There might have been an injured undertone to his 'joke'.

"I'm not saying we should never talk through the connection. We can still practice. It's just…"

"You like actual talking," he finished for her.

"Yeah…" That was part of it. "And sometimes I feel closer to you when the bond is closed." Ben furrowed his brows, puzzled by her statement. "I know it doesn't make sense. You would think with our minds opened, I'd feel closer. But I like talking out loud with you and asking you how you're feeling and not always knowing everything that runs through your head. It gives us more of an opportunity to work at getting to know one another."

Rey chalked up her years of rarely using her vocal chords as the reason why she actually wanted to use them. Speaking in her mind reminded Rey a little too much of how she would daydream fantastical scenarios and talk with non-existent friends in her thoughts. In a way… those years spent alone… were like being stuck in her own head.

Sighing heavily, she continued, "Living for so long on my own never really gave me –"

"I get it, Rey. I do." Her shoulders dropped as the pent up tension left her upper body. Communicating with Ben still felt like new territory, but it was getting increasingly easier to tell him her opinions.

He jolted her with a small tug on the hips. "You shouldn't do that, you know."

"Do what?"

"Shy away from speaking your mind. I could see you were nervous to tell me how you felt, but you shouldn't be. Your thoughts matter; speak with confidence, and demand to be heard."

Easy for him to say…. He spent the last six years ordering people around and controlling part of the First Order. The only time Rey got real with people was when food or trading was involved.

She meekly grinned. "I guess I'm not used to voicing what goes on in my head."

"Practice will make it become second nature," his deep voice assured. "And don't ever think I'll get upset because you have a mind of your own."

"Well, I could be like you," she pointed playfully at his chest, "and reply to everyone with an eye roll and a snarky comment."

"I don't do that." Rey flatly stared at him. He shrugged shyly. "Okay, maybe I do that." She chuckled as he caressed her cheek tenderly, his eyes going to her lips, making it obvious what he wanted. Now would probably be a good time to get off his lap… but she had no willpower to do so. If someone walked in… oh well. She was way too comfortable with where she was. But before she got entangled with him again, she needed some answers.

"What happened out there, Ben? I can sense something different about you."

So much affection shined in his eyes that Rey almost glanced away, but she decided to go with the moment. "I realized… that what I'd been trying to do my whole life has been an enormous waste of time," he whispered. "I always believed that I had to choose one side of the Force over the other, but I don't."

Rey's eyes bounced around his face, showing her confusion. "I don't understand."

"I'm meant to live with the Light and the Dark."

"…But… the Dark side is evil."

"It can be," Ben breathed out.

"It is," Rey insisted strongly. "It's driven people to do horrible things in its name. Greed, power, corruption – that all lies within the Dark side."

_And you killed Han because of it..._

Ben's demeanor was one of patience, like he was explaining his reasoning to a child. It would've annoyed Rey, but she was so thrown off by what he was saying, she let it go. "I don't necessarily see it that way. The Light side can also have those qualities; they just aren't as obvious. The Jedi council of the Old Republic was hungry for power. They believed that they were wiser than the rest of the galaxy, and would force people to see their ways."

"Uhhhh, I think you're twisting the truth around."

He cocked his head. "Am I? Their arrogance of being an all-seeing society was what brought them down in the first place. And arrogance is a trait they claimed not to have."

"No one is perfect and even Jedi are bound to make mistakes."

"I think the biggest mistake was dividing the Dark and Light side of the force into two rigid segments." He bit his lower lip while trying to think up an explanation. "Think of the Force like an ocean: the light stays on the surface, because it can't penetrate down to the bottom. The more you swim down, the darker it becomes, but the ocean life becomes more concentrated. The ocean is one, collected organism and what if the Force is much the same? The top of the ocean is the superficial and safe place to be, but the bottom is where the raw and fundamental power is held."

Rey gave him a skeptical stare. "It still doesn't explain why the Dark side drives people crazy."

"Well, if you don't come up to the surface, you drown. Much like what was happening to me."

"And you came to this conclusion while out there… being beaten… and almost killing people."

"I realized that both the Light and Dark will never leave me and I have to figure out a way to balance both. The concept of the ocean came to me while being in this room." His hands wandered to her thighs, creating a delicious friction as he rubbed his palms up and down.

Rey tried to see things from his way, but it went against everything Luke had taught her. "So this is a new concept?"

Ben took a deep breath. "I wouldn't say new. My analogy is just different. There were once gray Jedi who practiced the fullness of the Force."

Rey was surprised to hear that such a Jedi had once existed. "And what happened to them?"

Be shifted, becoming uncomfortable by her question. "Their, uh, practices died off… or they fell to the Dark side."

"Oh, well, that's comforting," Rey said with an edge as she folded her arms across her chest, inadvertently putting space between her and Ben.

"Drawing power from both places is hard to live with."

"And yet, you want to." Rey shook her head. "Forgive me, but I think this is a horrible idea."

Ben went quiet, studying her serious expression while giving her nothing to go on from his even face. "You don't think I can do it," he stated, not questioned.

Her exhale was long, giving her time to think. It wasn't that she didn't think he could do it, it was that... well... yeah, she didn't think he could do it. But it wasn't because she thought him weak. Unraveling her arms, Rey placed her hands on his chest, leaning in and speaking softly. "You have lived in the darkness for too long and have a certain love for the power it gives you. I just – I worry about you falling back into it."

Ben's brows tightened. "Truthfully, I was never fully in it to begin with. No matter what I did, the Light never left me. Not even after…" _Killing his father_ , Rey finished inwardly as Ben lost focus for a moment. "I don't think the Dark side can fully consume me."

"Now that seems like an arrogant statement."

"It's not –"

"And what would you do if I'm killed?" Ben froze, gazing at her. "What would happen to you? You gonna stay with the Resistance and fight the Order? Or are you gonna go back to what you once knew?" Rey knew the questions to be challenging, but she wanted him to think about these things before they actually happened.

"I…" Ben faltered trying to find the answers. "I don't think I'd give up, but I wouldn't know unless I'm actually faced with the scenario – which I hope never happens," he said, his gaze gluing onto her hard. "Also… and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but what happened with my father… it's the main reason why I haven't completely gone back to being Kylo Ren. So if something happens to you, more than likely I'd either follow you, or live my life alone."

Rey's mouth slackened, not out of offense, but from how honest he'd just been. "Ben…"

"That's what I'll do, and you can't persuade me otherwise."

They gazed at each other before she whispered, "I wouldn't want you to live alone."

He chuckled. "Well, I'm not a make-a-lot-of-friends kind of guy."

"I didn't mean that."

Ben was perplexed for a moment before his eyes went wide with what she was insinuating. "Yeah... I'm just going to get it out in the open, here and now, that I would never love another woman, Rey. It's never going to happen."

"But –"

"You think anyone would put up with me?" He asked passionately. "You're it for me, Rey. You're all I'll ever want. To me, no other girl compares to you, and I have met plenty of women."

Rey cringed, imagining how many women he's slept with. The imagery was vomit inducing.

"I, uh, I promised BB-8 I'd check on him." Rey slid off his lap, but Ben grabbed her hand before she could abruptly leave. He hoisted himself to his full height, gazing at her with worry and confusion.

"Are you mad at me?" he inquired fearfully.

"No." _I don't know._ Thinking about him with other women… it didn't make her happy, that's for damn sure.

"I know what I was saying about the Force was unconventional, but I wanted to be honest with you."

"I just worry about you and…" she sighed, not really wanting to talk about the ways of the Force anymore. "Can we talk more about this later? I think it'll be good for me to think about it on my own for a while." Really, Rey just wanted to get out of the room. She would think about what Ben said; she'll just do it once she gets certain graphic images from her mind.

"Okay…" His palm slipped away from her wrist, lazily going to his side. "Let me know how BB-8 is doing. He took a hard hit."

"I will... and about Jess... Are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine," he assured.

Making her way to the exit, she could feel his eyes on her frame, scrutinizing her every move like it would offer a clue as to what was bothering her. Feeling slightly bad over leaving him in an awkward way, Rey paused, glancing over at him. "I'm not disappointed in you, Ben. And don't think I'm mad at you. Everything's fine." He still looked at her quizzically, which meant she wasn't very convincing. "Call me on the comm link when you get released and I'll come get you."

"You don't need to come –"

"I'll feel better if I did. Okay?" Ben nodded, Rey smiled, and then she left. It was weird that with their obvious connection and having been in the same room, one little comment from him had made her feel miles away. Out of that semi-bizarre conversation, all she could focus on was the fact he had slept with other women before meeting her. Did he ever have feelings for one of them? Or was it all meaningless?

Was this jealousy?

It sure was, and it was over women Rey had never met.

 _Get a grip. You haven't even been with him_ , she told herself. But… she wanted to be with him completely and without boundaries.

Even though Rey was a virgin, her mind had no problem plaguing her with a heavy stream of compromising pictures. Rubbing her eyes like it might get rid of them, Rey entered the hallways and made her way to the droid repair center, hoping like hell she didn't dream about those horrid images while sleeping.

With her dreams comprised, there would be no other form of escape.

()()()()()

Ren stiffly sat down on the bed's edge, his eyes still on the door Rey had gone through. He didn't understand: one second she was an active participator in their conversation and the next, she had suddenly checked out. She seemed to be frustrated, but over what? His unorthodox view of the Force was strange, but not something to get mad over. At least, he didn't think so. Maybe she was upset that he wasn't totally forsaking the Dark, like she wanted him to.

Her worry over that was warranted, and in truth, he was skittish about it as well. There was a reason no one practiced both sides of the Force: sooner or later, the Dark became too overwhelming. But even when he willingly wanted to live in that fetid pit, Ren's ties to the Light never allowed him to. So, through logic that was shaky at best, he concluded that he was in a way immune to falling completely to the Dark side.

Was the deduction arrogant? Partially yes, because, after all, this was _him_ he was dealing with.

One aspect of the revelation Ren couldn't deny was how right it all seemed to be. The feeling was a warm wave rushing over his spine, heating his body to the point of relaxation and contentment. In someone who was not Force sensitive, the sensation was equivalent to being beaten over the head with an electro-baton full of life's answers. It was that obvious.

If only he discovered this six years ago, before he took the plunge into the deep end.

Knowing this new information brought about a new dimension of pain over slaughtering so many people. All those students at the academy, the random deaths, even Lor San Tekka… they all died because he never truly had an opportunity to inwardly reflect without all the outside noise interfering.

Looking back on it, it was becoming easier to see how Ren had been manipulated all his life. And that included Snoke. His old master had coaxed and goaded his ego, telling him exactly what he wanted to hear. What was wrong with him? How could he have fallen for the rose-colored words and handed out compliments?

And why, after everything, did a part of himself still crave to hear those things from him?

Because he wanted a family, and Snoke had taken over the role of guardian. His master had been his true family for most of his life, and such a feeling was hard to exorcise.

Rubbing his face and breathing deeply, Ren needed a distraction from thinking about his former master. His sight roamed the cabinets that lined the walls, bringing him back to the present by forming an idea.

He was light on his bare feet as he darted for the drawers. They all had simple locks that were easy to mentally open and it didn't take long to find what he needed before sensing Hater's approaching presence. The door opened just as he made it to the bed, sitting in much the same way as before.

The doctor greeted him with a familiar smile, placing a small bag and a handful of books on the counter. "How is your side feeling?" she asked as she grabbed a chair and parked it in front of him. Next, she went for the box of rubber gloves next to the bed and snapped them on.

"Better. I think I can be discharged now."

Sitting directly in his view, Harter said, "Seeing how I'm the doctor, I'll be the judge of that. Can you lift up your shirt so I can take a look?" Ren raised the white tunic, watching as her steady hands went for the bacta-patch covering the small wound. Peeling it back carefully, her fingers outlined the laceration, her eyes scrutinizing the fast progression of healing. "This is impressive," she spoke in wonder. "Even with the bacta-patch, it shouldn't be this healed."

"There are ways to speed the process."

"So I've heard, but to actually see it…" Harter changed the dressing professionally quick, her eyes still showing how deep in thought she had become. Ren lowered his shirt as Harter peeled off her gloves and threw them in the wastebasket by the door. "If only I could somehow bottle up this ability of yours." Ren returned her small grin, shifting his eyes down to his lap as to appear humble.

"Well," Dr. Kalonia said in a stronger voice, "I see no reason to keep you here." She picked up the bag from the counter and handed it to him. Inside were his jacket and boots. "The blood wouldn't come out of your shirt and trousers, so those had to be thrown away. But this jacket seems to be indestructible." He fished it out, sliding his arms into the familiar fabric. "Sorry you have to wear the medical garb out of here."

"It's alright," he reassured her. A speedy trip to his room would cure him of the white attire.

"How are you doing?" Harter asked.

Placing the boots on his feet, Ren replied, "Fine. The bruises don't hurt and I'm more than capable –"

"I didn't mean physically," she interrupted.

Straightening his back, he glanced up and was glad not to see Harter staring at him with the same level of worry Rey had. Her face was even and stoic, like a doctor should be.

"I'm fine," he repeated.

"I understand you've been trying to get an audience with Leia."

Ren exhaled like he'd been punched in the gut. "Have you… spoken with her recently?" If Skywalker didn't want to give him answers, maybe Harter would.

"Yes."

"Is she really as busy as I've been told?"

The doctor went back to sitting in the chair, making it so she didn't have to look down at him. Indeed, her bedside manner was exceptional. "With the Republic in shambles, she's being forced to act like a senator and a general all at the same time." Ren nodded, knowing that was more than likely one of the reasons. "But," Harter added, "that doesn't mean she has zero time to see you."

"So… she _is_ ignoring me."

"Possibly. She's never outright said that."

"You're one of her closest friends, and yet you're fine telling me this?

Harter rubbed her lips together, taking her time with finding the right words. "I know that it bothers you," she said in a hushed voice. "When you were young, you spent a lot of your free time following me around at the clinic, hounding me with questions no child should've actually thought up. Leia is my friend; she always will be, but I've never agreed with her parenting technique." _Or lack of parenting technique_. "I noticed how it hurt you. How… sad you were. For what it's worth, Leia called me before I came in here and asked how you were doing."

It was worth very little.

Glancing away at the good doctor, Ren wasn't sure how to feel. He felt embarrassed that Dr. Kalonia had noticed how lonely he'd been, frustrated over Leia ignoring him, and surprised that he really cared.

"Did you know I was once married?"

Ren's eyes shifted back to her face, surprised over what she just said. "You were?"

"Yeah. I married my childhood sweetheart when I was eighteen and became pregnant with my daughter a few months later."

 _What?_ "I didn't know you have a daughter."

"I did," she said solemnly. "Once. My husband and her were killed in a speeder accident when she was four. After that, I was lost for a while until my parents told me I should give medicine a shot." Harter spoke so evenly over something so tragic, it was eerily weird. But Ren figured that over time, she got used to her own reality. "I was always drawn to science, so I agreed and worked hard while in school. I poured every ounce of myself into my career, and then one day, I realized I was fifty and alone. I never truly processed my grief over losing my family, and it inadvertently left me shut out to the possibility of getting another chance."

She glanced at the door, her mind transporting her to the past for a brief second. "Things... happen that are beyond our control, and if we never let the hurt go, we become stagnant, never moving forward." Looking back at him, her eyes seared into his brain, holding him in place. "Don't let your youth define you as a person, okay? Accept the unchangeable and move on. Understand?"

Ren nodded, because he had no idea what else to do.

"I know I don't have to tell you to stay out of trouble, but I'm going to anyway." Harter stood, pegging him with a stern look and staring at him from under low brows. "Stay out of trouble… and don't forget the books on the counter."

They exchanged their goodbyes and then the silence of the room prevailed upon Ren like a turbulent storm. While lingering in the private space longer than necessary, he didn't know if he had it in him to forget his past and the lies that had surrounded it. Would holding onto ill feelings make him incapable of truly living? He sure did feel alive as he looked around the room.

Gathering the heavy books before departing, he found Terr and Garreaus waiting for him by the med bay's exit. They were bruised far worse than him, but then again, they couldn't heal themselves.

"Man, it's really not fair that we have to walk around looking like this," Terr's finger circled his swollen face, "while you get to cheat. At least you're stuck with that hideous scar."

"I take it you guys are doing okay?"

"We've had worse," Garreaus responded candidly. "Luckily nothing was broken. How's BB-8?"

"Rey went to check on him. I was going to go find her after I stopped by my room to change."

Terr shifted his weight between legs, looking nervous. "Oh. Well, we were wondering if you wanted to come visit Liz with us. She has a room just down the hall so she can be close to the medical wing."

Ben's heart jumped in his throat, making it hard to swallow. "Is that fine with her? I don't want to come by unannounced."

"Of course it's fine. She wants to see you so she can thank you."

His eyes pivoted between the two men. "For what?"

"For what?!" Terr basically shouted. "Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact you saved her daughter. Some people might view that as a big deal."

But Ren didn't want to be thanked for that. He didn't want to be thanked period. "I'll, uh, come by tonight after last meal, if that's alright." He was already trying to find a way out of not going. "Rey wanted to meet up after I was discharged." Not a complete lie.

"Sure. We'll see you at dinner and then bring you over here."

As they parted, Ren robotically walked to the section of the base where his room would be, all the while getting silent stares from passing individuals. He didn't want to think about visiting Liz. In a way, he felt like he let her down by not being there to save Jorfel. Yes, he gave her back Anna, but… he still felt like a failure.

Maybe he expected too much from himself. He wasn't the Force; he couldn't be everywhere.

Making it back to his room, be put the medical supplies he'd stolen into his closet, along with the books. After he changed into his usual don't-think-about-approaching-me get-up, he headed back out, following Rey's Force signature to the other side of the base. Really, this whole place was a work out all its own: there were no multiple levels, no basement to save space. This whole facility was one, even floor that expanded over a few miles of land. Some parts of the base were still being revamped so it was livable, which was why the council stayed on the cruiser – their plethora of suites weren't ready to be inhabited just yet. They graciously wanted the regular living bunks to be finished first.

Their noble orders almost brought a tear to his eye.

Jarringly, an invisible rope pulled on Ren's gut, almost causing him to lose balance. Shifting his eyes to the right, he halted, vaguely feeling someone walk into his back and say something. But as he focused down the intersecting hallway to the door at the far end, he couldn't hear anything as his body started to vibrate. Ren had passed by the corridor earlier, when he'd been mindlessly running while trying to find a way outside. He had ignored the gut-tugging feeling then, but now, as his eyes went tunnel vision, he didn't want to.

Walking to what seemed to be a normal entrance, an official Data Center sign was placed by the operating panel. Between one blink and the next, he entered the room, taking in the numerous servers and monitors that lined the walls. Most Resistance troopers visited the center when they wanted access to a mainframe with higher processing capabilities, since datapads could only get you so far.

A woman in the far corner stood, her eyes widening from the sight of him. In her shaky hands was her personal datapad. Diving into her mind, Ren commanded, "You will give me your datapad and leave this room with no memory of ever seeing me."

Her eyes glazed over as she entered a trance-like state. "I will give you my datapad and leave this room with no memory of ever seeing you." Striding over, she handed over the sleek tech and left, giving Ren full reign over the area. Well, until someone walked through the door.

Ren went over to one of the compact server boxes and wirelessly linked it into the network. He didn't know why he had the urgent need to do this, but something in the back of his thoughts was urging him forward, demanding that he kept going. The prompting was hard to ignore, so he didn't.

With the datapad acting as a monitor, he went to the Galactic Identification Archives and searched for one of the names he'd kept buried in the back of his mind over the past few weeks. What the monitor showed confused him:

_**Jacen Storand, name unknown.** _

But the man was real. Ren had seen it in Unkar Plutt's mind weeks ago. And it wasn't like that slug knew how to create false memories.

Ren quickly tried the next name, only to receive the same result:

_**Maridia Ropetho, name unknown.** _

Unknown? That can't be possible. Unless... Were their names erased from the archives?

Ren quickly went to the New Republic Archives, his heart starting to batter against his ribs as adrenaline pumped his anxiety up another notch. Throughout the years, he'd become well versed in many different skill sets, but hacking hadn't been one of them. He knew the basics, but those insufficient means were getting him nowhere and he didn't have an infinite amount of minutes left in this room.

As an idea came to his mind, he scoffed it off as being ridiculous. But looking more into the prospect, he realized that senators were not the only people who had access to New Republic records; high-ranking military officials did as well.

His father had been an official general of the Rebellion and New Republic, and Ren still remembered his credentials and passcode. Problem was, when he had given the information over to the Order when he joined, they told him it didn't work anymore.

But… maybe the hold on the passcode was removed when Han went back to the Resistance… before he left for Starkiller….

With shaky hands, Ren typed the numbers and letters and almost fainted when he saw that he was in. Finding his focus, he typed the first name into the file search bar and finally got somewhere.

**Name: Jacen Storand.**

**Species/Gender: Human male**

**Born: 14 BBY**

**Death: Deceased**

**Homeworld: Coruscant**

**Spouse: Maridia Ropetho**

**Species/Gender: Human Female**

**Born: 10 BBY**

**Death: Deceased**

**Homeworld: Dandoran**

**Children: Reyna Storand**

**Species/Gender: Human Female**

**Born: 15 ABY**

**Death: Deceased**

**Homeworld: Coruscant**

There were no pictures of the three, nor did it give any information on how they died. If this was indeed what Ren thought it was, then the girl Reyna was still very much alive and the records had been falsified. Could that mean Jacen and Maridia still lived? And why would anyone tamper with these files? Obviously, someone erased their existence from the public archives, but overlooked doing the same in private government records.

Scrolling down, he found a video file named **Operation Varactyl**. A few paragraphs below that was an official report. Even though Ren knew he should leave, he initiated the video before reading the rest.

A woman was huddled in the corner of a cell, her head down on her knees, long arms wrapped around her legs. Her heavy robes draped her frame, covering her skin from neck to foot. The angle was from a camera in the upper corner of the room, giving Ren a full shot of the entrance. There was a -click- and a man glided into the quarters, his face seething with disgust for the vulnerable woman. She lifted her head to look –

Ren suddenly gripped the datapad harder, surprised it didn't crack under the pressure. His mouth went dry as he studied the woman's face, thinking back to when he last saw her weeks ago... in a dream… where she had been leaving her child behind on Jakku. Ren's ears rang as he recalled how he suffered through the torrential screams of that little girl and how he'd been powerless to stop her from being dragged away by that obese alien.

This woman was Rey's mother.

"You have no right to hold me here. I've done nothing wrong," Maridia spat at the tall officer. The man looked familiar, but Ren couldn't place where he'd seen him.

"I have every right, actually," the man said, walking around the cell pompously. "Especially after everything your _family_ has done to the galaxy."

The woman huffed indignantly, her eyes looking murderous. Gods, Rey had those fiery eyes. "I told you, I'm not a descendant of the Emperor. My mother was born on Dandoran, just like her mother before her. We have a family trading business that's been in my family for hundreds of years –"

"We have reason to believe you weren't born into your family, but taken in."

Maridia blinked. "No, I wasn't." She stood while shaking her head. "My mother would always tell me how complicated her pregnancy was–."

"Lies, no doubt to hide what she knew she was harboring. How long have you known about your true origins?"

The woman didn't answer.

"You have a child, right? You and your husband must've dropped her off somewhere before we caught up with you. Where is she?"

"You'll never find her."

As the man sized the woman up, probably thinking about getting the information through physical means, distant shouting came through the audio. What soon followed was jumbled and hard to focus on, but Ren was able to decipher the quick succession of events. Someone burst into the room and went after the interrogator, yelling for Maridia to escape. Reinforcements entered and the woman screamed as she ran at the armed battalion. Blaster fire lit up the small holding cell and once everything calmed, Maridia and the man who came to save her were dead.

"What have you done!" The head interrogator shouted at the men. He fell next to the woman, trying to find any signs of life.

"She ran at us, and the man was trying to kill you!" A guard shouted.

The officer wheeled around. "I don't care what they were doing, the orders were clear that they were not to be harmed! They were –" Ren paused the video, eyes glued to the outline of the man's facial structure and eyes. With a clarity that made him sick, he realized that this was Major Ematt, one of the Resistance council members.

Ren was breathing hard, his whole body trembling, his gray cells firing at a rate he couldn't keep up with. Somehow, he'd gone through the motions of transferring the file to the datapad and securing it against his waist between his trousers and skin. Hiding the pad with his shirt, he let his feet guide him out into the hallway since his head and heart were too fried to remain in the present.

After a few minutes, Ren purchased his mind and calmed his heart to a rate that wasn't in heart-attack territory. Many different scenarios had ran through his mind as to why Rey's parents never came back for her, but what he just witnessed was the last thing he thought he would ever find. Sure, he figured they were dead and that was the reason why he never brought the names up to Rey. But murdered by the holier-than-thou government?

None of it made sense. Was the New Republic really hunting Palpatine's descendants? Did the Emperor even have any? He never heard of the man having children, but Ren couldn't put it out of the realm of possibility. After all, Vader had children.

The headache came on sharp and fast, like he had taken a nail directly to his frontal lobe. Putting a hand against the cold wall, he listed to the right and thought… well, shit, this had to be in the top worst moments of his life and this newly discovered information didn't even pertain to him. Ren closed his eyes and seriously considered throwing up, and while the debate raged in his head whether or not to actually do it, he thought of Rey – not as the woman she was now, but of the child she had been.

She'd been dumped on that unforgiving and merciless planet for reasons that were becoming obvious, but still somewhat unclear, and forced to grow up alone over the span of fifteen years. And it had all been set in motion because her parents were being hunted over a 'likelihood' and killed during an unsuccessful escape. The New Republic did this to her, and by association, the Resistance as well.

Major Ematt was on the council.

Major Ematt… was on… the fucking… council.

That familiar shadow came up behind him, whispering, seducing, pulling him toward a plan for retribution that made his insides spike with anticipation. In his time spent here, he'd never felt more like Kylo Ren than in this moment, not even when he was out there in the jungle. He wanted to concede control over to this part of himself, to let it take the wheel until the violence was completed.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, laughter was echoing, maniacal and greedy. His breathing hitched as he recognized he was spiraling into that void again, the one that always enticed him with a good deal but gave him fodder in return. Gods, he was going crazy feeling this divided between right and wrong. And he thought he could live in balance? What an extremely naïve thing–

"Ben!" Rey shouted from behind, her voice booming from down the hall.

Ren inhaled sharply from surprise, causing spit to lodge itself in his trachea. Coughing like he was trying to expel a lung, Rey, Poe, and a pristine looking BB-8 came up beside him, casting him worried looks. Rey patted his broad back, soothing him to breath normally. It took longer than normal to set an even rhythm, and it wasn't because he'd been choking on spit.

"I didn't think it was possible for you to get startled," Poe poked fun. "And did you take a few laps around this place after you got discharged? You're all sweaty."

"You don't look well. Are you feeling okay?" Rey asked.

"Uh huh," Ren heard himself say, unsure as to whom he was answering.

"I was going to ask you about Jess, but maybe you should go lay down in your room for a bit," Poe suggested.

Ren's gut fell even further at the mention of that girl. Currently, he was experiencing life at a rate of several what-the-hells per hour and he was getting pretty disoriented. With no mental ledge to hold onto, his eyes bounced around as they attempted not to look at Rey directly. "Yeah, sure, sounds good."

Poe frowned. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Yes, I'm not fucking deaf," Ren bit out harshly. Poe tensed, glancing at Rey.

"Okay. Well… I'll just see you two at dinner. Lets go BB-8." The droid tried to protest by bringing up his responsibility to stay with Ren.

"Rey's got that covered. C'mon, buddy."

Ren watched the droid hesitate and then leave along with its master, feeling a tinge of guilt over not acknowledging BB-8's presence. That droid really proved himself out in the jungle when trying to bring down one of those –

"Hey," Rey whispered, grabbing Ren's face so he would focus on her. Her eyes were the soft hazel he'd grown so accustomed to seeing, and he trembled when he saw how they melted into concern. "I thought I was going to meet you at the medical facility." Ren stayed quiet. "Seriously, what's going on? You seem anxious."

Diving back into the databank of memories, he replayed that video again, the one that shouldn't even exist. If he told Rey all that he knew… it would ruin her. And if he wanted to murder Ematt for cursing Rey to a life filled with seclusion? She would no doubt want to as well. The Dark side was waiting to claim her, but he'd made a promise that he would never let her fall into that raw pit of inky malevolence.

He blinked once… twice… and made up his mind that he was never going to tell her.


	42. Why Are We Friends?

Rey frowned and glanced through the shuttle's circular window as the small ship shuddered, signaling that they were leaving the atmosphere. As the soft blue sky was swapped with the infinity of space, she nibbled on the small ration bar she always kept in her satchel. Always keeping a small amount of food and water on hand had been a wise decision, given how they were not offered a chance to eat before being found in that hallway and escorted to the awaiting transport.

Sitting next to her, Ben remained quiet while the officer across from them kept his mouth pinched together, his eyes focused on the most dangerous man in the tight space. With nothing more than her thoughts for company, Rey went through all the different reasons why the members of the council would want to speak with Ben. Luke had told her that everything with the mess hall and the whole jungle debacle had been solved.

Maybe they wanted to lecture him? But that was like beating a dead tauntaun, because Ben really didn't care what those people thought or said to him.

Once docked, Rey scuttled to the exit, noting how Ben hunched over to avoid hitting his head on the metal ceiling. Studying his slumped pose, she realized he did that whenever he was around her. That way, he could get as close to her eye level as possible. With everyone else he always kept his spine straight, his torso tense as if to intimidate.

Seeing how he spent most of his time with her, she should probably tell him to have better posture or he might end up ruining his back.

The duo followed the scurrying officer through the entanglement of lit hallways, catching glances from random passerbys. _What is wrong with him?_ Rey kept looking over at Ben and examining his threatening eyes, locked shoulders, and tightly balled fists. He wouldn't tell her anything in the hallway and she hadn't a clue as to what was bothering him. Clearly something was. The Dark side was pulsating out of his body, almost causing her soul to choke on its raw and eerie essence.

Rounding a corner, the officer stopped at an open entryway, motioning them inside. Ben went first and Rey followed suit, her eyes catching the lit buttons of a communications desk before –

She stopped and reflexively moved closer to Ben's stilled form, her arm brushing up against his as they both zeroed in on Admiral Trend standing among members of the Resistance council. Rey had been hoping the woman had left permanently, but it would appear she just took a short-lived sabbatical.

General Organa stepped forward, looking directly at her son. "I appreciate you coming up here on short notice."

"I didn't think I had much of a choice," Ben said. "If this is about what happened on the base –"

"It's not," Leia interrupted, eye's going up and down Ben's form, no doubt looking for any injuries. "As you know, the Core Worlds are in talks with the First Order and I want to know what they're negotiating."

Ben's expression morphed into confusion, his stare quickly bouncing between each council member before settling back on the general. "Okay…."

Rey wasn't sure what was going on either.

Leia took another step forward. "Senator Tisnew shut me down and wouldn't tell me anything significant. You've met this man a few times before; when you were younger. I don't know if you remember –"

"I do," Ben interrupted. "I'm surprised he's still alive."

"He was on Coruscant when the Hosnian system –"

"That's not what I meant. When last I saw him, the man was a relic and old age didn't seem to be doing him any favors," Ben stated blatantly.

"I fail to view this with your kind of levity," Trend piped in, eyes hostile, but face surprisingly composed.

Ben glared at the woman. "Who's laughing?"

No one.

Ben focused back on Leia, voice dripping with impatience. "Why have I been summoned here?"

The council glanced among one another, each of them appearing nervous and skeptical – except Trend. Her contempt stare remained on Ben. "He asked to talk with you," Leia said after a brief pause.

"Me? As in –"

"He knows Kylo Ren is also Ben Solo, the boy he met years ago. I think he wants to ask you about the Order and to also see if the information about you being here is true."

Rey's eyes started to burn from the lack of blinking. Surely, this was some sort of joke. "You want me to talk… to a senator…"

"Yes."

"No."

"Ben –"

His voice became hard, his eyes indignant. "That's not my name. And I don't deal with politicians."

"I know, but I think he might tell you what the First Order wants from them."

Taking a deep breath, Ben explained, "I told you, the Core Worlds are the epitome of leadership in the galaxy," he lectured patronizingly. "If they join the movement then other planets will likely follow, which would be easier than trying to take the whole galaxy by force since Starkiller was destroyed."

"I think they're threatening Coruscant with another super weapon."

Rey's breathing froze in her lungs as no one moved or said anything.

Finally, Ben spoke. "There is no other super weapon."

"Is it possible you weren't told everything? Maybe things were kept from you, given where… you come from."

Ben's sight narrowed. "I'm not going to talk to him."

Leia drew in a deep breath and then stared at Ben harshly. "You're fate, including Rey's, is tied to the success of the Resistance. So if you don't want to do it to help us, do it to help yourself."

When you couldn't rely on morality, you could absolutely bank on narcissism.

Ben didn't dignify Leia with a response and Rey was glad he didn't. Ever since stepping into this room, she had a sense that Ben was on the verge of exploding into a whirlwind of rage. She wasn't sure of the root source, so she went on assuming it was over seeing the council again.

Instead of replying, Ben sneered as he pivoted and walked onto the platform, all eyes following him. "Well?" he questioned the room. "I would like to get this over with as soon as possible."

Rey was escorted off to the side as Leia and Ben talked in hushed tones, probably discussing what needed to be asked. Every few moments, Rey noticed how Ben's eyes darted over to Major Ematt, causing him to lose focus till he turned his attention back to his mother. Glancing over at the man, nothing seemed to be off or peculiar. So why was Ben giving him more attention than the rest?

Once done, Leia came to stand by Rey and the call to the senator went out, making the chamber revert to silence.

An aged human male appeared on the screen, his sagging face and blotchy sunspots making it impossible to envision what he might've looked like in his younger years. His hair reminded Rey of an over plucked bird, in that his head was covered in feathery wisps of white, frail tendrils. If Ben thought the senator was old when he saw him as a boy, the politician came across as ancient now. In all honesty, the man looked like he should have died of old age decades ago.

And that was being generous.

Senator Tisnew squinted through the screen, his milky eyes scrutinizing Ben's face. "Well, you do have the Solo resemblance, and your defiant stare is recognizable from when you were younger. But how can I be sure you really are Kylo Ren?"

"You wanted this meeting," Ben's bottomless voice pointed out. "I wasn't under the impression you needed proof of my authenticity."

Tisnew's chair creaked as he sat back. "Technology has come a long way over the last thousand years. People can be deceived. I'm going to need proof. Where is your lightsaber?"

_Oh no…._

"You really think I would be allowed to keep it with me?" Ben played it off smoothly.

The senator batted his hand through the air petulantly. "Well then have someone fetch it. I can wait."

Ben stared at the screen for a fraction of a second before saying, "Then you'll be waiting till your dead, because I lost it weeks ago."

"A Jedi doesn't just lose his saber," the old man ridiculed.

"I'm not a Jedi."

"You used to be, from what I've been told." Ben remained silent and Tisnew's patience wore thin as he lifted his hand to cut off the feed… but then froze. Widening his eyes, the senator palmed his throat, his breathing coming out in short rasps as if he were choking.

Wait… he _was_ choking.

A few of Tisnew's aids rushed to him, trying to figure out what was going on as the wheezing became worse and his eyes bulged from their sockets. But Rey knew. The Dark side was spilling out of Ben, his eyes sinister from the wicked act he was performing.

Rey teetered forward but Leia grabbed her arm, keeping her in place. Glancing down at the small woman, Rey saw that she had her eyes fixated on her son.

No one in the room moved as they looked at the general, waiting for a response.

Just as Rey was about to scream, long heaving gasps came from the screen, catching her attention.

"I'm fine!" Tisnew harshly panted, tossing aside the worried individuals. "Let me be," he said as he rubbed his throat. Leaving the man per his request, the senator took a few moments to breathe, all the while watching Ben.

"Need more proof?" Ben asked, not even appearing to have broken a sweat. _How did he do that?_ Senator Tisnew was light-years away, and somehow, Ben had Force choked him. Through a screen. And made it look easy.

"I would like to get this meeting over with. So how about you tell me what you and the Order have been negotiating and then we can all get back to our lives," Ben demanded with an air of authority.

"Negotiating?" Tisnew croaked, still massaging his throat. "There is no negotiating with those people. They want this planet under their complete rule or they have threatened to take it by force."

Ben crossed his arms, keeping his face impassive. But Rey could sense his underlying irritation. "Coruscant is so densely populated that it would take the First Order's whole army to conquer it," he pointed out.

Bracing his hands on the desk, Tisnew leaned forward, looking like he was getting ready to scold an infant. "They didn't threaten me with stormtroopers or Star Destroyers. She told me they had another super weapon and that if we defied them, they would use it on us as an example."

"Who is this 'she'?"

"Carise Sindian." Rey teetered, trying to hold back the shock upon hearing that woman's name. Ben stayed professional by not reacting, but his fury thundered through her soul. "She used to be a senator –"

"I know who she is."

Tisnew did not appreciate the blatant disrespect and glared at Ben with disapproval. "What I want to know is if I should take this threat seriously. Do they have another weapon like Starkiller?"

Playing the part of a statue, Ben took a moment before answering. "I don't know." Rey closed her eyes briefly as she listened to Tisnew spit out a string of curses. Obviously, that was not the answer the man wanted to hear.

"You don't know?!" Tisnew barked. "What have you been doing with these terrorists the whole time? Working as a radar technician?"

Ben's temples protruded, his hands balling into fists below his elbows. "My dealings pertained to the Force and the missions I was assigned. I did not work maintenance."

Tisnew glanced around his office while shaking his head, until he finally shot his arms up in defeat. "Do you know anything?" 

Ben raised his already aggravated voice. " _I_ know plenty, but all _you_ want to know is if there is another super weapon at play– to which, I'm not sure."

The senator's eyes narrowed. "You instill me with zero confidence."

"I'm not here to make you feel better, and if that's why you requested to speak with me, then that was extremely imprudent of you."

Releasing a long breath, Tisnew reclined back and with a shaky hand, pushed the little remaining hair left on his shriveled head. The movement was exactly what Ben would do when becoming stressed or afraid and as Rey looked closely, she could see certain similarities between the two men now. Both had narrow, long faces; both had prominent noses; both were experts at glaring.

And both seemed very headstrong.

_It was a bad idea to have these two speak to each other._

Ben cleared his throat, his expression softening somewhat. "I can tell you this: the First Order does have the resources to build another weapon." Tisnew perked up. "I doubt it would be as powerful as Starkiller, but it could still be devastating."

Tisnew's eyes became grave. "So I should take their threat seriously."

"Yes."

"Would they have their army attack the planet?"

Rubbing his chin, Ben appeared to be giving the question genuine thought. "They would try a military takeover first before completely annihilating the planet, if that's what you're wondering. Coruscant is at the center of the galaxy and if they have your loyalty, then other systems will follow your example."

"How much time do you think we have before they come here?"

"When did these talks start?"

"A few days after the Hosnian system was destroyed."

"Hux is no doubt growing impatient by now, so I'd say you don't have long before they come for you. I'd give it a few more weeks. And that's being generous."

Tisnew's throat expanded as he struggled to swallow and this time, it was not from Ben's doing, but from fear. "Then… I don't see any way around joining them."

The two men fell quiet, Ben studying the man's sullen face while Tisnew looked down upon his desk. "You still have your planetary military, correct?" Ben asked.

"Yes," Tisnew replied, lifting his head "But the numbers are vastly smaller than the First Order's."

"Have them armed and ready anyway. If the Order comes, you should be able to fend them off until the Resistance can arrive," Ben offered in the form of advice.

"What if I do not want bloodshed?"

Ben shrugged. "Then do what they say and join them."

Tisnew steepled his hands as his face became firm. "I want your honest opinion: does the galaxy stand a chance against the First Order?"

"Very little, if at all," Ben said with absolutely no pause.

 _Stars, why does he have to be so honest all the time?_ To Rey, she still had hope that they could win the war, but Ben firmly believed it was a lost cause.

If the council was smart, they won't ask him to talk to another politician. Ever.

The senator nodded solemnly. "Not what I wanted to hear, but I appreciate the truth." From there on out, General Organa took over and had Ben take up her spot beside Rey. Rey didn't listen to Tisnew and Leia's short conversation, because she was too busy being strangled by Ben's emotions. Craning her neck, she saw that he was staring daggers at Major Ematt again, which he needed to stop doing before anyone noticed.

The feed blacked out and Leia turned to the small crowd.

"Did you seriously tell him we have no chance against the First Order?" Major Ematt loudly pegged the question at Ben.

"I never lie," Ben said through gritted teeth.

"And that's a form of pride, is it?" Ematt pointed at the dark screen. "After squashing that man's hope, what's stopping him from joining the Order right now?"

"I guess nothing."

Ematt's face reddened. "You piece of –"

"Major!" Leia yelled, silencing the man. "You two," her eyes snapped at Rey and Ben. "Your shuttle is waiting."

Ben didn't wait to be told twice as he strode to the exit, Rey scurrying frantically just to keep up with him. Neither glanced back at the room before bursting into the hall. Ben just kept going, eventually turning one too many corners before collapsing against the durasteel wall.

"Are you okay?" Rey asked, wrapping her arms around his middle to steady him. "What was going on in there? It felt like you were going to kill someone."

Ben hung his head, breathing deeply through his teeth, his lips twitching through the process. "Rey…."

"Yeah? What is it?"

His eyes stared distantly ahead. "Do you often wonder what happened to your family? To you parents?"

_What?_

"Uhhhhh… Well… I did more when I was younger. I mean, I do still wonder and I probably always will, but I've come to accept that I'll probably never know where I come from," she said truthfully. Recently, she'd given up her naïve hope of ever reuniting with her family, because she understood that living too much in the past made you lose focus on the future.

And her future was with Ben.

"What if –" Ben licked his dry lips. "What if you had the option of knowing, but were told the truth was so unimaginably heinous that it could destroy you?" Heavy lids ghosted over his eyes. "Would you still want to know?"

"I… I don't know. I guess I'd still want to know, even if it was bad. Honestly, if I were to find out they were dead, it wouldn't ruin me. I've always known that there was a huge probability that they weren't alive." Ben's features distorted in pain, making her frown. "Why are you asking me this? Did something happen with your mom?"

Ben went still, then looked up at her, his gaze bouncing between her eyes, nose, and lips. "You know I love you, right?"

Stars, she was so close to him, their noses almost touching. "Yes."

"And you know I want you to be happy?"

"Yes… Ben, you're starting to scare me. Why are you talking like this?"

He palmed her cheek, giving her forehead a long and gentle kiss. "Always remember that I love you, no matter what happens," he said against her skin, the warmth of his breath making her melt.

"O-okay, I will," Rey whispered into his shirt.

Ben pulled back, his eyes tracing her face. Dipping his head, his mouth met hers, kissing her like her lips were air and he couldn't breathe. The indiscreet passion painted her a picture of their possible future together, where they touched without reservation, where they lived without apology.

As he pulled her closer, his hands greedily traveled along her hips, running over the curve of her backside. Panting, she thought how Ben was like nobody else in the galaxy. When she was with him, it was like she was split in half. Part of her was on fire, going crazy from not being able to touch and explore him fully. The other half was calm and peaceful, just perfectly content with knowing that he was the one for her.

Breaking the delicious contact, his forehead rested against hers, their heavy breathing intermingling to create compact warmth between them. It was hard for Rey to think straight or to even remember what they had been discussing before the interplay. If Ben asked her right now what two plus two equaled, she would end up giving his name as the answer.

Coming back down to reality, she wondered if anyone had seen what they'd been doing.

 _Who the hell cares_ , Rey thought. _It was worth it_.

"Come on," Ben muttered. "Let's get out of here."

He grasped her hand and interlaced their fingers, leading her down the hallway in the direction of the hangar bay. Emerging into the vast population of the cruiser, she noticed the stares pretty quickly, but brushed them off. Rey figured they were merited since their hands never parted, and she couldn't stop a big satisfying grin from spreading across her face and reaching her ears.

()()()()()

"The DLT-20A can be an automatic or a semi-automatic blaster rifle. To switch between the two, you press this button next to the trigger," Finn pointed to a small, black button while Rey leaned closer for a better look. "With the top-mounted rangefinder, you're able to see your target up to a mile away. You wanna look through it?"

Rey nodded enthusiastically as Finn helped her get a proper grip on the weapon.

The afternoon sun reflected off the sleek rifle as Rey palmed and handled it with ease. He leaned against the metal stand that held all the weapons and watched Rey brighten from her youthful fascination. Finn had been surprised when she voiced her desire for him to teach her about various blasters, especially when she wanted half their day off to consist of the lessons. Honestly, Finn didn't mind what he did with Rey as long as they got to spend some time together. He'd been sure that Ren's presence was going to replace his own, but so far, Rey always made an effort to talk with him throughout the day.

And he liked that he was the one teaching her these things and not Kylo.

Rey looked through the lense, aiming the rifle down range at the metal targets. "This is way lighter than I thought it would be," Rey noted, lowering the weapon and inspecting it.

Finn wiped the sweat from his forehead. "It's made from titanium alloys that are super lightweight, which comes in handy when you're already lugging around fifty pounds of other equipment."

Rey motioned at a small square section between the barrel and trigger. "Is this where the power pack is?"

"Yeah, it can hold up to thirty shots till you either charge it or switch it out. You wanna try shooting it?"

"Yes! I didn't ask you to teach me about blasters so I can just name off the parts." Finn laughed and helped Rey get into an acceptable shooting stance.

He took a step back while instructing her. "Spread your feet a little farther apart – good. Make sure it's pressed firmly against your shoulder– yeah, right there." He made sure the rifle wasn't directly on her bone before explaining how to aim.

"Okay," Finn said, stepping behind her. "Give it a go."

Finn was surprised with how naturally talented Rey was with the rifle, but then again, people that were Force sensitive were gifted when it came to stuff like this. Kinda unfair since it took Finn years to have excellent aim. But he didn't mind that Rey was a quick study, because it meant that she had a better chance at defending herself.

She quickly went through the power pack and lowered the weapon, her infectious smile crinkling her eyes. "Wow," she breathed. "I didn't realize how… therapeutic shooting would be. I mean, dueling with lightsabers is great, but there's something so accomplishing about aiming a rifle and actually hitting a target."

And hit the targets she had. Finn looked through his binocs and saw that all eleven targets were littered with blaster marks.

"Look at you, being a natural. I figured you would be," Finn complimented her sincerely as he took the rifle and replaced it with a pistol.

"So…. There's something I want to tell you," Finn said, unsure on how to say it.

Rey glanced up from examining the blaster.

"I, uh… I was given the official rank of captain this morning." Before Finn had met up with Rey, Major Ematt had requested his presence. Seeing the official paperwork had been surreal and he'd immediately accepted the position, all the while trying to fight back a smile. "It's mainly for the ESC, but it's recognized by the Resistance and New Republic. Or that's what I've been told, anyway."

"What?!" Rey exclaimed, nearly tossing the pistol on the table before wrapping her arms around Finn's neck. "Congratulations! Finn, this is great!"

"Thanks," he said sheepishly, holding her tightly. Once separated, she listened with unyielding attention as he described his new duties.

"Does everyone have to call you Captain Finn now?" Rey playfully asked.

"Goodness, no. Just captain. Adding Finn to it sounds weird."

"You could be called Captain 2187." They both looked at each other before bursting into a fit of laughter. "I'm just kidding," Rey said as they quieted down.

"I know." He breathed in the thick air. "Man, sometimes I wish I had a last name."

"You could just give yourself one."

Finn's shoulder bobbed up and down. "Yeah, I could, but surnames are a familial tradition and seeing how I have no family… Just seems weird to pick one."

Rey's nose scrunched up from her hard frown, her head turning to look off into the jungle. It dawned on Finn that both Rey and him had the family problem in common, and he hadn't meant to sound so insensitive.

"Oh, Rey." Placing his hand on her arm, he gave it a light squeeze. "I forgot… I'm sorry –"

"No, it's okay," Rey said as she looked back at him. She gave him a smile, but the expression didn't reach her eyes. "I know you didn't mean anything by it. Looks like neither of us have last names." She grabbed a pistol from the table and went about studying it, but Finn knew her eyes weren't in the game,

"If you don't mind me asking," he whispered, "do you think about your family often?"

Cause he thought about his. Everyday.

Rey shrugged, keeping her eyes on the weaponry. "I used to, but not as much anymore."

"You think they're alive?"

She paused before raising her eyes and saying, "It sounds horrible, but I kinda hope they aren't. I'd rather believe that they died trying to get back to me, than to think that they outright abandoned me. That way, at least I can pretend that they loved me."

Finn gazed over her head at the far off mountain range, nodding his head silently. He completely understood Rey's reasoning, because in her situation, he would have wanted to believe the same.

"What about you?" Rey asked. "Do you think your family's still alive?"

"Some of them might be."

"Do you know what planet you were taken from?"

What Finn would give to get that information….

"It's somewhere in the unknown regions; it's not on a galactic map or anything. That's all I know." All the stromtroopers were taken from the unknown regions. That way, the New Republic didn't become suspicious. Finn had been tempted to ask Ren about it, but nixed that idea. Knowing the guy, he'd either refuse to answer or snicker in a way that pissed Finn off. Nope... Finn would never be able to get that information from Kylo Ren.

"You don't remember anything?" Rey asked while scratching at her right forearm.

Finn shook his head. "No. I was taken when I was very young. The academy was where I grew up and considered home."

"I don't remember anything either, except for a dream I had where my mother left me with Unkar." Rey's brows came together slightly, her voice sounding distant. "It's strange, but I know what I saw was what really happened."

 _Guess the Force granted her that small glimpse. Lucky_. "Did you see what she looked like?"

"Yeah… I did," Rey said, grinning softly. "I try to picture her face everyday so I don't forget her. I've attempted at drawing her portrait, but I can never get it exactly right."

"Well if she looks anything like you, then I'm sure she's beautiful."

Rey looked down, blushing even though her cheeks were already red from being out in the heat. "Thanks."

With the topic dying out, Rey lifted the pistol and fired a whole round.

As Finn showed her how to put in a new power pack, he asked, "How are you doing with your training?"

Rey perked up, looking suddenly proud. "Good. Really good, actually. Master Skywalker said my saber skills are exceptional, so we've been focusing more on my mental capabilities with the Force instead of the physical."

"Does Ren participate?"

Rey massaged her arm again. "No. He sits against the wall and reads the whole time."

 _The guy reads?_ "What's he reading?"

A soft, but substantial enough breeze rolled past them, tossing Rey's partially free hair into her face. As she swatted the tendrils away, she said, "A bunch of different medical books Kalonia let him borrow." She rolled her eyes. "Even when I'm not training, he's reading them and making notes. It's getting kind of annoying, actually."

"Why is he taking notes?"

"No idea. Maybe he wants to quiz himself later." Rey finished the new power pack on the pistol before switching back to the rifle.

Finn crossed his arms, resting his rear on the edge of the weapons stand. "He likes stuff like that then? Science and medicine?"

Rey chuckled softly. "He _loves_ stuff like that. He was planning on being a doctor, but after being sent to Skywalker's academy, that dream died."

Now Finn started to become truly curious. "When was he sent there?"

"Sometime after turning thirteen." Rey blinked and focused on his face, like she was trying to figure out his intentions. "Are you actually interested in hearing about his life?"

"I kinda am." Take out the kinda. "It's weird to hear that Kylo Ren was once a normal person."

"I wouldn't say normal, but he wanted to be. He still wants to be…." She lifted and aimed the blaster rifle like Finn had taught her and basically obliterated the targets. All the while Finn remained still, chewing the inside of his cheek. He just couldn't picture a young Kylo Ren who wanted to be a physician and help people. It was like the moon trying to be the sun; it was against the laws of nature. Ren's ruthlessness and indifference wasn't just a personality defect, but a physical limb that had done people real harm.

Example: his mechanized back.

With all that aside, Rey somehow saw something different in the guy.

"How are you and him doing?" Finn asked over the blaster fire.

Rey stopped the dispersion of bolts and lowered the weapon. "Are you asking to be polite or do you really want to know?"

Well, he didn't want to know _everything_. "I just want to make sure he's treating you well."

"He is." Finn questioned her with his stare. "Honestly, Finn." Even as she said it, he sensed she was holding something back.

"He can't be an easy person to be with," Finn speculated.

"Well, no, he's not."

He went to her and grabbed the rifle from her hands, placing it back with the other weapons. "I don't want you to get stressed out over all his problems. A guy like that has a lot of baggage and it's not your responsibility to take care of him."

"We take care of each other, and I don't feel stressed."

"You sure?"

Rey scratched her arm again, this time more vigorously. "Yes. I mean, he's been acting kind of strange lately, but it's nothing alarming."

It alarmed Finn. "Strange how?"

"Acting distant at times, getting lost in his thoughts – that sort of thing. But really, I'm not that worried about it," Rey said, trying to act like it wasn't a big deal.

"Okay. But if anything ever happens, you can talk to me about it."

Rey became confused. "I thought you hated him."

"Oh, I do," Finn said. "But I don't hate you."

Rey's scratching was starting to leaved bright red streaks on her skin. As she dug in harder, Finn was sure she was going to draw blood. "Are you okay? You keep scratching your arm."

Rey winced as she switched over to rubbing the abused area. "It feels like it's burning."

Finn took her forearm, inspecting the now swollen area. "Are you having a muscle cramp? Maybe you were shooting too much –"

"No, I've had those before. This is different." Rey's head suddenly snapped to the base, her eyes full of concern. "I need to find Ben," was all she said before sprinting away at a dead run. Finn scurried after her, keeping up with her furious pace as they darted and weaved through the throngs of people.

Once in the right hallway, Rey burst into Ren's room and frantically looked around. "Ben!" she called out, her heavy panting reverberating off the hard walls. The room was empty and Finn was about to tell her they should see if he's in the mess hall when she darted for the refresher, her lithe body rushing through the open door.

Ren was passed out on the floor, his right arm cut open and bleeding, a small pool of blood slowly making its way to the toilet base. While Rey attempted to wake him, Finn knelt down and inspected a string of medical supplies next to his knee: a used syringe, a thin scalpel, and a pair of long tweezers, drenched red.

_What the hell was he –_

Something reflected next to the puddle of blood, catching Finn's eye. It was so small, it took a few tries before his thick fingers could pick up the thing. Holding it up close, he was able to see that it was metal and rectangular; something that wouldn't be important if it was just randomly on the floor, but Finn figured nothing in the washroom was here by happenstance.

Ren started to moan as Rey covered the wound with her palm, healing the incision completely so all that was left was red-tinted skin.

"Ben?" Rey grabbed his face and he sluggishly opened his eyes. His confusion at seeing her was very evident, but was replaced as he shot upright and glanced wildly around, like he'd just awoken from a nightmare.

"What the hell is all this?" Rey fanned out her arms toward the medical supplies. "What have you been doing?"

Finn held the small tracker in his palm, showing Rey. "I think it has something to do with this."

Rey eyed it. "Is this...?"

"Yes," Ren said, his voice as smooth as gravel. The guy's sallow lips quivered and his breaths intensified, making Finn think he might pass out again. But instead, Ren plucked the chip from his palm and scrutinized it with pride.

"You're kidding me," Rey flatly said. "You went through all this trouble so you could get that chip out of your arm? Are you insane? You could've seriously hurt yourself!"

Ren eyed a small notebook to his left, red fingerprints littering the white pages. Finn thought it weird the guy had used such archaic means to jot down notes, but then he remembered Ren wasn't allowed a datapad – his options had been limited.

"I knew what I was doing."

Rey picked up the pad, flipping through the stained writing. "This is what you've been doing during my training sessions? You've been reading those medical books and planning this?" she irritably asked, waving the notebook in the air.

Ren swallowed a few times and licked his lips, his eyes trying to remain focused. "Given how it was placed under my ulnar artery, I wanted to be prepared." Outstretching his hand to Rey's face, she dodged his outward affection and evaded the wet patch of blood as she parked herself on the closed toilet seat.

Resting his head against the washroom wall, Kylo kept his eyes locked on Rey's angered face. "I numbed the area as much as I could and concentrated on really blocking our connection as I went. Did you… feel anything? I'm sorry if –"

"All I felt was a slight burning, but it was more annoying than painful," Rey spat out.

Ren let out a relieved breath. "Good. I… was worried that you'd really feel it."

Rey motioned around. "Why do it at all? If the council finds out –"

"I couldn't let them have complete control over me. An ounce of freedom is worth the risk."

"Why didn't you heal yourself?"

Ren glanced down and ran his fingers along the now healed skin. "I was planning on it, but the process was slow and more painful than I anticipated. I blacked out right as I removed the chip."

"You're unbelievable," she breathed out. Neither of them looked away from each other as the cozy washroom fell into silence.

Feeling out of place and very uncomfortable, Finn stood, catching their attention. "I should get going."

"What?" Rey shot up. "I thought we were going to watch some holo-films after shooting practice."

Finn was momentarily speechless before saying, "You still want to do that?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

He glanced down at Kylo and then back up at Rey. "I just thought you'd want to stay here… with him. To make sure he's all right."

"I'll be fine," Ren assured her as Rey turned around toward him. "You had the whole day planned out; you should go enjoy it."

Rey chewed her lip before addressing Finn. "I'll meet you at your room in twenty. I'm gonna help clean up." Ren tried to protest, but from the stern look shot his way, he gave up pretty quickly.

"Yeah. Sounds good." Finn remained in the refresher for an awkward second before exiting and making his way out of the room.

"Finn," Rey called out, her head peering out of the washroom as Finn glanced over his shoulder. "Congratulations again. I'm proud of you for what you've been doing with the stormtroopers."

For some reason, Finn thought of the family he never knew. What would they think of him if they could see him now? Would they be happy? Would they be proud of him for joining a righteous cause?

Guess he'll never know.

But staring at Rey and seeing how incandescently proud she was of him proved that family was not just about blood, but of having respect and joy in each others lives.

Finn played through the beginning of the journey they'd taken together. Through those trying couple of days, Rey had seen his potential, had seen the endless possibilities for his life. And through her eyes, he started to see himself the same way. As someone who mattered. As someone who could make a difference in this galaxy.

Those days bonded them together for life, because when you find out who you are from somebody else, your loyalty becomes everlasting. No one, not even Kylo, could take away the friendship they had forged as they fought for their lives against him and the First Order. Ironically, battling Kylo had brought Rey and him closer, because they both were trying to protect the other while under impossible circumstances.

Maybe he should thank the bastard.

_Okay… you're taking it a little too far, Finn. Simmer down there._

He conveyed all his thoughts and feelings in one small and simple smile. "Thanks Rey."

She grinned back. "And about the chip –"

"I won't say anything. Promise." Rey let out a relieved breath and closed her eyes briefly. Even though it made Finn uncomfortable knowing that tracker was out of Ren's arm, he knew Rey would be sufficient enough in keeping the guy in check.

Hopefully.

"I'll see you in twenty," Finn said and Rey nodded her goodbye. As he left and Rey went back into the refresher, her voice boomed so loudly, he could hear it out in the hallway. She was mad and Finn was thankful for not being at the receiving end of her anger.

But thinking about who was, Finn smiled. He couldn't help it.

()()()()()

Poe stood at the bottom left fusial thrust engine of his T-70 X-wing starfighter, his hands and eyes going over a basic inspection of each and every mechanism while BB-8 stayed off to the side. The electromagnetic gyros were steady, the ionization chamber clean, and the S-foils – _wait a minute_. Poe took a closer look at the metal, coiled rod, seeing a very small and subtle crack. Shaking his head, he grabbed the compact blowtorch and lowered the tinted visor, making good work at welding it closed.

Man, he had a feeling that he'd pushed his precious T-70 too far during those practice flights today. But after Joph bragged that he could maneuver between the nearby mountains in under three minutes, Poe had to prove he could do it faster.

And prove it he had…. By flying the course in two minutes, twelve seconds.

_Beat that, Joph._

Poe was gonna have to watch out for that Terr fellow, though. The guy was an exceptionally skilled pilot and had made the run in two minutes, twenty-one seconds – way too close to Poe's time for comfort.

The crack on the coil sure did explain the overheating while flying. With the S-foil weakened, Poe was surprised the engine hadn't blown. But that's what he got for skipping yesterday's inspection to stalk Jess. Well, he wasn't _really_ stalking her. He was just following her around without her knowing until she was alone and he could corner her and talk –

Okay… it was stalking. But with good intentions. He wasn't a weirdo… right?

Putting his inner argument of whether or not he was being a creeper aside, Poe was reminded how he'd gotten nowhere with Jess over the last few days. It was like she knew what he was up to, somehow making herself extremely scarce and hard to find. The few times he found her alone, she brushed him off with offensive efficiency and completely ignored him.

For Force sake, he had to find out from Snap that she asked to be transferred to a different squadron. Not even all the credits he'd won from accurately betting when Ren would destroy something could put him in a good mood. And he had won a shipload of money from that mess hall fiasco.

Poe quickly prayed Ren never found out that he was currently at the center of all the bets on the base. Thinking about first meal, Poe had been so close to predicting how many servings Ren would eat that morning.

_Why didn't the guy go for six? He went for six yesterday!_

With the S-foil repaired, he removed the eye protection and placed the torch back on his utility belt, then rubbed the back of his tight neck. Glancing around the barren hangar, it was obvious he needed to leave and get some shuteye. Everyone else had been smart enough to toss in the towel and call it a night, but when Poe got anxious, he liked to either fly or work with his hands – which usually involved either mechanics or some womanly company.

" _So you and Connix never happened?"_ he recalled Jess saying.

Poe internally groaned. That hookup happened months ago on a night Poe had been feeling extremely lonely, and the fact that it was the anniversary of his mother's death didn't help his judgment any. Nor did being perceptive as to how Connix checked him out every time he was near. Poe had a radar for that kind of thing.

By no means was he a real stunner of a man, but he knew how to flirt and knew how to put on the charm. That part of him always came naturally.

He was never like that with Jess, though. So why did she like him? It was confounding, to say the least.

Quick movement came into Poe's periphery, making him turn his head. Ren was sauntering through the hangar, eyesight straight ahead and walking like he would break every one of your fingers if you tried talking to him.

"Ren!" Poe called out, deciding that his fingers should be safe. Mostly.

The burly man halted and glanced at Poe, making a course correction to come over. Poe opened his palm, ready to do the usual greet between men: hands clasping, back patting in a half hug. But then he remembered Ren didn't like to be touched and they've never actually greeted each other in that manner.

"Working on your X-wing?" Ren asked, his eyes inspecting the engine Poe had been repairing.

Poe patted the sturdy ship. "Yup. Gotta keep this baby up and running."

"Don't you have mechanics for that?"

"Well, yeah, but this ship happens to be particularly special to me. It's the one I flew when I blew up that oscillator and made–" Poe cut off his running mouth, his eyes going slightly wide as he realized to whom he was talking to.

But Ren caught on pretty quick. "This ship was the one that caused Starkiller to implode?"

Poe nodded.

Now the guy was _really_ scrutinizing the exposed engine, his eyes jumping between the turbo impeller, the coolant feeds, and the newly repaired S-foil. Poe couldn't tell if Ren was impressed or disgusted and he was too afraid to ask, so he settled on a sharp change of subject.

"So… I've heard from a reliable source that you've been acting stranger than normal lately." Ren's eyebrows rose. "You wanna fill me in on what's going on?"

"Nothing is going on and who told you that?"

Poe picked at his nails showily. "I can't reveal my sources or –"

"The trooper told you."

Poe stepped back in surprise. "Geez, man. Did you read my mind? You gotta stop doing that."

"I don't need to. Your reaction more than gave me the answer." _Sly bastard_. "Now I want to know who he heard it from."

"Who do ya think?"

Ren frowned. "Rey?"

"Uh, yeah." Ren's jaw slackened at the new information. "What? Did you expect Rey to never talk about you to her closest friend? It's what girls do. They have to talk through their feelings with someone else. But hey, at least she didn't tell him you two are sleeping together," Poe added as he breathed out a succession of laughs. "Could you imagine the look on Finn's face if she told him that?"

…"But all we do is sleep."

"Uh huh. All you do is sleep," Poe mumbled and rolled his eyes. "Right." He started chuckling, but stopped after Ren's blank stare didn't change. "Wait. All you do is _sleep_?" Ren nodded. "You're joking? You're not joking. I thought I sensed a joke… or a euphemism."

"That's a big word for your small vocabulary."

"Ha. Ha." Poe walked over to the tool cart near the front of the ship, unbuckling his utility belt and placing it on top. Taking out the tools, he put them back in their respectable drawers, every now and then glancing back to see Ren giving the engine a hard stare.

"You're trying to figure out what Rey told Finn, huh?" Poe asked, shutting the lowest drawer before heading back over. "Have you asked her lately if there's anything wrong?"

"Yes, but she tells me nothing's wrong."

Poe grabbed the cloth covering the centrifugal reaction fusion and started cleaning off his oily hands. "Let me give you a little lesson: When a woman says nothing's wrong, everything's wrong. When she says everything's wrong, everything's wrong. Really, I'm surprised I have to explain this to you."

Ren rubbed his jaw, still seeming perplexed. "Maybe I should go talk to her…."

"Probably should." Poe swung the rag over his shoulder, and then started popping his knuckles to ease the achy joints. He was only thirty-two, but some days, he felt like he was eighty. This war was slowly stealing his youth, unfortunately. "So… have you seen Jess around?"

"No. You?"

"Not much."

Rearranging his weight, Ren shyly asked, "How is the girl doing?"

Poe almost glared at the guy. "The girl has a name and it's Jess. Do you have a problem with using people's names?"

"Names tend to humanize."

 _... what?_ "Have you always been this heartless?"

"Yes."

Poe rapidly blinked and shook his head. "Man, sometimes I wonder why I even associate with you."

"That makes two of us," Ren grumbled, glancing down at his boots. "So, do you know how… Jess is doing?" He pushed the question.

Poe's dark brows rose. "Do you actually care?"

"Maybe."

Leaning this way and that, Poe's pupils wandered around the many ships on display, realizing he should take this opportunity to get the information he's been wanting to know. "She won't tell me what happened to her… and I was kind of hoping you would, to be honest."

"I don't know all the details. I have no idea how she ended up there."

As much as Poe wanted those specifics, he'd settle for what he could get. "But you know what you saw in those caves, and I want to know how she got out of there."

Ren ground his jaw, the hollows under his cheeks sharply standing out from annoyance. "You shouldn't pester her for that information, you know."

"So how about you tell me, and then I won't have to ask her."

Ren went deep in thought while looking around the almost deserted hangar. The guy seemed to be bracing for something.

And Poe quickly understood why. The story was difficult to listen to, especially when hearing that Jess had been locked up in a cage. Poe never considered himself a vengeful person, but he sure as hell was not mourning over all the men that ended up dead in that cavern. Would he had gone as far as slaughtering them all? Probably not, but he could understand why Ren lost his shit over it. He really could.

"That's..." Poe swallowed and swiped his hand through his dark hair. "That's quite a story. You know... I don't blame you for killing all those men."

Ren inhaled deeply and murmured, "The thing is... while I was on the rampage... I accidentally killed one of the women. I don't even remember doing it, but I know a lightsaber wound when I see one. So, yeah… by murdering all those people, I murdered one of the slaves. I used to tell myself it was worth it, but I never, truly believed that. That woman was the first innocent being I ever killed." His eyes lost focus.

The remorse in the guys eyes was something new and shocking, but at the same time comforting. It was good to see that he wasn't completely unemotional.

"Well… I'm not sure what to say to that," Poe said roughly as he realized he didn't blame Ren for accidentally killing that woman either. Did that make him a monster as well? Mistakes do happen.

"Neither do I," Ren said, his pupils concentrating back on Poe's troubled expression. "Are you still going to accost the girl with your questions?"

 _This guy needs a lesson on how to use names._ "You mean Jess. And her and I have some things we still need to talk about that has nothing to do with that."

Ren gazed at him. Hard. Like in a way that was awkward and – "She confessed her feelings for you?" Ren said, horrified, looking like he'd just seen a monster. Where was a mirror when you needed one?

Poe raised his hands, becoming flustered. "Okay, now I'm pretty damn sure you read my mind for that one. No way you guessed that."

"Your thoughts were pretty easy to pick up on. So… the girl likes you?"

Frustrated, Poe pinched his eyes between his forefinger and thumb, letting out a deep breath. "For the thousandth time her name is Jess and yes, she's into me. And why do you seem troubled by that? You don't think women like me?"

"Oh, I'm sure plenty of women like you, but you shouldn't pursue anything with her, specifically."

"Why not?"

"She'd probably want a stable relationship."

Poe held up his index finger, all hold-it. "You think I can't do stable?"

"No," Ren said, face remote.

"Why not?" Poe asked, yet again.

"Your flippancy when it comes to your rendezvous with the women on base, comes to mind." Ren delivered that line with about as much tact as a four-year-old – which was zero.

As Poe faced off at him, his face was drawn in lines of tight irritation. "Where the hell do you get your information?"

_The same place Jess did?_

Ren tapped his temple. "I can hear thoughts, remember? I pick up a lot while walking around this cesspool."

For the most part, Poe had been nice and cordial to ever single person on this base. Sure, every once in a while he ran into your run-of-the-mill hothead, but other than that, he rarely argued with anyone. People knew him to be easy going, but stern when he had to be, and they respected him for it. But when did they start thinking of him as loose and slutty? And was he really a topic of gossip around here?

And why was this bothering him so much?

"You know what?" Poe rhetorically asked, exasperated. "I can't believe you, of all people, are judging me. I give your relationship with Rey another week before it explodes in your face, cause with how fucked your head is, you're bound to screw it up."

Ren ground his molars and glared. "I thought people appreciate honesty –"

Poe's anger pushed him to get in the guys face, and to Ren's credit, he didn't back down. "No, they don't. People appreciate when you help them feel good about themselves. So how about you stop being a droid and start acting like a normal person who lies to spare someone's feelings."

Poe backed off so he could close up the engine and lock the latch. Before storming off, he turned back around, his voice harsh and jagged. "Oh, and do me a favor: the next time you lose your mind, don't go looking for it."

As tempting as it was to punch the guy, Poe wasn't stupid enough to do it. This anger over other people's perception of him felt like something larger than his own life. Something out of character and wildly destructive. Man, he could really use an outlet, and destroying something sounded pretty damn good at the moment.

_No wonder Ren destroys shit. It's either that or seriously hurt somebody._

_Oh wait. He murders people for a living._

_Shit,_ Poe thought _. I really need to rethink who I have as friends._


	43. Why Do You Stay?

On the cold, rigid floor of her study, Leia rested, unmoving, her arthritic back aching slightly from the unusual pose. In her newly furnished office on the base, she had everything set up much like how it was on the cruiser: two identical blue sofas, a large rug rolled out between them, and an expansive desk at the head of the study.

As her rear demanded the soft confines of the couch, Leia resisted. Hours upon hours she'd spent at her desk, going over reconnaissance reports and chatting with the remaining planets that supported the Resistance. Each day, she would find another planet ignoring her inquiries or denying her comms. After the destruction of Starkiller, it had been an over joyous sight to witness numerous star systems lending their support.

It had been naïve of Leia to think it would last.

The First Order wasn't just threatening Coruscant, but that wasn't the only reason planets were evading her. When news of her son being Kylo Ren finally spread to the far corners of the galaxy, the fallout came in the form of losing some precious allies. Apparently, they were fed up with her family ruining the stability of the Republic, and after some much internal reflection, Leia accepted they were kind of right.

Anakin's bloodline would always be sought after by demons in the shadows, waiting to exploit the power that ran through her family's veins. Anakin and her son were walking proof of that.

Clasping her hands across her stomach, Leia thought of the real underlying reason Snoke wanted Ben. The anger that blossomed from her gut was unalloyed, because it was rooted in the part of her that still felt like a mother… that still felt the need to protect her cub from harm. She created Ben; she felt him kick in the womb; she was the one who nursed him as a babe and clothed him in warmth. And Snoke wanted to steal away the flesh she had formed from within her?

No.

That conniving monster had no right to take her son. That foul creature already broke the boy he was once was, and Leia would sacrifice herself before Snoke took him completely.

Stars, her bloodline was forever cursed, wasn't it. Her grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren and beyond were all going to be persecuted for where they came from. Monsters were going to try to seduce them to the Dark side.

That was, of course, all hindering on the possibility of Ben having children. It was callous of her to think, but she just couldn't envision Ben as a father. Rey was definitely mother material: lovely, strong, and stood up to her son.

_How serious is that relationship? Are they even in a relationship?_

Rey did stand intimately close to him in that comms facility a few days ago. She'd also obviously worried about him while he'd been talking to Senator Tisnew. Leia had worried as well, because for some reason, the Dark side thickened and wailed the moment Ben walked into that room. She had a feeling the only reason Ben had actually stayed in control was because Rey was there. Otherwise, Leia wasn't sure what would have happened. Or why.

As usual, her thoughts always circled back to her son.

Glancing at the door, Leia could sense a presence approaching and knew who it was before he even knocked.

"Come in," she called out.

Dressed in his light Jedi robes, Luke strode in and glanced around before finding Leia on the ground to the left of the entryway.

"What are you doing down there?" he asked, confused.

"I was in the need of a different… perspective. Sitting at my desk all day was getting on my nerves." Luke helped her up and gave Leia a moment to straighten her jumpsuit and vest.

"More planets refusing to speak with you?"

Leia plopped onto the sofa, letting out an exhausted breath. "Yep, but that's not the only problem. Incom-FreiTek won't return any of Statura's messages. Without them, I'm unsure of where to get X-wing's. There's a small company in the Outer Rim that might help, but they can't build the amount of ships we need in the time frame I requested."

"I'm sorry, Leia." And truly, he meant it.

Leia leaned back, rubbing her chronic sore neck. "Is the galaxy really content with surrendering to the First Order? Have they already forgotten what it was like to be under the Empire's rule?"

Luke scratched his beard, appearing like the wise Jedi Master others thought him to be. To Leia, he was just her twin brother and closest confidant. "Sometimes, people prefer what's familiar when they're scared. Not everyone is as fearless as you."

"In an ideal galaxy, they would be, but that's not the galaxy we live in." Leia sounded so jaded that she disgusted even herself. This war, along with the previous one, was truly wearing her down. She sighed and asked, "So, what brings you by?"

"Sorry it's late. I lost time while meditating, but I wanted to see you." The smile he displayed didn't lighten his eyes. "How was the move this morning?"

The renovations to make her living area habitable had finally been completed and she'd been so eager to get down there, that Leia even helped move some of her belongings to make the process go by quicker. And more efficiently.

"It went smoothly. Nothing broken or lost." _Unlike last time._ "I'm just glad to be somewhere I can walk outside and feel the fresh air on my face. You don't realize how much you miss it till you've been stuck on a ship for a while." Luke nodded, but his expression remained slightly uneasy. "Are you doing okay? You seem troubled."

He took a moment before answering. "The Force… it's been so turbulent. Everything seems more clouded than before…" As Luke's eyes became distant, Leia wasn't sure what to say. The Force had always been Luke's territory, while government was hers. Just as she was about to open her mouth, Luke asked, "Have you seen Ben and Rey lately?"

Leia was flustered by the sudden change in topic, but regained her poise quickly. "Other than with Senator Tisnew, no. You're the one who sees them everyday. Why are you wondering if I have?"

"I think something is going on between them."

The last person who needed to notice that was her brother. If he was going to start talking about the Jedi code during this conversation, Leia was fully prepared to show him the door.

Her sharp eyes traced the aging lines of his face, noticing the worry. "Going on how?"

"Like... something intimate."

The nervousness that stirred beneath Leia's composed surface made her stomach twist. "What makes you think that?"

"Just the way they are around each other, the looks he gives her." Luke pushed back his sloppily thin hair. "The frustrating part is that Rey's the only person he actually responds to. There's Poe, but he can't talk Ben into doing anything. Rey can."

Leia studied Luke for a few seconds, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, but if Rey can get through to Ben, then I don't really see why you're frustrated. No one has been able to do that since… well, ever. For the first time in his life, Ben is being considerate of another person." Leia shrugged. "I see that as a very good thing."

"Really?" Luke deadpanned. "So you're willing to put Rey's well being on the line so your son can experience what it's like to care about someone else?"

All Leia could do for a brief moment was sit there and look at her brother. Obviously, he'd become way more attached to Rey than she initially thought. His tone mimicked that of an overprotective parent, but Rey was not his child. "Her well being? Luke, you said yourself you've seen how Ben looks at her. He loves her." Leia dropped that speculation out in the open. "He wouldn't hurt her."

"You don't know that. Our father loved Padme and look what happened."

Leia tucked a stray lock of hair back into her circular braid. "Vader wanted power–"

"He started down that path to save our mother," Luke interjected quickly. "Ben is well versed in the Dark side, Leia. Once you go down that road, you never truly come back."

It appeared her twin was in dire need of a history lesson. "But you told me Anakin did."

"He's the first Sith in thousands of years to come back to the Light and there is a reason for that: the Dark side is unrelenting and addicting."

"But if Vader could do it–"

"No, Leia," Luke interrupted, his eyes growing hard and serious. "You need to accept that your son will never be how he was before."

Culling all sense of propriety into space and beyond, Leia gripped the edge of the sofa and hotly said, "Are you kidding me? You throw in my face that my son can't return to the Light when you wholeheartedly believed our father could?" Her temper began heating beyond the point of restraint. "Do you even know what Vader did for the Empire? He single handedly slaughtered hundreds of people! He made me watch my own planet be destroyed, for Force sake!" Leia swallowed so she didn't spit everywhere. "You don't get to sit there and discuss with me how my son will forever be damned."

Softening his demeanor out of pity – which she did not want right now – Luke whispered, "Leia–"

"No," she snapped, pointing her finger at him. "Don't 'Leia' me. Not when you refuse to help Ben."

Luke breathed in deep. "It's not that I refuse. He doesn't want my help."

"Have you tried offering?" Luke stayed quiet. "I didn't think so," Leia murmured as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Leia… I… it's just…"

"The great Jedi master getting tongue tied?" She pettily mocked, and she regretted instantly.

Luke let her question slide as he relaxed his shoulders. "I know it's not the Jedi way to be this angry, but I didn't grow up being one. I still struggle with my own feelings, and…." Luke sighed, looking down at the intricately woven rug that separated them. "It's hard for me to look past what happened."

With clear recollection, Leia remembered learning about the slaughter at her brother's academy. She'd been one of the first family members to arrive at the school after the news broke, and had been fully expecting to be leaving that planet with her son's corpse on board her ship. But then Lor San Tekka greeted her at the base of the ramp and told her Ben was nowhere on or near the school. He was the only student unaccounted for. Leaving the cleanup to his trusted friend, Luke told San Tekka to convey a message to her by word of mouth only. No writing it down, for fear of evidence.

Her brother had sensed the presence of the Dark side user who had left behind the carnage… and it had been her son. Leia had never vomited so many times over the span of one day.

And witnessing Han react to the news via holoscreen had been horrendous. Partially because she saw in his eyes that he blamed her. He had never wanted Ben to go to the academy or to become a Jedi.

After returning to her new founded Resistance – sans son, brother, and husband – the event had already been plastered all over The Republic news, pictures of the partially burned down school on full display for the galaxy to see. Stories from the family members of those lost flooded onto the airwaves, all of them grieving openly... and Leia watched every interview and read every story. It wasn't good for her, she knew – evidenced by the excessive weight loss over that short period – but she needed to know what her son had done to those people. She _needed_ to feel it. Because she was the one who sent Ben there, she was the one who tossed him aside.

The atmosphere wound down into a solemn drag, both twins thinking of events long past. "Maybe you should try talking to him about it," Leia uttered the only thing she could think of, even though she knew it was a horrible idea. Last thing she needed was her brother to murder her son.

"Maybe," Luke mused. "Have you tried talking to him about… Han?" Leia stopped breathing. "Artoo told me Ben has been trying to meet with you."

The requests had slowed down since they'd first started, but Ben always sent one out every single day. It was making her anxious. Why would he want to initiate contact with her? "He has, but I've been putting it off."

"Are you afraid of what he'll say?"

Leia searched her feelings. "More like I'm afraid to see how much he hates me," she replied honestly. And yes, it was hard to look at him and not see the resemblance between father and son.

"Leia, you're an incredibly strong woman," Luke stated. "You know that, right?"

She wasn't really in the mood for compliments, and it was peculiar to have them come from her brother. "Luke..." she said in an attempt to shut him down.

"I mean it," he said passionately. "After everything that has happened to you throughout your life, you're still here fighting. Me? I left for a while. But you? You never give up. Not even on your son… and you never should."

Her frown was so deep, that her furrowed brows almost covered her eyes. "But a few minutes ago you said–"

"I said he'll never be how he was before, but that doesn't mean he's completely lost," he said tenderly. "Do you know what Ben does while Rey and I are training?"

Leia shook her head.

The smallest of smiles played across his lips. "He sits off to the side and reads the whole time."

Her heart beat against her ribs as she peeled back her eyelids. "He – he reads, rather then trains?"

Luke nodded. "Yes. Remind you of anything?"

Well of course it reminded her of something. Tears stung her eyes at remembering her son when he was still just a boy. "That's all he did while growing up. He read constantly to the point that if he needed to be disciplined, I took away his datapad and all the books in his room." The meltdowns those inhibited were always epic and always involved a broom and a washcloth.

"You were right, Leia." Gazing at her brother with fresh hope in her eyes, Luke leaned forward and fervently said, "Ben's still in there. He's just more broken now, but he's there. I've come to see that."

"Why didn't you just lead with that?"

"Because I wanted you to understand that he'll forever be different from this." A youthful smile suddenly spread from ear to ear. "And sometimes you don't let me get a word in edge wise." They both laughed, knowing that Leia could sometimes be a hard person to talk to.

Thinking over her twins more serious statement, it did make sense that Ben was going to be essentially scarred for the rest of his life. But knowing that there was an ounce of him left in that hate-filled shell? It gave Leia hope, and the smallest wisps of peace. "Rey is helping him heal, don't you see that Luke? You, me, Han – we failed him and he'll always see us that way. But Rey? She's never wronged him. You can't separate them," she said desperately.

"Leia, I don't think–"

"No." Leia sliced her hand through the stagnant air. "If you even try taking that girl away from him, you will have to answer to me, understand? He won't hurt her, Luke. I know it."

He raised his hands as if to defend himself from an attack. "I was never going to make it so they never saw each other again," Luke enunciated each word. "They are bonded, remember? It would be impossible. I was just thinking about limiting their time together."

Leia glared.

"Okay, I won't even do that," Luke added. "But if anything does happen–"

"I'll hold myself responsible." Leia quickly finished for him. It was a gamble to promise such a thing, but she was going to give her son the benefit of the doubt that he could be a decent human being to that girl.

Leia watched as her brother's face morphed into a grave expression. "Have you thought about what would happen if something happens to Rey?" Luke whispered, even though no outside ears could hear. "What if she dies? What do you think Ben will do?"

Leia was pulled into a memory:

 _Never imagined this," Han murmured, sitting up in their bed late at night, Ben's tiny head resting in the crook of his father's arm. "Having a kid. Even_ wanting _a kid. But now he's here, and–"_

" _And you're a dad." Leia leaned closer, unable to resist the chance to tease her husband. "Just think, hotshot. Someday you might even be a granddad."_

_Han's chuckle warmed her. "Speak for yourself, sweetheart. Me, I ain't ever getting that old."_

Leia snapped out of her reverie, focusing on Luke's awaiting face.

Her son – no longer that baby – could be as destructive as a gale storm and as vicious as an inferno. "I don't know," she finally murmured. Indeed, she truly had no idea how Ben would react if he lost Rey, and from knowing whom the young girl was harboring within, her death was probably the likely outcome. If that happened….

Leia unexpectedly wished her father were still here to lean on for support and encouragement. Bail had taught her so many valuable lessons about courage. About strength. About leadership.

Fates, her body was tired. When was the last time she truly relaxed? Leia couldn't recall. Her worry never stopped to give her such a luxury. That was what happened when someone grew up on the run, under siege, always escaping capture or death at any moment. Paranoia became the only way to see the galaxy, and she couldn't shake the feeling that the future was going to get much, much worse.

And soon.

()()()()()

It surprised Ren how fast the conversation with Poe had flipped sideways, leaving the pilot the one to huff indignantly back into the base, BB-8 in tow. Ren was pretty sure the droid had stared him down before following his master.

Sighing deeply, Ren stood quietly for a long moment among the few workers that were giving him suspicious looks. Thankfully, the days work was mostly done, the members of the Resistance already herded back into the base and making preparations for sleep.

Staying by Poe's X-wing, Ren wanted to give the guy a sufficient amount of time to get back to his barracks… mainly because he didn't want to run into him again. He had given his account of the caves – albeit, not willingly – in hopes that Poe would not bother the girl any more. She shouldn't have to relive that experience through storytelling, and honestly, neither should he. But Ren found himself wanting to spare her… so he had.

It was strange to feel protective over someone he'd barely interacted with, but the girl shouldn't be pining after someone such as Poe. Ren had enough moral aptitude to know that Poe was a good person, but his actions when it came to women weren't really anything to be envied. If anything, Ren kind of looked down on them. He never understood how people could have sexual relations just for the sake of experiencing it. Well, he 'technically' understood why: the euphoric feeling tended to be addicting. But what do you do when it's all over? Reality is inescapable. So do you just thank the other person for the service and go about your day like normal? Like nothing happened?

Ren wouldn't be able to do that.

And he didn't want that for Jess.

He was still shocked over how he'd conveyed as much to Poe. Stars, when did he start caring so damn much? It was exhausting to the point where he needed a nap, and he hadn't had one of those since he was three.

_Stay out of it. Focus on your own life. It's not like you're in any position to give out advice._

Ren picked his way through the hangar, weaving among the ships and tools till he finally got to a base entrance. With how late it was, Rey was probably frantically pacing around his room, waiting and wondering when he would return. His evening walks were becoming longer and longer with each passing day, mainly because it was becoming increasingly more difficult to be in Rey's presence. The knowledge of her parents was making him become more distant, and every time he caught her stare, he could see her worry… and her longing for him. But he didn't know how to remedy –

Ren halted.

His eyes shifted to the left, looking down the intersecting hallway. There stood Leia, frozen, staring. Her usual jumpsuit was without the vest, giving off a more leisurely appearance, like she was getting ready to relax. Which, he deduced, she probably was.

Glancing around, he realized that this was the part of the base where the generals and admirals presided. Guess it was up and running, meaning his mother was now going to be on the base.

Where he was.

Ren would've preferred for her to stay in space.

Resuming his journey, he took two steps forward and then paused mid-stride. He looked down at his boots, feeling Leia still in the same position: watching him, unmoving. She wasn't scampering away, wasn't breaking eye contact, and wasn't ignoring him.

Inch by inch, his head turned, his eyesight following the course correction. Leia nodded to her left, sending an unspoken invitation for him to join her. How many times had he attempted a meeting with her? How many times was he denied? But here she was… wanting to speak with him.

He was going to need a full spread of body armor to get through this confrontation. Or better yet, leave the galaxy.

Ren's legs brought him down the hall, following her into the newly furnished study. It was a perfect copy of the one on the cruiser, except for the different walls and wider space. Leia perched onto a sofa, looking at Ren expectantly, waiting for him to fully immerse himself into the new environment. He drifted over to the plush couch across from her, his movements like those of a hesitant animal.

Sitting, his eyes locked onto hers, his posture stiff underneath his grey jacket as he buried his fists into his pockets.

"You look tired," Leia said, starting off the exchange. "Have you not been sleeping well?"

Ren narrowed his eyes, wondering if this was her way of subtly telling him that she knew Rey stayed over every night. It would be so like her to be nuanced, leaving him to guess her intentions.

"I've been sleeping well."

"Your room is to your liking? You understand why we couldn't put you with the general population."

"The room offers a good amount of privacy."

A hint of a smile formed on her lips. "I thought you would find that comely. I was wondering if you would demand to have a room closer to Rey, but you haven't said anything."

_Does she actually not know? Well, Rey is really good at sneaking…._

"It's fine." And then the room fell into silence, the kind that made him question why he put himself in a situation like this. But then it dawned on him that he'd been the one trying to get an audience with her. He needed to tell her….

Ren swallowed forcibly, trying to open his constricted throat so he could breath better. Sweat bloomed from under his arms and his body threatened to start shaking. These bodily reactions were a testament to his fear and his healthy adrenal glands. "I've –" Ren cleared his throat. "I've been trying to contact you."

Leia nodded solemnly. "I know, and I'm sorry for not being able to see you. I've been busy."

He immediately sensed the lie. "You can be honest and tell me you didn't want to speak with me."

Leia pursed her lips, taking a deep breath. "It's not that I don't want to speak with you. I just… don't know how to speak with you."

Not a complete lie, but her fear wafted into his senses, helping him to understand her reasoning. "You're afraid of me – don't try to deny it. I can feel the emotion within you."

Leia kept her unyielding stare, but ignored his statement. "What is it you've been wanting to talk to me about? I'm guessing there's a reason why you want to meet with me."

Ren paused, feeling his whole body tingle, like every inch of his skin was in need of a good scratch. Stomach mangling into knots, he stood, causing Leia to settle further against the sofa in surprise. Ren needed to move. He went behind his designated lounger and paced, eyes darting everywhere but at Leia.

Words.

Words could never hold enough weight to get a feeling across, and yet, it was the main method in which high-functioning beings interacted with one another. Ren was never skilled at such a technique and he hadn't a clue how to properly convey regret. Or to push aside his pride and admit his wrongdoings – which were plenty.

Leia didn't speak. She watched with patience, knowing that pushing would only avail disaster.

Passing close to Leia's desk, Ren's eyes involuntarily stumbled upon her scattered belongings. Among which was a small holo-image of Han, smiling in his usual carefree way. Ren couldn't get his feet to budge, nor his eyes to move. He made it all too obvious as to what he was intently staring at.

With horrid acuity, Ren felt his father's palm brush his cheek, remembered how he callously grabbed his arm away and let him fall into oblivion.

"The picture was taken around the time you were born," Leia cut through the quiet. "It's one of my favorites, because he didn't know it was being taken."

Ren nodded – not from agreement, but because… well, he didn't know why he was nodding. Maybe it just gave him something to do in a situation that seethed with tension.

Peeling his eyes from the image, he focused on his mother, her glistening gaze conveying the endless supply of grief. "You hate me," Ren stated.

"I don't hate you," she whispered, weakly. It was another lie, albeit harder to pick up on. The emotion wasn't as strong as the fear, which took him aback: Hate had a stronger vibration to sense, while fear was more like a low hum. But why didn't she detest him? He deserved her wrath – wanted it, craved it. How else could he find a fitting punishment?

"Do you hate yourself?" Leia asked.

"Yes," he replied without hesitation. "I murdered my own father." As the words left his lips, he witnessed his mother break apart, her hands cradling her aged features, her sobs muffled by the obstacles of flesh. He breathed in her heartache and ragged despair, letting it burn his heart in hopes that it would kill him.

Ren wanted to scream. He wanted to yell. He wanted to shout his litany of remorse to this woman, but all he could do was finally whisper, "I'm sorry." Ren hated those two weak words, because they were so incredibly useless. Its meaning changed nothing, didn't bring anyone solace from their wronged life.

He continued his strides, not sure if he should do anything else. Was it proper to leave Leia to her grief? Should he try comforting her somehow? He couldn't go to her. The very hands attached to his long arms were the ones that killed Han. Touching his mother would stain her.

Ren raked his fingers through his hair, losing count on how many times he did so. At this rate, he was going to go bald. He didn't care. The pull on his scalp was the only comforting feeling at the moment.

Leia stopped crying, wiping at her face. "I need to know what happened," she commanded more than asked.

Ren froze. "Didn't the trooper or Rey tell you?"

She sniffled. "They did, but I need to know what you two talked about. They said there was talking on the bridge, but most of it was muffled. Please, Ben… I need to know his final words. What did he say? What did he do?"

Still not facing her, he shook his head, unable to speak, unable to process. "You owe me this," Leia said, her tone a bit sharper. Indeed, he did owe her. But Ren couldn't find the _words._

"Tell me. Please." Leia insisted.

"I don't think I can."

"Try."

In that moment, Ren imagined that he was anything else: the air, a breeze, or even a nighttime mist. A thing without thought, capable of simply being, not caring, or hurting. Then maybe… he could be free from it all. But he'd been born into this body and he had done the things he did, knowing deep in his thoughts that he would have to own up to them one day, that it didn't matter whether the context behind the actions were good or bad.

Ren pivoted, placing his shaky hands on the sofa, keeping his eyes down… and then he told her. Everything. Well, not exactly everything. True to his nature, he mainly summarized what had been spoken while not going into too great of detail. But when it came time to relay Han's death, he stumbled and shut down.

To his mother's credit, she kept herself composed. Except her voice was strung out, like she'd been yelling for hours on end. She probably had on the inside. "You… you were actually considering coming home with him?"

Ben nodded.

Leia coughed, trying to smooth her voice while scooting closer to the sofa's edge. "Then what happened? After you offered your saber?"

…

…

…

…Finally, he lifted his gaze as he evenly said, "I ignited it and put it through his chest. I thanked him, he touched my face, and then I let him fall into the oscillator." Leia sat, stunned by Ren's bluntness and lack of emotion. But sometimes, in order to stay in control, you had to deliver such news quickly and evenly before your voice gave out. Unfortunately, ears still picked up sound, allowing Ren to listen to what he just verbalized.

So. Very. Tactlessly.

If he hadn't gone through the last few weeks, if he had never met Rey, if he'd never started to accept the light that waited dormant in his soul, maybe he wouldn't have lost all the feeling in his legs. Maybe he would have had the strength to keep standing… but his knees buckled and he fell to the cool ground, disappearing behind the sofa.

He wept in great, heaving gags, his tears hot and salty as they ran over his lips, his hands shielding him from the outside world. He was keenly aware of arms bringing him down into an embrace, laying his torso across a lap that felt viciously familiar. Clutching onto the arms that surrounded him, he wailed for the evil he'd done, knowing that such concepts were no longer a perception, but lived within him.

Small hands stroked his hair, reminding him of the times his mother soothed him through those early nightmares, trying to help him fall back asleep. That little boy… he had no idea what awaited him in the future.

Riding the waves of the possessive cries, Ren prayed to anything that was listening that he would stop such an embarrassing display, but nothing answered. Grasping onto the frail arms as if it was going to increase the odds of him finding his center, he listened as Leia shushed in his ear, rocking him back and forth.

"Snoke did this to you, my son. He poisoned your thoughts, made you do horrible things. He's to blame, not you." The mention of Snoke helped him to calm down, but not in the way his mother probably expected. Yes, Snoke helped manipulate him into being… _this_. And his parents neglect didn't do him any favors. But Ren blamed himself most of all, and casting the full responsibility onto another just didn't sit well with him.

Leia remained quiet as Ren settled, still in the confines of her hold. Straggling tears slid across the bridge of his nose, slithering over his temple and into his hair as he sniffled and kept his eyes closed. Breathing the stagnant, thin air, he wasn't sure how long he remained in his mother's arms, and even though conceit was telling him to stop appearing weak, he didn't move.

Ren couldn't deny that he'd wanted this even before he left for the First Order.

To just be a son.

With his mother.

"Your father and I… we failed you. I should have sensed Snoke's influence on you, I should have recognized your worth."

Creaking his lids open, he stared at the matte wall ahead. "My value is non-existent," he hoarsely stated.

Leia shook him gently. "No. You are worth so much more than you think." If Ren followed that line of belief, than he sure was worth something all right.

But only a trip to the grave.

Jerking slightly to release her hold, Ren pushed his body up and away, leaning his spine against the rigid back of the sofa. He glanced down at his large hands, zeroing in on his severely scared right palm. Memories of dying gripped him, shooting him up with a form of post-anxiety that was actually welcomed.

War had a rhythm that was contradictory: there were long stretches of waiting and inactivity, interspersed with grand explosions and near death experiences. Ren lived well among the action, but never could handle the lulls of idleness – which was what this most definitely was.

"I need to go," he mumbled as he attempted to stand, but was stopped by Leia's fierce grasp on his bicep.

Tugging him down with her body weight, she desperately said, "I don't want you to go, Ben."

"That's not my –"

"Just stay with me… a little while longer. I– I want to talk with you, like we used to when you were younger. You'd come home and tell me everything that happened at school while we ate snacks at the kitchen counter, remember?"

Turning his head, he met her pleading eyes… and nodded.

"I want to talk to my son," she pleaded, voice cracking. "Please, I miss you, Ben. You're all I think about during the day and throughout the night. I dream of what kind of family we could've been if I'd never sent you away and if I'd been honest with you from the beginning." Leia palmed his cheek, and though the touch burned, his body remained fixed, rigid.

"Give me back my son, even if it's only for a few minutes. I just… I need to know you're still you – that Snoke hasn't destroyed you. Please," her breath drew out. "I will beg. I'll even negotiate with whatever you want. Just do this for me."

Watching his mother grovel was a contradiction of who he knew her to be. Begging? Pleading? The woman had always been above such lowly acts, but sitting here and studying her face, she truly looked beseeching.

But how could he be her son? That memory in which she used was from when he was eight, and if his calculations were correct, had happened a thousand years ago. Felt like he was off by a million, though.

Looking quickly around to what he could see of the office, his depth perception started to short-circuit, making everything look farther away than it really was. Even the sense of where he was in space and the arrangement of his limbs were hard to register, for his subconscious had decided on what he would do before his brain had a chance to play catch up and veto the idea.

He was going to grant her this one request, because in all honesty, he owed her more than a pathetic apology.

This was going to be… rough.

Gently seizing her hand, he lowered it from his face and placed it in her lap... and didn't let go. Her other hand immediately clasped onto his, tightly squeezing in fear that he might try to leave again. Calmly gazing at her ripened features, he realized that while he'd been so focused on growing up, he'd forgotten that she'd been growing old. He'd seen it in Han, but the fact was more prevalent with Leia.

Emotions bubbled up in his chest and distracted him from the outside world, tethering him to this moment. The desperate edge to this transformation business was not something Ren could ignore, not while he was busy trying to remember who he used to be.

Ren swallowed back his trepidation and slipped into a skin he hadn't worn in decades. "What do you want to talk about?" he asked evenly.

There was a beat of silence as Leia composed her shocked face, her mind quickly searching for a topic. "What… what have the last six years been like for you?"

"Let's not talk about that."

"But I want to know."

A lump formed in his throat that he could barely swallow past. "No, you don't. The truth will make you sick," he stated factually. Leia glanced down at their clasped hands, her eyes attempting to blink back the pity, but brutally failing.

"It would seem there isn't much to talk about, given how we have nothing in common," Ren whispered, slumping slightly over while crossing his knees and fully facing her. Part of him knew her demand to talk wouldn't work, because what would they say to each other? He wasn't in grade school anymore, wasn't –

"How are you and Rey doing?" Leia inquired.

Ren's stare narrowed. "She's fine." 

"I asked about you both, not just her. I want to know… how your relationship is going."

Leia was honestly asking, which made Ren forget how to keep breathing. Such a reaction did not last long, however, as his face scrunched up from the encroaching confusion. "Uhh…" This was the last thing he thought she would want to know about.

Leia sat, waiting for a proper response. She didn't attempt to be polite by taking back the question or trying to steer the conversation elsewhere. Clearly, she knew something was going on between him and Rey, but how much should he reveal?

"We're fine," he mumbled, realizing that 'fine' might just be his new preferred response to everything.

"You love her?" Ren straightened, his back muscles not appreciating the sudden movement as they basically seized. "I've seen how you treat Rey differently than everyone else. You look at her affectionately, which I've never seen you do. And you seem very protective of her. So… you love her, don't you?"

He nodded tersely, sweat blooming on his brow, skin turning clammy.

His mother grinned, lighting up her sophisticated face. "Good. I'm happy for you two. I'm glad you found –"

"It's not like that," he said, abruptly feeling the need to shut down her presumption.

Leia paused, her brows tightening. "What do you mean?"

Ren shrugged. "She doesn't feel the same way."

"That's…" Leia tripped over her words. "Of course she does. I know I haven't been around a lot, but from what I can tell, she does love you."

"It's not possible."

"Not possible?" Leia eyed him up and down. "Do you… do you think it impossible for others to care about you?"

"I know that to be the case."

"No, Ben, it's not," she murmured passionately hoisting onto her knees. Leia popped up to eye level, gazing at him ardently while squeezing his large hand.

"How... how do you know?" Ren childishly whispered.

"Because you have one of the biggest hearts out of anyone I know," her soft tenor implored. "Do you remember when you were six and one of your classmates was being beat up by those other students? You got in between them and hit the kid who instigated it. You protected that child from harm, because you were compassionate. And then about a year later, little Cara's parents died in that horrible ship accident and you told her she could come live with us and that Han and I would be her new parents. Remember that?"

Ren breathed through the memories that no longer mattered. Good deeds had a statute of limitations, and since the only evidence that they ever happened was basically hearsay, they couldn't be used in his defense. Hell, it was hard for him to believe those stories were real, and he was the one who lived them.

Leia resumed, "You asked how I know it's possible for you to be loved… it's because you are capable of great compassion. It's because I love you, and your father loved you." Ren shook his head, trying to get out of his mother's firm grip, but the bind was unrelenting. Her voice was so heartfelt, that her tone felt like it was drifting down from the heavens and caressing his mind. Ren fought the haze that enticed him. He couldn't give in… couldn't believe…

As Ren settled into a pause that grew much, much longer, he suffered through an extra dose of tears sliding down his cheeks. His mother was using examples of when he was a child, of things that happened over two decades ago. And somehow, she'd grown unaware of a glaringly obvious fact.

"Nobody loves me," Ren's voice quivered.

Leia exhaled, palming his left cheek, making him look at her tender eyes. "Listen to me, Ben. Your father loved you and because of that, he tried to save you from the life you'd been manipulated into. His love was unconditional and so is mine, because we created you out of the love we had for one another." Her thumb caressed his pale skin. "I forgive you and he would want you to forgive yourself."

Her words threw him into a tailspin, blurring all thoughts till his head hurt and his heart pumped violently in his chest. Crushing his eyes shut as fresh tears fell, he breathed out, "I can't."

"You must –"

"You don't understand," he said as he opened his eyes and wiped his cheeks quickly. "I have killed hundreds of people without question, without compunction." _Like Sheldom– may he rot in ever loving misery._ "Do you honestly think I deserve love or companionship?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you were preyed upon from a young age, not understanding what Snoke was doing to you. You are very much a victim in all this, and victims deserve a chance at having the life they've been denied."

There always came a time when you passed the classification of being a victim and became the villain, following in the footsteps of the monster who made you. That had happened to Ren long ago and his mother seemed to be incapable of seeing that.

"Don't be afraid to ever love someone or to be loved in return," Leia whispered. "Having feelings isn't a weakness and it doesn't mean you're relinquishing any sense of control. I think Snoke has somehow warped your view on what it's like to live and –"

His heart bounced between the sky and the ground as his breath became trapped in his lungs. Feeling like he'd awoken from a dream, he scrambled to his feet, cutting Leia short and jerking her forward as she tried to hold onto him. "I can't do this," he proclaimed before striding for the exit, breathing through his mouth so he didn't pass out.

Leia raced to the door, placating her body in the way of his escape. For her age, it was impressive that she had moved faster than him. Then again, desperation tended to infuse a person with a wave of adrenaline.

Palms flat against the entry panel so the door remained shut, Leia stood her ground and asked, "Can – can I see you tomorrow?"

"Do you need more information on the Order?"

"You know that's not what I'm after."

Taking in a single breath… two… then three, he said, "I can't"

Leia's hopeful features fell. "Can't, or won't?" Ben didn't answer. "Is there any chance of us being mother and son again?" The question burned through his ears and sizzled his brain. How could she want that? After all he'd done? Sure, she said she loved him, but Ren didn't believe her – still didn't, even after the whole monologue on how it was possible to do so.

"No. I won't be that with you. I… I can't put myself in that position again." Abandonment was a wound that never healed. The child within never forgot. Ren recalled the last time he'd been her son.

It had not ended well.

Defeated, Leia stepped aside, allowing Ren to pass unhindered. He stopped when the door slid open, his tall frame directly beside his mother. Inhaling, his deep voice whispered, "I want you to know…" He looked down. She glanced up. Their sullen eyes met in the middle. "Every part of me regrets what I did to dad, and I'll never forgive myself. That is my eternal punishment."

With a panic that roared in his veins, he left, the pounding of his boots not registering in his bones as he basically glided across the floor.

What had he done?

He'd gone into her office with the intention of only apologizing, and somehow got roped into talking about his feelings. Why did he do that? Did she use her grief to manipulate him? And how could he move forward and face her again, knowing that he'd allowed himself to be vulnerable?

Ren groaned as he connected back into the environment, his eyes darting around the hallway, his balance destabilizing. With both legs trembling, he willed himself to keep going while focusing on breathing deep with his stomach.

" _Nobody loves me,"_ he recalled himself pathetically saying.

 _So?_ he inwardly countered. _You don't need to deal with those types of emotion. Honestly, it's a blessing Rey doesn't feel that way. This is your life and no one will ever, truly love you. Get over it and move on._

He shook his hands and cranked his neck from side to side, trying to get his flesh to cool down. The slow, sparkling anger that crawled from his gut and into his heart replaced the humiliation and helped him to focus. He didn't want to be here… on this base… with his mother.

The fury escalated quickly and Ren knew he needed to rein it in if he didn't want to lose control.

Dammit… he wanted to, though.

Nearing his room, he thought of what he could destroy and if it was possible for him to do it quietly. Then, after his pent up anger was satiated, he would leave this place and never come back.

Thank the Force he took out the chip in his arm.

But the biggest problem was going to be Rey and if she would come with him. If not… well, knowing she could never love him made the idea of leaving her barely bearable.

 _You're being self-centered_ , an inner voice whispered. _You can honestly do that to Rey?_

Well, if he was being honest with himself… he probably couldn't. But maybe if he started the process of packing, he might just build up the strength to actually leave.

_Lying to yourself never got you anywhere._

()()()()()

Rey stepped out of the shower, her hair and body dripping with the hot water that so lavishly left her feeling clean. Breathing in the humid air, she languidly dried herself, thinking how fortunate she was to experience the luxury of bathing with water. Each time felt like the first and she wondered if she would ever get used to it.

Probably not, and that was perfectly all right with her.

Glancing down at the white floor, Rey remembered finding Ren next to a pool of his own blood. All from his own doing, of course. The man had been crazy enough and driven enough to dig out that damn chip – and didn't that just piss her off. Such personality traits made him unpredictable, which was what caused her to worry about him constantly. Just once, she would like to know what crazy stunt would be next in his long list of how-to-be-rash.

Shaking her head, Rey dismissed the memory so she wouldn't get mad about it. Again.

Slipping into one of Ben's gigantic shirts and a pair of her nighttime trousers, she positioned her frame in front of the sink and wiped the condensation from the mirror. Her eyes gave her reflection a dispassionate review, making her lean over the basin so she could get really up close and personal with the glass.

She was so… plain looking. Her face was round, her eyes were a normal size, and her lips weren't overly plump. Everything about her was so ordinary that if she passed herself in a hallway, she wouldn't do a double take. But Ben had kept his word, telling her everyday how beautiful she was. It still made her uncomfortable to be showered with such compliments.

Leaning back, Rey's hands started to glide over her body until her they settled on the tiny bumps that were her breasts. That womanly feature was so small that her palms more than covered them. It was borderline shameful, really. Next to inspect were her hips, which was a waste of time since she had none.

Rey groaned internally.

During her life on Jakku, she had been meticulous in keeping up her strength and planning for her next meal. Her looks were never a concern because she'd never cared… until now. Honestly, she couldn't figure out why Ben found her so attractive. Compared to all the other women he'd been with, she had to be the most plain looking. She figured –

Rey heard the outside door open and close, the sound of heavy boots moving about the room. She'd been getting close to going out and tracking Ben down, cause who takes a walk in the evening for three hours?

 _At least he made it back right before curfew_ , she thought as she read the time on the wall.

Using his brush, she combed through her hair and adjusted her clothes before exiting the refresher.

Ben was rifling through the closet, shoving articles of clothing into a bag that was already overflowing. "What are you doing?" Rey asked.

Ben froze and didn't move.

"Ben?" she pushed.

His torso expanded from his deep inhales. "I need to leave," he said evenly.

"Are you being moved to another room?"

He shook his head… and then Rey realized what was really happening. "You're leaving the base," she uttered.

He nodded as he resumed shoving in the last remnants of clothes and then zipped up the duffle. Walking over to the bed, he placed the luggage on the mattress and slowly turned around. Every line and feature was in place, making him seem void. But his eyes were what gave him away: they were bloodshot and glistening, evidence that he'd been crying.

"I talked to the general," he vocalized. Rey's sight bounced between him and the bag before settling on his face.

Her voice let out a measly, "You did?"

He nodded. "I apologized."

Obviously there was more to the story or he wouldn't be going through the dramatics of packing. "Was that all that happened?"

"We… talked."

"What about?"

Ben came to her, his eyes burning into her soul and warming her skin. Rey immediately had to downshift from his dark, penetrating stare to somewhere in his chin vicinity so she wouldn't feel overwhelmed. Long, calloused fingers stroked her cheek, electrifying her skin. "Leave with me," he beseechingly whispered. "We can go anywhere you want…. Anywhere. You love the ocean and I know dozens of other planets that have beaches just as mesmerizing as Spira's. We can build a life together, just you and me."

Shaking her head, she stared at him like she had no idea who he was. "And leave everyone else to fight this war?"

_He's joking. This is all just a big–_

"The Resistance is going to lose, Rey," he said, placing both hands on her shoulders. "They don't have the manpower or the resources to destroy the First Order. We should leave before we get taken down with them."

Her neck and spine went stiff, and the lines of her mouth tightened. "And how long do you think it will be before the Order finds us? Sooner or later, there won't be anywhere in the galaxy to hide."

"At least we'd have some time to be together."

She shook her head. "I'd rather fight for the chance of having a full life, than be complacent on waiting for it to be taken from me."

Ben removed his hefty hands, letting them drop to the side as he stepped back. "So… you'd stay here, then?"

"Yes," she firmly said. "I won't abandon my friends and frankly, I'm surprised you would."

With eyes negate of emotion, Ben said, "I don't have any friends."

Rey blinked away her surprise. She hadn't expected him to say that, not after… _everything._ "You have me."

To that, he said nothing. It worried her.

Rey gulped as she started to feel her body tremble like it was cold, but it wasn't from the room temperature. It was from fear. "You – you aren't still gonna leave after I told you I wouldn't come with you… are you?"

His face remained blank, giving nothing away as to the inner workings of his mind. As he just looked at her, she felt exposed, as if he were reading her mind or calculating her importance to him. She hoped it was the former. "Do you remember on Ahch-To when you told me you and I could leave this war behind and live elsewhere?"

"Ye-Yes–"

"You're a liar."

The silence that followed was deafening. The judgment was palpable.

Blood rushed to her ears from the sharp accusation… that happened to be completely true. "What?" she croaked out.

His eyes were dark. Not so much brown as black. "You lied to me."

Once her brain cells started firing off again, Rey's body locked up and her tone didn't back down. "That is very hypocritical of you to say, don't you think?"

He shrugged, not even looking remotely bothered. "I won't deny that I'm a hypocrite, but it doesn't mean what I said is untrue."

 _Fine. Whatever. We can be hypocrites together._ "I… Ben, so much has changed since then." She took a step forward; he took a step back. "We found out about Kayani and realized why Snoke made you turn to the Dark side –"

"It doesn't change anything."

"Yes, it does. We can take down Snoke and help the Resistance end this war. You and I, we have a greater purpose than just being together."

He scoffed. "Greater purpose?"

She threw out her arms, letting the limbs get animated as she hotly spoke. "Fine. You know what? If I can't convince you that we are important to the outcome of the galaxy, I don't know what will. But can you honestly stand there and tell me you don't care about what happens to these people on base? Or what happens to Poe? Your mother? Even your uncle?"

"Why should I?"

"Because you care about them, dammit!" Rey yelled in frustration. "You stand there and pretend you don't, but I know you do!"

Rey immediately regretted yelling, because she knew Ben didn't like it. But it was a better alternative than slapping him, so….

Ben rubbed his face and lowered his head, his dark tresses falling around his hands. "It's just…" he said softly, "it's all getting too hard."

With the atmosphere calming into something sullen, Rey peered at him, not knowing what to say to that admission. If he'd continued to be unreasonable, she could have handled that easily, but this quiet resignation from a man as powerful as him was hard to bear.

Ben placed his hands on his slim hips and said, "I'm tired from the guilt that constantly weighs me down."

Swallowing back her surprise at seeing him be so open, she replied, "You're exhausted. Everybody feels that way at some point, but leaving isn't going to make you stronger. Staying here and fighting will. This is your second chance, Ben," Rey implored. "You have so much power that could be used for good and by doing so, you can make amends for the things you've done."

"That's a simple answer for a lifetime of mistakes. Doing good deeds does not erase anything, and it doesn't make you feel better. I'll never be a person worth saving; I'll never be a righteous man. The galaxy wants me gone."

Rey wrapped her arms around her middle. She hated when Ben got in these moods, because somehow, he always forgot about her. "What about me? I tried to forget you the two weeks we were apart, but I never could. And then I watched you die, and it nearly ruined me. I see you struggling to be here and all I think about is how I want to try and help you. Please Ben, tell me how I can help you."

…"You can't help me."

"I– I can," she stuttered, feeling herself getting emotional. "I will. Something happened while talking with your mother and I don't know what it was, but it shouldn't change the progress you've made. Tell me what I can do."

Silence ensued.

Rey started to throw out suggestions in an effort to engage him. "Do you need to talk? I can listen. Do you want me to comfort you? Because I can do that." She tried to wrap her arms around him, but he pushed her away, denying her of his closeness.

"I don't want comfort in the form of a hug."

"Then what–" Rey stopped talking as she realized what other forms of comfort there were. "Oh."

Becoming antsy, Ben began to pace while ravaging his hair with his hands, leaving his dark locks as ragged as a torn cloth. "All these feelings I have, the emotions I feel… it's getting to be too much. I don't understand how people can care about someone and stay sane at the same time." He stopped and met her gaze, pained. "I look at you, and I just love you, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you – what I have contemplated doing for you."

_Doing what for me? What is he talking about?_

She reached out for him. "Ben–"

He continued his pacing, looking down at the floor and shaking his head. "I can't stay here, Rey," he whispered.

Rey ground her teeth, suddenly becoming fed up with coddling him. "So. You're really going to leave me. Again. Because you're too afraid to feel… too afraid to see your own mother. Is that it?"

Ben repeated the back and forth, his footfalls beating into the floor. He didn't answer.

"Fine." Rey gestured to the door. "Go. But I want you to know that if you leave, then all you ever were was a monster. And a coward."

He spun on his heels to face her. "What? You think this is simple? You think there's an easy answer?" Ben pointed at her. "You can never understand what I've done or the remorse that follows me everywhere I go."

"I know of everything you've done, because you've done it to me." The interrogation, her one father figure being killed, the duel on Starkiller, the fight on the island that almost killed her… it all played through her mind.

The blood drained from Ben's face, conveying to her that he was thinking through it all as well. "But I've always stuck by you," Rey continued, "even when it was hard to do so."

Lips quivering, Ben went to the bed and looked down at the long, dark bag. Rey waited for him to grab the handle and dart for the door, but instead, he just sat down, not even giving the duffle a second glance. _Does this mean he's going to stay? Was he–_

"Why?" Ben asked, interrupting her spewing thoughts.

"Why what?"

Ben lifted his gaze. "Why do you stay?" His voice was deep and low, rattling in his throat. "You come here every night and cling to me while you sleep. You worry about me when we aren't together. You stay by my side even though people gossip about it. Why? Why do you do these things? Because Rey, I'm not worth the hassle."

As she breathed in the still air, her breaking heart hurt so badly that she could barely bear the pain – because she knew that Ben truly believed he was worthless, reviled… unloved… and he was starving himself of the goodness he didn't think he could feel. Glancing at the packed bag, she realized he was never truly going to leave, that the packing was a sort of therapy to try to make him feel in control.

In this quaint room, where things that should've been said hadn't been, where what might have been hadn't come to fruition, she accepted that her feelings belonged to him just as much as they belonged to her.

Watching him become confused, three simple words sprung out of that deep cage of her fear, running amok in her mind. As she spoke them in her thoughts, she found them to be deep and rhythmic, almost like a song – except no, there was so much more substance to the eight letters, the three syllables becoming solid in her bones, wrapping her being in a rainbow colored cocoon, each strand circling one upon another upon another until the number became infinite and the binding permanent.

This revelation warmed her stomach and calmed her heartache, giving her the courage to speak the truth.

"Isn't it obvious?" Rey asked. Ben stared at her, his brows pinching together from trying to see something that didn't exist for the eyes to perceive, but for the ears to hear and the soul to feel.

The perplexity of his expression jammed her with guilt, because day in and day out he'd expressed his love for her, reminding her of the beauty she didn't see in herself and the strength he steadily admired. But what has she ever done for him? As much as she shied away from such glittering words, the truth was, she desperately needed to hear those things... and he needed it as well. Sentient beings were meant to connect, to belong, and to be loved – which was what he'd been trying to do with her, but she'd given him little leeway into the depths of her heart.

Yes, he'd been distant as of late, but maybe it was from her unwillingness to express her feelings.

Rey took a deep breath and came a little closer, moving slowly till the gap between them dissolved. Getting on her knees, Ben watched as she extended her soft, warm hand, sliding it into his palm, resting their joined hands on his thigh. His skin was cold, and she could feel him shutter from her warmth.

Transfixing him with her hazel stare, Rey pushed aside her fear and ardently whispered, "I do these things," there was a beat of silence,"… because I love you."


	44. To Live and to Love

"I do these things… because I love you," Rey tenderly spoke, holding his hand while showing an unknown vulnerability in her hazel eyes. Now it was Ren's turn to feel poleaxed, his body going numb as he tried to comprehend what she just said.

Fates, if he heard her correctly, he pitied her. Clearly she was delusional, or she was speaking such nonsense because she felt sorry for him. He feared it was the latter.

Ren's eyes never stopped gazing at her lovely and forthcoming face. Whenever he was left in the recesses of his own mind, he'd always chased the dream of hearing her say those words to him. But here? Now? He couldn't accept it, for he lost the ability to do so long ago.

The sadness in him welled up, a rain cloud condensing over him quickly. As he struggled to organize his muddled thoughts and emotions, he touched her cheek and felt her warmth against the tips of his cold fingers. With every word that was supposed to bring them closer, his soul was giving out on them both, his heart growing logy, his mind unable to believe….

Throughout his life, Ren never knew who would leave or stay. He ended up pushing them all away, guarding his emotional heart from the daggers of disappointment. Stars, was he as much to blame for his broken family as his parents were? Maybe… he had been too difficult a child.

"Ben?" Rey whispered, grabbing his hand to still it on her face. "Did you hear me? I said I love–"

"Don't be a tragedy, Rey," he whispered with offensive gentleness.

Rey froze, her eyes widening and her mouth agape. Standing and releasing their joined palms, she stepped away, shocked by what he'd just spoken. He, on the other hand, remained seated, his features trying to exude someone that was calm and collected.

Ren failed, for he truly looked lost and sorrowful.

True to his brutal nature, he'd managed to strangle the warmth out of a situation in a fraction of a second. But he couldn't handle hearing those words come in the form of her proverbial voice. It was cruel, and he felt like he'd been tortured enough for one day.

Feeling broken and wanting to be left alone, he nodded to the door as he said, "You should go before you say something else you'll regret."

Rey closed her mouth and shook her head. "I don't regret how I feel," she staunchly held. "What I said is the truth."

"No, it's not. I don't want you saying such things because you feel sorry for me."

Her face tightened in distaste. "You think I feel sorry for you?" She scoffed incredulously, her eyes lighting up with a passionate fire. "Cause right now, pity doesn't even come close. You know what? I'm getting kinda frustrated, actually."

"I tend to do that to people."

Pursing her lips, she stood statuesque for a long stretch of time. Growing uncomfortable, Ren was tempted to say something else, because the kinetic silence that ensued was starting to become worse than the talking.

Rey was critically scrutinizing him, trying to read what was going on below his inflexible surface. At last, she said, "Ben. I love you–"

"Please, don't."

"–and you are going to listen to me explain to you why," Rey commanded, her penetrating stare making him feel small. Even as his brain cramped up over the situation, he stayed put, crossing his arms as if he could defend himself from the upcoming chorus of words.

Rey breathed deeply, rubbing her palms on her blue trousers. She was nervous and his first thought was to get up and comfort her. He resisted, even though a part of him wanted to be next to her. He wanted to be close… "I know I've been guarded and have shied away every time you've told me you love me." She said it like he was disappointed over that fact. Ren opened his mouth to argue he wasn't, but she just steamrolled right over him. "But I'm done with being partially closed off from you. That first dream we shared together – do you remember that?" Pause, then he nodded. "Before we woke, you told me I could never hate you more than you hate yourself. I – I think you've hated who you are your whole life and it makes you incapable of believing others can love you."

…. Ren couldn't argue the falsity of that observation, because there was none.

Rey chewed at her lip and fretfully played with her fingers, thinking of how to phrase her fast moving thoughts. "I… was never looking to fall in love with anyone, because my life always revolved around what I would eat that day or where would be the best place to scavenge. I fantasized about it, sure, but I never thought I would get an opportunity to experience it – like those characters from my books. I wanted the chance, though…" Her pitch became a whisper, her eyes going out-of-focus from her lonely memories.

Ren wished he could take those away from her and replace them with something she deserved.

Blinking back into reality, she continued on. "But then you appeared to me as Ben in that dream and I found myself starting to want everything." Was she remembering the same dream as him? Because he was a total ass throughout that whole – "And before you say it, yes, you were a far cry from the man you are now. You were ruthless and I'll admit, I was very afraid of you." She swallowed, gazing at him entreatingly. "But that first dream we had… the way you looked at me at the end–" she palmed her cheek"–and the way you touched me, it was so… right." Ren's fingers tingled from the recollection as Rey slightly leaned into her own touch, as if it were happening all over again. Had he really made her feel that way back then?

Finding his voice, he said, "I still don't understand what you get out of being with me." Truly, he did not. From being with her, he was blessed with the sun. But all he ever gave her was a blurred glimpse at the stars.

"What do I get from you?" She repeated incredulously. Placing her hands at the hips and gazing down at the floor, she went still and quiet, thinking over his question. "You know," Rey muttered, "my whole life people have been waiting for me to fail and laughed at me whenever I got knocked down." Her face contorted from the memory. "I got stronger and older and became Unkar's best scavenger, but beneath it all, I never truly stopped feeling insignificant. " Eyes shifting to his, she said, "Until I met you. The man you are today. Never have you made me feel like I'm not good enough. Instead, you've built me up and showed me that I can be strong and that my thoughts and opinions matter. For the first time, I feel beautiful and special and it's all from being with you. You treat me with a reverence I've never known."

Ren knew he was close to believing her, for his body became hot. At first the ease of the heat was a boon, since his skin had been unnaturally cold. But as she kept talking, his body raged with a fever as agonizing as the need to consider her feelings as truth. Breath picking up, he hoped for relief, but found none.

Rey took a step forward, placing her palm humbly over her heart. "I love you more than the bad days ahead of us, because honestly, we will get into fights. We are going to disagree and argue, but I wouldn't want to do those things with anyone else but you." Crossing over and sitting next to him, her hand rested on his thigh, her thumb moving back and forth. The touch was wholesome and mesmerizing and he couldn't look away from her petite, but strong hand.

After forever, Rey's imploring voice pierced through the blood rushing in his ears. "Now I want you to imagine all the horrible things you've done to me and know I love you more than how much you detest yourself over all of it."

Grabbing her sun kissed hand, he brought it up to his lips, his mouth brushing over her soft, youthful skin. "I've hurt you so much," he whispered.

"The Dark side has hurt me. All you've ever done is love me. You found parts of me I didn't know existed and in you, I found a love I've never known before." Fingers tapped his chin, turning his head so he would look at her. "Ben, I never believed I could love someone, because no one has ever loved me. You changed that. _You_ did."

Fighting the pull of her words, he murmured, "I don't know if I can truly believe you–"

"Then feel it." His mind instantaneously became light, transmitting that she was completely open to him.

 _What do I do?_

There were only two outcomes to the situation: she either truly loved him, or she didn't. And in his experience of dealing with emotion, both endings were equally painful. Ones effects were just more immediate than the other.

Taking in a deep breath, he descended into the part of his soul that was linked to hers, slowly inching the bond between them open–

Ren stopped breathing.

He'd never been in a speeder accident before, but he had a feeling that this what was they were like. You were going along, minding your own space when suddenly everything you were thinking about before the crossroads was put on hold, replaced by a collision that became your one and only priority.

In this case, the collision was the realization that Rey loved him and accepted him for who he was.

Her feelings roared across his thoughts like an epic invasion, a resounding blast of her power ripping right through, lighting up the marrow in his bones and sending a spark tossing and turning inside of his heart. It exploded on impact in a glorious rush of strength, while simultaneously wrapping him in the vestments of tranquility.

From this experience, Ren felt like he could leap from the tallest cliff and fly. He was whole, complete, solid in his head and heart and body, all his puzzle pieces in perfect fitting order, that dark soul of his lit and rendered to a refined symmetry for once in his malevolent life.

He had to shut the connection off before he blacked out from the sheer overwhelming conviction of her feelings. Fortunately, she didn't take offense, but instead understood why he had to do it.

Releasing the trapped air from his lungs, he gasped like he'd been drowning and had finally broken through to the surface. "You…love me," he hoarsely whispered as he ran out of words. Thoughts. Impulses.

Pushing stray hairs from his face, Rey softly said, "Believe me now?"

And then he did something that was rare: he smiled. A big, goofy, unrelenting smile. The kind that pushed back your ears and crinkled your eyes till it became hard to see. Ren laughed like he used to as a child: silly and carefree. The impossible had now become the possible, the joy over it all filling him to the brim and this time, he let it all overflow and spill out into his heart.

Drawing her into an enveloping embrace, she laughed right along with him, her bright glee a song unto his ears. They rode the waves of merriment till their stomachs could no longer bear the sting.

Even after the room fell into silence, he kept holding her, burying his face in the dampness of her hair, breathing in the fresh fragrance. Brushing his lips along her neck, he could feel her chest heave against him, her head lolling to the side to provide him better access. Trailing up to her jaw, he languidly searched for the curvature of her lips.

When he kissed her, it felt like… perfection _._

Stars, how he loved kissing her. He loved feeling her mouth against his, loved having her close, loved taking her breath into his lungs, stringing her hair through his fingers, loved… her. But now that there was no difference of emotion between them, he found himself _wanting_ her.

Bad.

By just sitting there and existing, she somehow reached beyond his celibacy and enticed upon the man beneath the discipline, stirring up something deep and primal. The unexpected tilting sensation moved his mind beyond the avenues of conversation and into his desires to be intimate.

"Rey?"

"Yes?"

"I want to see you," he whispered low into her ear.

She pulled back slightly, arching a brow. "I'm right here."

"I want to see… all of you." He clammed up as he realized what he was asking of her, feeling like he'd tripped on the conversational equivalent of an upturned rug edge. But then the unexpected happened: Rey's lids drooped, her eyes became hazy, and her lips parted enough that they caught his attention. His ability to sense her desire for him was unnecessary, because her intentions were as transparent as Jelucani fogstone.

"Okay," was all her winded voice could assemble.

With his pupils darting between her hazel stare, Ren stroked her hair, and it was a while before he asked what was on the tip of his tongue. "Will you let me… make love to you?"

()()()()()

Rey's heart pounded so violently, she could have sworn she'd just ran up those damn stairs on Ahch-To again. But nope. This had nothing to do with exercise and everything to do with what Ben just asked her.

"Y-yes," she stuttered. Ben didn't move immediately, but rather stayed close and studied her face. Was he trying to make sure she was actually fine with where this was headed?

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to," he told her.

"I want to," she said quickly, grabbing his arm. "I… I've wanted this for a very long time."

"Me too, but Rey, you're trembling." She'd been hoping it was from suddenly becoming cold, but as Ben touched her cheek and she felt his warm palm, she knew the shaking was all from her doing.

Ben pulled away and bent over to take off his boots. Then he flipped back the blankets, crawled into the bed, and motioned for her to join him. "Here. You should get under the covers with me."

"But I want –"

"We have time," he amusingly grinned. "We can take it slow. Let me just hold you for a while. Okay?"

Knowing that resistance was futile, Rey nodded and let him position her head on his bicep and her leg over his waist. Facing him, he played with her dampened locks, twisting and combing them with his fingers. The monotonous movement calmed her somewhat, helping to dispel the quivering.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out.

Ben frowned. "For what?"

"I ruined the moment, didn't I?"

His hand settled in her hair. "You didn't ruin anything. I love laying here with you. And you should never apologize to me. Remember?"

"But you want me."

"I always want you, but I want you to be ready."

"I am." His eyes narrowed. "Really, I am. It's just…."

"What?"

As the minutes passed while trying to come up with what to say, Rey realized that there was no dancing around the truth, that the best thing to do would be to get it all out in the open.

She inhaled deeply, her eyes darting from his face, to his chest, to the ceiling. "I've… never… done this… before," Rey bashfully admitted.

Ben restarted the smoothing of her hair, soothing her nerves and giving her the strength to look at him. "I know," was all he whispered, his eyes full of understanding.

And zero judgment.

She chuckled sardonically to try and ease the rest of the tension. "Honestly, I shouldn't be acting this way over something that isn't a big deal."

"Sex is a big deal," he countered.

Rolling her eyes, she said, "Well, yes, it is. But people do it all the time, so I really shouldn't be freaking out this much."

Ben shook his head against the pillow, inadvertently ruffling his hair. "Other people don't matter. Right now, all that matters is you and me. Don't compare yourself to what other people do."

But… it was difficult not to compare. Ben had so much more experience than her and she wanted this to be perfect and–

"Rey," he said as their eyes met. "Can I ask you something personal?" She nodded and then he swallowed, moving his throat up and down. "Have you ever… pleasured yourself?"

"You mean…" she glanced down to her waist.

"Yes."

 _Oh_.

"Uhhh, no. I never really learned about that… stuff. I would overhear some of the women at the washing station talk about sex and different things, but I never really understood all of it. I mean, I understand the basics, but some of the stuff they said confused me and…" her voice trailed off. "I sound pathetic, don't I?" Here she was, at the adult age of nineteen and she didn't even know how to truly be with a man.

And Ben was very much a _man._

"Given the situation you grew up in, it doesn't sound pathetic in the slightest," he said sympathetically. Ben tucked a hair behind her ear, his eyes suddenly growing nervous, but needful. "Will you let me do something for you?" 

"What is it?"

There was a quiet moment. "I want to make you feel good," Ben said softly, deeply. "If you'll let me."

Rey's stomach knotted, but not from worry. This feeling was warm, and it traveled throughout her bloodstream, loosening her muscles. "What… what would you do?"

"I would touch you here." His palm hovered over her chest and then roamed beneath the blankets, down her stomach before lightly tapping on the very edge of her pelvis, right between her legs. "And further down from here." A lick of heat shot through her, coalescing between her thighs and making her breathing uneven.

"Yes," she said with a confidence that surprised even her. "Please." Later, much later, she would reflect that those two words were the precipice. _Yes, please_. Truly, it opened the gateway for everything that followed.

Ben let out a deep breath that lasted a lifetime and she could have sworn he murmured _thank you_ , but her heartbeat was all the way up in her head, blocking out the tiniest of noises.

Next she knew he was on top of her, bearing all his weight on his forearms. Bending down, he put his lips to hers and kissed her carefully. But what started off as soft quickly turned intense as his tongue declared its dominance and her mouth became numb from the passion.

Abruptly, he pulled away, leaving her dizzy and confused. Ben was now upright and straddling her, his eyes peering through disheveled hair: dark, lustful, and hungry. "May I undress you?"

Rey nodded, because she couldn't trust her voice to work. Ben grabbed the shirt's edge, languidly bringing it up, up, and over her head and through her arms as her hair bundled upon the pillow. Cool air swept across her bare flesh, making her involuntarily shiver.

Sitting there, Ben's mouth fell open, his eyes glued to her chest. Her tight pink nipples and minuscule breasts were fully displayed, because conveniently, Rey hadn't put on her chest wrap.

Watching Ben watch her, a strong sense of insecurity gripped her mind again – especially as Ben made no effort to move. Rey covered her chest with her arms and shut her eyes, wondering if she wasn't attractive enough for him to want to touch her.

Big hands gently pulled at her wrists. "Don't hide. You're beautiful, Rey, and I just want to look at you." She let up and let him bring her arms to the side. "You're so strong," his palms traced her flat stomach, "and stunning." Ben leaned down, trailing his lips along the long scar he had given her a lifetime ago. Making his way up to her face, his lips met hers as his right palm cupped her small breast. Rey relaxed into him, grabbing the nape of his neck to pull him closer.

His mouth wandered down, his body shimmying so he was eye level with her torso. He planted kisses along her collarbone, sternum, and every inch of skin he could find. Dipping down to her chest–

Rey's whole body torqued, an electric heat frying every thought and raising every hair as Ben took one of her nipples into his mouth. As he drew her flesh between his lips, sucking, tonguing, flicking it ever so gently, she moaned and dug her fingers harder into his hair.

The suckling just kept going, and she was so into the sensation of his warm mouth that she didn't realize his body was positioned off to the side, his hand lazying downward, going beneath her trousers and honing in on–

Rey gasped as he swept his fingers against the slickness, a spark of fire forming in the depths of her gut. Ben released the pulls on her flesh, resting his forehead against her sternum, panting his hot breath against her skin. "You're so wet," he mumbled, his rumbling voice vibrating her bones.

"Is –" she cleared her throat. "Is that good?"

"Yes, it's very good." He craned his head up. "I won't stop unless you want me to." And she knew that if she did, he would. No questions asked.

"I don't want you to stop." Without a doubt, she wanted to explore that feeling further and she wanted Ben to take her there.

Keeping his palm at her core, he scooted up and rotated between kissing her mouth, nipping at her neck, and nuzzling into her hair. All the while gently massaging her down below.

Everything was slow and rhythmic, a bombardment of sensations that left her wanting more and more. He wasn't rough, but he did pick up the pace, which was exactly what she wanted.

Her urgency got raw quick, and Ben didn't tease her by slowing down or stopping. Instead his fingers slid inside of her, his thumb circling up top as he massaged from within. There was a small sense of invasion and oddity to it all, but the way her body resplendently responded made it feel natural at the same time.

Ben kept up the tempo, like he somehow knew from her moans and gasps that she was getting close to something amazing, something she didn't fully understand. The tingling and pressure started at her core and in her toes, both separate, but entirely identical. Feeling wound up, that coil deep inside wound tighter and tighter and tighter – and when it finally snapped free, Rey shattered, her blood turning into gold, her body lighting up from the divine.

Ben kissed her at that moment, tasting her moans against his lips and tongue. His hand gradually slowed as he helped her ride out the waves till she was spent, flayed, and unable to move. She'd been deprived of experiencing this feeling, and now, all she wanted to do was lay here for a year and have it done to her over and over and over again.

Ben rustled around and she opened her eyes to see him lift his shirt up over his abs, his broad chest, his neck, and then his head. Using it as a rag, he quickly cleaned off his hand and threw it to the ground without a thought.

Rey's eyes ate him up: his thick muscles stood out in sharp relief, carved from his years of discipline, powerful even though, in this moment, he appeared to be gentle.

Focusing back on her, Ben's fingers dipped into her waistband and leisurely slid both her pants and undergarment all the way down to her ankles, taking them completely off and letting them fall to the floor.

Her breathing hitched, but she didn't make him stop. She was going to do this, and no amount of nerves were going to stop it now.

Moving his knees between her legs, he opened her wider, pushing her thighs open with his palms… until he could see every intimate detail: her light patch of hair and glossy core. She watched him steadily as his eyes glowed in awe, his lips partially opening. "You're divine," he whispered. Bending her legs up, he started to stoop down, his face going–

She snapped her knees together, almost crushing his head between the sudden movement. Ben withdrew in surprise and looked up at her puzzled face.

"What… what are you doing?" she asked, on the verge of abrupt panic.

His eyes darted across her body nervously as he said, "I, uh, wanted to kiss you."

"But my lips are up here," she disputed, pointing at her mouth.

Biting at his inner cheek, he glanced down at his wide hands resting on her knees for a long and substantial moment. Then he gazed back at her. "Those weren't the lips I was after," he finally admitted.

Rey blinked rapidly and began to stammer out a sentence. "I… that's not… why…" Ben rubbed her legs soothingly, calming her down.

"I won't do that, and I'm sorry I didn't ask first."

 _Was he… Was he really–_ "Do people do that sort of thing?" Rey asked, slightly curious and a whole lot of confused.

"Yes."

Rey gulped. For reasons unknown to her, having him down there seemed way more intimate than the actual act of having sex. The whole idea made her sort of nervous. Take out the sort of. "I – I don't know how I feel about doing that…"

"It's okay and again, I'm sorry for upsetting you. We can try it later or not at all. Whatever you want to do."

In the quiet that followed, Rey found herself studying Ben's face as if she were trying to re-memorize what was already marked on her brain. Then again, she wasn't actually looking at his attractive features. She was searching for some sense of courage inside herself. Or, like, anything that would help her get this moment back on track. "Okay…" He smiled at her and she thought about how her shot of panic just derailed everything. Again. "I'm–"

"You didn't ruin anything, Rey," he assured her. "I still want to be with you."

And boy, did his stare let her know that.

"Good," she said in relief. Ben attempted to crawl up to kiss her, but was stopped by her leg against his chest. "I don't want to be the only one naked here. Doesn't seem fair."

Chest steadily rising and falling, Ben paused before slowly twisting off the bed. His hands went for his trousers, but then froze, glancing up at Rey. It took her a second to recognize the expression he wore, because it wasn't one he showed very often. More like never.

Ben was strikingly nervous, and it would seem they had now swapped roles.

Before she could coax him into being comfortable, he gritted his teeth and dropped everything to his ankles, kicking off the pants and leaving his naked form behind.

She sat up, rotating her legs over the edge. Immediately, her sight zeroed in on his manhood, noting how long and hard it was, the black patches of hair hiding nothing from her view. She'd never seen this part of a man before, and at first, the size of him was intimidating. _How is that supposed to fit? How much is it going to hurt?_ But then, tossing away her nerves, the reality of getting a step closer to being with him brought about a welcomed itch of excitement.

Having an innate need to feel him in her palm, Rey let her body take control and approached him, stopping when her breasts pressed up against his chest, her left hand resting on his defined pec. "You're beautiful, Ben."

His eyes enlarged and she didn't give him a chance to respond as her hand traveled down and grasped him, making him hiss. The feel of him was hot, rigid, and shockingly smooth. Never at any moment of her life had Rey been possessive over a person or one who sought after power, but in this moment, witnessing how she made Ben react, she'd never felt so dominant in her life.

She liked it.

Ben didn't let her explore the feeling much further. He grabbed the back of her thighs and hoisted her up like her weight was obsolete, wrapping her legs around his middle as he made for the bed. He kept her in his hold as they went vertical, the softness of his tip right at her opening.

Softly, he whispered, "This is probably going to be painful at first for you. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes. I don't want to go back," Rey stated as he stroked her cheek.

Ben's deep dark eyes became serene, the color like that of a night sky with thousands of twinkling stars. There was a need there except there was so much more: reverence, gratitude… a vulnerability with no shame to mask it.

Lips locking, the ache in her core began to spread throughout her whole body like wildfire across dry grass. And she knew the only balm to her ache was Ben. As he entered her on a slow, gentle glide, she welcomed him not just with her body, but with her soul, both gasping from the contact.

But as he went deeper, she winced from the unexpected sharp pain, her face contorting and lips pursed. _No, no, no…_ This wasn't how she wanted this to go.

Ben stopped. "Are you alright?"

Rey took deep breaths. "It… hurts more than I thought it would."

"Do you want to stop?"

Shaking her head, she asked, "Do I get used to this after a while?"

"Yes."

"Then I want to keep going," Rey demanded. "Are you… all the way in?" Really, she didn't know how else to ask _that_ question.

Ben shifted a tad on top of her, his nose almost grazing over hers. "Uhhhh, no. I'm just half way."

 _Great_.

"I'll go slow –"

"No, Just do it" she said, swiping some stray hairs from her face. Oh wait, that was Ben's hair that was tickling her skin. "I want this part over with as fast as possible."

"You sure?"

Rey nodded and braced–

Ben thrusted, hitting deep and making her cry out as the agony flared and her body yelled at her to stop this process altogether. She didn't realize how hard she was clutching onto him until she felt her nails digging into his back and her face buried in his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Ben breathed into her ear. "I'm–"

"It's not your fault," she interrupted through clenched teeth. "I'm guessing this is what being a woman entails."

"It's unfair to you." More like unfair to the female species. _Fates_ , she thought. _I should've been born a man._

"Let me just... get used to this for a second."

_Please don't let me ruin this; please don't let me ruin this; please don't let me ruin this._

()()()()()

Rey was all the power and splendor of the universe coalesced into one living, breathing thing, a miracle he'd been granted in spite of the fact that he was underserving of anything but isolation.

On top and inside, her warmth and tightness surrounded Ren's arousal, electrifying all the nerve endings at the tip. Being this close and giving her the first taste of release was like touching the sun and somehow not incinerating. What a privilege; what an honor to be worshiping her in such a way.

Except this experience was turning out to be much different for her, and didn't that just rack him with guilt.

Watching her face ease out of the pain, he rubbed her cheeks with his thumbs, helping to smooth out the lines. "I think if you open the connection and feel what I feel, it might help you," he suggested on a whim, not knowing if it would work. She nodded as their minds and feelings melded and he worked at pushing away her pain and replacing it with his bliss.

Rey sighed, relaxing her locked joints and stiff muscles, her eyes closing in contentment. Now with zero barriers, mentally and physically, it was infinitely easier to gage her desires and feelings and all he wanted to do was make this experience magnificently perfect for her.

He kept his eyes locked on her as he brought their mouths together softly. Stroking and caressing, he licked at her lips as he started to move in the smallest of pushes, careful not to hurt her.

But soon, the caution was no longer needed.

Ren felt her body yearn and claw for him, a delicious unfurling washing through her, relaxing and easing, bringing on a peaceful encouragement that was profound and poetic. Or was that him feeling these things? Her pain became an afterthought, and he didn't know if it was because she was focusing on taking in his gratification or if she was now used to the filling sensation.

Without words or hesitations, they moved together, building momentum, gathering intensity. They held onto each other, her nails raking his flesh, his arms under her and squeezing.

Soon, the movements became too passionate for them to stay mouth to mouth, especially since he was so much taller than her. Making his back straight, her head tucked right below his chin, there moans intermixed into the still air. Ren felt the pressure building not just in himself, but in Rey as well. He held off till she was right on the precipice. When he finally came, it was on a last curl of his spine and a pulsing in her core, and she went along with him, the two of them wrapped up tight, breathing in the ecstasy.

And he thought his daydreams were hot? The real thing made those feel like room temperature compared to the surface of Mustafar.

As he sagged into her, his body spent, his mind at peace, he felt some part of himself return – a part that had been gone for a while, but that he hadn't really been aware of missing. A part that was completely… Ben.

"Are you okay?" he asked, lifting his head.

Rey's face was flushed and her hair was strewn all over the white pillow. In her eyes shined the evidence of satisfaction, and didn't that just make him proud. "I'm more than okay. That was… amazing," Rey said breathlessly.

Reaching up to his face, she cupped it and with gentle contact, commanded all of him, his body and his mind and his soul: She owned him and everything he was and everything he shall be, from the monster in the void to the man in the skin.

He was hers.

Aaaaand then the emotional celebration came to a crashing halt as he realized what they'd just done… without any form of protection. The panic drove him to close off the connection, making Rey confused.

"Are… are you okay?" she stammered. "I know I probably wasn't as good as the other women you've been with–"

"I came in you," he stated, eyes becoming wide.

"What are–" Rey paused as she understood what he was getting at. "Oh. Ooooooh." She chuckled while lightly sweeping back his hair. "It doesn't matter because I can't get pregnant."

"What?"

"Yeah." Rey shrugged. "I've only had my period a handful of times throughout my life and even I know that's not a good sign. Last time I had my period was, like, over a year ago."

 _But… that's not possible. The vision… on Ahch-To…_ "You… you can't get pregnant?"

"Nope." Rey misread Ren's remote expression as disappointment. "Uh, I'm sorry if you were hoping I could. I wish I could have children and maybe there is a chance I can… I don't know. I – I don't want you to think less of me because–"

He stopped her right there. "You think I want children?"

Her brows went up and bunched together. "Maybe? I'm finding it hard to read your expression right now."

With a sigh, he slid out of her and sat back on his knees, calling his tossed aside shirt into his grasp.

"I'm not interested in having kids," he murmured as he wiped Rey clean, all the while feeling her studious eyes upon his face. "Trust me. I'm about as nurturing as a blaster."

"I think you'd be a great father."

That statement gutted him, even though that wasn't Rey's intention.

Ren hung his head, putting all his attention on wiping himself as he grew grim. He didn't know what to say to her. Obviously he disagreed, but he didn't want to offend her by saying she was wrong on so many levels.

"If it makes you feel better, I can go see Dr. Kalonia in the morning and get a contraceptive," she said, attempting to change the subject.

He nodded, but didn't look at her. "Yeah, that's a good idea."

Rey sat up on her knees and inched forward. Interlacing her fingers behind his neck, their eyes met. "Can you hold me now? Please?" she tenderly asked.

Bringing him with her, she shuffled back and laid them down, his big hands stroking over her back. With her wrapped tightly in his arms, everything seemed perfect, even though his thoughts were still reeling – "Wait," Ren said, his fingers pausing against her silky skin. "Did you say something about me being with other women?"

Rey's head tilted up as he gazed down at her timid eyes. "Y-yes. I was trying to say that I know I'm not as experienced as the other women you've been with, but for me, the whole experience was perfect. Especially since it was with you."

"You think I've had sex before?" Surely he told her about his inexperience. It had to have come up at some point… and then it dawned on him that it never had.

"Haven't you? You seemed to know what you were doing–"

"I'm a virgin," he admitted quickly. "Or was. My first time was with you."

Rey looked back with a fair amount of surprise before eyeing him intently. "If – If you're lying to me to make me feel better–"

"I'm not." With his arms still wrapped around her, he rolled onto his back, bringing her on top of him before quickly giving her a kiss. "I've never been with anyone before you."

She traced his collarbone with her fingers, trying to figure out how that was possible. "But… you're thirty and you've been with the First Order and you've traveled the galaxy and–"

"I was a Jedi, remember? Sexual relations were frowned upon."

"But… you fell to the Dark side…."

His palms roamed up and down her sides, gliding over the curves of her ribs. "While the Dark side encourages you not to bridle your passions, I had different ideas. I wanted to rid myself of emotion, and having sex would hardly help in that matter. It would make it worse, actually." Because he always knew he had problems with attachments… and affection.

"Oh." Rey paused. "You don't regret–"

"No," he interrupted, shaking his head. "Never. This? This was perfect."

This was the first time in his whole existence that he ever felt… blessed. Happy. Fortunate. This moment, this perfect, sublime moment in time where he was flat on his back, Rey laying on top of him, both of them without the barrier of clothing… this was a gift.

Resting her temple on his sternum, she basically dissolved into him and whispered, "This whole time I thought you'd been with someone before me. But I'm so happy I was your first. Sounds kinda selfish, but… I don't want to share you with anyone."

"Sounds like someone was jealous," he jabbed at her playfully.

"Oh, I was. I'll admit." Rey laughed. "I so totally was."

He knew that it was inconsiderate to be glad over her being jealous, but feelings could rarely be controlled. "Well, you'll never have to feel that way again, because I will always be yours."

Thinking back to the first time Ren ever saw her, he had wanted her completely to himself. When one of the stormtroopers had offered to take the girl for him, he refused so harshly that no one dared to speak to him the remainder of the flight back to base. Even after Rey saw into his fears, her untrained power had chained him sure as if every ounce of her strength had come with steel links.

The more she challenged him, the stronger the hooks became.

And then after the fight on Starkiller? He became so extremely territorial that he'd scaled extreme lengths to try and rid the feeling, but in the end, he epically failed. And he was glad he did. Of course, at the time, he hadn't planned on her being the love of his life, but fate had other ideas.

Thank the Force she was willing to have him. For once, something had worked in his favor.

Grinning so wide his cheeks about split into two, Ren whispered into her hair, "And I want you to know… I'll always trust you." Truly, after everything that had happened in his life, Rey was the only person he could rely upon.

And he wanted her to know it.

She lifted her head and gave him a quick kiss before nuzzling further against his chest, muttering, "I love you, too."

During the night, they continuously lost themselves in each other, but they found themselves there, too. They were two deprived souls finding comfort together, binding their individual heartstrings as one until separation now became impossible. Maybe the reason they were brought together wasn't just to rid the galaxy of his former master; maybe Rey needed someone to show her how to love, and he needed someone to show him how to live.

**()()()()()**

Rey gently swung her legs back and forth as she sat on the examination table, waiting for Dr. Kalonia to come back with the test results. Initially, Rey came here thinking she was just getting a simple contraceptive, but after the doctor suggested that they should check on her fertility, the appointment became much longer.

And when Ben agreed she should get it done, Rey had little to no voice in the matter. But she didn't really mind. The view was good from where she was sitting. Ben was seated in the plush chair in the corner, his nose basically sniffing that book of his. _On the Motion of the Heart and Blood in Chagrians_ , she read the title to herself. Such information did not hold her interest, but it sure did hold Ben's.

 _He really is studious_ … and she loved it.

Studying his strong frame, she recalled how she had fallen asleep on his chest, listening to the soft rhythm of his beating heart. Everything about last night had been a wonderful gift, one she never thought she'd get to experience. There were no boundaries separating them anymore, which felt so freeing and exotic… and different.

Everything seemed so much different now, like their relationship somehow shifted over into being more effortless than before. No longer trying to hide his need for her, she had woken up to Ben's huge body pushing into her, a hard, warm length against her hip. He'd never woken her up like that before, but she didn't mind it in the slightest. Being wanted was such a comforting feeling.

After some fondling in bed, they lounged together for a bit, talking about anything and everything.

_Lying on her stomach, weight on her arms, Rey lifted her torso as she gazed up at Ben. Hand cradling his head, he lounged on his side, trailing his fingers up and down her spine lazily. "You know, I've been thinking that maybe you should try talking to Jess?" she brought up randomly._

_His caressing faltered for a moment before picking back up. "I don't know…"_

" _I think she's going through a tough time. Maybe you two talking could help her," Rey advised, watching as his brows lowered over his eyes._

" _Has she told you this?"_

_She shook her head, her hair gliding over the sheets. "No, the few times I've seen her in our room she didn't talk to me. She basically ignored that I existed." Rey glanced down at her hands and started to pick at her nails. "I'm thinking maybe I should find a new roommate or–"_

" _Move in here."_

_Her surprised stare shot up to his. "What?"_

_Ben's palm remained quiet on her back as he shrugged. "Well, I mean, you pretty much live here anyways."_

Oh my goodness. He's serious _. "Wouldn't we get in trouble?"_

" _By who? You're a part of the Jedi Order and don't necessarily answer to the Resistance."_

" _What about you?"_

_He gave her a flat stare, showing her he really didn't care about any repercussions. "I doubt they'd punish me over it. And technically, I still answer to Skywalker since I was a Jedi Master. But if you don't feel comfortable–"_

" _Yes."_

_He slid closer, smiling. "You sure?"_

" _Like you said, I basically live here. I can bring over my stuff after I have lunch with the general." Ben's smile faltered for a fraction of a second, but then he composed himself, making Rey wonder if what she saw really happened._

_Rey knew he wasn't excited over the plan of her having lunch with his mother. Admittedly, when she looked at her datapad upon waking, Rey had been quite surprised to see the invitation. His mother had wished to have lunch with them both, but Ben shot that down immediately, probably thinking that if he didn't go, she wouldn't either. But she was not going to refuse the invite, and even though she could sense that Ben wanted her to, she appreciated him keeping his mouth shut._

_Besides, how else was Rey to hear stories about his childhood? Ben certainly wasn't going to chat about it._

_Finally deciding to get ready for their day, they went into the refresher and Ben tugged her along into the shower._

And here she thought the shower was luxurious because of the water? Put two agile people in that cozy, steamy box and the experience went into the realm of being sumptuous.

Rey's stomach knotted from the memories of exploring Ben's–

"Stop that." Ben peered over his book, eyes narrowing.

"Stop what?"

Lowering the thick volume onto his lap, he said, "Your emotions are very obtrusive."

She put on an innocent front. "Oh, are they making you want me?"

…"Yes." 

Rey sensually smiled. "Then why are you still on the other side of the room?"

He was surprised by her frankness and glanced around the not-so-secretive setting. "We're in a medical facility. Someone could walk through that door at any moment–"

"Wouldn't you be able to sense them before they came in?" Rey playfully countered, taking way too much satisfaction in getting a reaction out of him.

Leaning forward, elbows to knees, his head dipped as he gazed at her sinfully. "Not if my senses are caught up in… someone else," his deep voice resonated through her spine.

"Mmmm, I'm willing to take the risk."

Ben rested back as he crossed his arms, a mischievous smile upturning his lips. "Looks like you've figured out how to be a tease."

The door slid open and Dr. Kalonia stepped in, a datapad and a white, steaming mug in her hands. Ben stood, shooting Rey an I-told-you-so as she responded with the most guiltless looking shrug she could conjure.

Her effort didn't quite make it.

"Okay," Harter greeted, putting her hot cup on the counter as Ben neared the examination table, his book left on the chair. "Is there anything I can get you two? Some caf, perhaps?"

Rey shook her head and Ben replied, "No, thank you." It was strange to see him use proper manners with someone other than her, but she knew Harter wasn't just anyone. "Caf doesn't agree with me," he tacked on.

Harter chuckled. "Does it still put you to sleep?"

"Caf makes you fall asleep?" Rey asked in shock. "Isn't it supposed to do the opposite?"

"For most people it does wake them up, but for some it has the opposite effect," Harter explained, gliding over a hoverstool so she could sit. "Sometimes it can cause an insulin response that dramatically lowers the blood sugar and cause one to feel exhausted. Or the body makes too much adenosine and prevents the caffeine from blocking it, making you more tired than you originally were." Rey decided not to ask what adenosine was and to play along like she just understood everything.

Ben would most likely jump at the opportunity to explain it to her later when she asked. And boy, was she gonna need to set aside an hour of her day just for that.

"The results aren't good, are they?" Ben asked. Harter was taken aback by his candor, as was Rey. "You're stalling, which you don't do unless there's something you don't want to say."

Dr. Kalonia breathed in deeply, glancing down at the datapad and then fixing her gaze on Rey. "Do you want him to be in here while I talk to you about this? You have a right to privacy."

Rey's stomach unwillingly fell, for she knew that grave expression never bestowed good news. "He can stay. I'd just end up telling him everything anyway." And whatever it was, she didn't want to repeat it. Or try to explain it to him. That would be like a botanist attempting to explain quantum mechanics to a scientist. Rey liked to think she was slightly above average intellectually, but this was Ben's playing field, not hers.

Harter nodded, pausing for a moment before dealing Rey a verbal blow. "I'm sorry Rey, but you most likely will never be able to have children."

Things became a little hazy after that as she looked over Harter's head at the white wall behind. There was no texture to the partition, just a smooth, pale surface that appeared to be brand new and spotless. How she wished she were faultless and young again – to be given the choice as to how she wanted her life to play out. Maybe she would have done something differently, like leave Jakku before her body became internally ruined. But even if she were sent back in time, she probably would have still stayed, waiting for ghosts.

 _Stars,_ she thought. _Jakku really did rob me of everything, didn't it._

At least Ben was still in the game, asking the good doctor questions. Vaguely, Rey heard words like 'malnutrition' and 'tissue deterioration' and 'low hormone levels' being thrown around. Honestly, she didn't care for the medical talk, because knowing didn't change anything. In this case, knowledge wasn't a cure.

Replaying her wasteful life, Rey almost laughed at her years of foolishness and naiveté, but then sobered as she thought over her diagnosis. _Infertile_. It was interesting; this feeling that bloomed out of her subconscious. Never had she really thought about children until she met Ben and even then, it wasn't constantly on her thoughts. But now that it was impossible, she truly felt like grieving. Guess you never knew how much you wanted something until you couldn't have it.

And if she ever wanted it, she couldn't think of anyone else she'd rather experience parenthood with but Ben.

"Rey?" Harter asked, bringing Rey out of her pensive thoughts. "Do you still want a contraceptive in your arm?"

Rey about laughed at what seemed like a joke, but she decided against such an approach since Kalonia was only looking at her with compassion. "No. I don't see the point anymore," she responded flatly.

She was expecting to be pushed further on the subject, especially from Ben. But neither him, nor Kalonia raised the issue. The two talked a little more about her condition before Harter stood and went for her caf on the counter. "I'll give you two some privacy. You can leave whenever you're ready," she said with a gentle smile, slipping out of the door quietly.

Feeling like she wanted to fall in on herself, Rey drew her legs up, wrapping her arms around her knees and lowering her chin. She seemed so fragile that way, just a twist of flesh and bone atop a wide examination table. Indeed, she felt like if she moved too quickly, she might break and be unable to be put back together.

Rey glanced over at Ben briefly, a quick cursory review of his knit brows and thinned out lips. He was deep in thought and appeared to be… disheartened? She wasn't sure and she figured that she should apologize–

His eyes snapped to hers. "Don't you dare apologize," he forcibly said as she went back to looking at the bland wall.

 _If I want to apologize, then I can damn well apologize! Stop telling me I can't_! she screamed through her thoughts. Rey couldn't tell if Ben heard them or not. She was tempted to voice them, but eased back. It wasn't him she was mad at, and it would be unfair to take the situation out on him.

Rey inhaled. "This… isn't fair," she simply stated. "I've never put much thought into having kids, but now that the option has been taken from me, I feel… heartbroken." She met his steady stare. "Weird, huh?"

He shook his head. "No, it's not weird. Not at all." Walking over to Kalonia's vacant stool, he sat before her, looking up with gentle care. "Listen, technology has come a long way over a thousand years, and there's always a chance that something could change this."

She hadn't been expecting him to try and offer a solution. "Would you want me to do that?"

"It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with what you want."

Rey smoothed her hair. Swiped under her eyes. Took a deep breath. "Would you ever want to have a child of your own?"

Clearing his throat, it looked as if he struggled to find the right words. "I, uh… like I said last night, I'm not very nurturing."

"I think you are, even if you don't. But I want a yes or no answer to the question."

"Honestly?" He searched her face. "No, I don't want children, but–"

"Then I guess this is a good thing then," she tersely cut him off. Ben caught on that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. Even though there were a lot of different emotions going through her, it was really good to have Ben here and to hear his honesty. It made the whole situation somewhat bearable.

Grabbing her shaky hands into his steady ones, he said, "Rey, I want you to know that you and I are a forever kind of thing. That's how I view it, anyway. I'm all in. No matter what happens. I want us to be together for however long we're alive."

"Together?"

Knowing of the future that was in store for her, she knew that her and Ben might not have forever. And didn't that just make her somber.

"Together," he whispered.


	45. Intentions are Blinding

Ren sat off to the side, occupying his usual spot against the wall of the training facility. He'd been sitting there for an hour, thinking over the vision he experienced on Ahch-To. At first, after hearing Rey's test results, he'd been confused as to if that possible future had been authentic, but then he recalled specific details:

" _You two didn't question when she missed her period?" Kalonia asked._

_More prying questions came his way that forced him to think harder, when all his body wanted to do was pass out from shock and exhaustion. "I– Well, Rey was so malnourished growing up that she has never been consistent. I just thought…" Ben's voice teetered off as the news finally sunk in, making his face glow with elation._

Fates, he remembered watching himself become so overjoyed by that news. That man had wanted children; that man had been happy about it. But what would he do if it actually happened? He wasn't that person in the vision. He never would be.

And when Rey refused the contraceptive, Ren had come close to arguing, but digressed. Was there a chance of her getting pregnant now? Possibly, but her actual life turned out differently than what had been shown to him in that vision. In that separate timeline, he found her years before she'd turned nineteen, and possibly before the damage of malnutrition became permanent.

Now, the impossibility of Rey ever conceiving children was definitive. Harter had been blunt as Rey had zoned out and Ren asked his questions.

Ren sighed, not knowing what to think. He should probably tell Rey about what he saw on Ahch-To… and while in the midst of confessing secrets, he should also come clean about her parents. When should he do that? After lunch? Before dinner? _No, late tonight_. There was bound to be some crying, yelling, and wailing once she accepted the truth. No need to have anyone witness that. He, on the other hand, would help her through it and not leave her to the impending anguish. And maybe, if she was up for it, they could make a plan to find the rest of the answers regarding her family.

He brought the thick book up to eye level, thinking about how heavy the text was. At least it wasn't as heavy as the weight he felt on his heart.

The next two hours of Rey's training went smoothly as Skywalker had her go back and forth between having her practice Force telekenetics, dueling, and various mind blocks. For substantial stretches of time, Ren would gaze over his book and watch Rey, considering her as she dodged the various objects Skywalker Force pushed her way. Lacking the curves most women wore, her powerfully lithe body looked beautiful to him, stirring parts of himself that were becoming greedy the more he stared.

Apparently, he wasn't the only one with the same ideas.

Rey was starting to draw a particular amount of soldiers as spectators – which just so happened to all be men. Not surprisingly, this brought out Ren's territorial feelings, causing him to lose focus on the book and Rey all together. Ren didn't have to hear their thoughts to know what circulated their inappropriate minds.

 _Welcome to the wonderful galaxy of jealousy. The price of admission is heightened hostility, the overwhelming urge to shatter bones, and an inferiority complex that will make you feel the size of a pea_. Ren froze even though he wasn't moving. Sarcasm was becoming an issue, as of late. Like Ben was making up for lost time and punishing him for keeping the guy on mute for the last six years.

_You think you're sarcastic? Try insane– because thinking of yourself as two different people isn't healthy._

Ren rolled his eyes.

Luckily for the group of ogling soldiers, they left before Ren's anger got to the stage of seeking reprisal. Trying to calm his annoyance and frustration with himself – not to mention his attraction to Rey – he went back to reading. Fortunately, focusing on the pathophysiology of Chagrians didn't take much effort since the material turned out to be way more engrossing than anticipated. He just couldn't get over the fact that their hearts had six chambers instead of the expected four.

Then again, it wasn't just the subject matter holding his attention. Studying always seemed to give him somewhere to go when he stayed right where he was.

Flipping through the pages, he discovered an in depth illustration and diagram of how the blood moved through –

The end of a long dueling cane pushed the book down. He glanced up to see Rey giving him a mischievous grin. "Care to duel?" she asked, holding out a second wooden stave.

"Don't you have another hour of training?" Ben searched around the facility, the ragged appearance of Skywalker eluding him.

In fact, they were completely alone.

"I'm done, and I was thinking with the little time before lunch, we could spar for a while." She poked him in the shoulder, reflexively making him grab onto the weapon. Rey grinned wider as he gave in, placing the book on the floor as he rose.

She motioned to the reading material. "You know you could read something else that doesn't have to do with anatomy, right?" They walked sided by side, heading over to the cushioned mats. "The chip is no longer in your arm."

Putting some distance between them, he shrugged as he said, "I enjoy reading on the subject."

As the dueling commenced, Ren stayed primarily on the defensive out of choice. He wanted to assess how Rey's fighting style had evolved since they last sparred, and he had to admit, she was leaps and bounds better. "Have you ever thought of what you'll do after this war is over?" Rey asked, panting lightly.

He shifted to the side, dodging her downward swing. "What do you mean?"

Their canes locked together, inches from his face. "Like whether or not you'd want to go to school and become a physician."

Ren laughed at the joke as he pivoted away and blocked Rey's strike at his knees. "Oh, I'm positively certain no one would ever want me as their doctor." If they did, they would need to be admitted to a mental institution.

"Maybe if you didn't look at everyone like you want them dead and actually smiled more often, more people would warm up to you." Rey lunged with a forward thrust, but Ren shifted, parried, and reached out to push her off balance. She stumbled, but didn't fully make it to the ground. Straightening, she shrugged and added, "Just a thought."

Looking at her stoic features, he realized she was being serious. "Smiling and being polite won't change what's in my history." Or DNA.

"Well, it's just a suggestion. You can think more about it when this war is no longer in the way."

Ren kept his parries short, tight and close, never letting his swing go wide. "Wouldn't we be making a decision like that together?"

"Maybe," she said offhandedly, backing off while circling him to find an opening.

"Maybe?" Ren echoed, watching her. "You have plans that don't involve me after all this is through?"

"Who knows if I'll survive." Rey darted, going in for a straightforward attack that was more his move than hers. But she quickly changed her trajectory, sliding onto her knees and striking him right across the back as he swung at open air. The pain made him proud of her trickery and flexibility, but was profoundly overshadowed by her statement.

"Survive?" He groaned as he limped away and turned.

Her elation over getting a hit on him flattened at seeing his confusion. "You know… against Snoke," she exhaled, like the answer had been obvious.

Ren resisted the urge to rub the throbbing in his lower back and quickly swiped the hair from his eyes. "Not this again…" he breathed out. "You're not fighting Snoke. Ever. Okay? It's not going to happen and it won't be needed." Catching her by surprise, Ren attacked, swinging his cane against the inside of hers. Advancing, his cane went vertical, wrapping around hers and with a quick jerk, she was disarmed. Ren called her staff into his left grip and faced her, watching as she glared at him.

With labored breathing, she asked, "So we just let him go on living?"

"Yes."

Rey huffed. "Having him out there would be too much of a–"

"And what do you think he would do?" Ren interrupted. "Say the Resistance does win and maybe dissolves what's left of the First Order into the Republic. What are Snoke's remaining options? He'd have no army and only a small amount of people left that are loyal to him. After a few decades, he'll die on his own."

Rey went to retrieve the staff, but Ren stepped back and held it out of reach. "You think a monster like that would just up and let himself die?"

"He wouldn't have much of a choice if he never finds me, now would he?"

"But Kayani–"

"–has her own agenda and probably isn't telling you everything. Has she even provided you with a plan? And telling you she can kill him does not count."

For a moment, Rey frowned. "…No."

"And that is why you should be dubious of her. If she needs you so badly, why leave you in the dark when it comes to important details?"

She shook her head over and over again. "I – I don't know, okay? But… she's never lied to me. And I would prefer this war to be over sooner rather than later so more innocent people don't end up dead. If she's the way I can make that happen, then I'm willing to take the risk."

Ren kept eye contact as he inwardly staggered from her declaration. He knew she cared about the galaxy, but he didn't know it had crossed over into sincere foolishness.

 _Is there something in the water that makes everyone on base lack self-preservation?_ "Rey, you will die if you go up against Snoke," he stated factually, his voice harshly even.

"Lets just…" she cleared her throat and got close to him, placing a hand on his chest and looking up into his concerned eyes. "Can we pretend we didn't have this conversation so we don't end up getting mad at each other? Please? I don't want to get in a fight over this."

But he wasn't going to let this go. "I worry when you talk about fighting Snoke, because if you do, I'll lose you. And… I just found you."

She swept a strand of hair from his cheek and then traced the scar from the bridge of his nose to the curve of his neck. "Ben, even if something happens to me, you'll always have me."

Ren thought over her statement before saying, "It's ironic you say that when you struggle over the prospect of me leaving you."

Rey blinked. "This is different."

"How so?"

"You decided to leave me."

Ren's forehead creased. "And you aren't choosing to leave me? Death is the most final goodbye one could get."

She poked his chest. "You died and I brought you back."

He gave her a flat stare. "I have a feeling that that was a one time thing. All power has its limits. Mine, and even yours. Do you have a death wish?"

"No. Of course not."

"Then you shouldn't speak so flippantly about your mortality."

Rey took a deep breath. "Everyone's life eventually ends, Ben. I got used to waking up every morning on Jakku, thinking that day might just be my last. I've seen how… fragile living could be. I won't shy away from what I know must be done."

Gazing at her, he was reminded that even though she was ten years his junior, in many ways, she was decades older. And braver. "Sometimes…" Ren whispered timidly. "Sometimes I think of what might be ahead and I become… afraid," he admitted, letting the dueling canes fall to the mats so he could take her hand into his. "And I don't understand how you aren't?"

"You think I'm not scared? I'm terrified. But all my life I've felt like my purpose has been so much larger than just merely existing. So to finally see that, to realize it, it's calming... in a way." She gave his hands a squeeze. "And when you say you're afraid of what lies ahead, I don't think it's the future that necessarily makes you scared; it's repeating the past that makes you anxious. But Ben, you won't, because I won't let you." She paused as she coyly smiled. "And you know you always let me get my way."

Some of the tension melted away as Rey teased, and he allowed himself to smile back at her. There was still plenty of time to try and make her see the error of her thoughts, and with how well their relationship seemed to be going, he didn't feel up to getting in an argument with her right now – especially over beliefs and opinions.

"I should stop spoiling you so much," he lightly joked, trying to catch a ride on the moment. "You'll start developing my superiority complex."

She went on her tiptoes and gave him a kiss that lasted oh-so-deliciously long. "If I do, it'll only be with you."

Burrowing into his chest, Ren wrapped his arms around her, holding and memorizing the feel of her against him. He wasn't going to lose her and she was crazy to think that he would ever let her go up against Snoke. He'll give her some time to see reason, but if she didn't, he was fully prepared to lock her in a room for the rest of her life. Better alternative than her dying.

Getting back to the realm of reality, they went about putting away the dueling equipment and went back for his book. Rey snatched it off the floor before Ren could grab it.

"I can drop this by the room," Rey suggested. "I still have time before I have to go see the general. I think I'll move my stuff now while I have the chance."

"Need help?"

"Nah. Go get some food and then we can meet back here after lunch." Walking out of the facility, she pulled him in for a swift peck on the lips, not caring about prying eyes. Saying their goodbyes, they parted.

"By the way," Ren called out to her from down the hall, making her turn around. "I won that duel." He smiled before continuing to walk, feeling Rey's competitive glare on his back.

()()()()()

Rey entered Ben's room – well, now their room – and placed her small bag of belongings on the bed. Some clothes, extra pair of boots, snacks, and personal hygiene products were all that was in there, reminding her that she didn't have much to her name. She wondered how much money Ben received from his inheritance and if he would be willing to lend her some. Of course, she would make some sort of contract to pay it all back. She wasn't a – what's the word? Moocher? Gold-digger? Beggar? Well whatever the term was, she wanted to strive to have some sense of integrity. Hopefully Ben viewed it that way as well.

Deciding to start with the refresher, she went through the cabinet and drawers and saw that everything was so perfectly in place that she was afraid to even touch Ben's belongings. So she opted to use an unoccupied drawer and dumped all the loose possessions. She would have to warn him against peeking inside unless he wanted to have a fit over the disorganized chaos. And to be honest, Rey was never going to take the time to arrange it all. It would just get all cluttered again anyway.

Rifling through her clothes, she hung the ones that mattered on the side where she kept her staffs, and shoved the ones that didn't into a drawer that already housed her journal, doll, and her new stash of food. Opening the ones below, she saw that Ben's clothes were only taking up two out of the six drawers, giving her more than enough options to choose from. As she carefully opened the top one, she found a good amount of his black, tight boxer briefs and couldn't stop her hands from taking one out. As she unfolded it – which was ridiculous, really, because who folds undergarments? – Rey held them up and gave them a good stare.

It was nothing remarkable, but Ben wore these and being able to sneakily hold it made her feel lively for some unknown reason. Maybe it was because she was kind of violating his privacy, but part of her was pretty sure he wouldn't care… as long as she put everything back exactly how she found it.

Studying the other folded garments, she was able to fold the free one in the exact same way and quietly place it back with the others. She didn't know why she was being so hush-hush about it all. It wasn't like Ben could hear what she was doing.

As the drawer closed, she eyed his still packed duffle on the floor between the closet and dresser. Glaring at the inanimate piece of leather, she bent down and unzipped, opening it wide. One by one, she fished out the articles of clothes and put them away while adhering to Ben's standard of neatness. Nearing the bottom, her hand came in contact with something hard… _A datapad?_ She wondered who he stole it from, because he wasn't allowed to be in possession of such tech.

_Why would he even need one?_

A part of her mind started to conjure up thoughts of betrayal – that maybe Ben was in contact with the First Order. Why else would he not tell her about the datapad? Turning it on, she sat on the bed and rifled through the various files. Nothing stuck out to her, and from the numerous mechanical texts and manuals in storage, Ben must have stolen it from a person who worked in engineering.

_Great. Now I'll have to find whomever this belongs to and return it–_

Rey's fingers hovered above the most recently opened file, sensing that it was somehow important. She tapped on the screen… and played the video.

…

…She recognized the woman... her mother... from her vision.

…

She made it as far as witnessing her mother and potential father being murdered. And how Major Ematt did little to stop it. Even though the man had been far younger in the video, she recognized his face immediately.

Teetering, the pad fell from her hands. She didn't hear it hit the ground as a great wave of nausea overtook her. Scrambling to the refresher, Rey fell to her knees, clutching the toilet seat with trembling hands, and violently and noisily vomited.

Dead.

Her parents were truly, irreversibly dead. All those times she wished that they were no longer alive came back to haunt her, for now she wanted to take it all back. In this hollowed out moment, she would rather have them be alive, even if it meant they abandoned her. Then she would maybe have the chance to find them, to show them how she was on the path of becoming a Jedi. Maybe they would be proud of her. Maybe they would accept her back into the family….

She retched again, her body rebelling against the ghastly proof that her parents no longer existed, and wrung her out till she had nothing left inside to give.

The gasping and shaking, the widened eyes, the agony that twisted her gut into slag… everything became so crystal-clear that her eyes, ears, skin, every nerve ending that resided in her lean body ached like she was suffering from a fever. The pain transcended human comprehension, and the memory of such torment would no doubt stain her brain forever.

Memories came to her, but in the shape of feelings rather than pictures.

Every day on Jakku had revolved around repetition and discipline. Without it, she would've starved. She never truly realized how lonely she was until the end of each day when she had a bunch of things to talk about… and no one to tell them to. Rey had grown accustomed to the starvation, the injuries, the thirst, the fights and sneers from others. But the one thing she couldn't shake was that being alone didn't just give way to loneliness, but made her live with the feeling that no one cared.

No one.

And she lived that way for fifteen years.

Because of the Republic.

Because of Ematt.

And Ben had kept this from her. _Lies again. It was all lies._ Rey fortified her mental barrier, hoping that Ben didn't feel what she was going through. She didn't want him to come looking for her.

Her sobs receded, her trembling becoming nothing more than little twitches as she silently sat on the refresher floor, thinking over her options. It was as if her soul had been flushed from her body, everything that had animated her and connected her to this existence now gone.

Left in its wake was a rage filled vengeance that gave her a calming clarity and a decisive mind – a kind of focus she'd never experienced before, but found to be inviting.

And powerful.

()()()()()

A scorching fire suddenly erupted through Ren's chest, halting his breath and making him list off to the side of the hall. Stopping, he clutched his sternum as if his palm could cool the blaze, but it did nothing to alleviate the pain. Such disparaging anguish and anger, the likes in which he hadn't felt in a long while. _What's happening?_ But just as fast as the feelings arrival, it vanished, leaving him cold and confused.

"Are you okay?" Ren pivoted around to see a questioning Harter, now in her usual military garb. "You stopped so sudden–"

"I'm fine," he interrupted, still trying to hone in on the wave of despair he was so sure he'd felt. Where did it go?

"Okay. Well… if you or Rey need anything, you know where to find me."

He nodded. Kalonia gave him a soft smile and continued on her way.

"Harter?" Ren said in a much softer tone. She stopped and glanced back at him before turning all the way around. Putting the unusual feelings aside for a moment, he decided he should make good use out of the doctors sudden company.

Ren wasn't confidant in what he was about to ask, but after talking with Rey earlier, he found his mind starting to be bombarded with a hope that he knew was futile. And he needed someone else to objectively agree with him. "I– I was wondering something… and it sounds ridiculous, I know, but I don't know… I just want to see if… Maybe it's not possible, after everything–"

"Are you trying to ask me something?" she asked, raising a brow.

"Uhhhhh, yes," he said, rubbing the back of his neck, feeling embarrassed with how much he was stumbling over his words. "Say this war does find a conclusion and somehow the Resistance pulls off the impossible… Do you – do you think there would be any possibility, even if it is small, that I could maybe… go back to school? I know it's ridiculous–"

As Harter's stare deepened, her face took on a picture of conviction. "I don't think it's ridiculous. You had big dreams while growing up and I'd be shocked if you didn't keep holding onto them."

Ren frowned. "Soooo… is that all it will ever be? A dream?" It was a small dream, but it was a dream, nonetheless.

Harter opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. "I know you've always detested lying or anything less than being candid, so I'm going to be honest: It would be close to impossible for you to be accepted into any program, let alone a university just for the sake of taking some classes," she whispered, making sure the passerby's couldn't eavesdrop. "When applying, you'd have to use your legal name and the galaxy now knows who you are."

Read: his name was now a representation of all the evil in the galaxy and he would always be viewed as a monster.

The worst part? He totally understood the reasoning.

"In my opinion," Harter continued, "I think they'd be doing the galaxy a disservice by denying you the education you want." Ren glanced at the throng of people going about their business, while not really knowing the gracious method in which to receive sympathy. "You would've been a great doctor, and I don't just mean that because you're incredibly talented and smart. You're heart always seemed to be in it when you were younger."

"I've never been one to show compassion," he pointed out.

"Ah. I think you're looking at that term rather rigidly. It's not a relationship based on pity or salvation, but one between equals. I think you're more than qualified to empathize with others – more so now than when you were younger."

Ren gave her a confused stare. "That… doesn't make much sense."

"But I think it does. You know your own darkness so well that you can be present during the darkness of others. People don't need compassion when everything is going right; they need it when they hit bottom."

Ren… never viewed it that way. And he slowly realized she had a very good line of reasoning.

"Do you mind if I ask how you're doing emotionally?"

Ren reflexively recoiled from the word. "Emotionally?" As his scarred face grew unbearably tight and his arms crossed over his chest, Harter openly studied his response, but didn't change the topic.

"Guilt can ruin even the strongest of wills," she stated. At this point, Ren was tempted to walk away. Unlike the psych eval, he was talking with the doctor out of his own free will.

"You know," Harter persisted. "I think the worst kind of punishment is never actually receiving one, but having to live with yourself when you know you truly deserve retribution. In a way, you have to figure out how to enact justice upon yourself."

Ren dropped his eyes, casting them upon his boots. He could feel himself on the verge of becoming emotional, which was so unlike him. Something was amplifying those feelings and he couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was.

"Can I tell you something I haven't told anyone else?" she asked.

He nodded, lifting his gaze.

"In my will, I left you everything that remains of my practice." She laughed lightly before adding, "Which isn't much at this point, but it's something."

Ren didn't hide his shock. "You did?"

Eyes growing sober, she said, "With my family gone and with how much time you spent with me while growing up, it seemed like that was the way it should be. Even if I knew you'd never take it."

For a moment, Ren became utterly dumbfounded. So much so, that his voice shuddered from trying to compose himself. "I guess I can see why you added that in when I was young–"

"I put it in four years ago."

Her words cut through his consciousness like a knife. Or maybe it was more from something that caused blunt force trauma, because the air forcibly left his lungs. He opened his mouth, not sure as to what words would come tumbling out.

But then he abruptly stiffened as he sensed… something familiar.

Later, he would wonder what exactly made him turn around, leaving a perplexed Harter behind as he ran through the halls that lead exactly to his room. Not a sound, no. Or a flash of movement. Or anything of outward significance. It was a rash of darkness permeating through the air, the kind that consumed and killed without reluctance, the kind that was within him, but wasn't being caused by him.

The feeling started off so small and irrelevant, but as he bulldozed into his quarters, the place reeked of evil undertones that suffocated even him. Something had happened here, like an action or a thought. Reaching out to Rey, he was met by a solid fortress, one that would take a high amount of concentrated power to get through. Locating her would be extremely tricky with how well she was blocking him, so he would have–

His eyes locked on his nearly empty duffel. Walking and leaning down, he grabbed the bag and eyed the inside. Rey must have started to unpack his belongings, probably because seeing it full brought up the feeling that he might bolt at a moments notice. Which wasn't going to–

_The datapad._

The luggage slid from his hold and hit the floor as he stared wide-eyed at the wall. His skin prickled and his heart pounded so deep that it basically took up residence inside his skull, causing him to panic. Wheeling around, he ghosted out of the room at a sprint that made him feel like he was flying. There was no time to yell for people to move out of the way or to apologize for hauling right over them – like he would, though – or to second guess where he was headed.

Ren knew where Rey would be at this exact moment. She was out for revenge, and at this time of day, she would find it at Major Ematt's new office.

()()()()()

Poe sat in the mess hall, languidly pushing what was left of his food around with his fork. Everyone around him – Snap, Joph, Nien, Finn – were having their own conversations, sometimes getting boisterous to the point of a migraine. Poe chimed in every once in a while, but mostly kept to himself. Usually, he was the life of the party, and he knew the others noticed how he'd been acting off lately. Gratefully, no one sought out an explanation. The only person who knew all the details was Finn, because as it turned out, Poe had needed to talk everything over with another human being.

Finn nudged him. "You okay, man?"

"Uh-huh," Poe replied, keeping his eyes on the food mashing below.

Finn elbowed him harder. "Jess just came in." Poe didn't even glance at the entrance, because this was honestly nothing new. They all ate in the same area and he was starting to feel pathetic every time Jess walked in a room and his eyes watched her intently. Too intently. Way too intently to where he was feeling like he'd been given a personality transplant. He never watched a woman in such an obsessive manner. But Jess wasn't just any woman. She just so happened to be one of his most trusted–

Finn all but pushed him off the bench with how hard he jolted him. "Man, she's looking at you," he whispered harshly. To that, Poe craned his head up, looked past an animated Joph and met her stare head on. She wasn't getting food, wasn't glancing around, wasn't paying attention to anyone else: she was staring right at him, still at the entrance, unmoving.

Poe didn't know what the stare down meant, but was given a clue when she nodded for him to come over. "Why is she–"

This time, Finn _did_ push him off the bench, forcing him to scramble onto his feet and straighten his jacket. "Just go already. Don't ask questions," Finn ordered.

"Right," Poe breathed out, slicking back his hair. Winding through the tables, Jess didn't attempt to dart away from his approach, which was a relief.

"Hey," he said as he stopped before her.

She shifted her weight between legs, looking nervous. "Hey." Awkward silence ensued, making them both glance around. Poe cleared his throat, even though he didn't know what to say.

"I was wanting to talk to you," Jess finally cut in.

"Should we find somewhere more private?" Poe suggested, motioning for them to leave the mess hall. Soldiers were still trickling in and just because they were off to the side, didn't mean they wouldn't be overheard.

"It won't take long." Poe's heart fell. Guess hoping to get in a good conversation with her was asking too much. Jess crossed her arms as she said, "You've probably heard that I asked for a transfer."

"That's a mistake," Poe said with authority, taking a step forward.

Jess nodded. "I agree and that's why I withdrew the request."

Okay… he wasn't expecting her to admit to her rashness. "What? Really?" 

Jess laughed, which eased the tension from her tight shoulders. "We've worked together for far too long and have been through so many missions together, that we've built a trust I've grown comfortable with. So I want to stay… if that's okay."

"Are you kidding? I never wanted you to leave! I feel the same way about the whole trust thing as you do."

"Good. That's… good," she said, grinning.

Poe hated being a pessimist, but he had to wonder whether the reconciliation was permanent or not. "You still going to ignore me forever? Because that might be a problem if we're to work together."

Jess rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not going to ignore you and I had no intention of keeping it up forever." Idly, she shuffled her foot back and forth, glancing down. "I just… needed some space to think. Honestly, I was quite humiliated with how I acted in front of you… and what I said."

As much as he wanted to talk about _that_ , he decided for her sake he wouldn't bring it up. For now. "I get it, but I never judged you for it."

"Thanks," she whispered. "I appreciate that."

"I understand why you couldn't help but fall for this." Well, maybe just a little teasing wouldn't hurt.

"Always the charmer, aren't you?" Jess dryly stated.

Poe whipped out his usual dashing grin, feeling like this exchange hearkened back to the old days. "Can't stop my nature."

Jess chuckled and then the moment fell into a long pause with her looking away and him looking at her. With his acute pilot eyes, Poe could see an eyelash on the arch of her cheek, threatening to leap into her eye and become a nuisance. He raised his hand, but stopped. Curling his palm into a fist, he lowered it back down, knowing that swiping at her cheek would be misinterpreted. Given her feelings, the gesture would be cruel.

But man, he really wanted to get that eyelash off her face… or did he really just want to touch her?

"Look," he said, getting serious. "I'm sorry for never noticing how you–"

"Let's just forget about that, alright? I want to go back to how things were before this whole mess."

Poe nodded casually, while searching for a change in subject. "You, uh, run into Kylo Ren lately?"

_Really? You try to change the topic and you bring him up?_

Luckily Jess didn't seem to be offended by the question. "No. Have you?"

"Here and there. I was thinking… if you ever wanted to talk to him about–"

Alarms blasted throughout the large eating area, red lights flashing a threatening warning. Poe and Jess sprung into action, immediately sprinting to the hangar that housed their X-wings. Everyone was running for their readying positions, all of them thinking that the First Order had finally found the base. But once Jess and Poe made it to their destination, they froze, glancing around the decimated area in awe and shock.

Ships were on their sides and crushed against the walls as sparks showered down onto the concrete. Dozens of soldiers littered the floor, moaning from their injuries. A destructive force had come through the hangar, like a freak tornado had somehow formed inside and wreaked a colossal amount of damage.

Off to his left, Poe saw Skywalker enter from another entrance, surveying the scene with calculating eyes. In one sharp motion, the man wheeled around and exited back from where he came with a youthful sprint that was impressive for his age. Poe followed, catching glimpses of the Jedi Master's robes as he rounded corner after corner.

_Why is he going this way? It leads right to–_

Poe skidded to a halt in front of Major Ematt's office, not knowing how to process what he was looking at. Ren was out cold on the floor, pale and shallowly breathing. With eyes closed, Skywalker had his hands placed on his nephew's temples, probably doing something with the Force to try and help him to wake. But Poe didn't keep his focus on those two for long.

Bodies were splayed unconscious across the floor, all of them thankfully breathing as Poe made a quick check. Stumbling upon Major Ematt's critically looking form, he knelt and searched for a pulse on the man's unnaturally twisted neck. Miraculously, he found one below the swollen bruising.

Poe called for aid on his comlink, and then just sat by the man, because he was powerless to do anything else. Moving or touching Ematt could very well worsen his already grave condition.

"What happened here?" Poe breathed out, glancing over at Skywalker. The Jedi's jaw was hard set, his eyes searing into Ren like he was trying to see something beyond simple appearances.

"I'm not sure," Luke replied, meeting Poe's worried stare. "But I can't wake Ben. And–" A med team and a very winded Finn arrived, cutting Skywalker off.

"Rey is gone," Finn blurted out as Poe stood to make room for the medical personnel.

"What do you mean she's gone?"

"I mean she was the one who blew up the hangar, stole a ship, and then left!" Finn announced, exasperated.

Poe's heart pounded so hard, he started to get a headache from the pressure. He pulled at his hair as he yelled, "What the hell is going on?!" The question was aimed not too kindly at the Jedi Master, because who else would know? By the way Skywalker's expression turned stoic, Poe could tell the man had more answers than he was currently divulging.

And for once in his demented life, Ren was currently taking a nap and useless, so interrogating him was on hold.

_Fucking perfect._


	46. Liar

_Stiffly, Rey walked the long corridors, trying not to pay heed to the few people passing by. She failed. None of these soldiers knew what kind of organization they truly worked for: a government that murdered their own citizens out of fear. All these men and women disgusted her, all of them naive to the fact that the New Republic was just as vile as the First Order – the Republic was just more secretive about it._

_Almost to her destination, Rey pondered over the depth she was willing to sink to get her revenge. Such a place, she quipped, probably didn't have a bottom. Therefore, she could go as far as she wished._

_Focus was what drove her to the durasteel door, the Force is what opened the way._

_She hadn't been sure Major Ematt would be here during the middle of the day, but as her eyes spotted his feathery hair and large face, she drank in the malicious poison, letting it go straight to her heart. Initiating the entryway closed, she kept it locked with her mind, preventing others from entering._

_No one turned to examine her presence, which irked her. Even as the apprentice of Luke Skywalker, others still had the propensity to treat her like she was a nobody._

_Rey hadn't been prepared to see so many assistants and soldiers in the room, but she remedied the problem rather quickly. Bodies dropped at her command, the ease in which she took them all out at once surprising even her. One remained standing, though, and as he went for a comlink on the table, Rey Force pushed him into the far wall, dazing him. The strength that lifted her was welcoming and feral._

_Rey gave the old man a moment to gather his faculties. She wanted him lucid for this next part._

_Groaning, Ematt unsteadily got to his feet, breathing hard as he watched Rey approach him slowly. She stilled him. As he realized he could no longer move, his eyes widened, showing the red and white of his bloodshot corneas._

" _Tell me," Rey said, sliding the datapad from her satchel. "Do you recognize this recording?" She shoved the sleek tech in his face and watched as his expression turned from fear to dread. Listening to the video a second time, Rey couldn't stop the tears from trailing down her cheeks. She ate in the suffering to give her more focus._

" _That woman was my mother," Rey hissed when the video ended. "And I believe the man who tried to get her free was my father. Is he?"_

" _You're Reyna…" he muttered, looking at her like she was something out of his nightmares. His comment unbalanced her briefly, because she didn't think this man would remember anything about her family, let alone her._

" _The man in the video," she enunciated harder. "Is he Jacen?"_ _Ematt didn't immediately speak. "Answer me!"_

_Ematt closed his eyes and mumbled, "Yes. He's Maridia's husband."_

_My father..._ " _You killed them."_

_His lids snapped open. "No! I tried to stop the guards from firing, but Jacen was overpowering them. He forced my men to defend themselves."_

_Rey tapped the datapad, annoyed. "It didn't look like he had a weapon."_

" _He was very skilled without one. He killed five of my men getting to Maridia."_

_Rey tilted her head. "Am I supposed to care about that?"_

_He blinked harshly, the strain in his neck evidence of how hard the man was fighting against the hold. Of course, it was all futile._

_Ematt spoke slowly. "What happened to your parents was a horrible accident and–"_

" _Accident?" Rey stepped back, astonished by the man's word choice. "Do you know what my life has been like since their deaths?" He remained quiet. "Do you!?"_

_Ematt flinched and licked his lips. "You… you were a scavenger on Jakku for many years."_

_She nodded and started pacing in front of the pathetic statue, her eyes bouncing along the table to the many consoles, and then back to her target. "Fifteen years. Everyday, I survived on the hope that my family would return to get me. But they never did. My youth was taken from me and with it, my ability to even have children." Ematt frowned, so she clarified. "Apparently, severe malnutrition can really ruin ones chances at having a family."_

" _I'm sorry," he mumbled. "Please–"_

" _You want mercy?" she asked, legs pausing so she could get a good, fiery stare at him. The heat from under her skin was so hot, it boiled her sweat, causing her to be surrounded by her own humidity. "I don't recall you showing my parents any."_

" _I never forgot about that day," he explained with trepidation, voice cracking. "It has haunted me knowing that you were out there in the galaxy somewhere, waiting for a mother and a father that wouldn't return."_

_Rey's icy eyes lit up with pure violence as she tried to control her shaking fists. "It must not have haunted you too much since you never tried to locate me. From the looks of it, this whole failure of an operation was swept under the rug. Probably out of embarrassment. Isn't that right?" His silence was laced with the answers she didn't want to hear. "And then I was forgotten."_

" _Please, I–" Banging abruptly came from the door as Ben called out to her to let him inside. Ematt opened his mouth to scream for help, but she viciously squeezed his throat shut before the air had a chance to escape his lungs. Face turning red, capillaries popping under his skin, Rey watched him suffer, which inadvertently caused her to suffer as well._

_Force, this hurt. And it was painful in the weirdest, most satisfying way. The feeling was cold; it was a cold emptiness in the center of her chest. But somehow, this ache pushed her forward, giving her the resolve to keep going. If she could just finish what she came here to do, then she would be whole, then she could be relieved.  
_

" _Rey, open the door," Ben's muffled voice pleaded. "I know you're in there." But she didn't reply. The energy flowing through her urged her to squeeze harder, to watch as this man died from the vengeance that was so rightfully hers._

_Power was a new sensation. Power was a good sensation._

_The booming at the door vibrated her bones, making her glance over her shoulder to see dents in the hard, metal barrier. Of course, Ben was ruining this moment by trying to punch down the door. He had to have broken his hand from such an overly dramatic performance, but the agony didn't seem to stop him._

He'd tough guy it though _, she thought._

_Releasing Ematt's windpipe, he gasped for air, coughing and partly sobbing in the process. "Should I let him in? Do you think he'll try to save you?" she asked derisively. Ematt's attention was more focused on breathing than answering her._

_Rey became intrigued by the possibilities of what Ben might try to do. Seeing how he was the one to help set her on this path, why not have him watch._

_Releasing the lock, the door slid open, allowing Ben to stride in. He kept a good distance away, his eyes bouncing between her and her prey. By the look of his tousled hair, sweaty sheen, and labored breath, he'd sprinted here as soon as he felt what Rey was up to. That damn bond was so inconvenient… or was it? The rage over Ben lying to her again didn't quite meet what she felt for Ematt, but it came pretty damn close._

_Eyeing Ben's bloodied and bruised fist, she wondered how much deeper she could get him to bleed._

Rey shut down the memory, not wanting to think about that confrontation with Ben. Focusing instead on finding a scrap of sustenance, she clawed her way through the cabinets and drawers, but all Rey could find on Ben's rickety light freighter were some ration bars, a few bags of dried grain, and a good amount of chocolate. She slammed the cabinet shut, shaking her head as she scolded herself for not planning ahead. The only belongings she brought were the clothes on her skin and the lightsaber hooked to her belt.

If Ben hadn't drilled into her head to always keep her saber on hand, she'd probably be without that too.

Settling on a ration bar, she went into the lounge and sat at the communal table, basically swallowing the calories in one bite. There was a minimal trace of vibration throughout the whole ship, making it apparent the hunk of metal was still in hyperspace. If she had actually made a thorough plan of escape before she jumped the blaster on confronting Ematt, then she wouldn't be foodless or without credits. And she would have chosen a ship with way fewer memories attached to it.

At least the fuel tank was full. But how far could she get before she burned through it?

Rey sat there for hours – maybe decades. Did time really matter all that much anymore? It was weird to feel so numb after everything she'd done. She just killed a man for Force sake, and here she was… blinking… breathing. Living. Was she alive? Did it all really happen? Was she training to be a Jedi; did she live at a Resistance base; did a man named Ben actually exist?

It all seemed like an allegory of hope and love, with an ending interlaced with lies and murder.

Intermixed with her deadened senses was a tinge of embarrassment. She had feasted upon Ben's lies because her heart had been hungry. And when it came to being with him, she had chosen opt-in ignorance. Rey knew how much of a vile and manipulative human being he could be, but she'd convinced herself that he was changing, that he was starting to become the man he once was. But a person as monstrous as him could never come back from the depths of his own hell. Fates, he loved living down in that pit way too much.

How stupid she was for being duped, for being caught in those passionate, dark eyes.

Even now, she shivered from the recollection. Ben always had a way of gazing at her like nothing else existed in the galaxy for him, like he was both enchanted by her and slightly in awe. And to someone who never mattered to anyone before, who'd been abandoned, who felt lost in the universe… that was how he got her. In a sad realization that was hard to accept, she had lived for those little moments. Stayed close for them. Kept walking beside him in hopes it would happen again and again and again. And ended up giving a part of her body to him, a part she could never get back. Did she cling to the first person to view her as a woman? Was she really that needy?

Was she really that pathetic?

All these questions she didn't want to answer, even though she could feel the truth behind them. Everything was so uncertain now; she had no idea what she was going to do after she solved the mystery of her family. Maybe she could find some credits and then go off, become a hermit, and live out the rest of her life in a corner of the galaxy that wasn't affected by this war. Except… everything was affected by the war. Her solution was a bacta patch to a rather serious blaster shot to the head.

And what about Kayani? The ancient being had been eerily quiet for a long time now. Perhaps Rey had to be the one to call upon her? Kayani did say Rey was in control of her own mind and body. It could be that ever since their fight over reviving Ben, she'd been unknowingly blocking her out.

Well, the woman was difficult to talk to, no matter how much Rey tried to see things from her point of view.

 _Later_ , Rey told herself. _I'll figure it all out later._

Right now, she needed to think through how to navigate Niima Outpost without being detected.

()()()()()

Gradually climbing his way out of the realm of unconsciousness, Ren knew what the ringing sensation flowing throughout his body meant, the burn just below his sternum, the irritating, merciless itch: concern, but it wasn't for himself.

_Rey._

Ren bolted upright, instantly regretting the decision as his skull cracked open from in between his orbital bone. Rey had pushed his mind a little too far when she knocked him out, and now he was feeling the side effects in the form of a splitting migraine.

Squinting, the lights seemed to be like blazing stars, but without the comfort of heat. Everything in the room was extra bright, which was probably from the white, sterile atmosphere. He was in the med bay and his right hand was wrapped in some sort of cast, the feeling of cool bacta gel caking his skin on the inside. Looking around, he–

Lizari sat on the exam table across from him, and in her lap was her daughter Anna, both quietly staring. "Hey," the woman greeted. "Sorry if I startled you. I was already here, waiting for a checkup when everything happened in one of the hangars. The rooms are overflowing with new patients, so they placed you in here with me. Do you want me to get a med droid for you?"

Hangars? New patients? Ben stretched out his mind, catching a thought here and a thought there, piecing together how Rey got off the base. Her violent escape was overshadowed by the fact that Major Ematt was miraculously still alive. Ren prayed the man remained that way. "No. I'll be fine," he said, sliding off the table and going to the counter.

"You've been avoiding Terr and Garreaus. And me."

He paused, and then unlocked the cabinets, searching through the medical equipment. "I… yeah, I have."

"Why?"

Finding what looked to be a miniature saw, he started gently slicing through the hard outer layer of the cast. Much of his focus went to the task at hand as he chose not to answer the woman.

"I just wanted to thank you for healing Anna," Lizari softly said from behind. "What you did for her didn't look easy."

Slightly hanging his head, he chewed at the inside of his cheek, keeping his back to her while he continued with the cutting. "I'm sorry about Jorfel," he whispered.

He heard her inhale and exhale. "It isn't your fault. We'd all be dead if it wasn't for you."

Her reassuring voice pierced him. She was the one who lost her husband, and here she was, comforting him, thanking him. His heart skipped a beat, reminding him that the muscle was indeed alive and not just a hollow space; a dark cavern. "If I'd gotten back sooner, I could have…"

"Saved him?" Ren sliced through the last of the plaster, letting the mold fall to the counter. His hand and forearm was severely black and blue, but already in the process of healing as he funneled the majority of his energy into repairing the damage. Within twenty minutes, the skin and bone should be back to normal.

Ren turned to see Liz brushing the hair from her daughter's face while looking at him with a distance in her eyes. "I've thought a lot about that, too. I've thought about all the different ways it could've turned out differently, but then I look around and find myself here. Jorfel got a taste of independence when he left the First Order, and he valued his freedom almost as much as his family." Ren waited for her to continue, but she didn't. He almost inquired on how she was doing, but held off. One good look at her pale face and tired eyes told him all he needed to know.

Not knowing what else to say, nor did he want to accept the gratitude, he made for the exit. "I need to know…" Ren stopped from her voice. "Did you make Sheldom suffer?"

Honesty or to lie? From the fierce expression on her comely face, he knew what answer she wanted to hear. And it just so happened to be the truth. "Yes."

She exhaled, her shoulders relaxing as if he'd just given her a reprieve from the pain. Funny how retribution could sometimes do that for you. "Good," she bit out, wrapping her arms tighter around her daughter, her eyes looking straight ahead.

Stepping into the main atrium, he was immediately met by the two hard stares of Poe and the trooper. Both rose from the waiting chairs, twisting and turning their way through the bustle of med droids and humanoid staff. Looking around, patients lined the walls, some sitting on the floor, holding an injured limb or cradling a wrapped head.

_Rey caused all this?_

Poe opened his mouth to speak, but Ren beat him to it. "The council is already convening."

The pilot nodded, showing no offense at having his thoughts read. "General Organa wanted us to bring you to the meeting after you woke." Ren was already moving by the time Poe finished that sentence. He didn't want to waste any unnecessary time, and by the way Poe and Finn took the lead, they didn't either.

"What are they saying about Rey?" Ren asked.

Poe answered from over his shoulder. "Well, there were some members who accused you of trying to kill Major Ematt, but with you passed out on the office floor and Rey injuring dozens of people in order to steal a ship, it all made pretty compelling evidence that she was responsible." Poe paused. "So... is she?"

"Is she what?"

"Did she try to murder Ematt?"

"Yes."

"Don't lie," Finn accused harshly, stepping in Ren's way as the three of them came to a sudden halt. "Rey isn't like you," his voice cracked from the constriction of anger and emotion. "She would never try to kill someone without a reason."

Still feeling like utter shit, head pounding, and anger revved up from being called a liar, Ren got in the troopers face. "That man caused the death of her parents. Or is that not a good enough reason for her to do what she did?" Clearly, Poe and the bucket-head had not been privy to that upsetting piece of information. Both appeared floored and momentarily speechless. Confusion would come next, but Ren wasn't in the mood to answer their questions.

He walked on, not needing to be guided anymore since he could feel both Skywalker and the general's essences close by. Even if he wasn't Force sensitive, he was sure that following the echoes of yelling and intermingled voices would have led him right where he needed to go.

The noise faded rather quickly due to his presence. "Why are you here?" Vassena annoyingly asked, standing on the opposite side of the round holoprojector table. "This is a closed meeting."

"I'm going to guess that 'spite' is not an appropriate answer. I have–"

Leia talked over him. "I wanted him to be here. He's the last person to have spoken with Rey." She glanced over, quickly giving Ren a look that said you-better-behave. Coming from her, it made him not want to.

"Is this why we haven't watched the recording yet?" Trend asked. _Recording? What recording?_ "Because you wanted _him_ to be here?"

"Seeing how he's also in the holovid, he might be able to shed more light on the whole situation."

"What holovid?" Ren spoke up.

"There are cameras in each of our offices," Leia explained. "The whole incident was recorded."

_Oh… no…._

As Statura worked at getting the projection up and working, Leia moved next to Ren.

"I can't stop them from seeing this," she whispered, her voice being shielded by the light chatter throughout the room. "I need to know if you two said anything about… Han."

He gulped through a tight throat as his heart threatened to beat it's way out of his broad chest. "I – I don't think so." His father _had_ been brought up, but he was pretty sure from the perspective of an outside party, it would be mostly viewed as ambiguous.

Ren moved to the back, his mother showing a tinge of worry as she glanced at him. His swallowing increased and his hands trembled, making him cross his arms to try and hide it. Leaving seemed like the sensible thing to do, but he did want to know what happened between Ematt and Rey before he got there.

The confrontation proved more disturbing to watch than he initially thought. The woman in that hologram was the same corrupted version Ren had confronted mere hours ago, but it was still sickening to witness. And heartbreaking.

Then, his turn finally came up.

Ren angled his body away, his eyes fixating on the thick, electrical wiring winding its way through the numerous outlets in the slate wall. Unlike everyone else in the room, Ren didn't need to view this next part.

It was already seared into his memory from living it.

_His fist pounded against the locked barrier as he yelled, "Rey! Let me in!" Glancing around, he didn't see anyone dart out of the rooms, looking to view the commotion – which was monumentally lucky. He really didn't need an audience for this and who the hell knew what the scene was like inside._

" _Rey," he spoke in a lower voice. "Open the door. I know you're in there." Being this close, he could practically feel her dark impulses scratch under his skin, making him extremely antsy. Frustrated, Ren wheeled his fist back and punched at the metal. The Force augmented his strength so profoundly, that his knuckles left dents in the durasteel. It didn't take long for the sleek grey to be tainted with red, and even though he knew his hand was now broken, he kept going, not even feeling the pain._

_The door abruptly opened and Ren froze mid punch as he glanced around the room. Multiple officers were on the floor or hunched over the table, all of them thankfully alive. As he stepped in, wrangling in his panting breath, he caught sight of Rey to the left… and a clearly horrified and immobile Ematt._

_Rey was standing close to him, as if guarding a most valuable prize. Vast inky darkness surrounded her, like a black cloud from a stormy sky._

_She threw a datapad at his feet, the screen shattering on impact. "When did you find out the truth?" she asked, voice eerily collected._

_Ren eyed the lightsaber at her belt, feeling vulnerable without his own. He inhaled. "Over a week ago."_

" _How did you know what to search for?"_

_Ren rolled his jaw and clenched his teeth before revealing the truth. "When I was on Jakku, I obtained the names of your parents from Plutt."_

_Her eyes flickered, staring at him like a fog had been lifted and she was looking at someone she hadn't even known was there. "You've known their names even before Ahch-To… and you never told me?"_

" _I–" He faltered, knowing the explanation was going to sound bad. Because it was. "I didn't see any good coming out of you knowing their names. They were either dead, or they truly abandoned you and wanted nothing to do with you. I... wanted to spare you from the truth."_

_She scoffed. "How selfless of you." Her eye twitched as her gaze roamed around the room. "You knew all of this… while we were together last night," she said, her body language loose, but controlled, the exact opposite of how he acted when in one these fueled fits. Ren wasn't sure what to do… or what to say._

_Rey looked to her right, studying Ematt with a tempered fury that could have been admirable under different circumstances. "You were right when you told me to leave your room before I regretted anything." She met his stare. "Because now, I regret everything. I gave you a part of myself I can never get back. Was that what you wanted?" Her eyes flared. "Were you actually bothered after talking with your mother, or were you pretending to be so I'd be more willing to have sex with you?"_

" _No," he responded immediately, glancing briefly at the terrified man. "You know last night was so much more than that." He took a step forward, placing his palm against his chest. "I wasn't putting on a front and nothing about our time together was a lie. Rey," his voice got reedy, "I love you. I was going to tell you about your parents tonight, because I realized it was wrong to keep it from you. I… I just wanted to protect you."_

_She smiled and laughed in a way that wasn't pleasant. "Well, now, this sounds familiar. Didn't your family not tell you about your grandfather for the exact same reason? To protect you?"_

_His gut went frigid as he tried to deny the similarities of the situations, but said denial was not strong enough to mask the truth._

" _And look what you did in retaliation of finding out: you helped ruin the galaxy and murdered tons of innocent people. Even tore your family apart." Ren could very well feel how close he was to hyperventilating, like he used to so many times when he was a child. "Admit it – you were satisfied on Starkiller when he walked up to you on that bridge and you put the saber through his heart, weren't you?"_

_Flabbergasted, mouth agape, eyes wide, it was hard for him to fathom that she could say something like that to him. For someone who knew the darkness well, Ren suddenly felt out of his element. "Not gonna answer? That's okay." Rey shrugged. "I know you enjoyed it."_

" _Don't say something like that to me. Ever."_

 _Rey didn't even blink._ " _I'll say whatever I damn well please." Was she trying to goad him into reacting? If so, then he needed to be very cautious with what he said to her. This whole situation was like having a glass vase in the middle of a battlefield: one wrong move, and it all shattered. In this case, one wrong word, and she might just decide to kill Ematt._

_Ren hesitated, choosing his words carefully. "I made a promise to you that I wouldn't let you fall. Remember?"_

_Rey chuckled, mockingly. "When have you ever kept your word?"_

_Without warning, Ren's vision plunged into darkness before a brilliant mixture of color suddenly blossomed all around, cocooning him in a spectacle that shocked him back until his spine hit a hard barrier. The macabre of hues morphed into a solid scene… that involved him and his father._

" _Dad!" Ben pushed through the crowd, running happily past the various booths. Glancing around, Ren recognized the fair as the Galactic Science Convention, one his parents had brought him to when he was ten. He'd been so ecstatic to win tickets to such an innovative event, and then to actually have_ both _his parents take him had been a miracle of substantial weight._

_But Ren wasn't happy to be here now, because he knew what was about to happen._

" _Ben!" his father yelled as he walked up to him, his worried face morphing into frustration. "Your mother and I have been looking everywhere for you. I didn't bring you to the museum so you can run off and–"_

" _Look what I won," Ben said with elation, shoving the thick texts into Han's face. "I beat dozens of people at this game–"_

" _Game?" Han looked around, trying to find where his son could've possibly won a contest. "What game? Did you gamble?"_

" _No," Ben laughed while adjusting his grip on the thick books. "They just asked a bunch of science questions to some volunteers and the last one standing won the prize. Guess how far I got?!"_

_Han quirked a brow. "The last one standing?"_

" _Yup! And look what I won." He held up one novel after another, showing his father the faded covers. "Limited edition vintage texts about the revolution of medicine during the time of the Mandalorian Wars. I mean, you can find all of this through the HoloNet, but printing books is such a lost art, which make these priceless–"_

" _Did you cheat?"_

_Ben became frazzled, his smile faltering. "W-what? Cheat? No, I didn't –"_

_Han stepped forward. "Don't lie to me, kid._

_Pulling the books closer to his chest, Ben stood firm. "I'm not lying."_

_His father eyed him ruthlessly. "Did you or did you not listen in on someone's thoughts so you could win?"_

" _No!" Ben shook his head vehemently. "I swear I didn't! I – I won fairly–"_

" _C'mon," Han grabbed Ben's arm, wheeling him around as he dragged him away. "You're gonna return those books so someone who deserves them can get 'em."_

_Ben ripped away from Han's hold. "But I deserve them!" he yelled, causing a scene, much to his father's blatant disapproval. "I beat everyone else without using the Force."_

_Han flinched at the word, like it was a curse being flung onto his life. "March over there right now and apologize for cheating," he pointed in the direction they'd been going. "I've raised you better than this."_

_Ben couldn't believe what just came out of a former smuggler and gambler's mouth. "You've barely raised me at all," he said, looking at Han with contempt. Even at ten, Ben almost matched the eye level of his own father.  
_

_The remark stunned Han for just a moment before he pointed a finger into his son's glaring face. "Ben, don't make me –"_

_Ben threw the books onto the ground, making them scatter into the crowd. Han straightened, looking down upon his vehement son. "If you want someone else to have these books so badly, then you can return them yourself," Ben hissed._

_Rushing past his dad, he ignored the curious eyes while marching for the exit. Ren watched, remembering how he'd been so mad and embarrassed, partly for not being able to keep what he'd won… but mostly for his father being able to see right through him._

_Ben had cheated on the last question. It was the first and last time he ever done such a thing during a contest, but he'd done it because greed had gotten the better of him._

_And Han knew. Somehow, that man_ knew _Ben's tells, even though the guy was barely around to see him grow up. The anger over that was more palpable than knowing he hadn't deserved to win._

_The memory changed, showing a dimly lit living room in their house on Hosnian Prime. Leia and Han were sitting upright on the long sofa, both asleep, her head resting on his shoulder. Ben, much the same age, was lying on the opposite loveseat, arm tucked under his head and eyes watching whatever program was on the holoscreen. Such a normal familial scene, one that rarely occurred in that house._

_Ren stood off to the side by the kitchen, viewing a memory he thought he'd forgotten._

_Ben glanced over at his parents and observed the two of them for the longest time. Ren recalled what had been going through his mind in that moment: he'd been memorizing his fathers arm around his mother, the look of their content faces, and the comfort in which he rarely saw them give. He watched them for so long, pretending that they were a normal family – that his father didn't shy away every time Ben used the Force in front of him. Truly, what started Ben down the path of academics had been him pining to look normal, so maybe, just maybe, Han would see him as a conventional son._

_It didn't work, but at least he found a joy in learning that he couldn't find with his family._

_The memory went on for so long, Ren didn't even realize that he was now Ben, studying his parents from the vantage point of the soft blue couch. He was getting lost… everything feeling so tangible. Every inhale, he smelled his mother's perfume: jade roses with a hint of earthy undertones._

_Abruptly, a much older version of Han formed in front of the holoscreen, his gruffly aged face looking down at Ben with so much sorrow, it broke him right at the center. Bolting over the sofa with zero grace, Ben tripped his way over to the corner of the room, shaking uncontrollably._

_"Ben…" Han breathed, eyes questioning. "Why?"_

_Incapable of filling his lungs, Ben drowned in the moment, his eyes wide and locked on the face of the man he suddenly remembered murdering. But… he was only ten years old. How could he have – Who was he? What's happening?_

_Han looked longingly at a slumbering Leia. "You took me away from her. I'll never see her again."_

_Clawing at his hair, Ben closed his eyes and curled into himself, unable to hold back a deep sob. "No…"_

" _My boy."_

_A brush of a cheek…. Ben relived the lurch of plunging the lightsaber through his father's chest… and realized this whole experience was just an illusion mixed with memory, a hazy experience of vivid images and gut wrenching pain. He wasn't a child anymore._

_"This isn't real," he whispered, opening his eyes and glancing up to catch an amused Rey standing behind the sofa that held his sleeping parents._

" _Stop it," he demanded, and just like that, the vision vanished, leaving him panting against the wall of Major Ematt's office._

_Rey feigned bemusement. "Can't take facing your worst fear?" she mocked. "This is what you've done so many times to other people, isn't it? I think it's only fair for you to experience the same thing."_

_Bending over and placing hands on his knees, he took deep, shaky breaths, focusing on the tears he didn't realize were dropping onto the floor. What she had done to him was right on his level of cruelty, but he couldn't get angry with her, no matter how hard she pushed him. Even if part of him wanted to. "Rey, I know what you're feeling," he breathed out low while unsteadily straightening._

_Tilting her head to the side, her gaze narrowed. "Do you? Because you actually had a family while growing up."_

" _You feel betrayed, but torturing me or killing him won't change anything."_

_She shrugged "It'll make him dead. I'd say that's changing things."_

" _Your parents are gone." He shook his head, hair sticking to his sweaty skin. "This won't bring them back."_

" _You think I don't know that?" she asked, her voice rising in pitch. "You think I'm stupid enough to believe this will actually change anything?" Pause, and then, "I rotted on Jakku for fifteen years!"_ There it is _, he thought._ There's the rage _. "Alone! Unwanted! Starving for food and thirsting for water!" Her face heated and her lip curled back as she continued, cycling through so many emotions, she appeared unhinged. "None of that can be changed now. All of that time has been wasted. All of it–" Her voice gave out, her eyes becoming distant for a fraction of a second as she composed herself. Then her focus went to Ematt. "But I can make the person responsible pay for what's been done."_

" _Where would it end? He was working for the Republic. More than likely, a group of senators sanctioned the operation. Are you going to kill them, too?"_

" _You think you're mother knew about this?" Ren stilled as her attention glided onto his stunned face. "Maybe she's one of the senators who authorized it."_

_Ren swallowed… and reminded himself to breathe. "She would never have authorized something like that," he enunciated every word with deliberation. "She's Vader's daughter. It would be like condemning herself."_

_"Maybe after we're done here, I'll go ask her about it. Just to make sure."_

_Rage made him lose his voice for a moment. "Don't."_

_Her brows popped. "Oh, have I finally crossed a line? I didn't think bringing up your mom would–"_

" _You do this and you can't take it back," Ren interrupted, motioning to her frozen victim. In truth, he was trying to steer the conversation away from his mother because he'd become instinctively furious over Rey threatening her safety._

" _That's the point. Are you gonna tell me that I don't have the right to kill him?"_

" _No. I think you have every right; I'm not going to fight you on that. But if you do this, it will ruin you." He took a deep breath, digging somewhere deep inside to find what to say to her._

_Ren was not a savior. Never had been. His interests had always been either his master's or his own. No one else's. He'd been against forming any sort of attachments that were permanent, but Rey changed all that the moment he saw her._

_Warmth suddenly flooded his being, basking him in a soft light. It washed away his pain, the fear and his bitterness, leaving only perfect clarity in its wake. Ren realized it was the Force, but it had never felt like this. "Rey, listen to me," he said gently. "For so long, I have been a slave to my hatred, my rage. That's what the Dark side turned me into. That's what it does. Nothing in this galaxy will ever be enough to satiate it. You give it more and more of yourself, until you pass that point where a part of you always remains empty. What you're feeling will never bring you happiness. It's a trap baited with all the things you want most: Power, pride, belonging. But it's a lie. That life – it will never be worth living," he explained with beseeching sincerity._

_Maybe it was the moment he chose not to kill her on Ahch-To. Or the time he first kissed her in the warm sea. Could have been all the quiet moments they lied awake at night, talking about anything and everything until they both drifted to sleep. But one thing was certain: somewhere along the journey, he tripped over the urge to feel alive again, yearning for the fall that would bring him home._

_But looking into her voidless stare, he knew that in this moment, the distance between them was monumental, putting them on opposite sides._

_Rey didn't take in a single word he said, which tore at him because he believed it wholeheartedly. "Look at you," Rey snickered. "Speaking from experience. But you know what?" She stalked closer to Ematt and Ren's neck pricked, bracing him. "I'm willing to gamble that I won't lose a wink of sleep over his death."_

_Rey was quick, too quick for Ren to stop her from stilling him. She expertly blocked his attempts at taking her down, rendering Ren useless. He'd been wondering exactly how far she was willing to go, and he received his answer as he watched Ematt's neck twist and give out a resounding snap, shocking Ren senseless. He vaguely heard himself yell something, but was unable to process what it was. Immobile and wide eyed, Ren witnessed the body crumble to the floor, unmoving._

_No words came from his mouth as Rey just stood over the body, staring at the lifeless man. She didn't budge or show any signs of emotion; no breaking down or gasps over what she had done. Her registration was slow. Quiet. She moved at her own pace, even as Ren stayed frozen, rotting._

_One minute and one millennia truly felt the same._

_Eventually, Rey coolly walked up to him as his eyes shifted and he weakly stared down at her, his focus locked on and complete. He could have broken free from the arrest by now, but he wasn't sure if his knees were strong enough to hold his body weight._

_And honestly, he just didn't care to do so._

_Scrutinizing her face, she had transformed into a shell of the woman he once knew so intimately. Eyes dead, complexion pallid, mouth closed, he was gazing upon the same expression he'd worn for the last six years: Lost. Fetal. Despondent. Such a guise was sacrilegious to be visibly worn by her._

_Rey glanced at the door and with dejection worthy of a castaway, Ren pleaded for her not to leave, even though he knew she could no longer stay. Or be with him._

_She eyed him up and down. "No reason to stay is a good reason to go." Her voice was so grave, it seemed like it should've come out of a corpse._

" _I love you." Truly, his love for her roared louder than her demons._

_But of course, his credibility had expired. "Liar." There was no accusation in her tone. No scorn. Just a statement of what she believed him to be._

_Quickly, he whispered, "When you're alone, there will come a time where you realize that you pushed everyone away. And you'll think that you've done too much to turn back. But you can. You'll tell yourself you can't, but you can. Remember that." That was all he could think of to say, because that was the only thing he wished someone had told him before he'd gone off into the galaxy to destroy the man he once was._

" _We'll see," she replied._

_Slamming into his mind, she forced him asleep, the darkness inking into his vision as his numb body hit the hard floor._


	47. Loneliness Was Just Around The Corner

Leia watched the projection of Rey standing above her son's crumpled body, noticing the girl's impassive face and dull eyes. From the slight shift in Rey's body language, Leia thought she was going to crouch down and touch Ben, but she didn't. Instead, Rey hurriedly left the room, leaving only a picture of the unconscious bodies on the floor. The recording blinked off as the above lights came back to full power.

Silence followed, from what Leia perceived as sheer shock. Her gaze reflexively shifted to Ben, noticing that his attention was directed at the wall next to him. If she were in his position, she wouldn't have watched the video either. Honestly, from the personal subject matter shown, she was surprised he stayed in the room at all.

Luke wasn't faring any better. Her brother was upset he hadn't felt the Dark side sooner, because if he had, he could have stopped Rey from becoming lost. Unlike her son, Leia had a feeling that Luke would have extinguished the situation before it escalated. But she wasn't mad at Ben for trying to talk Rey down. The boy loved her and probably didn't want to hurt her.

Both men cared for the girl in vastly different ways, but Luke would have been more objective when dealing with a clearly vindictive Rey.

Even though the holovid didn't give her a clue as to where Rey went off to, the viewing wasn't a complete loss. Leia had to wipe her eyes when she watched Ben talk about the falsity of the darkness and what it twisted him into. His last words to Rey nearly made her lose it, because she saw how deeply Snoke manipulated her son into believing that he'd done too much to return home. For the thousandth time, Leia daydreamed of wrapping her hands around that creature's neck and squeezing the borrowed time right out of him.

Trend was the first to speak up, her hands resting on the circular holoprojector, every hair and inch of clothing perfectly in place. How august the woman appeared. How collected. "The girl needs to be found and apprehended before–"

The room suddenly spun into a cacophony of voices that were indecipherable, but urgent, drowning Vassena's words below the many opinions offered. Of course, no one was questioning the role Ematt played in all of this. Earlier, they had all watched the same video recovered from the broken datapad, but not one person, besides her, had tried to bring it up. All they saw was the crime; all they wanted was the justice.

But could she really blame them for wearing blinders? When Leia was younger, she'd been much the same way: upholding the law and punishing the transgressors. But with old age, she'd come to see that such things were no longer black and white. Especially where the Force was concerned.

Frustration caused her jaw to clench as her mind worked on shaping a plan.

"We don't have the resources to scourer the galaxy searching for her," Admiral Statura shouted, catching the attention of a few. "Not with the First Order breathing down our necks."

Trend argued back. "That girl is destructive and has been trained in the ways of the Force. We all know how much of a disaster that can be." She briefly glanced at Ben. "She needs to be found immediately."

Leia cleared her throat, exploiting the opening Vassena had unknowingly given her. "I agree, Admiral Trend." Every head in the room turned, every mouth snapped shut. "I'll take it upon myself to put a team together. The numbers will only be few, but I think stealth is a better option for this particular assignment." Seeing two high ranking officials being civil and agreeing with one another was a moment that showed sensibility and maturity. Obviously, no one knew how to react to it. This was Leia and Vassena, after all.

Meanwhile, Leia pretended not to notice the very intent stares of her son and brother, who remained silent off to her left and right.

Admiral Trend tried her best at composing her confusion. "I'm glad to see us agree on something, General Organa."

_Oh, but we don't._

The trooper stepped forward and asked, "What will happen to her if she's brought back here?"

"The full extent of the law still applies for attempted murder. Or murder, if Ematt passes away," Vassena explained. Finn looked from Trend to Leia and back again, maybe hoping to get a different answer than the one heard. None were offered.

"I'll entrust you with working out the details of the charges that are to be brought against her," Leia civilly addressed the admiral. "Now, if you could all see yourselves out, I need a moment alone with my son." Hesitation arose, but one by one, they all filed out of the room, Vassena surprisingly being one of the first to leave. As she'd anticipated, Trend was in a hurry to get on her datapad and search for everything pertaining to the law.

How easily people lost focus as to who their true enemies were.

Once the door slid closed, Ben moved toward her, causing Luke to take position by her side. "You can't seriously be considering arresting Rey and putting her on trial–"

"I'm not," Leia interrupted, noticing that Dameron and Finn were still in the room. She decided to let them stay. "Knowing Vassena, she'll be all too eager at figuring out how to get Rey slammed with a death sentence. Which will give us some time to figure out what to do."

Both looking at each other, Leia couldn't help but study her son's masculine face. His dark, wavy hair had grown so much over the last few weeks that she was tempted to tell him to get it cut. It was a stark contrast to how he preferred the rest of himself polished, but ever since the bullying started when he was younger, Ben always kept his hair long to hide his protruding ears. Shame, though. Leia did love his uniquely large ears. It made him appear younger, more carefree. Less of a threat.

Ben narrowed his gaze. "Did you know about this?" He didn't need to expound on what he was asking. Leia knew what he was getting at.

"No," she staunchly replied. "Like you said, I would never have authorized such an operation. And I would have stopped it if I ever found out." Truly, she would have. While Leia abhorred where she biologically came from, to persecute those with a similar background would be branding herself a hypocrite. She and Luke were a testament that no matter your heritage, the sins of the parents did not bloom in the children they bore.

Now looking to Luke as if the Jedi had said his name, Ben hotly said, "Is there something on your mind? Best to let it out. Wouldn't want it to fester."

Luke exhaled deeply. "Ben–"

"You've just been waiting for me to somehow ruin everything, haven't you?" Leia stood there, agog. It wasn't over what he said, but more over whom he was saying it to. For the most part, Luke and Ben went out of their ways to ignore one another. "Well, I think I more than exceeded your expectations this time."

Luke shook his head. "I'm not blaming you for this. Rey's actions are her own. She chose to seek vengeance."

"So if you were in her position, you would've been able to just let it go?" Ben asked, looking around at the others as if seeking validation. "I think you're all underestimating how much rage she suppressed over being left on Jakku and living alone for fifteen years."

Without hesitation, Finn stepped in. "And you aren't? You're the one who kept this from her."

"Because of this exact reason!"

"Maybe if you actually sat her down and explained everything, she wouldn't have tried to commit murder!"

"Hey!" Poe wedged himself between the two fired up men as Luke grabbed Finn's arm, pulling the trooper back. Ben batted Poe's hands away and stalked off to the opposite side of the room, his face twitching with unreleased anger. Leia wanted to go to him, but she stayed where she was. "The only person at fault is Major Ematt," Poe said in a more conservative tone. "So how about we all just agree on that and try to keep our voices down. We don't need to draw outside attention."

Ben's dark brown eyes got so tight, he wasn't frowning; he was glaring. "The New Republic is also at fault," he said through gritted teeth, his body staying as far away from them as possible. Or more accurately, away from Finn.

"I don't think–"

"He's right," Leia said as she flicked her braid from off of her shoulder. "The Republic failed her, but putting aside the blame, we need to find her before the First Order does."

Still staying close to the trooper, Luke said, "I'm going to leave within the hour and–"

"You can't go." 

Brows rising, Luke stared at his sister for a moment before saying, "Leia, she's my apprentice, and I don't mean any disrespect, but you can't order me not to."

"I'm not ordering you. I'm asking you to stay," she implored, getting a good look at the bags under his eyes. They were both getting too old for all of this, but time was a reckoning force that did not discriminate. "I need you here with me. You've already been out of the fight far too long and the Resistance is in need of the last remaining Jedi. I need support in this war, and your name could very well sway other planets to join our cause."

Luke thought over her reasoning, shaking his head. "I've been here for weeks, and I don't see how my presence has helped you any."

Leia pointed directly at her brother. " _You've_ been a recluse, training Rey during the day and staying in your room during the evenings. I need you physically by my side, Luke. I need you talking to planetary leaders and spewing out some wise Jedi words that will give them enough courage to fight against the very real threat of fascism."

"Leia, I–"

"Ben will find her." That statement seemed to wake everyone up, especially her son, who was still barricading himself against the far wall. To his credit, at least he was controlling his temper. If he were ten years younger, this whole room would have been reduced to its molecular structure by now.

"He isn't allowed to leave the base," Luke stated.

She waved her hand around. "I just allowed it, so he can. Besides, he's planning on leaving with or without permission. Probably right after we're done talking here." Leia turned to address Ben. "Isn't that right?"

Ben's eyes shifted to his uncle before settling back on Leia. "Yes."

"This is a big risk, not just because the possibility over you"–Luke pointed to Ben–"being caught by the First Order, but because of the dissent this will cause in the Resistance. Not one person will support your decision to let Ben go. Trend–"

"I'm the leader and founder of the Resistance. Everyone answers to me; it's not the other way around. Ben goes." The twins stared at each other, both searching the others face and trying to gage the others will power. Leia didn't know why Luke even bothered with the stare down. They both knew she was going to win, because she never settled for anything less.

And yes, she knew her brother could be a pushover if she played her cards right.

"I'll need Poe and the trooper." The fact that that wasn't a question, but a demand, was not surprising when it came to her son.

"Poe can't go," Leia said, breaking off eye contact with Luke. From the way he stepped away, rubbing his beard, she knew the argument had settled in her favor. "He has an important mission coming up and I can't spare him."

"Important mission?" Poe straightened. "I haven't been informed of anything."

"You just were. Come by my office after dinner to discuss the specifics." Poe nodded, looking at Leia with pride over being given an assignment that sounded significant. If there was anyone Leia trusted with the task she had in mind, it was Dameron. His past performances had proven him to be quick on his feet and creative with improvisation. And through it all, he was still alive and loyal to the cause.

Leia thought of Poe's father, thinking how proud he must be to have such an exemplary son. In truth, Leia sometimes looked at the young man as if he were her own, which panged her with guilt since she already had a child. But… she couldn't help but fantasize what her life could've been like if Ben had grown up being more like Poe.

Looking to have reined in his frustration, Ben left his sanctuary and joined the small group. "Fine. I'll take the trooper then."

"That _trooper_ has a name," Poe growled. And just stared at him.

In the short awkward silence that followed, Leia witnessed her son soften by only a fraction, but still, the fact that he did so was astonishing. "Fine," Ben grumbled. " _Finn._ "

Those two traveling the galaxy together could very well turn into a huge problem. Mainly for Finn. "Given the history you have with my son, would you be willing to do this?" she asked him.

"Yes. Absolutely. I, uhhh…" Finn's voice tapered, his eyes glancing down nervously.

Leia read him easily. "You were also planning on secretly leaving and searching for her."

Finn shrugged. "Maybe…" A ghost of a smile flickered across her lips. Rey was a lucky woman to have such a loyal friend… and to have the heart of her son.

"Okay. You two," she addressed Finn and Ben. "Go and pack. Commander Dameron, gather up weapons and supplies and put them on the Falcon. Tell no one what you're doing. Understood?"

"Yes, General," Poe and Finn responded in unison. Ben was quiet, a frown setting deep between his eyes.

"We need to get you two out of here as fast as possible before anyone catches wind of you leaving," she added.

"Are you sure about this Leia?" Luke asked one last time. "This will cause an uproar."

"I'm sure. I can handle the council," she assured him. Glancing at Dameron, she gave him one last order. "The Falcon will need to be fueled–"

"No," Ben said. "I'm not taking that ship."

Leia looked at her son's hard-set eyes and wanted to curse. Talking to him always felt like she was trudging up a mountain with a pair of concrete slabs for feet, eyes blindfolded and hands tied behind her back. "The Falcon is now your ship. So you're taking it." His lids widened and for once, she stunned him into speechlessness. "Now I suggest you all get going. The longer you wait, the farther Rey gets."

Poe and Finn hurried out, but Ben stayed put, standing there in a way that tested her patience. Slowly he walked for the door and paused in front of her, looking down from over his shoulder. His eyes were fathomless obsidian, its pit carved out and bottomless from the fires of his own indignation. Cold and merciless.

Unlike her brother, these eyes were harder to hold. But unbeknownst to her son's attempt at intimidation, she had met someone much more malicious and foreboding, someone who didn't have eyes to search, but a black mask to fear.

Darth Vader.

Who knew her own father would be the one to give her enough strength to look into her son's chilling eyes.

And then Ben was gone, not even saying a word. Luke placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, reminding her of his supportive presence. She grabbed it, giving it a squeeze. Neither spoke, but Luke could always understand Leia's silence better than her own words.

Not wanting this to be the last goodbye her and Ben had for what might be a long time, she ambled to his quarters, hoping to at least achieve a proper farewell.

()()()()()

Ren glided into his room… and stopped. His big statuesque form faced the bed, eyes roaming up and down the tucked blankets and cloud-like pillows. Blinking, each eyelid felt swollen and throbbed, as if he'd been crying for days and days and days. But he hadn't, even though he felt like he should be.

Standing there, he rubbed his fingers against his thumb, still feeling the slight tingle from the memory of caressing Rey's skin….

He could perfectly envision her on the bed, exactly as she'd been the night before: her tanned, tight body lounging, her innocent eyes nervous, so unsure of how attractive she was – which unknowingly worked in her favor, making her more desirable.

Thinking back to that prostitute in the bar on Lothal, he admitted that the woman had been beautiful. But that was the point. It was all about enticing men or women to pay for the goods, while never getting anything real in return. That woman, all made up and dripping with offers, didn't even hold a candle to Rey – much the same way a regularly tended greenhouse flower wasn't nearly as attractive as something that grew out in the wild, untamed and untouched.

Now, everything was over. Ren highly doubted they could ever be together again. What he kept from her… well, nothing good ever came from keeping the truth from someone. He was living proof of that.

The door initiated, but he didn't glance back to see who it was. He already knew. "When I find Rey, we won't be coming back here." Ren wasn't going to let the New Republic get ahold of her. They would use her as an example of what happens to Force users who disregarded the law.

"I know," Leia said, walking further into his quarters. "It's for the best, given the situation." He was expecting more of an argument, especially with how they just left off the previous conversation, but apparently his mother was in a strangely understanding mood all of sudden. "But you and I need to keep in contact. If I leave a message aboard the Falcon, you need to actually view it." He gave out a quick sardonic chuckle, knowing that was meant to be a jab over the fact that he never viewed the message she had sent him after she'd been ousted as Vader's daughter. Knowing her, she probably checked every so often, hoping to see that he'd watched it.

He never had.

Going to the closet, he said, "That ship doesn't belong to me, and I'm not taking it."

"Yes it does, and yes you are," Leia spoke firmly, showing she was actually not in an understanding mood. _I thought too soon._ "The Falcon is one of the only ships that isn't in need of immediate repairs." Ren grabbed the two duffles and strode back to the bed. "And you know how to fly it. Probably better than anyone else here."

He plopped the luggage on the mattress, unzipping the openings a little too forcibly. "I was a child when I learned."

"And I doubt you've forgotten. You never forget anything." Whether the last part was meant to be a slight, Ren couldn't tell. "I commed Harter and you can drop by med bay to get the chip removed. She'll be discreet and–"

He wheeled around, interrupting her. "No need. I already took it out." Leia composed her stunned face quickly and didn't press him on the details. She probably expected him to pull such a stunt.

Sensing that his mother was going to bring up the Falcon again, he changed the subject. "It would be imprudent to admit to the council that you let me leave. You can lose a substantial amount of support." Not like he cared. He was bringing it up because… because…

"It's better that they know I gave you the order to find her, than to think you escaped. I don't want them thinking you're a criminal."

 _War criminal would be more accurate._ Ren shrugged his indifference. "They already do, so just let them. If you acknowledge that you knew about this, it could very well blow up in your face."

Leia's lids shut briefly. "Ben… I can't help feeling protective over you." Her tone was composed. Level. Gentle, might even be apt. "I'm your mother."

He rolled his eyes as he swept back his hair, and for some odd reason, he almost expected her to point out that he was in dire need of a trim. "Well, you picked one hell of a time to start acting like it. The middle of a war? Great judgment you got there."

"I can't just turn off my parental instincts," she said, her voice losing that soft tone.

"Interesting. I didn't even know you had an on switch for that."

"Dammit Ben," she harshly exhaled, massaging her eyes between her forefinger and thumb. Taking in a few breaths to calm down from the outburst, she said in a stern, but even timbre, "Is it really that hard to talk to me without the snarky comments?"

Ren rubbed his face and gave out a noise that was somewhere between a growl and a groan. "I told you last night, you and I can never be mother and son again. You need to accept that and move on."

"And you can tell me with one hundred percent certainty that you've moved on? That you don't wish me to be a mother to you?" Ren crossed his arms, defending himself from the onslaught of personal questions. "Because I think you want that just as much as I want my boy back." She paused so he could answer. He didn't. "Or did I hallucinate your reaction in that holovid when Rey _oh so_ subtly threatened my life?"

There really was no winning with this woman. Not for the first time in his life, Ren realized they were so much alike: obstinate, rough around the edges, and somehow readable to one another.

"Fine," he stated, fanning his arms out in defeat. "You know what? You're right. You're _always_ right. I do want you to be my mother again." While his tone was more jeering than tender, what he said was the truth. "I want you to tell me that everything will be alright, even if it won't change anything. I admit to all of it," he bit out. "And I'm an absolute fool for doing so."

Hands on hips, he glanced down, the clamor between his ears raising the frustration up a level. "Do you even know how many nights I wished I didn't have the Force? That I could be normal?" Leia stared back, her lips remaining sealed – which was fine. The questions were rhetorical anyway. "All my life," he continued, "because the thoughts I heard from you and Han made me hate myself. I've always despised who I am. And then I was dumped at that horrendous academy and I never got over feeling abandoned by you two."

The shocked expression he received from his mother was achingly satisfying. But why stop the rambling there? Why not bring the reality of who he was full circle? Strive for greatness, he always said.

"Would you like to know what went through my mind as I died on Lothal?" He laughed at where his thoughts were headed, because to him, they were amusing. But Leia didn't share the same sentiment. "It was of you, when I was a boy. I was scared and had wet the bed again from having one of those nightmares. You let me sleep in your arms that night, telling me that monsters weren't real and that you would always protect me." He waved his hands over his form, all sense of flippancy now gone, his eyes like stone. "Now look at me? I _am_ the very monster you promised to protect me from. Irony at its finest."

His sight bore into her, but Leia could no longer hold his stare. Instead, she looked over at the closet. At the clothes hanging lifelessly from the hangers.

"You don't look very happy about my confession," he observed.

She met his gaze. "Are you?"

He told her what she wanted to know and still, it didn't seem to be enough. Maybe he should have spoken with a softer tone or showed more emotion like he had last night. _Yeah… I'm not stooping to that level with her._ Ren was pretty sure he cried enough tears in front of his mother yesterday to deserve never having to do it again.

And here he thought words counted. Apparently the delivery was just as crucial.

Ren closed his eyes for a moment. He couldn't help himself. The guilt over his father almost pushed him into giving this woman whatever she wanted: her son. And maybe some kind words.

When his lids opened, he saw Leia's eyes shining, reflecting the pity she no doubt felt for him. He glared at her. "Don't look at me like that," he said low and demanding.

Going back to the business of packing, he didn't bother organizing any of the clothes or hygienic products. Not like Rey would care if her shirts and trousers were to become wrinkled. Her haphazard job of putting her stuff away made that evident.

Sweeping through the drawers, a strange crumbling noise came from beneath her clothes. Digging, he paused, and then grabbed a handful of ration bars and small snacks. The whole bottom part of the drawer was littered with them, all of it being hidden by her garments. She kept a cache of food, even though it was all readily available in the mess hall.

What he held in his hands was truly a sad sight as he thought of her as a little girl, stowing away food and water because her life had been so unpredictable. A child should not live in such a way.

Dumping all of Rey's and his stuff into the two, long duffle bags, he pushed everything down and zipped one of them up. Snatching her journal and doll, he placed them on top of the other before closing it. He grabbed the handles with one hand, throwing the luggage over his shoulder, and then went for both her staffs in the closet: the one she made on Jakku and the one he helped her make on Spira.

Ren wasn't sure if he should feel relieved or worried over knowing she at least had her lightsaber.

Turning to the exit, Leia was still in the way of the door, blocking him. Of course, he'd known she was there. Her stare only burned a scorching hole through his back the whole time he ran around the room, packing like a spastic spice addict working off the jitters. Surprisingly, he was slightly peeved she hadn't offered to help.

"Do you only remember the bad memories?" she asked, arms crossed, feet planted.

He sighed. "No, I do remember some of the good parts, but... to me, they pale in comparison to everything else."

Leia nodded slowly, and put her hand out as if to touch him. He stepped back, pinching his stare. Withdrawing her hand, she appeared hurt by his need to dodge her. "I'm going to prove that I can be a mother to you, Ben. I swear it."

Fates… the conviction in her voice and in her expression was borderline mesmerizing. He could tell she actually believed in such a promise, and he found himself almost believing it as well. That kind of hope was only a step away, which was a distance that was very easily crossed by a weak mind searching for rescue from a deprived life.

But he didn't allow his emotions to go there. The fact that she chose to take on such a task, while in the middle of a war and being the leader of an opposing side, made him seriously doubt her cognition. "Going to send more invites for afternoon meal?" he sneeringly asked. "Let me save you from the hassle and cancel on you right now."

Leia lowered her head, and then stepped aside, reaching into her pocket to pull out something black and slender, along with a credit chip. "Here. Take this," she said, holding it out to him. "It's an identification card tied to the Elder Houses and Alderaan, but no name is attached to it. Most people will recognize it, though. The credit chip is to your own inheritance account. I thought these could help make your travels... easier."

His hand was slow to retrieve the items, as if he were being passed something sacred. He noted the weight attached to the identification card before placing both lifelines in his trouser pocket. He gave his mother a nod and let himself out, turning down the hallway.

"Ben," she called out.

Halting, he glanced halfway back, only seeing her small frame from his periphery.

"May the–" She caught herself. "Be careful."

Ren stared at the floor for a moment before murmuring a 'you too,' because apparently he wasn't completely heartless.

Continuing to the hangar, he felt frazzled. Exhausted. Spent. Talking with his mother always consisted of immense highs and lows in emotion, and right now, he was feeling extremely down. How was it that his first reaction to being around her always consisted of him acting like an ass? Maybe he should–

 _No_ , he thought. She was a Republic Senator and was now leading a cause he did not fully agree with.

As his mind played through all the reasons he shouldn't trust the woman, a small part of him kept rebelling against the idea. Sometimes during situations like these, where hope seemed far away and loneliness was just around the corner, he wanted to be comforted and talked to.

Sometimes… all he really wanted was his mom.


	48. Give it Time

Finn sat in one of the small living quarters aboard the Millennium Falcon, rubbing his palms up and down his thighs. Nerves rattled, he tried not to think too much on what this exact mission would entail, but his mind broke down the weak roadblocks. It was going to take a lot of discipline to work with Kylo Ren. Hopefully during the duration of this mission, Finn's nightmares didn't come back. Last thing he needed was to feel more uneasy around the man.

But then Finn glanced at his bag on the floor, remembering what he was harboring in there.

_Man, if Ren ever found out Skywalker–_

"Finn?" A familiar voice called from somewhere in the ship.

"In here!" 

Footsteps came closer and the door opened to reveal Poe, one of the only people Finn would put his complete trust in. The pilot had both hands behind his back, hiding something from Finn's view.

"Nervous?" Poe asked.

"Me? Nervous?" Finn's eyes darted between the corners of the room. "About being stuck on a ship with a person known as the Jedi Killer? Nah. I'm totally good. Really looking forward to all the quaint conversations I'll be having with the guy," Finn rambled, and then gulped.

Poe eyed the way Finn kept rubbing his legs. "I see you've crossed over into sarcasm. Either you're in denial as to how dangerous this is for you, or you have anxiety."

"What do you think?"

"Anxiety." Poe shrugged. "You're too honest to lie – even to yourself."

Finn smiled, letting out a stiff chuckle as he clasped his hands together. "You know me so well."

"Well, I did name you. That basically makes me your surrogate father. And parents do know best." Finn laughed more freely, feeling some of the tension leave his straining neck. But he couldn't keep up the light atmosphere as both men fell into silence, the gravity of the situation weighing into them. "But seriously, you're gonna be fine, Finn."

Finn wiped at his eyebrow before saying, "You sure about that? That guy has it out for me. I don't know if any of you can see that, but he does. I don't even understand why he hates me so much."

"Why did you agree to come then?" Poe asked, walking a little further into the tight room and leaning against the small sink to the left of the door. His hands still remained hidden.

Finn stood, shaking his head as he spoke passionately. "It's Rey, Poe. It never crossed my mind to say no and it still doesn't. I'm not backing out of this. She needs help and I'm not going to abandon her."

"You don't see her differently after what she did?" Poe's tone was more inquisitive than judgmental, which Finn appreciated.

"Of course not! She just…" He inhaled deep and long. "I know she tried to kill Ematt, but what she discovered about her parents was beyond horrendous. And it didn't help that Kylo lied to her."

Poe's brows pulled slightly together. "You would've told her the truth?"

"Yes," he quickly replied. "I don't believe in treating her like a child. This whole thing could've been handled way better." Poe didn't add anything. "You don't agree?"

Poe bit the corner of his lip, looking contemplative. "Some decisions are hard to make. But if I were you, I wouldn't bring up to Ren that he made the wrong one."

"Yes, well… I do wish to stay alive."

"I wish that, too." Poe straightened. "And before you go, I brought you a parting gift of sorts." He revealed a wadded up piece of brown and red leather, and as he unwound it, Finn's mouth went agape. Truly, he was at a loss for words. "It's taken a lot longer for it to get repaired, because I wanted it to look really good."

Poe held it out for him to take, the pilot parting with it happily. Finn inspected the worn material and flipped it around to see a red strip of leather covering the evidence of it being sliced open by a lightsaber. The red hue even matched with the other patches on the jacket, making it seem like a purposeful feature.

"Whoa," was all Finn could whisper.

"Do you like it?" Poe rubbed the back of his neck. "I know it might bring back some bad memories, but it holds good ones, too. I, uh, didn't want to give up on it. It's basically the first article of clothing you've ever picked out for yourself."

Sliding his arms into the sleeves, Finn adjusted the collar and pulled the jacket straight. It felt the same as he remembered: safe and welcoming. "No, I, uh… I like it, man. It's perfect. Thanks."

Poe nodded, his smile showing his satisfaction, but then fading. "Look," he said, his voice getting serious, "when it comes to Ren, don't take any of his shit, okay? I know you're nervous about him killing you, but just remember: if he does, he wouldn't have a chance in hell with getting back with Rey. Bring her up if you get in a tight spot. Sometimes the guy needs a reminder. But I want you to know if it gets to a point where you think he's going to off you, you kill him first."

Finn shifted his weight between legs, looking confused. "I thought you were his friend?"

"In a way," Poe responded, sounding somewhat flummoxed. "But you're more important to me." He suddenly chuckled while shaking his head. "Funny– I just thought about how if it wasn't for Ren, you and I would've never met."

"That monster truly is at the center of everything."

"Sounds like a miserable life to lead," Poe said gently, glancing out into the hallway. "Oh," he suddenly exclaimed, unhooking the satchel at his belt and handing it over. Finn cracked it open to see credits, more than he's ever held in his poor trooper hands. He looked up at Poe questioningly. "No reason to be without while on this mission," his friend explained. "And… you might not be coming back here for a while. I want you to be comfortable."

"Where did you get this much credits?"

"Won a bet," Poe stated with his usual pride.

"Did this bet have anything to do with Rey and Kylo?"

"Of course. That's how I've been making the majority of my money lately."

Finn shook the credits around, trying to gage how much was in there. "What was the wager?"

Poe cleared his throat. "Who would end or ruin the relationship first. Everyone put bets on Ren, but I decided to take the gamble and say Rey." He lowered his voice. "Her, uh, actions in the recording cemented my win."

Finn blinked. And had to take a moment to make sure he'd heard that right. "But barely anyone has seen that recording."

"Some of the higher ups have a tendency to gossip. Word travels fast. Anyway, I... it felt weird to keep all that money knowing the context behind it. So I want you to take it and put it to good use."

Finn clasped it shut, holding it in his left hand as he nodded and said, "Thanks."

"Make sure to check in every once in a while so I know how you're doing," Poe lectured parentally. "And… be careful."

"I will."

Poe came forward and wrapped his arms around him. There was no back pats, no awkward chuckling or smiles. This embrace was tight and reassuring, making Finn feel like he truly mattered to at least one person… and that maybe in the end, everything would be okay.

The two men pulled back, nodding at one another. Poe clapped him on the shoulder… and then he was gone, leaving Finn to his own personal mountain of stress.

"Good luck with finding Rey," he suddenly heard Poe say out in the narrow hall. Finn moved to the opened doorway, staying off to the side so he wasn't seen. "Remember to keep your head down when being shot at. Knowing you, you'll probably run into some trouble."

Even though the response was quiet, Finn could tell Ren was giving some sort of reply. The man's deep voice was very discerning.

"Oh, and if you kill Finn, I'll fucking murder you." To that, there was no retort, but then he heard Poe add on, "Safe travels!"

Finn couldn't contain his smile. But from here on out, he didn't have anyone to lean on or team up with. That thought did the job of sobering up his expression real quick.

Man, he was going to miss his friend... just like he missed Rey.

()()()()()

Skulking through the dark, Rey neared the trading tent at Niima Outpost. One or two random scavengers still remained at the nearby cleaning stations, but other than that, all other tents were closed up for the night, the occupants no doubt counting their credits and getting ready for bed.

Setting her sights on Unkar's private living arrangement – a broken down Starlight-class light freighter in the shape of a flying wing – Rey sized up the two thugs that lingered outside the entrance. Per usual, their faces were covered in cloth, giving the brutes an air of anonymity. Plutt's employees never showed their true identities, and if they ever did, well… the Blobfish didn't employ them anymore. Jakku was an inhospitable desert graveyard; not just for ships, but for corpses as well.

As tempting as it was to beat the guards senseless, Rey knew she had to remain as incognito as possible. The First Order still wanted her dead, and every single person here would inform on her whereabouts if it meant they got paid. No, the best thing to do was to leave zero evidence that she was ever here. But if Unkar suddenly died from an unknown cause, she was sure the crime wouldn't be traced back to her.

Quickly and quietly striding up to the guards, Rey simultaneously compelled both to wonder the Outpost and to forget they ever saw her. _Too easy_ , she thought as she watched them dazedly walk away, leaving the entrance completely open.

She'd never been inside Unkar's home, but it was just as dirty and cluttered as she always imagined. So many ship parts lined the hallways that even she – lithe of figure and quick of action– had a difficult time navigating through it all. How did the Blobfish do it?

Feeling out for his vile essence, Rey immediately zeroed in on the target. But truth be told, she could've just followed the foul smelling stench she'd come to associate as Unkar's. Stars, it was so concentrated, that it stung not just her nostrils, but her eyes as well. Wiping at her face and keeping the vomit down, she settled on breathing through her mouth, tasting the revolting aroma on her tongue instead.

Coming upon his room, Rey willed the door open and stepped inside. Unkar looked up from the poorly built desk, all his attention now diverted from counting the credits stacked before him. He was still as sweaty and disgusting as she remembered.

Rey gave him a chilling grin. "Blobfish," she greeted.

Unkar went for the blaster pistol, but it flew into Rey's hand first. She looked it over with disinterest before tossing it aside. Sitting, because even with his life at stake Plutt was still that lazy, he looked her up and down, his eyes showing a hint of fear. Never once had he ever gazed at her with a modicum of distress. She quite liked it.

"How did you–"

Rey shot out her hand, constricting Unkar's throat from across the room. Rising from the chair, he hung in the air, the choking confinement doing its job of instilling terror deep within his inky heart. The gurgling and struggle gave Rey satisfaction, because now he realized she wasn't the scavenger he once knew – she was now a formidable threat.

"Confused?" Rey asked, cocking her head. "Well, let me just make the situation clear. Tell me everything you know about my parents."

"W–what?" he choked out. Rank, fetid fear poured out of him, making his body odor infinitely worse and burning Rey's brain cells. Tears unwillingly stung her eyes, but not due to the stench. Even with her plan firmly in place, something deep inside was fighting against her actions. Probably her conscience. But she refused to let the waterworks win – especially for a Crolute as repugnant as Unkar.

Rey had to be hard and ruthless if she were to get anywhere in this galaxy. Being soft, compassionate, and understanding had only brought her grief and heartache. She didn't want to be that person anymore.

How did Ben do it? The ease in which he could turn off his morals was a talent Rey needed to master quickly.

"I _know_ you know who they are," Rey said, moving closer to the Crolute. "Now you're gonna tell me. Or would you like to get a matching mechanical arm?"

She eased enough of the hold on his throat so he could somewhat spittle out words. "Th-they were galactic traders… from Dandoran." The breath that hit Rey's face was warm and smelt like a dead animal that had spent days in the baking sun. "Maridia and her family… owned the biggest trading post… on that planet."

"So you do business with the family," Rey stated, her voice becoming hopeful.

Unkar nodded his head, his hands that held his neck getting lost in the slimy folds. "Yes… I did."

"Did?" Most of the pressure alleviated, allowing Unkar to cough and take a few deep breaths.

A dribble of spit slid down his chin. "The family sold it a few years after… you were left here."

Rage trickled into her from somewhere dark and forbidden. "So you've known how to contact my family, but you never told them I was here," she said, her voice becoming unsteady.

Unkar swallowed. "Maridia told me not to tell anyone of your whereabouts. Not even her family. She said something about them being watched."

"Watched by who?"

"I– I don't know. I swear," he said quickly. "She sent me a holomessage saying her and Jacen were in Jakku's star system and they needed to drop you somewhere for a while. She sounded desperate… and she offered me a lot of credits to keep you hidden."

All that fury started to feel a lot like magma pumping fire through Rey's veins, her mind being schooled by the flame so she could embrace the heat. "Even after a few years passed, you never even attempted to tell my family I was alive?"

His eyes darted nervously. "I– I thought about it, but…"

"But I became a valuable asset," she finished for him, the words tasting bitter on her tongue.

…"Yes."

Finally, what was left of her control was rerouted to an inviting need for retribution. "You let me live on this planet for fifteen years… because I made you money." Unkar gulped, his shaking becoming increasingly worse. "You and this planet took everything from me. I think it's only fair I take something in return." Her palms slapped onto the sides of his head, making the Crolute cry out as she pummeled her way through his sanity, pushing and twisting in an attempt to reduce him to alien rubble.

But then a memory shimmered, catching her attention. Unkar was sitting in this same room, the arrangement of the furniture and ship parts slightly different than the present. Rey couldn't gage how old the memory was, but it tugged at her, making her feel like it was important in some way.

She fell into the recollection further.

A holo-image of a wealthy older man dressed in intricate robes and gold jewelry emerged from the holo-link on Unkar's desk.

"I'm cancelling the deal," the Crolute grumbled. "The girl stays here."

The older man's face tightened. "You and I have done business for how long now? Thirty years? And you're changing the arrangement without even a warning?"

Unkar waved his hand impassively through the air. "I make more money off of her over a span of a few months than I do with you over a year."

"You could have told me this before I left," the man nearly yelled. "My ship is orbiting Jakku as we speak."

The Blobfish shrugged his chunky shoulders. "I just changed my mind."

"You've proven to be too unreliable in your business dealings. This is it, Unkar. I'm cutting ties with you." The translucent image blinked and then vanished.

Plutt gurgled out a long breath as he looked to the doorway at Constable Zuvio. The alien was wearing his usual turquoise armor, his bowled helmet doing nothing to hide his pink, wrinkled skin and hideous yellow eyes. "Tell the men not to bring the girl in," Unkar commanded.

"They've already left to snatch her," Zuvio replied in a harsh gravelly voice.

"What?" Plutt yelled, banging his fists down and standing abruptly. "They weren't supposed to get her till the afternoon! Tell them to turn around and head back here."

Zuvio whipped out a comlink and voiced for the crew to return. No response came.

Unkar huffed and started to waddle over to Zuvio. "If that girl killed them, I swear–"

Rey ripped out of the Blobfish's mind, letting him fall to the floor as he held his head and sobbed, shriveling away from her presence

"You called off the deal," she whispered, shocked. True, Unkar didn't do it out of the goodness of his heart – because there was none – and more out of greed, but still… in the end, he didn't sell her to the slave traders. For years she wondered why he hadn't tried taking her again, but the Blobfish never offered up an explanation.

Rey's eyes darted around the room before settling on the monitors in the corner, the images showing a dark Niima Outpost, the place she'd associated with food, water, and survivability for so long. Whenever she'd gone there, she always kept to herself, passing the various people who circulated the area. All of them were hard and callous and brutal. And how was it she never turned into one of them?

Empathy. Rey's problem had always been empathy. From being oppressed her whole life, she saw her struggles in the way other people lived. Moved. Reacted. She wasn't cut out to live a life like these people… like Ben.

Back on the base, it had been easy to do what she'd done to Ematt because she had lived in the moment, not pausing to think. Glancing at Unkar, she saw his helplessness, the same vulnerability that had been in the major's eyes. Even after all she'd done, nothing had changed inside of her.

 _I'm still me_.

Sickeningly, Rey realized that she couldn't fix the circumstances of her past through breaking someone else. Maybe she'd just have to do it on her own.

Voice going low, but powerful, she demanded Unkar's focus and said, "You will forget I was here and not look into the credits that have gone missing."

The cries subsided as the alien fell into what looked to be a narcotic induced stupor. "I will forget you were here and not look into the credits that have gone missing," he repeated.

She grabbed handfuls of the currency and shoved it all into her satchel before running from the room, not giving Plutt a second glance.

Tearing her way through the cluttered hallways, the paralyzing self-revulsion spread through Rey's body like cold, liquefied steel, weighing her down. With each frantic step, she noticed her heavy trembling feet, her uncoordinated hands, the twitching of her legs and arms. Liquid fire burned her eyes, threatening to leave a trail of burnt flesh down her cheeks, but she fought the impulse. This was all just an allergic reaction to transitioning into a person who answered to no one, and with time, her mind would get used to the inevitable transformation.

She just needed to give it time.

_Time._

_Yeah… keep telling yourself that,_ her conscience whispered.

Using the stars as navigation, Rey made it back to the light freighter without having an emotional incident. The long walk had given her enough time to qualm the physical reactions to the unwanted feelings, but her conscience was still questioning, still fighting her on what she wanted.

Before lowering the ramp, Rey scanned the area, sensing no one around. She'd purposefully hid the ship amongst the dunes for extra concealment, knowing no one lived out there. Sand traps plagued the area, but Rey had enough confidence to traverse the terrain since she could feel through her steps when she was about to come upon one.

When Rey was younger, she'd been so proud to cultivate such a skill. Now, compared to everything going on in the galaxy, her expertise when it came to sand didn't seem like anything to be proud of. All it did was remind her of how little she'd known about life. And still did.

Onboard and in the cockpit, she piloted the freighter through a good stretch of sandy hills, her body switching to autopilot while her thoughts kept showing her the same images: Ematt and Unkar. Interesting how the satisfaction of revenge seemed to fade with time, because in the quiet that was now her life, Rey kept thinking of the woman she used to be.

She grew up dirty, battered, and surrounded by the treasures she had scavenged, knowing that others not familiar with her lifestyle would see it all as mere junk – including her. But what she didn't trade she refurbished, giving new life to the broken down and forgotten, talking to the inanimate objects like they were her pets. Even with inorganic material, she showed it the same amount of compassion as she would if she came across someone dying on Pilgrims Road. Besides, Rey couldn't always rely on her make believe friends. Sometimes they would rudely disappear for days on end, leaving her to await their return. So of course she had to find sanctuary in something that was more tangible. Ones mind always needed a backup plan as to how to hold onto a parcel of sanity.

Rey's throat closed as reality marched its way into her brains rhythm.

Bottom line, it was so much easier to address the defects in her appearance or her belongings than it was to dig deep and take a good hard look at her mistakes, her choices… her faults. Like, for example, how her hatred morphed her into a person she no longer admired.

Time wasn't going to give her what she wanted.

Landing the ship right outside what she still labeled as home, she considered the AT-AT for a long moment, wondering if the other scavengers had already pillaged what she left behind. The hours she'd spent tinkering and fixing her treasures would now fall under wasted effort.

Rising, Rey went to the refresher and stripped bare, stepping under the scalding hot rush of the water. Breathing in the dense steam, she tilted her head back, trying to relax into the massaging stream. For some reason, she wanted to look her best when she stepped inside her home, and a shower seemed the perfect way of at least accomplishing that on the outside.

_Ematt will never be able to enjoy a warm shower again._

The thought caught her off guard, more so than a blaster strike across the face. One after the other, she thought of all the simple things that man will never be able to do again: see a sunset, drink hot caf, brush his teeth, sleep soundly in a soft bed. Was he married? Did he have children? Did he miss them?

 _No, he's dead._ They're _the ones who would miss_ him _._

Rey killed someone's father. Someone's husband.

Shutting off the shower and wrapping herself in a towel, Rey turned and stopped. Looking up from the sink, she scrutinized the reflection in the glass mirror. The light from above shined through the thick mist, hitting her face in a way that made the bags under her eyes and her sunken cheeks stand out against the soft tones of the refresher. The sight was frightening, like she was seeing a ghost.

_No, not a ghost._

Turned out demons were real, and they looked like people.

()()()()()

The Falcon soared through the atmosphere, it's engines roaring and propelling the vessel toward the dark matter of space. Ren sat in the pilot seat, guiding the light freighter while trying not to give too much weight as to where he was. Leia hadn't been exaggerating when she told him this ship was among the few currently working – which had forced him to internally agree to take it. Worse, it had taken him five precious minutes to talk himself into getting on the ship. And once that was over, he'd kept his eyes down upon his boots, navigating the notable floor from his childhood memories.

Being on the freighter was tantamount to physical torture. No, it was actually worse. The body could heal, but memories lasted forever.

The trooper made an unwelcome appearance as he went to sit in the co-pilot seat, his eyes straight ahead, taking in the last fading scene of the cerulean sky before it became black. In truth, this was the view Ren loved the most: the obscurities of space, the conundrums of the universe laid out, inviting man to come and search.

He never saw the appeal or understood the obsession others had over flying a spacecraft. And being a person who drank in the feel of adrenaline, it was surprising he lacked that drive since he was so naturally talented at being a pilot. But no, he wasn't like Poe or Rey or his father; didn't really get into being able to soar to great heights or maneuver daring feats. What he did like was where flying took him: into the cosmos. Every time he viewed the stars a tingling ran up his spine, the universe conveying to him that all was made from stardust and that the mysteries he obsessed over were a part him – and with them, the answers.

_But where did stardust come from? Where was the beginning?_

The trooper cleared his throat, reminding Ren that the time for ogling the expansive wonder wasn't now. "Our previous agreement of tolerating each other still stands," Ren tersely said while working the navicomputer on preparing a route.

The guy listed forward, eyeing Ren questioningly. "You know we have to work together to find Rey, right?"

"No," he said as he initiated the jump into hyperspace, the memories of being taught how to operate the Falcon causing his irritation to steadily rise. _I shouldn't be on this ship._ "I make the plans and you do as I say."

The trooper scoffed, shifting in the seat so he was fully facing him. "Man, you would rather die than ask for my help, wouldn't you?"

_Yes._

Ren rolled his jaw, and glanced over. Immediately, he noticed the guy's new jacket. _No, not new_. It was the one the trooper had been wearing when Ren almost killed him. Ren was curious how it was fixed, but he didn't care enough to ask. "I don't need your help. Rey does. That's why you're here."

"Are you gonna let me in on this plan of yours or am I supposed to guess?"

"I find where Rey is hiding and you go and talk to her," Ren stated... as if it were obvious.

The trooper blanched. "Me?"

 _Yes, you. Who else would I be talking to?_ "I doubt she'll listen to anything I have to say."

"And she'll listen to me?"

Ren stared at the trooper for a considerable moment and thought how maddening it was going to be if the guy needed everything spelled out. "Your friendship is important to her," Ren said, trying to use his words carefully. "Way more important than I prefer it to be, but I can't change the way she feels. What you have with Rey is different from what I have with her. It's… cleaner somehow. Uncomplicated. Effortless." He deplored admitting such a thing, but facts were facts. And hopefully this would get the guy to stop asking questions. "If anyone can get through to her, it's going to be you. So you're going to follow my command and not fight me on every single decision I make. Because I don't need you to find Rey. I need you to save her. Understand?"

The trooper eased back, crossing his thick arms over his chest, peering out into hyperspace. The man remained quiet for a few contemplative seconds before saying, "You know, in a way, you're responsible for the friendship I have with her."

Ren didn't immediately respond, because he didn't see how giving said comment relevance would help lower his growing frustration. But then he thought about how the trooper should show a little gratitude over Ren giving him a best friend, and he couldn't stop the mocking sincerity from leaving his mouth.

"You're welcome."

The buckethead gave him a level stare, but surprisingly let the sarcasm go. "Fine," the trooper agreed. "I'm here for Rey anyways. Now where do you plan on searching first?"

Ren frowned. "I thought you just agreed not to be a problem."

"I asked a legitimate question. You can't just leave me in the dark as to where we're going."

Biting the inside of his cheek, Ren sighed through his nose. "Jakku."

The trooper nodded slowly, digesting Ren's response. "I was thinking we should start there as well. She probably wants to find Unkar and try to get out–"

"I don't need you to tell me why Jakku would be her first choice." Because Ren already worked it out for himself, thank you.

Shaking his head vehemently, the trooper;s voice grew sharp. "You know, I've never done anything to you. Not. A. Thing. And for some reason, the idea of even being on the same ship as me probably makes you want to destroy something – like you usually do when you get angry. I know who you are, remember? I've heard plenty about you while being a stormtrooper. And don't even get me started on what I've watched you do. But I'm here and willing to work with you so _we_ can find Rey." He paused as he straightened his backbone further. "To hell with the deal. I'm going to ask you questions and demand you tell me what's going on, because _you_ ," he pointed at Ren, "need _me_. You don't want to admit it, but you do. You lied to Rey, and from what I saw in that recording, she despises you for it. Without me, you have no way of getting through to her or bringing her back from the Dark side. Right now, I hold all the cards and you know it."

Ren's expression turned demonic, his hatred for the guy making his ears ring.

"As much as I don't like you," the trooper continued, "we need to do this together. Or you can kill me right now and try to get Rey back on your own. Your call." Finn's stare was unyielding, his jaw locked and hard. It was as if he knew he'd won the argument, which did nothing to alleviate Ren's temper.

Fingernails digging into his palms, Ren was shocked he hadn't combusted into flame already... or lunged at the man. When someone pushed him beyond the point of anger, he usually liked to seek out some sense of closure – usually of the shallow grave variety. But Poe made it quite clear there would be retaliation if the guy wound up dead. Besides, the trooper did have a specific use at the present, which Ren now regretted sharing because the guy had been perceptive enough to use it as leverage. So for now, he was going to keep _Finn's_ mortal status under the column of people-I-allow-to-keep-breathing… until-they-outgrow-their-use.

Ren stood to take his leave. "Where are you going?" the man asked, startled and still wanting an answer.

"Let me know when we drop out of hyperspace," Ren gritted out, stomping through the corridor to the room he claimed as his. Leaving was the only sensible thing he could think of doing. It was either that, or ruin the whole mission by committing murder.

Entering the muted, lifeless living quarters, he went through a pacific routine of pacing, breathing, and shaking out his arms. The width of his strides allowed him only three steps in each direction, but it would have to do since he wanted to alleviate his frustration privately.

Ren's spiraling eventually slowed, his brain no longer going through all the creative and dramatic ways he could murder the trooper and possibly get away with it. Sitting on the bed's edge, hands clutching his knees tightly, he looked around the familiar space, feeling as if he were an intruder. Even as a child, he never felt welcome on his father's ship.

 _My father's ship_. _The_ Millenium Falcon. The vessel that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs…. This ship was never going to see its owner again.

The despair Ren felt couldn't be measured through a sob, nor could an outside party perceive it through the naked eye. It was composed of the deepest roots that the soul could conjure, absorbing the words that could give it connotation. But maybe it didn't have a language, nor associate with any specific thought. Maybe all it was was a state of being, something in the spirit that the mind couldn't interpret.

This nonverbal part of him was fragmented and could never be fixed. Even if he one day forgave himself for murdering his father, the memories remained, shoved between the cracked crevices, denying them of healing.

Now, Rey had a small part of herself like that too, and Ren didn't want her to find it while being alone. Her strong spirit and compassionate heart helped him get to a place where he could manage being stuck with his regrets, and now, he believed he was capable of returning the favor.

He recalled the pureness of light that enveloped him as he pleaded to Rey not to give into her anger. And in the midst of that chaos, his soul had glowed brighter than a star, his body wrapping the warmth in the confines of his own skin, granting him a priceless gift. Why had he never felt that way in the thirty years he'd been alive? Why couldn't he feel that way all the time? What was stopping him?

The only thing that compared to it was Rey, and now she was gone.

What was he going to do without her? _Who_ was he going to be without her?

Lying upon the lumpy bed, Ren stared at the low ceiling, smelling the distant fragrance of Rey on the pillow. _She must've slept in this room…._

Heavy exhaustion zapped his strength, like the galaxy drained him of everything he had. But as much as he needed to rejuvenate, he knew it was useless.

Sleep wouldn't help him, for it was his soul that couldn't rest.


	49. Going on a Hunt

The AT-AT was Rey's sanctuary and a place of defense – where strategies were morphed, scavenging plans mapped out, and where rest was granted unto her sore body. The sturdy walls and simple space offered her so many outlets to do with as she pleased, like it was the one place she had absolute control over. So many times she reorganized the living arrangements, moving her possessions as she pretended to be redecorating her own ornate home. How many tears the ground had felt, the cries the walls must've heard, the loneliness her objects witnessed. In a way, this rusty piece of antique weaponry knew her better than anyone else. It even rivaled Ben.

Was he trying to find her? Rey didn't bet on it. The Resistance would never let him leave, and she didn't think Ben would try that hard anyway. How important could she be to him if all he'd ever done was lie to her again and again? No, the only person who'd be searching was Skywalker. Wouldn't want to lose another apprentice. Failure didn't sit well with that Jedi Master.

She had to admit, though, coming back to Jakku was a transparent choice to make. While it had its risks, talking to Plutt had been way too important to set aside for another day. With maybe a half day lead, Rey would have enough time to see her plans through on this inconsequential planet. And that included a visit to her not so distant past. It's only been about two hours since arriving in Jakku's atmosphere; she didn't see how adding on one more would hurt any.

As Rey walked up to the circular entrance, the only sounds that could be heard were the smooth displacement of sand from her weighty steps, and the soft cool breeze that accompanied the nighttime air. Overhead, the velvety black sky glinted with thousands of stars, but she didn't ogle at the beautiful spectacle. She'd seen it plenty of times before. While the days were hot and dry and miserable, the hours of darkness always showed the planets soothing side – which most refused to see. But Rey always did. She always had a knack for seeing more than what was shown.

The entry wasn't locked – she had never incorporated such security measures. If someone wanted to get into her home, they would with or without a device momentarily hindering their way. Rey's safety lied within her warrior reputation: if she was feared, no one went near her possessions.

Now to see just how far that reputation held up.

Rey opened the hatch and swung the door wide. The metal creaked under her boots, the movement resounding in the dark space of her home. There was no need to bring a portable glow light. One nod and the light orb floated to the middle of the room, illuminating all the possessions she'd been fully prepared to see gone. But they were still there.

Walking slowly, her shadow danced along the walls, casting an ominous atmosphere through the core of the trustworthy abode.

This place definitely didn't feel the same anymore. Everything was how she remembered leaving it: her cooking supplies on the shelves, her hanging bed in the corner, the small table near the center. What she once put so much value in no longer held the same importance in her heart.

Stopping in front of the wall of tick marks, her heavy eyes scanned the peculiar work of art, her fingers still feeling the trained anticipation at adding another marker of time. But she didn't go for the metal pointer on the floor. Incapable of glancing away, she just stood there.

For reasons that pained her, the hollowness of her home… in her life… seemed louder than a scream.

So she did just that. Rey screamed for what she had lost, for what she had found, and for what she'd left behind. Somewhere among the emotional frenzy, Rey had ignited half of her lightsaber, slashing at the wall as if she could erase the evidence of her abandonment. Hacking and swinging, her arm blazed with momentous fire, her back seizing from the quickly propelled movements.

Her body was the first to give out, even though she had the craving to keep going. Panting the cool air and letting it ache her throat, she disengaged the saber and crumbled to the floor, lying face up, her eyes inspecting the molten slashes of the wall.

The dust and sparks eventually settled, but her thoughts did not.

Rey realized that all sentient beings had beasts inside, but unlike Ben, she didn't feel compelled to feed it. It was preferable to have it just wither away and die, leaving her at peace. But she figured there was no escaping from the animal she'd conjured through her violent actions. It was entirely possible that the act of killing was an eternal substance, one the beast could munch on for the rest of her waking days, taking a little bite here and little bite there so it remained secretly stagnant, waiting for the eventual feast.

No, that malevolent banquet was never going to come, because she was never going to seek it out. _Promise yourself_ , she thought. _Promise you won't._

"I promise," Rey whispered to her lifeless objects, to her imaginary friends… to herself. Cause there was no one else.

It hadn't even been a full day according to the Galactic Standard Calendar and here she was, not able to live up to the paradigm of apathy. And off in her mind stood a judgmental Rey, shaking her head and looking upon her with disappointment, labeling her as weak and timid. But did it truly take strength to be remorseless? She remembered Master Skywalker telling her that the Dark side was the easy path and that the Light was more difficult to maintain, but in the end, would be more rewarding.

If the Dark side truly was easy, then why couldn't she thrive in it? Why couldn't she sustain an unconcerned heart?

But the answer was easy: she had too much light imbedded within her. While she wanted to seek out the night, the sun stubbornly never set. Rey figured that was where her and Ben differed: he slipped under the veil of darkness without difficulty, while she lived in the light effortlessly. Well, until now.

 _What does it mean to truly be a good person,_ she mused internally.

Maybe you're only truly good when you can do bad, but choose not to. _Like Finn_ , she thought. Loyal, trustworthy Finn.

Her friend was so good and strong, deserting the First Order because he knew the cause in which they fought for was evil. Truly, he had a conscience worthy of worship. Rey figured said conscience was now regarding her with revulsion. If he were ever to see her again, she could just imagine how he'd look at her.

What was his reaction when he learned of what she'd done?

It was interesting how much she worried over Finn's view of her while she didn't give Ben much thought. She didn't want to let her friend down, didn't want him to be disappointed in her or to judge her. His opinion of her mattered more than Ben's, and she concluded it was because Finn was whole-heartedly a good person, while Ben was not.

And once upon a time she was fully prepared to choose Ben over Finn? Just another example of how naïve she'd been. She'd gotten so lost in what it felt like to fall in love, that she looked past how much more important a friendship could be.

Her thoughts suddenly shifted to Mashra, one of her fellow scavengers who taught her the ins and outs of the dangerous trade. The woman was more mentor than friend, but out here, the only type of camaraderie to be found was the one that helped you find more valuable goods at the end of the day.

_Rey's young eyes were attentive as they watched Mashra at the washing table, her ears closely listening to the humanoid's scavenging advice. She hurried to scrub the pair of magnetic couplings, but her small hands didn't provide her the best grip as it kept slipping out of her hold and falling into the metal washbasin. But she didn't give up and Mashra never yelled at her. Probably because she persevered._

_The Aqualish, with her four eyes and red tusks, huffed deeply before continuing her vital lecture. "It doesn't matter if ya think you're a moment away from salvaging somethin' valuable, always leave earlier than ya think you should."_

" _But isn't finding something to trade most important?" she asked, her timid voice almost being masked by the blustering business of the bazaar._

" _Nobody will pay ya if you're dead," Mashra bluntly said, eyeing the little child. "Scavengers start to get cocky, which leads them to staying out longer and suffering dehydration. You heard what happened to Binz Scoty?" Rey nodded, remembering how he was found dead in the Graveyard of Ships, his skin blistering and his canteen empty. He had a sack full of concussive grenades slung over his shoulder, but the person who discovered the corpse claimed them as their own. Binz had done all the work, but died from ignoring his bodies progressively weakened state. "Prime example of being an idiot. Respect the desert and you will survive."_

_Little Rey went back to the scrubbing, wondering how nice it would feel to get a whole bucket of water and pour it on her hot, overworked frame. "Mashra?" she whispered._

" _Hmm?"_

" _Is it true that girls don't last long as scavengers?"_

_Mashra paused her own task of cleaning hardware before locking eyes with Rey and saying, "What numskull told you that?"_

" _Turgot."_

_The Aqualish rolled her four eyes in perfect unison as she got back to the daily chore. "Don't believe anything that comes out of that man's mouth."_

" _But… I overheard other scavengers agreeing with him."_

_Mashra's tusks quivered out of annoyance, but not because of Rey. "I'm a girl, ain't I?" Rey nodded. The alien put the scrubber down and leaned in close to the girl, her voice lowering and becoming stern. "Don't ever let one of these moronic men tell you that just because you're a girl, ya can't survive. The only thing men have more than us is muscle. But guess what? Muscles don't make ya smarter. They actually make you stupider, because over confidence makes them forget how to use their brains. And that always leads to death." Mashra regarded the young child a moment, thinking how to better explain. "Now I'm rather small, right?"_

_Rey eyed her up and down. "I suppose."_

" _And look how old I am. Ya think I survived this far only on strength?" Rey shook her head, her three little buns swaying side to side. "No, because having a keen mind is just as important as havin' physical strength. Power comes from your ability to strategize. Remember that."_

_The two different scavengers– one an aged alien, the other a small human girl – went back to the busy work of polishing their catches of the day, their movements mirroring each others without either noticing. They may be dissimilar in appearance and age, but as time went on, both would become savagely unafraid to go to war if it meant protecting themselves and what was theirs._

Bringing up memories of her mentor brought up memories of training with Luke Skywalker. The man – aged by too many wars and too many personal losses – had been a good and strict foundation for Rey when she needed it most. Just another person to add to the growing list of people she disappointed. After losing his nephew to the Dark side, Rey went and did the same thing to the old man. The Skywalker family was just riddled with so much bad luck, it made a person grateful not to be one of them.

 _Like being me is any better_ , she inwardly quipped.

Picking herself up, Rey walked over to the small stool-like table, studying the long dead spinebarrel flower in its metal cup. It had been dying before she even left Jakku, but to see its life fully dispensed made her feel like she'd somehow let it down.

"Join the club," she told the dried out plant.

Untying the hammock, Rey went about the space, placing her belongings gently onto the cloth that had always housed her tired body. Once done, she wrapped it all up and tied the ends together, dragging it to the exit. Her eye caught sight of the flower again, making her stop. She retrieved it before giving the place one last look around. It was difficult not to measure the vacant, now uninhabited home as evidence of her losses.

But one day, this place will shelter someone new, helping him or her to survive the harsh climate of Jakku. Hopefully they'll come to appreciate the AT-AT – formerly known as the Hellhound Two – as much as she did.

Back on the light freighter, Rey routed the next destination, but it wasn't to Dandoran. She needed some time to think of what to do… and to not look like she hadn't slept in a year. When she did have a reunion with her family, she didn't want them to see her like this. Hopefully some quiet time by the ocean and milking in the sun's warm rays would rejuvenate her. The healing would only be on the outside, but when it came to what she deserved, it was more than enough.

()()()()()

Lounging in the co-pilot's chair, Finn stretched out his legs as far as the space allowed, slumping and trying to get comfortable. His eyes had been closed for a good while in an attempt to alleviate the headache he acquired from looking at the blue and white swirls of hyperspace. It had been unwise to observe inter-dimensional travel for as long as he did, because he had no training as a pilot and was not used to the headache induced sight. Or maybe his eyes were just extra sensitive.

Massaging his temples, Finn hoped the migraine would ease soon. He didn't want Kylo Ren thinking he wasn't capable of doing the one task the guy had given him.

And thanks to Master Skywalker, Finn was now in one helluva delicate situation. Before departure and in secret, the Jedi had given Finn the last thing he ever wanted in his possession again: Vader's lightsaber. The very one Kylo Ren tried to kill him for.

_Unwrapping the weapon from the loosely wound cloth, Finn dubiously glanced at the saber in Skywalker's hands, his palms gingerly holding the relic so Finn could inspect it._

_Finn looked with uncertainty at the man. "Uhhhh… I don't think this is a good idea."_

_Skywalker remained insistent. "If you get in a dangerous situation, my nephew will be a lot more helpful with this weapon than with a blaster. But only give it to him if you absolutely have to. For now, keep it securely packed away."_

" _Why don't you just give it to him now?"_

_Luke's brows rose. "You want him to have a lightsaber throughout the duration of the trip?"_

_That silenced Finn for a moment. "No."_

" _That's why I'm giving it to you and not him. While he can be useful with the saber, he can also be volatile."_

_Finn was shaking his head slowly, comprehending that while Kylo was gifted with a saber, he still wouldn't want the guy to have access to one. But then again, Ren could easily kill him without such weaponry. "How do you know he won't sense it or something?" Finn asked, starting to accept this new idea._

_Luke unclasped a pair of sophisticated cuffs from his belt and activated them, causing a blue sheen of light to glow from the inside. Sliding the hilt through one of the metal bracelets, he rewrapped the weapon in the beige linen cloth and handed it to Finn._

" _This will dull the kyber crystal's power. Unless he's actively looking for it, Ben won't know it's there."_

Because Finn decided to trust the man's logic, he'd taken the bundle and hurriedly placed it underneath the few clothes he ended up packing. Now, though, he didn't seem as confident in the decision of housing an artifact Ren found so revering. If the guy ever found out about it, Finn's existence was going to be cut painfully short.

Like it almost was the last time Ren saw the cursed thing.

Just thinking about Kylo made Finn increasingly uncomfortable. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed ridiculous to be out in the middle of space with a notorious murderer. But as he told Poe earlier, Rey was out here and he didn't want to let her down. And the First Order wanted her dead. He just couldn't let that happen. The possibility of her making a mistake and getting caught was substantially high. Finn wasn't looking down on her, nor did he think her weak, but he feared she still didn't know how to survive in the unforgiving expanse of space. Put her in a desert climate and she could probably find water within an hour, but pit her against the galaxy and problems became a lot more intricate.

So if Finn had to work with the devil in order to locate her, than that's what he'll do.

 _The devil_ … Finn still couldn't grasp how Rey could be with a man like that. Like, _really_ together. He could understand why they had to work together, but adding a relationship to the dynamic seemed extremely superfluous.

"I told you to get me once the ship dropped out of hyperspace." Ren's highly aggravated voice interrupted Finn's thoughts, causing him to jump out of the chair and look at the man's ever-looming presence. "Not to stargaze and waste time."

Finn glanced over his shoulder, seeing the twinkling lights that littered the backdrop of space. He must've fallen asleep at some point, because he couldn't remember hearing the autopilots warning alarm that they were dropping out of the space-time dimension.

Ren scoffed, his disdainful eyes going to the controls as he moved to the pilot chair. "You're just as incompetent now as when you were a stormtrooper."

Abruptly, a familiar mechanical voice came from the entryway. "Excuse me, but might I inquire as to where we are going?" Both Ren and Finn flipped around, equally surprised and dumbstruck as to the sudden gold appearance of C-3PO. The droids mechanized head swiveled between the two men, waiting for an answer.

Ren was the first to compose himself, though the contempt in his tone didn't instill Finn with much confidence over Threepio's fate. "How are you even here right now?"

"I was already on board and in the engine room when you took off. And there I stayed till I knew who was piloting the spacecraft. I would think that was obvious," Threepio stated. "Since matter transportation doesn't exist, the most likely–"

"Why were you on the ship, Threepio?" Finn asked in a much kinder tone.

"Well... I came aboard in hopes of finding something to lift General Organa's spirits. Her mood has been rather glum lately. And sentimental objects can help a person be in a much more agreeable disposition. I was hoping to find such a possession on the Falcon. But then, and I'm quite embarrassed to admit it, I ended up idly strolling around, reminiscing about the past."

Finn was so preoccupied and bewildered by the fact Threepio was now here, he failed to notice the sour expression on Ren's tight face. "You don't reminisce," Kylo said coldly. "You're a protocol droid. Whatever feelings you think you have is just your programming."

Threepio didn't seem fazed by the statement as he turned slightly to Finn and said, "Master Ben always had a way with words. He mastered the art of subtly vocalizing insults at the young age of five."

A ghost of a smile played across Finn's lips as he tried to hide his amusement, but Ren failed to see the mirth behind Threepio's statement. Ren took a step forward, probably wanting to rip the droid apart with his bare hands, but was stopped as the ship abruptly went dark and quiet.

They remained still for a moment until a sharp lurch caused them all to teeter. Ren's deeply rooted frown showed his confusion, but Finn felt a strange sense of deja vu. As Kylo went for the controls, Finn climbed on the chair, peering out of the cockpit, well aware that Ren thought him ridiculous.

"The navicomputer won't respond and all systems are offline," Ren muttered to no one in particular while his hands flew over the control panel.

"Oh dear," Threepio exclaimed anxiously. "It would seem another ship has locked onto us and overridden all controls. Even life support is now–"

"I understand what it means to have controls overridden," Ren barked over his shoulder, then went back to the power board. "But it shouldn't be possible without the access codes to the ship," he whispered confusedly.

A steady stream of red light lit up the cockpit, making the two others join in with the looking up routine. "I–I know that freighter," Finn said as his heart sank all the way through the floor.

Ren was surprised. "You do?"

Finn sank back into the chair, his breathing deepening as he tried to reel in the panic. "Did Rey ever tell you about our run in with rathtars and your – and Han?"

Ren froze, and then swiftly jumped on the chair, his head almost hitting the top as he mimicked Finn's previous stance. "That's the same freighter?" he asked as they became fully engulfed into the hangar.

 _Good to know those two actually talked to one another instead of just… doing other things_. "Yep. And if I had to guess, one of the two gangs pulled out a miracle, got rid of those creatures, and is now running that vessel." Finn's mind found a foundation of focus as he called upon his training as a soldier. "Even if we killed every person who came aboard, they still have control of the ship. So we couldn't get–"

"Would they be able to recognize you?" Kylo asked as he stepped down, his face not showing a twitch of worry. For someone who was wanted by the First Order just as much as Rey, it was weird to see such… composure. Finn's head was still in the game, but at least he was sweating.

Trying to review the whole rathtar disaster proved to be tricky, because it was all a blur of mania and survival. "I don't think so," Finn answered. "Everyone was pretty much running for their lives, making it difficult to get a really good look at me."

Ren was plainly unimpressed. "Not exactly the answer I was hoping to hear, but it will have to do."

Finn went for the corridor, thinking how they needed weapons and fast. "Skywalker gave me–" But he never finished the sentence. Darkness stole his vision and senses, making him drop to the floor unconscious.

()()()()()

"I can't believe you people," Vassena angrily said from behind one of Leia's office sofas. Most of the council was compacted into the sizable office, making it feel much smaller than it actually was. Behind the desk, Artoo and Luke remained by his sister's side as his eyes surveyed everyone's body language– which he didn't need to do since he could sense their emotions: frustration. Even the ones who primarily backed Leia – Ackbar, Statura – were somewhat upset. Although, he had an inkling it was over not being in on the plan rather than letting a notorious warlord free. "This is who runs the Resistance? People who have a flagrant disregard for the law?"

Luke raised his voice. "The law is insignificant when it comes to more personal matters of the universe."

"Oh, you mean the Force, Master Jedi? This may come as a shock to you, but I am a true believer." Indeed, that did shock Luke. And apparently everyone else in the impromptu meeting. "What I don't believe or have faith in is your nephew." That was difficult to argue against since Luke struggled with the same mistrust. But if he was sure about one thing, it was that Ben genuinely loved Rey.

He just wondered what Ben's definition of "love" entailed.

Standing, Leia placed her palms on the metallic bureau and leaned forward, hovering close to the holo-image of Han. "You want to leave Vassena, go right ahead," she said, motioning to the exit.

Vassena scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Don't be stupid, Leia. I know this is the last line of defense against the First Order. My troops and I aren't going to leave. But I want you to know that I think your leadership is critically flawed." Some heads nodded in agreement, others remained still. Luke held his tongue from wanting to defend Leia. She had the tendency of viewing a male's interference as labeling her to be weak.

He didn't feel up to having that argument with her. Again. For the fiftieth time.

"And what exactly is going on with the Force?" Trend added. All eyes went to Leia, waiting for a response.

"We are here to fight the First Order," Leia reminded everyone. "Your concern over the Force is not needed."

"But Skywalker made it sound important," Vassena said as she nodded at him. Leia glanced back, giving him a glare for opening his mouth. Leia asked for him to stay and help her and if she thinks that entails him being completely under her control, she was delusional. Plus, he couldn't help getting defensive when her leadership came under question.

Tossing the idea of staying mostly out of the matter aside, Luke said, "Matters pertaining to the Force will be handled by me. But our main priority should always be focused on the First Order. An army as vast as theirs could cause serious damage that even the Force cannot mend. The loss of the Hosnian system and Order 66 is proof enough of that."

Multiple conversations fought for Leia's attention, but this time, he didn't try to intercede. His main focus remained on Vassena, watching her speak quietly to her few advisors and private security. The woman must have felt his stare. She turned and glared.

Because of how late in the evening it was, Leia asked everyone to leave so they could reconvene early tomorrow morning. This time, Trend was the last to depart.

"If that girl is ever found, she'll see the full extent of her punishment," the woman added before exiting the private office.

Leia's deep exhale lasted for what seemed like days, her shoulders sagging and her face finally taking on the droopiness of exhaustion. Rounding the wide desk, she plopped onto the sofa, letting her head fall back onto the plush support.

"Do you think Ben will be able to find her?" she whispered.

Artoo followed as Luke sat opposite her, his arms crossing over his chest. "He'll never give up till he does. He's stubborn, just like his mother." Artoo beeped his agreement.

Leia smiled, but it vanished from a sudden show of concern. She brought her head up, locking eyes with her twin. "If he gets caught by–"

"He won't, Leia," he interrupted. "He's very smart and strategic."

She nodded and then began idly unfurling her braid, letting a moment of silence enter the now composed atmosphere. "You worried about Rey?" she asked.

"Of course." He kept his mouth shut on how the Jedi part of him really didn't want to be here. Truthfully, he'd been surprised that he agreed to stay. His place was out in the galaxy, searching for his apprentice and helping her come back unto the fold.

"You hate me for making you stay."

The two of them always had a way perceiving each other's feelings. But hate? She guessed the wrong emotion for once. "You didn't make me stay, Leia. I chose to. I trust Ben will do everything he can to find her." Really, he did. It was just if Luke had a choice, he preferred to be in control of a situation.

And Leia was right that he couldn't abandon the New Republic he helped create. And who else did she have to rely on? Han was gone.

"You think he can help her?" Leia queried.

"If it wasn't for the recording, I wouldn't think him capable. But he was sincere when talking about how the Dark side lied to him. So… I think he can help her. And Finn and Rey are good friends, which can make a huge difference." He fleetingly thought of Han.

With her hair fully down, Leia itched her scalp, a small frown forming on her fine face. "It's hard to fathom that such a sweet, strong girl could go and become that person from the projection. She –" Leia froze, glancing down at the ornate blue and white rug.

"She reminded you of Ben," Luke finished.

Leia nodded, sweeping the brown locks onto her back. "Like when he was younger and would get in one of his vindictive moods."

"We all have a side like that," he reminded her.

"I just hope if she remains on the Dark side, she doesn't drag Ben down with her." Her eyes widened at hearing what just came out of her mouth. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean–"

"I know." It was understandable for Leia to think such things, but Luke couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to that statement.

"I _am_ worried about the girl," she scooted closer to the edge, imploring Luke to believe her. "It's just… Ben has been doing so much better lately. I'd hate for him to regress."

He caressed his beard while studying his sister. There was something to her tone when talking about his apprentice, something he couldn't decipher. "Are you _actually_ worried for Rey?"

Leia drew back, appearing offended. "Of course I am. I just said I was. Why would you ask that?"

"Sometimes you seem indifferent towards her."

"Indifferent?" she echoed, her pitch intensifying. "How can I be indifferent towards the person who's essentially given me back a semblance of my son?"

Luke shrugged, hiding his surprise at seeing her get so defensive. "You tell me."

She rolled her eyes, sitting back and giving out a huff of indignation. Leia never did appreciate being questioned, but Luke was willing to wait here all night if it meant getting an answer out of her.

Gradually she calmed, her focus going to the hands resting gingerly in her lap. Even guarded, she always had a way of remaining physically poised, like the princess she grew up to be. Such traits were rarely found in a General, but Leia built this movement from the ground up, so it was fully in her control to redefine the stereotype of military leadership.

And through it all, she always had a way of remaining– _what was the phrase she sometimes used?_ A royal pain in the ass.

But sitting here with her twin, she started to let some of her barriers down.

Chewing at her lip, Leia seemed to become shy. Nervous. Maybe even apprehensive. "I don't know…" she finally whispered. "I do know I'm not uncaring toward the girl."

"But there is something going on," Luke pushed.

"I guess…" Pause. "Maybe I'm envious of her."

"You're jealous?" he said, stunned. This was another example on how Luke had a hard time understanding the intricacies of female emotion. He figured Leia was starting to dislike the girl, because she was taking up too much of Ben's attention. But of course, nothing was simple when it came to his sister.

"Sounds horrible, I know. But how can I not be?" Leia threw her hands up, surrendering to how she felt. "Ben fell to the Dark side and Han tried to bring him back and didn't succeed. But then a seemingly random girl walks into his life and he completely changes everything for her? He grew up loved and in a family and isn't that supposed to mean something? Why doesn't that mean more to him?"

Luke regarded her for a moment before leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. In a steadfast voice, he said, "You're not a horrible person, Leia. And what happened to Han impacted Ben deeply and obviously haunts him. I think what happened on that bridge was the catalyst of him wanting to leave that life behind. And in my opinion, after that, he would have left the First Order even if Rey never came into his life." Luke began putting together these words in hope of comforting Leia, but the more he spoke the more he found he actually believed it.

"You truly think so?" she said softly.

"Yes, I do. And I think you're overlooking the fact Snoke has been morphing Ben into his apprentice since before he was born."

Leia sighed, running her fingers reflexively through her hair. "I know, I know."

"Don't forget he also shares a deep bond with Rey," he added.

Her eyes suddenly flared. "But what about a bond between mother and son?"

If Luke had children of his own, maybe he could relate to her, but he couldn't. "If you deny something's existence long enough, you forget that it's there." That didn't seem to quail her frustration much. "You know you should talk to him about how you feel."

She shook her head, ruffling her brown-grey locks. "Every time we talk to each other, we fall back into old habits – which involves a whole lot of bickering and snark."

"Wasn't he honest about wanting you to be a mother to him?"

"Yes… but you should have seen the delivery. It was like it pained him to admit such a thing because he thought it made him look foolish."

"He does that defensively."

"Well, it's annoying… and hurtful." Leia glanced over to the wide, metal bureau. He followed her line of sight to Han's holo-image.

"Luke," her voice cracked. "What are we going to do about Snoke? Rey is Force only knows where, Ben is off searching the galaxy, and I am stuck here commanding an army so everything doesn't fall apart." She took in a breath. "I have to be honest: If that creature ends up getting my son, I won't be able to keep going. I've been through a lot, but if I lose my child, I can tell you right now I won't be able to recover from that. Ben falling to the Dark side nearly ruined me. And then what happened on Lothal… I just can't."

Her lips quivered, eyes shining as she tried to hold in the pressure of emotion from escaping. Speaking to her in a gentle voice, he said, "We'll find a way to make everything come together, Leia. I can feel it."

Artoo whistled his support.

A knock came from the door, which made Leia wipe her face as if she'd been crying. "The same goes for you Luke. I can't lose anymore people to this war." Before he could respond, she called out for the visitor to come in. It was Admiral Statura.

"General. Sorry to interrupt so late, but Sienar Design Systems is requesting to speak with you. They want to discuss about getting X-wings manufactured for us." Statura's eyes tried to look at everything but Leia as he gave her the news. _Maybe he's too disappointed in her_ , Luke considered. But the man appeared to be more anxious than upset. There was even a tinge of sweat beading above his brow.

Leia let out a relieved breath. "Finally, some good news." She stood and straightened her military jumpsuit as she went to retrieve her purple vest from atop the desk chair. "Ready to start showing your face to the galaxy?" she asked, glancing over.

Gone was the woman who was so pained over the uncertainty of the future, for she was replaced with a leader who turned the worry into power and focus.

Their eyes met as she tied back her hair. The stare wasn't long or drawn out, but it was enough for them to share a quiet confidence between the two. Their separation had been a long one, but their frequencies still operated on a level that only the two of them could interpret. Knowing he still had that with her gave him strength in a time where it was hard to find any.

Luke stood, giving her a warm smile. "As long as you're beside me, I'll be ready."

()()()()()

Ren used the Force to put the trooper into a catatonic state, causing the man to crumble to the floor.

"Oh!" Threepio exclaimed and stumbled back. "What are you doing? Is your incessant need for violence still a problem after all these years?!"

Ren ignored that.

Hoisting the trooper's dead weight onto the pilot's seat, Ren turned and grabbed the protocol droid around the waist, dragging him down the curved corridor. Lifting a section of the mesh floor near the entrance, he ordered Threepio into the compact crawl space. When the droid didn't move, Ren grabbed one of the shiny arms and threw him into the sensor-proof smuggling compartment.

Sprinting to the living quarters, he quickly grabbed the two bags and headed back to the shrieking droid. Tossing everything at Threepio, the droid crumpled under the weight, cutting off the continuous complaining as Ren jumped inside and closed them in.

"I have never been so brutishly treated–"

Ren grabbed the droid around the neck, bringing those shiny eyes up to his impatiently twisted face. "Either you shut up or I rip you apart and throw your scrap metal parts into space. Not a word Threepio. Not. A. Word."

"But–" Ren flicked the small power switch that resided on the back of the droids neck, watching as those bright eyes blinked off and the golden body sagged. Ren inwardly scolded himself for even giving Threepio a chance to be quiet. He should've remembered that the robot never responded well to threats – it just made him more terrified.

Ren knew that from first hand experience.

The ship jostled and jerked before going silent, conveying that it had landed. The ship's internal illumination returned to full power, allowing the outside party to lower the ramp manually. Muted footsteps and voices carried into the compartment, and it was difficult to make out how many were now searching the Falcon. He could somewhat make out the red uniformed men through the netted floor, but his sight couldn't quite procure any minute details from where he was sitting. To see better, he would have to get right up against the flooring, and that might give away his position.

There was the temptation to just burst forth and go sliding down the path of a murderous rampage. But as inviting as it was to kill every person that came aboard, Ren knew that plan was highly probable to fail. He would still be left with the problem of overridden controls, which he could only fix from somewhere on the enormous freighter. Hopefully Finn being found would satiate their driven search – albeit for a little while – and give him enough time to get the Falcon back under his control. Force stunning the guy had been merciful since it was highly unlikely the gang would kill him before they got answers.

But "highly" didn't mean certainly.

Slipping into a quick meditation, he couldn't quite gage how many people were on the service deck either. Ren had been thoroughly trained in observation, excelled at problem solving, and even though he faltered at it, could successfully meditate for hours on end – setting permitting. But crammed into this tight space and joints aching from the pressure, his mind was nowhere to be found. He was like a speeder without an engine: everything where it should be, except all it was was useless potential.

Grinding his molars till his teeth throbbed, Ren actually missed the man he'd been when he was with the First Order. Yes, he had moments of extreme anger, but for the most part, his emotions had been in check, clearing up his mind to process and allow him to be objective. Now, feelings tended to supersede logic and even promptings from the Force. At least, that's how he viewed it at the moment. The mind always had a way of warping memories to make you think that the past was more agreeable than the present. Or vice versa.

No use in thinking about such things, however. He needed more of a plan, and the only one he could come up with was to play the situation slyly. Not a method he knew particularly intimately. Rey was much better at –

Nope. He couldn't let his thoughts drift to her right now. He needed to focus if he wanted to get out of this alive and with the First Order unaware of him being here.

Orders were distantly given not to kill any of the crew, and Ren overheard them finding the trooper lounging in the cockpit. They were all confused at to why he wouldn't wake, but they decided to give it a few hours to see if his condition would change. Fortunately, no one said anything about recognizing him.

"We also found what looks to be his belongings," a man said close to where Ren hid. "This was buried beneath the clothes." Ren frowned, wondering what was significant enough to report–

His hairs stood to attention as he abruptly sensed _something._

Quietly maneuvering to his knees, Ren stretched upward, his nose pushing against the cold durasteel as he tried to get a good angle on the two men above. His vision fell upon the shiny and iconic saber hilt, the one he tossed aside years ago and tried to recently kill to get back.

What he did next was completely out of his control, as if his body had become possessed by greed.

The two men dropped to the floor – dead – as the metal grating levitated to allow Ren enough room to Force pull the two corpses into the smuggling compartment. Calling the saber to his palm, he crouched back down and replaced the flooring. It all happened within a span of a few seconds, allowing him not to be seen by the trio of thugs now turning and walking down the corridor.

The small stall quickly shrunk to the size of a utility box, but Ren didn't care his knees were screaming and that he was essentially sitting on a pair of corpses. He had his grandfather's lightsaber back, its sleek hilt slightly shaking from his trembling hands. The way his eyes drank in the design and his mouth watered, he realized he still very much looked up to the legend. The power that man possessed, the vision, the brutality – Ren worshiped it all… and wanted it.

Footsteps up above brought him crashing back to reality, reminding him that the saber had been here. On the ship. The whole time. And that damn trooper had been hiding it from him. Why? How did he even get it? _Skywalker…_ Ren snatched the brown leather bag the lightsaber had been found in and discovered Force suppressant cuffs. His uncle must have wrapped the weapon with the restraints to muffle its power. If Ren weren't so wound up, he would have been slightly impressed by the whole scheme.

But why give a stormtrooper a lightsaber? It was nonsensical. That idiot wasn't even Force sensitive; he wouldn't even be able to utilize the weapon to its full extent!

A thick, male accent rang throughout the Falcon, the man making it known he was clearly agitated. "Where are Beemedr and Yoston?" Ren glanced down, figuring the lifeless bodies were the aforementioned men. "They commed me and said they found a lightsaber onboard, and now none of you can tell me where they are." Voices talked over one another, and they continuously grew louder as they rounded down the hallway. "Contact the First Order immediately and double security on the ship," the leader ordered as they passed right above Ren, going straight to the exit. "There's only one person in the Solo family who would possess a lightsaber, and the First Order would pay a lot to whoever found him."

Ren inwardly let out a long stream of curses.

Seeing how anonymity no longer mattered, his initial plan was now useless – thanks to the trooper and, by extension, Skywalker. Fine. He could adapt. He's done it before. This wasn't the first time he'd chosen the wrong plan. And since time was now of the essence, he would have to go back to the basics he knew best and stop with the hiding.

Ren smiled as he stroked the saber hilt with his thumb. He was the type of person who didn't shy away from the gruesome nature of violence, but welcomed it. In reality, being brutal gave you so many things that were not readily available to the vast majority of the public, even though you'd think most would be eager to live a life based on entitlement. But, as the saying went: Everyone wanted to eat, but few were willing to hunt.

And as it just so happened, Ren was starving.


	50. Can I Have A Better Team?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, when I started writing this story a couple years ago, Kelly had been cast in TLJ, but her character was not known yet. Hence why when she is introduced in this chapter, her name isn't Rose and her character is completely different. But just imagine Kelly as the character Caliiya, cause that's who plays her in this story!

Finn noticed the smell before his other senses had a chance to catch up.

It hit the back of his throat with a sting of a thousand knives, its pungent odor a torturous mixture of sewage and rotting flesh. This shock to the olfactory nerves launched him the rest of the way to consciousness, his eyes popping open and his hand immediately covering his mouth.

Jumping to his feet, Finn looked for reprieve, but found to be locked in a sizable holding cell. The metal walls were smeared with some type of clear, dry substance, its crusty appearance texturizing every inch of the room. The coated floor crunched under his boots as he moved around frantically, making his way to the huge door. Only a small, rectangular window gave him view to the outside. Once Finn was able to focus his vision, he realized where he was.

And what was behind the rancorous smell.

_Rathtars. This is where Han kept the rathtars._

Upon making that discovery, Finn retched in the corner, no longer able to keep his roiling stomach calm. Breathing hard between each lurch, his throat burned and his eyes watered to the point of tears.

"Best to get it all out now," came a muffled feminine voice. "I kept throwing up for two hours and it was a nightmare. At least, I think it was two hours. I'm without a chrono in here."

Finn froze and shivered, but not from the vomiting. That voice… was lovely. The musical lilt of her tone, the cadence in which she spoke, the faint accent in her words, he'd never heard speech so mesmerizing before. He could listen to whomever this was talk all day… and that was when he figured he'd gone crazy. Since when had a noise ever affected him so much? Beauty was found with the eyes; ears couldn't pick up on that sort of thing.

Right?

Inhaling and exhaling deeply, he wrapped his arms around his midsection, trying to find the source of the voice. "Over here," she said, making Finn turn around to the wall right of the door. "Some of the grime might be blocking the vent. Look toward the bottom." As Finn stepped closer, he noticed a small opening covered by a mesh metal shield. Kicking it with the toe of his boot, the crust crumbled away.

Finn knelt down, trying to peer through the guard, but saw nothing. "Don't bother trying to see me. The vent winds through the side." He was disappointed over not putting a face to that voice. "That's probably why I sound so far away, but really, I'm on the other side of this wall."

"Who are you?" he asked directly into the vent. Maybe he should ask her what she looked like–

_Stop it. That would be weird._

Her voice turned bitter. "Someone who's soon to be dead. Who are you?"

Training told him not to reveal himself to a stranger. "Someone who will probably join you."

"Don't want to tell me your name?" she asked teasingly.

Finn smiled, which was a remarkable feat given the atmosphere. "I asked you first."

She chuckled, a noise that was more than welcoming. "Fair enough."

Finn adjusted his position, sitting against the wall and next to the opening, his head angled downward. "Can you answer how you came to be locked up next to me?"

"Made a deal with Bala-Tik. One of my many mistakes." He heard shuffling and envisioned her in much the same position as him. "I did what he asked... it just took me longer than the deadline to deliver. Though, if you want my opinion, I think he just doesn't want to pay me. What about you? How'd you get in here?"

Finn's face shaded with anger. "I have a feeling my partner is behind that."

The woman gave out a descending whistle. "Ouch. Never a delightful experience being betrayed by a friend."

"He isn't a friend," Finn said quickly. "But I thought we shared a common goal."

"Allegiances change all the time."

"His changes more frequently than he kills people."

"Who's this partner of yours?"

Finn sighed, knowing he was talking too much. "Nobody important. Just a murderous sociopath."

"And you're traveling the galaxy with him? I question your decision making."

Finn chuckled. "Me, too."

The thick door opened, admitting a man in a dark uniform followed by four masked guards. Finn recognized the leader of the Guavian Death Gang from his thick, sharp accent.

The man towered above him. "Why do you have the Millennium Falcon?"

Nothing.

"How is it we found you unconscious in the cockpit?"

_Kylo Ren used his Force tricks to knock me out. That's how._

Impatient, Bala-Tik nodded to the guards, two of which rough handled Finn to the middle of the room, holding tightly onto his arms. "Let me explain how this is going to work: you answer the questions, and I think about maybe letting you live. Silence isn't going to help you in this situation. If you don't talk, we'll find a way to make you."

Finn tightened his jaw.

Bala walked closer, the sweat on his brow dripping down his temples. "The Falcon is Han Solo's ship. That man owes me a great deal of money and is responsible for killing a third of my crew."

Finn faked his amazement. "One man killed all those men? He must be a legend."

The blow to the gut was swift and competent, forcing the air from Finn's lungs. The two guards held him up as his legs went weak.

Bala massaged his knuckles. "Hardly. He got lucky. As usual. Where is he?"

"Who?" Finn asked, glancing up.

A vein popped out from Bala's forehead. "Han. Solo. Is he with the Resistance? Or are the rumors true that he's dead."

"Maybe he's a ghost. I've never met him."

"Care to explain how you have his ship?"

Finn acted remarkably indifferent. "I won it in a game of sabaac."

"Where were you gambling?"

"Elerion. At the Lucky Star casino." The only casino Finn was even aware of.

Bala narrowed his stare. "Who did you win it from?"

"Sorry." He wasn't. "We didn't really swap names."

The man wasn't amused, as shown through another hit to the abdomen. Finn groaned and then snarled, drawing his lips back. "You know what I think?" Bala asked, wiping at his face. "I think the Falcon was at a Resistance base, and for whatever reason, you're flying it around the galaxy. Probably on a mission, but I honestly don't care. What I do care about is who your shipmate is."

"I work alone," Finn said, deeply.

"Really? The Millennium Falcon is a difficult ship to man alone. And if Han Solo were truly dead, who else would have the freighter other than his son?" Finn kept his expression blank, but on the inside, his heart skipped a beat. "The Resistance made it clear he defected from the Order and was now on their side. So while I highly doubt you could fly such a ship on your own, I would think Kylo Ren certainly could. Or does he go by the name Ben Solo now? I'd wager you know."

"As I said, I won the ship and pilot it on–"

"The First Order would pay a lot of money to the person who returned the Supreme Leader's apprentice." Bala was now mere inches from Finn's face. "And I gotta be honest, I'm in desperate need of that money. If you tell me where he is, I could cut you a little share."

"Yeah, like you promised to pay me?" the woman's voice interrupted, causing everyone to glance at the vent. "Don't listen to him! You're dead either way!"

"Shut up, Caliiya!" Bala shouted, his face contorting. "Don't think I've forgotten about you. I'm–" Alarms sounded throughout the corridors, the red of the spinning light casting an intermittent glow into the filthy cell. The guards rushed out, leaving Finn swaying to stay upright.

Before exiting, Bala-Tik turned and pointed at him with an air of authority. "We're not done yet."

 _Where have I heard that before..._ "See you soon," Finn countered, not missing a beat.

Barrier shut and dulling the sirens outside, Finn guided himself carefully to the corner and kneeled down, grunting from the pain of his bruised abdominals.

"You doin' okay?" Caliiya softly asked.

"Yeah."

"I take it those alarms are because of your partner."

Finn closed his eyes, breathing deep and slow and wanting to just listen to the smooth timbre of her voice. He needed an escape from the reality he was in. Just for a little while. "Most likely."

"You think he's coming to get you?" She sounded hopeful, wishful even.

But Finn wasn't going to lie to her. Leaning his head back against the wall, he said, "That is less likely."

His response killed the conversation… which he should've anticipated better.

_Good job._

()()()()()

The security rounds were becoming more sporadic and less fluid as time went on, allowing Ren to get a good feel for timing his escape. He'd only been in the smuggling compartment for about an hour, but it felt like days had come and gone while in the tight space.

At least he had enough time to change into one of those red suits, via one of the corpses.

An alteration in apparel would make it harder to be noticed, but getting into the garb had almost given away his location multiple times. Ren was not a contortionist by any means, and he was probably the least flexible man in the galaxy – thanks to his bulk – but somehow, he'd squeezed and floundered his way into the tight crimson and black suit without getting a concussion or making too much noise.

If only leather had more give.

Black armor on his shoulders and belts strapped securely around his waist and thighs, he holstered a blaster and stuffed the saber under the dark armbands. Studying the circular mask, he slid the apparatus onto his head and adjusted it into place. The spherical opening offered him poor visuals, but it wasn't like his own mask was any better. Helmets such as these were used more for an eerie façade rather than practicality. Fortunately in Ren's case, the Force made up for the impairment.

Mostly.

Still, the whole outfit was wedging itself into places that were not suitable for visual consumption. At least his feet were comfortable since he opted to wear his own boots.

Even disguised, he was picky about his footwear.

Finally finding a lull in the security rotation, Ren jumped from the hidden compartment, adjusted the uncomfortable leather, and casually walked his way right off the ship.

Blending in by acting collected, he passed a few thugs stationed at the bottom of the ramp, all the while surveying the decent sized service deck. Cargo bins of various sizes lined the walls, but Ren's focus immediately fell on the nearest control panel. Walking up to it, he initiated the console as images of both the freighter's interior and exterior materialized. Looking briefly around, it didn't seem like anyone was paying him any heed, but he knew the longer he stayed there, the more someone would become suspicious.

Scrolling past the security footage of empty cargo rooms and outside visuals, he suddenly stopped on a familiar image of the trooper. Reading the monitor's location – corridor 1745B – he cursed at how non-specific it was. That holding room could be anywhere on the large vessel and Ren didn't want to idly walk around till–

"Something you trying to find?" a guard asked as he walked up to Ren's right. Slowly, Ren shifted his gaze.

"We aren't supposed to–" The man stopped mid-sentence, his muscles visibly tensing underneath all that leather. "Yoston?" He moved closer to Ren. "Everyone's been trying to find you? Where have you been?" That was when Ren noticed a subtle mark on the man's shoulder, which Ren assumed was the insignia of the Guavian Death Gang. But it didn't match the one on Ren's uniform.

These symbols represented a person, not a group. Made sense. You had to be able to identify these people somehow.

"Around," Ren spoke in what he hoped sounded like a universal tone.

It wasn't.

The guy stepped back, the helmet bobbing up and down, giving him a once over. Ren sensed the man's anxiety spike. Before he had a chance to yell and give up Ren's position, Ren coolly and controllably said, "Everything is all right. There is no need to alert anyone to my presence." The criminal relaxed and repeated Ren's commands. "Now I want you to look at this monitor," Ren pointed to the image of Finn, "and tell me how I can get to this room."

Ren attentively listened to the directions while keeping a close eye on the others. One was starting to pay the two of them too much attention. "Where are the main controls for this ship located?" As the thug explained, Ren saw the curious one finally start to make his way over.

"When I leave, kill everyone in this hangar." Ren didn't stay to hear his command repeated, but he didn't need to. He felt the thought take hold. Turning, he ran through the circular exit and took the first left just as he heard the sounds of blaster fire and yelling.

Ren didn't stop to regard those who ran by him, heading straight for the mayhem. His focus was on getting to the main control station as quickly as possible. The lock on the Falcon had to be undone if he was to get off this freighter before the First Order showed up.

Upon entering the station, Ren killed the man helming the controls and moved him off to the side. With haste, he ignored the banks of instrumentation and went straight for the main monitoring systems. There were clear views of Guavian members running down long corridors, the fight that was currently happening in the hangar, rooms filled with cargo or that were empty…. Ren disengaged all monitors and entered in a code that would make it impossible to get them back online without him. Pivoting, he went to the manual operating system and wiped the access codes. They'd been entered in months ago – probably by his father – and saved, which explains how the gang was able to take control of the Falcon.

With two tasks done, he headed off to the next, hurrying down passageways. Typical of a ship owned by Han Solo, the decrepit walls and haphazard paint job made it appear like the vessel had lived through better days. Hallway and room indicators were mostly faded, making Ren squint so he could make out the basic directions. A few times, thanks to his frantic pace and hindering headpiece, he bumped and tripped over random piles of gear and crates, the loads unorganized and sticking out from the corners and walls.

But all things considered, everything was going surprisingly well. Obstacles were not greatly hindering his time, and he hadn't even killed that many people. Well, that is if he didn't count however many fell victim to the massacre in the ship bay. Should those people be included in his calculations?

Probably.

Ren was treading through dark territory the more he justified his actions. But any one of those criminals wouldn't have hesitated to turn him over to the First Order, which essentially meant his death. So was he justifying, or just being realistic?

Whichever it was, he refused to deviate from one of his most fundamental survival beliefs: Shoot first, ask questions never.

He learned _that_ from his father.

()()()()()

"Your partner really Kylo Ren?"

Finn didn't respond. Nor did he glance up when a tap came at the door. Only when the tapping turned to pounding did he give the sound his attention. Why was a guard knocking at the heavy barrier?

The person grabbed at his mask and revealed himself to be a very disheveled and sweaty Kylo Ren. Finn jumped to his feet and nearly pressed his nose to the rectangular window, worried that his eyes were playing tricks on him.

"You're still here?" Finn asked in disbelief.

"Do I strike you as someone who takes the easy road?"

"Yeah, actually, you do."

Ren gave him a flat stare before stepping back and looking at the oversized, triple-reinforced port. Finn watched him touch the panel, seeming disappointed.

"Well?" Finn said, growing impatient. "Open it already."

"I can't." Finn's heart sank. "They have a blocking sheath over the electrical cables in the door that prevent me from doing so."

"If you leave me–"

"Move away." Ren gave Finn only a second of reaction time before a section of the door started to glow red, the rising heat resonating through his clothes. Finn jumped back as a blue plasma blade shot through the metal, arching into a circle to cut out a decent sized section of metal.

The durasteel fell to the ground as Finn stood to the back, frozen. Ren peered through, looking annoyed. "I'm rescuing you, in case you were confused as to what I was doing."

Finn swallowed, exiting the rank room while never taking his eyes off of the saber in Ren's right hand. "I see you got that lightsaber back."

Ren regarded the weaponry for a moment. His features remained remarkably blank, but his eyes gave away his ire. "Thanks to you."

"Look, your uncle–"

Ren turned and started walking down the passageway. "We can talk about it after we get out of this."

"Hey!" Caliiya shouted, her face looking out of the murky window of her cell. She pounded at the enclosure. "Don't forget about me! You said you'd help me get outta here!"

Finn moved to the access panel, pressing at the buttons in hopes something would happen.

"You're on your own, lady," Ren said from behind.

Finn wheeled around to see Kylo continuing his journey down the corridor. "Wait," Finn half yelled, half whispered as he ran up to him. "We can't just leave her here."

"Yes, we can."

Grabbing at his arm, Finn's grip slipped as Ren twisted out of it, his black and gutless stare pinching. Finn stepped back, giving Kylo some space before the guy killed him. "Bala-Tik is going to kill her," he explained.

"It's not our problem."

Finn shook his head before turning back to help Caliiya. There was no way he could get through that door, but if he could get into the sub-accessway, maybe he could remember how Rey opened the doors the last time.

"What are you doing?" Ren asked.

"If you won't help her, then I will."

But before Finn could unlock the hatch, Ren ignited the lightsaber and brusquely walked up to the barrier, carving out an opening. Finn hadn't been expecting Ren's compliance, but he pulled together his surprise as he helped Caliiya out of the rather small hole.

"Thank you," she whispered as she straightened her midnight blue jacket and brushed at her dark figure forming slacks. "I was starting to think I'd die in there."

Finn couldn't stop his eyes from widening as he took her in. Her black hair and bangs contrasted perfectly against her pale, delicate skin. The sharpness of her jawline and cheekbones accentuated her femininity, as well as her single folded eyes. But out of all of that, Finn always came back to her lips, watching her mouth move as she spoke.

He was chained in place.

And then Ren's voice snapped him out of the spell. "You still could. Die that is."

The alarms stopped, casting the area into deafening silence.

Her eyes grew an edge to them as they shifted to Ren, sizing him up. "What a lovely personality you have. Who'd ya kill for the suit?"

"Yoston." Neither Finn nor Caliiya had been expecting an answer.

The circular portal down the far left of the hall suddenly opened, a quartet of gang members walking through and then halting. A second came and went as both groups stared at each other before blasters were raised, firing at the newly escaped prisoners.

Finn and Caliiya dove into the cell as Ren ignited the saber, his feet staying put as he deflected shot after shot. If Finn had a blaster–

Ren grabbed the pistol from his thigh holster, tossing it through the small opening. He caught the weapon with precision, his finger already on the trigger as he got down low and fired from a protective position. Finn hit two in the chest as Ren ran at the two remaining men, dismembering one and impaling the other.

The scene went quiet as nobody moved, all three of them listening and waiting to see if any more would join the slaughter.

No footsteps came; no doors were opened. Ren disengaged the blade.

It was Finn who broke through the silence first. "Okay, we should start coming up with a plan to–" Ren abruptly turned and walked past Finn, going for the holding room at the far end. Ren stilled, his eyes widening as he looked inside. "What are you doing?" Finn caught up to him and immediately mirrored Ren's shocked expression.

Ren went to work carving out a portion of the door, this time making it noticeably bigger than two he'd done for Finn and Caliiya. Carefully, Ren levitated the segment and placed it against the wall.

Two Wookies were huddled in the corner, both staring at them with apprehension. By their smaller than usual size, Finn figured they were children according to Wookie standards. And what Finn meant by smaller in size was that they were his height. Maybe a little taller.

Finn took a few calculated steps inside, getting a better look at the matted hair and dried blood streaked along their brown fur. If they weren't already against the wall, they would have backed away from his approach.

"Don't get any closer," Ren ordered, hunched over and peering inside. "Just because they're children doesn't mean they're weak."

Preferring to keep his limbs, Finn kept his distance and asked, "How did you get here?" But they just stared at him, holding onto one another.

"Leave them," Caliiya said as she walked over, steps clanking on the walkway. "They're too afraid to be useful." Just as she came into view, the Wookies tensed and roared, both of them talking over the other in their own native language.

Confused, Finn held up his hands in an effort to settle them down. "I– I don't understand what you're–"

Quick shuffling and a groan came from behind, and when Finn flipped around, he saw Ren pinning Caliiya against the outside wall, her feet dangling as Ren held her by the throat. She was kicking and clawing and trying to get free, but Ren didn't seem to register the blows.

"Let her go!" Finn yelled as he ran to the opening, but he didn't get far. Invisible energy threw him back a few feet, his back sliding against the dried substance of the floor.

"You're the reason they're here," Ren snarled. "You followed their family as they traveled the galaxy and snatched them when the parents weren't looking."

Finn climbed to his feet and exited the cell at a less aggressive pace. "What?"

"Bala-Tik made a deal with her," Ren continued, his icy cold anger scaring even Finn. "Wookies still run a high price on the slave market. In exchange for these two, she would receive a small cut and her debts to him would be forgiven. But it took you longer than you thought to get them." Ren glanced at him. "She's a bounty hunter, and she knows who you are."

Finn looked at the woman he was so transfixed by struggle to breathe. He was momentarily flummoxed, his tense body unmoving save for his wide eyes and shallow breaths. Finn knew he should feel unsure on what to do next, but he wasn't. "Put her down."

Ren gaped at him. "Did you hear what I just said? The only reason she knows who you are is because the First Order has an exclusive bounty on your head."

Finn couldn't think about that right now. All he wanted to do at that very moment was focus on not watching this woman die. "Yes, I do understand. Put her down." Kylo didn't move, and Caliiya's gasps were becoming fewer and far between.

Finn stepped closer, knowing he couldn't match the man physically. So talking it was. "Ren, we don't have time for this. We need to get out of here. So if there was ever a time not to do something rash, now would be it."

Ren's mouth twitched. "My time is later."

 _Reasoning with this oaf is like talking to a duracrete wall._ "Later is now. And you know Rey wouldn't want you to kill out of anger."

Ren's grip became so tight, Caliiya's breathing completely stopped, her face going blood red and bloating from the pressure. Just as Finn was going to step in, Ren tossed the woman to the ground, his eyes remaining fixated on the wall. Finn knelt next to Caliiya, holding her shoulders as she gasped and coughed for air.

Finn shot him a glare. "You need to learn to control yourself."

Ren glanced down at them. "She looks alive to me," he retorted as he turned his attention back to the two Wookies. He disappeared into the cell, but Finn kept his attention on Caliiya as she tried to breathe through her nearly crushed windpipe.

"Are you hurt?" he asked, realizing the question was a stupid one.

"No," she croaked, massaging her neck.

"Is what he said about you true?"

Caliiya glanced away, seeming almost embarrassed, but eyes remaining hard. "Yes. Gonna let him kill me now?"

Well… this complicated his life. A bounty was the last thing Finn needed while roaming the galaxy and searching for Rey. Why didn't the Resistance tell him about this? Did they even know? Maybe not, seeing how Ren said something about it being exclusive. The First Order would only want the best of the best looking for him, and if Caliiya was part of that group, he wondered what she was capable of.

But he couldn't leave her here to survive on her own. "No," he said, hoisting her up with him. "You're getting off this ship with us."

"Why?"

Finn had a feeling from the way she was looking at him, she wasn't used to being offered help. _When will people stop leaving each other behind in this galaxy?_ _It's all anyone ever expects now._

Before Finn could answer, Ren reemerged with the two humanoids in tow. "The Wookies are coming with us." Ren pointed at Caliiya, his hostility more than palpable. "If you even look at them wrong, I break a bone in your body. Understand?"

Great. Everyone in this newly formed group was either dubious of the other or hated someone. Finn didn't completely trust Caliiya or Ren. And Ren didn't like him or Caliiya. The Wookies looked to be afraid of them all.

Not exactly what Finn would call an efficient ground unit.


	51. Trust Could Lead To Betrayal

Lounging on one of the soft beaches of Spira, Rey had her boots off, her toes wiggling in the warmth of the white powdery sand. It wasn't the shoreline Rey had experienced before, but the one on the opposite side of the island. Here, she waited for the silent reveal of the sunrise. She arrived just in time to see the view.

Rey always loved early mornings. It felt like the rest of the world was still fast asleep and she was the only one awake. For a while, everything felt like it wasn't real and she would forget her problems, because for now it was just her, the world, and the break of day.

But beauty and peace only lasted for a couple moments. It was the sunrise who taught her that.

Even after the dawn had passed, Rey stayed put, hoping the magic of the warm rays would keep her from thinking too much. But of course, distractions only got her so far.

Today, her mind decided to torture her with memories of her childhood.

Rey hadn't just grown up in the wrong part of Jakku, but the downright dangerous section of the galaxy. She'd been terrified every night because she'd been scrawny and weak and defenseless as a child. Finding people to work for gave her time to grow up and become strong, to the point where she became feared. But no matter how much muscle she packed, every day was the same, every day she bargained for food and almost died on numerous occasions. The door that separated her from death and starvation had seemed thin as paper and somehow, she had survived. And through all that turmoil and loneliness, her dreams remained.

She had wanted to do good in the galaxy. Part of her still did.

She had wanted to find a family, have a mother and a father, be part of a clan. That scenario was now torched.

She had wanted to fall in love and be with a man.

Didn't anymore.

Rey was beginning to understand that emotions in the heart were much like tendons in the body. You could pull and pull and pull till you felt the pain of the stretching, and up to a point, the ligament would still function. The attached limb would bend, rotate, and support the weight and remain useful. But the constant pressure had its limits, like everything else in life.

Rey had snapped. And she was damn sure there was no physical way to fix it.

After a lifetime of feeling ungrounded, of floating through the last fifteen years with only false hope to hold her in place, she'd been given a glimpse of what she always wanted, only to have it torn apart by a lie of omission. Yes, the thing affecting her most was the truth of her parent's death, but why didn't Ben sit her down and explain everything to her? Why did he have to keep secrets? He had lied to her one too many times, and this time just so happened to be the final blow that broke her faith in him and the life they were forming together.

And yet... Rey missed him with an ache that made no sense, considering how they left things.

Rey groaned.

She was really getting sick and tired of everything always circling back to Ben. It was getting more difficult not to think about him as time went on.

Brushing off her feet, Rey slid her boots back on before standing and wiping the sand from her clothes. She ventured to the other side of the island and found the pathway leading to the city. Through the journey, her loneliness was more prevalent, making her feel how she did on Jakku.

But she'd spent a lot of years walking this particular stretch of isolation; just because she was doing it on a different planet was irrelevant.

Rey didn't enter the village. The last time she was there, things had ended rather violently. So she would wait for the concealment of nightfall before visiting the town she held so dear. Keeping along the outside wall, she didn't mind taking the chance to study the foliage, thick verdant vines, and–

_Is that a house?_

Seeing what appeared to be a see-through rooftop, she moved closer, realizing that it was extremely low to the ground. Dirt steps lead down to an underground wooden door, layers of brick lining the front. Going around the t-shaped border, she peeked inside, but was blocked by too much condensation on the glass. Still, she could see a wide array of colors down there.

Rey walked down to the door and quietly went inside.

The humidity was considerably worse, but Rey hardly noticed against the vibrancy of the place. Eyes wide with wonder, she gazed around, seeing plants of all different textures, sizes and colors. Most she didn't recognize. There may be more beautiful showcases of nature in the galaxy, but so far on her travels, this was definitely rivaling for the top of her list.

Well, it wasn't like she'd done much exploring to begin with, nor had she seen such wild flowers before.

But she knew enough to know there weren't just flowers in this place: mushrooms were sectioned off in a dim corner, an array of plants wearing a thick coat of needles sat atop a table to the side, and the small trees toward the back had leaf shapes Rey never knew was possible. This whole place was a collection of nature's beauty and oddity, and it was overwhelming to be standing amongst so much life.

"What are you doing here? This is private property." A small man – belonging to the species Bimm – stepped out into the aisle, his long, dark beard barely stroking the floor. His overall appearance was quite disheveled, his unkempt hair almost hiding the pointy ears underneath. His dirty robes and hands gave him away as the owner of the conservatory. That, and the fact that he looked at her as if she were a robber.

Rey glanced around quickly, now realizing why the tables were knee high. "I'm so sorry. I– I didn't mean to intrude."

He wobbled closer, his nasally voice saying, "But you are intruding."

Rey gulped. "I, uh..., yes. I guess I am."

His stare wondered up and down her frame, eyeing her suspiciously. "You a tourist?"

Well, Rey figured she was. "Yes. A tourist. I was just… I was taking a walk around the island when I saw this oddly shaped building in the distance. I, uh, got curious."

The Bimm raised a bushy brow. "Uh-huh. This 'oddly shaped building' is a greenhouse."

Rey had read on a lot of subjects, some more useful to her survival than others. But she never came across the concept of a greenhouse. "A greenhouse?"

The man gawked at her obvious confusion before his features marginally softened. "You don't know what that is?"

Her eyes darted and she reflexively started to twist her fingers. "I grew up in a desert and my education was... well, you could say minimal."

Recognizing her embarrassment, the Bimm said in a lighter tone, "Education isn't everything. My family started in the horticulture business and none of them went to school."

Rey glanced up. "They didn't?"

He shook his head. "Nah. They were all self-taught botanists."

"And you?"

"Name's Garov, and I actually went to Garqi Agricultural University for a degree in botany. You should have seen my parents when I told them. Our knowledge has been handed down from generation to generation. 'You don't need no school to teach you how to love nature.'" The Bimm said in a lower, sterner voice. He chuckled at the memory. "My father never understood why I had to go."

"So your shop has been in your family for a long time?"

"Oh, no," he said, grabbing a dirty towel from the long middle table, wiping at his hands. "I wanted to branch out, start something new on my own." He fanned out his stubby arms, cloth swaying. "Ended up here, where I put my knowledge to good use. Drove out my competition, too. Now I have multiple shops all across Spira."

Rey spoke while glancing around, drinking in the marvelous plant life. "This is where you grow all your plants then?"

The man was amused by her assumption. "Not quite. This is my personal greenhouse. The one for my business is on another island where there is more room to expand. Khalon is a very small place."

There was a pause before Garov asked, "Would you be interested in seeing a very rare flower?" Rey lit up immediately and nodded. He motioned for her to follow. "Decades ago, I labored at Emperor Palpatine's personal skyhook. Right after the Empire fell, but before the Rebellion got to the Imperial Palace, I took the floret and came here. I was lucky it survived the journey."

"I thought–" Rey snapped her mouth shut, not wanting to offend the Bimm.

Halting, he wheeled around. "You thought what?"

"Well, wasn't the Emperor prejudice against all living beings that weren't purely human?" Rey hated saying such a thing out loud, especially since she might be related–

_No. The New Republic was wrong. I'm not related to that monster._

Or were those thoughts just denial?

"Ahhh. How did a Bimm like me come to work for him, you mean?" Garov pursed his lips, thinking back, remembering. "It's because I wasn't working for him. Think of it more as slavery. He only wanted the brightest botanists in the galaxy." He paused, voice fading. "I was taken and forced to be there."

Rey bit her lip, regretting bringing it up. "I'm sorry. That's horrible."

Garov shrugged. "It is what it is, and it was a long time ago." He continued waddling along. "At least I got my most valuable possession out of it."

Turning a corner, he stopped and pointed to a plant that came all the way up to Rey's shoulders. "So this is it – the alpharas flower," Garov said proudly, all sense of sorrow now gone. "It only blooms once every hundred years. Unfortunately you came two years too soon, but isn't the peduncle and sepals gorgeous?" Rey guessed he was talking about the outside, and truly, the shimmering green was of nothing she'd ever seen before. It was like the plant donned hundreds of emerald crystals, demanding every ounce of her attention. "It's extremely rare. They're native to only a single small island in the middle of the Alkaline Sea on the planet Durace. Of course, that meant the Emperor had to have one. Took years before one survived the journey to the palace."

Rey had been quiet for a while, absorbing everything to memory. "It's… breathtaking," she finally whispered. "Sad it's not blooming, though."

Garov grinned, taking satisfaction out of her mesmerizing gaze. "Sometimes the most beautiful things in the universe can only be seen for a short while."

Rey glanced down. "Can you tell me more about all the flowers you have?"

His forehead creased from surprise. "You want to know about all these? Botany isn't the most exciting subject."

"But this place is heavenly," she pleaded. "I've never seen so many colors. I never even knew this many different plants existed."

The Bimm shifted his sights back on the alpharas, his hand stroking at his course beard. "Well, if you're truly interested, I guess I can give you a tour."

Rey jumped from excitement, startling the little man. "Yes, please. A tour sounds great!"

Garov let out a hearty laugh, his eyes lighting with excitement. Clapping his hands together, he looked around, finding where to start first. "Alright." They moved down the aisle. "Over here is the pyro flower, which are actually pretty common in gardens. Beautiful, blood red color, but not atypical. And then this one is a dew flower. Its petals can be mixed with groundapple to make juice. Really quite delicious. Oh, and this one…."

It wasn't enough just to gaze at the beautiful plants. Garov must've noticed the unrest in her eyes, because he unexpectedly gave Rey permission to touch them. As she reached out and caressed each of the soft petals, she felt their essences flow through her veins, sensing their desire to grow. Rey couldn't dismiss the link she suddenly had to the living, thriving plant life. There was a certain comfort in knowing the she belonged to them all, as they belonged to her.

And that was all she ever wanted: to belong. Maybe this was another chance at getting it right.

Or maybe… the universe was reminding her that she already found her belonging. And that she should go back to him before it was too late.

()()()()()

Seeing how they now added three to the group, Ren agreed on Finn's strategy of taking the sub-deck. Although, scanning the area, he didn't see any way of opening the accessway.

Striding over to an unremarkable section of the wall, Finn activated a hidden wall control, unlocking the hatch. Ren arched a brow. Finn shrugged. "I remembered from the last time I was here."

Down below, Ren took the lead as the young Wookies procured the tail end, leaving the bounty hunter and Finn in the middle. On hands and knees, Ren moved through the service crawl space, trying to take them back in the direction of the ship bay.

Finn scuttled up next to him. "So the Wookies _do_ understand Basic?"

"No."

"You speak Shyriiwook?" Finn asked, shocked.

Ren kept his mouth shut. Admitting that he could speak such a language wasn't really something to take pride in, especially since his dialect sounded like a dying animal. Chewie always told him not to be hard on himself, that he spoke the language better than most. But Ren always was a perfectionist, which pushed him to ask for a lot of lessons. Chewie never said no.

The memory formed an ache in his heart.

Sure, Ren was helping the two Wookies because he always had a weak spot when it came to slavery and children. But… he also wanted to do Chewie proud by helping his species.

It wouldn't change anything, Ren understood. But he couldn't deny his motives.

Finn fell behind next to Caliiya once he realized Ren wasn't going to answer. Pity their whispers didn't go unnoticed, though.

"How confident are you of making it out of here?" Caliiya asked Finn.

"Considering I was once a stormtrooper and he's Kylo Ren, I'd say I'm confident."

The light scraping and thumping of everyone sneaking along filled the short pause. "Yeah…" Caliiya breathed out. "I'm gonna give that response a four. I don't care if his magical powers live up to the hype. There's a lot of men on this ship."

Frustrated, Ren stopped before turning a corner and shot the bounty hunter a distasteful glare. "How confident are _you_ of making it off this ship without aid from the two of us?"

" _You_ are offering _me_ help?" Caliiya gaped. "You nearly crushed my trachea ten minutes ago."

"Not help. I just don't like when someone questions my abilities," he argued back. "Really, I'm still hoping you run off and take a random blaster bolt to the head. If I'm blessed, I'll be there to see it."

"You always talk to women this way?"

"I don't see how gender has anything to do with this. You're a shit of a person, whether you're male or female."

Caliiya scoffed. "So I'm a horrible person for doing my job and meeting a quota?"

"No, you're a great person for kidnapping children and selling them into the slave trade."

She pointed vehemently behind her. "Those are Wookies. Not children. And such judgment coming from you hardly counts."

"But here I am, judging you regardless."

Finn finally interrupted. "Stop it, both of you. We need to get off this ship, not argue with each other." He attempted to scoot forward. "I'm getting between you guys before–"

Footsteps came from above, catching their attention. A comlink beeped at the guard's belt and he looked down to retrieve it. But as his sight swept over the flooring, he made direct eye contact with Ren.

Another example to add to the long list of how Ren truly believed fate had it out for him.

The guard fired as Ren rolled onto his back and Force pushed him to the ceiling, ramming the body roughly against the intertwining pipelines, inconveniently rupturing them. Steam shot out as Ren closed his fist and pulled the man onto the grated floor, his skull splitting open upon impact, killing him instantly. Blood dripped like a lazy rain, falling onto the chest of Ren's red leather guise, blending in perfectly.

He stayed there for a moment, breathing and staring at the vacant eyes of the dead.

Caliiya cleared her throat. "I think you're friend here is a little too addicted to violence," she said, voice strained. Ren flung the body down the corridor so it wasn't directly on top of their position.

"At this point, I'm pretty sure violence is addicted to him," Finn counterpointed.

Caliiya groaned, catching both men's attention as she lowered herself completely to the floor, clutching her stomach. Finn grabbed at her shoulders, rolling her over and grimacing when he got a good view of the blood staining her sallow shirt.

Ren crawled over, but stayed back, watching from a looming vantage point as Finn lifted the fabric. The perforation was in the upper right quadrant of her abdomen, right where the liver was located. A wound such as that was fatal.

_Maybe fortune is on my side._

She peered over the scrunched up shirt and chuckled. "It's only a scratch."

"You're bleeding more heavily than you should from a blaster shot," Finn said as he rolled her to the side, finding a wound to match. But the entry point in her back looked to be high enough that it missed the kidneys. "It must've hit something serious."

She grimaced. "It's only serious when you can string your intestines through your belt loops."

Finn breathed through thin lips, his eyes glancing up at Ren expectantly. Why did the trooper have to be so smitten with this woman? Finn basically drooled when he first saw her out of the cell. Ren wasn't the best at picking up signs of affection, but Finn's had been glaringly obvious. Worse, the bounty hunter was attracted to him, too.

Honestly, he had no clue what they found so appealing in one another.

Ren rolled his eyes. "Before you assume anything, there's this thing called asking."

"Can you help her?"

"No."

Finn blinked. "I didn't ask if you want to help her. I asked if you could."

"I don't see a difference."

Finn looked down at the woman, then back up. "This is your fault," he accused, trying a different tactic: Guilt.

Jokes on him, though. Ren didn't give two bantha ticks for the girl. "If that were true, the shot would've gone through her skull."

"How about you do a selfless thing for once in your fucking life?" Finn snapped, frustration finally piquing. Such language coming from the man's mouth was startling, but it didn't push Ren any closer to being of assistance.

Meanwhile, the Wookies remained huddled and silent, watching the scene unfold.

Ren ran his bottom lip between his teeth, trying to rein in his annoyance. "Enlighten me: This girl wants to turn you over to the First Order for a sizable amount of credits, and you want me to save her? Give me a reason. Preferably one that makes sense."

"How about the fact that you wish you didn't struggle with being a good person. So how about you start by faking it. Who knows? Maybe you'll actually like how it feels."

Ren's attitude softened, but only somewhat. He forgot that Rey talked a lot to her friend, and one of the subjects of conversation was no doubt about him. And the trooper wasn't wrong – Ren truly wished compassion was something that came easy to him.

Caliiya's lips were now ashen and her body shook out of the false belief that the atmosphere had now turned frigid. Laying in the puddle of her own blood, it formed the nice outline of a crimson deathbed, and Ren could almost envision the reaper waiting close by, tapping his foot and checking the time.

"Dammit," Ren cursed under his breath as he kneeled next to her, taking off his gloves so he could have skin-to-skin contact. Healing was always easier that way.

Caliiya slapped his hands away. "I'd rather die than get help from you."

Ren sat back on his heels, keeping his head from hitting the above pipes as he gave an indifferent shrug. "Okay, great. Guess it's decided then."

She glared. "Fuck you."

"I'm not that desperate," he quipped back.

"Just shut up and let him help you," Finn harshly whispered at her. "You really want to die over something as stupid as pride? Because I'm pretty sure it's not worth it."

"Actually–" Finn shot Ren a look that made him not continue with that sentence.

Caliiya breathed in a trembling breath and groaned. "Fine," she said reluctantly.

Finn motioned at Ren to start.

"So there's no time for me to kill her, but there's time for me to heal her?"

Finn didn't answer.

Ren shook his head, and then got down to it.

Covering the wound with his palms, Ren felt the warm, viscous liquid ooze between his fingers, melding onto his skin. Eyes closed, he focused on trying to find a sense of center as he mended the damage done to her liver and skin. While he restored the organ to a healthy state, he held off on kicking her body into making a rapid amount of red blood cells. His strength was already drained below a comfortable level, and he wasn't charitable enough to keep lowering it further for someone he wished dead.

Ren scooted back, letting Finn look over his work.

At the far end of the corridor where the body had been deposited, an additional clutch of armed thugs appeared, their surprise over stumbling upon their dead friend made evident by the frantic shouting.

Below the flooring, the rag-tag group remained still, not even an eyelash or a piece of fur moving out of place. Running. More yelling. Comlinks beeping. The above level was turning into chaos and all it would take was for someone to look down and focus through the grating to see them.

Moving his right hand slowly, Ren went for the saber below his left arm guard while keeping his eyes up top. Unfortunately, his hands were still wet with blood, and the lightsaber fell from his fingers and clanged against the floor. The few people above them reacted to the sound, aimed their weapons, and fired.

Ren froze the bolts, a wall of blue streaks growing thicker with each passing second as he yelled, "The hatch we passed two corners down. Get to it!"

Reversing the plasma energy back the way it came, the three men and their reinforcements went down. Straining, Ren Force pushed against the metal flooring, popping the section loose and sending it flying down the hallway to the rest of the cohorts. Glancing briefly to his left, he saw that the service tunnel was now empty.

Ren was on his own.

He grabbed the saber and jumped onto the walkway, sprinting down the open corridor. Ren became more and more turned around, getting lost in the expansive layout of the ship. Rounding a corner, he ran into a random Guavian, sending them both to the ground. Grabbing the guard's free pistol, Ren fired a quick round of shots straight into the man's chest, threw the weapon away, and continued on.

Attempting to correct course, he just became more disoriented. Or maybe he was heading in the right direction and didn't even know it. But that would require luck, something that he didn't really believe in.

Rushing down a passageway, he skidded to a stop before he went completely through a circular opening. The space beyond was vast and empty and if he had kept running, he would have fallen into the dark void. It wasn't a hangar, nor was it being used for storage. It was just a part of the ship that never had the opportunity of being completed.

A safety hazard is what it was. No such place would've been allowed on the Finalizer.

Ren heard the beating of boots coming closer, and the only place to go was the broken down elevator shaft to his right. He jumped the gap to the ladder and climbed.

Shots flew passed him, but then stopped.

"Don't shoot him!" A thick accent ordered. "He's wanted alive! Set your blasters to stun."

Jumping through an open entryway before they had a chance to daze him, Ren's legs went off at a dead run, skidding around junctions, his brain rapidly trying to come up with a plan. Shouts and footfalls were caving in on him, seeming to push him toward one direction in particular.

Light poured in from the end of a passageway, and Ren rushed toward what he believed to be an opening to the hangar. It was – except he was three stories high and overlooking the ship bay, hands gripped onto the railing, breaths coming out fast and hard. Down below, his presence had been expected by the way all the guards and thugs were looking up, watching him.

Weapons came to the ready. Ren glanced around, his eyes blazing as he saw there was nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. Turning back, more security lined the corridor, bracing for a fight.

"Ben Solo," boomed the confident voice of the Guavian Ren presumed was the leader. The man, carrying himself with poise and wearing a black soldierly suit, stepped into the middle of the hallway, a dangerous smile playing along his lips. "You're gonna make me a very rich man."

After everything he'd done to escape the First Order and elude his previous master, Ren was not going to be denied the brief liberty he'd been granted over the last day. Especially from an atypical gang that put more interest in their matching attire than becoming a formidable presence in the galaxy.

Refusing to lie down and accept the situation, Ren did the only thing he could do: he flung himself over the railing. Energy from the stun blasts hit him harder than a moving speeder, robbing him of controlling his descent. Trying to hold onto consciousness, he put all he had into slowing down, but blacked out before making it to the tarmac.

()()()()()

Finn hesitantly flipped open the hatch, peering down the lit corridor in both directions.

Nothing.

He could hear distant running and blaster fire, but he concluded it wasn't an immediate threat. Besides, they could no longer crawl around the sub-accessway now that the route was compromised.

They had passed the hatch Kylo had sent them to, but Caliiya and him agreed the more distance between them and the blaster fire, the better.

"We're almost back to where we started," Caliiya commented as she climbed out and looked around. "And we should keep using the service tunnel."

Well, they sort of agreed on a plan.

Finn helped the Wookies from the tunnel while Caliiya swiveled her head between both ends of the hall. "They know we're using it," he whispered. "We have a better chance of surviving on foot than crawling in a restricted space."

He didn't see her expression, but he could feel she was annoyed.

Once everyone was out, Finn headed in the direction he believed the hangar would be. Studying the decrepit walls and pipes, he tried to see something familiar, but nothing stood out. He didn't understand why a ship of this size didn't have signs or arrows or flashing lights pointing you to the ship bay.

And Caliiya wasn't helping to quell his frustration. "Do you know where you're going?" she asked, keeping up next to him.

He glanced back, making sure the Wookies kept pace. For their size, they were surprisingly quiet. "Somewhat. I've been on this ship before. Although, I wasn't paying close attention to the layout at the time."

They all stopped as they heard pounding footfalls coming toward them. Turning, they were thwarted with more noise from the opposite direction. Picking the last available option, he prayed the room to the right was accessible.

Slamming a palm against the access panel, the door slid open, admitting the frantic group. Finn shut the barrier and joined the rest of them behind some crates near the back, causing rats to scuttle out of the way, squeaking their curses. Finn chose a spot by the wall just below some shelving, his blaster propped up and ready to discharge at anything that came around the corner.

In his history of being raised a soldier, there had been many days such as this where drills ran him into the ground and he had to find moments to catch his breath and think. There were times he feared for his life, because he knew too many failures would mean his termination. But while he wasn't the most ruthless student in the class, he had been the smartest, out scoring all his classmates and even testing as one of the top stormtroopers to ever go through the academy.

They pushed him hard when it came to weapon mechanics and problem solving – even going so far as depriving him sleep for days. Thinking about what he had endured, this almost seemed like a vacation.

Almost.

Closing his eyes for a brief moment, he wondered where Ren could be and if he was making better progress in getting back to the Falcon. It was strange for Finn to discover that he wished Ren were with them. Though the reason was mainly so they had a powerful Jedi on their side.

 _Former Jedi_ , Finn reminded himself.

Still, Finn was just getting used to them operating as some sort of team, albeit a dysfunctional one. Having a teammate gone, not knowing their status, felt like the absence of a limb or important organ.

Looked like old habits died harder than detestment.

The soft breathing of the two Wookies and humans intermingled with the muffled presence of men searching for them outside. After a few moments, Caliiya crawled over to Finn, nodding to their furry companions. "What should we do with the two Wookies?"

"They're coming with us," Finn stated.

"They're only going to slow us down."

He was baffled by her callousness. "You want to ditch them?"

Through clenched teeth, Caliiya implored, "They aren't our problem."

Finn glanced at the Wookies, their glares at Caliiya hot enough to burn a hole right through her. He had an inkling they knew what was being discussed. "They are our problem. You brought them here. How about taking a little responsibility for that."

Caliiya sat back in a huff. "The only person I'm responsible for is myself."

"Bet that's gotten you far in life."

"It has," she bit back.

Finn cocked his head. "So being a bounty hunter was always a dream of yours?"

She shrugged. "It's a means to an end."

"And what end could that possibly be?"

"Get enough money to pay off my debts so I can be free."

"Why did you get into so much debt in the first place?"

Something changed in her. Finn knew the instant it happened, but couldn't describe exactly what tipped him off. Might have been a twitch in the face, or a subtle shift in body language. Or those eyes.

"I…" She paused, her voice becoming tight. "My father. He had a degenerative nerve disease and I borrowed a lot of money from some associates of mine to try and get him help. But the medical trials ended up being useless. He died anyway, and I've been trying to find ways to pay back the money ever since."

Finn tried to control staring at her. He certainly wasn't expecting a story like that. And sure, she could be lying, but she wasn't. He recognized the truth when he saw it. "I'm sorry," he offered in a more compassionate tone. "That sounds like a hard situation to be in."

She looked away. "I don't want your pity."

Respecting her pride this time, he asked, "How much do you have left to pay back?"

"Just Bala. This job was supposed to be it for me. Guess I'll have to go into hiding if I survive this."

"There's always another solution. I can help you find it, if you want," he offered, her eyes catching his in shock.

She broke eye contact first. "It's quiet now. We should get moving."

Finn was the one to check the passageway. He nodded and the rest of them followed his lead. For some weird reason, he felt invigorated, ready to take on whoever came his way. The corridors even started to look familiar, which spiked his adrenaline more, making him hyper aware of the surroundings.

And then there it was, the main level accessway to the hangar. Finn grinned as he got closer, which immediately vanished as he took in the scene. Flattening against the wall, he motioned for the others to do the same. Peering through the circular entrance, he saw a large group of guards, their weapons drawn and pointing up at a terrace. Ren was bracing himself for an attack, extremely outnumbered and out of luck. Words were spoken before Ren threw himself over the balcony only to be stunned, hitting the ground hard.

The Guavian members swarmed and dragged him away.

That high Finn had been feeling was spent. This whole operation had now gone from an escape to a rescue.

_Could things possibly get any worse?_

Unfortunately, the universe viewed that as a challenge.

He never saw the blow to the back of the head coming.


	52. He Still Loved Her

The setting sun came sooner than Rey expected, reminding her of the plans to venture into the city. She'd spent all morning and afternoon in the greenhouse, listening to Garov's lectures and even sharing a meal with him. The Bimm, while cold and blunt on the outside, was actually sweeter and more polite once she got to know him. Hearing about his family, the time in the Imperial skyhook, and his current business, he perfectly weaved the story of his journey through hardship and success.

Rey could definitely relate to hardship.

Success? She didn't know what that looked like for her.

As the evening ushered in dusk, Garov gave her two tech-copies of his favorite books: _The Herbal Alchemist's Handbook: A Grimoire of 'Philtres, Elixirs, Oils, Incense and Formulas for Ritual use,_ and _The Rambling Botanist_. The true gift, however, was having permission to take a blossoming flower. Rey kept it simple by choosing the pyro, not just because it's deep crimson beauty, but also it was one of the easiest plants to tend to.

Best to start with the basics.

Bidding the small Bimm farewell, she went back to the freighter, dropping off her newly acquired belongings before heading into the city. The sky had darkened by the time her boots trotted on those first stone steps, the remnants of day having exhaled into repose. Rey took in a deep breath and shared the energy trapped in her lungs with the beginnings of night.

It was always shocking for Rey to see so many people out and about after dark, but this city seemed to thrive after hours, and the people here preferred it that way. Back on Jakku, Rey would have been ready for bed by now, going over the last remnant of scavenging plans in her head as she fell asleep.

Rey didn't immediately head for Okona's shop. Instead, she walked around the parts of the city she hadn't seen the last time she was there. She gazed through windows at ornate jewelry, went down aisles of the most updated galac-tech, and browsed through an antique bookshop. Touching the leather backed books, she thought of Ben. He would've stayed in this place all day, probably coming out with thousands of credits worth of books. Or bought the whole place for twice its value.

Finding papered novels was such a rarity during these modern times.

A cozy reading nook in the corner looked inviting, and even though she didn't have a book, she claimed the corner as her own. The seat was built into the wall, it's soft cushion and pillows making the alcove extra comfortable. Sitting, she watched all the different species meandering down the aisles, her mind wondering like it usually did during downtime.

And her memories never went anywhere pleasant.

The video of her parents last moments ran through her thoughts on repeat, making her emotional. But sorrow was soon replaced with confusion, which morphed into frustration. With more answers came more questions. Why did the New Republic believe her mother was a descendant of Palpatine? Where was the evidence? Was her mother really adopted into the Ropetho family?

She should have pushed those questions when talking to Ematt. But getting revenge had a way of giving one tunnel vision. And dissolving reason.

Looking back, it seemed like the memory of killing Ematt was done by someone else, as if Rey were viewing it from an outside perspective. Of course, she knew that wasn't true. This was just her way of coping with the fact she was now a murderer.

After receiving a few annoyed looks from customers with books, she figured she better leave the nook before someone confronted her. Soon, she found herself standing in front of Okona's shop, peering through the glass at the bustling shoppers. It was busier than Rey thought it would be, and she didn't even think of the possibility that Okona wouldn't be there. Why was Rey even there? What would her and the Togruta even talk about? Clothes? Rey frequently got zeyd and tumuon cloth mixed up, which apparently was a fashionable mistake Jess had to explain to her.

"Rey?"

She glanced to her right to see Okona, who was holding a basket filled with muja muffins as she gazed at Rey in surprise.

Mouth watering from the sight of sweets, Rey swallowed and nervously greeted, "Okona. How are you?"

Okona stepped forward, grasping Rey's shoulder as she worriedly looked her over. "My dear, are you alright? You don't seem well."

"Well, uh..."

"Your soul looks tired. I can see it through your eyes."

"Oh." Rey shrugged, finding the observation odd. "Sleep has been evading me lately."

"It's more than just sleep." Okona ushered Rey inside. "Come." Cool air greeted them as they entered. With Okona's hand on Rey's back, she guided her to the rear of the store.

Punching in a code on the panel, a metallic door slid open, allowing them access. Walking down a hallway and through another corridor, Rey stepped into a very mundane and organized office – which was surprising, given the fact the main floor was decorated so ornately. To the left was a white, sharp cornered desk, a dark red upholstered chair tucked into the back. Straight ahead against the light blue walls was a cot, a folded blanket and pillow on top, awaiting use.

Okona put down the basket and moved to the makeshift bed, taking a seat as she adjusted her light green and gold dress.

"I've had this cot in my office since the day this shop first opened. You have to take rest where you can find it." She patted the empty space beside her. Rey hesitated before moving forward.

"What brings you back here?" Okona asked as Rey sat. The cot was comfier than she anticipated.

"I wanted to be somewhere familiar, I guess."

"Do you not have many places like that?"

"No."

"Well, if you are looking for something familiar, I still have those clothes you asked me to hold for you. Would you like those back?"

Considering Rey's current wardrobe consisted of the clothes on her back, she gave out a solid, "Yes. Please." She paused as she realized she was wearing her satchel. And inside the satchel….

Rey unclipped the bag from her belt and dumped half of the credits onto the cot. "What would I be able to get for all this?"

Okona gazed at the credit mound, wide eyed. "Honestly, you could probably buy our whole line of active wear."

"Great." Rey said, gathering up the credits. "I'll go out there and–"

Okona stopped Rey's hands. "I can get everything together for you, my dear. I brought you back here so you could rest."

"But your shop is so busy, and I don't want to inconvenience you–"

"Trust me, it isn't an inconvenience." Okona gave her a soft smile. "May I ask why you seem so…"

"Tired?" Rey finished.

"Tired, yes, but sad as well."

Rey tucked the loose strands of hair behind her ears, not really knowing how much to reveal. "Has your life always gone as planned?"

"No one's life goes according to plan. There are always bumps and turns in the road."

She fiddled with her fingers, nervous that she was getting too personal. "How did you handle the bumps and turns?"

Okona chuckled. "Not gracefully, I can tell you that. But I got through the tough times, mainly thanks to my husband. Having support always helps. Do you have that?"

_Ben…._

"I did. But he lied to me, and now it's over."

"What did he lie to you about?"

"He knew about parts of my life, parts I didn't even know, but always wanted to," Rey muttered, her eyes staying straight ahead on the door.

"And now you know them?"

"Yes."

"Is it painful to know these things?"

Rey nodded.

"When thinking over what upsets me or if someone has wronged me, I ask myself, "If I were to die tomorrow, what would my reaction be to this situation? Would I forgive the wrongdoer, or take my grudge to the grave? Do I focus on all the things they've done wrong, and forget the things they've done right?""

Those questions wheeled around in Rey's mind, begging her to answer them.

Okona reached out, as if to pat Rey's knee, but thought against it. "You haven't said much, but maybe this person kept these secrets because they loved you and didn't want to hurt you."

"But… he lied to me," Rey said as if that sin was the most unforgivable. But she knew it wasn't.

"And he'll have to live with that the rest of his life. If he truly loves you, then he deeply regrets it."

Rey adjusted her posture and glanced away. All of this was getting too close to... something. It made her uncomfortable, and Okona was able to pick up on that.

The Togruta stood, catching Rey's attention. "I'll leave you alone to rest. Stay as long as you want and eat as many of the muffins as you'd like. I'll be out there if you need anything."

When alone, Rey wrapped herself in the wool blanket and placed her head on the lush pillow. But she was incapable of closing her eyelids. Too many thoughts ran through her brain, robbing her of the sweet escape that was sleep.

An ember of regret warmed her gut, the heat gradually becoming a small flame, graduating into an inferno that lit up the severity of her reality.

The rest of her life would be spent in loneliness as she would attempt to atone for her sins. But forgiveness would never be found. How can one be forgiven if the victim was dead?

They couldn't. But Ben was still alive...

 _Doesn't matter,_ she told herself. She would forever remain a bag of skin, a skeleton the only thing rattling inside. There was no meat to her anymore, no substance, for she did not deserve any.

Lips trembling, she let the regret fall from her eyes, and then wiped them away. If tears were prayers, fate would have gone easier on her by now. Instead, she'd been cursed with a rough life and had learned only one thing:

Loss was endemic. Crying over it changed nothing.

()()()()()

Standing in the black expanse of his subconscious, Ren saw no beginning and no end to the shadows. As he sloshed around in the ankle deep water, he watched the ripples dance along the surface, the movement flowing outward and away, eternal. Light was not even a physical manifestation in this realm. His ability to see and be just was.

Ren stopped, tensing. There wasn't much to view, but he knew for sure he wasn't alone in this place. Whoever it was had formed close behind.

And he sensed it wasn't a stranger.

He spun around, kicking up the murky water. There, in a regal white gown and perfect scarlet hair, stood Kayani, looking as if she might catch a disease from standing in such an abysmal place. "So this is what you imagine your mind to look like," she stated. "Rather bleak, wouldn't you say?"

Ren glared, his annoyance robbing him of his voice.

Kayani finally focused on him, producing a small smile. "I want to commend you on the blocks around your mind. I've rarely seen any as strong as yours. But I expect nothing less from someone hiding from my brother."

Ren wasn't indulged by the compliments. "What are you doing here?"

"A small opening appeared in your mental barrier and I took this chance to talk to you. Honestly, your lucky it's me and not your master," she said, anticipating some sort of thanks.

He didn't give her any.

Ren glanced to the left. Then glanced to the right. "This isn't real."

"It is."

He shook his head. "No, it can't be. For me to see you like this would require–." Ren frowned as something occurred to him. "A connection." But how could something have formed? "When Rey revived me…" his voice trailed off as his mind pieced together the puzzle.

Ren searched Kayani's face, and found no evidence of a rebuke.

"But…. No. I saw you. On the beach. After Rey drowned." The words were a struggle to procure; the physical recoil was easy to show.

"I could weakly cross the connection between the two of you, and you being desperate for help made it easier for you to hear and see me then."

"Are you seriously telling me that I now have three different Force bonds?"

"Yes. But be at ease – your bond with Rey overpowers the other two."

 _Be at ease?!_ Ren took a deep breath, like he had to force his emotions not to succumb to the need of destroying everything close to him... which would be Kayani, given how there was literally nothing in this plain of existence.

Time stretched out languidly – or maybe it didn't, since time wasn't a real thing here – as Kayani kept watching him, remaining poised. Tugging his fingers through his hair, Ren switched his eyes down to the water, peering at its murkiness. It was hard enough to differentiate between his and Rey's emotions, and now to add someone else into the mix?

Horrible timing.

Snoke had damaged his ability to empathize, while Rey had helped him to feel the Light. And if the Force were even remotely on his side, he'd never have to find out what Kayani's contribution to his conflicting life would be. The one silver lining that kept Ren afloat was that he wouldn't have to worry about being influenced as long as he never used the connection with her.

Having formed a plan to stay sane, his breathing evened and he was able to look up at the glowing entity. "Do you feel Rey's emotions? Can you hear her thoughts?" Ren asked quickly, suddenly needing to know exactly how much privacy he and Rey had.

"I see only what she sees."

His lids narrowed. "How much have you seen?"

"Most of her life. I only look away during moments that seem… private." Kayani briefly glanced to the side.

"You know… about her and I," he said, feeling uncomfortable. But his irritation left the sneer on his face.

"The relationship between the two of you should never have gone that far."

Ren stood where he was for quite some time, trying to reign in his anger. "What?" he eventually gritted out. "You didn't foresee us actually caring for one another?"

"No," she stated. "You're cold and callous, and while Rey can be those things when it matters, she does have a good heart."

Her subtle slight didn't go unnoticed. Or maybe it was meant to be obvious. "You always speak as if you know me."

"Actions are a great indicator of character."

He lifted his chin more as if to look down on her, trying to match her aura of superiority. "If you hate me so much, why not find another way of getting to your brother?"

"I've tried countless times before. You are the only way it can work."

"Not a very solid plan, and the details are still rather vague."

"You think there is more to this?"

"There's always more when it comes to schemes."

"I assure you, this isn't a scheme. The fate of the galaxy hinders upon this working, and you were always meant to be in the middle." Kayani scoffed out her impatience. "There is no need for this wordplay. We're on the same side. You can trust me."

"I make a habit not to trust what I see. Even salt looks a lot like sugar."

"And here I thought you'd want your Master dead. Don't you want to be free?"

To Ren, 'free' was a four-letter word. "I don't agree with how you want to go about it. Having Rey go up against him would mean her death."

"There is no other way."

"Yes, there actually is," he argued. "Just wait for him to die. If he never finds me, than mortality will eventually catch up to him."

"My brother is very patient."

"Death doesn't show favoritism," he bit back.

Her expression finally showed her annoyance. "You have to be prepared for the possibility that he will get you in the end."

His brows drew together. "What did you say?"

"My brother is smart and resourceful. You are no match for him."

Ren changed the subject before his ego lashed out. "Why are you here?" he asked, voice so throaty, it sounded like a growl. "I assume there is a reason."

"Rey needs to be found."

Finally, the conversation goes in a direction he could get behind. "I agree. Tell me where she is."

"I don't know where she is."

He tightened his fists. "You just said you can see what she sees. Try taking a very studious look around."

"I can't. She's too closed off right now. But there is another way." Kayani scrutinized him, as if gauging whether it was a good idea to offer up her plan. "Open yourself up to this connection and use it to locate me. That way, you can find her."

"No."

"I thought you wanted to find her?"

"There is only one person I would ever open myself up to and that person is certainly not you."

Kayani threw her hands into the air, an odd gesture for her to make: the show of exasperation. "I didn't want this either. You think I wanted a connection with someone like you? You're searching for someone to blame and that person isn't me. So if you want to be mad or disgruntled with someone, take it up with Rey. I warned her not to take power from me, but her feelings for you got in the way."

Ren snort-laughed mockingly. "You would've fit in perfectly with the Jedi Order. They too blamed others and had a strict view on not forming attachments. Made them lack humanity."

Kayani quickly retorted. "This coming from the son who murdered his own father and then thanked him."

As Ren went really still and really quiet, Kayani looked shocked. That wasn't the type of thing one could say and then take back. But her statement must not have bothered her too much since her composure swiftly returned to that of a collected, but pompous queen.

"Find Rey before someone else does. And then you need to prepare her for when she needs to kill you," she bluntly added, losing all sense of tact while going straight for the jugular with her sharp words.

Ren blinked while repeatedly opening his mouth, then closing it. "I don't even know how to respond to that."

"She can't let her feelings for you cloud her judgment."

Ren ground his teeth and slowly said, "You want me... to tell her... to kill me."

"It won't be you anymore."

Yeah… Ren wasn't going to do that. Done with whatever this exchange was, he started walking away, picking up his boots so he could move faster. "Tell her yourself," he said over his shoulder.

Kayani formed in his path, stopping him. "I told you, she is somehow blocking me. And the last time we interacted, we didn't get along."

"You and I don't get along." He turned the other way.

She blocked him again. "Are you going to do this or not?"

"Honestly, this all seems like conjecture on your part."

"I know my brother."

Ren had partly pivoted, but froze at hearing that last comment. His stare returned to Kayani. "I thought the last time you two had any contact was when he murdered you over 8,000 years ago? I'd say a person could change a lot over that span of time."

There was a pause, and Ren stayed quiet so the remark could really sink deep into Kayani's nerves. In the silence, she took a good, hard look at him and said, "If you don't do this, the moment will come and you'll regret not heeding my warning."

Ren glanced into the never ending darkness, unable to see anything of value, just as he was unable to accept this impending future Kayani was so sure would happen. Would the First Order succeed in finding him? Has he never really had a chance? His body became heavy, the truth daring to drag him down into the water if it could.

Suddenly his form blurred, as well as Kayani's, the vision of his shadowy mind thinning and dissipating, ceasing to be.

"Trust what you are feeling," her voice broke through the dissolving chaos. "Energy never lies."

Straddling between being unconscious and awake, his vision still on Kayani's fading silhouette, his ears caught the sound of chatter from elsewhere. Straining to get back to reality, he could make out two distinct voices: Bala-Tik and Finn's.

The darkness faded as Ren was propelled back into the present, his head feeling as if it had been cracked open, the contents inside his skull being lit afire. The pain traveled through his veins, making his palms turn into fists. He opened his eyes… and finally let his restraint go. The loss of time being spent on this ship, the endless supply of thugs getting in his way, and the infuriating conversation he just had with Kayani sent him to the one place where he felt like he had control:

The Dark side.

Slipping into his cruel visage, Ren connected with the living on the ship, stilling them… and crushing them slowly. Behind him, he faintly heard the roar of the Wookies, the beating of flesh intermingling with their war cries. It wasn't difficult to deduce that they were helping in taking out the guards. Such aid was unnecessary, but Ren was too focused on the struggling, wide-eyed Guavian leader before him.

Stars, he craved this release. To hell with consequences; he could deal with those later. Right now, his need for control was a necessity.

But energy was a give and take contract. Strength draining fast, Ren wasn't sure how much longer he could keep going, the possibility of him breaking concentration becoming a real possibility. But just as his vision blurred, lungs burned, and legs shook, the unexpected happened:

Rey opened herself unto him.

It was quick, the feel of her only lasting seconds, his mind reaching out to her gently, stroking. He wasn't eager to take from her, but she insisted as she shoved him an insurmountable amount of strength his way. He accepted the minimum right before she disappeared, becoming another memory. Thankfully, he only needed the one swift moment to know where she was – and to learn the only reason she helped him was because Rey earnestly believed he was going to die.

She still cared.

And he had impressed upon her that he still devotedly loved her.

But even with the short soulful reunion, Ren couldn't turn back. He was powerless to stop his actions, anymore than a person leaping from a cliff could decide ten feet into the fall that they wanted to go back. With no contrast, moralities edges were too smooth to hold onto, causing his conscience to dissolve and him to plummet into an alternate existence, one that was filled with the shadows of deeds that stained the soul, one that welcomed him in such an intimate manner only Rey could match.

In these moments, he was the festering, rotting, tangible representation of all the evil in the universe, all the cruelty and debasement and malicious joy. All the deeds done in a moment that had repercussions that lasted a lifetime.

His mind snapped, as if it were a chain being stretched beyond capacity. One by one – and there were too many to perceive – Ren felt every individual's pain, heard their suffering, and drank in their fear as if it were sweet to the taste and cool to the throat. Coming to the end, he claimed the lives he merged with, infusing himself with their stolen vitality.

But the power was too much for him to keep. So he let it go, a vicious amount of energy rippling out of him, its power unprecedented and touching every corner of the large vessel Ren deemed unimportant.

Then everything was over.

With a hoarse and ragged cry, he fell to the ground, convulsing and wheezing. Smelling the familiar scent of blood, he weakly glanced up, seeing the broken body of the Guavian leader. And his lightsaber.

Hand reaching out, he reclaimed what was rightfully his. But not even a simple familiarity could qualm his horrified heart.

For the first time in his life, he was disturbed by what he was capable of.

Ren sensed a rumble somewhere in the dark crook of his mind, as if someone was laughing. Mocking him. He couldn't hear the sound, but he knew who it was. He could _feel_ it.

His master was waiting. Observing. Like he always had.

Would he ever be rid of him?

()()()()()

Rey woke with a shout, hand clutching her chest as her breathing came out sporadically and her heart thundered. Lungs burning, it reminded her of drowning, that harrowing memory causing her to shake.

 _Ben_.

He was in a massive amount of trouble, the kind that could kill him. Rey could feel the struggle as he spent his energy in trying to stay alive.

Her heart told her to save him, and she took up that call without hesitation.

Rey unlocked her side of the bond.

Even though Ben was in desperate need, his presence was gentle, like a soft caress on her life force. It was as if his soul saw her after a long separation, letting out a sigh of relief upon finding her. His trepidation got in the way of the exchange, making him question whether he should take anything from her. Impatient, Rey shoved her strength his way, making him take what he needed to survive.

And then she felt it.

Love.

He still loved her.

The beginning of this journey with him – all the way back on Ahch–To when she implored him to leave with her – had been a risk, a mystery, and up till now, something she'd never experienced before. But in this moment, with their connection freely flowing, Ben was the most certain thing she'd ever known.

And she had ruined it.

Rey slammed the bond closed in a panic, falling upon hands and knees while gulping in the stagnant air. Tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down her face. The muscles of her chin trembled as she looked around the room, as if the quaint little area could somehow soothe her.

It didn't.

There was static in her head, a side effect of this breakdown, of the stress she now lived with. She listened to her own whimpers and cries, like a distressed child, raw from the inside. This surrender took something out of her she didn't know she had left to give. But that's the way it was when people became hard of emotion, denying themselves of feeling. It was a theft of the spirit, an injury to the heart no other person could see.

And only once stripped down was she fully able to see the light.

No longer could she blame Ben, nor Ematt for her actions. Responsibility was solely hers to bear.

It took her a long while to regroup, the acceptance of her situation turning her demeanor somber. What she did was done. There was nothing she could do to change it. So... what was she doing? Rey was never one to wallow and bury beneath self-pity. She always picked herself up, her determination giving her momentum to move forward.

No doubt Ben now knew where she was… but she couldn't face him. Not yet.

Rey formed a new plan, one she should have started days ago. She wasn't going to let shame and fear get in the way of it this time.

Standing, her legs wobbled and hands shook. Eyes going to the muffins, she shoved three into her mouth, wiping away the drool as the sweetness covered her tongue and filled her belly. Out in the hallway, she came across a chill box and grabbed a canteen of cold water, downing it quickly.

Out on the main floor, Rey weaved her way through the throngs of shoppers as she headed for the register. Okona was leaning against the counter, her attention on the datapad below.

The Togruta's eyes shifted, sensing someone close by. She blinked at the unexpectedness. "It hasn't even been an hour–"

"I need to leave," was all Rey gave as an explanation.

Okona straightened and frowned, but did not push Rey for her reasons. Grabbing three large shopping bags from beneath the counter, she handed them over. "I mostly kept to outfits you can easily move in, but there are a few surprises in here you might like. And your old attire is in there as well."

Rey accepted the large bags, having to brace herself from the unexpected weight. "Thank you for getting this together for me."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I will be." And there was the smallest part of Rey that believed that.

Okona lowered her voice and leaned forward over the counter, giving her a worried stare. "If you ever need anything, you know where to find me."

Rey nodded her gratitude and then left, trekking back to the light freighter. She dropped the bags in the cargo bay, her arms worn out from carrying those deceitfully heavy bags. Rustling through the bundles, Rey found what she was looking for and then headed to the cockpit.

It was hard to say goodbye to Spira. The serene warm water and tropical breeze felt more like home to her than Jakku ever did. Maybe in another life, she'd been born to the sea.

In hyperspace, awaiting her arrival to Dandoran, she slipped into a change of clothes. The dark trousers and shirt enveloped her like she remembered. Being alone, Rey wanted something familiar, so she opted for Ben's clothes over the brand new ones. She breathed in the fabric, hopeful. _Yes…_ They hadn't been washed, and his scent was still faintly recognizable.

But with the solace came an emptiness that had been carved out of her soul with the spade of her regrets. _Ben still loves you. You felt it. When the time is right, he'll help you,_ she reassured herself.

Still, thinking about facing him after she got her life in order gave her anxiety.

Her stomach roared, claiming her attention. "Okay, okay. I'll feed you." Rey exited the cockpit and went to the kitchen. "Maybe we could even try a hand at cooking. How hard can it be to heat up sauce and pasta?"

Her tummy rumbled.

"My thoughts exactly. It can't be too difficult." Was she crazy for talking to one of her organs? Probably. But her stomach was the only thing keeping her company. Why not have conversations with it. It couldn't be any worse than speaking to her imaginary friends.

Plus, it made her feel less lonely.

()()()()()

"Shit," Poe harshly whispered, witnessing the small trail of blood slide down his thumb and beneath his jacket cuff. Reaching for the stained rag on the hovering utility table, he wrapped the pulsating cut. It was a stupid mistake to work on one of the X-Wing's KX12 laser cannons without proper lighting.

A small light orb sat in the sea of tools, mocking him for his stupidity.

" _You used that rag on the engine earlier,"_ BB-8 pointed out.

Poe flexed his hand, feeling the chemical sting as he made sure the makeshift dressing stayed tight. It wouldn't. "It's fine. I'm still young and in great health. You'd know." Poe glanced down. "You were at my last physical."

" _About that… I was thinking I'd skip the next one."_

"What do you mean skip the next one? You know I don't do well with needles. I need support to get through it."

" _Drawing your blood took less than a minute last time."_

"Well, it feels like a lifetime," Poe murmured. Giving up on the rag, he found a first aid kit in the bottom drawer, opting for a smaller, more manageable medical bandage.

BB-8 rolled a tad closer _. "If you really need support, you could ask Jess to come with you."_

Poe narrowed his eyes, sensing BB-8 was trying to dig for something "You know I get naked for a part of it."

BB-8 beeped and whistled low and looooooong.

Poe sucked in a breath so quickly, a wad of saliva came along for the journey. He coughed, clearing his throat before saying, "How do you even know that phrase?" BB-8 stayed silent. "It's Artoo, isn't it? I need to cut those playdates short." Poe pointed the gauss wrench at BB-8, lecturing. "That astromech is a bad influence."

"Like you're any better."

Poe wheeled around so fast, it was a miracle he stayed on his feet. Jess stood by the wing, arms crossed, giving Poe a playful little grin. He wondered how much of the conversation she heard and inwardly panicked. "Testor. Hey."

"How is Artoo being a bad influence?"

"BB-8 seems to have picked up some rather crass language." Poe shot the droid another disapproving stare.

"Probably from you."

He laughed off the jab, but Poe knew for a fact BB-8 didn't get the phrase from him. He didn't get _that_ vulgar.

"I'm surprised you're here and not talking to Snap."

"He's back?" Poe was expecting the mission to take longer. Not because it was risky, but because he wasn't helming the operation. But he should have given Snap more credit.

"Yeah. Him and the others got back about an hour ago. They should be out of debriefing."

"Were the coordinates Ren gave legit?" Poe eagerly asked.

"Oh yeah. Big time. The recon team basically fell out of hyperspace on top of the planets. So far, the intel Kylo gave has been correct."

Twisting the wrench in his palms, Poe queried, "They find the mines?"

Jess nodded. "They only had time to find half, but they were all up and running. Planetary scans even showed an overabundance of iridium, ytterbium, baradium, gadolinium, quadranium–."

He interrupted Jess showing off her pronunciation skills. "So basically all the elements used to build Star Destroyers and military grade weaponry."

She sighed. "Pretty much. Those planets could be mined for hundreds of years before the depletion of resources."

Poe gripped the wrench harder, shaking his head and muttering, "He just had to be right about this."

Jess arched a brow. "Were you hoping he lied?"

Going back to working on his X-wing so he could cover up his frustration, Poe exhaled and said, "It would have been better that he was a liar than for the First Order to actually have an endless supply of resources."

He felt Jess move next to him, her eyes watching his working hands, her body close enough to emit warmth. "You aren't the only one worried over the news."

By now, most of the base had to have heard about the recon results. And Poe wasn't looking forward to seeing the glum faces… or being the glum face. Most of his life, he'd always been a hopeful, optimistic sort of guy. But with so much destruction and bad news coming the galaxy's way, it was hard to look at the positive.

Jess pulled him out of the worried hole his mind was falling into. "How she comin' along?"

He straightened and wiped at his perspiring brow, leaving behind a streak of grease. "The laser canon is worn down, but I'm getting close to fixing it." Jess stuck her head inside the weapons hull. "The engine is fine, which is a relief."

"Still don't trust a mechanic with her?" her voice echoed in the chamber.

"I'm a little too attached to this one to have anyone else touch her."

"Pardon me for intruding on such a private moment." She brought her head out. "I should leave you two alone."

His lips formed a half smile. "Ha. Ha." Jess grinned back. "Why are you here so late anyway?"

"I was actually looking for Threepio." She did a quick once over of the deserted hangar. "Have you seen him?"

"No. You two still having story time?"

"Make fun of me all you want, but people don't realize that Threepio was in the middle of most the action during the Rebellion. You should listen to one of his recollections some time."

"About Skywalker?" Poe moved to the cart, putting the wrench in the third drawer. "You know you could just go ask the guy about his life."

Jess rolled her eyes rather dramatically. "Really? And how do you think that would go? The man doesn't seem that approachable and I don't want to come off as some star struck weirdo who knows way too much about his life."

"But you do know way too much about his life."

"Because he's a hero of the Rebellion who single handedly destroyed the first Death Star and–." Jess paused, glaring at him. "Now you're making fun of me."

This time, he gave her that full on charming smile of his. "Yep."

She chuckled and patted the exterior of the X-wing. "Well, if you run into Threepio, tell him I'm gonna call it a night and go back to my room." Jess walked past him, not even offering a goodnight. Not like he wanted one. They were good enough friends that they could skip the pleasantries.

BB-8 bumped his calves from behind, making him move forward.

Poe quickly caught up to her as she entered an interior hallway. "Hey." Jess looked to him, surprised to see him walking beside her. "Are… you doing okay?"

"Yeah," she replied. "Why wouldn't I be?"

He leaned in, keeping his tone low. Not many people were walking around, but there were a few stragglers here and there. And Poe didn't like eavesdroppers. "Everyone on base knows Ren is gone and I was wondering how you're taking it."

Jess snorted, like what he just said was ridiculous. "You should be more worried over the possibility of everyone finding out you helped him leave." Poe abruptly stopped, as did Jess. "I saw you hurrying to get supplies before he left, and seeing how you don't have anywhere to go…."

Poe had really been praying no one had noticed him. But that was a wish that wouldn't be granted, given how everyone on base knows who he is. Being sociable had its downsides. "You tell anyone?"

Jess was offended he would even ask that. "Of course not. And you should know I wouldn't. But I can't be the only one who saw you. So if anyone asks, just make something up."

He nodded, which appeased Jess enough to continue her trek to her room. Poe kept pace. If Jess was confused that he was still following her, she didn't show it. "But are you doing okay?" he repeated.

She exhaled, annoyed. "Why is it every time something happens pertaining to Kylo Ren, you think I'm going to have a breakdown or something?"

They rounded a corner, and he let two soldiers pass before saying, "You two have history."

"Hardly."

"I wouldn't call him slaughtering dozens of men and freeing you from slavery a 'hardly'."

"Poe. I'm doing fine." Her tone was controlled, her eyes restrained. Poe knew Jess well enough to know she was hiding something. Additionally, whenever a woman said she was fine, she was never fine.

"You still look up to him?"

She pursed her lips. "I…." Jess blinked, letting a moment pass by. "I look up to the person who sprung me from that hell," she whispered. "Do you judge me for that?"

"Why would I judge you?"

"This is Kylo Ren we're talking about," she flatly pointed out.

"From what I've heard, he was actually a good person… once upon a time."

Coming upon their destination, Jess entered the pass code and went inside. Poe hesitated, not knowing if it was proper to follow.

"It's still hard to have your hero turn out to be the man who's torn the galaxy apart," Jess said as she took off her jacket and draped it over the desk chair.

By continuing the conversation, Poe took that as an invite to cross the threshold into her room. "Snoke tore the galaxy apart. Ren was just his lap dog." The door closed, but Poe remained by the exit, eyes taking in Jess's living space. It wasn't strictly tidy, but it wasn't a complete mess either. It looked lived in.

It mirrored his room.

Jess scoffed. "Like there's a difference."

"There is." He watched her sit on the bed and take off her boots. "Snoke's been manipulating Ren since before he was born. That's what I've been told, anyway."

She glanced up, skeptical. "Sounds like an excuse to me. And how is that even possible?"

"From what little I know of the Force and what Rey has said, Snoke's been acting like the guys conscience or something. Maybe even planting thoughts into his mind."

Jess stood and in one swift motion, took off her shirt. Luckily, there was an undershirt as an extra barrier. Poe gulped. "Is that how you're able to be friends with him?" She went to the closet, tossing it into a hamper. "Because you tell yourself the way he turned out wasn't his fault?"

Poe held up his palms defensively. "Hey, I'm not saying he's faultless in all this. A lot of the blame still falls on him. And we're not great friends. I just… I don't know. Maybe I'm rooting for him to change because if he can, anyone could. Even the galaxy."

Fortunately, Jess stopped with the stripping and propped her rear against the desk, palms gripping the edge. She gazed at him curiously. "Sounds selfish if you look at it that way. You're his friend so he can give your hope credence."

"I've never claimed to be altruistic. And the way I talked to him before he left makes me think he might want me dead."

"What did you say?"

"That if he killed Finn, I'd fucking murder him."

Jess bit at her lips, suppressing an amused smile. "I'm sure he's used to getting death threats by now. One from you is hardly going to matter."

Poe wasn't so sure about that.

He cleared his throat. "Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about something."

"Shoot."

"Earlier, I had a meeting with General Organa and she wants me to head a mission." Jess frowned. "That's why I wasn't chosen for the recon operation. I've been going over the details to get ready."

"I haven't heard anything about another mission."

"This one is personal to her. Not even the council knows."

"Oh," was all Jess said.

"And I want you to come with me."

Face beaming, she threw her arms up in excitement. "Finally this conversation gets interesting. I'm in. And I'm sure Snap will join if you ask him."

"I should warn you, doing this can get us into trouble. The general isn't sure she can completely shield us from some sort of punishment."

Jess waved her hand through the air as she listed off their usual criteria for a mission. "Looming threats of consequences, lives in the balance, top secret mission – sounds like our day to day. When do we start?"

"You sure?"

"You know I'm sure." Jess quickly straddled the chair, getting herself nice and comfortable for a long briefing. Her giddiness almost made her bounce up and down, like a child expecting a treat. "Now stop leaving me in suspense and tell me what we're doing already. I'm in need of a vacation."

The fact she considered a mission a retreat twisted Poe's stomach into knots, because not for the first time he realized just how much alike they actually were.


	53. Bound For Good Fortune

The movement was fast and unexpected, hitting Finn in the back of the head and sending him to the floor. Caliiya stole the blaster from his weakened grasp as the Wookies roared. They stepped back when she angled the weapon at them. "You come at me and I'll pull this trigger. Understand?" The Wookies didn't move. It appeared threats were a universal language.

Finn groaned and rubbed his skull, gazing up at Caliiya from the vantage point of his knees. "What are you doing?" he asked, although it was obvious what she was doing: she was betraying him.

Her lips twitched, and her eyes welled up. However, her aim remained steady. "I can't go back to being indebted to Bala. You don't know what he makes me do. These Wookies were supposed to stop all that."

Finn stood, his head throbbing to the beat of his heart. What did she use to hit him with? Her fist? If that were so, she had one helluva punch. "I meant what I said when I told you I'd help you."

Caliiya laughed mockingly. "You? A wanted stormtrooper? You're in no position to help me." She turned to the entryway and yelled out, giving away their position. All the while he just watched Caliiya, watched as the conflict thickened in her eyes. But she avoided his stare.

Finn was cuffed and basically dragged to a part of the ship he wasn't familiar with. But unlike the rathtar situation, he paid close attention along the journey, memorizing each turn and length of passageway they took.

By the looks of all the various instrumentation, Finn guessed the room they entered was the main control quarters. They forced him to his knees next to Ren's still body, one of the guards hovering over Ren and giving him some sort of injection.

Finn studied his so-called partner. Only the slight twitch of a brow every few seconds and the fact his skin wasn't completely gray led him to believe that Ren wasn't in need of a grave and a headstone any time soon.

The Wookies moaned and grunted, but remained still as the three guards kept their blasters aimed and ready.

A handful of masked men remained in the room, all looking to their leader Bala-Tik, waiting. The Guavian walked over to Caliiya, smiling dangerously. "If you still think these two Wookies are going to change my mind about letting you go, you're mistaken."

Caliiya swallowed while keeping her head up, eyes defiant. "I don't think that. But would you be interested in a deserted stormtrooper from the First Order? The bounty on his head is worth a million credits."

Bala laughed in her face and Caliiya flinched away from his hot breath. "Well, that would be a deal worthy of paying off your debts. Is this where you try to convince me to let you go so you could find such a person, only to hide in the far reaches of space? Not the cleverest trick."

"No." She pointed at Finn, but still, she didn't glance his way. "That man is FN-2187. If you lend me a datapad, I can pull up the bounty and show you his photo." Finn didn't watch the proceedings, but instead stared intently at Ren. Poe once told him how Ren could somehow burn through a tranquilizer. Now would be a good time for the man to use such a skill.

Bala took in a breath. "I have to say, Caliiya, you really delivered. A million galactic credit bounty." There was a beat of silence. "Guess that means your freedom is now yours."

Caliiya exhaled, her relief evident by the subtle sob at the end. "My ship?"

"Still in hangar three. Helrin," Bala called up one his thugs. "Take her to her ship." She moved to the door, but her footsteps faltered. Finn wondered if she was looking back at him, but he would never know. He didn't turn to see. "If you ever need anything, you'll know how to contact me," Bala added.

"I won't." And then she was gone.

Bala paced around lazily, clapping the datapad against his palm, Kylo's family lightsaber swinging from his belt as he thought to himself for a considerable amount of time. "What to do with you, stormtrooper. What to do…. The bounty says you're wanted dead or alive, and I feel like I would get better cooperation out of you if you're dead."

Finn's neck twisted up, his heart keeping a steady pace. Interesting how death didn't faze him as much as it used to. Ever since fighting Ren in the snow, Finn had come to accept that his life would someday come to an end. Fearing it only made it worse. "What are you waiting for then?"

"Dragging out ones death can be rather torturous, wouldn't you agree? And if I remember correctly, you lied to me. You never won the Falcon in a game; you took it from a Resistance base. Now, why you and Kylo Ren are flying around the galaxy together doesn't really interest me. What does is the location of said base."

"You think I'd tell you something like that?"

"How loyal could a stormtrooper possibly be to a cause he's fought against most of his life?"

"Pretty loyal."

The gang leader quirked a brow, seeming to be in no rush. Then again, they were all waiting for the First Order to show up, and they already had the two wanted men. What else was there to do? "Aren't your loyalties supposed to be aimed elsewhere?"

"You mean to the organization who took me when I was a child and forced me into a life of servitude?"

"When you put it that way, I can see why you'd leave."

"So how about you let me go?"

Bala feigned thinking it over. "No. You see, I'm in this for the money. And telling the First Order the location of the Resistance base would surely hike up my reward." Finn ground his molars. "Don't want to cough it up? Fine. You're the real prize anyway."

Finn barely registered Bala give a nod before his muscles locked and contracted, the current of sudden electricity making him lose control over his body. He crumbled to the floor when given a reprieve, his limbs and chest on fire from the inside out. Then came another volt, his moan getting trapped in his lungs as he attempted breath.

One after another, the bursts of agony ripped at his insides, the pain stopping for a few seconds only to come back again. Bala asked no questions during the pauses. He just looked on, watching the torment impassively. This wasn't torture, Finn realized. This was how he was to die. Slowly. Cruelly.

As entertainment.

Bracing himself for the next shock… nothing came. Drooling onto the floor, Finn blinked rapidly, adjusting his hazy vision as fast as biology would allow. He heard the snapping noise first before he could decipher what it was. The thugs in the room, including Bala, had gone still, their forms vibrating in a way that wasn't natural. One after the other, Finn watched random bones on their bodies break, the sharp edges protruding out of their skin. It was horror in its most raw and original form.

And then behind him, the Wookies jumped one of the guards, tearing him to pieces.

Sirens added to the malevolence of the room, the lights slashing a red hue onto the already gory scene.

Then all at once, the bodies fell, pallid and unmoving. Finn didn't even notice that Ren was standing off to the left till the man drank in a giant gulp of stale ship air and fell to his knees, shaking uncontrollably, reaching for his saber. Finn scuttled over while on his side, stopping right next to Ren. The metal cuffs suddenly fell from Finn's wrists, allowing him to get to his knees without stumbling. Even though he was extremely sore, his eyesight and strength were returning quickly – which was good because Ren wasn't showing any signs of getting up.

"Can you walk?" Finn asked. Ren tried to stand, but collapsed. Wanting to get out of the bloody room, Finn swung Ren's arm around his shoulder and held onto the man's waist. Both Wookies went for a blaster before following the duo out into the hallway.

Finn nearly tripped over the upturned durasteel flooring, but caught himself. He was bearing most of Ren's weight and for once, the guy didn't protest against the extra help. Hand firmly gripped on his suit, Finn guided the partly lucid human weapon through the corridors and toward the hangar. With each turn, he found more of the dead lying about, the number now reaching the dozens. By the way each body was unnaturally positioned, it was obvious they died in the same manner as the ones back in the control room. Some even had their eyes missing, while others had half of their skull blown off, bodily fragments lining the walls and grated floor.

Alarms still rang loud and true, but it hadn't been caused by anyone manually setting them off. The amount of power Ren blasted throughout the ship didn't discriminate between organic or inorganic matter. Metal walls were warped, random cargo crates crushed, and the flooring now took on the appearance of waves from a turbulent, dark sea.

But through it all, the guy had enough awareness not to kill him and the Wookies.

_Did Caliiya make it off the ship in time?_

While his eyes were tempted to search among the bodies, Finn just couldn't look down anymore.

Stepping into the hangar, Finn came to a halt and Ren moaned in a way that sounded like he was about to puke. The Wookies softly grunted behind him, probably also shocked by the disturbing scene. Surveying the carnage, Finn couldn't believe all the people… lying still… on the floor. The fact that the place looked like it had just seen a battle didn't mean much to him. All his eyes could see was death and blood and mayhem.

And then he noticed swirls of black trickling in from behind a wall of cargo containers.

He coughed and glanced up, watching as a thick curdle of smoke formed a cloud above them, a light drizzle of ash falling and coating the area. Finn lurched forward and Ren gasped at the sudden movement.

The vessel suddenly burped and shuddered, causing them to trip over a few of the corpses. Through it all, Ren didn't seem fazed by the chaos or the impending doom in the slightest. His blasé demeanor made Finn want to grab Ren's face and force him to take a hard look at all he had done.

 _No time_.

"The ship isn't going to last much longer," Ren croaked.

"What about the Falcon?" Finn asked as they neared their only possible escape. All other ships weren't even close to being functional, but the light freighter was still standing. "If it's damaged–"

"It's not," Ren countered, putting more strength behind his voice, his legs bearing more of his weight.

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

As they came upon the light freighter, the ramp lowered and Ren stepped away from Finn, limping up the incline on his own, trying to establish his independence. The man barely made it inside before he fell to his hands and knees and dry heaved, his whole body uncontrollably quaking through each retch.

Finn awkwardly bent down next to him, not sure what to do as the Wookies just watched. Proper protocol would be to comfort the person currently ill, but nothing about Kylo Ren screamed rub-my-back-and-tell-me-everything-will-be-okay. And Finn didn't mean to be impatient – he did– but the Eravana was getting closer to blowing up with each passing minute.

Worse, the First Order was still on their way.

"Are you okay?" Finn asked once there was a lull in the nauseating theatrics.

Ren wiped reflexively at his mouth even though nothing had upended from his stomach. "Relative to what?"

"Relative to you just murdering a whole ship full of people."

Brushing the hair from his sweaty face and pallor skin, there was the shortest of pauses. And then Ren's voice, which was already low, bottomed out completely. "Murder is a weighted word." The man stood, closed the ramp, and walked to the cockpit with a purpose, seeming to have found strength from out of nowhere.

The Wookies kept some distance while Finn stayed close behind. "And what would you have me use instead?" he asked, watching Ren's hands breeze over the console controls, bringing the Falcon back online.

"Killed," Ren said offhandedly. "I just killed a whole ship full of people."

"Most of them weren't even in the room with us," Finn argued, moving closer to the co-pilot's chair. "Who knows how many were even on that ship."

The Falcon suddenly jerked, making Finn teeter and plop his rear onto the padded seat. But his eyes remained fixed on the sickly looking man piloting the vessel.

"You think any of those criminals would've let you live?" Ren debated as he sat and glided the ship through the thickening smoke. "They were all a part of the same gang. In this situation, guilt by association rings particularly true."

Finn watched them soar into space, leaving the cursed freighter behind. He sighed and rubbed at his eyes, the irritants of the smoke making them sting. "I'm not against you killing people who want us dead," he said more calmly. "I'm just saying the ones not in the room with us didn't pose an immediate threat."

Ren went into the navicomputer, punching in coordinates and waiting for a viable course to be found. "Like those men don't have a pair of working legs to take them to another part of the ship. They would have came after us in the end."

Finn inwardly cringed, because he actually agreed. He knew his own argument was weak. It was just…. All those people dead. Even with the enemy, killing never sat well with him.

The navicomputer dinged, and Ren sent the ship into lightspeed.

"Wait." Finn said in a raised voice. "Why are we jumping into hyperspace? We need to go to Jakku."

"Rey isn't there," Ren answered, setting the Falcon to autopilot.

"But–"

Ren angled his torso at Finn. "I felt her. She isn't on Jakku. She's on Spira."

All of that made zero sense. "I thought she was blocking you?"

Ren hesitated. "She was, but… I needed more power to take out the Guavian's."

Finn caught the insinuation and nailed him with some serious eye-to-eye. "You stole power from her?"

"She opened her side willingly," Ren bit back, not appreciating Finn's accusatory tone.

Bewildered, Finn shook his head. "Why would she do that when she's been hiding from you?"

"She might have thought I was going to die."

Finn's eyes went round. "You were going to die?"

"Rey interpreted it that way, but no," Ren answered as he stood, exiting the cockpit. "I was just expending a massive amount of energy."

Finn shadowed him to the main hold, seeing the Wookies sitting on some crates against the wall. "Your need for violence is going to get you killed one day."

Ren, who'd been walking in the direction of the furry humanoids, stopped and turned back. "Unlikely."

Finn's forehead puckered as he looked on with disbelief. "Must I remind you that you did die. On Lothal. Not too long ago."

"And through it all, I'm still alive."

"Thanks to Rey. If you hadn't received help on multiple occasions, you'd be dead by now. Is it ever going to be remotely possible for you to admit that you have faults?"

"I would if I had any."

Ren motioned for the Wookies to follow him, guiding them back to the living quarters. He came back out a few moments later, only to disappear down the corridor leading to the off ramp. Finn took a seat on the curved lounge bench, resting his arms on the Dejarik table. Down the hallway, it sounded like the floor was being upended, but Finn was suddenly too exhausted to care. Whatever Ren was doing was his business, because Finn was fed up with trying to converse with him. The arrogance, the flagrant disregard for life, and the air of entitlement that surrounded the guy tended to raise Finn's blood pressure to almost bursting.

Walking back into the main hold, Ren was now dressed in his usual dark attire and gray jacket, his hands transporting two large duffles to the corner by the medical alcove. He then rifled through a small cargo container, the sound of wrappers crinkling as Ren took out a handful of rations. The man crossed the room, stopped in front of Finn, and handed him some portions.

Finn eyed the bars suspiciously.

"What?" Ren asked, slightly waving the enfolded calories in front of Finn's face. "Have you never seen rations before?"

"I've never had you offer me anything before." When Finn didn't go for the bars, Ren left them on the table and went back to the small medbay. Sitting atop a sturdy crate, he ripped the packaging open and stuffed the whole bar in his mouth, licking his fingertips in between bites. Out of all the times Finn has witnessed Ren eat, this was the first time he saw him disregard all manner of etiquette.

What was even stranger was that Kylo opted to stay in the main hold instead of holing himself in his room. Which would allow him to be alone… which was his preference.

"One of the Wookies is taking my room." Ren nodded to the padded alcove. "I'm going to stay here for now."

Finn's stare narrowed. "Could you not read my thoughts?"

Ren didn't apologize, nor did he give any indication that he heard him.

Deciding not to wait on an apology that would never come, Finn brought up their immediate problem. "What are we going to do with the two Wookies?"

Taking another bite, Finn had to wait for Ren to chew and swallow before getting an answer. "We're on our way to a space station near Spira. There, we can find them a shuttle back home."

"You don't want to transport them back to Kashyyk yourself?"

Ren regarded him as he ate. "Already forgetting about finding your best friend?"

"No, I'm just–"

"No more distractions. We came here to find Rey and that's what we're going to do."

Finn agreed with Ren. Again. Which he hated. Starting in on his own bundle of food, the two men ate in silence, with Ren finishing first. Every now and then Finn glanced over, watching Ren stare at the alcove as if going over a memory.

 _There must be a lot of memories for him aboard this ship_. Ren flinched, and Finn wondered if he heard him.

Finn dragged in a rebellious breath, glanced down, and forced himself to say, "Thank you. For saving my life."

It was right about then when it happened. And Finn would have missed it if he hadn't chosen to crane his head up and look at Ren at that exact moment. The man was afraid, the fear shining brightly through those dark, moody eyes as he stared at his hands. But what was he so fearful of?

_Himself._

"You didn't know you could do something like that?" Finn stated more than asked. He was fully expecting Ren not to–

"No," Ren breathed out, still looking at those unfamiliar palms. "How–." He cleared his tight voice. "How many people do you think were on that ship?"

Finn blinked back his surprise at hearing such a question come from him. "I, uh, don't know. Thirty? Forty? Fifty maybe? You might've wiped out the whole gang." Ren squeezed his eyes shut and hunched over, exhaling as his elbows relaxed on his knees. Finn swallowed down the last remnants of sustenance, feeling the calories give strength to his strung out muscles.

With Ren still in the same position, Finn knew he should probably leave the man alone. But he needed answers. "Look, I need to know if Caliiya is dead on that ship."

Ren glanced up, his eyes glossy. "She got off."

"You sure?"

Ren nodded.

Finn relaxed against the back of the seat, relieved. "Good."

Ren adjusted his posture. "You do realize she's probably going to find you later on. Greed won't allow her to pass up that many credits. I should've just killed her to save you from the trouble." Even though the gesture of getting rid of her was twisted, Ren made it sound like he would do it on Finn's behalf.

Finn wasn't exactly sure how to feel about that.

But he knew one thing: he did wish to see Caliiya again. At least in the sense that he wanted to help her. Even after the betrayal, Finn understood why she'd done it. The desperation in her voice… she couldn't go back to essentially being owned by Bala-Tik. Finn recognized her need for freedom, because he'd been there himself.

"You say that like she's a burden," Finn said.

"Women always are."

"Don't go saying things like that around Rey."

Ren pursed his lips, fighting back a hint of a smile.

"So… " Finn said, his fingers tracing the checkered table. "I, uh, guess I should also thank you for not killing her when you found out what she did. I didn't know you abhorred slavery so much, given the stormtrooper program."

Appearing to have better control over his emotions, Ren crossed his arms and reclined against the wall. "I never agreed with the method of children being taken and forced into a life they never asked for. I pushed for clones to be implemented, but it wasn't my call."

"Maybe there was something you–"

"There was nothing I could have done," Ren interrupted, his voice almost coming across as sympathetic. "By the time I got there, Hux's program had been active for too long. And it was showing the results everyone wanted."

"You really wanted the clone program instead?"

"Yes, and I made it known to Hux every chance I could."

There was a pause. Finn dropped his eyes to the floor. "I, uh, know this is probably going to come off the wrong way, but why are you here… talking to me like this?"

Ren frowned. "Like what?"

"Like we get along or something."

Now it was Kylo's turn to look away, his stare roaming over the pile of crates to his left. Brows knit, jaw clenched, lips thinned, the guy was perplexed by the question. _No,_ Finn thought. Ren understood the question. It was the lack of an answer that made the man stumble and go quiet.

Finn frowned. "You know, I'd usually assume you're ignoring my question, but I truly think you don't know how to answer it." All he could do was blink and watch the man by the alcove. And Finn was sometimes confused by human emotion? Ren appeared absolutely lost. "So… all the things I've heard about Snoke breaking you and poisoning your mind is really true then," Finn said before he could stop himself.

Ren's head snapped up. "What?"

"Well, he took you when you were a child."

Ren gazed at Finn as if he said something outrageous. Or his skin just got darker. Or he'd grown an extra head on his shoulders. Or something.

Who the hell knew.

"He didn't take me when I was a child," Ren corrected him. "I chose to go to him when I was older."

Finn could be wrong – he wasn't – but it sounded like Ren was almost proud of that decision. And how twisted was that? Did Ren even realize how much Snoke ruined his life? Like, truly? Finn only heard the stories from Rey, but he had enough perspective to see that Ben Solo had been mentally abused since he was a baby.

Sitting and staring, it was like Finn was looking at a whole different person, someone who was still living with disillusionment. "For someone who abhors slavery, I'm baffled you can't see it."

Ren glanced around the room, his annoyance tightening his face. "See what?"

"Snoke enslaved you the moment you were born."

Ren growled. "I'm not a slave."

Finn wasn't intimidated. "Maybe not right now, but you were. Like I was. I mean, how do you know your thoughts were even your own? That was the hardest part for me, realizing that who I was was different than who they were trying to make me into." Finn never talked to anyone about his experience, not even with the other troopers. But there was something liberating with doing so here, now, with Kylo Ren. The man who once tried to murder him.

Finn looked at Ren's face, waiting for the tint of anger. But none came. The man just sat there, staring, appearing suddenly exhausted.

 _He knows_ , Finn thought. _He knows it's the truth._

Neither spoke as time dragged on, the hum of hyperspace filling the void. Finn considered saying something else, but were words really necessary? Sometimes, silence was an acceptable way of showing empathy.

Seeing how Finn still had his own personal room, he decided now was a good time to use it. After he cleaned up in the refresher, of course. Heading to the living quarters, he stopped halfway when he heard Ren's voice. "Were you really willing to die for the Resistance back there?"

Finn turned. "I was."

"Why?"

Finn found the answer to be quite easy. "Because my whole life, I've never had choices. And that's what the First Order wants to take away from the galaxy: the right to choose. I want the chance to know what it feels like to live as a free man, to make my own decisions. So yeah, I was willing to die for a cause that believes in the individual, and that was my choice to make. You might think I'm naïve and small minded, but at the end of the day, it's better to fight for something I believe in than to live for nothing."

In a tone that was so matter-of-fact, Ren said, "Freedom is a state of mind. It's not real."

Finn gaped. "If you truly believe that, then I feel sorry for you." He turned to depart, leaving Ren to be alone.

Later that night, as Finn lied awake in bed, he thought over how therapeutic it was to talk about his time with the First Order, even if it was brief. Swinging his legs off the mattress, he went to his bags, finding his datapad. He sat down, lifting the tablet level with his face before initiating it to record.

"Hi," he said nervously. "I'm not really sure how to start one of these things, and I don't know if anyone will ever see this, which is fine. I'm doing this more for myself than for other people. So if anyone ever ends up watching this, I'm sorry if as I tell my story, it comes off choppy and confusing."

Finn leaned back so his spine rested against the wall, getting comfortable. "My name is Finn, and I am a former stormtrooper of the First Order."

()()()()()

Rey stood on the stoop, eyes grazing over the worn, metal door. After a lifetime of questioning where she came from, she was finally on the cusp of clarity.

Coming to Dandoran, specifically the city of Segin, had taken a full day according to the Galactic Standard Calendar. All the while, Rey researched the city that housed the Ropetho outpost, making a plan of where to go first.

This part of the planet was dominated by a large section of forest, it's evergreen trees, rolling hills, and high mountains and random lakes reminding Rey of Takodana. Except Maz's world had more green foliage on the floor, while here was mostly dirt and pine needles.

Hiding the freighter in a clearing a mile out of town, she followed the signs to civilization, running most of the way to tire out her nerves. The outpost was at the heart of the city, it's massive structure looking to be more like a multi-leveled shopping center. It stretched high into the sky, multiple docking ports attached to each level. There was heavy foot traffic inside, the noise of chatter overpowering whatever music was being played overhead.

This place was more like an indoor city than a trading post, especially when compared to Niima. Finding some employees in one of the many shops, they were able to answer most of her questions, painting her a clear picture of what happened to the once powerful family. Over centuries of building up their success, the family came to own the whole town, or at least had stakes in the other businesses. That was until the head of the family sold the empire a decade ago, him and his wife becoming recluses out in the woods north of town. After the passing of the husband a few years back, the wife, Soniee, was all that was left of the clan, the old woman opting never to venture into town again.

No one knew why the couple pulled out of all the prestige and wealth, and Rey could certainly tell it was still a hot topic of discussion and speculation.

But even through the depressing tale, she still had hope that there was at least one person left that could possibly be her family.

Which is how she came to this very doorstep, her newly heightened nerves giving her pause. What if the answers she sought were inside, with this woman? What if the truth was worse than living in the dark? What if Rey couldn't handle it?

Considering she probably already received the worst news of her life in the form of her parent's murder, she raised her knuckles and rapped on the door.

And waited.

And waited some more.

And began doubting if anyone was home.

Disappointed, she pivoted to leave. "Who's there?" an elderly woman voice said from the inside.

Rey spun around, almost tripping over her feet as she jumped up to the door. "I–." She stopped. _What did I say?_ "I'm looking for the last member of the Ropetho family."

"Why?"

Rey hesitated, and then said, "I want to know about their history."

"You a reporter?"

"No. Just someone that's curious."

There was a pause. "Why should I tell you anything?"

"I think your history might help piece together my past."

Silence ensued as Rey's eyes darted between the scratches on the steel door.

At last, the barrier slid to the side, revealing an elderly woman sitting in a highly modernized hover chair. Her wintry white hair rested on her shoulders, her blood-flecked eyes giving Rey a dubious look. In her lap was a tiny blaster, hand wrapped around the grip, a crooked finger on the trigger, but she didn't lift it– which was a relief. She looked at Rey with pure shock before her facial expression dulled. "You tied to one of the other businesses in town?"

"I think so." A quaint breeze brushed past Rey, tousling her loose hair. The woman, who Rey assumed was Soniee, shivered, her thin beige tunic and trousers not doing much to warm her. Rey almost offered to come inside so the door could be closed, but her eyes fell back to the blaster, reminding her that this woman was very guarded.

Rey stuck to the summarized truth. "I was orphaned very young and my search for answers has led me here."

Soniee clucked her tongue, impatient. "What do you want to know?"

Rey chose to start with current events, since her existence fell under that category. "Why did you sell your assets ten years ago?"

"My husband was the one who sold it all."

"Did something happen to drive him to that decision?"

Soniee was forthright with the answer, explaining the circumstances quickly. "He didn't want any of it anymore. His life always revolved around what he could leave behind for his children, but with the death of our two sons and the disappearance of our daughter, we had no one to leave anything to. Our children were everything to him." By the end, her voice mingled with the bitterness of loss.

"I'm so sorry," Rey offered, taking a deep breath before pressing the woman further. "You said your daughter disappeared? Did you ever find out what happened to her?"

"No. And it wasn't just her that vanished. Her husband and daughter went missing as well." She glanced down. "It was… a hard time to get through."

Rey nodded solemnly, letting Soniee have a moment. "What were their names?" she asked softly.

The woman wiped at her eyes, even though there was no evidence of tears. "Maridia, Jacen, and their daughter Reyna."

Rey felt a thrill of hope run through her. _This is the place._ "Was Maridia your actual daughter?"

Soniee straightened. "Excuse me?"

"Did you adopt her?" 

The woman's nostrils flared. "I gave birth to her, as I did all my children. Now, I think it's about time you leave." Soniee went for the control panel, but Rey twisted her arm inside and covered the mechanism.

"I look like her, don't I? That's why you were surprised when you opened the door. You thought I was her."

Soniee blanched at Rey's audacity, and struggled to form words. "What do you want? You want money? Is that why you're trying your hand with this con?" Because Rey saw that Soniee's chest was trembling, because she knew that she had indeed brought up the woman's pain, because she could see this topic was her weak spot, Rey fell silent. "If you need help, there is a shelter in town you can go to."

They kept eye contact, but as Rey's stare softened, Soniee's grew hard. Rey let her hand fall down to her side.

"My family is dead," Soniee spat out, her features contorting in anger. "And you are a sick young woman to come here and try to persuade me that you're my daughter."

"Not your daughter, but –" Soniee suddenly went for the activation panel, initiating the door shut, the steel almost grazing the tip of Rey's nose. She leaned back, shocked.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

"If you ever come on my property again, I'll shoot you myself!" Soniee's muffled voice yelled.

Rey's steps were heavy as she reeled back, eventually turning to face the trail that led her here. Every few meters, she would stop and glance over her shoulder. She didn't want to leave, not when she was so close to knowing about a slice of her life. That woman in there… she was her family. The only living relative she had left.

Rey couldn't give up. Wouldn't.

She'd come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that until Soniee finally listened to her. Rey could deal with having a blaster bolt fired her way. By now, she was quite accustomed to it.

And seeing that woman's pain and sorrow, the uncertainty, she deserved to know what happened to her daughter. No more mysteries for either of them.

As Rey turned onto the busy walkway to enter into the city, her eyes swept over the meandering locals, and she thought to herself that at some point, she was bound to get some good news. With all of Skywalker's lectures focusing on balancing her emotions, the concept had to also apply to life in general. Right?

So tomorrow was going to work out, because she was statistically long overdue for some serious good fortune.

And then, after she gets her past in order, Rey would need to decide how to rejoin the fight against the First Order. Going back to the Resistance was not an option. Nor could she contact Finn or Poe, since they probably were disgusted with her.

The only choice left was Ben. But Rey still needed time to think through an apology before contacting him.

Passing through the city, she took the dirt road leading to the nearby lake, its path winding up and up until she had a clear view of the water. Keeping left, the thick trees soon obstructed her view as she made her way down the hill, getting closer to the clearing where she landed the freighter.

Rounding a short bend in the road, Rey's stomach growled, demanding to be fed. But her trial with trying to cook in the kitchen on the way over here had ended disastrously. She should've picked something up in town, but being so close to the ship, she decided to stick with rations.

Rey groaned as she thought of how she needed to clean–

She froze. Stopped breathing. And blinked.

There, standing only a short distance down the path, was the last person Rey ever expected to see:

Finn.


	54. One Battle After The next

Finn stared fixedly out of the foreport. His vision swept over the evergreen trees, rolling hills, and Ren's freighter Rey had stolen. Ren was quiet in the pilot's seat, his position mirroring closely to Finn's. Though, the man seemed to be a thousand times more tense than Finn felt.

Getting to Dandoran had been a longer process than both of them were willing to acknowledge. Neither one ever talked about the wasted time; speaking of it made it seem more real.

Spira had been a failure. From deciphering recent landing patterns on the outskirts of the island, they'd concluded Rey had been there. Probably left no more than a half-day before their arrival. Ren had even gone off on his own, trudging through the tropical landscape in hopes that she had relocated the ship.

He came up empty.

Her presence was no longer on the island.

Finn mostly kept his thoughts to himself after that. While he still didn't get along with Ren very well, he could tell the guy was trying to leash his frustration. And Finn did not want to be the reason he exploded.

Dropping the Wookies at the nearby space station had been a learning experience for Finn. He able to observe a side of Ren he usually saved for only Rey: Patience. Understanding. Courteousness. Honestly, Finn had been expecting Ren to dump the Wookies and leave, in turn forcing Finn to be the guardian of the two hairy humanoids. But Ren escorted them to the embassy of the Mid Rim Mytaranor Sector all on his own, with Finn in tow. Once inside, the man even acted as an interpreter. Of course, Finn had to wait outside before Ren would do it. Force forbid he hear Ren speak Shyriiwook. 

Before leaving, Finn brought up how Threepio would have been useful at a time like that. All that earned him was a very long, uncomfortable stare.

After figuring out the Wookies travel arrangements and bidding them farewell – in which both Kylo and Finn received two big, furry hugs – the men reconvened back on the Falcon. Brainstorming all possible scenarios, they both named the only possible place that meant anything to Rey: Dandoran. The place her mother was from. The planet that might hold her ancestral secrets.

There had been some sort of desperation behind Ren voicing the idea of Dandoran. It wasn't about the worry over not finding Rey there. It was something Finn couldn't decipher.

But he didn't pry.

And now here they were, sitting in the cockpit for almost an hour in complete silence. One would think Ren would have at least cracked a smile at finding the freighter. Or run off the ship yelling Rey's name. But he never showed a single sliver of emotion. Over the last hour, he looked more like a sculpted piece of plastoid rather than a living piece of flesh.

Finn leaned against the armrest and stared intently at the pilot. "So... what's the plan here?"

"You've asked that three times already," Ren replied, his tone sounding irritated.

"And you haven't responded till now. I just want to know how you want to handle this." Finn sank back into the chair, head resting on his knuckles as he grumbled, "If I'm annoying you, it's only a bonus."

"You only annoy me when you're breathing."

Finn was getting used to Ren's frequent usage of dry humor. At least he liked to think those sharp comments were hidden sarcasm.

The alternative was unsettling.

"You should learn how to fly a ship," Ren said suddenly.

Finn's eyes widened as they slowly shifted to the strange man. "Yeah… I should. Someday I'll–"

"I can show you some of the basics tomorrow, or whenever we get time. Flying is a valuable skill to have."

"It is." _Unless you purposefully teach me how to crash_. _Then I'll be conveniently dead and you can blame it on my lack of piloting ability._ Finn's stare narrowed. "Are you being serious right now?"

Kylo glanced at him, and then went back to staring at the scenery. "I don't want to be flying the freighter around the whole time."

"Rey knows how to fly."

"You want to learn or not?" Ren snapped.

Finn lifted up a palm to ward off the temperamental outburst. "Yeah. Fine. I want to learn."

_I do think Poe would be a better teacher._

Ren reclined back to his usual position. "He probably would be."

Finn huffed. "Do you always hear what I'm thinking?"

"Actually, I've been trying not to. You've been thinking about that bounty hunter way too much." Finn's face flushed. Ren peered at him from the corner of his eye. 

Finn unnecessarily cleared his throat. Pulled at his collar. "Anyway, uh.... What exactly do I say to Rey?" This got Ren's full attention. "It's not that I don't know what to say. It's just I don't want to say the wrong thing."

Ren stared down at his hand clutching the armrest, looking at the limb in a way Finn wasn't sure he was aware of. The angle really showed off the man's hollow cheeks, the dark bags under his eyes. Now he seemed more human. "Tell her what she wants to hear," Ren quietly answered.

"Which would be what?"

"That it's never too late to come back." He looked up. "That there are people who still care about her."

Nodding his head, Finn ground his teeth, sensing that what Ren spoke of was probably more personal than he would like to admit. "I'm still rather new to this whole friend thing," Finn confessed with shame.

"So am I."

"And we're the ones looking for her? You, who's anti-social, and me, who grew up as nothing but a number?"

"I'm not anti-social. I just don't like people."

Finn gave him a flat stare. "Label yourself however you like, you're still you." Ren's lips became a slant. "You know, having Poe here would be helpful. At the very least, he could charm her into coming with us."

"Don't devalue your importance to her," Ren stated. "You're a good friend to Rey."

 _Mark that under things-I-never-expected-Kylo-Ren-to-say-to-me._ "How do you know?"

Ren adjusted his weight in the seat. "I can tell by the way she talks about you. How you are around her."

"I don't know. I treated her pretty badly after finding out about you and her."

"Rey is a very forgiving person."

"I guess you'd know."

"Only partly." Finn frowned, wondering if Rey truly hasn't forgiven Ren for everything he's done. Then how could she be with him?

Ren leaned over the console, pointing to the right of his commandeered ship. Finn sat up, eyes following. "That road looked to lead straight into the city as we flew over. Walk about half a mile in and wait for her. Any closer and she might be able to sense I'm here."

"She's gonna know you're here when she sees me. What if she bolts?"

Ren gazed at him as if the answer was obvious. "Then run after her."

"What if she fights me?"

"Try to pin her down." Ren's face lit up with an idea. He began to stand. "Or actually, there's some rope in the utility closet–"

"You want me to tie her up?!"

Ren froze and then dropped back into the chair, running a hand through his dark hair. "No. You're right. Her abilities in the Force wouldn't allow you to get close enough."

Finn rapidly blinked, his mouth agape. "Yeah, that's not why I was disagreeing. Tying someone up in the middle of a forest doesn't exactly look innocent."

Ren shrugged. "As long as the job gets done."

Finn couldn't believe that the person who actually had a childhood was struggling to recognize proper social behavior. "Okay," Finn breathed out as he got to his feet. This weird turn in the conversation was Finn's cue to leave. "Wish me luck."

"There's no such thing as luck; there is only adequate or inadequate preparation to cope with a statistical universe."

"Without luck, how else would you explain the success of people who don't deserve it?"

Ren opened his mouth. Closed it. The man was completely taken aback by Finn's quick retort.

Finn smiled to himself as he walked through the cockpit access corridor and down the boarding ramp. It felt nice stumping Ren for once. That guy needed to learn he wasn't the smartest person in the galaxy.

()()()()()

Leia entered the private medical room, her brother and Artoo accompanying her. In the middle of the hygienic, acrid smelling quarters laid a propped up Ematt, a light blanket folded up to his chest. Braced by his shoulders, a metal halo wrapped around his head, four metal screws embedded into his skull to keep him from moving. Heavy, dark bags swelled underneath his eyes. If she didn't know him personally, she would have thought him to be twenty years older than he actually was.

Off in the distance, the muffled cries of a baby could be heard. During the night, the young woman from Lothal had given birth to a healthy baby boy. She should ask Harter when would be a good time to visit the family _._ From what she'd witnessed, those people seemed to be friendly with her son.

It had been a long time since Ben had any friends.

"General," Ematt greeted, his voice scratchy and low. "Master Skywalker." Leia moved closer, eyeing the machinery and tubes as Luke walked to the opposite side of the bed. The ambiance of the facility was robotic, stiff, an atmosphere Leia wasn't particularly fond of.

She stood over him, opting out of using the chair since he wouldn't be able to turn his head to see her. "How are you feeling?" Leia asked, genuinely wanting to know.

Ematt licked at his lips, rubbing them together. "Lucky to be alive."

"Harter told me you have some feeling in your toes. That's a good sign."

"She wants to start me on liquid metal therapy to reattach the nerves that don't respond to the normal treatments."

"I've heard promising things about that therapy."

"Yeah… I could get full functionality back." Leia picked up on the bitter tone, but couldn't decipher where it was pointed. "Pardon my frankness, but we both know why you're here. You want to know what happened to Rey's parents."

Leia intertwined her fingers, looking of authority in her regal blue gown. "I do."

"You've seen the recording?"

"We have," Luke responded curtly.

Ematt glanced at the Jedi Master, but couldn't keep eye contact with that hard stare. "It wasn't supposed to go like that."

"You came off threatening enough," Leia pointed out.

Ematt briefly closed his eyes. "I know, but that was just to make her talk. Neither of them were to be harmed. All we were after was information."

"You accused Maridia of being a secret descendant of Palpatine," Luke stated. "How did you even come to that conclusion?"

"I didn't. The New Republic did. Shortly after the Empire fell, one of the senators set up a meeting with me. We had grown up together, our careers taking us in different directions. By the time he got in touch with me I was only a lieutenant, but he trusted me and wanted to put me in charge of a confidential assignment." Ematt hesitated for a moment, his voice getting low. "Made it seem like if I did an exemplary job, I would be promoted."

"Other senators backed it?" Leia asked.

Ematt twitched, as if trying to nod. "Yes. About a dozen of them knew about it."

"What was the assignment exactly?"

Clearing his throat – more out of discomfort than necessity – Ematt went onto explain the specifics. "When going through the Empire's archives, there were these private lists of names that were found, the only person allowed access to them being Vader. Speculation arose as to what they were. Some thought it to be Vader's way of keeping track of Palpatine's descendants – either in fear of one of them surpassing him in power or at the bequest of Palpatine wanting Vader to make sure they were safe."

A hard line drew in between Leia's brows. "I remember hearing whispers that Palpatine had offspring for the sole purpose of creating powerful Force wielders. But the rumor never gained much traction. Sith believe in the power of only two."

"But what if Palpatine wanted to change all that? What if the rumors were true?" Ematt spoke passionately. "This is what people feared after the Empire fell: Another Palpatine taking power."

Leia shared a glance with Luke.

"So…" Luke peered back down at the man. "Your job was to go through these lists?"

"I was given a small team, and each person I assigned to a name. They would research heavily into their family background, finding things that didn't add up or were questionable."

"And Maridia's background didn't fit together," Leia surmised.

"No. We checked the mother's medical records going back nine months from Maridia's supposed birth, and there was not one doctor visit. With her other two children, she'd been consistent with prenatal care, but there was nothing for her last pregnancy. Also, the documentation of the birth was a forgery."

Leia moved closer, avoiding the machinery to her left. "How did the mother come to get the child?"

"I don't know. We visited her home, but Maridia wasn't there and the mother refused to answer any of our questions. We never found out how she came to have the child."

"And then the operation was shut down and the details destroyed," Luke added.

"They tried covering it up," Ematt said. "But I was able to save some of the information by hiding it deeper in the archives."

Leia was briefly shocked into speechlessness. Luke was the one who broke through the silence. "Why would you do that?"

Ematt averted his gaze to the ceiling. Leia heard every gulp of his repetitive swallowing. "I… I've always felt horrible for what happened to Maridia and Jacen. Even after all these years, I've never forgotten their names. Their faces." His skin flushed with anger. "But those senators did. That shouldn't happen to someone. People shouldn't be erased like that." He paused. "And…."

"And?" Luke pushed.

Calming down and frowning, Ematt said, "Something wasn't right about that whole operation. One of the names didn't fit with the others. All manner of his background checked out and I couldn't figure out why his name would be there."

"What name?"

"Korkie Kryze."

Leia and Luke responded simultaneously. "House Kryze of Mandalore?"

Ematt's eyes bounced between the two. "Yes. His name made me question what the list was for." _It should_ , Leia thought. There would be no reason for the Empire to look into House Kryze. "I tried bringing it up during a meeting, but the senators ignored me. It was then I thought them to be wrong. But I was young, trying to rise the ranks." His eyes shimmered, cheeks burned. "So I kept doing my job."

 _He's ashamed,_ Leia observed _. Ambition always has its own set of consequences._

Deciding to look into House Kryze personally, Leia dampened her confusion and asked, "Did the senators ever try searching for Rey?"

"Only I did. They didn't care, so I did it personally. But after a year of looking, I came up with nothing." Taking in a shuddering breath, Ematt could no longer control his remorse. Tears streamed down his cheeks, getting lost in his thick, white beard. "I've been waiting my whole life for some sort of punishment. Only thing is… I deserve worse than this."

Narrowing her eyes, Leia became stern. "You're doing the liquid metal therapy, Caluan."

"Why should I?"

"Because you aren't the type of person who just gives up," she countered.

Ematt sniffled, trying to stop his nose from running. Grabbing a nearby tissue, Leia wiped at his face and patted his nose, a gesture she'd done for Ben when he was just a boy. It was odd to do it for her friend.

"My time at the Resistance is over, isn't it?" Ematt asked.

Leia placed the tissue on the nearby table. "Yes."

"Am I to be prosecuted for what I've done?"

"A trial like yours would fall under the jurisdiction of the New Republic. Seeing how what's left of the government is scrambling to keep control, I doubt they would ever look into this."

"What will happen to the girl?"

Luke's stare burned into her, waiting for Leia to answer. "We're still trying to figure that out."

 _Like a true politician: Never giving a complete answer_ , her inner voice said.

The rods connected to Ematt's head squeaked as he tried to turn his head. "She can't be punished for this, Leia," he implored. "I ruined that girl's life. She deserved justice."

"What she did was revenge."

"Does it really matter?"

Leia wasn't sure.

The door opened. A medical droid entered and asked them to leave so Ematt could have privacy for his daily changing. Ematt watched her as she walked to the entrance and left.

Leia was allowed only two steps into her office before Luke pegged her with his questions.

"What is going to happen to Rey?"

Wheeling around, Leia didn't hide her annoyance. "I could ask you the same thing, and neither of us would have an answer." She went to the desk, rifling through the stacks of datapads.

"She can't be arrested or detained."

"I know."

"She's important not just to Ben, but to–"

"I know!" Leia repeated harshly, slamming the datapad onto the desktop. Luke stared at her, expressionless. Artoo's head swiveled from one twin to the other. "You act like I've forgotten the underlying problem of Snoke. I haven't. But I also have an entire Resistance to run and a government on the cusp of disintegrating entirely. Both take up the majority of my time." Leia sat indignantly and picked up the datapad. Luckily, she didn't break it. She put on a show of going through reports and memos, but really, her brain didn't register a single word of what she was reading.

Luke waited a couple minutes before taking a seat in the guest chair across from her. "Still haven't heard from Ben?"

Frustration mixed with worry at the mention of her son's name. Leia glanced up. "Finn sent me a message that they were fine, but they still haven't found her."

"You were hoping to hear from Ben, though." She heard the lack of a question in his tone.

Leia remained silent. Luke already knew she wanted to hear from Ben. She didn't need to add anything. Not much to add anyway. Was she disappointed that her son still wouldn't take the time to contact her? Of course. Was she tired of complaining about it? Absolutely. Should Luke stop trying to talk to her about it?

_Yes._

Luke sat there, staring at her with all the patience in the universe, looking like the knowledgeable Jedi Master everyone thought him to be. Keeping her eyes on her hand-held, Leia went for a change in subject. "I'm going to organize an assault against one of the First Order's factories. Plans should be finalized by tonight." Halfway through, she had started frowning, a deep tug in her mind stretching to the pit of her stomach, making her squirm.

As always, Luke picked up on it. "What's bothering you?"

Leia sighed, but tolerantly this time. "There are some details that just don't make sense." Placing the datapad to the side, she rested her arms on the desk. Her voice dipped low, even though they were alone. "If these factories are indeed as important to them as Ben said, why was there no measure of security? Snap and his team could have flown directly over them if they wanted to."

Luke stroked his beard, thinking. "Could be they think those locations are safe."

"It's not like the First Order to think that way. And Ben is with us now." _Mostly_. "They have to know he would give us intel."

"Maybe they're pulling most of their military elsewhere."

Leia considered that for a moment. "You think they could be moving against Coruscant?"

"That's a very strong –"

Statura abruptly entered. His eyes went immediately to Luke, making him freeze as if intimidated.

"Admiral, the meeting isn't for another hour –" Leia stopped as she further scrutinized Statura's demeanor. His eyes were sunken in, beads of sweat culminating above his brow. His hands shook.

Before she could speak Luke shot to his feet, lids popping wide. "Sound the alarm to evacuate the base," he hastily ordered Leia as he grabbed her.

"What's going on?" Bewildered, Leia twisted her arm from Luke's tugging grasp.

"The First Order isn't going to Coruscant," Luke spoke quickly. "They're coming here."

Unmoving, she held her brother's hard gaze. Then she was staggering to the panel behind her desk, frantically entering the code to initiate the evacuation signal.

The low, rhythmic alarm sounded off from the hallways.

"I'm sorry," Statura whispered, down casting his pained stare to Leia's ornate rug. "They have my wife and daughter." Luke and Leia stilled momentarily.

"How much have you told them?" she asked.

"Everything."

Leia walked up to Statura. "How much time do we have?"

"Minutes. I came to tell you. And now my family will die because of it. But I just…" The man now looked to be a child, conflicted and terribly desolate. "I didn't know what to do, Leia. I'm so sorry."

"Leia. Lets go," Luke said from the entryway. Leia ignored him.

She stepped closer to the man that has been her confidant for so long. The man that was there for her when her own brother and husband couldn't be. "We can get your family back. If you come with us –"

"No," he said sternly. "I have cemented their fate. As well as my own.

Lips quivering, voice cracking, Leia whispered, "But I need you."

Statura's features slightly softened, his voice low and full of absolute sincerity. "General, you've never needed anyone." They held each other's gaze for a moment, her heart threatening to burst.

Leia extended her hand. Statura took it.

"Leia!" Luke yelled as this time he forcibly pulled her away. She didn't fight him. "He doesn't want to leave, and we need to go."

Leia stole one last glance at her dear friend before being led into the hallway.

()()()()()

Poe meandered through the breakfast line, stacking various foods onto one plate, creating a mound of calories. Should be enough for both him and Jess – or just him. He wasn't exactly sure what she preferred to eat in the mornings.

Munching on one of the berry muffins, he walked back to Jess's room, his bulky orange flight suit swishing with every step.

All through the night, the two of them had gone over the plans for their upcoming mission, both not wanting to get a second of sleep until everything was in order. Most was done by the time Jess conked out at five in the morning, but Poe kept working on the back up plans. From experience, he knew those were just as important as the original design.

But even Poe had his limits when it came to lack of sleep. To wake himself up, he took his X-wing for a much needed maneuver drill, viewing the sunrise in the process. Those quiet, tranquil moments had a way of reminding him of his mother. Like she was actually there with him. Pointing out the different colors in the sky as his childlike eyes looked upon it all in wonder.

Entering the room, Poe slowed his footsteps and lightly walked to the desk. Jess was hunched over, her head resting on her arm as strands of dark hair hung over her relaxed face. Quietly setting down the feast, Poe moved closer and crouched by her side. To get a better view, he carefully brushed the hair from her features, the tips of his fingers softly caressing her youthful skin.

Her eyes opened. Poe froze. There was a long moment where neither moved. Both just stared.

And then he kissed her. Kissed her like he'd forgotten any other mouth his lips had ever touched. Kissed her until she moaned. Kissed her with his hands cupping her face. Slowly. Taking his time like there was nowhere else he'd rather be.

Both now standing, she grabbed onto his flight suit and pushed him up against the wall, their soft lips now turning into passionate tongues. Hands dipping below her shirt, his fingers scrapped against the contours of her back, causing her to groan.

Jess answered his touch by going for the zipper of–

An alarm sounded out in the hall, making Jess scramble back and instinctively get in a fighting position. Poe's heart, which was already beating fast, now skyrocketed.

"The First Order," he said. Jess met his stare.

They darted from the room and through the maze of corridors. As he pushed through the throngs of people, Poe commed BB-8 to meet him at his X-wing.

The base shuddered.

Lights went out, casting the halls into darkness before the emergency power activated. Even though the base was old, they had taken the necessary precautions to have an off-site battery and a supplementary generator. But that was only going to last so long.

Sprinting into his assigned hangar, Poe skimmed to a halt. He heard the screeching of incoming TIE's.

Outside fire entered the open hangar, hitting Poe's precious X-wing. It was a perfect shot right on the fuel line.

Poe hit the ground hard. His sight took a few seconds to refocus. Sloppily, he wiped soot from his face with the back of his hand, but smoke had filled his eyes with tears.

Just as he started to believe BB-8 had perished with his ship, the astromech was by his side, nudging him fully back to consciousness. He sat up, trying to show his elation over his best buddy being alive. All that came out was a string of coughs.

Poe gazed at the damage. All the X-wings were in flames. People were running away, wraiths in the smoke. Others were so brightly lit by the fire, they looked like they were burning. Then they were obscured by more smoke.

Jess ran up, panting. Poe stood.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

He cleared his throat. "We need to find a ship."

Jess agreed.

The two humans and droid trekked to the next hangar, one that was used for bulkier storage. Poe recalled seeing some A-wings in there last week.

No luck. All the fighter ships were either gone, or crushed from parts of the fragmented ceiling, leaving Poe with minimal choices of the bigger transports. His roaming eyes stopped on a CR90 corvette. It was the smallest of the ships, and the only one to be manufactured by the Corellian Engineering Corporation. If anyone knew how to build fast, turbo packed vessels with a punch, it was the Corellians.

"The corvette is our best chance," Poe decided as they sprinted to their only lifeline.

"You aren't worried about the axial blind spot?" Jess asked when they got to the ramp.

"Our options are–"

"Poe!" They turned at the sound of his name, seeing Terr rushing towards them, holding a bundle of blankets in his arms.

Scratch that. It wasn't just blankets – it was a baby.

A few meters behind Terr was Lizari and Garreaus, the burly man holding on tight to a small child.

Loading ramp lowered, Poe motioned for them to run faster. Another explosion. Another chunk of the ceiling crashing down not too far from the vessel. Poe put his sleeve up to his nose, trying not to breathe in the duracrete dust, his eyes squinting as he tracked the outlines of the trio.

Helping the newly acquired passengers onto the ship, Poe ordered them to go to one of the back cabins to strap in. Jess and him headed to the front.

In the cockpit, Poe took the lead, firing up the engines as BB-8 tethered himself to the floor. Launching the ship through the newly created hole, his heart skipped a beat from dread. Two Star Destroyers blanketed the sky. Hundreds of Tie fighters swarmed the convoluted battle. Beyond the atmosphere was unpolluted space, evidence that Trend had ordered the Resistance fleet into hyperspace before all hell had broken loose.

Immediately the ship was pummeled by laserfire. Targeted by seeker drones. Swarmed by wave after wave of TIEs. The Star Destroyers left little opening for straight out escape. The only option was to fly parallel for as long as possible till they cleared the Star Destroyers.

But Poe was being overwhelmed. Already the shields were at half capacity. It was going to take a lot of jinking and junking to make it.

There were hundreds of flashes, each propelling their own repercussion that rattled his bones. Astromech squeals could be heard over the radio, along with their masters – then, nothing. They were gone. Not just from their demise, but the radio signal was starting to be jammed. Cockpit going silent, Poe's pupils were still able to witness the Resistance pilots and soldiers being taken out in mass quantities.

Maybe this was the end for him as well.

And for those on board.

_The children._

Shoulders tensing, Poe pulled the steering yoke, sending them arching upward after a TIE as he initiated the dual turbolasers. He would have to fight his way through. Jess handled the ion cannons, her mind synched with Poe's resolve.

But then a gap between the two Star Destroyers appeared as one of them drifted to the east. Poe couldn't calculate why the change in formation, but he wasn't about to let the confusion occupy his mind for too long. Scrapping his old strategy, Poe made a daring decision.

"Reroute all utility power to main thrusters," he ordered.

"Roger, Black Leader." Jess's hands danced across the console, her expertise aiding in getting his command done in seconds.

Poe launched them straight up, the extra power gluing his spine to the back of the chair. His stomach clenched, lungs ached from the sudden acceleration and gravitational pressure. But he didn't blink. Didn't allow his hands to slip from the yoke.

This attempt at escape was so forward and so crazy, he was banking on the First Order not being prepared for someone to attempt it.

And he was right.

Breathing through pursed lips, grasping onto consciousness, Poe pushed the vessel beyond its capacity, soaring right through the small gap. He cleared the duo battlecruisers.

Jess looked over at the sensory readings. "Four plasma cannons coming at us."

Well, _almost_ cleared them. "Hyperdrive ready?"

"Ready."

 _A little more. A little more_. The blue sky was swapped out for the blackness of space as Poe waited for the precise moment. "Now!" Jess pulled the hyperdrive lever and jumped the ship to lightspeed.

Poe's body slackened, his chin resting on his chest, arm dropping to his lap. Breathing heavily, he glanced over at Jess. Her pained stare remained straight ahead. Her shoulders curled over her chest. Skin drenched in sweat and dripping down her face. Some droplets could've been mistaken for tears.

Poe went for the radio, altering the communication channel. It was difficult to do with the sudden onset of hand tremors.

"What are you doing?" Jess asked, her inflection laced with confusion.

"The radio signal needs to be adjusted so we can contact the others when we drop–"

"Why bother?"

Poe stopped. His gaze flicked upward. "Excuse me?"

She met his stare without blinking, her features a mixture of frustration and anguish. "Did we not just experience the same thing? There's no one in the Resistance to contact."

"General Organa –"

"Is dead."

"She's alive," Poe snapped at her. "And before you ask me how I know, it's because the one person who could survive an attack like that is Luke Skywalker. Your idol. Remember? And he would make sure his sister made it out with him. No matter the fucking cost."

Jess looked down at the metal flooring and fell silent. After a few breaths, she gently said, "Poe. The Resistance is gone."

Unbuckling from the pilot's chair, he stood and glared down at her. "As long as I'm still breathing, I am the Resistance. And I will make sure the First Order pays for what they've done." He headed for the entryway. BB-8 stayed in the cockpit.

"Alone?!" Jess exclaimed, following him down a hallway. "That's suicide."

He wheeled around, causing Jess to almost walk right into him. "I'd rather die fighting than rot in a far off planet like a coward. And frankly, I'm surprised you don't feel the same."

"I just watched my friends die out there," Jess's voiced hiccuped. "People who were your friends, too."

"Go take a minute to cry about it. And then get back to work." Jess recoiled as Poe turned and went into a small room used as an armory. He picked up one of the blaster pistols and ran a check on it, reading the bolt levels, assessing the weight and sight.

All the while, Jess watched him with a disapproving glare. It took a moment before she found her voice. "How can you be so callous?"

Weapon still in hand, Poe slowly faced her. "Callous? I'm not the one who wants to make their deaths stand for nothing. You want to know what being callous actually looks like? If you don't want to fight with me, you can see yourself out the airlock." Jess's mouth slackened, her shock over what he just suggested morphing her features into disgust. Poe took a step closer. "I am done with the back and forth defeats and wins. More people die and more planets are decimated from this war. So you're either on my side, by my side, or in my fucking way." Jess stayed silent. Poe read that as an answer. "What's the destination you're sending us to?"

Jess clenched her jaw before saying, "My home planet."

Poe laughed with an edge. He holstered the pistol. "How convenient. You can move back in with your family while I do what needs to be done."

She reached out to him. "Poe–"

" _Commander_ Dameron," he corrected her harshly. She lowered her arm. "And while you're at it, scrub what happened between us back at the the base from your memory. Cause I don't fall for quitters."

He stomped out, feeling like he was being suffocated in that room. Not really familiar with the corvettes layout, he thought he was going in the general direction of the kitchen. The tremors were spreading across his body and getting worse. Some sugar should help with alleviating that problem.

Passing the passenger cabins, his ears caught the low timbre of voices. And high pitched wailing.

Poe slowed. Then came to a complete stop.

Terr came out at the precise moment to find Poe standing there. At first neither knew what to say.

Terr put his hand out. Poe grabbed it. "I didn't think we would make it," Terr voice cracked as he gave Poe's arm a shake. "Even I wouldn't have been able to fly through that." The two men unlatched their palms.

"Guess that makes me the better pilot," Poe commented.

Terr smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "You saved us. I mean it when I say thank you. And we'll always be in your debt."

Poe nodded, suddenly losing his voice. A voice called out to Terr. He went back inside, leaving Poe to be alone.

The shakes took over his legs. He grabbed at the wall. There was nothing to hold onto. He went to the floor. Pressure built up inside his lungs, his face turning red as he tried to hold it in. He crawled to the nearest quarters before another person came out to show him gratitude.

There, Poe cried for lost friends. Unfair disadvantages. Insurmountable odds. And for some reason, his dead mother.

Poe kept the sobs quiet. And did his mourning in private.

()()()()()

Luke and Leia hurried down the long passage, their footfalls intermingling with the rest of the frenzied soldiers. Everyone was scrambling to fulfill protocol. Luke was never officially assigned any duties upon arriving at the base, but he didn't need orders when it came to protecting his own sister.

Luke wondered how long it would be before the walls became breached and stormtroopers flooded the area. Did they truly only have minutes? He quickened his pace, pulling Leia along in an attempt to get to her shuttle.

But everyone knew the face of Leia Organa. They were stopped and bombarded with questions at every turn. Her responses would be short, but Luke would prefer her to ignore the queries all together.

Suddenly, everyone started to slow and hush, listening to what sounded like a distant vibration. A dull current, like blood in the ears. _Star Destroyer_. It was the engines. And they were now out of time.

The roar of canon fire came first, the furry of destruction next. The blast tore the corridor apart. The light from outside streamed in, bathing the damage. On the ground, Luke stood quickly, his ears ringing as his eyes scanned the scene. Off in the distance, another boom. More quaking.

The base was now a keg of cordylleum on a countdown to explode.

"Leia," he croaked and coughed. "Artoo." His voice was almost drowned out from the echoes of groans and shouts.

"Here." To his left, Leia lifted herself up, a cut above her right brow leaking blood down her face. Her hair, once elegantly tied up, was now in disarray, as well as her woven azure dress.

Artoo came up beside her, helping with her balance.

"Are you hurt?" he asked, looking her up and down.

"Ask me that when we're out of here." Leia quickly looked over the injured soldiers, her hesitance to leave them obvious in her strained stare.

"Go General!" a man shouted. "You must go!"

Leia turned, grabbed Luke's hand, and ran down the only intact hallway. Artoo followed. The life of the base surged all around them: lights flickered, walls crumbled, people ran wherever they could to survive.

Gaging from the direction they were going, Luke concluded Leia was trying to get to the hangar that housed her personal shuttle. Veering to the right, she was going to cut through the mess hall to save on time.

The three of them came to a sliding halt.

Stormtroopers filled the wide room. And immediately zoned in on their abrupt presence.

Turning back the way they came, Luke blocked incoming fire with his plasma blade, noticing that the blasters were set to stun. Rounding onto another hallway, they were met by more of the opposition. Artoo beeped for their attention, and then launched himself up the stairs. The only route available.

The twins trailed behind him to the next level.

The troopers were firing more methodically now, their aim on Leia. Blocking shot after shot was starting to slow Luke down. And against his many protests, Leia refused to leave his side. She kept frantically firing, her arm never wavering. But then Leia went down, hit with a stun shot that had gotten through his defenses.

"Leia!" he shouted, kneeling down over her to give protection.

Even though he knew she was alive, the sight of Leia's limp body rocked him. Luke felt the panic swelling up inside. He couldn't breathe. His heart pounded in his chest. His veins filled with ice water.

Luke looked from Leia to the troopers and back again.

 _Boom_.

Luke was suddenly on the floor, stunned. His focus came back more slowly this time. Grit was in his mouth, his ears. In his eyes. Smoke and filth and his eyes were streaming. He spit, trying to get his mouth clean. Rubbed his eyes gently, trying to dislodge the dust. He glanced next to him. Leia was still alive, covered in soot, but essentially unharmed. The corridor the troopers had been in, however, was completely gone.

Artoo came up beside him, letting Luke use him as an anchor so he could stand. He hacked some more, clearing his airway before bending down for Leia.

With Leia back in his arms, Artoo lit the way through the base. He wasn't sure where Artoo was leading him, and it was eerie not to pass a single soul along the way. He heard screams. He heard shouts. He heard blaster fire and felt canon vibration. But never saw anyone. Alone was his plight. And at this point, it was all about putting one foot in front of the other.

Artoo stopped and opened a rusted door to the outside, the light making Luke squint. Stepping onto dirt, the sight of ships almost lifted his spirits, but then he realized that all of them were only halfway together. If that. This place was the scrapyard for ships. Maybe with a week's time, Luke could make one of them decently function.

Walking through the decrepit vessels final resting place, he made it to the edge, getting a full view of the valley. With a probing gaze Luke watched the massacre in the sky, as well as down below. Ground troops had come on transports, engaging with those who were fleeing from the crumbling base on foot. The loss of life was a tear in the Force that made him want to fall to his knees and plea to the greater universe to stop the bloodshed, to spare the innocent.

No prayers. No begging. This was his life – to survive one battle after the next. Always moving forward. Till even the smallest of chances gave him the victory of peace.

Luke wasn't sure what prompted him to look up at the Star Destroyer. Didn't know where the radical idea came from. _It's only radical until you've proved it possible_ , Leia had told him after the Empire's demise.

But exhaustion weighed him down. If he were to do this, he needed more energy from a piece of organic matter.

Laying Leia under a ships wing, he placed his palm on her forehead and held her hand. He left her with enough strength to stay alive, but not enough to wake anytime soon. _She'd understand_ , Luke inwardly told himself. Truly, he felt guilty doing this, but good people were being slaughtered out there.

And he needed to give them a chance to escape.

Luke stood, the blood running through his veins now potent with power. Arms stretched out, palms open, robes tossing in the breeze, he sought after the energy that ran through the targeted Star Destroyer. Such power was a beacon unto the fabrics of existence and was not difficult to find.

Luke blinked furiously, trying to physically focus. His vision was weird. More than just exhaustion. A blur that turned neon when he moved his eyes slightly away. But then he realized that physicality had nothing to do with the fundamentals of the Force. Yoda had taught him that.

Closing his eyes, he let go of the tension in his shoulders and dove deeper into the epicenter of his will.

Tethering to the energy, the connection became complete. And he pushed. Mentally. Spiritually. Aggressively. The core of his being raged with his might, the strength of the Force igniting his atoms and morphing him into something cosmic, otherworldly. Suspension of sound and feeling made him lose grasp on time. But he could sense his progress. Could envision the Star Destroyer drifting further and further to the surface, until finally…

A shockwave sent Luke staggering back.

Link now severed, Luke fell to the ground, small pieces of stone cutting into his palms. Head hanging, he willed himself to look up. The Star Destroyer jutted out of the earth, the roaring fire in the engines blowing the structure apart piece by piece. This shocking sight seemed to slow the fighting, especially on the side of the First Order.

Artoo wheeled up to him, whistling.

"I'm fine," Luke reassured the droid. Eyes drifting from the crash, Luke searched among the closest First Order transports. There, in the middle, was a command shuttle.

Hoisting Leia into his weakened arms, Luke and Artoo hurried down the slope, the sight of them going unseen. All of the stormtroopers were either still fighting, or their attention was on their obliterated battlecruiser.

Once at the shuttle, Luke dispatched a group of security troopers with a Force push and walked onboard. Two officers came at him. He stunned them and telekinetically shoved the bodies off the spacecraft.

In the cockpit, he strapped Leia and himself into the pilot seats and fired up the engines. Soaring into the sky, he met little opposition. Clearing the atmosphere, he punched in the coordinates to one of the last remaining friendly planets he could think of. The navicomputer dinged a moment later with a clear route.

Luke sent the ship into hyperspace.

Removing the flight restraints from both him and Leia, he placed her down on the hard, cold floor, voicing his apologies on needing to take from her own personal well of power. Slowly, he lowered himself next to her, his heavy lids fluttering from fatigue, the pull of sleep impossible to fight.

Silently, Artoo watched the twins, his observant radar eye never leaving the slumbering duo.


	55. Finally

The tall trees rose out of the earth to brush the sky, its sun-dappled leaves creating flickering shadows on the ground. Birds whistled. Squirrels chattered. Insects hummed. The life of the forest seemingly unaware of the two humans facing each other.

A mosquito landed on Rey's arm, but she didn't swat it away. She couldn't move.

Finn was here. _Here_. Meters away.

It was only a few moments ago that she believed she had so much more time to come up with the apologies and explanations. More time before she faced the ones she wronged – face who she had become.

But lately, it was like Rey was stuck in one of those running wheels for mice: the faster she ran, the faster she didn't get anywhere. Nowhere in the galaxy could grant the distance she needed to get away from herself. Or from others, evidently.

Rey didn't move as Finn walked down the path. Didn't smile when he stopped an arms length away. But she knew that he was glad to see her, knew it because of the way his eyes never left her face.

Her voice barely worked. "What…. How…. Why are you here?"

Before she could blink, Finn swept her off her feet and wrapped her in a warm and comforting hug. "Because I'm your friend, and I needed to know you were okay."

She held on tightly to his shoulders. "How can you say that after what I've done?"

After a moment, Finn put her down, his hands grasping her upper arms as his eyes searched her face. "Rey, Ematt is alive." 

…."What?"

"His spinal column was only partially severed. Dr. Kalonia was able to get to him in time before it became worse. He's alive."

Rey was having a difficult time processing what she just heard. "He – he's alive?" 

"Yes."

Rey took a few steps back and turned away, her hand clutching at her chest. Her heart was thudding intensely, making her breathing come out sporadically. _Am I going to faint?_ She'd never done such a thing before, not when it came to getting the best news of her life.

 _I'm not a murderer_.

Finn gave her the needed space. "I guess we should all be thankful that Ren didn't teach you how to effectively kill someone. The outcome would've been vastly different," he chided, trying to sound upbeat and failing. Rey stilled. "Sorry. Inappropriate joke," Finn amended. "Guess I'm nervous."

She pivoted to face him. "Nervous? Are you afraid of me?"

"Gods, no!" Finn basically shouted. He took a few steps toward her, then stopped. "I was just expecting you to maybe run away at the sight of me, and…"

"And what?"

He shrugged. "I want to say the right things to you. I'm just not sure what that is."

Rey took in a shuddering breath. "Neither do I." She walked over to a dead log and sat, being careful not to sit on the bed of moss and mushrooms. Finn came over, dead leaves and pine needles crunching underneath his boots. He took a seat on the mushy part next to her.

"How are you?" he asked. "Really."

Rey sighed, a heavy sound that edged toward a sob. "Not well."

"It's the guilt, isn't it?"

She gave a curt nod. Her eyes scanned the trees and bushes as she said, "I'm not sure how to live with it. Ematt's alive, but what I did to him and Ben was horrible."

The wind suddenly whirled between distorted trunks, carrying the distinct smell of rotting wood and mustiness from the leaves. Finn waited for it to die down before saying, "It was difficult to watch."

Rey's posture stiffened as she jerked her head, pushing her hair back to look at him. "Watch? There's a holovid?"

Finn nodded sensitively. "Not many people have seen it, if that makes you feel any better. Just the higher ups, me, and Poe."

She squeezed her eyes shut. "What you must think of me."

Finn angled his torso in her direction. "I think you were that little girl again, the one who was left to fight on her own on a merciless planet. And when you finally found out who was responsible for that outcome, you snapped." He held her hand between his palms. His skin was slightly cold. "Rey, I don't blame you or judge you for what you did. If I was put in that situation, I honestly don't know what I would've done."

"I thought you'd hate me," she said softly.

"No, no, no. I could never hate you. Believe that. I will always be your friend. I will always fight for you. And I will always come after you. So if you run off again, just expect to run into me on a random path that leads to nowhere."

She chuckled. Nodded. Then he gave her back her hand.

For a while, Rey just focused on breathing. On enjoying the company of a familiar face. "You know, I was ready to die with you in that forest, on Starkiller" Rey began to say as she reminisced. "I ran back to you after ending the fight with Ben, and I just put my head on your chest and cried. But then Chewie showed up, and the joy I felt was so pure…" She paused, collecting her thoughts. "I always thought I would die alone, that I would get in some sort of scavenging accident on Jakku and my body wouldn't be found for weeks." Rey met his tender stare. "But dying with you, someone who's my friend, had been the first real privilege I ever had in my life."

Finn nudged her with his shoulder. "Well… I'm very happy we both lived."

As a cool breeze rolled through, Rey tucked some hair behind her ear. "Me too."

"Soooo…" Finn breathed out. "I should probably let you know that Ren is waiting on the Falcon."

"He's here?"

"Yeah. We've been searching for you."

"You two… have been working… together?"

Finn laughed. That was the last reaction Rey expected. "Not gonna lie, I was questioning whether it was a good idea for him and me to be on a ship together. But I think we tolerate each other a lot better now. And I'm starting to get used to his dark sense of humor and how many times he's brought up that he can kill me. So far the count's at four." Finn stopped babbling when he noticed the color drain from Rey's face. "Are you okay?"

 _No_. Rey felt like she was going to be sick. Her gaze went to the dirt surrounding her boots. "I… the things I said to him…"

"I know." Finn leaned forward, trying to get in Rey's line of sight. "But you should know that Ren isn't mad at you either. All his focus has been on finding you. He really does care about you. But if you don't want to see him, you don't have to."

This panicked feeling she was experiencing would be best remedied with a few good laps up and down Ach-To's stairs. But seeing how her options were limited, she picked a stick off the ground, bending it up and down to give at least her fingers something to do. "Could you imagine him coming all this way and not being able to see me?"

"I don't care what he wants. What do you want to do?"

She scraped some of the bark off with her nail. "I'll talk to him." She glanced at Finn. "But can you sit with me a little while longer?"

They both swapped the stories of their travels, with Finn going first. Hearing that Ben saved his life, plus the two Wookies and the bounty hunter, made Rey swell with hope. Sounded like Ben was getting better at being a compassionate person. Though, Finn did describe the whole skirmish on the Eravana rather vaguely, which she thought odd. How did Ren save their lives? Finn didn't say.

Rey found it easy to tell the story of her travels, starting at the end with meeting her grandmother and then working backwards. Finn was as attentive as ever, seeming to follow the out of sequence story with ease. His patience, the way he nodded and asked questions, made it feel like she mattered. Her story mattered.

It was in these moments Rey knew that if she ever lost Finn, she would never recover.

()()()()()

Ren had waited hours on the Falcon for Finn to come back. At one point, he was halfway down the boarding ramp, ready to go find out what was going on. But the planning, rational side of his brain made him turn around and pace out his anxiety. Ren wanted to go after Rey with every fiber of his being, but those fibers were what caused all this. So he needed to give Finn his chance.

And the trooper delivered.

Finn gave a summary of their time together and explained where Rey was waiting. But when Ren came to that bend in the path with the rotting log, she wasn't there. She was close, though. That much he could sense. He felt for her through the Force and followed her flare of power.

As the light began to fade, it left behind shadows and dark patches to surround him. Small, beady eyes of animal life followed him on his journey off the path and through the brush. Ren ignored the briars that caught at his trousers and the twigs that poked him. His focus was solely on Rey.

He stepped out onto a rocky shoreline, the pebbles glittering in different shades of grey and white. Waves lapped the shore lazily, knobby bits of driftwood and lake scum floating along the water's edge. Inhaling, his nose tickled with the smell of wet earth and algae.

His scope became broader, looking at the wide body of water. The sun-painted lake truly was mesmerizing, the colors becoming richer now that the sun was setting.

Rey was sitting close to the shoreline. As he approached, he knew she could sense him. She didn't turn to greet him.

Ren sat on the stony surface next to her. He resisted the urge to hug her. Staring at Rey, she seemed different. Older. Seasoned. The loss of innocence seemed like a crime. But that was growing up for you: your innocence was on a countdown of being obliterated by the circumstances forced upon you.

"Finn told me you found your grandmother," Ren said, his voice sounding like a scream against the silent backdrop.

Rey squinted as she kept her sight on the lake. "I did."

"The last few days have been very revealing for you."

"Almost too revealing," was all Rey said.

Her not elaborating or adding to the conversation made Ren think she didn't want him there. "So… is this it then?" he asked dejectedly. "Are you done with me?"

Rey inhaled deeply. "I don't think we could quit each other if we tried." She locked eyes with him, and earnestly said, "And I don't want to."

The breath left his lungs quietly. He'd been preparing to beg her to give him another chance, been running through what he would say while waiting on the Falcon. Hearing that she didn't want to walk away from what they had almost made him crumble to the hard ground in relief.

Now he just needed to tell her that in no way did he despise her for what she did. "Rey–"

"Don't." She closed her eyes for a moment. "Don't say that everything is fine between us, or that what I did was okay. Because it's not. I know you don't want me to apologize to you, but I need to. I need this." Truly, he could see that this was important to her. So he didn't stop her. "While you did lie to me, I understand the 'why' behind it. What I did… what I said to you, even bringing up your mother… I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have made you relive those memories. And it disgusts me that I took pleasure in hurting you."

Ren knew the regret she was in, for he'd been there himself. And while being around caring people helped, he ultimately had to climb out of that hole on his own. Hell, there were times he still felt like he was in it. Probably was. But whether in the chasm or not, he could definitely relate to her. He knew exactly what it felt like to trip and fall and agonize over the sudden impact. The only difference being her pit wasn't as deep as his. So her journey back should be less painful.

Hopefully.

"I hate myself so much for trying to kill that man," Rey continued. "And worse? Part of me wishes I succeeded. Twisted, isn't it?" 

His first instinct was to tell her to stop, store the memory away, and never return to that moment. But she wasn't a coward with her emotions. Never had been. "No, it's not."

Her gaze returned to the water. "I was so sure that what I was doing was right; that I was justified in taking his life because of what he took from me. But I've never felt so unlike myself. That darkness changed the way I thought and felt, and it was so easy to give in. And throughout all this, I can't even fathom how you truly must feel over killing your father. In that fraction of a moment, you committed to what you thought you wanted... believed all your problems would just go away. I thought those same things when facing Ematt. Nearly broke me when I realized nothing had changed. And now I feel saved that he's actually alive. But you won't ever get a second chance like that. Your father is gone." Rey's voice lessened, her eyes that were staring so intently at the lake now turning to him. "The horror you must have experienced when you found out that all you ever wanted was a lie." Ren was speechless at how fast she turned the conversation to him, his heart leaping into his throat. Rey's stare softened as she lifted her hand and smoothly traced his scar. "I'm not ready to forgive myself for what I've done, but I'm ready to forgive you for everything. Especially what you did to Han."

He looked away. Rey rested her hand back on her knee. He didn't deserve to be forgiven. Not from anyone. Not from himself. But hearing Rey say those words made him feel like the person he used to be. So selfishly, he took her offer of clemency and clutched onto it.

"But I'm not going to preach to you how you should forgive yourself," she added.

Ren nodded slowly. "You truly understand then?"

"I do."

Silence stretched after that. Ren eyed Rey picking fastidiously at a spot of something on her capris. While his body was content with being still, Rey was fidgeting, a sign that she was either uncomfortable or nervous. He felt it was a mixture of both. Maybe she was wondering over the uncertainty of their relationship, as was he.

But then she calmed, her gaze going upward to the first twinkling stars to shine through the dimming light.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

"You've heard it before."

"Then tell me again."

She shrugged. "I'm just thinking about the times I had while growing up when I would look at the stars and feel someone out there." Indeed, they had discussed this before. But he didn't care that she was repeating herself. He just wanted to hear her voice. "It didn't have anything to do with my family, but I could've sworn I was actually connected to someone. And I would wonder if it was real, and if it was, if that person felt it too."

"I did," he reassured her. "All the time. I felt like I should search the galaxy for you."

"But you never did."

His thinking staggered for a moment. She'd never pointed that out so bluntly before. "No. I didn't," he admitted, defeated.

Rey hugged her legs to her chest, resting her cheek on her knees, hair falling forward as she gazed at him. "I wish you would have."

His hand came up to push those soft curls onto her back. She didn't stop him. "Me too. I could have found you before I… changed."

Rey lifted a brow. "How would that have gone? I'm ten years younger than you, remember?"

"It would have gone smoother than you think."

No detail was too small to share as he told Rey of the visions he had while visiting Ahch-To. The picture he described was clear, precise. Especially when he spoke of the possible future they could have had together. If only he had waited for his uncle in that café, all could have been different.

Happier.

Rey was silent for a long stretch of time, watching the last of the setting sun's light cascade its warm hues across the tranquil lake. She inhaled, her voice barely above a whisper. "And this future, it could have happened? You're sure?"

Eyes set upon her, because nothing else could ever hold his interest more, he said, "Yes."

Rey didn't immediately speak. She took air in little gasps. Like a toddler on the edge of tears. "You could have saved me from Jakku? You could have found me before I was internally scarred? I could've had children?"

Even though he could sense the anguish building up inside her, Ren replied with a another yes. And then watched Rey break into emotional pieces.

Ren gathered her up, positioning her so she could face him, her legs straddling his sides. Rey buried her face into his neck, her arms wrapping tightly around his shoulders. Instinctively, he rubbed her back and whispered comforting words, all the while hoping he was doing the whole soothing thing correctly.

He decided to wait to tell her about Kayani's recent visit. Such news wouldn't help her right now.

As his ears rang and his heart broke for her, he held her steady against the gale of her cries. There was a reason why here and hear were separated by so little and sounded exactly the same. He heard her sobs, and stayed with her while she was vulnerable. That was all he could do as she fell apart – for as her tears fell for what seemed like forever, he would've held her even longer than that.

Sometime during it all, Ren lounged back onto the packed stones. Rey wiggled down, resting her head on his sternum. The soft interlude of the breeze soon replaced her sobs. And from Rey's deep, rhythmic breathing, Ren concluded she had fallen asleep.

Carefully, he walked them back to his freighter through the dark, his arms firmly under her thighs so she stayed in the same relaxed position. The whole experience made him think back to when his father would carry him to bed after he'd fallen asleep on the sofa, waiting to see one of his parents. Sometimes Ben had even faked it just so he could get his dad to tuck him in at night.

Coming to her room, he slipped their boots off and lied with her in bed, his arm still around her.

Rey rustled awake, her exhausted eyes shifting up to his. "Can you tell me a story? One you were told as a child as you fell asleep? I read somewhere that parents would do that."

Ren contemplated giving her the simple answer: that his parents never told him any bedtime stories. And while that was mostly true, his mother did, on occasion, tell him one. And he still remembered it.

Ren ran it through his mind quickly, polishing up his memory so he could do the story justice. He cleared his throat. ""There's a legend of a comet that circulates the galaxy, its path traveling through thousands of star systems. Its voyage always repeating. There was one star in particular that shined brighter and emitted more intricate colors than any of the other stars. This gave the planets in that system an attractiveness that none other could match.

The comet always looked forward to coming across this particular part of the journey.

Once the destination finally came, the comet immediately noticed the dullness of the star's light and the cloudiness of its mood.

"Why has your shine dampened?" the comet asked.

"I am in mourning," the star replied.

"What are you mourning?"

"The loss of one of my worlds."

The comet followed the star's gaze, noticing the emptiness of what used to be a stunning world, one that had been filled with the endless waves of iridescent water. "Ah, it is no surprise you weep for your fallen planet. Although I have only ever been a passerby, you alone could truly contemplate the world's beauty close at hand."

"But… was the world beautiful?" the star asked.

"Who better than you to know that?" the comet asked in wonder. "After all, it was your light it basked in each day."

The star was silent for some time. Finally, it said, "I mourn for the lost world, but I never noticed it was beautiful. I grieve because each time my light touched the sea, I would see my own beauty revealed to me. For that is what the world gave me– my reflection.""

As Ren went quiet, he was that little boy again, tucked tightly in bed. His mother stroking his cheek while whispering those soft words. He could still hear her telling him her own analysis of the story: " _While some would interpret the star as selfish, I never viewed it that way. Sometimes, true beauty is hidden in the ability to help others accept their own."_

Rey sighed, nestling closer. "What a lovely story."

Rey drifted off quickly after that. She was so exhausted and slept so deeply, it seemed to rival death. Rey didn't move for a long time. Not even a twitch.

For Ren, sleep was more pervasive. But that was fine. If he had to be awake, this is where he would want to be.

()()()()()

Sitting in the pilot's chair, Ren pointed to another section of the control board. "What is this responsible for?"

Finn bent forward, his teeth chewing at his bottom lip. "It discharges any built-up static near the plasma combo injectors."

"What if you're flying a non-freighter?"

"I would have to do it manually after flight."

"What happens if you don't have it done?"

Finn opened his mouth, but was interrupted from a presence in the corridor. "The electromagnetic gyroscopes would be at an inoperable angle." Both men turned, seeing Rey leaning against the cockpit entrance. "This is an unexpected sight." She walked further inside, confused. "What's going on?"

Finn spoke up first. "Ren was getting fed up with my lack of flying skills and having to do most the work around here."

With the whites of her eyes showing, Rey looked at Ren like this was the first time she'd ever seen him. "You're teaching him how to fly? You?"

The two men glanced at each other. Ren shrugged. "Someone should do it. He needs to learn."

"Yeah, but…. " Rey hesitated. "Maybe from someone that has more of a teaching personality. Like Poe."

There were no light undertones to the comment, and Rey's face remained unreadable. Ren couldn't tell if she was actually trying to offend him or poke fun at him. "I can teach just fine."

"He actually hasn't been too bad," Finn interjected, although his voice didn't convey much confidence.

Ren eyed him dubiously before saying, "See. I haven't been too bad."

Rey didn't look to be convinced, but she didn't fight him on it. Resting her weight on the back of Finn's chair, she looked over the console to see what levers were pulled, what buttons were pressed. Ren went to resetting everything, thinking that he could give her a demonstration on how he'd been teaching Finn.

"So…" Rey said. "I was wanting to go see Soniee today."

"You think she'll talk to you?" Finn asked

"One way or another, she will. I was wondering if you could come with me?"

Ren adjusted the thrusters back to their usual setting while waiting for Finn to respond to Rey's request. But the guy didn't say anything. Looking over, he saw that Finn was watching him expectantly. Ren glanced behind, meeting Rey's uncertain stare. Then he realized the question had been aimed at him, not Finn.

"You want me to go with you?" Rey shifted her weight and nodded. "I don't make great first impressions."

"I mean if you want to come, you can. I'm sure it would be fine. Just be yourself and be nice."

"Which one?" Finn quipped. "He can't do both."

Ren snapped his head so fast it was a wonder it was still on his neck. "Have I killed you? No? Then I'm being nice."

Finn and Rey shared a look. "That makes five," Finn told her.

Ren stood, getting ready to leave. "What makes five?" he asked, annoyed.

Finn had the audacity to smile at him. It almost seemed mocking. "Just keeping a tally on how many times you threaten to kill me."

Ren rolled his jaw. "If you want to count the times I've thought about it, the number would be closer to thirty."

Ren could feel Rey's unease at what was transpiring, but that grin never left Finn's face. In no way did Ren mean that statement to be humorous.

"Keep your comlink on so I can find you guys if I need to," Finn said. "And while you're gone, I'm going to give General Organa an update on finding Rey. Anything you want to particularly add?"

Ren rotated his shoulders, letting the tension go. For now. "No. Just give her a report," he replied before turning to leave. He followed Rey off the Falcon, walking by her side while making sure not to get too close. Something felt off, like there was a disconnection between the two of them. It made him feel awkward. Uncomfortable.

Rey cleared her throat. "Thanks for bringing my stuff from the base. And for putting it all in my room. It was a nice surprise to wake up to."

"I thought you would like to have your things. I hope I didn't interrupt your sleep."

"Didn't hear a thing." Rey held a long branch back so Ren could get through. "Did you by chance read those datapads by the bed?"

"I couldn't sleep, so I skimmed through them. I didn't know you were so interested in botany."

It took Rey a second longer than usual to answer. "I met a botanist on Spira, actually. He's the one who gave them to me."

"And the pyro flower, I presume?"

"Yeah, that too. Did you water it this morning?"

He nodded. "Did you know that the pyro were in many of the gardens in Baron Hed on Sulon prior to the Imperial occupation of the moon? Then a bacteria threatened–" Ren stopped walking, noticing Rey's hard jaw and tight face. "What?"

Her brows popped, surprised he noticed the subtle change in her features. "What?" she countered, facing him.

Ren let himself lean back against a tree, his casual leather jacket a barrier against the sharp bark. "You're mad. Why? And don't lie to me and say you aren't. I can sense it."

Crossing her arms, she pushed back her shoulders. "I didn't want you reading those."

Ren frowned. "I apologize for going through your things. If I violated your privacy, that wasn't my intention." This would be so much easier if he really knew where he stood with her. But the topic of their exact relationship hadn't been brought up yet. Yesterday had been them just scratching the surface.

Ren rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged as he continued. "I just thought if you were interested so much in botany, then I wanted to know the fundamentals so I could talk with you about it."

Rey blinked, then dipped her chin and looked down at her boot shuffling away some pebbles. "Oh," was all she said, becoming deflated.

"Is there more to it than me just reading your books?"

Stopping with the reorganization of the dirt, Rey took a deep breath before lifting her head. "It's just…. Everything you do you're good at. More than good – you become an expert. I thought…"

"You wanted this to be your area of expertise," Ren finished.

She rolled her eyes and avoided his stare. "It's sounds ridiculous, I know."

"It doesn't. I can see where you're coming from. But just to clarify, you are a faster leaner than me." Rey glanced his way. "And maybe my intentions weren't completely unselfish." He swallowed. "Sometimes I look at life more like a competition."

For a few seconds, Rey just stared at him. Then smiled. "I get that way, too. So, I get it." A chuckle escaped through his nose. "And…" she added. Her smile thinned, drifting away. "There's also the problem of how you treat Finn. I don't like it."

For an extended second his eyes remained unblinking. A deep vertical line pulled between his brows, as if the statement smacked him upside the head and he hadn't quite recovered. "I treat everyone that way."

"Then I don't like how you treat everyone like they're the dirt beneath your feet."

With how light his footfalls were, he could argue that he was way more kind to the ground than to actual people.

But he didn't. "Has this always bugged you?"

"Honestly? Yeah it has. I just haven't said anything till now because I thought you'd gradually start to be more considerate. But you're only that way around me. And you know what really gets me? I know you know how to be nice and friendly."

He did. It just drove him mad to act that way. But he could tell that his behavior was a substantial breaking point for Rey. "If it means that much to you, I'll be more courteous."

She nodded. When she didn't say anything more, he became worried. His eyes gazed down the pathway they were walking on, his thoughts jumping to conclusions that made him fearful. How did he tell her that all he wanted to do with the rest of his life was be with her? Without it sounding too aggressive and needy?

 _To hell with pride,_ he told himself. If he had to get down on his hands and knees and plead for her to stay with him, he would. He was totally ready to do it yesterday.

Time had certainly changed him over its short span. It wasn't too long ago that all he desired was power and absolution. Now, he would be content if he and Rey could find some corner of the galaxy and live out the rest of their days together. Power wasn't really an option anymore, anyway.

"Ben?" His attention came back to her. Straightaway, he noticed her fidgeting fingers. Her darting eyes. "I can't help feeling like there's this… awkwardness between us. And I don't want there to be."

For a few heartbeats, he held his breath before being able to say, "I feel it, too." For him, it felt more like uncertainty. Were they to be friends? Allies? Lovers? Equals?

What?

"Did I really ruin this between us?"

"No!" He moved closer to her, his hands becoming animated as his voice filled with passion. "You didn't ruin anything. People – No, relationships go through ups and downs all the time. This will pass," he said, like he knew what he was talking about.

Rey shook her head. "How do you know?"

"Because we both want it to." The answer didn't seem to assuage her doubts. He decided to try an example instead. "And…. my parents made their dysfunctional relationship work for the most part. And this is nothing like theirs."

"What is _this?_ " she asked, motioning between them.

He cupped her cheeks. "This is something that is very important to me. You are important to me. If there is anything that would last for an eternity, it's that. No matter what happens, I would sacrifice everything just to have you with me. Not in a tyrannical way, but as a partner. A confidant. An equal."

()()()()()

"I would do anything for you, Rey. Anything." As she looked into his imploring stare, she realized that _I love you_ could indeed be said without actually uttering the phrase. "I love you."

But he still said it.

Going to her tiptoes, she pulled him down to her lips and kissed him. And the world fell away. Ben was slow and soft, comforting in ways words would never be. His hand rested below her ear, his thumb caressing her cheeks as their breaths mingled. She ran her fingers below his jacket and on his shirt, feeling down his spine. No space was left between them now. His tongue pressed against the seam of her lips and, at her grant of access, delved inside her mouth.

Rey pulled back before things became too passionate. They were out in the middle of a forest, after all.

"I love you, too," she said between taking gulps of air. "I never stopped."

Bens eyes glazed over in an almost narcotic stupor of yearning and delight. "Can we finish this later? Maybe tonight? In your room?"

She touched his cheek, and smiled mischievously. "I think I can arrange that."

They walked the rest of the way to Soniee's hand in hand.

The home was still the same as it had been yesterday, its mixture of durasteel and duracrete walls and roofing giving it a practical feel. It was simple. Not artsy in the slightest. Rey loved it.

"I told you not to come back here!" Soniee shouted over an unseen intercom. They halted their advance.

"Please," Rey implored at the house. "I beg you just to speak with me."

"Trying to convince me you're my daughter?"

Rey shook her head. Ben gave her hand a squeeze. "No. Your daughter is my mother. My name is Reyna. Jacen and Maridia were my parents.

The intercom was silent for a stretch of time. Rey altered her weight from one leg to the other, becoming antsy. "You her partner in all this?"

Rey looked up at Ben as he said, "I am her partner, but this isn't a scam to get your money. We already have more than we know what to do with." Rey's eyes widened. Ben gave her a faint smile. "What's mine is yours," he whispered to her. "Remember?"

Soniee's voice broke through the moment. "I'm not letting you in here."

Rey put her attention back on the house. Her frustration finally hit a breaking point. "Then I'll force my way in," she said, determined.

Ben grabbed her arm gently. "Rey. You should use caution when talking with her."

"You should listen to him," Soniee said. "I have three mechanized laser canons pointed at you right now with my finger on the trigger."

Ben and Rey froze. Searching with their eyes, neither could find any semblance of weaponry. But Ben didn't want to take any chances. "We can come back tomorrow and–"

"No," Rey cut him off and wriggled from his grasp. "I came all this way and have waited so long for this." Rey glanced at the house. "And she isn't completely serious about blowing us apart. I can sense her apprehension."

"She is apprehensive," Ren agreed, "but she's also confused and angry. Those emotions do not render well to rationality."

Frustrated, Rey threw her hands up. "What would you do if you were me? If all the answers you ever wanted was behind that door?"

He looked at her, pained. If anyone could understand her need for the truth, it was Ben. "I wouldn't back down," he admitted. "I just… don't want your only potential family member to hate you."

"Something tells me she'll like me more for standing up to her."

Rey didn't wait for Ben's response. She walked closer to the house, her stance strong and firm. "You don't want to let us in, fine. And you have the right to blow us off your property if you so wish." Rey paused. "But I have something you will want to see. You want answers as to what happened to your daughter?" Rey pulled a datapad from her satchel and held it up. "I have them right here."

Ren did a double take, his mouth falling open. Rey ignored him.

The entryway opened. Rey hurried across the dirt yard as she brought the recording up on the screen. Ren stayed back a few feet, observing the situation.

The frail woman sat in a hover chair with her usual blaster in hand. Rey disregarded the blatant threat and shoved the small datapad in Soniee's face. The woman's stare reflexively went to the stilled video. "This is your daughter, right?" Rey asked.

Soniee gaped, and then ripped the datapad from Rey's grip. "What is this? Why is she locked in a cell?" Rey tried to get the hand-held back, but Soniee was quick in her hover chair as she backed further into the house and turned down a hallway.

Ben and Rey pursued her as Rey yelled after the older woman. "You shouldn't watch that without me explaining –" Rey stopped before rounding the corner. The recording had started, and she could hear the beginnings of the interrogation.

Air growing thin, her breaths came in short bursts. She shook her head ferociously. "I can't listen to that. Not again." She ran from the house, taking in long drags of the pine-scented air. Wiping at her face with shaky hands, she paced among the trees and willed herself to start calming down.

It was a few minutes before Ben came out to join her. He stood between her and the house, patiently watching with worried eyes.

Rey's strides slowed. "I didn't know she would yank the datapad away from me," she explained defensively. "I was planning on telling her what was in it and then if she wanted to watch it, she could."

"I didn't know you had the recording."

"I don't. The datapad is Finn's. I figured one of you might have the vid. So I borrowed it before finding you guys this morning."

Ren's eyebrows popped. "You stole his datapad?"

"Borrowed," she corrected. Rey cradled her head, the realization of what she did weighing into her. "Oh, god. What if I broke that poor woman? The rest of her family is dead, and then for her to see how her daughter died–"

"Young man!" Ben turned around. Rey peered through the trees that were partially hiding her presence. Soniee was out of her house, the hover chair heading straight for him. "Is the girl still here?"

Rey stepped into the clearing, catching Soniee's attention. The woman's glistening eyes looked her up and down, her saddened features transforming into awe. Soniee slowly closed the gap between them and held out a timeworn hand. Not knowing what to do, Rey went for a handshake, but Soniee grabbed on and gently beckoned Rey to her knees. Now eye level, the woman palmed Rey's round cheeks. "You're Reyna?"

"I am."

Soniee bobbed her head up and down as a new set of tears fell down her wrinkled cheeks. "You look so much like your mother." Soniee pulled her in, wrapping frail arms around Rey's torso. Overwhelmed, it took Rey's mind a moment to catch up to what was currently happening. But once it did, Rey relaxed into the older woman, careful not to crush her.

And all she could think was _finally_.


	56. True Origins

In his own personal shuttle, General Armitage Hux was flown down to what was left of the Resistances stronghold. The First Order had won a significant battle, but Hux was fuming. A Super Star Destroyer was now gone, and the cause in which it suddenly plummeted to the ground could not be found. One of his engineers even had the gall to tell him it was like a monumental cosmic push made it malfunction.

That man was demoted to sewage detail.

And already on the building list of failures was the humiliating debacle of finding the Eravana a floating pile of scrap metal. Obviously by Ren's hands. And the let down of not apprehending that snake had put Hux in more of a sour mood. Ren had a way of slipping through obstacles while leaving numerous bodies and torrential destruction in his wake. Hux hadn't minded it as much when the man was on their side.

But with the change in allegiances, it was now a problem.

Hux stepped off the transport, smoke and ash still swirling in the air. The base was half obliterated, random pockets of architecture still actively crumbling. Some parts were still useful, though. Among them: a hangar that was being used to store any remaining Resistance members.

Hux was initially disappointed with the numbers of only two dozen prisoners. But that number was probably low due to the high death toll. And really, having less of these toxic, idealistic people in the galaxy was always a benefit.

Troopers were going from prisoner to prisoner, scanning their palms on Galactic Identification tablets. So far, all of them were just generic soldiers or medical personnel – a bunch of nobody's that were useless in the eyes of the First Order.

Hux addressed the battered group. "I will take your willingness to answer my questions into consideration on deciding your fate." A few ears perked up. Some eyes pinched in defiance. But he could tell that someone in the crowd was going to talk. "Was the evacuation signal given before we arrived?" Hux had been expecting to fight with the Resistance armada. It had come as a surprise when he found the fleet to be gone.

A heartbeat of silence. Then, near the front of the group, a young woman with a nurse's patch on her lapel answered: "Yes."

Someone in the crowd tried shutting the her up. "Chraja, don't–"

"About ten minutes before," the nurse added skittishly. Pity Statura couldn't keep his word. Now Hux had to make the decision of what to do with the man's wife and daughter.

Towards the back, a stormtrooper hoisted an older woman to her feet and brought her before him. Hux looked over the tablet, instantly intrigued by the information.

"Harter Kalonia," he read out loud. "A doctor in various fields of practice. Says here you used to have your own private clinic on Hosnian Prime." He handed the piece of tech back to the trooper and eyed the woman. That bold stare showcased the doctor's resiliency. "Were you the personal doctor of Leia Organa?"

Kalonia didn't answer.

"She was," the nurse said suddenly. "They're good friends."

"Chraja," Kalonia bit out. "Keep quiet."

"I'm not dying over useless information."

"Not useless information, I assure you." Hux turned his calculating stare back to the doctor. "You must've known Ben Solo." Knowing she wouldn't respond, Hux studied her face and body language.

Nothing.

The doctor was a blank slate. A professional. But so was he. "You see, I do an extensive background check on the people I work with. Especially if the person is the son of the Resistance leader. You know what I discovered about his youth? His education suddenly veered more toward him studying medicine around the age of eleven. All of his school courses were beginning to revolve around it before he was shipped off to Skywalker. And who just so happens to be a doctor that is close friends with his mother?"

And there it was. An eye twitch. So subtle, yet so telling. "It means nothing," she commented evenly.

Hux grinned. "Oh, I think it means something to him. Put her on board," he ordered the trooper. "Kill the rest."

The doctor screamed for him to show the others mercy as she fought against her escorts. But Hux would show none. The rebels cried out as they were put down by blaster fire.

All the while, Hux walked back to his shuttle, not looking back. Those banal people didn't deserve his time, even as they died.

Soaring through the atmosphere to the Finalizer, Hux was commed by Lieutenant Mitaka. "Sir, there is news from the mainframe retrieval team. They were able to recover some deleted video of Kylo Ren's training sessions. Most of the material is choppy, but there are some good shots of his face we can use. Shall we leak it to the Holonet?"

Hux quickly shut his mouth before speaking. Pausing in consideration. Concocting a strategy around the idea that suddenly popped in his head. "Actually, no," he spoke into the device.

"No?"

"I want to wait to release the footage. But do give the ones who found it a promotion. Exceptional work always deserves a reward."

"Yes, General. I'll let the team know."

Armitage rested his fiery colored head against the durasteel, thinking over his decision. He wanted Ren to get comfortable, to show his unknown face to as many humans and humanoids as possible. And only when that incompetent piece of flogwaste believed he outran the consequences of betraying the First Order, would Hux finally release the dug up recordings. What a riot it would cause, too. A huge bulk of Kylo Ren's recorded training sessions were of him executing Resistance scum after torturing them for information.

If that doesn't enrage those rebels to try and kill him, he has one more bit of information he could throw in there:

The fact the man murdered his own father.

But all that would have to wait a little bit longer. Right now, Hux needed to focus on taking the galaxy's capital.

()()()()()

"My child," Soniee whispered in Rey's ear. "Where have you been?"

Rey loosened out of the embrace, still on her knees as she told her tale of Jakku. She weaved her life of scavenging to sound more optimistic than it was. But from Soniee's saddened eyes, Rey knew the woman could recognize the hardship that was hidden in her voice.

There were a lot of apologies from the older woman. A lot of blaming herself for not looking for them harder. Rey would have none of it. But no amount of consoling could stifle Soniee's guilt.

"I have a good life now," Rey reassured her grandmother. "I have friends. People who love me." She stood and motioned for Ben to join them.

Hands out of his pockets and slightly hunched over to appear less intimidating, Rey introduced the two. "Ben, this is Soniee. Soniee, this is Ben."

He put his hand out and shook Soniee's gently, giving her a charming smile. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Soniee smiled slowly as her eyes ran up and down his tall frame. Ben gave no indication of being uncomfortable by the obvious once over. He just stood there, looking like the nicest young man any girl would be glad to bring home to her family, even with the scar across his face.

Rey was momentarily dumbfounded by the sudden transformation.

"How long have you two been together?" Soniee asked.

"Uhhhh…" Rey looked to Ben, who looked right back at her. "Well, we met a few months ago. And since then our lives have been very… intertwined, I would say."

"Love at first sight, then?"

Rey's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. She didn't know how to answer. Fortunately, Ben answered with a deep, pleasant laugh. "More so for me than for her. I didn't make the best first impression."

Rey blinked at this young, enthusiastic man standing beside her, wondering if this was who Ben Solo used to be.

She cleared her windpipe. "He was very… forward."

Soniee nodded knowingly before patting Ben's arm and whispering, "You never want to be too forward with a woman, dear. It's a major turnoff to look so needy."

Ben chuckled, nodding his head. "I'll remember that."

"Have you two eaten yet?" Soniee whirled around, not giving them time to answer as they kept up with her. "I have some gi dumpling soup simmering on the stove. Or I can put together some sandwiches?"

On the way back to the house, Ben made conversation with Soniee about the soup, earning her praise when he named the dishes origin of being from Mandalore. They were still talking about the ingredients all the way through the hallways and into the kitchen.

But something wasn't right. Rey's body started to warm and her heart rate increased, like a bad case of anxiety. As Soniee rose out of the hover chair and walked to the chill box, Rey took Bens arm and drew him close. In a low voice, she asked, "Do you sense something wrong?"

He arched a brow. "Do you mean with Soniee?"

"No. Not with her." She exhaled, frustrated. "I don't know how to describe it."

"Maybe it's your nerves over being here."

It wasn't that. Rey was sure of it. But if Ben wasn't experiencing what she was feeling, than maybe she should let it go. His abilities in the Force were way more practiced and fine-tuned compared to hers.

Soniee placed the deep bowls on the counter, motioning for Rey and Ben to sit on the metal stools. Keeping her greedy appetite at bay, Rey civilly ate the meal. Didn't even slurp once.

Rey was finding the decision to bring Ben along to be a good one. Growing up so isolated and alone, she still had problems with socializing and finding the right thing to say. And with Ben occupying her grandmother with talks of Mandalore, Rey had a chance for her eyes to roam and observe the surroundings.

There was not one holopic on the shelves. No warm decorations.

The inside of the home was a stark contrast to the outside: sleek metallic walls, sharp edges, and a corner of the living area designated to every piece of modern gadgetry the galaxy had to offer. An obvious one being a security system showing the surrounding area of the house.

After gracefully declining a third helping, they all made their way to the adjacent living area.

"You live alone?" Ben asked as he surveyed the technology.

Soniee moved to the small sofa, exhaling as she lowered herself. "I'm old, and yes, alone, but I'm not stupid. I prefer to be ready for anything." Anything must include an invasion. "Sit, please."

Rey sat stiffly on the larger sofa across from her grandmother. Ben was next to her, arm spread across her back. Openly touching her in front of someone. Should she lean into him? Or stay how she was? How did couples act in public?

She wasn't sure.

Soniee pegged them with a serious stare. "I need to know about that vid. About what happened to my daughter and Jacen."

It was like Ben knew Rey couldn't talk about it, because he jumped right into all the facts they had straightaway. Rey listened, her jaw and shoulders tight, her eyes on her knees. She didn't want to watch Soniee's reaction. But her ears still picked up on the woman's sniffling and soft gasps.

Soniee became enraged at the idea of Maridia being a secret descendant of Palpatine. Even going as far as cursing the New Republic for having murderers as senators. Ben didn't refute her claim.

The room fell quiet for a long stretch of time as Soniee composed herself.

Ben was the one to speak up. "Where exactly is Maridia from?"

Soniee wiped at her eyes with a shaky hand. "She's from here."

"But she isn't your biological daughter?"

"No." Soniee glanced at the bare wall, as if there used to be a picture of a memory there. "While Maridia was born here, I'm originally from Mandalore. In my youth, I entered the Royal Academy of Government and studied politics alongside my friends. The four of us were a tight-nit group... very patriotic to our home world. Even uncovered the Prime Minister's conspiracy to involve Mandalore in the black market trade network. We went on a lot of adventures together. Some good." Her voice went soft. "Some disastrous."

Soniee pulled a tissue from her pocket, coughed, folded it back up. "When the Empire formed, Amis and I joined the Rebellion. His place was on the front lines, while I remained in the background. With my knowledge of technology and code, my job was to decrypt important Imperial messages. I met Jax during that time. He funded large parts of our operations in secret, and came to see exactly what we did." Soniee lightly chuckled, shaking her head. "Never thought I would marry someone who wasn't Mandalorian, but I'm glad I did. He was a great man, and a good father."

Another moment of silence. Another look at the walls.

"Anyway, Amis died shortly after my wedding. And I still had no idea where Korkie or Lagos were. I thought they would've joined the cause with Amis and I, but they just disappeared right after the Empire rose to power. I tried finding them to tell them about Amis, but I came up with nothing. So, I kept going on with my life. Months later I found out I was pregnant and was stationed on Dandoran with my husband."

"When you say Korkie, do you mean Korkie Kryze?" Ben asked.

"I do."

Rey looked between the two, puzzled. "Who's Korkie Kryze?"

"He's the nephew of Duchess Satine, leader of the New Mandalorians," Ben explained patiently. "They both belonged to House Kryze, a very prominent political family during the Clone Wars."

Narrowing her eyes, Soniee said, "You sure do know a lot for being so young."

"I like studying history. And I'm not that young, I assure you."

"Everyone's young to me." Soniee was studying Ben differently than before. Like she could sense there was something more to him than what he let her see.

"Did you ever find out what happened to Lagos and Korkie?" Rey questioned.

"A few years later, they finally contacted me. Wanted to visit. Seeing them again… I admit, I was quite angry with them. But Korkie promised me all the hiding was for a very good reason. That it was very important they were not to be found. It was also a shock to learn that the two of them were together. And that Lagos was expecting.

"So I let them stay with us for a while to figure out their next move. But weeks turned into months, and Lagos was getting closer to her due date. Then three weeks before the baby was supposed to arrive, she went into labor. We had our own personal medical droid, but there was only so much it could do… and Lagos and Korkie refused to go to the med center. Said it was too dangerous. Jax and I tried to tell them… we tried telling them that with Lagos being passed normal birthing age, that it was dangerous... her age could cause complications..." Soniee's chest caved, her lips pursed. "Well, it doesn't matter anymore. Lagos bled too much and died in Korkie's arms while I held the baby."

Rey's mouth fell open.

"We wrapped Lagos in some sheets, let Korkie be alone with her. Then during the night, he took her onto his ship and left. I didn't know where he went, but he came back after three days. He sat Jax and I down and told us he wasn't fit to take care of his daughter and that we should take her in. I should've been more shocked by the request, but I wasn't. I'd already been caring for that little girl, and... I know it sounds horrible, but it felt like she was mine. Even though I had my two boys by then, it wasn't an inconvenience. I always wanted a daughter..."

Soniee sat there, staring distantly at the floor. Quiet. "So... that was it?" Ben pushed. "Korkie gave you the child and left?"

Blinking quickly, Soniee adjusted her posture in the armchair. "Well, no. He named her, spent some time holding her. He would come a couple times a year and visit. We always introduced him to the kids as a friend to the family."

"Has he come by recently?"

"It's been about five years since the last time I heard from him. After Maridia disappeared, he didn't come by as much. No doubt he was searching for her. Probably still is."

"Do you know how to contact him?" Rey inquired, hopeful.

Soniee shook her head in sadness. "No. I've never known how to get in touch with him. He thought it would be better that way, just in case people came asking questions. Every time he came here, it was always unexpected."

Rey seemed to sink lower into the cushions. Ben put his hand on her knee, feeling her morose. "Why exactly was he trying so hard to hide from the Empire?" he asked.

"The Empire wanted to eradicate the Jedi. Even those who were bearing the gift of the Force were seen as a threat, and were either eliminated or taken in to be molded as an Inquisitor."

That perplexed Ben. "What does that have to do with Korkie?"

"His bloodline is descended from a Jedi."

Rey and Ben looked at the woman. Dumbstruck.

Stumbling over his words till he could form a sentence, Ben pointed out, "House Kryze doesn't descend from any Force users."

A sly smirk formed across Soniee's lips. "Not officially, no. When the Empire formed and the order to kill all the Jedi came, Korkie's mother told him of where he truly came from and why it was important to hide. You see, his biological mother was Duchess Satine, whom he grew up knowing as his aunt. When she was young, Satine became pregnant and her family agreed to keep it a secret and to have her sister raise the child."

"That doesn't explain the Jedi aspect of his heritage," Ben stated.

"His father was a Jedi, which was another reason Satine demanded Korkie's true parentage be kept a secret. If it came to light, the father would be expelled from the Order."

Rey leaned in, her torso almost touching her thighs. "Who's the father?"

"Obi-Wan Kenobi." Rey's eyebrows drew together as she tried to place where she had heard that name before. "He was tasked with keeping Satine safe and was her bodyguard for a year. They were only teenagers, so you could imagine the scandal Satine would have faced if her pregnancy became known." Soniee paused, her eyes scrutinizing Ben. "I'm sorry, did I say something to upset you? You look to be ill."

Rey glanced up at him, noting the pallor of his skin and how his throat kept constricting with each swallow. She placed her palm on his back, but he didn't show any sign of noticing.

Ben licked his lips, his palm firmly gripping her knee. "That's really what Korkie told you?" Soniee nodded. "How sure are you that this is all true?"

Soniee became defensive. "These facts made him hide from the Empire and live a life of seclusion. He wouldn't fabricate something like that. No one would."

Rey spoke up. "I'm sorry, but remind me, who is Obi-Wan Kenobi? I've heard the name before, but–"

"Anakin Skywalker was Obi-Wan's apprentice," Ben said through a tight voice. "Before he became Darth Vader."

"Obi-wan caused a lot of Vader's disfigurements," Soniee chimed in. "So Vader spent the rest of his life searching for Obi-Wan, until he finally killed him." Ben eyed the elderly woman in surprise. Not many people went out of their way to research the minute details of Anakin's life.

"Of course, Korkie didn't know that Vader was Anakin Skywalker," Soniee went on to clarify. "He just thought he needed to hide because he was biologically tied to a Jedi. It wasn't till after the Empire fell that he found out who Vader really was, and then told me everything. We both couldn't believe it. We'd met Anakin in our younger years, and even worked with his padawan to uncover political corruption on Mandalore. Sometimes I still can't process it all. And then to hear the news that Vader had children, one of them being Luke Skywalker and the other a prominent senator? One of the biggest scandals the galaxy had ever seen."

"Umm, yeah…" was all Rey could think of to say.

"And to add to all that, have you heard about Leia Organa's son being that monster? Makes you question whether darkness is hereditary."

Rey heard the air leave Ben's lungs. She put both her hands on top of his, trying to ease him in a way that didn't seem blatantly obvious. "Yes. We do know about that," Rey replied. "Would you be able to tell me more about my parents? How they met, perhaps?"

The change in subject relaxed the atmosphere as Soniee transitioned to more lighthearted stories. And Rey quickly became entranced for the next couple hours.

While Maridia grew up in comfort and wealth, Jacen did not have those luxuries. His mother died when he was two, his father becoming a prominent spice addict soon after her death. Not being fit to take care of a child, Jacen became orphaned and lived at the local displaced children center. But the boy was smart. Too smart to stay in those mundane schools. On his own, he won a scholarship to go to Lunburr Academy, the same school Maridia was attending.

Even though he was poor and lacked the lavish life of the rest of the students, Jacen had one thing going for him: he was extremely charismatic. He quickly garnered friends and admirers. Among which was Maridia. But she was four years younger than him, hardly mature enough to be noticed.

So they both went about growing up, dating other people, going off to a university. It wasn't until Jacen graduated and Maridia was home on holiday that they connected. It was a fast romance, a short engagement, and a beautiful wedding.

Soniee was just getting to the part where Maridia broke the news that she was pregnant when one of the monitors in the corner abruptly beeped.

It showed a fast moving Finn running straight for the front entrance. He banged on the door, yelling their names.

Soniee was obviously annoyed by the interruption. "A friend of yours?" she asked them.

Rey nodded, and Soniee pressed a button on the terminal that opened the front door. Rey called out to him. Finn, out of breath and drenching in sweat, ran into the sitting room.

"I've been trying to comm you," he told them through deep breaths. "Did you turn the link off?"

Ben grabbed the palm-sized device from his belt. "I guess I forgot to turn that part on–"

"The Resistance base is gone," Finn blurted out.

"What?!" Ben shot to his feet. Rey was too shocked to even move.

Finn frantically swallowed, trying to control his heaving lungs. "I just got a message from Poe and Jess saying they made it out and are in Dandoran's atmosphere. I gave him our location. He should be here soon with–"

Ben darted to the hallway and out of the house, not even giving a backward glance toward the three stunned people he left behind.

Rey went to Finn. "How did the First Order find them?"

"I don't know. They didn't say."

"His mother? Luke?"

"They didn't say anything about them either."

Rey turned to her grandmother, torn between staying or going after Ben. "It's alright dear," Soniee said as she stood and slowly came to her. "You should go make sure your friends are okay. I'll be here, like always."

"But–"

"Come by tomorrow and I'll have all the holopics and recordings out from storage. I'll tell you more about your parents then." The two women hugged, holding onto each other like neither wanted to let go. But Rey finally did.

"And Reyna?" Rey glanced back before going down the hallway. "I'm proud of you for fighting with the Resistance. Your parents and Korkie would be, too."

Rey's eyes stung with unfallen tears. "Thanks."

()()()()()

A child's laughter could be heard through out the corridors just beyond the kitchen. The sound bounced off the steely walls, mixing in with the soft hum of hyperspace. Inside the main room, Poe was bouncing little Anna on his knee, playing an easily entertaining game of peek-a-boo. Children had always been drawn to him. Maybe because the tiny humans had a way of sensing an adult's inner playfulness. And Poe had enough to be considered a child in his own right.

When he wasn't in the middle of a war, that is.

But since he finished the message to Finn and the men already raided the armory, there wasn't much else to be done. And Anna had parked herself on his lap once they were all finished eating, demanding attention. Poe welcomed the reprieve from his worries and tribulations.

Other than the two kids playing, the atmosphere was still quite somber. Not much talking, mostly staring. Garreaus cradling the baby. Lizari cleaning when she should be resting. Terr picking off the varnish on the table.

Everyone knew the predicament they were in. No need to voice it.

Jess entered the room. Poe glanced at her. Anna pulled at his hands, whining. "We exit hyperspace in five minutes," Jess said to everyone before making eye contact with Poe. They hadn't talked since their argument, when Poe had been a complete ass and unlike himself.

He needed to apologize.

Jess kept her face stoic, her voice all business. "I saw on the terminal you have a message ready for Finn. I can send it as soon as we get a signal."

"It's okay." Poe lifted up Anna and gave her to Terr. The little girl stretched her arms out to him, crying out, making him feel guilty. It marveled Poe how fast a child could wrap you around their little finger.

But Poe resisted her infantile pleading. "I should get to the cockpit anyway."

Jess nodded and moved out of the way so Poe could move past her. But he halted at her side, lowering his voice. "Can we talk?"

"Sure."

They headed to the cockpit in silence. Once inside, Poe drifted to the terminal, his eye scanning the message. He'd already read over it twice, but this was his way of stalling.

Poe turned around. Jess was leaning against the back of the pilot's seat, arms crossed, eyes down.

"I'm sorry, Jess."

She didn't say anything for a long minute. Didn't look at him. She just kept her focus to the floor.

The console dinged, alarming them that the ship was exiting hyperspace. Poe went to the pilot's seat as the green and blue planet of Dandoran filled up the foreport. Jess was at the terminal, sending the message to Finn.

"We both said things we regret," Jess said softly.

Poe glanced over and frowned. Jess sat next to him. "I'm in this till the end, Poe. I wasn't in a good place after we made it out of there. I'm still not. I hate not knowing who survived and who died. But I'm a soldier. I can't just cower from my duty. Which is why I think we should go ahead with the mission General Organa gave you."

"That's…. I wasn't expecting you to say that."

"You don't think we should?"

"I absolutely think we should. The thing is, the original plan was orchestrated around having a lot more people."

"You seemed pretty determined to go do things on your own not too long ago."

"Yeah. Well, I said that in the heat of the moment. I'm not actually insane."

The terminal in front of Jess chimed. "It's from Finn," she said as she opened the message, reading it quickly. "No. Way."

"What?" he glanced over.

Pupils still on the screen, Jess quickly said, "Finn, Ren and Rey are all on Dandoran. Finn just sent a message saying that they found Rey there looking for the remnants of her family." Jess's head snapped to Poe. "She found her grandmother!"

 _Whoa._ "What are the odds," Poe said in amazement.

"Finn sent the coordinates to the Falcon." Jess entered them into the computer. Poe followed the navigation instructions, veering the ship toward the southern part of the planet.

"Is it close to your parents place?" he asked.

"Not really. My parents are about 500 miles north of this area. I'll need to make time for a quick visit before we head off on the mission, if that's okay."

"Sure." The ship was getting close to entering the atmosphere. "But Jess… I don't know if we're gonna be able to go to Riosa."

"With an ex-stormtrooper and two Force users on our side, I'd say we could still do this. Or are you worried about asking Ren for help?"

 _Always_. "A million credits says the guy will outright say no. And maybe break my nose for asking."

Jess chuckled, the mood in the cockpit lifting significantly after finding out their friends were nearby. "Can't take you up on that bet since I happen to agree. But we would at least have Finn and Rey's help."

"You think she would come without Ren?"

Jess shrugged. "I mean, I'm pretty sure she would. She's not the type of person who just lets her friends run off on a risky mission without her. And if Finn comes, she would want to make sure nothing happens to him."

Poe nodded. "That's… a pretty good assessment, actually."

"Thanks. It's what I'm here for."

Entering the planet, Poe kept them high in the clouds, only wanting to descend when they got closer to Finn's location. Both Jess and Poe fell silent, looking at the scenery below. Poe cleared his throat. "Look, Jess…. What happened back at the base–"

"Already forgotten. Don't worry about it."

He closed his eyes briefly. "That's the thing... I don't want to forget it. But we're in the middle of a war and getting into a relationship right now–"

"I know," she cut him off. Not harshly. More in defeat.

"Jess, I really do wish I could see where this could go between us, cause I think it would be a good –"

She groaned, covering her face with her palms before pulling them through her hair. "Please, just stop," she said more forcibly. Then she took a breath. Relaxed her shoulders. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound rude, but hearing your explanation is just going to make it worse."

"Okay," Poe agreed. "We'll talk about it once this war is over."

He didn't speak anymore after that. And there was plenty he wanted to ask Jess about: Were her feelings still the same toward him? Would she want to be with him? Would she ever tell him about her time in those caves when Ren saved her from slavery? Could he just get some answers?

But it would be lousy to pressure Jess any further.

After what seemed like hours – but was realistically thirty standard minutes – they made it to the destination. Not much room left in the clearing, so Poe landed as close to the Falcon as he could. Still took out a few trees, though. Hopefully there weren't any locals nearby to complain.

A tall figure booked it out of the forest, running straight for the corvette. Jess and Poe shared a glance. "What do we tell him?" she asked.

He turned off the engines. "The truth."

Which is a whole lot of nothing.

Jess, Poe, BB-8 and the small family gathered at the docking ramp on the lower level, the blaring day sun shining into the loading area as it came down. Waiting at the bottom was Ren. Jess and Poe went to meet him.

"My mother?" was the first thing Ren asked. No greeting tacked on.

"We didn't see her. But she was with Skywalker all morning." Ren stared, expecting Poe to say more. "They got out," he added. "I know they did."

"How bad was it?"

"Bad," Jess said. "Two Star Destroyers. TIE's and drones everywhere."

"We've had a signal going out to any survivors, but we haven't heard back. They could still be in hyperspace. Or laying low."

BB-8 rolled up, whistling a hello. Ren actually gave the droid a slight smile.

Then his eyes drifted behind them. "You had your baby," Ren said, baffled.

Lizari stepped forward, giving a small grin and tilting the baby in a way so Ren could see. The newborn was fast asleep. "I did. Meet little Jorfel."

"Jorfel…" he whispered. Then he did something unexpected. With a gentle finger, Ren quickly touched the baby's chubby cheek. "Good name." Ren watched the baby a moment longer before lifting his head, surveying the rest of the group. "Is everyone okay?"

"No injuries," Garreaus replied. "Everyone's fine."

"Good." Ren nodded his head languidly, his gaze going to the forest. "Good. I'm glad you all survived."

Ren's brows knitted, his eyes glistening with what couldn't possibly be tears. But the more they welled up, the more Poe realized the guy was trying to fight against getting emotional.

"Are you doing okay?" Terr asked, saying what they were all thinking.

Ren swallowed. Rubbed his eyes between forefinger and thumb. "I– I'm sorry. I just…" The man abruptly turned and walked away, heading for the light freighter. No explanation given.

And no one called after him.

Rey and Finn broke through the thick brush of bushes and trees. Finn ran straight for them, his wide grin almost splitting his face in half. He immediately embraced Poe, then made his way to Jess before greeting the rest of the group.

But Rey was timid, keeping a distance, taking her time getting to them. But there wasn't just trepidation in her demeanor. There was concern. She would walk, pause, squint at the shrinking outline of Ren, and then continue forward. Like she couldn't quite make up her mind if she should go to him, or greet her friends.

She came to them.

"You found the runaway," Jess said as she went in for a hug. Rey stiffened before returning the gesture. "Heard you found your grandmother." The two women released each other. Jess smiled and gave Rey's arms a firm squeeze. "We're happy for you."

Rey shook her head in amazement. "You are?"

"Of course we are," Poe said, moving forward to get in on the hugging action.

"Rey. We're good," he told her. "You know that, right?"

All Rey could do was gape at him. But then with a shaky smile, she roused herself. "If you say so."

"We both say so."

As they began to swap stories of their current ordeals, Poe could see that Rey was distracted. She kept looking at the freighter. It wasn't long before she excused herself. With her gone, Finn told them of what he knew about her recent travels.

"How is she really?" Poe asked Finn as the family went back on board the corvette.

Finn shrugged, looking to the ship that Ren and Rey were both now on. "Trying to live with what she's done. I think it helps knowing we all still care about her. Having Ren around seems to balance her out."

Jess pulled her hair back in a bun to keep the breeze from tangling it. "What about Ren?" she asked.

Finn grew grave. "If the general didn't make it, it would be in all of our best interests to be as far away from that guy as possible."

Poe nodded in agreement, but was also kind of hopeful. It was nice to see reminders that Ren actually gave a shit.

Getting him to admit it, however, was going to be difficult.


	57. Compromise Sucks Sometimes

Ren gripped the edge of the mattress and leaned into his arms. Strangely, the light in the room, the door panel, the side table, the pattern in the sheets, it all became too clear, everything around him magnifying till he winced.

He closed his eyes.

He felt like he no longer had any control over what happened inside his head. Like he left a door unlocked and now there was no holding back the flood of nightmares, visions, sharp terrible imaginings that all revolved around one possibility:

What if his mother died?

And not in the traditional sense of getting to an old age and living a good life. Ren understood that everyone met their end sooner or later.

No. What if this war killed her? The very war he helped to create?

Weirdly, he never gave his mother's mortality much thought while with the First Order. There had been a part of him that always assumed she would survive and hide out in some corner of the galaxy, living there for the rest of her life after the Resistance was disbanded.

Although, that wouldn't be much of a life, now would it. At this point, it seemed death was the only way for her to ever find serenity.

Was there an eternity of peace awaiting _him_ at the far end of life?

Unlikely.

But Leia deserved it more than him. She wasn't good at being a mother. That he knew. But after everything with Rey – from him keeping the harsh truth about her parents, to frantically needing to find her – he'd come to see his mother's intentions more clearly.

At least when it came to keeping the matter of his grandfather a secret.

Stars. How far gone was he at this point? Rey had felt a disturbance through the Force, a signal from the cosmos telling her that something wasn't right. She could feel the distress from her master, his own uncle. But him? Nothing. He didn't get that pang of worry. Didn't even feel an underlying psychic twitch. That's how disconnected he was from his mother.

His own blood.

Ren opened his eyes and craned his head to the right. The datapad he unknowingly took from Soniee's house was just lying there. Enticing him.

He grabbed it.

Logging into the personal messaging account under the name Ben Solo, Ren's eyes unblinkingly looked at the screen. The transmission was still there, the one Leia had sent him right after the galaxy found out her deepest, most shameful secret.

He'd never viewed it. Never been tempted to.

Till now.

Ren heard footsteps from out in the hallway. Rey stopped just inside the room, the door closing behind. They both looked at each other. Ren wasn't sure what his face revealed, but he could see Rey's worry worsen over the span of seconds. So he figured he didn't appear all that together.

Ren tried to think of something to say. Not easy in a brain still reeling from todays events. "I'm sorry for leaving like that," he said. "And for ruining that moment with your grandmother."

Rey shook her head while walking to him. "It wasn't ruined." She sat down right in front of him, legs crossed. "And I'll have other moments to talk to her."

How she wasn't upset with him for cutting her time with Soniee short, Ren had no idea. No doubt she wanted to stay there all day, listening to stories of her parents from the only person who knew them.

He felt Rey squeeze his calf. "They're alive Ben."

Ren sighed. "I know. I would have felt it if she died." _That_ he was sure of, at least.

He glanced to the end table, for if he kept eye contact with Rey, he might not be able to keep himself emotionally composed. "But… after hearing about the Resistance, I tried reaching out to sense her and I couldn't. There was nothing. And I thought her to be dead." His voice cracked. "And it would have been my fault, because I helped start this war."

There was a beat of silence before Rey asked, "You never thought that your mother might die when you joined the First Order?"

Ren blinked, looked around. "I guess… I've just always believed her to be invincible."

Rey frowned. Ren knew how ridiculous his response sounded, but it was the truth.

Rey scooted to be beside him, and glanced at the datapad in his hands. The messages were still being shown on the screen. "What's that?"

"It's the recording she sent me right after it was revealed she was Vader's child. I've never watched it."

"Do you want to watch it right now?"

…."I don't know."

Slowly, Rey's finger went to the message, like she was waiting to see if Ren would stop her from touching it.

He didn't.

Leia's face, only slightly less aged, appeared on the device. Beads of sweat formed on her forehead, her breathing sporadic, wisps of hair sticking out of the bun on top of her head. It appeared as if she was winded, like she had hurried to get this message to him. "Ben. I don't know where you and Luke are. It's been months since either of you responded to one of my messages. I don't even know if you'll get this one in time. But something happened at a Senate meeting today, and it pertains to my lineage. Your lineage," Leia added, wiping at a tear that trailed down her cheek. "I never told you where our family truly comes from because honestly, it sickens me to think about it. You know Luke and I are twins. You know I was adopted. But all those times you asked if I knew who my real parents were… I lied to you. I do know. I've known for decades. Padme Amidala, a great woman who did so much for the Republic, is my mother. My father, however… is Darth Vader. Please don't turn off this recording," she said quickly, desperately. "I need you to listen to me." Leia went on to tell the tale of Anakin Skywalker, his rise as a Jedi and his fall to a Sith. She stressed for Ben to talk to Luke, for he was the one who told her of Anakin's return just before the man died. How seeing his son tortured at the hands of Palpatine turned him back to the Light. How Vader saved his own son by killing the Emperor.

Leia moved closer to the screen, searching, as if she could see him. "Whenever I thought I had mustered up the courage to tell you the truth, fear would stop me. You've struggled so much with the Force while growing up, I just… I didn't want you to look at yourself and think that there was something inside of you that was _him._ There isn't, Ben. You're my son and you're a good person. Your power may come from your true bloodline, but who you are is very much up to you." She glanced down. Did another wipe at her cheeks. "I can only imagine what you think of me. Probably that I'm a liar, and you're right." She looked back up, conviction gleaming in her eyes. "But I was trying to spare you from carrying this burden of _knowing_ , like I have. It's a horrible thing to know this. But I hope you can come to understand why I kept this from you. You are my pride, Ben. I love you and am so proud of you for overcoming so many challenges throughout your life." The recording shook. Leia was grasping onto the recorder, her face now taking up the whole screen. "Please, please. I beg you to comm me. Or come to Hosnian Prime so we can talk in person. I haven't seen you in so long and I miss you."

A sob escaped. She put a hand over her mouth to stifle it. Once composed, she straightened and looked at him softly. Like a mother would. "I hope one day you can forgive me. I love you, Ben. Forever."

The screen went black.

Ren's eyes had glazed over, a veil that separated Ren from the world around him. He couldn't look away from the datapad that was creaking in his tightening grip. Legs overlapped, he placed his elbows on his knees and leaned forward till his forehead rested against the cold screen. Rey rubbed his back, probably figuring he was about to have another one of his mental breakdowns that involved a lot of tears.

But none fell.

Ren wasn't in that kind of mood. Not right now. What he was trying to do was rein in his cancerous rage, the kind that liked to spread throughout his cells like liquid acid. Seeing Leia so open, so heartrending, so loving made him think of everything he had truly lost.

His mind. His family. His father.

Control.

It was all taken from him… because of Snoke.

The realization held him tight, curling its tendrils around his heart till he felt the physical pain blossom within his chest wall. Even when he found out Snoke had been using him for his own personal gain, Ren had still appreciated the lessons he'd been taught, the strength he'd acquired. But now, in this moment, Ren would give it all up for the chance to go back in time and never become Snoke's apprentice.

The power he accumulated was minuscule compared to the losses.

He truly saw that now.

Finn was right. He'd been a slave. And his mother saw what he couldn't see: that he'd essentially been abused. He was a victim.

_I'm a victim._

But even with such an epiphany, it did not change the fact that he had done horrible, monstrous things.

The more he thought of that reality, the distance, the loss? The more he wanted to be Ben again.

And then there it was. Welling up deep in his gut.

The sorrow.

Always the sorrow, waiting patiently behind the anger. Like his body just loved for him to bathe in such an agonizing emotion.

Rey guided him onto the bed, twisting him around so he was facing away from her. At first he was confused. He couldn't hold her in this position. But then he felt her limbs wrapping around his body, and he relaxed.

Ren nestled his back against Rey's strength. And it was comforting… as he felt her lean muscles trying to envelope him, he knew that she would stand beside him for however long it took, never ducking from a challenge, pressing on with purpose and focus, going until they finally found the foundation of a calm life together.

That was just how she was made. She didn't quit. Ever.

Ren had thought himself to be the same way. But really, he had called it quits when he left that diner; when he gave into that dark void within himself. Living out the violent life he secretly yearned for.

Giving in had been him giving up.

He grabbed onto the back of her hand, weaving their fingers as he pulled her closer. Rey's breath cascaded over his neck as she nuzzled. "I love you," he said as he mentally turned off the lights.

"I love you, too." Her lips pressed against the skin by his ear. "We were always meant to love each other. I think today showed us that."

 _She's a Kenobi_.

While such news was jarring to hear, Ren found it easy to accept. Like fate was coming full circle, giving their families a second chance to do things right. But did Rey feel the same way?

"Do you ever think… you were forced to love me?" Ren nervously asked. "That this destiny took the decision from you?"

"No," she immediately answered, her breath tickling his ear. "I had the choice whether to love you or not. As did you. And if you want my opinion, we chose right."

He brought the back of her hand to his lips, leaving behind a kiss. "Rey, I never had a choice. And I am completely all right with that."

It didn't take long for Rey's hand to wonder down… down… down beneath his trousers.

They undressed, touched, kissed, tasted. They went hard and hot and deep and fast. Then they went slow and sweet. Repeating the cycle over and over again in the afternoon and evening. Rey under him. On top of him. Ren saw her eyes every time pleasure lit her up. Held her when she came down to find her breath, collapsing into him. Every time he came, every time he tasted her did he realize just how much he was starving.

Throughout the night, he wanted all that she was.

And everything is what she gave.

()()()()()

The next morning, they all said goodbye to Terr, Garreaus, Liz, and the little ones. Before they left, Rey got to hold the baby for the first time, mesmerized by how small and cute the little thing was. So warm. So soft. And maybe for a moment, she pretended he was hers. But she didn't stay in that delusion for long. She caught Ben staring at her, face filled with pitiful pain. That was what brought her back to reality.

She tried passing the baby off to Ben, but he declined. Even looked terrified when Rey tried pushing him into his arms. He was much more comfortable giving Anna a hug, though. The little girl couldn't even wrap her arms around his shoulders, which Rey found amusing.

They all talked for a bit, agreeing that the safest place for the children to be was with Lizari's sister. And luckily, her sibling was the only other member of the family to leave the notions of the Empire behind, in turn being cast out from the clan.

"For the better," Liz had stated. Guess having a family wasn't always filled with happy memories and loving moments.

They watched and waved as the family flew off in the corvette, but Rey wasn't worried. She would see them again someday. She could feel it.

They all broke off to do their own things after that. Much to Rey's satisfaction, her and Ben spent the morning training in the newly opened space. But something was different about Ben. He was more aggressive and assertive than usual, his hard swings almost breaking her arm at one point. He calmed a little, but the anxiousness behind his steely gaze never left. His need for her to perfect certain forms or to break down his mental barriers was making her exhausted. But she never relented until she got his approval.

And she did. Quickly. But he didn't verbally praise her for the lightening speed of her learning. He just gave a nod and moved onto the next lesson.

Why was he being so quiet and hard-hitting?

Finn had been watching the two train, putting in his own two credits when he thought Rey was out of form. The glares Ben gave didn't seem to quiet him. On the contrary, Rey was pretty sure it just made Finn critique them even more.

At one point, Rey let her attention wonder. Sitting on the Falcon's ramp, Poe was leaning into Jess, speaking urgently. Jess nodded. Then shook her head. Then spoke. And now it was Poe's turn again. The body language didn't suggest anything personal. This conversation was all about business. And these days, business always pertained to the war.

Ben caught her being distracted and whacked at her wrist with the dueling cane. After that, her focus didn't waver.

Once the afternoon came, and Rey had stuffed her belly full of some sort of green grained dish Ben had whipped up, she laid in the medical alcove aboard the Falcon, not moving. There had to be over a dozen bruises forming on her body and they all pulsed along with her heartbeat, heating down to the bone.

Eyes closed, she smiled.

With all the bumps and cuts and sweat, it had been an exceptional training session. Ben's unusual behavior aside, Rey loved being pushed beyond her capacity. And she refused to heal the wounds she had acquired. They were like sharp reminders of what she accomplished.

But she did need to know what was wrong with Ben. These weird moods he gets in usually pertained to him hiding something from her. And while she believed he couldn't be harboring any more detrimental secrets from her, Rey _knew_ him. Even if the matter was a small one, he liked to internalize the problem instead of asking for help.

Pride. One of his weaknesses.

Rey suddenly felt a presence. She opened her lids to see Ben hovering over her. "You're as sneaky as a monkey-lizard, you know that?" Rey sat up, letting her legs dangle on either side of him.

Ben moved in closer, her palms going to his chest, sliding over his contoured shoulders. She couldn't help thinking about the alone time they had yesterday... and how she wanted to do it all again. "I take it you're in a good mood," he said.

Her eyes lit up, tone cheery. "Of course I am. I feel like I made substantial progress in my training this morning. Thanks to you." She poked his pec with her forefinger. "Maybe I should start calling you master."

He gave her an amused look. "Lets stick with Ben for now. Master makes me sound old." Placing some stray hair behind her ear, he saw the bruise that was forming at the apex of her cheekbone. He winced. "I can heal this for you."

She moved his hand away. "No. I want to keep it."

Ben ran his hands up and down her sides, his eyes still on her cheek. "I'm sorry for being too rough with the training. I was pushing too hard. Maybe I should–"

"But I want you to challenge me. I can take a blow. You know that. We've talked about this."

Not entirely convinced, he said, "If that's what you want…"

"It is." Seeing his concerned face, Rey knew they would have this conversation again. Maybe another hundred times. Was it wrong for her to put Ben in such an uncomfortable position of leaving her bruised and slightly injured? Probably. But she needed to fast track her learning. And to do that, he needed to challenge her.

"What's been bothering you?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You seemed anxious throughout most of the training. And it wasn't from you giving me a few bruises."

He bit at the inside of his lip, looking over her head to the padded alcove wall. His hair was still wispy and wild from being outside. She liked it better that way. Made him look more carefree. Young. Ben. Her Ben. "I didn't want to tell you yesterday, because I just found you. But you need to know something." He got serious, locking eyes with her. "I got knocked out on the Eravana and saw–"

"Hey," Poe said from the corridor, Jess and Finn beside him. Ben moved away from their intimate stance like Rey was on fire, putting a few feet of air between them. Rey looked at the intruders, annoyed. Whatever Ben had been about to say seemed important.

And she was enjoying being close to him.

Poe eyed the two of them. "You guys have a minute?"

"No," was Ben's flat response.

"Well, this is important," Poe said as he made his way to the dejarik table and sat. "So you're just gonna have to make time." Jess and Finn followed. Rey went to one of the crates closest to them. Ben stayed standing.

Of course.

Poe cleared his throat. "Do you guys recall why I couldn't go with you to help find Rey?"

"You had a mission coming up," Finn answered, intrigued.

"It was something personal General Organa wanted me to do for her. And since I've done something similar before and made it out, she wanted me to do it again."

"Do what again?"

"A prison break."

Rey's eyes widened. "She wants you to break someone out of prison? Who?"

"A close friend of hers that's on death row for murder and terrorism – which he was framed for," Poe assured them. "His execution is in a couple weeks. Jess and I mapped out a plan, but we were expecting to have a few more people on the team."

"You want us to help," Finn surmised.

Poe nodded. "I think we would have a better advantage if it wasn't just Jess and I trying to do this. And it doesn't hurt that you two"–he motioned to Rey and Ben–"are pretty good with the Force."

Ben finally joined in on the discussion. "Why do _you_ want to do this?"

There was a pause as everyone looked from Ben to Poe. "Because I was ordered to."

Ben's eyes tapered, suspecting. "The Resistance is gone. I'd say that makes those orders obsolete."

"And I don't share your opinion. The general made it clear that this man could be detrimental to the revival of the New Republic. He was once a prominent senator."

"Have we heard of him?" Finn asked.

Still looking at Ben, Poe coolly answered, "One of you definitely has."

Rey squirmed in her seat, feeling the tension that was rising in the room. "What's his name?"

…."Ransolm Casterfo."

()()()()()

Disbelieving, Ren stayed perfectly still. If he didn't, he might not be able to control his thoughts from killing someone.

Take out the 'might'.

Everyone was staring at him, watching to see if he would do anything rash. Everyone, except Rey. She glanced from one person to the other before looking at Ren. "Sooooo… I take it you all know who this guy is. But I've never heard of him before."

Jess steepled her fingers, resting her elbows on her thighs as she turned toward Rey. "He's the senator who ousted General Organa and Luke Skywalker as being the children of Darth Vader during a senate meeting. It was all over the Republic News for months afterward."

"Leia never told me the truth about my grandfather," Ren added, his voice shockingly controlled. Rey knew these facts, but the others probably needed a reminder. "So I found out on one of the broadcasts." His focus went to Jess. "It was right after I killed all the slavers and freed you, actually."

Jess blanched. "Well… shit."

"Apt assessment."

"You seem to be taking this quite well," Poe commented, finger tapping on the lounge table as he reservedly studied him.

Ren arched his eyebrows so high, he expected them to be above his hairline. "Am I? I may not be destroying this room in a fit of rage or trying to kill you, but I wouldn't quite label me as being completely level at the moment."

"General Organa ordered me to do this. I didn't come up with it on my own."

"The Resistance is gone," Ren argued. "No need to follow up on those orders."

"The Resistance took a hard hit, but it will never be gone," Poe countered. "Because there are good, strong people in this galaxy that will always rebel against tyranny."

Ren gave a wry smile. "What lovely beliefs."

"You act as if you don't give a damn."

Grin fading, Ren said, "I don't."

"Bantha shit," Poe snapped. "You give so many damns, they're visible from space. Or was I hallucinating your reaction when I told you we didn't know what happened to you mother?" Ren's jaw clenched. Poe didn't back down. "You walk around talking about how the ideals of the Republic are flawed and corrupt, like you're somehow able to get a clearer picture than the rest of us from that noble perch you've been living on. If that's what you truly believe, than I'll probably never change your mind. But you love your mother. It was obvious from your reaction. And if you have any sense of loyalty at all, it should be to her and to what she fights for. Don't lie to yourself and say you don't care. You do."

Jess and Finn were clearly uncomfortable, both heads swiveling in any direction that didn't take their eyes to either of the men. Rey, however, was glaring at Poe. "Poe–"

Ren cut her off. He didn't want her defending him. "Thanks for telling me what I'm thinking, but I should be able to handle my own thoughts from here on out."

Poe huffed. "Are you gonna help me or not?"

"Not."

"I will," Finn spoke up.

"You know I'm already in," Jess added.

Rey gazed at the floor, chewing on her inner cheek, looking to be conflicted. But Ren knew what she was going to do. These were her friends. And where Finn went, Rey followed.

She inhaled. Exhaled. Looked to Poe. "I'll come, too."

Suddenly, everyone's attention was back on him. "What are you all looking at me for?"

"Is it okay with you that she comes?" Poe asked.

"Do I look like her keeper? Or are you hoping that if she goes, I'll follow?"

"The latter."

He gazed at Rey for a lengthy moment. She was waiting for him to answer, a mixture of guilt and determination showcased on her face. "Rey can make up her own mind," he finally said. Ren walked to the main corridor, needing to take his leave of the group. "If she wants to go, I won't stop her," he added before walking down the hallway.

Exiting off the loading ramp, the heat of the afternoon sun greeted his pale face, his eyes squinting from the invasive light. He went into the trees, finding the comforting shade and concealment he craved.

There wasn't just anger being pumped through his heart, but a worry that made him squirm. What if something happened to Rey while he stayed behind? What if it was something he could prevent?

His body tingled with fear. Closing his eyes for a moment, he wondered in that temporary darkness what it would feel like – death. Except you couldn't really feel death. Even with him on Lothal, there hadn't been a feeling associated with it. No one could really describe it, because you just couldn't.

But him and Rey were different.

They would experience each other's passing. The loss.

So he should go to make sure nothing happened to her.

But… she was going to help save _him_. That senator. The man Ren reviled. He didn't want to save Casterfo from his execution.

But Rey…

He groaned. These thoughts all contradicted each other. An endless circle of buts or these or that's that brought him to zero conclusions. What was more precious to him: his antipathy, or Rey?

Twigs snapped and leaves crunched from the footsteps approaching him. Ren knew who it was. He felt her coming to him minutes ago. "Are you really fine with me helping them?" Rey asked softly.

He turned around, hands in pockets. "If I told you no, would you stay?" Rey remained silent. "I thought not. When you make up your mind, even I have a hard time talking you out of doing something. And Finn's going, which sealed the deal."

Her brows lowered, sad and puzzled. "You aren't worried for me?"

That caught him off guard for a moment.

Ren went to her and grasped onto her strong arms, his head bending down so she didn't have to crane hers so far up. "Of course I'm worried for you? Do you think I'm not?"

"Didn't seem like it back there."

"Rey, I don't want you to go do something I deem reckless. But you won't not go. So what am I supposed to do?"

"Come with us."

He dropped his arms. Took a step back. "I can't."

"You won't," she corrected. "Ben, we're stronger when we're together."

Ren started to pace from his growing frustration, running his hands through his hair. Rey watched. Waiting. "I've hated my fair share of people throughout my life," Ren explained as he walked back and forth. "Probably more than what's deemed 'fair share'. But Casterfo… I deeply and sincerely despise that man. He revealed my mother in the most political way of humiliating and ruining her for his own personal gain. And I just can't forget how I found out the truth. Seeing that broadcast made me snap. Made me…" His voice stopped, as well as his legs.

Rey came to him. "I understand your anger. And I'm sorry you have it. But even if I didn't go, would you seriously be fine with your friends going out and doing this without you?"

_Friends._

That was a potent word. And quite the stretch.

But putting aside the possibility of friendships, in the end, Ren just couldn't let Rey go somewhere without him.

"I'll stay with the ship and get you guys once you're done," he compromised. More so with himself. He would be close enough to help her if needed, but far enough away to not have to interact with Casterfo. Maybe he could make it so he wouldn't even have to see the guy.

Rey palmed his cheek and got on her toes to give him a quick kiss. "That'll be enough."

He sure hoped so.


	58. Prison Break Part One

Riosa's prison was extremely remote, located on a small island eighty miles off the coast of the capital, surrounded by tall, sharp mountains. There was no way to escape, except to take your chances on climbing the sheer rock faces.

Or to have a ship.

The Falcon was on one of the only small plateaus they could find. In the cockpit sat Ren, restless and unable to stop his foot from tapping against the flooring.

They shouldn't be doing this. There was no need anymore. The Resistance was gone. And an hour before leaving to Riosa, they found out that the First Order now occupied Coruscant.

Didn't take Hux long before ascertaining his next target. But he was a man who took quick advantage of an opportunity.

Did he really have to execute Senator Tisnew though?

 _Eh. His heart would have given out within a week of having the Order control his planet. Best to get the dying part over with,_ Ren thought.

Feeling claustrophobic, he went outside, feeling the cool, salty air upon his taut, milky skin. He walked back and forth between the two cliffs, one side showing him the dimly lit hexagonal outline of the prison. The other, the dark ocean that stretched for an eternity.

From the edge, Ren looked down and thought he could make out several people along the narrow shore. Could hear their voices. But no. Those were just rocks. And the noise was just the sighing sound of the water on the sand below.

His paranoia was making him hear things. See things.

Every time he walked between the cliffs, he thought he saw something out of the corner of his eye. All this moving around was making his anxiety worse, but he didn't want to stay inside the ship.

His head swiveled to look up at the Falcon. Power focused in his legs, Ren leapt into the air, arched, and then touched down softly next to the sensor dish. Shoulders hunched, hands shoved in his pockets, jacket zipped all the way up, he faced the valley while trying to stay somewhat warm.

In the sky, the clouds parted enough for the moon to shine through, it's minuscule light making the energy shield around the prison glow imperceptibly. Not even a glow, really, a suggestion of translucence. But an obvious wall, nonetheless.

An impenetrable, impermeable barrier.

Poe's idea around it? Wait for the last shift change of the evening. Every six hours, the shield was deactivated so those who needed to leave or enter could do so. It could be off for a short ten seconds, or as long as a minute. Depends on how quickly the new set of guards wanted to relieve those on duty.

Hopefully the new batch was feeling particularly lazy tonight.

_If not, then this mission will show who really is the fastest sprinter._

…. _That was a little too phlegmatic of a thought for the chance that one of them could die,_ he scolded himself.

But he always had somewhat of a morbid sense of humor. Which everyone took as him being inhuman... which he kind of was.

Suddenly, the glimmering stopped. Ren stepped forward. Squinting. In his head, he counted the seconds:

_One… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine…_

The barrier came back.

That was far quicker than he thought it would be. His eyes roamed the area. Rey made it. He felt her alive. But everyone else?

"Shit," he fumed, his voice carrying amongst the swirling air. Rey was right. He cared about those people down there. They all had their different levels on his care-o-meter, some higher than others. But dammit… he was concerned.

Hopefully all those quick lessons of showing Rey how to control levitating others and herself paid off. Because next, they had to get over the wall that had electro-spikes adorned at the top. Then Force stun some guards so they could steal some uniforms and access chips.

Too many things had to go right. And they rarely ever did. Not to mention in his opinion, they were relying on Rey way too much.

Stars. This stress was giving him heart palpitations.

Ren didn't mind having Rey take up residence within his heart, but once you began adding more to that muscle did you start having problems with being rational. So maybe if he never showed the others his worry, this whole caring thing would be consumed by that ever-lingering black hole of apathy.

That's what he told himself to harden against the soon to be losses, anyway. Because smart credits said that someone wasn't getting out of this war alive. And with Rey and his mother among the biggest targets of the First Order, he had his heart almost filled to capacity worrying for them.

His muscles shivered. The temperature was falling fast, his fingers and toes already numb.

How long had be been out here? Thirty minutes? An hour?

Ren went inside the Falcon to grab his winter coat, but stopped as he passed the cockpit. The communications signal was beeping from an incoming transmission. Someone was trying to hail the Falcon.

Dashing for the console, Ren was afraid that whoever it was would give up on trying to contact them. Maybe it was his mother…

A holo-image appeared of someone who certainly wasn't Leia, but rather her scruffy looking twin.

"I've been hailing the Falcon for almost an hour," Luke exclaimed, frustrated. His face sunken, but not from age. It was exhaustion. "Do you not have the transmission alarm connected to your comlink?"

Ren crossed his arms, stayed standing. "Nice to see you're still alive," he commented smugly. "Where's Leia?"

"She's fine. We made it out."

"If she's fine, why can't I sense her?"

Skywalker scratched his beard, seeming apprehensive. "We ran into a problem while trying to escape. Leia was rendered unconscious, and the blockade of Star Destroyers was making it impossible for anyone to leave. So I had to siphon enough energy from her to bring one down." Ren's eyelids pulled back, eyes stinging from the inability to blink. "But doing so weakened her greatly. I'm still trying to regain my own–"

Ren raised a hand. "You took energy from her? That could have killed her!"

"I knew what I was doing," Luke argued confidently. "I knew how much to take."

"That doesn't matter. You never know how someone's body will react to the siphoning process. She could've had a heart attack right when you started!"

"Leia's strong and can handle it."

Ren pegged him with a hard stare. "She's fifty-three."

"So am I," Luke retorted. "Age defines your body. Not your mind."

Through clenched teeth, Ren said, "But you didn't take the strength from her mind. You took it from her body."

Luke's eyes pinched, observing his nephew for a stretched moment. "I didn't think you'd care this much."

"Would it shock you if I said I do?"

"Yes, actually." Luke seemed to lean back in whatever chair he was sitting in, exhaling loudly. "I saw the message Finn sent to Leia. I want to see Rey."

Ren hesitated. "That's… a little difficult at the moment."

"Ben, I need to know how she's doing."

"She's fine."

Luke didn't buy it. "What's going on?"

Ren waved an inconsequential hand through the air. "She's with her friends right now."

"Stop being coy."

Ren rolled his eyes. And then told Skywalker what Rey and the rest of them were up to.

The man was not too pleased. "How could you let them still do this?"

"Me?" Ren said, taken aback. "How is this my fault? What was I supposed to do? Stop them?"

"That mission isn't a priority anymore. So yes, you should've found a way to stop them."

"By doing what? Using the Force?"

"Of course not. But you know how to be manipulative and at times, persuasive under certain conditions."

Ren blinked at the almost there compliments. "No one listens to me around here. Especially Rey. She'll follow her friends into the eye of a storm if she thought the cause was worthy. Honestly, at this point, I think they're all bad influences on her."

"This isn't a time for jokes," Luke scolded.

Ren lounged in the pilot chair. "I was being serious. The wording made it sound like a joke."

Skywalker massaged his forehead. Then looked up. "Go after them. Tell them the mission is to be scrapped, per my orders."

"They're already inside the prison."

The Jedi Master shook his head in defeat. "This was a horrible idea from the beginning," he murmured.

Ren shrugged. "I wasn't really expecting you of all people to agree with me, but I'll take the support where I can get it."

"I think the mission is dangerous. You just want Ransolm's execution to go forward for obvious personal reasons. Our opinions are different."

"Well, if you want to get technical… then, yeah. But Rey isn't completely unprepared. We've been practicing her mental capabilities and I taught her how to Force stun."

Skywalker gazed at him. "You've… been teaching her."

"I just said that."

"What else have you taught her?"

"Don't worry. I haven't corrupted your precious student. The only–" Ren paused, ears perking up as he caught the distant noise of sirens. His forehead creased as he stood and looked out the cockpit to the now fully illuminated prison.

"What is it?" Luke asked, anxious. "Is it Rey?"

"It's the prison alarm," Ren said as he went for his comlink. He commed every single one of them, but no one answered. More than likely, they were on silent.

Impatient, Skywalker asked, "Why aren't they answering?"

"Remember when I told you how no one around here listens to me?"

"Then go after them. They probably need–" Ren ended the transmission. Breathing deeply, he kept staring out the foreport, not sure what he should do. Poe specifically told him not to do anything unless otherwise ordered. And Ren was supposed to wait for Poe to comm him that they were ready to be picked up at the north tower. That was the rendezvous point.

"Fuck," he whispered as he left the cockpit, going to the smuggling compartment. BB-8 rolled down the hallway, watching Ren as he lifted the flooring and hoisted Threepio out.

Ren begrudgingly switched him on.

Threepio shot upright. "–what if they find us anyway!" The protocol droid yelled. His head swiveled around, noticing Ren to his side. "How long have I been powered down? That's specifically against the rules!"

"I was eight, then. Those rules have expired. You know how to communicate with the Falcon, correct?"

"Well, yes, but–"

Ren hoisted the protocol droid to its feet. "I'm going to turn the autopilot on, but have you hooked up to the computer so you can give it directions. When I comm you, I need you to come pick us up."

He turned, jogging to the living quarters. Threepio hastily shuffled after him. "You want me to fly the Falcon?" Threepio asked, shocked.

"It's sort-of flying." Ren entered his and Rey's private room, accompanied by Threepio and BB-8.

"Sort-of flying? There is no such thing as 'sort of flying'!" Threepio protested.

" _I know the basics of operating a ship_ ," BB-8 beeped. _"I can help."_

"Perfect. You'll have some extra support, Threepio." On the bed, Rey's lightsaber and the pistol Han had given her were in the middle. Ren eyed both objects. He knew Rey should've taken her saber, but she hadn't been confident she wouldn't kill anyone with it. So she left it behind. The pistol? She was too afraid of losing it for sentimental reasons.

Ren grabbed the mundane blaster from the side table.

"I'm getting help from a BB unit?"

Both Ren and BB-8 looked to the standing droid, glaring. Well, Ren was pretty sure that's what BB-8 would do if he had eyes.

Looking past Threepio's prejudices, he ordered, "Download the schematics of the Riosa Planetary prison." Ren strapped the blaster holster to his belt. "You'll come to the north tower when I tell you."

"Why a prison?"

Ren walked out, heading for the loading ramp.

"Is anyone accompanying you?"

He walked down the exit, leaving the two droids.

But he was still able to hear Threepio's last question. "Is being ignored considered a hobby?"

Winds now stronger, Ren went to the cliff, glanced over the edge, and jumped. He didn't have time to hook himself in a harness and scale the cliff wall like the rest had done. Falling would be much quicker.

The air filled his ears and stung his eyes, the momentum moving his stomach into his throat. He wasn't sure exactly how far the fall was, so he kept his squinted vision on the bottom. Slowing, he touched down with little to no repercussion and set off on a run.

He stayed to the route the others took, staying among the boulders and heading to the back of the facility.

The only way to get to the prison was to go through the shield. Literally. Ren figured it was the same principle as when Cato rammed the lightsaber in his hand. You try to deflect the energy with your own. Or absorb it, like he did to those people on the Eravana. But absorbing the shields power would kill him within seconds because of its potency.

Deflecting it is.

But this time, he would have to do it with his whole body.

Quite the problem upgrade.

And if he lost focus while walking through? He would be stripped down to his molecular structure and disintegrate. That had to be near the top of the list of the worst ways to die.

Ren crouched behind a wide tree, measuring the distance between him and the barrier as approximately ten meters. No rocks or trees to hide behind along the way. He would be seen. That was guaranteed.

But going through the barrier would take time, so he would be seen anyway. And the others were probably in need of a distraction.

Good thing feats of overcoming impossibility always drew a crowd.

Ren took some deep breaths, preparing mentally for his performance before sprinting out of his concealment, straight for the barrier. He heard the shouts. Saw the red blaster fire whiz by.

His focus remained unwavering. It had to.

He hit the translucence with a breathtakingly rough impact, his insides feeling as if they were being torn apart and rung out of his belly button.

Vibration. That was the only sound that ran through his ears. That rattled his bones. It threatened to seal his eyes shut, but he forced them to stay open. Just as he forced one foot in front of the other.

The pace was slow-moving, worse than swimming through a body of mud.

Guards lined both sides of the barrier, frozen. In shock, most likely. He counted the onlookers he was facing. Four. Strength depleting fast, he second-guessed if he would even be able to take out the small group of guards.

Drenched in sweat, breathing hard, he concentrated on his movement, repelling the energy that wanted to tear him apart.

_Almost there. Almost…_

He collapsed out of the shield. Gasping for fresh air. Shivering from the cold.

None of the guards knew how to respond. They were all trying to figure out if they were hallucinating, or if this person was indeed real. Ren took the quiet moment to inhale deeply… and then stun the men unconscious.

Now shaking severely, his body rebelling against the excessive use of energy, he crawled to the nearest guard. The person was not gifted with the Force, so Ren wouldn't be able to siphon much strength from him. He quickly made his rounds to the other three.

The four men were still alive once Ren was done.

Standing on stronger legs, he cleared the inner wall and ran in the direction of where the shield was originating. He took out two more security before reaching the shield generator.

And then realized he didn't bring any explosives.

He cursed under his breath. Now, he would have to get creative. He popped open the side paneling, immediately being met with the cooling system. Grinning, he unhooked the tubes and let the liquid leak onto the ground. Without the coolant, the generator would overheat and eventually explode.

Hopefully 'eventually' was sooner rather than later.

Bent down low, Ren crept to the nearest prison entrance. He couldn't open it. He growled another slew of profanities and examined the panel.

A blaster bolt hit the wall a few feet to his left. And then another to the right.

He cranked his head around, frankly unimpressed with how obvious the guard was being and how bad his aim was.

With his hand outstretched, he pushed the guard violently against the duracrete wall. The body crumbled, an entanglement of arms and legs, but the man was still alive. Probably thanks to the helmet he was wearing.

Ren shouldn't have reacted so brashly. He very well could have killed the man, and then he would never hear the end of it.

The access chip port was locked, leaving only the palm print scanner to open the entrance. With a single command, the cataleptic guard was instantly a foot from Ren as he looked down at the armored figure. Calculating. Running over the odds of finding a guard at every corridor to donate their prints.

The likelihood could go either way.

Igniting his saber, he swept it through the man's wrist, the smell of burnt flesh wafting into his nose. Ren held the hand in his own, making sure the man's wrist and the detached limb stayed cauterized before taking the guards helmet and sliding it over his head.

The fingers cracked as he flattened the palm against the panel. The door opened, and Ren walked right on in.

()()()()()

Through the shadows, Rey sprinted to the high wall, aware that she had barely cleared the barrier zone. Not being able to stop her momentum, she rammed right into the duracrete. She heard a string of grunts to her right, everyone following suit.

Panting, they all crouched and huddled together, taking a moment to catch their breaths. "Hard parts over, kids," Poe whispered and looked to Rey. "You up to getting us over this wall?"

Her eyes trailed up the forty-foot structure, taking in the long electro-spikes at the top. "It's what I'm here for," she said with a smile.

One by one, she focused on clearing them over the spikes and setting them safely back down. It was actually quite easy. What was difficult was levitating herself. She made it over the barbs, but went to the ground with less grace than the others. Shaking it off, her concentration came back quickly.

It had to. Her job wasn't over yet.

They kept to the perimeter of the facility, Rey Force stunning each guard she came upon until they were all able to have their own uniforms and access chips. No one seemed to be a big fan of the new attire. The suit was adorned with black armor, covering the chest, arms, shoulders, and thighs. The midsection and legs were covered with thick wrappings of leather, looking to be constricting. But when it was Rey's turn to adorn the specialized suit, it actually fit comfortably, the material forming itself to her curves and height. Lastly, she put on the dark and slender helmet, her hair slightly pulling in the back in a way that was going to be annoying.

At least her black jumpsuit from Khalon worked underneath the armor. They all had to wear the bare minimum when it came to their clothing: no jackets, thick belts, or satchels.

Rey gazed down at the unconscious guard and felt unsettled. She didn't know any of these people, and yet, she was making their lives a whole lot more complicated. They were just doing their jobs of keeping the vile scum of the galaxy locked away from the rest of the them. Didn't make them bad people, necessarily.

Poe must have felt similar since he gave the order not to kill anyone. So maybe it was a good thing Ben wasn't here.

"Everyone good?" They nodded. "Each door panel can be opened with an access chip or a palm scan. But some are equipped to work with only the palm panel. So you two," Poe nodded to Jess and Rey, "stay to the route I laid out and you won't run into any problems. Good?" The two women nodded.

Since this was a relatively small prison, and the inner planetary government cut their funding significantly, the only cameras currently operating were the ones inside. So once Poe inserted the access key and opened the heavy door, they didn't hurry, duck, or try to hide, but rather walked casually, like it was just another day they were working, another credit they were earning.

They went through one access door after another, till finally making it to the main inner hallway that connected each of the six segments.

"Okay," Poe said quietly as they stopped in a curved hallway. "This is where we split up." He glanced from Jess to Rey. "Do you remember what to do?"

"We got this," Jess shrugged, sounding confident. As the girls parted, Rey glanced over her shoulder, but Poe and Finn were already gone.

"We're looking for entry A23, right?" Rey asked to make sure.

"Yup." As they weaved their way to the next destination, the few guards they passed paid them little heed. One nodded, but so far none tried to talk to them – which was a relief for Rey. She wasn't particularly well versed in the art of disguise.

Both women stopped outside the door labeled A23. Rey looked to Jess. Jess nodded. Rey put the access chip in the slot below the panel. With precise focus, she knocked out the five monitor guards.

Jess locked them in as they both yanked off their helmets. She whistled in admiration. "You're getting really good at this." They moved to the screens, Jess frantically searched for Poe and Finn.

"Only because Ben taught me," Rey admitted, noticing Jess's temples protrude slightly.

"There," Jess pointed. Rey got closer, leaning over the console. Poe and Finn were near a lift, waiting for Jess to signal that they had made it to the control room.

"You sure that's them?" Rey questioned. "It's hard to tell when the guards look the same."

Jess grabbed her comlink link and sent out a beep to Poe.

The two men began to move.

"That's them," Jess assured her. "I know Poe's walk." She paused. "That sounded weird."

Rey chuckled. "It's okay. You know someone long enough, you get accustomed to certain things about them." Rey was tempted to ask if there was anything going on between her and Poe, but Jess and her never really had a relationship like that. Jess taught her a lot of things about the Resistance base and social norms, but boys were never really a topic of discussion.

Plus, Jess seemed like a closed off person when it came to her private life.

Come to think about it, Rey actually talked more about that aspect of her life with Finn... who was a guy.

"You don't like Ben, do you?" Rey brought up abruptly. Jess tensed. "I saw how you reacted when I said his name."

Poe and Finn exited the elevator as Jess opened the entryways for them, timing it when Poe would 'place' his palm on the scanner. "I don't know," Jess breathed out. "It's all very confusing. I can't hate the person who saved me, but at the same time, I hate the man he is."

"Was," Rey corrected. Jess glanced at her from the corner of her eye. Rey shrugged. "He's getting there," she admitted reluctantly. "Maybe you should try talking to him about what happened in those caves."

Jess recoiled from the suggestion. "Why?"

"It could help you move on."

"I have moved on," Jess said a bit too harshly. She exhaled. Calmed. "Or mostly. Or whatever. I don't like talking about it. But I've learned to live with the memories."

"I think Ben has yet to learn that. Maybe you should talk to him not just to help you, but to help him as well. He killed a lot of people that night."

"Fiends. Monsters," Jess said the word like a curse, eyes staying on the screens. "All of them."

Poe and Finn were stopped by two officers. The girls tensed. But it didn't seem like a hostile exchange. After a moment, they followed one of them in the direction of the cells.

Heart a little more calm, Rey continued. "They were horrible people, but he took their lives, all the same. Still bothers him. Especially since he killed one of the women during it all."

That drew some ire from Jess. "That woman wasn't even paying attention. First thing she did when she got free was scream and run around–." Jess stopped talking. Took a deep breath. Eyes staring as if she lost hold of reality. As if she were still behind bars. And maybe in Jess's mind, she still was. "What I'm saying is… it was an accident."

Rey looked at her, placatingly. "You should tell him that."

"It's just weird to be around him in general." Jess straightened and pointed. "They're in the cell block."

Staring intently, they held their breaths for the next part. It was what they came here to do: to get Casterfo.

The cell shield came down. Words were exchanged. And then the officer left. Poe and Finn had Casterfo.

"So far so good," Rey said, feeling as if she might vomit from how heightened her nerves were. "But just think about talking to him, okay?"

"I will."

Suddenly, an armada of officers ran to the trio, stopping them. Something was said. Then they raised their weapons.

"No," was all Rey could say.

"What should we do?" Jess asked, panicked. An idea came to Rey's mind, one that was not all that safe. Her hands swept over the console before her finger hovered over a flashing red button. "What are you doing?"

"Evening the odds." She hoped.

Rey pressed down and watched every single shield on the cells disappear. Everyone was confused as to what just happened, but that only lasted a few short seconds. The prisoners rushed out and went straight for the officers. All hell broke loose.

The two girls lost sight of the men among all the chaos.

People were suddenly banging on the door, yelling. Jess was concentrating on finding Finn and Poe as Rey pulled up the camera feed from outside. Guards were starting to accumulate, one of them carrying a small metal box.

Out of her periphery, one of the above monitors caught Rey's eye. She squinted, entranced by what she saw, then horrified. Large beast-like hounds had been unleashed, pinning down prisoner after prisoner. Fists beat against the animals thick hides and spikes, but it didn't faze them.

The banging stopped. Rey's stare went back down, seeing the guards now gone, but the box remained. And then, she realized what it was.

She grabbed Jess's arm to push her as far away from the door as possible, but the entrance was blown apart before they could back away.

Rey groaned, her own moans echoing in her dulled ears as she languidly started to move. Through the dust and smoke, she saw Jess being dragged away.

Every part of Rey's body was being uncooperative. But as a new set of guards came at her, her mind was able to push them out of the room, their bodies hitting the outside hallway wall.

They scrambled away.

Sitting upright, her hands and eyes roamed over the armor, examining for wounds. Her ankle was badly twisted, but not broken. And she had a concussion: her ears rang, eyes stung from the light, and she gulped down a ball of vomit. Coordination was also a problem as she fumbled to stand.

Ben was trying to call out to her throught the Force, but her head was too rattled to understand him.

A growl came from the corridor.

Rey froze. One of those animals was staring right at her, it's sharp teeth displayed with each growl. On the monitor they had looked formidable. Up close, they were terrifying. Hideous. Black eyes menacing.

She force pushed. The animal took a step closer. Again she tried, but all that moved was the debris at the creature's feet. A chortle came from the things throat, almost like it was mocking her.

And then it lunged.

Rey grabbed the metal chair to her right and raised it as the creature pounced on top of her, the heavy weight knocking the air from her lungs. Its snout wriggled back and forth, trying to get past the chair that held it at bay. Arms burning, mildly aware that she was screaming, Rey looked quickly around.

A blaster. Under the console.

She adjusted her grip, holding the chair up with her left arm. Desperately, she called the blaster to her outstretched palm as the beast let out a spray of saliva, soaking her left hand and wrist. In one fluid motion, she pointed it right into the animal's mouth and fired a string of shots.

The creature whined, immediately getting off of her as it staggered, backed into the corner, and went down. It let out a sloshy breath and stilled.

Panting, she stared at the dead thing. Trembling. She'd fought animals before, but this encounter shook her deep with fear.

_The Force didn't work on it. How is that even possible?_

Rey didn't know things like that actually existed.

 _The prison_. Like being woken from a daze, Rey snapped to attention. Her left hand and wrist were now numb and not working. She hissed as she put weight on her bad ankle while scrambling around to find the comlinks.

They were smashed beyond repair.

Rey stripped the armored suit off her body and carefully unwrapped her left armband, making sure not to touch the saturated part.

Blaster in hand, she limped into the empty hallway. She looked left. Looked right. Trying to remember which way was north.

She went left.

Shuffling along, Rey called out to Ben. He didn't answer. More than that, it was like something was blocking her from getting through. She went past a small piece of debris, tried to Force pull it to her.

Nothing.

Horrified, she glanced down at her bad hand. Could the creature's saliva do more than just numb the body, but numb the Force as well? Fear threatened to swallow her whole, but she fought against it with a will that was forged out of hardship and independence.

She breathed her courage in. Let it settle.

Rey set the blaster to stun. She knew how to use the weapon. She was growing accustomed to the feel of the grip in her hand, thanks to Finn. With determination, she pressed forward.

If she could survive fifteen years on Jakku without the Force, she could do it here. The point was to keep moving.

Back in Rey's old life, there had been awake time, and then there was nightmare time. The only thing to ever keep her sane – other than hope – was moving.

But she had an inkling that the numbness wouldn't stay just in the wrist and hand. She could already feel it fusing up her arm. And if it spread to her body… then this would be classified as a nightmare.

()()()()()

There had been a sound of an explosion inside the prison a few minutes back, catching Ren's attention. Rey's fear had heightened considerably at that moment. He tried to get through to her, but then she disappeared. Vanished. He couldn't sense her anymore. Couldn't even feel for the bond they shared.

He quickened his pace, following the direction he believed the blast had came from. To add to his unease, he hadn't run into a single person yet.

_Where was everyone?_

He stopped, hearing the thud of footsteps nearing. Frantic footsteps. He sidled to the corner, peering around. Two guards were holding a comatose Jess under the arms, her feet dragging against the floor, chin tucked against her chest.

Ren jumped out, stunning the two men with the blaster. Being unprepared, they went down easily, one of the guards landing on top of Jess in the process.

He pushed the body off and rolled the woman over. "Jess." He tapped her cheek to get a response, saw her pale lips and sunken eyes. The culprit? A metal shard sticking out of her midsection, blood oozing from the wound. "Jess," he whispered again, trying to wake her. Ren put his palm to her temple and as gently as he could, willed her wide-awake.

Jess jerked with a scream, attempting to sit up, but then gasped in pain. Ren pushed at her shoulders. "Don't move. You have shrapnel sticking out of your midsection."

Jess looked at him as if he were speaking Agarian. Or Huttesse. Both he knew, actually. "Ben?" Ren stiffened upon hearing his birth name come out of her mouth. She was surprised too, but collected herself quickly. "What are you doing here?"

He averted her confused eyes and went to check her abdominal injury. "I was getting bored watching over the Falcon."

Touching the skin around the fragment gently, Jess hissed. The wound went deep, imbedding into her small intestines but missing the colon. It was right next to the left common iliac artery, though. Nick that and bleeding would get out of hand.

"What's with the helmet?" she asked on a deep exhale.

"I didn't want my face on a recording." He rested his hands on his thighs, gazing at the sweaty skin of her face. _She'll be going into shock soon_. "Where's Rey?"

"I don't know. They blew the door open to the control room and that's the last thing I remember." Jess took in an unsteady breath. "But I think I can find my way back there."

"Where are the guards?"

"Rey shut down all the cell shields once she saw that Poe and Finn were found out. They're all probably dealing with the prisoners below."

He nodded, then pointed to the metal piece. "I need to take this out in order to heal you."

"I'll be fine," she groaned as she tried to sit up on her elbows.

Ren nearly yelled at her not to move, but instead stopped her with another firm hand to the shoulder. "I really hope that was a joke."

Jess tried to undo his grip. He didn't budge. "I don't need your help," she said through gritted teeth.

"You don't get a choice in the matter."

"But–" Ren wrenched the metal piece from her gut, causing her to cry out. Jess bit down on her lip, breathing heavily, eyes creased closed. He watched her for a moment, impressed she didn't black out from that. "A warning would have been nice," she snarled.

"I don't have time to debate with you." The bleeding was now worse than before. "Stay still for this next part. Or do you want to bleed to death?"

Jess looked up at the ceiling, and he saw the fight go out of her.

Ren ungloved his right hand and placed it carefully on her exposed, sliced open skin. The healing only took a few moments, and by the time it was done, Jess was breathing normally. More color was now in her cheeks and lips, thanks to him vamping up her red blood cell count and blood volume.

"Better?" he asked.

She lifted her head, hand gliding over the now smooth skin. "The area is really itchy."

"That's normal."

Jess stopped moving. Lids popping wide, looking at what was tucked in his belt. "Is that – Is that a hand?"

He covered the evidence with the flap of his jacket. "The corridors are no longer access key compliant. And I can't unlock them with the Force." Jess was slightly horrified. And disgusted. Looking as if she wanted to back away from him. "Don't worry. The man is still alive."

That eased her only minutely.

"Sans hand," she muttered, gulping down what was probably vomit. Tucking her legs beneath, Jess went to stand. Ren tried to help her by holding onto her elbow. She rolled her arm out of his grip. "I can get up on my own." And indeed, she did. Albeit a little unsteadedly.

"You can ask for help, you know," Ren said, even though she was now obviously uncomfortable being in his presence. He was too, but for different reasons.

Or maybe the same.

She cocked a brow as she stripped off the armored suit. "Is that a motto you go by?"

He stared at her flatly. "Let me correct myself: You can ask for _my_ help."

Now in her dark shirt and trousers, Jess retrieved a blaster rifle from one of the unconscious men and walked past him. He caught up and stayed next to her. "I'm already indebted to you enough. Now put this on top of it–"

"You owe me nothing."

She gave him a side-glance. "You know I do."

"No, you don't," he insisted. "I alleviate you of your debt. There. Done."

Not like she had any, though.

Jess shook her head. "That's not how it works."

They came to a closed corridor. She looked at him impatiently. He got out the severed hand. "It works however you want it to work." The door opened. They walked on through. "Don't get caught up in the misconception that humanity goes by a certain set of rules."

She stopped. Looked at the blacked out visor from her inferior height. "Of course it does. If it didn't, than there would be more evil people in this galaxy. And right now, we have plenty."

The slight at him couldn't be more obvious. "Do I disappoint you?"

"Yes. You're a monster."

"Monster is a relative term," he countered. "To a canary, a loth-cat is a monster. But people view that as a part of nature. Not an act of evil."

"You're a monster because you kill people not out of survival, but for personal gain or vengeance." They stood there, staring at each other. Jess's face was icy.

She broke the eye contact and resumed her pace.

Usually, he wouldn't stand to be talked to that way, but he had no motivation to fight with her.

Ren slowed his steps to put some distance between them. He wasn't surprised by her candor, but her response stung. More than he wanted to admit. Being a disappointment was nothing new. And yet, he didn't want Jess to view him in such a way.

Would his life always be based on such a malicious and unforgiving scale of balances?

It was becoming more difficult to look Jess in the eye, for he had looked into them before, long ago… behind metal bars… in a decrepit cave… from the visage of the man he used to be.

He thought of the hand wave she gave him as he left that massacre…. Her grateful stare.

Jess and Ren heard commotion up ahead. Slowly, they inched to the corner of the hallway. Jess peered around the bend, gasped, then sprinted away. Ren called out and followed her.

Down the hall was Rey, fighting two guards with nothing but her bare hands and wit. Something was wrong with her left arm, though. Like it was almost useless, being flung around like an after thought, no real control.

One of them came up behind her, wrapping their arms around her torso and lifting her off the ground. Jess took out the other guard with the blaster, but couldn't get a clear shot on the one holding Rey.

Lifting her legs up, she pushed against the wall, taking her and the guard to the floor. She kneed him, reached for a blaster pistol, and put him out of action.

It all happened within seconds, Rey's precision getting the job done quick. Ren knelt down beside her, touching her flushed face. She was confused at the helmet, but then realized who was behind it. Her eyes widened. "Why are you here?"

Jess, keeping watch, said, "Apparently, he got bored waiting on the Falcon."

"I was concerned about you when the prison alarms went off." He reached for her left wrist. "Your arm–"

She pulled it away quickly. "Don't touch it. One of those animals slobbered all over it and now I can't feel anything. And the effects are starting to spread." He helped her up, noticing how she winced when putting pressure on her ankle. "I think it's somehow blocking me from using the Force."

He gave her a concerned look before kneeling down and healing her. By doing so, he sensed her concussion.

"You got away from one of those things?" Jess asked in awe. Ren stood, touching her head to restore her full mental capabilities.

"No." She motioned behind her. "I killed it back in the control room."

"Is that near here?" he asked.

Rey nodded. She led them through the corridors, retracing her route. Ren stepped over chunks of durasteel rubble as he followed her into a disheveled control room. The beast was lying dead in the corner, a pool of blood beneath its snout. He approached it, examining its horned head and thick spiked hide.

His heart dropped. He recognized the animal.

"Gods." Jess covered her nose. "That thing smells horrible." Indeed it did, but Ren didn't show any sign of noticing.

Rey came up next to him. "Do you know what it is?"

"It's a Zakkeg," he explained, eyes still studying the mystical creature. He's only ever seen one in illustrations. They looked worse up close. "Usually a solitary creature, but can be trained for combat. Their hides are impermeable to lightsabers and they are immune to most Force techniques." Jess went around to get a better look. "Your guess about the saliva is correct. It's a numbing and paralytic agent, and suppresses your connection to the Force." Ren stood, eyeing Rey's arm. "Would explain why I can't sense you."

Fear shined behind those hazel eyes. "Is it fatal?"

"No. But…" he paused. "Your whole body will be paralyzed soon."

Rey took a deep breath and blew it out all at once. "And I'll be useless."

She shivered.

Ren took off his jacket and covered her, offering her not just warmth, but a barrier from getting anyone else infected with any remnants of the beasts saliva. He'll just have to remember to wash his jacket vigorously after they get out of this. "We need to get to the north tower."

Jess stepped closer to the duo, alarmed. "What about Poe and Finn?"

"They have Casterfo?"

"Yeah."

"Then there's nothing to do other than getting out of here." Jess didn't seem to agree. She turned her frustrated stare to the console. "The tower is where they will be heading. The guards we've stunned won't be unconscious forever. And–"

"That's them!" Jess exclaimed, pointing at one of the working monitors. They went to the console, seeing the three men in an elevator.

"Where is this?" he asked Jess.

"Section three, eastern block of–." The monitor went black.

Jess swapped the feed to another part of the prison. "The monitor still works. They must've turned off the lifts."

"Lets go get them," Rey said. Jess was eager to get out of the room, but Ren noticed that Rey had stopped. He turned back to her. Her eyes were on his belt.

She pegged him with a heated gaze. "You didn't."

"I couldn't carry a body around. This was more practical."

She walked up to him. "You know cutting off someone's hand is wrong, right?"

"It was necessary."

"Your sadism tends to blur the lines of necessity," Rey bit back. He didn't respond, just dropped his covered head and looked down at the floor. When he raised it, Rey was already out the door. Ren waited, wanting there to be a long gap between him and the two women.

First there had been the hostility from Jess. Now, the anger from Rey.

All stemming, yet again, from his disappointing actions.


	59. Prison Break Part Two

The rules inside the duracrete, metal walls were very different from the ones in the 'free galaxy'. Luckily, Finn had grown up in an atmosphere that was similar, allowing him to not feel too out of place among the guards and officers. He walked like he belonged, nodded to them as if they were familiar.

Six stories down, every entrance required a palm scan for entry. Jess opened all of them manually as Poe hovered his palm just above the scanner.

As they got closer to the cellblock, two of the officers took notice, both wearing matching black uniforms, no helmet – different from the tactical ones Finn and Poe were wearing. "What are you guys doing down here?" the blonde haired, taller one asked. "You should be on the top level or checking the prisons perimeter."

"Med bay found something unusual in inmate 46-58B's blood work," Poe explained coolly. "And with his execution coming up, they want to make sure the injection doesn't have adverse effects. Last thing anyone would want is another lawsuit."

Poe had definitely done his research.

The guard shook his head. "That lawsuit was ludicrous. Alleging torture and human medical experimentation was a stretch."

"Well," the shorter one said, "it did take the guy forty five minutes to die. Not exactly an ideal outcome. They really should be more thorough–"

The officer put a hand on the man's shoulder, quieting him. "We can all agree that they should make a better method, yes. We don't have to talk about this again." The officer eyed Finn and Poe before making a decision. "Take them to 46-58B's cell. These two probably don't know their way around down here."

Poe nodded. "Thanks, man. We're kinda new here."

They followed their newly acquired escort into the cell block. The cells stretched on both sides of the great room, the most vicious of criminals locked down there, pending their executions.

They passed dozens of the small compartments, some prisoners sleeping, others rising and watching them as they moved along.

The officer suddenly stopped. "Wake up, 46-58B. Looks like you have some things to smooth over before your execution."

The prisoner rose out of the bed, his height being the first thing Finn noticed. Then the hard stare of a man who hadn't seen the light of day in over six years.

But Casterfo said nothing. Just moved his lanky body to the barrier, waiting for it to disappear. Once it did, the guard cuffed him and handed him over to Poe and Finn. "Watch out for this one. He knows how to fight. Even with all the lessons we give him, he still makes things hard on us."

Finn interpreted 'lessons' to mean beatings.

The officer pointed further down the cellblock. "If you go through that corridor, the lift down the hall will take you right outside the med bay."

Finn nodded his thanks and then the man walked away, leaving them alone.

They grabbed either side of Casterfo's arms and escorted him in the direction they'd been told to go. "You want to get out of here?" Poe whispered closely to the man.

Casterfo looked at him in confusion. "You trying to tell a joke?"

"We need you to do everything we say. General Leia Organa sent us here to rescue you."

Casterfo stopped, but they pulled him right along. "Act like everything is normal. We don't want unwanted attention."

Finn eyed the security up top, looking down at them through tempered glass.

"Leia... Leia really sent you?" Casterfo whispered, barely moving his lips.

"She did."

"Is the Resistance really gone?"

Guess they still got the news sixty feet below ground.

"Hey!"

All three of them spun around to see a group of guards rushing toward them. "I commed the med bay. They haven't even checked Casterfo's blood yet." Both Finn and Poe stood frozen. "What are your names?"

"Uh… Finn and Poe."

"Those don't match up with the credential patches on your uniforms."

"Well… you see…"

The group raised their rifles. "Step away from the prisoner and put your hands in the air."

Finn palmed the blaster at his side, knowing that the likelihood of not making it out of there alive was now very high.

But then, the humming noise he never really noticed was there suddenly disappeared.

The cell shields had been deactivated.

Prisoners stormed the area, going for the officers and unfortunately, Finn and Poe as well.

Finn was on the ground, a rabid looking Togruta on top of him, trying to pry the blaster from his hands. Casterfo kicked the humanoid off of him, dazing the prisoner. Little by little, the three men fought their way to the exit, taking hit after hit to get there. Stunning as many as they could so they could get through.

Once they did, they soon realized they had an officer on their tail.

The walls and corridors began to blur as they raced through, swerving frantically to make each turn. Poe stumbled, dropping the pistol and clutching at his hip. Finn caught him, swinging Poe's arm over his shoulders for added support.

Casterfo picked up the fallen weapon in his cuffed hands, firing and handling the thing like he hadn't been stuck in prison for the last six years. He knocked out the officer with a precise hit.

They ran to the elevator at the end of the hallway, but realized they had no way of getting in. Before anything could be said, Casterfo ran back to the unconscious man and started dragging him to the lift. Finn went to help. They stretched the arm up, placing the palm on the scanner. As the doors opened, growls came from behind. Big, beast-like creatures were watching them, their spiked hides making them look like something out of hell.

The animals rushed.

They piled into the elevator, dragging the officer with them as Finn hurried to the panel, closing the doors before the creatures could get inside. They heard the booms of the animal's impact. Then, quiet.

Finn's hope rose with the elevator... until it abruptly stopped, going dark.

He frantically felt for the panel through the blackness, pressing all the buttons. "They turned off the lifts," Finn muttered.

"Can you feel for a latch on the ceiling?" Poe asked Casterfo since he was substantially taller than the two of them.

Ransolm's hands glided over the upper section. "I don't feel anything."

Finn took off the helmet, wiping at his perspired skin. He voiced another option. "We could try opening the panel and wiring it so the doors at least open."

Poe started to hit the panel with the butt of the pistol. Finn stood off to the back, sweat pulling into his eyes. He started to take off the layering of armor as he counted every hit Poe landed.

It shouldn't have been taking this long.

"It's not budging," Poe said, breathing hard. "It must be reinforced."

The three men stood in the thick darkness, their inhales and exhales the only sound to be heard. Finn didn't know what else to do, and neither did the two other men.

Without warning, something heavy hit the top of the lift, vibrating the walls. Finn braced for an attack. Heat started to resonate from above, the ceiling gradually beginning to glow red, lighting up the small space. A blue plasma blade lanced through the durasteel, making the men push themselves against the walls. Meticulously, the blade made a circle, the heavy chunk of metal dropping loudly to the floor.

They gathered to the middle, looking up.

The dim light from the lift shaft casted off enough brightness for them to see Ren crouching next to the opening, a guards helmet covering his face.

"Found yourself a new mask," Poe observed.

"It's not as good as my other one."

"I'm sure," Finn chided.

Ren cocked his head to Finn. "Would you rather make small talk, or get out of here?"

"Casterfo first," Poe demanded. Ren didn't move. "I wouldn't put it past you to leave him behind."

"Neither would I," Ren agreed.

Casterfo put his bound hands up in confusion, glancing at each one of them. "Aren't you all here to get me out of prison? Why would he"–Casterfo pointed up–"leave me behind?"

"If I told you, you wouldn't want his help." Another second passed by. "Ren," Poe said sternly.

Ren's hesitation was obvious. But then the man waved his hand, the cuffs on Casterfo's wrists releasing and dropping to the floor. Ren reached out to him, beckoning to Casterfo. He pulled the man up and then helped with the rest of them.

In the lead, Ren climbed up the ladder, heading to the opening at the top level.

By the time Finn made it, Ren was bent over, lifting Rey off the floor. Jess helped adjust her in his arms. "I tried to keep her up, but she just collapsed," Jess explained worriedly. "She's having more trouble breathing. And she can't really talk anymore."

Rey moaned.

Finn went up to her, seeing that she could barely move. "What happened?"

"Zakegg saliva got on her arm," Ren explained. Finn assumed those were the animals that had been set loose on the cellblock. "It's a paralytic." Ren's helmet turned to Poe. "Didn't know these animals were here, did you?"

Poe shook his head as he stripped off the armor.

"Can't you just heal her?" Finn demanded.

"No. Most Force techniques don't work on Zakegg's." Gurgling came out of Rey's mouth. Jess lifted her head so she was more upright, her cheek resting against Ren's bicep. "Just focus on breathing," Ren whispered to her. "I'll get you out of here."

Ren had Finn grab the comlink out of his pocket. "Tell Threepio to bring the Falcon to the north tower."

"Threepio?" Both Casterfo and Poe said at the same time.

"BB-8 is there, too."

"You have droids in charge of a ship?" Casterfo asked, stepping closer. "They aren't pilots."

Slowly, Ren's helmet moved to where Casterfo stood. "Really? I had no idea. Maybe you should drag your observant ass back to your cell instead of taking the risk that a couple of droids will come get us."

He didn't give Ransolm the chance for a rebuttal. The little meeting broke up as Ren was the first to take the lead, walking quickly away. The rest caught up to him, Jess and Poe taking up the rear while Finn protected Rey and Ren.

Casterfo stayed in the middle.

They made it to a corridor labeled the north tower stairway. And much to Finn and Poe's surprise, Jess flattened the palm of a severed hand against the access panel. "Where the hell did you get that?!" Poe whispered harshly.

Jess looked to Ren, whose face was fortunately hidden.

"I'll make a sizeable donation to the prison so the guard can get a new hand," Ren said evenly. "It'll be better than the original."

Poe blinked, flabbergasted by Ren's response. He looked to Finn.

"At least the guard's still alive?" Finn shrugged as he tried to point out the positive.

No one said a word as they rushed up the flight of stairs.

Once at the top, Jess opened the next door. Outside and on a landing platform, they were met by a handful of guards and three of those hideous animals.

The guards immediately fired, but the bolts were stopped by an invisible wall from Ren's making. Then everyone, including the animals, dropped to the ground, wailing in agony. Withering in delusional pain.

"Be careful where you step," Ren said to them as he began weaving through the bodies.

With disturbed eyes, Finn looked at the people and beasts as he passed and stepped over them. He almost fell from someone's flailing legs. Almost stepped on an animals tail. Almost demanded that Ren stop whatever he was inflicting onto these beings.

The Falcon flew above them and then hovered at the edge, ramp down and ready. They all bolted to their safe haven. Finn could still hear the screams being carried on the breeze as he ran to the freighter, only finding relief after the boarding ramp closed.

Poe and Jess went for the cockpit while everyone else congregated in the main hold.

Except Finn. He lingered behind for a moment, catching his breath, wondering where he drew the line with personal code of ethics.

But at the end of the day, he was still alive. They all were, thanks to Ren's methods.

()()()()()

Ren placed Rey in the medical alcove, taking off the helmet, whispering to her that she was going to be alright. She couldn't form any expressions. All she could do was blink and stare.

Finn came up behind him, trying to get a look at his friend. "She's fine," Ren said in an effort to make the man go away.

"Does she need anything?"

"All we can do is wait."

"Finn, can you grab me a medkit and bring it over?" Jess asked, her and Poe walking to some crates. He sat on one of them as she got ready to examine his hip wound. The trooper gave Rey a quick smile before rushing off to be useful.

"Thank the maker you all made it!" Threepio exclaimed as he entered.

Casterfo looked at the protocol droid in shock. "Threepio? It's really you?"

"Master Casterfo!" The droid excitedly addressed him. "You look better than expected. And I'm sure ecstatic that you don't have to face your own execution. Dismal fate, you were given. The general was quite adamant on rescuing you."

"When can I speak to Leia?" Casterfo asked, glancing around once he saw that Threepio didn't have the answer.

"We aren't sure where she is after the attack on the base," Poe said, now shirtless and having Jess bandage him.

"She's on Takodana." Ren cut in, surprising the others. Standing, he leaned against the alcove, angled in a way so he could see Rey from his periphery. "I spoke to Skywalker before leaving to rescue all of you."

Poe rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't say rescue. We were doing fine." He gave out a hiss as Jess applied another layer of bacta patches.

"Uh huh," Ren said smugly. "You and I must have different definitions of fine."

"Is Leia okay?" Casterfo asked with concern.

Ren pinched the bridge of his nose, trying not to show his annoyance every time Casterfo spoke. "She's alive. Skywalker had to take–"

"Did you study under Luke Skywalker?" Casterfo queried, the interruption causing Ren's blood pressure to rise. "I saw what you did with the Force back there. You know him personally?"

…"Yes."

This confused the man. "But…. I thought everyone was killed at his academy."

"They were."

Seeing that Ren was getting closer to losing self-control, Finn spoke up. "How's Rey?" He handed a bacta patch to Jess, glancing between him and Casterfo.

"The paralytic is in full force," Ren said, glancing at her still form. "But her breathing is more under control."

"When should it wear off?"

"If I remember correctly, in about four hours. But I haven't read about Zakeggs in a long–"

Casterfo stepped forward. "I apologize for interrupting again–"

"Oh, do you?" Ren snapped at him. "You must have forgotten what manners were while in prison. Or maybe you just never had them at all."

Casterfo clapped his mouth shut, shocked by Ren's insolence. But that didn't stop him from commenting on how familiar he looked.

Ren crossed his arms. "We've never met."

"Why, he's the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo," Threepio enthusiastically explained. "You are probably recognizing the family resemblance. His facial features are a good mixture of his parents genetics."

Silence.

Followed by more silence.

No one moved.

Casterfo couldn't stop staring at Ren. Ren couldn't stop staring at Threepio, imagining all the ways he could tear the droid apart and make it look like an accident.

Casterfo cleared his throat. "I was shocked to learn that Leia's son was Kylo Ren."

"As was the rest of the galaxy," Jess mumbled. Poe shushed her.

"I've heard of some of the things you've done. Even down in that pit, news still has a way of reaching us." Casterfo shook his head in disapproval. Not that Ren gave two shits what this man thought of him. "How could you go and join the First Order? Betraying your own mother and everything she has stood for?"

Ren's eyes narrowed. "You talk as if you care about her. Interesting, since you're the one who ousted her to the senate. Ruining her career. Making it harder for her to form the Resistance."

Casterfo's nostrils flared. "I was manipulated into doing that."

Ren laughed, a short, bitter sound. "Then you're as gullible as you are daft. Especially for ever trusting Carise Sindian."

Brows lifting, Castero said, "You know Carise? Where is she?"

"Want to enact some revenge?" Ren taunted. While Casterfo didn't outright say anything, the hate in those eyes said enough. "You'll have to get in line," he warned dangerously.

"And you all trust this man?" Casertfo questioned the rest of them. "After he cut off someone's hand and tortured those people on the tarmac?"

"Trust?" Ren felt like he was on fire. He squeezed his crossed arms tighter, like it was a straitjacket that could keep him from killing this man. "I don't recall trust being an issue as I helped you to freedom," he growled.

"Against your will."

"I still did it."

"Trust will always be an issue when it comes to him," Finn interjected. "You can't convince us of that since we already know it. But his allegiance is… in the right place." Finn glanced to Rey, Casterfo following his line of sight. "Look, the only way we got you out of that place was because Ren came to help."

Casterfo licked his lips, taking a breath. Then looked back at Ren. "And I thank you for–"

"I don't want your thanks." Such a thing from Casterfo disgusted him. "I went there to save all of _them_. You just so happened to be there." Ren turned, unlocking his arms and scooping up Rey. "I'm going to have her rest in one of the rooms," he said to no one in particular as he walked to the living quarters, all eyes watching him go.

Poe went after him, against Jess's orders.

_What would it take to be left alone on this ship?_

"You coming to tell me more about what I'm feeling?" Ren asked, calling back to the conversation before they left for Riosa.

He gently placed Rey on the soft bed, straightening out her limbs.

"No." Poe answered. "You know what I said was true."

Ren faced a shirtless and wearied looking Poe. "Perhaps. The New Republic is still an inept form of government, though."

"The senators were. The concept of a Republic is what's best for the galaxy."

"But people will always run the government."

"A dictator is a person, too. And if that much power isn't divided, then it will corrupt them completely." Poe shook his head. Rubbed his face. Let out a shaky breath. "I didn't come in here to argue over politics. I'm letting you know I'm gonna have Ransolm stay in the medical alcove."

Ren let the quiet stretch for a bit before saying, "Okay."

Poe eyed him. "I'm telling you this so you can avoid him. Not go start something. Like murder, for instance."

"I got it."

"Do you?"

Ren rolled his eyes so hard, he practically saw his brain. "You know, on second thought, I think I'll wait till you fall asleep and quietly go kill the man."

"That's sarcasm."

"Sort of."

Poe gazed at the floor between them, his shoulders relaxing. "Look, I'm sorry you had to deal with him. I know you didn't want to. But thank you for coming to get us."

Ren's face softened. "You're welcome."

"And about the hand… You can't just go doing stuff like that." Ren opened his mouth to argue, but Poe talked over him. "I understand why you did it. And from an outside perspective, it was logical to do. Just… put more thought behind your actions next time."

Ren nodded.

"If you need any help with Rey, I'll be in the cockpit," Poe offered.

"You want me to take a look at your hip?" Ren said abruptly.

"Oh. Uhhhh…" Poe looked down at the bacta patches. "Nah. It isn't too bad. Jess did a good job patching it up. Thanks, though." He gave Ren a small grin and left.

Ren looked at the closed door, feeling… strange. Being sincerely thanked was still a new thing to him. It was nice, though, to be appreciated by someone he was coming to respect.

Ren pivoted and went to the bed. Crouching next to Rey, he stroked her cheek, felt her silky skin. Studied her hazel eyes. It calmed him, being silently in her presence. Calmed him more than taking his anger out on inanimate objects. Or people.

It was a long time before he finally spoke. He started off explaining his encounter with Kayani. Partway through, he realized he probably should have waited to tell her until after Rey was able to react to what he was saying. It was almost impossible to gage what she was thinking.

"Don't go seeking her out, okay? She isn't telling us everything and don't go believing her when she says Snoke's fate lies solely with you. We'll figure out another way to solve that problem. I know you don't trust her either, but I'm afraid she'll entice you with a way of getting rid of him. So however you're blocking her, just keep doing it. I'd rather she didn't see everything that's going on in your life." He paused. "In _our_ life," he emphasized.

Ren eyed her body, not in a wanting way, but to see if there were any injuries he missed. He didn't see any. Crossing her arms on her stomach, he went back to sitting beside the bed, wondering what she was thinking.

"You're disappointed in me for what I did back at the prison. I know. But I had to get to you. The access chips weren't working and–." He stopped with the excuses, clenching his jaw. "I had to get to you. You have to know I will do whatever it takes to always get to you. But I know what you're going to say to that: Don't turn to violence as a solution." He rubbed his neck. "Can we just consider how taking that guard's hand and leaving him alive was a vast improvement on my part?" Rey remained motionless. "No one seems to point that out," Ren mumbled.

He sat on his rear, bending his legs against his chest.

He looked into Rey's blank stare as he rested his chin on his knees, trying to read her expressionless face. "I don't want Casterfo on this ship," he confessed, chewing at his lip. "It's just a reminder of what happened six years ago. And I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember anything." Looking down at the sheets, he continued in a more solemn tone. "Sometimes, I think living with the memories is possible. It's felt like that lately. But right now… it's almost hard to breathe. It's like I'm back in that cave. Or the diner. And then from there, I think of all the things that came after. The torture I endured under Snoke. The people I've killed without question." He paused. "Han." His eyes found hers. "Can I truly live with what I've done? I keep going back and forth with the answer."

Rey stared at him.

"And then there's the other part of me," he whispered. "The one that misses having that power and authority. I crave that still, even though I know it's not right." He dug his fingers into his hair, needing the pain, needing to hide from the shame. "Going to Snoke was what ruined my life. But you're right: I'm addicted to being malicious." Perhaps he truly didn't deserve happiness, since he occasionally yearned for the sins that got him where he was.

At times, he felt as if he were two sides of the same credit. Sensitive, yet brutal. Caring, yet monstrous. Bewildering, yet transparent. And in the end, even content, he was broken.

"What if I can't live with both the darkness and the light?" he mused for the thousandth time.

He received no answer.

Wiping at his face, he breathed into his palms, feeling the slow beginnings of fatigue. But he kept talking. "I don't like playing the victim to circumstances I've created." He lowered his hands. "But… wouldn't you think that some blame falls on Casterfo for what he did?" Rey's gaze didn't leave his. Ren moaned, irritated at the situation. "I wish you could talk to me. Even if it is to tell me how childish I'm being. I like being able to feel you through the Force. Knowing you're always there. It's weird to be this cut off from you right now. And if I'm struggling, I can't imagine how frustrated you are. Trapped in your immobile body." Rey blinked rapidly. "Yeah, I thought so. Only a few more hours left of this, though." He climbed over Rey and relaxed, holding her in a position he hoped would be comfortable to her.

"Only a few more hours," he whispered. Her eyes closed as he traced over her soft features with his fingertips.

Soon, the temptation of sleep claimed him as well.

()()()()()

Leia stood at the edge of the lake, the afternoon sun almost blinding with how it reflected off the water. The air was warm, a faint breeze playing with her loose hair and baggy clothes. The grey mechanic jumpsuit Maz lent her was thicker than the usual material she wore, but was still breathable in the heat.

She took a deep breath. It was so calm here. So calm when the galaxy was in such a state of extreme unrest. So tranquil, considering what she'd gone through not too long ago.

The Resistance was in shambles.

The hope of getting it back together looked grim.

Leia hated this part. The after effects of taking a massive hit. Losing a battle to the enemy. Optimism seeming more and more like a naïve practice.

This was the only thing that had been on her mind since waking this morning. But no need to think about that at the moment. Right now, Leia just wanted to breathe. When was the last time she'd been able to do that? When she was eight?

But moments were just that. Moments.

She glanced down at the worn datapad, hoping to see a new message.

Nothing.

Not many people had sent her information on their whereabouts, most choosing to lay low for a bit. Trend among them. The Resistance fleet was hiding somewhere near the galaxy's edge – which Leia actually thought was the right move for now.

On top of that, she couldn't stop thinking of what she found when she logged into her personal account this morning. The alert that one of her messages had been seen, the one she sent six years ago to her son.

She heard footsteps approaching, sensing she was no longer alone. "The Falcon is right outside the atmosphere."

Leia whipped around. "They were successful?"

Luke nodded as he took off his brown cloak. She was surprised he'd worn it at all with how warm a day it was. "Ransolm is eager to see you."

"Anybody hurt?"

"Nothing too serious or long lasting. And so far, there have been no reports of deaths at the prison."

She closed her eyes for a moment, smiling. "Good."

"Poe never should've gone through with that mission."

Leia exhaled, looking at her disapproving brother. "We've already talked about this. He never actually got an order from me saying not to do it."

"Because you were unconscious. He shouldn't have endangered–"

"I don't want to beat a dead bantha, Luke. What's done is done. I'm not going to punish Commander Dameron."

The twins went quiet.

Luke scanned the waterfront. "Ben and Ransolm shouldn't be on the same ship together."

Leia mirrored his stance without noticing. "They shouldn't be within five feet of each other, if we're to be honest."

Hearing the far off sounds of a ship, she turned, seeing the Falcon in the distance.

Both walking back to Maz's crumbled castle remains, Luke asked, "What are you going to do with Rey?"

Leia sidestepped a chunk of duracrete. "I'm not going to arrest her, if that's what you mean."

"Vassena will still want to."

"Good thing she isn't here." She glanced sideways at her brother. "What about you? Do you have any course of action you want to take with Rey?"

"I want to talk with her and then decide."

They made it to where the Falcon was landing, Leia eagerly awaiting for a reunion with her dear friend.

The ramp lowered, the first one off being Ransolm. He stopped when they made eye contact, his mouth agape at seeing her.

Both closing the distance between each other, they embraced, his tall frame towering over her small, aged body. She looked up, beaming. Those young features that made him so handsome were now weathered. Dark circles took up residence under his eyes. Cheeks hollow. Skin thin. But his hair was still that rich mixture of blonde and copper tones. And like before, it was long, softly curled, and covering his fanned ears.

Ben preferred to wear his hair the same.

Leia touched her friend's cheek. "I'm sorry I couldn't help you sooner."

He shook his head. "We both know there was nothing you could've done. The evidence was overwhelmingly against me. But breaking me out of prison, Leia…" he said cheekily. "Seems like something you would set into motion."

Leia laughed lightly, then glanced to the Falcon. Her son was holding up a very weak looking Rey, helping her to walk down the ramp. They looked at one another for a short moment before Ben glanced away. He started heading toward the entrance to Maz's basement.

"I'm sorry, but I need to talk to Ben."

Ransolm's face grew hard, and he opened his mouth as if to say something. But like the senator he used to be, he recovered an inviting face quickly.

Ransolm bowed his head. "Of course." He gazed around, breathing in deep. "It's been years since I've been outside. I think I'll go for a walk, so take your time."

Luke came up to introduce himself, and the two men started to talk as Leia went in the direction of her son.

"Ben," she called out. He stopped before hitting the steps. "Can I speak with you?"

"Rey is still weak and I should–"

"Finn can help me the rest of the way," Rey interjected, glancing over at her friend. Ben seemed annoyed to let her go, watching Finn bare most of her weight down the steps and through the basement corridor.

It took him a while to lift his gaze to Leia's.

"I know you didn't want to, but thank you for helping to retrieve Ransolm."

Ren gave a curt nod.

"I'm glad you were able to find Rey."

"Me too."

"How is she doing?"

"Better." And then he went silent. Ben could carry on like this forever: not talking. Looking off to the side. It had been like this constantly while raising him. Like she was speaking to someone who never answered back.

Quiet Ben.

She hated it. Didn't know how to get through–

"Is Ematt still alive?" he suddenly asked.

She cleared her airway. "He was able to get off the base with some of the medical personnel. He's with the Resistance fleet now."

"Good," he nodded. "If he died, Rey would view it as her fault."

"I heard she found her grandmother. What's she like?"

Ren did this slow shrug, as if he wasn't sure what to say. "She's… interesting. But her and Rey have taken to each other really well."

"Is she learning more about her family?"

He rubbed his lips together as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Somewhat. What are you going to do about the Resistance?" 

"Rebuild," she said on an exhale. "Call upon the few allies we have left."

"The First Order has the Core Worlds now."

"The Empire had the whole galaxy. I've faced worse odds."

Ben blinked. "You'll never stop fighting, will you?"

"Not in my nature."

He glanced down, a faint hint of a smile on his lips.

Finally, she couldn't keep what she wanted to talk about inside anymore. "I know you've seen my message," Leia blurted out. Ben didn't speak. His eyes remained downcast, his frame as still as the thick, tall trees. "Do you have anything to say about it?" she pushed.

Nothing.

"You must have thoughts about what I said." She got close to him. Even grabbed his arm. His gaze went to her grip, but he didn't move her away. "Talk to me. Or yell at me. Or tell me how much of a disappointment I am. Just say something about it."

"I miss who I used to be," Ben whispered, head still down.

Leia's heart thundered against her rib cage.

She got into his line of sight, which wasn't difficult considering their height difference. "I miss him, too."

Soft was his expression as his eyes roamed over her face, like he was memorizing every wrinkle. Every sunspot. "The truth is…" he breathed, "I always had moments when I would think of ways to get out. Killing and torturing people was what I'd fall back on. But it had started to mess with my perception the longer it continued. And now the damage is permanent."

What to say to that? She needed to say the right things so he didn't shut her out.

When the occasion called for it, her son was always a professional at ignoring things. Feelings. Problems. People. But as Leia watched him, it was like she could see her son slowly emerging from the self-oppression he preferred to hide behind.

But this was what happened last time they talked, when he told her he didn't want her to be his mother. Whenever she thought a breakthrough was coming and he would trust her with his vulnerability, the shutters came down. His emotions walled off behind a mask of indifference.

He never knew another way.

But… has he finally learned not to hide?

"There is always time for healing," she commented.

Ben ran both hands through his hair, putting some distance between them. "Maybe," he said wearily.

"What made you watch the recording?"

For a moment he seemed to fade, to draw in on himself. "I thought you were dead. I panicked. Then I thought about that vid… What if that was all I had left of you? Just recordings? I don't have anything of…"

Ben didn't need to finish the sentence. She knew of whom he was alluding to.

Leia proceeded cautiously. "I made many mistakes throughout my life, Ben. But the worst one was not being honest with you. I foolishly believed that secrets were better than love, because it seemed to keep people together."

"A short term solution to cover up years of deception."

"It is."

He shuffled his boot against the dirt. Leia waited, like she expected him to say something. It looked as if he wanted to say something.

"Finding out about Vader…" he spoke slowly. "I admit, I only thought of myself. I never stopped to wonder just how affected you were by it." He looked at her. "How affected you were when I joined the First Order."

Leia swallowed. Could hear the rush of blood in her ears. "When I found out… Not even your father could console me," she said mournfully. Eyes glistening, she clutched her chest. "You don't know what it feels like to lose a child, and in truth, that's what it felt like when you joined the First Order and became…" Leia's voice teetered, not wanting to utter that name out loud. "To me, it was like you died. And if you were to ask any parent if they would die in the place of their daughter or son, I guarantee you that answer would be yes. Do you know why?" Ben just stared at her. "It's not only because of honor, or duty, or parental responsibility. It's because it's also easier. It's easier to die than to know you failed them."

For Leia always felt like a failure when it came to Ben.

"You should whole-heartedly despise me," he admitted. "It would be easier that way."

"Easier is not always right."

"Right…" Ren muttered, shaking his head. He steeled himself, bracing for what he was about to say. "You remember… when I was a child and I would cry to you that I wished I was different?" Leia nodded. "I still feel that way. Why was I born to the family I was? Why did I have to struggle with morals and social acceptance when all of that came so _easily_ to other children?" he asked passionately. Closing his eyes, he calmed. Then looked to the forest. "I'm so exhausted from constantly being pulled in different directions."

"I think you've been put in these situations not because the universe is out to get you, but because it wants to give you the chance to choose right."

"I have a hard time knowing what right is anymore."

"Maybe having something constant in your life and then starting from there can help your judgment. Like Rey."

Still looking anywhere but at her, he rubbed at his mouth. A strong wind swept past them, brushing his hair to the side. Ben didn't notice as he struggled to speak. "In the vid when you said you would love me forever… was that true?" 

She reached up, fixing his hair quickly. Ben didn't react to her touch. "Every word in that recording was the absolute truth."

Pause.

"Ben," she whispered, his stare joining hers. "Do you love me?"

Leia held her breath. Hoping.

And then… he nodded.

Unexpectedly, a sob escaped his lips, loud from being repressed for so long. It startled Leia. Ben had seemed so collected. So even. But his emotions finally became too pressurized to hide anymore.

He went to cover his eyes with his hand, face contorting, lungs struggling to breath. He fought the show of emotion, his neck straining against the effort.

Leia tried to pull his hand away from his face. "Ben, look at me." He shook his head, brushing her off. "Don't hide yourself from me. There's no need to feel embarrassed."

He spoke in between the short pauses for breaths. "It's hard… to be… around you… and not… think of him." The tears finally fell from her eyes, leaving shining rivulets down her cheeks as her heart broke for him. "I always… fall apart… seeing you."

"Then every time, I'll pick you back up." She cupped his face. Ren dropped his hands, sniffling as he gazed at her, a picture of grief. Loss. Devastation. "It's about time I take care of you. Because who am I?"

He hiccuped. And then said the three words Leia has wanted him to admit for the longest time. "You're my mother."

And with that final admission from Ben, everything came together. The vein tapped. The gold slowly extracted.

Those walls, the ones that held him up, that made him invulnerable just… collapsed. Second by second, they fell in the form of the salty drops sliding over his chin and down his neck.

Leia could almost feel him as a baby in her arms again. His softness. His innocence. But he was anything but innocent anymore. He was raw, raw everything. Raw tears. Raw emotions. Raw guilt.

She wiped the moisture from his cheeks with her thumb and said with conviction, "And you'll always be my son."

Leia might not win this war. Might even lose her life in the process. But she just won another battle: she had beaten Snoke.

For her son had finally returned home.


	60. The Calm Before the Storm

Days turned into weeks, which bled into months, the horrors of what happened at the Resistance base now spreading from ear to ear. Yet, despite the simmering unrest left behind from the battles, power struggles, and fearful divides, there was a momentary calm in the galaxy.

Not peace. Just calm.

The war was at a temporary standstill. The Resistance was now scattered, and staying that way for security purposes. Because of that, everyone was split up: Finn was with the Resistance fleet, overseeing the ESC with the help of Breaala; Leia made her new headquarters on Takodana, with only a handful of people actually knowing her precise location; and Poe and Jess split their time between the two places.

Then there was Rey. She mainly stayed on Dandoran, only going back to Takodana when Ben or Luke needed to switch places every few days. The two men had agreed that one of them would guard Leia at all times, while the other stayed with Rey. The time apart was harder on Ben than it was for her, but she promised to open their connection in the evenings so they could talk. Or just to feel the others presence more strongly.

But Rey made sure not to stay connected to him while falling asleep. Ben's dreams were either full of violence, or they were fantasies about being intimate with her. Both caused unrest for different reasons.

Luke was with her this time on Dandoran, but they would soon be leaving to Takodana. Rey was excited, but also nervous. Technically, she was still lost somewhere in the galaxy. Leia had told the council she hadn't been found in order to protect her. So when she went to Maz's planet, she couldn't step foot off the ship. Leia had a few personal aids, but since Rey was wanted by Trend, they couldn't be trusted not to report anything back to her.

Casterfo had it a little better than Rey. He stayed on Takodana, walking among the others as if he were one of those aids, using a different name and identity to allow him his freedom.

Walking on the path between the meadow and Soniee's home, Rey should be more experienced with leaving her grandmother by now. But this time was difficult, like all the others. Rey would never grow tired of listening to Soniee's stories or watching the same recordings of her parents over and over and over again. To see herself when she was a baby or a toddler playing with them, being loved by them, it was the greatest gift she could have ever been given.

Soniee also enjoyed watching some of Rey's training being done right outside her home, although Rey wasn't sure how Luke felt about that. But with the truth about Rey's heritage becoming known, Luke gave into the woman, probably out of respect for his old mentor.

The evening sun was strong, shining the yellow and gold hues along the planet's surface. Even surrounded by the bright berry bushes and wide trees, Rey's feet were heavy, her demeanor disheartened.

She breathed in the calm air, smelling the mustiness of the moss.

"Your mental barrier has become incredibly stronger over a short span of time," Luke commented. "You did well this morning." The Jedi Master walked beside her, his robes lightly brushing against the lightly packed dirt.

Rey shrugged. "It's all about practice."

But that was somewhat of a lie. One night, against Ben and Luke's orders, Rey had secretly met with Kayani in her dreams. Rey made it clear she wanted nothing to do with the woman's plans and that she couldn't bring herself to trust her. That didn't seem to phase Kayani. The woman just smiled, understanding. Even apologized for wanting to let Ben die on Lothal and for telling Rey they shouldn't be together.

Now, the woman was the strongest proponent of her and Ben's relationship.

The sudden change caused Rey to be concerned. But then Kayani brought up that she could help her with her training, especially when it came to her mental capabilities.

Initially, Rey declined. But it only took one harrowing training session with Luke to push Rey into seeking out Kayani and accepting the offer. Ever since then, Rey's skill level had risen exponentially. Kayani probably thought she was using Rey, but in truth, Rey was using her.

"How am I doing compared to Ben?" Rey asked, brushing the sweat from her brow.

Luke gave her a side-glance. "This isn't a competition, Rey."

"I know…" she mumbled, feeling like it kind of was.

Beneath Luke's thick beard, there was a hint of a smile. "You're both very quick at learning. You're a natural, just like him. But… you do catch on to certain techniques faster."

Rey beamed with pride.

"Don't go challenging him to a duel, though," Luke reminded her, bringing her ego back down a notch.

Rey leapt over a log while Luke went around it. "How are you liking Dandoran?" he asked.

"It's nice having Soniee here."

"But if she wasn't here, what would you think of this planet?"

She looked at the predominant shades of green and brown, the hints of red hidden in the shrubbery. "Well… the forests are beautiful. I like the smells. But it's a bit dry." Rey rubbed her cracked hands together, being reminded of her days on Jakku. "Honestly, I sometimes miss training on Ahch–To. Things were so quiet there, and I could focus on learning while listening to the waves of the sea and smelling the saltiness of the air."

"You like the ocean," he commented.

"I do," Rey answered with a slow smile. "I've found that I much prefer being near water than being on a desert planet where the only organics to be found are those of scattered corpses."

Luke found her statement amusing. "I know what you mean." He swatted a bug away as he elaborated. "Growing up on Tatooine, my aunt and uncle would show me vids of the planet Adamastor, promising me that one day they would take me. We didn't have many credits, so it was going to take them a while to save up enough to go. I'd watch those recordings, imagining myself on those beaches, looking out at that deep, blue sea. Made me wish that I wasn't surrounded by desert."

"What happened when they took you?"

"We never went." Rey tilted her head, seeing the distance behind her master's stare. "The moisture farm was never as profitable as my uncle was hoping it would be. I did leave eventually… when there was no longer anything keeping me there."

Rey let her fingers run against the soft moss on the trees, yet her fingers came away dry. "When you met my great-grandfather," Rey stated. She knew his aunt and uncle had eventually been killed.

"Yes. He offered me an adventure and I came along for the ride." Luke stretched out his arms. "And now here I am, training his descendant some of the things he taught me."

"Do you still find it strange I'm related to Obi-Wan?" She recalled when Luke had first found out. The man had been floored, looking as if he might faint. But a few hours of being alone remedied the shock, so much so that Luke sat Rey down and told her all he knew about her relative, answering as many questions as he could.

"No." They jumped over a narrow stream. Luke readjusted his tunics, glancing at Rey with a twinkle in his eye. "Things have a way of coming full circle."

They continued down the faded path. "Did you ever go to Adamastor?"

The twinkle disappeared. "No. Seemed wrong to visit the place without them. It had been a dream for all of us to go together."

Silence ensued between the two the rest of the way to the Falcon. Not in an awkward way, but more reflective. Both were thinking of the lives they once had and the ones they currently led.

Artoo greeted them aboard the Falcon and followed as they headed to the cockpit, Rey lighting up the engines, getting comfortable in the pilot's seat.

"How's Ben doing with the constant separation from you?" Luke asked as he sat across from her.

Rey's hands paused over the console. "Why ask about him and not me?"

"I'm with you often enough to see that you remain focused, even when I can sense how much you miss him. But Ben has always struggled with patience and regulating his emotions. He can become very attached to things."

"Things…" she angled her body more towards him, "as in me." She regarded him with a pensive eye. "You think I shouldn't be with him?"

Luke shook his head while waving his hand. "That's not what I'm trying to say. You've been good for him. And you have someone devoted to you and who loves you, something you've never had. Just…" he sighed. "Be careful. Love can become distorted and morph into obsession. It destroyed my parents, in the end."

"Ben's getting better with balancing his emotions." Rey was a little too fierce in defending Ben. Luke's face soured. "What?" Rey asked. "You don't think so?"

"I do. I just find it interesting you used that word to describe him."

"Which word?"

"Balance. There was a time in my life when I thought…." Luke paused, staring out the foreport to the rich green meadow. "I was told he would bring balance to the Force."

_What?_

Rey was floored for a moment. "Told?" she asked, leaning over the armrest slightly. "Who told you that?"

"Obi-Wan and my father, when I was once able to communicate with them." Luke returned Rey's steady gaze. "They told me that while Anakin brought temporary balance, Ben could make it everlasting."

Rey frowned. "How could he do that?"

" _That_ they never told me," he said with a tinge of frustration. "There were things they couldn't reveal. Not then, anyway. So I traveled the galaxy, going temple to temple to see if I could find anything that would hint at how something like that being possible."

"Did you find anything?"

Scratching at his beard, Luke was reflective while saying, "Clues. Suggestions. More pieces to a puzzle that had no real outline. If I never found the answers, than in the very least, I could teach Ben all I knew. Prepare him for whatever might come. But I never was able to pick up on how much the Dark side had infected him over the years. I knew he had some in him; we all do to an extent. I just thought he was going through a typical phase of adolescence." He shook his head, gazing back out to the planet. "Leia knew, though. She would argue with me how she could feel something watching her son, even when he was in the womb. Something sinister. I should have listened to her."

There was silence, except for the hum of the engines. Rey looked to the control console, seeing that the ship was ready for take off. But she wasn't going anywhere till this conversation was over. "You can't contact your father or Obi-Wan anymore?"

"No. After Ben destroyed the academy, I haven't been able to contact them."

Sheepishly, she asked, "Could I somehow contact Obi-Wan?"

"Through meditation, maybe. But it's up to them if they want to show themselves or not."

Rey's hope deflated somewhat. "Do you think they still expect Ben to somehow balance the Force?"

Luke made a pitying expression. "I hope not. I don't know what that fate would entail, which worries me. You put too much responsibility onto one person and they just might break."

"Wasn't it said that Vader would balance the Force?"

"Prophecies are always hard to interpret. But he did destroy the Sith, which was one of the criteria. The balance after killing Palpatine didn't last long, though."

It was then that Rey felt a chill.

Rey wasn't scared of much. She had grown accustomed to the fact that the Force rendered her almost invulnerable, unstoppable. She had lived through fights, fought in battles. But there was something about what Luke was saying that gave her pause. Like maybe the Force wasn't done with Ben. Maybe it never would be.

She knew what the Force wanted with her, if she were to believe what Kayani had said. But the expectations for Ben were unknown.

Rey swallowed hard. "Ben doesn't know about this, does he?"

"No. I never told him," he said quietly. "I've never told anyone."

"Why are you telling me then?"

Luke looked to her compassionately. "I want you to be aware of what you're getting yourself into by being attached to my family. It's a difficult road to walk, and everyone gets hurt along the way."

Rey considered that for a second. "But all my life I've wanted to find a purpose that seemed right and true. And I found that with you and your family."

"Purpose," he almost scoffed. "That word is almost as dangerous as prophecy."

"Isn't it healthy for an individual to be driven?"

"But driven towards what?"

Rey glanced to the corridor. Then out the foreport. Settling on a shrug. "Well, something good and fulfilling?"

"When do you know you've found something fulfilling?"

Rey didn't appreciate her answers being flipped back on her in the form of questions. "When it feels right," she concluded.

Luke nodded slowly. Knowingly. "I thought my sole purpose after the Empire fell was to restore the Jedi Order. I took guidance from my mentors during that time, listening to them when they told me how to put things back to the way it used to be. That I should take the opportunity to tutor and train my nephew for something I didn't have all the details for. But it all ended in fire and ash. I put so much of my self-worth into being a Jedi Master that I never really thought if what I was doing should be done."

Rey wasn't sure what to say. There weren't a lot of times where this legendary man had confided in her, actually spoken to her about his life.

Luke's voice went softer. "My mentors, the ones I leaned on for direction, abandoned me. And now, I don't know where to go from here."

The man sitting next her, who was always a symbol of strength and wisdom, now appeared jaded and lethargic. Unmasked and vulnerable. Rey didn't like it. He was supposed to be strong. "You told me on Ahch-To that you were thinking about changing the Jedi code. Maybe getting rid of it all together."

"I remember."

"So do it," she said earnestly. "Make the Jedi into what you feel would be right for the galaxy and right for someone that is Force sensitive. You probably understand the old Jedi's weaknesses and shortcomings better than me, so learn from that."

Luke rounded his jaw, contemplating. "It's difficult to do on my own."

"What do you think I'm here for?" Her voice almost got shrill. She calmed. "I'm going to help you."

Luke sort of smiled, a slim piece of white showing through his curled lips. Then the expression was gone. "Ben once tried to exterminate the Jedi. Probably still believes they shouldn't come back."

"I'm not Ben."

He regarded her longer than what was deemed comfortable, maybe trying to find any falsity to her claims. "No," he finally muttered. "You're certainly not."

()()()()()

In a small, musty room of Maz's decimated castle, a meeting for the Resistance was taking place. Sitting at a rusted table was General Organa, Ren, and Poe. Threepio and Casterfo were standing off to the side, both remaining out of frame. They all looked to the holoscreen, the faces of Admiral Trend and Ackbar staring back at them.

Vassena was annoyed when Ren had started joining the meetings, but she never said anything. It was written in her eyes every time he spoke, which was extremely rare. Poe was more vocal since he was now an actual member of the council. With Statura and Ematt no longer having a seat, Leia had to find people she trusted to fill the openings.

She even offered Poe a promotion to General, but he declined gracefully. In Poe's words: "I belong out in the field. Not behind the scenes."

"The Core and Inner Rim are under First Order occupation," Vassena reported. "That leaves some allies left in the Mid and Outer Rims. But the ones who donated the most to the Resistance are the worlds now controlled by the regime."

"We need to expand to planets we haven't talked to before," Ackbar offered as a solution.

Leia placed her hands on the table. "I can't imagine any of them being financially giving." Her tone of knowing cynicism did not go unnoticed.

Against his belief that staying quiet was the best policy, Ren joined the conversation. Because when people were blatantly wrong, it was hard for him to keep his mouth shut. "You won't find the credits you need in the Mid and Outer Rims." All attention went to him. "At the end of the day, the only difference between two sides of a fight isn't ideology, it's money and resources – neither of which you have."

A vein popped out of Vessena's forehead. "The Rebellion didn't have those things, and yet we still won."

"That was a one in a billion chance," Ren lectured condescendingly. "The Emperor was unwise to put the majority of his military and resources into the Death Star. The First Order doesn't make the same mistake, which is why after Starkiller imploded, they were still a formidable force. And Snoke does not have an apprentice like Vader."

"Not anymore."

His eyes narrowed. "He never let me get close to him. I never knew where he was located. All because his paranoia was sharper than Palpatine's."

Poe was rubbing his temples as he said, "So what else can we use if we don't have money to win this war?"

"Propaganda," Ackbar interjected. "We need the majority of civilians to believe we are the better choice. And for them to willingly donate their time and ships to fight with us."

They all agreed, except Ren. There was a problem with that plan as well: majority of people were afraid of the First Order. But this idea was better than begging planets for money, making them look desperate. So it might be better to subtly manipulate the galaxy's population instead.

Vassena tossed up an idea. "We can still record Ren and leak it onto the Holonet, like we previously planned."

"No." Leia immediately shot that down. "It's been an asset not having the galaxy know his face. Makes it easier for him to go out on an assignment." Vassena pursed her lips, making eye contact with Ren. He gave her a small, corner smile. "We'll use Finn instead. His story of being taken as a child and forced into fealty will be more compelling and will resonate with more people."

And that was that. No one argued with General Organa.

Leia changed the subject. "Have you found anything in the remains of the base?"

Vassena rolled her shoulders, collecting her emotions. "Not much that can be used. But we've salvaged most of the shipyard and are either fixing or repurposing the ships. Also… Statura's body was found."

Silence.

"You sure it was him?" Leia asked reverently.

Ackbar nodded. "The remains matched his DNA."

"And Harter?"

Ren tensed, readying himself to hear the worst.

"We still haven't found her."

He shut his eyes, letting out a long breath from his nose. While the news of her corpse not being found was ideal, there was still the question of where she was. The possible answers were of no comfort.

Leia gathered up her two datapads, readying to leave. "If there isn't anything else to report, than we can close this –"

"Actually, there is," Vassena interrupted, her energy reinvigorated. "Brendol Hux will be traveling to Chandrila Opera House in a few days. I can't imagine he'll bring a large amount of security with him for such an occasion. Especially since Chandrila is theirs now."

Leia raised a brow. "What are you suggesting?"

Vassena shrugged. "He is a prominent member of their council, and his son destroyed the Hosnian System. We should terminate him with the use of extreme justice."

Ren smirked. "That sure is a fancy way of saying assassinate."

"Or we could take him as a prisoner," Poe suggested. "Try to draw Hux out of his Star Destroyer stronghold."

Ren put his interlaced hands on the metallic surface, trying to sound mature and convincing instead of derisive. "I assure you, by getting rid of Brendol, you'd be doing Armitage a favor. He holds no affection toward his father."

Vassena rolled her eyes. "He must have–"

"No. This plan would fail."

Leia turned to him. "Would Brendol's knowledge of the First Order be more extensive than yours?"

"More than likely. I was never a member of the Shadow Council."

"We should grab him while we have the chance," Poe said. "Not to draw out his son, but to get information."

"And how would you get this information?" Ren asked him.

Leia was the one who answered. "By any means necessary. I'll oversee that a team is put together and prepared."

The meeting came to a close shortly after her staunch reply.

Leia leaned back once the holoscreen was off, rubbing her neck, rolling her head back and forth. "What are the chances that Brendol is actually going to Chandrila?"

Ren crossed his arms, chewing at the inside of his cheek before saying, "He loves the arts fiercely and does attend multiple performances throughout the year. The intel could be valid."

"Do you think he knows where Snoke resides?"

…."Possibly."

Leia stared at where the faces of Trend and Ackbar once were, calculating. "Commander Dameron," she gazed at Poe. "I'm giving this mission to you."

Poe straightened, looking honored and ready. "Do you want me to interrogate him as well?"

"No. That I'll leave to Ben." She eyed her son. "You're both going to Chandrila."

Lieutenant Connix entered, announcing that the Falcon was right outside Takodana's atmosphere before whispering something in Leia's ear. Ren nearly jumped from his chair, not even waiting to be excused. Not far behind was Poe.

But with only three steps into the stale hallway, Ren came to a stop. Clamming up. Hands trembling.

Chewie was walking in his direction, but the Wookie ignored him, walking right into the room he'd left his mother in.

In the air lingered the malodorous smell of Chewie's fur.

Ren put a hand out to the wall to steady himself. This wasn't their first encounter with each other. A few days after being on Takodana, he saw Chewie for the first time since… he couldn't even recall the last time he'd seen him.

All Chewie had done, as Ren stood motionless, was walk up to him, stare him in the eye for a long moment, and march away. From then on, Chewie ignored his existence. And every time Ren saw him, he remembered the Wookie's roar, the one he had billowed after Ren had murdered Han.

Ren wasn't sure which reaction made him feel worse: being outwardly threatened, or Chewie noticing his existence.

"You okay?" Poe asked from behind, actually startling Ren.

With a quaking hand, he shoved back his raven hair. "I'm fine," he croaked out before resuming his strides.

Poe walked next to him. "Are you sure you know what those two words mean?"

There was a big possibility Ren didn't.

Out into the afternoon light, Ren felt like he could breathe again. That basement was less like a meeting room, and more like a cave. A small, unforgiving cave. "You're really not going to protest against your mother ordering you to come with me?"

Searching the sky, Ren spoke honestly. "These orders I don't mind. I never particularly liked Brendol."

"You can't kill him."

Ren gave him a dry look. "I won't. I'll just make him wish he were dead. It's a faster, more efficient way to get someone to talk."

"It steps over the line of ethics, is what it does," Poe mumbled.

"Is torture beyond your principles?"

Poe rubbed at his scruffy chin. "I can knock someone around, but when it comes to the harder stuff, I don't think I could do that."

Ren's gaze went back to roaming over the skyline, his hands now in his pockets. "I think when you get the nerve, you'd be surprised at what you're capable of."

A line appeared between Poe's brows as he mulled over Ren's comment. Then he joined in staring heavenward as he cautiously said, "Soooo…. You've been sticking by the general a lot these days."

Ren sighed, looking bored. "Is there a question in there somewhere?"

"I didn't really expect you to be in her presence for more than five minutes."

"Skywalker and I switch off personally guarding her. You know that."

"I do. Just didn't think you'd actually take it seriously."

Oh, but he did take it seriously. After admitting to his mother that he cared for her, his drive to keep her safe became more of an immense responsibility than just a concern. "Who else are you going to request to come with us to Chandrila?" Ren asked, jumping topics.

"I was thinking the usual: Finn, Rey, and Jess." Poe interlaced his fingers and popped his knuckles. "Already have a plan in the works that involves those three."

Ren nodded, then squinted. A small speck showed off in the distance, moving below the clouds.

"Can I, uh… give you some advice?" Poe said in a more serious tone.

"I don't recall asking for any."

Poe squared off at him, all sense of mirth gone. "You got a good thing going here, considering you were once enemy number one."

"I thought Snoke was your number one enemy."

Poe stared at him flatly. "Enemy number two, then. Regardless, don't do anything to mess this up."

"Oh, yes," Ren said sarcastically. "I do so love being on the side of a losing cause, waiting for everything to crumble due to lack of support and resources. What a life."

"You want to bitch about how we're gonna lose, then fucking leave," Poe snapped. "I don't need you giving a monologue about it every five minutes."

Ren glanced up, seeing a more prominent outline of the Falcon. "I'm not going to leave," he professed solemnly.

"And why is that?"

Hesitating, Ren openly said, "There are people here I've come to care for."

Poe glanced to the forest, facing the light breeze, letting it sweep back his hair. He breathed in deep. "What I've been trying to say is don't take two steps forward and six steps back. You've actually been good company to be around lately. I don't want to see you go back to the person you used to be."

"Your concern is not needed."

Poe spread out his hands. "And yet here I am, giving it anyway."

Ren pinched his eyes. "Why?"

"I view you as a friend, man. Do I need to spell it out for you?"

The offer of friendship was a very kind gesture; the kind that made you blink quickly and have to take a couple of deep breathes. "I don't need–"

Poe raised a palm to stop him. "Please don't start by saying how you don't need any friends, that you're above all that. I know that's just your pride talking. Just accept it, okay? I'm not looking for a sentimental moment where we both hug and braid each other's hair. When I say I'm your friend and I got your back, all you need to say is 'okay, cool.'" Poe put on a mischievous smile. "And then maybe compliment me by saying my friendship is so important to you that you wouldn't trade it for the universe. That's it."

The sound of engines could now be heard as the Falcon started to lower on the part of the dirt designated as a landing zone. "Okay," Ren breathed out, the words sounding strange, but he said them anyway. "Cool."

Poe waited expectantly. "No compliment?"

"Don't push it."

Rey's excitement was potently palpable from being this close, but he wouldn't see her walking down that ramp since she needed to stay hidden.

Skywalker was the one to exit.

"One more thing," Poe said before Ren went to meet with the man to give a quick report. "How is your hair always so perfect?"

Ren let a chuckle escape his nose. "It's genetic and unattainable."


	61. Live A Little, Then Onto The Mission

Rey leaned against the marble counter in the refresher, looking over her makeup with keen curiosity. The all-in-one stylist had left ten minutes ago, praising her work that had taken three hours to do: giving Rey a complete transformation.

She had been excited in the beginning. Especially when she decided to cut her hair just above the shoulders. But now, staring at her reflection, she was questioning all of it. To her, she appeared drastically different. Almost unrecognizable. Her softly curled hair showed none of its usual unruliness. The form fitting, dark green dress loosened slightly below her knees, draping to the floor and showing womanly curves Rey wasn't accustomed to seeing. What was more unusual was the high neckline, but low back. Rey didn't know this so called 'fashion' existed.

At least her arms were completely covered.

But could she wear this all evening? The plan was once her and Ben were done with dinner, they would separate. She would go with Jess to the theatre, where they would keep an eye on Brendol, updating the men waiting a few blocks away as to when he left. Then they would look for an opening and snatch him.

Rey straightened, looking at her whole ensemble.

Was she beautiful?

She would need a second opinion.

Rey neared the door, hand hovering over the panel. "Okay. I'm coming out... and you better not laugh. Promise?"

"I'm not going to laugh at you, Rey," Ben answered, amused.

"It's just..." she explained nervously. "I've never dressed like this before. I don't even look like me with all this makeup stuff on my face."

"Rey, it's fine," he said coaxingly. "Come out so I can see you."

She took a deep breath and opened the entryway. Keeping her eyes on the floor, Rey went to stand by the bed, her hands brushing at the dress as if it would somehow help her jitters.

Ben didn't say anything. She glanced up to see him staring at her, eyes wide.

"Do I look that ridiculous?"

Ben opened his mouth. Nothing came out.

She began to panic. "You're not saying anything. Why aren't you saying anything?"

He came to her, running his hands up and down her arms. "You look stunning," he said with warming sincerity. He brought a finger up to one of her curls. "And your hair…"

"Oh." She laughed timidly, patting at the new hairdo. "Yeah. I was feeling up for a change. I've always had longer hair, but I wanted to try this out. Do you like it?"

"It looks perfect on you. Everything does." He got closer, his need evident in the way his eyes locked and held upon her form, the way his voice rumbled, the way his body heated. "But now I just want to take this dress off of you."

Rey pushed him back. "Oh no you don't. It took hours to get ready. If you ruin even a strand of my hair –"

He put up his arms defensively, a sly smile curving his lips. "I won't touch you. Not even a hair. Satisfied?"

"Well, you can _touch_ me. Just be careful." Feeling more confident, she was able to take in Ben's formal black robes, noting that it wasn't much different than what he wore when with the First Order. The fabric was just thinner and smooth, and he swapped out his beloved boots for shiny black shoes – which must've been a first. But all in all, he looked good. _Really_ good. "Those robes really suit you. I've never seen you look so polished and non-threatening before." She went up and twisted one of his perfect locks around her finger. "You're really handsome when you clean yourself up."

He stole a quick kiss before she could back away again. "Because I'm so scruffy looking otherwise."

Hand in hand, they left their opulent room and exited the hotel, making their way into an enclosed speeder, a driver already at the helm.

Rey tilted her head closer to Ben and whispered, "You're sure Poe is okay with this?"

"You've never been to Chandrila before. And we have a few hours to spare before going to the opera house. I'd rather enjoy some dinner than wait in the room with the rest of them."

"Thanks for paying for their room, by the way. Finn seemed really excited to stay somewhere so nice."

"If you have the means, you should experience a few luxuries from time to time."

"Credits really do get you everything," Rey said as a joke.

Ben didn't interpret it that way. "If that were true, my life wouldn't have turned out the way it did. I'd rather be poor and content, than rich and regretful."

They arrived at their destination before Rey could come up with something to say.

Arm looped through his, they walked into the ornate eatery. Rey gaped at the sparkling ceiling, the view reminding her of when she would look at the sky during the nights on Jakku, gazing at all the infinite stars. Beneath her the floors were rich colors of swirling blue, with flecks of gold lining the perimeter. Everyone was dressed in the same fancy manner as them, all looking like they belonged there.

She stopped and tensed.

Ben tried pulling her along, but she didn't budge. "What's wrong?"

"I…." Her stare darted from one humanoid to another. "I don't fit in here." She caught sight of a nearby table. "I don't even know what most of those forks and spoons are for."

Ben touched her cheek, craning her head to face him. "Don't look down on yourself. Ever."

"How much does the food even cost here?"

"It doesn't matter. I have more than enough to buy this restaurant." He dropped his hand. People were now watching them as they stood in the middle of the lobby. "Do you want to leave?" he whispered in her ear. "We can go somewhere more comfortable for you."

 _What am I doing?_ she asked herself. Never in her life had she given much credence to the opinions of others. Especially when they were judging her. If she had, she wouldn't have survived for as long as she did.

Being with Ben had brought these new insecurities to light. And right now, she had reached her limit of caring what random strangers thought of her. She wanted to have a nice night with the man who brought her here.

"No," she replied resolutely, banishing the anxiety from her soul. "You made the reservation. Let's stay. But you'll have to explain to me what most of the food is and what fork goes with what."

"Don't worry," he whispered, an attractive smile lighting up his face. "I'll be your teacher."

They were shown to their table, the view looking directly down to the dance floor below. Rey went to pull out her chair, but Ben beat her to it, motioning for her to sit. Awkwardly, she sat as he pushed it in. As the night went on, Rey learned that this custom was commonly practiced with other couples. She thought that odd. Women were perfectly capable of handling a chair.

Next, Ben went over the menu with her, helping to pick out what she was most in the mood to try. The waiter, who was thankfully human and not a droid, was patient and polite, giving his own recommendations.

Once their orders were done, the man asked, "Would you like any wine this evening?"

"No, thank you," Ben said.

"Actually, I would like to try some." This drew a surprised look from Ben.

"Which would you like?" the server inquired.

"Uhhhh…" That was when she realized she didn't know the names of any wines. She could cite some alcoholic beverages, but wine was for the rich. Nobody was really rich on Jakku.

Ben thankfully came to the rescue. "Bring a glass of Emerald, Toniray, Corellian, and Port in a Storm."

The waiter bowed and left quickly.

Rey sat back, grabbing a fork, picking at the prongs. Probably wasn't proper manners, but she didn't care. "That's quite an array of wine."

Ben lifted an eyebrow, remaining still as she kept being fidgety. "Have you ever tried wine? Let alone alcohol?"

"Well... No," she admitted.

"Then you should have choices."

The drinks came and then the food, Rey greedily enjoying every morsel and every swallow of the mauve liquids, except Port in a Storm. The smell alone made her eyes water and nose sting. Ben found it entertaining how she refused to taste even a drop.

She had to abstain from chugging all the other drinks. Ben cautioned her to take small sips since they had to get Brendol in a few hours. Poe would be livid if she showed up drunk.

And as Rey expected, Ben didn't ask to try any of them. He hadn't had a drop of alcohol since the night he died on Lothal.

As the night went on, they chatted mostly about Soniee and the recordings. But there were small moments when Ben would talk about things from his childhood, even sometimes memories with his mother. It was a relaxing atmosphere, just the two of them, enjoying the others company.

But then Ben said something offhandedly about Skywalker, and all that did was remind Rey about the conversation she had with the Jedi Master a few days ago. As much as she tried, she couldn't shake it from her mind.

Dessert was brought out, choc filled banja cakes for Ben, and Jogan fruit drizzle for her. But her appetite had dissipated, and not because she was full. "Why didn't you order dessert first?" Rey asked after taking a bite, trying to relish the sweetness as her mind kept reeling.

Ben chewed and swallowed his big bite. "In a place such as this, I would never do that."

She somewhat smiled, poking at the dessert she should be enjoying.

"Do you not like it?" Ben asked, examining the plate to see if anything was wrong. "Normally, you would have inhaled that by now."

She put her utensil down and raised her eyes to his. They had promised not to keep anything from one another. And the longer she didn't tell him, the guiltier she felt. "I wasn't going to tell you this… but only because I don't have the whole picture. And I don't want you to obsess over it or get overwhelmed."

Ben wiped his mouth with the linen napkin, becoming confused. "What's going on?"

Rey took a deep breath and told him all she knew. Throughout it all, Ben kept a straight face, his eyes focusing on the table, his body not even twitching.

It had been a few minutes since she finished talking, the sound of dishes clattering, guests chatting, the harmonic music below the only things filling the void.

And then Ben did something she did not expect: he went back to eating his dessert.

She watched him finish the whole plate, wipe his mouth, and push the dish out of his way.

"You don't seem surprised by this?" Rey queried, confused.

"Surprised that a member of my family kept information from me?" He tried to sound sarcastic, but she picked up the bitterness. "I'm quite used to it by now. It's how my family operates."

Rey winced, twisting her fingers in her lap. "Your uncle never told Leia, if that helps. He never told anybody."

"But he told you," Ben bit out, and Rey winced. Ben calmed himself when he saw how she reacted to his tone, but his finger methodically tapping the table was a giveaway for his anxiety. "It's interesting how everyone thinks they know what's best for me. Leia, Skywalker, even Poe…"

 _Poe?_ She'd have to ask him about that later. "I'm not on that list? I did keep this from you."

"For three days. That's hardly a blink of an eye in terms of time." That didn't make her feel any better. "I'm not upset with you, Rey," he assured her. But then he looked off to the side and went quiet.

"What do you think about all of it?"

He shrugged.

"That's it? I thought you'd have a more adverse reaction."

Ben's voice was eerily flat. "It doesn't mean anything."

Rey was taken aback. "How does it not mean anything?"

Sighing, he matter of factly said, "There's no way I could bring balance to the Force. I've a hard enough time finding balance within myself. And no one actually knows what 'bringing balance to the Force' entails. I was with my uncle all those years as he tried to find the answer, but he never did." He batted his hand through the air. "It's all ambiguous and probably just a myth of wishful thinking."

Rey blinked at how he just brushed it all off. "But… Anakin and Obi-Wan told him that you would succeed where you grandfather failed. Doesn't that mean something?"

He derisively answered her question with one of his own: "That the Skywalker legacy is just one person after the other failing at life?"

"I'm being serious, Ben. How about you do the same."

The sides of his jaw protruded. Then, with a hard will, he wiped his expression clean of the frustration. "Just because they are Force beings, doesn't mean they know everything. Remember what Kayani told you? The Force lets her know what she needs to know. What they were saying about me is just their speculation. Nothing more," he stated, trying to put an end to this particular topic.

But his explanation just brought up more questions. "What is the Force exactly?"

Ben frowned. "It's everything," he answered, like it was common knowledge.

"Yes, I know. Luke talked to me about it, but there has to be more depth to it than that."

The waiter came by, clearing the table of their plates. After he left, Rey kept staring at Ben, patiently waiting for him to devise an explanation. "Skywalker was the one to teach me about the Force, though we believe in utilizing it for different things." Ben adjusted his posture. "Basically, you have two different aspects of the Force: the Living Force and the Cosmic Force. The Living Force is the energies of all living things. The Cosmic Force is an aspect of the Force that binds everything together from energy fed into it through the Living Force. It makes possible for those that are Force sensitive to sense things that are happening light-years away."

Rey nodded. "Who controls the Cosmic Force? Is it, like, actual people?"

Ben raised his shoulders, thinking over his answer. "Sort of. It's theorized that the Celestials created numerous numbers of galaxies while continuing to live among the Cosmic Force. Kind of like an alternate dimension."

"The who? Celestials?"

Ben eyed her passively. "I take it Skywalker hasn't explained any of this to you?"

"Uh, no."

"Probably doesn't want to overwhelm you."

Rey shivered, not sure if it was from her exposed back or the topic of discussion. But she did sense there was something significant about all this information. She just didn't know what. "Can you tell me?"

Ben's mood was improving exponentially. Rey did have an ulterior motive for all the questions: she new Ben loved to teach. And since Rey was genuinely curious about all this, they both came out as winners. "The Celestials were considered one of the earliest and most potent cultures of their time. The lack of information on them makes them seem to be a mystery, but it was found that they left objects on planets showcasing their existence."

"Were they humans?"

"Not really. More like powerful alien architects. Their appearance is a mystery: it's written that they have malleable form, or that they are discorporate entities who had perhaps merged themselves with the Force and continue to guide the fate of the galaxy as the Cosmic Force."

Rey cocked her head. "So the Celestials didn't create the Force?"

"No. The Force has been around since the beginning of the universe. The Celestials merely overlook this"–he tapped the table–"specific galaxy. Maybe a few others. Though some believe that the Celestials are descendants of those who created the Universe."

"Has anyone ever seen them?"

Ben took a sip of his water before answering. "They used to have more interaction with the galaxy. But apparently in 35,000 BBY, their domain was attacked by the Rakata slave race, waging a war of extermination upon them. The Rakata's felt as if they were being used by the Celestials, and they were seeking retribution. In response, the Celestials created a barrier of black holes to protect them against the Rakata. Many believe those black holes are what make up the Maw Cluster that is near Kessel, where smugglers use it as a shortcut for the Kessel Run."

He paused, glancing down at his hands. Rey was sure the mentioning of the Kessel Run brought up memories for him.

Ben rubbed his lips together before continuing. "By 30,000 BBY, the Celestials were nowhere to be found, withdrawing from this dimension completely. They remained in their own, sometimes guiding the events of the galaxy, but mostly leaving beings to their own machinations."

Rey stared at him for a moment, and then asked, "When Kayani said that the Force only tells her what she needs to know, do you think it's these Celestials communicating with her?"

"Possibly. But there is still so much we don't know about them. All we do know is from the writings and personal accounts that can be found in the Journal of the Whills. But with the journals passing through so many hands, how does anyone know for certain that some passages weren't changed?"

Rey sat back, feeling the soft spine of the chair on her bare skin. "Do you always look at things with skepticism?"

"I do," he said with a smirk.

"Then how do you believe in anything?"

"I can still draw my own conclusions."

"Which are?"

Ben didn't say anything for a few seconds. "I believe the Celestials could exist."

"Really? You don't think this is all far fetched since they are of the Light side of the Force."

His forehead creased. "What makes you think they are of the Light side?"

Now she was staring at him as if the answer were obvious. "Well, entities that are evil don't create – they destroy."

"But the Celestials enslaved the Rakata. Do you view that as being virtuous?"

The question tripped her up for a moment, making her view things differently. "Ummm… No, I guess not."

Showing a small, satisfied grin, Ben said, "The Force is both Light and Dark, neither here nor there. It just is. Only when there is an imbalance does the Force demand to be realigned."

"And they choose actual people to do this," Rey stated. "If these Celestials are all powerful, why don't they fix it themselves instead of dragging us into it?"

"Usually the reason for the imbalance is because of those so called 'people'."

"Then make it so everyone abides by a set of rules so everything doesn't turn into a mess."

"You mean control the people by having order?"

"Yeah." Rey paused. Blinked. He watched as she slowly realized what she agreed to. "Wait. No. You twisted this conversation around on purpose."

Ben's lips curved upward. "I merely helped you see things from my point of view."

Rey wasn't going to give up that easy. "But what's the point of creation if those who are sentient can't think for themselves? Where's the progress?"

"The ones with the control are the ones who make the progress."

"But that's such a small percentage of the population. You need diverse individuals to make any real change."

Ben ran his fingers through his hair. "You know, I once believed as you do."

"Why don't you anymore?"

"I've seen how instability can ruin civilizations."

"But doesn't that go hand in hand with balance? You have those who contribute great things to society, and those who become bottom feeders and criminals."

Ben laughed heartily, clapping his hand together. "I would have loved to see you debate my philosophy professor from school. You're actually quite good."

Rey shied from the compliment, cheeks turning crimson. "Thanks." She went for the Emerald wine. "Do you really not believe you could bring balance to the Force?" she asked before drinking.

All amusement left his face. He didn't answer her.

Rey put the glass down, criticizing herself for bringing it up. She peered over the handrail, down to the lit floor, watching the few couples that were holding each other close and dancing to the symphonic tune. One of the men whispered something into his partner's ear. She blushed and laughed, carefree.

These people openly showing their love and affection towards one another panged her with envy. Her and Ben didn't have a relationship like that where they could–

"Would you like to dance?"

Rey blinked back the surprise at Ben's sudden request. But of course, he saw her watching the people below.

She shrugged shyly. "I don't know how to dance."

"It's quite simple." He stood and came to her side, hand opened and inviting. "Just follow my lead."

They made their way down the marble staircase, past the small orchestra, and onto the gilded dance floor. Ben grabbed her hand and waist, pulling her close against his body. They started slow at first, swaying and shuffling their feet over the smooth floor. Rey apologized the few times she stepped on Ben's toes, but all that elicited was a laugh on his part.

Her cheeks grew red, her body hot as those feelings of self doubt started to creep into her mind. But Ben whispered for her to stay focused on him, to not care if others were watching. This moment belonged to her, as much as it belonged to him.

Soon, he had them turning about in this three-step rhythm she quickly became accustomed to. Sweeping around the space, their movements became wider, the music becoming nothing more than far off background noise.

Around and around she went, smiling and laughing and loving the man she was experiencing this with.

And as she looked at his untroubled face, it was as if she'd known him for decades, instead of mere months. But she figured that must be what happened when you cross paths with someone your compatible with:

Felt like you've been with them forever.

()()()()()

Tall apartment buildings lined the street, their outer surface worn through years of sun exposure and weather, no one really taking the time to make any repairs. Down the way, children battled with their play blasters, hiding behind makeshift forts out of repurposed trash. The air of Chandrila was a welcoming temperature, the sky dark and clear of any storms.

Poe and Ren kept up a steady stream of chatter, mostly talking about their flying skills, both of them trying to one up the other. Finn nodded in the right places, but couldn't seem to stop glancing at a poster on one of the building's walls. Once Poe brought up his triumph at Starkiller base, the discussion hit a snag. So Finn walked away from the two men, down the dimly lit walkway and studied the print:

 **Power Through Unity. Strength Through Stability**.

He raised his head some more so the cap on his head didn't obstruct the whole view. Hux's sharp profile was below the line of propaganda, his head angled in a way that made it seem like he was looking at the neatly placed Star Destroyers in the corner.

Ren, now in his usual civilian clothes, came up beside him. Scowling. "At least they used his bad side."

Finn motioned to the large placard. "What's the point of even putting these things up? They already have control of this planet."

"Want to make sure people keep believing it. Reminders are important."

"Important for keeping everyone in line," Poe said as he joined in with examining the picture.

Ren glanced over at him. "I haven't seen or heard any talk of a rebellion while being here."

"That's because we've only been around aristocrats," Poe countered, his eyes roaming over the poster disapprovingly. He elbowed Finn softly. "Just think, soon you're going to be the face of the Resistance. Maybe you'll even get plastered on a wall like this guy. Which will be a far better picture–"

Finn grabbed the top of the poster and ripped it off the wall in one sweeping motion. He shredded it quickly, letting the breeze catch it and take it down the street.

Even through the sudden show of outrage, Finn was still able to pick up on the glance Poe and Ren shared.

They might've taken the sudden aggression as a sign he didn't want to be used in Resistance propaganda. But he really didn't mind that. What irked him was that this war was gradually looking to be more and more in the First Order's favor. And being on a planet controlled by them made that fact particularly more evident.

Lately, he really had to think about what he would do if the Resistance utterly failed.

Rubbing his nose so hard that his eyes started to water, Finn annoyingly said, "Is anyone else having trouble with breathing?"

"That would be the ammonia from the urine," Poe pointed out, rattling some small rocks in his hands as he leaned against the durachromed wall.

Finn turned his head in each direction, looking at the decrepit and rusted buildings, hearing the muffled cry of a baby, the shouts of a heated argument. At least those kids down the street were having fun. "We're only two blocks from the theatre and I can't believe how broken-down this area is compared to over there."

Ren waited for a group of human women to pass by before explaining. "We're in the Nimetra district. The theatre resides in the Noli, where the nobility live. Both are under different mayors, both have different budgets."

"One should give the other a bit more credits out of charity," Finn murmured.

Poe tossed a pebble across the street, trying to make it into one of the potholes. "Since when are aristocrats ever charitable?"

Finn went silent, the warm wind teasing his skin, rustling his jacket. He focused on Poe tossing the rocks, counting how many times he made it in the hole. The count wasn't too high.

"How have you and Rey been?" Poe asked Ren as he chucked another rock, accidentally hitting the wall. "You two have been spending a lot of time apart."

Finn was expecting some snide remark about not prying into someone's personal life, but then Ren started talking in a manner that seemed very open and honest... which was weird. "It's necessary with everything going on. I don't think she minds it as much as I do. She's learning a lot from Skywalker with me not being around to distract her. It's just… not what I'd prefer."

Poe shrugged. "Well, you know what they say: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

"More like gives you a murderous complex and a need for a psych eval," Ren muttered.

Finn actually chuckled, looked to the right… and stopped breathing. A woman was walking toward him, her long black hair, slanted eyes, and red leather jacket all immediately resonating with him. Of all the people he thought he would run into on this planet, she was at the bottom of his list.

Caliiya.

Poe elbowed Finn as he caught him gawking. "Finn, pretend like you've seen a woman before."

Finn's mouth went dry, his eyes fixated on her as she neared. Caliiya stopped in front of him, eyeing him nervously.

The two just stared at each other, doing a whole lot of not talking.

But Ren made up for that. "What the fuck are you doing here?" he snarled, stepping up beside Finn. Almost getting in between them.

Caliiya glared. "You're just full of warm welcomes, aren't you?"

"Am I supposed to be thrilled to see you? You did nothing to help us against the Guavian's. You even sold Finn out to them."

"This is the girl from the Eravana?" Poe asked, getting a nod from Ren. Poe joined in with staring her down.

Caliiya looked to be uncomfortable from the threatening attention. "Can… can I talk to you?" she said softly to Finn, glancing at the two men. "Alone?"

The men bluntly told her no, but in a way that was laced with profanity. All the while Finn watched her take the heat willingly.

In the end, against Poe and Ren's warnings, he went with Caliiya a little ways down the pavement, staying within eyesight of the others. He could still hear Ren recounting the story of how they met her, talking particularly loud when it came time to bring up the Wookies.

Finn cleared his throat. "How did you find me?"

She gave him an once-over. "I'm good at what I do."

"Did you tell the First Order that I'm here?"

Caliiya showed offense to the question. "No. Of course not."

"Then what do you want?" he asked in a tired tone.

She looked down, taking a breath. "I– I want to apologize… for what I did to you. I sold you out, when all you wanted to do was help me. I've never had anyone offer me help before."

Finn adjusted his cap, sighing. "I understand why you did it. Freedom was being offered to you and you couldn't pass it up."

Her face shined with hope. "So, you don't hate me?"

He shook his head. "But I don't trust you." That snuffed out the spark in her eyes. Finn swallowed, even though he had no saliva to gulp down. "Look, I appreciate you finding me to tell me this, but you should leave."

Caliiya glanced over his shoulder at Poe and Ren. "You guys gonna snatch Brendol Hux?" When Finn looked surprised, Caliiya explained. "I heard he's here. I… could help."

Finn was all shades of confused. The way Caliiya was staring at him, her gaze big with optimism, her demeanor more than willing to be of aid, it knocked him off base. He didn't know who this woman really was. He knew who he wanted her to be, but that was before she betrayed him.

"I gotta go," he muttered, pivoting around quickly so he didn't see her reaction.

"Hey," she called out. He glanced behind. "Take care of yourself. Your face is well known among bounty hunters."

The corners of his eyes crinkled as he slightly smiled. "That's what this is for," he pointed to the hat. "Stay safe."

By the time he walked back to the two watchful men, Caliiya was gone.

"Yeah…" Poe drawled. "So I vote that you never see that woman again."

Finn walked past them, going back to their original spot in the shadows. The two of them followed.

"Bounty hunters are without loyalty and only look after themselves," Ren added.

Finn positioned his back against the wall, folding his arms. "Funny. I could give that definition to you."

Ren was more stoic and quiet after that comment.

"Did she say how she found you?" Poe inquired.

"No. But she didn't tell the First Order we're here."

"And you believe her?"

"I do."

For a while none of them said anything. The kids at the end of the street went inside their homes. The last of Poe's pebbles were thrown. He didn't go back for more.

Finn didn't want to be the reason for the silence. He didn't want to be in a sour mood. He wanted to find his foundation again. And not think about Caliiya anymore.

"So…." Finn said into the night, addressing Poe. "What's going on with you and Jess?"

"Nothing," he answered too quickly.

Finn snorted. "I just spent the better part of a day in a room with you two. All those awkward stares and attempts at casual conversation say otherwise."

Poe didn't immediately answer. Finn noticed that his jaw was tight. Brows furrowed. "I don't know." He inhaled. "You know that feeling you get when you see someone and your heart just skips a beat?"

"That's an arrhythmia," Ren said flatly. "You could die from that."

Poe cast Ren a reptilian look, and then ignored him. "I, well…. We kissed, back on the base.

Finn held a hand up. "Hold on. You two kissed months ago and I'm just hearing about this now?"

Ren's eye roll was more dramatic than usual. "I'd rather not hear about this at all. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find a private spot where I can relieve myself."

Finn waited for the man to disappear around the corner before shaking his friend, his excitement genuine, the image of Caliiya now a distant memory. As it should be. "What happened after you kissed her?"

Poe grabbed his arms to calm him down, chuckling at Finn's enthusiasm. "The First Order showed up."

"I know. I meant are you two, like, together now?"

Poe's grin faded. "No. We agreed we should keep it professional. We can explore whatever's going on between us after the war." Poe saw how Finn narrowed his eyes. "You don't agree?"

"Who knows how this war is going to turn out. You might not get a chance to have a relationship with her."

"But working with her might get complicated."

"Ren and Rey go on missions and they seem fine," Finn countered.

"Really? Ren always looks like he's going to pull his hair out worrying over her."

"And you don't worry about Jess now?"

"I do. But it would be a lot worse if we were actually together together, you know?"

Well, technically he didn't. He'd never even had the prospect of being in a relationship. And the few women he knew were either his friends, or it was complicated. "I guess."

"Thinking about that bounty hunter, aren't ya."

"Sort of," Finn said thoughtfully. "I'm more thinking about how I've never experienced affection with someone before."

Poe stumbled over his words. "You've… you've never… you know."

He shook his head. "Nope."

Poe put a hand on his shoulder. "Oh, you sweet, virtuous stormtrooper. I'm blushing at your innocence."

"Me, too."

A strong wind came through, drifting and floating Poe's hair. "Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed over," he said while pushing his mane back into place. "I can't imagine you having a lot of opportunities."

"I did have a few." A good portion of the stormtroopers were women. And as long as you were sneaky enough, two people could find privacy. "But I could never make myself do the casual thing."

Poe watched a speeder race down the way. "You and Rey were close. You never thought about, I don't know… seeing where that could go?"

Finn shook his head, thinking about the first time he met Rey. It made him smile. "Believe me, first thing I saw was how gorgeous she was. And I was interested, for a bit. But we functioned so well as friends that the thought of being with her faded from my mind."

"Never tell Ren that. Don't need another reason for him to want you dead."

"No kidding." Speaking of which…. Finn looked to the corner Ren had walked to. "Ren's been gone a little too long."

Poe and Finn wandered down the walkway, turning where Ren had. From there, he could have taken three different routes. They went down each, getting curious looks from the humanoids they passed.

Going down the last alley, Finn stopped as Poe kept moving forward.

He stared down the dark backstreet littered with trash, thinking that this would be a perfect place for privacy. But no matter how long he stood there, peering into the twilight, there was no sign of Ren. No signs of a struggle. And if Ren had been taken, that guy would have raised hell before being brought down.

Events were being set into motion, a spark to what would be an eventual inferno. Finn wasn't gifted with the Force, but he still had his sharp instincts. Whatever was happening was a catalyst to something bigger, and it was going to drag them all along for the ride.

Poe came up beside him, his irritation throwing off some serious heat. "You better comm Jess," Finn suggested.

"Shit," Poe bit out, going for the device at his belt.


	62. The Shadow

Ren placed a gloved hand against the wall, relieving himself next to a tall pile of broken furniture in the alley. He could hear the scuttling and squeaks of rats, his vision catching one running down the bricked pathway further into the dark.

Instead of going back the way he came from the shadows, he wanted to glimpse the Nimetra district that was right down the way. When he was younger, his mother would take him with her to visit Chandrilla, the place of his birth, and they would stay in this area.

The medcenter was actually pretty close to here.

Walking out of the alleyway, he…

…stopped where he was.

An enclosed speeder came down the street, Ren sensing someone all too familiar.

He watched as the hovercraft stopped in front of a lavish hotel – The Austere, where Ren and his mother had frequented. A human woman and man got out, both laughing and grabbing at each other.

Ren narrowed his eyes.

The woman was none other than Carise Sindian. The man he didn't know. Didn't matter.

The newly flared feeling in his heart was undeniably recognizable: Vengeance. Icy, cold vengeance. So much of it that the shit ran straight into infinity.

However, he was not on Chandrila for Carise. His target was Brendol. But when was he ever going to have another opportunity to randomly find this woman again? This right here was providence.

So take the risk, or lose the chance?

A chill claimed his neck, a prompting warning him to turn back. That nothing good would come out of this. That revenge would not grant him peace of mind.

He ignored it.

Ren ambled carefully across the street, treading on the balls of his feet, feeling through his worn boots for the piece of trash or loose gravel that would give him away. There weren't many people out tonight, most probably at the theatre. So he moved as quietly as a soft breeze, as subtle as an animal.

His blood pumped with pure anticipation, his mind racing with all the different scenarios he could enact. On so many levels he was a typical predator: the chase was more electric than the capture and consumption.

Carise and her date walked through the entrance, sashaying beside the man and hip touching his with every other step, intent on the subtleties of womanly seduction. And the man was into it. Amused. Smiling at whatever she was saying.

He followed them into the hotel. The floor was tiled in fine white and grey marble, echoing the footsteps of the elegantly dressed occupants. But he didn't marvel at the architecture along with the other guests. He ignored the tall stained glass windows that reached the high domed ceiling, the deep green and gold accents of the walls, and the neatly placed, silk embroidered furniture.

He could have been in a hovel and his reaction wouldn't have been any different.

Close. Closer he came. Ren could almost hear their conversation, but stopped before he got in range. He didn't want to give himself away.

_Patience._

His eyes stayed on their trail as they entered an elevator. Just before the doors closed, Carise pulled the man down to her lips. Her date's arousal was very distinct, even from across the lobby. But Carise… no such emotion emanated from her. The woman's performance was highly deceiving.

Ren waited in the atrium long enough for them to have made it to their room by now. Getting in the lift, Ren didn't need to find out what floor they would be on, for the very top held all the most lavish suites. Carise wouldn't stay in anything less.

Exiting into the same décor found in the atrium below, he slowly walked past each room's door:

Empty.

Empty.

Prostitution.

Infidelity.

Empty.

He halted near the end, slowly turning his head to the right. This was it.

Ren knocked. No answer. He knocked again.

"What is it?" a masculine voiced billowed, footsteps nearing the door.

"Room service," Ren answered.

"Room service?" The man opened the door, looking at Ren questioningly. "We didn't order any–"

Ren grabbed the man by the neck, throttling him to the ground, the door closing them in. The man tried to fight back, but was pinned by Ren's sizable weight.

Even through his gloves, Ren could feel the arteries and veins and tendons of the neck. He could feel the way the blood hammered trying to reach the brain. The way the muscles twisted. The man's windpipe convulsed, the entire body jerking, a wild spasm, organs desperate for oxygen. The brain was in panic mode, sending out a last ditch effort of nerve signals.

A black shadow draped over Ren, slinking its way in, igniting his brain and ushering in an intrusion of malice and need.

Ren squeezed harder. The man blacked out.

Ren released his hold before he killed him. This person wasn't his true target, and it would be wise to practice some form of self-control.

As he went to his feet, he found Carise standing straight ahead, just outside the entryway to the refresher, like she just stumbled upon the scene. She backed away in horror, her alarm almost comical. Ren mentally shut the corridor, denying her refuge.

He pushed his hair back, revealing eyes as black as inky pools, skin as pale as a full moon.

Ren regarded Carise with all the compassion one would bring to a confrontation such as this – which was zero. "I know this is all very untoward, but I wanted the chance to speak with you. Alone."

Moving slowly to the left, he walked along the perimeter of the sitting area, looking at the ornate art pieces on the wall, the sculptures that were placed in the corners, the muted holoscreen playing something of insignificance. He was politely giving Carise some space so she could come terms with what was happening.

Finally the woman found her voice. "You – you can't do this. I'm here in a diplomatic manner in the name of the First Order."

Ren stopped at a glass hover cart, looking over the many colored liquids in the clear, crystal bottles. "Diplomatic," he slightly chuckled, a mirthless sound. "I didn't know you were capable of making a joke." He touched the glass filled with the amber liquid, thinking that it looked exactly like the stuff his father loved to drink.

"I – I have rights–"

He pegged her with a hard stare, shutting her up. "Sweetheart, you don't have shit." He motioned to the loungers in the middle of the room. "Please, sit."

She didn't move. Ren decided to lead by example and walked to one of the chairs, lounging on the plush white cushions, arms relaxing on the citrine trim of the armrest. Carise reluctantly sat across from him, back poised, hands resting atop her deep purple gown.

Even in danger, the woman showed elegance. He could respect that, at least.

Staring at her, Ren crossed his legs ankle to knee. "The man you're with. Who is he?"

She held her head a little higher, searching for some measure of dignity. "The Executive Minister of Chandrila."

"And neither of you have security?"

"He's engaged," she stated, not even embarrassed by that fact. "We didn't want to draw attention."

Ren glanced back at the unconscious man, seeing the bruises already forming on his neck. For a man with secrets, he was going to get a lot of questions about those.

He looked back to Carise. "Did the First Order take any prisoners from the Resistance base?"

She raised a brow, somewhat showing confidence. "You mean Organa's doctor?"

His eyes flared. "Where is she?" he growled.

Carise had the audacity to laugh at him. "Hux was right. You care about that woman." She shrugged indifferently. "I'm afraid I don't know of her whereabouts. She's alive, though. For now, anyway."

He sensed she was telling the truth, and that she didn't have any more information on Harter. Ren quickly composed himself and moved on. "Do you know where Snoke resides?"

"No."

"Does the Order have anymore super weapons?"

"No. Starkiller Base was it." She held his gaze, almost too ardently.

"You're lying." He dove into her mind. Carise grabbed at her head, crying out. A plea slipping through her lips.

Ren found the answers quickly since they were at the forefront of her thoughts. "Jakku," he muttered, brows drawing together, his mind searching deeper. "There's something powerful on Jakku…." He withdrew once he couldn't find anything else. Carise collapsed in the chair, cradling her skull, groaning. "What is it?"

She shook her head, hair falling out of the once neatly coiled bun her fingers had dug into. "I don't know," her voice trembled. "Supreme Leader is very protective of whatever's there." Ren's gaze pinched. "That's all I know. I swear."

"But you think it's a weapon… because you overheard Hux describing it as such."

Carise pressed her lips together, defiant.

"You can answer," he said. "Or you can be made to answer."

She took in a few ragged breaths. "Is this the part where you take me to the remnants of the Resistance so they can put me in a cage and interrogate me?"

Ren splayed a hand on his chest, sardonically saying, "Oh, I apologize for giving you the wrong impression. You see, I'm not here to capture you." His brows quickly dropped low, his dark eyes growing shrewd. "I'm here to kill you." Carise paled, the air growing frigid. "Do you not remember what I told you the last time we saw each other? I swore to end your life. And lately, I've been putting a lot of effort into keeping my promises."

Carise was now visibly sweating. "How can you be so casually cruel?"

The side of his mouth ticked upward. "Casually cruel?" He tried out the phrase, finding that he liked it. "Mind if I steal that?"

"You take what you want, anyway."

"And you don't?"

"No.

"No?

"No. What I've taken has been in an effort to help raise up the First Order. To create the stage upon which it was introduced," she preached, as if naming off her efforts would change his mind. "I've been detrimental in producing a power that will remain for thousands of years. Can you say the same?"

He thought it over. "I mass produce the dead. Does that count?"

Carise flinched at his answer. "I – I was giving you the chance to come back without facing any severe consequences. I was trying to help you. All you had to do was kill –"

"My mother?"

"You murdered your own father. I thought you'd want to complete the set."

Ren preferred to always fall back on silence for an answer. Especially when a conversation hit too close to home. Or feelings. But seeing how Carise wasn't going to make it out of this room alive…. "Do you ever feel like you're being used by them?" The question confused her. "The First Order," Ren clarified. "Not the men you so flippantly fuck around with."

Carise held her tongue.

Ren continued. "I, in fact, was being used. More so by Snoke than anyone else, but I didn't realize it till I left. Till I learned that he never wanted me as an apprentice, but a vessel in which to transfer his soul into." Her hooded eyes widened. "Do you know what would happen to me in the process?"

…."You'd die?"

"Correct," he said, like she was a student answering a difficult question. "My life force would perish, but he would have my body. The whole time I was with the Order, I thought I was meant for great things: to follow in my grandfather's footsteps, stabilizing this rotting galaxy and bringing about an era of enlightenment. Of like mindedness."

His features hardened as he remembered the deeds he'd done. Some he sickeningly enjoyed. "I followed my master's orders like a blind dog. I killed my father with the promise that the conflict inside me would perish. Didn't take me long to realize that was a lie. Just more and more lies. And now I am forever ruined by the fact I committed patricide."

Ren spread out his arms. "Then you came along on Lothal, offering me my mother. And for a moment, I admit, I did consider killing her. I hate that I even thought that much. And who put me in that position? _You._ You reminded me just how much of a decrepit human being I am. And I hate reminders."

Carise's breathing had become more shallow. "Why are you telling me all this?"

Rey unexpectedly reached out to him through their bond. He ignored her.

"The dead keep the best secrets."

Carise glared at him, her palms grabbing at the armrests as she listed forward. "So you were used. Everybody is. I accepted my purpose because I could see the bigger picture. You, on the other hand, lack vision."

He tilted his head to the side, regarding her tenacity as either foolishness, or bravery. He couldn't decide. "Still so loyal to the First Order."

"Always. I may have let my personal vendettas cloud my judgment on Lothal, but I am more devoted than ever."

Carise's eyes darted to the right before meeting his again. It was so quick, she probably didn't even realize she had done it. But Ren noticed. He turned in the direction she'd been looking… and that was when he felt it. He stood, going to a small, black box on the side table next to the bed. Opening it, his breath caught in his throat.

With a shaky hand, he picked up his once lost saber hilt, holding it with a holiness that rivaled religion.

"I died on Lothal," he said distantly, still in awe of finding the weapon. He twisted his body around slowly, seeing now that she was severely shaking, frightened by his discovery. "But you probably knew that." He held up the weapon. "You took this as a trophy, didn't you?" Carise gulped. "Oh, I don't blame you. I quite like trophies, myself."

Ren moved forward. She bolted for the door, pounding at the operation panel, but it wouldn't work.

Her desperation fed that vicious part of him that was always watching, always waiting: The Shadow. It lurked in the pit of his gut and between the disks of his spine. Sometimes, it peered through his eyes. Other times it helped free him up to nurturing his violent obsession, his mind intensifying, his body becoming savage.

It helped him to enjoy what was to come.

Carise pressed her back against the wall as she kept her sight on him, moving toward the refresher door.

"All I've ever done has been in the name of the First Order," she cried out, trying to make him understand. "Snoke wanted you alive. I – I didn't know Cato would kill you."

He smiled. When death was at ones door, there was usually a process to all the pleading.

Protestations of innocence: that came first.

Ren kept advancing, menacingly unhurried.

"I have money," she proclaimed. Hopeful. "I'll give you as much as you want. I won't even tell Hux that I saw you."

Bribery was second.

Carise bolted to the refresher and was able to open and close the door. Ren unlocked it with ease, Carise letting out a yelp of surprise.

She scooted back against the sink. "Please," she begged, tears shining down her cheeks. "I don't want to die."

Ren stopped in front of her. "What was that?"

"I don't want to die," she said on a sob.

Ren stood there, breathing evenly, his power coiled in his tightly balled fist and grip on the saber. "You're going to have to speak up."

And that was when everything went quiet.

Carise hung her head, the trembling subsiding, the sobs softening. There was nothing she could do to change her fate. She could see that now.

Acceptance: that was last.

"Can you make it quick?" she whispered, defeated.

"No."

There were no hesitations, no hiccups in routine. Ren ignited his saber and lanced it right through her chest, barely missing her heart. He held her waist, bringing her body close so she wouldn't fall. Her head rested against his sternum as he brought his lips to her ear. "May the dirt above your grave be heavy."

Turning off the plasma blade, he let her go and stepped aside, letting her crumble and clutch at the wound. With her free arm, she dragged herself out of the refresher, groaning as a trail of blood stained the manicured floor.

Ren watched as her nails tried to find traction on the marble, listened to her sloshy breaths, smelled the crisp metallic aroma of her blood. She was getting close to her unconscious date near the doorway. Ren levitated the man to the bedroom so Carise had more room to crawl. But she never made it. Her cheek smashed against the floor, her mouth murmuring something indecipherable. Maybe a prayer, if she believed in that sort of thing.

Then she took her last breath. Eyes open. Looking to what one hoped to be hell.

Ren was now seated in one of the lounge chairs, not knowing exactly when he had made the move. But he was too enamored by the way Carise's face transitioned to that matte grey color of death to question his sanity at the moment.

He leaned back, putting his feet up on the dark walnut center table. His enormous boots made the elegant thing look like a footstool.

He wasn't sure how long he looked at the corpse. Feeling neither content, nor gleeful. He was just there, somewhere within himself.

There was something cool in his hand. He glanced down. He was holding the crystal decanter that was filled with the amber liquid. He opened the top, sniffing at the fumes.

Corellian brandy.

He didn't recall grabbing it. Didn't know why. He didn't drink anymore.

And then everything snapped forward, time unfixing its hold on this slow, perfect moment. Rey was trying to contact him again, their bond echoing like heat from a distant fire. But her attempts to break through weren't enough to tear through his defenses.

However, it did serve as a reminder of what he was truly doing on this planet.

He put the bottle back on the hover cart and went to the door. With one last glance at Carise, he exited quietly, taking the lift to the lobby and walking out into the cool night.

Retracing his route, he went back to where he had left Poe and Finn.

They weren't there.

Ren cursed under his breath. The play wasn't over yet. The two men probably went searching for him shortly after he didn't return. He'd been gone way too long. Did they notify Jess and Rey? And what would he say when they ask him where he'd been?

Of course he was going to lie, even if he did abhor the practice of deception. But he had to make it sound believable.

Problem was, nothing came to mind.

Not. One. Excuse.

Ren idly walked a few blocks, racking his brain for an idea. Passing by a crowded cantina, his eyes were involuntarily drawn to the noise inside.

Ren froze. Eyes squinting at the holoscreen just above the bar.

Hurriedly, he entered the establishment, seeing the sharp face of Hux speaking to the enthralled crowd. He pushed himself closer, willing his ears to hear.

"– are only two possibilities: either we remain lawless and divided under the New Republic, or we unite for a better and just galaxy. The former must not occur. We are witnessing a great turning point in history, one where the state of the galaxy is no longer questionable. The Senate that once governed us, who bickered and fought with one another, never achieving anything, never bettering the lives of you, the citizen, are now gone. The First Order is here to organize the chaos that surrounds you, to give you the opportunity to thrive. But we must not forget those who through thirty years of a hopeless state, nursed their fervent faith to the Empire, making it possible for us to be here today."

The crowd hung on every word. Or they were just scared to show their blatant disagreement out in the open.

"But with progressiveness comes opposition. We denounce the renegade terrorists of the Resistance and want to make sure you know their faces. Kylo Ren was once a trusted member of this organization, but he has betrayed us and has tried to slow down our cause through treachery and bloodshed. His depravity and mental state are questionable, and he is highly dangerous and hard to control, even going as far as murdering his own father." Whispers spread throughout the place, most looking disgusted.

"No," Ren whispered for himself alone.

Hux held his head up a bit higher. "He must be found and brought in alive. We ask for your help in this. Five hundred million credits is the reward." Everyone gasped, becoming more attentive. "We were able to acquire recordings of his interrogation methods, in which he went against specific orders and murdered the prisoners. Here is what we've been able to recover so you can know his face."

And then there he was, on the screen, the voidless monster he had become. There were only three recordings, each one only lasting no more than ten seconds, but they showed enough. Not just his face, but it showed his brutality in killing those people. He actually remembered one of them. He had enjoyed killing that prisoner so much, that he had the body's ashes added to his pedestal.

Ren was still steadily staring at the screen when out of his periphery he noticed people were starting to point at him, those closest giving him a wide berth.

The panic came at him like a tidal wave a million feet high, spinning him, smothering him, crushing him.

This was it. Now everyone knew who he was, what he'd done. What will Rey think of all this? Had she seen the broadcast yet? And his mother… she'll see him killing the people who fought for her.

What would the fallout be? Who would he lose?

Slowly, methodically, Ren made his way to the exit, the weight of his saber feeling heavy upon his belt, as if reminding him of its purpose: to defend, or destroy. His hand itched to hold it, to intimidate those who were now getting closer.

Movement in the back of the crowd caught his attention.

Multiple beings were coming in his direction, skirting through the pockets of people. Outfits and species all different, but the way they moved hinted that they were after the same target: him.

He bolted. Thoughts, noises, and pollution rang through his mind as he darted past pedestrians, almost getting hit by a land speeder in the process. As he turned down an alleyway, he tried to recall where he was and how to get back.

Rounding a corner sharply, he rammed right into another person. Both men went to the ground, Ren skidding on his back. He clambered to his feet to keep moving–

"Ben?"

()()()()()

The Chandrila Opera House was of a more vintage style than the modern durachrome you'd find in most places of entertainment. Dark wood beams and rails lined the four balconies, red tapestries draped over the walls, with crimson carpets to match. The ceiling was pure gold, the chandelier bigger than an average sized ship, lined with thousands upon thousand of glittering crystals, each one showing the spectrum of a rainbow.

Rey and Jess sat in their own private booth on the second level, having a perfect view of Brendol right across the theatre. Ben didn't tell Rey how much it had cost to acquire such a spot on extreme short notice. But it required paying both the theatre and the people who had already reserved the location.

Rey decided to remain ignorant on the details, instead choosing to enjoy this rare experience.

Jess leaned in close, whispering, "Close your legs."

"Huh?"

Jess pointed to how her own knees were touching under her black, shimmering gown, her ankles crossed and tucked to the side of the chair leg, giving Rey an example to follow.

Rey hadn't even noticed her improper manners and how the long slit that ran up to her thigh had started to show more than what was desired. She adjusted the garment, copying Jess's pose of appearing aristocratic.

"Have any other security shown up?" Rey asked, glancing to a relaxed looking Brendol. He actually looked to be asleep in his chair, chin resting on his sternum, eyes closed.

"Just the two men that are with him. But there could be more outside or with his transportation."

Rey went contemplatively quiet.

"You okay?" Jess asked.

"This night has just been so… weird. But in a good way. Going to dinner, being here, I never thought I would do something like this. I know this is a mission, but is it bad that I'm enjoying myself so far?"

Jess chuckled. "Not bad at all. Maybe we should thank Brendol for making this happen."

Rey smiled.

The lights dimmed, the sweeping sound of music filling the hall, hushing the crowd. Rey's eyes watched, mesmerized as the curtains drew back and the play began.

The classic opera was called Madra Teene, and it told the story of a clash between a colonial world and a droid uprising against their controllers. Apparently this famous group – the Tantrellius Theatre Groupe – was on a hyperdrive tour, leaving tomorrow to their next venue.

Maybe she really should thank Brendol for this opportunity.

Rey had no idea people could sing so harmoniously, so powerfully. Show so much emotion when all this was was pretend. It made her smile, brought her to tears, carried her to a time when she was younger and would hum herself to sleep. She'd forgotten what music could do to a soul, how healing it could be.

Jess suddenly left, but Rey barely noticed. The opera was at the part where the people were starting to find out the droids were planning a total takeover. Her heart was beating with adrenaline, wondering how they would deal with–

Jess nudged her shoulder, kneeling next to her chair. "Poe commed me. They need us to come out and meet them."

"What? Why?!" Rey whispered harshly, her frustration quickly exposed.

Jess shrugged, not looking too happy about it either. "All he said was that there's a problem."

Rey's body tensed as she held in her scream. She looked back at the performers with sad eyes before rising and leaving. It was childish, but she wanted to cry. The moment had been taken from her. Cut short. Like most things in her life.

 _This is an official assignment_ , she reminded herself. _Hold your head up. Don't look angry._

The last part was hard to do.

Poe and Finn were waiting for them across from the venue, neither appearing pleased. Rey searched for Ben as they neared, but he wasn't with them.

Rey went right into it. "Where's Ben?"

The two men exchanged a look.

"That would be the problem," Finn stated. "Because he's gone."

Rey's shocked stare bounced between them, not even knowing how to respond to that.

Jess raised her voice. "Gone? What, he just vanished?"

"He went into an alley to take a piss alone and never came back," Poe explained, anger lining his expression.

"Do you think he was taken?" Jess posed.

Through a hard jaw, Finn said, "Maybe." Rey could tell he didn't think much of that possibility. But right now, all options would have to be considered.

Rey reached out to Ben, but got nothing. Not even a sliver of recognition at the other end of the bond. Could he have been knocked out? That, or he really didn't want her to find him. She wasn't sure which scenario she'd rather have: Ben captured, or Ben doing something he shouldn't.

"I'm going to look for him," Rey declared as she started to walk away.

She didn't get far. Jess grabbed her arm. "You can't go alone."

"Finn, go with her," Poe ordered. "Jess and I will stay to get Hux."

Finn was reluctant to leave them. "Just the two of you?"

"Don't really have a choice, now do we." Poe handed an extra comlink to Rey. "Keep me updated on what's going on."

The group parted, Rey bunching up the side of her dress so she could walk faster. Search quicker. But every single person they passed was not the man she so desperately wanted to find.

Finn led her to the alleyway he believed Ben had gone to. All that was there were piles of trash and squeaking rats rushing away to their little rodent homes.

She faced the opening to the alleyway that was lit, her eyes watching the speeders and civilians.

Finn came up to stand beside her. "If someone has him, we'll get him back," he said, trying to comfort her. "Do you sense anything from him?"

Rey frowned. "No. He's quiet. The only other times he's been this closed off from me is when he's up to something."

"You think he ditched us purposefully?"

She slowly shook her head, trying to decipher what she was sensing. "I don't know."

As if in a trance, she walked forward, entering the Nimetra district. It was clean here, the people dressed to perfection, the buildings appearing to be in impeccable shape.

The hotel instantly caught her attention as she sensed something emanating from inside. She jogged up to the entrance and entered, eyes aloft, but not to take in the architecture.

She needed to go up.

She found an elevator, going to the top floor. Finn quietly stayed by her while she was in this daze-like state, not wanting to break her focus.

The lift doors opened, and like a hound to blood, Rey could sense the dark side pulsating from down the hall. Passing all of the inconsequential doors, she came to the one that mattered.

It was left unlocked. As Rey opened it, her and Finn simultaneously gasped. A woman, dead and dressed in a dark amethyst gown, was laying on the floor, arms outstretched as if she'd been crawling.

Finn drew the blaster from inside his jacket, holding it up and cautiously entering the premise. As he checked each room, Rey closed the entryway behind her, frozen where she stood. Eyes on the woman. On the trail of blood leading to the refresher.

Finn came back. "There's a man unconscious in the other room. Looks as if someone tried to strangle him."

"Alive?"

"Yeah." Finn looked to the corpse. "Should we… call the police or something?"

Rey neared the body, kneeling down to get a better look at the wound on the back. It was circular and mostly cauterized. Against Finn's protests, she rolled the woman over, the pool of her blood sticking to her dress and the floor.

Finn immediately crouched down on the other side. "That's Carise Sindian." His eyes roamed down from her face to what caused her demise. Finn scrunched his brows. "That looks like a–"

"– lightsaber wound," Rey finished. "Ben found her."

"Did he know she was here?"

"No," she breathed out. "He must have crossed paths with her when he left you and Poe." She paused. "He's not the type of person to let an opportunity like this pass him by."

Rey followed the trail of blood to the refresher, seeing the scorch mark of a plasma blade on the wall behind the water basin.

 _This is where he murdered her_ , she thought. _Odd place to kill someone. Maybe she was trying to hide from him_.

She walked to one of the chairs in the middle of the room. Sat. And felt disturbed.

"We should leave," Finn said as he went to the door, waiting for Rey. But she didn't move. She stayed in the room unable to move as if she was the one on the marble, with a hole in her chest, dead from a wound made from the man she loved.

She thought back to the beginning of the evening, the ease in which they talked to each other, the way he spun her while dancing, those moments in which he held her close. Who was more real? The man who smiled and laughed with her, or the demon that gave into his own lethal desires?

A warped sense of her reality crept into her body and laid claim on her mind.

"Did I make the wrong choice?" she asked meekly, meeting Finn's gaze. "Was I naïve to think he could change?"

Finn opened his mouth, shut it, looking like he really wanted to get out of there. But he went to her, going down to his knees so they were on the same level. "You aren't naïve. And you should never regret believing that someone could change."

"But he hasn't."

"He has," Finn surprisingly defended him. "Just… not completely."

She shook her head, looking about the room. "But when he goes and does something like–" Rey's eyes stopped on the muted holoscreen, mouth falling open, face paling. Finn turned, mirroring her expression.

There, in stark clarity, was a maskless Ben, using his lightsaber to execute prisoners. Not just prisoners – Resistance members. His face, those eyes, were emotionless. Robotic. Unreal. Rey watched all of it, only looking away when it was being repeated.

She gulped. Hands shaking. This was not a good time to be reminded of the man Ben used to be. Maybe still was. How could she care for a monster like that? Was she betraying all of humanity in doing so?

Why couldn't she ever get what she wanted?

Rey darted for the door, hurrying out of the hotel, not stopping even when Finn called out to her. She passed building after building, ignoring the pedestrians, turning the corner to get back to the theatre –

A man zipped passed her and ran right into Finn, sending them both to the ground. The culprit leapt to his feet to leave, but Rey got a good shot of his profile.

"Ben?"

Ben lurched forward as he stopped himself mid-stride, surprised to see both Finn and Rey. But Rey was just as shocked by his appearance.

Ben looked absolutely horrible: hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot, skin a sickly color. It reminded her of what he looked like as she fought him on Starkiller Base, after he killed Han.

But Rey showed no pity in the way she gazed at him.

"You've seen the broadcast," he stated through labored breathing, noticing her hard expression.

Finn went to his feet. "The whole galaxy has probably seen it by now."

Ben covered his face with his hands, like it was all he could do not to fall apart. "I wish I could take it all back." He revealed his distraught features, walking to Rey. "I swear I do. Please believe me. Hux, he was lying. I was ordered to do those things. I didn't–"

"And Carise?" she challenged. Ben halted and flinched as if someone had hit him. "Yeah, we found her dead body. Lightsaber wound through the chest. You wish to take that back too?"

His demeanor shifted, his neck flushing red, betraying his guilt. "No."

Laser fire interrupted the conversation, making Rey run in the direction Ben had been trying to go. But during the confusion, Finn had somehow separated from the group. Rey couldn't get to him. Too many humanoids were following, making it impossible to deviate from wherever Ben was leading them.

More appeared ahead, blocking their route. They turned down another street, the city feeling like a maze looping back on itself. Rey felt a concussive shock beside them. She shielded her face from the heat, just as another one hit, making the side of a building crumble.

The chase made her heart pound, muscles tighten, jaw set and adrenaline cooking to the point of boiling. Don't these people know Kylo Ren was wanted alive?

They saw the bright lights up ahead, the sound of a crowd. But those people could either be a sanctuary, or a complication. Blending in and losing their pursuers sounded hopeful, but there was always the chance a bystander could get hurt or killed.

No turning back now.

Laser bolts peppered the ground around them as they ran onto the populous plastocrete street, Rey and Ben weaving through the throng of beings. Now in the shopping district, they rushed passed extravagant, ever-morphing billboards of advertisements, the lights bathing them in different colors of illumination.

The blaster shots caught the attention of the shoppers, making them scream and seek cover inside. The congested path ahead was now emptying.

Fire swiftly exploded across Rey's face as she was sideswiped, not even aware that a fist had been heading her way. Her mouth exploded with warmth as the inside of her cheek cut open. She extended her hand, Force pushing the culprit so hard that he flew over the three-storied store and disappeared.

Rey spat out a wad of blood and saliva, the taste lingering on her tongue, like she'd been licking the top of a thorium battery

Ben pinned two hunters against the wall, but was brought down by three more jumping him from behind. Rey pulled a Gran off of him, throwing the alien to the ground, his skull making a resounding crack. Ben pushed off the rest, their bodies soaring right into a large billboard overhead, sending sparks to the ground as it shattered upon impact.

Others were more cautious now, eyeing Rey and Ben as they slowly moved forward, no one wanting to make the first move against them.

A scaly skinned Trandoshan suddenly looked to the left, startled. He cried out as a speeder revved through the group, mowing most of them down, bodies flying in all directions in a mist of red spray. The vehicle spun around, drifting and clipping those who ran away before stopping in front of them. Finn sat in the driver's seat, a self-satisfied grin taking up half his face.

Rey jumped into the two-seated speeder, throwing her arms around him. "Happy to see you, too," Finn said, patting her back. Then they separated. "But we can celebrate once we're off this planet."

To fit, Rey had to sit on Ben's lap, her hair whipping back as Finn sped off like a proton rocket seeking its target. They heard the sirens first before they saw them: police on speeder bikes, coming at them from ahead. Finn made a sharp right, the hovercraft bouncing and buckling as the sensors tried to keep up with the ever-increasing acceleration.

They hit a pile of vendor crates, quilka-leafs jetting into the air. Rey held onto the dash as Ben hugged her waist. Walls whipped past on both sides, the path getting narrower.

"Take the next left onto Sonsti Avenue!" Ben shouted over the sirens and wind.

The turn came.

And then went.

"Bade is faster," Finn countered, arms straining at the controls. "It's a half mile up!"

Rey glanced over her shoulder, seeing the long line of officers hunched forward, their speeders throttling to maximum.

"I've actually been here before!" Ben yelled. "You've only glanced at a map. Sonsti will be quicker–"

Sparks and fire exploded from behind, sending the speeder crashing headlong into the ground.

Rey caught the dashboard across her middle, the air leaving her lungs as she was propelled forward and out of the hovercraft. She tried to brace for her fall, but she was moving too fast–

.

.

.

Rey was somewhat aware she was lying on a flat surface, something cold touching the bare skin of her back. A floor? She heard hushed voices. Smelled spices and food, intermingled with her own sweat and… the acrid smell of melted plastocrete.

Groaning, she wiped at her face, lifted her heavy eyelids. There was a grey ceiling above her, pockets of grease staining the area to the left. Above a small kitchen.

How did she get here? She hadn't even realized she'd blacked out.

Turning her head, there was a family of Rodians huddled in the corner, the biggest one wrapping his arms around the mother and two children. They were frightened. Watching them. The tight apartment offered little ways for them to hide, for Rey was in the bedroom, kitchen and living room all at once.

"We stay here and they'll find us," she heard Finn say. Rey sat up and looked at the two most important men in her life, seeing they were just as scratched up and bruised as her.

Ben cautiously peered out a small window. Finn crouched next to him, blaster at the ready.

"We couldn't remain on foot," Ben argued. "We can't out run speeder bikes."

"They'll start searching the buildings soon."

Ben set his jaw, saying nothing. Rey crawled over, noticing that she was now sans shoes and comlink, her dress riddled with tears. It was somehow holding itself together, giving her some sense of modesty.

"We're putting this family in danger by being here," Rey whispered hoarsely. The men were surprised to see her awake. But out of both of them, Finn was the one who came to her, asking if she was okay. She quelled his worry while staring at Ben, whom remained by the window, showing his concern from afar. "They shouldn't be dragged into this."

"You were unconscious, our speeder destroyed, and there were too many officers out there for us to take on," Ben explained. "This was the only option." He looked past her to the family, showing a smidgen of compassion. "I gave them some credits for their trouble."

Banging happened next door. Then shouts. Maybe even a fight. Something shattered.

Rey gave the apartment a quick once over. "Is there no other way out of here?"

Ben shook his head. "No. This is the only door and window." The three of them looked to each other, the nearby sounds of yelling abruptly stopping.

Was this how Rey was to die? Ben taken and Finn collected for a bounty?

They breathed in the silence. Waiting.

But then Ben grabbed his saber hilt, going to the door. He stood motionless, listening for any outside activity.

He spoke to them over his shoulder. "I'll run out and distract them so you two can get away. But you have to be quick–"

"Hell no." Rey stood, marching up to him. "You go out there and you'll be caught."

"It's that or all of us."

Rey's mouth went dry. After everything he'd done tonight, after what she'd seen on the broadcast, her feelings for him were still the same.

Damn her.

She grabbed a fistful of his shirt, pleading. "Snoke will kill you. Everything we've fought for will be for nothing if he has you."

He held her hands gently, regarding her desperation with solemn eyes. "He wants you dead, too. And you should live. You deserve it way more than I do."

"Rey," Finn whispered from behind. She turned, her hands slipping out of Ben's.

Staring at Finn, there was something in his demeanor that made her panic. A sense of resolution. "He's right. You deserve to live. You deserve to make it." His eyes went to Ben. "But if Snoke gets you, what life would Rey have then?"

Rey frowned as Finn took her head between his palms and kissed her forehead. Then he opened the door and ran out into the night.

Leaving her.

"Fi–" Ben covered her mouth and pulled her back, closing the barrier. She elbowed his side, kicked at his shins, torqued to get free. He wouldn't budge. Opening her mouth, she bit down on his hand as hard as her jaw allowed and then twisted from his grasp, planting her foot right into his gut.

He doubled over.

She went for the exit.

He grabbed her ankle.

She fell flat on her face as he pulled her back to him and pinned her smaller frame to the floor, his large body on top of her. Screaming to get free, he nearly smothered her to keep her quiet.

Her throat burned. Eyes stung. She couldn't get out. She couldn't get to Finn.

Rey didn't know how long Ben kept her restrained, all manner of Force tricks not working on him. But it was long enough for her muscles to grow tired and for her vocal chords to ache. And for Finn to have surely been caught.

All was silent outside.

"I'm going to get off of you and we are going to get out of here," he softly said into her ear. "Quietly. Okay?"

She nodded. He lifted himself, but Rey helped him by pushing him all the way off of her. She didn't say anything as she followed Ben through the streets and alleys. Didn't even notice the cuts on her bare feet. It was like what she was experiencing wasn't even real. It couldn't be.

They made it back to the Falcon with little interference. Poe, Jess and BB-8 were waiting just outside. Jess had already changed back into her usual attire, which made Rey think they'd been back at the ship for quite some time.

"What the hell happened?" Poe barked at Ben.

"Did you get Brendol?" Ben asked.

"No. We tried, but he had extra security."

Ben ground his molars, and even Rey showed some frustration over the news. Both walked up the ramp and into the Falcon.

"Hey," Poe called out. "Where the hell did you go?"

Ben stopped in the middle of the main hold while Rey kept walking to one of the crates and sat down, giving relief to her aching body.

"I found Carise," Ben finally answered

Poe and Jess were surprised. "Carise? Carise Sindian?"

Ben nodded.

"And?"

"He killed her," Rey said as she looked up, seeing the confusion on their faces.

Poe waited for one of them to add something to that.

They didn't.

Poe suddenly straightened, eyes searching for something that wasn't there. "Where's Finn?"

"The Chandrilan police have him." Rey replied coolly. "Which means the First Order will soon take him."

Dumbstruck, Poe asked, "How?"

She left the explaining to Ben, who tried to describe the whole situation in as little words as possible. Poe's stare quickly morphed into one that was murderous. Rey wondered what the man would do. But to his credit, Poe kept his body and fists in check.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Poe breathed slowly. "Let me get this straight: you found Carise and decided that killing her was more important than following the mission. Hux released what you look like to the galaxy. And then Finn sacrificed himself so you could make it out." Poe's voice vibrated into a growl. "You ruined everything... over a vendetta?"

Ben tightened his hands into fists. "Not everything. I interrogated Carise before I killed her. There _is_ a super weapon on Jakku."

Rey felt a chill deep inside her, her mind conjuring up a picture of the Sitter – the old man who spoke to no one, who sat atop his pillar under the sun of Jakku. He was near Carbon Ridge, the rumored secret base of the Empire.

"What does it do?" Poe asked, snapping Rey out of her thoughts.

"She didn't know. Hux might not even know. But if it's important to Snoke, then it's extremely dangerous."

"If Carise knew that much, imagine how much Brendol probably knew."

"Oh, but he doesn't care," Rey began in a wry voice, standing, her feet feeling raw. "Do you? You got what you wanted, even if it was at the expense of others."

Ben's face fell. "Rey–"

"Don't say my name like that," she snapped.

He clapped his mouth shut, appearing like a rebuked child.

"What exactly was your plan here?" Poe asked. "Were you going to kill Carise, come back, and think we wouldn't mind that you jeopardized the entire mission?"

"No," Rey answered before Ben could. "He wasn't going to tell us, were you? You were going to lie. Even to me."

Rey waited, watching Ben closely. Like she was waiting for him to say something or to react. Or deny. Something.

He didn't.

 _He really was going to lie to me,_ she realized.

The engulfing disappointment cut her deeply, stinging her eyes. She shifted her focus to Poe. "When are we going after Finn?"

"We should form some sort of plan as soon as–"

Ben cut him off. "We need to go to Jakku first."

Everyone looked at him, incredulous.

There were a few heartbeats of silence before Rey lowered her voice, enunciating every word. "You want to leave Finn to his current fate of execution?"

"No," he shook his head vehemently. "That's not what I'm saying." Ben glanced at each person in the room. "If that weapon really is precious to Snoke, then it's dangerous to the entire galaxy. More dangerous than Starkiller. And we all saw what that was capable of." No one argued against that. "We need to prioritize what's more important. Don't let personal feelings get in the way."

Rey's eyeballs nearly popped from their sockets. But it was Poe who spoke aggressively. "Don't let personal feelings get in the way? I didn't just hear that come out of your fucking mouth."

Ben ran both hands through his hair, frustrated. "Yes, we all know I never follow my own advice. But you know I'm right on this."

Poe held his gaze. Slowly walked behind the lounge bench. Spread his palms on the leather, breathing in deep, looking conflicted.

"We make a quick trip to Jakku…" Poe lifted his eyes to Rey, "and then we get Finn."

"Are you kidding?!" The lid on Rey's pressurized anger finally blew off. "How do any of you even know he'll still be alive when we go to get him?"

Poe spoke calmly, yet reluctantly. "We don't. But we need to think of the galaxy as a whole. If this weapon does indeed exist, it needs to be destroyed."

Rey laughed humorlessly as she felt herself spiraling. "How quick you are to forget that without Finn, you would've died on the Finalizer. Ben would've executed you, like he did with most of the prisoners. Have you seen the holovids that were released tonight? That would've been your fate. He wouldn't have even given your life a second thought." She glanced to Ben, challenging. "Am I wrong?"

…"No."

She gazed at him. Unmoving. Rey's blazing indignation making the lines on her face seem harsh rather than beautiful, the bags under her eyes giving the look some serious backup.

"Do you know how often I've defended you?" The volume of her voice ticked upward as she grew more agitated. "Saying that you've changed, that you're getting better? And then you run off to be the monster I've been saying you're not. Have I been wasting my breath on you this whole time? Cause now, it sure looks that way."

"You haven't been wasting your time," he said unconvincingly, barely moving his lips.

Rey rubbed at her eyes, smearing the makeup along with her sweat. Exhaustion pulled at her, the realization that she was covered in grime, wearing fabric that was torn and tattered just added to the ruination of the evening. "I don't know how to help you," she whispered, shaking her head. "Not anymore." Looking up, she saw Ben's fear. Could feel it. "I've stood by you through some rough times, and even forgave you for killing Han. But tonight, your capricious rage cost me my closest friend. And what you did to Carise–"

"She deserved," he bit out unexpectedly. "And I don't need a lecture on morality from you."

Ben's face shifted to shock upon the realization of what he just said. But Rey just stood and stared. Regarding him almost like he was a stranger. A thousand rebuttals raced through her mind like ring-dogs chasing their own tails.

But she voiced none of them.

Jess cut through the silence, speaking up for the first time. "If you're trying to insinuate that what she did to Ematt negates her from judging you, you're–"

Rey raised a hand. "He's right, actually. I shouldn't lecture him anymore." She dragged in a deep breath, and then released. "I'm tired of doing it, anyway."

Ben stayed very still, averting her steady gaze.

"Do you even care what happens to Finn?" Poe posed the question they were all thinking.

Rey watched him. "Yes," was his curt response.

Poe folded his arms. "You have a funny way of showing. As in, you don't."

Ben winced, his face going through a myriad of expressions that were too quick to decipher. He inhaled and spoke as if the words were clinging to his lungs. "I– I know I don't show it. Nor do I voice how I feel to any of you. But… I wish none of you ill will." He gazed right at her. "And that includes Finn."

Ben sure did sound sincere. And maybe he was. But the thing that counted the most was action.

And his actions have now put her in a position of making a choice that would leave her riddled with guilt. "I'll go to Jakku, and I'll help destroy whatever's there. But you and I…" her breath hitched. Ben braced. The images of him executing Resistance members played through her mind. "I don't know if I can keep doing this, Ben. If Finn's dead, then we'll have nothing more to say to each other. Because if they execute him, I will never forgive you. I've forgiven you for too much already."

Ben was thrown off. Rocked to the core. Scared, even.

Out of spite, Rey added, "And when the occasion arises where you want to kill someone again, do it on your own time. Don't drag us down with you."

She left behind a broken looking Ben as she went to find some solace alone in their shared quarters.

But he didn't understand that her words had broken her as well. The last few months of experiencing the love they shared, knowing the best parts of him, exploring the realm of intimacy together – it all had culminated into the greatest time of her life. Could she give it up over principle?

The lonely years on Jakku came to her thoughts. And the realization that self-love was just as important as real love. Because when you're alone and it's the middle of the night and you're lying in your sandy AT-AT crying and wishing for someone, anyone to notice your importance and to love you, who's actually going to be there for you?

You.

At the end of the day, you're all you've got.

But she did have Soniee now. A piece of her family she never had before. Though, her health had been declining these last few months.

Stars… how she wished Ben could be more reliable.


	63. Told You So

It was naïve of Ren to think that no matter what happened, Rey would always stand by him. He had forgotten about the one thing that could change all that: her stormtrooper.

Ren watched her go, watched her leave him. This was all so different than when she found out about her parents. Her lashing out had been precise back then, vindictive, but she had come to understand that he'd been trying to protect her.

Now, with Finn gone and the blame falling solely on him, there were no excuses to hide behind. No understanding. Everything that happened tonight had been unnecessary.

And Rey knew that.

Just like she now knew him for what he really was: stagnant. Unable to evolve.

Defective.

" _I've forgiven you for too much already."_

Rey's compassion truly was amazing and as far stretching as the galaxy. For as she forgave him for plenty, he would never absolve himself for everything he's done.

"Is it true you murdered Han?" Jess asked, her eyes looking hopeful that it was all a lie.

"Yes."

Jess covered her mouth with a hand, aghast. "Why?"

"Would an explanation change the way you're judging me?" Jess didn't answer. "I'm surprised Poe hasn't given you the details by now. He knows what happened." Ren walked the opposite way toward the storage bay, muttering, "I'd rather not relive it."

Entering, he headed for the lockers along the wall. He opened one after the other, rummaging through the contents. His search halted for a moment as he came across a weathered and worn tooka doll. With a shaky hand, Ren held it, looking at it like it was a relic from another time. He figured it was; his childhood felt like it was eons ago.

But the fact his father kept the doll this whole time....

Poe, Jess, and BB-8 came in after a few minutes. Ren put the small doll in his pocket and continued his search.

Thus far, BB-8 had been silent. Ren wondered if the little astromech had an opinion on the events that happened tonight. Or on any of the new information. But did he really care what a droid thought of him?

"You should get ahold of General Organa," Ren told them. "Tell her that their positions could be compromised now that the Order has Finn." He found a black cloak, the hood wide enough to cover most of his face.

Poe agreed before asking, "You think I'm gonna let you get off this ship?" The pilot eyed the cloak in Ren's hands.

Ren draped it around his shoulders. "You will, because I have an idea on how to get Finn back."

Jess and Poe were intrigued enough to keep quiet, listening to Ren's plan. He would've thanked them for the attentiveness, but they both pretty much hated him. He didn't want the compliment to come off as mockery.

Poe chewed over the proposal for a moment. "You think she's still in the city?"

"It's worth a look."

"That may be, but I don't trust you out there. And the last thing I need is for you to get caught."

Jess stepped forward. "I'll go with him, make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." The men were both stunned by her offer. Poe tried to talk her out of it, but she would not be dissuaded.

When Poe finally relented, he gave them both a stern look. "You'll need to be quick before more First Order cronies get here. Be back in one hour. I'm gonna look at a map of Jakku and see if Rey can think of where this weapon might be." Jess left and Ben followed, but was stopped by a very firm grip on his shoulder. "If you do anything that puts Jess in danger –"

"I won't. You have my word."

"Your word means less than shit."

"But it's all I have."

Poe let him go.

Jess and Ren walked side by side back to the city, both keeping their thoughts to themselves. She didn't pester him with questions as he went from one bar to the next, never sighed with impatience as time was quickly running out. Stormtroopers were out on patrol, but they were able to sneak by them with a few mind tricks and sticking to the shadows.

Once they entered the more questionable part of the city, the number of stormtroopers dwindled. Ren was able to zero in on the life force he'd been seeking.

Walking into a dimly lit cantina, he immediately saw Caliiya sitting at the bar, head down, eyes fixated on her glass. The establishment was mostly empty, its atmosphere having none of the modern pizzazz most cantinas used to draw in large crowds. This place was smaller, more intimate and dated, the serving droids having mismatched limbs and creaking joints.

And no holoscreens, thank the Force.

Ren drew the hood lower and walked over to the woman. Sitting down in the stool next to her, he intertwined his gloved fingers and placed them on the gritty bar top. Jess sat on the other side of Caliiya, declining a drink from the droid bartender.

Ren was never offered one.

Caliiya picked up the small glass, cocking her head back to let the liquid fire slide down her throat. She wiped her mouth, signaling for another. "I take it you didn't snag Brendol?"

She hadn't looked over at her visitors once, but she knew as to whom was paying her this visit. The woman utilized more than just her sight.

The droid filled her glass with the same deep purple fluid. "You know what's happened, then," Ren said, keeping his voice low.

She slid the glass in a circle, swishing the liquid. "Yep. And now, there's one less bounty in the galaxy." Glancing to the side, Caliiya took in his disguise with an amused eye. "I'm surprised you're even here. Everyone knows your face already, and the deeds you've done. You know that reputation is going to follow you for the rest of your life, right? That you're a patricidal demon, born from the Skywalker line." She lifted the glass to him before swigging it down, asking for another. "Murdering you own father… now that takes depraved commitment."

"Yes. It does."

She showed a moment of confusion before going for the newly filled glass. Ren placed his palm over the rim, preventing her from grabbing it. "Finn being taken was my fault," he admitted. Caliiya snapped her head up. "I got sidetracked by something, and in the process of him helping me, he was caught."

The bounty hunter stared holes through him. "You're a fucking disease, you know that?"

"I do."

"Stop agreeing with me. Takes the satisfaction out of insulting you." She snatched the glass out from under his hand. "Why are you even here, talking to me? It's a huge risk for you. And we hate each other."

"You can help me get Finn back."

She snorted, almost choking on her alcohol of choice. "Back? From the First Order?" Ren nodded. "Are you insane?" He opened his mouth to respond. "You know what? Don't answer that."

Ren tensed as a fight broke out between two patrons off in the corner, two serving droids hustling to break it up. At this point, he'd be startled by someone breathing too close to him.

He focused back on Caliiya. "Are you going to help me or not?" he asked impatiently.

Taking a handful of warra nuts, she popped some in her mouth, speaking while chewing. "I prefer my heart to stay beating. Besides, what's war without casualties?"

"Peace," Jess challenged.

Caliiya swerved around in the chair. "If it wasn't for war, you wouldn't know what peace was." She narrowed her eyes, eyeing up the Jess. Turning back to Ren, she asked, "Whose this scrap-muncher? Your girlfriend?"

Ren ignored the question. "You're indebted to Finn. That's why you came to talk to him tonight, right? You feel like you owe him. If he never showed up in your life, you wouldn't have your freedom. Bala would have killed you." Caliiya's lip twitched with annoyance, but her eyes glistened, betraying how she truly felt. "It's a waste of time to pretend you don't care."

The irritation went out of Caliiya and was replaced with a thousand meter stare aimed toward the bottles lining the back of the bar. "Affection is just a neurochemical con job for the weak."

Ren could tell she didn't fully believe that. "I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."

She chuckled. Went silent. Put the remaining nuts back, ignoring her drink. Ren gave her time to ruminate over the proposition while Jess looked like she wanted to clock the woman.

"They would take him to the Finalizer, where General Hux is," Caliiya said softly, like she was thinking out loud more than starting a conversation. "He would be made an example of."

"And I need you to get on that Star Destroyer and get him out."

Caliiya was momentarily taken aback. "Me? As in alone? Aren't you people his friends or something?"

"There's a pressing issue we need to take care of first. But seeing how you're available–"

"How am I supposed to walk onto the Finalizer and find him? You do remember how big that Destroyer is."

"You've visited the ship for business before, right?"

Her eyes pinched. "Yeah."

"So it won't seem odd for you to be going there for more bounty assignments."

"Probably not. But as a bounty hunter, I wouldn't be able to get to the holding cells."

"Which is why you're going to be a lieutenant." With Lizari's passcodes, Caliiya could go anywhere on that ship.

They continued to polish the plan, going over it a few times till she could recite it back to him perfectly. To get to the holding cells, he told her where she could find an officers uniform and that he'd send the passcodes once he received them from his contact.

During the whole exchange, Caliiya didn't glance at her drink once, making Ren think he was making some serious headway.

But… "You still haven't agreed to do this," he pointed out.

Caliiya blinked once. Twice. Then nodded firmly. "I'll do it, even though it's suicidal."

"If you think you'll die, why do it then?

She sighed, but out of exhaustion rather than aggravation. "Like you said, I owe him."

They exchanged account information and then Ren and Jess left the cantina. He stopped just outside, peering through the window. Much to Ren's satisfaction, Caliiya got out the credits to pay for her drinks, ending her night of self-loathing. If the woman was serious about doing this, she needed to sober up as quickly as possible.

"You think this will actually work?" Jess asked, also watching the bounty hunter.

"If it doesn't, I'll never have to interact with that woman again."

Jess glared at him. "If she fails, Finn dies."

"Then I'll figure out another way to rescue him before he's executed."

"And exactly how much effort are you going to put into that?"

He looked down at her. "You think I want him to die?"

She shrugged. "Wouldn't be the first time."

He ground his molars and turned, meticulously winding through the people roaming around this late at night. But matching every three steps to his two, Jess kept up with his long strides.

How would anyone in their right mind go somewhere alone with him after finding out he murdered his own father? What was wrong with this girl?

Ren mind tricked three stormtroopers along the way, one of them taking a considerable amount of strength to manipulate. He waited till they were closer to the outskirts of the city before asking with a forced composure, "Why did you come with me, exactly?"

"Like I said, someone has to keep an eye on you."

"And you willingly volunteered. After finding out I killed Han Solo."

She recoiled when he said that about his father, but seemed to be giving his question some serious mulling over. Maybe even wondering about her own sanity. "Poe told me Rey was there when it happened, and she found a way to forgive you and move past it. But someday you'll answer for what you've done. I believe that. Besides, options were limited, seeing how the other two hate your guts right now."

"And you don't 'hate my guts'?"

Her lips pressed together in a slight grimace. "I don't like you. You're selfish and irresponsible and ruined Poe's mission. That aside… I don't think you should be alone."

 _Not after what Rey said to him_ , her thought rang in his head. He rubbed his temple, trying not to get on the girl's wavelength.

"Why is it everyone assumes I shouldn't be alone?" he grumbled. A swift wind gust tousled his robe, the smell of stagnant water becoming stronger.

Jess patted at her hair, placating the flyaway strands. "Because you're an impulsive person who's as slippery as a greased gizka."

They turned onto the dirt path that led to the marsh where the Falcon was hidden. Ren waited for a rowdy group of adolescents to pass them before countering, "I would think you trusted me enough to come with me to find Caliiya." He paused. "All by your lonesome."

Jess wasn't phased by his faux threat. "You wouldn't hurt me."

Ren raised a brow, glancing at her from under the cowl. "No?"

"Nah." Jess sidestepped a large rock, taking a deep breath. "If you did, it would be like you killed those slavers for nothing. If something happened to me, you'd see it as a failure on your part." Ren slowed, then came to a stop, looking intently at Jess as she kept going.

She'd seen right through him, and he hadn't even interacted with this girl as much as the others. Was it possible he was more transparent than he thought?

It took Jess a few yards to realize he wasn't next to her. She came back to him cautiously, brows pulling in. "You used to have a heart. Still sort of do, since Rey is with you." The tall grass that lined the walkway shivered in the breeze, catching Jess's attention for a short time. When she continued, her voice was pensive. "These last few months, I've been trying to understand your actions from your perspective. Not the most comfortable thing to do, but I did try. And you should know…." They locked eyes. "You shouldn't beat yourself up for killing that woman in the cave."

He jerked his head back. "Excuse me?"

"That random woman you killed while you cut down those men? She basically ran right into your lightsaber. I saw it."

Ren felt like he was having an allergic reaction to her clemency. "She was afraid," he said as he ambled past her.

Jess ran up to him. "And she let that fear cloud her ability to think," she explained. "Instead she panicked, not looking where she was going. It wasn't your fault, what happened to her. And those men… each one of them deserved what they got."

"Says who?"

She jumped in front of him. He halted as to not trample her. "Says me, who was locked away in there because of them."

The silence stretched out as Ren stared and was stared back at. But then, he softened. "You view that whole ordeal as me saving you. But you don't realize what it cost me. Before that, I had never killed someone before. And I didn't kill them as this monster you've all come to know. I was my uncle's apprentice. My mother and father's son. That night was the true beginning of the end for me."

Jess blanched. "Do you regret getting us out?"

"No. I just wish…. Maybe I could have found another way."

Jess raised her palms out, flat and skyward. "Wishes in one hand, shit in the other. Which are you gonna have more of?"

The corner of his mouth curled up into the faintest of smiles.

When they made it back to the Falcon, Poe was sitting on the ramp, BB-8 beside him, waiting. The pilot quickly stood when he saw the two of them approaching.

They relayed their possible success to him as they walked into the main hold, Poe seeming somewhat hopeful over it. And it was good to hear that Rey had an idea in mind for where the weapon could be on Jakku.

Ren took off the cloak and placed it across the back of the lounge chair. Having nothing more to discuss, Poe and Jess headed to the cockpit with the droid in tow. Ren spoke up before they were out of sight. "Can I ask you a question?"

The duo turned back around. Ren was looking directly at Jess. "Sure," she replied.

Ren didn't want to ask, but he couldn't help himself. "How is it Skywalker doesn't know you were there?" Jess's mouth went slack. "He came to the caves right after I left. He helped those people get back to their families. But he doesn't show any signs of recognizing you. Why?"

Jess swallowed, glancing at Poe. "That's because as soon as I saw you leave, I left. I didn't want the people back home to find out what happened to me: that I ran away from home with a guy I barely knew and got sold into the slave trade so he could make a quick credit." Her face flushed a bright crimson. "It was humiliating."

Poe put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Where'd you find the credits to leave Er'kit on your own?"

She wrapped her arms around herself, holding tightly to her sides. "I went back in the caves, wanting to get away from the others so I could think of a plan. That was when I saw the moonlight reflect off of something on the floor." She pointed to the silver hilt at Ren's belt. "I found your lightsaber. I took it, walked to town, and tried over the next few days to sell it for the right price. I only ever got offensively low offers, not enough for me to even travel home. But then this little orange humanoid found me and offered me five times the price I was asking."

Ren stammered before getting her name out. "Maz Kanata?"

Jess nodded. "I agreed, got my money, and went home. Pretty sure the few times I've seen Maz on Takodana she hasn't recognized me. I looked pretty haggard back then."

Poe asked a few more questions, but Ren had already checked out by then. He couldn't believe all the things that had to happen for his lightsaber to make it back into his hands.

"Word of advice?" Ren fixed his eyes back on Jess when she spoke. "You'll lose more than just Rey if Finn doesn't make it off the Finalizer alive." Poe agreed. Ren could have sworn BB-8 slightly nodded his domed head. Then the three of them went to the cockpit, readying the Falcon for departure.

Funny. He felt like he had lost everything already.

Carefully, he entered the part of the ship that housed the living quarters, briefly stopping outside his and Rey's room.

His hand hovered on the door's control panel, wondering if he should try reasoning with Rey right now.

He pressed it, stepping inside.

Rey was lying on the bed on top of the covers, wearing the loose clothes she preferred to sleep in. She must've taken a shower recently, for her hair was damp and the scent of lilacs were infused into the air.

She kept her stare on the ceiling. "I don't want you in here."

"Please just let me explain–"

She shot off the bed in a whirlwind of fury. "There's nothing to explain. Finn got himself taken to save us both. He never would have been in that situation if it weren't for you." She cut her hand through the air. "End of story."

"I know."

Rey put a palm to her chest and said mockingly, "Oh. You know. What a relief." She shook her head, eyes looking everywhere but at him. "Do you even know how important he is to me?"

"Yes." He took a step closer to her. She backed away. "I can feel how much you're hurting right now."

Her voice broke. "You know what makes it worse? You're the only one who can comfort me, but you're the one who did this to me. I hate you, but…"

"… you still love me," he finished. There was a tightness in his chest. A painful ache. It restricted his throat. "Are you really leaving me?"

She chewed at her lip, holding back the glistening in her eyes. "I don't know. But let me just pretend that I have the strength to actually do it."

He looked to the floor, getting ready to throw himself down at her feet and–

"Don't," she staunchly commanded, sensing what he was contemplating. "Don't beg me." She wiped a freed tear from her cheek. "If you care about me at all, don't do that to me."

He locked his knees. "We're going to get Finn back," he confidently told her. "Alive."

"I hope so. For your sake. And mine."

Extending his arm, he reached out to her. She denied him. "If I'm the only person who can comfort you, let me stay," he pleaded. "Let me do that for you, at least," 

Rey shook her head, adding strength to her voice. "I grew up consoling myself. I still know how to do it. So I'm asking you with the little restraint I have left not to yell, please leave me alone."

Her words had a finality to them that persuasion could not cut through.

With a reluctant heart, he gathered up his things and left.

Halfway down the hall, Ren stopped, deciding whether to march back into that room and… what? What could he say that would make her let him stay? Make her stay with him? Her mind was made up. She had seen just how lost he really was. Finally realized he was a worthless piece of bantha shit.

That was the thing of it, Ren thought as he walked into the main hold, making his temporary home in the med alcove: Snoke had broken something inside him. And Ren had let him.

Over the last six months, Ren had tried to put it all back together. He'd tried to be more like Ben. The Ben everyone expected him to be.

Rey had been a part of that. Love and all. It was all so cliched, but love kept him from being a full-fledged monster. Love and the cold hate he felt for everything Snoke had dragged him into.

Love and hate. Nice combination.

 _And responsibility_ , he realized suddenly. That had helped in an unexpected way, knowing the most extensive information about how the First Order worked. Knowing he was necessary, even if no one wanted to admit it.

Now Rey was telling him she didn't want to see him. Didn't need him. And the comfort of the Resistance needing him? Gone. With the release of those recordings, they would want nothing to do with him. Hell, they would probably try to kill him again.

With that thought, should he go to Jakku and help destroy whatever was there? Should he aid the Resistance?

But he knew the answer even before he asked. He would go, and he would help. Because his mother wanted a better son. Because Rey wanted to believe in him. Because he needed Poe as a friend. Because he would always feel like Jess's protector.

He wanted all those people to live.

And if Caliiya hadn't freed Finn by the time they were done on Jakku, he would go help her. Even if that meant him getting taken in the process.

He owed the trooper that much.

And Harter.

Gods, they had Harter. It was a relief to hear she was alive, but knowing Hux had her didn't grant him much comfort. He needed to tell Leia and see if they could come up with a way to rescue her. If not, guess he would have to go rogue again.

Ren went to the dejarik table and scooped up the datapad that was technically Finn's, but everyone used. It wasn't passcode protected. He quickly sent the news to his mother before searching among the files for any recordings. Ren knew Finn kept a journal on the thing, because he had told Rey about it… who had then told him about it.

He prepared a message to Soniee, attaching every single one of Finn's recordings, asking her to find a way to leak them onto the Holonet and the Outer Rim news stations. If she was as good with technology as she boasted to be, it shouldn't take her long to do.

But there was no doubt the woman had seen the First Order broadcast tonight. So where Ren refused to give Jess an explanation over killing his father, he gave Soniee an extended one.

What he said wasn't anything new: Snoke brought him to the Dark side, ordered him to do the unthinkable, he deeply regrets it, blah blah blah. He hated explaining it all. Sounded more and more like he was using excuses when that wasn't his intention. But it would be far worse if he didn't tell the woman anything.

He sent it, hoping Finn wouldn't mind that Ren was violating his privacy. The guy was fully ready to be the face of the Resistance anyway. This was just going to fast track the process since time was something they didn't really have.

Ren stretched out in the medical nook, not able to close his eyes. He focused on the jerks and creaks of the Falcon as it rose into the air and out of the atmosphere, the soft hum of hyperspace replacing the turbulence.

A memory came to mind, one so small, he was surprised he even still had it. He got out of the alcove, lifting part of the padding that had torn off long ago, before he was even born. Underneath was a drawing on the fabric. Not a good one, just a simple piece done by a child's unskilled hand. In it were pictures of planets and solar systems, a small ship zooming through it all, a boy at the helm.

A boy with raven hair.

He had drawn it without his father ever knowing. He wondered if Han had ever found it.

Ren ran his fingers across the faded colors, hoping that Han at some point had lifted up this ratted cushion and thought about the better times with his son.

He grabbed the tooka doll from his pocket and held it close to his chest as he laid his body out to rest. His mind, idle from the silence, went over the events of the evening, remembering that small prompting to not follow Carise. To turn back while he still had time.

 _I told you so_ , a voice inside his head said.

_Sincerely,_

_Your intuition._


End file.
